The Frank Skinner Show - Frank's Midweek Mini

Episode Date: April 1, 2010

Live from Preston....plus more debate about this podcast's name?

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Well, it's the... Oh, we still haven't got a name for it. We've had some really good suggestions as well. Yeah, they're great. We had mid-riffery.

Yeah. Which is a bit like midwifery. And because we riff is the idea. We riff on themes. We had something for the weekdays. Yeah, something for the weekdays. I like that one. We had even more frank.

I quite like that one. Yeah, I think that's definitely in the frame. Next week we have to definitely decide. I think we'll say that entries are still open. Yeah. Very much so. Entries are open. Yeah. Okay, so

I thought of ten jokes, none of which I could tell. Yes, I know. I'll tell you what I did read, and that was Korea's advice, apparently, isn't very good in this country and there's been a study of it and people have been given quite a lot of bad career's advice i once went to the career's advice office in aston in birmingham i did an interview which lasted about

i'd say about seven minutes with the guy and he said said, I'll be honest with you, I can't think of any organisation that you'd be a help to. Is that what he said? He said, off the record, I suggest you stay unemployed as long as you possibly can. He didn't. He honestly did, I swear that.

That's terrible. Is there any organisation you have been a help to? Well, I think St John's Ambulance. OK. I bought them a couple of shoulder bags for garden, for thigh to work, you know. So should he, his words. See, I didn't really get careers advice. The sort of young ladies' school I went to, they said,

what are you looking for, a lawyer, a doctor? It was what profession would you like your future husband to do? And did you have books on your head? Yeah, I once did. I did teacher training for a while as well. And I spoke to the headmaster of the school at the end of it. And he said, I'm worried about you. He said, you're obviously not. You don't want to be a teacher. You're not happy doing that. He said, you're one of these people, he said, I've thought this a few times during the course of the last six weeks. He said, you're one of these people who could very easily end up being a tramp. Can you believe that? That was your career prospects at school? Tramp?

Yeah. Well, I had just gone, I am really a tramp. Yeah. Well, I had just gone... I know! We're going to... Get out! Get out! To be fair, you were sort of a tramp for about ten years. I was a... Well, yes, but I mean, when he told me that, I had a suit and tie on, for goodness sake. Wow.

No shoes and socks. Or shirt. And a very big beard. Yeah. No, it was so... Mine wasn't good. A bloke at school gave me a brochure on careers in the film industry

because I told him I was in a pop group. Hmm. That's the kind of help I got. And they thought, if the pop group goes really well, maybe you could think, well, I'm going to try acting. That's quite...

Hang on, let's not gloss over that. What do you mean you're in a pop group? Well, I was in a... You know, we played local pops and stuff. Yeah. What, on the ukulele? No, no, I wasn't on the ukulele. I was just on lead vocals in those days.

You weren't. It was called Old English, it was called, named after the cider. Well, I never knew. Very close to my heart. Oh. Yeah, so, yeah. Did you get careers advice, Gareth?

I did. We had to fill in this long questionnaire and a computer-like generated ideas. Oh, you see, you're a generation on from me. With me, it was just a man in a room. Yeah, but I didn't know. I think I was doing my GCSEs and I didn't know that I would be able to go to university. I assumed I wouldn't. Oh, I imagine most people did. I assumed I wouldn't. I imagine most people did.

Yeah. And I think it said something like landscape gardener. That's what I came up with, something like that, which I have never done. But I think so many jobs nowadays, like... So the computer said you should be a landscape gardener. You'd be good with sort of trees. Yeah, deciding where trees go. Not talking to people. Yeah. Keep away from... It go. Not talking to people.

It said, don't talk to anyone. Don't talk to anyone else. That was the result of the survey. I think you should have that on a tattoo as a little reminder. There was an advert this week, actually. It said that there was a story saying that they'd been advertising

the job centre had placed an advert for a position on the wall of death as a fairground in Battersea. Which I thought was quite a weird job to advertise. Anything? Wall of death. That's the one on the motorcycle, isn't it? No, when they go around.

Yeah, it's not just a cork board with ugly people on it. Yeah, it's the one where you have to drive really, really fast and then you just literally go up the wall. You'd think there was a bit of skill involved. Have you seen anyone do it, though? I've seen a wall like that. You haven't? I'll tell you what they do.

When they go past, because you lean over, and when they go past, they wiggle the front wheel a little bit to frighten you. But if you can really do it, why don't people do that in traffic jams then? Like on the Blackwall Tunnel or something. Why wouldn't you just go up the side of it? I don't believe that you can do it.

I've never seen it. You could go above the speed cameras. Yeah. Yeah, but the thing is, I wouldn't want to be going towards the wall of death when the new person was having their first go. Because he might just go straight up the wall like a cat up a curtain and land

in your arms. This is my first go. do you practice that's the thing how do you have a go yeah maybe you start on a push bike yeah i think probably the fact that there's a situation vacant tells you about how dangerous the job is well i don't know i suppose the blood just got fed up for going round and round a of death, that's like a cemetery, isn't it? Yeah. No, but it is weird. There must be some training method in which you... I suppose at first you do start on the floor

and you go just like around the skirting board. Maybe there's stabilisers. Yeah, a really big, like one on the left-hand side, a 20-foot stabiliser, and you go around like that. Perhaps it's like, you know when they train horses and the man in the middle has a long leash on him? There's a helmet with just a big coaster that comes off to the side

and the helmet has a big wheel on. A coaster? Do I mean a coaster? Like a chair is on coasters. What, you put a hot cop on? No, like you'd put a chair on, you know, the wheels on the bottom of the coasters. I was thinking more sort of toddler reins was what I was thinking of.

But if you got someone really swinging on a rope, they'd go around anywhere. They wouldn't need the motorbike. They'd go around on their knees. I'm glad the job centres are advertising careers like this. Yeah, my mum worked in a job centre in Penzance and there was a job going for a human cannonball. It was an actual job?

Yeah, honestly, with a circus. But that's not that skillful, I wouldn't have thought, is it? Because you just get in the cannon and then... Hope for the best. Well, it's the one job that you can be fired from and be quite successful. Oh! Yeah, but there's no skill to that.

As long as you keep your arms very close to your sides. Yeah. Because that's what would worry me, is I'd get in the cannon and then I'd hold my hands with the fingers pointing upwards and when I was fired out it would rip all of my fingernails out that's what would worry me it's the sort of job where the training is

you get in and the guy goes go limp I'd go in head first so I could maybe land in an armchair see my favourite Jobcentre moment was I was walking past the Jobcentre once and I saw someone pull up outside in a black cab and paint the driver.

Thank you, thank you so much, bye. And then they walked into the Jobcentre and I thought, I bet that's a relative of mine. I loved that person who did that. I was at the Social Security once signing on and a man came in to sign on and he was completely covered in coal dust. on, and a man came in to sign on, and he was completely covered in coal dust.

There was a big coal van outside. He was clearly working on the side, and he came in, signed on. It was left dirt everywhere. Was he holding a canary? Yeah. I don't think he was a miner. And then, yeah, so clearly working on the side and not challenged in any way.

Well, actually, he was slightly challenged. You know what I mean? Oh, my goodness me. So we were in Blackpool last week, of course, and you never told me about the train journey. Gareth hinted bad behaviour, but it was left at that. What, from me? Well, the train journey with Emily, it was left at that. What, from me? Well, the train journey with Emily,

it was a wonderful experience. Well, at first, it was fraught at the start because it was really busy a Friday afternoon. It was really busy, and we didn't have seats, and Emily was getting very cross about the fact we didn't have seats. And she, like,

going down the aisle, and a guy just turned around and said, first class is that way. Really? Yeah. He just assumed. Yeah. He actually said that. Emily looked confused and bewildered

and he just assumed she was looking first class. Yeah, yeah. I was delighted when he said that. And then, well, there were no seats. So then someone pointed towards the corridor. Do I look corridor to you? Well. I mean, it's not very good for the brand. He said, I will not sit in the corridor. I will not sit towards the corridor. Do I look corridor to you? Well. I mean, it's not very good for the brand.

I said, I will not sit in a corridor. I did say that. I will not sit in a corridor. You didn't say that, did you? I did. Oh, my God. I was wearing a Burberry trench coat. I can't sit in a corridor.

So then we did get to first class, and we didn't have first class tickets, but there weren't any seats anywhere else. So Emily said, I would just sit in first class and style it out but you're not into that are you that's exactly what i said and i i get so nervous about that sort of thing i just think i'm gonna get caught you're gonna get the reverse reaction someone's gonna say second class i have never styled anything out in my whole life. No. So we sat down in first class. Oh, you did it?

Yeah, we did it. I felt immediately at ease. He was so tense. He was acting like someone was going to come around and say, papers, please, any second. He was absolutely tense. Well, you were wearing a Burberry trench coat. It was like a scene from Casablanca.

With dark glasses on. A trench coat and dark glasses. You didn't have dark glasses on, did you? I had aviators yeah and um and so we're sitting there and and then i hear the voice tickets please and my heart is beating like a drum all of a sudden i'm terrified and um and emily just sort of looks at me as if say leave it to me and And so the lady came over and Emily gave her tickets and said, oh, yeah, sorry.

We sat here because there weren't any seats anywhere else and I'm just not feeling very well. And rubbed her tummy. I wanted her to think I was pregnant. I thought it might work, so I rubbed my stomach. And then she said... And the lady just looked confused and said, oh no, this section has been declassified

anyway, so anyone can sit here. And everybody went, oh! Was that good news or bad news? Well, I wanted to get up and move. I thought, I'll go out and show Marks. I didn't want to be there anymore. So yeah, so it was fraught with problems, but it was all a happy story i got to sit in first

class gareth got to experience life on the other side it was great we're all happy when i came i came up on the on my own on the train and uh you know they bring in first class which i was in my time oh thank god they uh they bring free tea and and uh refreshments and the woman said to me, would you like a millionaire cake? And I thought, oh, they've done that just for me as a bit of a tribute. But I don't think they had. It was lovely. I love a bit of train travel.

Oh, yeah. Not all. You never, on the show, by the way, you referred to the fact that you went to the kick-ass. Well, I don't like to name drop and boast, as you know. No, I know. I'm aware of that. It was just a tantalising reference to Brad Pitt. Well, maybe he was there.

Can I say, I once decided to have singing lessons, which is, I know, hard to believe, but I did. And I went to see this fabulous woman. That's the best name any singing teacher could have. She was called Tona de Brett. And someone said to me, she's a lovely woman, but she's the biggest name dropper you'll ever meet in your life. And I've met some pretty big ones.

And I thought, oh, people exaggerate. So I got to the house and I knocked on the door and she struggled to open the door of it. And finally she opened it. She said, I'm terribly sorry, but that door's never been the same since Benny Hill used it door a bit. And finally she opened it. She said, I'm terribly sorry, but that door's never been the same since Benny Hill used it for a sketch. I hadn't even got in the house.

And she'd named drops. She sounds like a woman after my own heart. So, Kick-Ass. So it's a great film. I have to plug it because it's my best friend who wrote the screenplay and it's brilliant. So she invited me to the premiere. At least she can do. She is my best friend. the screenplay and it's brilliant. So she invited me to the premiere. At least she can do.

She is my best friend. And it was one of those very she-she premieres. I don't know if you two are familiar with these ones. But it's not like some big thing where there are loads of muggles and there's hundreds of people and competition. Oh, my God! It's basically... Can you just explain what you mean by the word muggle, Emily?

No, it was a very nice kind of small... No, don't explain it. No, I no i'm just it was a very nice kind of no don't explain no i won't but it was really lovely and there was some very big showbiz names there um so come on who was there well brad was there no don't get much bigger name right the third brad pitt was there that good enough for you well he had a beard though to. To me, that doesn't count. Oh, he still looks hot, though. Brad with a beard is like a normal man without a beard. If you saw Brad Pitt... If you saw Brad Pitt and Sting

sitting on a pavement in central London, you'd absolutely assume they were homeless people. They've both gone that way. It's almost like they're taking advantage of the fact that they're so famous they can look like homeless people and get away with it.

And I resent that. I think it's patronising. OK. Carry on. Gary Barlow was there. It's not a big issue. Oh. Gary Barlow was there.

Was Ken Barlow there? No. No, I thought not. Well, at the Chortle Awards, Keith Chegwin presented an award. Get that down you. Did they? What award was that? I can't remember which one it was.

I thought he was dead. Claudia Schieffer, Mika. I'm mentioning all the people. I know, but I'm... Mika. Didn't you spend the time talking to Mika's sister? Yes, I did. I saw a guy once, a stand-up act.

He was a very new act, and he's one of these guys, he came on, and he had one, his first joke was really funny, I thought, and then everything else was terrible, and I thought I was such a waste of that joke, and of course, the great comedian's code of honour, you couldn't use anyone else's joke, but I think I can use it now in crediting this bloke.

It's not my joke, it is. But he said, he was on about the fact that Keith Cheggen had been in the paper talking about his alcoholism and he'd had to give up drinking. And he says, you know what they say, Cheggers can't be boozers. And I thought it was very, very clever indeed. Speaking of stealing material, by the way, was I not watching Comedy Rocks the other night,

hosted by Jason Manford, and Joe Pasquale was on. He did one of my gags. Did he? I've seen him do it before. I saw him do the same gag on... What's that bloke who used to be Lily Savage? Paul Savage.

Paul O'Grady. What joke was it? Well, Joe Pasquale is famous for that, isn't he? Is he? It's a pity because he's such a sweet man. Is he a thief? Are you saying he's a low-down, calm, dirty thief? Yeah, he's quite well-known, yes. Really?

Can we say it? I think we can say it because it was my joke, so yes, I can say it. What was the joke? I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even... It was something I used to do when I was a kid. I used to, me and this mate of mine, used to go on the big wheel when the fair came, and we had this big metal bolt, and we used to drop it on the floor

and then pretend it had dropped out of the workings of the big wheel to frighten people. Well, I've seen that on YouTube. What? That clip. No, I did it on a YouTube. What? That clip. No, I did it on a DVD about 15 years ago. Wow. But Joe's obviously thought it's a shame.

Shame now not to keep it going. The memory lives on. Well, it's an oral tradition, you know. It's passed from person to person. Joe's become my tribute act. I'm just disappointed because he seemed so nice when I ran into him at the Buckingham Palace Garden Party. I did honestly meet him there.

Did you really? That's another story. So, yeah, so Kick-Ass was fab. Was he doing that dance from The Office to entertain people? And then he said to Debbie McGee, why did you marry the millionaire Paul Daniels? Oh, yeah, he was fabulous. He was like a greatest hit.

I can't. It's not good. No. Pasquale. Pasquale. Pasquale. Pasquale. Anyway, so who else was it?

I've mentioned all the names, but you were too busy going on about Joe Pasquale. You missed them all. Well, the trouble is when you start with Brad Pitt, everything else is going to be an astathought. You could have built up to Brad Pitt. But the problem was as well, was that after I left the party, I was saying what a great evening I'd had.

And my eldest goddaughter who was there was saying, oh, it was great. I was talking to Tom Ford and Brad Pitt in this amazing Mahiki bar. And I said, I was stuck with David Baddiel and Mika's sister by the toilets. Well, you slipped up there. I must have been at a different party.

Did you say a Mahiki bar? Yeah. What is that? Like a sort of tiki bar. Is it like a lion bar? No. But with pineapple? No.

A tiki bar. Oh, OK. Like some Hawaiian thing. Yeah. So I did that. And then it was a bit more, it was, we went to the National Theatre the next night, didn't we, Frank? Yeah, that was.

Well, the nice thing about theatrical opening nights is that you tend not to see massive stars. You tend to see people and you go, look at that, Mickey Dolenz. It's those kind of people you see. And I'm much more excited to see those kind of people you just about remember. Yeah.

And like Frances de la Tua was there. Yes, do you remember her, Gareth? No, I don't. She was Miss Jones in Rising Dam. Oh, Miss Jones. Yeah. And Frances de la Tua was there. Yes. Do you remember her, Gareth? No, I don't. She was Miss Jones in Rising Dam. Miss Jones. Oh, my God. Yes. It was just, has anyone ever seen her and not thought, my God.

She's just so, she's always been Miss Jones. Didn't your mum know her or something? Oh, yes. A stage manager friend of my mother's once worked with her and everyone called her Franny. Oh. Yeah, he said Franny was unlucky in love. He said, Franny's been very unlucky in love, darling.

Was he talking about that black bloke that lived on Rising Dam that she was crazy about and wasn't really interested in her? That was in the show. That wasn't in real life. Well, you never know, life imitates art. Does in the show. That wasn't in real life. Well, you never know. Life imitates art. Does in our house. I'll tell you what they've never worked out at the theatre. Intervals.

Why is it that when you give an interval at the theatre, there's such a big queue for everything that you can't buy anything? Could that not be worked out? Well, sometimes they do the thing where they give you a raffle ticket and they put all the drinks out ready for you to go and get them. Yeah, you can order interval drinks. Yeah. But how do I know what I'm going to feel like

in an hour and a half? Is that what those drinks are? I just go, I always thought they were free. Oh, well, you've broken the system. I did. I always just thought they were laid on for us. Savage. What did you put the raffle

tickets for about? Did you go and collect a coat after as well? That was another thing that happened on the train. Emily kept saying I fancy a drink. Should we get a drink? And I'd go, oh, I've got a bottle of water, thanks. I'm okay.

And then she wouldn't go for a drink. Yes, well, there's a reason behind that. I've got compassion to make. And then a bit later, the same thing happened again, and it's very odd. That's because I've realised that since I've been working at InStyle magazine, I have lots of...

Well, you are deputy editor. Well, I am. So I have lots of nice assistants and interns and people helping me out so I can get my busy job done and have lovely help on the show as well. We have a tea. So I'm incapable now of making tea or doing anything for myself.

So it just means that when we're missing on the train, I just thought, if Gareth's not going to get me the water or tea, I can't get up. I can't do it. That's not good, is it? No. You have to fight that.

It is very easy to get into that habit. I'm going to stop doing it now. When you do like a TV series, you'd have to run. It's there constantly waiting to get you whatever you want. You can say, Mint Cracknell. And they'll go away and get a Mint Cracknell bar, even though they haven't been sold since 1978.

Or whatever. You can honestly say, Pork Stuffing Sandwich, and they'll go and get one. And that's a very bad habit to get into. It's very bad. I'm going to stop immediately. I don't want to be that person. Having said that, I think I ordered a cup of tea.

It hasn't turned up. Can you bloody believe it? So, Frank, tell us about sport relief. Well, I did what they call the sport relief mile. But I did six miles. And i was a bit resentful that my medal said frank skinner no he didn't say frank skinner he said i've run the sport relief mile and i thought well shouldn't i get a better medal yeah or six of them yeah good got six but um eddie is hard was there he was running with his flag.

Oh, yeah, he runs everywhere now. He does. He just turns up at any running-based thing and runs about. I don't think he can walk anymore. He has to run everywhere. He's like an overexcited animal. It's because once he'll stop, he'll never be able to move ever again. That's why he has to keep the momentum going.

Yeah, it's... Oh, he's ever-present. Anyway, we got goodie bags at the end. And I thought, well, that's good, because I've done the run. You know, I've earned a goodie bag. It's the worst goodie bag I've ever had in my life. I mean... Well, I got a goodie bag for the Chortler Awards,

so you will have a goodie bag off, because that was pretty bad. I bet I beat you. What was in your goodie bag? Well, the highlight was a um burger king soap on a rope can you beat that and like you know the stuff that's you know like a stress ball a microphone made of that material oh that's good i'd quite like that okay because when i sing around the house i hold an imaginary microphone.

So now I'll be able to take out a sponge one. Are you keeping that, or can I have it? I'll dig it out for you. Actually, my girlfriend went to the Chorley Awards, so she'll have one. She's obviously kept that from me, because she doesn't want an hour of Johnny Ray before. Well, then who can blame her? So what did you get from Sport Relief? I got a brochure about Sport Relief.

Oh, who wants that? Exactly. I'm sorry, to be disrespectful. You know when you get those variety packs of cereals and they're about five and a half inches? Oh, I like those. One of those of Dorset. Yeah, one cart of Dorset bran flakes with raspberries. Did it have a big stamp on it saying,

not to be sold separately? No, it said, aid. African aid. And apparently the Africans had said, oh, we don't like the bran flakes, but you can have that back. And I said, well, what are we going to do with that? Africans don't want it. There was some rice, a big handful of rice, in the bottom of that back. And I said, well, what are we going to do with that? Africans don't want it.

There was some rice, a big handful of rice in the bottom of the bag. No, there wasn't. Made that bit up. The centre bit, to me, if you want to know what summed up the Comet Relief Sport Relief Mile goodie bag, there was an individually wrapped prune. And I am not making that up. It was in a sealed wrapper. A high prune. Oh, in cling film? Oh.

Well, it wasn't cling film. You might get a boiled sweet in that kind of wrapper. How disappointing. Expecting a sherbet lemon and you get that. And so, you know, I'd just run six miles, as we used to say at school, for the black babies. And that was my thank you. Did they give you a silver blanket afterwards, though? No, we never got a silver blanket. Nothing. Plastic medal that said I'd run a mile when I'd run six.

An individually wrapped prude. Is that why you ran round six times? Because you wanted the silver blanket? And you thought, well, if I go round again... Even Eddie Isard didn't get a silver blanket. And he is an individually wrapped prude. He is now. He's run himself into crinkleness.

So it was an odd day in that respect. But, you know, I mean, I felt I did a good thing. Yeah, absolutely. Well, they've been honouring all the people that got involved in sport relief for lining up at Number 10 Downing Street, I noticed. I wasn't invited. Were you not? Jimmy Carr was there. They were all there, love. I was a guest on the dance programme, a judge.

I hosted a question of sport relief and I ran six miles. No invitation. I didn't get an invite to number ten. I don't think that's such a bad thing. Do you know why? Go on. Well, frankly, I think number ten, it's not as rarefied as it once was and I think they need to tighten up their door policy because there's all manner of what have yous

outside that door. Who was there? Denise Van Aerten. The ginger one from Girls Aloud. What has she done for sport relief? Well, exactly. What have you done for me lately? What was she at? Did she operate as a javelin for some sort of charity event?

I don't know. Denise Van Aerten ran with Eddie's outfit. Oh, I don't know. She must have done more than that. Don't question the wh wise or wherefores. I can't believe I've been... Just embrace the larger point, which is that Downing Street is not what it was.

It's becoming the Planet Hollywood of the 90s. They're going to have a leopard-skin carpet outside there any day soon. Oh, no, do you get one of those leather bomber jackets with the number 10 Downing Street crest on the back like you used to get from Planet Hollywood? Yeah, they'll let anyone in there now. David Cameron.

Oh, I don't think so. I went there once to a charity reception and it was me, Floella Benjamin, an atomic kitten. So I don't think this is a recent thing. Phenomenal. I ended up having a big argument with Tony Blair about whether Brian Ricks was alive or not. He didn't.

Yeah, because I'm absolutely convinced he's dead. What, the farceur? Yeah, but he's the boss of a mencap, I think, or some mencap charity. And he said, yeah, he was around the other night. I said, I don't think so. I think he's dead. He said, no, I was talking to him. I said, that must have been the son.

He said, no, no, it was Brian Ricks. I said, he's dead. I'm arguing with the prime minister. Wow. Luckily, it wasn't the other way around, because in order to win the argument, obviously, you could get someone put away quite easily. Oh, yeah.

You can imagine him thinking, oh, God, Brian Riggs is alive. Geoff, can you send a couple of lads around to Lord Riggs's house? Sort it out. So, yeah, so even then. And I had a tour of Number 10. Did you? What was it like? It's, I tell you what, there's a thing on the wall, if you look in, there's a thing that looks just like gold figurine,

elaborate gold figurine. If you look very closely, amidst all the figurine, there's a man climbing a ladder with a little bale of straw on his back. And apparently, when the interior designer did that, he put that in deliberately and he said to Mrs Thatcher, you see, Mrs Thatcher, there'll always be a Thatcher at number 10. Oh. Prat. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.