The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Adrian Chiles

Episode Date: December 12, 2009

Adrian Chiles joins Frank, Emily & Gareth for the 2nd time this year, this time to talk about his new DVD '2 Good 2 Bad'.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio podcast. You can make your own sentence out of that. Get that into, like, fridge magnets and then move it about a bit.

Here we are um the show is done we've wrapped it up in a lovely christmasy wrapping and um i thought it was rather splendid it was good but have we ever sat here and said a bit rough this week i wouldn't bother i mean that would be detrimental not on air we haven't said. Well, there was that one time. Adrian Charles was the guest. He was splendid. And we had what I would call a very helpful phone-in. A phone-in actually for my own practical aid.

Which was good. I did. Don't miss my impression of Adrian Charles. Oh, God. I mean, that was scary. I went to a meeting, no, a party for Radio 4, and David Mitchell was there. Oh, yeah?

So I followed him around perfecting my David Mitchell voice. To his face? No, behind his back. Oh, that's how you operate. Behind his back, yes. No, that's not very good. No, I like it. Have another go.

I'll have to get into it. Hello, I'm David Mitchell at Radio 4 party, and can you take away this man who keeps following me around doing the voice i'm not happy with him i don't know where he's come from and i feel he may be trying to steal my essence it's absolutely fabulous it is i mean john coleshaunt that's what i say um and not for the first i know he's he's very good, John Coleshaw, but he ain't that good. Also, I find when he's offstage, his hair is in the pattern of herringbone.

He has herringbone hair, John Coleshaw, which I've never really understood. He's not a herring, nor is his hair bone. But that's the pattern he's taken on. I think he should get it done and move, see if he can sort of tease it into a dog tooth check. I think we should start the show, dear. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth as usual and our guest today is Adrian Chiles off of the telly. So that's quite exciting.

And he's your friend as well. Well, yeah. And we've got cameras in the studio because they're going to film it. Adrian Hyatt is going to... He doesn't just do the news, Adrian Hyatt. Oh, my God, he does everything. I saw him vacuuming when I got in this morning. Gareth's got hold of the cameras and he's using them for ill. Is he?

Yeah. Usually there was a weird thing open where I was able to focus and direct the webcams. It was a weird thing if you were able to focus. I saw where you were directing it as well, Gareth. I think it was a portal to the fifth dimension, if I'm not mistaken. Is that speaker over Emily's head new? Um, yeah, I don't know. I think it might

be. Hold on, let's have a listen to it. Odder. Okay, that'll be the speaker. So, um, yeah, so, uh, Tiger Woods has, um, he's resigned indefinitely. Not resigned. What's he done? Packed up

indefinitely. Retired. Did he retire indefinitely? I don't know what indefinitely means Not resigned. What's he done? Packed up indefinitely. Retired. Did he retire indefinitely? I don't know what indefinitely means. That means I can come back when I've calmed down a bit. Yeah. Basically. They're going to go on a cruise, him and his wife. That's a good idea.

Oh, that'll sort it out. He should be fine after that. You know what the next thing is? In the middle of the night, his speedboat is going to crash into a boy. And he's charged off the boat, having been smacked in the mouth. Poor old... I feel a bit sorry for Tiger. What? Since when has infidelity got so much stick in the papers?

It does depend how nice the cruise is, in terms of the levels of forgiveness, I think. If you take her somewhere really nice... There's just been hundreds of these women, though. It's not five or six. Yeah, but, you know, isn't it an accepted part of celebrity? Not that I do it myself. Frank Skinner. No, but people have been particularly harsh on Tiger, I think.

I think it's the grand scale. I think it's the numbers. Because he seemed so clean cut, didn't he? He seemed like he was too goody-two-shoes to be true. And then... Because we were talking about how boring he was before. When the crash first happened, we were like... But there was no women.

And then there was like 20... Well, there was one woman. I think they were sleeping in the tree. That was the idea. When he hit the tree, they all fell out. And the wife said, just a minute. That's what's happened there. Well, it's the strangest tale.

It really is the strangest tale. I love you, Tiger. I want to move in with you. No, you can't do that, but there's a treehouse. You can't do that. Yeah. What are those other women in there? You just mind your own business.

Don't get on with their lives. You get on with yours. I had a girlfriend that used to call me Tiger. That's a true story. Really? I don't wish to know your bedroom names i feel like i need to go and wash now well it was only because i've got quite bad stretch marks it wasn't anything uh oh yeah i look like from a distance i look like a slinky if i'm doing uh folding exercises can you do folding exercises only if you do origami very very strenuously i should think oh that laugh that laugh that you heard then was our

producer emma is a very sweet woman who laughs a bit like some dirty old miner from up north it's great fabulous it's like being produced by a pirate. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Saturday morning! I love that.

If there was a Desert Island Jingles, which would be a great programme if you think about it, that would be right up there. Right up there. Next, I think, well, I think my number one would probably be... Oh, God! Adrian Childs joining us.

Why are you playing the deer hunter for Adrian Childs? Apparently, him and Christine Blakely play quite a lot of Russian roulette during the VTs on the show. You know when they show the little films and stuff? They just sit there pointing a gun. I think they do it at each other, just for the clip. I think when you're 20 minutes into the one show,

you don't really care whether you get the bullet or not. Because they were in NAMM together, weren't they, those two? Are you just going to be nasty about our guests that are coming on? Oh, God, do you think you might be listening? I watch the one show on a regular basis, mate. I'm sure I saw a very informative clip about Russian roulette on The One Show. I bet you did. Yeah, it'd be that Gardner woman.

Giles Brandreth, was it? Oh, that would be, God, if he was watching someone play Russian roulette with Giles Brandreth, you'd so, so be involved, wouldn't you? Sorry, someone's filled all the barrels of this gun. Yeah, but yeah, Joel said, how would I really... Oh, that was Joel's brandress there having his head blown off, so...

That's a terrible impression, and you're a Brommy, I can give better impressions. No, butterflies. I had a bit of, I had an anniversary this week. Oh. Thanks, good night. I'm going to, I'm funny, that would have been a great jingle, that. I had an anniversary this week. Oh. Thanks. Good noise. That would have been a great jingle. Can I do a slightly more judgmental noise?

Oh. Yes, I haven't said it yet. It was the 22nd anniversary of my first ever stand-up gig. Oh, wow. So I've been a comic for 22 years. Can you believe that? And it don't seem a day too much. So I was very excited about that.

And in order to celebrate, I went to see a film about Eddie Izzard. I thought I'd go and watch a documentary about a comic who's been more successful than me, just to slightly mar my day. And it was called Believe, right? And I thought, it's great, this. There's lots of, you know, he's obviously very funny, Eddie. And he's had shots of, I'd kind of forgotten he was a transvestite.

Seems to have... He doesn't like to talk about that much anymore, though, does he? Well, since he's grown the goatee, he seems to not do it so much. I think he's worrying he might go into Kenny Everett territory. But I was, you know, I really enjoyed the film. I'd recommend it if anyone's listening. And then I went to the toilet afterwards. And I was feeling very broad-minded, you know, about the whole thing.

And then there was a transvestite at the urinal. And I must admit, I panicked. All the things, you know, I thought, no, I'll be fine with this. I thought, oh, my God. And I wouldn't. I had to stand back and wait for him to finish. So was he hitching up a skirt? Yeah, he was hitching up a skirt, yeah.

And I, you know, he was hitching up a skirt and he was dragging down a tights. Oh, my God. How did things end? Did they end badly? No, no, they ended fine. I just stood by the hand-washing machine crying until he'd finished.

And I felt terrible because I've got nothing against transvestites at all, but a urinal is a very confrontational place, I find. So that was that. And my girlfriend, she arrived at the cinema and said, Oh, fantastic, I've just been really chatted up by this very good-looking young bloke. And I thought, if this was reversed if I said oh god something brilliant just happened I've been chatted up by a

20 year old Russian in the street she's obviously looking for another old man she'd have gone absolutely ballistic so Emily is it alright for a woman to say I've been chatted up but not for a bloke oh of course deal with it I got chatted up but not for a bloke? Oh, of course. Okay. Deal with it. I got chatted up this week.

Oh, don't. No, you're just saying that because you thought, oh God, I'd better claim I've been chatted up. Obviously, don't be ridiculous. Go on then. Yeah, I had some action. I was standing outside a karaoke bar, because that's the way I was rolling this week. Right. And a guy said to me

that he liked my profile. Hmm. Were you holding up a laptop with your Facebook page on it? Just in case anyone was passing. Was he a criminal psychologist? Turns out he was. He liked your profile. I think he was talking about my posterior.

Oh. So my friend came out and she said drunkenly, that seems like a very flimsy basis for a relationship, which I think is good. Yeah, but you wouldn't refer to someone's bum as their profile, would you? Oh, it happens all the time, Frank. Does that mean that Ronnie Corb is keeping a low profile? Absolute Radio.

Guess what? What? It's the X Factor final tonight And can I say That I have a sort of a reverse arc With all of these programmes Is I start really, really liking them But by the time I get to the final I hate them

I think the final is the dolliest part of the whole show Do you? Why? They've got rid of all the sort of The dross? Mentally dubious people and stuff you know there's people all the people have been out of work for 20 years that have been on it you know have been come out of their bedsits and then gone back in forever all those have gone and now there's just some you know quite competent people who hate music and you've got to love joe though

i love that joe yeah we're big joe, aren't we? Yeah, we love him. Not me. If I had to go for one, I'd go for Stace. Yes, you probably would. Because I love the fact that she can do a really dramatic... There's a place for us. And you think that's beautiful. A time... And they say, that was fantastic.

She was... You see, what happens between the singing and that person, that terrible sort of... It looks like... If you can imagine an Afghan hound having some sort of fit, that's what the interview bit's like. It's terrifying. I don't like her very much you don't like any women who are mildly attractive

how dare you say that when you know it's true I kind of think her kind of very low status simpering is a manipulation technique what do you think about that Emily well I don't dislike her can I just say because she's attractive

although obviously that's very irritating and also I'm not against women doing low status simper generally i think that can be the cement that keeps the bricks of a relationship stable i just find the celebration of her stupidity if i may say yes a little bit irritating yeah okay well OK. Well, I have... My girlfriend... I'll keep on about my girlfriend this morning. I always think it's a bit odd when a 52-year-old man says,

my girlfriend, you feel like... A little bit Ronnie Wood. Yeah, exactly. A little bit Ronnie Wood. A little more... Electrina. Is she called Electrina? Her name is Ekaterina.

Ekaterina. But they're not together anymore, anyway. No, exactly. But, no, I think, my girlfriend, rather, she's got the theory that Stacey, when she's off stage, says, well, you know, we're pretty well. I thought the stupid voice was pretty good tonight. That breathing in thing I do.

You know, I thought, I'm getting that really good now. Anyway, so how's the sales going? That's how she sees it. But then again, my dad used to say that the little kid in Different Strokes was a 50-year-old dwarf. So I've always lived with people who are very cynical about everything that happens on television. You're looking at me like, was he a 50-year-old dwarf? Look at me, oh God, he's mentioned the 50-year-old dwarf thing that we in the media are supposed to keep to ourselves i'm terribly sorry if anyone's list yeah so i'm i'm uh i saw an interview with uh with simon cowell and he was very angry because have you seen there's a group there's

an internet group that are trying to get people to download um rage against the machines oh yes i did see that yeah killing in the name of yeah and and they're trying to beat whoever wins uh x factor to number one and i think that is the most brilliant idea it's like it's awesome oh man it's better it's like it's the closest we'll ever get to the russian revolution red flags and people standing in the streets pointing and and he said he thought it was very cynical. Simon Cowell said. And he said they seem to be dissing the X Factor audience, and he didn't like that. Wow.

He can't need that, can he? It's a bit like Satan taking the moral high ground, isn't it? It's exactly that, yeah. I mean, I like simon cole in many ways he's uh i like his honesty and you like his black shredded wheat hair i like his black shredded wheat hair but i don't know why he's sent apart in it why not just let it go up up up and relax anyway in jedwood's no but um anyway so if you're around tomorrow if you download uh killing in the name by uh by uh rage against the machine you could actually stop one of the x factor people from getting to number one and that would be the

best thing i think that's ever happened absolute radio i decided that the people on x factor all hate music it's a it's a show that hates music they don't want to be they don't care they don't sit thinking oh man this song means so much to me they think i want to be famous if you said you could be a model an actor tv presenter or have an affair with tiger woods they'd all happily do it all three of them i'm saying now and susan bob probably did have an affair with tiger woods who knows yeah well tiger you know a variety that's what it's all about with these people. So, where did I put that deer I bought in? See her somewhere. Oh, God.

Hold on. I'll just have a... We need to think very carefully before letting Frank load a jingle into the machine. Okay, then. Let's start out the way. I'm looking for... I'm looking to learn. Are you? Yes. I believe, and, I'm looking to learn. Are you?

Yes. I believe, and this was a friend of mine, Tracy McLeod, said to me a few years back, you should always be having lessons in something. And I thought, that's a brilliant idea. I've had lessons in everything you could think of. I've had... What sort of thing? Horse riding, salsa, ice skating, drawing, singing, French, German.

Drawing? How old are you, seven? Yeah, well, it weren't just like sticks. Oh, OK. No, it was proper drawing. Do you know what I've noticed? Your accent's gone much more Brummie now that Adrian Charles has walked in the building. Is he in the building? I don't know, but I'm assuming it's because your accent's gone Brummie.

Is it really? Yeah. Oh, dear, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, let's look at the Brummometer okay yeah i'll just speak i'll just speak and says what happened um your quarter note takes day time yes it's right it's gone off the scale it's just exploded it's somebody a friend of mine uh got a job um working working in a factory near me and he he wasn't from the area and he made a cup of tea at 11 o'clock, and the bloke said, you're calling out tea, it's your day-tay time.

What's that? It means you can't have any tea, because it isn't tea time. I can say something in Birmingham. Go on, then. Albignar. That's absolutely brilliant. Albignar. What Emily actually said when we went to Birmingham was,

oh, get all these people away from me. I did not. That's true, but she said it with a slight accent. Anyway, so your lessons? So, yeah, so I'm looking for somewhere else to have lessons in, basically. Somebody suggested skiing, but I think if you go skiing, don't you then, after you've skied, you have to hang around with some of the most terrible people on the planet?

And I don't know if I could cope with that. Yeah, I don't think that's right for you. No you see what you ski no you surprise me why because I look like one of the most terrible people on the planet thanks Frank um well I wouldn't say you look like one you're in a terrible mess I'm not going to help you out either okay no I just I imagine that you are someone skis a manservant skis and carries you in his arms And you just buy the clothes I learnt to do something quite recently Oh God Can I remind you that it's 8.36 in the morning This is a very nice story

I never learnt how to ride a bike Because my parents Really? No I can't ride a bike either Well you see my parents It was because my parents were a bit bohemian And they just spent all their time smoking And telling anecdotes about John Gilgud It was because my parents were a bit bohemian and they just spent all their time smoking and telling anecdotes about John Gielgud.

It was because my parents couldn't afford a bike. Oh, Frank. I don't know what to say now. So... Go on. So I decided to learn. So I had lessons. Recently?

Yeah, about five years ago. I did have to go to this park in Stoke Newington. And while the man was... Wasn't there room for your profile in a smaller area but there's been a hell of a saddle you had there as the man was teaching me there were all these kids going oh my god look at that old woman she's got stabilizers oh did they really embarrassing that was before you got on the bike that was just for your behind because it drags it can drag on a path. I've noticed. I've seen that.

So, yeah, I'm so proud of myself. So I learned. So I'm a really good bike rider. Well, I can't ride a bike. I can't swim. I can't ice skate. I can't roller skate. I can't. I just can't.

Right. I once had the idea of doing a TV programme called Frank Skinner Can't, in which every week I tried to learn all the things I can't do, but it would have been too long a series. So, look, what should I have lessons in? Somewhat unusual, I'd like.

I've considered Morris dancing. Right. Are you leaving? What about drumming? Oh, is she going to be stupid about it? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know what we need, do we?

I think we need an Ethan update. I wonder if people are sitting at home thinking, that's the alarm. Must be the alarm going. So, yes, Ethan, in case you don't know, is Garrett's baby. How old is he now? He's six months.

Is he really? Six months on the 11th. He's really pretty as well. I saw some recent photos of him. I'm so relieved he's good looking. He would be. He's got good looking parents, to be fair. Yeah, but it's horrible when people have ugly babies.

You never know what to say, do you? No, we're really... I say nothing. I just look and go, hmm. I find they're fine with that. Sorry. We're really pleased with him. He's really good.

Well, if you weren't pleased with him, what would you do? I don't know. Would you tie him on waste ground near an alley road, like they do with dogs? Get old. Anyway, yes, so what's the update? Well, I had a very excited message left on my phone yesterday from Laura, and Ethan rolled over for the first time.

He rolled over from one side to the that mean what he did a 360 degree revolution he did a three-point turn he rolled oh don't they do that from the start no no they they no they have to learn to do everything bit by bit well they have to learn to roll over yeah so if you lay a baby in a cot on its left-hand side and went away, say, for a week... Yeah, you're not supposed to put it on one side. No, not for a week, but say for two... You don't put it on one side. No, they go on their back nowadays. They always used to say put them on their front, and now they say put them on their back.

OK, but they wouldn't be able to roll over, whatever you put them on. No. Until they left to roll over. I never knew that. When did they start walking? Oh, about seven. Don't ask me, I don't know any labels. I never knew that. When did they start walking? Oh, about seven. Don't ask me. I don't know any labels.

Later on. Yeah. But I can't believe they don't roll over. Maybe there's a scope. If I phone Mothercare and said I've come up with a baby rotisserie, which just goes up the back of the cardigan, up the back of the romper suit and then slowly turns

stop them getting, you know you know when you microwave a jacket potato and if you do it a bit too long the bottom bit forms like a hard base I imagine if a baby's in a cot for too long the bottom bit will kind of start to solidify where if a rotisserie steadily took him round by the romper suit that'd be absolutely fine.

No, they let you know if they're not happy. If they start to form a callus on their underside, they would let you know about it and tell you to. But it's good because for a while you can use them as... It's kind of a bit GMT, isn't it? Yeah, it has a little. Sorry? It's good for a while because you can sort of use them

as a paperweight or something until they start rolling. He can strike matches on the bed saw. Absolute Radio. Adrian Hyatt's filming us. I know. Don't mention it. He's doing, um, absolutely doing a big documentary about me. I got in after the Eddie Izzard documentary

I went to on, uh, Wednesday or whatever it was. I came round to Absolute and burst into tears. It was a big scene. The head of Absolute said, oh, look, we can make a documentary about you. I said, would you? And he said yes. And so Adrian's

in with a camcorder. So they're giving you a one-person crew. Yeah, but, you know, this is just the beginning. This will be like that kind of rough, grainy sort of bit. It's very real. Very reportage. It's very reportage. It's very reportage. I'm confident about that.

And, yes, by the way, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio in case you think you've actually tuned in to your neighbour's house. What time is it? What time is it? I'll tell you exactly what time it is. We're doing a radio show. We don't have time for your... And 42 seconds.

Yeah, we're doing a proper radio show. Time check-in. That's how you know it's live. I might even thank Neil Francis. Live, live, live! Yeah, Neil Francis, thanks for that great show this morning. That's what you're supposed to do, thank the previous DJ. You're probably not supposed to give it an hour and ten before you do it. Here we are on Saturday morning.

Yeah, it's all OK. We've established that we're live, I think. I don't think anyone thinks, oh, I bet this is recorded. it's all okay. We've established that we're live, I think. I don't think anyone thinks, oh, I bet this is recorded. It's so smooth. So, you're off to the Comedy Awards tonight. Yes, I am, and what of it? Can I point out, there's two comedians in this room. They aren't going, and you, some sort of

camp follower, if I may say. Not all that camp, but you know what I mean. I am going. Yes, I am going. I don't go if I'm not nominated. That's my rule. Oh, well then you won't be going then. I haven't been since 84. But I've still got my speech just in case I'd won. But I don't think I'll be able to do the minus strike if I do win one later on.

My preparations have started already. I brought my hair in. It's looking good. I saw your hair. Yeah, it's in a bag. I don't like people who arrive with their hair in a bag. There's something wrong about that. It's under the table. It's going to look great.

It's a bit Cheryl Cole. Yeah, it is very Cheryl Cole. I've got the nails. I've got the boob tape. I've got everything. Oh, just a minute. Yes, you're allowed to say boob. It's fine.

Is that what Adrian's making? What is boob tape? Is that like that black and yellow stripy stuff to keep no it's by away from you i'm not a crime area okay people aren't saying nothing to see you it's uh it's to stop you popping out oh yeah where's the fun in that i don't like the sound of your tape and i've got my dress and my dress is designed by the same person who's doing Stacey's costumes on X Factor. Oh.

Yeah. What is it, a tack shop? I was at the Comedy Awards once when Dame Thora Heard won a Lifetime Achievement Award. And she was very old at the time, very old, and by God, she looked it. And she came up in a wheelchair. you can imagine how long it took you know that it wasn't wheelchair friendly at all but this she steadily wheeled herself down the thing and we gave her a big stand innovation and i thought it's a stand innovation appropriate seems to be robbing it in really it's as if we were saying okay you can act but can you do this? And I wasn't happy about it.

I think my favourite ever, probably my most embarrassing, but also my favourite ever, I was at the MTV Awards and Ava Hertzigova, at the time of the Wonderbra adverts, she got up to award Best Newcomers, right? And she had this very low-cut dress on. I couldn't breathe. And she didn't say a word, didn't do any speech. She just opened the envelope and went,

Smashing pumpkins. And I said, Here, here. And people just stared at me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Adrian Childs is in the room. Can you imagine?

He came in earlier, but we sent him out again. He came in earlier because it was cold. Can you believe that? I just thought I'd come in and take part and sit around as we're friends, but then you just sent me away. I wouldn't have been in any trouble. If I was on The One Show and I walked in in the middle of John's brandreth, you'd send me out with a flea in my ear.

As long as you pipe down, you could hang around, sit there, be fine. You would not let me sit. I'm going to do it next. Should I ever be asked back? You can just show up any time you want. Okay, sit there, be fine. You would not let me sit, I'm going to do it next, should I ever be asked back? You could just show up any time you want. Okay, even if I'm not a guest. Even if you're not a guest, you are always welcome.

Well, I was going to ask you about this new series you've got coming out, but your PR bloke is in here, so we can't even mention it, but I just mention it vaguely to say. He's got his hand up the back of my hooded top at the moment, he's just operating me, saying what I can and can't say. I think it's good if you've got all this stuff happening. It makes you sound like a bloke who's on top of your game.

But we won't mention it. But what we will mention, Adrian Childs, is your new DVD. Why don't you tell us about it? Well, we do this thing at the end of Match of the Day 2 called Too Good, Too Bad, which often seems to me is the only reason anybody watches Match of the Day 2 called Too Good Too Bad, which it often seems to me is the only reason anybody watches Match of the Day 2. It's just all the kind of funny bits really that's happened over the

weekend's football. Can I do a slightly late interruption on that? I really like Match of the Day 2. It's much better than Match of the Day 1. I couldn't possibly comment on that. Because Match of the Day 1, the games are too long. I'm happy to just see the goals and the odd fight. It's all than Match of the Day 1. I couldn't possibly comment on that. Yeah, because Match of the Day 1, the games are too long. I'm happy to just see the goals and the odd fight.

It's all I want. Well, that's what we can deliver on Match of the Day 2, because we haven't got to get eight or nine games away with the four highlights. But this too-good-too-bad thing just seems to have captured people's imagination. I'm always walking past fried chicken shops at half eleven at night. I've heard that. There's a load of... I heard you're just waiting for scraps.

I have done a bit of that actually in my time. And these youths, these rascals look at me as they want to rob me and then they see me and they recognise me and they go, oh, too good, too bad, man. Have a leg of chicken. You know, I get... Is that really, that's the thing they call that? Absolutely. Every time. Too good, too bad. Every time. It's like that because... I get maximum, I think what they know is respect from them. It makes me feel young again. So we sit around talking about obscure clips of various footballers

and they seem to like that. So we thought we'd do a DVD of it, because it wasn't that easy because of the Premier League, we couldn't get the rights and stuff. So we did a World Cup one, so going back to 66, although the poor lad who had to do the research on it, he had a nervous

breakdown in the end, because there are so there are so few shots of the crowd from that time now, there are 20 cameras in every ground, and sort of half bored cameramen and women just amusing themselves, picking shots out of the crowd. You didn't get shots of fat people

in the crowd picking their noses in 1974. There were no fat people there. Those were lean years in many ways. I think you're probably right. It's amazing what we have managed to dig up. It's out at the moment. It is out at the moment.

It's in the direct head-to-head with my own football clips. Gareth's already given one to his dad. Yeah. He got it free, though. A free promotional copy. Is it even in the correct packaging? No, that was very poor. It was signed. It was a collector's edition. Oh, that's true.

Now, my DVD, Cornucopia, which is the funniest corners of 2008, 2009 season. And it's gone so well, we're already working on... That would be awesome. Yeah, we're working on short Cornucopia, which is the best short corners. Can you do a West Brom one called Incompetent Cornucopia? We don't take or defend them very well.

Well, I'm negotiating for Run It Into The Cornucopia, which is great time-waster. But we can only get the Carling Cobb at the moment. So it's not just you, though, is it? You have help. You have expert help on the DVD. It's not a lot of things I do. You try and give it the big sell. All it is is me and Lee Dixon sitting around... Oh, I like him.

Yeah, looking at clips of... Looking at clips of... Football. ..obscure clips of football and crowds and people with funny things on their heads. But we amused ourselves no end doing it. But for most people, that would be their dream night in, sitting in with you and Lee Dixon watching football clips. Oh, I don't know about that. No, that really is true, honestly. We were in Vienna with Lee Dixon once, you'll remember this,

and he explained to me basically George Graham's tactics at Arsenal with like two beer bottles and an ashtray and stuff like that on the table. And six glasses. Yeah. So we had, yeah, there were four Viennese beer glasses representing the Arsenal

title winning back four, wasn't it? Exactly. So this is Steve Boll, this is Tony Adams, here's Winterburn. And I think we had a pork scratch in us, David Seymour. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, with Adrian Chiles in the studio, plugging his DVD like there's no tomorrow.

I find it very difficult to big myself up, and I gave the PR a heart attack by saying some stuff about the Dons. He's always all right. It's nothing special. Well, I do quite like him, but I don't think it's for me to say, really. Well, I'm quite excited by the idea, genuinely, of watching Lee Dixon analyse the six best World Cup goals of all time. He picked six great goals,

and then all you ever hear said about the goals, what a strike, what a pass, what play. But in fact, he just, he analysed it from the point of view of the defending being terrible. And so you see it through the other end of the telescope, really. It's really quite fascinating. The best, the simplest example to explain is the Jeff Hurst think it's all over goal.

Yeah. Next time you see that, and it'll be replayed about 5 million times before we get to South Africa. But there's one, Geoff Hurst running through with the ball, and then over on the right, there's another England attacker, and in between them, there is the German full-back. Now, the German full-back has been programmed to mark the other guy, right? But he's got Geoff Hurst running towards him. He's in trouble, because he's marking two players, but instead, you know, he really ought to go to Jeff Hurst and try and stop him getting the ball.

Instead, he just literally runs the other way. He runs away from Jeff Hurst, clearing his way to goal, and says, well, I'm marking my man. He's my responsibility over there. If Jeff Hurst scores, that's somebody else's problem. It wasn't my fault. My theory is that the German bloke thought it was all up. That's why you went.

That is the other possibility. But also Maradona's second goal in 1986. When he beats about eight England defenders. Oh, even I know that. Yeah. But if you look at the defending it's around some very half-hearted challenges. I've always thought that though. But I mean Lee Dixon, I'd like to see him. So all

these great goals, he's basically saying, oh well I could have scored that because the defending's wrong. He's saying it with his tongue firmly in his cheek, I've got to say. Well, that's going to sound like Jamie Oliver. So are you aware of the John Coleshaw impression of you? Yeah. What do you think? Well, again, it's not for me to say,

but I think the mannerisms are quite good, but he just struggles with the voice. He sounds more like Enoch. When he first started doing it, he sounded more like Enoch Powell. And it's strange, because on that show, I think he does Michael McIntyre brilliantly. He says, the Eamon Holmes is superb. The Ross Kemp is superb. And then he just struggles with me.

Maybe he should just do Enoch Powell. I suppose it's not such a topical character. I thought it was humiliating about that. They rang up and said, look, we're doing it. Can we use the studio? And I went, oh, I don't mind. Whatever. I said, the make-up woman had come and the make-up and disguise woman. What do you call it? Not disguise. Disguise?

What do you call it? The people who put the hair on. What, you spy or something? Costume. Costume? Yeah. I'm worried that you see that generally as disguise. But anyway, she said, can we come and have a look at you? So I just sat there grumpily on my computer. Well, she got about ten different swatches of hair, all varying shades of grey, and matched them to my hair.

I said, there must be one at least that's not totally grey. But they were all grey. I have grey hair. That was the moment I knew I had grey hair. And this is for John Coulshaw's benefit. So you actually allowed yourself to be a research item. Yeah, yeah. You can't get the hump over that, can you? I can do an impression of Adrian.

Oh, go on. Let's hear it. Oh, I can't do it. I have to get myself in his head. No, too high. Too high so far. Laugh's wrong. All right, Frank. You're coming down the obvious. No, that's rubbish. Now there's people I'm thinking, oh, hold on, was that the impression or was that actually how to speak?

Exactly. I can do an impression. Oh, go on. Like the Roman I seem to see. Has Enoch Powell! The river Tiber foaming with... What? Oh, sorry, I've got that same John Coleshaw problem. I keep doing Enoch Powell. That's such a letdown.

No, Alistair McGowan used to do me and I thought, what they do for the likes of us, they just do a sort of Bromley accent. A kind Bromley accent. Well, yeah. That's how you speak, guys. We've both got strange accents. There's nobody in...

There's very few people in Birmingham or the Black Country that speak like me and you certainly speak like me, I don't think. Because I'm from Hagley, so I've got impeccable middle-class credentials on the choir. Is your voice posh, then? I wouldn't say... No, it's not posh, but I'm not... This is where we come from. Yeah, he's a sort of Hooray Henry.

You don't hear that Hooray Henry much anymore. Whatever happened to them? They were sort of retired, weren't they? You do when you're with me. No, do you? Yeah, I think a lot of French people shouted it recently. Absolute! Radio. So have you got another...

You did a fantastic bicycle ride with Alan Shearer, a sort of endurance thing. Are you going to do something else? Because I find that once people start doing these big testing things, they get stuck on it. Yeah, I wanted to do something this year, but I wanted to do some mad endurance thing, but it didn't fit in with their plans this time,

so I've got to do something on the night. Just do it on your own. Well, no, I've got to... That's always been my ambition. Frank, why don't you do it with Adrian? No, I like... Because he's fitter than me, aren't you? No, there's nothing left to do anymore.

That's the problem. I mean, in terms of ultra running, you can never beat Eddie Izzard now. That's done. I want to swim the channel. David Walliams has done that. Yeah. And then James Cracknell.

I mean, he has literally rode the Atlantic. He's road-cycled and swum from here to... Don't get bitter. Don't get bitter. But there is nothing left of it. No-one's done this. Why don't you see how far down you can dig? I like the sound of that.

How far you can dig down. Maybe as a sort of... If you could get a cold, it's anniversary. Who's done that? Yes, that's not a bad idea. He is going to do it now. You'd hit rock. Adrian Charles, Australia or boss.

But if you could dig straight down, do you get to the lava at the middle of the earth? I think you'll have to pass the call. You will have to pass the call, but just take some away for the call. Which celebrity, which sportsman would you take? Someone like Kevin Keegan or something. I'm just trying to think who's got very long nails.

Maybe someone with big hands. You'd be better off taking... Tony Butcher. Take a greyhound. Some world champion greyhound. Have someone holding a bone in Australia. And off we go, that'll be fine. You must be overdue for a book as well now.

You haven't written a book for nearly a year. Adrian Charles' Journey to the Centre of the Earth. And beyond. Journey via the centre of the earth. Yeah. I'm not doing other books, that's correct. I'm amazed there hasn't been a sort of one show. You know in the humour section and you get those books that are like spin-offs.

I'm amazed there isn't a one show at one. A one show annual. Yeah. I don't know, maybe next year. Write it down. All right, I'll make a note. I think it's a good idea. So I'm asking people to text in about, I want to do lessons in something new, right.

Now, if you were going to do lessons in something now, what do you think you'd go for? Is there anything you've always thought, I'd love to learn that? Yeah, I've always wanted to, I'd love to be able to speak French, actually. I know that's a very, very boring answer. I like to do that. But I'm like you, I'm always doing, I learnt to windsurf a couple of years ago. But then I haven't been back, I don't know why, because I really loved it. It was a great stress reliever, so I enjoyed doing that. And there was something recently I thought I'd like to

do. Yeah, I've lost my fear of heights and flying. I just suddenly thought I might do parachuting, like paragliding. Goodness. I've got a place in Wales. I wouldn't mind just... I just suddenly thought it'd be nice to jump off this hill now. Yeah, what I'm getting around to is would you like to come Morris dancing with me? Oh, absolutely, no problem.

I'll come Morris dancing, no problem. I think we'd have a great time. I like the costume, I like the bells. It's something very traditional. We could go on tour, we could go... I'm always going to Croatia and looking at there, because my mum's Croatian, there to a traditional dance. I'm going to retaliate with a bit of traditional British dancing.

We can get a maypole, that collapsible one that you can get on the... We can get a maypole from the Exchange of Mark. Yeah. Telescopic. Adrian... And we've got until May, haven't we? Adrian. That's what I'm nice about.

You've got a deadline with the Morris dancing. End of the football season, isn't it? That would be great. Yeah, maybe me and you could do pre-FA Cup finals. Also, every England game at the World Cup. Yeah, I honestly think you're doing it. I'm serious. Would you come?

I would. I honestly, though, I'm honestly thinking of doing it. I'm serious. Would you come? I would. I would. I took a girlfriend to one of my first Passmore driving tests at some country pub in Shropshire. And all these Morris dancers were...

I was very insecure about her and everything. There was some Morris dancing going on outside the back of the pub. And all these men were sort of looking at her. And they all started dancing around. It became quite nightmarish, actually. Like straw dogs. It's a fertility dance, isn't it? So they were showing up there.

Yes, it was. It must be very insecure if you thought you were going to let your girlfriend to Morris dance. So I think we're set there. So Frank Skinner and Agent Charles Morris dance to the centre of the earth. OK.

If you put Morris dancing lessons into Google, does anything come up? Yeah, I've done it. The best place is Cecil Sharp House in Primrose Hill. Anyway, we have to... That's the end. It's been lovely having you on. And what's the DVD called again?

Too Good Too Bad. Don't ask the PR bloke. I've seen it and it's brilliant. So there. Actually, I haven't seen it. I said that and I can't go through with it.. I've seen it and it's brilliant. So there. Actually, I haven't seen it. I said that and I can't go through with it. But I've heard it's brilliant. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had a couple of texts in with suggestions. Well, don't sound so surprised. With suggestions for lessons you can take. Someone here suggested, why not try learning ironmongery? You can do evening classes, different nails, doorknobs, etc. I like different nails, doorknobs, etc. Could I have one of those shops with the very, very busy windows with, like, ten million things in the windows?

I love those shops. There's one just round the corner from here. And Andre, if that's Peter Andre. Do you remember that old joke, Mangus into an Ironmonger, he says, have you got six inch nails? He says, yes, you can just get my back. Just put a shoulder blade there. I will have later tonight for the Comedy Awards. Indeed.

Andre says, I could give you welding lessons. So there you go. I like that as well. I like the mask. I like the idea that I could get perhaps extra work this weather from any brass monkeys I know and when you're around the house and you think how am I going to join these two pieces of metal together

I often think that you see, the needles I've broken trying to sew two sheets of aluminium together, I can't tell you I see you as an honest son of toil. I think that'll be good for you. Yes.

My dad was called toil. He wasn't. I made that up just for some sort of stupid pun. I regret it, but there it's gone. We can always take it out of the podcast. Phil says, Frank, try wargaming. It involves research, painting soldiers and playing with them. No.

We've got our works outing this week. I know, I was excited. We're going to the Ivy, are we? No, we're going to Pantomime in Milton Keynes. Ah. No, before you turn up your nose, can I say, that's very dangerous, if it rains, you could choke.

If Mickey Rooney is on. Now, Mickey Rooney is the last of the great Hollywood legends. He's 89. What a Christmas works outing. No, it'll be brilliant now. 89, I mean, it's Thursday, it's still touch and go. It's Milton Keynes. It's Milton Keynes, he's on as well, he's very good.

Oh, actually, yes, this is Cinderella, isn't it? Because Bobby Davro's in this. Well, I mean, if there's going to be Davrovian activity, I'll be there. But I'm just going to, every time Mickey Rooney comes on, I'm going to go, Rudy! Rudy! Oh, you're not. I'm so excited about seeing him, I can't tell you. And Mickey Rooney's understudy's going to be Derek Okora, Oh, you're not. Rudy! Oh, you're not. I'm so excited about seeing him, I can't tell you.

Mickey Rooney's understudy's going to be Derek Okora. So if he can't make it, he can still appear. Oh, that's so unkind, but funny. Like so many things. I can't make it, though. Yeah, funny that when you found out it was Panto and Milton Keynes. When it was the Ivy, you were available. Anyway, so good day to you.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.