The Frank Skinner Show - Frisbee of Hope

Episode Date: October 24, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had a problem with a wet car door and has been impersonated by Sarah Champion. The team also discuss the Rolls Royce, scaffolding and new veggie food names.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Why not email the show via the Absolute Radio website? Do you want to make it more intimate? Yeah, let's go with Jack and Ori style. Yeah, yeah, because people just blast it out. You know, you forget there's human beings out there.

Yeah. Some of them on waste ground. So let's just have a bit of, you know, kindness in our voices. Yeah. Okay, I'll try. Okay. I know it doesn't come easy to you, Alan. No. With your Toby

Jones. If you want. Oh, man. Frank, attention must be paid to Sarah Champion. You're both familiar with her work. Indeed. Yeah. She follows our show. Does she follow our show?

Yeah, she follows our show today. Our fabulous colleague at Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio have a challenge at the moment, which is you have to recreate the Instagram picture of a fellow presenter. Oh. So you could do... No, I don't get the all-staff memos.

No one told me. Have you opted out of the all-staff memos. No one told me. Have you opted out of the all-staff? No, I just, I don't know. I think I'm, it's like I was at school. I spend a lot of time standing by the railings while they're running around playing Kiss Chase or whatever games they play. And I'm that kid, you know.

It's fine, I accept it now. Well, you've done well out of it. Yeah, I've done all right. I'm that kid, you know. It's fine, I accept it now. Well, you've done well out of it. Yeah, I've done all right. Stopping by. I'm still scratching along. So, Sarah Champion, guess what she was challenged to do? She was challenged to recreate Frank's dance. Well, it's not a dance.

It was, do you remember, Al, when he decided to work out to Joe Wicks? Decided to? He went all in, didn't you? You're making it past tense. Yeah, you're still doing Joe Wicks? Decided to. He went all in, didn't you? You're making it past tense. Yeah, you're still doing Joe Wicks. I still do Joe Wicks every weekday morning. A bit like one of those people that still looks at CFAX or something.

It was really zeitgeist to do Joe Wicks and now it's not, but you're still doing it. I see myself as, you know, these occasionally they find Japanese soldiers who thought the war was still on. Yeah, I have continued. How's the Tamagotchi going? You're still managing to keep it going?

I'm a fighter. He's passed. So Sarah Champion, I mean, this video was, it created quite a sensation, didn't it? So what was the joke? Was it that one when I'm sort of, I'm doing that kicking out at the front exercise? You're in a sort of England away top, I seem to remember, aren't you? Am I?

Yes, you're in an England shirt and shorts. Oh dear. And Sarah... I was caught up in the moment, you know, coronavirus had just hit, everyone was talking about it, it was a sort of ice bucket challenge feel. And I thought, I was very emotionally attached to Joe Wicks.

I thought he was saving the nation. And I wanted to spread the word. And God knows I made a damn fool of myself. No, I don't think so. Or can I say, Champion, by name, it's a sublime effort. Oh, okay. I must check it out. Yeah.

She did extremely well. She just managed to get something of your elbow action. Yeah. Oh, really? And I have something of the tin man from the Wizard of Oz about my general movement. Right. Maybe some fish oil.

Yeah, that's right. Maybe you need some oil. Not like at the beginning when he's completely rusted. Right. Maybe some fish oil. Yeah, that's right. You need oil. Maybe you need some oil. Not like at the beginning when he's completely rusted and has to be, but just when he just starts to come out of that. I'm calling it

the Tin Man's interim period between stasis and mobility. That's where I'm pitching my snappy title. But you've lost the scarecrow's grooming. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true.

And I'm like the Tin Man. You have a giant heart now, I see. Oh, thank you so much. You're not supposed to tell people about that. I have very heavy calcium deposits on my heart. It's a constant health risk for me. That's why after the Joe Wicks every morning morning or i uh i implode i must check this out i'm i'm i'm all for um i'm all for uh in in-house jollity oh especially when it's a bit of sarah

champion oh come on see that's it isn't it now i'm going to feel guilty about no i'm looking at in the spirit in the spirit of um what's the term what's like a fancy term for leg pulling jp yeah jp i'll go for that yeah uh no great i'm checking i might check it out during this break in fact where is it it's well it's hashtag fake it like like a polaroid i believe is the uh yeah how you find this sound This has got Bush and Ritchie written all over it. Did they instigate this? I don't think so. Okay, well, we'll get to the bottom of it.

Tell them to be in my office. I sense a sprinkling of Barry. Oh, yes, of course. I try not to go straight to Barry because he is at the core of most things at this station. I see him as the Wi-Fi and we are, we reach, we have the waves ripple across us. Okay, well we'll have a look at it.

Sounds great. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I owe you a major apology. Oh, for goodness sake. Do continue. Over to our apology correspondent Alan Cochran. Well, for goodness sake. Do continue. Over to our apology correspondent Alan Cochran. Well, we've had

a text in from reader 245 who seems to know more about the machinations here at Absolute Radio than we do who are on it. Who says it was a West Brom Alb shirt. An abbreviation

of West Bromish Albion quite a lot of abbreviation there in West Brom Alb. I think people are in a rush. Yeah that Frank was wearing. Sarah got a listener to courier her one for the video. She was also wearing her friend's glasses which meant she could barely

see what she was copying. It was a champion recreation. I've got to give, I just watched Sarah Champion's recreation of my Joe Wicks exercise and she did a top job. I mean, she has followed it to the note.

It's amazing. Well done champers. My apology is based on the fact that I'd incorrectly thought it was an England shirt. And that just painted you in a slightly different light. I don't want people to think I went out and destroyed a local bus stop with a lump of concrete after that exercise.

Maybe it's a warm down. But no, she did well to get it as well, because it's not the current away shirt by any stretch. I think an audience member of her show said, to get it as well because it's not the current away shirt by any stretch. I think an audience member of her show said, you can have it, I'll send it to you by courier.

I mean... They're very kindly, the West Brom fans. Hey, we've had a... We don't normally read out praise, but we've had a text that says,

just great start, keep it up. Oh. Did that mean my life? I mean, I'm assuming it's for us we might not be yeah anyway well done

Sarah Champion that was top that you could have could have it's in Phoenix in the Flames type standard it is

it really is who are you going to do then Frank well I don't know I don't know what's happening on Instagram I'll have to ask the producer to take my hand and lead me through it

as one might lead an elderly person across a busy road. And then we'll see what occurs. But if I was going to put a comment on the Sarah Champion video... What would you say? Colston. No other word for it? It's ruined the whole thing.

We've had an email anecdote from Milsy. Email anecdote. Milsy in Chandler's Ford and I think it's I like the sound

of Chandler's Ford. I think it's something we'll all identify with. Is that that car parked outside Jerry Seinfeld's house? I think

he's I would say one of the great American novelists. Raymond Chandler. Chandler's Ford. I think we can all identify with this because it's about a joke that didn't work. Hi, Frank and the team.

Speak for yourself. I told the girl at work who looks after equality and diversity, etc. That inclusion email, I didn't get it. Oh, okay. Went right over her head. Regards, Millsy and Chandler's Ford. We have to, you know, some of them, as we know, do fall

like stony ground. Don't stop joking. That's my parable. That's my motto. I went to London Zoo yesterday with my son. You're always at the zoo. I love the zoo.

I'm a golden member. Golden member. Not just a member. I'm a golden member. Does that cost more to be gold? Maybe. But I get to park. I get to park on the...

Why so coy? It's a coy zoo membership. I think you might be getting a red golden member. Is it like the Nando's? No, no, no. I pay for whack. For whack? Yes.

I'm helping the animals. You don't pay for whack for anything. Come on. I help the animals. Yeah. It's like I'm sort of Attenborough without all the blather I just put my

hand in my pocket similar as that so I get to park a box she I like you just better than Attenborough

not better better than Abraham Lincoln I never said better than Attenborough but you're doing the same job

with less fuss I'm helping animals but I'm doing it under the radar, off camera. I don't feel I have to be centre stage when I'm doing it. That's all I'm saying. To me, the important thing is they get the help, not that I get the glory.

Anyway, my son did a joke, and I was... Someone was going, I wanted to get somewhere on time, or blah, blah, blah. And I sort of ignored the joke. And he said, what's the matter? And I said, we're just going to get to the... And he said, what? And that's more important than the joke.

And I thought, oh, my boy. My boy. And I stopped and laughed at the joke and I thought, I will never, my child, do that again. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What else?

I'm wondering if our people now, during the virus, during the current virus. Oh, yeah. The corona virus. Yeah. Are people actually having driving lessons and taking their driving tests in convertibles? Oh, that's a good question. Actually, it's the way...

I don't think it's happening. I think they're wearing masks and lowering the windows, which is not as fun a premise as... No, I mean, the idea of having lessons in a convertible, that would be fantastic. I think I can mention him now he's done his time. Gary Glitter, I think, passed his test in a Rolls Royce. Did he?

That's something, isn't it? Do you know, you don't often see a Rolls Royce, and I saw one the other day. Not with elf legs on, you don't. I saw one the other day, and I just thought, respect. I think Harry Hill used to have one. Old one or new? Oh, old.

Because the new ones are about there. A bit pricey for me. I was in Saint-Tropez once playing in a charity football game. I was playing for the 1994 Brazil World Cop winning team. This is one of your anecdotes that sounds like a fever dream but is an actual anecdote. Actually, I was playing, you know,

I remember Kaka sort of giving me a pass to try and help me to score. He couldn't, even he couldn't do that. They couldn't engineer that even with all that skill. It was amazing. I should have been on the other side, but then there was one of the

Brazilian team didn't turn up, so I was I'm really not making this up. We played on the beach. They erected a pitch on the beach at Saint-Tropez. Anyway, at the end of it, they all got into a minibus and I got into a Rolls Royce to take me back to

the hotel. How embarrassing. Sitting in the back in a Brazil kit and trainers. And they were like looking through the window to see who it was and then they were like, it's that guy who was just playing with us. We're in the minibus. They'd had enough gold in their lives.

It was the 70s idea of I've made it. Yeah, it was. That's why the rock stars, didn't John Lennon have one? Everyone had to buy one. John Lennon had one when he was not imagining their possessions. No, exactly.

Well, maybe he was imagining it. No hypocrisy there. Did he have, I hope that he had... Happy 80th anniversary to John Lennon. It's not Sir John Lenn Happy 80th anniversary to John Lennon. It's not Sir John Lennon, is it? No, to John Lennon, he said, yeah. I thought that had skipped by me in the Honours List, late review from Her Majesty.

There used to be a lot of Rolls Royces with the personalised number plate. Paul Daniels, do you know it? M-A-G-1-C. Correct. Yes! Jimmy Tarbuck. T-

Oh, it's got to be a T-A-R. No, it's not. It's along the lines of M-A-G-1-C. Oh, there's got to be. It's C-O-M-1-C. Yeah, C-O-M-1-C. Yeah. Oh.

So, there'll be more from guests than on the plane. You could win £250,000 with Wix tools. Oh, God, no. No, you couldn't. You can't. You can't. You can't. That's a lie.

The producer looks more tense now than when you brought up Gary Glitter. Yeah. The producer is... It looks like bears dancing in the corner. The amount of hand actions and leg actions going on. She'll say to me after, now, you're all right with the infamous, but lay off the sponsors.

We've had a text from 082, a.k.a aka Jimmy the Face. Oh, okay. Who tells us, Hi team, if you owned a Rolls Royce in the 1970s, it was generally assumed that you were a scrap metal dealer. Oh. By the way, well done for avoiding the term roller,

which is used only by people unlikely ever to own one. Yeah, I'm not a fan of it. It's a bit like Whovian. Oh, really? Do your people not use that? No, I think they do, but I've never been happy with Whovian. Tell me about it.

Yeah, Roller, I'm not... One thing that strikes me is, as you say, Rolls-Royce has fallen from grace slightly. But people still talk about, they say, oh, this is the Rolls-Royce of doughnuts. Yes, you're right. Whereas Rolls-Royce is not actually the Rolls-Royce of cars. No.

I'm interested in why it was generally assumed that you were a scrap metal dealer in the 70s. Does that mean that they were making a lot of... I think they were making big money then, yeah. There used to be a lot of talk metal dealer in the 70s. Does that mean that they were making a lot of... I think they were making big money then, yeah. There used to be a lot of talk about scrap in the 70s. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah, different times.

There used to be a discussion of how much money there was in scaffolding when I was at school. Well, it's funny you should mention scaffolding. Oh, yeah. We've had scaffolding on our house for a week. Have you? You've got everything, haven't you? What are you having done?

Well, the whole front of the house, the paint's bubbling up, the pointing. The pointing is I've got water coming through the wall. Come on! Oh, that's no use. I mean, what if it reaches my valuables? I do sleep quite close to that wall. Oh, so you've got the scaffolding And so they've concluded their activity

And Boz said to me, my eight year old son He said, can we keep the scaffolding? Oh he liked it He said, I really like it He said, I like the way He said, I like how spiky it makes the house. Yeah. And it does, because obviously with moth houses, I don't know if you've ever been in a moth house.

Bow houses. Yeah. Did you say I can keep the house quite spiky, son? Exactly. Look and learn. Look and learn. Whenever I see scaffolding on our house, I really want to put on a 1950s card prison outfit and do the Jailhouse Rock routine.

It's begging, absolutely begging for it. But I wonder if anyone has ever done that. See if you own a scaffolding company. Just leave it on. Just keep it on. I mean, I know what buzz means because I've had scaffolding I don't want to boast but I have

also had it and I liked the idea of, oh I could just climb up there Yeah, well I've thought when I've had, when me and Kath have been locked in dispute, which we are occasionally, I thought, how nice to get in at night and just cut by her altogether.

I just cut the side of the house like a rat. It's the New York fire escape. Oh, yeah, I love the New York fire escape. I hate to be that guy, but somebody will text eventually saying it does affect your house insurance as well. Does it? Oh, yeah, I suppose it probably affects them. Because probably burglars are having the same idea about being able to go in the top window and just bypass them.

Well, that's why they have the scaffolding alarms now, which keep me up at all hours. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought about... I put it to Kath that she could get up there in the night after they've gone home and clean the windows. Bok she! Did you?

And she was definitely into it. Yeah. And then, out of the blue, the guy said to me, oh, by the way, he said, when we finish, we might as well clean your windows on the way. That's nice. Yeah. So I saved.

I mean, that would have done, I don't know how much comedy I could have got out of that on here if Kath had fallen whilst cleaning the windows in the night. God. But it's,

it is an opposite, I mean, it's just, she was really, she's rarely impressed by me, but she said that's such a good idea. Were you genuinely impressed?

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Such a good idea. Are you genuinely impressed? We've had a few texts in. One of them is, I would argue, correcting a thing that you brought up, Frank. Oh, no. 003 has texted in. Oh, yeah. Licence to dead leg not actually kill

I think they can do a Chinese burn as well You were bringing up the point that the Rolls Royce for many years has been used to say the best of dot dot dot I remember Alan Bennett in an interview saying that Wensleydale was the

Rolls Royce of cheese. Very Alan Bennett. I know I've been Wensleydale, but it was something else. That is what I'd call peak Bennett. You have to be something profoundly English. Like Keith Waterhouse, who I used to love, who wrote Billy Lyre. And when he was on Desert Island Discs, they asked him what his book would be.

And he said, well, I want something that's profound. I'll miss England. He said, I've got to say, I love England and I will really miss England. So I want something profoundly English. Could I have a year's leather-bound copies of The Exchange of Mars? Anyway, 003 says, Frank Emmeline Allen,

read The Rolls-Royce for many years. It wasn't considered to be, quote, the Rolls-Royce of cars. It is now. The Phantom 8 is considered not only the best car in the world, but the best car ever built. Wow, how do you qualify for that? I like the composition of that text and the way he's built tension in a sort of they think it's all over

yeah with the it is now element yes so that's right the best car ever built is that is that a thing no is that a category i mean i didn't according to 003 it is i trust 003 yeah me too it sounds like you know we've got an authority we're assuming it's a guy. Well, this is true. I opened my car door yesterday and had to wait. Congratulations. I had to wait for about two minutes while water ran out of the door. Oh. That's poor design. What happened?

It's never happened before. Just sitting there with water. I don't want to use the word. Pouring out of the bottom of the door. What's going on? You're probably going to end up on some forums about your car brand reading water ingress solutions at some point, I would imagine. Do I have to get something?

Is there any danger in having water in my door? You'd be fine if you just put a big sponge next to it. Maybe. I can't sponge next to it. Maybe. I can't park next to a sponge. It's not that easy to choose parking where I live. You have to make, do and mend when it comes to parking. Oh, the amount of circling of

your property I have to do. I'm sorry about that. I mean, honestly. Can't you live in the countryside in a manor? Yeah. If you get one of those you know when people like Katie Price buy a mansion in the countryside

it just never occurred to me to you just said a parking absolute can you imagine going to see a friend and you just park that's it when I watch James Bond people are blown away by the gadgets. I see him park on Shaftesbury Avenue, and I'm completely blown away by it.

Wow! Parks outside the place he's going. Look, there was no lines, nothing. Oh, those were the golden years. 003 remembers, of course. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text the show on 81215 or follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I've got to go through Instagram now. I don't know if I can do that because I'm not on it. Find photographs of Absolute presenters and try

and reproduce. We can get you help with that. I'm sure of it. I can't get my own back on Champion because the only pictures I remember seeing of her, she's got dogs very close to her face and I don't like the germs that close. I don't like dog spit. I think it's a killer.

I have, yeah, but that was times when I was more headstrong. I couldn't have a dog right there. You couldn't? Live a little. You see, that's what I live for. Yeah, well, we're all different. Sheila Edwards has been in touch,

Frank. You were talking about scaffolding. Yeah, well, we're all different. Sheila Edwards has been in touch, Frank. You were talking about scaffolding. Yeah. Sort of suggesting, well, Buzz actually came out and said, you know, can we keep the scaffolding?

Sheila has a cautionary tale for Buzz here because she says it needed guttering replacing earlier this year. Scaffolding went up on the 20th of March, so stayed up

all through lockdown oh be careful what you wish for buzz very efficiently redirecting rain in through the bedroom window and keeping the whole house in gloom oh yeah finally came down august see what i would have thought be the ending the pluses though and almost every negative has a plus, is, you know that thing that people couldn't come over and stay and stuff because they couldn't be in your house? They could sleep up top on the scaffolding. Oh, I don't know.

I dare say they'll outlaw that as well. Oh! So keen to rob us of our freedoms. 447 has been in touch. This is not the official policy of Absolute Radio. Go on, who's been in touch? 447 has said, hi, about the wet door. That's your car door.

Oh, yeah. About the wet door is the beginning of a text that I'm really fond of, actually. Yes. Wasn't it a Shakin' Stephens song? I have a VW van from 1996 and it has a, quotes, wet

door, which means it's built for the water to go inside it then drain out holes at the bottom. Yeah, but why have I had this car for nine years and it's never happened before? Have mischievous youths come round at night and put holes in the door? That's what it is.

Maybe it's got clogged up. And it's finally released. You know, just saying that, I felt the release of that water coming out the door. Oh! Like when you burst a boil or something. Oh! That escalated. I've lanced my car door, that's what's happened 607 has said

hey Frank, dog saliva is an antiseptic yeah, there you go well, we'll see about that yeah, I think on dogs when dogs lick their own wounds it's a dog antiseptic, not a human one yeah, I think that's what when dogs lick their own wounds. It's a dog antiseptic, not a human one. Yeah, I think that's what it is.

Also, you know, we all know, and it's breakfast telly, but we all know that dogs don't just lick face. Are you going to tell him more or more? You're now on radio, dear. If I was, I think we'd have all dressed better. Oh, damn you, Sigmund Freud. Oh, what a pathetic... Oh, God, Frank still thinks he's on television. Who's going to tell him?

Oh, Miss Havisham. Do you know, Al, it was... I really felt... If ever you want poignant, but somehow light-hearted tragedy in one of your... one of your video essays that you do for media studies, put that in.

The old guy who thinks he's still on telly. Oh, man. I mean, even as I talk about it, I'm casting it already. But there's something brilliant about that. But terrible. Yeah. Any road up. But terrible. Yeah. Any road up is a hotel. Well, I think there are things.

We're having a lot of people agreeing with you regarding... We'll read them out. No, you're all right. I could have done a bit more of that at home. Sammy, for example, Sammy Anther, really saying parking fills me with such anxiety you were talking earlier, well we were all

talking about this being a joint concern, Sammy says she's looking forward to the future the car that does all that for me they can even plan the parking spot before I arrive can it choose the parking spot before I arrive. Oh, I see, I see. Well, I might...

Can it choose the parking spot, though? I must quote my child again. As I was leaving the... No, as we arrived at the car park at London Zoo, he said to me, how did you get on when you did the parking part of your driving test? And I said, happily, my son, the driving test didn't have a parking part

when I took it. Wow. That is how I slipped under that metal door. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 337 has been in touch regarding your car, Frank. Ah, yes. Morning, Fremal. Frank M. Owl.

Oh, I get it. Fremal. Fremal. Fremal. Ree Frank's car door. Hmm. Sorry. Possibly one of my favourite subject lines ever written.

There is an obvious explanation. He must have used too much choke last time he drove it. He's clearly flooded it, hasn't he? Praise reluctantly redacted as instructed. That's from Ian Stewart. OK, hold your high horses. It was a joke. It was a joke. Sorry. OK, I get it now. What a fool I've been.

It's just when he said it's obvious. I knew a guy who was taught by the philosopher Karl Popper. Did you? And he said if anyone used the word obvious, he would always stop the thing and say, obvious to who. That was his comeback. If you ever want to use

a Karl Popper comeback have that one. I love a bit of Popper. Do you? Maybe it clubs in the 80s. Hank, I saw something this week and I thought of you.

No, not regional sci-fi. OK. It was actually a story about accuracy with regards to language. And I consider you something of a stickler in that area. I'd say you're my sort of language, grammar, sense police in many ways. Oh, goodness, the responsibility. No, but you have done teaching at a high level. I've done teaching.

At a high level. I think I spoke at a high level for some of it. Stop hiding your... OK. Now, I love... Oh, I love the words. You like your words, you do. And I came across something this week which interested me.

Have you heard about this? There's a proposed, I think it's an EU law they're proposing, which would ban the labelling of non-meat products, so vegan products, as being sausages. You can't say veggie burgers, for example. Yeah. You would have to call them... Burger is a meat name.

Yeah. Yeah. You would have to call them discs. Oh, I love that. Sausages, if they're veggie sausages, they would now have to be called... Is it tubes? Correct, Alan.

Although I've got a problem with that, because surely tubes are hollow by their very nature. Oh. So calling them tubes means they're going to have to have a hollow bit in the middle. Oh, that would be quite like the idea of sausages with, like, a shaft running through the middle. It's making me feel ill. You could eat them off your fingers.

That would be nice. Imagine sitting and looking like a batting glove and just eating them off. Oh, Frank, a very primitive sort of... Eating your tofu tubes off your hand. It would look quite primitive 80s robot. Yeah. A sort of Tron.

It would look like somebody eating their own fingers and leaving a skeleton behind. Ironically, for a non-meat product. It sort of trauma. It would look like somebody eating their own fingers and leaving a skeleton behind. Ironically, for a non-meat product. It is, yeah. They actually used, I mean, I thought they used the phrase cultural appropriation. Did they really? It's meat.

Some meaty person, someone from, I don't know, pork to die or chop concern, said, yeah, it was meat. Some meaty person, someone from, I don't know, Pork Today or Chop Concern, said, yeah, it was meat. These vegetarian people who are always very anti-meat are very happy to take our names and use them to their own advantage. I thought that was fabulously based moral indignation. Oh, well done, theignation. Oh. And presumably what?

Well done, the awful bureau. Yes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing the vegan sausages and burgers being renamed tubes and discs. And vegetarian. Oh, and vegetarian, yeah, that's what I meant. And I feel sorry for an occasional guest on this show, comedian Zoe Lyons,

who I think one of her big stand-up bits was about if vegetarians stop using our names, they should get different shapes. And she really would have depended on that as a bit of a tip. And it's going to be out of date if the EU have their way. I hate it when that happens. Oh, God. I mean, this is how I felt when the Queen Mother went.

It's how I felt when my bit about SatNav stopped working because people were all using Google Maps on their phones. I'm still very much sat nav. Are you? But is it built in? Of course you are. It's built in, yeah. It's built in,

so my sat nav bit still wouldn't work. I mean, he says that... It's like the soccer on the window and all that. I had some fun bit about people jumping out of your skin when it falls off. Let it go.

Well, can you imagine how Frank feels? He was doing that aged said material last season. I know. Frank, what I would say to you, to both of you indeed, the hamburger, though, they object to the meat community are, well, they're not reclaiming,

but they're feeling territorial, aren't they, about the use of words like burger and sausage. Yes. But hamburger has no relation to meat. It means an inhabitant of Hamburg. Yes. As I understand it. I believe that.

Good stuff. So therefore, it's not your word, meat people. Yeah. It's not your word. That's a good point. Thank you. That's what I thought of that. Thank you so much.

And I think the Swiss town of sausage. Also. You've made that up. Yeah, he's made it up. I think that's right. Surely it would be French, the word sausage. I can tell you exactly what the etymology is because I've researched this.

I'm the sort of etymology detective. You've researched the etymology of sausage? Yes. Sausage. I do a lot of that. I'm getting quite forensic about this kind of thing now. Forensique. I'm just going to say English words in the French accent,

see if it works. Sausage, originally spelt S-A-W. I think there's a Y in there, S-G-E. Your Middle English experience will tell you that it's obviously... Oh, I'm old English. Middle English is too far on for me. Too old, isn't it? It is, well, it is from that lot, and it means seasoning or salted, again.

No meat mention. Well, I'll good to our house. So, they're all... See, I kind of... I like the way the meat guys were saying... The guys? We used to say a thing when... We used to say a thing to kids in the street when I was...

Get off up your own end. Oh, yeah. And it was like that. Get off up your own end. Get your own words. I, yeah. And it was like that. Get off up your own end, get your own words. I love them being the meat guys. They are basically the meat guys. And it can be, there are some like schnitzel.

Oh, yeah. I don't suppose you have the etymology of that at your fingertips. No, but I do have the etymology of steak, and we'll come to that later. But this is schnitzel for me. It's onomatopoeia. It sounds like the tearing of flesh. Schnitzel, you can hear it.

It's sinuous, whereas you don't get that with your vegetarian. And I've had many a nice vegetarian burger, but it doesn't schnitz when you put it apart. You'd better read my new book, Schnitzel für Fritzl. It's a subterranean catering in Northern Europe. Ooh. I think that's two down on the note. Go to the music immediately.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So we're discussing the meat guys. Yeah, the meat guys versus the vegetable guys. Yeah, the meat guys versus the vegetable guys. Yeah, the meat guys are getting angry about the vegetable guys nicking their names of products. And here's the thing I don't understand.

I consider myself a... I'm team meat, I suppose, in this. I believe that humans are selective omnivores, so I eat meat. But what I don't get is the anger at vegetarian food that some people do when they get really mad about, you know,

Greg's having a vegan sausage roll. Just let them. Who cares? Who cares about that? Why do they get so angry about it? You know, I've had some nice vegetarian meals and I've had some not so nice. Why are people so mad about it? I've known some very nice vegetarian meals in my time.

They were lovely. Yeah, there's one works at our place. It's all right. Yeah. I used to go to... What was it called now? Something like Averdic. Restaurant.

Ayurvedic. I don't think they... Arrivederci? Arrivederci. It's in Rome. Hello. Yeah. Ayurvedic. I don't think they... Arrivederci? Arrivederci, right. It's in Rome. Hello. Here. Ayurvedic. Okay. Nice to meet you. And it was not

cooked, not what you'd call cooked, the meat, the food. It was meat? No, no, it was vegetables. I have to say it was very nice indeed, but it was me and a lot of very thin, beautiful women. Right, was it in Coulston? It should have been in Coulston.

On the Northern Line. There was a man in there who I remember, one of the waiters always wore knee pads, like you might wear for skateboarding. Oh, there we go. He was doubling up as an electrician. Well, I was hoping he was a good Catholic. But yeah, that was very nice food.

What I would say, both, is that... I can't be bothered with individual names anymore. I'm busy. Discs and tubes. Does it sound very appealing? No. I think for discs, they must be able to come up with better than that. Frisbees.

I think... Wow, that is brilliant. Yeah, thank you. How brilliant. Thank you. Well, also, they're not going to be named by the meat guys, are they? No. They should be allowed to be named by the vegetable community.

Yeah. And so they can call it the Frisbee of Hope. Yeah. What they need to do is get on their moral high horse about how they're safe in the planet. I don't think they get on horses.

No, no. They would. They'd get on one to rescue it, maybe. Yeah. I was on a dog walk with a friend

who's vegan and we had to step out of the way to let a horse go past. The horse rider said, oh,

just be careful because the dog can sometimes startle the horse. So we stood back and I said, do the vegans have a verdict on horse riding? He went, they're against it. Oh, okay, yeah. Every day's a school day.

I must say, it's less necessary than it used to be. Good point. And we should say there are several... I could just eat a compassion cylinder. Compassion cylinders and mash. Nice. That's what you do, though. Every time you order, you remind people.

Yeah. That you're in the right. If you've got any names for moral high horse sausages, burgers or meat products... Yeah, what would you call gravy? Text us on 81250. Also, Frank, I would say it's not... They're being a little strict, the meat guys.

I know. Because let's face it, grapefruit... Excuse me. I see no grape. Good point, no? Very good point. And why the need to mention, why so thirsty grapefruit, for the attention with the fruit thing?

Not every other fruit doesn't do that. The grapefruit is a bit, I'm having that. Someone has seen the grape. They've seen the grape and thought, that's a good name for a fruit. No one will know. It's not very, you know, not many people see the grape. They'll think we did it first. It always comes back to you in the end.

You're all right. Emily's choking. I'll keep talking. Yeah, I think she's going to be all right. I think she had something go down the wrong way, as they say. Yeah, I think so. So, we were talking. Have we had any outside world stuff?

Yeah, we've had a few suggestions for the shapes to be called you know we were talking about sausages and burgers morally indignant non-meat 798 has suggested the high and mighty discus of health I like it 531 what about

pat for a beef burger pat like a patty yeah't they call it... Like a patty. Yeah. Yeah, similar. Just call it Pat in a sort of an informal... 222, socially acceptable spheres,

otherwise known as meatballs. From Hannah, who describes herself as an amused citizen. I'm assuming that's this show, but it might be at The World. She's just going through life chuckling. It could be. A citizenship brings with it a certain natural humour. And 191 has said the veggie sausage could be renamed the vegan log, which... Well, it will be eventually. Yeah.

Let's not go into that. Indeed. I think it looks as if Emily's getting a bit better. She had a bit of a choking thing. It's a pity because on this show I've always said

and if you remember when I've seen people choke I never quite respect them as much afterwards. Oh, that's a shame. That could be the end of a long working relationship. This is it now.

Emily has returned. Oh. I'm alive. I'm really glad. Okay, that was high drama. It was high drama it was high drama yeah it was in here

we've just been talking about birds dollies yeah it got really laddy with that well white lifting

oh man cars again did it go a bit ahhh yeah quite a lot I had a genuine Heimlich type manoeuvre situation

oh goodness yes I don't think I can give you that in the current political climate I think I'd have to let you die I had a genuine Heimlich-type manoeuvre situation. Oh, goodness. Yes, I don't think I can give you that in the current political climate. I think I'd have to let you die. Faye did it from... She socially distanced while she did it. Can you do a socially distanced Heimlich manoeuvre? I felt she urged me on. I dislodged the piece myself.

Oh, good. There was something... A piece of... There was a crisp stuck in my windpipe what a way to go I do apologise to everyone were you frightened? I'll be honest with you, I didn't think we were operating

at full tilt on that link I think we were a little distracted that you were on your knees outside the window going purple and I tried to pull it but Al was genuinely distracted and upset. I put, I would say, more of a professional light on it.

Yeah, well done you. You're a real trooper. I do apologise. No, don't apologise for choking. But do you remember my thing? I said on here once that if I see people choke, I never quite respect them the same afterwards. I'm so sorry. It's so humiliating. I know, I joke, I never quite respect them the same after. I'm so sorry.

It's so humiliating. I know, I do. I've lost respect for myself. Well, I'm glad you pulled through that. So where were we? What happened? Well, I have a question. We were just talking about Melinda Messenger. Oh, there. I have a genuine question.

This is somewhat meat related I got some black pudding slices out of the freezer yesterday berry black pudding which is the good stuff I thought that was a command

it had been reduced so I bought it with an orange sticker on it for 62 pence does that mean you can park it wherever you like? You know the orange sticker, like, whoops, eat me now kind of stuff. Eat in 20 minutes or die. Yeah, exactly. Well, I froze it and then I got it out

and 62 pence, like four discs, let's call them discs, of the black pudding. And I noticed on the label something that I've never seen on black pudding before. There was a little flasher sticker thing, not sticker, a bit of design

that said ideal for barbecue. Oh. And I thought never in my life has anybody ever suggested black pudding for a barbecue. Well, I know.

That's why they're bringing it up though. I mean, you wouldn't need to put that on a sausage. You're right, you're right. You know what? The black pudding, it feels a little thirsty. Is it overreach? It's a bit of a thirst trap. I think it's a breakfast thing or it's fine dining.

You know, sometimes fine dining, they put black pudding with stuff. But you know what? If you're having to promote yourself, it's like going on a dating website and saying great for dinners, meeting parents, breakfast, lunch. What's happened is the Fédération de Pudding Noir

have had a meeting and they've said we are missing out on the barbecue. Why not the Pudding Noir? What's the sauce? The burger? Why not the P noir what's the size of burger why not the pudding noir

so I think yeah they're trying to edge into that market we've all done it this is

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with just about Emily Deaton and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm going to say Emily has completely recovered from that choking, but we were a bit worried. It reminded me, when I did Taskmaster, the original cast. Yes, oh, jeez.

I recently re-watched in the Cochrane home, my young. We had to eat as much watermelon as we could in a minute. Yeah. And Romesh, Frank and Nathan took this as a tremendous challenge and really went at it. Yes, I remember this. And, well, what they put out on the show

was a small section of him on his knees, choking. I mean, if he'd have died on that, I don't think it would still be on telly, probably. No, it wouldn't be the success story. Well, I was wondering what would have happened if I'd have just never come back. Would you have ever mentioned it? Would it have come up? Well, I doubt it. I think we if I'd have just never come back. Would you have ever mentioned it? Would it have come up?

Well, I doubt it. I think we'd still be talking about sausages, probably. Still talking about Melinda Messenger. Yeah. She went doing what she loved, talking about Melinda Messenger. Well, Al had already name-checked Zoe Lyons, so... Yeah.

But we thought there was a ramp to her. You! For the third hour. Well, I'm fully recovered now. Yeah. You had some barbecue black pudding just to get you back onto solids just during that long song, didn't we? Can I just say, if anyone is interested,

because I don't want conspiracy theories flooding the internet, I know what these things get like. I think that's unlikely. It was some sea... How dare you? I don't think people are interested in that on the internet. I choked on a bit of sea salt and cider

vinegar crisp this is what happens if you start having fancy crisps that was my punishment for being elite your most perfect punishment would be if you choked on grapefruit

having questioned it's name nothing like a grape. But it was a good experience in many ways. I feel reborn, but it's a wonderful lifestyle. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's great. Your whole life will change now. You know that thing where people are in near-death experiences

and then they really go at life? Yes. That'll be fantastic. I look forward to that. Do you think the grapefruit is thinking, people are going to accuse me of ripping off the orange, so I'll do that, you know, misdirection thing that magicians do. I'll put the grape as the obvious.

Yes. And actually, the grapefruit in other languages, lovely names, Pamplemousse, I believe, isn't it? Oh, lovely name. What a lovely, imaginative name. Pamplemousse is a good name. Isn't it? And what we make it start with, the British grapefruit, awful name.

They've let themselves down. They've let us down. What about orange? That's always intrigued me, Frank. But what came first then, the colour or the fruit? I believe that there was no word for the colour orange. It was a shade of red. Hence we have the Robin Redbreast instead of Orangebreast.

Thank you. Orange, yes. Thank you. And then the fruit was called an orange because it came from, I don't know. Orange. I could be wrong about that. It could have come, I think now we're on a thinner ice. Let's go back to the thicker ice. Yeah.

And so they took the name from the fruit rather than the fruit took the name from the colour. That's my theory. Oh, I love that you know that. I mean, we have some bright listeners who will know for sure. But that's my... Something I learnt yesterday at London Zoo. Oh, yeah. Well, we've heard about the zoo.

Jane Constantine, can I just say, 727. Hi, Frank, I hope you enjoyed the zoo yesterday. My husband was next to you and he warned you about that wasp. Oh yes he was a nice guy. I'll tell you what he did there was like a... Mr Constantine. There was like a... Is the wasp a part of the zoo? Not John Constantine from Hellblazer.

Anyway it was at the zoo there was like a rope handrail and he said to me don't touch that handrail there because there's a wasp on the other side of it now that is good citizen advice london zoo cordon off the wasps it's not time to use a plastic screen but what do i know but also i mean that yeah exactly and also i mean that's a disappointing attraction what do you want look at, the meerkats or the wasps?

I don't want wasps. Well, it depends what they're doing. The bog room, I suppose it's the bog building, I think is one of the highlights. Is it? You can walk into a room where there's massive... You should know, you've got gold membership, haven't you? Exactly.

There's massive spiders, which I pay for. He gets driven around in a Rolls Royce. Can I also say I didn't take my refund for COVID. I left that to the zoo. That's the kind of guy I am. But they have big spiders that's literally up on the ceiling and with nothing behind. You just walk in this room and there's enormous spiders

just swinging over your head. Do you know what? I've got to say, ant colonies, I could watch them all day. That's a good reality show. Oh yeah, especially when they get the leaves out. Oh, the leaves.

There is a famous comedian. Carry them like a surfboard. There is a famous comedian who does the voice of the spider who talks to you about being a spider. See if you can come up

with who it is by the end of this. We've had some guesses, haven't we, Al? Do you want to say what the guesses are for? For who does the voice of a spider at London Zoo. Is that right? Is that a fair pricey? It is.

337 has said, Morning again. Glad M is okay. Thank you. Spider voiceover, Chris Tarantula. That's very good, though, isn't it? Yeah. I'm happy with that.

Then we've had 660. Morning, surely the voice of the spider. This is from Nasher, by the way. Okay. Of Bedford. Hi, Nasher. Not Bino. Bino Town.

Surely the voice of the spider is Robert Webb of Mitchell and Webfoam. Oh, good again. Is that correct, though? No, it's not, but I like the joke. Billy Connolly, that's my guess. Oh, we've only just got the Robert Webb joke. Oh, no.

To be fair, her head is starved of oxygen after the... I think that's changed me forever. I don't get jokes anymore. You're supposed to be sick. Carpe diem, seize the day, not ignore the joke. That's a terrible motto. Place gauze over your brain. Anyway, Stuart Lee is the voice of the spider.

Oh. Really? Hmm. He does it very well, I would say. Okay. Did I tell you this? One thing I learnt was that many, I don't know, a million years ago or whatever, you know when they talk about that kind of past,

it doesn't seem to matter how many million years you do. Long time ago. Yeah. In Bethlehem. Long time ago, there was a penguin that was two metres tall. Shut up. That's tall. That is tall.

Come on. That is amazing, isn't it? Hang on. That is... So is that like six feet or something? Yeah. It is like six feet.

No, I think it's taller than that. I'm pretty sure I'm about 190. I don't know. So taller than Alan. That's a big... And that's the most terrifying prospect.

I know. Can you imagine that? Anything of that height with that kind of beak. Mm-hmm. Oh. This is the penguin you're describing now. Surely they were. They should have been working in catering, though, shouldn't they?

Yes. Because they're absolutely tailor-made for it. Absolutely. But yeah, they've got like a model of one so you can stand next to it and feel what it would be like to be confronted by such a penguin. Oh, that's horrible, actually.

You don't like that? Slightly terrifying. But you're okay with small horses? Increasingly less so these days, I find. Oh, okay. Yes. All back to the meat, by the way. I had a thought. Oh, okay. Yes. I, well, back to the meat, by the way,

I had a thought. Oh, yeah? Is there, or is there not, if talking about misleading people that making something sound meaty when in fact it's vegetable-y, is there or is there not a thing called a beef tomato?

Yes. Now that is absolute blatant misleading. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The meat guys, they will be up in arms. I mean, they're furious at the best of times, the meat guys. I wonder if on the packaging for the beef tomato, that should have a little bit of design saying ideal for barbecue because that sounds like it's right up there isn't it?

I think you should say it does not contain meat it's misleading the beef wellington, I've tried it, it's not wearable and buffalo wings buffalo mozzarella good point, that actually does come from a buffalo doesn't it

the buffalo wings don't that's alright I thought I'd treat myself. I was out, I was starving. I got the burgers of Calais. Turned out to be local dignitaries. Can't feast on that. Well.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. We were discussing Rolls Royces again in that musical interlude. I thought of another thing I tend to associate them with. Controversial, nay disgraced, religious leaders. Oh, yes. They're very cult leader. Yeah, they are, Ruby for a journey for like one mile

from one take to another or something that is the all the flowing robes in the back the wave of the hand with a gold a glittering diamond on the ring next thing you know netflix documentary about you i have a theory about why rolls royce went into sort of a decline in popularity. It's to do with Kate Winslet, a popular actress. Remember when she stood on the front of the Titanic with her arms stretched back? Oh, yeah. A la Hood Ornament of Rolls-Royce. Yeah.

I think people probably watched that and thought, oh, it must be a Rolls-Royce, the Titanic. Well, I don't think I'll be getting one of them. I'd say. What is it called? Good theory. It's not the Silver Lady. There's something spirit.

Phantom Lady. A phantom spirit. Is it? I'm going to phantom spirit. I don't know, just put it together. Surely it was in Marvel Comics in the 1960s. I'm sure someone will tell us what it is. I'm sure someone will tell us what it is.

533 has got in touch with a meat and vegetables related anecdote. You know, we're discussing sausages and burgers. I'll say. I went to a pub in Farringdon and ordered a mushroom burger thinking it would be a juicy burger with sautéed mushrooms. It was a bap with a slice, not even a whole one, a slice of a portobello mushroom. Unbelievable. Should have taken the pub to court.

Yes. To court. And you wouldn't have far to go in Farris. At this point, my wife would have said, what's under your anger iceberg there? I know, but... Oh, that's good. That's a good line.

Oh, lovely work, Madame Cockroach. Where is the burgering in that? Good point. They've just put the sausage sandwich, and not even a good one by the sounds of it. Yeah, see that is a mushroom sandwich. It's wrong. I mean, if I brought out a beef courgette Oh, please don't.

There'd have to be some screams. I was going to say, please never do that. But it would be a misleading thing. I think we need to... I was in a pub once and on a blackboard, dish of the day. Yes, she was great in the Bond films. It was vegetarian chilli con carne. Oh.

What is in that then? Well, chilli con carne, as you know, means chilli with meat. Yeah, well, they can't have that then. They can't have the carne. No. Get off the carne. I mean, in that one instance, I will let the meat guys, I'm going to let you have it, meat guys.

Yeah, I think. I'm not siding with anyone here. I eat meat and I eat vegetables and I love them both. That's my view. Right in the middle of the Venn diagram there. I've been to parties organised by the meat industry.

It's always name dropping out. It's a great night out. Is it? Are you always found in the kitchen at parties? Can I ask you, at the party organised by the meat industry, this question to both members of the panel. Who is someone you would very much expect to see there on the celebrity front?

I would say... Oh, actually, I mean, any suggestions for me? Well, I think Suri and Botham. Yeah. Surely. And Kevin Bacon. Oh! Richard Hammond.

Yeah, he'd be there. Maybe Jeremy would even make it. Maybe. Yeah, I think so. He organised it. He is one of the meat guys. He is. Wasn't his fight with the producer over a steak that he couldn't have?

Yes. Oh, yes. Now it's all falling into, anyway. They love a party, the meat industry. And you know what? If you want to smoke a cigar indoors, you can. Just quickly, we've had various people texting, the Rolls-Royce mascot is the spirit of ecstasy.

That's the name for it. That's a bit Manchester. OK. Oh, I've just thought of it. I'll gather round for this. Gather round for this. Yeah, they love a party, the meat industry. They'd turn up for the opening of an escalope.

Oh! I mean, tremendous. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've just had some... I like this suggestion, just a couple of them, of people who might be invited to the meet guys, the meet party. Oh, yeah.

I just think Sam Allardyce is a good shout-out. Oh, that is good. Yeah. That's it. I would have to barge the queue if I saw him going up for the buffet. Dave from Coventry has suggested they turn up to the opening of an antelope. Oh, nice.

And Paul Bennett has suggested Brian Blessed. I don't know, he's a bit... Is he still with us? Yes, oh God, yes. Gordon's alive! I think Brian Blessed would turn up with an open shirt wearing a beef medallion. And someone who calls himself

Popper 516 Getting Old is Fun, he has suggested Frank Butcher, obviously, which I think works on both levels, because Mike Reid very much would be there and Frank Butcher. Mike Reid is no longer with us, is he? That's true. Oh, I do apologise.

Stephen has said there's already a ban on calling non-dairy milk, milk, so they put an exclamation mark on instead. For example, almond milk or M exclamation mark LK. You know, I didn't know

that. I believe that's also true of cheese. I don't think you can say vegan cheese anymore. You're correct, Frank. Oh, so do they put, like, C-H and then two threes and then an S and then another three. I think it's called something like vegan-ch. Right. Yeah.

He adds glad M's okay. So are we. Well, yes, after the incident this morning. Yeah, I thought you meant M as in milk. I was very confused by that. This is quite a retro person. I mean, he's very much no longer with us. Can I say, just to share,

I could see Emily literally on her knees in the corridor outside, going perched on any of the wheels. Best moment of your life, seeing me begging for mercy. I felt that the fact that me and Alan were still doing the show was what made you come back in regardless. 100%. The idea that we were getting all the laughs in here. The show must go on.

Well, so, yeah. But I do wonder, and I'm just going to put this out there for you to maybe think about. You've got Sundays you go, isn't it? Just to have a think about how long you would have carried on with me choking a few years oh sorry you don't want an answer yet you know i would have i would have certainly

stood down for sarah champion i don't think we should we get any special i think we would have been like it's like when when um god forbid her majesty, I think we'd have played slow, martial music for most of the... I love the word martial in that thing. So it would have been, yeah. Should that happen? We've never had this discussion, and I hope we don't have to, but can I request Sport Victorian Child by the fall? I don't think we can possibly.

We're having this chat on air. A fun suggestion. Heaven forbid. A fun suggestion. Heaven forbid. A fun suggestion for our moral vegetarian food names. Hi, Frank. This is from Paul the Baggy. I think vegetarians would queue out the door for a Greta Thunberger. Oh, that is really good.

Clever. Clever. Imagine if the meat guy is getting there first to bring one out. The meat! I mean, Don, oh, man. From a farm where the cattle are treated with tremendous cruelty, and they got in and got the Greta Thunberg.

Someone has to get that out quick from the vegetarian community before it's rustled. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. before it's rustled. Daniel Skipsey, he suggested Barry Venison for the meat industry party. Wow, nice. Lovely work. Again, on both levels it works.

Yeah, because it's true. It's almost, you know that thing about nominal... Nominative determinism. Yeah, nominative determin true. It's almost, you know that thing about nominal... Nominative determinism. Yeah, nominative determinism. It's almost like the people with meaty names of people you can imagine really tucking into a leg of lamb. Yeah, so true.

Retired Chelsea and French footballer Frank Leboeuf would be at the meat party. He's getting a lot of mentions this morning. I believe his name. Somewhat over-explaining it, Kieran. You could have just stopped at the meat party. And of course, Paolo Wanchop. Oh, yes, very good.

He'd be there. Lovely friend. Anyway, that's enough football retro. Well, we've had somebody performing what I think is a civic duty here for you, 879. Morning, Frank, the divine Miss M and Alan. Frank was talking about water running out of his car door. There is a hole at the bottom of the car door

so rainwater can flow out. I know this. As a work colleague heard sloshing when she drove anywhere, somebody had to go out to her car, unblock the said hole, and a bucket load of water poured out. That's from Angie. So maybe you've got a blocked rain hole. Unblocked, no.

Oh, because it came out. I see. I always thought that the door flap, that section between the plastic inner and the metal outer door was purely for Japanese and German car workers to put fish in when they're sacked.

You think? Oh, yeah. That used to be the story. That was your classic revenge. You'd sew the prawns in the curtain handles of the adulterer. Or put fish in the door. So you're driving the car and thinking, why is that terrible?

What was the other one? The other one was that you phoned the speaking clock in Tokyo. Tim, I believe. And you do that on Friday when you leave work and leave it off the hook for the whole weekend. There was also a spate of pedigree chump eyes. Oh, that's too much, you see. Other brands probably have the same problem as well, I should imagine.

I once ate at a party. I got down on my hands and knees and ate both cat and dog food from out of bowls. You didn't? I did. Why? Were you showing off? Was this in the days in which you consumed the alcohol? And I had it in my head that I bear, this is what I think, I bear if you actually eat cat and dog food,

it's actually all right. Yeah. It is disgusting. I mean, I should have known it from the breath of these animals. Yes. Yeah. Good point. But, oh, my goodness.

Weirdly, earlier in this show, you were discussing how you didn't like dogs being near you. Yes. But you did eat dog and cat food. I'll eat their food, all right. And the trouble is it wasn't from the tin, it was from the bowl. You're unpredictable. I'll give you that. No, I've changed, that's all. I've evolved.

That's all. You can't throw me things. He's a project. Yeah, exactly. You know, I once on Radio 4 heard a programme about sea anemones. Oh, yeah. And they asked this expert, how do you know whether they're dead or alive? And he said, gross. And that's why I don't eat dog and cat food anymore.

I have grown. I'll tell you what I did. Speaking of animal breath, while I was, this is my last zoo anecdote of the morning. Thanks very much. They were feeding the giraffes. Are they giraffes or is it giraffe? This is a tall story. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my genetic. And they apparently have got the worst breath of all the zoo animals. Oh. It's not such a problem because they have... Nobody knows. Nobody knows, yeah. I don't believe that i bet bears absolutely reek well the thing is with the giraffe they've got one of those

stomachs the food goes down the food comes up again the food goes down the food by the time they actually release it at the back end it's like like tiny rabbit pellets. Is it really? Because they take everything out of it. So that area, that neck, it's like there's an elevator shaft of food going up and down. You see, Frank, it's a shame we're drawing to a close

now because I'd love to know which animal has the worst breath. I'm voting for giraffe. I would like people to text in, please. Not text in, but email us. I do apologise. Anything. I'm intrigued. And giraffe, of course, the only animal

to take the idea of crazy paving and picking up and running with it. Complete outfit. Thank you for listening to us, and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.