The Frank Skinner Show - Gold Braces

Episode Date: March 6, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a question about luggage and it was Pronunciation Saturday. The team also discuss Lil Uzi’s pink diamond, tip-toeing and Eurovision songs.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do it. Good morning to you. Morning. Morning, Alan. down the line morning i was um i was driving

in this morning i was uh i was coming through um oxford circus listening to ross buchanan and he played you know i said there are some songs i'm not saying they're bad songs but they make me laugh out loud everything by bruce Springsteen, for some reason, makes me laugh out loud. I think it's his earnestness. But I'm not saying they're bad. And he played It's a Kind of Magic by Queen, which is absolutely hilarious. And I don't know why, but you think it can't get any funnier. And then Brian May's solo.

Oh, man. Anyway, I enjoyed that. And it made me think, wouldn't it be a great end? Say if you went to see Hamlet at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre. And at the end, all the dead bodies are there. And I think he's a hotspur who turns up at the end to save the day. And all these dead bodies. And you just hear, and you a hot spur who turns up at the end to save the day, and all these dead bodies, and you just hear,

and you can't even see who's doing it, it's clicking. It's a kind of tragic. It's a kind of tragic. And gradually the dead people start going, it's a kind of tragic. Tragic. It's a kind of tragic.

And then Hamlet. It's a kind of tragic. And then Hamlet. It is a kind of tragic. The crowd get up and dance at the inn. Are they perhaps holding... You can have that, Horace. Are they holding a skull as well? The skull would be like a... That would be one of the lighter things.

That's the sort of chorus line prop. That's a development a bit later on in the song. Don't throw it all in at the beginning. We've had many Skinner improvements on things over the years. Yeah, exactly. The choral number at the end of Hamlet, I did not anticipate it would work. You know, at the end of those Shakespeare's,

the bows, bows, bows. Those Shakespeare's? Yeah. You just bow, bow and everyone claps. Wouldn't it be nice to have it if the crowd could get up and actually sway a bit? Especially a lot of them, they paid for that hip. Al, what's worrying me is that he has got form for approaching Andrew Lloyd Webber with his helpful advice. I'm worried about Trevor Nunn.

I'm guessing that the RSC the Royal Shakespeare Company are very open to wacky, slightly lowbrow suggestions about their productions, more user friendly they always talk about user friendly you know, classical theatre and the opera and ballet

but they don't really they don't want the people in truth be told ok I'll lie, but they don't really. They don't want the people in, truth be told. True. Okay. Okay. Oh, I'll tell you what I was going to ask you.

I was, this has happened to me twice in the last week. I'm walking down the road on a journey that was absolutely necessary. And, you know, when you turn a corner that Doctor Who memorabilia won't buy itself out exactly you know when you turn a corner and there is I always turn a corner I slow up a bit and I give it a little bit of space

because I think somebody might there are people who absolutely just come round the corner as if there couldn't be another person on the planet. And it's not just in lockdown. Yeah, and they go tight against the bench, like if it's a wall. Tight on the bench, an elbow, getting a little bit of brick dust as they come round.

Go wide. I find it absolutely stunning that people, do they spend their whole life knocking coffee over people and walking into the yardsticks of council workers who were measuring the road.

I saw a bloke doing it, actually they do still do it. Is that when they have the tripods, Frank? What does that mean with the tripods? I don't know, I've never worked out what that is. They're have the tripods, Frank? What does that mean with the tripods? They have a... I don't know what... I've never worked out what that... They're surveyors, aren't they? And they get down and they look through a little thing on the tripod.

There'll be one listening. Oh, OK. Probably listening to this with the radio on a tripod. Yeah. But, yeah, there's that. But I saw a bloke not long ago obviously from the council Hyvis and he was pushing

I have to say not like the yardsticks of yesteryear which was a yard circumference thing that clicked

every time this was a lot more computerised but they must walk those corner bullies must walk

into a lot of those corner bullies yeah walk into a lot of those. Corner bullies? Yeah, if anyone can tell us what those blokes are doing with a tripod. If anyone is a corner bully. You know what? Can I just tell you something about this? How many things have you heard where people are saying, or on the internet, where people say,

oh, yeah, those people who put their bags on their seats on the trains. I've never seen anyone say, oh yeah, I do that. It's always, yeah, it's absolutely outrageous. Well, who's doing it? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were... We were talking...

Are you laughing at Al? I like Emily saying, okay. Just really tickled me. We were talking about, well you were talking Frank. I made a mistake. When I say I made a mistake, I'm defending myself here. I did not say this with certainty. I said I wasn't sure.

certainty. I said I wasn't sure. But I said that Hotspur I thought it might be Hotspur that turns up at the end of Hamlet. Welcome to commercial radio on a Saturday morning. It turns out, Frank, it is. It's Fortinbras, it turns out. Hold it. Correzione,

Correzione, ole, ole, ole. It just sounds like that's a football crowd saying it, doesn't it? You've got a frog in your throat in that. I just want to point that out. Ian Stewart, Dotson and Annabel Grant, thank you for pointing that out. No, thanks.

But I did say... To be honest, the people who turn up at the end of Shakespeare's tragedies are very bland. Henry VII type. They just turn up, they're nobody. They're just there, you often duplicate the ruling, actual real rulers of the country. So, you know, you forget, they all mould into one. They all just turn up and say, now we've learned a lot.

Yes, all this poor man lie, but I shall bring a new truth to this world. We shall begin again and you, the one bloke who lived, shall be my friend. It's all that. Well, sometimes you get them turning up literally just to say, well, this is terrible what's happened. Oh, look, everyone's dead. As you can see, I didn't notice. Whilst we're on the subject,

Annabelle Grant also says, same sort of energetic up-and-coming character, though. Yeah, thanks, Annabelle. Like that. Thanks. She knew where I was coming from. Al, whilst we're on the subject of things Shakespearean, we have had, Frank, people getting in touch,

haven't we, Al, about the Shakespeare heckles? I told a Shakespeare heckle that I went to see the Scottish play and when the, is this a dagger I see before me happened, a kid shouted from a school party, he said, they should have had one on a string. And then people sent in some really good heckles i think my favorite was was um bottom from midsummer night's dream i think uh doing uh the play within a play and a bloke shouting, more lies. Fantastic. The well has not run quite dry yet. There are more. Good morning, gang.

Ree Shakespeare hecklers. I still love a text that has Ree. In the 1990s, we were taken through to Edinburgh by our English teacher to see Romeo and Juliet. When Juliet asks, wherefore art thou, Romeo, a boy in my class shouted shouted I am Spartacus. Yeah, I like a bit of fusion. If this obviously pre-planned outburst wasn't disrupting enough,

the next several minutes of the play were attempted to the background of the teacher battling to evict him. I've had it up to him. Oh, no. I've had it up to here with you, Kenneth. Do teachers still say, I've had it up to here with you? Yeah. I worry that in a darkened theatre,

Kenneth wouldn't be able to see how far up the teacher was referring. And that's just going to confuse him. I like the child who was a teenager in the 90s who was called Kenneth. Oh I think they must yeah I hope he was called Kenneth. We've got also we have from Fiona in Banks Southport

at the Merchant of Venice in Blackpool starring Prunella Scales shouts of Basil. Oh, no. Praise Redacted. Oh, come on. Oh, no. I saw a Hamlet in Wolverhampton where somebody shouted

on me head, son, in the graveyard scene because it'd been used in a sort of Carlsberg advert. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. By the way, before we go out of this, can I remind you again that the last time we talked about this, we found out that Alan played Romeo. Indeed. Top man.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I enjoyed Helen Brown's... It's not really a children's heckle to a Shakespeare play, but I enjoyed this nonetheless. Helen Brown says, I think outdoor theatre's probably the worst for this. I saw Othello in the ruins of Kenilworth Castle. In the final act, a cat wandered across the stage

and in the distance, the sound of an ice cream van. Oh, man. I think there's something lovely about that, isn't there? It's very British. Especially it being in the final act where you think, oh, when this is done, I can have a 99 before going home. Oh, you'd never make it. The horror, I mean, the absolute horror of hearing an ice cream van stop

and for some reason you're restrained from going to it and then it pulls off again. That's the sort of stuff that I'm covering in my new channel, Absolute Horror. I'm pitching to the powers that be. By the way, it's occurred to me, when I was talking about council workers pushing a computerised yardstick,

you never see... You know, luggage on wheels is a thing i've always been very anti and one of the reasons about it is they there's a thing dragging behind and people forget about it and they walk right in front of you nearly fall over their thing like as i've said i always imagined centaurs had a similar um indifference to other people and what they were dragging behind them. You never see, or I never see anyone pushing. Why don't people push their luggage? Wouldn't that be more logical? Then you've got your eye on your luggage,

you're making a little barrier. When our child was a baby, I found a boggy was a great, it was like a plough through humanity. Excellent. So why do people drag it? Why don't they plough? Yeah. Alan, over to you, our transport correspondent for this.

I don't know, but I do, I have just had a flashback of one of the many moments in my life when I realised that my ambition was lacking was at the Edinburgh Festival. I saw a man with two large wheelie suitcases, one on each hand, as it were, and on cobbles. And I just thought, I wouldn't take that on. This guy has got so much more ambition than me.

No, on cobbles. I mean... Oh, wheelie on cobbles? They look lovely on cobbles. When you're in a cab, you know, and it goes on the cobbles, it's a different... you've got to be careful what you're up to. Also, it has just become so associated

with an apprentice, a loathsome apprentice candidate, the wheelie suitcase. I see. It's very much what they do at the beginning when they have that do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, you see them on their wheelie suitcase. I did some filming from...

I can't remember where it was now, but it was outside of London. It's where they film Lighty Lighty. What's that thing called? Take me out. Lighty Lighty? Yeah, take me out. No likey, no likey.

And all you could hear in my dressing room, all you could hear all day was the click of stilettos and the sound of those wheels going past. Anyway, you know, it's a very, very popular show. And good on you. He's just got a guest appearance on it. No, wait, take me out. I'd only go on Take Me Out if it was a show for hitmen.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was we... Oh, yes, I was talking about my... Oh, sorry, Al. We have various things from the outside world that I'd like to thank the wider world for. First and foremost, I've received my Nicholas Hemingway travel pen. Can I thank the man himself for that?

It's smashing. It's really good. What do you think he looks like? Perhaps the travel, but I've been using it for playing Boggle. It's very good. Yeah, it's a bad time, Nicholas, to bring out a travel pen. Yeah. Staying in pen, that's what you need. No, they are beautiful.

I'd also like to thank Nicholas Hemingway for my pen. Did you get yours as well? Yes, I did. Excellent. Has it taken 10% off the sheen of your gift now? No, not at all. What I would say about that pen, beautiful action. Lovely action.

And I'd like to thank him for The Old Man and the Sea. It's a fabulous novella which kept me company in my youth. I'd also like to thank the people of the outside world for informing me. Do you remember a couple of weeks ago I was bemoaning the fact that my hand got burned through an oven glove and that the oven glove had just one job and yet it singed off my thumbprints? I haven't been able to use any of my devices since then.

Would have been a great time to go burgling, though, Al. Yes, indeed. Well, guess what? We've had information from the readership who've told me that it was probably that it was wet

if it's a cloth oven glove and it's wet it just doesn't do its job it becomes a deadly device

it's the opposite of phosphorus which is safe when it's wet and if you

take it out it bursts into flames. You know that's a lovely nice bit for all our science listeners. Well they'll know the phosphorus stuff but the oven glove might be what they use is those robber gloves that are set in the wall

you know those thick black and they reach in and mess about with isotopes. They must take those home for the, well, goodness knows what they took them home for. That's their business. Well, like you haven't come across a pair of those in your time, Frank.

I mean, how many scientists have took those home and fitted them into the semi-detach while the neighbour was out and then in the night the two arms have appeared in the darkness. If there's any scientists listening who've done... No, there won't be. And if there will, there won't.

There won't, fair soul. Speaking of science, I was using my electric toothbrush this week. Oh, I thought you were going to talk about the character who entered the Big Brother house. Do you remember that? There was someone called Science. Oh, there was someone called Science. Only person I've ever encountered called Science.

Do you think he took that name himself? I suspect so. I suspect it wasn't something... I think there was a character called Phosphorus as well. It was fine when he was in the shower. But no. So something happened. You know something the things happen in life what i would call what not what i would call what anyone would call a happy coincidence when things just

work out oh lovely and i was using my um my electric toothbrush and i one of my things that really get me is when it goes mid-tooth clean. And I've never really... What I do is I switch to a manual halfway. Do you know a manual? The woman next door. No, but I do that and I don't add extra tooth. I just put the electric one down

and I go for a manual and finish it off with that. That's my... What about when it's on its last legs? There's no sadder sound than that. If you listen very carefully, it's like opening a safe. You can hear the... And you just think it's going to go... But I'd literally finished the last tooth and it stopped

and it really made me happy. Absolutely. I wish I could charge it just enough so it did that every time I cleaned my... If there was a scale on it, like when you're filling up a petrol tank and you want to get it on the zero, that would be wonderful.

Yeah. But yes, so I... That's the question. You know, we had somebody very wittily sent in a message whatever happened to whatever happened to

yes we did have that today it's a very good point actually we'll name check that we used to do a thing called whatever happened to whatever happened to electric carving knives

are they still are they still on the road I suspect Al's got one of those yeah we do somewhere of course you do Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I think I, apparently, I've been pulled up on a senior moment.

Have I? Yes. I think we might all have to have collective responsibility for it. Tuppence, who's a regular correspondent to the show, has texted, OMG, WHT, which is whatever happened to, electric carving knives, you've done, ha ha. A lady wrote in and said she had a 30-year-old one.

Love whatever happened to, keep it coming. And then there's some praise, so we'll just leave that. I've got to tell you, I don't remember. I've got to tell you, I don't remember doing electric carving knives at all. Yeah. But there you go. I'm sorry.

But, you know, if you're out with your mates, like, this is how this show works, isn't it, with the people at home. We're out with our mates. If somebody says, you know, oh, what about, just say, was it about that last week? Shut up about that. So you move on. Yeah.

Exactly. Sometimes we revisit older establishments. Oh, it's okay to revisit, but I honestly do not. It could be one of my weeks off. I've had three in the last 15 years. The old collective responsibility

lasted long, Al. There you go. Frank, Carl I think I got out of that. Carl from Stourbridge Stourbridge, I used to live in the Amblecote on the lakeside estate

Carl, do you know it? Okay. He is one of our regulars actually. Hello Alan Frank and the Divine Emily. Frank once said that if he goes on YouTube and there is an advertisement before the video, I love that you've gone for the full advertisement, not ad there.

I love that you say advertisement. I say advertisement. I'm guessing you're right. No, I wouldn't. I say advert. No, but if you had to say the full word, I can't imagine what context that would be. Advertisement.

Maybe if you had to write like 20,000 letters and you thought, I'll get as many in as I can. Advertisement. What do you say? You say advertisement. Yeah, but I bet you're right. I think I would say advertisement. Oh, would you?

Well, I'll go with you. Is it the North South Divide? I say it. Is it the North-South divide? I say, is it, Geoff, is it an example of the North-South divide? Is that what we're witnessing on this occasion? I just can't envisage myself saying, have you seen that advertisement? Well, because you'd say advert probably. OK. I like advertisement.

I like it. It's got a lot of the end of it before the video so if there was one before the video so nearly always is now isn't it you go on youtube yeah and you get um and it says something like video follows in 30 seconds or something like yeah and then it's some you know carl young people. Carl says, you have previously said, if there was one, you would not watch it. Does he still stick to that principle? Because I can barely go on YouTube now without some sort of ad. P.S., do you still have a jingle for Email Corner?

Well... Peace and love. This is a no-yes answer. We do still have Email Corner, and here it is. Oh, I missed it, I missed it. I'll do it next time. You have to add to it. Oh, no.

I have to share email just before they say corner. I'm going to do it again. Sorry, what's this reader's name? This is Carl from Starbridge. Carl. This time, Carl, I'll get it right. Here we go. Email.

Fuck. Because it's hard to meet Carl on the corner because Starbridge is surrounded by an enormous ring road. But never mind. And the other thing is, in the end, they broke me down, Carl. I did about two months of, if an advert came up I didn't watch, even if I really wanted to see the clip. But in the end, I just, I had to give in like everyone else has to. just I had to give in

like everyone else has to so I had to watch the stupid advert what my new thing is I write down stupid advert I write down

what's advertised and swear never to buy any of those I'm seeing that as a compromise this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We sorted out, I think Emily has sorted out, our pronunciation wars. I think it's pronunciation, isn't it?

Oh, no. So I said advertisement. No, Emily, she started it. She said advertisement. And I said advertisement. and then there was some debate Al you said something completely off menu I think Al said he'd never

ever said the full version of advert in his whole life I think that might be true until the last link that we did I think I would probably go advertisement if I had to well i discovered i used that break well and i discovered that advertisement is the traditional rp pronunciation okay advertisement is what my my father would have called an American corruption.

OK? OK, so we've gone... OK, so me and Al are using the American version. Who would have thought? The Americans. I've come to breaking news. Frank Skinner and Alan Cochran are not RP. No.

But I... I liked it, Al. When I said, that's the RP pronunciation, Frank said, like, a suspicious local. He went, okay. Like I walked into the pub saying, excuse me, can I use your lavatory? I just...

I suppose I watched so many programmes set in the Wild West when I was a kid. I'll pick up some Americanisms. Although your advertisement doesn't come up that often. You don't get the old-timer saying, you see, I saw an advertisement in

the Gazette for an old-timer. Thought I'd come and talk to the sheriff. I think you'll be an advertisement. Who's the English guy in the sheriff's office? I need some new saloon doors. Why don't you put on an advertisement in the middle of that here paper? New saloon doors.

Because they must go down, which is a lot. The better shooting that goes on. The money they must spend. And in the cold weather, don't they ever think, I wish we hadn't gone for those swinging doors, the only covering part of them? Yeah, the draft. Oh, drafty.

But great if you're taking a try of drinks out to cowboys who are sitting in the street, of course. Absolutely perfect. They must spend so much on glassware as well. Oh, God, can you imagine? I mean, whenever they have those fights, people wipe things clean off, don't they? They do.

The mirror, that ornate mirror behind the bar, that always goes. I mean, I've said to them time and time again, look, ditch the mirror. The amount of fights you have in here, it's simply not practical for your uses no but anyway um so we yeah so we were both right yeah or were we both wrong you choose i'm not going on you choose i have to watch the advert for yeah talking of uh americans Talking of Americans, are you familiar with the work of...

Can you say it one more time? It's getting a little creepy now, but anyway. Americans. There's always the old English bag in the movie who says that. Is he an American? Frank, are you familiar with the work of Lil Uzi Vert? Frank are you familiar with the work of Lil Uzi Vert? Well I've heard of Lil Uzi Vert Who was the first, by the way who was the first Lil?

There's a few Lils aren't there around in the urban music world Who pioneered? Who was the... I remember Lil Abner was a comic book character probably in the 30s. Okay. But the first Lil? Sid Lil and Eddie Large.

No, no, I think if you check that up, I mean, the memory plays tricks. I think you'll find they don't do it with Large, I mean, the memory plays tricks. I think you'll find. They don't do it with large, the rappers, do they? You don't get Ludge. Yeah, Lidge, Big Smalls, Biggie Smalls. Biggie Lil, you'd be called now, probably.

Or Big Lil, who I knew well in the 80s I don't know who was the first Lil if anyone's got an answer to that anyway Lil Uzi Vert

I to be honest I'm not familiar with his back catalogue he's one of the Philly rappers is he really

I you know I respect him I used to be really mad into hip you know, I respect him. I used to be really mad into hip hop and then I just stopped. But that was pre Lil L.U.V. I believe he was originally called C-Lab Vertical. Oh, now. Now you've got me.

Anyway, I've only heard about him and we should, I need to move on because the producer's got those fleshy bits under my armpits again. But I've only heard of him because of some ornamentation that he's adopted recently, which I think we're probably going to discuss. So we'll come back to Lil Uzi Vert after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I might check out Lil Oosievert because I don't like the idea of only knowing him for his...

Yes, and then... Well, we should say what he is... The reason he's in the press a lot at the moment is that he bought a $24 million pink diamond, which is what I mean. And he's had it set in the middle of his forehead. Yeah. Yeah.

Implanted. Wow. He is known for his, I believe it's called flexing, the big jewellery spend. Yeah. Is that what it's called? I'd never heard that before. Flexing's very much your area, so I assume you're familiar with the term. I'm known for my flexing, but that's a different thing.

It's just me showing off the old muscles. So Little Richard, if Little Richard had come out now, would he be Lil Richard? Yeah. And I think Stevie Wonder was little when he started. I mean, as in, he was called... So he'd be Lil Stevie Wonder. Oh. Little Eva.

Yeah. Lanktree. Yeah. So, yes, so he's got this pink diamond. He's already got gold braces. OK. Golden braces. And didn't see that Bond film Didn't fancy it

It was about the teenage Bond And No it was about when Jaws won the lottery Jaws went bling Golden Braces Golden Braces And then a bloke

Looks into the camera With his gold And goes With his mouth He's the man The man with the Golden gums He spends

Very large sums Anyway So yes I've never heard of this Is this a thing That I've missed out on People having Jewellery set... I mean, I'm familiar with the sort of

Anyways Essex Diamante finish that some ladies go for. But this is set. This is actually sort of bolted. And I don't think he calls it finish to try and be discreet. Well, I don't know how many to breakfast radio. Yeah. But this seems to be sort of bolted. It's connected to Lil Uzi Vert's skull.

He was. Did you see, Al? I mean, I saw his stories on the gram and he was bleeding. You got a radiogram. He was bleeding. He was bleeding radiogram. He was bleeding. He was bleeding on the gram. And grumpy. It's funny, you'd think somebody with a $24 million face

would be cheerier, but he's grumpier than me in the last couple of years. So I was shocked. People listening to this will think, what happened in the last couple of years? But we'll move on from here well I don't know what it I mean to me I would be

afraid to have well I wouldn't want a 24 I mean if anyone wants to send one in as a gift but I don't know I just I'd see it as such a responsibility having a 2424 million diamond. Just where do you put it?

Your face. Yeah, but, I mean, in the summer I sleep with the windows open. We get a great many magpies in our house. You don't want that, do you? Imagine waking up and there's a magpie on your... Imagine on your face, picking with its sharp beak, pulling a diamond out of your forehead. Yeah. Forehead is another one, of course.

You don't hear any more. Everyone said forehead when I was a kid for forehead. Do you know, I still sometimes say that. Yeah, people would say to me. Is it an American with a forehead? People would say to me, you've got a big forehead.

And, yeah, I'm not having a diamond fitted. I'm having solar panels. And I shall live forever. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And I shall live forever. Where were we? We were discussing Lil Uzi.

Before we do, there's a couple of things I need to attend to, some business matters. 942, I frequently put my bag on the seat next to me on the train. Respect. Well, I don't respect you for doing it, but for saying you do it, thank goodness. That is the first time ever I've heard anyone say, yeah, I'm one of those people. 942 continues, and I pretend to be asleep so no one disturbs me. Oh, excellent. I also pretend to be asleep so no one disturbs me. Excellent. I also pretend to be asleep when the ticket inspector comes. That doesn't work does it? So I don't have to root around for my ticket it works do you want to know it's just from Danny in Tunbridge Wells. Okay. Do

you want to have a guess Frank how many what percentage of the time that works, that strategy? I would say less than 40% of the time. According to Danny, 90% of the time that works. Wow, they won't wake anyone up for their ticket. Some people are just lucky. That would never work for me, 90% of the time. Well, I wouldn't wake you up if I didn't know you were. Blimey. You've seen that.

Thank you, I think. You know in Tom and Jerry, when the dog outside the kennel's asleep, I mean, you're always going, don't wake it up. That's how I'd be frightened. I'll be honest with you. I mean, this is if I'd obviously knowing you, knowing that you played Romeo, changes everything. But if you were

a stranger, I wouldn't wake you up now. I'd be too busy stealing your wallet. I'm terrifying. Well, you know, you're a big fella. So, back to Lil... Meanwhile,

over at Lil Uzi Lil Uzi not his birth name by the way someone texted in who spotted my Lil Lil E Langtry

joke which I thought I thought had completely slipped my Jenny Hughes says Lil Langtry isn't my age

I choked on my tea laughing went straight past Emily and Alan yeah oh Jenny how little you know me. Well, I was, I just thought, well, some of them do fall on stony ground,

but there were people out in the outfield with their mitts on, like I'd hit what looked like a home run going all the way, and then they plucked it out of there and caught it. I was all over it. Excuse me. You just rejected it. I just rejected it. Okay.

No, I didn't. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. Look, we've all had a drink, okay? Did I tell you, I must have done, about when I was in Melbourne at the Melbourne Festival? An Australian. Yes.

And there was a... I suppose at the time you'd have called it a sort of a freak show. I can't remember what it was called now. But it was a lot of very pierced people and people, heavily tattooed people, etc, etc. Doing various. It was great, actually. It was something like the Jim Rose Roadshow or something like that. Oh, I think it's the Jim Rose Circus.

Yeah, it was great. And there was a bloke in it called The Enigma. And he had had coral implants into his skull so that he could grow horns. The coral continues to grow. So he shaved his head. He'd had his body completely tattooed all over as a jigsaw. So he just had the jigsaw thing.

And as if the horns, you think, go for the horns. You know when they say, look, legs or bossed. Don't put both in the front window. He'd got the jigsaw tattoo and the horns. It's like eyes or lips with makeup that's what they say you can have smoky eye or bold lip that's the clean version of what I was saying so I was I got in at the lift with him and about four other people at this hotel in in Melbourne and this this little kid got in and of course understandably he was staring at the Enigma open mouth and I don't know if he could see the horns

from his angle but he turned to his mum and said he's like a puzzle so that was a fabulous understated review of the Enigma's look Frank Skinner Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio So Lil Uzi Vert who Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, Lil Uzi Vert, who I like to call Love, as an abbreviation. Do you think that's why he's gone for that name? Oh, maybe. Big slide fan. I believe it's because of his rapid rhymes. Okay.

Yes, that's why. Oh, because it's like the automatic weapon, the Uzi. It's a lovely, lovely name. And he's a Satanist, I read. Is he? Yeah, I think he's a Satanist. I never read that about him. Oh, the way Frank tried to sound so casual about it. Well, I get Roman Catholic alerts,

and I believe he is a Satanist, yeah. Also, I think there's talk that the Cyprus Eurovision song this year is an ode to Satanism. It's a bit of a combat there. I just think we're ahead of the trend on this. I remember you heard it here first. We've already had a man with horns on the show.

We've, he did say, little Uzi Vert. I mean, the one thing that I suppose takes maybe 17% of the glamour, the high rolling glamour off this story, is that he's having to pay it off in installments yeah I love him for that I mean what about when the bailiffs come around your house with a claw hammer I worry about like channel fives can't pay we'll take it away exactly that is also my other anxiety

is have you ever done that thing when you fall asleep on a train and you lean with your head against the window he could cut a hole in the window

with his diamond his head could flop out the hole and he could be drawn up by you know the mail bag hook does that still drawn up by, you know, the mailbag hook. Does that still happen? They used to just have like the mail, they used to have a hook that used to just lift up the mail as it went past.

I mean, all sorts. He could be hit by a signal or anything if your head's hanging out. Let's face it, he's a travelling hazard on a train. I think there are dangers to it. And in fact, Frank, I would worry about Al. Say he was in your situation and was a fan of the headlamp, the bedtime headlamp. Because you know Al uses a reading light contraption. He straps it around his head.

Oh, yes. Yes. That's not going to work. I like the fact that Emily says this, as if she's been there. OK, let's keep it discreet. I'm like that. OK, let's keep the party polite.

Vision, when he was killed by, I think it was Ultron, wasn't it, who ripped his gem out. Was it Ultron? I'm a good person to ask about this. I don't know what you're talking about. You know Vision in the Marvel comics? No, I don't. Oh, well, he's got a...

It was a kind of a solar thing, and then it seemed to turn into an infinity stone in the film. Anyway, he's got a stone in his head. But that glows and stuff, as you say. I would want some... if there's some method it could glow that would be great if you got up in the night at my age that would be your first priority i don't want a 24 million dot i want a headlamp terry wogan once gave me an incontinence light terry wogan gave me some flip-flops with lights in the front

for getting up in the night. That's a true story. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Whilst we're in Emo Corner... Yeah.

We've just... Very good. I want to make sure we honour our... Shall we start having Emo Corner? We can play... Who want to make sure we honour our... Shall we start having Emo Corner? We can play. Who would you play for? It'd have to be good Charlotte or one of those, wouldn't it? It's got to be America now, would you say?

Does Alanis Morissette creep in? No, I don't think so. I did not. Nah. Yeah, we'll come up with... Someone will tell us a good Emo. Briefly while we're in Emo corner, Liana in Worcester. Okay.

Hi, Fank. In response to your question on the difference between goth and emo, do you remember last week you asked that? Yes, yes, I've never really established that difference. As someone who was a goth in her 20s, we tended to look on emo kids as baby goths. I hope that helps. Okay, baby goths i hope that helps oh okay baby goths how lovely born with a little black cloak so there's no real difference in the outfit and all that bit of lice

the lice fingerless glove the long leather jacket all that Al, did you see George West from Isleworth, I think, got in touch as well. And he said, for your average garden variety goth, think interview with a vampire. Flouncy blouses, poetry and the like. Emo was a music scene which was like very emotional punk. Hence the fashion that was half punk, half goth and all too emotion. Oh, that's a nice... Who was that? Paul Morley? No, that's good to know.

We don't talk about music enough on here, I always think. I don't know, we've covered Lil Uzi. We have covered Lil Uzi. The other thing about Lil Uzi... It's wide ranging. Can you imagine? There'll be people listening to this who've got piercings and things, earrings. Yeah.

Don't they always get caught and snagged on things? You know what I mean? Collect fluff. A diamond on their head. Imagine sleeping with that, be getting caught on your bedclothes. Oh my, alright. No, that's horrible.

Yeah, I wouldn't like that. You don't want anyone saying that. He's saying in an interview that... Sorry, go on. I was just going to say, people saying to Lil Uzi, that's an elaborate headdress you're wearing. Him saying, no, it's a fitted sheet. I can't, I can't get it out. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text the show

on 81215 many have we'll be reading some out over the next hour I'm sure follow the show on Twitter

and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's pronunciation morning on the show. Do we get to the bottom of forehead? Yes. When I said forehead as a kid, you would have spelt it F-O-R-R-I-D.

Forehead. We used to... Frank, sorry, getting my boys confused. Al, did you ever pronounce it, the word forehead, as opposed to forehead? No, I've always pronounced it forehead, as far as I'm aware. Well, you're quite no-nonsense like that. There's no florid rubbish with you. Although in Yorkshire, quite a lot of people in Yorkshire pronounce it waistcoat. Westcut instead of waistcoat, which I've never really...

Oh, yeah, we used to say Westcote. Oh, that makes me sick. I've never really understood that. You can see Yorkshire, Mike. That was where the lil' might have come from, because they're very happy to chuck a consonant out, aren't they? Oh, yeah. They love a glottal stop, I remember, from English language.

Do they really? Yeah, over wall. It's like a little Lil Uzi Vert I was speaking to Lil Uzi Vert on the subject of Lil Uzi

Vert, I'm with you Frank I wouldn't like to have that much value in my face, I can't take my eye off a taxi meter when I'm in there because it's going up constantly. So I think I'd probably go cross-eyed, just constantly trying to check on the diamond in my forehead.

But I read an interview with him, and apparently he's a really big fan of that game where you put a celebrity's name on your head and stick it there with a piece of paper and he just wants to be able to rest the paper on his... Yeah, but you can't be Anne Diamond in every game. What's the chance of playing that game with Lil Uzi Vert and he's Anne Diamond?

I can't imagine him trying to say, you know, Nick Owen used to work... I told you I played that game with Elton John at his villa in Nice. Oh, this is one of your many stories that sounds like a dream. What's he called that game? No, but it's absolutely true. Have we done this before, the head game? It's a yellow sticky on your head.

So Elton had Bobby... It says a name. He had Bobby Crush on his. It was a sort of a 70s piano player. And mine was Ian Cranky. Not even Jimmy, but Ian Cranky. Yeah, I'd never played the game before. So if I ever play it again, I should always think back to that.

Did Elton guess Bobby Crush? Can you remember? Oh, I can't remember. I wonder if he did. I can't remember. Clearly him and David Furnish have definitely played it before. I'm surprised they hadn't got like a satin stick on ones

that they'd had specially made. Satin? Little Uzi, back to him. I feel a bit Little Uzi as well myself. What did he say? He described it as having a lot of M's in his face. I think M's in that context is millions. I don't really speak

a lot of the hip hop lingo up here in the north of England but I think M's in the face is millions. Something a number of my exes have said to me when I forgot I had control. The nearest I've come to that is having a lot of M&M's in my face. I've done that.

Have you ever been to the M&M's shop? Yeah. Do you remember we went there, Frank? That was quite a depressing day. The thing was with that... I hated it. I've got to be honest now. Some part of me didn't think they'd just sell M&M's.

I don't know why. I couldn't quite believe an enormous shop would just sell M&M's. What did you want to go and say? Excuse me, have you got a copy of Martin Chuzzlewit? Exactly. Do you sell leeks? It's a grocery section with fresh vegetables. Nothing.

It was just M&M's. And, you know, fair play to them. Does what it says on the tin and all that. And also, at the beginning, there's a man on the stairs with a bucket giving us free M&M's. Why the white gloves? Why do they wear white gloves? I think he'd just come back from the UK Coral Snooker Championship.

But, yeah, once you've had a mouth, a sort of fistful of M&Ms, you put your mind in the shop. The whole place was... Rethink it, rethink it, guys. We're doing Pronunciation Pronunciation Saturday, aren't we? We are. Yes.

And breaking news, we've just had 695 text. Hey, Frank, how about how Yanks pronounce root? I guess he means route. Route, yeah. Can you still say Yanks? I don't know. I didn't check. I think they're one of the few groups that you can,

you don't have to worry about what you say. Oh, that's nice. That seems wrong to me. I apologise if I've upset anybody by reading that. Speaking as a man who says advertisement, I feel very closely linked to Americana. Well, my family keep teasing me because we have an internet sort of booster and I keep calling it the router because sometimes it's in one room when my son's using the internet for school and sometimes it's in here when I'm using

the internet for the radio but I keep saying I'm going to move the router and they all keep giggling at me like I'm I'm an absolute fool yeah I don't know which is right I would have been surprised to know that you said router well you just don't know me at all no I mean I don't know you when you're at your leisure you don't know me at all like some terrible break up

I wish we could hear that Al had got a small like a Casio piano and he started playing if you don't know me bad. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sorry, that sort of went into Churchill. I've got a bit of a worry about myself

that I want to share with you guys. Not just how am I going to survive on one radio show a week in lockdown. I mean, a different worry about myself. As you guys know, I used to pride myself on my skill of tiptoeing. Oh, yes. We've discussed this many times. Very, very good at sneaking into the house without waking anyone. Surprisingly good tiptoe.

Well, newsflash, I've lost that skill and i don't know i've got a couple of theories i put on about four or five kilograms of muscle in lockdown one i'm definitely not waking him up on the train and then i read in an article last week that most people apparently on average people put on 7kg in lockdown yeah but not muscle me trying hard to gain weight well it was probably muscle and fat but you know I was

rounding it up to show off and that of course has put extra it's harder work tiptoeing if you're heavier and also I think I think I've been in the house more so and as you remember, I'm sure, my skill in tiptoeing that I picked up from the How To Be A Spy book that I read

when I was about 11 years old. Wasn't it the extremities of the stairs was one of the things? You step on the edge of the stairs rather than in the middle where it creaks. But I think maybe... I've used it myself. Maybe the 90 kilo hunk that I now am,

I think I might have stood on the edges too much and now they're creaking. And I might be better off on the... I think my wear and tear on the house is the problem. I've never thought of that. I'm guessing that you're knocking quite a lot of vases over and stuff like that. I'm knocking them no bulk.

I was sleeping the other day and I ran through the wall just in a dream you see of course the most famous tiptoe was always the secret lemonade drinker oh yes in the 70s

he was a tremendous do you remember him Frank? he was the voice this was an advert for our whites lemonade and it was about a man who got up in the night

to drink our whites lemonade and he used to tiptoe, like how to avoid waking his sleeping family. Yeah. And the song used to be, I'm a secret lemonade drinker, our white. And it was actually a song, the guy wasn't in the act,

but the voice was Elvis Costello's dad. Is that right? Yeah, and it's got a bit of the Elvis, I'm a secret lemonade drink. It's got a bit of the Elvis Costello about it. Like he was after lemonade, getting up in the middle of the night for lemonade. The thing about the midnight,

have you ever got up in the night to get something out the fridge? I don't think I've ever, ever done that. No. Okay. Just thought I was only asking, only to be so dismissive about it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say that my tiptoeing diminishing

I don't think is going gonna negatively affect my future employment I am I am occasionally thinking what can I do now that stand-up is essentially illegal but house burglary wasn't on my list now because of my tiptoeing prowess but it's probably been a tough year for them as well with everyone being in that That's true, yeah. You did lose your fingerprints on the... Good point, on the oven glove. Yeah, so... Not the worst time for burglary. Is there a good time for burglary?

8, 12... No. No, no, no, no. It's never a good time. That's an awful, awful thing. And you can't kill them. Who? The burglars. No, you can't. No. Who? The burglars. No, you can't.

No. Absolutely correct. Not in the UK. No. Okay. Tom has been in touch. What I like is that he's addressed this to the entire gang. Okay.

Frank, Emily, Alan and Sarah and Faye. Oh, how nice. Wow. Yeah. Frank, Emily, Alan and Sarah and Faye. Oh, how nice. Wow. Lovely, yeah. Double re for Alan, lucky thing. Okay. Struggling to let the dog name pun go there but just doesn't work in the normal reading of the text.

Do you understand that, Alan? Dog pun, double re. No. Anyway, ponder. Okay. Frank and Tim Key's book. Do you remember this? Yes, Tim Key a few weeks ago turned up at my house with his, well he had said to me, can I send you my book?

Or do you want my new book? And I said, yeah, definitely. And I thought he was going to post it to me and then he turned up at my house and we stood on the step. I made him coffee which had to sort of well i didn't got someone else to i think it was high he was i called him to make it and i put it on the step and he drank his coffee and we chatted for ages in the cold as it was then and he gave me his book and he said you're like you're in it so of did, you know, I did that thing of looking for me in it first before I read it properly. Can I recommend, I wish I knew the title of it. Not only is it very funny,

but it's a beautiful thing. Objet d'art. Anyway, an objet in dark, as they say in the football world. And I couldn't find me. It's very annoying. Well, Tom can exclusively reveal that you do get a name check. Oh.

Tom says, not holding it against Frank. He's a busy man. On page 21, Key takes a final huge drag on his orange pen. His chest puffs out, his buttons ping off, shattering a framed photo of himself with an arm around Frank Skinner. Oh! Oh, well, that's... Actually, I've just remembered what the book is called.

Go on. It's called He Used used thought as a wife. Lovely. And we should say Tom also asked whatever happened to whatever happened to. Oh, that was Tom, was it? Okay. Well, and Tom's not done yet. Tom has been listening since he was 16. He's an environmental science student at the moment,

which might be interesting to Frank, as he's alluded to not expecting many young listeners and also to an abundance of scientific people being fans of the show over the years We do, I think we had I think someone sent in a remark about my

phosphorus, I threw a bit of science in earlier about I remember phosphorus from school, it was like an orange stick. Yes. Like cinnamon. And you'd take it out of the jar. It looked innocuous.

It looked the thing that you might want to use for a Groucho Marx impression. And suddenly it would start, billowing smoke would come out of it. And if you didn't get back in the water quickly, the school would be smoking embers. I don't mean, that's not sure for embassy, smoking embers. I mean, it would be burnt down. And someone, I think, I don't know if you still have this text at your fingertips, sent in some extra phosphorus information, which I know I'm saying that because I think it's good to leave the audience with a teaser on a break. I have it right here. And can I just say we will be hearing from Chris Sparks, hashtag science.

Chris Sparks telling us about phosphorus at last. Was it nominative determination as burst forth? Just Chris Sparks and Len about phosphorus. At last, what was it? Nominative determination has burst forth. Just Chris Sparks and Lenny Lottery so far. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, we were just about to go to Phosphorus Corner. We were. Chris Sparks. Ah, yeah.

Hashtag science, he has in his in his tweet okay he has news from the world of phosphorus the properties of phosphorus depend on the allotrope of course i mean i'm giving him tone here which he may not have necessarily had when he composed this, but nevertheless. The white form, sometimes called yellow phosphorus, resembles wax. The red and violet forms are non-crystalline solids, while the black allotrope resembles graphite in pencil lead. Of course. She's guided with science!

OK. Well, that's... It's good to know that. She's blinded me with science Okay Well that's It's good to know that But out of that I have remembered that the orange stuff Bursts into flames if you take it out of water That's correct It's confusing though isn't it

Science The fact that it's Is it the white form is coloured yellow or the yellow form is coloured white? Yeah, they should have sorted that out. I mean, come on, science. Give me a break, will you? Yeah, that was, that's, as I said,

I think a lot of the science community for some reason listening to to this show they do yeah they love us the hashtag science crew hashtag science we've seen a better guy we'll get that for a jingle soon hong kong food there's jingles and i mean i look at the the jingle board and there's jingle stuff i haven't used for years i want to try to throw in a bit more okay yeah we've also been we've had talk of glove compartments frank do you remember we were discussing those well we had a texting of um things in your glove compartment that we'd find surprising i had a friend i don't know if i told you this at the time. Oh, congratulations. Yes.

He had an emergency box. He had like a big, or as big as you can get in a glove compartment, Tupperware box. And it had plasters, paracetamol, extra strong mints, a safety pin, all sorts of things that you might possibly... He also kept, I think, one of those wire coat hangers in the days when you could get the window down and get the car open with one.

I mean, it was everything that could possibly go wrong in a car, apart from, obviously, a head-on collision. There is no Tupperware box for that. But what a clever idea it was. And I was eager to know. We have to break now, but when we come back, we'll find out what others have in their GC. I've been looking through my jingles board

for jingles I don't go to very often. How about this one? Oh, come on. What is that? Is that Greek Eurovision Song Contest? It's Eurovision Song Contest. I think it's called Dancing Lasher Tumba, the song. Presumably. And it's something for Duka, something like his name is.

Sounds a bit Dancing Bears, Frank. He was a man all in sort of bakophile suit, I don't know if you remember him. Of course he was. And Boz was doing a homeschooling thing about music and the teacher said, right, we're going to look at some different kinds of music. It was one of those lessons that is like, I didn't prep anything lesson.

And he asked the kid to name things and then there was a two-minute wait where he went on YouTube to find it and then they talked about it. And he played that song and the teacher said, oh, I don't like Eurovision stuff and I thought

come on it's brilliant I find it the most uplifting piece of music I want to do it again it's a bloke it's a comic I think

somewhere like I can't, forgive me. He is with that music. It's in Latvia or somewhere like that. Somewhere in Eastern Europe. And when it went into lockdown and all that happened, he couldn't gig anymore. And he just put a picture on his website of him sitting with a woman he claimed was his mum

in a headscarf with him just sitting on grass somewhere i mean it's funny what were they dancing bears no there were no dancing bears i haven't thought of i don't think there are any eurovision contestant as a fallback plan for me but i'll put it on my list who out of the three of us? Now that Satanism has kicked in as a popular genre in Eurovision. Let's be totally honest here. Okay. Who out of the three of us can you most imagine being a Eurovision Song Contest entrant for any country? Frank.

No, as Frank Skinner, I just mean the look of the man. I love Eurovision still. I mean, they've slightly spoiled it by the semi-final system in that they've taken out some of the more extreme stuff which is the great joy of it but even so me and Kath watch it every year I love it. I can see Frank

as a sort of German crooner I can see him. Do you think so? I'm one of those people I'd like to go on and sing about the world in a white shirt right up to the waist with Diamante on it. And it'd be one of a sort of a pseudo-vague philosophy. And life is like a light that's shining on in the darkness. One of those kind of...

You've already got the melody. There you go. We can use that. We'll transcribe that. Light is shining on. I think that's what it's called. Those songs. And at the end, like, it's a big chorus

and, like, 50 kids all come on and go, And light is shining on. That one, that. Anyway, and then at the end it goes, it goes. Okay, so that's the show's basically done now.

We can't follow that. I can't speak. Thank you so much for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.