The Frank Skinner Show - Frankspeare

Episode Date: March 26, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Alun is away so Pierre Novellie joins us in the studio. This week Frank has a pie update and sounds the alarm for AE Housman’s birthday. The team also discuss power naps, elaborate crackers and deely boppers.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli is with us today. Hello. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Doctor! Okay. Pierre, welcome.

I know you've done the show quite a bit just lately, but only because I had the COVID. Yes. Me and Emily should have been at the Emirates this afternoon watching, can't say ladies anymore, give me a minute,

the Arsenal women's team? Yes. Personally, I'm okay with ladies. Arsenal women versus Tottenham dames. I don't know what the current term is. I'm so excited. I know if they miss a penalty, you can't say miss, you have to say miz.

But anyway, that was cancelled for the COVID. I thought it was over. I honestly thought it was over. I know. Before or after you had it yourself? After I'd had it, I thought that's it, done. I thought I was like the top going back on the tube, do you know what I mean?

Anyway, here's the thing. Here is a funny thing. I had me porridge this morning and I don't know how you have your porridge, but I had a bit of lemon curd. You presume too much, sir. Yeah, maybe you don't have porridge. I know you're not a carbs enthusiast. But lemon curd. And I thought to myself, there was a thing on, a text in on Radio 1 this morning, what do you think you're the first person to do in Britain this morning?

And I thought, I'm probably the first person to have lemon curd and porridge. And I wondered, I think that's like bucking the trend. And I thought, you could have a text in on a radio show was what is your breakfast trend booker what's your trend booker Steve so what do you have for breakfast that people don't normally have what do you do to your breakfast what do you think it's got like a proper text in like you'd get like if I was a real uh d. Yeah, and also you've tried to sort of invent a little catchy phrase as well.

I like that. Well, not many people would take on Trenbacher on live radio. I mean, I'm like that guy who walked in New York, the guy on the high wire, man on wire. Just out of interest, are we going to take that on?

Yes, if you buck any breakfast-arian trends. No, it's going to be fine. Honestly, trust me, it's going to be. So Pierre, I should say, was, and I don't want to diminish him in any way, but he was my support act on my last tour and on our long London run at the Gannick Theatre. So he came in this morning and said to me,

I've never seen you in a hooded top before, because normally I'm in stage mode. Yes, full suit. Yeah, full suit and all that. And Pierre likes a velvete. He's not afraid of the lint. He will wear a velvet jacket on stage. Sort of Cyril Fletcher type of...

Do you know what Cyril Fletcher is, Pierre? I don't know if he made it to South Africa. Maybe not. He probably did. I imagine he played there regularly. Can I ask a question? Because you two, you like cathedrals, don't you? That's one of the things you do together.

Well, we're both Anglo-Saxon enthusiasts. So on the tour, we went and visited many, many Anglo-Saxon sites. And we went to, we saw some Anglo-Saxon manuscripts. And it was very good. Your level of access was such that I told my old director of studies the sort of manuscripts and treasures I'd been allowed to handle, and she swore in my face. It's great.

I can't get into nightclubs, but I can get into the Book of Kells, which is a lovely little gay bar in Vauxhall. I don't know if you've been there. Oh, God. So, anyway, it's nice to be so relaxed around Pierre because usually we're waiting to go on and it's all a bit... It's true, yeah.

But it's good. Do you both wear your... Because I imagine you in your velvet, Frank in his suited and booted, I imagine you're like the sort of central characters of The Importance of Being Earnest, wandering around the cathedral. Well, I tend to wear the suit all the time,

but Pierre's one of these suit bag guys who arrives cash. Yeah. And then there's a transformation. Suddenly. But I'm never off is the secret of it so I think I'm always away on the stage again. Okay. There you go, that's that summed up.

Don't forget your breakfast trend, buckers. Oh, God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Much to my slight horror, we're getting quite a lot of trend buckers here. Well said. Yeah, what have we got? Carefully said. Morning.

This is from 780. Pierre's got some as well, but I'll kick off with 780. Morning. My trend bucker is peanut butter on toast soldiers, wait for it, dipped into a soft boiled egg. And then 780 has gone to the trouble of a sort of egg emoji.

Delicious smiley face emoji. That's actually Jeanette from Orpington. Okay. What say you? I can feel my waters rising. In my mouth, I mean. Yes. Yeah, I think that sounds quite nice.

I'd put peanut butter on almost anything. I suppose if it's with a saltier kind, you know, it keeps it savoury with the egg. Otherwise, I'd be a bit... I wonder if she's going smooth or crunchy. Yes, yeah. Oh, we weren't allowed smooth when I was younger. No?

No. How so? My mother just thought it wasn't very us. Oh, it was just a bit lower... It was a bit... She thought it was a bit lower, yeah. A bit like buying grated cheese in a packet. Yes, I think so.

Wow. I thought you should put the work in. Yeah, you buying grated cheese in a packet. Yes, I think so. Wow. I thought you should put the work in. Yeah, you should have to smooth your own. She used to rolling pin the peanut butter for those who wanted smooth.

My mum used to give my mates when they come round a cup of tea and then say do you take sugar? And if they said no she'd say don't stir it.

Oh man. It's not just Jeanette we've heard of. That sounds all right, though, that one. I thought they were going to be grotesque. Well, this one from 8350. I love a jam omelette for breakfast. Oh, no. My granddad made me one once on holiday in France,

and we just had lots of eggs and jam to use up. He didn't know what he was doing. It's a bad sign when granddad starts to make jam omelettes. Exactly. But they say, but I really liked it. Full stop. It disgusts other people. I wonder.

Because, you know, people always say cranberry juice on, you know, salty stuff. Not cranberry juice, cranberry sauce. I was going to say something else. Yeah, that's it. Cranberry juice is good. No, I've been all right just lately. Well, you said your waters were rising. Yeah, exactly.

579, guys. This morning, after... This is another trend, Bucker. After being upsold several items... I love the concept of upselling. By the owner of our new local Turkish veg store yesterday. Oh, yeah. My husband and I had lavash bread

with mascarpone cream, honey and strawberries. It was pretty good. Wow. Even if it did set me back more than going out for breakfast. That's, um, I used to do that. When Indian restaurants started opening in Birmingham, we used to go and buy food that we didn't recognise and have

a guess at how you cooked it. Sometimes it worked out great and sometimes it, but we didn't like to ask. It's like in a

bookshop, I'll find it myself. Do you think it is lavash bread or do you think it was lavish bread? They've incorrectly transcribed a

heavily accented man's upselling. That's what it is. I don't even know what upselling is. I know because George Lamb introduced the concept to me. Are you familiar with his work? I am. I like him with a nice mint.

He's fabulous, Lamb. George Lamb, I was at a restaurant once, and George Lamb said to the manservants, yeah, you're trying to upsell me that and I'm not interested. And it's going in hard. Oh, I see. When they ask you if you'd like, oh, you can have that on the side, an extra thing, a little topper.

Yeah, it's the old one pound chocolate bar at WH Smith. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I feel I should give you an update, by the way. You might not be aware of this, Pierre, but I was sent some pies. Ah, yes.

By a pie, Maddo Rourke's Pie Factory in Tipton in the West Midlands sent me nine pies. Is this a maths problem? No. It might become one, though.

Then the next week I got the same amount of pies addressed to Lenny Henry. Right. And I said, I hope they last me. This was my joke. I'm going to up front it as a joke. I hope they last me. This was my joke. I'm going to up front it as a joke. I hope they last me until Adrian Charles' pies arrive. Anyway, Adrian Charles' pies arrived on Wednesday.

Now, I don't know whether I am just a pie portal. The West Midlands pie portal. Yeah. Some sort of, they think I'm a pie portal. The West Midlands pie portal. Yeah. Some sort of, they think I'm a pie mule. They are. But, or did they hear it on,

Yeah. I'm into that now. Am I being accused of pie laundering? Oh. But, did they hear Adrian Charles and think we will embrace this and send him some address to Adrian Charles?

Yes, because they're quite jaunty, the marketing department. They're jaunty, that is true. The other thing, of course, is Adrian is vegan. So here's a maths thing. He could only utilise eight-ninths of the pies which arrive. That's a higher proportion than I would have guessed. You would have thought, no, there is a vegan one. There's a Jack the Lad, which is mushroom-led.

Oh. Oh, wow. Which sort of West Midlands figure is next? Cat Dealey, I think, is the only one left. Ozzy Osbourne's pies. Yeah. He's more Birmingham, though. That's true.

I think, where's Kat Deely from? I think she might be West Bromwich, like me. Kat Deely, she does the dancing thing now in America. What's it called over there? Strictly Come Dancing. Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, one of the Dancing with the Stars. Yeah.

Do they call, has she ever done the joke when hosting it, of calling the dancers on there deely boppers? I think the Americans would fire her immediately. Do they have deely boppers?

Isn't it an American term? I don't know if it's fallen out of use over there and it's become a sort of... Fallen out of use? What, you're a victim of political correctness? I don't know. The dealie bopper. They've cancelled them.

In case you don't know, they're the sort of jocular and tannoy which... I had his hair. Yeah. I think they're still out there. We all had it. The producer's nodding. I imagine the producer wears them most weekends.

I think she still wears them. And I love her for that. Can I just share this? John Hopkins, both of you. Hopkins. Being a man of simple tastes, I have only bucked the breakfast trend once. At a breakfast meeting in Belgium,

the hosts brought in a tray of what the Flemish call cannabale, which was raw minced beef on a cracker. I blame the Trappist monks personally. Cannabale, I thought you were going to say which is human flesh. That old human flesh prank they pull on visitors, the Belgians. He blames the Trappist monks. There you go. I apologise to you two. We have a bit of a sudden left turn in terms of trendbuckers in breakfast.

Barry Chambers on Twitter says, I have spaghetti bolognese for breakfast at least twice when holidaying abroad in Spain. That is... I noticed when I was in Japan that the breakfast was just like sushi and all that. There was no sense of, you know, I'll get you a wee to mix out.

Yeah. Get you a wee to mix out. Well, I've heard some things shouted at me. You know, one of the... Dealey Boppers, by the way. It's like thingamajig, isn't it? The word deely bopper means... I don't know about you, I say doodah if I can't think of something.

Oh, I see, yes. Doodah. Deely bopper is like... Where's me deely boppers meaning the thing I can't remember the name of? Oh, OK. I say flippity flop. Do you? Yeah.

Thingamajig. What's your... What's your... What's your Dealey Bopper equivalent? Hey, 1215. We've got a lot of examples of the Dealey Bopper. Oh. The Thingamajig.

Oh, yeah. The flippity-flop. My thing with flippity- my thing with flippity flop and thingamajig oh here we go is there's a lot too many syllables i do dar that i use it's nice being a dum-dum and you're out of there don't be hanging around for flippity jibbit it works very well for me thank you. I don't have the time. Okay. We've got, well, we've got 707. My Dilly Bopper equivalent is Ojemawatsit. Again, long. That's from Jay in Wensbury. I quite like it, though.

It's a good old concept. Ojemawatsit. Yeah. A respected Irish clan. Impossible to find. Could be a variation on the popular snack food. Yeah? As well.

What do you think of 096? No, that's a rubbish one. Where's my 096? Frank thinks everything's rubbish other than his one. No, I... Frank, what about this? Doobly-doo. Yeah, that's all right. Oh right oh okay because it's got an

element of about it which i like um it's because i need them more and more as i get a hold of you can imagine i'll give you an i'll give you a par example this is the thing i noticed about me the other day when I approach my motor car to get in it to drive I have a little look I have a little look Motor car

Yeah A toad of toads But honestly I swear to you this is true I'm not saying it for comedy I didn't even realise I did it

and I caught myself doing it the other day I have a little look to check which side the steering wheel is on so I don't go in the wrong door and make a fool of myself locally. Like a transatlantic celebrity. Yeah, honestly.

I got, even my nine-year-old said to me, I think this is what made me think about it, last week or something, he said, oh, am I driving? Because I went to get in the wrong side I have to visibly check it to make sure I'm in the right side now that's not good is it?

well I'm not a qualified medical professional aren't you? I'd send for you get a qualified Harry Hill's on next week he's a qualified Harry Hill's on next week he's a he's a qualified I once went to him

I had something on my toe once at Edinburgh and I went to see Harry Hill in his flat said have a look at this for you and he had the bag

you know the bag the old doctor's bag he had that with him I like the qualified and then Bob Mortimer lawyer yes Alistair yes and I think there's another Odara Odara O'Brien is Really? I like the qualified... And then Bob Mortimer, lawyer? Yes, solicitor, yes. And I think there's another...

Oh, Dara. Dara O'Brien is a physicist. Ben Miller. Oh, what's he? Physicist as well. Oh, lovely. What have you two got? I was a hitman in the Wolverhampton area.

By the way, I've had a lovely card celebrating. Today is the birthday of the poet A.E. Houseman. We have a thing on the show that every time he's mentioned, the siren goes off. And it's from Matt. That's all I know. But it's a lovely sign-off. Love and sunshine, says Matt.

Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Wishing you all a very happy A.E. Houseman birthday. Oh. And then a little quote from the man himself. When the journey's over, there'll be time enough to sleep. Oh. Yeah, we've all used that one in hotel rooms oh wouldn't it be nice if we were alderman then we'd have some real input into local council decision making. Okay. I thought of a joke the other day for William Shakespeare.

Too late now, I know. A joke for him to use. A joke for him to use. Which I think he would have appreciated because he loved a pun. Yeah. A quibble, as Samuel Johnson. He said a quibble, that sort of mad wordplay that he did, was the Cleopatra for which he lost his world and was content to lose it.

Anyway, this is my joke for Shakespeare, and I honestly believe he would have used this. You know the wife, Anne Hathaway, was in Stratford and he was in London. Yes, I don't hear a rock and roll photo as the wife. Yeah, so he must... You know when people, especially then, he was a bit pre-woke, a little bit.

A little bit. Shakespeare. So you can imagine, I reckon, when he referred to her, instead of calling her Anne Hathaway, he could have called her Anne Athamer, because she was an anathema to him. What do you think?

Was she an anathema to him? Yeah, I've decided they didn't get on well. He lived in London, she lived in Stratford. Does that sound good to you? That's true, yeah. I mean, people make a big fuss about separate bedrooms or about separate postcodes, pre-postcodes. Nice attempt at diversion But answer the question

Minister Anathema What do you think? Anathema I agree that Shakespeare Would have used it There you go But I don't know

If that's an endorsement Necessarily Given some of the humour In Shakespeare's plays Oh god Novelli on Shakespeare Can't believe it Do you

Can I ask you a question Frank? Do you think You would have been quite good friends with Shakespeare? Oh, man, yeah. We got the same shaved head for a start-off. We'd look like two light bulbs in a showbiz mirror, side by side. I think you would have gotten quite well. Oh, man, he could have. He would have been my best celebrity mate ever. I think you would have gotten quite well. Oh, man, he could have. He would have been my best celebrity mate ever.

I think you would have fallen out, though. What, out of my goblet and hose? That's possible. I'm going to tell you, I just told you, I never repeat things I've just said, but I just told Pierre and Emily this. Oh, no. I went to the dentist this week to get me Stitcher out, and he said to me, oh, we had,

Buzz was in with the orthodontist. Buzz is my nine-year-old son. And he said, because he's got a brace and all that. And he said, and when she asked him to open his mouth, he opened it and it was completely packed with cotton wool. And he'd brought the cotton wool from home for that joke. For that joke. So she went, huh.

And then he said, but the great thing was, he took it out and just put it in his pocket and job done. Where do you think he might have picked that up from? I don't know. It beats me. It's an admirable lack of, I feared the dentist as a kid. So the idea of having the guts to prank... Yeah, to prank the dentist is great.

To prank the dentist. I mean, what's going to be in there next time? Dead rat. Yeah, but at least Buzz is pranks. Buzz does high-quality pranks. Do you know about Frank's April Fool pranks, Pierre? Has he told you about them? Frank's beer?

He said... Frank's beer? He... Frank'sar? He... Frankspear? Frankspear. No, Frankspear. It's what me... When my mates were William Shakespeare, they'd call us Frankspear,

like Brangelina. Celebrity couple. Frankspear. Splitsville. Splitsville. Me and him out together on the town, going on about the other man. Oi!

Me and him out together on the town going on about the Earth. Oh, man. We'd have to go to Verona on our holidays. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli is with us this morning. You can all the way from the Isle of Man. Yes.

Has anyone here seen Kelly? K-E-L-L-Y. Do you know it? I do know it. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. And remember, your favourite songs are where they spell the word spoken. So they say, is anyone here seeing Kelly? K-E-L-L-Y. Yeah.

I got it. And there's I'm H-A-P-P-Y. Don't mention happy in front of that. And there's M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E. Of course. And D-I-V-O-R-C-A became final today. Okay, there you go. Glenn Maker.

Talk about Glenn Maker. Talk about Glenn Maker. Talk about Glenn Maker. Yes. Glenn Maker has been in touch with us. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Sorry. Sorry, Pierre. Whatever happened to...

That's something of a regular on this show, Pierre. Whatever happened to... Do you want the jingle? Is it good enough for a jingle? I'd say. Come on. We'll get there. I've been let down by now.

Frank's Eurovision entry, Life is like a light in the darkness. Oh, yeah. What did happen to that? I've been pipped again this year by... Who is it this year? Well, they get celebrities now. Something like Raymond Honda, his name is.

Raymond Honda? You've so made that up. What is his name? He's called Sam. Sam Honda. Well, yeah, last year it was the man with the questionable coat. The man with... It was Joseph from the Old Testament.

Let me guess, his brothers threw him into a hole. No, he just wore a coat that I personally wouldn't have gone for. But that was my only issue with him. He did a lovely little job. How many points did he get? Zero? Zero across the board, I think.

I think it was nil. No. What are we going to do? Raymond Honda, we've got high hopes for. Is this something like that? No one knows what... It generally isn't Raymond Honda. That would be a great name for a column.

It's the use of Raymond. He's used the full name. Raymond Honda. Yeah. But you'll see when it comes out, you'll see the similarity to that name. But it sounds like Raymond Honda. Yeah, you'll see. You know, it's that kind of a name. You'll see. You'll see the similarity to that name. But it sounds like Raymond Honda. Yeah, you'll see. You know, it's that kind of a name.

You'll see. You'll see. Is there any more Alfresco Mond? Life is like a light in the darkness. I'll play it to you once, Pierre. Yes, please. It was absolutely... I don't know if you know, have we still got it back?

Could we treat our readers, if we could find it at some point. Someone would ask the producer. She had a copy. It was Frank at his absolute best. I sang it impromptu and then somebody did a thing with it. They took it from the podcast and then made it into a proper song.

You mixed it? And it did have a... I mean, obviously, if I did it again, I might want to clean it up a bit. But it did have a Euro I mean, obviously, if I did it again, I might want to clean it up a bit, but it did have a Eurovision feel to it. Oh, yes, yeah. I mean, it was an up there with... Which is Eurovision gold,

but even so, of the non-Bakerphile-dressed performers, I think it was one of the best. Let's find out what Nivelli's been up to. Yes, Pierre, in case you're not familiar with his work, there's still a few out there. As I said, it was my support act,

but also a fine and exciting career of his own. But he used to be on and then I'd be on. He was my ramp, my comedy ramp. And then you'd go around the cathedrals together in your suits. I suppose you could have described me as an end-of-the-Pierre comedian. Very good. How did that not come up during the long months

of winter touring? I know, I know. Do you know, yeah, he saved that for his Frank Spear days. That would be right in a manuscript. Anyway.

What are the novelly updates? I recently, it's a struggle that everyone will go through At some point in their life I had to try and figure out what my dad would like For his birthday Which is always a tough Dads are the hardest to buy for

I would say Where is your dad? Isle of Man? Also hard because a few places Just don't deliver there No, I can imagine. I can imagine that. Do you not get deliveries? I think you'll find Maddox and sort it out.

It'll come to me. Yeah. And then I'll forward it. Yes. Well, you're the time mule. What kind of a man is he? I'm guessing he's a sort of man's man, as they used to call him. Would that be fair?

I think maybe in the UK he could be a man's man, but I think by South African standards he's a sort of academic, reasonable chap. He's sort of A.J.P. Taylor. Yeah, but to be a man's man in South Africa is a ridiculous level of... Yeah, you've really got to be. You've got to have a rhino whip.

Yeah. I don't think there's enough testosterone in the world possible for that. So what was the, where did it go with the gift? Well, he's a man who likes an elaborate cracker. Okay. The ones that sort of have treats embedded within. Right.

Don't all crackers have treats embedded within? Perhaps spiritually. Yeah. I'm thinking definition of cracker. Oh, I'm thinking Christmas cracker Oh there you are No they do all have treats What cracker are you thinking of?

Cheese and crackers For a birthday Lovely lovely present Nice pack of crackers Smashed to bits on its travel to the Isle of Man Smashed to bits on the ferry Broken in two by two You can always

crumble it over chili, American diner style. Oh, no, elaborate sort of cheese and cracker arrangements are a hit, I think. And so that was maybe... Really?

I mean, we're talking upscale stuff. Yeah. I don't care how upscale. Crackers for a birthday. Cheese and biscuits more favourite oh my god

oh no he didn't dad dad no biltong where's the biltong to be fair some of these arrangements a bit of

there was some biltong Iberian meats it's not exotic if you're from there so you've got to go for the old dried italian yeah i can see that so it was a big like a hamper of um we got a hamper yeah i went hamper ways oh you went you went in personal hamper i constructed it actually if you're yeah if you're basing it on his personal tastes. Which is what, crackers? Elaborate biscuits, cheese, fortified wines.

Smooth peanut butter. Would you have any sweet meats in there? Maybe in the elaborate biscuits category. You've got some... Malted milk. Malted milks, yeah, yeah. How do you feel about getting that from Bud's? Do you like that?

I think so, yeah. I quite like a food thing. OK. I got... The postman came yesterday and said to me, I've got a parcel for Frank Skinner. I thought, yes, that is me. You're looking at me. And I opened it and it was

Royal Television Society Award for Best Documentary. Postman! Oh, Frank, what was that for? I told you about it the other week. It was for Boswell. But I didn't think it would come in, the Postman would bring it. Did you give him a short speech?

I thought it might be like Ava Ertzigalva presented it. Not some bloke in a red coat at my doorstep. Or the old award-giving as gone day. He didn't do a speech or anything. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So... Can I talk to you boys about something, please? Thank you. on Absolute Radio. So. Can I talk to you boys about something, please? Thank you.

Did we find out if Raymond Honda is the correct name of this year's Eurovision? Talking of Eurovision, actually, Frank, are we going to give the people what they want? Because it was cited earlier that you had essentially written your own Eurovision entry. You know what?

I was acting the giddy goat on the radio pretending I was doing a Eurovision. But somebody did do a nice job. I have it here. I'll fade it when it gets boring. Okay? I'll have to judge that.

I'm really not confident it's going to work. OK. But let's hope for the best. I can see Frank as a sort of German pruner. Pruner. Pruner. And life is like a light The shining dawn

In the darkness You get the picture. That is like... That is a track from one of those guys who you read about as like, oh, of course, you know, he was there in the studio in Berlin with Bowie. Yeah. He never quite achieved the same thing internationally, but domestically. He's cabaret act.

Yeah. No, he did a bit of braille. Yeah. And there's a photo of them looking a bit worse for wear on top of the Berlin Wall. Yeah. Hair greased back and a hint of eye shadow. Hair grease back? Is that his name? That's his name, hair grease back.

What I like about hair... It's like Baron... Who's that in Danger Mouse? It's like Baron Ridgeback or something. What I like about hair grease back is that... Hair grease back? Good day, hair grease back! I feel with Hegry's back, with Life is

Like a Light, there's a slight note of rising panic in his voice that he feels his career is somewhat at an end.

There's a lot of the faded vaudeville in the tone there, yeah. He sounds a bit desperate. I think it's

more Weimar cabaret. Yes, yeah. I'm guessing he's got fishnet stockings on, like the MC in Cabaret, that kind of thing. Yes, yeah. Anyway, news just in.

Raymond Honda, the Eurovision, he's actually Sam Ryder. Oh, OK. But you can see how I got there. When you say news just in, did Buzz text you that? No, it's actually been handed to me by the producer, written in blue biro on a scrap of paper. I think Sam Raymond.

Sam Ryder. You do Ryder, Honda. That's true. Yeah, but you know what? My money's on hair grease back this year. Oh, well, I reckon this is his last chance. And he's absolutely pushed the boat out. He's got all those vitamins, though, from Donald Trump's doctor.

He's got Kraftwerk doing the producing for him. I think it's really going to be good. Life! Life! I think it's really going to be good. Lies! Can I chat to you boys about something? Thank you. It's the findings... Oh, I was going to respond. Go on.

The findings of a survey. And I don't know about you, Pia, but I love the findings of a survey. Oh, God, yeah, it's great. Do you? Yeah, I prefer the findings of every part of the survey. I'd say the findings are my favourite. Yeah.

I'm never asked to take part in a survey. I had to do a questionnaire about my son's score. Oh, did you? This week. And it was one of those that said, agree, agree strongly, disagree, disagree strongly. So you have to actually sort of go deep into yourself and see how you feel about it. I found that problematic.

I'm a big fan of N.A. in those things. Aren't we all, dear? This survey was commissioned by, I don't know if we're allowed to mention them Frank, Global Media Empire. Yeah, that's okay, that covers it. And it was an investigation

into people's habits whilst WFH. Working from home. You're so young. Yes. Well, we all, us three I think all do a fair bit of working from home you're so young well we all us three I think all do a fair bit of working from home I didn't know I read this

thing I didn't know about the was it 3-2 so three days in the office two days watching Lorraine and drinking it's what we used to call flexi time. Flexi time.

I don't know if that term is... I think it disappeared with flexi disc. Do you remember those? I think it disappeared with luncheon vouchers. Flexi disc was a thinner vinyl, which was much more... You got a much more wobbly album. And everyone said, oh, it's great because it's very wobbly album.

And everyone said, oh, it's great because it's very wobbly. There's no other pluses to it at all. It didn't really catch on. I had an entire Elvis box set of flexi discs and a little envelope which contained a piece of his clothing. Did you?

Anyway, sort of a mustard crimpoline thing i can't can't imagine that'll go up like tinder if you put that yeah exactly i'm like yeah i don't i don't put it anywhere um where it's near an electric fire no it's uh well what this survey discovered was that the average home worker takes at least three power naps a week. Three. Discuss. What is a power nap as opposed to a nap? I think a power nap is done with a certain attitude. I think when I think power nap, I'm thinking

Churchill slash Margaret Thatcher. These are the classic, the power nap, they're in the power napping chair. And it's the idea that very smart people, they just need

that little reboot, you know, switch it, switch the computer off and back on again. Yes, yes. But I think the idea is that you are,

you have so much control, you're such a person who runs your life. You've got your hands on the steering wheel of life. Remember, I speak as a man who can't remember which side of the car my real steering wheel is. That you can say, I'm going to sleep now, and then you just go to sleep like that. And I think they do about, I mean mean it's as little sometimes 20 minutes but such is their determination to sleep well that it's so profound they come out of it utterly refreshed that is how it works i think it's chilling it is there's something well the fact that it's

margaret thatcher and churchill you know you're talking about well i like the dali was it dali who had the approach to napping i believe he called it slumber with a key. Are you familiar with slumber with a key? Oh, yes. Do you want to hear about slumber with a key? It doesn't involve Tim Key, by the way. It's not a tell-all. That's good, OK.

Let's kiss and tell about Tim Key. As if... Slumber! Yeah, as if the news of the world, if it still existed, would use a pawn on a Salvador Dali sleeping technique for their head life. They know their crowd. Slumber with a key. Also, I don't remember too many kiss and tells going,

my slumber with. I like it, though. I'm going to, the producer's giving me. Oh, then I'll tell you what it is. Do you want to know about slumbering with a key? Yes. Okay. Oh, yeah.

I love it. And I love any slumber-based cliffhanger. I think he's good. I just like saying slumber, I've realised now. One of the things that shocked me about the Working at Home survey is how many people work in their pyjamas. Oh, yeah. That, to me, sounds like a depressing...

Also, I only wear a pyjama jacket. I don't know how the cleaner would feel when she came in and I was sitting on the sofa, tapping away. Yeah, Frank... Oh, I tell you what, we left the nation on sofa, tapping away. Yeah, Frank... Oh, I tell you what, we left the nation on a cliffhanger. Oh, sorry, yeah. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, we did, yeah, that was bad.

Do you remember what it was? The slumber cliffhanger. I think I need to clean this up. Bear in mind the cleaner. I would be sort of wearing a laptop, so... A modesty laptop. So it would be all right. I just want to clear that up.

I don't want anyone to think I would confront the cleaner with anything. With the top cap pyjama shirt, which is what he favours. Exactly. Anyway, so what was it? It was to do with slumbering. It was slumber with a key. Slumber. Can I say I worked with the British boxing legend Chris Eubank recently.

Of course you did. And someone used the word utensil and he stopped the show and said, I was really pleased to hear someone use the word utensil, which is such a beautiful word. Okay. Stopped the whole show for that. Yeah. Do you know, I slightly love him.

I love him for that. That was great. What a brilliant thing to do. Utensil. Samba with a key. Yeah. I think you're familiar with it, Pierre, are you? I am, yes.

What do you see it as? Well, certainly what I've been told is that it comes from the Spanish king. I can't remember which one, but he would sit on his throne. Carlos, would it be Carlos? Or Alfonso. Okay. Alfonso or Carlos, one of the two. Yeah.

And he would sit on his throne, and for his siesta, it would last just long enough. He would hold in his right hand a large sort of brass key, and the siesta would last however long it took for him to fall asleep enough that the key would slip from his grasp and clatter to the floor, thus waking him up. Yes, and I believe I mean, Darley possibly stole it from the king, who knows?

But Darley would talk about this. They're all Spaniards together. Maybe it became a Spanish thing after that. Oh, I'm harder. But he claimed that was the moment of genius, creative genius, just FYI, so that he would fall asleep and he didn't ever want to fall fully into stage two sleep.

Yeah. So you hold the key, the minute it clatters, that's when you're falling into stage two. That's when you wake up. That's when you will create your best possible work. So he'd wake up and see that he'd left his clock near the fire. Yeah, exactly. And go, ha ha.

Yeah, and he hadn't put that ant powder down. There's a lobster on the telephone. Where did I put that? This is chaos, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. I need to sort my life out.

Stop having all these naps. I can't get outside. My moustache is too wide for the doorframe. What's going on with me? I need to start again. Do you think David Baddiel went round to Salvador Dali's house and said, is it always going to be like this? That's what he said at my house. Really?

Because he's untidy. Oh, yes, that's right. I just tell people it's a squat and they don't question any further This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio

email the show via frank at absolut-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. 579. The Danger Mouse character we were trying to think of is Baron Greenback. Greenback, of course, because he was a frog, wasn't he? Frog's green and toad's brown. Pierre. I'm going to agree with that

Of the people I know Who would know that fact You're the most likely I mean of the people in this studio Definitely Well I think in the world If David Attenborough was in here I would have gone to Pierre first

For the answer If David Attenborough was in here You well know he'd have started a fight Between some sort of spider And some mite Yeah Filmed it. Refused to intervene.

Sold tickets. Honestly, I saw one recently. I mean... What was it? It was a whale and her... Not a seal. And her... Calf.

Baby. A calf, yeah. Single mother, in other words. And she was on a trek, and she started being followed by these three killer whales and they were after the child. And anyway, she's in a panic. She's, you know, come on, hurry up.

And they got the child and they didn't even eat it. They ate a tiny bit of it and just left it. And the poor mother then you saw going off on her own. It was absolutely heartbreaking. What did he say? I thought a few things about it. I thought, A, if I saw a woman and a child and three louts...

Louts? You'd like to think you'd step in. Especially if they were going to eat the child. And you'd think Attenborough, if anybody, would accept that the animals have got, you know, that species,

they've got some rights, they've got feelings. Cannibalis. Not only did he not step in, but what he did was film it for profit. And he laughed

and laughed and laughed. He didn't laugh. What sort of thing does he say, Frank? He says, you know, he says,

I think he said, that's another one in the can. I think, another award booked, I think he said. And his awards, he gets presented, they don't come in the post, his awards, he gets a proper celebrity given them first. I mean, people always say as well, worse aware of the world.

I mean, tooth extraction, aware of the world, I don't want to watch it in HD. No, it's rubbish. If it was a human being, you wouldn't just film that happening to people. He'd be arrested. It'd just be wrong. Why, rightly so. He's got people.

I'm not spitting at a 90-odd-year-old bloke to dive into the water. Knife him between his teeth. But he's with a team of, you know, they're all very scoobered. Very scoobered up. I'd like it if, as the first bite sinks into the calf, he just says, Ka-ching!

It was really, really upsetting, I thought. Horrible. I can't watch those things. On the subject of both aquatic matters and doodars, we've got a 9685 saying, a few words from the Royal Navy, which is an intimidating opening.

Yeah, it is. What have I done? No one turns on that when you're just saying that. Yes. Uh-oh. Now, go on. A few words from the Royal Navy. Scrinson Doobury or Dushank Flip-Flop.

Oh, they've gone... Typical of the Royal Navy, they've gone hyphenated. They sound like two characters from a tale of two cities. Yeah, exactly. Scrinson Doobury and his rag and bone shop. Yes. Can we...? No, they're standard naval

bants wow according to Dan and Paddock Wood well I'll take their word for it yeah what about these

I wonder what their horn pipes are like sparkling I'll get back to you on that do you what do you think of these naps boys

oh the power naps I'm incapable I don't have the self restraint no it makes sense of wearing pyjamas for work if you're just naps, boys? Oh, the power naps. I'm incapable. I don't have the self-restraint. Yeah. It makes sense of wearing pyjamas for work if you're just going to get to sleep when you feel like it.

Extremely practical. Yes, there's a real sort of Charlie Bucket's grandparents sort of vibe to this. I think I'd wear a little shorty silk kimono. We've had a bit of a dispute I sometimes like to tell people what's been going on off air We've had a bit of a robe dispute Robespierre

Robespierre That's very very fine Thank you I need to find something around her neck. She wore a yellow ribbon. Celebrating the robes, Pierre. Yeah, we were talking about, it's a thing we've talked

about a lot on here, my thing that I don't know when you're supposed to wear a robe. And Pierre, I'm glad to say, has joined me on this. But Emily has a bath with candles, a candlelit bath. And then slips into a... Is it silk? Well, when I just said to Frank...

Is it rayon? No. For law. He's not allowed on the road. OK. When I told Frank that I like to get my robe all fluffy and warm pre my bath, and my bath, I just said, I'll lay out a few candles, I'll have a TV show,

and I'll have some bubble bath. And Frank said, oh, sounds like a sting video. Well, it's got that feel to it. How do you get it fluffy and warm? Mrs. Mrs. Oh, you don't have to answer that. But how do you fluff a robe?

Well, I mean... I'd like to sing that to the tune of How Do You Fluff a Robe by Maria. That would be Greaseback's next attempt at it. Yes. How do you fluff and warm a robe on bath night? How do you do it? Well, you can give it a quick 20 seconds in the tumble dryer,

although I don't recommend that because it's a terrible waste of energy of. Yeah. It's all right. You're amongst friends. Okay. Well, that's what I do then. Okay, fair enough. There you go. Yeah. It's alright you're amongst friends. Okay. Well that's what I do then. Okay. Fair enough. There you go. Okay. But it's just

I find the robe such a fabulous ramp garment and I know there are readers who agree with me. I think you two are the outliers. I think it's the transitional nature of it that I think we're struggling with because we would emerge

you know from the shower or bath, dry ourselves off, and then it's time to get dressed. And then put clothes on. Yes, it's sort of interstitial. You know clothes. Yeah. No, excuse me. It's a bit like having a special sock for in between putting on your other socks and your shoes.

All right, all right. Never mind the special socks stuff. I don't... What I find extraordinary is that you think you're dry after one towel. I don't know. That you've probably had for ten years. I don't think I'm dry. I get a bit of clinging as I put my jeans on or whatever they are.

Oh, that sounds nice. You know, because I'm a bit wet. But I know the clouds will deal with that themselves. It needs to be dry. What I choose to do is... We'll all be dry a long time. Let's enjoy being moist while we can. I prefer not to have wet clothes.

Do you? Yeah. Are you implying that we sort of go straight from a bath into desperately tugging on denim? Emily thinks we're getting dressed in the shower. A bit like that tattoo video when they're in their

wet school. Oh, the thing she said. Oh, the thing she said. Leaving the house absolutely suffering. I have a draw. I hate the towel. You know,

it's made of the same stuff as a lot of robes. I don't fluff it. I don't... I would not... Honestly, if I didn't have a robe, I don't think... I don't know what I'd do. I don't fluff it. I don't... I would not... Honestly, if I didn't have a robe, I don't think...

I don't know what I'd do. I'm starting to think you have wetter water in your house than I do. Yeah. I wear it anyway. If I had a robe, I'd hammer in the morning.

That's another problem with it. Accessibility. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I like 096, my kind of person because they've said having a power nap equals just couldn't stay awake yeah, I think that might be right but who's going to tell Margaret such of that

imagine Sir Geoffrey Howe saying I'll tell you what I think Margaret not before her nap also people that tend to be sort of famous nappers, also, I'm just saying, they're often, usually they're quite well known as being fond of whisky as well. Oh, aren't they? In my experience.

Margaret Thatcher wasn't whisky. Oh, she loved whisky. Did she? Yeah, it was her tipple. Oh, I didn't know that. That's my specialist subject. Oh, that's my Margaret Thatcher bubble. She loved a whisipple. Oh, I didn't know that. That's my specialist subject. Oh, that's my mark. Such a bubble. She loved a

whiskey. I think she picked it up off Dennis because he liked it. And Churchill, of course. Yes. Got through a lot of the stuff. Yeah, he did. He did like it. Do you know what I like about pyjamas? Breast pocket. I like a breast pocket. Yeah. Very handy if you're working at home for pens,

robbers and stuff like that. Yes, true. That's that easy. Do you genuinely not wear a... Would you sleep in a pyjama bottom? No. In the summer, I would just wear the... I don't think we should dwell on this.

But the pockets, the one thing... One of the things I don't like about summer is pockets. Oh. Oh, yes. Because when you've got a jacket and everything on, you've got, you know, I carry lots of bits. And when you're going out and you're just in short, I have to wear those shorts that have, like,

nine pockets to cover my storage. Like a roadie. Yeah. Touch for the very first time. I, and a lot of them haven't been. I went bomb bag one of them haven't been. I, I went bomb bag one summer.

Yeah. And that was great. I mean, I do envy you ladies with your handbags because it was, I had loads, I was heavily laden.

Yes. My bomb bag runneth over. Tell me about it. But there's nothing I can do about it. But I don't know, the next year, I just, the next summer, I remember thinking, should I get the bomb bag out again? And I just, you can't have the same party twice.

You know, I've always felt that. So I've never worn it since. You've never returned. That was the secret for me. They're quite on trend again now. Are they? Yeah. People are always telling me stuff about that that I used to like.

I think I'm ahead of the curve. No. Oh, no, I didn't think so. They also, in this survey, it was the three power naps a week. But they also said the average person starts their working from home day at 8.20am. I don't believe that for a minute. No. No.

Okay. What do they mean by start, though, as well? Yes. You know, you get in and put the microwave on, read the paper. Yeah. Prayers, obviously. Yes. They left that out of the survey. No, I mean, does anyone, anyone who works from home,

don't you automatically, the next thing you think is they don't do as much as if they'd be in the office. Of course they don't. Because they're lazing around, they've got their jammers on. Yeah. That's my presumption, but I know a few people who spend a great deal of their time when they're in the office pretending, sort of miming.

Yeah, true, there is that. I suppose it takes the miming out of it. But it says they watch four television programmes a week, which you wouldn't do at work. No, you'd have to just imagine them. Speak for yourself, I've watched three series of Doctor Who whilst this show's been on. I don't think that's correct, is it?

If you'd have picked another programme, I might have believed you. No, I watch all my TV now in installments. Do you? Would you ever watch TV during the day? If it was test cricket. Yes, interestingly, sport I will make an exception for. It doesn't

feel like TV, sport. I can't watch TV in the day. Really? It makes me very depressed. I think what you can't watch is things that are made watch TV in the day. Really? It makes me very depressed. I think what you can't watch is things that are made for TV during the day. Oh, Murder, She Wrote, that's the worst thing. Things that are happening anyway but are on TV, it's all right to watch those. Like the news.

Yeah, I think that's the distinction. The Olympics, I will do. But an episode of Murder, She Wrote, I mean, that is just... But honestly, I will watch 20 minutes of a programme one night and then 20 minutes the next night. That's how I do it. I treat telly like a panettone. I just tear a bit off. Do you know what I mean?

Throughout the festive season. I wouldn't eat a whole panettone. I tear a bit off and wrap it back up again and have another bit tomorrow. I find your self-control alarming. Yeah. Well, thanks. Pillow talk.

Guys, what do you think of people who go to the cinema in the day? You're talking about watching TV shows we think is a little... can be a bit depressing. I went to the cinema in the day once on tour in stoke and um former world cop winner gordon banks was in there on his up yeah harvey oswald it's definitely a something that comedians do when they're in a different town for the whole day before a show and goalies and goalies those are the two people who do it i i quite like cinema on my own because i'm a lot of my going to things is slightly impaired by wondering what the other person is thinking and whether they're hating it and

yeah stuff like that yeah so to be free of that yeah. The problem with cinema is okay, theatre, you end up in the interval sitting on your own in the theatre which is like an Edward Hopper painting,

you just look like a tragic lonely figure and that's not so good. No. But you know. Or like a mad fan.

Yeah, people think, oh, of course the theatre on their own, you can feel people when they come back in thinking, hasn't moved. Yeah, people think, oh, go to the theatre on their own, you can feel people when they come back in thinking, hasn't moved. Yeah.

Can I just read, they asked people about, who work to home, they asked them for the pros and cons, and there were five cons, as it were. Four of them were banter, they missed the banter. Another one,

I wrote these down because I was interested by them, banter, they miss the banter. Another one, I wrote these down because I was interested by them. Banter and then interacting with colleagues. Okay. Banter, I call it. Catching up on the latest gossip, also known as banter. And then feeling connected to people. Or banter. That's what you miss is the people.ter because that's what

all you what you miss is the people yeah that's what they're driving at there isn't it I mean it's alright

to say that yeah and that is I remember when when my partner Kath left an office job and she said

what she missed most of all was conversations at the kettle you know you're making a cup of tea and you have a bit of a a great all was conversations at the kettle you know you're making a cup of tea and you have a bit of a a great show title conversations at the kettle yeah radio four what you really want is a sort of la club called the kettle where that's staged i don't know if that exists and of course if you watched the kettle, it would never, inevitably, really, really take off.

What about when I worked in fashion magazines and a dear friend of mine, Tony, who you've met, Frank, who used to edit Wallpaper magazine. Very smart. Are you familiar with it, Peter? Wallpaper magazine? I've never missed an issue. It's a very chic interiors architecture magazine. Fag chic. I've never missed an issue it's a very chic interiors architecture style magazine I've used it he writes a column

in there but what I loved is that because they were so aspirational and the staff they wouldn't allow a microwave

in the kitchen I saw someone from I'm not going to say they wouldn't allow I saw someone put it in a cupboard because they said

it was aesthetically unappealing. Gosh, I... OK? It used to get a lot of bad... Remember the days of employee blinded but working next to microwave? All those stories. Oh, the microwave panics?

Yeah, the microwave. I still don't have one because my mother wouldn't allow us to. I live by mine. When I get up on a Saturday morning, I still don't have one because my mother wouldn't allow us to. I live by mine. When I get up on a Saturday morning, I've already moistened porridge the night before and put it in the microwave ready for cookage. Cookage? Since you mentioned porridge,

James Stapleton gets in touch in terms of trend buckers. Okay. Breakfast trend buckers. Yeah. Breakfast trend buckers. Yeah, I remember it. It seems a long time ago now. He says, I know, he opens self-deprecating. Oh, remind me. I've got to tell you something I saw on BBC Breakfast this morning.

Speaking of breakfast, carry on. Was it about cookage? Yeah, no. It's self-deprecating. He says, I know this isn't what you're after. We'll decide that. Yeah. I've been the judge of that.

He says, but a guy at work puts a whole tin of tuna in his porridge. It's revolting. Oh. Probably the best strategy I've come across for getting everyone to know who you are. Oh, yeah. That is it. He's the guy who... Yeah. Yes.

Yes. Well, of course, the Scots famously salt their porridge. I don't suppose it's that far from doing that. Yeah, but I can't see the three bears enjoying that. That would give them a shock of their lives. No, true. The porridge tuna. What do you call a tuna porridge, I suppose?

I had some sort of porridge at the Fat Dock. Snail. Snail porridge. Snail porridge. Snail porridge. Is that more ridiculous? True. 8.12.15. Terrible.

Terrible survey being carried out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now, I was telling you, I saw something on BBC Breakfast this morning which made me have a bit of a chuckle. Yeah. And now, I don't know the names of these particular presenters,

but there's always a man and a woman on there. And the woman, I don't know, she's like a very sort of, like a head girl kind of a, she's the head girl that you're secretly in love with but you're too frightened to tell her because she might hit you with a hockey stick she's got that kind of thing and they had a man being interviewed who was in belfast not the place but the film kenny branner has done this and they had him talking about you know the film and how great it was to make it and uh and and you know etc etc and then he came back to the studio and the guy said to the head girl he

said um have you seen uh belfast she said yeah not for me really she said i didn't love it but, you know, the kid was good. I thought, wow, respect to Mondo. You know, the marker mode, she's broken the marker mode, as in mode. Yeah. Yeah, but it's a great moment of... Yeah, it's...

Not really. God. Yeah. Someone's tearing their hair out in a PR department somewhere. Well, I don't know if she can stop it now. It's a bit of a... It's already on its trajectory to success. Well, it's not something you expect of BBC Breakfast,

which is why I like her. I think the trouble is we're getting up early in the morning is you don't know quite what you're saying. Yes. I was on BBC Breakfast and Bill Turnbull said to me, you've done some terrible jokes, haven't you? And he rattled off these subjects.

And I said, yeah. I was just... And he went... And then there was a... It's just completely... And I just... I was just tired. I was doing it if you like.

If you like, I did those jokes. And, yeah, it sort of got me. If I'd tried to defend it, it probably would have become a bigger thing. Yeah. Well, not that time of the morning. You were so tired that you automatically followed the sort of aristocratic, never apologise, never explain.

No, it wasn't even that. I was just fact-checking. Did you count them off on your fingers? I like you've done some terrible jokes, haven't you? Yeah, that's right. That's right, Bill. Coming up next. Exactly.

And now, ultimately, the perfect flan. I'll tell you what I like, though. I like the brunch one. What's that one? Sunday brunch. Oh, yeah, I like that one. Sunday brunch. What is the advice they always, always say to you?

The same thing on Sunday brunch. You have to do a photo for the PR. Oh, yeah. A photographer always says, not holding a knife, please. Really? In case of future revelations. Just, not good for the show, could be, you know, blah, blah, blah,

making light of blah, blah. Oh, God. And where do they stand on forks? They never mentioned forks. As long as you don't hold them overhand above your head. Yeah, that's it. Like a trident. They're okay.

No, so good to know. Okay, so Pierre, thanks so much for coming in. Thank you for having me. It's great to see you. I miss the Russell of velvet. But you know. Emily, I'm not going to thank you because you're here every week. Okay.

Thanks, Bill Turnbull. OK. So, if the good Lord's... Start again. Yeah, start again. Can we cut that live? That would have changed things if I'd known that. Yeah.

So, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!