The Frank Skinner Show - Frank's Midweek Fix - Elbow Wars

Episode Date: February 10, 2010

Welcome to the first midweek podcast from Frank. We hope it helps to bridge the gap between Saturdays for you!

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Welcome to the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio midweek podcast. I say midweek, so it's not...

That's the morning! No, it's whenever you're listening to it. And this is a new experiment that we're trying. I wouldn't say it's radically different. It's us talking rubbish, which is basically what the radio show is. I like an experiment, though. I like an experiment, yes. What do you like best?

I like the use of osmosis. You know a concentrate solution passing into a less concentrate solution through a semi-permeable membrane. That's one of my favourites. I like anything involving magnesium. Do you really? Yeah.

Including milk of magnesium for stomach ailments. You see, I feel we're off and running on the midweek podcast already. I went to the opera the other night. That's a Marx Brothers film, isn't it? Yeah. Well, no, it was, I actually went to see Lucia di

L'Amour at the Coliseum. And I know what you're thinking. Stop it. And I went on you're thinking. Stop it. And I went on my own because I don't know anyone else who likes opera. And I had one of these things. Now, this must have happened to you at the theatre or any event where you sit. You know, when you sit next to someone and you're sharing an armrest. And this man completely, he hogged.

He got in early. He got the elbow. I try and half it a bit i try and set the rear of or the front and let the other person he hogged the whole thing and i started to really annoy me i wasn't even paying attention to the opera my entire focus was on this bloke's intrusive elbow it became a a territorial issue. It did. I thought it was very insulting. I thought, you can't say to someone, excuse me, but I think we're supposed to share this armrest, because what's the etiquette? What is the elbow etiquette?

Let's push him off. So the elbow wars began, right? And I thought, I'll get him at the end of the first act. Sure enough, at the end of the first act, he applauded. Of course, in order to applaud. I don't think you've ever tried to applaud with your elbows on an armrest. I'll do it now.

Just the fingertips. In fact, Frank, I do that all the time so that your bingo wings don't move. I applaud like that all the time. Well, I don't have bingo wings. That's what you think. No, I've got a sort of a Michelle Obama type of an upper arm. So don't.

I don't know how that happened. Anyway, so as soon as he lifted him to applaud, I was in. And I was so, he came back down and he felt the softness of my forearm and I could see he thought, oh. And I thought, I'm not going to applaud now for the whole thing. I'll just, I'll whistle if I have to. Meanwhile, I realised that my right elbow, which I hadn't even been thinking about, was completely hogging the right.

So this poor woman next to me, my right elbow had sort of gone out on its own, terrorising her. And I'd been condemning this bloke. I was doing exactly the same thing at the other side. Imagine my consternation. Can you imagine that? I can, I think. What's it look like, my consternation? So basically you want bigger armrests at the opera.

So you won't answer that question. I think there should be two armrests, and then one for you and one for the person next to you. Surely that makes sense. I think we're really thinking about what the people are talking about. Armrests at the opera. That's where, that's the buzz on the street. That's a great thing, yeah, texting. What problems have you faced at the opera recently? Well, I don't think we can have text-ins at the opera. That's where. That's the Buzzle Street. We should do... That's a great thing, yeah, texting.

What problems have you faced at the opera recently? Well, I don't think we can have textings on the podcast. But if we could... I was thinking maybe instead of armrests, you can have those

those rings that hang down on the tube. So you could all sit with an arm raised like that. That would be fine. Maybe there could be parallel bars in there. Why I'm always jealous of people in crutches

is when they sit down, they have armrests wherever they go. That's... Well, there's so much information in that. First of all, there's the use of the phrase, in crutches, as if you suggest that they're somehow trapped. Which I suppose they are. And also, you're jealous of people with crutches. That's good.

Yeah, I would always... Well, when I first had glasses, I was delighted because I always thought, oh, glasses look great. It's partly having something new as well. They don't. They don't look as good. I think you look better without glasses. Oh, I don't.

I like the glasses. Yeah, but you've never seen them first thing in the morning looking at you and saying, breakfast. No, I like those crutches. You know those crutches you see with the forearm grip? You know those ones? It's like a grey plastic forearm. Oh, they've got ridges in them.

Yeah, whenever I see people with those, they often look like they're walking perfectly well, but they've just got used to the forearm grip and it's a bit like wearing, I suppose, an elaborate bracelet. People just don't make an effort with them. I'd customise mine and have some bling on it, a nice spray-painted gold or something. Lovely.

They just look a bit dull and horrible. I'd get some segs on the bottom. Do you remember those things? Segs you used to put on the bottom of your brogue so they'd click on the... So then you could... Tap. You could scurry.

Tap crutches. Yeah, exactly. You could tap crutches. What I would like about crutches is when I was a kid, one of my great delights was when I'd walk out with my mum and dad and there'd be one old in my right hand and one left hand and I'd swing between them. Oh, yes, I like that.

I think it's probably the single worst thing about the rise of the one-parent family is that that has stopped because a child now out with its mother tries to swing and it just sort of bangs against the side of her leg. It's fine, you just get your toy boy to do it with the child. OK. I think we need to broaden it out there and make it less personal. So I think with crutches, with a bit of technique, you could start doing that.

You could do your swinging thing that you used to do as a child. So just stop with the crutches and then, you know, wee! Obviously, some of them do stop and wee. But that gets better eventually. Oh, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what I did. Did you read about, they traced the family tree of Kylie and Danny Minogue. The Minogue sisters, I call them.

Well, they're convicts. You do surprise me. Well, actually, it's odd you should say that because their dad, I think, is British. But I think it was something like their great-great-grandmother was the oldest woman ever to be hanged in great britain wow that's that's amazing that's extraordinary she was um 69 old old mama no because they used to call her and i don't know about you i'm i'm i'm i'm not um pro the death penalty i think it's uh you know it's a brutal thing and i don't think i could stomach a public hanging no i think i'd find that distressing however if i had to go to one

it would be the public hanging of a 69 year old woman because there would be something i mean you can see the comic image of that can you not the handbag dangling down the sensible shoes maybe the crutches the tension about whether her structural integrity is going to hold with the sharp with the sharp i'm loving her structural integrity that's fantastic of course if she had the crutches she could have a telescope a telescopic thing which fired them out and stopped them from hanging her. I think when they hang someone, they make sure they haven't got crutches because... No, but what about if they... When they have to stand at the rope,

if they can't stand without crutches... I can't believe we're talking about hanging like this. I'm sorry, but I do think that's quite an impressive person to have in your family. It is good. In your family back catalogue. If I was Danny Minogue, I would want to beat that record. Because, you know, she's achieved a lot in life,

but that must, you know, hang over her to forgive them. Because I reckon that when she gets... If she makes it to 72, if I was Danny Minogue, I'd ask to be hung publicly. Well, I think her face has been hanged. Frank, Gareth. Oh, sorry. Stop it.

That's the trouble. If you hanged Danny Minogue, she'd still be smiling. She wouldn't be able to work out her courage. Is it religious faith? No, I believe it's plastic surgery. That's what I aspire to. What, plastic surgery? Obviously.

I've got someone better in my family. I have a bigamist. You have a bigamist in your family? Yes. One of my five grandfathers, don't ask. One of my five grandfathers. Five grand ask. One of my five grandfathers. Five grandfathers? Yes.

I think we have five. Yes, because my grandmother was married five times. Oh, OK. Well, then you must have had at least six grandfathers, surely. Well, I realised quite late in life who my actual grandfather was. But this grandfather was a bigamist. Wow. And he had two wives. Yeah, but I think that's

okay, because... Can we say that's not the official policy of Absolute Radio? No, but Frank, hear me out. At least he's not a commitment foe, in fairness. What about the no repeat guarantee? You can't call him a commitment foe. I think he's completely shattered that bond with the listeners.

Yeah, with I do. He was a lovely man. He was a Nigerian called Bayo. And it just turned out he had another wife. Bayodegradable. Well, he couldn't degrade much worse than that. But that's quite... They caught him because at the second marriage he said, I do again. And they got suspicious.

So this is... And he took my grandmother once to the police station and said, I wish to report my wife for disobedience. Which, again, I think is fair enough. Nothing wrong with that. And was he talking about her or the other wife? Well, exactly. Who knows? So were they living in separate houses?

Well, obviously they lived in separate houses, otherwise they would have noticed. Yeah, they were living in separate houses. Separate, same town? Separate lives. No, well, it was quite easy for him, convenient Yeah, they were living in separate houses. Separate, same town? Separate lives. No, well, it was quite easy for him, convenient, because she was back in Lagos. Oh, I see.

So it made the bigamy much easier. Just a note for potential bigamists out there, different countries always helps, continents even better. Yeah, I don't think there's that many bigamists about. There might be. Well, I've got news for you. I have news. My wife, Laura, her great-grandfather...

She's not a bigamist. Yeah, she announced that she's not. She has three other husbands in Lagos. Which is quite nice. Takes the heat off. Yeah. Her great-grandfather is a bigamist. What?

Yes. You had to steal my thunder, didn't you? Is that serious? Yeah, her grandfather's dad had two families in different parts of town, one in the poor side of town, one in the rich side of town. And so her granddad's mum, so one of the wives, the rich wife, would sometimes take food to the other one if they didn't have enough. Oh.

Can I say that heartwarming that groan of sadness is because i don't have any big at me what's wrong with you you weirdo i have got an uncle um who lives in austria no i haven't to say something impressive but i backed out at the last minute I've actually been asked to do Who Do You Think You Are? You know that programme?

Oh I love that So at the moment they're going through my family That sounds odd There must be a lot of rattling going on in that closet Yes I think there are some Well I don't know. We're a very secretive family.

But what they do, when you do it, they say, well, look, we're going to spend three months researching your relatives and if they're boring, we won't do the programme. That's true. Michael Parkinson, he was in the paper moaning that they'd looked at his family and said, sorry, it's very dull, we're not doing it. Really?

Yeah, which is brilliant. I love the fact that Michael Barker's family are too dull to even discuss, generally. So, Frank, at what point did they say to you, we'll get back to you, this is what's worrying me? How long have you been waiting now? Well, I think they've spoken to some members of my family, and I'm thinking now, because I say,

we're a family that's always been... My dad, what little I know about my family is my dad said that he had an uncle called Tom Shanks. And Tom Shanks was a blacksmith. And he said he once carried... He put a horse round his shoulders like a scarf, you know, with the legs down one side of his neck and the other legs down the other, front and back,

and carried it across um across the town square a horse why why yeah i imagine it this was at the time you know and now that they did it with chihuahuas well they hadn't arrived then in this country from mexico so you had to take whatever pet you could oh he was styling it out i think he was yeah i think also there was a wall shortage so um scarves were thin on the ground. So he thought, well, I'll go equine. He sounds like a strong man. Oh, he'd be very out of my stars.

I like the sound of him. Yeah. Tom Shanks. Is it Tom Shanks? It is Tom Shanks, yeah. But then again, my dad, you know, he liked a bit of a yarn. Yeah. Did he have a pony, Tom Shanks?

Because I've heard of Shanks' pony. Well, maybe that was a pony over his shoulder. But I'm very keen to find out. I mean, I don't really care. If I was related to Hitler, say, that wouldn't be my fault, would it? No. Might explain

the thing or two. Well, I can't believe you said that. Though it did say in the Daily Mail this week that apparently Hitler suffered with wind. Really? As I said, it might explain a thing or two. Yeah.

But I can't believe that people still feel the need to diss Hitler. We've established he's not a nice person. You don't have to keep bringing him down. No-one's really defending him. No. Surely. Well, you know, there's probably one or two people, but they're on safe.

I think they're re-releasing Mein Kampf, you know. Or I think the time when it was banned in Germany is the time is up, and in 2012 for the Olympics. Oh, yeah. They're going to have a racist athon this Olympics. But yeah, Mein Kampf is apparently

being republished in Germany. Do you think he'd come on and blog it? We'll just have a little jingle for Adolf Hitler. Guys, I've got a question for you. I want to ask how you both sleep. Because I've been hearing this week, you know they've identified that there are 39 different

sleeping positions. So I'm going to tell you some of them. Hitler, 39 39 it's all falling into place this isn't it it's the between 39 and 45 is that what you're telling me they could be okay so there's the heimlich position oh my goodness this is all is are they all german words yeah not the hein the Heinrichs. It's themed. So the Heimlich is when you lie with your arms around someone and their bomb is sort of in your lower abdomen. As if you're about to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. Yes.

Do either of you do that ever? Oh, no. No? No, my girlfriend sleeps as far away from me as one could sleep whilst remaining in the same bed. Oh, well, that's called the cliffhanger. I think Sue Barker used to sleep like that. You're both on opposite sides of the bed, clinging on.

Well, I'm all right. I'm happy where I am. But you couldn't get anywhere near the end. I mean, she's really... You know where at the end of a mattress, there's that sort of beading that goes round the side? Do you know the raised beading? I know exactly what you mean. The piping, it is, really.

If it wasn't for that, she'd be on the floor every ten minutes. I think that is keeping her... That's keeping her on. Mind you, it is cold in your bedroom. How did I know that? Yeah. How do you sleep, Gareth?

I sleep... No, but how do you sleep? No, how do you sleep? Who do you think you are? You've already said it. I've got news for you. We're just going to talk in TV titles now. Oh, mock the week. I sleep overlapping Poland.

What's the German word for that? Overlapping Poland? No, like, you know, crossing the border into Poland. Oh, I see. I thought, you know, with some whole, some sort of reference to... No, I like the fact you went free. We can fix it up in the end. I don't like facing people when I sleep. Oh, no.

Maybe that's to do with the kind of people I'm choosing to sleep with. But I don't like... Apologies to anyone I've slept with. But I don't like looking at their face. I'm glad you got that done in one go. You wouldn't want to have to do that individually. You don't want looking at their face. I'm glad you got that done in one go. You wouldn't want to have to do that individually. You don't want to mail out. Maybe we should do a special podcast for apologies.

Yeah. To anyone I've sat with. Emily's apologies. It'll be like the Star Wars credits. Right. Sorry, carry on. I'm terribly sorry. I just don't like their big old face breathing in front of me.

No, I hate being breathed on in the night. Oh, me too. Now, as much as I love my girlfriend, I hate being breathed on in the night. Oh, me too. As much as I love my girlfriend, I don't want her breath in my face like that. I don't want them anywhere near me. I've had my fun, go. I once did a play that had a tortoise in it.

I don't like where this is going. And I held the tortoise up to my face for a publicity shot. It was for a publicity shot. Don't think for a second I was getting saucy with it. And I felt two jets of air coming out of its nostrils, its reptilian nostrils. And do you know, those jets of air were icy cold.

It's true. And it turns out, because reptiles are cold-blooded, that their breath is cold. Did it smell the breath? No. Just a bit tortoisey. It was from the nostril. It smelled a little bit of tortoise,

but not so bad. But I thought, you know, I might get a tortoise in the summer months. You could keep one in the... Oh, like a fan. Yeah, you could keep it in a bomb bag. And then if you got a bit hot, just, oh, just hold it, rain, and like under the armpits, oh, that's better.

Oh, them twin jets. What do you think? You could get one of those giant ones for your house. Yeah, that's right. Like an air-con unit. Air-conditioning. Or put it on the roof, yeah. Yeah.

I love it. What you'd have to do is in the winter, you'd have to give it the flu. So it got a temperature and then... I think we've either completely reinvented the heating and cooling systems of British homes or we've written a rather shabby episode of The Flintstones. Good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. good night to you