The Frank Skinner Show - Geometric Mowing

Episode Date: June 24, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had a sleepover at the Zoo and went to Royal Ascot with Emily. The team also discuss appealing food sounds, porcupine quills and industry phrases we'd get rid of.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and now over to my assistant. Good morning everyone. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via frank at absolute radio.co.uk back over to frank in the studio thank you you only missed one key part and that's that i'm here with emily dean and pierre novelli no i didn't know that was part of my duty yeah if somebody said to me what mistake is emily gonna make reading out the opening bit i wouldn't have

thought she'd miss herself at. My, my, my. I didn't think I was being given that level of responsibility, but thank you. So, look, Emily and I went to Ascot this week, Royal Ascot, and I, wait for it, came back a little hoarse. It actually happened. When I arrived at Ascot, Emily will testify, my voice was perfectly fine.

And now it's a bit, I am sailing. It got progressively hoarser as the day progressed. It did. Progressively hoarser as the day progressed. I quite like that. You're living in jokes now. Yes, I know. You'll be slipping on banana peels.

You're talking as if I don't live in jokes. Normally it's internal though the closest I've ever been to living in a joke and I must have told this before was I went for a haircut and the guy said how do you want your hair and I said quite like your hair can I be like you he said yeah I have a number two all over I said well whatever it's called I like he looks good when it, it was like super short. And I said, hold on, this is much shorter than that. He said, yeah, mine's grown out quite a bit. And that was the closest I've ever been

to actually being a character in a joke. That's a perfect does your dog bite style gag. I quite like your voice, a little horse. If it stays like this, we'll be fine. If it deteriorates... It just sounds like you've maybe... You've had a bit of bother in your life. Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I haven't, really. OK. It sounds like you might know someone who was sprung from the moor, as I once heard in a gangster documentary. We had a guest on

it I want to own a name and he said you like me Frank I'm a clever tragedy in your life and I said no weird anyway so we had we had a great day at the at the races when I turned up we went with Emily came and my sister-in-law, Rachel, and my very dear friend, Tracy. And I was already in my top hat and tails

when Tracy arrived and she said, she said, what was your friends from Smeddik say if they could see you now? She said, you've gone from

the Bash Street kids to Lord Snooty. That was the journey. But it was, it was a good old day, if they could see you now. She said, you've gone from the Bash Street kids to Lord Snooty. That was the journey. But it was a good old day, wasn't it, Em? Oh, I won money. Yes, she did. I didn't. And we did something very classy, which I think went down really well in the Royal Enclosure.

You shook the horse's hands. No, it was better than that. Frank made me hold my winnings, my three £20 notes. He said, fan them, fan them out. Yeah, fan them out, because you're just holding them in a block. You don't owe money like that. It has to form a fan. Oh, forgive me for

never having done this before. Not unless it's a stack, then you can hold it in a block. So we're in the royal enclosure. We weren't at a horse fair. We were at Royal Ascot. And there's the likes of Princess Anne wandering around. I am standing there holding my £20 notes in a fan, as instructed by Frank,

whilst he takes a picture of me. Oh, good, yeah. I would say, if you wanted a sign of our classiness that day, you would say that the king and queen in a carriage went within about 15 yards of us. Wow. A much bigger response on the day was in the car on the way there when we saw the 80s pop sensation Marilyn out for a run.

It was much more excitement. Whoa, look! No one could believe it. What I liked is Frank's friend Tracy, she pointed it out and it was in such a brilliantly casual way. She was in the middle of telling a very long anecdote and then she went, oh, there's Marilyn.

And we screamed. We absolutely screamed. Are you familiar with Marilyn? I'm not. Okay, well, there's Marilyn. And we screamed. We absolutely screamed. Are you familiar with Marilyn? I'm not. Okay, well, you can Google him in the break. I have to say, by the way, that when Tracy tells a very long anecdote, it doesn't feel very long. Oh, no, no.

Her and Emily are more mutual friends than anyone you can imagine. They were just, it was like me and my sister-in-law sat, it was like sitting at a firework display, the two of them firing off stories and blah, blah, blah. It was amazing. And Tracey actually said at one point, I don't really want to go to the races.

Can we just drive around in the car and do this? But, wow, women. What women they are. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We met quite a few characters at Ascot. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah, we certainly did.

Jill Scott. Yeah, Jill Scott was there. Oh, yeah? Do you know who Jill Scott is? I think so. Frank, do you want to explain? Well, yeah, she's what they now call a lioness. Yes.

Well, she's a retired lioness, and she won the jungle thing. Yes, that's right. Not so many lionesses do, if push comes to shove. Yeah, so I was very excited. Of all the famous people I've met, I think the one who's most exactly what you expected to be was Jill Scott, just a really nice, funny, lovely woman. Anyway, there were men there, can I point out?

I had a special job there. I was presenting the winning jockey of the last race. Well, the owner. The owner gets the trophy. The jockey gets like a snuff box. That's quite feudal, isn't it? Yeah. I think it was a snuff box.

I can't imagine what else. A small silver box. I don't know who does snuff. Maybe it's big in the racing and I'm going to use the F word, fraternity. One of the few fraternities one hears discussed is the racing fraternity. Yes, yeah.

What would be another fraternity that people talk about? Well, one thinks, I'm afraid, of the Americans. Animal House. When it comes to fraternities. Oh, yeah, frat. Frat boy. Oh, I hate a frat boy. As they call it, Greek culture.

Is that what they are because of the... Well, that means something entirely different. Yeah, frat. Frat boy. Oh, I hate a frat boy. As they call it, Greek culture. Do you know what that is? Because of the... Well, that means something entirely different. Greek culture on campus. I, um... One of my other jobs was to choose... Jobs? The best turned out horse.

You say jobs? I mean, I had to sing for my lunch. Was I had to pick the best turned out horse in the last race yeah and the one what one i like about them because you get a bit of uh sometimes they'll plait the mane you know that which we were told the princess royal very much disapproves of plaiting of mane or tail she doesn't like it this the princess. This being Princess Anne. Yes. Yes, she was there.

Do you think there was a chance that she recognised you and sort of... No. Oh, it's you, the double meddler. No, she didn't. Well, when we saw Charles and Camilla and Anne, we saw them all in the paddock. It's quite strange.

You're standing there looking at them, aren't you? They did wave, but not directly to us. I wanted Frank to go down. They would have loved chatting. But anyway, they do this thing. On the hindquarters of the horse, they, you know, some people have the Nike swoosh

cut into their shaved side hair on their head. Yes, trustworthy men. Yeah, so they, it's often, it's a football, it used to be a football thing, having things sort of. So the horses, they do a kind of, it looks like a chess board across the bomb. Oh.

I'd love to play. We've all been there. Wouldn't you love to play chess on a horse's backside? Wouldn't that be a brilliant thing to do? And it looks like, I don't know if they still do the geometric mowing of yesteryear. You know you'd watch a football match and they'd have that perfect grid of mowing that forms.

Does that still exist? In a while since I've seen it. We always have one now, Frank. If there's anyone out there, any groundsman. Any mowers. Yeah, any. Even one man.

I work with him, dear, as you know. We've worked with them all. So, yeah, if there's any groundsman. It could be my memory, but I don't think, no, when you say a no over to Geoff Harrison at the Cop Final, you don't see that geometric mowing anymore. No. I wonder when that went. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Ruth Jordan has been in touch, one of our regulars as you know. She was a little concerned about our trip to Ascot. I keep saying Ascot, it's Ascot of course.

Is it? Yeah. OK. Ruth says, I hope Frank didn't get too close to the horses at Ascot. I seem to remember a story of him being bitten really slowly by a horse who maintained eye contact throughout the biting. That is true. That was when I was going to do a Wild West holiday. And I thought I'd better do some riding before. So, yeah, I accidentally...

I don't know what the woke terminology is for a Chinese burn. I'm not sure there is any. But I put a saddle on and when you tie the strap underneath i didn't do it quite tight so when i went to get on the whole saddle spun round and gave the horse a burn an eastern burn uh and a sort of torso scale yeah and uh the horse yeah bit me but very slowly so i just stood there and let it happen, because I felt I deserved it. I told... I was chatting to A.P. McCoy,

who Frank had sort of hissed to me, because I was sat next to him. You know, he's a very famous jockey. I think I used the word legend. You did say legend. You did. Without going, no, Jude, I just said legend in a normal, yeah. I told him about your Wild West experience

over lunch oh did you yeah I said I'm afraid Frank's very I don't think I'd quite realised at that point

that he'd won several Grand Nationals and I didn't know what I was dealing with yes so I said well Frank's been on horses

I'm sorry I don't like horses I said he doesn't like them. I find them, like so many animals, horrible. Frank? They are horrible. Why would you say that? Because they're horrible to each other and often to humans as well.

We don't have to look very far for evidence of this. Oh, thank you very much. Good morning to you. I was in the company I'll tell you some good news though. Porcupines do not fire their quills. Oh.

Stand down, everyone. Yeah, exactly. There'll be people at home that haven't been out of their house for years in fear of that. Uncellotaping mattresses from their back and front. Exactly. Taking off colanders from their head. Exactly.

Do you like porcupines? They're all right. I like something you can pet. That's what I think. They're not good for stroking. If you stroke them, make sure you don't go against the grain. That's my advice. Do you know, I totally agree with you. I'd struggle. I think I'd have intimacy issues

with them, just because you couldn't befriend one, really. You couldn't have snuggle in the bed with them. That's the point of a pet. No, no. We had one in the garden when I was a kid once. It showed up. Yeah, right. You had antelopes in the garden, didn't you? You had a...

A porcupine showed up, yeah. This is in South Africa, obviously. Is porcupine different to hedgehog? A badger was in the garden and you had a manga artist staying with you and when he showed you his drawing of the badger you thought it was a porcupine.

Is that what happened? And they said very expressive eyes. Yes, exactly. Guy, they've got a confession to make. I don't really understand the difference between a porcupine

and a hedgehog. I sort of thought it was a bit like... One was a punk version of another. A porcupine, if you imagine a porcupine

went to that barber who said, who gave me number two all over, then he would look like the hedgehog. Okay. They're bigger, though.

They are bigger, yeah. He's a bit spiky. Bigger and blacker. One I noticed, I had a sleepover at the zoo at the weekend. It is why I noticed this. Officially, or? No, I was drunk. I woke up cradled by an orangutan.

And I woke up to worst. I'll be honest with you. Are you actually joking at this point? Seriously, Frank. You know I love a ginger. Oh, my God. Anyway. I can't believe you.

No, so I slept over. I slept over? At the zoo. I don't know. It's odd the way you're referring to this, like you're dossing at your mate's house. One thing we did, we perfumed some boxes with stuff from bottles, not with our natural musk.

And then we threw them into the, officially, we threw them into the porcupine. He came out to investigate. Oh. Yeah. And when it's totally in concentration, you can reach out and just take the coil straight out of its back, like lifting a pen out of its holder in the post office.

No, you can't do that. That'd be horrible. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Will you tell me more about the zoo? Yes, so you have a sleepover in a small,

I went before, do you remember? Yeah, I do remember. When I went before it was freezing though but it's lovely this time. Do you hear the lions? Yeah, you hear the lions

in the night. I would say it's quieter than my average night. I'd say the lions are a little i would say it's quieter than my average night so i'd say lions a little bit quieter than drunks and i hear a lot of drunks in the night and also i live near hamstead heath which is a a patch of um green land in the north of london and And there's a lot of fireworks in the night. I don't know if it's like rogue firework enthusiasts, but sometimes, okay, if it's the 4th of July or some event, you know,

but just randomly, like 1 o'clock in the morning, you need a load of fireworks going off. Yeah, it does seem to be the case in London that there's never not a day for fireworks. Yeah, and all drinking. Yeah, indeed. What time do the lions wake up, roughly? They wake up about 4.30.

Shut up. I don't know why. What's the point if you're not working? Yeah. 4.30? I saw an MGM car waiting on the seat. I was going to say some of them. Did I tell you I saw a very old MGM movie,

a silent movie, with Lon Chaney. You know him, Man of a Thousand Faces? Oh, yeah, of course I do. And they had the opening titles and they had the MGM circle with the lion in it. And it was a silent movie. And the lion obviously didn't get it to roar because you wouldn't be able to hear it anyway. So the lion just looks and it was a silent movie and the lion obviously they didn't get it to roar

because you wouldn't be able to hear it anywhere so the lion just looks at you like it's in its cabin on a cruise liner just looking out through the portal it just looks

just going on and I thought they could have put grr that's disappointing you know as a sometime. It's more a sort of commuting lion. I don't want a lion who's just, yeah, just pit. Like you've got drunk and been put in the cells for the night.

And the lion worked at the police station and just coming out of looks. Duty Sergeant Lion. Yeah, exactly. I didn't like that at all. Did you see any other friends from the animal kingdom? You've got your favourites and then your enemies. Well, we went.

There was one thing that I found out which was interesting is that sometimes, for example, several of the predators, but the tigers, tigers will be sitting quietly and a pigeon will land in and they'll just eat it. Well, did you witness this? Oh, I'd love to witness it. I imagine that. What a day out.

I'd pay a grand to see that. Oh, my God. Live, live. Don't send in your videos. I would find that very distressing. Oh, I find it distressing. That's like Deliveroo for the tigers. But there are many things I'd pay a grand to see

that I find distressing on some level. Yes, I think that's probably true. Yes. Yeah, so there's a few of the animals, not just them. I think the dog, the wild dogs as well, and pigeons. Sorry, a wild dog's a thing. That's a bit of a cheat.

No, no, no, they are nasty things. They're very odd looking. As I say, most animals, they're absolutely vicious and nasty to each other. Nature red in tooth and claw, as Alfred Lord Tennyson said. So, yeah, so who'd have thought it? Pigeons land thinking, oh, this is a nice little place. There's some... They're gone.

Yeah. Sorry if there's any... They're gone. Yeah. Sorry if there's any pigeon fans see us out there, but stay out the lions then, guys. We've heard from Andy Wood. Oh, yeah. Who has a question. Bronte Country. Bronte Country, correct.

Frank, am I to assume that during your zoo sleepover you didn't hear the chimpanzees in secretive conversation? I did hear, I heard some... This we should say is Frank's. Was it your grandfather? My grandfather overheard a group of chimpanzees in a circus trailer talking and maintained that they could talk but didn't

because they knew they'd have to work underground in the pit and be sent off to war and do all the dirty work that human beings didn't want to do. It's a reasonable theory in many ways. In some ways, very unreasonable. You usually have at least one significant encounter with one of the primates during your zoo visits. Did that happen on this occasion?

I'll tell you something that happened, and this is the absence of creatures in a way. We went to a penguin section where there was no penguins at all. Oh, that's depressing. And the keeper said, do you know what this is famous for? And Buzz and Kath, my partner and son,

both knew instantly that it was in a Harry Styles video. Oh. Where he, it's got like a white ramp in a penguin. Oh, it's like the quite 1930s sort of Art Deco. Yes, I'm familiar with it. Yes. But many of the buildings at London Zoo are listed. And so even though it's no longer practical for penguins for some reason.

It's cruel. They can't knock it down. Oh, right. They can't improve the penguin habitation. No, they're not allowed to do that. I like the idea of the penguins saying, we're stuck with it, mate. It's a list of buildings.

Well, it reminds me... Sorry, Matt, I think my hands are tied. I don't know if you're aware of the Harry style. I don't really know his work very well. I see that one when he's lying on the floor in a one, in like a cat suit. very well. I see that one when he's lying on the floor in a one, in like a cat suit. But he

the building really reminded me of, Buzz bought a toy which consisted of small penguins going up an escalator and then sliding down a big slide. Yes. With this sort of

strange sort of music that you couldn't get out of your head he used to play he used to put it on at breakfast time and let it run for the whole

breakfast time and at the end of it I just sang this thing all day and it was called very strangely the name it was like a dry

flume and it's had a big sign on the top that said running go that was the name of it which means nothing especially as running was spelt R-U-N-I-N-G

it's like the strangest from another planet toy and you can't take your eyes off them steadily jogging up the escalator and then coming down this slide. And it really looked like that. Isn't it? It's quite a famous architect, isn't it, who designed that?

Ronny Go. Not Ronny Go. I think Ronny... It's a pink morning closure. It's someone like Lutyens or someone like that. Is it? Well, Ronny Go, I think that's... One of those translations from...

I think it's a problem it's not going to be ruining there's no runes involved in it I mean it does sound haunted and magical it does

run and go I'm going to do a video of it and bring it in it's really somewhat very you know when people get addicted to computer games

I'm getting a bit a little bit ruining go this is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now over to my colleague.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk That was beautiful I thought. It was. Beautifully done. Beautiful. It was like something from the Lion King.

Yeah, so we've been talking about all sorts of stuff in the first hour. I was wondering if the reason the pigeons land in the lion enclosure with such confidence is years of inhabiting Trafalgar Square has lulled them into a false sense.

Those guys never move. Yeah, exactly. You can sit right on their heads. They're fine with it. They're really strong siloed. Whoa! Do you want to hear? Well, whether you do or

not is irrelevant because I'm going to share this with you. This is from Mark Ryan. And I think you'll be very happy about this, Frank. He says I don't know whether this is a typo incidentally. He says, share Frank and team. She's not on this week. No.

I wondered whether he meant to say dear, but I'm happy with Cher. Yeah. That was the best bit of advertising I've ever experienced. I have just bought Run and Go from Amazon. Oh, wow.

For £14.99. Wow. And then you know what I like? Mark Hensett, can't wait Four exclamation marks I tell you what Mark How would you like to hear The theme tune from Ruiningo Sorry Ruiningo

I'm allowed to play this am I Yeah Here we go This is what it sounds like You wouldn't think that was an earworm, but you would be surprised. Walking around going dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. There's an explosion element as well to it. Yeah, there's like, yes, it's all bells and whistles, as they say. They haven't gone for...

They've gone building the lily, haven't they? The people who make the sounds for ruining go. They haven't thought, let's go understate it. Can we just establish we do know that's how you pronounce it, definitely? No, I think it's... Have you made this up? I think it's a misspelling. OK, OK.

I think it should be Ronning... But even if it spells it right, Ronning Go. It still means nothing. Well, Rob Yarwood from Brentwood. Oh, yeah. He says, heard about the Penguin game. Like the opener. Okay.

Heard about the Penguin game. Bought one for my kids 25 years ago. 25? I didn't think they had the technology 25 years ago. 25 years of ruining go. Called Penguin Race Game. Okay. Retro version still available.

So this must have been the Mark I ruining go. Oh, okay. Not really a race. Well, when... No, there's no race. As they just followed each other upstairs and then down a track. Yeah, I think the title is still a work in progress. I think the actual game is mesmerising.

It'd be quite funny to invent whatever the device is, and they are clearly just sitting looking at it going, what do we call it? Exactly. What even is this? Yeah, but how much were they short of time in that meeting that someone said what about ruining go and somebody said i think i think you've nailed it we appalled as they kept checking their watch exactly yeah yeah rob finishes by saying great thing was when one of the penguins fell off the track i've never had had that. Have you not? I'm amazed that they slide down the dry flume on Reagan

and they just slide. They never get trapped or stop or anything. It's a beautiful, well-oiled, it's like a Swiss watch mechanism. 25 years of development. Yeah, it's true. That was one of the lyrics they were going to put in Three Lions. And then they decided it didn't scan quite so well. David Baddiel got very picky about it.

Yeah, it was also, it was about the offices at the FI. 25 years of development with a sort of an open plan module. And then we thought it had got too technical. But, you know, there's always the next version. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what, I was... Many years ago when I was a child, there was a popular quiz show called Take take your pick and they had a thing

you know we've talked about the racing fraternity before and whether the word fraternity i can't imagine a modern day quiz show having the uh a regular feature which included the word interlude but there was a thing on it called the yes-no interlude. And this was how it was done. Michael Miles, the host, would talk to the guest. And then there was a man called Bob Danvers Walker, who was the voice of Pathé News, who would stand with an actual gong and a hammer,

a little gong that he held. And the idea, they had to talk for a minute without saying yes or no. Okay. And Michael Myles would trick them into saying it usually. And if they got through, they won like 10 shillings. So... What a show.

Now, they got something like 30 quid and they did the fan they fanned the money out anyway I was I've been watching a lot of

football manager interviews most most of the senior managers are from overseas now

and they say moment a lot in their interviews what do you mean give us an example so they would say a lot in their interviews. What do you mean? Give us an example. So they would say, yes, in this moment we weren't defending well.

And there's lots of that. And I've noticed that English managers have started saying moment as well, even though it doesn't quite work. And I was wondering if you could choose a profession and then, like the yes-no interlude, that you'd take a profession and then like the yes no interlude that you'd take a word away that they couldn't use so managers can no longer say moment like footballers used to say obviously a lot

I knew a guy who was taught by the philosopher Karl Popper and if anyone used the word obvious he would always say obvious to who, as philosophers do. But also, singers, you know, rock singers and stuff, if they didn't say all right or yeah. Yeah, I mean, then they're stuck on it. You can't say indubitably.

No, exactly. If you're in Kiss. What about tennis players if they couldn't say come on? In fact, a lot of sports people, come on. So if there's anyone out there who cares, I'd love to know what word or phrase you'd take from, you'd bang the gong at in any profession just to make life more difficult for them.

Yes. It's an ambitious texting, but, you know, we've had... I like it. We've had textings like, would you rather swim in a pool with a corpse or a piece of excrement? One of the all-time greats. And a lot of people texting. Incidentally, what did...

What did we decide was preferable? I think corpse won. I went corpse. Yeah. Yeah, I went corpse, definitely. Yeah. Just for the anecdote. Well...

Well, more just to avoid the... The excrement. To be honest, speaking personally, I'd be so frightened of the fact I was swimming. If there was half a dozen corpses in there, it wouldn't really bother me. Can you walk back in the pool? I was talking to AP McCoy as well

about that you'd started swimming later on well he yeah but I'm still not great they offered me celebrity shark cage and I said I'd turned it down because I said I'd be the only person on it who wasn't mainly

frightened of the shark. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In terms of the question you raised earlier about the sort of diamond or checkerboard pattern mowed into football pitches, where's that gone? Yes, I said you get it on horses high in quarters, but I haven't seen it on a football pitch for ages. Well, Mark Allen gets in touch and says, the Premier League outlawed fancy patterns a few seasons ago, Philistines. Now, I would have been more sceptical of Mark Allen,

were it not for the fact that his Twitter handle is at thegrasscutter. Oh, wow. Fair enough. Yes. Yeah. is at the grass cutter oh wow fair enough yes yeah um i uh you mentioned earlier i think someone texted in earlier that um i'd forgotten about this that apparently linesmen as they were then assistant referees as they are now used to use that grass cutting thing as a way of judging an offside. And maybe in the age of VAR, they don't want any additional geometrics

that aren't completely measured and trustworthy. You know what I mean? You could mow it with a slight angle, it could throw the whole offside. I mean, accidentally, I mean? You could mow it with a slight angle it could throw the whole offside. I mean accidentally I'm not suggesting espionage. I was going to say. One winger gets a one metre advantage

because of a diagonal. Exactly, yeah. Just for clarity it was 240 Frank who got in touch. Yes, good. I don't want to touch anyone else's thing because I'd forgot about that. But maybe that's why the FA stopped geometric mowing. Okay. I have some further news for you.

Can I say, when we were judging the horses, I was a bit disappointed that there wasn't one straw hat with two holes in it. That used to see on. That would have made me sad. They would have won it immediately. I mean, they could take it off before the race because it would just blow off.

Can you imagine? That would have been great. Come on. I would have liked that. I would have liked to have entered a donkey, just got a rogue donkey and sit, and everyone would have been too embarrassed to say, is that okay?

Is that the same? It looks a bit different i am what's your equine ambition i beg your pardon my main equine ambition i would love to see and this is something i've seen on telly and at the circus but never live gone a horse counting you know when they count by sort of scraping they used to ask them a maths question what's three and five um neddy and they would go and just as they do eight the bloke would be in like a rocket to stop them doing any it's a brilliant spectacle horses lookorses look so elegant until, until they open their mouths.

Their teeth really let them down. Well. I've got to be honest. There were some really good looking animals in that parade. Yeah. And. Then they smile. Yeah.

Yeah, but I noticed they smile with... Would it kill you to get veneers? Sometimes someone will say to me, can I have my photo with you? And if I've just eaten, I will smile, but, like, with lips together. Yeah. Because I don't want them to see all the food in my teeth.

Do you not think... And the horses were like that. I just think the proportions are all wrong you know I think God was even Homer nods and I think on this occasion he didn't give it his full attention when he was designing

I'm sorry Frank with the horse do you not agree? I don't know like I say every time I've ridden one they've been horrible to me horrible to you? I mean, make it sound a bit personal. I think it's because I quibble a bit about the fee, hoping that they'll start counting.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Bob Bruce has been in touch, Frank. Bob Bruce. He says, he's referring to, Bob Bruce has been in touch, Frank. Bob Bruce? Mm. He says, he's referring to, you were talking earlier about words,

not necessarily that you'd ban. Some professions overuse certain words and phrases. So football managers in interviews now say moment a lot. Watch out for it. It's probably a good thing, not a good thing to introduce in the close season. But you'll notice it. If you had to ban a word, so for example, in the catering industry, service, that's one they like to use a lot.

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't let them use that. Do they? Oh, yeah, they say that. And they refer to the pass, which I always find rather pretentious. Have you seen that in any Gordon Ramsay shows? They say, if you're up at the pass, what to the pass, which I always find rather pretentious. Have you seen that in any Gordon Ramsay shows? They say, if you're up at the pass, what's the pass? It turns out it's just that window where the chef puts the plates.

Oh, like the hatch. They call it the pass. The pass? Not the serving hatch. They call the serving hatch the pass. Any chefs listening... I never knew that. I don't like that.

I think they're trying to... Hence the old saying, we'll cut them off at the serving hatch. I just think they're trying to give it a dignity it doesn't have. The pass. All these things shall come to serving hatch. Don't build your pass up.

Listen to this, Bob Bruce. Hi Frank, Emily and Pierre. I would ban all Formula One drivers, he continues, from saying for sure. Ah. That's quite a German thing. What say you? I, um, the, um, Tottenham striker.

What was he, the German, famous German centre forward? Klinsmann. Yeah, Jürgen Klinsmann used to say for sure. And I realised he was looking for a translation for naturally which they use a lot in German. Because naturally doesn't quite work so he would say for sure and then a lot of

people started saying for sure. It's very catching yeah i think people are so desperate to think what do i say in the post-match interview that if they if there's if they recognize a theme they'll go for it if they're constantly being told things that they agree with that thing of calling someone a big unit oh yeah i say yeah it's a pretty but that's that's relative I remember that happening in cricket and I thought I never heard that before I think I would ban

just you reminded me of the talk of Gordon Ramsay all the sort of master chef food critic style shows I would ban them from calling food witty

I've never heard that yeah it's all very witty I think it's an obscene thing to say about food as a comedian I resent it no really obscene thing to say about food. As a comedian. I resent it. No, really.

What does it mean? If you put pop rocks in your dessert and they pop in your mouth, a little popping candy, they go, oh, that's very witty. Shut up. No, it's not. I was talking with my brother-in-law

and my brother-in-law writes really, he writes many things, but he writes very tough dramas. He's got one on television at the moment. Emily's going to help me with the title, but she's not getting the hint. No, I am familiar with it, but I have forgotten the title. It was called A Better Something. I thought you were going to help me out.

It's all right, I didn't really know. I don't always know. Anyway, he writes a lot of... And we were discussing within the family we could be known as witty and gritty. Yeah. Yeah, fair summary of our careers, I like to think. Frank, listen to this, 848.

Weirdly... Oh, God, he's going to hate me now for forgetting the name of his TV show. Weirdly, I'm sitting here in the car, having been let down on a horse box hire, and I'm trying to find a way to get a horse to a cross-country lesson. Suddenly, I hear Frank utter the words, what is your equine ambition?

OK. There you go. Perfect. Can I say that my brother-in- in the show is called Best Interests. This is correct. And it's, yeah, it's getting some, it's had a brilliant review in the Roman Catholic Journal. It's fantastic. Yeah, it did.

I mean, rave. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I've got a quick personal question for you. When you were at the zoo, London Zoo, did you see the bears? No. OK. The reason I ask is because no-one's ever seen the bears.

I've never seen the bears. I'm starting to think they're an urban myth. Oh. They're very lazy. Are the bears at London Zoo? Yes. Because, you know, some of Are the bears at London Zoo? Yes. Because you know some of the animals reside at Whipsnade. Oh. Which is a club

I used to go to in Southam. I like the idea of are the bears at London Zoo being the ambiguity version of the phrase do bears go to the loo in the woods. Well are the bears at London Zoo? Who knows? But you could say yeah are there elephants at London Zoo? Well there aren't. but you could say, yeah, are there elephants at London Zoo? Well, there aren't there at Whipsnade

where they've got more space. Is that right? Even though I think the traffic sign has an elephant on it to symbolise the zoo. Okay. Is that... Oh, I quite enjoy that. I like that.

So I think the rhinos, I seem to remember there at Whipsnade as well. Well, talking of the zoo, 747 has got in touch. Very 70s. It is, isn't it? 70s aviation. I have a picture of the Beatles coming down steps at the airport. What about when I was on a plane once and the pilot said,

Hey, hello, this is your pilot, Kent Royale. Oh, wow. That is great. Do you know? And then me and my friend sat in our seat and we spent the entire four-hour flight fantasising about what Kent Royale looked like. What do you think he looked like?

There was the ITV wrestling commentator, the sort of Murray Walker of wrestling was Kent Walton and I remember he used to say hi there grapple fans in one of those

very mid-Atlantic voices you know he used to say because wrestling used to be on Wednesday night and then it would be

on the big sports show on Saturday afternoon and at the end he'd say happy Thursday Friday see you Saturday that was his would be on the big sports show on Saturday afternoon. And at the end he'd say, Happy Thursday, Friday. See you Saturday.

That was his... That was his departure. But that's the only other Kent I can think of. Kent Royale. Oh, yeah. He was everything I hoped for and more. He had aviators. Was he? Oh, you did see Kent Royale.

Oh, we waited. We waited to see Kent Royale. I wasn't getting off that plane until I saw him. No. I shook him by the hand. He was met at the airport by his brother, Casino. That deserves something. Come on.

That deserves a jingle of something. Let's see what we've got here. I like it. I like it. He was your classic. I think there may even have been a packet of Winstons in the top pocket. I'm picturing the guy who played the FBI agent in Twin Peaks. Agent Cooper.

Yeah. He was much more Rod Steiger in an arm film, is what we're talking. That was How Do You Like Your Coffee, Asian Cooper Black as Midnight on a Moonless Night yeah exactly what was his name he was a Carl McLaughlin

he was in Sex in the City as well very good and he had a catchphrase which was alrighty what do you think of that as a catchphrase 747 I didn't tell you what he said go on hi Frankengang

Dudley Zoo has listed Tecton buildings as well if you remember I'm sure you must have been in your youth Tecton of course Tecton buildings was connected with Lubeckin who designed the Penguin enclosure. Oh God, I mean, I went to

Dudley Zoo, but we didn't talk much about the architecture. It was at Dudley Zoo, when I was a small child, where, what was there? Is that my phone? That can't be my phone. You've been showing us the Penguin videos, and it's all kicked off.

This morning told me to keep my phone on in case the job, they make the job decision. So, yeah, that was where a monkey got sort of spread-eagled on the bars. I don't like that. And I was in my pram, and it urinated all over me. I was in my pram and it urinated all over me. And the sound of urine hitting a hand-knitted cardigan is one that has lived with me ever since. It became like a family story when that monkey weed on.

Yeah. So, yeah, many happy memories from Dudley Zoo. All of them through a haze of steam. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had you coughed there. Yeah. With Pierre Novelli.

And Emily Dean. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter1215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. And email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Back to Frank in the studio. Beautiful. It did feel like one of those that when you get two film stars come on at the Oscars and they share

an autocue. Yes. What I liked is that we did that little cutesy one-show thing of I said Pierre's name and he said mine. It was very funny. We put a twist on it, Frank.

It was beautiful. At the Oscars, that's one of the things I'd... You know that thing about stopping professions? For people Oscar presenters, I'd stop them using the phrase the motion picture industry. I mean, when is that from? Like 1810 or something?

The motion picture. Like Judy Garland. They like films. They like films. Televisual. Motion pictures. I mean, gosh. Also, could you also stop them using the Foreign Press Association?

When did they get involved? Did they use them? Oh, yeah, Foreign Press Association. We're always getting mentioned. I thought you hated the press. Don't get them to judge all the awards. They do pop up a lot. Yes, they're always popping up.

I miss that. Okay. We've got some... We have had readers getting in touch about other sort of industry phrases they would like to see people try and cope without, essentially. Yes. There are certain American golf commentators

who, after a wonderful shot, will declare, are you kidding me? With heavy emphasis on the kidding oh really I've heard it used but try it in an American accent I think you'll be pleasantly surprised that's Gazza well you did yeah I did

and I was pleasantly surprised yeah Peter Alice would never have said that what would he have said oh my word. My word. He'd say something like that. That dignified, doesn't it?

The guy who did the tennis, was he Dan Maskell? Oh, yes. What was his thing? Good grace? He would say, oh, my word. Oh, my word. It was a really good rally. I associate that quite heavily with my South African relatives trying not to blaspheme.

Oh. If you hear Omar Wood, that's going to be a very... Relatives trying not to blaspheme. What sort of a world were you brought up in? It's a bigger deal to say oh my God in South Africa than... Is it? Yeah, a little bit. Okay.

Sounds good. I may move. I did think about it. I was in South Africa once and they had like three bedroom flats for 24 grand did they?

and I thought oh if I could just get one if I just came once every two years it'd be worth it you went over for your football work

didn't you? well I went over on holiday originally I did the garden route what's that? it's a sort of coastal bit. It's one of these... Have you heard of that?

It's very famous. It's very beautiful. Okay. Yeah, the Western Cape. Oh, man. That's what I wore, the Western Cape. The Eastern Cape,

it's too light for that. This is extraordinary. Gary, a 66-year-old in Harlow, has a theory. He says, let Frank know that when fireworks go off into the night, he seems to think it's often a message sent out to, how can I put this, to let potential buyers know that there are illicit substances available should they require them.

It's a bit Blackbeard, isn't it? It's a strange way of letting them. I think of it as a sort of undercover operation, not normally announced with pyrotechnics. I tell you what, I've got a busy week on with Chris. I'm going to have to get some Catherine Whittles in. Yeah, exactly. If I'm going to unload all of these kilos.

Oh, man. I mean, it's a wee... It feels like a lot of trouble to go to. If it's marijuana, they just use sparklers. Yes, yes. For the Class A. For the Class A stuff. That's why I've got this bugle on me.

What did they... I mean, I was going to say, it must be a busy old night, mustn't it? New Year's Eve. I mean, they must be doing a war in France. That's the only reason the fireworks are happening at all. Yeah?

Well, what about the 5th of November? People turning up at family homes saying, yeah, have you got any good chai? No, that tinfoil's just got a baked potato in it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This news in, Frank, from Paul Hughes. Were your questions earlier? Question, I do apologise.

Yes, chessboard pitches are still moan. Tranmere Rovers looking splendid for the start of the season. Oh, OK. OK? I don't know if they have VAR, do they, in that division? No. I don't know. The grass cutter claimed it was the Premier League that had banned it.

Yeah. But when you go to the first match of the season, there's always one person near you who says how good the pitch looks. Oh, really? That's the thing. We had a carpet fitted, a stair carpet fitted this week. I love that story. And it was hot.

So one of the guys worked with no shirt on. Oh, I do love that story. He was in great shape. Obviously, people who take their shirt off always are. Did you tell him that? Apart from Gibby and iCarly, generally speaking, it's just sort of fairly ripped people who take their shirt off.

Having it replaced the carpet, was it getting worn? Yes. Oh, OK. So then at the end of it, this guy, he left us a scented candle as a thank you. And then he went to our piano and played some classical music with no shirt on. I beg your pardon.

Are you quite sure this was a carpet pitch that you hired and not some sort of agency of erotic... Did he? Could he play well? He did play well. Is it part of the service? He played a lot of steps. No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

In Spiral Cup, no. Was this sort of renaissance builders you went to? Well, you know, sometimes you get people who sound a bit middle class. Here's one of those guys. Oh, right. They did a great job on the carpet, but I wasn't expecting the topless piano. So he didn't put his shirt on for the piano?

Au contraire. It would be a bit of excess respect to the piano, I think, if you went, oh, obviously I'll put my T-shirt back on. I'll put tails on for it. It's a bit Monty Python, though, seated there. Well, yeah, he had shorts on, for goodness sake. Well, we're meant to be grateful for that. Well, he had a short son, for goodness sake. Well, we're meant to be grateful for that. Well, I was.

I have to clean the school. Kath. Kath. Oh, my God. Kath, not so much, though. Kath, um... What did Kath make of it? Kath said,

I didn't even hear it. Because he played for about five or ten minutes. This is all for your benefit. Did you take any pictures? I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. That's the opening line of The Importance of Being Earnest.

Blank sits playing piano and then when the butler comes in, he said, did you hear what I was playing, Lane? And he said, I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. That's how I was

with the carpet fitter. But yeah, it's different. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. May I just share a couple of things with you briefly? Charlebury Baggy, I'll be a nice friend for you, Frank. Yes.

My mum recalls being at Dudley Zoo watching a mother chastise her child for hanging over the edge of the lion enclosure. Not because of the danger, but get down, you'll scratch your shoes. Heavily accented black country accent, perhaps Frank could do it much better than me, I'm sure. I liked your version. Oh, I tried. And Bulma has confirmed that fireworks for illicit substances is definitely a thing in Sheffield between 6 and 7pm on Sunday night.

Three set off every week. Wow, what a discovery this is. I hope you haven't killed it for the drugs industry. Do you know what? I find they're very rational, forgiving people. It's not like being in the magic circle. You're allowed to discuss your tricks and how they work. May I share something with you boys?

It's been on my mind this morning. What about the peripatetic drug dealer who has a flare gun? He's like a pop-up drug dealer. I've never heard of a drug dealer. Can I say that Tapsley Radio disapproves of the use of illegal drugs Carry on We're not doing a read of any sort

No There's a survey I wanted to discuss with you both and it was it's one of those interesting surveys that I think how, who gets involved in these surveys I never get asked to do anything as interesting as this The only? I never get asked to do anything as interesting as this. The only ever questions I get asked are,

how did you hear about us? Do you get that asked there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Through Google? I can never remember. It's normally word of mouth, Google, or something else. I just say something else, none of your business. Anyway, the survey I came across was to do with what food sounds people find the most appealing.

Do you want to know what was up there? Have you seen any? These are sounds of food. Yeah, so it was sizzling bacon, for example. Of course, of course. I mean, we're all going to predict that. Yeah. The rustling of a crisp packet.

Less food, more packaging. That's true. Personally, I find that intensely irritating, but we'll come to that. Agreed. Oh, we'll come to that. Okay. Well, we were out, the three of us were out the other night. We went to the Globe Theatre.

Yes. Fabulous. To see the Comedy of Errors. And afterwards, Emily had popcorn and she did that thing of ripping open the packet and doing a gesture of, please, everyone. Sort of a slightly sort of sultanate, please. I did that for your benefit.

I think it was sultanate in Viningham. And I got out the Haribo Tang Fastix. You did? Boy, you were really pulling out the Haribo Tangfastics. You did? You were really pulling out the stuff. You quickly set up a firework to let people know that you had some Tangfastics. How dare you? We've got to see, we should say,

Pierre's good friend, George. Yes, George Fouracres, the man himself in the Comedy of Errors. Of course, Pierre has to have friends with surnames like Fouracres. It sounds like they come from the medieval stage name stage name

oh is it is it very humble original his real name is seven hectares his real name what is

maybe he won't want to share that I've got to say he was brilliant and even though he was from Willanore which is too near

Wolverhampton for my liking he was brilliant andanore which is too near Wolverhampton for my liking he was brilliant and it was brilliant regarding food noises I didn't say anything during the production but to my left was a woman doing borderline illegal things

to a toffee lolly I could actually hear her and because she was sat near a pillar she would sort of lean across in front of me to to see certain scenes. Yeah. And then the noise would be coming almost from under my own chin. It's horrible.

Oh, that sounds... That sounds terrible. Did you not hear it? No. Can I say something to you? You're oddly tolerant, I find, at theatres. Because you never pick up on things. I'll say, you know, when we went to see Oklahoma

and there was a man picking off all his sunburn sitting right next to me and leaving it all over. Honestly. That's actually one of my favourite food stands. That's what Armin Meyvers told me. Oh! has told me. Oh! Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We're talking about appealing or satisfying sounds. Your favourite food sounds is one. What shocked me about this list that they put is it doesn't include the only food stuff

I can think of off the top of my head that forefronts its audio aspect. And that's Rice Krispies, Snap, Crackle and Pop. It never mentions that. No. No, that is odd. Well, it had... Well, I'll tell you why that is, Frank.

Go on. I know their ways. These surveys, close quotes, they're always commissioned. You'll find there'll be a brand involved somewhere. Oh, no, that's a letdown. But, of course, the top sound was the whistle of haggis. Yes.

Such as the following product. OK, all right. Well, all I will say, to give you a clue, in there, which I don't believe, actually, was the snapping of a chocolate bar. Well, that I will say, to give you a clue, in there, which I don't believe, actually, was the snapping of a chocolate bar. Well, that can be nice, especially a dime. That's quite a good snap. A dime?

Frank loves a dime. There's nothing like a dime. Oh, you did do that, didn't you? You actually did do that. 26% Frank said they liked the slicing of a crusty loaf of bread. What say you, Pierre Frank? I could not find a sound more stressful than cutting my own slice of bread. Because I know that the bottom is going to be perilously thin.

Exactly. And the top thick as a doorstop. Have you ever cut a decent slice? Maybe once. Maybe with stale bread you could do it. So pear-shaped my loaves i agree yeah you end up getting these sort of your loaf becomes as though it's been written in italics i have a lot of junk in the trunk of my slices do you don't like i don't like crusty it actually

hurts me i'm team crust what do you like slim Slim Sear? Do you remember Slim Sear bread? Yeah. His diet bread. I'm not mad about bread. I'm Team Crust. I want shrapnel in my gums. That's what I like. I like meat. Also in there. If I had to pick my favourite food sounds,

most of them would be in the children's song, Old MacDonald out of a farm. Or do you know what I do like? Most of them would be in MacDonald out of the box I'll tell you what I do like most of them would be in McDonald's from a vegetable point of view I like that that you get

when you tip mushy peas out of a tin you know when they won't come at first and then you shake and they go and they just drop out

and they've still got you know the ridges of the can is still on the mushy pea... Canister. Not sinister. Canister. The producer's laughing with intense recognition here.

I've never done it. I did not know that was a sound. I did not. And I was so upset to learn about it. I'm going to record it for you. Oh, my God. No, I know the sound he means because I've had that.

For example, do you know you can get tinned spaghetti, for example? Yes, of course. If you pour that in, it's a similar sound sometimes. Yeah, but it doesn't. But the actual, it retains the shape of the can, the mushy piece. You're making it sound like it's got conscious involvement here. Like Americans with cranberry sauce, cranberry jelly on Thanksgiving. They're just full solid can with the ridges still in it.

Yeah, that's what you want. But that was mushy peas. I'll tell you what I like. I want to shave my head and run away. Just thinking about that. Don't do that again. You know what I like, and they haven't got here. I like the hiss of the fizzy drink.

Oh. But what I love most about the hiss, and you only get this with Coca-Cola, I find. They're not paying me. This isn't a read. It's the mysterious little plume of smoke. Oh, yeah. You get with it.

That is good. Why do you get the smoke? No, I like that. Do you? What about the sound of an uncooked egg hitting a corrupt politician? Bit of under-political. I just choose not to. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

In terms of favourite food sounds, 283 gets in touch. Hi, Frank. The beautiful suction sound of the first spoon of trifle being lifted from the bowl. Yes, very good. As a family, we gather round us at Christmas and shout, do the noise. Oh, I love do the noise.

Followed up by, our world is quite small. Joe from Essex. I like Joe from Essex. Although I can say, I have never said Do The Noise to anyone. No, that's right. I love a family tradition like that. It's all gathering around. We've also had 597.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. Popcorn popping is a nice food sound. Better than that sweetie wrapper thing that always goes on in the cinema. Why do they sell noisy food? Why? That is from Simon of Sudbury, our medieval correspondent. That's a question oft asked. I mean, popcorn's

pretty noisy. I would have preferred that lady next to me at the Globe have popcorn. Yeah, but you know what one is out about i love popcorn what about the man on my right with the gyrating leg i couldn't be doing with that anyway you know when you get to the bottom of the cardboard popcorn and there's the unpopped the damned i hate the unpopped or as i call a fast track to a £2,000 dental implant. I always think chimpanzees are like the unpopped corn. Why haven't you evolved into humans?

You just wouldn't get in the lift, would you? No, we're not getting in the lift. We stay where we are. I like the idea of you sleeping over at a zoo and whispering, Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, for goodness sake. Why are you still here, you chimpanzees? You should be with us in the lodges. Have you no desire to read?

We've shown you how. Oh, man. Well, lots of their colleagues have done it. Frank, I'm with your grandfather. They know what they're doing. Oh, exactly. When I was at, when we went for drinks

after the Comedy of Errors with George and us three, can I say it? What a delight it is as well for a black country bloke to be a regular performer, to have played Hamlet at the Globe. It makes me happy. As a man who spends half of my life with people saying,

well, I didn't think you'd be interested in poetry. What are you doing at an art gallery? I'm surprised you're at the art gallery. You're right. Don't let the accent fool you. So I was very happy about that. But Emily went up and got me a tomato juice. I think I said make it spicy.

With a piece of celery not a million miles away from the dry flume that features in Ruiningo. It's a massive... It's a food you want to get rid of. Celery. No one in that survey said,

oh yeah, the lovely crunch of celery. The celery is just so rubbish. It's really a utensil. It is is just so rubbish. Yeah, yeah. It's really a utensil. It is really. And you know what? When it's in the Virgin Mary, which I purchased for you,

I did apologise, but you seemed OK with that. You didn't feel it was disrespectful. And it's there as an accessory. And you think, well, as it's here, I may as well. I wouldn't have chosen it. Well, it's actually less offensive to a Catholic than the Bloody Mary. Oh, yes. Which is an attack

on Queen Mary and her treatment of the Catholics. Pierre's looking at me as if it isn't. No, Pierre's looking at you as if it's absolute radio. Oh, OK. Oh, yeah. He'll Google it in a minute. I've always said, of course, that eating celery is like eating a violin. You can feel the strings snapping as you bite into it.

Yuck. Look, I got through today. Thank you guys for your support. And Lucy for getting me ginger shots and Pierre's suggestion giant sized marshmallows which he said are good for the voice well

it tasted good look if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week when I will be able to speak properly now get out.