The Frank Skinner Show - Geordie Bond

Episode Date: October 21, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank has been to a new barbers and been on the One Show. And we have Ross Noble as our guest!

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I wanted to make you sound like one of those 1950s thriller radio serials. Sort of building to a terrible crescendo. Paul Temple or something. I thought it sounded more like the Grand National. Oh, okay.

Ross Noble, just coming up on the outside. He will be our guest at 10am this morning. And if you've got a question for Ross Noble, like, who are you? That's no way to start. Just in case you don't know. But if you want to ask Ross anything, send in a question,

and you might get your question on the QL, the question list, in case you're wondering. Oh, I'm not going to let that go. What's the QL? That's it, the question list. Have you just made that up? Well, no. I said question list and then I abbreviated it. We don't want to be saying question list all morning. God forbid. It's not that easy to say. I'll be straight with you. I don't know if either of you have ever tried it. But all right, I'll do my best best Captain Bringdown. So I went for a haircut, I need to tell you this. You know, I go to the Turkish barbers, they who ignite my ear hair.

Yeah. Oh, yes. And I hadn't been since Edinburgh. I had a haircut in Edinburgh, if you remember, where I was celebrated for being a very well-known magician and I just went with it. But, so regular readers may know that I have a serious getting lost issue. I've got no sense of direction.

Even within this building, I've gone the wrong way. I fear for you every time you go to the latrines. No, exactly. And sometimes I go to go downstairs and that's one of the, they have men or women it says on the signs I think, but they have pink ones and blue ones and I'm

very confused when it's blue and it says men or women and I think why is it blue then? Anyway, they should all be purple. Anyway, anyway, so I couldn't find, I hadn't been like for about three months because of being away in Edinburgh. I couldn't find the Turkish barbers.

And I thought this is a real senior moment because it's in this road. And I was walking up and down the road, people were looking at me. Did you think for a moment it was one of those sort of tales of the unexpected, kind of, and it was never there. No one remembered where the haunted barber was. What do you mean the Turkish barbers

that burned down in the 50s and everyone was killed? Yeah. No, well, what happened was I realised that while I was away it had become a restaurant. Oh. Not even a Turkish restaurant. No. So it's gone. Frank, what are you going to do? I know. I was only, I'd been

going there for about six years and I'd only just reached the stage where we'd have a mid-cut chat. I'd only just reached that point. Did they not reach out to you and say, we've got some sad news, it's with a heavy heart? No, they didn't do any of that.

But looking back at it, those mid-cut chats were often about business being really bad. So maybe I... The signs were there. But it was, you know, I really liked it. I liked the guys. There was a good level of tip gratitude. Oh. What, you mean they didn't expect much?

Well, they were pleased, genuinely pleased when I gave them a tip. But now I realise why. So we're going to have to find you a new Turkish barber. Well, I'll tell you what happened. There's another barber in the same road that I went to once, and the man said I'm sorry but we only cut hair by appointment well um not to the queen to you know just appointment and um that's no good to me no I don't know it is with with I don't think you could do this I

don't think you're working a lady's hairdresser' hairdressers. But for you, Pierre, I never know when I'm going to suddenly want a haircut. Haircuts strike me like lightning. Is it with me? Unexpected times. Do you know, this is like a first date. I like kung fu hands too. I've been, this has happened to me a few times,

I've gone for a haircut and I've been sitting at home and I've stood up before I realised I wanted a haircut. My body had thought, haircut! So the idea of thinking, oh, you know, I would really like a haircut in the future, that, have you seen, you know in the alien ship lands in Close Encounters and all these people suddenly head out to it just halfway through a meal.

That's how I am with a haircut. So the appointment, I hated. They might as well say, you're not allowed a haircut. They might as well say, you know, would you like, do you think you'll fancy a dime bar next Thursday at 2.15? Either spelling, they might say to me. Do you know how far in advance I have to burn?

No, I'd like to know. And tell us after this, please. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In terms of your haircut dilemma, and we're discussing how we have, as men, we have haircuts on a sort of whimsical basis. I was going to have a whimsical haircut this very day after the show. Like you say, the thought strikes you the way it strikes a bird that it's time to migrate.

Something in you just says, you should probably have a haircut now. I don't want to think about it too much or I might back out. Yeah. Yeah. I mean... It's like laying an egg or something. Yeah, it's a bit...

I was thinking of something similar to that. If you don't do it straight away, it retracts. Oh, my God. Do you know... Tell us how long you have to wait for a hair appointment, Emily Dean. Well, gather round the fireside. Okay. Get comfy.

I'm trying to do a crackling. We're down after the... I have to. I choose to book online now, but I do have an emergency contact number. For a haircut? Yeah. Okay.

Should I absolutely desperately need an appointment butchers oh my god this is for George Northwood I'm not being paid to say this

I pay for my haircuts but just FYI it's okay it's okay yeah but he did the Alexa remember her Alexa Chung

the Alexa oh I thought you meant the Alexa I was in Alexa where you cut my hair? Apologies to everyone at home, by the way, whose Alexa will be going off. To hell with them. I don't have one.

Not only that, but... Charlie, Charlie, come on, Charlie. Just trying to get their dog going as well. Imagine having a dog called Alexa. Oh, it's great. why are the assistants always women? I'm just saying Alexa I spent years trying to stop

barking domestic demands at females and I had to really work at it and now they're asking me to do it no please, no thank you now Silicon Valley is undoing all that work. Yeah, exactly.

It's dragged me back to my bad old ways. Alexa, do it. Alexa, football's coming home. Yeah. I would like it if it was called... No, it isn't. It is! It definitely is.

It is! It'd be nice if it was called Jeeves and had a sort of smarmy tone. Yeah, it would. A little robot. Can you get a man one? Like you can, you know, in a Saturday you can have one.

Well, you can get the Siri man, can't you? I know I don't like the Siri man. There's a Siri Australian man as well. No. I don't like Siri, Jenner. I find he's a bit of an interrupter. Aussie Siri. Yeah, Aussie Siri.

I cannot help you with that, no. So, the hair, Frank. Yes. So I have an emergency appointment, in case I need an emergency appointment, an emergency phone number. But what I generally do, if I'm going on book, as it were, by the book,

I will, I'll go online. There's a series of profile pictures of the various stylists and a biog about them, should I wish to select them. Oh, right. So, you know, you get to see who you're having and you get to read about them. How deep into their backstories do you like to go? Oh, there's a lot of info.

Yeah. Yeah. Who they're there, where they've trained. For how long? Okay, there's a lot of info. Yeah. Yeah. Who does hair they've cut, where they've trained. For how long? Okay, I'm getting to that. So, I need to put cut and colour and blow dry and a gloss.

There's about six or seven processes to go through. But all done by the same person, aren't they? Oh, it's a bit like a pit stop. Are they all working on you at the same time? Come on, hurry up, I've got another lap. I would say, to safely get in with my top five, I would like to book at least three weeks in advance. Possibly sometimes a month.

Gosh. Yeah, I mean, I have days when I wake up and think my hair looks great. What about if it's that day I've bought the haircut? Have you ever sat and looked in the mirror just before they cut it and thought, no, no, it looks great, it looks great. Oh!

Sometimes halfway through. Yeah. Oh, but anyway, more on this. It gets worse. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you want... Sorry, I was just going to share

some Barbara-related correspondence. No, go on, share. This is from 813. Andy Wood, one of our regulars, as you know. Do you know Andy Wood? No, but thanks for the tip. Okay. You're getting it.

My barbershop has an appointment app where you see the name of each barber and available slots. You get alerts if anyone cancels an incutment. Incutment? He's gone encutment. Encutment? He's gone encutment, and I'm leaving it there. I quite like it.

Most worrying is when they offer a discount half-price haircut with a trainee barber. Oh, I'd do that. And what damage could you do to my hair? That's true. Usually, you've actually got lovely hair, Frank. Usually, this trainee is called lovely hair, Frank. Usually, this trainee is called Cal or

Jezza. Okay. Who would actually take a gamble like this? I think we found our man. I think we found our man. If you're listening, Cal. Anyway, so I said, I walked in and I said,

you have to have an appointment here, don't you? He said, not if you have it cut immediately. And I said, well, that was my plan. So the bloke started cutting my hair, and it says, like, wash and haircut. There's no wash, he just went straight into it. He said, what do you want? And I said, sort um early 20th century

east european novelist so um it's it means i like i don't just like hair i like flesh and hair combo yeah it's like a i like a fierce short back and sides the turkish barbers would always say no you wouldn't like that let us blend it and. And I said, no, I want a really hard line between skin and hair. And they'd go, no, honestly, you won't like that. And they used to talk me out of it. This guy, I realised, did have an appointment in 10 minutes time.

So he cut it. We've still got a conversation in. We talked about table tennis. Of course. I explained that I played penholder grip, and he said, oh, well, a new bat's coming out now, which really helped the wide backhand. So that was good news.

And other things I've never discussed with my hairdresser. Yeah, exactly. Or any member of the team. And then he said to me, is he in the Olympics? Is he in the Olympics? I think so. You're hairdressing, aren't you? Not hairdressing.

I wish there was. Hairdressing will be next. Crickets in the next one. That would be great. Yeah, there should be hairdressing. Fake tanning should be Olympics. Poetry used to be in the Olympics. Do you know that?

Yeah. It really did. Really? And painting. Yeah. Poetry. I think it stopped in London, 48, when it was won by somebody. You had to write about sport, a poem about sport.

And a woman wrote a poem about fencing called Sword Song. Anyway, so I got this haircut and then it's pretty, what do you think? It's sort of extreme-ish. And then I went on the

one show that night. Was this when you were talking with Claire Balding? Claire Balding. Yes, you went viral And I still had the worst haircut on the sofa How dare you? I love her hair I love Claire Balding, full stop

But my publicist My publicist contacted me She said there's a lot of stuff on social media About your hairstyle And I thought is there anyone in the world who would think, ooh, I wonder if that would be positive? Did you say, ooh, that's good? Yeah, I thought, did they like it?

No, not really. So I'm not allowed on social media by Elon Musk because I'm not... I don't know how to get on most of them. And I used to... What do they call it? Stalk Twitter or something. Lurk, darling.

Lurk. I used to lurk. But Elon, stop that. You have to be signed up to go searching. So I don't know what was said, but let's put it this way. I've been doing some gigs this week and my tour manager was having breakfast in a hotel in Birmingham

and he saw Lenny Henry and he was very excited so we went over and said hello and he said, I'm on tour with Frank Skinner at the moment. He said, I will give him my love and tell him he's got a terrible haircut. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Ruth Jordan has reached out to us. Of course. Of course. When did she last not contact the show, I wonder?

Okay. We'll be worried. If she doesn't contact the show one week, I'll be phoning the neighbours to see how many pints of milk outside her house. That's not a very good check anymore, is it? No. Because the milk man doesn't really exist. I know someone will say, well, actually, there's one in my...

But generally. Someone will say, I am a milkman. I like Spartacus. Pipe down. Yeah. Would Frank say that the comments about this haircut are better or worse

than the comments he had about his post-lockdown hair that time he was on the Graham Norton show? That question for Frank Skinner. I was too frightened to look at the comments then because I'd heard they were quite fierce. And also that was slightly different

because my hair had been cut by what was then my eight-year-old child whereas I'd just been paid 25 quid plus tip for this but um from a man who said and by the way will you apologize to David Baddiel because the last time he was here I started shaving his beard off just as a joke Tommy is here, I started shaving his beard off just as a joke. You're kidding. Yeah, and then he said, and then he wrote about me in an article or something like that. Anyway, so I suspect they were worse the first time, but I don't know, I'm guessing.

That was a worse haircut, surely. I'm still struggling to move on from the curious tale of David Padil, the shaved beard, and the article. Well, he said pass it on to him. I'm sorry, it was just a joke. This barber doesn't seem to me to be a natural diplomat. Well, I don't know. Also, if there's one breed of person I don't particularly want

having a sense of humour, it's a hairdresser. It's a hairdresser. Oh, really? Well, I just want you to do your job. I don't want you playing practical jokes on me. You don't want to have a hairdresser who's also a noted prankster. Steve Pink.

Yeah, well, maybe this was just a joke after looking back. I likey. We've got a text in just now that's definitely for me. 211 just texts in in full capital letters, Holy Roman Empire. And to you, sir. Yeah.

That's it. Just Holy Roman Empire. Okay, that's it. Yeah. Okay. I should say that Pierre, even though England are playing South Africa twice today, cooking and rugby, Pierre has come in in a South African shirt. Yes, I have.

We don't really come across this sort of thing. It's very rare. It takes the Rugby World Cup for me to bother. Yeah. I mean, personally, I don't care if they beat them in the Rugby World Cup, but if they beat them in the cricket, you're fired.

I find that all the sports tribalism of all the football fans I know disappears when it comes to rugby, international or otherwise. Yeah, well, I struggle with rugby, as you know. I'm sure it's lovely. Frank, Darren Cook has been in time. It's like something that a kind grandmother would say about rugby.

Well, I'm sure it's lovely. It's like the unkind grandmother. I like that. Frank, Darren Cook has been in touch. Question for Frank. Did he enjoy the band doing a swing version of the song Sex Bomb on last week's Strictly Come Dancing? Well, funnily enough, my partner said, I can't believe

there are children watching this. I can't believe they're doing this song with a guy going, Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. He was doing all that stuff.

Baby, you can turn me on. Yeah, it's a real Sinatra. Baby, you can turn me on. Yeah, it's a real Sinatra. Baby, you can turn me on. Yeah. And it was. It had the words. The thing is, every time sex was said,

I would sit next to my 11-year-old and when sex was mentioned, I'd go, which he loved. He loved. It is the only response to that word until you're about 58, in my opinion. And I'm sticking with it.

Who cares? Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Do you know I was on a GCSE mock paper? Yeah. An extract from my autobiography. And it says things like, does a Frank Skinner create mood in this piece it's about me when I was a kid nice to get to the top of the garden and

just scream at the top of my voice at night yeah now I've got this show I would like to take us back a bit do you remember when we did dad jokes on this show we got people to send in their dad jokes and one guy sent in and said not only did my dad do this joke over and over but I've inherited it now

he just reminded me of it he said every time my dad got in the car with us whenever he put it in reverse, he'd say, this takes me back. And now this guy does it. There's something vampiric about jokes like that. I love it. It's the repetition I love of those jokes.

Because I've got a few. Like if Kat's very touchy about food and if she says this is really oily, I always say, well, it's only quarter to one, regardless of what time of the day it is. I hate when you say that. But it makes me so happy. Anyway, carry on. You've also got a lot of prop work that you do regularly. Yeah, yeah. Twice, maybe three times I've been on a walk with you

and you've suddenly produced a pipe. Yes, it's good. I wouldn't smoke a pipe. I've tried smoking a pipe and I vomited most viciously. But you produced it in order because you had a punchline in mind. Well, men my age all smoke pipes when I was a kid, but

it's gone now. Anyway. Anyway, I would like to take us back to some correspondence we received during the week. And we do like getting your correspondence at any time. Sorry to go points of view, but I want to encourage our readers to contact us. And I'd like to share some of this with you, Frank.

We were discussing last week, if you may recall, the sort of generic advertising. Do you want to give us an example? Yes, I was talking about adverts like Cheese Please Louise, which was an advert for cheese, not for any specific brand of cheese, but just the general concepts of the abstract of cheese. Things like, do you remember beef? Yes.

And there was one, a pint of per person per day, which was an advert for milk. And there was a thing called the Milk Marketing Board. Yeah, so it's things that you wouldn't think need advertising, was the general idea. And Ben and Christ Church in New Zealand have been in touch. Dear Frank and team, on the subject of generic advertising, in 1980s Hungary under communism,

there were giant billboards across Budapest with nothing on them but this sage advice. Need shoes? Go to the shoe shop. That's fantastic. It comes across in a way incredibly rudely. Need shoes? Go to the shoe shop. Yeah, you know where you want to go. Comes across in a way incredibly rudely. What do you choose? I'm going to the shoe shop today. Yeah, you know where you want to go. But the shoe shop wasn't,

there wasn't a company called the shoe shop, was there? I don't believe, no. No, there was just a shoe shop. Because none of this is in caps. Put on government shoes. Yeah. Is it in toe caps? Go to the, oh God. Sorry, everyone.

Oh, dad jokes. Yeah, exactly. Text me back. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Whimsical Guardian. This is... This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. And I say again, Ross Noble will be our guest at 10am. If you want to send in a question for Ross, we've got our own,

but you know, yours might be better. Yeah. Send in a question and we'll ask some of those when he arrives. Is can one chase the stationery, the sort of thing you say when you go to Ryman's? Yeah, well, I do chase it there. Oh, man. I like a Ryman's.

Regarding the generic adverts Oh yes For concepts such as milk or shoes Yeah Well we've got one about milk From Rob in sunny Bedford One we didn't cover last week Last week we did pint of a person

Pint of milk a day Yeah pint of milk a day And watch out there's a Humphrey about Yeah some sort of milk demon. It was the concept that milk was such a prized asset that there would be dedicated milk thieves. On my Charles Atlas course, we had Milk Week. Of course, yes, Milk Week.

When you talk about your Charles Atlas course, I feel such love for you. Oh, thank you. I can't help it. Milk Week sounds like something from Celebrity SAS or whatever. It's Milk Week's coming up and the gang are afraid. I know you don't watch Strictly, but it would be a terrible, terrible edition of Strictly

when everyone danced to milk themes. Yes. And people saying, part of my dance was inspired by my lactose intolerance. Like Franks Ganatra. Franks Ganatra, that's me. Franks Ganatra. That is your tribute act.

That's my tribute. It's there on tour. Yeah. Well, Rob and Sonny Bedford, Re-Milk and Pinta. Hi, Frank and team. Pinta, sorry. It's so sad Pinter

it is yeah yeah I'm writing following on your chat about milk advertising our builders recently found a lot of old newspapers when they

knocked down a wall during some old renovations was it the wall of that old lady who's a hoarder who lives up the road no sorry

it wasn't supposed to be a wall but she built it which is this is a sort of archaeology now yeah in a way there's one paper the people newspaper oh i remember it from 1967 okay that has this fantastic advert for milk and it is a picture of a nice lady with a sort of eccentric hat on holding a glass of milk yeah brackets general yeah and looking sort of cheekily at the viewer and she's referred to uh the caption is pinter girl is popular oh pinter girl is her sort of superhero name okay and the caption

explains who is pinter Girl? Because they know that that's the first thing that we'd think. Yeah, exactly. It's just like Pinter Girl. It does look like Pinter Girl.

Is she starring in the Harold Pinter play? Yes. Who is Pinter Girl? Whimsical? Yeah. The Guardian. What's so special

about her? That's the secondary inquiry. Okay. She's pretty. Aggressive. Yeah, she's pretty. Okay. She's pretty. Aggressive. Yeah, she's pretty. Okay.

But that can't be all. And it's not. There's some suspense there. This is a girl and it could just as well be you. That's such a wordy ad. Yeah, it's a long old catch. It's not really a catchy slogan. It's not going to work on an egg.

I haven't quite gone full madman snappiness with this one, have I? No, this is where Henry James went into the advertising business. Yeah, turnover for the rest of the ad. What are they saying? It could well be you. This is a girl, and it could just as well be you, me, who drinks at least a pint of milk every day of her life, Maya Tallix. She likes it, full stop. Oh, no.

Well, that makes sense. She likes it. And the milk likes her. Apart from the layer of calcium it's left around her heart. Yes. I don't like she likes it. Diddly diddly. And milk likes her and makes her feel so good

that she can't help being nice I've never heard that about milk I've never heard that about ladies I might get cacophoned I'd say we honestly thought milk was the healthiest thing on the planet what's the final line to this then? if you're nice

people like you and that's the story of to this, then? Well, if you're nice, people like you. And that's the story of why Pinter Girl is popular. Yeah. Is that true, though? No. If you're nice, people like you. I think that it's only a bit true.

When people say, you people say it's a bit too nice. Yeah, must be all that milk. Yeah, exactly. If you can help them, people like you. I mean, babies often aren't that nice. And they live on milk now. Absolute narcissists. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There is a mysterious queue outside the studio.

I mean, quite a big queue. The average age, what do we think, 15, 16? Young. Yes, young. And we don't know what it's for. We'll put a picture up of them, see if you might know. No, that's our Kerry. She's queuing up.

They might get in trouble. They might get in trouble. They might get in trouble. They might have told lies about where they're at. It's not my problem. Maybe there's a new type of... Be honest to your family. There's a new type of Fortnite-themed crisp or something. Oh, there could be, yeah.

Well, we've just sent Jenny out for snacks, our assistant producer, and she's getting me tackies. If 16-year-olds see someone with tackies, she'll be torn apart. Like when a tropical bird escapes and getting the sparrows and the blackbirds and stuff resent

it's unusual nature. You're not hitting those tackies again are you? Oh god yes. After my incident I had an accident at work. Don't have one. I called one of those lawyers who had an accident at work. Yes I did.. I called one of those lawyers, had an accident at work. Yes, I did. Chilly's in my eye. That would be great if they'd had that on there on the advert,

for example, lawyers for you or whatever they're called. But they're just a silhouette of you. Yeah, I sued my boss. I put some turkeys in my eye. In case you didn't listen last week, I was eating the very hot snack tackies in the studio. Who aren't paying us. In fact, I think I said I went to the spot to say I loathed them.

No, I know. If people think they're paying them, it's a rough old advert, because I like how everyone else thinks they're vile. But Emily had one, and then robbed her eye, and like I say, it's got a super hot dust on it. And she wept like a child. I saw a viral video of someone giving it to a toddler eating. Someone giving it to a toddler.

Oh, no, I wouldn't give it to. No. I gave the dog the bag. The dog likes a crisp bag to explore after you finish the crisp, just to get the last bits out. But the tack is, he drew the line up. Oh, I can imagine. Yeah. Okay.

I would like to move us on to Louisa and Rob. I don't know if that was my best ever anecdote. I was trying to picture the reaction of the dog plunging its face into a bag of spice dust well my dad, we had chickens all the time when I was a kid and occasionally they start eating their own eggs I mean they wait for them to come out do they?

yeah they come out first and so what you have to do with my dad being like growing up in the country in County Durham, he got an egg and he blew it. You know, you put a hole in its side and blow the contents out. And then he filled it with English mustard and put it back in their cage and took the water out of their shed. And there was one just suddenly running up and down with its mouth open and

we knew it had eaten the mustard egg and so then he identified which chicken it was. Oh. I mean it's... It fell off the bone. And it tasted of mustard. Yeah, it had the mustard already in it. Internal marinade. Absolutely perfect.

I mean, I think it could be described as ingenious, but very cruel. We didn't know then. I'm not suggesting anyone does it at home. I don't know if anyone listens who's got chickens. It lives in a councillor's spot. Chickens could taste mustard. Did you need a licence to keep chickens? No, maybe.

And we needed a licence for a television, someone was telling me. I put it just down to tittle-tattle. I was in the one show dressing room and they put a bowl of chocolate and snacks for you to eat. So I just scooped it it up and took it home I thought, I had the licence payers money

just flashing in my mind these are mine, I've paid for these I don't want this to get into, descend I should say, into a text in about cruel things along the lines of what your dad did to the chickens. Yeah, okay. But just in, en passant, Lulu Popplewell has been in touch just to add, my mum used to put chilli powder on the flowers and veg patch. Oh, I see.

And I think that was to stop the squirrels getting at them. Oh. OK. You're clever. Well, clever and cruel. And cruel. No, look, we do not, we love animals on this show. We've also made a discovery.

Why are those kids queuing outside? In case anyone missed it, we have a large queue, don't we? A large queue of... It's a bunch of darn kids on our lawn. Yeah, 15 or 16-year-olds in the rain, in the pouring rain. Some of them are going on umbrellas. I didn't know that sort of the current generation would take on an umbrella. It seems a bit of an old-fashioned thing to...

It seems a bit Father and Mary Poppins for these youngsters. Some hooded youth flourishing a damp. We had our guesses. I thought maybe the Styles lad was en route. Yeah, well, you always think that when you see young people. They don't look like those kind of... They look a bit sort of more urban. I saw one of them flourishing a vinyl sort of,

what would you call it, sleeve. Okay. So I thought it's definitely music based. Yes. Anyway, we've discovered,

who is he? Tyler the Creator. Tyler the Creator. But it's not music, he is a musician. Oh, he's not a Tyler. Who is Tyler?

Who is Tyler? He's a creator. Well, yeah, but that sounds like you don't know what it actually is. He's a rapper. He's a rapper.

He's a musician. Yeah, I'd say so. Yeah. I would say so. He's, um... Why is he the creator? That's just his name. Yeah, but Frank will have something to say about that.

There's only one creator in Frank's world. I saw, um... That's still God's name. Tyler the Alpha and the Omega. I saw... That's still God's name. Tyler the Alpha and the Omega. I saw Mary J. Blige do a thing years ago on some American show, and she came on and started... You know, she had an incredible voice,

and she came on and sang, and then a rapper came on who I didn't know, but it was still rapper, and he just was really hitting the mainstream, and he came on and started rapping, and she looked at him a bit strange. I thought, she's going to go what are you doing?

What are you doing? You're not singing. You're just talking. Really quickly. Are you playing? Are you going to get us thrown out? Come on, man. Why are you just speaking like that? Oh, Mary J.

Blige. Upon, of course, on Much Obliged, her name. Did you know that? Is it? It's because of her gratitude to her fans and supporters. Oh, yeah. It's not true, Pierre. Pierre actually believed it, Frank. No, it's not true. I'm happy with that.

The idea that we had a sort of R&B singer whose name was put on Much Obliged, the thing that pensioners in the smedic used to say to the bus driver when they got off. Did they? As well as thank you driver, obviously. I'll tell you who else was a fan of Much Obliged.

Do you remember Frank Derrick Okora, These We Have Loved? Did he say Much Obliged? do you remember Frank Derrick Okora These We Have Loved did he say Much Obliged he used to say to the spirit world no he would occasionally when he would contact

the spirit world he'd go thank you we are very much obliged I think you'll find really you call it the spirit world but I think you'll find it was the world of spirits

the world of spirits which always sounded like an enormous half licence world of spirits it's because you can't say cheers lad to a ghost and he's there of course

he's entered the world of spirits do you think these youths will be saying thank you Tyler when they leave apparently he's launching a new clothesline not a clothesline obviously how do you say it Emily you're in fashion is it a clothesline?

Yeah. Is he a clothesline? Rangeline. Clothesline, pegs, the whole thing. He's a new range. Prop, a nice prop.

A new range, cookers. Yeah, but he's launching, so they're all queuing up to see Tyler, the creator, and they look,

I mean, queuing in the rain, he must be one hell of a guy. He's a creator. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. be one hell of a guy. He's a creator. Frank, Ross Noble's in the building. Oh, yeah? Have we had lots of questions in from our readers?

Yeah, we have. OK. OK. Your response seemed like they were a bit rubbish. No, but I'm going gonna save them for when our guests don't know of course i don't want to hear them now okay then we'll start answering them spontaneously yeah now listen we've heard from louisa in north somerset oh yeah do you remember we were talking about uh i remember when counties was just one word. They're all north this and west that.

The modern ways. Louisa and North Somerset, this is in reference to the sort of generic advertising, buy milk. What was the one we heard about this morning already in Hungary? Yeah, and there was pine to go. And there was need shoes, go to the shoe shop in Budapest. Good advice.

Morning, Frank, Emily, Pierre, and all the team, says Louisa. After the mention of the sinister pork man, who Pierre referred to last week. Oh, I remember that. That was a man who prepared pork for his family. He was slicing pork and talking about how pork was an important thing. What did he say? He was muttering about how much

there was. Everybody's got plenty. My wife's got what it takes. That's one of the things he said. And again, it was just for pork. The general. It was a glowering 70s dad. That's what dads did in the 70s. In a room that seemed unlit while everyone was

having a full Sunday roast. It did look like they were there against their will, the other people. It did look like a sort of Iranian embassy siege-style SWAT team would smash through the windows and take the pork man down. We didn't understand lighting concepts back then. There was one overhead light and you were done. Imagine if you confronted the pork man with pulled pork. A new move in the pork world.

In the world of pork. Anyway, Louisa continues. After the mention of the sinister pork man, does anyone remember the frankly terrifying public information advert promoting water safety? It had a truly sinister voice saying something like I am the spirit of dark and lonely water and the water itself look like something out of a horror film it scared the hell out of me

as a young child longtime reader occasional emailer so this is a an ad sort of I mean it's not for water it's sort of an ad against water when I was a child there was a what this ad brought to you by the dangerous water association

this ad brought to you by wehatewater.com there was a whole lot when I was a child of television based

warnings yeah so there was things like very there was obvious ones of television-based warnings. Yeah. So there was things like very... There was obvious ones like, don't leave the gas on. Yeah. But then there was, like, really obscure ones, like, wear something white at night. Oh.

And for some reason, pylons were a huge issue then. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I think people did that, but no one ever. The idea of where, you know, there were still lampposts in those days. Yeah. A white raincoat or a hat is swell. A shopping bag will do as well. Just use your ingenuity and wear a garment.

We can see. Filthy creeps. There's a bit where it went, it doesn't matter to us as long as you're conspicuous. It was very fine. This is the ads you need in an era when kids could really roam free. Yeah, that is true, I suppose.

Having to warn them and say, don't touch pylons. Was that the best they could do, was wear white? There was another one for that well-known danger, and the advert was called, don't overcrowd your car. It was about having too many people in your car. Oh, right. Did people just stop doing that? I don't know. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. doing that? I don't know. Emma Rooney in Formby, that's in Liverpool isn't it, I believe, has a question for you. I met Colleen Rooney the other night. Oh, did you? Never been to T-Bay services. Who'd have thought it?

Oh yes, this is when Frank talked a lot about T-Bay services and went viral. Well, I was asked about, you know, me and Claire Balding did a bit of motorway services reminiscing. Oh, yeah. You, me and Omar, the tour manager, had a marvellous roast. Well, I quoted you and you're, they've got handmade biltong. Did you?

Did you do that? Yeah, got nothing. I'll be straight with you. Oh. It's like doing a perfect impression of your uncle. People don't know. No, it's not. Get more famous.

People might laugh at it in retrospect. That's true. You can't just say to people, get more famous. It's good advice. Anyway. Right, Emma Rooney in Formby has been in touch. She wants your help

with something, boys. Morning, Frank. You're my joke guru. So I really hope you can help me here. For years, all I can remember

is the punchline to a joke, which I can only imagine is about Winnie the Pooh. Right. Can I give you the punchline, Frank? to see if you can help? The punchline is

Eeyore, Eeyore, Eeyore to know better. But I have no idea what the actual joke is. It's been driving me garrity we'll get back to that for about 30 years for the love of God, sorry Frank, or somebody put me out of my misery, please.

Well, you couldn't be in a better place we've got two nay three comedians here this morning yeah um let's kick off with you frank well i um i remember this joke i think she might have slightly um i believe the punch line is he always calls me that and um it's a difficult joke to tell in 2023 because it was a time when we were a little bit more insensitive. Yeah, I do apologise in advance. How bad can Winnie the Pooh get? There's a guy, it's not Winnie the Pooh,

there's a guy who is doing stuff and he says, a woman's in this shop, they're in a shop or something and the bloke says yeah pass me that donkey and then he says oi donkey can you bring me that over and then he says

can you close the door donkey and then he goes out and the woman says that's that's terrible that what the what him calling you donkey

and the guy says he or he or he always calls me that. Oh, God. There, I've said it. There we go. Yes.

Oh, dear. Well, I hope it's cheered her up if it's been nagging at her all these years. And Jonathan Pearce, the football commentator, do you remember him, Frank? Of course. Do I remember him? He's still around.

Oh, I do apologise, Jonathan. He's very active. But he used to say that of Tony Adams, didn't he course. Do I remember him? He's still around. Oh, I apologise, Jonathan. He's very active. But he used to say that of Tony Adams, didn't he? He used to call him the donkey. No, he'd say, Eeyore, Eeyore, Eeyore, he always gets those in. Oh, did they? So he was obviously referencing the old joke.

Tony Adams was known as Donkey, and then suddenly people realised he was brilliant. I spoke to him about it. Did you? What did he say? He said he was sort of all right with it because it made him a bit more well-known, the donkey nickname. But why was he called Donkey if he was brilliant? Did they sort of misunderstand his...?

I don't think I can go into the details of why he was called Donkey. Oh, fine! No, it wasn't that. He was a bit... No wonder he couldn't run as quickly as the other players. Yes, I just think people really appreciated him. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Pierre Nivelli. Open brackets, Anne Ross Noble. Close brackets. Hello. Texas show on 8 12 15 follow us on X

and Instagram at Frank on the radio and email the whatever frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk it's not a new app whatever it's just

a very non-specific thing it ought to be you just take a photograph like Instagram but instead of people liking it, there's a button. Yeah, whatever. Can I just, before we start, I just, look, I just need to clear something up, right?

Now, let me just say, before we go any further, I know your face is looking nervous, right? No, no, it's fine. You know that to me, you are on the Mount Rushmore of comedy, right? You are one of my heroes. You are the best, right? I'm just waiting for the bot. I've cleared that up.

Several weeks ago, on this very show, and I'm not... Stiff with stress, right? The thing is, there was a reference to the lead singer of Wizard. Right? Yeah. Who's the... Roy Wood. Do you roy wood you know i know where this is going

nobody nobody in this studio said no but thanks for the tip no now i'm sorry i know this is specific i know that this might be me being i'm just saying i've got nothing but respect for you but roy wood was mentioned and that was not said. No one said do you know Roy Wood. This is like points of view. So now that's all the way, I'm just saying just keep an eye on it. Just keep an eye on it. We here at Absolute Radio apologise unreservedly.

Look, even Homer nods. Yeah, you're quite right. I think it's because, maybe it's because of my love of Roy Wood, I felt it was slightly disrespectful. Oh. Yeah. But no respect for Victoria Wood?

Um, not. Is she from Birmingham? No. And what about poor old Vanessa May? She doesn't get that same respect either. That was one of my favourites. It all stemmed from an old joke. It stemmed from,

it began from a joke that was, do you know my sister May? No, but thanks for the tip. That was the original joke. So Vanessa May is closer to the trunk than Roy Wood. That sounds very Max Miller, that, doesn't it? Yeah. Do you know my sister May?

Exactly. Yeah. You know, we talked before about the punchlines. One of my favourite punchlines still like say

well in that case put it on and don't ride your bike for a week I think

that's the best punchline ever I think the best punchline ever we don't

need the rest of the jokes the best punchline ever is if I walk that

way I wouldn't need the talcum powder brilliant and the one leg of jock he said don't look at The worst line ever is, if I walked that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder. Brilliant. And the one-legged jockey said,

don't look at me, I'm riding a side saddle. I'm back in the 50s. And also, you can't use talcum powder anymore, just FYI. Is that right? It's carcinogenic, I believe, yeah. Is it? I think so. Well, look, I've got a bathroom cupboard full of it.

I'm not throwing it away. You see, the talcum powder's gone now. I think it is being faced out. It's political correctness gone mad. That's what that is. You can't even put carcinogenic powders on your kids anymore. You can't apply anything nowadays. It's the walker arty. That's right, yeah. carcinogenic powders on your kids anymore you can't apply anything nowadays come on hey it's the walk

it's the walker arty that's right you can't even fill a chicken's egg with anthrax anymore no I heard Jim Davidson

say the old PC brigade brilliant oh yeah yeah yes and what's that one

we go into hell in a hand cart I'm not pushing it if I can't use talcum powder. Oh, the chaff. Oh, man. You'll be able to hear the skin coming off. Did the chaffinch... I know, sorry.

The chaffinch, was that called chaffinch because it had... Was it related to chaff? Did their wings rub? Is the chaff inch... I think possibly because when you process corn, the chaff is left behind. That it might look a little fluffy thing like that.

You know what was on there? It's an idiotic Eureka woman right there. I didn't realise that the chaff inch is from the chaff... Well, I'm guessing. Finch. Well, it's biblical is it you know these things i used to have speaking of punchlines i used to have a chaffinch based punchline yes and if you i can remember that yeah was it sneezing yeah it was about middle class sneezing yes first

middle class person my dad used to do these massive sneezes that we all had to like put on waterproof clothing no hand in front of the mouth first middle class person but i was talking he went and i couldn't believe what happened and as i said i thought he'd swallowed a chaff inch and that was the punchline but i believe you used to say so the fez has been with the air i believe you used to say uh put Sarwesters on the smaller children. An excursion. I absolutely well remember. A beautiful use of Sarwester. That was the first comedy routine I ever did on television. There you go.

Introduced by Arthur Smith as, ladies and gentlemen, Frank Spencer. And then he obviously got something in his ear and went, Skinner, Skinner. Oh, no. Oh, no. The horror. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are with Ross Noble. Before we recommence,

Ross Noble is on tour, a 57-date tour called the Jibber Jabber Jamboree from 23rd of October to the 17th of March, 2024. There we go. Yes. coming to you all over the how long do you do uh it depends what mood i'm in no i do i do probably uh two hours maybe is that long too long for a show i feel like i want to go on at the front of a gig and say, how low can I go, guys? Who would leave you?

At what point do you think that's it, money's worth? You can go now. Really? They've had their money's worth after 10 minutes. I mean, it's all just... No, to be honest, in theory, I'll do about 45 and I'll have an interval. I'll come back on and do maybe another 45

and then maybe it's a bit at the end whether they like it or not. So it should really be hour and a half, hour 45 really. But the trouble is if they're enjoying themselves I'll do a bit longer. And if they're not enjoying themselves, I'll be, oh god.

I've done gigs where people have got up and I've gone, whoa, whoa, what's happening here? You're not enjoying yourself. They go,. I've done gigs where people have got up and I've gone, whoa, whoa, what's happening here? You're not enjoying yourself. They go, no, the car park closes at midnight. Yeah. Sorry about that. I only ask, if anyone ever says,

if I get any call from my management saying, they're offering you a gig, before they finish the sentence, I say, how long did I want? Yeah. Have you ever done those gigs where you're literally, a gig before they finish the sentence I say how long did I want yeah have you ever done those gigs where you're literally

you know sitting in a sort of corporate you know and they go here's quite a lot of money to play a horrible room and you literally go

exactly how many minutes is it and at 43 you're going I'm not going to start another thought here and you just think yeah

goodbye everybody well I've always got that worry that you might not get paid though if you don't do the full always up front like Chuck Berry

wasn't it it was Chuck Berry he used to get it in cash in a plastic carrier bag it was worth a taste when you're doing a two hour show

do you have drinks on stage with you absolutely not yeah absolutely not I will not stand for stage drinking I will not have do you have drinks on stage with you? Absolutely not. Yeah. Absolutely not. I will not stand for... Stage drinking. I will not have a stool on stage

with a glass of water with it. Absolutely not. I don't like it when they have a pint glass of water. Make an effort. Yeah. Oh, you're not going to get through a pint, are you? No. That's what I think when I see someone with a pint of beer.

That's massive. What are you going to do with the rest of that? Yeah see someone with a pint of beer. That's massive. What are you going to do with the rest of that? Yeah, it's a lot of fluid. Like the other week when you referred to them as big drinks. Those really big drinks. Oh, no. On the big drink front, though, you know what I got recently? Oh, my Lord.

I like a cordial, right? Because I'm not a drinking man, but I do like... And I don't like all this hydration business. It's all modern. But I like... I do like a drinking man, but I do like, and I don't like all this hydration business. It's all modern. But I like, I do like a cordial, like a proper Robinson's cordial. And I kept, I'd have one, I think, well, I could do with another one.

And my wife hates me for this. I bought a Stein, a giant German Stein. With a lid. Not with a lid, because that's going to slow down the cordial consumption if I'm constantly depressing. I'm not having that but it's a big glass one

like that. It's about two litres and I sit down at the start of the film I'll just be there sat in there and I just and I look at me staying

and I think I don't have to get up for two hours. You're a genius. You're a man after my own hydrated heart. I was at a hotel breakfast buffet this week

and they had water and it actually said on the label, it hydrates. Wow. I thought, doesn't everyone know that? There are people who think, does it? What is that news? It's a bit fine to milk, isn't it?

Read the label and go, I've been eating all this sand. You might as well put like a warning on it that says, warning, do not throw on a mermaid who has got her legs for a day. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, our readers have some questions for Ross Noble. Fire away. Okay, I will.

It's all a bit Piers Morgan now, isn't it? Mr Noble, on the 13th of August, 2008... Yeah, where's my child support? It just says, in brackets, read it in this accent. With indignation. Yes. And then she texts us back in, none of indignation. Piers Morgan used to make them cry,

and now, I don't know what happens, he's got another one. He's got another show now, I think. Is he on GB News? Oh, he's on the GB News, yeah. I like the GB News. Do you like the GB? Well, here's the thing, right? yeah. I like the GB News. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Do you like the GB? Well, here's the thing, right? Now, you mentioned before, not on air, but you mentioned before,

I've had a bit of a trim of the old haircut, right? I haven't had a haircut for five years. It was getting unruly. It's stunning. Thank you. I'm quite happy with it. It's not, I haven't gone, like, full buzz cut or anything. It's, you know, it's like a...

I'd say you've gone exactly the same. No, it's not, fam. But that's the thing. My hair had got down. I mean, it was very much... You would have come and seen me rock in Birmingham in the 70s. It had really got to that. Good diveress.

Oh, good Lord, yes, very much. It was mermaid without a bra. It got to that length. But one of the reasons why I cut it was it was mermaids without a bra it got to that it got to that length but one of the reasons why i cut it was because i get you know how you get the graham norton thing people coming up to you take your graham norton or jasper carrot whatever i get um neil oliver from coast so you know which is fine when he used to present shows about like lovely puffins oh yeah we like them lighthouses you look at.

And I go, oh, thank you very much. Oh, the people in that. Oh, them lighthouse shows. And I go, oh, thank you. But he's gone. He's tipped and he's on the GB News. Oh, he's got issues. He's like, yeah.

And he doesn't like, apparently, the COVID. Oh, he didn't like how that was handled. Do you get old people coming up to you and saying, I like how angry you make me. Exactly, yes. I don't like them either. Well said, you. I'm glad someone said that.

But even on those serious documentaries, there used to be lots of shots of him standing cliffside with the wind blowing through his hair. All the time. And he always wears like a kind of a, what are those things? Like a buff, you know those things? Oh, yeah. And when you see the clips from GB News, he's still wearing it.

You endorse me. You endorse me. Ross, you've got to protect the brand, even on GB News. He has a wind machine by the side of his desk at all times and an old lighthouse keeper who just steps out like that. He's like, you still filming? He's like, yes. Do you think the buff thing has sort of melded to his skin?

You know when they find people who died like three months before and they've become part of the mattress? Do you think that's happened to Neil? People who died like three months before and they've become part of the mattress. Do you think that's happened to Neil? Or it could be that all of that is his neck. It's his actual neck. And at any point, he can elongate his whole neck.

He can extend and that goes very smooth. Yeah, like the old bendy bosses. Exactly. I like to think when he does it, even though it's a dramatic moment, there's a slight accordion noise. You know how he developed that? It's because the lighthouse keepers,

at the top of the, they'd be in their house, looking at them, and he's just going, Neil doesn't want to walk up the stairs. So he just goes, like that. Hello there,

I've come to look at your puffins. Yeah. Like when they have that conversation in the law racks and the guy's in a higher window. Sorry, you were going to ask me a question. I was. But this is Ross Noble. Hold on, I'm afraid the fez is out now.

Oh, God, the fez. Busy, busy, busy. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Right. Right, let's do this. I'm going to take control here. Let's not get sidetracked.

Let's answer this question. Here are some questions from our fabulous readers for Ross Noble. Lovely. First up, this is from Wendy in Hawley. Hello, Wendy. For Ross, if you were offered the role of James Bond would you cut your hair or play him as you are?

You know what there's always the there's always the dilemma there isn't it and look I'll be honest with you you know it's one of those questions I have to ask myself all the time

all the time I see my management and they went oh they're talking about Bond again I go look I've got the tour but I'm sure I'm in the frame for it the question always is like whenever I do

acting whenever I do acting I do like to do like sometimes people say do you want to be in this film or whatever do you want to do this thing but what they want is they want you to just be yourself you know where you don't change your voice you don't you basically you know they carry on the film it's just you know the Frankie Hound

it's just you with a hat on as opposed to a character so I like doing character stuff right so part of me thinks if I got offered James Bond I would insist that I had to do it as myself with my accent and I basically like whatever the script was I was allowed to put my own stuff

my own little spin on it and then you know so that people would just be watching spend all the money, but not give any hint that that was the case and do all as if it was absolutely dead straight and then literally Hugh comes up and says, ah, Bond, alright mate? I would like

to see a scene of Le Chiffre interrogating you and going, if we could get back to the crush! And instead of M and Q, you could have Y and I. You always met as a double act. Why, I? Of course, Andek could play them, couldn't he? Oh, yeah, perfect.

Look at that. Oh, there'd be merch as well related to them. Geordie Bond. You couldn't have a long head Bond though could you yeah but he's criminal now he's got a big star

like he's been shipwrecked oh god shipwrecked Bond you know how they do like shipwrecked Bond well that island

because at the end you know spoiler alert but you know when he's on the island and the missiles come down perfect

boom it all blows up and then it's like you know he's there and he left the woman and all that. And then instead, the new film starts and it's him, like Yosemite Sam, you know, when he gets blown up. It's him just all with his hair on fire. And he goes,

wow, wow, that was close. Does it go, wow, wow, wow, wow. He does a little cough. No one's going to come to this island after that bombing. German Fleet has a question. German Fleet. The whole of the German... Bismarck?

Bismarck. This is from Otto in Prussia. German Fleet says... Yes. No, German Fleet. German Fleet says... Hang on a sec. Does the end brackets do this in a German accent?

Does Ross still feel Geordie? That is a question from a Geordie. Oh, there we go. German Geordie. I sort of feel, well, the thing is I'm from eight miles north of Newcastle. Strictly speaking, I'm Northumbrian. So, yes, I get very... That's nice.

I've got an image of a dry stone wall. Oh, dry stone wall. The sound of Catherine Tickell playing the Northumbrian pipes. That's nice. I've got an image of a dry stone wall. Oh, dry stone wall. The sound of Catherine Tickell playing the Northumbrian pipes. That's so beautiful. So I do feel Geordie, but I think, you know, I haven't lived there for a long time, so I think I would be... Because isn't it that cockneys have to be born

within the sound of the bow bells? Yes. I was born in the sound of the bow bells. Well, you're a cockney. I know. Now, there's a game show who's the cut me i'd see if that'd be a very good family was under not many would go for that that would be great actually welcome to you are a cockney with emily zine like who do you think you are yeah and then you have a selection

of pearly king pearly jackets and you just go oh is she gonna is she gonna go for the pearly they're just left around the room like Taskmaster sort of just

just pearly jackets around the place but you don't know why you're in the room you go I'll try that and it says fruit do you eat it or sell it

the spoons the spoons are on the side does she use it as cutlery or does she use it as a musical instrumentation? Frank, we've got Ross Noble, friend of the show in the studio.

He's like an honorary, he's like proper hardcore friend of the show. Honorary friend of the show. I say not really a friend of the show. Yeah, yeah. As soon as I said that, I wanted to retract it. When you get an honorary doctorate from the university. Iary friend of the show. I see not really a friend of the show. Yeah, yeah. As soon as I said that, I wanted to retract it. It's like when you get

an honorary doctorate from the university. I've got two of those. Have you? They mean nothing. Did they make you go to the ceremony and put the gowns on? Yeah, you get...

I mean, Birmingham, you got a medal, a big medal. What is it, gladiators? Overhanging. Does it whack your ears? You get a warm hearted handshake

did you have to do the because I always think that's a bit of a scam where they go oh I'll give you the honorary

docket and then you can do a bit of a gig do a bit of a commencement speech yeah there is a bit of that and you just

go so what you're just giving me a bit of a scroll so I'll turn up and do your gig free corporate

I'm not actually I hadn't thought of that. Would you like to do a corporate for the scroll? For the scroll, which I do normally. If somebody offers me any form of parchment, I'll turn up.

Or film. I'm going to need some wax on there. Frank, can I ask Ross Noble about Celebrity Apprentice Australia? Please do. I don't know if anyone's... You're on your own. What the hell were you thinking?

Well, Celebrity Apprentice Australia, I'm a big fan of the show in general. Yeah. And it is available on iPlayer. I watched it. You can see it. And please do. Yeah.

Because it's quite something. Lord Sugar is involved in it. Oh, no, they did. That's one of the things that swung it. Oh, and that's the fact that every theatre in the world was closed and I haven't been out of work for... Sorry, I mean the charity, that's what I did. It was...

Yeah, they rang me up because I've been very... I've always said any comedian that goes on any form of reality TV show instantly loses all my respect and i go you've clearly got no you've got no self-respect and then the pandemic happened and i got a phone call and they went um do you want to do celebrity apprentice i went i've always loved business and uh so yeah i went up to do it and my plan like you guys haven't seen it but basically what happened was is that i thought to myself, right, if I was going to do a reality TV show, what's the best way of doing it?

I thought, go on there and basically just get some money for charity, obviously, but why not go on there and just be as insane as you possibly can? Like, literally go on. And when you sat at home watching it and just go, oh God, wouldn't it be funny

if somebody just did that now? Well, I did that. And I thought, I know what'll happen here. I'll go on there, it'll be really entertaining, it'll be a right laugh for a couple of weeks, and then I'll get fired, right? But what happened was, it's not exactly, it was like Brewster's Millions.

I couldn't get fired. You couldn't get fired? So I was literally just going, and that was partly because... You got to the final. Oh, wow. Literally, the only reason I didn't lose is because the woman that I was up against, who's a lovely, lovely woman,

but she just made a bit more money than me and that's the only reason I didn't win. But I was coming up with these, at one point, I came up with this idea for a hamster hotel, right? They don't even have hamsters in Australia. And like, you know, at one point, I was selling the cursed sand of Tutankhamun, right?

I was just, it was builder's sand and I was just putting it in and I was saying that you could curse your friends and all the rest of it. I'd get in the thing and I'd made loads of money. I sold all this sand and I'm thinking, well, Lord Sugar's just going to go, come on, you're just hitting the mic now. He came in, he went, you've made more money than anyone else. And then, yeah, so it was just... What about when Lord Sugar, in the very first episode,

he said I don't know who any of you are the only person I've heard of is Ross Noble so rude to the other celebrities they looked furious

they were absolutely furious will you use a license oh god yeah absolutely and they were like what are you mates have you met him have you met him

is he your mate and I go no I'm from the UK he might have seen my work on the popular television. Did you say Lord Sugar? Yes.

And I did tell them that I can't say that on it. That's wonderful. Afterwards. It's interesting. I wouldn't have thought of him as sort of pro-Zany. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, I'm going to step away from Zany. Okay. That's all a bit Timmy Mallet for my liking. I would say... You say that like it's a bad thing. I would say more subversive.

OK. No, he was just... I think, you know what it was? I think that because he's from... He's a fighter, isn't he? One of them guys that he's built himself up and I think he looked at me and just went, here's a guy who clearly just, you know, he's having a go. Yeah.

But I think it was, yeah. He just respected the hustle. Yeah, exactly. You took some sand, you made money out of sand. Yeah, exactly. You're probably thinking, this bloke's obviously the next Bond. I'll best get on side. thinking this bloke's obviously the next bond i'll best get on site can i repeat that ross noble's jibber jabber jamboree tour is on from the 23rd of october 23

to the 17th of march 2024 st patrick's night that'll be a great end of tour thing go and see that he's a very very we've heard him so you know and thanks for listening to us if the good lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again

this time next week now get out