The Frank Skinner Show - Give Us A Clooney

Episode Date: December 12, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has had difficulty putting up his Christmas tree. The team also discuss George Clooney’s dramatic weight loss, dog’s surnames and martial rows.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Alan. Morning. Morning, Jim. Morning, everyone. Morning. Morning, Jim. Morning, Peter. Oh, I've got myself a couple of Dave Berry mugs. Have you?

This morning. Did you indeed? Brand new. Brand new. Well, who knows? I don't care if they weren't brand new. Were they gifts from DB? I'm happy to drink after the Berry men.

Dave Berry and his Berry men. There's a woman as well, but I'm using the word man. There's a woman as well? Yeah. Kath will be pleased about that because she's a big DB fan. We have it on every morning.

I do as well. And I still haven't completely worked out the quiz. Really? Yeah. We're doing this again, are we? Yeah, anyway. It's alright. We can't do it again. It's the no repeat guarantee.

We can't. I don't think we can repeat. We've been on 11 years. I think we have to avoid discussing the same concepts. Oh, God, hang on. Let me get a pen. Oh, no.

No, I'm sure we have. Texting this morning, your favourite thing about 2020. I am... Oh, God. Mark, I think it's a year that's going to get a lot of stick in the reviews of the year. Wouldn't it be lovely to have a really positive one? I mean, West Brom got promotion.

That's how I'll remember this year. There you go. Yeah. Every cloud. That's so cute. Mark Cotterill, Frank. Oh, yeah. I like contributions like this.

He simply says, I remember where I was when I heard the ballet link. Oh, I stopped that with Kennedy. For any uninitiated, we did... This show is a series. I mean, I'm always reaching for the stars. And when you reach for the stars, sometimes you fall flat on your face, you know. Yeah.

There are radio shows, and not on this station, but who are happy with that, that straight to flat line across. But for me, I'm always trying to soar like a mighty comedy eagle. That can go so wrong. And the ballet link was, I don't know, I'd say one day I'll listen to it again, but that would be a mistake. I remember I went back and watched Man With Two Brains again,

believing it to be the greatest comedy film of all time. And I wasn't partial. So... No, but you might be pleasantly surprised by the ballet link. We did a link. I haven't been pleasantly surprised since, I think, 91.

Oh, dear. I'm not saying I haven't been surprised, but pleasantlyaves are very distinct We did the ballet link and it was awful It didn't work I think it was boring wasn't it It was boring I think that was your problem with it

I don't think it was that any jokes particularly misfired I just think there wasn't enough of them Yeah I think people It wasn't very funny Frank We had about 20 texts saying, I think you're accidentally broadcasting Virgin. But, you know, I wouldn't say we've never looked back. I'd say I'm not a comic who doesn't always have one eye

on the rear-view mirror of my miserable failures. But some of them, as we know, did fall on stony ground. Even the great Sower finds that. So it's fine. By the way, while you're on, is it still possible to ask Jeeves? That's a good question. It feels very 90s.

But I'm inclined to ask him. When I first asked Jeeves, I remember being gutted that the answer didn't end with sir. I mean, if you're going to be Jeeves, the little image had him with a try. I mean, go with it. Don't to be Jeeves the little image had him with a try go with it, don't half be Jeeves and not just sir

I want a very good sir certainly sir nature, I'd got me monocle on, my plus fours all ready for his response and it was computer talk very disappointing anyway if anyone out there

knows if you can still ask Jeeves do let us you ask him and he's quite sullen about the whole Google thing drinks a bit more than he ought to unshaven, the logo now is him on waste ground

with a few other servants. It's all at an angle, it's hanging off. Parker from Thunderbirds and Kato, the Green Hornets, are all sitting around. Alfred as well from Batman. Oh, yeah, passing around the... I think, if I remember rightly,

Jeeves used to drink hair lacquer with fortified wine. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you want some Ask Jeeves updates? Do I? Because you were asking about Ask Jeeves earlier. I was. Wondering what had happened to it. Stuart Hack, apparently Jeeves was relieved from duty.

Not sure why. Some say he purposely answered incorrectly, causing all sorts of mayhem. The service is now simply called Ask. Oh. There you go. OK. And Tuppence, a regular contributor to the show,

has said, Ask Jeeves has been replaced with Asking Siri, I'm afraid, Frank. I remember a very long link where you were asking Siri about where one could buy a battered Savoy sausage. Oh, Frank, that's such an awful thing to ask Siri. How did he... I can't remember us doing Radio Gold like that. I can't remember what Siri came up with for that.

Can I apologise to Siri on behalf of everyone in this room? Don't apologise. I find him surly. Surly Siri, I call him. Well, that's... So ask is... If I want to ask James, it's just that. I suppose because James is associated with the aristocracy

and that's gone out of fashion. Oh, yeah, yeah. Not very, though. I mean, they've done well, haven was associated with the aristocracy and that's gone out of fashion. Oh, yeah, yeah. Not very, though. I mean, they've done well, haven't they, the aristocracy? Who are they now? One family. Joey Essex. That's the new aristocracy, isn't it?

It is, that's the new aristocracy. Jeeves, I seem to remember, did he wear spats? I wouldn't have thought he would. Well, he shouldn't be, but it wouldn't surprise me. I wouldn't either. Bertie might have done. Because, thank the Americans, they don't understand. As I may have said to you before,

I've been recommended P.G. Woodhouse's books on several occasions. Don't you know? I didn't get on with them at all. Okay. Sorry to hear that I'm sorry because people tell me they were hilarious and I'd love them but they are, thank you

it's all opinions now I think we're getting a spat now we've finally got some spat not with my Frank and 013 has texted you asked what's the good stuff that people will remember about 2020. And they said the best thing for 2020 is the fact that me and my first wife got back together after 12 years.

And my son and her son are both nine years and get along very well. William the Brazilian, they add. William the Brazilian? I think it's William the Brazilian. Oh, OK. years and get along very well william the brazilian they add william william the brazilian i think it's william oh okay brazilian okay must be cold this one well that that i mean that's a lovely love story as a parent i can't help thinking you think oh god if we get the two kids together all these things up a bit on the front. You know, they'll keep each other happy. I think that's... No, that's a lovely story.

You'd feel less guilty about a home alone. Yeah, I think that's... See, I think I'd always like to look on the good side in people, and years, and I think this year's going to get terrible. I mean, par exemple, I was doing a bit of last-minute Christmas showing and it was bitter. Oh, it was absolutely bitter.

Not what I was buying. I actually bought a cask of mild. You see, I don't think December the... When was this? 10th, let's say. That doesn't count as last minute to me. I know. I'm proud of you for being ahead of the curve. Can I be honest with you?

At my age, all shopping is last minute, potentially. Anyway, I'm still holding off on the calendar. I'm a temp fate. But I was in the street, it was bitter. There was a wind, I was cold. And I thought, I don't know what I'll do. So I put my mask on, which I had in my pocket for shopping. Much warmer.

Last year, I wouldn't have had a mask in my pocket. It's been a great year. Bringing you on Absolute Radio. I'm reading Wurzel Gummidge to my son at the moment. It's given me a fabulous chance to do the voice, to the Pertwee voice. I would say reading to children is when I do my most acting. Yeah.

Yeah. Nowadays. Yeah, especially because it's sort of voice acting, so you can do stuff that you're not constrained by being typecast in any way, are you? It's like radio drama because you've got the script there and you can saw. Can I give you a note, as a friend?

As a child of performers, that was one thing I did struggle with, was the actor putting a little bit too much heart and soul into the child's story. Uh-oh. I was very aware of it. Like, the tiger who came to tea... Just read the story, Milly.

Oh, really? Because when I'm reading to my daughter at the moment, I always think that she's thinking, God, that's so good at all this. That's what I'm thinking all the way through. No, she's thinking, what an old ham. Yeah. I was watching Bob Geldof's documentary on WB Yeats this week.

He had a lot of actors on reading poetry. I think they should be kept separate. I found a lot of the time I was going, all right, all right. Never read. No need to shout. I like acting. I respect actors. I don't like I like acting I respect actors I don't like too much acting

that's my thing yeah I think you've been nicer there than you could have the first part with the like acting and like actors respect them

how often how many times a day do you think Brian Blessed's family say no need to shout yeah seven probably not because I imagine they all have great wads of cotton wool Is there a day do you think Brian Blessed's family say no need to shout? Yeah. Seven? Probably not, because I imagine they all have great wads of cotton wool sticking out their ears.

Do you think they often visit garages and just take the earplugs for the staff? Yeah, those big industrial earplug things. I wonder, can't you hear me? Oh God, it's driving me mad this week. When's Pepper Pig recording again? Get him out the house for a week.

Ah, good old Brian bless him. Oh, Brian, Brian, Brian. So I, um, I... We've had a lovely, uh, sorry Frank, you were talking about people mentioning their high points. I'll be positive about 2020. I want to, by the time we get to the end of this show,

I want people to think, you know what? It's been a great year. Yeah? Well, always mute the weirdo on Twitter. I pause, but I think it's all all right, isn't it? For me, the part where the air became clearer and cleaner due to nobody going anywhere

and birdsong of course let us not forget a preponderance Jimmy White face masks suit me is that what he said? that's a good gag very fine I'd forgotten about the me. Is that what he said? Oh, that's a good gag. Yeah. Very fine. Yeah,

say there's more pluses. I'd forgotten about the air and the birds. Well, that's been a long time since the 90s, dear. It has. Nigel Turner, sorry Frank, our lockdown rescue greyhound Lucky. Oh, cool.

Same dog name. Oh, yeah. Snap. Snap. Makes you wonder if he's a rescue dog. Maybe he's misnamed. Yeah? Yeah, I don't know. You know, somebody actually said to me,

this is the first time I heard the term, I'm not making this up for comic purposes, they said, blah, blah, blah, he's a rescue dog. I said, oh, wow, amazing. And we talked for another 30 seconds with me thinking, picturing a St Bernard with a small barrel of rum dragging a mountaineer, a fallen mountaineer, to civilisation.

And of course they meant the dog had been rescued. It's like my confusion with animal hospital. I was all set thinking there'd be animals with scalpels and stuff, sellotape to their paws, doing open-heart surgery on screaming human beings because they hadn't quite got, in their animal minds,

there was no room for anaesthetic as a concept. Oh well. 2021, as they say. Oh well. 2021 as I say. Can't follow this baby. Someone's favourite thing this year Carol Carol Venselaar

announcing Christopher Eccleston is returning to Doctor Who. Is that correct? Well he's returning to Big Finish's audio dramas Doctor Who. He's not returning to the TV show that we know of. Oh, that's cleared that up. Well, there's a whole audio world

where Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy and Peter Davidson and Paul McGann are all still ongoing. And Tom Baker, ongoing Doctor Who. Wow, I must download that. Well, I tell you, I subscribe.

I thought you might. It's fabulous. It's really good stuff. Anyway, we put the tree up. Oh, yeah. And that was difficult. Why? Oh, well, first of all, Kath, my partner, always wants the biggest tree in town.

She's obsessed with massive. I would have an artificial myself. It seems to me more eco-friendly. Nevertheless. I think the jury's out on that, but yeah. Yes, I think some people say it is better. I think Kath's right. It is better to have the originale.

Well, you have to chop them down to do that. Oh, did you have to do that? You do, but I think they're specifically grown for that purpose, okay? Yeah, but you tell that to the Lorax. That's my advice. Did you have to do some sawing of the bottom to fit it into a stand? No, we got a stand and we got the tree. Oh, I had a terrible hour and a half trying to carve the bottom

into almost like a penciled shape with a saw. Yes, exactly. You have to have a point. You have to. You need a sort of Van Helsing point on the end of the tree. I'm still getting over it. It was exhausting. And I'm what they call a fitness enthusiast. I know. I found it exhausting.

Think about me. Did you get this? You're Harold for my Albert Steptoe. Did you get the saw out, Frank? I didn't, but I had to get it into the stand. So I had my sister-in-law holding this tree. She's a thin, you know, woman. She's not like a big powerhouse.

No. thin woman. She's not like a big powerhouse. So I'm underneath the tree trying to steer this pointed thing into the small gap. The needles were falling down. I could hear she was struggling

with the weight of the tree. I thought it could come. I have done live television, enormous stand-up gigs. I don't think I've ever been more stressed, afraid even, than I was under that tree. It was an alarming... When I got out, I felt like I'd got a bit of

flu on me. Yeah. I was so shaken up by it. Then, one thing I realised... You know they come in a sort of sheath now, Christmas trees. They come in the netting, yes. I've learnt and anyone who's about to put a tree up is a little hack for you um get it up first before you take that netting off okay oh yeah um you see how i changed words there to keep it clean yes what a professional broadcaster i've

become yeah yeah because if you try which i did i took it off and then i i put the tree up you're not working with the tree you're working amongst it yeah so you don't disrobe the tree until a number one no exactly get it up with the um netting on and then cut the net in and let it, otherwise you're handling this forest thing pointy, spiky resentful of having been chopped down yeah and finally the mistake

which you could say was an amateur error is put the star on the top or whatever you're going to put on the top, put that on the top before you erect the tree oh that's clever. Oh, now, do you know what? That is a good tip.

I hadn't thought of that. Unless you've got some steps in your home. Well, but if it's a big tree like this, you can't get the steps close enough. I'll tell you what I did. I said to Baz, because we had the tree up. Is yours big in the midfield? Oh, it's a wide tree.

It's a bit like a c tree. It's a bit like, like a cedar. It's like that. Anyway, I said to him, have you still got that grabber of yours? And he had one of those plastic, you know, it's like a hand operator. So he went and found it and I managed to put the star on with that.

And it honestly felt like one of my, when I realised it was fixed on there, I don't think I've ever felt prouder. I really felt I'd done so much. I'd given up on that star. You can see the happiness in his little face, can't you? Oh, man. You never give up on your star, Frank.

No. Well, no. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I'm thinking of buying one of those like a massive sort of pencil sharpener for next year for Christmas so that I can sharpen the bottom of the tree

if we buy a real one that's a great idea it's good isn't it maybe I'll manufacture them and sell them oh did you put the top thing... Do you have a star angel? What do you go for? I don't suppose you go for an angel.

The kids decorated the tree whilst I was away, so I'm assuming that they used furniture and climbed up and... Oh, OK. Do you want to know what I have? No accidents. A sparkly bow. Oh, nice.

Nice. I thought I'd mix it up a bit. Do you remember when Harry Kane had his golden boot on the top of his shirt fantastic oh when I put that star there I imagined this is what God must have felt like

when he placed the stars in the firmament I don't know if he was one of those grabbers speaking of we should say congratulations to Absolute Radio's Jason Manford who hosted the Royal Variety show this week Did he? I didn't watch it

I think it was to an empty because there's been this thing going round there's a thing going round at the moment and so I must say I've done the Royal Variety twice and both times i thought if there was one single thing that would improve the experience it would be to get rid of the audience

so i'm glad someone's finally you know actioned that and i think you'll find they won't bring them back next year i've been seeing what it's like now i haven't seen how much fun it could be yeah without them i am i don't know if you remember but i've been looking for a keep it clean a place to put my pen when i'm writing because i keep i'm sitting i put the pen and i can't find it anywhere and i suggested the ear, but it wasn't really working. You don't pucker up and go for the moustache-type pen? Temporarily I can do that, but I can't keep it. But that was a holder.

You favour longhand over the old laptop, do you? Mainly. Is that lovely? See, when I started in this crazy old business, I didn't have any of that electric stuff, so I wrote all my jokes freehand, so I've stopped with that as a general. Isn't that right? How lovely, Frank. Anyway, I tell you what, I had a COVID test the other day. And I was just chosen randomly by the NHS to be part of their thing.

I had to put this very long thing up my nose. And it says, continue feeding it in until you meet resistance. I don't mean some brunette in a beret. Continue feeding it in until you meet resistance. Oh, dear. I don't mean some brunette in a beret. Talking about the fallen Madonna. Exactly. I'll stop that there. I mean, it's not that.

I don't have that kind of... Black full-length leather coat. That's that kind of sinus stuff. But anyway, I fed this tube up and I just wasn't meeting any resistance. It kept going and I thought if I took a wrong turn in there

in the mini, I'm just going to feel it pierce the lower part of my brain. It was really and I thought I could easily put a pen up here when writing. Oh, don't do that. I thought I could easily put a pen up here when writing. Oh, don't do that. Oh, I could easily. I remember seeing Sylvester McCoy when he was called Sylvester McCoy.

Knock a six-inch nail up his nose. Don't try it at home, kids. No. Or adults. Was this when he was the doctor, Frank? Before he was the doctor, he was in alternative theatre. Was he? Ken Campbell type of Frank. Before he was the doctor, he was in alternative theatre. Was he? Ken Campbell type of thing.

Was he really? Yeah. Do you know, that makes a lot of sense. Frank, yeah. And pretty amazing. He could knock this six... I'm thinking now I could do that. I wonder if his hair looked like that.

Yeah. So, I got a lot more storage space than I thought I had. Good to know. These people who use the Class A drugs, I'd just keep a drinking straw up there all the time, pull it down like an attic ladder when required. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner. Oh, dear. OMG. Goodness me. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cot. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. A couple of things, Frank Skinner. Uh-huh. Firstly, Al, I was at the vets recently, and they've taken to calling out the full name of my dog. They attach the surname, and it is a bit strange. They say Raymond Dean.

Oh, yes. Oh, I thought you meant, you know you get those dogs on when you sit there at pedigrees, and they say, oh, yeah, it's Ray Ray it's Raymond Cavalier my dog has that oh what's your dog's my dog's real name is

Lacey Wichita Moonbeam Goddess wow Lee yeah oh

and we changed the Lacey to Lucky and the rest of it we've kept you know the thing about your port name involves your first pet yeah

it'd be a problem if you took the official. But do you get that, Al? Or is it just a London, sort of soft London thing? Because when they say, do they say Lucky Cochran? Yes, I think they do, yeah. I find that. Do they really? Yeah.

I think you get it off, Al, when you hear that instinctively. Yeah, I mean, I haven't done the last couple of vets visits, but yes, they... Lucky Cochrane. They do go for surname, which I think people have mocked. I think it's one of those things that's funny, isn't it? It is a strange... Well, what did you have when you and David Baddiel shared an animal?

That would have been Chairman Meow Baddiel Skinner. He was very... The cat was very much Dave's. Oh, right. Chairman Meow Baddiel he was. was very much, the cat was very much Dave's. Oh, right. Chairman Meow Badil he was. Yeah, it would have been, yeah. I had no part in it. If it had been up to me, et cetera, dot, dot, dot. Well, I mean, a lot of people say things like, you know,

dogs have owners and cats have staff, don't they? That sort of thing. Oh, yeah. What, staff, that? Do you mean that? The infection. Frank, can I What, staff that? Do you mean that skin thing? The infection. Frank, can I get you to think about something

over the next few weeks? Because I'm interested to know some homework for you. Okay. If you had a dog, what would you call it? Okay, I'm not putting you on the spot. I'd like you to come back to me with that. That's a good question, though. I mean, the kind of thing to give you...

I have always been very impressed by John Wayne's cat. Oh, what was that? In True Grit. John Wayne played a character called Rooster Cogburn, and his cat was called General Sterling Price. Yeah. After a military figure who he'd been under in the Civil War. And I always thought that.

I loved the military element. The way I like Colonel Sanders. Well, the Colonel would be a good name for a pair of yours, wouldn't it? Yeah. W.C. Fields. I see you with a cat like that sort of name. But Colonel Harlan Sanders would be a good name for a cat. And they love a bit of chicken.

They like the chicken bug. You can't give them the dogs, do you? No. Oh, no, they're going through the roof of the mouth. That's right. Can I... Shall we share this as well, Al? We have had an interesting poser. Yeah, with 398 as text. I normally would have filtered this out and not read it

but it's interesting in terms of as a concept material like this needs something less ephemeral than a radio link and then quotes these drug takers I could keep a straw up my nose and pull it down

like some attic ladder which is a Frank Skinner quote from just you know five minutes ago someone should tweet it they add so 398 is suggesting ladder, which is a Frank Skinner quote from just, you know, five minutes ago. Someone should tweet it, they add. So 398 is suggesting that Twitter is a preferable

medium for your humour than radio discuss. I think it's about permanence, isn't it? I used to get this a lot. I used to do ice sculpting for parties. And I used to turn up like the day before

and put the vodka shoot on a squatting Great Dane. And people would say, oh, it's a bit ephemeral. I mean, it's a complimentary text. So thank you for that. I think. There's something lovely about, I mean, it's a complimentary text, so thank you for that. No, thanks. There's something lovely about...

I mean, all these shows exist as well on the Absolute Archive. I mean, I would just suggest to 398, is philosophy and sort of wisdom better in epithet form on a pub wall or is it better in a book in a library, which is best out of those two mediums? 8, 12, 15. There's a gentleman I'd like to discuss, Frank, this morning. Do you know who that gentleman is?

That's a tough guessing game, isn't it? Give me a clue. George Clooney! You actually gave me a Clooney. Surely he should be hosting a game show in which he says to them, do you need a Clooney? And then you get less points or something from that.

It'll come. We use Clooney in our house as a euphemism for the coffee used in those machines. Oh, okay. If I say to my wife, do you want a Clooney? It means a posher coffee than do you want a coffee? Yeah. That's good. See, he's

so versatile. He's so Clooney. Yeah, George. He's been in a bit of trouble. No, he hasn't. He hasn't. It would be a terrible way to break the news that he's been in trouble he's been getting a lot of media real estate over the last couple of weeks

he must have a film out yeah fair enough he's been playing he plays a post apocalyptic survivor in this film called Midnight Sky, I believe it's called.

Seems apt, I suppose. Yeah. He plays an Arctic scientist living on a deserted observatory. Beard? What do you think? I don't know what the idea is in films. If you go to the Arctic, you can't take your shaving tackle with you. You have to grow a beard if you're there. Wow. Yeah, I've not been to the Arctic, you can't take your shaving tattle with you. You have to grow a beard if you're there.

Yeah, I've not been to the Arctic. He was filming on... You look like you have, mate. You look like you've been nowhere else. Yeah. It was in Finland they were filming. Okay. And he did this thing, didn't he, that actors

think he's brilliant and that is sudden weight change the loss of weight for a role or gain is surely the acting cliche who was the most famed Christian Bale he lost four stone I think

I think Bobby De Niro put a bit on to play Regin Bull Regin Bull yeah that for me I first became aware Bobby De Niro put a bit on to play... Regin Bull, wasn't it? Regin Bull, yeah. Yeah, that for me is when I first became aware because I think he put it on and lost it. And I don't know that he was known as a great actor until he lost weight and then gained it and people thought, yes, truly.

Can't they? If you're a great actor, couldn't you act thinner than you are that would be great that's the test isn't it that would be really good and then of course Marlon Brando just ate cake because he liked it yeah

he didn't do it for the role and then took roles to fit accordingly didn't he that's a much better approach I think on Superman he complained to the director having seen some of the rushes, that he looked fat. Which is, that must have been an awkward conversation. What do you respond to that?

Frank, do you think Marlon might have been, dare I say it? A bit of a git. I think he was tricky. Do you think that the director said, well, the camera gains 10 pounds at least and that's where that cliche came about maybe yeah it was also that film he was in the um high paid actor chair for a while because it was quite a really smallEl in Superman. I mean, talking of chairs, of course, DDL. Daniel Day.

He's in the Method chair because he did... Yeah. Well, he once, when he was playing Abraham Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln, he would only talk to people as Abraham Lincoln, wouldn't he? He texted Sally Field and said, Yours, A, dot. Yeah.

I don't know if you can stay in character as Abraham Lincoln and text people. How do you do that? Has he got the old, it's all in the hat, all the working out is in the stovepipe. Yeah. It's a great film, that. I mean, he's working out is in the stovepipe. Yeah. It's a great film, that.

I mean, he's amazing. I'm an hour into it still. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I'm you. Sorry, I went back to the West Midlands there for a second. Oh, that's so cute. I'm your horse.

Oh, I love it. Boston. Oh. Yes. Abraham Lincoln review there. Get rid of the guy with the 1950s. What's he called, Mark? Mark Kermode. Yeah, get some black country people on there

talking about films. What are they, marching explorers, you know, with a big beard? Oh, God called out there. I thought I'd love it. Sorry for all the people who don't know what I'm talking about. It's going to be all right when I'm doing it again.

Relax. They're so touchy, these people. Have we had any answers to your question about the permanence of philosophy? No. That's a slow morning. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're discussing George Clooney.

Give us a Clooney. And so this role that he did, he was for Midnight Sky. He was filming in Finland. Mm-hmm. Never been. No, I haven't been. No, me neither. So we don't know.

We don't know. It exists for certain. We don't know. We don't, no, we don't have what I think they call hard data on that. First person evidence, you're a history fan, aren't you? It's interesting, because I believe in God, right? So there's more

people here. There's more people here. I mean, my opinion is more valid than my view that Finland exists, because I've got no evidence from the people around me. No. There you go. Science, ladies and gentlemen.

Is that the home of Santa, Finland? No, that's Lapland, isn't it? But isn't Lapland in Finland? No, Lapland... Is it its actual country? I think Lapland is a club on Broad Street in Birmingham, if I remember rightly. But we won't go into that.

Or if we do, we'll certainly be wearing our mask. Anyway, George Clooney has said recently in interviews to promote the film that he lost so much weight during the filming of this, he developed pancreatitis. Yeah. What is that? And he was rushed to hospital.

Bad tummy. Okay. There's problems with your pancreas. Mm. And he was, yeah, he got very sick as a result of the dramatic weight loss. And all because he wanted to join those cool actors that do the dramatic weight loss, which isn't his shtick, is it?

No, not at all. His shtick is always playing a handsome man with a charming voice. He's Ocean's, he's the gangster, the cool guy in a nice suit. He's the bridge between us and actors, rather than being an actor. He's a bit front of cloth. You think?

Oh, interesting. I don't think people go, oh, he's an amazing actor, George Clooney. No. I think, oh, I like George Clooney. Yeah. Do you think so? And as Des O'Connor said to me,

the late Des O'Connor said to me once, Frank, the thing is people like you. And he said, he took me, he said, I can't really sing. I'm not a great comic. He said, but people like me. I thought't really sing, I'm not a great comic, he said but people like me I thought what's the comparison that's going on here

anyway a bit underrated in the Hugh Grant who I think is in my top three actors Hugh Grant, very underrated fabulous actor yeah I think he's great at acting fabulous man, I'd be happy to never hear him speak as himself ever again for the rest of my life.

I won't have a word against the man I adore. But I think he's great at acting. I have no strong opinion on him. There we have a very strong love. Oh, good. But I would say with George... Actually, I liked him in Paddington too. Oh, he's great in that.

He's really good in that. What's her name? Anne Hathaway. Oh, yes. She, when she was in Les Miserables, I do remember she also went on a very extreme diet. Did she? Oh, yeah. Never. They had to look Les Miserables.

Oh, yeah. She was pretty slender anyway, weren Did she? Oh yeah. Never. They had to look though miserable. Oh yeah. She was pretty slender anyway weren't she? Well, I remember reading that all she ate was lettuce and oatmeal paste. Ooh. Come on. I'm not a fan of lettuce. I think I'd be alright without. Do you have to

have the lettuce? Oatmeal paste? Yeah. Yeah. Oh horrible. Yeah, I think the idea is you can keep a smear of it on your forearm and have a bit whenever you feel peckish. You just hold up

a sort of Talisa pose and just lick a little bit off. It's fabulous if you're, you know, about the town, you don't have time to stop and eat. Yeah, yeah. I do it with lemon curd. Oh!

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What about when Jamie Foxx played Ray Charles and he glued his eyes together for 14 hours a day? He did what? He never did. He did, Frank.

He glued his eyes together. He glued his eyes together for 14 hours a day. Jamie Foxx playing Ray Charles. I mean, I manage about 30 seconds when my conjunctivitis has sealed my eyes shut first thing in the day and then I knock it all off and get on with my day. Disgusting.

Yeah, I went blind for about an hour and a half during my heavier drinking days. But it's not really a breakfast radio chat. No. I think that seems wrong to me.

Yeah. What What of JF? Well, I don't quite get I don't want to get into all this But you know what I mean I think we do If we were going to play Othello You would of course have a person of colour You could argue it should be a blind person

Playing Ray Charles on the same argument And Falstaff Should be a fat bloke. You shouldn't be able to wear a fat suit to play Falstaff. You don't think so? Ugly people... You've got very strict rules about this. Cast ugly people as ugly people.

Don't put glasses on them and a woolly hat like they did with Rocky's wife. We could all say she was lovely. Or Eileen Wuornos is the famous example of that. Was she the girl from... I'm afraid she was a killer. It was the girl in the fashion industry programme who was played...

Ugly Betty. Ugly Betty, without the glasses and the hair pullback, was perfectly attractive. I think we're all overlooking Plain Jane from Neighbours, who became dramatically beautiful. Playing a school in Erins overlooking playing Jane from Neighbours who became dramatically beautiful. Playing a school in Erinsborough playing Jane Superbrain. Exactly

Oh I forgot about her. Great shout out. But if we're gonna you know Frank I love the way you defend the ugly Well I well you can see I have got a very firm foot in the in the door of that but

you know I I mean, I was in a radio play where David Tennant played a Bromley. Why not get plenty of Brommies a bit? Yeah, one of them that says, Am yo? Exactly. Did I tell you when I did a sitcom called Blue Heaven, what I wrote?

Was your friend Con in that? that yes that was where i met him and anyway i was talking to um i was talking to the director who was a londoner and he said to me um so we need to have people from london and that you know i said well it's set in the west midlands it could be like one person but you know never knew anyone, well there was one barman who was from Donstable who we used to call Cockney Jerry because we thought that would make you a Cockney, I said but mate it's got to be people from my area, that's how I

want it to be, he said we can't have it people say yom yom all the time, everyone will switch off Oh that's so rude to say that to your face. I know. I should have said it

behind my back. What kind of a director was it that he said things directly to my face? Yeah. But anyway, Clooney, I mean, what's wrong with

the Shatner approach of just getting a corset for the comeback? That's a good idea. Did Shatner go corset? He went corset in the movies. I love Shatner approach of just get a corset for the comeback. That's a good idea. Did Shatner go corset? He went corset in the movies. I love Shatner. He went corset in Tupai.

It's great. He went to a fancy dress party as his younger self, essentially. Always, we can always learn from Shatner. We were discussing, Emily? We were talking about George Clooney. Exactly, and... His dramatic weight loss. His dramatic weight loss. I have a question.

Do you think actors that do this stuff, either dramatic weight gain or dramatic weight loss, miss have a question. Do you think actors that do this stuff, either dramatic weight gain or dramatic weight loss, miss their old clothes? Do you think they have a nostalgia for them? Because I've done a month at the Edinburgh Festival several times and you take a big suitcase

but then when you get back home there's a like, oh I've got all these here. Oh yeah, that is nice. When you get back from holiday, and there's your clothes you didn't take. Do you think George Clooney's like, oh, I've got all my George Clooney at 75 kilos clothes at home.

This is going to be brilliant. I imagine there are people that go to the Edinburgh Festival, when they get back, think that about their wives and partners as well. the Edinburgh Festival, when they get back, think that about their wives and partners as well. Anyway, can I use a question for you? Why did Adele get criticised for losing weight, but actors are roundly praised?

Roundly? Great use of roundly. Less roundly than he was praised. I mean, this is what he gets the big bucks for yeah I think it's because Adele wanted to get thinner whereas they were doing it

because they were being paid to so that's somehow more credit worthy I don't share this logic but I think that is the logic I think Al's right and one more question. I interviewed

the... Columbo today. One more question. Just one. My wife's a big fan of yours. By the way, on the subject of pet names, his dog was called Dog, wasn't it? Was he? I forgot. I think he might be right. When Columbo said just one more question, I mean, if I was

the murderer, I'd think, oh, well, that's where he nails me. I'm not going to answer that. If Colombo said just one more question, I'd say, no, not today, thank you, and shut the door. Because that way, I know he's got me. If I was the murderer, I'd think, well, I'm doomed anyway, because the audience saw me do the murder Before Colombo even appeared.

So that slightly. Whoever had that idea, let's do a whodunit, but let's show a whodunit right at the beginning. Let's make it a why-dunit. It's a brilliant idea. Good shout. A why-dunit is great. A how-dunit?

So anyway, I was interviewing the country music legend Kenny Rogers. What? And he was telling me. This was when I had a chat show. Amazing, though. He was the one, I spoke about it, he had a fast food outlet called Kenny Rogers Roosters. And it was me, my job to tell him of the usage in the United Kingdom.

Nevertheless, Kenny Rogers said to me that for Christmas he gave his friends liposuction vouchers. Why aren't I his friend? And I said, you've really got to be confident to do that. I respect you for that. Now, liposuction, I don't hear talked about anymore. Is that gone out? Has that been outlawed?

Have they found something wrong with it? No, it's still, I believe it still goes on. For those of you who don't know, I mean, people literally, I people literally I'm simplifying the process if you've got a big belly like I'm maybe half a stone over at the moment I just stick a pipe in

and it draws it out Oh is that what it was? Yeah Oh I thought it was into the lips to make them bigger. No Oh I've had a collagen you're thinking. Oh Frank knows his way around the surgery he's got a glossary over at that side of the day here's here's here's what it is liposuction frank's absolutely right that's sucking the fat out sorry if anyone's having a bacon fat sucked out currently

yeah making me hungry this chap usually. Usually the saddlebag area. Oh, right. The thigh, the stomach, etc. And then collagen, which you talk about, lip enhancement. That is having injections in. That's very alive and well in the young people now. Oh, they love that. But it's not anything.

Liposuction, it does still go on, Frank. Yeah, but wouldn't it have been easier for George Clooney to just, you know, to just get the tubing and say, take two stone off and I'll have a cup of tea and a biscuit while it's happening. And then get it back in later. Yeah, and then just put it in the fridge. Like a cyclist would go to a flood.

Put it in the fridge with the GC written on it. That could confuse things. That could cause a problem, couldn't it? Later down the line. Don't mix up the samples. And I'll pick it up for the next movie when I'm playing Pavarotti. And can I get cash back?

Because I'll need another couple of stones to play him. It could all be done. They haven't thought it through. Why? Sir Lawrence Olivier said to Dustin Hoffman, have you tried acting? That's the way forward. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Texas show on 8.12.15. How's it been today? If we take deluge as one end and trickle at the other, how's the texting been? Steady flow. Okay.

Yeah, I'd say, probably. Steady flow. Tony Cooper. To my mothers. Hold on. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. My fault.

I digressed. No, you know what? I interrupted and for that I apologise. But listen, let's move on to the subject of Tony Cooper, who's got in touch, Frank. Surely the most extreme body change by any actor. Mm-hmm. A quick hyphenated piece of content here.

We're discussing this morning George Clooney's weight loss. Yes, he's done one of those things that actors do and they want to be taken seriously. Well, I think it's because it's an actor, it's got to be described as dramatic weight loss. Ah, very good. See what I've done there. Well, he's gone the full DDL.

He's the king. He's in this chair, isn't he? Daniel Day-Lewis. I don't know Well, he's gone the full DDL. He's the king. He's in this chair, isn't he? Daniel Day-Lewis. I don't know, has he ever done the weight loss thing? Yes. Doesn't he go and try? Of course he has. Lost to the Mohicans.

And then, I believe, what was the film? In the name of the father, was it? Did you fell the ball, son? Did you fell the ball? Remember that? He was in, he spent two days in prison. Did he? Having no food or He spent two days in prison. Did he? Had no food or water.

He's very extreme. I believe he gained one foot three inches to play Lincoln. Wow. Tony Cooper says the most extreme... Two of Tony Cooper's close friends get to call him TC. Providing it's with dignity. Okay. The most extreme body change

by any actor is Chris Evans in the first Captain America film. Yes, but that... He even gains two foot in height. Yes, I think... What is that? I think that's a CGI. Oh, does he? Have they made him taller? No, he's built like me to

start off with. Oh, I see. And he's the classic guy who gets sand kicked in his face. And he only just about gets into the army for his bravery because he keeps failing the fitness test. And then they think this would be a good bloke to do a massive experiment on. I didn't know his backstory, CA. Yeah, so then he turns into a super strong and totally ripped Captain America. Brilliant.

So it's what you were hoping, in a way, the narrative arc of Captain America. I know where you're going. It's what you were hoping when you got the Charles Atlas. The Charles Atlas course, exactly. That's what I thought would happen. I mean, I didn't expect it to be as quick as it was for Cap. No.

But it didn't happen at all for me. I find that very touching. I wonder when was the point in my life when I just thought, oh, I'll stick with this. Yeah. I'll stick with this, you know, I've got a sort of a Treasure Island physique,

you know, the sunken chest. Oh, fine. And I just sort of thought, oh, it'll be all right now. You developed the brilliant mind. I think celebrity made me think, well, I don't need to look good anymore. That was one of my things. Anyway.

George Clooney has been in the news for other reasons. He said in an interview that he's never had an argument with his wife, Amal. Are you you Frank? Yeah. Very similar to our house. And he said, we haven't ever had an argument. You know,

everybody's been slammed together because of the coronavirus and a lot of friends' relationships have been tested. For us, it's been really easy. Oh, no. Now that's the George Clooney

we've come to know and love, not the losing three-stone guy. Yeah. The guy you think, oh, what a sweet man. What I would say about that, speaking as a recovering alcoholic, I find that, weirdly, if you say at a party, have you got anything that's non-alcoholic, just an orange juice or something, they immediately think

alcoholic, obviously, because you're not drinking alcohol, which is weird. But the same thing, if someone says to me we never argue, I think there is something severely wrong with their relationship. Can I say I 100% agree. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. I am one of the% agree. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. I

am one of the, you know, if there's no pearl, if there's no friction, that's my thing. Yeah. I mean I've found it traumatic. Someone somewhere is, um, you know, I'm just saying, stuff's not coming out and when stuff doesn't come out, they're giving in.

Yeah, they're giving in. I mean, if you're married to a lawyer, you might be... I can see you being careful. But even so, come on, George. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. I would just like to say to George Clooney in a mile, but I think my wife and I... Did you say in Amal?

In Amal. No, my wife and I don't argue very much. So we're closer to that end of the spectrum than the couples that fight all the time. But even then, I would never say in an interview we found it really easy about being locked down together it's almost like it's quite difficult

one of the things that we sometimes have conflict about is things like Alan you've left all your shoes in the hall there's ten pairs of Adidas that could have gone straight in the dishwasher but I'm guessing that they're insulated from those rounds by having a massive home and staff

they say money can't buy you happiness but I'm guessing that they're insulated from those rows by having a massive home and staff. I believe you. They say money can't buy you happiness, but I think it sort of insulates you against a certain amount of unhappiness. I can see that. I believe the... I think marriage guidance counsellors or therapists suggest that it's preferable to have at least one row a week. Something sort of spat.

When I say row, I don't mean... Just going to put that in the schedule. Because it shows it's about airing. It's an opportunity to air your issues so you don't become avoidant. No one wants to be avoidant. We tried couple counselling at one of our lowest ebbs

and he said I love the way this shows. He said we should have two minutes each. And you should give your point of view about something. The other person cannot interrupt for two minutes. That's your... And then when the two minutes is up,

you're sitting there with a chess clock. Right. And when the two minutes is up, then they can respond. So they don't interrupt you and get you a chance. So we tried it. So my method was to say something very controversial for about 15 seconds and then enjoy the silence war that didn't last long i'll tell you that it was great while it did

It was great while it did. It might be, you know, I mean, I remember a Catholic priest once saying in his homily that it's all right talking about, you know, how arguing is a natural thing and that, but if you keep knocking nails into the same gatepost, eventually it'll disintegrate as well. Oh, yeah. And, you know, I can see there's a bit of that involved.

I mean, maybe George is doing it right. I mean, it seems to be working for them, although how she puts up with the pranks, because you know he's a bit like you, Frank, George Clooney. Well, people often say that. He likes a Gittish prank. Yeah, I'm only aware of this since you brought up

one of his things recently. He gave the million pounds to the friend. Well, this was, my favourite one is even better. He found a really horrible painting of a naked woman in a skip and it was so disgusting he was sort of laughing.

Oh, it was the painting in the skip? Yes. Or was it a photo of was the painting in the skip. Yes. Or was it a photo of a naked woman in a skip? No, the painting was in the skip. Something dark about that composition. He found a discarded portrait in a skip and it was so disgusting he and his friend were laughing and he said, look, we'll have to take that.

It's funny. That's great because sometimes I see people fishing things out of a skip and I always shout, skip rat! Paul McCarthy's a skip rat. I'm a skip rat, but I like to call other people it. Yeah, but imagine if you're driving down the road, you see a bloke looking in a skip and you think,

hold on a minute, is that George Clooney? Yeah, you wouldn't think if you were shouting skip rat. He takes the painting home and he then decides he's going to give it, it's a friend's 40th, he's going to present it it's a friend's 40th he's going to present it to them and say he's painted it himself and he spent he spent the whole year working on this wow he presents it in front of everyone at the 40th it's disgusting and the friend's too embarrassed and he says but you know what would really i i just the idea of you having this on your wall it means so it would mean so much to me if you'd honour it.

This man kept it on his wall for six years. Oh, dear. Until Clooney'd fessed up it wasn't his. Wow. What worries me about that, isn't that pointing out that because I'm George Clooney, my so-called friends actually creep around me and will humiliate and take anything in order

to remain my friend. Just give me the million quid, George, if you want proof of that. Now we're getting the dark side of Clooney. I'll tell you, I would,

is this harsh? I would say that George Clooney was one of the seven items or less stars. Do you want to just recap for non-regulars on your seven items or less? Seven items,

people who've done less than seven notable things in their career. Good shout. I would say Ocean's Eleven, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? Aren't you struggling a bit there?

Gravity. Gravity is a good film. That film brought me down. Coffee adverts. An espresso. ER. It's an espresso in his body. ER, we've gone right back to ER.

Fairly quickly, actually. If we were on BRMB now, the West Midlands radio, I'd say he must be a very giving bloke because he was in ER. Right, because you'd say, here you are, here you are. You see, I would say...

Used to be a very saucy joke about the Queen. Yes, I remember that. Yes, anyway. What I would say, Frank, is also he did sit in the best-looking man chair. Yes. Now, which I never got sit in the best-looking man chair, which I never got. You didn't get it? Oh, I got it.

Oh, I hope you're happy together. But he looked to me a bit... He just looked a bit like... He just looked a bit like he was outside a North London school waiting for his kid with a leather jacket, worked in the music industry, was a lawyer. But I think people like that. He's very un- unchallenging.

Yeah, not me. I don't, you know, you feel you'd be safe with George Clooney. Well, you never even argue. Well, I'm finding it a bit of a challenge to continue to like him. Oh, yes. Why is that, Al? Well, he also added, after he said that it's been really easy in lockdown to be stuck together, he said, George went on to add that the pair, as in him and Amal, the pair's united passion for philanthropy and humanitarian causes

has kept them grounded and made their relationship strong. Well, now, hold on. I mean, obviously that's a good thing, isn't it? If you want to interpret it that way, yeah. What I feel sorry for... I've crossed them off my dinner party list just reading that. I don't know if you guys have. I think it's good that they did a good thing.

I know what you... I mean, if I was a career activist, I might feel like a career children's author. All these, everyone's an actor. I think, well, you know, look at Swampy. He must have thought, I've given my life to this and now you look on Twitter

everyone's comedian and activist actor and activist Swampy, first through the door if you're the first through the door but those people there's plenty of them, they are activists that's what they do so they must hate the celebs who do a

little bit of activism at the weekends. Well, it's activism with a blow-dry, isn't it? Sorry, just kind of give me a second. I'm so anxious. So anxious about that. So anxious. Whoa.

God, that sounded like a Hillary Clinton quote. Frighten the death out of me. Oh, man. You're making the table shake. I know, sorry, but my heart's pounding. I can't even mention her blow-dry. No.

I think he was raised a Catholic as well, and then he faded. Oh, that must mean you like him. No, he faded. Oh, has he lapsed like him, does it? No, he faded. Oh, has he lapsed up to the eyeballs? I read the thing, he said he's not sure. He said he doesn't believe in hell, is one of the things he said. Oh.

I thought we have only been married six years, mate. Stick around. 1974, new faces. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I just say we've got quite a few people texting in with work of George Clooney's that they admire so I think some people don't see him in the seven items.

Have we passed seven? Have we passed seven? Has he scored higher than seven? I think some people do, yeah. Okay. 073 says, Hi Frank, the best film GC did was The American, which I saw fairly

recently and really liked. I thought that was very good. I don't know that. And I got a little bit of envy because at some point in it he does a forward fold. He's obviously a yoga guy and I'm currently working on my forward folds. What is a forward fold, Al? Basically like touching your toes or grabbing your feet.

Oh, I can't do that. If you're sat down on the floor kind of thing. I like the idea of him adopting the GC. That would be good, wouldn't it? Imagine him saying, I say, what, someone makes you a cup of tea. That's like giving him £1,000. Well, look, I've got nothing against the GC the Clooney person I think he seems

oh I do that bit about the philanthropy and humanitarian causes wow wow come on mate that's what I've got against well here's something that might

I don't know if you're aware of this yeah but I think correct me if I'm wrong about this but he went out with this will win you out for Al oh yeah he went out with a WWF wrestler do out for Al. Oh, yeah. He went out with a WWF wrestler.

Do you remember that? He didn't. He did. Yeah. Which one? Hulk Hogan? No, I think it was a bit conventional. It was a lady, lady wrestler.

But, yeah, she was a proper, proper, I can't remember what her name was I don't really follow the wrestling but I remember reading about their relationship

well they're very when you go to Lake Como yes I've been have you yeah they're very protective

there's all police around where he lives oh and you're not allowed apparently they warn you if you ask where does George Clooney live?

It won't end well for you. Can't even ask the question. Oh, okay. Really? Yeah, they protect him.

Oh. If you went out with a wrestler, WWF wrestler, you'd have your doubts, wouldn't you, in the bedroom department? Yeah.

You'd never be completely convinced. She's a lovely woman. If I had to go out with a wrestler, I'd go out with The Undertaker. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I mean, you know, not that far off these days. I believe IRL, in real life, The Undertaker is a Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt.

Wow. Bit of... I'd go out with Mr. TV Jackie Palo. I'll tell you who I did like. There was a yuppie wrestler, Frank. Erwin R. Scheister. Do you remember him?

Oh. Yes. A yuppie? Yeah. I haven't heard the term yuppie for quite a long time. Well, that's why, because he was a 90s wrestler and he was known as the yuppie wrestler because he had a sort of briefcase. Well, I used to go to wrestling at... Was he enjoying the use of yuppie? I used to go to Thimble Mill Bats in Smethwick

to watch wrestling. Me too! And there was... And there was a wrestler called Lord Bertie Topham who would come in with a bowler hat, a silk thing and a monocle and he'd have a... Like the Pringle Man! come in with a bowler hat a silks thing and a monocle and he'd have a

like the Pringle man he'd have a bottler it was the pre-coast of Ass Jeeves a bottler with a he'd have his water on a tri

brilliant and he was I've never seen any wrestler get the crowd going he'd come in and he'd go can I smell

working class people and they would be absolutely outraged crowd going. He'd come in and he'd go, can I smell working class people? And they would be absolutely outraged. Absolutely. And they'd scream at him and he'd say, what are you saying in your common tongue? And he was probably

from where we were from, but he played and people would be furious with him. Absolutely furious. I like the sound of this man. Yeah, me too. Yeah. And that man was Boris Johnson. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Somebody has actually taken the time to send you an email entitled Clooney's decent work and then a list. I don't... Have I been hard on George? I think you might have. We have been quite awful. They say Hail Caesar, Gravity, surely that's Clooney's descent work. That was just a Roman greeting Frank.

Hail Caesar, I don't know. Gravity, I acknowledge, is a brilliant film. The Descendants, The American, Burn After Reading, Michael Clayton, Good Night and Good Luck, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? That was a great film. The Thin Red Line,

Out of Sight, From Dusk Till Dawn, and ER. There you go. ER. That's more than seven. All right, ER. It's my apology.

Okay, I've done him wrong. I mean, the truth is, I don't really watch films very much. Did you ever watch ER? They're a commitment, aren't they? They're like two hours. is I don't really watch films very much. Did you ever watch ER? They're a commitment, aren't they? They're like two hours. If they don't have aliens in them, you're out.

Das ist nicht für mich. You and I have the opposite. You see, I'm watching a film as soon as I see aliens. We're all different, darling. We've been talking about acting so long. Is that sharing a studio with Derek Jacoby? Oh, I watched a fabulous interview with Derek Jacoby.

That's one of the things I do on the internet is find interviews with old actors. I love Jacoby. I was calling to Lord Olivier's office and he said, what have you been up to? That's a good thing to do with your time on YouTube. It's brilliant. I could listen to them old

actors talking. You know, I watch really boring stuff on YouTube. There's a woman showing you around their lorry. I think a woman. So they show you the dirty, cuddly toy on the grill. I watched one of them showing you the draw that he had the kettle in

and I've got a little... Do you watch that, then? I don't know, it just suggested to me. Derek Jacobi didn't do any of that. No, I'm sure. And I watch Twins The New Trend, the two boys who listen to music. Oh, yes. Phil Collins' boys.

I also watch bullies getting owned quite a lot as well. That can be fun. What's that bully special prize, Jim Bowen? It's when bullies bully someone that it turns out is actually like a high school wrestler and then the bully becomes upside down, thrown on the floor. It's excellent. It's a really good way of spending an afternoon.

There's a very good one of a guy knocking on someone's door. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. Of course. And he's got all his mates around to watch him humiliate this bloke who lives in the house. And this bloke hits him really hard. And not only does it knock him over, but he gets up and runs away. It's very satisfying.

But we shouldn't... Can I say we don't champion violence on Absolute Radio? Do you mean no? Can I say we don't champion violence on Absolute Radio? Dear me, no. But if it's going to be, that's the way around. Do you want it? Yeah. I fought the school bully, I remember, at junior school and beat him.

It was a really great moment. Punch the mirror. Good! And then about, I would say, 15 years later, I saw him in a pub, and he had grown proportionately to what he was at the time. He was much bigger than me, and I thought, he won't remember, it's been years ago.

And he said, I know you don't. And I'd say the third thing he said to me was, you beat me in a fight, didn't you? And I thought, oh, no, I don't want to go out. But luckily he was very foolish and so I was able to manipulate him with my intellect. Excellent. Yes, I can see that.

But he was a frightening prospect. I wouldn't have fancied, you know, never come back. A rematch. No, I wouldn't have fancied a rematch. At the time, I was young and angry, you know, with him. But that's all. I haven't been angry since the 80s. That's lovely to know.

Oh, yes. What else? Well 108 made a suggestion if I had a dog I'd call it Ask It so when people ask me his name I'd say Ask It and then they would answer

from Neil in Birmingham strikes me as quite a Birmingham-y joke and we've also had 318 vet here recalling out pets' names and surnames. It's absolutely what we do.

It stops people waiting, getting confused which Ben or Jess we mean. Also Jess. But we do get some really brilliant combos e.g. Prince John's

and a particular favourite a rabbit named Floppy. I won't finish that. But that's from Hamish and Kent. Mr and Mrs Disks. Yes, that's exactly what it was. That's from Hannah the vet in Kent.

Okay. Yeah. There's a pub next to where I used to live. Big pub, the Queen said. And they closed the pub down, which was a major shock to me. It's become a 24-hour vet. Can you believe that people want that more than they want a pub? Yes.

I'm amazed. You sound rather devastated. Then, you know, if your pet was injured, what you'd do is have a couple of drinks. You've got the courage to deal with it yourself. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to us this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.