The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Alex Horne

Episode Date: January 30, 2010

It was a show of awards ceremonies, birthday parties and catchphrases, plus Alex Horne popped in to have a chat about his new tour 'Wordwatching'.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hello, it's the Frank Skinner Absolute Podcast thing. And here we are in the studio, obviously.

Otherwise, what would be the point of the whole... Hold on a minute. Father, the men, they're coming up the drive. So, Ned Leather, that turn against me. Mr. Art, right? It's not that we've turned against you, but we kind of work for every week. There'll be more of that episode of Yorkshire Days next week.

So, yes, we've done the show. We're on. I'm off to the football, I'll be honest with you. I'm off to see West Bromwich Albion versus Sheffield United. What about that? Oh, a glamour fixture. It is something of a glamour fixture, yeah. Is John Terry playing today?

John Terry's not playing for West Bromwich Albion or Sheffield United. I don't think you'll find a four that's come that quickly. Yeah, let's face it, we'd accept him. He will be playing today. I imagine he might be having his leg pulled by some of the crowd. But, you know, we'll see. Oh, that happens, doesn't it? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, they can be ribald. A cruel mistress. Oh, sorry. Yes. So, our guest today was Alex Horne, who I loved, actually. He's one of those people who had great warmth about him. It was the beard, I think. He was lagged. He was well lagged. He was ever so sweet. He was sweet and funny, so...

And quite sort of biblical looking. He looked a bit biblical, especially when he parted in the centre at that point, when I banged that big staff on the ground. I saw him eyeing that basket of yours. He was, yeah. Oh, it takes me back. A little bit of leprosy as well he had.

Yeah. I don't know if you can say that. What if his solicitor says, takes me back little bit of leprosy as well he had yeah I don't know if you can say that now what if his solicitor says we get a letter saying suggested Alex Thorne's got leprosy on the thing that's you know you can deal with it I'll pass it on to you

let me say that I said let me say that sorry I thought you hadn't heard so yeah that's that and I'm looking forward to hearing So, yeah, that's that. And I'm looking forward to hearing the show again myself. That's how much I liked it. Emily told me to be more positive in these intros, you see.

So I'm doing that. Yes, I think it's the best thing I've ever done. It's the best work I've ever done, personally. I think the three of us. I think if there's a time capsule for this show, like what they used to have on Blue Peter, I think we should put today's show in it. What about that? Why not?

Did you see when they opened the Blue Peter time capsules? It was very, it was a big moment. It was like the millennium. They opened it up and rain had got in. And they just took out this slime. That's very British, isn't it? Yeah. The Labrador had drowned.

They put it in there. I mean, it was always a risk. But it was, yeah, that was a very tragic moment. I can hear it was always a risk. But it was... Yeah, that was a very tragic moment. Can you hear a strange humming? Can you hear a humming? It's Adrian Hyatt. He's got some equipment in there.

Oh, has he? What is he... There's a little bit of lathe operating on the side. See, they don't pay him enough for the news thing. Because you think you're only on once an hour for, like, three minutes. I think he told me he got 18 quid a week. He makes most of it up as well. What, the news?

The news. I think if I was a newsreader, I'd say one story a week. And I wouldn't even plan it before. I just think I'm going to improvise it. So I'd say a woman from Kent found a medieval knight in her garden today

and set fire to him in a fit of panic. And the local council have sued her for carbon emissions. A spokesman said it's health and safety gone crazy. No one would even question it. Yeah. Can you hear a... I can hear, like, wind blowing through a castle torrid. That's all I can hear.

It's Heathcliff. Yeah, it's all gone a bit Heathcliff. He didn't live in a castle. I imagine he lived in a big house rather than a castle. Yeah. Shall we see if we can get this to 40 minutes before the show starts? I'm all for that.

I'm going to end with some animal impressions. Oh, God. A rat. Giving. Quite pleased with that one. I think perhaps we'll leave it there. I'm not going to top that. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner, who's with Emily and Gareth on the Absolute Radio. And we're here on Absolute Radio. So, good morning to you. I think I've already said that. I said that earlier. It's all right to say it twice, isn't it? Yeah, you've said it loads. Yeah, I think it's OK. It reminds people, like, you know, when it is.

So, everyone's talking about the England football captain John Terry this morning. And the papers are full of it. In case you don't know the story, he shot 12 people in a burger bar in the early hours of the morning. It's caused a bit of a stir, as you can imagine. No, he didn't. Before turning the gun on himself? Of course, yes.

But he missed, like he did that penalty. Yes, but he missed, like he did that penalty. He is, according to the Sun, he is a liar, a cheat and a disgrace. That's enough about you, Frank. Oh, yes, in case you don't know, what we're being told, and I presume it's true now, it seems to be. I'm going to say allegedly anyway, in case John Terry's lawyers are listening. I bet they're nice people. Well, I think they were are listening. I bet they're nice people.

Well, I think they were in there. I bet they're lovely men. They were. Luckily, they were in the burger bar, so we don't have to worry about them anymore. Lawyers slash bouncers. Anyway, carry on. So, do lawyers slash bouncers.

They want to be careful doing that because they're ones for retribution, the doorman. Yeah, so apparently he had a bit of a relationship with another footballer, who's called Wayne Bridge, with his wife, in case you haven't heard the story. So, not his wife, his girlfriend. He doesn't have a wife. Well, maybe he has a wife as well.

I don't know. This is what it's like. I mean, it's like Babylon, it is. These people and their modern relationships. Yeah, I mean, you you know the footballers nowadays so it's caused a bit of a stir and i like the idea that john terry he's not a man who's prepared to travel you know if he's going to have an affair he thinks oh who's in the room you know what i mean it's like this i read that on um on dating um sites you get on the internet that the most ticked box is must live within five miles of my

home. Oh, that's lazy, isn't it? It is. It's good that people... I don't mind if she's a hunchback, as long as I don't have to get two bosses. I love that. So I think that's why he's probably done, I'll stick local. What's this bit there where John Terry said he tried to make her sign a confidentiality agreement

and he paid her a pound. I'd want a hell of a lot more than a pound. It's interesting that he paid her a pound. I imagine he's a pound shop kind of a man. Yeah, that is a strange thing, as you say. Well, they're all very lovely

looking women, but I think you have to be under control. Anyway, they're now saying, should he be dropped from the England team? That's the big debate. I don't think so, do you? Well, let's put it this way. Not unless he has a drop in form. I'm all for a great moral

stance, but I mean, if Wayne Rooney literally did kill some people in a burger bar, I still don't think he should be dropped from the England team. It all depends on how good you are. But there's no sense in throwing away the World Cup just because you've broken a couple of hearts. I mean, you know, why cause more misery?

And at least his mistress was quite classy. Well, that's always a good thing. He's actually gone up in my estimation, can I say. Well, he's gone up in all sorts of things. Yes. Yes. Well, because she's a bit French. Well, she's all french and brunette and

classy i like her i love vanessa perron's cell that does make it better i mean and she looked like sam fox we'd have all thought oh well isn't that typical but now we're thinking oh you see footballers they're getting much more sophisticated absolutely yeah it probably wouldn't have been a burger bar would it looking back it would have been a crepe house if he had gone postal. It will happen eventually. Anyway, that was that. So it's a horrible story in many ways, but, you know, footballers. OK, I think I might play another piece of music.

I started off in a slightly squalid way. I thought we could end on something a bit happier before we play the first bit of music. OK. John Terry was voted Daddy of the Year. That'll do me. Absolute Radio. Saturday morning.

Indeed. I actually got a basket case this morning. Did you? Yes. I got a gift from Absolute. I got a hamper in a wicker case thing. I'll show it. Have you?

I think you can probably show wicker on the radio because wicker has a sound. Hold on a minute. Oh, it's an expensive one, Frank. Listen. Hear that wicker? Sort of a creaking. Yeah, exactly. That's just your underpants that you haven't changed for a year.

Don't bring that up. This is a... And it looks like you could keep pigeons in it. It's just your underpants that you haven't changed for a year. Don't bring that up. This is a... And it looks like you could keep pigeons in it. It's quite small, but you could get three in arm in arm. We had this debate. I said shoulder to shoulder before. And Emma, who's working on the show today, I asked her if

pigeons have shoulders. And I think she said of some sort. Oh. You're sort of shrugged and cooed. So I might walk home going with that and people think I've got a trim phone in a basket.

That's because it was your birthday, isn't it? It was my birthday. Gareth and I didn't get anything when it was our birthdays. Did you not? No. From Absolute? No. So tight. Maybe I'm meant to share this. We have a pigeon each. Do you not? No. From Absolute? No. So tight. Maybe I'm meant to share this. Yeah. We'll have a pigeon each. Do you have some sort of

pink in a rotisserie? Frank, we've had a text in about your pants. Oh, my pants. I wish I hadn't brought up my pants last week. So do I. I wish you hadn't taken down your pants. Yeah, well that was at least we weren't on air then. It's from Anon.

Following last week's news that Frank gets full use of his underwear for more than one day, should we call it the Frank Skidder Show? Oh, no. You've plummeted to John Terry levels. Yeah, John Terry and now the references to that. I feel a bit like, what's she called, the woman in the Big Brother house who disapproves of all the rude jokes? Stephanie Beecham.

Stephanie Beecham, I feel Beecham. Actually, I feel more like Thomas Beecham, who was the conductor of the Hallé Orchestra. But I see anybody can go on into why I feel like that. I bought you pants this week, though, for your birthday. I know, that was a lovely thing. When I got home last week week because I announced the fact I said that I wear pants for two days

I think that's saving the planet in many ways you're just a lazy brahmi although you should see my carbon seat print anyway so when I got home, my girlfriend confronted me. She'd listened to the show and she said, you know, I had no idea that you wore pants for two days.

Apparently she thought it was the drains. So she's made me promise that I won't do it again. So that was a little frozen moment in time. But this week I've actually been wearing one pair a day. Have you? And I must say I felt all the crisp before it. You know, some of the scabs have disappeared altogether. Oh, my God.

No, so I'm going to stick with that now. And so all the extra pair you want to come up with. So I'm still lost in your scabs? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, that was a great show, wasn't it? Well, I'll get a shovel. Do you remember lost in scabs?

Oh, no, please. It's gone very... Oh, I think we need to bring the tone up a bit. What about Celebrity Big Brother? Yeah, Celebrity Big Brother, that'll do it. That's classy. Oh, I loved it last night. I shed a tear.

Did you? Why? I cried when Stephanie Beecham said, I walked in here a stuck-up cow, and I'm leaving a shambles. Which I didn't think was necessarily a good thing. Well, you say that most weeks. When Alex came out, Alex Reid, and did his speech, I thought, because he came out and he won,

you know he won the thing, he's Jordan's boyfriend and all that. And the crowd went absolutely crazy and he looked so proud and pleased. And I thought, oh, great, well done, mate. And the crowd went absolutely crazy and he looked so proud and pleased and I thought, oh, great, well done, mate. And he sat down. I would say eight seconds into the interview, I thought, I never want to see or hear you again. That really is, I think we've had all there is of you now.

I don't want anything else. I don't want to see you presenting or even just take a picture. That's it. There is no more. That's what I feel. I feel he's a path I have already trodden. Poor Alex.

Yes. So get out. But I quite like Bass Hunter. He's available as well now. Because he said to catch you. Bass Hunter. Yes. I like him too.

Yes. I like him too. Oh, by the way, our guest this morning is Alex Horne. Oh, God. Oh, I've got them all at my fingertips. I'm a bit like the Rick Wakeman of the Jingles console. Who has a horn like that unless they're in a carry-on film? Yeah, I think my car horn is... You've got, like, a clown car horn.

Yeah, I've got a clown car horn. Glitter comes out of it. This is my one. Yeah, that would get people's attention, though, wouldn't it? OK. What a car horn. It started strangely today the show But alright

Don't draw attention to it Oh don't draw attention Oh yeah No I'm having I don't know about you I'm having a great time here on Absolute Radio Loving it all

Why don't you text us on Who's your favourite TV Nurse That'll do it That'll get them That'll get them rolling in Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had some favourite nurses in. Yeah, see, I didn't really mean for there to be a favourite. I just couldn't think of anything else, but it's great that people have responded. That's why I love our listeners. Who are their favourite nurses? Ian Blair. Good old Ian Blair, Chief of Police, has said,

Nursie from Blackadder 2. Oh, yes. And Jeff in Arding, has said, Nursey from Blackadder 2. Oh, yes. And Jeff in Ardingley has said, Tina Hobley. So she's from Hobley City. Oh, yeah. Shouldn't she be from Hobley City? I don't think Nursey should ever... I don't think there should have been actresses. There was an anagram

of the title of the show. That would be ridiculous. That was... Remember that woman that Nina Station Creed that was in Coron woman that uh nina station creed that was in coronation street oh god that was rubbish i'm terribly sorry my favorite nurse i think is nurse gladys emmanuel from uh oh that was open all hours yeah i remember there's one she's leaning on her car and leaning across the uh windscreen and he says it's not often you see bumpers like that on a Murmur Morris Minor. Oh, brilliant.

So, I don't know if you know, but I'm a legend. Oh, yeah, we know that. Oh, I hate people that use that. Legend. Yeah, legend. Legend. You're a legend, Frank. I am a legend. I've got the hardware to prove.

I've got a trophy. Because this week I won the Loaded Legend Award. Oh. Because I am a loaded legend. In fact, I brought in a bank statement to prove it. Oh, yes, I am. I won the Loaded Legend award. Oh, Loaded Magazine.

Yes, so they did these awards, and it's like a lifetime achievement. So it's an acknowledgement. You know, it's nice when people, you know, recognise all the work you've done over the years. Unless, of course, you're Chemical Ali. In which case, it's a... So what happened? Was there a fabulous ceremony?

Do you think they'll carry on without him, the Chemical Brothers? Like the Bee Gees did. You know, we like to dedicate. You know, we're going to miss Chemical, but he would have wanted us to carry on. Actually, they'd call him Ali, obviously, because they're all called Chemical. Yeah.

So what was the question i just wanted to know a bit more about the ceremony was the champagne was well it was it was in this um i'll tell you one of the i'll give you an idea of how big an event it was yeah jedward were a no show now can you imagine jed jedward thinking uh shall we go to... Oh, no, too busy. Now, if we've got to that stage... Well, don't assume that. I think they probably just got stuck in a lift somewhere. Maybe. I thought maybe because they gel so heavily

and leave their hair so high, they might have been clearing snow with each other. Wouldn't that be a great publicity shot for this? So they should do that with one of them just shoveling up. Or got stuck together like stickle bricks. No, it was... Do you know stickle bricks? I do know those.

Of course I know stickle bricks. What do you think I am, a fool? I want to know more about the Loaded Awards then. So they called you a legend. Yeah. Did you walk up some stairs, collect an award, and go and sit back down again and have your corks scratching? Oh, no, I did about 20 minutes.

Did you? Did you? Oh, Frank, 20 minutes. That's a bit self-indulgent yes and uh everyone was it was it was hosted by olivia lee do you know olivia lee wore a lovely posh frock and everything oh yes i know who she is yeah yes as soon as i said posh frock you you knew and people won various things like justin lee collins won funniest man and um reeves and mortimer won Funniest Double Act.

But then it said, and now the centrepiece of the thing. Oh, like a floral arrangement. Exactly. And Artia Katia was there as well. What, off of Celebrity Big Brother? Yeah, that was her speech. The one with the gingerbread man eyes. Has she got gingerbread?

Yeah, she has, I've told you. It's funny you should say that, because apparently I'm the only male celebrity. I use the term celebrity. Well, I don't even use it, because I can't say it. I'm the only male celebrity to appear on two loaded covers. Right. Quite a distinction.

I think you'll agree. And they had one of me winking, doing like a big wink. Sorry, what? Winking. Yes, on the cover. And it's the strangest wink I've ever seen. It didn't look like a big wink. Sorry, what? Winking. Yes, on the cover. And it's the strangest wink I've ever seen. It didn't look like a wink. It looked like I was someone who wore an eye patch,

who'd taken it off and thought, to hell with it, I'll show you the dark, sinuous socket without anything in it. It really, when I saw it, I was appalled. So you looked elderly and ill rather than cheeky. Yes, it was a bit like the new Absolute publicity campaign. I got the photo. Did I tell you I was doing a photo thing with Dave Gorman? Oh, in the OC?

In the OC. I love the OC. And we all had to get made up, so it looked like it was first thing in the morning. Well, you didn't have to then. Well, the thing was, now I've seen the photos, I look absolutely like a cadaver. Like some sort of cadaver.

And they just look normal. What does the OC look like? He's healthy looking though. The OC looks absolutely fantastic. I don't think he can look rough. Dave Gorman, he can have his moments. Well, he's got a beard anyway, so that's half the effect. Something of the man of the road of him. So it looks like we've turned up to do a normal photo shoot

and I just happen to have dysentery. So for me, I think people are just going to say he looks terrible. The whole theme has gone, but they're going to use it anyway. Oh, I can't wait to see those. Anyway, legend. And when we left, we got a goodie bag from uh durex so an enormous uh it's in an enormous uh carrier bag with durex on the side what was inside it well i couldn't possibly tell you okay well you know you can guess what was inside it is that all you got

oh yeah and the thing is i thought if i bump into my parish priest with this it's gonna be nightmarish and my girlfriend got one as well and she was having her induction day at work she's the new sugar babe I haven't gelled today have you noticed? What on your hair? No

No not my hair I haven't gelled my throat because someone said that I remember American comics saying he'd seen Ronald No, not my hair. I haven't gelled my throat. Because someone said that. I remember an American comic saying he'd seen Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan used to dye his hair, but then absolutely gel it so it didn't move. And he said, I saw him get off a helicopter, he said, and his hair didn't move,

even though he was standing on the propeller, he said. But his throat was blowing all over the place. Oh, God. Oh, I started clicking and just an excitement so it's not my joke it's an american man um yes also yeah so i was talking about the loaded party i noticed that the previous loaded legends which is like bruce forsyth um vick reeves harry enfield every one of them turned up up for them Yeah probably But they wouldn't have been famous then We'll move on You've taken it too logically

You have to allow a bit of surreality So yeah I thought I'm the only winner Who hasn't got a catchphrase So I've tried over the years I tried one, I used to come on and rub my thumb just down my belly

and say oh sorry I normally wear a waistcoat that wasn't going to take off was it? the terrible catchphrase you've got to do them on the telly I was doing it on a tour so I'd do it in one place saying Grimsby on Tuesday night they'd never heard it before

then I'd do it again, Bristol nothing, I'd think it again, Bristol, nothing. I'd think, it's not catching on, is it? But of course they were all hearing it once, which doesn't work with a catchphrase. I mean, if you just do it once, I could say this entire show was my catchphrase. So that doesn't work.

So I need something. I think you have got loads of catchphrases. You just don't realise it. OK, I'll tell you what you always say. You always go, I do say that, but that's in my private life. don't realize it okay i'll tell you what you always say you always go hi ted tight i do i do say that but that's in my that's in my private life that's usually when you say something rather grand it's actually from little women the judy garland thing when they say something to their

aunt you know i won't be told what to do and that the aunt goes hi ted tight hair i love it love it. And you say, Frank, you say, Good day to you. But you could say that, but then if that was at the beginning of the show, it might ruin it all. Yeah, now that is from Cartoon. Oh. Yes.

And Charlton Heston, they're all about to go in this battle where most of them are going to die and he says, well, you go over there and blah, blah, blah. Good day to you. It's fantastic. And also, another catchphrase that you have in your normal life is say we're talking about looking for a catchphrase and you'll go looking for a catchphrase i know i know yes that

is true he sings everything to the tune of girlfriend in a coma yes but i can't i can't use that as an official catchphrase because um alanis morrise who i believe wrote that song um i know i know i've done a compound of two singers it's me being whimsical um he would he would come around alanis morrise and say you can't use my tune without paying me and uh you know i hate it when he does. Because I always want to go up to him and rub my fingers up his temples. Because, you know, they're shaved. Ooh, Morrissey, I could just kiss you on your big lips.

Don't you dare. I don't... So, yeah, if anyone... I'd like... If anyone can think of a catchphrase for me, any of our very smart listeners, and on my next performance, I will give it a go. I'll see if I can, you know...

I've got an idea for one. Oh, God, you're coming very loud then. I thought it was my ex-wife. Just seeming rich with my wallet, instinctively. That can be arranged. I was going to say, where's the goatee? Go on, what was I saying? And the Primark anorak.

I've got an idea for you. Well, once, because sometimes when a Birmingham rings in, they sometimes... Can you not call them a Birmingham? OK, sorry. When someone from Birmingham rings in, they'll say things like albignia. Albignia, is it?

Yes, and tararabit. Oh, yeah, that could be your catchphrase. Albignia. Yeah, like albinia. Albinia, is it? Yes, and tararabit. Oh, yeah, that could be your catchphrase. Albinia. Yeah, albinia. That's quite good, don't you think? Hmm. No. I don't know if it's got universality, though.

But, you know, I'll write it down. Okay. Albinia. It has to be delivered. Yeah, albinia. That's the only thing. But, you know, I'll work it. Anyway, if you can think of a catchphrase, I honestly will. The next time

I do something, I'll do it in public and see how it goes. It could change my life. Of course, you'll be paid if it's successful. Okay, so I'm looking for a new catchphrase. I'm looking for a catchphrase on 8-12-15. We've had some suggestions already.

Okay. Kev has suggested, does anybody know where I parked me bike? I like your use of the word me. It sounded so like you were going to choke on it. Let's try that. Does anyone know where I parked me bike? Laughed.

People aren't going to laugh at that. They're not going to clap at that. These catchphrase comics, that's the great joy of it. You don't have to write jokes anymore. You just say things that everyone else knows you're going to say, and they love it. It's brilliant. Yeah.

Jonathan has suggested that you wear a football shirt that's not a West Brom shirt. Oh, there's props now. Props in there. And if you're wearing a non-West Brom shirt, you could say, it's nice, but it's not baggy enough. It could be an ongoing... Yeah?

Because they're called the baggies. Yeah, I knew that. He does know that. Okay. Okay, Mark Scott in Southport. Hi, Frank, two catchphrases for you. Have you seen me pigeons? Yeah, and then maybe I could add a...

No. Okay. I don't know about this second one have you seen me pigeons you're not gonna get applause on that scale harry enfield career that's two key phrases and i'll put you put them into a sentence mark's got another one i tell you it was that big i never got a look in um laura that could that be a bit i don't know i'm trying to work it out sorry don't ever call me laura haven't i told you that a thousand times that's my stage name no that's my wife's name it's like when you call your teacher mum at school yeah it was a bit like that, wasn't it? No, Laura's texted one in. You know we need help when Laura starts texting. But she's... This is actually from your wife. This is from Laura, yeah.

And she's tried to get a catchphrase going in her everyday life. Has she? Like a saying that she just says quite a lot. And you have to say it in sort of a deep south accent. Okay. And it's, Ain't that a bag of jumbles? Okay.

I'll try it. Ain't that a bag of jumbles. Okay. I'll try it. Ain't that a bag of jumbles. I'm worried about the political elements. I don't feel easy with it at all. Ain't that ain't that a bag of jumbles. You sound like a muppet. That's better. I like it

better like that. It hurts my throat though. I'll try it one more time. No. Oh, that's actually done me a bit... I'm spitting blood. I shouldn't be spitting blood, should I? OK, we'll keep on coming in. The sort of thing we're after...

I mean, that bike one... Has anyone seen where I parked my bike? He's a bit reminiscent of Jack Warner, who used to play Dix and the Doc Green. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Evening all. Just in case you hadn't never seen it. he's a bit reminiscent of Jack Warner who used to play Dixon of Doc Green even though just in case you hadn't never seen it I feel now you've got a sense of what it was like when he was doing

the musicals he used to Mind My Bike good one isn't it yeah but he got big applause he did, that went very well Mind My Bike looking back on it, my favourite one, I think, is that woman in Nearest

and Dearest. She used to say, oh, come on, it's ten past, oh, I must get a little hamper on this watch. That was a great one. That's the sort of level we're after. So I had a bit of a birthday gathering. Oh, yeah, I went. Oh, you didn't come, Gareth? No. Oh.

You were invited? Yeah, I was invited. Yeah, but was it one of those last minute invitations? Yeah, it was quite late in the afternoon. Well, the whole thing was very last minute. I don't think that you were last minute. Was it what I call a DCI? A don't come invite. Because I worry that it was.

A don't come invite. It certainly wasn't that. I would have loved it if Gareth had come. But the whole thing, I wasn't going to... It didn't gonna have an address on it it didn't have any no no yes you're right it was a dcr i am not but it was it was a fabulous night because there's like 12 of us around the table all the friends i have plus their partners and uh and then it was there was really was love in the room wouldn't you say? and then there was an enormous fight but not on our table, it wasn't Frank and David

arguing about money in the World Cup no, but there was an enormous fight and this man apparently was bothering some women in the restaurant and one of the waiters hit him in the face you gasp, fair enough I say and then he went out and then the police came

and the police took him outside and he kept running at the restaurant and they kept there was a great moment when Emily said, oh why don't they just arrest him and David McNeill actually said what are we paying them for? it was the first middle class conversation I've ever

been involved in but then there's like a big window where we're sitting It was the first middle-class conversation I'd ever been involved in. But then... So there's like a big window where we were sitting, so we could see this thing with the police going on. And then two women started snogging very heavily. I wasn't in one of the women. No, no, this was outside. It was like the cloak...

Then a man urinated up a wheelie bin. It was like... Have you ever seen the opening of Guys and Dolls? If you can imagine a much darker version of that and then um kira knightley and orlando bloom came into the restaurant wow yeah friend her boyfriend firstly came in i had to point out who it was these idiots didn't know who it was well i didn't know a man who's really so based his fame on knowing other people, he's actually changed his name to Friend. So it wasn't just Orlando and Keira. I think I met...

Did I tell you I met Katya a bit on the side? Yes, you did. That's her surname. I didn't know that. And relax. OK. So, yeah, so it was a very... It was a lovely night, though.

I had some fabulous... Oh, the presents I had, I can't tell you. I got a flying V. Wait, you said you couldn't tell us. OK, I won't. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Alex Horne will be with us shortly.

I say, Alex Horne. Very funny man. Look for him. Look, look in. Is that WC Fieldhouse? I sometimes think I might just fax the whole thing in and someone else can read it out. Trained presenter.

Bank, we've had a catchphrase suggestion on 8.12.15 for you. Carol Midwood has suggested Cape out of the Os Road. Cape? What Cape? Yeah, that's a good one. Is it just people from the Midlands sending in today? I've never heard of it, what is it? Well, what it is, is that we used to call the road when I was a kid, the Os Road, as in the horse road.

I don't know what it's called. Horses? I suppose it's from a time, it doesn't take too much working out, when there were horses. So people would say, Oi, keep out the Os Road. But I mean, if I was to go on national television and say, Oi, keep out the Oss Road. But, I mean, if I was to go on national television and say, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Frank Skinner, keep out the Oss Road, I mean, they'd be reaching for their CFAX buttons.

So, but I like it. I might start using it in normal life. People seem to suggest that I should just go back to talking complete black country. Anyway, I'm going to have a cup of tea. The trouble is, you're a coroner. Take your time, take your time. What's that?

Oh, just trust me. Anyway. Oh, I don't understand your strange Esperanto. What's news on your new job? I'm quite excited about it. I'm loving my new job. In case you don't know, I'm now works for In Step magazine.

It's not In Step, it's In Style magazine. You get it wrong every week. In Soul, In Step. Yeah, I thought In Step magazine, it's all about, it's in style magazine you get it wrong every week in seoul instead yeah i thought instead magazine it's all about it's a caropody journal it's a it's a very high-end fashion magazine it won't be on your radar very high end so you're not going to be able to sort us out with odor eaters no did i ever tell you that we we lived with a bloke at university and somebody at east melt to be i'll be honest with you, somebody sent, they wrote to O'Darita's

pretending to be him asking if they could make him a suit made out of O'Darita's and he got this letter come, because he obviously hadn't sent the original thing and he opened the letter, it's a long, elaborate

very polite and apologetic thing, explaining how the seams would be particularly difficult because of the fabric. He was absolutely heartbroken. He didn't take it at all jokingly. Still, good old Odoritas getting back in touch. Yeah, very nice. So, yeah, if anyone's listening for Odoritas. Well done.

Yeah. I imagine you'll get a lot of free ones now. Oh, yeah. Well, I do get freebies anyway. Yes. But more of that later. So of free ones now. Oh, yeah. Well, I do get freebies anyway. Yes. But more of that later. Mm. So we had a fabulous party this week.

Big in style. Very glamorous party. Lots of champagne. Lots of amazing people there. Jimmy Carr was there. Mm. Jonathan Ross was there. Again, my invitation's probably in the post, isn't it?

I know. I was going to invite you to, but I didn't. So, um... Well, I feel much better now you've explained that. That was nagging at me. This rustling, by the way, is mini Oreos. Oh, they look nice. Do you want one?

Yeah. We might as well settle down with some snacks if it's going to be one of Emily's stories. You love my stories. Want some Keora? It's a nice... You're like little Victorian urchins looking through the window at a better life.

Yes, we are. You are, very much so. They're all just little Oreos, aren't they? They are. I said they're mini Oreos. The word mini was the... You see? That was the clue.

Do you want to discuss use-based snacks or do you want to hear about my party? Oh, that's this morning's phone in last now now go on tell us about the party so anyway lots of oh and craig david was there that's a funny one isn't it craig david yeah craig david all over my well i hope not no and also it was well it was on a wednesday and i think he's making love on a wednesday i believe he is we never said all day though did he i think he has a he has quite a strict schedule he chilled on thursday friday saturday and he chilled on sunday

well yeah so we'll be chilling tomorrow i'm not saying anything but now so yeah so he was there and um also henry conway who's the son of the disgraced mp which i thought was a good spot the son of the disgraced mp What's the name of the disgraced MP? I don't know. Someone Conway. It was to do with, he was accused of paying his kids to be parliamentary researchers. Oh, I see. Yeah. That sounds alright to me. Yeah. I went round

to buy a house once in Hampstead. Sorry, do you see this as a mere just a little break off point where someone else talks? I hate those bits and i looked at this house and dave said oh i'd love to see that's a nice big house so he came with me and you know they have the family photos yeah david deal yeah and they have the family photos on the shelf and that in these houses and there on the family photos was um lord lucan you're joking honestly

absolutely honestly and d Dave said to me, there's lots of... Shh, don't say anything. Because the woman was showing us around who lived there. So she's obviously a relative of Lord Lucan. So in case you don't know who Lord Lucan is, Google him. And then Dave...

I said to Dave, don't mention it. So then Dave, after about two minutes, points at this other picture and says, is that the woman he killed? Oh, man, can you imagine? Imagine my consternation. You didn't buy the house, I take it. No, I didn't buy it.

You don't know what you might find in an attic, do you? So anyway, you were at the party. So I was at the party and I was wearing, I mean, it wasn't loaded laughters with your pork scratchings and your old jacket. I had a fabulous dress on. Free condoms. Did you get free condoms? No, I got free products. I don't know if I should name...

No, no, perhaps you shouldn't name it. And I also... I had some earrings called in. She got a special Absolute Radio coil that you can... Do you want to hear my story? You can get Absolute Radio on. No, that's horrible. That would be the best contraceptive. Oh, my God.

Why doesn't Absolute Radio do that? That would be marvellous. That's horrible. I also think it would be very good for some of these thin celebrities. Take your Fern Cotton. If she was made to wear a coil, then if Fern Cotton turned up for a public appointment, you could hold her up to the light and make sure she was the if Fern Cotton turned up for a public appointment,

you could hold her up to the light and make sure she was the real Fern Cotton, like they do with £20 nuts. Maybe we should have a break there while I speak to the absolute lawyers, who are much nicer than John Terry's lawyers. Can I point that out? Absolute Radio. And we have been joined by Alex Horne. I was waiting for that.

I heard that before. Yeah, that's quite good. You can take that away with you. I normally travel with a horn and do that myself. Yeah, you should. I'm Alex Horne. Do you want to try it now? Go on, give it a go.

Yeah, hi, I'm Alex Horne. Yeah, it works. I did a mime of shaking someone's hand. Yeah, I noticed that. Yeah, I would have had to have held the horn in the other... Well, we do have the webcam thing, so some people will have enjoyed that mime. Yeah, many, many people will have. And some people, now that you've explained it,

will enjoy it in retrospect. Can they buy the video footage of this? Well, not officially. Right, but we could do a deal. You know, something could happen if it went that way. It's a good handshake. So, you're on tour, Alex, at the moment. Yes, yes, I was in a Shropshire village last night.

Shiffnell. A Shropshire village? Yeah, I do village halls, mainly. Are you familiar with the Shropshire poet, A.E. Houseman? Hi. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, sorry, Alex.

This is a terrible opening for you. That was so foolish of me. They have a rule on Absolute Radio that you can't mention. A.E. Houseman. Yeah. It's all right. No, we've said it once. It's OK for the rest of the show.

Oh, I'm sorry. I sort of alluded to that with the mention of a county. No, but he... I think I was unlucky. No, but he did did a very famous poet his most famous poem was called the shropshire lad so yeah no i do know him i well not known but yeah oh well it's nice to that he came up early i i would have swatted up more on houseman if i knew that this was going to go we're not allowed we're not really encouraged to talk about it but that's the idea of the siren i think yeah well i i listened to the siren but it has a little effect on me. I mean, I don't mind sirens. Oh, you're a siren fan?

Yeah. You'd have been terrible if you'd have been on with Odysseus. Very good reference. This is great. What's going on here? It's all a book at bedtime. Well, I think Alex feels like a bright bloke. He's got a bit of...

I think we can go any way we like. I've got a classics degree. I'm a big fan of Odysseus. Have you? Oh, there you go. Yeah, one of my favourite stories. Oh, I like a man bloke. He's got a... I think we can go anywhere we like. I've got a classics degree. I'm a big fan of Odysseus. Have you? Oh, there you go. Yeah, no, one of my favourite stories. Oh, I like a man with a classics degree. I always say there's not enough Homer material on Absolute Radio.

Oh! Oh, there you go. Very good, Gareth. That's the first thing you said. Anyway, so you're on to... Can you tell us a little about your show? Someone comes to see Alex Horne, what should they expect? Well, it's about an hour and a half show.

There's seven jokes and the rest of it is more more can we show you that again we can oh we can't edit it's live no but the jokes are really good and i think if you pace them you know 20 minutes in between then people are really looking by the time you get to the joke people are really chomping for you know looking forward to the joke so the rest of it is facts about um this show is about the dictionary okay okay so it facts about... This show's about the dictionary. OK. OK, so it's about... This show's about how to get a word in the dictionary. I've been trying to get a word in the dictionary for four years. OK. Have you tried getting it in edgeways?

How's this going? Is this going well? I think it's going brilliant. Yeah, it's going quite well. I'm enjoying it. Yeah. OK, so you're trying to get... Is there a particular word that you're championing at the moment? I came up with five words initially

and they're all making some progress. The main one is honk, which is relevant to your sound effect, but not the noise of a goose. I've got a new meaning, which is cash. Like money. I haven't got any honk on me. I'll have to go to a honk machine. We're sort of piggybacking on a word. Right. That still counts.

Okay, so you don't have to actually invent a completely new... You can do, but that's sort of harder. If I just said to you, we did invent one word, which is a TK day. I celebrated my TK day three years ago, which is your 10,000th day on Earth is a TK day. Oh, I would have thought that meant going to TK Maxx or something. Well, you can go to TK Maxx on your TK day, yeah. That would be great.

Yeah, I did. I celebrated my TK dayx on your TK Day, yeah. Yeah, that would be great. Yeah, I did. I celebrated my TK Day with a shopping spree. Yes, that's how it works, this sort of awkward conversation. But that's why, with a made-up word, it's a lot easier. You obviously don't listen to this show. This is basically it. Don't feel

you've caused any sort of awkwardness. This is how we like it. No, I like it too. I like it. But so honk, you can slip it into a conversation more easily because it already exists. Honk? My mum would use the word honk as in to be sick. Is she often? Is she bulimic?

Sometimes she'll say, I'm going to honk. Right. Yes. But that makes me feel of being sick. Yeah. Your mum isn't a goose, is she? A little bit. She's a part goose.

A little bit. Part goose. Okay. My mum's a little bit she's a little bit okay my mom's a little bit goose yeah yeah my mom's a little bit african and a little bit goose but i think that's what what's good for the goose is good for uganda oh god no ladies and gentlemen i should be doing that joke again live tonight i'm never doing anything else i just be doing that joke and then alex home will come on and talk about the dictionary yeah that was that was scripted, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, obviously.

That was incredible. We've had that all worked. We've been working on that for weeks. Honing it. Very nice. It's a lovely joke. Lovely joke. Horning it.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'm loving it. There it is. That's automatic now, isn't it? Yeah. It sounds like an automatic, doesn't it? It's a manual.

It's got a sort of grating sound on the lower tone. Yeah, that's definitely automatic. So Alex is on tour at the moment, a 35-date national tour. So where are you tonight? Are you on tonight? No. No, next gig's not until Tuesday in Edinburgh and then Aberdeen. OK.

And I'm driving up with my little friend Tim. OK. So you can catch me either en route at a service station or... I mean, it'll be funnier when I get to the gig. Who's your little friend Tim? I'm intrigued by him. Tiny Tim. Tim Key. Oh, yeah, we had him on the show. Yeah, you probably would have, yeah.

He's a friend of the show. He's a friend of the show. Yeah, he's a friend of the show and a friend of mine. He's got two friends. One is a human, one's a shark. Friend of the show! There you go. I should have these headphones on yes oh yes so you and tim i often wonder about that with comics because you're i see you now as one of these comics who collaborates a lot yeah why not i'm not quite got enough talent by myself because i can't do impressions and stuff

but tim can so together we're an awesome force because my thing is that i i am always a bit nervous about i don't think i'd ever be able to say to anyone would you collaborate with me in case they said no really yeah i mean how did laura robson summon up the courage to say to andy thingy the tennis. Oh, can I be your doubles, Paul? But you collaborated with Badil, didn't you? With David. Did he ask you? Yeah, we were living together, so I brought it up casually into the conversation. No, I was living with Tim.

Oh, well, there you go. So you need to, really. So apart from... No, I think you have to cohabit to... Yeah, Anton Deck, another example. Yeah, they were flatmates for me. Yeah, but I do, I'd be wary about it. So you also have, you're on tour with,

I should say the show is called Word Watching. That's right. It's a sort of pun on bird watching, because I did a show before about bird watching, so I'm hoping that people remember that show and then understand the pun. It's an ambitious, not great title. How far is it you could take it?

Yeah, well, next year it's either third watching, if I've got a show about the number three. Yeah. Or, I don't know. No, exactly. exactly no no this could be it this will be nerd watching you could have yeah just a sort of navel gazing show just me in a mirror so uh word and uh word watching the book also exists yeah there's a book out yeah which is uh a sort of lengthier version of the show i mean it's you know what books are it's

what i say but written down so yeah so you don't have to cope with the voice. You can do your own voice. That's the book. And it's good. Do you want to know how many pages? It's got 240. 240? It's not a bad length. Single space? Double space? 1.5. OK. I think that's always

a happy medium. Ariel Russell Grant. And if we come to see you live yeah could we buy your book you can i have to do this awful thing at the end where i stand there at the side with a cardboard book box full of my books all right books are not cardboard and uh i signed them but the uh the metro previewed my show and they said that they did a spelling mistake where they said i will be handing out i'm not handing out i'm selling them but i will be selling books singed by the author instead of signed by the author. So I now stand there with a lighter and people request which page I burned.

And it actually makes it much more fun. It's quite ceremonial, it's quite Nazi, but it's also quite, it's quite nice. I like the burn. Imagine Nick Griffin hands out books singed by the author. No, I think it breaks the ice. I don't know if you've ever signed stuff at the end of a show. It's very awkward. It is a bit, yeah.

It's very difficult. But this way, I literally say, which page would you like me to burn? And that breaks all the ice. Why is it awkward? Well, you've already asked them to pay a lot of honk to come and see you. And then you're saying, look, you see me. I see what's happening. I want you to spend more on this other product of mine.

I just find that slightly mercenary. Oh, Frank's not bothered by that. No. No. Does anyone want to see my bike? spend more on this other product of mine. I just find that slightly mercenary. Oh, Frank's not bothered by that. No, no. Has anyone seen my bike? See, that catchphrase is definitely working. No, I think that I did a sign in, I did the Cheltenham Literature Festival,

which you can imagine is quite a highbrow thing, and I was there, and my girlfriend stood nearby as I signed, and a woman came up to me in the queue and said do you recognise me I said no she said oh we had a one night stand in 1997 wow that's what I said

absolute Gareth have you ever been stopped by the police yes I have been stopped by the police what happened there's been a bit in the news recently about you know with terrorism and stuff people by the police and i've got my you get a little pink slip if you get stopped by the police really

it looks a bit tight under the arms that one do you ever wear it i was stopped i think it's ysl they actually gave me a chemise partly why i got stopped um and um it says, Gareth Richards, my address, hair light brown, clothing upper, navy jumper and green jacket, which is what I was wearing. I like the idea of clothing upper. Clothing, what does the other one say? Clothing downer? Clothing lower, jeans. Oh, lower, not downer. I thought they might have written just Gareth Richards clothing downer in brackets.

So why were you stopped? Well, it says, objects of search, articles in connection with terrorism. Okay, so what... That's what they were looking for. But were you hanging around a large building looking suspicious? No, it was Victoria Station.

That is a large building. Come on. Well, it is. And you do look inherently quite suspicious if you don't mind me saying bommie well i wouldn't go so far as to say that certainly not an absolute radio and um were you were you edgy were you nervous were you searched physically searched i think a dog looked at me i think they had a dog and i think the dog kind of gave me a look and they thought he was maybe picking something up. But it says arrested, question mark.

So they had a sneerer dog? Yeah. A dog who just looked at you. Oh, my goodness. The producer's collapsed. What's happened? Well, we'll have a look after. Let's carry on with this.

Still keep talking about terrorism. She did smell of alcohol this morning. I was once stopped by the police when I was about 17, and the policeman actually said, unironically, I eat people like you for breakfast, son. Can you believe that? Well, it was Armin Mivers, the German candidate. Oh, my God.

Frank. It's about time he got a name check. Why were you stopped by the police then? Oh, I think I was... Are you in a sausage costume? I was drunk and I'd moved a bin. I moved a bin to a place where, you know, it was just in the middle of the road.

I put a bin in the middle of the road. Well, I can top you all because I had a police... You can top us all? Yes. Oh, God, it is army life. I had a police officer actually turn up at my work once. Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Go on. Well, the secretary... When you say your work... Well, this was some years ago. I was working at... You weren't just on the street. No. Hi. Okay, sorry.

I've tried to put those years behind me. Okay. And the secretary came in and she said... Tried to put a lot of years behind you. There's a police... Don't ever. Don't. A policeman's waiting in the lobby for you.

I said, what? So everyone stared at me. It was a walk of shame. I went into reception. And there was a policeman there. And it turned out I'd met him at a party. And he fancied me. And he wanted to take me out.

And he turned up at my work. It's as simple as that, ladies and gentlemen. Just turn up. Did he have a warrant? He had a warrant, apparently. Yeah, which is... He's bread rabbits um well that's i had a friend who um she got burgled and and someone a policeman came around and uh they had um they had intercourse no yeah she just went she thought he was nice i like the way you said that

like you're in a witness box or something. Well, I was trying to think of a word that was acceptable. I used to, I had one of those police stop videos, you know those, now they do them now, they do them on the telly, they have like celebrities voicing over, but in the early days they actually had policemen, and it was fantastic. There was one that said,

A nice quiet day on Dagenham High Street until this character decided to start playing silly buggers. And then there's another one. It says now look at this clown. It was all done in proper copper voice. I could have watched it all day.

What's this joker doing? So that's about it today I I think, is it? Yes. I'm just checking, because I don't want to say goodbye and then have to come back. You know, like when you meet someone at the airport, you say goodbye to someone.

Oh, I hate that. Big emotion, you've been on holiday, and then they're at the cab thing waiting there, and you have to say a sort of a secondary goodbye. Hate that. Okay. Good day to you. Absolute Radio.