The Frank Skinner Show - Gary Bar-low

Episode Date: November 23, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Emily is away so the team are joined by Holly Walsh. This week Frank has performed at the Royal Variety show and shared a dressing room with some surprising people. The team also discuss the new Tottenham manager and cards in hotels.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh is with us this morning. That's for you, that. I love it. Yeah, so you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Come on, guys, why don't you call? Oh, sorry, that's from something else. So, hello, good morning, Holly. Good morning. Good morning, Al, as ever, obviously. God, it's nice to be back. Yes, it's been a while. It's been a long time.

I thought I'd been excommunicated from the show, but somehow you seem to have allowed me back. No, well, there's another woman who sits in. I know, but she might have not been here once in the last four years. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what I thought. I thought, thought i thought holly wolf she's writing motherland she's writing other something else i don't know the name of yeah um which she's been quite about um what's it called game of thrones life but she's yeah but she's uh so i just thought you'd be too busy. That's what I thought.

That's a compliment. Game of Life is a good title for something, isn't it? You can make it like anything. Isn't there a board game? There is one. There's a Game of Life board game. Don't say that on air. You'll make a fool of yourself.

So, yes, it's lovely to have you. Now, now, now, I've got something arrived this morning, which is something that we talked about previously on the show, would you believe? And I've been sent this. As far as I can tell, I've been sent it as a gift. Well, I have been sent it as a gift.

And it's something that we referred to recently with a theatrical connection i don't expect you to get this holly because you don't do the show but i'll give you a clue it's the suit that john sim wore as hamlet you haven't been sent i've been sent that you i have he says he sent it to me because i am a fellow of infinite jest, the guy says. Wow. Eh? I get it. Oh, I get it! Yes.

And actually, he does some pretty good jokes in this card. Can I just run one of them by you? Yeah. He said... I'll get my pencil out. I might be having that. No, I'll tell you there, actually, there's some... I mean, I might feed these throughout the show. We never know, we might be glad of a spine.

A comedy spine. It says... I'm not a stand-up comic, so I don't see any need to have more than one suit. I mean, I can recognise that. He says it's theatre scarred, but what he says, he says, John Sim might have put some weight on since he played Hamlet.

I'm not sure, Toby or not Toby. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. Yeah. I mean, I love it. And there's other, I'll save some of the other jokes, but that is from WH Clark author, it says.

He's got a dot com thing. But that is from WH Clark author, it says. Is it? He's got a.com thing. So they sent you a suit that was worn by John Simms? The story was that this guy was buying, he went to, was it the RSC he went to? I thought it was the Sheffield Crucible or something like that. Oh, well, that makes absolute sense, yeah. And I think he bought a waistcoat with a You Bet patch on it as well. UK Coral Champion, John Parrott.

And so he was looking at these, and they had some really expensive stage things. And John Simms' Hamlet suit was on one of the cheaper rails, so he bought it. So it wasn't like on the last performance John Simm took off his suit and threw it into the audience like footballers at the end of a game? That would have been great and then walked around

with his kids just around the stage. And his wife. Yeah, no I tell you what, I saw Little Richard once live in London and he not only did he take his stage once live in London. And he, not only did he take his stage outfit,

he basically tore it from his own, I mean, he ripped it off. It was like a sort of a very flimsy trouser suit thing. He was wearing tiny mirrors on it. And he ripped it off and threw it into the, so he's just like in his little pants, Little Richard. Can I say? I don't know what they abbreviate Little Richard to, but it would have been apt.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I have received John Simms' Hamlet suit from the Crucible Theatre. It's very exciting. It is exciting. It's a parcel of rice. The master. I mean, I'm not going to be around the bush. It's very exciting. It is exciting. It's a parcel of rice. The master. I mean, I'm not going to breeze around the bush.

It's the master. When I was a kid, my neighbours owned a theatre company. We lived on a farm, so they had this huge storage barn. So much information. You had a farm? Your neighbours owned a theatre company? They had this huge barn, basically, which they kept all their props and stuff in. And they'd bought in an auction

all the costumes from Flash Gordon, the film. Wow. And we were allowed to play with them when we were kids, like going to the barn and just try stuff on, and all the helmets and all the costumes and everything like that. Cool. So I've got all these photos of me as a kid

in all the outfits from Flash Gordon. Did you at any point say, Flash, I love you, but we only have 13 hours to save the universe? Wow. Suzanne Danielle was in that. It was one of my celebrity crushes. Oh, yeah. She never really got past.

That was her greatest achievement, I would say, was being my celebrity crush. She was only a bit part in... What did she play? She played a sort of a slave girl, a beautiful slave girl. You would have seen her outfit. That's your type, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I...

Yeah, I like some hint of oppression. And what else? As the music played, Holly just fired out information like the internet had exploded. And you discovered some celebrity... Yeah, I am obsessed with eBay. Obsessed. I mean, I spend most of my life on there and that's do you focus are doing have children and I should talk to them what's your best purchase ever I well I'm dabbling in

upholstery at the moment oh I didn't want to bring that on you serious about my chairs oh yeah okay what a really nice Art Deco Dua Rapa the other day. But anyway, it's a bit early for that. But I was looking and I found John Inman's estate is being sold on eBay. And it's amazing. There's so many weird things. But one of them was... Can I just say for our...

I think we've got three younger listeners. John Inman was in a popular 70s sitcom called Are You Being Served when he played... I think I can use the word camp. A camp shop assistant. I think so. Whose catchphrase was I'm free. Which is not the catchphrase you want bandied about on eBay.

Right. No, because there were some very clear starting bids that they wouldn't go under. But there was this beautiful... Obviously, at the end of pantomime season, the theatre of someone must have made it for him as a present, a Mother Goose sort of cross-stitched version of the poster with the dates that he'd performed.

And, I mean, I had to really stop myself from buying that because that would be just an amazing... How much was that on it? About £8,000? No, it was on, like, £2.50, which is a lot of money for a John Inman... I mean, you know, I wasn't in town for a John Inman cross-stitch poster, but I really loved it.

I think if one meshes it against the other John Inman cross-stitched pantomime posters I've seen on eBay, it's about average. Yeah, that's what they go for. Yeah. It wouldn't be the most impressive thing on Holly's wall, can I say that? Can I mention what the other thing on your wall that blew my mind? What?

The bus stop thing. Oh, man, yeah, that's amazing. Why don't you tell us? The bus stop thing. Oh, man, yeah, that's amazing. Why don't you tell us? It's your thing. So for my husband's birthday, I got him a live bus stop update. You know, like when you sit at a bus stop... Oh, like the LED things?

Yeah, and so we have it for the bus stop outside our house. That's cool. So we can always get on and off the bus. So I don't know if this is national, but certainly in London, if you're at a bus stop, there is a little screen that tells you what time the 168 is due.

I do find in the provinces that does not exist. I recognise that, but Harley's actually got, I mean, it's not a set, it's a real one. So it's telling you when the bus is. Yeah, it's live. People get lost in it. It is. And it was, it had also, it went for the long game in the way that they don't in the bus stops. One of them said like 44 minutes. Yeah, but then it suddenly jumps to 16.

It's mad. But people, honestly, you're having lunch with people and then you realise they haven't listened to you for about the last four minutes because they've just been staring at the... It's really a tremendous... 171. That's great.

Oh, man. It's brilliant. I can't tell you, I still think about it. That's great. It's brilliant. I can't tell you, I still think about it. I want one. I think everyone does that's hearing this. Just the idea that you think, I don't need to leave the house yet because it'll be here in three minutes.

It's like as if they had timetables of some kind. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I did the I did the Royal Variety performance on Monday Did you? I know it's not the big Royal Story of the Week I was going to say, I haven't heard much about them for a while, how are they doing?

Well it wasn't the Queen, it was it was William and Kate. Was it? Were present. But it was quite a lark I must say. Rod Stewart was due

to be on before me. They said you're on after Rod and Robbie. Did they? And then he cancelled that day. Did he really? That's gutsy, isn't it? Apparently, yeah, Rod Stewart woke up that morning and he hadn't got a sore throat. So he couldn't perform.

Who filled in for him? Who did you call in when Rod Stewart drops out? Well, basically, Robbie just did a song on his own, a Christmas song. Went solo. Yeah. Right. And then later he duetted with Jamie Cullum.

Jamie Cullum, a bloke who I only ever meet at royal events. Is that right? He said, oh, last time I saw you, it was the Queen's 92nd. I said, yeah, I'll see you at the trial. So, we... It's an interesting night. Have you ever been, seen?

I've not been to it. How do you go to it? Or seen it much? What is it? Ballot. How do people get tickets? You can't just buy them, can you? I think you can. The tickets range from £70 to £350.

Right. That's more than Eddie Izzard's charging. Yeah. Which is the new benchmark, isn't it? It is for me. It's one I look up to from well below, can I say. What does £350 get you? That gets you front...

That gets us to sit in the Royal Box. You get front stalls. You can't buy a ticket for the Royal Box for goodness sake. There are other people in the Royal Box. Other? They must be official people. Well, that's the variety in the Royal Variety.

Yes. They've got the Royals and then they have a variety of other people. They've got a prisoner. They've got a working mother who's falling asleep because she's really tired and out for an evening. They've got a guy from Wetherspoons. There's a dog walker.

Yeah. It's like a competition. What about if they had a competition and you could be in the Royal Box with William and Kate? And they could, you know... You had to sit between them. I don't know if that... But on the floor, they had to tell you throughout.

A bit like Gillette Soccer Saturday. They just told you what was going on, but you couldn't actually see it yourself. I'd love that. But it was... You get to share... Well, you have to, unless you're Robbie Williams. You have to share a dressing room.

You've got his own? Oh, yeah, he's got his own. Bit of a lonely night for him. His duet partner drops out and then he's all on his own. No, he's got an entourage. Oh, has he? Also, didn't he live on his own in the desert for quite a while? Robbie Williams?

Oh, that might be Jesus. He did, didn't he? He lived, he was obsessed with the UFOs and stuff. Robbie? Yeah. In America on his own. No, I think that's one of those Wikipedia entries that need citation.

I'm pretty sure he spent some time sort of reclusive living. Exclusive reclusive. Okay, well, someone will know living. Ah. Exclusive reclusive. Okay, well, someone will know that. Yeah. One of his neighbours, maybe, who lived 125 miles away. Yeah.

Well, so I shared with a theatre group who were doing a play called Grown Ups, G-R-O-A-N. They're the people who did the play What Went Wrong. Oh, right. And all that. grown-ups, G-R-O-A-N. They're the people who did the play What Went Wrong. Oh, right. And also, a very nice chap called Alexei. Alexei? Alexei, who was a Russian

contortionist. Right. And for, he's with Cirque du Soleil. He'd be quite good in a crowded changing room, I suspect. He was perfect. I mean, he was... Budge off a bit, he was in the bin for most of the day. I've put a picture of me and Alexei, the contortionist, on Instagram.

As selfies go, it's fairly unusual people really don't you don't see people at school who are really good at doing bridges and bends and stuff like that and say I think you've got a career in I was going to say extortion yeah if you grow up

in Kent I think there's a lot of people in the audience at the Royal Variety who are who've retired to Kent having lived a life of crime

do you think? with their ask no questions wives so that's what the audience looks like they're all in the £360

seats at the front £350 don't think that's actually right they threw a tenner in because they can the £360 seats at the front. £350, don't think that's actually right. Play through a tenner in, because they care. The 360 seats, they spin all the way around. No, it was the last time I did it, I died terribly.

Did you? Yeah, as did Ronnie Corbett and Larry Grayson. We all, I mean, obviously, they have since actually died. But I mean, on the night, I don't mean that. I mean, on the night, yeah, it was... Really? You went back then? Why did you go back?

Well, I've said no for years. And then this year I went back because I don't really have any other work. And also, you've now got your eyes on the prize, i.e. knighthood. Well, well you know we're moving towards that now i'm thinking the house of lords yeah yeah have a nice time with me i mean i'm also into upholstery and that looks pretty good to me now so i just thought you know what it's like you think um i know a dog um always returns to his own vomit, as I think Samuel Johnson said. Is that the phrase?

Is that your opening line when you came back home? I've done this once before, but as they say. No, that would have lost them early. But it was actually quite... I feel like... You know, it was like an unbuttoned pocket on a multi-pocketed winter coat. Yeah. I felt I wanted to go back and press that button.

Right. So I did that. Well, that's good. You've got resolution. You need pleasure. I'll tell you what they have in the shared dressing room, so you have a bit of privacy. They have proper old-fashioned surgical screens,

like you used to see in those old hospital movies. You know those things with, like, pleated grey material? They wheel back to reveal the terrible... I don't know how long they've been in the Palladium, but they look like they're from the 50s. Right. And, like, the contortion goes under that. You can just see, like, you know see his head and his foot sticking above.

He could probably get around that. He could have his feet on the floor and still be looking under or over it, surely. I was talking to Alexei in a corridor, and I'll tell you what he did. He leaned on the wall, and it was a bit awkward where he was leaning, so he put his leg right the way up back above his head

so he could lean on that like a little pillow. It must be very useful to be that. I said to him, if I could do it, I'd be doing it all the time on bosses and stuff like that. What specifically are you talking about? Contortioning. Just generally, you know. When I went into a public toilet cubicle,

I wouldn't open the door. I'd just go underneath. Right. Like a snake. Like Limbo. Oh, I mean, he'd be amazing. He could turn professional. Limbo?

Yeah, totally. Turn professional like he's currently an amateur Limbo guy? No, no, he's making money, I'm sure. The Premier League of Limbo. Yeah, exactly. And we all know what his stage name would be, of course, in the Limbo world. Gary Barlow. I don't he is. Yeah, exactly. And we all know what his stage name would be, of course, in the limbo world. Gary Barlow.

I don't get it. Gary Bar-low. Barlow. I can't wait. I can't wait all day. I'm sorry, I've got other things. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

So, yes, meanwhile, at the Royal Variety Performance Of course I'd say it's somewhat what they pack the dressing rooms with confectionery Oh, did they? I mean, like, there was big bowls of Haribo's and Does that mean they get a royal stamp? Because they were approved by the royals I was just thinking they could fill it up with Prince Charles' biscuits, couldn't they? Yeah, I don't think you'll give them free.

Oh, really? No. It's a bit straight tight. Dutchie. Yeah, the Dutchie. Yes, I think that the slogan is pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side. And it's got somebody passing him, obviously, to their left.

Yeah. I tell you what, I didn't think I haven't done for years. They had... Filled your pockets. They had some big chocolate bars, you know, like proper big, them ones that you get offered for a pound at the airport.

Oh, yeah, if you buy a certain newspaper. Yeah, so really big. And I just picked one up really big. A slab. You know when you bite into chocolate in such a manner that you ignore the cubings? You just bite straight through as if it... And I actually did that.

That noise. And I don't know what happened to me. I think it was because it was a royal event. I just went through the ceiling on it. Did you? Absolutely. Oh, goody. Absolute insanity.

Do you remember that game you used to play as kids? I don't know if you did this, where you'd roll a dice, and if you got a six, and you'd put the gloves on and the hat on and then a scarf, and then you had to try and eat the slab of chocolate with a knife and fork? Oh, yes. That was the best.

Why didn't they do that at more adult parties? Well, I think we stopped playing it when rationing was interesting. And you were already in the hat and scarf because obviously there was no warmth. Exactly, and you try and eat powdered egg with a knife and fork. It's difficult, isn't it? It's nightmarish.

Anyway, so at the end we all go out for the, there's the you all line up together so there's me and Lewis Capaldi and Mabel lined up who's Mabel? Mabel is a

singer she's not just an old lady no no she's a young lady she performed in like a circular thing, which she danced in like an enormous, like a big O, which I thought, that's an ankle snapper there, because she's dancing on the slope part of the time.

I spoke to her about this. Apparently she had to be careful. All right. Anyway, no, they were all nice. They were very nice, the young people. That's good. Yeah, they helped me. No, they didn't.

It was fine. And then you line up and they say, right, now Prince William and the Duchess will be coming now. And I was first in the line-up. Were you? This is a guy who can handle some royals. He'll set the tone. I think they thought, the line-up is so long, we'd better put the old people at the front.

So I was the first one. So Prince William comes out first, taller than I thought. I'll be straight with you. Taller than you'd ever imagined. Yeah, exactly. So he came up to me and said, taller than I thought I'll be straight with you taller than you'd ever imagined exactly so he came up to me and said you know

alright Frank he said alright Frank they're told who you are I think he knew because he started talking about football so I said you know you're supposed

to let them lead but I said this is the first time I've ever shook hands with a Villa fan which he seemed to say alright and he said, you know,

I listen to your song every morning. And I thought, what? He said, George plays your football song every morning. And I was so, every part of me wanted to say, who? But I thought, no, he's assuming, and obviously I do know. So, yeah. Did you say, because we all wake up and stand to attention to the national anthem.

Well, I do most mornings, yes. No, I didn't. Because it's not really his song yet, is it? I think he, no, I said the Bosloff's I Just Can't Wait To Be King, which i imagine he's one of it's your thing what about if we all stood up for him and they played i just can't wait to be king that'd be fun so then um so then kate um kate comes over he was with me a bit too long i think he did that thing he did the bake-off mistake don't eat too much of the first cake because by the time you get to the 19th slice you feel a bit sick but so he's with me quite a bit talking about

uh football and comedy and then he moved on and then and then kate came uh lovely frock i must say i didn't say that to her and she said to me um so is it difficult um go going on um early in the show and i thought meaning yeah what do you mean difficult did it look like it was you know like when you come off stage and the first thing someone goes tough crowd yeah it was amazing it was a bit like that, yeah. And I said, well, no, it was, I said, I find it's good to get on this gig early because they start to dip a bit after four or five hours. And I got the laugh and I thought, that's it, I've got the laugh, you can go now. So then you just turned the music up. Yeah, exactly.

And then off she went to Lewis Capaldi but so that that was it so I also thank Prince William for doing that

it's coming home before the semi-final do you see he did a he did a piece to camera and he said it's coming

oh man so anyway so we mainly talk football so that was my Royal Variety experience how exciting when is it on telly or has it been on telly well I'm hoping it's on before Christmas So anyway, so we mainly taught football. So that was my Royal Variety experience. How exciting.

When is it on telly or has it been on telly? Well, I'm hoping it's on before Christmas as Jamie Cullum and Robbie Williams sang Merry Christmas, Everybody in a swing version. Oh, nice. What will your granny do? What was it?

What will your daddy do when he sees your mummy? Kissing Santa Claus, woo-hoo. It was like that. Sinatra de Slade. Anything's possible at the RVP. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Co cochran holly walsh is with us this morning you can text the show on 8 12 15 follow the show on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio email the show for the absolute radio website have we actually had any contact from you there's a couple um in fact i think you've inadvertently started a text in 033 good morning Mr Frank hello Holly how do cockerel anyway funny you should play step on Frank you played Dr Feelgood earlier as you used to request it in nightclubs I used to request step on in clubs back when I was a student in Liverpool in the early 90s banging track and that's that's Nugget. OK, you see, I don't know if people actually request tracks in clubs anymore. That's a great question.

Would people go up to the DJ now and they'd say stuff like, can you play Back in the Night by Dr Feelgood? Stuff exactly like that. I reckon that young people also have the power. They probably ask for Beyonce these days. Yeah, but they young people also have the power they probably ask for Beyonce these days yeah but they're used to having the power

of controlling everything they listen to so my kids like when they watch television they say you seem a long way from the microphone

I was trying to do that with a gesture but you just looked at me like I was having a turn I thought you were saying get on with it no I wasn't I'd never say that to you

yeah right HW homework yeah hot water oh you said it um no sorry continue please just you try and explain to like we go to see my parents they don't have fancy tv you know they don't have netflix and stuff what on the farm on the farm yeah and they uh they don't understand that you can't just watch that television show that you want to watch, that you have to just see whatever's on the box. It's mind-blowing when children don't understand.

We stayed in a bed and breakfast once. My kids couldn't get to grips with the idea that they couldn't pause the telly. Now, it's... What a world. Do they have two red setters sleeping by a log fire? My children. No, your parents. At the farm. I always find there's dogs by a fire at a farm.

Yeah, no, we do have a dog, yeah. It's got... It stinks. Oh, yeah, that happens. It's one of those stinky dogs. Yeah. On a farm, that's fine, though, isn't it? No, it's not.

It's not fine. There's a point... My sister On a farm, that's fine, though, isn't it? No, it's not. It's not fine. There's a point, my sister had a dog, which it was like an acid attack when you went into their house. I honestly used to bring tears. I could feel it in the back of my throat, the smell of it. It wasn't just in the nose. It would fill the whole head like Vic Vaporub. The smell of the dog?

In fact, that was the name of the dog, Vic Vaporub. No, it wasn't. The smell of the dog is unbelievable. Anyway, look, I've had a lovely letter from James Rose.

Is that a James Cracknell soothing him? Because James Rose, obviously. James Cracknell, you know who that is? Yeah. James Rose.

Something that could be said. James Rose. Something that could be said. Oh, he rose. Yes, okay. Oh, got it. No, so James Rose, R-O-S-E, he's from the Council for British Archaeology. Oh, careers in ruins. And he said, brilliant.

Oh, I love it. All jokes. That's great. That was shovel ready. And he said, I've listened with an interest to your enthusiasm for all things Anglo-Saxon over the last few weeks. Quite a week. This week I just did the Anglo-Saxon horde in Birmingham. Quite a week.

Yeah. But yeah, he was, we were... To tell you what, I went... I was at... I was at Barmbra Castle up in Northumberland and there was an archaeological dig ongoing and just looking at it gave me a bit of a tingle, I must say. Really? I had to get a trowel.

Can you write that down, Sarah? Get trowel on my to-do. I did archaeology A-level. Well, you should be a member of the Council for British Archaeology. Yes. And I speak to you as member number 293140, which I now am. No way. Yes.

And he said you can have a possible texting for the show. What are your top hordes? Well, that's all right as long as the reception is perfectly clear. Well, I've seen a few hordes. I've seen the Staffordshire. I saw the Galloway Horde recently, which is mainly Viking silver. I'm worried about this on car radios. I'll tell you, it's going to be fine.

If the Galloway Horde is listening. No, it's... So that's fantastic. I have already put the membership card in my wallet and that's it. You'll use it to get into exclusive clubs.

Yeah. Nightclubs. Exactly. Can you dig it? It'll be cold and stuff like that. Yeah. What's that posh place that all the royals go to?

Bijou. Bijou. I don't know that one. Tramps they used to go to. Tramps. Do I remember that? Do I ever know where the bar is we're talking about?

No. No, obviously not. But it's pretty low, I'll tell you that much. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. But it's pretty low, I'll tell you that much. Holly, you haven't been on the show for ages. What's happening in your crazy life? I'm living mainly in a hotel now.

I'm sorry to hear that. You always seem so happy with your partner. I know, I'm'm filming in Manchester so I'm living in a hotel and it's really weird what are you filming? a sitcom is that all you're prepared to say about it? no it's called The Other One and it's based

well we're filming it in Manchester but it's really weird are you in it? no I'm wrote it you in it? No, I'm direct... Well, I wrote it. Come on, you can't go on direct. Nice. But I... But you're not in it?

No, I can't act. Oh. No, nothing. There's a lot of people that still do anyway. Yeah, because if you've written it, I play Johnny Cash. I mean, who would have cast that? Good point. You, you cast that.

Yeah, I cast it. Well, that's my point. Once you've written that. Yeah, I cast it. Well, that's my point. Once you've written it, you can be in it if you like. I didn't come into this business to be behind camera. So you were about to say you directed it. I directed a bit of it, yes. It's been really fun. I mean, God, you're all over it like a rash.

That's exactly what I like to be. A rash on my own projects. But I, the weird thing about living in a hotel, I've like basically become Alan Partridge. I know all the stuff, I know the kind of day routine, everything like that. How long have you been there?

I've been in this place for two weeks, but the previous place I was in for six, seven weeks. That's a long time in a hotel, isn't it? Yeah, but the other day I was in the sort, seven weeks. That's a long time in a hotel, isn't it? Yeah. But the other day I was in the foyer bit and there were loads of millionaire shortbreads. Oh, nice. And things laid out. So I ate some.

And it turns out they were there for a corporate event. But I thought they were just sort of there for the general, you know. Yeah, yeah. People... Passers-by. So I was eating them and then they took them and took them into the main room

where all the businessmen were waiting for them. But it's just... They had your DNA on them. No, because I didn't just take one bite from each of them. Okay. Lick it and put it back on the plate.

That's better. I wasn't like, I'm going to eat a bite of this entire platter. When you ate them, did you go... I think millionaire shortbread cakes should rename themselves in the current financial climate.

I think... Well, I don't. I don't see the problem with it. Isn't there one that's called billionaires? Isn't there a... There is. There is, yeah. I can't, I don't know. Is that American billionaires or English billionaires? Oh, that's called Billionaires? Isn't there a shop that does... There is, yeah. I can't, I don't know.

Is that American Billionaires or English Billionaires? Oh, that's a good point. Oh, yeah. It's that thing of eating something that's not yours to eat. It's, you know, this is quite an appreciating experience. I once had a burger and chips in the wings at a gig and I put it down and had finished... Actually, it can't have been me.

It must have been somebody else's food, because I always finish everything. But there was some food on a plate and I saw a bloke walk past, look at it, look around and just help himself to a chip off a plate in a pub. And we talked about it and you've said that you do it in hotel lobbies don't you?

In corridors yeah because some people they put the tray outside the door and you'll just have a and it's just chip I don't mean I wouldn't eat something

with a mouth piece what if I if it's like a trumpet or a trumpet I'd tear I wouldn't eat directly from the mouth where the mouth

is bitten but I would go maybe So if there was a passed out man in the corridor and he had some chips in his mouth he wouldn't eat those? No I wouldn't that would be too much

But in the bowl adjacent to him they're up for grabs No I think and also often often you get in a hotel corridor you'll get a random chair. It'll just be somewhere. And you'd eat that?

No. But I'd sit in that while I ate food from the floor. Someone comes out of their room to pick up the room service that they've asked to be left outside the door. And they find Frank Skinner eating their dinner. In a chair. Oh, I'm in the room. Do you mean wheelchair or just chair?

No, they just have chairs that randomly, as if people are walking along a hotel corridor and think, oh, dearie me, I'm going to have to have a sit down. Lockerly, someone's put a chair here. Often by lifts. So you can sit down when you're waiting for the lift. But yeah, I think waste not want not. You know, people in the third world, etc.

So I, yeah, I go in. I was a house... We should move on, shouldn't we? We'll come back to it. What? That sounded like you started. You're a house. You're very hard on yourself. Okay, you're a bit bigger than you are now.

We've had a few text messages in that I'd like to bring to your attention. 646 has messaged, Hi Frank, I'm working as a volunteer at a dig in Cambridgeshire where we're excavating an Anglo-Saxon hall and associated buildings. We're always on the lookout for more volunteers if you have spare time.

That's from Tony. I always wonder... Sounds like he's Tony one there. Oh, you're right. I, um... When they have volunteers, isn't that an enormous risk? In case they're just a rubbish.

I was a volunteer on Time Team. But you have to top all my stories. Yeah, yeah. I've done the Royal Variety performance. I was a digger. I dug. I had a trowel the royal variety performance i was a digger i dug i like had a trowel and whatnot when i was a teenager on a medieval tannery in plymouth near plymouth and do they leave you more or less to just go for it um no no they regulate you very very carefully do they say there is also a lot admin? I was sort of put on the corner

where they knew nothing was. You know, because I was just, I was a body. I was just digging away with a brush and a, my little brush. Did you get a thorn? What's a thorn?

A thorn is what? I don't know what a thorn is. Yeah, well, well then you know the answer. Oh really, is it that? On things like, if they get a very finely detailed thing with Cylon, they'll use a thorn to clear those bits out

because a thorn is not too hard. It has a sort of natural softness, so you won't do any damage to the artifact. Surely if you nibbled your nail and then you bent it up, that would do the same thing? Yeah, but a lot of people aren't prepared to do that. What, nibble their own nails? Well, a lot of archaeologists don't really have nails.

They're so worried about the digs going and stuff. I disagree. I think a lot of archaeologists have long hair and fairly long nails. Sort of dirty nails, you're thinking. Yeah, like guitarists with long thumbnails. Oh, yeah. If we were to get all the archaeologists in Britain and just clean their nails,

then we'd probably find out a whole load of information about the Anglo-Saxons we didn't previously have. You'd probably find pewter jugs, a couple of gold coins, a hairpin. There'd be filigree. There's always filigree. On a similar note, 700 has texted, surely with Frank's love of history,

there's a BBC4 series in it, Frank Skinner's National Treasures. Oh. It's a great title. That is a good idea, isn't it? It is actually a good idea. That is your agent just texting that in. Yeah.

Yeah, but, yeah. Maybe if you'd have suggested that ten years ago. We'll play a long song and write it up into a treatment, yeah? It'd be really funny if you excavated national treasures. Like, as in, you dug down and Stephen Fry got out. Kenny Everett's in there. No, not late.

I mean, like... Oh, I see. This is literally me. You've made it macab like... Oh, I see. It doesn't literally mean... I don't mean... You've made it... I don't mean... You've made it macabre. Of course I have. That's what you've done.

Accidentally. It was light-hearted, and now it's macabre. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, I got a letter from Paul. I did Glasgow this week. I mean, I got a letter from Paul. I did Glasgow this week.

I mean, I did stand-up there. And it was very lovely. And Paul is a Glasgow Celtic supporter who have always been my sort of second team. So I think it's all right to have a second team in a different country. been my sort of second team because i think it's all right to have a second team in a different country uh-huh um and um so he's uh he sent me um a book about celtic which looks really good and also he sent a celtic shirt for buzz with buzz on the back which is pretty brilliant very kind

um you know good catholic family yeah Yeah, I was going to say. Can you say that? Yeah. So, yes, thank you very much for that, Paul. And we'll now all sing the Hail Hail. No, we better not. Not sure I will. No, probably not.

Yeah, but when you know the history, it is enough to make your heart go, Whoa! Which always sounds like it might be a bit unpleasant because when my heart goes, that's generally trouble. Ahoy. Anyway, what else?

I once saw a man in a Q Costa or one of those super chains. There was one of those bowls of coffee beans, you know, like proper coffee beans, in a cup where it's supposed to put your tips in it. You know, you're supposed to... It was said, like, tips on the side. But they'd obviously recently emptied it,

so there's just the coffee beans in it. And he took a massive handful of them and put them in his mouth and knocked in front of the whole queue. Everybody watched him. And he went through with it. He chewed. He kept chewing and he swallowed it. Good man. He must have had like black teeth

and stuff. He styled it out. They're hard. They're chewing gravel. He absolutely, he bought, he just, he didn't he didn't back down. Absolute result. But everyone knew that he wasn't like it. So what did he gain by that? Nothing. He's just his self-respect, I suppose,

for himself. He's gained something now, after the event, because I think he's a legend. He probably hasn't slept for the last 11 years. Yeah, he's really achieved. He's started his own business.

He's got seven kids. Going back to your hotel life, which is fairly unusual. Yeah. See, I found I lived in a hotel for six weeks once doing filming. And a hotel that you start thinking is brilliant, you start finding all the things that aren't brilliant if you're there that long. And, God, the room service menu gets a bit. But anyway, I checked into the Malmaison in Glasgow this week.

You know the Malmaison? Yeah. And very nice hotel. And others are available, I admit. But do they have a picture of Napoleon over reception? I don't think so. And often you get a card. Now, at your hotel, did you get a card when you moved in,

sort of from the management saying, welcome? No, but I think that's because you're really famous. I don't think normal people get cards from the managers. Don't they? You do sometimes. I think people get... Some hotels, yeah. I think people do. Oh. I don't think that's true sometimes I think people get some hotels yeah I think people do I don't think

that's true I think I think it happens did the manager come down and shake your hand and offer a selfie because he does that

with every one of the guests no no I don't get that but I thought you often get a card that says I've had it happen I don't know

you know my problem is I can't remember being not famous that's what they call a good problem to have though isn't it? Do you check in under a pseudonym? I do I can't really tell you what it is but I

don't think it's worth it nowadays but my tour manager was very keen I went for the pseudonym Sue Denim That's the name The woman who invented Denim So I check Sue Denim. That's the name. It's the woman who invented Denim. So I check in as Lewis Capaldi just so people don't come trying to get into the room.

But anyway, I got a card. I'll tell you in a minute why it was a bit special. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. So I checked into I'm really shocked that not everyone gets a card when they check into a hotel

I think it depends on the calibre of the establishment ok I mean my travel lodge had no card last night I'll tell you right now none well ok so I hope John Simm gets a card when he checks in. Simm card.

Okay. So I've got, welcome to Malmé. This is what it says on the card. Welcome to Malmé's on Glasgow, Frank. Frank's in different colour. So they've gone two colours on the pens. Oh, nice. They've gone high-vis on the Frank.

I think it's like when you copy and paste an email and then you put it back in and it slightly changes the font and really gives away that that wasn't written. Well, wait till I show you. You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. Go for it. As I once said to Geoff by cop. If you need anything,

please feel free to call reception by dialing 0. Have a lovely stay. The Mal team. Okay. If you need anything, please feel free to call reception by dialing 0. Have a lovely stay. The Mal team. OK. And then they've done a drawing of me on the car. They haven't. They definitely don't get that.

Normally people don't get that. It would be hard to draw all the guests. You'd have to go rooting around on Google Images. Yeah. People might think it was an invasion of privacy. You hide one of those court drawers who have to quickly knock up a picture. In pastels. Always in pastels.

You have to have a police guy in a white shirt speaking as well. Do you know I met one of those once? I think I've told this story before on here but I met a woman standing outside a law court doing one of those once. I think I've told this story before on here, but I met a woman standing outside a law court doing one of those drawings. And I said, oh, God, you're a court artist.

Brilliant. I've always been amazed by court artists and all that. And I said, how come you're not inside doing it? She said, we're not allowed to draw in court. She said, that's why there's so few of us. You have to have a photographic memory. So you have to sit in there, really stare at the person and then go out and draw them.

But you know when they do famous people who we all know who they look like and then they do the drawing, it makes you think, I don't think they're very good. Right. Yeah, but if you think they're doing it from memory. Well, I mean, like, yeah, sure. Just take that back is what I'm saying. It's very defensive over the

court artists. Yeah, I think. You know what I mean? It's easy to sit there and condemn art in its various manifestations. I didn't get a letter or a card when I moved in. I'm in a basement. I've got a floor in the basement. Stop going so far from the mic.

I'm sorry. I don't want to over... She's a director now. She's not used to... That's why she's wary, wary of performance. I didn't... I'm in a basement room, so there isn't... I'm underground. I'm in a subterranean hotel room. You've been in there for two weeks?

Mm-hm. With no windows? There's a tiny ray of light that comes from a sort of... A Madonna song. There's like a... You know you know like basement windows when they i guess it's sort of like um a glass tiles in the pavement oh goodness me would that bother you i wouldn't want to be subterranean for that long i don't think two weeks yeah because sometimes they warn you about this when you check in. Did they mention it at the check-in? No, but I've grown very tall and thin towards the light

in a slightly different way, like a science experiment. And when they play music, do you dance a little bit? Like those plastic flowers. Oh, I know, I wouldn't want to be on the ground. They didn't warn me, they just said it was a quiet room. I was staying in an inexpensive, like, just a standard... Card? Hotel.

No cards, no figs, no chocolates, nothing. Oh, wow. And, I mean, I was checking in on a Friday evening, it was a few weeks ago, and I was checking in at, like, 8 or 9pm, and I said, oh, I've got to leave early in the morning. She said must warn you this room has no window it's in the basement and I thought I'm only going to be here at night what did she think you were going to wake up according to daylight maybe she thought this guy obviously wants some natural light into his room yeah but it's a weird

thing that sometimes hotel owners or hotel staff seem to warn you if there is no window. I think some people would be really freaked out. There's definitely people with claustrophobia. One of the ways that I made my way onto this show is by telling a story about how I once checked into a hotel room that didn't have a bed in it, but nobody warned me about that. I see that as a much more crucial part of a hotel room. I imagine they get a lot of submariners

stopping in that room before you. You're probably the first director. But see, as a director, you know you can call yourself an underground director. That is good. It'll be like being Louis Bunuel. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh is with us this morning I love having a sting It's great isn't it? Alan's got one as well Alan's got a couple well Alan's got a couple he's got this one I actually thought there was going to be

a cockerel one there no I think there is a cockerel one somewhere I've become kung fu fighting guy instead I can't

that's fine I can't see it anyway I'll do one for you that's good it's not bad that sounded like a door opening he does all the not bad. That sounded like a door opening.

He does all the voices. On a cartoon. It was a cock opening a door. In an old castle. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Castle Cock. So that is a real place in Wales.

So you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Have we put a picture of my hotel card on Instagram? Have we? I think we have. I've gone crazy this morning. I've gone very social media.

So, and now over to our football correspondent, Holly Walsh. It's been a big week in football. You are. As you can see. Have you got a lip mic you can use for this bit? What's a lip mic? You know those ones that cover your mouth that they always hold in front of the goal? Well, obviously somebody got a big promotion.

Mourinho got the Tottenham job. What do you think about it? Well, it was a big deal in our house because my, I don't know if you're aware, but my seven-year-old son, Boz, he supports Tottenham. And he met Pochettino. First thing I thought was that Boz's key ring is now obsolete. He's got a key ring picture of him with Poch. Oh, has he?

And also he's got a Spurs programme in which Pochettino wrote on it very fabulously. To Boz, my best friend is you, Maurizio Pochettino, which I love. He did really help him out during his divorce I also think with his drink thing he just used to phone boss sometimes at like 3 o'clock in the morning he was like his mentor so he did

and obviously if anyone's nice to your child as we all know you then think they're great people so I was a bit I was a bit sad If anyone's nice to your child, as we all know, you then think they're great people. Oh, my gosh. So I was a bit sad. And when I read one of the recent... I read around it, someone said, yeah, apparently he'd become...

One of the journalists said, he'd become a very sulky presence at the training ground. I thought, yeah, well, Mourinho would never, never allow that interesting change. Mourinho would never, never allow that. Interesting change. Mourinho in the press conference reminded me of me for a moment. I don't know if you saw any of his press conference, but he said to him, I may not be smiling because we have a match in two days,

but deep down I'm very happy. That's what he said. And I thought, I think that's the impression I give people, like that I'm unhappy. But actually it's just that I've people, like, that I'm unhappy, but actually it's just that I've got stuff to do in two days. Yeah. I've got a train to catch later, so I've not smiled that much this morning.

I'm always a little bit preoccupied with the next thing. No, it's a thing. Does that make sense? I mean, obviously I've got used to it now. I used to just think you were surly. But, yeah, I don't know. People say to me sometimes in the street, strangers will say, come on, cheer up, Frank.

Right. You can't walk, if you walk around smiling, people will be alarmed. I've got a gig in two days, I'm thinking about it. Well, I always think about saying sorry, but, you know, my uncle Dave's just, you know, just perished in an automobile, just to put them on the spot

and to teach them a damn good lesson about saying that. People need that lesson. I think they do. It'd be a civic duty you were doing that. The other thing you could do is, if you do feel like you need to look happier, just think about that handwritten Malmaison card that you got sent.

Yeah. And then a smug look of superiority will pass your face. See, I honestly thought everybody got a card. That's been my revelation. Every day is a school day. And I honestly thought everyone that went... I mean, maybe not in your basic hotels. Are you like...

But everybody gets a car with a chauffeur to work. What about... I once was playing football in Saint-Tropez and I was on the beach, they built a pitch on the beach and I was supposed to play against the 94 Brazil World Cup winning team. 94 people on one team is quite a lot. Yeah, and one of them didn't turn up, so there's only 93. So Robbie Williams did a double set.

So they chose me to play in that. So I played for Brazil against a celebrity, and they kept trying to set me up to score, and I kept missing. It was really embarrassing. But at the end of it, they all got into a people carrier, and I got into a Rolls Royce. And they couldn't believe it. There was people like

Kaka and you know a proper famous footballer. They were looking through the windows at me and I was waving out at them. I knew that wasn't the normal thing. Can I just say that? Whilst you're eating chocolate or whatever I'm not eating is I'm not eating

You've got a giant kilogram of chocolate and you're ignoring the brakes I'm not eating, that isn't true I will just say this I did only watch like five minutes of Jose Mourinho's press conference but there was an interesting moment in it quite early on

where he said I can't really do this press conference without giving credit to Pochettino. And he said some nice things about him. And then he said, and we at the club and myself, any time that he wants to return, he can. If he's missing the players or the staff or the training ground, he can if he if you know if he's missing the the players or the staff or the or the training ground he can just come in i thought well that'd be pretty weird for him though wouldn't it because

he's just been sacked by them well they say that when it's unlikely to happen when bill shankley retired from liverpool apparently um when the players got in for the next season, Bob Paisley had then become manager. When they got in, Bill Shankly was there at the training ground. Just, you know, and he'd just come in because he thought, well, I might as well just go in and out with the training. Really sort of awkward. Was Bill still here?

Bill's still here? I always think that about Fergie just hanging around Man U. I mean, I know he's on the board and stuff. No, I know. Fergie's become like, you know when you're at, I was at Polytechnic, but Polytechnic University, and there's that guy who still goes to the student bar after he's left. That's what Fergie's like. I'm not suggesting he's on the pool for one second.

No. But, yeah. You've gone there. I think it's because he's such a good luck charm, maybe. But no wonder everybody's so worried. I would just sell his seat. What if he turned up and they said, no, we've sold that seat, mate.

Oh, dear. He'd go purple. I'm going to miss Pochettino. I have a bit of a crush on him. He knows how to wear a scarf. Hmm. It's not that complicated, though, is it? No, but he looks good in knitwear.

All right. You don't think... He looks good in wool. You don't think Mourinho's a good-looking man? I do think Mourinho's quite good-looking, but he's... I think he's aging well. He's quite... He's very sort of... he's gone grey quite quickly. Not that I have a problem with going grey, but...

Thanks. You haven't really gone grey. Oh. That's an awkward moment in the studio. You're not as grey as Mourinho. You know about the argument I had with my partner in an apartment in Paris when she said to me, what colour was your hair originally? I said, well, you can still see the original.

She said, no, I can just see grey. I said, what are you talking about? Bear in mind, this was about ten years ago, so it was less grey than it is now. I said, you can see it, can't you? And she said, no, it's just grey. And I said it isn't you can see She's got her head in her hands about this dialogue This wasn't an argument about

me ageing, it was an argument about you know, just perception and I became slightly alarmed by the fact that she seemed to have lost touch with reality. Anyway, we sat and we agreed, over much discussion, we agreed at the wording of a text, which I then sent to three friends, which said, what colour is my hair? And we got replies from all three

and they said, well, you know, it's sort of mousy blonde with quite a bit of grey in it and stuff. I said, there you are. Anyway, I got so alarmed. I said, look, I don't think we should sleep together tonight because I'm worried you're going to put a knife between my shoulder. And then she ended the relationship there and then.

So it was a very difficult night based on exactly that. Is this an ex-partner or your current partner? This is my current partner. We made up. So you dyed your hair and you're back together. That's exactly what happened. You did a Paul McCartney

and just dyed your eyebrows and your hair. Does Paul McCartney? He doesn't anymore. Breaking news on Absolute Radio. Yeah, he went purple as well. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was listening to some of these Jose Mourinho bits.

The special one. Yes. That's what I call mine. And one of his things, this is actually what he said to the mine. And he, one of his things, this is actually what he said to the players. He said, I will be your father, friend, girlfriend, whatever you want. Isn't that a George Michael lyric?

Is it? I will be your father. I hope he sang that. And then the whatever you want bit, he did, played it in a nightclub, whatever you want. What if did play to the night and Rico said, whatever you want. What if this is the new light-hearted... He was just doing a pop mash-up.

But it's quite a big... I wonder if a player put his hand up and said, will you be our mother as well, boss? No, your mother. I want to be your mother. That's too much responsibility. Yes, too far. But yes, I think he's changed his image, hasn't he? Well, I think he's had to downgrade his arrogance.

Oh, yes. Yeah. He seems, he's used the word humble, he's used the word mistakes. Has he? Yeah, I think this is Mourinho 0.02, is that what they call it? 2.0. 2.0. Surely it's Mourinho 2.2.

Very good. Can I ask? That's awful when you do a joke. Nobody laughs, but people go, oh, yes, good one. Yeah. It's better than people. It's like family Christmases for me all over again. Isn't it better than, hmm?

Good effort. Better than... Good effort. He also said that he will wear Spurs pyjamas in bed. Did he? He did, yeah. Both top and bottom, did he get specific? He didn't. I think he's not like me, who just wears a pyjama jacket.

You don't wear bottoms? No, I don't wear. You just wear a top. And interestingly, I just wear the bottoms. So Frank and I could go halves on a pair of pyjamas. Yeah, me and Al are like Jack Spratt and his spouse. I don't think Mourinho wears merch in bed. I think he wears David Gandhi for M&S.

I wear David Gandhi for M&S. David Gandhi sent me a shipload of free pants and stuff. What, personally? Yeah. He said, I can't fit these anymore, but you're the same physique as me. There was a handwritten card from David. Doesn't everyone get the disease what he's like?

You know when you go to M&S and David Gandy meets you and shows you his collection? Well, someone said to me, they've sent you some of Gandy's underwear. I thought, surely that should be in a museum somewhere in Mumbai. They're probably selling it next to John Simms' suit. Yeah. John Slim, as the man called him,

and he said, went after after he tried the trousers on oh he did a lot of body size humour in this letter what do you think he wasn't telling the truth about the pyjamas I don't think he's sleeping in merch I bet Tony Pulis

sleeps in the pyjamas of whatever Tony Pulis wears more he's like club shop sweep. He does. I reckon. If Dale Winton, God bless him, was still alive,

he would have took Tony Pulis around the shop with a trolley. I reckon he still wears like Crystal Palace ones from a few years ago because they're perfectly good condition.

Yeah, but he's always loaded with club shop. I always said that what I'd love to see is the Tony Pulis family night fishing, and you'd see more club shop managers, coats, garbs, oh, man, it's all there. Whereas he's not really so much of a merch man, Mourinho.

He's often the nice suit and stuff. But you know the classier the club, the less the merch looks like merch oh you know it looks like a really nice jacket and then you

look closely and it's got like a Liverpool yeah see I like I like the Tottenham sort of those purple purple track suits with the slightly different

the black chicken it looks a bit different on it oh okay sorry my son calls the Tottenham badge The Black Chicken, so we've sort of stopped. It sounds like an evil group. Euphemism for depression.

I've had a visit from The Black Chicken. When Tottenham lose, The Black Chicken. Oh, well, I think he's been around too much this season, eh? Oh, OK. I could do that again, Steve. Live. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Mourinho has taken a slightly firmer line

in some of his man-managements. I read on the back of a paper today, apparently he went up to Dele Alli and said, are you Dele Alli or are you his brother? And Dele Alli said, I am Dele Alli. And Marino said, well, play like him then. That's funny. Oh. That's a bit of dialogue that was in the newspaper.

That sounds like something that's gone through Google Translate. It does, doesn't it? Also, I don't think he calls himself Deli Ali anymore. I think he calls himself Deli. Oh, well, he's made a terrible faux pas in his new role, and he should speak to HR and find out what the actual names are of people. His full name is Delicatessen. Well, he kept getting calls asking for sun-dried tomatoes.

You know, like they have Chip Shop Ali in Cardiff or whatever it's called. Chip Ali, yeah. Alicatessen. Well, he kept getting calls asking for some dried tomato, so he took chances. You know, like they have Chip Shop Ali in Cardiff or whatever it's called. Chip Ali, yeah. Chip Ali, yeah. Deli Ali. Well, I think he... It's a posh version. I mean, I think the truth is he... There's some...

I think there's some... He didn't fell out with his dad or something like that, so he decided. And Deli, who else is it going to be? You don't need... It's true. It's like Elvis don't need you know it's true it's like Elvis or something

anyway that is more like the old Mourinho yeah to start like that by the way does he wear will he wear the club

pyjamas or the club pyjamas because I'm really confused that people call him Jose instead of

Jose is that a Portuguese Spain difference I'm really confused that people call him Jose instead of Jose. Is that a Portuguese-Spain difference? Yes, I think it is. So he should be Jose Mourinho, that's correct. I believe so. Not Jose Mourinho. I'm not fluent in Portuguese. You're not?

Except for the odd jiu-jitsu terminology. Well, I should have phoned my friends in the 1994 Brazil World Cup. Yeah, exactly. You'd have been ahead. But where do you get the Mourinho from? Because isn't it just like Marino? Yeah. Why do we say Mourinho?

A bit Mourinho looks good in it, right? Yeah, very good. I like that. I like the way... I actually don't get that either. Merino wool. Oh, right. Come on.

Where have you got a merino wool? Didn't Mr Merino hand write you a note saying, enjoy the jumper? Everyone gets that, right? The sheep came to thank you for wearing them. I went to Tottenham Arsenal on Sunday in the Women's Super League. And it was great.

Was it? It was a fabulous day out. 38,000 people at White Hart Lane. Wow. Did you go, Holly? No. Why? Why should I? Just because I'm a woman?

Yeah. I don't need to say every women's event I have to turn up to. It might be a bit better than we talk about football and you just talk about fancy and Maurizio Pochettino. Come on, times have changed. I made a great joke about Pulis' past clubs, so back up. Did you? I don't know.

You said he wears all the merch, and I said he was probably wearing merch from previous clubs that he played at. And I named a club that he'd managed. Look, I'm not suggesting... I know you have the football credentials. I know, but you just patronised me there. Yeah. What's your problem with that?

Little lady. Anyway, it's been great having you on the show. See you in four years. Well, don't count on that. Stay underground, that's my advice. Yeah, and it was brilliant. And I'll tell you something, we went in hospitality, obviously, and they had face painting.

Nice. It's called make-up. That's what ladies do. You call it that. But ladies do you call it that but let's just call I believe in calling

a spade a spade it's face paint so Boz had the black chicken on his cheek cool and then they

had free they made personalised t-shirts you had a little video which they

then sent I mean it had everything and I never felt like I was going to get glassed at any stage which I always get I always get

at least some stage in a men's football game it was a beautiful day and a good game so what about that great review put it on the posters beautiful day

yeah so I'm thinking I might start I tell you what I didn't feel so bad about cheering for Tottenham's women's team as I do for the men's team. They didn't feel like a direct rival to the West Bromwich Albion men's team. So there was many, so many pluses.

Probably similar standard as well. Well, I know... Actually, that was really disrespectful to the Tottenham's women's team. Yeah, I think patron disrespectful to the Tottenham's women's team. Yeah, I think Paxsonite was the original one. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. By the way, I was sent a book called The Christmas Present. So thanks for that.

By Alexander McCabe. Oh, yeah. It started there, hasn't it? Oh, the Christmas presents for kids and all. We'll briefly discuss... That's really squishy, isn't it? Sorry, I find it quite exciting. I haven't had my first Christmas lunch yet, can you believe it? You haven't?

No, I usually have my first before the end of November. You haven't? No, I usually have my first before the end of November. Apparently Richard E. Grant eats Christmas pudding all year round. Where's he getting them? Because I eat them. He buys them during the Christmas period. They don't go off and he eats them all year round. That's funny you should mention that

because I've been buying them every time I've done a supermarket shop for about, I don't know, two months. So I've probably had, I don't know, maybe four or five microwaved supermarket Christmas puddings already. Do you love them that much? I really like them, but also it's one of the few bits... I think he's just hoping there'll be coins in them. I wish.

It's one of the few bits of food reheating that I get worried about. You know a lot of people are like oh you can't have leftovers and there's something about Christmas pudding that makes me worry about microwaving it twice. Oh no I warm it up a dozen times. Oh do you? And it's fine. Well look

I don't want anyone listening and then coming back and saying I've got salmonella up a dozen times. Oh, do you? And it's fine. Well, look, I don't want anyone listening and then coming back and saying, I've got salmonella from a Christmas pudding. No, it's not advice. But I've ended up with a really weird habit where I'll eat, you know, I'll buy one of the Christmas puddings that's for four. Nobody else in the family really likes it.

Oh, really? So you're basically buying yourselves Christmas puddings every time you go out? Yeah, and I sometimes give my wife like a token amount and she won't really enjoy it, but I'll have the sort of... So I'll have like a Christmas pudding portion for like two people and then the next day I'll go back and I'll think, I don't want to microwave it again.

So I've started to do it in the wok the day after. You are joking. Yeah, in what I think is real fusion cooking. With needles and beansprouts. Yeah, that's exactly it is real fusion cooking. With noodles and bean sprouts. Yes, that's exactly it. A bit of hoisin. No, I've been doing it in the wok, just reheating the actual pudding. It's not happy mid-stir.

But I think if you've got issues with reheating it in the microwave, reheating it in the wok is the same principle. It's the reheation. I don't know why it would have got like that. It's a straight, because I'm one of those people that eats food, like I had pate that was two weeks out a day, not that long ago. I'll eat a four-month-old prawn, sure. Good for you, yeah.

I'll eat a prawn for someone's room service, we'll love it. I think because I'm on tour, I've got more careful about that. Oh, right. Because they always think, you know, they say the thing about don't eat shellfish on a shooting day. Is that what they say? That's what Prince Andrew told me. It's just a normal shooting weekend. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so I'm... Oh, by the way, speaking of... It's Doctor Who's birthday today, so that's... Is it? What a lovely day to get John Simms' suit. It's perfect. Which Doctor Who's birthday today. Is it? What a lovely day to get John Simms suit. It's perfect. Which Doctor Who's birthday? No, the series.

Oh, the actual Doctor. The series began. Oh, I see, the series. So it's 56 today. Happy birthday, Doctor Who. Happy birthday, as you say. I don't say that. You do, though.

Happy birthday. You say birthday. Happy birthday. Well, I don't think I do say that. I think you say that. You do, though. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Well, I don't think I do say that. I think you should be. You know when people do impressions of Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday, Mr President? I think you should be the new upgrade on that.

I like the idea of you singing JFK Happy Birthday. Well, maybe I can sing it to the president of the geological council. Archaeological. Archaeological council, yes. You can sing it to the president of the geological council, but he won't know what. No, he'll say, who is this? Not even a member.

Get out! Sorry, I got the wrong council. I've only just joined. Give me a chance. Anyway, stop having a dig at me about being in the archaeological very good um Christmas Christmas look we um we we we we we we we we we've done it um so um so thank you so much Holly. I've had such a lovely time. For coming in today.

Thanks for having me. It's always a joy to see you. And also, what a lovely lunch we had at Holly's, me and Kat, a couple of weeks ago. Did you? Yeah, it was smashing. There was like a pastry thing. Anyway. Did you get the bus after?

Well, of course, we wouldn't have missed the bus. I did drive there. Hour and a half I drove. Can I just you get the bus after? Well, of course we wouldn't have missed the bus. I did drive there. Hour and a half I drove. Can I just say that there and back? That's a kind of friend, aren't you? Yeah, but I live an hour and a half away from you. So that's normal. We could have met halfway. That was my thought.

Anyway. Definitely do this on air. What colour's my hair again? Anyway, thanks. It's lovely to see you as ever, Holly. And we'll look out for, what's the sitcom? The other one. The other one, exactly.

The special one and the other one. That's what we've covered today. So thank you for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. The creaks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!