The Frank Skinner Show - Gracious Decline

Episode Date: February 8, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had a problem with his teeth and Alun's had an altercation whilst on a trip with Emily. The team also discuss the BAFTA's, antibiotics and we celebrate Alun's Birthday.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Or, guess what, you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There you have it. Even the sound of paper being handed over gives it the authenticity that this show has become famous for.

Yeah. So, um... Happy birthday to our... Oh, yes. ...to our colleague. It's Alan Cochran's birthday today. Mossles, as we call him, behind the scenes. Nobody says that.

Speak for yourself. That's what we call you. That's what we call him Behind the scenes Speak for yourself That's what we call you People love a bit of behind the scenes In a WhatsApp group I don't even know You haven't got WhatsApp have you No I don't Get involved

I read like books You can do both Frank Very few people do. Right. So, um... Very few people have WhatsApp and read books. Yes, I would say that's a tiny... Go on.

Alan accompanied me to the Troy exhibition at the British Museum, of which more later yesterday. You should have. I love Stingray. This is why we didn't ask you. Yeah. What's going on, Troy? Can I say we did ask you?

No, you did. But you did something which hasn't been done to me for a while, which is how the American publicists do it, which is they graciously decline. I did. Oh, did you? Yeah, it was a gracious decline. Look, I'd love to see that exhibition,

but, you know, busy, busy, busy. Did you send back an email with gracious decline or did you say a polite no? Gracious decline wouldn't be a bad name, would it? That's all right, yeah. Well, what was good was the... Maybe a drag act.

I was going to say, it's quite Danny LaRue. Yeah, yeah. Miss gracious decline. Gracious decline. Yeah, go on, write it down if you're listening. You would be draggies. We get a lot. Apparently we get a lot.

I know it's Alan's birthday and he's got some lovely gifts already, hasn't he, from us? What have we given him? Do you want me to speak? Yeah, you. I mean, I think you feel it. I got a new T-shirt.

Because I was going to say some are quite negative about one of them. I got some discount chocolates. You will anyway, Oscar. And I got a... Sorry, Al, can you say that again? You got a T-shirt. I got a T-shirt with a Marcus Aurelius quote on it.

Fair enough. I thought that might be the bit you've got a problem with. No, I love that. And I got a sort of, I suppose it's like a boxing toy that you can play with. I was embarrassed on your behalf. No, it's a bit like hacky sack, but for the fists. Do you want to explain? We maybe should put a picture up on the socials with Al and all the other.

Do you want to explain what it was like, Frank? Well, what's it now? When Al got it, when he put the headband... Because Al strapped his fists up first. I never. Well, you've got your fist straps. Please come with that, yeah. Yeah, so I thought this is going to be a very authentic thing.

And then he put on a headband with a with a piece of elastic and a ball on it and the idea is you have to hit the ball yeah it's a sort of home workout but it's right it's fairly um spartan it's like it's it's it's sort of we for power cuts yes yeah yeah i mean maybe if i saw someone do it it was literally hitting the ball, hitting the ball, hitting the ball, and it was never coming down, it would probably look phenomenally impressive. So when you get to that stage, call me. I will.

Call me. It'll take some working up to it. I look forward to that. Because you couldn't come to Troy Myth and Reality. Yes. I got you a gift from the British Museum. That's unnecessary. I'll pass it over to you.

You've already got the job. You could open it in the break, perhaps, if people don't like rustling. I'll pass it over to you. You've already got the job. You could open it in the break, perhaps, if people don't like rustling. I'll open it in the break. I don't like rustling since I had that bit of trouble with Wyatt Earp back in the 1860s. So, yes, I'll open this during the break and who knows what treasures will unfold.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have opened my present from the British Museum and I can now tell you, I can now reveal that the results for Bradford East are as follows. Harold Wenslop. Liberal Democrat. One thousand. when slop liberal Democrat 1000 so yes it is the Lewis chessman that I've mentioned on this show before which is a chess set found on the Isle of Lewis made of I think walrus tusk yes and it's the night of that from those that chess

set in chocolate yes so it's chocolate chess man but it's a question on appealing sort of prison gray color what I like about it a bit I think it's one of those things that has what I believe they call a sleeve on it like used to get on CDs it's got a cardboard sleeve and I slid it to one side and it said 50% off the British Museum Press it says. What does that mean? It's the chocolate press. It's not a headline story on their

in-house newspaper. I was going to take the 50% off but bear in mind I was with Alan Cockrum when I bought them. Exactly, it's celebratory. And that's fine. It says it by February 20, we're alright. Yeah, exactly. It's celebratory. Yeah. And that's fine. When in Rome. It says eat by February 20. We're all right.

That's fine. Yeah, that's absolutely fine. Well, when I arrived at the exhibition, the first thing Alan did was I said, can you buy me a cappuccino? Did you? Yeah. Wow, it's like taking out Jackie Onassis.

Kind of high maintenance. And Alan said, I'd sorted the tickets. Yeah. And then he said, I'd sorted the tickets. Yeah. And then he said, I said to the barista, can you make it ridiculously expensive? Right. And do you know what Alan said? He said, it already is.

What did the barista say? Nothing, I suppose. I'll tell you what he said. I think he was Italian, wasn't he? And he said, it's London. It's London, come on. That's a good answer. He'd already rinsed me for £2.95

for an Americano with milk that I bought myself when Emily hadn't quite arrived yet. How do you know the prices of things? I don't know. It happened yesterday, and I've been really angry about it since. We'll talk about this later. Yours was £3.2525 since you're wondering.

Well, speaking of February 2020, which is what it says on my chocolates. Yes. I was... That's a worry. Interesting for someone just tuning in. Yeah. Buzz got up.

My son, I have a seven-year-old son, and he got up. He goes to bed at eight. He got up about ten past nine and said, Daddy, Daddy, come here quick. And I thought, oh, my God. I thought it was a spider. That was my first thought. And I went in, and he called me in because he'd just noticed,

I hadn't noticed, that at the date on the radio alarm thing in his room was the 2nd of February 2020, and it was 02-02-2020, so the same forward, it's the same backwards. And that level of excitement at discovering that, that is what I like about kids. Yes. It was real, come on, look at this! Look at this! yeah that is what I like about kids yes it was for your cut cut

look at this we could and I was fairly gobsmacked by it yeah it's like discovering what your calculator writes when you

turn it upside down while we had something rather more blue than that yes well you and those were different remember we discovered

earlier than you probably before swear words a lot of the swear words hadn't been formed when I was at school. No, just a thing. But that was an exciting moment, I must say. Frank, just FYI, we've had our first official missive through addressed to Morning Frank, Emily and Muscles.

Ah, I see. I told you. I told you it was well established. I don't want this nickname to catch on. Emily and Muscles. Ah, I see. I told you. I told you it was well established. I don't want this nickname to catch on. I really don't. Well, it's from Simon, the Cotswold art dealer. Too late. I'm 49 and having recently found a modicum of success

down at the gym, I've changed my name to Hunter. Long-time reader, Simon. Do you remember when we used to... I used to have the deer hunter as a jingle on this show, and every week I found a different context. And one of them was, I think, I wrote to one of the gladiators recently. Do, do, do, do, do.

I have a question. I'm 45 years old today. Big one. Good stuff. Does that mean that I'm now mid-40s or am I at the beginning of late 40s? Over to you, Frank. I'd say one thing's for certain.

That you are. Frank? I'd say one thing's for certain that you are I'd call that mid 40s. I think mid is like 44, 45 46. I agree then it's late. And then 47 48, 49 is late. Okay

So you're fine in mid 40s Then it's time to go to the I have given up shop Yeah exactly. If you're fine. Then it's time to go to the I Have Given Up shop. Yeah, exactly. If you were being very binary. You should have a loyalty card by the time you're 45. Frank, we've had a lot of love for your Garrick show. I know you get embarrassed.

I won't read individual things. I'm not sure he does. Oh, does he not? Well, I tried that. No, that's good. I'm glad people like he does Oh does he not? Well I tried that, now that's good, I'm glad people like it Oh like it? Best natural stand-ups to ever live

Anyway, I did Well no, just to balance that out Someone else said No, restricted view behind a pillar Please stick to stage left so I can see you. Oh, that's a good show. Sorry about that.

I think they are sold as restricted view. Sold out, love. What can you do? There's not much to see. You know, it's me. It's a lot of talking, isn't it? Exactly. It's a lot of talking.

I did a... I like to keep, you know, adding stuff to the show, and I did a joke this week, and I thought, no one will get this, but I just really like it. So I went out and said, oh, God, I was really upset. I put the radio on this one. I wasn't really listening,

and I thought Sportacus had died from LazyTown. Oh, yeah. In order to get this joke, you've got to know that A, Kirk Douglas had died, B, that he played Spartacus, C, that there is a character called Sportacus, and D, a children's TV show called LazyTown. And it actually went, to be fair, I'd say 30% of the audience got it.

Right. So I was very pleased with that. And then a bloke shouted, he's already dead, Sportacus. Yeah. He isn't. Oh, isn't he? No.

He was very ill. No, he's fine. We had an argument. So then we had an argument, because it's Robbie Rotten who died, who's the bad guy in LazyTown. You're right, you're right. I've confused my characters with LazyTown.

Well, exactly. I was saying, mate, you've really made a fool of yourself by getting your LazyTown characters. But town characters but he was very no no he's dead i don't know he look he's not so um i'm hoping i was i'm com i'm confident i was i was right it's it's um robbie rotten um um god bless him has gone um you'd like umacus. I've seen it. No, but him. I mean, the bloke. I think he's a very athletic man. So he and I overlap on the Venn diagram now that my nickname is Muscles.

Well, no, I think you like that. If you look him up, he's a powerhouse of a man. And I think he wrote it as well. Sportacus wrote the whole show. Right, I do like that. I like the muscles and the brain. Yeah. Don't we all do?

I like both, yeah. Genius. Genius. So that was, I was so pleased that 30% of the audience got that joke. Because that is a joke where you think, I'm doing this really, I'm leaping off the diving board, and I haven't even checked if there's any water in the pool and then you know

they rose up and caught me it really does everyone who laughed at that who's listening I mean mucho respect as I think Marcus Aurelius yeah I think so Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

this week This week I developed an enormous lump on the side of my face I mean it was swollen massively and I my tooth was hurting

all my gong was and all that and I was persuaded I think would be the word by my partner my tooth was hurting, all my gong was and all that. And I was persuaded, I think would be the word, by my partner to go to the dentist, persuaded in a, you look terrible, that if it's an infection, it will go into your bone and you'll have to have your jaw removed kind of a way. Right. So I went and the dentist said I'd got an infection

in my root canal. I've got an infection in my root canal. I've got two or three root canals. My gums are, I would say, Venetian. So it was my... But whenever anyone says root canal, I really want to go, root, nutty, root, dread, dread nutty but you can't um and also yeah i had a big plastic thing in my mouth so yeah i couldn't and there were a few things that that have struck me about this

which i'd like to run by you yes i have an idea we might have discussed this before but hey to hell with it did did people ever because the big swollen face reminded me of when you used to see people with a bandage around their head tied at the top in a bow in the Beano and stuff like that so Tom and Jerry were big fans of that as well

with one ice I think they used to have like an ice cube is that the idea that it's got ice in the cheek it's just constriction I that the idea that it's got ice in the cheek? Or rather than there's just constriction. Yeah, I don't know what it's for really. Someone will know.

A rabbit outfit. Now, forensically it reflected reality. So I think sometimes it was just for comic effect to indicate the throbbing. It might have been... Do you see? So you don't think people actually had them you don't get in the bino darling I don't know what I would have gained

from tying a bandage around my face maybe the ice thing would do it well you're meant to put the peas on there aren't you but now can I ask you a technical question because I have to put the peas on there aren't you but now can i ask you a technical uh question because um i uh

i i have left my um antibiotics somewhere so i don't think i'm going to be able to take them for two days oh okay now what what's the situation because someone tells me if you don't complete the course of antibiotics, I think not only do you die, but I think a sailor dies as well. Yeah. I was comparing a gig recently and I asked a woman what she did and she worked on antibiotic resistance. And I said, oh, it's a big problem, isn't it, that people don't finish their course?

And she went, don't get me started because I'll talk about for ages and she was right she did she talked about absolutely age but her big thing was that um it's not that you should finish the course apparently doctors should prescribe stronger for shorter they're doing it wrong a little bit of a civil service civic duty broadcasting but can I go back to the master a couple of days and it's fine she was here she's saying is can you have a few days off the old a beer I mean I think it's really really I mean let's not get into the I think it's really, really, I mean, let's not get into the, I think it's morally corrupt, I think. I get the sense, to not complete your antipathy. I think it is.

I think something... No, but that's your fabulously hair shirt approach to life. No, I think if your child has got something and you don't complete the course, I think they're still contagious and stuff like that, and you send them out there and destroy the lives of others no you've been reading

such too many stories in that pick me up magazine I'm one become so anxious in 2020 about am I doing a bad thing

am I doing oh honestly well I mean I'm tempted to just you know stop teching yeah get on with it throw caution

to the wind yeah I'll put them in there just the wind. Yeah, I'll put them in there. Pull your socks up, lad. I'll put them in a local pond. That'll be fine. Pond! Can I say, I got sent a copy of a thing

called Country Walking magazine. Oh, yeah. Now, if there's one thing I like... It's about cars. Oh, yeah. I remember when you had slightly different specialist interests. Yes, but yesterday when I was young.

So, you know, me and my partner go walking quite a lot in the countryside. We found it was cheaper than couple counselling and more effective. 8, 12, 15. That's actually true. Her sister and her husband said to us, you are happier when you get back from country walking. So we've stuck with that. Great.

I'm not decrying counselling in general. I'm just saying for us, it worked. This has gone... This is a big ghost go. I feel Holly Willoughby should be receiving the other end of this conversation. Don't expect a hug from me. No, that'll be the day.

I think I've already had one this morning. All right. Aye? So they've got this thing, which I just thought I'd run by you. And the idea is that you have to walk 1,000 miles this year. Oh, all right, proclaimers. Yeah, exactly. I wonder right, proclaimers. Yeah, exactly. I wonder if they're involved.

If you're going to have celebrity... What's the word? Endorsement. I was going to say endorphins. I wanted to say endorphins. I don't want celebrity endorphins. They could be fabulous ambassadors because they do mention a thousand, don't they?

Well, they walk 500 and then 500, I think. Yeah, and then they say a thousand. Actually, the Proclamers do the math mid-song. Which doesn't surprise me in their intelligent spectacles. Can I say, I can't think of the Proclamers without Alan Cochran's voice sounding in my ear. I'm going to get into that. Well, there's something else I can't... They should not be judged on that song and Letter to America

because there is so much more to them than that. Well, that's what I hear from the Proclaimers fans. No, but that's all I can think of now. I actually feel bad about listening to those songs. I think I'm doing... I never said do that. I'm doing the dirty now on the Proclaimers and their... When I think of the Proclaimers,

I'm afraid there's something else I think of. But anyway, carry on. Oh. OK. Oh. OK, carry on. Sounds like something that we should discuss off air. I'm not sure about that.

They seem like lovely people. No, they seem like lovely people. OK. And this is a good thing but it's something that was discussed a lot i can't go into it as when i was a girl um as a as a teenager and um women were fans of theirs okay to look at they were lovely to look at yeah lovely to look at wonderful to to know. Anyway. Impressive. Walking 1,000 miles in one year.

Very impressive men, I would describe them as. So I'm going to ask you a question, and I'm going to ask you to give me the answer in three seconds. Oh, I feel sick. Hang on. Right. If you were going to walk 1,000 miles in a year, how much would that be in a day? There.

Alan, you'll have to do this. Aladdin. Too late. I can't do it. 2.74. It's not much. Lovely. I urge all our readers to see if they can walk 1,000 miles this year.

I walk to the theatre. I do six shows a week. I walk to the theatre every day. It a week I walk to the theatre every day It's 3.6 miles from my house Funny the Proclaimers were here Their mental arithmetic is astonishing I played darts with them once That's good

316, before you get too cocky Richard of York has been in touch. Richard of York? Yes. That is his name. Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of yore. I don't know.

And all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean. Oh, just two sugars, Al. To make it frothy at the top. He's got a soliloquy for every text in. Bounds with victorious reeds and bruises. Shall we come back to Richard of York? Yeah. We'll have to.

Yeah, we'll just put that on. All right. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website, apparently. Well, that's the Feist A-ist i had of it you uh revealed earlier i mean as celebrity revelations go it wasn't the the top news story of the week however frank's revelation this week about his personal life was that he uh has stopped he has not completed his antibiotics course his his teeth. It's circumstances but the other thing is as well

is when you're on virulent antibiotics and you mislay them for a bit and then you start thinking oh it's really nice not being on antibiotics. Then I'm sort of thinking I feel it's morally wrong to not complete.

Well, I'm not sure about the morality of it, but we have had some quite sort of, I want to say it's a bit of a ticking off. Richard of York, who I mentioned before our sponsors and music, said, if you stop taking antibiotics early, you risk not getting better. But worse, but worse than not getting better risk increasing the resistance that bug has to the antibiotics, which means next time you catch it, the antibiotics won't work. You really should complete the course. Otherwise, you're contributing to the increasing problem of antibiotic resilient bugs. Richard of York.

See, that's exactly what I felt. But then when I spoke to this woman, she disagreed with that. Well, you know, you get your theories. But I think I've heard this. There's something. I've had it so drummed into me. I once wrote a book about a tour that I went on and the tour manager I spent a lot of time with

got on my nerves at first and then I grew to like him a lot. So I sent, when I gave him a copy of the book, I wrote in the front, regard this like antibiotics, this book. So you don't, you have to complete the course because i thought if he just is outraged at the beginning he'll never he'll never get my turnaround yeah so it's so um he did yeah so it's so entrenched um i think people are quite good

at reading books they're in um i um what about when you did that to David? Yes, I bought David Bodilla a book about alternative comedy and I stole this idea actually from Gore Vidal who said he did it to friends. So next to David's name in the index I wrote hello knowing that he'd go to it immediately. Oh, of course he did. Yeah, he phoned me up and part embarrassed knowing that he'd go to it immediately. Oh, of course he did. Oh, God.

Yeah, he phoned me up and... Part embarrassed, but mainly joyous at the joke, I think. Good. Frank, you know, I went to the Troy exhibition... What about Terry's of York? Isn't that the chocolate orange people? I think so. Oh, yes.

Why are they muscling in on the York action? Yeah, everyone's... Who rattled their game? Everyone's honest to be from York,cling in on the York action? Yeah, if you want to. Who rattled their game? They have to be from York, aren't they? Yeah, couldn't get out for it. Something happened, and I haven't discussed this so far, but I'm afraid

when I went to the Troy exhibition at the British Museum, fabulous by the way. I love Stenray. Still doing it. Keep doing it. Which you must go to, Frank, because you would love it. It's massive, isn't it? It's an incredible exhibition.

How long would you need to go around? 250 artefacts, I'd say. That's very good, off the top of your head. You're good at guesstimating artefacts. It's one of my special skills that is i mean to just just rattle off a figure for artifacts i couldn't i don't think the proclamers could do that their mathematical skills are legendary they could do maths in song and they

wouldn't even yeah of course if they did do it it would would rhyme. I may be wrong. If anyone from the British Museum who's involved with the Troy, is it myth or reality or reality or myth? You're the judge. Okay. They cover both aspects, Frank, you see, which I like. The mythical Troy, your lot, the gods, and then the Heinrich Schliemann excavated Troy. Alan liked that bit more, I think, the practical one.

I must admit, when I first arrived, I thought, hang on, I didn't come to a museum for fiction. Oh, dear. I know, you know what he was... Was there too many arty facts? Yes, exactly. Do you know what he was doing? It was a bit like I pressed the audio commentary button

to have, you have selected the Frankie Howard option. Yeah. Because he was behind me, and I did a nice bust. About an artefact. That's a joke. I haven't ever been to a museum and not done that joke, so I have to do that. What was the other thing? I hope it was, I thought it was going to go

oh no! Retire me Sora. There was a picture in a nice bust. There was a picture, there was a picture, there was a, I think it was some sort of relief sculpture of Eris, the goddess of discord. Oh, yeah. And I heard this northern voice behind me saying,

I've been out with a few of them. I mean, the pensioners on the lanyard with the daunt books bags, they weren't impressed. They were, they loved it. Did you go as far as what's a Greek urn? About 30 bob a week. What about 794? Have you seen this?

794. Chris in Godmanchester. Oh. Godmanchester? That can't be. I think he's calling it. I think it's Godmanchester what's that god yeah um anyway a seven nine four says frank i'm a doctor okay there is new evidence to say you do not need to complete an antibiotic course

shorter courses can be better no No need to feel guilty. Oh, wow. Thanks, Chris. I'm glad that the experts have cleared this up. I mean, we don't know for sure that he's a doctor. He might be a doctor of philosophy and just messing us around. Or nutrition. Yeah.

He might be. Dr Schmockter, I say. He might be yet another new doctor about to emerge in the latest series of Doctor Who. They've already introduced a new one. There's tons of them now, isn't there? Oh, man. I tell you, there could be a whole... He might be one of a different whole set of regenerations.

I mean, this guy. Yeah. What the... Is that some info about him? There's a genie appeared in the room. Oh, dear. that was a... Frank. Yes.

There's no easy way of saying this. Alan had an altercation. I didn't. You did. I didn't really. Well, can we tell Frank and see what he thinks? A Troy myth and reality. Yeah.

Oh, brilliant. What a great place to have an altercation i mean like ancient apollo not since i got chucked out of chess club for fighting talk about the trojan war do you want a chocolate chest he i mean metaphorically i should say he, he dragged this woman. I didn't. I didn't. No, I'm not having that. She was horrible. It was Patroclus all over again.

Well, I'm going to tell you what happened and you decide. Yeah. It was all, I was, it was so cringing. I can't tell you. It wasn't. I mean, we're at trimethal reality for heaven's sake with the Daunt Books people. They don't do this. She did it.

There was, okay. She was one of them. There was a man with... I mean, he was very much the Daunt Books. There was a man... He was lovely, Al, wasn't he? I really admired him because he was talking to his daughter... Yeah.

...who had a blazer on and was being curious about... And he was explaining about... When he was explaining, though, Alan actually brilliant. When he was explaining though, Alan actually said to me, does this remind you of your father? Because he was sort of talking in this quite sweet, I'm sure you know this. He was saying to her at one point, I remember what

he was saying. He said, I'm trying to tell you about the Hittite Empire. Is it Hittite? He said. Hittite. Hittite. Do you say Hittite? Yeah. He said, he was saying, you must examine the connection to Troy. Do you understand what I'm saying? Did you hear what I was telling you? Because the connection is fundamental, the cultural comparison.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And it was very charming. She started crying. I overheard him use the word chronological without any explanation. No, Paul, no explanation. And there was a woman standing next to him and she was a bit less daunt books and more sort of shiny rose gold bag.

I think she was going more to tick it off in the calendar and tell her friends, I've been to this. I sympathise with the dad because I find I am incredibly woke when I talk to Buzz. I do speeches. I've said this before. I gave a big speech about why there is no such thing as a girl's film. In my heart, I don't know if I really believed it,

but I thought, you know, that's not the point. I'm sending, you are the next leg of the relay. Yes, good man. That's the baton I'm going to hand you. Well, he was a lovely chap. And so this woman, she didn't like this. And she started, I heard her going, Okay.

And she said again, And then she said, Honestly, some people have such loud voices. And stormed off. Oh dear. So Alan, I could see he clocked this and thought, Well, I'm on his side. Yeah.

Then, as we moved around the exhibition, we should say there was a bit of what I call atmospheric hubbub that was piped through the speakers. So you might... You know how you have that, like, Museum of London, you're like... Oh, so a bit of battle sounds and stuff. You know, she told him off for reading to his daughter, though.

You are aware that that happened. I know she does, but I'm trying to set up what happened and what your comment was a reference to. There was a bit of that hubbub. I tell you what, why don't we leave

a cliffhanger here? Because what I like is, and I know Al would be happy with me for this, my abs are so tight at the moment in anticipation of this story. I'm going to take

a classic cliffhanger break. Faye, who works on the show, cooks. Is it cooks? Bakes. Bakes, of course. I hope you do not know that. I mean, she might cook as well, but... Oh, yeah, but, you know...

In this anecdote. You know, on a birthday thing, people bring a cake into work. So, Faye actually bakes one. And that's the latest one, which is... What is it? It's carrot cake with orange and cardamom buttercream. Yeah.

Carrot cake with orange and cardamom buttercream yeah carrot cake with orange and cardamom buttercream it's uh it's really very fine it's my favorite baby name ever i mean it's um yeah wasn't that when it's paltrow's in the chair or she was of the celebrity with eccentric baby name yeah it was bob geldof do you Yes, and then it was Gwyneth. I'm not going to condemn celebrities with strange child names. Well, as we've established, strange child names now are things like Susan. Yeah, exactly. Shout out to the Susans and Johns.

People used to say... Give a lot to the 70s. Boz will get bullied at school because of um of uh easter his name have you been in the school in the last 20 years in those mean streets it's sort of like that you know the dadaists used to write poems by throwing words into the air and seeing where they landed it's like that anyway so we were at the brit Museum. Oh, God, we were. And it was regaling you with the alter question.

Well, yeah. So, as I said, there was... The set-up we've got is the very middle-class man with the daunt books. And very tall. Very tall, navy cords. He's telling his daughter about... He's talking to her i'm loving him oh and can i say from from an expert point of view as well because there was a bit where they were looking

at the board where there's all the information and he said actually this uh we thought until the 1980s that it was this and then they discovered this and off the top of his head he was changing some of the info that i mean i don't know if he was quite working to then they discovered this. And off the top of his head, he was changing some of the info. I mean, I don't know if he was quite working to his crowd on this one. He might have been aiming. A Schleman went too low in the excavation. Yes. I think he might have gone too high in the explanation.

I like it, though. But he was wonderful, and he was speaking in a respectful... He was talking in that gallery voice, I thought. But this woman... This woman. This woman. She just kept going... So as I saw him on one exhibit and I saw her behind,

I thought, this isn't going to end well. Add the cockerel into that mix. I haven't seen that. It's going to go sky high. She's going to mix. Okay. It's going to go sky high. She's going to blow. Okay. So all I, this woman suddenly said, you heard the low rumble of the Daunt Books voice

as he's talking to her. Can we say, by the way, that Daunt Books is a very, very nice bookshop. It's just that people who carry the bags, and I carry them myself, are often can lapsed into, as they say, I think in the original

Little Women film, heighty, tighter. Yes, it's very sort of Waitrose loyalty card. Yeah. But he said,

he was talking to his daughter and it was, you know, he was very sweet. He was saying, you can extrapolate a huge body

of information from these, and I suddenly heard, oh, for goodness sake, you can extrapolate a huge body of information from these... And I suddenly heard, oh, for goodness sake! I can't concentrate! Your voice is so loud! Oh dear. So he said, I do apologise. I'm sorry.

Oh. And all I could then hear, it all went silent. Everyone heard this. All you could hear was the low rumble of the atmospheric museum sound effects. Battle sounds. It was a... No one said a word. Everyone had heard this. All you could hear was the low rumble of the atmospheric museum sound effects. Battle sounds. It was like... No one said a word.

Everyone had heard this. It was awful. And all you could hear was, brave Achilles, your actions will echo across centuries. And then, then you hear the sound of Alan Cochran's voice saying...

What did I say? I said something like... We don't want Al to clean it up. Alan Cochran's voice, saying... What did I say? Go on, tell us. We don't want Al to clean it up. He said, Oh, I can't hear anything with that noise. Right. Referring to the sound effects. Okay.

As a scathing rebuke to her. Yes. I'm surprised you can concentrate on anything with that noise going on. Okay. He's saying this to her? Right. She turns round and responds. I mean, at this point, I'm dying.

I'm absolutely dying. Everyone's looking. She says, well, exactly. I can't hear a thing with that noise either. My husband and I were complaining about the gallery noise. She can pick up on the irony. Yeah, yeah. But don't worry, I nipped that in the bud.

OK. You then said... I said, oh, I'm not agreeing with you. It was awful. He didn't say it like that. He said, I'm not agreeing with you. And then she began saying something else. I went, I am not having a conversation with you.

Oh, wow. He said... I'll tell you how you said it in return. Oh, God, here we go. He said, I'm not having this conversation with you. And he stormed off. I don't think I stormed off. He stormed off.

Where did he storm to? Artifacts. He stormed over to, I think there was a nude of Helen. Artifacts were rustling. People were staring. Daunt book bags were shaking. It was, talk about the Greek, talk about Erin the goddess of discord, Eris the goddess of discord.

Yeah, she was there. It's the second most embarrassing ancient Greek thing I've ever heard. The first, can I say, is that we had a producer on this show who wore a sweatshirt with an ancient Greek vase on the front and I'm very fascinated with those sort of black figure um Greek vases and I was looking I said oh that's really like brilliant that thing and of course it was on on that sort of you know chest level the thing and I said oh god sorry I didn't I was just looking at the vase and she said oh no I never even thought for one second and I said no no but I don't And she said, oh, no, I never even thought for one second.

And I said, no, no, but I don't want to be one. And she said, no, no, it never even occurred to me. And about two weeks later, she wore the same sweatshirt, but back to France. No! Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Can I also say, though, in a sort of about this incident... Oh, yeah. ..at Tri-Myth and Reality... The Trojan War 2.0, as I call it. Yeah, is that, you know, there's a famous sort of David Foster Wallace talk. David Foster Wallace, the American writer. And he said he was in a supermarket and there was someone shoving their trolley into the back of him

and a child screaming and somebody getting in his way and they'd moved the things in the supermarket that he was looking for and he said he was able to what he did was he rose up and looked down on the situation and just saw himself as a

character, just one character in this whole crowded scene. And he said, if you do that, you can calm you down because you realise that person shoving the trolley, they're just in a desperate rush. The kid's crying because he hates shopping. And he said that you should not be the star of every scene in your own film. Maybe this woman has got her own agenda.

You know what I mean? Yeah, she was just a horrible person. Oh well, that's the other. That's the other view. You vote. I have to say, I think I might owe Emily an apology because I am quite basic

to go around a gallery or a museum with. I'm not the most sophisticated culture vulture. She loves that, Dash. She loves a bit of Roth. So things... Pretty much, if things are BC, I'm impressed by how old they are. And if they're AD, I feel a bit like,

yeah, well, I've got some stuff that's AD. It was a bit strange, Al. You were coming up to me, and I'm looking at one of the 250, I'm guessing, ballpark, but artefacts, and I'd hear this voice over my shoulder, but he wasn't saying nice, fast, saying, only 500 AD.

Yeah. I said, that's quite old. No, there was one that was really old, and this is where I was a very basic bloke. So you were looking for the oldest stuff. Well, you wouldn't even give Alexander Popes the time of day. Yeah. That massive urn, I think it was like 1,000 BC or something,

and I said to him, that is amazing, that's so old. I said, how dare you? As we walked away from it, I said, we can't even keep wine glasses for six months, and that's still... That is a good point. That is a bit basic. Can I say, I think Samuel Johnson also condemned Pope's Homer as too much Pope and not enough Homer. He did get a mention, Samuel Johnson.

Do you know what, Frank? I took a little picture for you. Oh, thanks. So it was a lovely date. We had a pizza afterwards. Oh, that was good. Oh, nice. And it was a lovely day.

Alan did something rather strange. I'm sad to have missed it, but there you go. Well, you know what Alan said? I'd like to have had a go at that woman as well. I mean, if you'd have been there, I would have actually happily walked. I like to think, you know, happy is the peacemaker. I like to think I could have brought us all together. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sure you would have. When we went for the pizza, Frank, I know we've got to go now. Guess what Alan said? She said, do you have voucher to pay for? Alan said, no. We pay full price. Do you do?

That must have... We pay full price! That must have stuck in your craw. I think I was being controlled by somebody else. I don't know what's happening. They do a great fish and chips at the British Museum canteen. I thought you meant Pizza Express. Just saying, just saying. Lovely, succulent.

It must have been British Museum recommendations. That's right up there. that's right up there we're still receiving messages about your theatre run oh yeah hi Frank and gang my name is Erica

Jamie and I were at your show on Monday night in the front row Jamie had to run to the gents during the encore and then was too

afraid to come back to his seat he wants to apologise for not returning. He watched the rest from the back. Just, I feel like, you know, because I know what it's like. What do they think about it? It pouts me as some sort of ogre. But I know what it's like.

Sometimes somebody could leave and you think, oh, that guy didn't enjoy it. He missed the encore. Yeah, I know. I've probably offended him for the previous hour and a half. I also think, you know, I'm 63. I can do an hour and a half

without having to go to the toilet. And there's young people dashing left, right and centre. You probably didn't drink six turbo shandies before the start of the gig, though, did you? Not last night.

But Jamie might have on a Monday. I just meant a long... Eight lager and blacks or whatever. Lager tops. Yeah, exactly. It's taken me a long time to realise what my superpower is. Oh, yes.

And I've realised I'm supremely continent. Oh, that's... Well, let's record that. We'll play it back to you in 20 years' time. I still think for my age I will be. Yeah. Because some people, they need to go all the time. They arrive places, they go to the loo, they leave, they go to the loo.

I'll go a whole day without it. I think you'll find that's down to your absent-mindedness. You know you always say,'s down to your absent-mindedness. You know you always say, I forgot to have children. I think that's probably a large part of it. My partner, I would say, gets up six times a night

to go to bed. Wow. Really? Wow. I don't know if I should have said that on air, but there it is. It's out there. You know what it is? I think it's just a waste of my valuable time. Sleeping. Yeah. And I don't like to waste time,

and I think, oh, I haven't got time to get to sleep. It can be psychological as well. Yeah. Just before I go on stage, I get like when you take a dog for a walk. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's every lamppost.

Yeah. I'm not literally. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is... Diddle-a-diddle-a. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215.

We haven't had many today, have we? We've had some. OK. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We love to hear from you because you are our friends. Many of them have been about either your live show

or your antibiotics paranoia slash guilt that you thought it was wrong to finish the course. I've got a feeling you'd destroy the planet or something if you don't finish your antibiotics. Yeah, well, we're going to do that in various ways. Okay. Well, I was hoping not to be too big a part of it. Too late.

Can I say... Okay, too late. Two things I'd like to just share with you briefly. Oh, yeah? I ran into Dynamo this week. Kind of a friend of the show. Big fan of yours, Frank. Dynamo?

The magician? Yes. Yes. The man must be in league with the devil. Frank has a somewhat medieval approach to magic. Yeah. As we call it, his metal bird in the sky. Big fan of the ducking stool over there.

He's a watcher language at breakfast radio. No, he's a very lovely man, actually. He's a lovely chap. And a talent. He's very good. I liked it, though. He said to me this week... Didn't he take a coin from behind your ear at any stage?

He didn't do any magic. I can do that a lot. But he said something which I found slightly magical. Oh, so it's a kind of magic. One dream, one soul, one breath. I'm going to have to pay the royalties on that now. Then he said... Is he just listing how many Spanish people he met?

One dream. Go on, carry on. That needs a jingle of sorts, a celebratory jingle. Hold on. What is it that man said about him? This'll do. Best? Congratulations and jubilation. What if I applied that after every gag?

That sounds good. What was it, Al? That man said best stand up alive, which sounded a bit of a threat. Yes. Anyway, quickly, can I tell you what Dynamo said, which I loved. It was just a magical thing.

He said, oh, you know, it was, um, happy wifey, happy lifey. Oh. He's got one of those rhymes. Love that about Dynamo. Yeah. Is he right? He's right.

I like a quote from a Ted Hughes poem when he says that he has a girlfriend like a loaded crossbow. That's the other side of the coin there from Ted Hughes. There's another other side of the coin. Happy wifey. What? Happy wifey, happy lifey.

Happy wifey, happy lifey, Em. I know that in the police, they say, join the force, get a divorce. Do they? Yeah, it's quite a taxing job on the relationships, apparently. You two have come in with the old deep world view. I think he's still with Trudy Stiler, isn't he? Anyway, and also, just FYI, I saw Doctor Who this week. Oh, you saw it? Well, I decided to watch it because you told me you'd...

Did you? Well, Frank had really enjoyed it because there was a new Doctor. Yeah. And I watched that one episode. You watched the one with the new Doctor? Well, I have to be honest, I did struggle a bit because I was loving it. It was brilliant and I loved the new Doctor. And then a great big slimy monster thing went,

So, we have the alien. And I thought, why do you have to ruin it? Not for you, is it? Do you mean... It was just a... Doctor! All those alien things. It came in and it said, perimeter enforced immediately.

And I thought, can't you just... Come on, we were having a nice... You've got to have those in. Otherwise, it's broad church. Well, do you know, I really enjoyed it. Oh, good. And I shut my ears to the perimeter enforcement comments and focused on the relationships, and I absolutely loved it.

Well, it's gone very light that now, I think. It's very human thingy. Sorry about that, Al. Yeah. But, yeah, I wouldn't, I mean, I'm a fan of Doctor. Yeah, you like that bit. Yeah, I wouldn't want to lose that. That, to me, is very cool. It caters for all of us, doesn't it? If you like.

Put some stuff about kettlebells or jujitsu or atheism and I'm all over it as well. You say it caters for all of us, but when I did Doctor did doctor one of the actors said to me well the catering is absolutely I mean I said do you do have you got something like a fresh then some what's the Greek dishes it would have been

quinoa rosaziki what's the the one with aubergines and cheese oh baba ganoush oh no

moussaka he said have you got a fresh moussaka he said nothing he said he did me some awful sausage so it doesn't cater for everyone as it turns out He said, have you got a fresh moussaka? I said, nothing. He said, give me some awful sausage. So it doesn't cater for everyone, as it turns out.

We've had an email from Claire. Earlier on, you were promoting the walking 1,000 miles in a year, weren't you? From Country Walking walking magazine I would really recommend it yes well I think you said everyone and Claire has said dear all please may I be excused from walking a thousand miles for two as justification also I'll come back to the photo also the proclaimers only say they would walk 500 miles technically they didn't walk any miles, which is an excellent point. She then adds, having met them a couple of years ago,

I can confirm they are indeed lovely. And Alan is correct. They have many other brilliant songs. And the photo is of Claire wheelchair racing. So I'm guessing that Claire cannot walk 3,000 miles. You could wheelchair... Is wheelchair a verb? You could wheelchair... Yeah, wheel. I You could wheel... Is wheelchair a verb? You could wheelchair...

Yeah, wheel. I'd like to know is wheelchair a verb. You could wheel... I'm making it one. You could wheelchair 1,000 miles. Would that be really difficult? I think so, but... But if you could...

I mean, you know, the marathoner, absolutely lethal. Yes. So... I mean, this is a bit harsh. It's a good point, Claire. I worked with a wheelchair user when I did a gig in Zurich

recently. We were talking outside and I said, oh, are you waiting for an Uber or something? And he said, no, I'm going to roll home. That was the phrase that he used. I said, oh, is that what you said? He said, yeah. And he used to be into wheelchair basketball or rugby. He said, I'm really fast. Oh, is that what you said? He said, yeah. And he used to be into wheelchair basketball or rugby. He said, I'm really fast.

So, pretty cool. Yeah, it's not all going to be rolling, is it? It's going to be, what about the uphills? That's when you need to... No, I think he was calling it rolling, meaning that's it. Yeah. It's still rolling, isn't it? Up.

Anyway, you're right, Claire, I was non-inclusive on this. But I still think if you did 1,000 miles in a wheelchair, it would be... Awesome. It just means not getting the bus and stuff like that. Yeah. You see more. That's what I think.

What else? BAFTAs have been in the news. It's not all been about my birthday, has it? Oh, I didn't watch that. Did you see more? There's been some BAFTAs have been in the news. It's not all been about my birthday, has it? Oh, I didn't know. Did you see, boys? Oh, I loved the BAFTAs. Tell me, what did you like? What did I like?

Well, I watched with my partner. We put our child to bed. And then I'd watched Doctor Who. Go. But I'm a tart in force. a child to bed and then I'd watched Doctor Who go perimeter in force that's the Jadoon shut up about the perimeter

you've got any other conversation read a book but there's the space police so their whole thing is that kind of jargon perimeters join the force get get a divorce? That's really a bad one. No, someone ripped

its horn off and then they said that is the gravest insult to a Judoon. Yeah, I didn't like that bit. I thought, get over it, mate. It's a horn.

I know they killed a couple of people in the episode of the Judoon, but one of them had had a good innings. He had a good innings. He was an old Jadoon.

Al, can you believe I'm talking about the Jadoon? Not really. I didn't like the ripping the horn off. It didn't seem like a very nice thing to do to a Jadoon. Apparently it's the greatest humiliation. I didn't know that. I can think of worse.

That was a hole in my Jadoon knowledge. Wait till they Google themselves. I watched with my partner, the BAFTAs, so we had a quiet night in together. Nice. And you know what? It was a tremendously bonding evening. Lovely.

We laughed like drains. The first thing we laughed at, I think, which we really cracked up at was Cirque du Soleil what were they on? they accompanied a René Zellweger Judy Garland

song and what I like most of all about Cirque du Soleil is I like circus. I go to circuses, you know. They are so pompous. They always look like, oh, yes, we are the circus.

Circus, we do the art. We do the art in our circus. And consequently are ridiculous, of course. Yes. I said to Kath, God, there's a great deal of foolish people around during that. And she said, hold on, and she went off and wrote it down. And that, coupled with Renny Zellweger, absolutely furious that her song was playing

and people were just watching acrobatics, was brilliant. Oh, Renny, who I've worked with and was lovely. Like the fact he insists on reducing her to an indigestion tablet. I mean, everyone else calls her Rene. His old man says, Old Rennie. She looks like she's got indigestion. She looks like she's just finished. Someone should say, just leave that on the side of the glass, the lemon.

You don't have to eat it. And then at the end of it, having had a song trampled all over, like, you know when performers appear on Strictly and everyone's just watching the dancers? Oh, yeah. And then at the end,

they had a clip of Judy Garland singing. Oh, no. Just absolutely shoot Zenni down. Let's have a look at what you could have won. Zenni, I'm calling it now. Call her Zenny. Zenny would be a good one. So that was great.

I mean, I find, apart from the clowns, I find Cirque du Soleil absolutely hilarious. You were discussing your love of the BAFTAs, but it doesn't feel entirely like you were entering into the spirit of the awards. It was more like you were enjoying the self-indulgence of Cirque du Soleil. Well, I'm not... I don't watch many films, to be honest. I find them quite long.

They are long. They're a commitment, aren't they? I saw The Two Pokes. I like The Two Pokes. 40 years of Doctor Who box sets. Yeah, but they come in chunks. You only have to watch... Bite size, isn't it?

I find I can get away with watching sometimes just seven or eight episodes at a time. Well, I'm on BritBox now, which has got the entire Classic Who series. What's that, then? It's a service on the internet. A streaming service? Oh, right.

Yeah. Did you sign up to it because of Doctor Who? I've got every Classic Who in my pocket now as we speak. Come on! Strange boast. I mean, I've already got them all on DVD and stuff, but even so. Wow. No, so I'm not sure about films, but what i would say is i do like film

awards shows because they are a cavalcade of fools yes what i mean it makes you think being a hollywood star ought there ought to be an organization to look after them because it is a form of mental illness. Like a union or something? They have no sense of what on earth reality is anymore. I mean... I'm glad to hear this. It's an undignified job as you get older, I find, if I'm honest. I mean, there are some wonderful examples out there.

Dion seemed incredibly foolish as well. Well, you say that. Did you see Al Pacino? Oh, I did. I mean... there were some wonderful examples out there. Dion seemed incredibly foolish as well. Well, you say that. Did you see Al Pacino? Oh, I did. I mean... Al Pacino. He fell over. He fell over.

He did fall over. But he had... He had New Balance trainers. He had New... I mean, they were proper JD... He fell over wearing running shoes. He had a proper JD sports sort of trainer. You know, not even like designer trainers.

Not even the Mick Jagger black Reeboks. Yeah, not like Andy Pimp My Crutches circus. Like, he hadn't done anything to them. He just... You know when you see an old bloke go down to the paper shop and they've got, like, suit trousers and that, but they've got trainers because their feet hurt. And an old Navy...

I mean, he looked like he found his clothes... It was very, I found this on the Piccadilly line. I loved him for that, though. But he was, you know, of course he had the dark glasses on. Well, that was why I can't believe that he got that much sympathy for falling over. He's wearing sunglasses at night

and walking up and down carpeted stairs. He's an accident waiting to happen, the man. Also, this hair, I do think he needs to... He looks like Princess Margaret. I mean he might be playing her in a film or something that's why he's got

the trainers on maybe his bandages something like that from where she she burned both her feet he's like Daniel Day-Lewis method acting

exactly he's actually deliberately burned his feet so he can feel what it is to have been Princess Margaret.

He is very much a method actor. He is. I worked with a man who worked in the film industry and worked with... Who danced with the Prince of Wales. Yes. Well, sort of, that's the story, really. He was telling me,

he worked with endless amounts of celebrities and, what I mean mean big stars film stars and he said without doubt it's when you're with those people around and like they get anywhere near the public they go public go crazy he said but i've never seen anything like al pacino gets he seems to be the one that people are about at. Blokes, mainly. Really? Yeah, they're mad for AP. Well, AP, I noticed... I mean, the great thing about being his partner, I believe she's 46,

but because she helped him up, because he's 79, obviously she helped him up, but... I think that's one of the reasons for going out with younger women is to pick you up. Well, I tell you, I suddenly realised

what was in it for her because in all the papers it was saying his young lover. 46, being called a young lover. I'm sorry. Any 79-year-olds listening, hello. It's the most anti-aging thing ever.

What a good idea. Forget the creams. Yeah. Forget's the most anti-aging thing ever. What a good idea. Forget the creams. Yeah. Forget all the pills. Go out with a 79-year-old. Yeah, it's like... In your 40s. Sometimes...

Sorted. The prettiest girl in the class would go out, would hang around with one of the plainer ones just to absolutely hammer it home. Yeah. That they were pretty. So maybe it's a similar thing. I hadn't thought of that.

But you get the life hacks on this show. 47 year olds, off you go. Off you go. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've got 3,000 text messages from older men that want to date Emily.

Oh, lovely. Just kidding. That would be nice. Thanks for that. 79, though. Lovely age. Did you see... There was a lot of emphasis on the sustainable element of the BAFTAs.

And so Kate... Well well I always call her Kate Middleton but she's actually officially isn't she she's the Duchess of Cambridge and she wore a sustainable dress they called it yeah and it was it meant because that's the new fashionable thing just so you know if I ever attend anything sustainable means buying new red carpet clothes is is very detroit it's considered wrong it's tacky it's vulgar it's flashy that's why i stopped yeah yeah oh no no sorry i stopped getting invited i knew there was a reason i'd stop buying well i think that's quite a good sustainable fashion but it can also be summed up as wearing it again can't't it? That's really what it is.

Well, it said sustainable but her dress, I noticed it said she was wearing sustainable fashion. The dress dates back to 2012. I thought, hang on a sec. 2012, mate. Ancient. Exactly. I mean, it's hardly that amphora we saw at Troy Myth or Reality.

I've literally got pants from the last century. What a disgusting thing to say. What is that? I'm just saying a ball, darling. If he was winning an award and he went up and said, the pants I'm wearing tonight are from the previous century, would all this feel...

Yay! Yeah, they would. And he's interviewed Al Gore. My only chance of getting my pants applauded at the BAFTAs would be that. Do you know what's good, though, Frank? Oh, I know what's good. No, but I thought about the sustainable thing. This is great news for Al.

I'm just leaving it there. Oh, yeah, I've got a suit that I bought in T to the K to the M-A-X-X many, many years ago that I still wheel out for the odd awards do. Yeah, I might get out my Planet Hollywood leather varsity jacket. I am definitely going to do it. In the name of sustainability. Yeah. You know what's great, though?

It's very warm. I think it's going to become a real very warm I think it's going to become a real insult is that that's how you throw shade you go wow that looks so

sustainable yeah exactly I think all these things that we're sustaining on about buying cars and plastic bottles

and that are we going to have record unemployment of all the people that work in those industries c'est possible what about the people that make the planet Hollywood jacket what's going to happen record unemployment of all the people that work in those industries? C'est possible. What about the people that make the Planet Hollywood jacket?

What's going to happen to them? You know those amazing women? I watched a documentary once about women who do that, what's it called? Fashion. Very exclusive. Haute couture. Yeah, haute couture. And they were stitching these and it was a really fascinating little tiny workshop

they were in where are they now they're in Paris probably at the ateliers they work at oh okay I got the day off

because Joaquim's wearing the same jacket all the time Joaquim he curtsy wearing the same wacky you'd have to wear

the same wacky consistency is Joaquim in the Joker or is Joaquim in the Woker You'd have to wear the same wacky consistency. Is Jack him in the Joker or is Wack him in the Woka? I've got some thoughts about Wack him. Okay. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, it's Wacken. Yes. Is it? Now, originally, I believe his name was Leaf. Well, originally. Originally Wacken and then Leaf and then back to... No, no, no.

For them apparently changed it to Leaf, did he? No, no, Bob, you're missing the key story here. Go on. Wacken, I repeat, Wacken. Yes. His original surname was Bottom.

That's right. So his name was Wacken Bottom. Now, I'm not condemning, my friends in

the S&M community will know that. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Is that their real surname? So their real

name, yeah. They're not called the Phoenixes, the Phoenix No, that's his

mom's maiden name. The dad was called John Lee Bottom. How? Well, I never... I don't think you could be a major film star if you were called Joaquin Bottom. Not in those kind of films, anyway. I'm sure there are a few with that name, but as you say...

Whereas Joaquin Phoenix sounds kind of easy. It's a brilliant sort of mix himself up. Why did he go leave to Joaquin? Oh, I don't know. The only thing I've said about him many times, and people always look ill at ease when I say, is I honestly believe that my performance as Johnny Cash was better than his.

Yeah? There you go. Just mentioned that. The other thing, show news. Last week, if you remember, we were talking about who is in the sort of sexy man chair, and it used to be Brad Pitt. Did you notice Brad Pitt didn't turn up at the BAFTAs? He was introduced...

I think it was maybe Scarlett Johansson originally introduced him. Scarlett Johansson introduced Margot Robbie. And she said, I'm sorry, Cambia. She said, and I am really sorry. In the way that, you know, it's all right when they say it. And then Margot Robbie got up and said, he likes to thanks the wardrobe person for his tight trousers. I'd like to thank you.

And I thought, it's still him. No wonder Brad didn't show up with all these women objectifying him. He's probably absolutely exhausted. You are so oppressed. I don't know how you walk down the street. I would have thought Joaquin could have thrown that in as well. What did you

think about Joaquin curtsying to, did you hear that? Did he curtsy? He curtsied to harry and harry oh oh sorry we never mentioned harry wow i thought we never mentioned andrew but let's yeah we call harry the artist formerly known as prince now very good no william he curtsied. And I couldn't work out... Oh, me. No, but, Al, I couldn't work out whether that was an act of microaggression, or, do you know what I mean? Or whether he just got it wrong because he's American.

No disrespect. Isn't it a little bit of, like, oh, I'm so on message that I'm not going to shake your hand, I'll do what? I'll do this. No, I think he sees himself as a bit of a rebel, generally. I do, yeah. I mean, I haven't seen Joker yet.

Fabulous movie. I am very excited about seeing it. Oh, isn't it fabulous? I've got the Blu-ray pre-ordered as a birthday gift. Oh, give my love to the 80s. So I'll probably be in love with the whacking bottom this time next week. I like the idea we should call him that forever now.

Oh, well, I mean, it's... I tell you, if he'd have gone into those kind of movies, the idea that he wouldn't have... He would have been one of the few people in the adult film world who could have said, no, that's actually my real name. What? Yeah, it's nothing to do

with my pet or my mum's maiden name. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, if he tried to put together his porn name, he'd probably end up as like Jeff Brown

or something like that. Anyway, that's enough of that. It's nearly nine o'clock. Oh, no, it isn't. It's nearly 11 o'clock. It's how we like. Oh, no, that's night. That's at night. Al Pacino. Oh, no, it's nearly 11 o'clock. So, like... Oh, no, that's night. That's at night.

Al Pacino. So, yeah, exactly. Well, what about when Gillian Anderson got that guy to imagine that the whole audience was naked? Did she? Did you see her? Oh, I had to have her... Kath had to give me a shoulder massage.

I just squirmed so much. I was... I'd hurt my... Do you know, a few of them did fall on stony ground I'm just saying Amelia Clark we've all been there thank you so much

for listening to us this morning and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again we'll be we'll be back again

this time next week now get out!