The Frank Skinner Show - Glove Story

Episode Date: February 15, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has his final Garrick show tonight and changes have already been made to his dressing room. The team also discuss pedestrian crossings, waterbeds and naps.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We'd love to hear from you. or an email to shout-out via the Absolute Radio website. We'd love to hear from you. We've had an email, and I'm going to explain one more time, but people still misunderstand this.

When I say I've done a Friday night troll, I don't mean that I come in on a Friday night. You're too busy to come in on a Friday night. Or I'm not that committed. No, you access it remotely, don't you, from whichever hotel you're in? Yeah, sure I do. What I do is I scroll through some text messages. But at 1.48am,

a dad has emailed the show. A dad? A dad, yes. What, the Sri Lankan wicketkeeper? No, a gentleman who has a child. Good morning, Frank Lecoq. Can I say, that isn't the Sri Lankan wicketkeeper. Don, a gentleman who has a child. Good morning, Frank Lecoq. Can I say, that isn't the Sri Lankan wicketkeeper. Don't bother correcting me.

Oh, really? So there's going to be a lot of cricket correspondence now. Long-time listener to the podcast, first-time emailer. My five-year-old son Hugh sent his girlfriend a card for Valentine's today, which had a touch of the potch about it. He rather poetically

wrote, my heart is not mine, it is yours. Ah. Has Pochettino affected any other listener's children's vocabulary in such a manner? Keep up the good work. We should say that when Mauricio Pochettino signed my son's Spurs program, he wrote to bars,

my best friend is you, Mauricio Pochettino, which is very lovely. I miss him. Gone but not forgotten. Yes. But that's nice, isn't it? It is. What was it again that he wrote?

My heart is not mine, it is yours. That's rather lovely. I love a... It's good for five. I like a Valentine's, which has the feel of a translation. If she at any point in her life needed a heart transplant, would that be legally binding, that card? Oh, that's a good point.

Yeah, could she say, well, I've got an actual, it's like a donor card, really. In many ways. Yeah. I'm not sure you can write legally binding stuff, but I think, yeah, it's fine. We did a show, I did a show last night, I want to say we, it's all we did a a show uh i did a show last night i want to say we it's all got a bit wrong now i did a show well i met me and my support and i did a show and um

and omar yeah it'd be nothing without omar there was um a heart a heart specialist in the front row and his wife was a cardiac nurse yeah exactly on valentine's night it was so perfect i said you could probably give her a you could have given her a real one got brought an old one home from work but they were going to throw out and imagine that darling happy valentine's day and you want you want to get the thumb in the left ventricle so it goes it's like in the 70s a lot of the dads would bring home, I think they called it computer paper. Do you remember?

With holes punched in the side. Yeah, well, he could... That's what he'd bring home. Can I ask a question? Did you do anything nice for Valentine's Day, for Kath? Given that you were working, I hope you thought ahead and left a nice card. I know you always... You do the red roses every year. I know you do the red roses every year.

I didn't do the red roses. Why not? Too dear. She got me flowers instead this year. That's nice. Because we live in an age where parity and quality has become more and more important. Nicely handled.

There's something patronising about me buying her flowers every year. You tell them. No, I thought that. So we bought each other a card. We went out for lunch. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. There's still some glowing embers.

Can I say, regarding your show, Gabby Logan got in touch with me this week oh yeah to say she was coming to see you with Kenny was she? I didn't know that she was very excited

no one tells me about these people well I should have told you but she didn't want to disturb you because she's a pro okay and she said you know I know what it's like when you're rushing off

and then people descend on you and I said look I'm sure he won't mind. But she didn't want to bother you. She wanted to just come. And they came, I think it was on Thursday night. Kenny was whistling, I'm afraid. Whistling? Yes.

He was so happy. He enjoyed the show so much. Oh, that's good. Oh, what you mean, like when everyone else is clapping? You think he's one of those whistle through the fingers people? He was whistling. He was whistling with much. Oh, that's good. Oh, what you mean, like when everyone else is clapping? You think he's one of those whistle-through-the-fingers people? No, he was whistling. He was whistling with appreciation. Oh, wow.

Oh, that's nice. You never know who's out there, do you? You look a bit concerned. No, I was just thinking, looking back, I wish I'd been funnier. Oh. If I'd known they'd been here, I would have... That's so frank. I can see.

When I said they came, I know you, your mind went to which night and you thought, how funny was I that night? Yeah, well, you know, they're all very, like with a micrometer, there's a little bar chart. Remember those things? Absolutely tiny, tiny measures

of that didn't go, I thought that could have what about that bit I tried, etc. Yeah, it's a wonderful job, but it kills you. Frank's Kelly Skinner on Absolute Radio. I would have liked to have seen Gabby Logan. One of the few people in showbiz I've shared a plate with. Is that right? What do you mean? We were on a plate a commemorative play we did a game show together and if you won it you got a in a china plate like

you get like the pictures of the royals on oh much um lady di and charles yeah except it was uh it was uh me Gabby Logan and... Was it David Williams? No. He did the pilot and then he walked. I'll be honest with you. You always are. When you said you'd shared a plate, I thought you meant

a lunch. You'd just had a mezzo or something. I imagine Gabby would have half a satsuma. No, she's got... Listen, she's cooked me an omelette. Has she? Yes. Excellent.

How many eggs? At Logan Towers. I've never managed an omelette. Oh, do you know who's lovely omelette? I've tried an omelette twice. Hang on, do you think we're playing that I've never game? Yeah. No, I've tried.

I've tried an omelette. Do you know what I like? Playing I've never with Frank. Most people have, like... Frank's like, I've never had an omelette. No, I've had an on there. Do you know what I like? Playing I've never with Frank. Most people have, like, Frank's like, I've never had an omelette. No, I've had an omelette, but I've tried to cut one twice, and it's sort of separated into small egg sections.

Like scrambled egg? Yeah. Yes, that's... But not even that, all that, very separate. So it looked like... I'm sure we can sort this out. In fact, I'm confident there's a YouTube video that we could get. Yes, did it look a bit sort of rustic shoe?

It looked like the face of a Doctor Who monster from the 70s. Is it City of Death, the one who wears the white suit? It had that sort of... Oh, hang on, let me remember. Is it that one, Emilyily i've got no idea someone he's got a very crumbly looking face and it looks like that so yeah anyone who can make an omelette i have tremendous respect oh that's good i make omelets probably i don't know three four times a week maybe more maybe more yeah wow you're a omelette obsessive you know what i don't do i'mive. You know what I don't do at home is poached eggs.

If there's poached eggs on a menu when we're out, I often have poached eggs because I think, oh, I don't do that myself. But I make omelettes at home. Easy. Do you know what I liked? When I met Gabby Logan's daughter, there was a level of honesty which was almost Skinnerian.

Oh, yeah. Which I liked. liked she said we were doing my podcast we were going on a walk and I said oh you should have come with us she said well I would have but I didn't know you were going to be fun or nice excellent response I mean come on well her mum's very I don't really great? Well, her mum's very... I don't really know... But the mum, she's very funny. I remember Gabby did like a sort of stand-up routine on this show that we did about her two children and how one is posh and one is sort of not posh. And it was properly funny.

Of course, it didn't get in the edit because most people doing television don't know how to edit. Oh, my God! but we won't uh we won't dwell we won't dwell on that um so um it's my last night tonight at the garrick i haven't been there for five weeks you're gonna miss it i'll tell you what you miss the old place frank oh yeah i'll miss i'll miss'll miss it. I miss my day bed. I had a day bed in my dressing room. I got quite fried.

Which has already gone. I'm going to write a memoir of this run called City of Angels took my day bed. Oh, they got it. So they're in next. And one of them has claimed the day bed. So that's gone. So the day bed, is that for you to cop some beds? To recline on.

So it's a bit of a Freudian couch? Yeah, it looks like something that you might have got in a Wild West cat house. One of those kind of... Can you say cat house? I think so. It's the cleanest version of, I see. A bordello, a Wild West bordello.

Gotcha. Yeah, it's got that kind of metal headboard. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. But no, it's gone, it's gone too. I'm not really familiar with City of Angels, but I think it's based on Wim Wenders' Wings of Desire, which was, that'd be an interesting thing to see. Do you know Wim Wenders' Wings of Desire, which was a... That'd be an interesting thing to see. Do you know Wim Wenders' Wings of Desire?

No. I'll tell you about it when we have some down time. I think on air it wouldn't... Not on this show. Friendship Skinner on Absolute Radio. And... Ooh. Sorry? Sorry. I was a bit previous there but 619 has been in touch to say frank you were

saying earlier that you're you've had a day bed yes at the garrick for he likes to copper zed sounds a bit elton john frank he demands a bed on his ride or on tour. Does it? Well, I didn't. It was just there. I think it's if you're doing matinees, which I'm not. I think it's for theatrical board treaders, isn't it? I mean, I'd have been glad of it. But anyway, I am sorry. I always recall back in the day when my parents would be in various dressing rooms. It was always a bed.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know what the reasons behind that were. I mean, it's ironic, really, that actors, when they're between jobs, say that they're resting, and then they get the job, and they're resting. I mean, I'm not saying they're always. Well, when I did art at the Wyndhams, the main dressing room there had a shower,

and the reason it had a shower is the original cast of art, one of them was Albert Finney, and he'd insisted on a shower in there. So it became like the Albert Finney Memorial Shower. Nice. Yeah, so his legacy, I assume, lives on there. 848 has been in touch as well.

We often talk on this show about the chair for example we discussed the handsome chair do you want to explain quickly well it's like if you do a joke and it's about someone who is very good looking, a male

then we still I think have established that Brad Pitt is still in the good-looking male chair. And if you're doing a joke about someone being a philanderer, then you go for whoever you think's in the philanderer chair, which I won't name anyone off the top of my head. 848 says, Morning, Frank and the gang. After your discussion the other week about who's in the handsome chair currently,

it got me thinking about who's in the handsome chair currently, it got me thinking about who's in the does-their-own-stunts chair formerly occupied by Michael Crawford. Kind regards, Henners from Gravesend. Hi, Henners, one of our regulars. I think Tom Cruise spent some time in the... I mean, he took a while to climb into it, but... Yeah. I think he was in.

I think a stuntman helped him up into the chair. Very good. Now, if I had to guess, I would go, and I've never heard this, but surely Tom Hardy does his own stunts, doesn't he? Oh, yeah, I would think so. Because the idea that, I don't think you could sleep at the idea that someone would be brave enough to do something he wouldn't do. Yes, you're right.

Tom Cruise, I would say Crawford handed the baton to Cruise. Yeah, Crawford to Cruise. And then Cruise handed the baton somewhat reluctantly, I imagine, possibly to Hardy. If anyone knows who Cruise has handed the baton to, Frank? Yeah, I don't know if Tom Hardy. I remember I once speculated on here if Tom Hardy had a much gentler,

more sensitive brother called Tom Softy. Oh, Frank! But I don't think he does. Does Craig do his own stunts? Oh, he's... No, he's potential. And then, of course,

we'd have the lovely Crawford Cruise Craig Triumvirate. There's a lot of... I did a Graham Norton once with James McAvoy and who is the one with the German sounding name?

Fassbender? No I don't think so. Michael Fassbender? No? Maybe it's him Maybe it's him and they were very they talked a lot about the gymnasium and how many press-ups and all that. The gymnasium.

It would have been Fassbender, because he's in the... It could be him, yeah. And I'm not very good on actors. I know, darling. Forgive me. I'm still... Yeah, and I couldn't imagine those

letting other people do their stunts. But, you know, when push comes to shove. I mean, Craig probably has for the da-da-da-da-da when they're being pushed off the cliff. I don't expect... Oh, you mean Daniel Craig? I thought you meant Craig Revel Horwood. No.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 454 has reached out this is regarding you were talking about can we just establish is it Wim or Wim Vendors well I what do I call him

Arsene Wenger I call him Wim yeah should we go should we make a decision yeah Wim Vendors Wim Wenders doesn't sound right to me but should we say Wim Vend decision? Yeah, Vim Vendors. Vim Wenders doesn't sound right to me. Should we say Vim Vendors?

Let's go Vim Vendors. Okay. Vim Vendors is a German or Austrian? I think German film director. Middle European. Yeah. 454. Morning, Frank.

Back in the 1990s, I ran an opticians in Covent Garden. I had a pair of spectacles stolen that were used in Wim Wenders' film Until the End of the World, so I knew they were literally a one-off. Cheeky rascal who stole them brought them back three years later after he'd broken them and could clearly find no one able to repair them. I promptly made a citizen's arrest. Hang on.

And local police came from Bow Street and charged him and he was found guilty in court. Hearing you mention Wim Wenders brought it all back and made me smile. Rob. It's a tale. It's very very good i think he was framed no it's um jingle so they must have been advertised in the shop as from the movie they were in the they were in a glass case or something do you think oh do you think so but i mean what is them back there to get mended. What an absolute fool.

Yeah. Well, that, of course, is the title of our new channel here on Absolute Radio. Now, the Wim Wenders, coming to the Garrick after me is City of Angels, which is a version of, like I say, the Wim Wenders. Do you remember Wings of Desire? Wings of Desire was about there being angels on earth that you could see. And it was like an arthouse movie. And I used to work at an arthouse cinema in Birmingham. And I remember we had it on and I watched it and I was so confused by it, I left with about 20 minutes to go. And then the film, I couldn't get the film out of my mind.

It played in me for days and so I had to go back and watch the whole thing. There's a brilliant bit, I don't know whether people tell films, etc., but I'll keep it brief, where he stumbles across Peter Falk filming Columbo in the street and discovers that Peter Falk is actually an angel. It's a great twist. I don't think that'll be in the stage play. But, yeah. We were talking also, Frank, weren't we, in the break,

about who would be most likely who sat in the do-your-own-stunts chair. And we were trying to come up with people who would be least likely, who sat in the do-your-own-stunts chair. And we were trying to come up with people who would be least likely to do their own stunts. And I think we thought Roger Moore was definitely... Roger Moore would... I don't think so. I don't think Roger Moore would either. Because Roger Moore's ego is in a different place, I think, from very male people.

Was, sadly. Yeah, it was, yeah. So, who else definitely wouldn't, do you think? Yes, anyone... Well, I'd like if any of our readers know. I'd be very happy to hear that. It's one of our obscure text-ins. Who doesn't do their own stunts?

Who'd be least likely to do their own stunts? I'd like any information on people who do them now. I mean, in the age of... Insurance is probably more sophisticated than it was. their own stuff and i'd like any information on people who do them now i mean in the age of insurance is probably more sophisticated than it was it's probably a dying artist isn't it doing your own stance yeah but um i remember i did one once with um with david the deal and he had he had to hit me on the head with a spanner or something and i said no you'll do it but you'll do it you'll hit me on the head he said no I won't I said can we

you know fake it he said honestly I won't I'll just stop just short then he just hit me on the head yeah inevitable Frank Skinner Absolute Radio do you know that Amanda Holden's flowers

that she sent me on the opening night of my performance five weeks ago are still looking good? Just like her, they do not seem to age or tarnish. Amazing. Yeah. It's made me... I mean, they came in, they're in the blood of virgins. Oh, right.

Which I think is part of her cosmetics range. Yeah. And so they still look great. Have you still got floral arrangements in the daybed room, as I call your dressing room? Well, I've just got the... You've got the AHS. The bereaved flowers of Amanda Holden that still look great.

Are you going to take them home tonight? Well, I don't think I'll take those. You have to look like... If you pick them up, they're a bit like Miss Havisham's wedding cake. If one tried to move it, it'd be the end of the world. Good reference. I've got five cards in total. You know you go in these actors dressing rooms

on the whole wall I've got five cards three of them from flowers and fruit so they're just small one of them is from my support act and the other one is from the theater chaplain who I've never met so i the theater has a chaplain yeah theater don't say where does he reside then so he's presumably at a local well i think he does maybe he does the west because i seem to remember when i was when i've been in plays in the west end in the old in the old times um there was a theater chaplain then who would come in i think you call him if you if you're in despair oh yeah i don't know if you've seen despair closing in a week yeah exactly if prayer is your only hope yeah so it's a nice little uh it's a nice little job for somebody

theater chaplain yeah i suspect he's quite a but... I want him to be a showbiz type. Well, the card, he'd made the card, and he'd incorporated my poster on it and stuff like that. Oh, he's adorable. What about this for a conundrum? I did a gig in Brighton, probably September, October time, and two of the acts on the bill

had been left envelopes addressed to them with little excerpts from the Bible and some, you know, we feel like this would help you, but not the whole bill. You'd think like it was a mail shot thing. But no, just... Do you think they profiled people? Maybe. At least...

They Googled our act. Yeah, most vulnerable. These two need saving. It was a real conversation starter in the dressing room. I don't think I'll go the extra, rather than waste paper in the modern age. Yes. I want to ask you guys something.

One thing I will miss about the Garrick is the walk-in. I walk in every day. Oh, nice. It's quite a long walk. Yeah. It takes me about an hour to walk in. Lovely, though. It's just under four miles I've worked it out.

But when I get to roads, I have to cross, as you can imagine, several roads, some of which are pelican crossings. I have to cross, as you can imagine, several roads, some of which are pelican crossings. I come across a great many people who are standing next to the white button who have not pressed it. Oh. I come to that a lot.

I mean, a lot. Absolute answers. Now, we talk about the tech explosion in this country if people can't operate the white button a button i don't see the point of free broadband for all but then i started to think rather than dismiss these people as fools i did wonder if it was possible that the button does nothing. All things on a circuit, the green man just comes on now and again as does

the red number. It's a sort of placebo button. They've learnt that from experience. You know we were encouraged to save our railings to make bomb casings in World War II. I don't actually remember that but anyway. And then they found out that they were just dropping the railings

into the Derwent because you couldn't actually recycle them. But it was good. The people liked the idea that they were helping. I wondered if it's a myth. So if there's anyone out there who knows if the white button on pelicans actually does anything,

please let us know on 812.15. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 812.15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email

the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's funny what lights up the switchboard on this show. You know, I can never quite predict it, but you're musing that there's actually possibly no point in pressing the cross button when you're at the... Yeah, the white button. The white button at the pelican crossing.

I probably said the wrong thing there. It's not a pelican. No, I think it is a pelican. There are several different types. Well, we've got a lot of missives in from the outside world. Many of them, and I'm not saying this is a big mob, but many of them telling us about the little spinny thing at the bottom, which is for the impaired.

Is that for the blind? And deaf. Yeah, because Boz is always messing with that. impaired is that for the blind? and deaf I believe the deaf yeah Boz is always messing with that and I didn't even know it existed until he found it it's the right height for him

you see you can actually see it yeah it's a good thing I never go under a surface for fear of chewing yes understood

or boogies obviously yeah yeah Boz we've had our when I used to drink a lot I used to see then like the undersides

of tables and things and breathe out everyone and you'd be amazed how much chewing gum and boogie there is

under the average yes is that right I mean what are people up to 8, 12, 15 what are people up to that's a big, 15, what are people up to? That's a big one to get on a text, isn't it?

Yeah. I like how, I like the work of 666. The devil. Do you? What? There's a nice little sound bite. Frank doesn't. No, I'm anti.

Are you anti? I'm pro the devil. I have officially renounced him and all his works. Well, I haven't done. Oh, I have, actually, because I've done official God parenting. So did I have to renounce the devil? I think you probably did, yeah. I have to renounce Satan.

Yeah. So I pretended. Sorry to spring that on you. Maybe I should read it out. Yeah. Prisoner666 says, Hi, Frank, Miss M, and Muscles. Prisoner 666 says, Hi Frank, Miss M and Muscles.

That nickname has caught on a little bit. I cycle to work every day and cross a busy junction. I never press the walk button, purely because I believe it throws the traffic light cycle out. If I wait a minute, a chance of crossing arrives without putting the motorist out. What a lovely man. Oh, that is, I mean, that reminds me of when I did

the Greenbelt Christian Festival. Oh, yeah. And there was a traffic jam. Can you not say that in front of 666, please? Yeah, don't mention Christians. There was a traffic jam and I realised there was a roundabout and it was three Christian drivers trying to give way

to each other. It was just complete good deeds gridlock. Bless them. Can I give you my theory on the weight signal? It's not technical,

it's psychological. When I had, when psychological sure when I had when my partner and I had couple counselling the counsellor morning everyone the counsellor said he said lots of he always quoted psychological research

and stuff you can split humanity into basically two halves and that is the people the like this the people who feel they've got their hands on the steering wheel of life who think they somehow control their lives and the people who believe that they are blown about like leaves and that life so life does you rather than you do life and i think the people who press the button, which I always do, are people who think they've got, rightly or wrongly,

they've got some sort of control, some charge. And the people who don't think, well, it will stop at some point, I'll leave that to fate and whatever, other people's whims. And I think that is those two people operating. You see, the idea of leaving that button and not pressing it makes me want to vomit. Really? Yeah.

Well, me too. Control-free, yes, I accept, but it's like the lift button. Who goes up to the lift, even if it's lit, and trusts that it's going to work? Well, of course, you know, take us into the other, that the slap in the face, you're an idiot insult when you're standing next to the white button and someone comes up and presses it again.

Amazing. I'm how dare you! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, the last link, we basically lapsed into quite a long discussion about free will, really, didn't we? So we don't want too much philosophy on the show. No. But, well, 766 kind of disagrees with us. Hi, Frank and team.

Read the crossing button. Crossings at traffic light junctions technically don't have to be pressed as the traffic lights will cycle automatically pedestrian crossings however are a request stop so the button has to be pressed i walk the dog every day and have to cross one if i didn't press it i'd still be standing there well can i do hope this assists can i ask a question because that has occurred to me that distinction but why have the white button at traffic light

junctions if it's not going to make that is like the railings in the Derwent, that's just giving us a false sense of control that reminds me of when I played FIFA whatever it was, 20 something for about 10 minutes before I realised that my money hadn't gone in and I was just watching the simulator, Dave.

I thought I was playing it. We're being fooled into feeling that we do have an input into those things. So the people that don't press on zebra crossings, they're right and I'm wrong. I don't know. Well, no, because I would argue that possibly it represents

an approach to life you know what you keep your little approach yeah because it's doing you rather well I would say well Katha

my partner is very much blown by the wind type of person no she'd admit to that. But also, she won't press the button because she thinks you'll get some illness or other. So she will rather stand and wait.

Well, I know what she means, but I've taken to wearing a glove. Okay. In a sort of Howard Hughes. Like the Queen. A bit more Howard Hughes, I feel. You know the Queen wears gloves to shake hands and then they have a bonfire at Buckingham Palace

about once a month and burn them all. I'm going to buy Cass some white gloves. That would be lovely. Just one white glove. That's gone out of fashion a bit, hasn't it? Yeah, I wonder why. Hey! I wonder why that.

Can I share something with you, Al, from Nick Murphy from the Wirral? I've got a glove story I must tell you. Glove story? Where do I begin to tell a story that... No, go on. Sorry, from the Wirral. Nick Murphy from the

Wirral. Hi, Alan, Emily and Frank. Ree Allen's chastisement of the rude woman at the British Museum exhibition. Do you remember, Frank? We were talking last week. Of course, yes. And quick recap. That poor woman. There was a woman who was angry at the noise.

She told off a nice dad. She told off a dad who was explaining things to his child. And she objected to the noise. That was the point there. She said, you're talking too loudly. I can't concentrate. Yeah. So Nick says, Rialan's chastisement of the rude woman at the British Museum exhibition

and Emily's embarrassment at the ensuing silence in the room my wife and I had a similar experience but it was totally our fault we were in a well-known

department store on a Sunday in early November mooching around the quirky Christmas gift section when we came across a collection of

Simpsons characters each sporting a button which when pressed played a recorded sample of thatpsons characters, each sporting a button, which when pressed played a recorded sample of that character's catchphrase. We were pressing away, dough, eat my shorts, and various other hilarious quotes echoed throughout the store. And I say echoed because it seemed strangely quiet all of a sudden.

Imagine our horror when we look round to see everyone in the store standing still in respectful silence for the 11am Remembrance Minute and the dulcet tones of Krusty the Clown ebbed out from our vicinity. Oh dear. Nick246. That is, that's awful. Eat my shorts.

It hasn't really, it hasn't endured, has it? Eat my shorts. Which I think is a shame. When did he last say it? Oh, ages. It's a catchphrase that he became bored of. Yeah. Okay, that's...

Was it don't have a cow man or something as well? Yeah, don't have a cow dude. That was a silly one. Was that one of his... What does it even mean? He's a fickle catch fickle character, Bart Simpson. He tires of them easily. I shudder to think what kind of a partner he'll be in life

when he gets older. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, there's a bit of a clash amongst the wider public. I'm a news presenter. Yeah. Amongst this traffic lights furore that we've somehow started. Oh, yeah. 919 says... Bit of a billy, a billy furore.

I was led to believe that the more times you press the wait button, the quicker the lights will change because the crossing thinks there is more people waiting. No idea whether this is true, but I stand there pressing it nonetheless. I think once it's illuminated, I think that its pressing period is over until it becomes dormant again. Well, what about 926

Nicky in the gym in Cleethorpes who says the lights are on timers set different times for peak periods no need to press the button it's there so we feel in control have a good day. So that was interesting. I like Nicky's tone Well I like Nicky's tone but yeah

it's important for me to feel in control. Yes A little personal insight into my psychological form. Well, I like Nicky's tone, but yeah, it's important for me to feel in control. Yes. A little personal insight into my psychological... Well, no, yeah, you notice that we're all still in our seats. No one has fallen to the ground. But what you don't want is someone who, recognising that, is fooling you into the recycled railings dropped in the Derwent situation. I can't get over that, I'm sorry.

When did it happen? In World War II, people would give up their railings. Yeah, you need to move on now, Tom. It's up there with a late review. It is, but you know, those people who meant so well. Yeah. The other thing, can I say, I found from walking in is how those people... You know, when you approach someone in the street and, you know, you're pushed for space, it's a busy area,

you have to slightly angle. You just have to angle yourself a little in order to pass them. There are some people... A little 15-degreer....that will slightly angle. You just have to angle yourself a little in order to pass them. There are some people that will not angle. Now, the unspoken deal is that you both angle slightly and then it's an acknowledgement. Yeah, but we were about to clash. We've both acknowledged each other's right to the space. Sorry to interrupt. Are you talking about when you're overtaking as a pedestrian

or are you talking about when you're overtaking as a pedestrian or are you talking about when you're walking towards? I'll give you as a visual aid in this. I don't have my LHP with me. But that Verve video when Richard Ashcroft just walks into people walking down the street. There are some people who live their lives like that. there are some people who live their lives like that. Now, in the Bible, I think there's a thing about people who pass through the narrow gate, get into paradise, and these people will not be able to do that

because they won't angle. Oh, is that what the Bible's about? It's about people who do the shoulder clash. Play nicely. I was going to write that down because I'd never known. Yeah. Well, I think you'd agree that those people are intrinsically evil, the ones who don't angle.

They definitely deserve not to get into heaven. No. Definitely. You're going to be down with Prisoner 666. No, I'm quite giving of the space. I sashay at the hips, you know. I sort of twist and let people by. What do you say when they push into you, Frank?

Good citizen. Well, sometimes if I see they're not going to move, I do a very quick assessment of whether I could have them in a fist fight. Yeah, yeah. And Middleton. And then I will, you know, just walk through. Shoulder barge.

Yeah, but sometimes... How often, just out of interest, how often do you think you could have them in a fist fight? Well, not so often nowadays, obviously. But also, my walking through Camden Town, where you could get your head sawn off in an alleyway, that kind of behaviour. From Rose Hill.

Yeah. But it's just, there's something lovely about both giving, you know. I agree. Just saying, oh, there's a little bit of an angle we can now pass together and how lovely that we're all working together as human beings. You know who've developed that really well is kitchen staff. When they're zipping around, they're very good at just gliding past each other. Whoever had the idea of one door that you always go in and one door that you always go out,

I mean, that is, that is a masterstroke. It's lovely. It's almost balletic watching. But imagine that you can approach a swinging door with a handful of plates in full confidence that no one will be coming through the other side. You know, we talk a lot about the internet and that, but as inventions go,

that in and out door and a-out to the door person. Oh, man, whoever had that idea. Probably the bloke who invented those barometer houses with the man and the woman coming in and out. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, we've had some...

Oh, go on, go on. Craig Ramsey says, listening to the folk calling into the go on, go on. Craig Ramsey says, listening to the folk calling in to the Frank on the Radio show... Craig Ramsey? I saw Craig Ramsey down at Harold's place today and he's saying that they're not going to have the Jim Karner this year. You're never going to get an ownership in Leicesters, no matter how hard you try.

Listening to the folk calling in to the Frank on the Radio show on Absolute Radio with their theories, he's put those in quotes. Scare quotes. On how traffic lights work is enlightening. Okay. It really helps you understand how Brexit came about. Oh, Craig

Wow me, Craig You've gone too far, mate That's interesting Because a lot of people don't seem to understand how Brexit came about I'm surprised that by analogy he's found it We've all had a drink But you've taken it too far, mate Well, I wonder if this has any relevance to Brexit.

381. Hold on, does he get in there? Yeah. Oh. 381 has said. Well, can we get, if Dominic Cummings can text it, he can probably tell us how Brexit came about. I work in traffic.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, not me. Is it Stevie Wynwood? 381. They then moved to Capitals By law Oh we can't have Capitals As long as they didn't move to Capital Back to lower caps

I work in traffic By law A button control Has to influence demand You can see this I like that At the Ritz Junction One of the busiest in London

Where there are no ped units. I don't know what that means, but they continue. Bugbear of mine, need walk slash don't walk for consistency. The Ritz Junction. Can I firstly say, what an absolutely fabulous, I mean, Ritz Junction, what a reference point. I did not know it was called that. It is a good junction, though.

For anyone not familiar with that area of London, it's in the Piccadilly area. It's ringing. Sort of St James's Park. It's where the Brits Hotel is, I'm assuming, 381. Okay, yes. You look confused. Your sense of direction is abysmal, though.

There's one outside Buckingham Palace which has got a horse section that you can press it. Let's stick with equine. You press it and it's got a green horse. It doesn't. Honestly, a green horse. If you're going to say it doesn't,

you should really have said nay. Oh, wow. A green horse comes up. It doesn't. Honestly a green horse. If you were going to say it doesn't you should really have said nay. Oh wow. A green horse comes up and it means if you're on horseback. If you've had a bottle of pernod. Because what has always struck me about it is it's not a rider and a horse. It's just a

horse. Just the horse. I like the idea of the horse turning to the rider and saying well this is me I horse. I like the idea of the horse turning to the rider and saying, well, this is me, I think. I'll see you there later. Good luck with everything. Unridden horse is just obeying a traffic light. I love a riderless horse on the run in London. Best thing ever.

But yeah, there is a propercrossing thing of all places. Make sure you don't see four of them. Buckingham Palace. I don't know why. Oh, apocalypse. Thank you. Sorry, I was thinking of some sort of royal carriage. But then I always am.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Have you seen that Subaru ad with a goat on it?

Subaru? Oh, you mean Subaru? Oh, yeah. It's one of his funny ones, Star Wars. Is that how you say it? Subaru? Yeah. Actually, Manic Street Preachers is one as well. Does he do that?

I always think of them as Manic Street Preachers. Manic Street Preachers? Well, is there a street called Manic Street where people preach? I love it when you get like this. Yeah. Oh, that's funny because I hate it. If there is a place called Manic Street, then I think it's fine that they're called Manic Street preachers.

But if they're street preachers who are manic, then they must be manic street preachers, yes. But if they're street preachers who are manic, then they must be manic street preachers. I've always assumed there isn't a manic street. That seems unlikely to me. Oh, you're right. But if anyone knows any different, 8, 12, 15, or email, or, you know. Okay, as I believe Kanye West once said, I'm going to let you have that.

However. But the subaru? No, Sabaru you're not having. Anyway, it's about a sheep that nearly gets run over and its entire life passes before it. Oh yeah. And it's very

cleverly done. You know when they say your whole life, you see it as a baby sheep and all that. I think that advert put me to sleep. I think it's a sheep, could be a goat sleep I think I think it's a sheep could be a goat pretty sure it's a sheep but what's brilliant about it is at one point and I honestly think you know when people talk about great moments in movies like the the knife scene in in the shower in psycho and stuff all the red rum in uh shining okay you don't know that no oh dear i don't like horror films but um just a horror film but there's a bit where a piece of paper blows onto this sheep's face and just sticks there for a bit like it's just in the wind

onto this sheep's face and just sticks there for a bit like it's just in the wind. Oh yeah. And when I saw it I thought whoever came unless it was an accident

but I thought that's fantastic. It's absolutely fantastic. I loved it. I haven't seen the advert since. I'll look out for that. But it's just the wind and it just sticks to his face

and then it blows away. Oh man. How's the Subaru sponsorship deal going? Well, I can't even say their name. You've been sad? I always thought it was Subaru.

No. Subaru, in fact, as in kangaroo. Anyway, check it out. I will have a look for that. Oh, paper stick to sheep's face. Gold. We're having a lot of uh texts about traffic calming measures uh the horse junction that you discussed is called a pegasus junction ah yeah i used to know all these i used

to know all the old yeah the the scramble junction in like there's one that's because you used to wake up on them there's one at oxford circus but it's a Japanese thing, where there's about nine different ways of people crossing. Oh, that sounds good. Oh, God, there's a lot of non-tilting people on those. Also, 258. That's the other thing with crossings, is people who go diagonal. There ought to be lanes on crossings.

People walk straight across you. There are in several countries, I think, yeah. 258 has texted, Hey, team, I'm pretty sure Keanu Reeves does a lot of his own stunts. He's well known for his martial arts and gun skills. Is that right? I believe he is. Excuse me, Al.

Have you finished reading that? Yes. Dave from Warrington has confirmed it was Wednesday night when Gabby Logan was in the Garrick. You were having banter with the Premier League linesman. My wife and I really enjoyed the show. I got Kenny Logan to take a picture of me and Gabs. That's a bit of a cheat.

Bold move. Is it? He's got his international. Yeah. He got to do the photo. Come on. Oh, my goodness. Also, good use of linesman.

I thought he was assistant referee now. Well, Stephen Moffat and Sue Virtue were in last night. I didn't know. I didn't know. Doctor Who legend in the audience. I didn't know. Yeah, but it's best that you didn't. Remember when he came on the show and you kept asking him about...

Remember that episode in 1973? I might have been too the excellent Dracula Dracula I really enjoyed this frightened the hell out of me or did it frighten the hell into me? You choose

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Can I say my Instagram has been populated in the last seven days by people calling me muscles, thanks to you guys. Thanks, Will. Well, if the cap fits. It doesn't though. Anyway, I'll you guys. Thanks, Will. Well, if the cap fits. It doesn't, though. Anyway, I'll grow into it.

I don't know, that MAGA cap looked nice on you. I would love a MAGA cap. I would love it. I would really, really love a MAGA cap. If you wore that, I would love it. Why is a MAGA cap? Make America great again. Oh, okay.

Boys, I want to talk to you about... Is it one of those you know those baseball caps that are slightly too raised at the front

sometimes they have a bit of plastic gauze in them as well the trump caps yeah they're red aren't they and they're called

MAGA caps but there's cool baseball caps I mean I would never wear one myself no but

there are cool ones and then there are cool ones, and then there's those ones that are slightly raised. I know exactly what you mean. I know exactly what you mean. I used to go to four gigs in one because he had all his recording equipment underneath his hat.

Oh, for bootlegging. Yeah. I don't think he meant profit. He just distributed. And the brim of the cap is excessively flat of the baseball cap do you know those ones?

a lot of kids do that now flat brimmed snapback I don't dare you call me that often a Yankees badge or something horrible I want to talk about a survey I read. I mean, I'm making it sound like it was some posh thing.

It wasn't. It was in a tabloid newspaper. But I liked this survey because it was about napping. And I'm quite obsessed by the subject of napping. Okay. Because I loathe it. Do you? I don't. Well, we'll talk about loathe it. Do you? I don't...

Well, we'll talk about this. Madonna loathes hydrangeas. Does she? Yeah. It's one of the phrases that will never leave my head now. She was given hydrangeas and she muttered, I loathe hydrangeas. Yeah, but that's Madonna, isn't it? You heard her at the press conference and she

whispered it. She didn't realise she was mic'd up still. So she turns around and someone gives, oh, what's awful is when they hand the flowers over, she goes, thank you, thank you so much. And then you hear her saying, I love hydrangeas. Yeah, I think... You love naps. Yeah, but I wouldn't, if someone came over to me and discussed naps,

I wouldn't say it behind their back. But if there was a chair for celebrities who are genuinely spiteful and unpleasant she must be remember there was two um two lovely gay men on graham norton's show who made these dolls of her from different periods in her career and she was so disparaging graham norton who likes a bit of acidic humour, you could say he was trying to soften the blow for these two poor guys. She was too waspish for Graham Norton. She's one of the waspy women.

Isn't she? Yeah, she is. I think she's a borderline psychopath, really, isn't she? She said, they were saying this man... Careful, she's in town is she yeah she's at the Palladium

she'll have absolute 80s on rather actually I should still hear that oh yeah yeah but we'll be out of town by the time she hears it

so this company called Mattress Nerd which is one of those price comparison sites oh yeah they theme pools like that.

Lovely, Frank. You're so down with the technology. They're the mattress experts, Mattress Nerd, because it's a big thing. Can I ask you a question? Have you ever slept on one of those mattresses that remember your shape and then you sleep in that slot

every night? Is that how they work? What do Playboys do about that? I mean, they must have all sorts of shapes going on in that memory phone. Does it literally? Does it literally, when you get it? You know how sometimes you see people, like a gunman in a film, say a Day of the Jackal,

when he takes his to-be-constructed gun in a small suitcase and it's all in lovely, neat, proper compartments. Yes. I love that. I love a proper compartment case. Is the bed, does the mattress look like that with your shape in it? Do you have memory foam, Al?

Because I do. I have a memory foam pillow, but I'm so unremarkable that my pillow forgot my face. Oh, sorry to hear oh sorry that's what happens i have to make my own indentation what i like to do i like memory phone because it keeps the new men on their toes leaves the imprint of the last man that was there yeah why not does it stop working eventually is it like people the memory goes a bit memory goes. It's a bit too old. They say you should change your mattress every 10 years, don't they? Yeah, people think they have.

I had a new one a few years ago, very happy with it. 2,000 years ago when I had a chat show, we had a psychic, an American psychic, who'd worked with Madonna, I believe, and he was sort of saying, can you see all these and he kept on about being Native Americans

in the studio running around he didn't use the phrase but we won't and then he suddenly pointed at this guy

in the crowd who looked terrified and he said turn your mattress and he thought what

why would someone from the dead come and tell someone to do that? Mind your own business. Anyway, I don't mean,

I'm not being anti-deadist. Anti-dead? Yeah. Well, we should say they don't have a really good spokesperson. I don't know, I do a pretty good job.

But I think the mattress nerd, I believe the producer's waving things around. And when she's got her leopard print top on, she rules the roost in that top. Yeah, it is very, very Goodyearian. As us old Curry fans like to say. She's got a bit of the Julia batter, actually. Now I've come to think of it.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I really like that. We're talking about napping in this mattress nerd survey. Yeah. Which revealed that nappers are way more productive. Can I ask one other sleeping thing that's just occurred to me? Do people still have waterbeds? Oh, they were a thing.

Is that a thing that still exists, or is that gone? I haven't got one. I think of a very... You're giving a fixed stare there, as if to say... I think of them as a sort of a Paul Raymond. I have an idea. I slept on on one once and it wasn't that i mean i'm slightly frightened of water so it probably obviously i've slept on water many times it's been my own god what what was the uh wasn't there a james bond film where there was a waterbed? Well, he's a sort of ideal.

James Bond is such a sleazebag. One of my regrets from the days when I did the show called Room 101 was that Victoria Cora Mitchell wanted to put in James Bond because he's such, he's so, you know, with women and stuff. And not just with women, but, you know,

normally a bloke who goes to casinos and tries to seduce people, you'd think was horrible. He's a bit cigar smoker of the year. Yeah, and she made that point, you know, but he smells of aftershave and stuff. And I should have put him, he should have been condemned, really, Jack. I know I do like the films, but he's a bit of a slimeball. There should have been condemned really jack i know i like i do like the films but he's he's a bit of a slime ball there should be one called slime ball he is a bit of a slime ball but you know it's nice it's nice because it's sort of a fantasy idea that spies were

i mean you know well really well really um i think he should have had a boyfriend let's be honest if it was true to life yeah and been a communist yeah what I felt is if they kept it in the 60s so it was like a retro film

and it was made in 60s you would be fine with it because that's what it was like but because they modernised it you think I don't like this bloke leave her alone

yeah anyway the survey Because they're modernised, you think, I don't like this bloke. Leave her alone. Yeah. Anyway. The survey. Mattress nerd. Oh, my God, they're getting a lot of press. I know, I'm sorry, keep mentioning. I don't even know what they are. Are they on compare?

Well, you go on there and you choose which mattress you want. And they'll say, do you want firm, you know, do you want soft? Do you want memory foam? It's good to know, actually. All three, please. I don't. And I opted, I'm not getting paid to say this, I opted for a Lisa.

It comes in a box. Okay. Opens out, you watch it grow. And Bob's like, stop it, Frank. I'm not doing that. You did. I saw your face. You guys are allowing me to not say things i've never

ordered i've never ordered elisa online just for clarity is that what you said elisa yes a meerkat presumably would leave no blemish on a memory foam that's just too light too light yeah insignificant the dodges of cambridge why is money wasted Do you know, that would be my dream, to leave no imprint on the memory foam. I say, I was there last night, oh, there's no sign of you. I know. I want to be like on Larkin's Arundel tomb. If I had one, I'd want to see my entire imprint

so I could make a chocolate me, maybe, with my memory foam matches. Yeah. I suppose people do that a lot, but I've never had the opportunity. OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 657, my ex-husband still has a waterbed. OK, let me just unpack.

Now, that, to me me is a one sentence novel. My ex-husband still has a waterbed. Says so much in so few words. It really is. It's a sort of title for, it's a no sound on the beach. I want to hug her immediately for what

she's had to put up with. Well there's more. Yeah. Do you want to hear more? Do you want to finish the message, Al? My ex-husband still has a waterbed that has been in our family for 40 years. Okay, let that sink in, no pun intended. Yeah. 40 years, which is about the right circle, isn't it?

40 years of hurt. So that means that this character has taken... 40 years of squirt. It's a waterbed. That's what I said of squirt it's a waterbed that's what I said I said it's a waterbed yeah taken this character

this character's taken the waterbed out of the family because he's the ex-husband yeah she says it's been in our family

well it's not a grandfather clock it's a sleazy old waterbed I must transport in them do you drain them

well carry them out. And then refill them at the new place. She says he's not long bought a new mattress for it. I thought it was the mattress. Excuse me. What happens? You have the water. Can I say Emily actually put her hand up there?

It's a marvellous flashback. I still do it. Sometimes in business meetings I'll do it. I like it. It's just, comeous flashback. I still do it. Sometimes in business meetings I'll do it. I like it. A lot of people do. It's just, come on, what about me? There is a water element, like the memory foam. It's several inches long. And then the mattress itself is separate.

The whole thing isn't water. I believe so. Any mattress experts, please do get in touch. If I'm incorrect... Well, I think... I have a vague memory of sleeping on a waterbed in a hotel once, and I think it was just like a big bag of water that I slept on. Right, the whole thing.

You don't think... No, I think there must be some spring element, would you not say? Well, I... surely they'd rust. Yeah. The springs. Yeah, you couldn't have springs in with the water. Well, the thing about this mattress, Lark, they have said in this survey that naps make you not only more productive,

but happier and more confident. We're talking about daytime naps, that kind of thing. Yeah, fitter, happier, more confident. We're talking about daytime naps, that kind of thing. Yeah, fitter, happier, more productive. What's the upper and lower time limit on your definition of a nap? Well, I would say most people would define, I mean, some people are quite strict and say you should never lapse into what I believe is called stage two sleep. I agree with that.

You don't want to be an iron napper. No, exactly. Well, what was... So that would be what? So stage two... That's REM, is it? That's REM. It is.

So Salvador Dali, I think Einstein did this as well, had slumber with key. Do you know about slumber with key? Oh, yeah. Salvador Dali would nap regularly. I wouldn't let him sleep on my waterbed. Not unless he agreed to on gel. Yeah, but he's always got the dressing gown on, surely.

He would sleep. He had a system. He had a key in his hand. He'd nap. And he'd place a plate on the floor. So the idea was that you sleep and the minute the key touches the plate and crashes to the ground, that's when you wake up,

because that's when you're entering stage two sleep. Did he never roll over, Salvador Dali? I think he was doing it upright in a seat. I think it's a seat sleep. He did it in the seat. You know what, he was an eccentric guy. He was, yeah. Late review.

This news just in, Al. Salvador Dali was slightly eccentric. I met a man... Wait till we show you his paintings. Slumber with Key, it's like Dancers with Wolves. I love it. I met a man who used to work with Mr Teasy Weezy Raymond, the celebrity hairdresser.

And Salvador Dali used to go in their salon. I mean, what? Imagine him coming in. Like a cat, of course. He could judge whether he could get through the door

with his moustache. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So, we were talking about the napper. Do you boys, the concept of napping,

do you guys, are you nappers? I think it as a quite a right wing thing isn't it they always if they talk about napping you're never a thatcher hitler was hitler a napper these are people that didn't sleep at night time though no maybe that's uh maybe that's it i believe used to say you get two days in one. Oh, did he? That was his idea about napping. My son told me that Churchill invented the phrase power nap,

but I don't know if that's true. I love your son. Yeah, he's great, but he's got that from Horrible Histories, which I think is now largely inaccurate, isn't it? Is it? I thought the whole thing with Horrible Histories was that it was accurate. Yeah, and they don't lie. They don't tell no lie. I think it's been debunked in recent weeks.

Has it? The great horrible histories scandal. Yeah, exactly. I take it as absolutely gospel. As the biggest scandal that I've missed. It's dangerous to do that. Do you know, you can't trust actors like you used to. No, you're quite right.

Can I say, yeah. Oh, legend alert, 621. I'm a proud napper, 20 minutes at lunchtime. I even started a craze for it at my workplace. Craze? Can I say, Al? At their desk, presumably. Al, whatever happened to craze?

Oh, yeah. Craze was a very 70s thing. What, a craze, wasn't it? Yeah. Just that for concept of a craze. I think the last craze we covered was fidget spinners, wasn't it? Yeah. What about ice bucket challenge?

I don't think there's been one since fidget spinners. Oh, okay. Let's keep our eye out for the next craze, yeah? What about the, you know, the water bottle, standing the water bottle on its end, that was a bit of a craze. I need to find this, because I can't, but someone did message us earlier and I will credit him at some point

saying whatever happened to chillblains good question and of course the big threat was if you're coming from the cold don't put your feet right next to the fire you have to get them gradually used to warmth or you'll get chillblains

that was the advice well maybe I'm right Wing because I've been a napper for years. What the? Have you really? Yeah, particularly if I'm gigging not so much if I'm at home but

this article I have to disagree with though because it says that nappers are more productive and I can't imagine how unproductive I would be if I didn't now because I'm not that productive does this make that mean that I wouldn't make the kids tea which is about all I do some days well I this is absolutely true I read this article about napping and I thought that's interesting and then I went to bed and slept for an hour and a half.

Whoa! On the strength of this article. That's a long nap. Yeah, and it was... When you say you went to bed, so this is where I'm intrigued. For these naps that you gentlemen have, because I don't have them. Well, can I say, I have a futon. You have the compromised sleeping area.

It's the ramp, isn't it? I like it. It makes me feel like I'm in old Tokyo. It's right. I love it. I tell you. What happens when you go for a nap then, Frank? You go, oh, I think I'll have a little lie down.

Well, there are certain problems about having the spontaneous nap. Okay. Maybe I should do it after this break. Okay. Because the producer is breathing down my neck. But, yeah, there are things that make it tricky,

which I think are not considered in this article, and I think it's good to air them. Okay. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Okay. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. My problem with the spontaneous nap is, well, I have stayed awake when I've really needed a nap because I've already put contact lenses in and I didn't want to waste the money. Oh. God, you're so ruled by this. Because you can't sleep in them until you have to take them out.

Once you take out the disposable. How much are the contact lenses? You're doing all right. You've just sold out virtually the Garrett Theatre. I know, but I don't like waste in any form. I'm with you on this, Frank. I mean, I don't have contact lenses. Well, you do surprise me.

But I would rule out a nap if it cost me money. Or if you've already gelled. Oh. As well, because your hair I would rule out a nap if it cost me money. Or if you've already gelled. Oh. As well, because your hair never recovers from a nap. Wake up looking like foghorn leghorn.

This is my problem with it, Frank. I say, foghorn leghorn. Yes. I think, I mean, I've got to be honest, I think naps are essentially

just for dogs in the unwell. Oh. Really. Because, possibly some children, some. What about the aged at the other end? My father-in-well. Oh. Really. Because, possibly some children, some. What about the aged at the other end? My father-in-law? Just crack on.

Mid-80s. They are the unwell, aren't they? Crack on, yeah. They are the unwell, and children. They're a blend of both. And in many respects, the dog. When I started school, which wasn't until I was five,

times were different, there used to be a thing in the afternoon where the teacher would say, right, we're going to sleep now, and we'd put our arms on our desk and sleep for half an hour. Brilliant. And some of us, you know, didn't. But often you would just literally go to sleep.

It's surprising what you can do. I've always envied people's ability to switch off and just sleep. I can't do it. My brain is too that's why you hate too neurotic perhaps but i find i tell you why i also hate naps because i have a whole ritual when i go into the covers i need to plait my hair i need to cleanse tone and moisturize i need to brush my teeth twice twice yes i need to put the pajamas on there's a lot of involvement do i want to do that twice in a day sometimes if i nap i just get in with my all my clothes you don't good yeah good

for you you know in my drinking days some if there was five or six of us sitting around the table it would not be unusual for one of them to just suddenly put their face on the table and dip out a conversation for like half an hour they're sort of crop rotation uh what did you do then we'd just leave them and then they would emerge refreshed and um when you say refreshed well yeah smelling of lemon fragrance it's a bit like putting all the blinks you would have done in the conversation into one solid block. If someone

fell asleep at the table, I'd call the police. Oh, really? Well, we couldn't be calling the police every night. Have you never been out in a nightclub and found one of your mates next to, like, a massive speaker, fast asleep? I've done that with several friends. Absolutely not.

I slept through Billy Idol's Generation X band two successive nights at Barbara and I said to be woken up. They came on stage and I thought, I love these brilliant. And two songs in I was suddenly woken up by people mopping the floor.

If someone falls asleep I I see men sometimes. I mean, women too. But sometimes men, and I think to the woman with him, and they're at the theatre or the cinema and the man's sleeping, I think, how can you be with him? Divorce, instant. Really? I can't bear it.

It's like sleeping through a performance. My wife and I went to a gong bath, you know, where a guy plays the gongs and he's... Oh, God. And... Oh, no. So you lie down... Don't say you know when I absolutely do not know.

You lie down on a yoga mat and this guy plays... You went to that? Yeah, I went to that. You must have been starving at the end of it. The gong, the gong ringing for that long. And apparently I snored through quite a lot of it. Oh, no. Couldn't you pass it off as chanting?

I denied it. I thought it was somebody else. I said, oh, God, that woman near me snoring. Look, I have a message for our readers. What is it? Next week, the show will be pre-recorded, so you won't be able to text and email us as normal. But what we would love, if you could bear it,

is to email us in advance, and then we'll talk about those things on the show. Because I don't like it when the show doesn't have audience input. Why are we pre-recording? Has Alan got a gong bath? Yeah, I feel like I need to catch up on some Z's. He's got a little gong bath going on. Don't tell people that.

I don't have time. That was a confidence. I don't have time. I'm just going to have a quick tambourine bath. I've got the triangle bath. Well, I've heard that. So, you get your emails in and that would be lovely. So thank you so much for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!