The Frank Skinner Show - Frankie Boil

Episode Date: February 25, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had a travelcard issue and an odd experience on the Tube. The team also discuss Pete, cured meats and a festival mashup.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Now listen, there's no nice way of putting this. We're not live this morning. This is a pre-recorded show, so don't text in. You'll be throwing money down the drain. So don't text in. You'll be throwing money down the drain. However, you can Twitter and Instagram. I'm saying Twitter because there's a T missing on my handout.

My handout. So you can Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I don't know why you would do that. Yeah. But I just read what I'm handed. Oh. Well careful with that excuse. They won't cost you anything

but nor will they gain you anything. So that's a philosophy that you have to sort out for yourselves. What an opener. Yeah. So hey, first I'm going to start with a thank you russell

croucher um he uh he sent me you know i was talking about the fact that i'd got a four-color traditional four-color pen and i got one uh i managed to attain one, which instead of the green ink slide, I'd got a pencil option, which was, if you've got pencil, black pen, blue pen, red pen, that's my life right there. And then I accidentally wrote in a book, in like a proper poetry book, in black ink, because I got the wrong slide down.

That was a little summary of that particular tragedy. He sent me, rather beautifully, a traditional four-colour ink pen with a pencil sellotape to it and the pencil points in the opposite direction so I can never make that mistake again. It's good. What a guy.

It's good, but it's making me feel a bit sick. Why? I don't know. I don't think the pen and the pencil, they're very different beasts. They're not happy bedfellows, particularly when they're trapped together with a dirty old sellotape.

I like the pen and the pencil. It sounds like a musical song. There was a musical song called The Hard Boiled Egg and the Wasp. A narrative tale. This is a difficult follow-up to The Owl and the Pussycat. The Wasp falls in love with a hard-boiled egg by a series of misunderstandings.

Gosh, I wouldn't like to reverse engineer those misunderstandings for our title. Who would you rather be in that couple? Oh, the wasp, I think. Oh, I'd go with you. Hated, I know, but mobile. But free. Yeah, exactly. Hated but free. Yeah, there's a lot to be said for hated but

free. Frank, on the pen... Boris Johnson texted me only last night. Frank, on the pen... Buzz Boris Johnson texted me only last night. Frank, on the pen front... On the pen front. Brian Jones, just so you know, has been in touch. Right. You may be interested to know that Martin Keown, the Arsenal, the ex-Arsenal footballer...

Yeah. ..uses a multi-coloured pen. Does he? As spotted on the video feed from his appearance on TalkSport, Frank's a trendsetter, a possible new friend for him. Over to you, Frank. No, I'm glad to. He's the thinking man's football pundit, Martin Keane.

He's much better spoken than your average football pundit. I thought you were goingni is much much better spoken than your average i think you're gonna say no no he was very good at playing as well so yes i'm happy to be in his fan diagram okay certainly on on the subject of spotting things that we've talked about on the show um i noticed that uh the popular comedian al mor Murray wears a pinky ring, which I think I identified as a warning, as a thing to avoid. I'm sure it doesn't apply to Al, but yeah. I'm guessing that's a family crest or something. Well, he's lovely, Al.

He's a bit, he's a potion, I believe. That's the word I use. I'm just thinking he's got like a big, he's got a big finger, Al, and he might be running out of options. That might be a ring that's made its way along the hand over the years. It's a priceless family heirloom. Is it really? Do you want to look for a fact?

I wonder if... No! What if, offstage, he's got his actual one and then onstage he's got the one that the landlord would wear? Oh! He does a switcheroo. But that'd be a salve on the central of, the one that the landlord would wear. Oh. He does a switcheroo. But that'd be a salve on the central finger, wouldn't it? What, Frank, what was the one with the...

What's the central finger called again? No. There isn't actually a central finger. The rude finger. Yeah, yes, yes. But the landlord wouldn't do that gesture because he's too American. Yes, that's true.

Oh, he wouldn't like that. Frank, what's the Onyx ring? Would he favour that? Oh, I'll have to look up Onyx before I answer that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what, I had a... I'll see what you think about this. Can I talk about this on the radio after it happened?

And I thought, yeah, it'll be fine. I'm very sensitive. So first of all, the first bit's all right. I got on the Tube last night. The Tube being the London Underground for those outside of London. I never like to assume. And when I say I got on it, I got to the barrier where you have to show your ticket. And I got out my over-60s travel card.

Yeah. Which was given to me on my 60th birthday by the establishment. Yeah. The powers that be. I don't know who officially hands it out. You're making this all sound very Kafka. Yes. So it says 60 plus London and it's got a picture of me.

I'm waving it about now. Glamorous laugh. Pardon? I sung a bar of the glamorous laugh by Fergie. Fame. No, everyone gets this. David Bowie. Everyone gets this.

So I got to the barrier and it wouldn't work. Oh. My loyal over 60s travel card. And I looked at it and for the first time ever, and I must have looked at it a thousand times,

I realised it has on it discount expiry date 12th of February 23. Were they expecting your demise? I think, in an over-60s travel card, I think I should define the expiry. Yes. Does that explain that bullet that ricocheted off the wall

near you on the 12th of February? Do they just think, what, do you think he's got a year? It feels like it should have. You know, the small Britain, things like it should say, 12th of February, 23, or death, in brackets, whichever comes first. Or next offer. Yeah, so I don't know if I can renew it.

If I've lived too long. You're back to paying. I can hear now a council person on the phone say, sorry, mate, you've lived too long. You're going to have to go back to paying. We can send someone round. Yeah. Put a stop to this.

Yeah, the living too long thing, we're trying to stamp down on next people taking advantage. Maybe it's a gentle hint. So I wonder if everyone gets this, so it's a yearly thing. No, it's not a yearly thing. I've had it for six years and... They would guess... 12th of February?

What? How random a date is that? It would be spooky if we compared it with someone else's and theirs expired after eight and someone else's nine and... No, do you know what I've worked... They're guessing. No, I've worked it out. So it's about two weeks...

Lucy, can you go into the street and stop some pensioners? It's two weeks after your birthday. Or around then, maybe. Maybe they think one year, it'll just all... They predicted you might be overwhelmed by the celebrations. So two weeks after is a safe bet. OK. Well, I'm investigating.

I say, there are times on this show when I say I, you have to hear my personal assistant is investigating. Because I've really grown to love my over-60s travel card. During lockdown, it burnt a hole in my pocket. The idea that I wasn't using it frustrated yes frustrated me anyway i then got on the train having paid with my credit card yeah after all i've done for this country you're you've got an award from the yeah i'm hoping when i get the mba i'll be able to um just swipe that in supermarkets and everything never have to pay for anything again.

You'd better have a barcode on the back. Swinging it round your neck. Yeah. That would be great. What a gift that would be. And a lanyard. With one of those retractable... But also, I'd like it to have a slightly

sort of civil service aspect to it. So maybe just a nylon string. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'd like. Business-like, I'm businesslike. I'm happy with that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was reading the other day about Oasis

that during an Oasis gig, Liam Gallagher would do between five and seven Rubik cubes behind his back while singing. Really? You know, he would stand Rubik cubes behind his back while singing. Really? You know, he would stand with his hands behind his back. And he has a special little platform stitched into the tailed parka. Yes, like a little shelf.

Yeah. Brilliant. It's always, you know, my view that you do things best when you're doing something else at the same time i think that's a very good example he can't sing in the rain or he drowns yes well that's um it's got to be a covered stage i hadn't thought of that so i so i got um i was telling you about the fact that i uh struggled to get through to the actual platform on the London Underground because I officially died. So I did get on the tube. It was busy. It was like, you know, it was Thai time, as we'd say back in the black country. What was that, tea?

Yeah. Oh, okay. So there's people, and a man got on, and I have to describe this man, and I say this with all tenderness. Facially... Oh, dear. He looked like a homeless man,

in that he got a very raggedy beard and a black eye, a really big black eye. But he was immaculately dressed in quite fashion, I'd say high fashion clothing. Right. And I thought, oh, that's interesting. And he said to me, oh, no, yeah, but when he's one of these,

he had a very, very quiet voice, which on the tube... Useless. I said, I can't really... And I thought, oh, this is going to be... People were starting to stare. And he reached into his... He had like a bag, like a designer shop bag.

And he reached in and he took out a small parcel and he unwrapped it and It was a slice of cheese. And it had a thing on it which said something like some French word and mature. And it was a lovely... The way it had been wrapped, it was obviously bought... I wouldn't say ladies after it. So it was bought from a... I wouldn't say ladies after it.

So it had... It looked like it was from a proper posh shop. And he offered it to me. Really? So people at my note were staring and he said as he himself pointed out

but I could tell by the gesture he was offering it. And so I broke a chunk off. No. Yeah. It looked, it was still in it. Are you absolutely joking? No. Since I've been in Amsterdam,

my cheese intake has gone through the ceiling. You broke a chunk off. He was clearly offering, even though I couldn't hear him. His gesture was one of giving. You accepted cheese from a ghost. Yeah, exactly. Let's be frank. It was a bit Banquo's ghost.

Banquo's haute couture ghost. Yes. And I tell you what, I realised as I... Are you playing us? It was like posh rapping. So anyway, I had a chunk of it. It was lovely. Sure.

And... I wouldn't accept it off a friend. And then I thought, this guy has got lottery winner written all over him. Homeless man buys lottery ticket, goes to shop, buys the fanciest, most modern clothes

and state-of-the-art cheese. But hasn't lost his roots of being indecipherable and having a black eye. Yeah. It was a really strange... You say he looked homeless, but then he was offering you food.

He was offering you the cheese. He was immaculately dressed, and he said another five minutes of things I couldn't hear. And in the end, he became exasperated at my non-response and stopped speaking to me. Happily, I'd reached embankment, so that was my stop. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't know if I'll ever stop

thinking about this cheese encounter of yours. Well, it was the clothes the man was wearing, like I said, as well as being very fashionable and smart. Looking like they were just purchased. I'm imagining some less nice clothes

in a public toilet somewhere and he'd gone in and just got changed. Can I just say that looking at a card and seeing that you're being told that you're dead by a document and then meeting this man, it lends it all the aspect of sort of a limbo or a dream. Well, it's very Christmas future. It'sends it all the aspect of sort of a limbo or a dream. Well, it's very Christmas future.

It's something of the... I think other people could see him because they were... Unless they were smiling at the fact that I was talking to myself. Talking to thin air and eating cheese that you'd bought yourself from your open pile. I mean, yeah, he does... There is something of the Dickens character

about Frank. But people were giving me that look. And we must have all experienced this. That look of people look really happy around me. You know, people are like, I'm so glad this person isn't speaking to me. Me, yes. Of course their attitudes change when they saw the free cheese element.

Maybe that was the lesson. Yeah. It was the lesson for everyone else. Exactly. Judge not. Yeah. You too could have some of this smelly stuff from someone's old pocket. But now, when you say fashionable, do you mean like the sort of fashionable like a Armani suit or fashionable like streetwear?

No, I mean fashionable like what one would see on a catwalk, like a slightly challenging fashionable, like a jacket with added bits on it that you think, oh, that's a bit... I think we're talking directional. Well, I don't know what that means. It means what you just said. Directional fashion.

So it's a big statement. Yes. The sort of thing you might see on the red carpet at the BAFTAs. Someone's trying to make a bit of a splash on the photos. Who's the lady who's called something Joy, who was in the Queen's Gambit? Anya Taylor-Joy. Well, Anya Taylor-Joy. Anya Taylor-Joy.

Ooh. Anya Taylor-Joy on the BAFTA's red carpet wore, like, you know, a nice mini dress type thing. But for the picture, she had an enormous... I mean, it was Kravitz-style scarf. Oh, right. But made of some sort of... I'm going to call it shot silk.

And the reason I'm going to call it that is because I don't know what shot silk is, but I like saying it. Okay. It was that kind of... He could have just come off the red carpet. Yeah. Via the doorway. While we're just briefly on the BAFTAs,

don't worry, we're going to get back to the cheese. Richard E. Grant, or Reg as I call him, he went for a white cape Frank he did what say you? no he carried off Dracula look I don't approve of non-comedians hosting award shows

no nor do I recommend it generally but I thought he was a lovable host but that the cape was I like the cape. And I liked the lady who designed. The highlight of the BAFTAs for me was Sandy Powell getting the fellowship. Because she, now this bloke on the tube could have had on his arm Sandy Powell

and they would have not looked an ill-matched couple. She's like height of fashion. not looked an ill match couple. She's like height of fashion. Okay. And yeah, it was... We will never get to the bottom of it. Did you swap numbers or anything? Did you think it was inappropriate?

No. I don't know if he'd got a phone yet. He'd only just found the money. And the cheese. Yeah. Thank God that munger was next to the fashion store. I felt he was in flocks between, you know,

between Dire Straits and The Good Life. Yeah. Not The Good Life, because that would be like self-preserved. But yeah, I thought he was just passed from rags to riches. He'd only just arrived at riches. Only just been the massive oversized check.

Yeah, I don't think he'd even been through passport control at riches. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. We're talking about this man who you ran into on... You didn't run into, that implies a prior knowledge, but you encountered him on public transport. Can I make it clear again? Can I make it clear again that I don't...

This man, God bless him, I'm pretty convinced that he was a homeless person who had recently come into an enormous amount of money in some way. That, everything about him, as a detective, ex-detective myself, not true. That's what I think. But, you know, he was, I think he was being really friendly. I just couldn't hear what he was saying.

The cheesemonger's ghost. Yeah. Did he give anyone, what I would like, just a couple of questions. Frank very kindly said, when we had a brief comfort break just now, that he would answer questions if we had any on the cheeseman. Yes. So I have one. Did the cheeseman offer it to any other hunters?

No, not while I was on the train, he didn't. Okay. He was very focused on me. He recognised me. So I would say he had a television about 20 years ago. That's another one of my deductions. Do you think, like R. Keith, he still called it the Gogglebox? I hope so.

I don't know what he called anything, so I couldn't hear him. But, yeah, if only in life one could take out a remote control and just turn people up or down a bit, that would be great. You see, I generally find people are too loud. Well, you know, there's like a stereotype we've spoken of, I think quite recently,

of the loud American. I walked up the road with my son a couple of weeks ago and there was a bloke walking ahead and I could hear yeah well

if you go down I know because I said just talking to the person next to him and I said I said to boss what do you mean

he said why is he shouting I say he's American that's enough yeah but it was the guy next to him was slightly cowering onto the onslaught of it.

But is that... Is it a geographical thing? Is it because there's more space? Wide open prairies. I mean, are South Africans loud? They can be. I don't know. It's a good idea, the space thing.

No, I think they have more space. If I was walking down the road alongside a curb-crawling polling day, vote Labour, that's what it would have been like. The bloke was talking to me through the roof speaker. I had one of these just this week, actually. I was in the sort of small Tesco near my flat and an American lady who was sort of only a metre

or so from me said extraordinarily loudly do you know where the vitamins are in this store? and I went gah and I said oh well all that sort of health stuff's just there next to the and she went ah and she was shocked at me because she'd been bellowing at her friend at the other end of the aisle

she's probably sitting with friends now saying so this bloke he looked And she went, ah, and she was shocked at me because she'd been bellowing at her friend at the other end of the aisle. She's probably sitting with friends now saying, so this bloke, he looked homeless, but he was so quiet, I couldn't tell. I couldn't tell what he was talking about. He was just gesturing wildly at vitamins. Yeah, exactly. But you know, you know the English, they're virtually silent.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Nafeli. We are not live, so do not text. You can Twitter

and Instagram us though. I'm not saying Twitter now because the producer has added a T with Biro. Biro? Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I read that not only as if I'd never read it before, but as if I'd never read English before. It's like I read Chaucer in that slightly.

Oh, this is strange and I love it. He would have written it twice. He would have, yeah. I don't know if he mentioned Twitter much. I've just received an email which I'm going to read to you hot off the press. It's from London Councils.

I didn't even know there was such an organisation as London Councils. Some sort of joint. Sounds a bit scammy, but continue. Well, it says, blah, blah, blah. Your application has now been passed to the administration team for processing. And provided your application is successful, you'll receive your Freedom Pass in 10 working days. Now, Freedom Pass, I think might be an upgrade from my over 60s travel card. I think it means I can

travel the world free. It's quite a dystopian sounding email. The council will grant you a Freedom pass if your application is successful. Papers, please. I don't like the... I mean, why does one need a freedom pass? I consider myself... It's a bit The Prisoner, isn't it? I feel like I'm waiting for a pardon to come through. You know what I mean? They're building the scaffold. Any news from the governor's office?

I find it a bit Joseph Kaye, the whole thing. Well, I'll keep you posted on one freedom one freedom i am actually going for free and hated yes become the wasp you're going wasp frank went wasp not egg maybe on i'd always go egg every time frank on my art show that i worked on whereas i was explaining i was told that everyone hated me on set. Why, you said it didn't. They might have a free and hated party on my behalf. Yes, with lots of sort of jam. I don't believe that's true anyway. For all the wasps.

Yeah. Some sweet things in the open air. Oh, sweet things in the open air. Now, you've been talking. What a party that was. You've been talking about cheese. Oh, I've been talking. For most of the morning, if we're we're honest well i was confronted with cheese it wasn't my uh it wasn't my idea oh how do you think tom and

jerry feel which character is confronted by the cheese in that actually well jerry is the is the mystery the mouse because it's tom cat that's the thing to hold on to. When you say hold on to it, I never intend to watch it again in my life because I'm an adult with responsibilities. Well, it was one of those that, unless it's got produced by Fred Quimby, you want to be avoiding it because the modern stuff is very poor. Oh, was it?

Yeah, but which one is Pete in our favourite character? Is he in Tom and Jerry? No, Pete is Disney. Oh, OK, I've got it all wrong. Pete, because he's an obscure Disney character... Do you know Pete, by the way? Which one is Pete? Well, that's a very good question.

We had a long debate. I had a text in on what kind of animal is Pete. And Pete is a sort of a periphery Disney character who plays generally unpleasant characters. He was Goofy's neighbour. Goofy's sort of bully. Yes, the big, possibly a cat. I think we arrived at cat as a

final. He's part dog, part sort of heavy. He's just big. He's like Bluto from Popeye. Yes. He's a bit like Brian. Bluto, who I think... He always plays slightly aggressive characters. I believe Bluto's name was changed to Brutus,

but they kept the same character. Okay. I don't know why that was. Peter's sort of constantly slapping Goofy's back and saying, hey, Goof. Yeah, Peter's... He's a bully. Does he have a...

I think he might wield a cigar, even. Yes. I even thought he was a bull or something like that, but he turned out to be a very well-developed cat. A sort of civet or something. Yeah, I don't know exactly what breed he is, but I don't think he has a tail. Maybe he's a Manx.

I think Frank's texting was, what is Pete? Yeah. But Pete has one advantage, and this is where Disney obscurity comes in. Hold on, I'm being... I'll tell you Pete's advantage. That's the band I'm playing next.

No, it isn't. I'll tell you what I think is Pete's advantage after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Pete from the... Yeah, we've gone back to talking about Pete, which I resolved I would never do. Pete the Disney

character, Google him if you don't know him, he's a periphery Disney character who is a sort of heavy. I think it was Pete who... Terrible name as well. ...suggested to Goofy's son that there was no Santa. Yes.

And I was proved humiliatingly wrong when Santa turns up at the end. Quite right. And I don't think he reprimands Pete, because he's a forgiving old character. Does Pete speak? Because some of these characters... Oh, God, Pete speaks. Oh, yeah.

Like all bullies. How does he speak, Pete? In an intimidating fashion. He talks like this. He's got a... Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah. A real man would have mown his lawn, goof.

But what I'm saying is, I think we've got a P.S. character for the absolute fancy dress party. Yes, Pete. Coming as Pete, that'd be it. I love that. But Pete's advantage is because he's periphery and he's a bit of a specialist interest, Pete,

even for Disney enthusiasts. He's a deep Google. He never endures what I refer to as bad Disney. And bad Disney is what you see painted on fairgrounds. Yes, with sort of a spray can. In an enormous flouting of all copyright rules, someone who

shall be unnamed for legal reasons paints like a thick set goofy. Yeah. And because we don't know who the hell did it. Mickey Mouse with eyes completely the wrong size. Really sort of... Yeah. Or Mickey Mouse but with full length

trousers and they're blue. Can I also say... With four fingers and a thumb, Mickey Mouse. And doesn't appear to have seen any pictures of Madonna after 1984. Yeah. Or George Michael. MJ as well. They like pink now as well. I once met a court artist

outside a courtroom in London and I went over and explained my great admiration for the genre. You know, the pastel or the white pastel crayon on the Met officer's shirt. Yes. And she showed me some of her work. We had a really lovely chat and I said, so are you working on Soaks? It's a lovely day. And she said, no no we're not allowed

to draw in court oh my god she said people who are court artists invariably have virtually photographic memories

so you go and have a good old stare eye up the details and then you go into an ante room and do your drawings gosh oh is that right then

I didn't know that and I think the bad Disneys, they don't have photographic memory, but they are working on a similar... There are no Disney characters present when they draw. It's purely from memory,

probably of watching them in their childhood. I think they draw like they're having Disney described to them by an old sailor who saw them once. Yeah. As is my want, Frank, I've obviously Googled Pete and I'm reading about Pete. Okay.

But a fantastic piece of trivia. What are you saying, reading about Pete? Oh, on the Disney fandom wiki. Oh, what does it say? Great piece of trivia about Pete. Having appeared three years prior to Mickey Mouse, Pete is the oldest recurring Disney character.

Wow. And the first villain. But he's had a lot of... The evolutions of Pete was my thesis. But the evolutions of Pete, I would go in deep there. But the oldest

and the first villain. Yeah. Again, a position I held on the art show. LAUGHTER Still sounding good. That was Heart of Glass by, again, according to my notes, Blownide.

B-L-O-N-I-D-E. It's been a rough week. Or as I call her, Frank, Blondie. Yeah, I quite like Blownide. It sounds like a sort of fictional chemical from a sci-fi. It sounds very Bond villain. We're going to lower you to a vat of pure blown-eyed. But I think bromide, doesn't that lower your physical excitement levels?

Isn't that bromide? I think it was given to soldiers in the army to stop them getting too frisky. When I first encountered bromide, I was at a Duran Duran concert. I like it so far, this story. In about 1987 let's say. Okay, embarrassing. I know, I know.

Maybe 1988. And I felt for them because it was maybe two or three maybe it was three or four years, let's say, after their white-hot peak. So they were playing Brighton instead of Wembley. It was that sort of thing.

They were like me. They're on Simmer. Yeah, they're on Simmer. Exactly, Frank. And I think they felt... Frank Simmer. They weren't... That needs something. That deserves something. That deserves something. That's the second volume of my memoirs.

Frankie... I should have called the first one Frankie Boyle. Frankie Boyle. Diaries of a Wasp. Oh, God. I'd never call me that again. My Paris priest heard you call me that. Anyway, I'm at the Duran Duran concert.

I've looked up. And I can see they're a little bit disappointed with the response because they're used to screaming girls. Yeah. We've all got on a bit. We're all a bit... I mean, I was still a teenager, may I say, at this point. But...

And at one point, I remember Simon Le Bon suddenly said, is there bromide in the water in this part of the world or something? Oh. Ooh. And I didn't know what that is. And I don't think most of the other people did. So it went a bit silent. No, it's not.

Well, even the brain that is P.N. Avelli didn't know what bromide was. And then he kept referring to bromide. He said, have you met the bromide again? Oh, no. It's like when I saw the cult and he started calling that man

Mr. Shirt in the audience because he was wearing like a normal shirt rather than some sort of bandage. When rock stars never get angry with the fans. No, never get angry on stage is my general rule. Have you really? Has that been your rule?

Yeah, it ruined Hitler. Oh, for God's sake. We were having a lovely chat about bromide. And then you did that. Can I say, we're only talking about, if you're listening on one of the Decade channels, I just played Blondie on the main channel, but due to a misprint, it says Blonide,

which is like bromide. But what I like about it also is that Blondie, you could say, was a tremendous aphrodisiac, certainly when I was a young man. And only change one little letter round and it becomes equated with something which suppresses those appetites. Yes.

And you can learn a lot from that, the importance of getting exactly the right letter. Frank Zimmer, Frank Skinner. Yeah. Now, Frank. No. I think... I used to drink in an Irish pub

and when you walked in, the landlord would go, No. Always. I liked it. It was a man who lived in the moment. I think it's time we turn to some of our reader correspondents. How would you feel about that? Well, I asked if people, because we're pre-recording this week,

so don't text in or you'll waste your money. I pre-recorded. I didn't pre-record. I was just slightly put off by something then. But don't worry. This is what happens. Yeah. What was we talking about?

We can cut this, can't we? Yeah. Or leave it in because people like the rubbish bits I think okay you can't say what you were distracted by no I just I'll be honest with you the television is on mute in case a big story

happens and we need to it wouldn't really matter on a pre-record but it just had a clip of John Motsen walking on set on Fantasy Football being greeted by me and it made me feel slightly emotional so that put me off I apologise for my unprofessionalism maybe we should go into

a thing while I yes Frank, I want deeply to go over to our readers' contributions. Yes, yes. So let's kick off with Dean Rawlings. OK. You may recall, I think it was last week's show, you were telling us about your experiences in Holland.

Mm-hm. And I made it sound slightly sinister. Holland or the Netherlands? Oh, the Netherlands. No, well, I was in Holland, actually. Oh. Well, yeah, why are there so... Pick a name. Pick a lane in the Netherlands.

No, no, but Holland, I discovered this, is part of the Netherlands. And it's the part that Amsterdam is in. Yes. And it's like saying England instead of the UK. Is it? Yeah, something like that. So I was in Holland, but I was also in the Netherlands.

Got it. Okay. So you were talking about how you'd got into clogs. Yes. You'd become a fan. I'd literally got in. I actually tried a pair. I was so close to getting a pair.

See, if I'd have had them on on the tube, it would have made sense of being off a cheese, wouldn't it? Yes. He would have been mumbling, you look like you could use a bit of cheese. Yeah, and someone else would have been holding up one of those. You know those things that blow cold air on you, those little windmill things.

You see, I miss the days. My dentist used to wear white clogs. Really? And Rolf, who is Norwegian. And I always felt so comforted and reassured by them. Now they'd be wearing the Crocs. There's a Salima Hill poem, and I can't remember it word for word,

but she said, I try to look I think it's I think it's adorable and sensible and she said like a pair of surgeon's crocs before they are splattered with blood Forgive me Salima

for slightly misquoting you but she won't be listening. She lives in Dorset, I think. Well, why would that rule her out? Have they got DAB? Oh, for heaven's sake. Dean Rawlings. Mm-hm.

Dean has some holiday purchase stories. Whilst on holiday in France, we decided to bring back a variety of cured meats, which were hanging attractively in a butcher shop window. Makes sense. He's talking my language. Unfortunately,

our cases were mislaid. They got lost, along with the cured meat. Several weeks later, our luggage was found and returned home along with the smell of death seeping from the case oh no needless to say the cured meats went straight into the bin imagine local dogs chasing that the car that delivered that suitcase back down the street. Oh, that's horrible.

Well, they obviously weren't cured enough. No, it's usually cured. They told us when I bought the thousand-day-old goat cheese, I was told it would happily live outside of a fridge for a month. At least, once you've done 1,000 days. Yeah? Yeah. That's been like your freedom pass.

I had some this week, of course. I got stuck into the 1,000-day-old goat. And if my mother-in-law won't mind me calling her that. Oh, my actual God. No, no. No, I... It's a joke. Sandy, if you're listening. It was

so rich, that cheese. Oh. Bit like some other old goats I know. Yeah. It tasted almost like chocolate. Didn't it? It was that thick and deep and dreamy.

You're going to start offering it to people on the tube? Too late now, unless I offer it already processed by me. Frank Skinner. Or Frank Simmer. Or Frank Goy. Hmm. Hmm. Or Frank the Boy. Hans Zimmer. Hans Zimmer. Does he feel his career isn't as hot as it was?

No. We have been talking... I'm also in my own unique limbo of being between an over-60s travel card and a Freedom Pass. Yes, in this dystopia. It's no man's land, I find myself. Can you still say no man's land?

Is that acceptable? Yeah. Yeah. That's enough for me. I feel it should be a no person's land. It would be if we had World War I again. Yeah, well, no, that probably won't happen. Okay.

Have you gentlemen stopped talking about military battles perhaps we could lighten the atmosphere in here um so impulse holiday purchases oh yes i was talking about nearly buying clogs yes actually buying one of the greatest stories you've ever told and of course course. When you nearly bought clogs. And of course. It took on a whole thing of, I've got to an age of experience where I can stop myself from buying everything

that seems a great idea on holiday, though I did get Hard Rock Cafe Amsterdam T-shirt. Well, Lennon3696. Lennon as in? You may say I'm a dreamer that Lenin that Lenin not the Russian character

no he was more of an in Lenin did purchase the clogs oh how did that go I'll tell you how it went I still very much use my clogs. Oh, how did that go? I'll tell you how it went. I still very much use my clogs. Oh.

In fact, I'm wearing them right now. Gone through four pairs. I've started having to get them shipped over. What? So, Frank... Yeah, see, I made a mistake. How do you go through clogs? They're made of wood.

I know. Well, you have to. Some sort of Pinocchio. I mean, I'm imagining Lennon's... I think he does a lot of those hot coals, Wolf. He works at a tiki bar. Yeah. Oh, I see.

Can you imagine Lennon? The thing about Lennon, I find, though, is that you always know when he's coming. Well, yeah. He can't do any... But what Lennon, I find, though, is that you always know when he's coming. Well, yeah. He can't do anything. But what Lennon has done now, he's made me think, oh, I should have got them. I'll tell you what did occur to me,

because they're still on my mind. Yes. I was lying in bed thinking about the clubs, and the thing that has consoled me is they must, by definition, be uncomfortable. Yes, surely. And they say wear a thick woolen sock. That's attractive.

Also, Frank, what worries me about Lennon, what I'd like to know, is, I tell you what, what worries me about Lennon is, is, yeah, okay. No, what worries me about Lennon is...

Lennon, do you have wooden floors? Do you have neighbours? He doesn't need wooden... He's got his own wooden floor. But I just think they're quite a selfish footwear, potentially. If you're wearing them in a flat, but we've no evidence that he does that. But even in a house,

is that fair on the people you live with? I don't want that. You'd slip on carpet, wouldn't you? Because they're sort of smooth wood. You could do the thing they used to do in new shoes in the wardrobe department. Scrape a fork on the bottom to make them look good. Nail scissors.

But Frank, I don't even want to hear that in the street. I heard someone behind me the other day and she had the kind of heels that were going clomp, clomp, clomp. i looked strong and well that's extreme if you don't mind but that's how i feel when some idiot goes past with a suitcase on wheels what occurred to me about clogs quickly is if I got one, it was uncomfortable. All I need is a chisel. Oh, yes.

And wood chisel in there, and I can take that uncomfortable bit out. Customise. You can't do that with a leather shoe. No. So maybe if you can get them online, I might not yet have escaped the temptation. I've been doing, I think we're just around the house. Remember last week, we were talking about car horns with regional accents.

So if someone blasts their horn at you in Northern Ireland, it goes, arr, arr, arr, like that. And I've just been doing them round the house on my own. So, like, if you're in Liverpool, How's Kath at the moment? She's, you know, difficult. What would South Africa be? Hardly.

Oh, yeah. Beep. South Africa, yeah. Honk. Something like that. Yeah, what would that be? Beep. Beep.

Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Peter Novelli. We're not live, so don't text. Twitter and Instagram, you can get us on at frankontheradio or email us frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Can I just quickly add something on the subject of horns? Ben Harrington got in touch to say, I once hired a large red SUV in the US of A.

We'll get back to US of A. We'll get back to US of A. Can you get back to SUV? What is that? Oh, it stands for... Something vehicle. Yeah. Pierre will know what it stands for. He'll come back to us on that while I continue.

We called it Big Red. Okay. Oh, I don't know about Big... I quite like Big Red. Big Red was... Was it a dog that was called Big Red in an old Disney film? I hope so. There's probably a bad painting of it on a fairground somewhere.

The bloodhound, wasn't it? We called it Big Red. I thought it was a red setter. No. We called it Big Red and drove it over Northern California. We loved it, Big Red, until I had to use the horn. It was very high and slightly camp. I'm afraid you never know what's going on under the hood.

No. That's from Ben Harrington. I suppose you'd want a sort of ship's fog horn if you're driving some sort of massive... Yeah, you don't want... You don't want that. How did it go? That's how I think it went. Arr. Arr. That's when I think it went. Yeah. Arr.

Arr. That's when I'm in Bristol. Yeah. Maybe you could get... I'd quite like an Oliver Hardy one. Mmm. Mmm. I don't know if they have two syllables. They used to have da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da.

Yeah. Yeah, Navelli, what say you? Well, I was going to say regarding these cured meats, as at least an original South African, I can't let this lie. Well, when we started talking about cured meats, I felt animation.

I sat up straighter in my chair. Colour returned to my cheeks. Novelli likes meat. We're still getting round that. He likes meat. Is he one of those meat men? I'm afraid so. I mean, he would have seen that as a tragic story,

the loss of those cured meats. And as you said, they weren't cured enough. I would have fallen to my knees in grief before immediately being furious with whoever claimed to have cured them. It isn't odd, unless they were kept in some heated... I've got to be honest, Pierre, I thought of you when I went to the Chelsea Flower Show and they took me into some strange yurt affair.

And they said, this is the Guy Ritchie meat. It's a specialist barbecue. It's a whole, they're devoted to meat. It's like a giant sort of shack for men to eat meat in. At the Chelsea Flower Show? Yes. To keep them busy? But it's Guy Ritchie's business.

He's obsessed with meat. Is that right? Yeah, he's obsessed by it. Oh, right. It's like a meat unit, meat-eating unit. You cook it, 12 men sit around eating the meat. That's my nickname. It's odd because Madonna appears to be made out of brie.

So I would have thought he'd would be more of a cheese man. But she's got the beef jerky arms. She looks chewy. When we went to that famous motorway services on tour, what's it called? It's the one in Cumbria. T-Bay. T-Bay services, which I would recommend to anyone.

And when they had homemade Bill Tong if you'd have seen Pierre's face. Oh man. It was like Willy Wonka. You love the cured meat then. It's like one of my favourite stage directions which is in the My Fair Lady script.

And when Alfred Doolittle finds out that his daughter is living at a millionaire's house it says, Doolittle finds out that his daughter is living at a millionaire's house, it says, Doolittle exits like a man on his way to El Dorado. And that's what Pierre looked like at T-Bay. Pierre, let's talk about the meat. Don't forget this week's texting. What is a scholarly?

Carry on. I grew up with... By the way, don't text in because we're not live. It was a joke. That's actually a joke. We are the cured meats. It is for you. I've got no idea.

We are the cured meats. Yes. I grew up facing a similar cured meat in luggage transportation issues because you are not allowed to bring uncooked sort of beef products into the UK or into the Isle of Man. Right. And technically, built on... We should establish this is where you lived.

Was it South Africa first, then? Then Isle of Man, yeah. Okay. And so we would attempt to bring Southern African delicacies, Biltong, Drorwurst, but they're technically... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, back up here. I don't know what...

Wurst is meat, isn't it? Sausage. Frank, can you deal with this? Drorwurst. Dror is dry. Drorwage. Frank, can you deal with this? Trövost. Drövost is dry. Trövost. Okay, so dry sausage. But not like salami,

like dry enough that you can snap it. Really dry. So what's bratwurst then? Whatever brat is sausage. Oh. Brat sausage. Small, unpleasant child. Yes.

Ground into... Yes, Trövost has minced some bad children. So go on. So technically... Can I say I went to the Stravel Peter Museum in Germany? Did you? Yes, for long fingernails. That was a quiet day in Germany.

I'm really jealous of you. That was one of my favourite books as a child. Really? Don't tell anyone that. Why? Because it's such a cruel, dark book. Well,? Don't tell anyone that. Why? Because it's such a cruel, dark book. Well, we didn't have much option. It was that or

Macbeth at my house. Fair enough. Take your pick. Back to the meat. So I remember having to sit bored out of my skull while my parents did their best to explain to various customs officers that no, it wasn't cooked, but yes, it wasn't raw. Oh God, that is difficult. So it's been cooked. And they go, that, no, it wasn't cooked, but yes, it wasn't raw.

Oh, God, that is difficult. So it's been cooked. They go, well, no. But there was an early lesson that you mustn't try and tell the technical truth to people in authority. So what had been done to it? It is cured and dried and sort of salted, and there's salt and vinegar and all sorts of preservatives. But never cooked?

No, but this stuff is rock hard. I mean, it would keep for 100 years did they get it through generally they got they failed once or twice when they're stupid enough to tell the truth i don't like the sound of failed i can imagine them on those it's a great thing to be getting through i mean it's a a very dry hard sausage is something that you think if you got desperate you you could get through customs in the traditional smuggling ways. You'd think. You would. But anyway, you must never tell the truth.

Did I ever tell you, by the way, one of the saddest stories you'll ever hear? You must never tell the truth. Not when it comes to dried meats and customs. When I first came down to London from the West Midlands doing gigs, I went to Camden and I was walking through Camden town in North London and a man came up to me and said, do you want to buy some stuff? And I said, instead of saying no, I said, well, I think I've got so many crazy things already going around in my... And he'd walked away. It was a terrible, yokel way of refusing drugs.

Oh, did you pretend to be... Yeah, you know, I'm so wild in any way. But he'd gone. He wasn't interested. I'm just so embarrassing. I'm actually... You can't see it on radio. I'm actually doing the loser sign on my forehead. You know what? It feels good. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

It was Ash Wednesday. Well, on Wednesday. So I went... Did you have to do the cross on your head? Yes. Did you? Yeah, what they do is, I don't know if you're aware of this, but in Catholic circles,

they take the palms that are left over from Palm Sunday, which was like last Lent, last year, and they burn those and then the ashes are put on your head. And they aim at a cross, but often it just comes out as a bit of a blob in the middle of the head. And interestingly, on the subject of religious festival mash-ups, being Palm Sunday and Ash Wednesday, when I had my pancakes on Tuesday, we didn't get the Nutella we intended to get.

And so, Boz had an Easter egg left over, so we broke that up onto the pancake. Loads of fishes. There again. Easter and Shrove Tuesday. Of course. Sort of recycling. Festival mashup.

Very green. Yeah. Frank, what's Shrove then? Is that a religious thing or...? Well, it's traditionally... I suppose it's a day in which you are shriven mmm oh I don't like the sound of that but what it's become is that's the day you go crazy and have all the cakes chocolate sweet depends on what you're

gonna give up you go for it that day because you're gonna give it up the next day for six weeks Mardi Gras fat Tuesday. So what will you give up? Nothing I can talk about on breakfast radio. Oh, for God's sake. So... Clogs. Anyway, I... So I went in and...

By the way, every time I have pancakes, I'm going to put pancakes on the list which includes turkey and kite flying as things that I do and think you know what I'm going to do this all the time and then I don't do it for another year or so

and pancakes I always think God I love pancakes What saints feast are you flying kites for? No, that's just a thing I do occasionally. The feast of St. Phileas Fogg. Yeah. Was it the flu?

Who was the American president who flew kites? Was it Benjamin Franklin? Yes. I only know he threw their dog. He tied a key to it. Yeah. Anyway, so I went to church. I got my ashes.

Oh, freedom pass. I then walk home. So I have to walk home with the ashes on my forehead. Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean? So they put... Who does the ash?

The priest does it. Is it the vicar? Yeah. And you walk up, he just... He puts it on your forehead, so everyone's got this big black mark on their head. A woman, I met a woman who worked in Irish television and she worked on the Irish Parliament coverage

and said on Ash Wednesday, the Catholic politicians would say, can you touch my ashes up a bit so they're more visible but in fact I you know as as as religious as you may be you do think I've now got to walk home with this um on my head yeah this makes sense I saw a prominent member of the the Kennedy family they're they your lot, aren't they? Yes. And he had the crown. That's why.

Of course, I've got quite a big forehead. I don't think there's any question about that. So there's just this tiny black figure in the middle of an absolute array of whiteness. It looks a bit like those pictures of the lovely Alison Hammond with the BAFTA winners. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio.

So, yeah, so people were staring on the walk back with this big black, as I say, basically a blob, really, a black dot in the middle of my... I thought maybe they were having flashbacks to old Blind Pew in Treasure Island who confronted Billy Bones with the black spot and it means you're marked down to be killed. I suspect they weren't.

OK. Billy Bones I don't know if you remember have you read Treasure Island he was the one who sang habitually sang 15 men on a dead man's chest yo ho ho

and a bottle of rum I love have you read Treasure Island it was Rag Week I think at Pirates University 15 men on a dead man's chest. Does Rag Week still exist, by the way? Yes, yeah. Do they still all get into a phone box? There are still...

There's still an element of wackiness. Is it always doctors? You never hear about it now. You used to see people pushing a bed down a street or all getting into a mini or something. I think it varies by establishment, but it's got a strong medical student vibe to it. I thought it was it got out of hand one year and I think

a celebrity was kidnapped. And that was seen as overstepping the mark, I think. I think generally these things are if they're not discouraged, they're made unofficial so no one's liable at the university. Yes.

Well, anyway, one bloke who stared at me got very excited and started nudging his wife and all that sort of thing. And I realised that if you see a celebrity, that's a point scorer. If you see a soiled celebrity, that's a real bonus, isn't it? that's a real bonus isn't it well sort of you don't just see them but you see them with sort of mustard on their shirt or something that you think is a mistake

yeah exactly it's that joy of thinking not everything in this person's life is great yes seeing Clarkson drop a takeaway coffee you should have added the clogs and they'd have known not everything was great yes, seeing Clarkson drop a takeaway coffee. Exactly. Well, you should have added the clogs and they'd have known not everything was great.

Well, they'd have also heard me coming, of course. Did you... How long does the ash last on the... Well, I think you've got to at least walk home. But obviously, the next shower, it tends to come off. You don't have to keep it on forever. But, you know, if I was wearing a bindi, people would think it was quite

cool and stuff but they do stare at you like he doesn't know he's got that when i got in my partner said you've got a big black blob on your head i said how long have we been together how long have you been together every ash wednesday you say that oh man and then then here's the thing. I got interviewed by You magazine. That was a gasp from the producer. They're acting like it's Frost-Nixon. Well, this is for the poetry podcast. This is pushing the poetry podcast.

And the... kept me about 20 minutes over time. And I was meeting a friend in a local restaurant, The Open Coffin. And I should explain probably that it's actually called the Oak and Poppy. But when someone said to me, there's a new restaurant opening on the high street, it's called the Open Coffin.

That's what I thought they said. And I've stopped with it. Where did you meet the lady? So I met her in Starbucks, the journalist. Oh, so you take her to the chain and then you meet the friends in the posh? Meet the friends in the posh ones. So I was 20 minutes, You take her to just the chain and then you meet the friends in the posh. Meet the friends in the posh ones. So I was 20 minutes, I knew I was going to be 20 minutes late for meeting the friend. So my publicist who was with me, I said, you're going to have to come with me to the restaurant so you can be a reliable witness as to why I'm late.

Living proof. We've all been there. Yeah, so I marched the 20-minute walk to the restaurant to vouch for me. It gets stranger. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

I arrived at the open coffin with my publicist and said, can you tell my friend now? They knew each other happily. So she explained. And then Lucy, my publicist, turned to the woman on the next table and said, hello, how are you? So she knew her. And then the woman on the next table said all right frank

how are you i looked across it was patsy palmer oh shut up of east enders fame and was recently on dancing on ice so this friend of lucy's said can i have a photo with you two and I said okay by me so we got in and did the photo and then then died then a pregnant woman came over and said can I have a photo with you two so we did that by now people were looking as if it was some kind of freak show carnival about yeah and then so I was talking then to Patsy Palmer, and then Chloe Maidley came in. Where were you? With James Haskell, the, I don't know if you know him. The rugby?

Yeah, it's a rugby. I'm not a rugby person, but. He was on I'm a Celebrity. I would have guessed he was rugby when he came in, because he looked like he could have come in without using the door. She's charming. I met her many years ago, as is the son. Well, then my friend said to Chloe madly,

oh, I produced you on Big Brother. I thought, this is the weirdest. This is what people think London is like. Exactly, yeah. I remember that. When I left home and moved into a bed seat in Birmingham, there was a guy living in the next bed seat and we were going to go to some do

and there was going to be tango there. So we put some tango music on and see if we could work it out. Tangoed together in his bed seat. I remember saying to him, you know, this is why my mum and dad were worried about me moving out. To that London. Oh, man.

We had a lovely text, didn't we, from... We did. This is regarding... We were talking about your poetry podcast. Did the interview go well, by the way? Yeah, I think so. It was hard to tell. Okay.

I will tell when it comes up. Alex Jackson has been in touch. Not the former West Bromwich Albion centre forward. I don't think so. Okay. Because it's spelled I-L-I-X. Okay, it's not him. I am Joan Hunter-Dunn's granddaughter.

That is fantastic. I found your John Betjeman episode such a delight to listen to and I would like to thank you. Would you care to explain? I should explain that John Betjeman, the poet, wrote a poem called The Subaltern's Love Song, which begins, Miss J Hunter Don, Miss J Hunter Don, furnished and burnished by Aldershot's son.

And it's about Alex's grandmother, did she say? Yeah. And if you look at pictures of Joan Hunter-Dawn when she was a young woman, you can imagine a man falling completely head over heels for her. So, oh, great. That's lovely. And you can listen to that podcast

on the Frank Skinner Poetry Podcast which is available from wherever you get your podcasts what about that for a link

that's so moving Frank and that's the kind of correspondence you get and from my podcast I get sort of Alsatian pictures but that's I always remember

I saw Emily live and she did a brilliant thing that any stand-up comic would have been proud of. She got people from the audience on stage to do their dog voice. Oh. Hello. So the people were all getting up.

Like, mine will be your little puppy. It's, yeah. And people got up completely on a, normally if you ask people to do that, they would be too embarrassed. But they just went into their dog fight. Leaping up. It obviously fills such a warm place

in their emotional landscape. They were happy to go straight into it. It was brilliant. Gosh. Anyway, what's more annoying is more or less every week when I get home after the radio show, my partner said,

that was a good show today. I thought, oh, Emily said something that really, really made me laugh. And episode four of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast will be out on Wednesday. Who is it from? This week, Ted Hughes. Oh.

I know. Oh, brilliant poet. And you can download it from wherever you get your podcasts. And you know what? Thanks for listening, guys. We'll be back live next week. Well, not according to the over-60s travel card people,

but we'll see. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Out.