The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Alistair McGowan

Episode Date: May 23, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth are joined in the studio by funny man and impressionist Alistair McGowan.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

Welcome to the Frank Skinner Radio Show podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Gareth and Emily. And there's no Frank because he just ran off suddenly. Yeah, he's had to go. He's doing the Hay Festival. Hay on why, it's some literary festival. Because we record this after the show, obviously. So, yes, he's doing the Hay Festival. Hay on Y at some literary festival. Because we record this after the show, obviously. So, yes, he's gone.

Thanks, Frank. But we're still here. It's a good show, wasn't it? It's a good show, yes. We had Alistair McGowan on. He was our guest. Did some impressions. And Frank exclusively revealed some of his impressions,

one of which was the Speaker of the House of Lords. So catch that while it's piping hot. Odder! Something like that is what he did um also we told we found out about um emily's date with teacher joe which is very exciting i won't tell you anything about it okay and um we talked about um what people wanted to do when they grew up we did which was good so all that is coming up right now that was uh split ends with my mistake and i thought every time i make a mistake today i'm gonna play the whole of that song that'd be a good way to run the show this is frank skin on absolute radio um with uh emily and gareth and it's about seven minutes past eight and you know i think that's the first

sound check i've ever given on this show. Really? Yeah. That's why I'm mad. I feel so excited. So, yes. So I had a call from my girlfriend. My girlfriend's away this weekend. Where is she? She's at an ashram.

Of course she is. An ashram, in case you don't know, is a sort of a, it's a sort of a, I don't want to say a hippie, but it is a sort of hippie place. It's like a spiritual retreat. It's a spiritual retreat. that's what it is. And she said that they chanted Hare Krishna for three hours solid last night. Wow. That's quite... Last weekend I chanted Hare Redna for three hours solid,

but West Brom still got relegated. That was my only... I had a horrible day. Oh, Frank, were you upset? You know, I thought I was going to be all right with it because it was like a very slow death. We'd been bottom for about 23 years, it seemed like, so I thought, you know, I'll just... it'll be OK. And when it actually happened, I stood there applauding

and there was men in blue and white striped shirts leaving the picture and I started to... I could feel the tears starting, not just stinging my eyes, but, you know, when they're quite heavy on the lower lid, you know one's going to hit the cheek any moment, and I thought, I've got to go, because I'm not staying for the lap of honour and crying and making a fool of myself. So there's two guys who always talk to sit in front of me,

and I said, see you next season, and they'd turn around, and they were both crying. But the worst thing is, you know, you get stuck in football traffic after a game. I got stuck in football traffic after a game i got stuck in football traffic after that game but it was chelsea's football traffic because our game was half one by the time i got back to london um so i was stuck in traffic with all these people looking dejected because they'd only finished third and there was like people in berber jackets and a woman in like a hand-knitted retro blue and white scarf like not proper fancy oh if

i'd had my backpack flamethrower it would have been a different story anyway enough of me enough of me what about you guys i'm good i'm very well okay let's get back to me and then i went to um and then i went to someone's house for a meal and we had when i got there the first thing they said to me and they're lovely people this is uh dan and carmen who are mates of mine uh they said oh we had someone around last week and and they got a cab um to turn up at 9 30 and they came for dinner and left at 9 30 can you believe that so i spent the whole night thinking oh god how early can i leave that puts you under pressure.

When someone draws attention to something, then you're thinking, well, what's the right thing to do? Exactly, yeah. So I was thinking, well, I'm feeling a bit tired myself. I dare mention, I couldn't look at my watch. So what did you do? Well, I held out. I mean, you know, I like to be in bed for about 11. You see, that's what worries me about you because I actually saw you the weekend.

And I'm quite a bad leaver i think aren't i i do you can tell me now i don't mind no emily we always love to have you around you know that i'd say no you're not a bad leave it was my own fault you were just leaving and i put derrick akora who could leave who could leave with derrick akora i stood in front of the telly for about half an hour watching it yeah we did because did, because we were seeing Emily out, so we were standing watching the telly, because to sit down would have been to have accepted the fact that you weren't leaving.

So we stood and watched it. Oh, but Terry Kikora, a woman was sitting with him and he was contacting... The world of spirit. That's what he said, yeah. The world of spirit. The world of spirit, which, as I point out, is that like the world of leather? But the world of spirit. That's what he said, yeah. The world of spirit. The world of spirit, which, as I point out, is that like the world of leather?

But the world of spirit would be a great name for, like, a big sort of off-license warehouse. I would go there. But he was on about someone, he was saying to this woman, oh, I've got your auntie on the phone. She's so proud of you. She's walking around the world of spirit, bragging about you.

And I thought, it sounds quite a sort of domestic kind of place, the world of spirit. I thought it would just basically be missed. But somebody's walking around there bragging about their niece. And people seem to change their character quite a lot when they go to the world of spirit. Because no one's walking around, oh, she's very disappointed. She thinks you need to pull your life together. And she's always told you that guy was no good for you

and what are you doing i wish he had done he never he never really does bad news also why do people in the world of spirit if we're assuming it does exist why do they choose to contact everyone via a man with fake teeth and a grey bouffant why wouldn't you go through someone like the dalai lama or alan bennett or someone the trouble is he's in the world of spirit, he's out again. They probably don't trust him, he's like an insider. Yeah, they don't let Derek Okora into the VIP area of the world of spirits either. The Dalai Lama's got a foot in both caps. I think he's like a football referee, he has to stay neutral. Derek Okora. Yes. He's like a football referee.

He has to stay neutral. Derek Okora. Yes. I was watching, they had a kind of a bank holiday special of Most Haunted. And they were tracking down, Dick Turpin, the highwayman, had apparently him and his mate and his girlfriend, who was called Anne Millington, they were all out together. People have girlfriends in those days.

Didn't they just get married? I think they had. Oh, yeah, he was a highwayman. You know, a bit of a maverick character. And anyway, so the three of them there, Dick Turpin, his mate, and Anne Millington, and suddenly this gamekeeper appears, and Dick Turpin shoots him, right. We're told this in the beginning by whoever was presenting it that day. They go to a historian who tells them the story. Then they go to Derek in a field with Yvette Fielding, right?

It's dark. And they're saying, are you all right, Derek? And he goes, oh, no, hold it, hold it. There's someone, a fella called, he's called Dick. Dick, he's called Dick. And he's with his mate, no, Albert. And they're there together. And his girlfriend's saying, no, Dick, don't shoot him, don't shoot him.

And her name's Mary Millington, he says. Can I stop you at this point? Mary Millington was a 70s porn star. The actual name of the girlfriend of Dick Turbin was Anne Millington. So how he could have heard the name of a 70s porn star accidentally said. But anyway, and then he said, oh, no, here comes the gamekeeper. No, no, oh, no, this is terrible. You know oh no here comes the gamekeeper no no oh no this is terrible he's you know he's shot the gamekeeper so then it comes back and i thought right okay they get to a woman in the audience just a member of the audience and she said well this this proves

if beyond any doubt that derrick has psychic powers because i, he's mentioned four names there. She said the human brain couldn't retain that much information. What? He's got one of them mixed up with a 70s porn star. One's Dick Turpin. One's the Game Keeper. There seems to be a lot of repeats going on in the

world of spirits, don't they? I've told you, never mention repeats on Absolute Radio, the home of the no-repeat guarantee. I saw this the other day. The no-repeat guarantee starts at 10 o'clock. Does it? Oh, does it? Oh, well. So we could play the same song over and over and over and over. We could have the fall on a loop.

Yeah. That's a fantastic idea. Don't tell Frank that, Emily. But repeats in the spirit world, you were saying. Yeah, it just seems like when something good happens they think well we're going to keep that in and they just let's do the dick turpin thing over and over again that was wicked yeah you see what i mean no why was that happening in the world of spirits oh i see because it's already happened a long time ago oh god i've caught you off at last

he's cleverer than us yes the thing is though i don't i don't believe it i mean i do i want to believe in a strange way because i think it would be nice to think that we don't just go to dust but i won't is that not very absolute that's all right just don't repeat it um but i went to a psychic quite recently did you yeah i did um she awful. She didn't have that black hair, which I think they should all have, psychics. You know, they all have that raven black, psychic black, I call it, that hair. Yes, okay.

And it was kind of a craft fair, so that should have alerted me to the fact that she wasn't going to be that good. It wasn't a witchcraft. No. Okay. And she read out, she sounded like a really bored sex worker.

She went, psychometry, tarot, crystal ball, palm reading, 20. Or I can do special palm and tarot 10. So I went, okay, I'll go for the 10. And I felt really grubby that I'd only gone for the 10er. You're right. That's how I feel when I talk to a bored sex worker. And I only go for the 10er.

Yeah. And then she started reading my tarot cards. Oh, right. And she turned them over. She went, the Empress, the Chariot, the Knight of Cups. I said, yeah. She said, well, what do they mean? What does the Empress mean?

It's like strong, powerful, emperor. I said, right. Okay, anything more? So I pulled over another card. She went, that's very positive. I said, it's a hangman with a noose. She said, that was a good thing. That was going to happen was a good thing so then maybe it's upside down well i don't know i eventually said i said look am i going to meet a man which is what i wanted to make of course cut to the chase woman she said i see a man abroad

i said well i don't know anyone abroad there is a man abroad she was absolutely insistent there are there are men abroad there are because i was abroad. She was absolutely insistent. There are men abroad. There are, because I was abroad once. I saw at least four. Yeah, there's men there. OK, they're wearing berets, but nevertheless, they are men. So she then got angry with me, and she said, your trouble is you go for looks. Wow.

She got cross with me. Well, I've often thought that, I must admit. But, um, so you don't... You see, there might be a man abroad, and then you'll think, oh, that lady actually knew what she was talking about. Am I right? Oh, you never know. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth,

and our guest after nine o'clock is Alistair McGowan. Oh, wow. You know, the impressionist bloke. Yeah, him. There you go. I've seen something in the papers, which is quite interesting, which was about this, he's the first official

British astronaut, and he, I thought it was quite a sweet story, because he said he'd always wanted to be an astronaut when he was growing up. Don't you think that's cute? And then he became one. Not many people do that, I always thought. I'm not sure, the space race was a massive thing when i was a kid we i remember being told that um because of man had landed on the moon there wouldn't be

there'd be loads of warnings for earthquakes and no one would be hurting earthquakes anymore or hurricanes would be able to predict all that that went out the window no and then they got to the moon and they realized there was no way to tell those things but i did read that the space race has led to a major advance in uh camping equipment technology so that's what they gained probably yeah the space shuttle explodes but hey what a tent peg probably the fleece they developed for space exactly and that's been that's gone very well i don't remember any tents what did you want to be when you were a kid Frank? I wanted to be a cowboy actually

cowboy Frank I don't think many kids now want to be cowboys I don't know what they want to be now they want to be on Britain's Got Talent and things they want to be not stabbed a lot of them or to stab people.

Some people do. Well, yeah. Either one or the other. Yeah. I wanted to be a professor of sweeties. Right. That's a good one. Wasn't Harvey Milk a professor of sweeties?

You got the professor right. That is the job that you do when you're grown up, but you were really hoping there would be professors of sweeties. There probably is a sort of a convect confectionery based silence i like the idea that a professor of sweeties because obviously you'd have to wear a dickie bow but it's got m&ms on it i saw myself in a lab coat of some sort oh god you'd be in a lab coat i don't there's any question about that once you step into the professor world whatever whatever your specialist subject... With a candy cane in the top pocket. What about this? What about this?

What about if people phone in, or text in, actually. I'll give you the text number if I knew it. Does anyone know it? Yes, I do. It's 8-12-15. See, I remembered it. 8-12-15. Text in and tell us what you wanted to be when you were little. Obviously, the weirder, the better.

I look forward to that absolute radio same as ever it was uh that was once in a lifetime by the fantastic talking heads and i must say the text messages are flooding in here on absolute radio fantastic response so far this is if what you wanted to be when you were a child yes Yes, Dennis wanted to be a caterpillar. That's a tough... Do you think he said that to the careers officer? You could work at Caterpillar. He's currently sitting on his sofa eating all day and waiting for his wings.

Someone wanted to be a beaver. Someone wanted to be a wizard. Jay from Worthing wanted to be in the Nolan Sisters. I think that's a boy. Is Jay a boy? Yeah, he is a boy. Brad from Glasgow, I think that's supposed to be Glasgow, wanted to be normal.

That's a joke, surely. Yes, I think so. Let's hope so. Lucy from Sheffield wanted to be part of a Greenpeace ship that runs whaling ships ships i thought that would be good just a specialist area of green piece yeah i don't want to be giving out leaflets i want to be sinking vessels sorry um i just want to be ramming the whaling ships i don't want any of this other stuff um and justin bully said he wanted to be a fire engine not a not a fireman

not a fireman a fire engine. Okay. Hey, this is good. This is Jane Crowther, who's actually someone I know, who's just emailed in, saying when she was younger she wanted to be a street namer. She thought there was a person... I'm glad you worried me there. I thought you were going to say a walker. A street namer. Yeah, she

thought there was a person who was called to every new street and asked to think up a name for it. So she said, I imagine myself turning up and looking around for inspiration while a gaggle of builders and possibly the mayor waited for me to announce the street name. Well, there must be a person. Do they have a kind of a vote?

I don't know, but it's presumably not the same person who does all the streets. Could there be possibly a Frank Skinner Road one day in Oldbury in the West Midlands? You've just got to find the street name and get on the right side of it. I've got to find a street that hasn't got a name. But you often get that on sat-nav. It says on named road.

Next time I read that, I'm going straight there with a sign. If I keep Frank Skinner Street in the boot, as soon as it says on named road, I can just go there and knock it in, who'd know? I'm all for it. I think because Bono is such a legend I think in the future they'll probably name

streets after him or maybe in his honour the streets will have no names. Thank you very much. Here are we. Give me the old old story.

I've got some jingles today. Oh really? You don't believe me do you? I've honestly got some jingles. Do you want to hear one? Yeah. We've got some jingles today. Oh, really? You don't believe me, do you? I've honestly got some jingles. Do you want to hear one? Yeah. We've got our usual jingle, which of course, which is Saturday morning! But I've got, and what about this one? What do you think of this?

Frankie Do you remember me? I love that. Yeah. Obviously, it's the phone call I dread most of all. But, um... Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner. Emily. Gareth. Saturday morning. That's it. That's everything. I know it's Saturday morning because... I'll tell you for why.

Can I tell you for why? Yeah, here we go. Saturday morning! I was talking about... This is your one, Em. Yeah. Oh, I love that. It's Pink Floyd, isn't it?

Yeah! I love it! Yes, it is. I knew a guy called... What's he called? Floyd Green when I was a kid. And he was a black guy, but he had a thing called Vita Ligo. So his face was pink.

And they actually used to call him Pink Floyd. Floyd Green. We never mentioned the surname. But he was okay with it, it seemed. I don't know why I told you that and I didn't intend to. Can I thank everyone who texted in last week by the way because I'm doing a travel thing for children in need I go from London

to Turkey stopping off at various places on the way and they couldn't decide who was going to go with me because everyone's going in pairs you do a leg each and you go around the world in 80 days so people texted in last week to suggest who I should go away with and um howard

jones was my favorite apparently he's busy you believe that howard jones is a no-show i don't believe it anyway ronnie corbett someone suggested as well exactly but um as it turns out in my conversations with children in need this week they've actually decided they're going to send me on my own. Now, that might sound all right, but all the other legs are done by pairs of celebrities. Right. And I thought, well, maybe this is a compliment. You know, they think that I'm so funny that, you know, they're just me, I'll do it. And then my girlfriend says, do you think you're not popular? No one else wants to go with you and this has now slightly haunted me so you're going to go on your own i'm going to end up going oh there'll be a crew obviously i'm just gonna even the cameraman

said no no it's fine just just just take some photos while you're there we can piece them together with footage no so it reminded me of a bit when i was leaving the house this morning um jane horrocks was um doing was on the telly well says she's on the telly she was doing an advert she was talking about how much a basket of food costs at a well-known supermarket and i did a thing called uh called i think it was fenn street nativity, Flint Street Nativity, it was like a Christmas thing, and all these well-known actors, Neil Morrissey was in it, and Dervlico, and John Thompson,

and Jane Horrocks was in it. And at the end of it, I was talking to one of the actresses who was in it, and she said to me, so, you know, you're all set for the party, and I said, what party? She said, you know the party

at Jane Horrocks' house? I said, I haven't been invited. She said, oh, that's obviously a mix- said, you know the party at Jane Horrocks' house? I said, I haven't been invited. She said, oh, that's obviously a mix-up. And she went across to Jane Horrocks, and I saw her speak to her, and I saw Jane Horrocks' face slightly fall, and then move to thundrous. And then she came back and said,

so, what else? What else is happening? Oh, well, didn't refer to the party again. No, everyone had been invited. Everyone in the cast except me. That's horrible. And I've never known why. Have you ever been invited to a party by Alice in Wonderland? I've been invited to four parties in my life.

One of it. And no one wanted to go away on Children in Need with you? No. If they asked Jane Horrocks, she would definitely not want to go. I wouldn't have gone with her if I'd have killed her in Siberia. She can do voices, though, Jane Horrocks, she would definitely not want to work. I wouldn't have gone with her if I'd have killed her in Siberia. She can do voices though, Jane Horrocks, can't she? Oh, by the way, we've got Alistair McGowan as our guest today.

Shall we make him do impressions? Does he still? I think he's started doing them again because he stopped for a bit. Oh, well, no, he's going to have to do them this morning. I've got a whole list. We're going to just do that. Do her! Do that her! So if any of us have got the impressions we better

get them out on out of the way now i've got one go on i can do david mitchell but only in a very specific situation david mitchell from mitchell and webb and the peep show yes exactly in a in a specific situation yeah so it's david m David Mitchell being asked by a paparazzi if he can have his photo taken. So Frank, can you play the paparazzi and cue me in, saying, David, please, we want to take your photo, in quite an aggressive, irritating way. OK. David, David, David, can we take your photo, mate?

I can't think of anything I'd like less, to be perfectly honest with you. What do you think? That was, um... Was that your warm-up, or was that it? The girls laughed. The girls laughed, but they stick together. What about this? Who is this, then? OK.

Order. Order. Order. I presume that's Speaker Michael Martin. Speaker Martin. That's who that is. I just perfected that impression. He's got the sack. So, Frank, you can do the ex-speaker saying one word.

Well, the only ever says one word. I have been working on... Let the great honourable gentleman speak, but it's not as good as my... Order! Order! What a shame they don't do spitting image anymore. Exactly. I would have cornered that speaker, Martin.

Mark it. So, yes, do you do an impression, Gary? I do. Kevin MacLeod of Grand Designs. You may not know. No, but it's always good to do an impression of someone that nobody knows. Or maybe the listeners can tell me

whether anyone has heard of that. But it's, they haven't built this house with bricks or steel. They've built it with love. And they've built it with their feet. Does he talk a bit like you? It's terrible when you can do an impression and no-one knows who it is, is there? No, that's not very good.

I do John Bond, who was the manager of Manchester City in Norwich in the 70s who's going to know him here it goes anyway if anyone does remember him it's terribly important Jim I'm sure that's brilliant that sounded like bones off Star Trek

it's terribly important Jim it's not just the words it's the voice yes obviously hey listen to this email. Sorry, I just feel compelled to... Can you listen to an email? Oh, yeah. Well, you can if I read it to you.

You will be able to in the future. Carry on. This is about... Remember, we were asking people to text and email in about jobs they wanted to do when they were kids. I wanted to fly Airwolf and save people. Now I would settle being Emily's secret lover. I love that.

What is Airwolf? Airwolf is the helicopter from the 80s. In the 80s, they did all sorts of TV shows about vehicles. So there was Street Hawk, I think, which was about a motorbike. Night Rider was about a car. Terrorhawks. And Terror... That wasn't about... Was that about vehicles?

There was a broomstick in it. The A-Team had a van, and Airwolf was about a helicopter. it the a team had a van and um airwolf was about helicopter the a team had a van would be a great opening to a poem i think i'm not listening i'm writing down this telephone number oh for goodness sake by the way um those of you who listen to the show regularly um which i think is for people will know that we set up a date this week for emily that teacher jo, who is a teacher called Joe, who sent in and said he thought Emily looked great on the webcam, which obviously we do Vaseline the lens

and give you a sort of soft focus for that one. But you actually went out on a date this week. I did, yeah. Oh, it was really nice. He was really sweet. You're already writing down other men's phone numbers. How do you think he feels? Because he'll be listening to this. And you're writing down other men's phone numbers. How do you think he feels? Because he'll be listening to this.

Oh, you. Broken his heart. How did it go? I was doing Oliver Harvey then. Not too late. Do you want to hear? So he was really nice but I'd dressed in jeans and he'd worn a suit and I think that was kind of like the ending of Grease

when they're both trying to please each other. I think that's what we'd done. And he was a really big Arsenal fan. Oh God, I wonder what he's going to say. I'm frightened. Carry on. And he had an Arsenal belt. That's what a fan he was. Wow. Right. He had an Arsenal

belt? Well, yeah. Okay. That's not a bad thing, but with a suit. I always like a date to be wearing some sort of memorabilia. Yes. It shows their interest. I usually actually wear a replica shirt on a first date. He looked really nice. Did he have a bottle hat or anything like that?

Oh, he's quite old. There's Roberto Cavalli over there. Excuse me. Okay, sorry. Does he play for Chelsea? I don't know who that is. Anyway, he was really, really nice. Linky's an 18th century Italian painter.

Look, we've got the news coming up, so why don't we have some adverts? And just save this, because I want to know exactly what happened on that date. That's the morning! Frank, we've had an impression request. Oh, really? Yeah, directed at you.

Jim says, Frank, can you do your Kenneth Williams impression that you did on Fantasy Football what was that the idea is it's a combination of Kenneth Williams with a World War 2 fighter plane so it goes like this I'll take a deep breath Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm worried about you still breathing. Matron. That's it. Yes. So, anyway, the date. Okay. You just want me to talk because you can't breathe. No, I'm always purple this time of the month.

That was very good. Thank you very much. Oh, yes, so the date. So, Joe, he was really lovely, but holy smoke, he was young. Compared to me, he was young. How young was he? He was... He was wearing an Arsenal belt. Yeah, he was.

Did he have a baseball cap on back to front? Was he wearing his football boots? Stop it! You're both horrible. Well, they are teachers of young now, you see. You're probably expecting someone with a pipe and a tweed jacket. But all that's changed now. We had lots in common, though, because he was saying he can't swear in front of the kids

and obviously I can't swear on the show. So we talked about that, which was good. We talked about not swearing. Yeah, a little bit of it. Sounds good. No, it was. I had a really, really nice evening

but I think I have to set him free to be with a nice young girl. So he's listening to this now. Yeah. So he's basically being dumped on air. He's not being dumped, Frank, because I think we both realised that the age gap was too insurmountable. OK.

Fine. That's fine. Is that how you ended the date? No, I didn't say that. How do we feel this went? Well, it's a pity because... Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I imagine that him reading about the 66-year-old mother this week

has probably given him hope. Thanks, Skinner. Well, it means he doesn't have to rush into anything. You've got another... So it's not going to... Oh, well, if you're listening, Teacher Joe, Emily did like you, didn't you? I really, really liked you, too.

I feel a bit like Cilla Black now when she talks to him after the holiday. Should we find Teacher Joe. Emily did like you, didn't you? I really, really liked Teacher Joe. I feel a bit like Cilla Black now when she talks to him after the holiday and one night... Should we find Teacher Joe someone else? I feel responsible now for his future happiness. Okay, if anyone wants to go out with Teacher Joe, just, um, we'll just give you his number. We'll read his number out later. No, we won't do that.

We won't. That'd be terrible. I don't think we should imagine... I think he needs a little period of bereavement to get over this. Yeah, I imagine he'd be off women from now on. Yeah, especially old women. Off the top. Come on. Oh, my word. Chris Moyle's called.

He wants his remarks back. I was doing my Chris Moyle's impression, obviously. It's a great one, may I say. Come on, you Leeds United. Okay. obviously it's a great one may i say united okay so you didn't say what you wanted to be when you were a kid by the way i wanted to be a preacher i grew up my family used to go to church and i thought that was coming Wasn't that marvellous, you've gone red That was very good

I don't know why you've used that song And not the song that goes with my nickname Sex machine Yes, well we're having it overhauled at the moment Hey, can you imagine if we'd have all been on a road trip together? Professor of Sweeties, Cowboy Frank and Father Gareth. It would have been like a fabulous stagecoach journey in an old cowboy film. Like a Johnny Cash song.

It would have been me saying this. Oh, Padre, where are you going? Why, thank you, ma'am, I will have a candy. Would you care to have an aniseed twist, father? Ain't you working an academic institution, ma'am? Well, you sure are. Not just a pretty lady, but a very intelligent one. Mmm, these are good.

Is that licorice I detect? Now then, Padre, don't bore us with the good book. What did you do before you was a holy man? I'm loving it. I'm moving on the chair with the stagecoach. I would have been a bit disparaging about you. I would have referred to you as the American, I think. Right, OK.

I'd say you would have been an English professor over here. Oh, yeah, posh professor of Sweden. I'd say, probably having some meetings with the professor at Hershey's about their stuff. So when did you decide you didn't want to be a preacher man? Because we should point, the reason I add that jingle to hand there is because we've established before on this show that Gareth is the son of, not just the son of a preacher man, but one of a long line.

The son of the son of a preacher man. Yeah. That would have been a bit of a mouthful for the song. Well, it would have been. The son of the son of a preacher man. It would be like have been a bit of a mouthful for the song. Well, it would have been. The son of the son of a preacher man. It would be like she was rapping. Yeah, but if you've got a scratching DJ. Son of the son of a preacher man.

So your granddad was a preacher man. Yes. And your dad. Yes. And how did they feel about you being a comedian then? I think they're very pleased. My dad has stopped being a preacher man. Oh.

So, yeah, no. Of his own volition. It's quite similar, isn't it? It's quite. What are you suggesting? He's suggesting some sort of controversy no no he decided it was um best not to best not to be a preacher man okay did he was he mid-sermon or something i said ah i've had enough you know what i'm not sure about this whole situation yeah preach preach preach who needs it i'll tell you what i need you know what i I'm not sure about this whole situation. Yeah, no, preach, preach, preach. Who needs you?

I'll tell you what I need. You know what I really need more than anything else? It's the four. Absolute Radio. That was the four. Jawbone in the air, I thought. I'm eating, which is not very professional. But I've got lots of news.

This is Frank Skarn, Absolute Radio, with Emily and Gareth. And, and, Alistair McGowan has entered the room, ladies and gentlemen. If you want me to take over from you while you're eating, Frank, I can do your links for you. Hopefully nobody will notice the difference. Oh, that's good. Is it good? You see, you can't tell yourself. Here's another track from the fall.

It is good. Is it? Oh, no. So, Alistair, you're doing impressions again because you stopped didn't you i stopped yeah i just why well we've been doing it i've been doing it for like 15 20 years and i thought i'd run out of people to do run out of enthusiasm and so just needed those other things i wanted to do so i've done my other things and suddenly my ego woke up and went oh remember me so you've been doing impressions for 20 years yeah i mean the first one i started doing was uh well when i did the circuit like 89 i started and i was you know doing on people like

trevor brook in all those sort of people in those days and uh and the likes of jimmy sablin people and it's gone right through to this the end of the show that we did the tv show is about 2005 so it's just so many and they were all just just dancing around in my head and i thought i can't make anybody not sound like somebody else now. But then there's this new clutch of people, like the Gokwans of this world and people who've come through, and hey, girlfriend, I just can't wait to do them. You know, Brick Smith, who's on the Gokwan show,

is the ex-wife of Marky Smith, who's the lead singer of The Fall. You see, it's all that seven thingies of separation. It all comes back to The Fall, basically. Exactly, it does. So you're going back on the fall. You see, it's all that seven thingies of separation. It all comes back to the fall, basically. Exactly, it does. So you're going back on the road. On the road and on the rails. I'm going to try and do this tour half on the railway, if I can. Oh, of course.

Some green leanings. Yes. He's got green leanings. I've got green leanings. That was lovely. I don't know who did them, but they're beautiful. Are we allowed to ask Alistair to do people, or is that like a normal bloke in the past?

No, because impression is hate that. He said I was. He said I was allowed. Okay. How can you tell from there? That's brilliant. Do you know who that is? No.

Do it again, Alistair. How can you tell from there? Is it... It's Alan Davis, isn't it? It's Alan Davis. That's very... That was really good. We got caught offside in a football game I played with him years ago, isn't it? It's Alan Davis. That was really good. We got caught offside in a football game I played with him years ago.

And he lost it with a lineman. How can you tell from there? Oh, how can you tell? How can you tell from there? You remember these things. But yeah, back on the road, back on the rails. In the autumn, actually, but Edinburgh Festival first. I'm copying what you did. I read your book.

Oh, because you've had ten years doing your whole set oh fabulous better than minded not the banana rating but we weren't no don't no down to the banana rating that'd be that'd be terrible yeah so um you're doing edinburgh first of all and you're not i just looked at the things we're supposed to plug today and I'm happy to plug but you've got so many things going on now because you're in Edinburgh but you're not just doing the stand up in Edinburgh you're also doing a what is the other thing it's like a review

it's a show about Noel Coward it's Noel Coward I directed a play last year at my old drama school Guildhall and the students were absolutely brilliant but we did a play an obscure play by Noel Coward and I got to know all his poems and his songs. We should say that Noel Coward is a very famous English sort of... I think of him as a playwright, but he wrote songs and everything.

Yeah, most of his plays he wrote in the mid-twenties, really. But he's sort of known for those posh plays, if you like, but he wrote the most beautiful poems and the most amazingly lyrical songs, and so I just wanted to do a show that highlights those songs and poems. And you're doing him, innit? No, not really. I'll do him at one point just because there's one of the poems that's written and it's signed, you know, Yoltsin Silly, Noel Coward. So I've got to do it

as Coward really. But the rest, no, we've sort of dramatised them and made them into little stories about people of all social classes. Will you wear a silk dressing gown and have a cigarette holder? I shall think about it. I think you should. Of course, make sure you don't accidentally lapse into Hugh Hefner at that point. So, look, you've given us now,

we're going to have just a brief period of asking you to do people, then we'll let you off the hook. Only if you do your John Bond again. OK. Do you remember John Bond? Yeah, of course I remember John Bond. Oh, well, there you go. It was good, wasn't it? It was very good. Can I just say, when Alistair came in, though, he said my impression was good. He didn't say anything about your impression, Gareth, or your there you go. It was good, wasn't it? It was very good. Can I just say, when Alistair came in, though, he said my impression was good.

He didn't say anything about your impression, Gareth, or your impression, Frank. That's because he's a very charming fellow, but not necessarily that honest. What I like to tell about your David Mitchell is that you've chosen something that, well, like John Bond, that no one had done before. It wasn't like, oh, let's all do Sean Connery. It was David Mitchell, which is really left field. Yeah, but you condemn me for only being able to do one word of Speaker Martin. Order!

Order! But you only did about six words of David Mitchell. Obscure ones are brilliant when you get them and you realise people actually do know. One of my favourites is Trevor Francis and people don't see him so much nowadays but obviously you and I grew up with him and being in the Midlands and everything as well, playing for Birmingham well and he's got this really unusual accent

it was always one of my favourites but as I say nobody really knows Trevor Francis I'm sure people know Trevor Francis I like your Graham Norton, can I hear that? That's my first request No, not yours Will it lift your private hearing need to run? It's endlessly fascinating.

Do you ever get stuck with people on planes and stuff who say, and then can you do, and then can you do, and then can you do? No, not really, only on radio shows. Oh, no, you make us feel bad. You give us permission. Yes. What I'd like to hear is, can I just ask you this? Are there people you can do who you don't do?

Because, for various reasons. Because I do quite a good, I don't even know if I should say this out here, I do quite a good Enoch Powell. Now, for those of you who don't know Enoch Powell, he was a, well, let's call him a right-wing politician from the 1960s and 70s. I mean, very right-wing in some respects. And I think I did quite a good Enoch Powell.

Along with your David Mitchell, you can only do him saying one word. I can only do him saying one sentence. And it's from quite a horrible speech that he did. So I can't do that, you see. It's very frustrating.

I could perhaps do the first bit. Do you do bookings? Because the BMP are doing quite well at the moment. Maybe you could get some work out of that. No, but I'm making the point. It's an impression I don't want. OK. While we're on that political party,

there was a thing on the news about going to meet the Queen. And the guy is not going to go and meet the Queen. Oh, yeah, yeah. But next week, the French Open starts. on the news about going to meet the Queen and the guy is not going to go and meet the Queen because he's with the party but next week the French Open starts and I don't know if you've noticed this

but for the last 20 years at least I've watched the French Open on whatever BBC2 sometimes and it's sponsored by the Banque Nationale de Paris

so every year when the French Open is on television the initials BMB are plastered across the television because of the tennis at the French Open

I bet they're using that as a... They probably will. I wouldn't be surprised. But no, because it's French, isn't it? Yeah, you're right. They wouldn't like that. What I'd like to know, Alistair, is you must have a whole new batch.

So we're going to let you off the hook after this because we're not going to keep... I am. What? Make him keep doing it. Oh, no, you're not. I'm forbidding it because i can see he's thinking now i've had enough i've said it in my throat it's out in my throat like the roman i seem to see um so you must be doing new people so is the one that that's absolutely hot off the press you could

preview on this show? They never spring to mind properly. I mean, when I was coming to the studio, I noticed actually that Jarvis has got his new album out, hasn't he? And, you know, it's strange sometimes when people like, I used to do Jarvis years ago, and he's kind of disappeared, you know what I mean? And then suddenly he comes back

into favour, because he's got his new album out. So something like that is great to do, because it's just like, it sounds like it's new, but it ain't, because it's from years ago album out so someone like that is great to do because they're just like it sounds like it's new but it ain't because it's like from years ago it occurs to me that if we kept you on this show on a retainer we just never need book another guest you could just come on

and do that person every week. The other one who I enjoy doing lately is and again he's somebody who's like come back into favour is Gary Barlow you know because he you know what I mean he's somebody who's come back into favour he's Gary Barlow hey do you know what I mean he's like really just so slow

he's like the slowest bloke you've ever been talking all your life it's just unbelievably slow that's such a comedian thing as well to watch out for people coming back into the news. Completely.

God, I can't tell you how pleased me and many other comedians were when we went into the Gulf for the second time, because we had all that Gulf War material from the first time around. I mean, the day the Queen Mother died, I sobbed quite openly. I lost at least 12 minutes of material. But things do come back. You remember years ago we used to work with Lee Hurst, don't we?

Lee Hurst was doing all sorts of comedy at the time, TV and radio, and staff of Lee Hurst was everywhere. And now you do your Lee Hurst impression, don't really get much now. But I realise, if you mix Lee Hurst with David Beckham,

you get Ronnie O'Sullivan, which is, because Beckham obviously, you know, is very shy, and he's very confident and all that. And if you put Ronnie O'Sullivan, he's got Beckham's voice,

but he's got Lee's attitude, so you've got to put them both together and you get it out and Snoopers is just a game for me I don't care about Snoopers It's endlessly entertaining Anyway look someone sent me an album by a band called Let's Wrestle

and I thought I'll stick it on and I'll have a listen because nobody sends me the reason I took this job was to get free CDs. I've had about four in three months. But this album turned up by Let's Wrestle. It's brilliant. It's brilliant.

And this is my favourite track. I think what I really like about this, I really love a backing vocal. Absolute Radio. So, Alice, you've also, apart from, let me just go through it, you've got a tour starting in September. Yeah.

But before that, you're doing a stand-up, an impression show, and a show about Noel Coward in Edinburgh. You've got a radio series coming up. You've got a film coming out. You've got a play that you've written about to be staged. And you've got a book out. We haven't got time for all that. Tell us about the book.

The book, I've been writing it with Ronnie Ancoda, and it's called A Matter of Life or Death, subtitled How to Wean a Man Off Football. And it's really about me giving up football. I don't like the sound of it. Could you give up football for a year? Definitely not. No.

See, that's what I try to do, and it's like an addiction, I think, and people don't really realise. The whole male-female attitude to football is fascinating. We're being gender-specific here and probably stereotyping, but the majority of women can't stand football and the majority of men love it, you know. And it's always a source of argument in relationships and that's really what the book is about. That it is an addiction, like smoking and drinking

and you can't give it up. And I tried for you to give it up and it was like, hell. When you say give up football, do you mean going to games? The whole thing. Like not being aware of anything. Not reading the back pages and not talking about all that. The obsession with football. Everything.

And the hardest thing for me, as I put in the book, is not reading the results and particularly not knowing the attendances. I just somehow have this OCD thing about needing to know. I think I could live without knowing the attendances, to be honest, especially at West Prom. But no, it's a fascinating... And you did it religiously for a year. I tried to yeah and the book is about about that struggle to give up but I gave up slowly bit

by bit by bit and then eventually nothing for several months. So how does the book work then so Ronnie and Kona write some parts and you write some other parts or you write together? Yeah well there's times where we come together and talk about it so there's dialogue between the two it's about football and about our relationship as well and about some a bit about the working together so there's some reminiscences in it too but it's essentially about male female attitudes to football and her trying to stop me from taking part in it at all and seeing the folly of an absolute addiction to it really and i've been i've tempered it since i've tempered it but it's so easy now i mean we grew up in the generation where it was much of the day football focus and shoot magazine that was it and you think

now it's Sky Super Sunday all day, it's Monday night football, it's football every night of the week. Yeah, you can watch J League, you can watch Dutch League and everything. You can watch non-stop 24 hour football and read about it and do nothing else and I think that that's almost dangerous. I mean, I'm an addict from what I was exposed to as a child

but now, football is so huge. Is it so huge? I'll tell you how huge football is now. If someone has actually emailed in and said, can Frank do his John Bond impression again? She says that... It's her name's Susan. And she says, my husband was out of the room when you did it

and I knew that he knew John Bond and he wants to hear it. So could you please do your John Bond impression? Does it say what the husband's called? No, it doesn't, I'm afraid. Well, the impression goes, It's terribly important, Jim. That's it. That's all I can say as John Bond.

Can you name the three clubs he managed? He managed Man City, Norwich... Four clubs. He played for West Ham. I don't think you ever managed them, did you? No, I don't think so. Southampton as well.

Didn't you manage Southampton? Did I? Norwich. Man City. Bournemouth. OK. I thought you managed Southampton. Anyway, this is...

I think this has gone a bit far. It's an addict. That's why I had it. Yes, I think you were right. You were right to give it up, I have to say. So, you're off now. And you're doing the Hay Festival aren't you yeah Hay Festival

tomorrow and so am I I'm driving like a lunatic obviously within the speed limits after this show and I'm on my way

to the Hay Festival I've never been before I'm looking forward to it I've never been before either no thank goodness there's a quick request

for Alistair have we got time I'll go on the Ross Kemple David Tennant I don't do either thank God that didn't take very long at all. Alistair, go and see Alistair in High or Seam in Edinburgh

or Seam on the Road. He's very, very funny. Thank you, Alistair. That was a great finale too, wasn't it? No, I can't do that. Yes, obviously. And always remember, you can't do everything. The finale in the show will be better than that.

Absolute Radio. Foo Fighters fighters times like these foo everybody was foo fighters that's what they should record that wasn't me doing it by the way i thought oh he's lost it he's lost his speaker martin thing so after this show i'm i'm to leap into my car, drive to Hay, which is something like 180 miles away. Then I'm going to do a quiz show for BBC4 called What the Dickens. Is that Sandy Toksvig? It is Sandy Toksvig.

I love her. Yes, I'm assuming that it's a quiz just about Charles Dickens. So I've read his complete works this week. Excellent. And I've memorised large passages and I've worked out a bit of material I've got a whole sort of John Dice versus John Dice routine and a little bit of

I do a kind of a My Mutual Friend bit where I do all the voices and stuff so I'm looking forward to that and then in the evening I'm doing a book reading at the Hay Festival in which I read from my book which is because it actually came out last year, but it's coming out in paperback now. So because it's cheap now, you do a whole round to try and sell it

to the people who, you know, were not going to buy a hardback. I personally hate a hardback. Do you? Why? Because it's heavy for carrying. I thought as it went about going to Hay, I thought, oh, I'll take that book. And then I thought, oh, no, I'm going to take a hardback. Too heavy.

Well, what book are you talking... I mean, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire is heavy. No, any hardback. Jackie Collins' hardbacks aren't heavy. I don't want anything with sharp corners in my luggage. And a hardback... You know, there's something lovely about a paperback. You just read it and, you know, dispose of it.

It's great. But a hardback, it feels like something your granny's bought you. It's got that stupid... They make the book and then they put a cover as if they've... Oh, we forgot to put a picture on the book. We've got to wrap something around it. Like when you used to cover your rough book at school in wallpaper. I hate hardback.

I said to the publisher, let's not do the hardback. We're outraged. That's where they make all the money, you see, the hardback. Anyway, you don't want to hear about mine yet. That's what I'm doing today, if there's any burglars listening. We've got some final emails from the... We asked people to text in what they wanted to be when they grew up, before they grew up.

And Wayne from Washington wanted to be a big issue man. Right. Selling the big issue. I wonder if that worked out. I wonder if his dream came true. Let's hope so. Barrack from Washington. Paul wanted to be a wavenologist.

I guess that's someone who studies waves. It's jolly that I'd be an oceanographer. Oh, I'm postulating that. No, I don't know. Maybe if there's a specialist wave. A professor of waves. Beck texted in, who is Daisy's sister, who Daisy is one of the people who works on the show,

and she said Daisy and I wanted to run a taxi rack called Julie's when we were little. A taxi rack? A taxi rack. No idea why we had it. Nobody wants a taxi rack. Why was it called Julie, Daisy? Why are they Julie's? Because my auntie was called Julie. Oh, well, fair enough. Daisy's why was it called Julie Daisy why are they Julies

because my auntie was called Julie oh well fair enough Daisy's auntie is called Julie did she run a taxi rank no no and we never

ever had taxis I don't know it seemed very glamorous like a big issue it's odd that because I had a taxi rank called Auntie Doreen which people didn't

that's the end of the show I'm afraid but thanks for texting in you've been lovely Thanks to Alistair McGowan who's gone now off to work And we'll be back next Saturday won't we? We will Good day to you

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio With Swiftcover.com For car insurance prices that'll blow you away Get a life. Get Swift Cover at swiftcover.com. Absolute Radio.