The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Alun Cochrane

Episode Date: August 3, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth broadcast from Birmingham as Frank prepares to be inducted in to the Walk Of Stars. Alun Cochrane is this week's guest and Frank talks to West Brom's new manager Roberto Di Matteo on the phone.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've received a thumbs up from my producer. It's alright, I quite like to.

So welcome to the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio podcast. That's what I'm calling it. I'm here with Emily and Gareth. Hello. Hello. It sounds a bit hanged up. You see what's happened is because we record these after the show, the adrenaline's dropped now.

During the show we were mildly hysterical, I would say. We were. But that's because you got to speak to someone very special i did yes but i did that every oh you spot that was going to be a compliment and you spilt it now yes i got to speak to the new west fromage albion manager uh if you but if you don't like football don't panic because it's it's we talk about all sorts of things and if you're a lady you'll like it because he had quite sexy voice i thought yes it's the Italian thing, isn't it? Yeah, I love it.

And Alan Cochran was on the comedian. He was very good, I thought. He will be good, I mean, when you listen to it in a minute. And we're in Birmingham. That's the unique thing about this week's show, for reasons that you will discover as you listen to this podcast. So I really hope you'll enjoy it. You know, it matters to me and I know it matters to my colleagues.

Am I correct? Yes. So do, do listen and laugh. Absolute Radio. Oh, it is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in Birmingham, can you believe it? I know. It's so exciting. I've got some special jingles. What about this?

Going back to Birmingham! Quick, but all right. If you don't get that quick, he says, way down in Alabama, which slightly spoils the whole thing. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, live from Birmingham with Emily and Gareth. And obviously we're all here, but they stayed in a hotel last night. Yeah, we did.

How was that? Well, it was all right, but the air con was broken. I know that sounds a bit princessy. Not never, you. No, but it was making a noise, which I compared to the sound of someone stirring a metal broth. You know when someone's stirring a metal broth? I hate it when people do that.

So, yeah, so I'm a bit sleep deprived, but I love Birmingham. I love it. You've never been before, I should find out. No, it's my first time. But the guys are very appreciative. That's why I like it. You get a good, you know, they look at you in a really nice before, I should find out. No, it's my first time. But the guys are very appreciative. That's why I like it. You get a good, you know, they look at you in a really nice way, I think. Do you mean their leer and lech?

Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Yeah, I quite like that as well. Took me years to get that out of my system. Now I find out women like it. Can't believe it. Well, I had a fact. I went to the, we're at BRMB. Can you allow me to say that?

I've said it now. They're letting us use their station. So we're in a studio in BRMB. And I do want to notice to you that I went to the toilet earlier and the door, you know, sometimes you push a door, a swinging door, and it's surprisingly hard. Perhaps this doesn't happen to you younger people. But I went to push it and it didn't move.

I had to get a bit more purchase i had to readjust my feet position to get it open it's just to get into the toilet i mean i mean i could have i could have pulled something and i had i went to the test match yesterday at edgebaston oh yeah which was um fabulous i mean very exciting cricket and i I sat with Trevor Francis, the former famous footballer. Yes, I know him. And John Major. What was he like? I had quite a long chat with him.

I didn't know this, but if you're a prime minister, you get security for the rest of your life. Wow. So everywhere he goes... People always ask him. People always... Yeah. Yeah, so there was two... I mean, they're not very apparent, but yeah, he said to me he hadn't been anywhere on his own for 31 years.

I think that's really glamorous, having close protection. I think that's very glamorous. Well, I said I'd quite like it, and I was thinking about it, particularly longingly this morning when I woke up at 4am in my flat in Birmingham. What I assume were hooded youths outside. I had an image of my car being upside down and on fire. Gareth and I are like your bouncers now.

That's what I like to think of us as. Yes. Although you're in trouble if anyone does seriously try to do anything. Do you think John Major became Prime Minister just so he didn't have to be alone ever again? Well, it's a nice idea. If you're a lonely person by nature, I suppose it is a good thing. I mean, I like having...

He said, you know, sometimes it gets on your nerves. And he said if he insisted, he could get rid of them, you know. But who'd do that? Was there someone standing by while he was with Edwina Curry? Or do you think they stayed outside the room? He's my mate now. I'm not going to refer to that. He's Shobie's mate.

He's my new mate. Emily, do you think there was someone in the room while he was with Edwina Curry? Oh, yeah. I'm still in charge here. I'm in Birmingham now. I'm on my own patch. But it was very...

If I had two security guards with me, I'd just walk into pubs and be lippy with big gloves, try to lure them into a bit of... Yeah, what are you doing, mate, lads? And they've got those, like, wiry bits behind their ears. Oh, man, it must be brilliant. Absolute radio. So why am I in Birmingham?

That's what you're asking yourselves, you people listening, our beloved listeners. Well, I'll tell you. I'm getting a star on the Birmingham Walk of Stars. It's very exciting. It is very exciting if you're in Birmingham. A lot of people might not have heard of it, but you know that thing in Hollywood where they have stars on the pavement? I mean stars, not stars on the pavement, obviously.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr. a few years back. But, yeah, well, they have got one of them in Birmingham. So it's like Ozzy Osbourne was the first one. He got a star. And Jasper Carrot's got one. I saw one yesterday. Outside Flair's nightclub, I saw Noddy Holder. When you say Flair's nightclub,

I don't know if you're giving the right image of Birmingham. I don't think we're locked in the 70s in any way. But yes. Yeah, Noddy Holder I saw. I hope you're near him. And of course Noddy Alder was the other. Yeah, Noddy Alder has got a star. Yeah, which is, I mean, you know, I'm in good company.

There's some odd ones. Maury Walker's got a star. Oh, I didn't even know he was from Birmingham. I had no idea he was from Birmingham. If I haven't met anyone from Birmingham who knew he was from Birmingham, it's no idea he was from Birmingham. If I haven't met anyone from Birmingham who knew he was from Birmingham, it's something he obviously kept very much to himself. And also, the Archers have got a star.

All of them? The series itself. Oh, OK. One particular actor. And then it says, like, in brackets, the... I mean, some of them are quite... There's loads of scripts on some of the various qualifications and explanations of how they got them.

But mine just says Frank Skinner. And then there's a picture of a microphone. Oh. of scripts on some of the various qualifications and explanations of how they got them but mine just says frank skinner and then there's a picture of a microphone oh hey is there going to be like a lord mayor and is it going to be all four oh the lord mayor is going to present i love it i love a man and he's got the proper you know that has he got chain he's got he's got enough to chain could be anybody you don't just wear the chain. He wears the red coat and the two, you know, the two-point hat. You know what? That's a bit. Two-point hat sounds like two-point hat children.

It doesn't. What did you say? It sounds a bit Henry VIII. Well, I don't know. I think the Lord Mayor's the slim line. I don't know. It could be, you know, nowadays, it could be a woman. So I thought that when we just thought about that.

Oh, yeah. People were thinking then, was that all right to say? It's perfectly all right to say. Obviously it would be a Lord Mayoress, but a Mayoress is a fantastic thing to me. So, yeah, anyway, that's why I'm in Birmingham. So we're going to do the show and then we do various other things. And I think about five o'clock I'll be meeting the Lord Mayor.

His worship, the Lord Mayor. Do I call him your worship? Yes. Your eminency, I'm going to call him. Your eminency. Why not? Yeah. He's not going to not like that, is he?

Right, OK. I'm going to call him Eminem for short. I'm going to say that halfway through that I'm having a bit of a meh. In fact, I'm having a bit of a lord meh. That's how bad a day it's been. Oh, dear. So, yeah, so that's what's happening. And I'm being slightly jocular, but I am quite excited about it

because it'll mean that people will be able to say, well, I'll meet you at Frank Skinner at 8 o'clock and they can meet me at the start it's actually on a street called Broad Street in Birmingham so it'll also mean that it'll be covered in vomit most weekends and you know I often was on the pavement in Broad Street

covered in vomit so I'm ok with that Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Yes this is a frank skinner on absolute radio with emily and gareth we are in birmingham did you read the thing in the paper that in germany you can buy this is like a practical joke thing you can buy bikinis um that uh and you give them to like you know your girlfriend or whatever and. And then once they go into the water, they dissolve after two minutes. Oh, my God.

That's horrible. I'd give that to a girl I didn't like. I'd do that. I'd give her a present and go, hi, I bought you a bikini. Yeah, you would do that, wouldn't you? I wouldn't really. I'd be suspicious if somebody bought me, obviously they bought me a bikini. But wouldn't you?

The idea is apparently that you do it, if you've got an ex, if you split up and you hate your ex-girlfriend you give her a bikini and humiliate her. Alright, so it's a wrench it's a wrench? It's a revenge bikini. It's a revenge bikini, yeah. So this is what they do in Germany apparently.

I don't know what's gone wrong with the old-fashioned abusive phone call. Yeah, or sewing prawns in the curtain hem, you know,s in the curtain hem. You know, that's what I do. Is that some sort of terrible euphemism I don't want to work out? Sewing prawns in the curtain hem. And then they'll think, what's that horrible smell? And then they'll never know.

It's the prawns in the curtain hem. I think that would be a nice title for your memoir, should you ever write them. From now on, I'm going to call you Prawns in the Curtain Hem. It's Hidden Shallows, my my memoir i told you that it's very verified yeah so i've never i mean it's a bit unkind this one isn't it the dissolving bikini it could be worse it could be like the dissolving yeah dinghy for the non-swimming ex-girlfriend. That obviously would be a little bit harsher. The dissolving ambulance.

Someone caused an ambulance. And it's raining. Something else that was dissolving. I had a bit more time, I would have thought something funny in an ambulance. We don't have time now for you to workshop stuff. It has to come out ready. Something that's important,

that if it dissolved, then that would be bad. That was the sort of thing I was after. A bit like the dissolving dinghy joke. Yeah, dissolving dinghy. Some 15 minutes ago. Stop it, you two. I don't really like practical jokes, though. I used to do them a lot when I was a kid.

Like? I don't know if I should say they're so bad. Oh, I don't care. OK. I had a babysitter called Mrs. Lion, and I did a wee in a glass and said, Mrs. Lion, I've brought you some apple juice. And did she say,

I'm imagining she was Mrs. Lion, the white rolling rat would be called Mr. Rat. And she drank the apple juice. No, of course she went, this is very warm. Oh, no. She knew. This is very warm and tastes of urine. Yeah, she was no fool, Mrs Lion. Oh, sorry about that.

Would you like one of my brownies? That would have been unpleasant. And once I put... No, I just finished an antelope. Sorry, Mrs Lion. Shouldn't she be Mrs Lioness if we go on the mayor-ess? Did you sell a dolphin into an anorak? No, but once...

Yeah, because she was out and she could hear... What is that noise? Is that my iPod? My mum and dad and my whole family once on April Fool's Day, they did a really good trick on me where I was sleeping in in the morning. And they moved house no they said they set the fire alarm off right the smoke alarm and then i so i got up and rushed out in my pajamas yeah and they were all waiting there in the hallway for me i said gareth gareth, Gareth, there's a fire, there's a fire! Do you live in a hotel?

It's an odd thing in a house, isn't it? I think it's your house. It was a corridor. Our house, it was when we lived in Cornwall and it was quite long and thin. Vicar's on a lot of money these days. Well, it wasn't a vicar then. Oh, okay.

His dad's a vicar, isn't he? He's a preacher. He's not an anglican anyway so what happened um so we ran i didn't mean to say anglican in quite that sounded like yeah not fine it's not the fire and brimstone the fire type certainly um and um yeah well and then then I ran out outside of the house and then they all laughed at me. So they all ran through the house with me until I got outside in my pyjamas and then they all laughed at me. Yeah, and then they locked the door and didn't let you in for,

I think it was almost two months. And then while I was out, they sewed a jellyfish into my duvet cover. Yeah. Oh, I hate that. Absolute. Radio. Yeah, I did a practical joke on uh david but he's an ex-girlfriend i used to live with him right and his girlfriend used to stop a lot they weren't married and uh she went to a fancy dress party as cat woman and she had like this headband

like one of those solid plastic headband things with big ears. Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with them. And a few months later, I found the headband with the ears on. So I got in at about two in the morning or something, and I lay in bed for a bit, and then I got up, and I wedged the plastic band with the ears sticking out into the cat flap. So there was just two big black pointy ears sticking out the cat flap. And then I really rattled the door. And Dave had come out of bed and went, oh, God!

She was so gullible, Dave. He thought it was like a giant cat. I bet he's quite easy to wind up. Oh, God. I mean, he's a very intelligent man. He's told me many times. But he's a double first at Cambridge, in case he stops just so he doesn't have to text

him and uh but um it's so gullible it's unbelievable i once put a plastic frog in his bedroom but one of that and it was one of those african day glow tree frog things and he says oh god there's a frog in my bedroom can you get rid of it and i went in there he hit the cat for bringing it in which i felt slightly bad about but uh you know if you're going to make an omelette and uh and then he was hiding in the en suite while i dealt with the frog i picked it up put it in my mouth and went and he came out and screamed he thought the frog had leapt into my mouth it's a strange old world anyway if you've you've ever done a practical joke or if you've ever been the victim of a good one, then give us a text.

We're on 8-12-15. And we don't have any emails. No emails today. No. We don't have the technology. You can only text. They don't have them in Birmingham yet. They've only just got Christianity.

And Flair's Nightclub. And Flair's Nightclub. So Flair's Nightclub is just they actually fire flares in there at the cost of it. But I think that's all right. So, yeah, 8, 12, 15, and give us a text about your practical jocular. My chair's really squeaking. Listen. Oh, I thought that was your spine.

I didn't want to mention it. Now, yeah, we're on different chairs today. I know. You have to live with that okay okay i think that i think that's okay don't don't give me a hard time about all right um what was we're going to talk about sleeping work so what we was talking about sleeping so we have these conversations and then i forget oh yeah apparently how you sleep you know when you fall asleep next to your partner well i wouldn't because it's been a while yeah um that

dictates what your relationship will be like so if you don't have kind of compatible sleeping habits that's really bad news that's like a really key thing oh no you know if someone's okay so i used to go out with the guy you know the comedian i went out with yes which one i think we've established previously you went out with the cast of dad's army over a period of two years. He used to say to me that... You have been sleeping with... Oh, he was lovely, Clive.

He used to say to me that sleeping next to me was like sleeping next to a tumble dryer. Clive Donne said that. No! He's a bit more poetic than I had him. Sleeping next to a tumble dryer. Yeah, that's what it was like because apparently i toss and turn so much oh thank god for that i think you slept with your front door up absolute radio so yeah i uh my sleeping i used to go out with a woman and

we slept together i know and uh she was she was such a difficult person. I'm not going to name her. I can guess who it is, though. No, you can't. And she was such a difficult person. I remember being in bed with her once. The light had been off, you know, maybe an hour. I was asleep, half asleep, whatever.

And we were lying facing each other. And I rolled over over so turning my back to her and i had to go well thanks very much now that's a lot of pressure if that if turning your back on somebody in bed is a bit of a moment a bit of a difficult moment and you know that if i find it unreasonable you're in trouble exactly yeah yeah it's a difficult thing. I do. You know, because you try and cuddle and stuff, but Laura and I... How do you know? When we, like...

You try and cuddle. It's nice cuddling for a bit, but I can't go to sleep with anyone touching me. Oh, no. Do you know what I mean? Like, you start cuddling for a while and you go, oh, this is nice, and then you get to the point where you can't possibly

bear the touch of another person for a second longer. And I think we both do. We both sort of have to throw the other person away throw them away that's throw them away into the bin and then you've got to find a whole new partner yeah well someone told me that he'd slept with uh a lady and uh she'd he'd gone to sleep like with his arm around her neck, kind of thing. So he'd gone to sleep in the first place. No, that's not true. And she'd fallen asleep sort of on his arm, and he couldn't move his arm.

All the blood drained out of his arm. So she was lying on, like, sort of like the bicep, and he couldn't feel his hand or any of his forearm, and he became worried that it might go white and fall off. But he didn't want to wake her up because it was like the first time they'd slept together and he didn't want to cause a scene. Now, that is ridiculous. Did he lose the arm?

Yeah, I'm afraid he did. I was going to leave that bit out this early in the morning, but yes, he lost the arm. But, you know, in an economic... You've got to lose a few arms. We have, Frank. You know, we were asking people about practical jokes. Yes.

I was here. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Coxie in Felixstowe says, I used to work for Virgin Atlantic as cabin crew. We used to have butterballs. Are they called Absolute Atlantic now? Oh, yes, I believe they are.

Oh, good. We used to have butterballs in Aren't they called Absolute Atlantic now? Oh yes, I believe they are. We used to have butterballs in upper class. You know those posh butterballs? That sounds like a nickname of one of the stewards. That's when you get a bit sweaty on a plane. Sorry. Just because we're in Birmingham, don't get carried away. Let me finish reading it. We used to have butterballs in upper class.

Posh, all that. We used to cover them in coffee granules and give them to the new cabin crew saying they were chocolate truffles. That's quite good. Yeah. I bet no one ever complains. I imagine that butter balls covered in coffee granules is actually quite nice. Yeah.

You don't seem convinced. I don't think I'd be ordering it. Well, no, it would be an outlandish thing to order. My mum says she used to to in my mom's tales from her poor childhood she would roll balls is that her book yeah um if she'd roll balls of butter in sugar and eat them we used to do that for a sore throat if you had a sore throat really spoon a a spoonful of butter and then put it in the sugar bowl and then eat that. It didn't work, but I didn't mind it. Clogs up your arteries.

There's another text in from Jeff who says, as young teenagers, my sister and I were left upstairs in a small hotel. That doesn't sound good. Anyway, whilst the parents ate, we had a toy snake and dropped it below onto the entrance path. Hilarious mix of responses from macho male stamping to wimpy run away, run away. I like that.

I like it. I'm hoping it was one of those ridiculously obvious, Thomas Snake, that big men ran away. My brother did that. I've got two brothers, and my younger brother, Keith, stopped up late to watch The Outer Limits, which used to be quite a scary programme on the telly. And my other brother went upstairs to bed,

and he got a matchbox which he put on the telly and my other brother went upstairs to bed and he got a match box which he put on the end of his fishing rod loaded out the window and just tapped on the window with the match box and my dad got up my brother's fishing out the window at two in the morning which he thought odd and he went downstairs and my other brother was underneath the table hiding from the ghost oh family life frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio two tries by frankie goes to hollywood coincidentally there is an area of birmingham called hollywood oh i'm not saying i'm going to go there just for the purposes of that song but we're not too far away from there as we speak. That's true. There's also a place in Birmingham called Broadway,

which is another place in America. I don't even remember where that is, but I'll take your word. Have you been researching Birmingham? I have been researching Birmingham. Oh, my God, he's got loads of paper here full of facts. You sly old fox. What else? What else about Birmingham?

There are 30 Birminghams around the world and one crater on the moon that's called Birmingham. I never knew that. That's true. The chain of Odeon cinemas came from Birmingham. It started at Birmingham like a chain letter. The city of Birmingham has staged more major sporting events than any other UK city.

I find that hard to believe. It's absolutely from the internet, Drew. But what about London's got about 20 football clubs? More sporting events than... I think it's quantity, probably, rather than... I think probably they have a table tennis tournament every 20 minutes. I like that you're saying this like you know. You're just making it up and you've got it off the internet.

J.R.R. Tolkien is from Birmingham. J.R.R. Hartley is from Birmingham. Cadbury's Chocolate. Yes, it certainly is. Centenary Square is made up of... Yes, I know, right. We know now about... Someone has... Talking of sporting events, Frank,

someone has texted in to say, who is the bloke in the bow tie next to you at Edgbaston? They haven't said their name. That's a very good question. Who was it? I should point out the reason they asked me that is because apparently I was on... I went to the test yesterday and I was on telly.

You know, they have shots of celebrities in the crowd. I had about seven texts saying you'd just been on telly. It shows how long since I've last been on telly. People text me about a three-second shot during the cricket coverage. Nevertheless, I was sitting next to a bloke with a bow tie.

I spoke to him for quite a while. I've no idea though who he was. The bow tie made me think obviously he was somebody who might have developed the atom bomb. It seems to be those kind of scientific types of things. Or the late Frank Muir, I always say. I don't think it was the late Frank Muir.

They're very fashioned now, their bow ties. The new Doctor Who wears bow ties, doesn't he? Yeah, but it's not right. It wasn't him. I don't think it was him, unless, you know. Did he have an assistant? No, it wasn't him. He didn't have an assistant.

He had a small metal dog with him, looking back. Maybe, just maybe. Someone else has tweeted to say, someone called Stimpson Corner, I don't know if that's their real name, but that's their Twitter name. I like the fact they're called Stimpson Corner. Are they a character from an Oscar Wilde short story? Sir Boothby Stimpson Corder has arrived, sir. Oh, how tiresome.

Anyway. And I believe this is in a sort of Brummie accent. I can't do it, so I'm going to give you, this is how I would read it. Air bin ya. Air kid loves ya. You're right. Loves ya

show. He says, it's Boston. Love Liz of Langley. Now, Uncle Ben's bitch. Well, that was very sexy, if you don't mind me saying. Very sexy. What does it all mean, Frank? With an element of someone from the West Midlands on rehypnol. OK.

But I liked it. How should it sound? should say i've been your air kid loves yosha he says it's boston lovely the langley near uncle ben's bridge it's a complimentary oh is that good there's something called uncle ben's bridge uncle ben's bridge is where i had underneath that i had my first ever under the bra experience yes i know i've said bra on absolute radio i feel I feel that David Cameron has set a dangerous precedent. Under the bra under a bridge, was it with a troll?

I'm not prepared to answer that. But I've seen better. Absolute Radio. Alan Cochran has joined us here in the studio. Hello. I should point out, I am Frank Skinner. We are on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth and also we're in Birmingham. Hello. I should point out, I am Frank Skinner. We are on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth. And also, we're in Birmingham.

Indeed. Yes. Which is exciting for you, isn't it? It is, yes. I've been here before, obviously. I understand. I'm aware of that. As have I, indeed. But I'm getting me star. Did you know I was getting me star? Yeah, yeah. I've heard. It's exciting. Oh, man. Exciting is not the word. I think it was

Marky Smith from The Fall who said... Birmingham Business School. And... What did he say? Can we hear that again? He said... Birmingham Business School. I'm no clearer, are you? I don't know if one of my headphones isn't loud enough

to quite get what he says after Birmingham. He says Birmingham Business School. Oh, right. It's from a track called Birmingham School of Business School, which is one of my favourite track titles ever. I think I was talking slightly off mic, and it's all gone a bit wrong since you've come in, Alan. Come on, get off me! Get off me!

I've affected the feng shui of the studio. So why are you in Birmingham? I'm in Birmingham just doing the Glee Club. Well, don't say just doing the Glee Club. I mean, as opposed to being on tour on my own. I'm just doing sets there, as they say. The Glee Club, I should say, is a very famous comedy club in Birmingham. Indeed.

And then, ooh, now my headphones have started playing in both ears now. Have you ever worn headphones before? I've never seen anyone so fascinated by anything. Well, it's... No, I've got a dodgy lead as well. The lead's dodgy. People don't want to hear this. No, you'd think we'd put Alan in some sort of

cyber mind helmet where you could see sheep jumping at you. I'll tell you what, I've developed a system now. I'm going to have one ear on and one ear off. I think it worked for Van Gogh. So where did it go last night at the Gleekland? It was good fun, yes. It was nice. It was alright. There was a cler was nice, it was all right.

There was a clerical error, so they phoned me at five to nine saying, where are you, you're on first, and I said, oh, absolutely not. I've got an email saying I'm on last, I don't need to be there till 11 o'clock. And so then I had to sort of peg it and go straight on stage, which meant that I was full of M&S sandwiches from the service station. Oh, no, that's not good. But, you know, it was fine, Just went on and told them the funny stuff. That's really it.

It's always good to do the funny stuff, I think. Absolutely. It took me a while for that to click. Yeah. Well, I started doing it, and then after a few years, I thought, actually, I'm going to start doing the funny stuff. Now, that isn't true, because I've seen you do stand-up this year, and you're very good at it. Oh, well, thank you, Alan. There's some self-deprecating humour.

You can come back. What a lovely man he is, Alan Cochran. Absolute radio. Anyway, Alan, you're about to go, well, about to go in the autumn on quite a massive tour. Well, I'm doing 30 dates after the Edinburgh Festival. I actually go to the Edinburgh Festival and then go on a sort of honeymoon because I got married three weeks ago. Three weeks ago today, in fact,

which a lot of people would normally go, oh, but in this room there's so much jaded cynicism about the whole process that everyone just goes, OK, either that or just you're all so used to comedians talking that you kind of go, and the punchline will be along shortly. I think that one of the things we talked about before the show began was why people go, ah, when someone says they've got married. I see.

Or had a child. I wasn't really expecting it. No, we're glad you've got married. I mean, it is effectively a conversation that got out of hand. It was in no way a sort of typical romantic big day type thing because we've been together eight years and we just didn't feel a massive need to we literally grew out of boyfriend and girlfriend because we had a baby and it was too long a relationship and once that chat started three months later we were married

in the lake district did you propose though no there was no proposal or stag do or or hen do or did you book a church or anything or were you married on no church no church whatsoever there was a registry for a man in velvet robes. That would have been quite good but we just went to a registry office in the Lake District and they went to a very nice hotel and all had dinner and... Were you heading for Gretna Green and thought this is far

enough isn't it? It's lovely here. I started looking at how much the fuel was costing and thought let's just pull off here it seems nice. Well you've got to think when you're married you've got to think about these things so how's married life? married life's alright have you noticed any kind of inner core change

in your attitude? the major difference so far has been saying my now wife instead of my girlfriend and I said on stage the other night I think that's what happens for the first year she's your now wife then she's your wife and then eventually she's your ex-wife. And as I said that, a fairly bitter-looking divorcee cackled.

Yeah. So every now and again you just stumble on someone's backstory that you perhaps might not want to. Well, I've stumbled on a few cackling, bitter divorcees in Birmingham over the years, I feel. I thought you were going to say you've stumbled on a few backs over the years. Well, I was going to assure you. don't get all David Cameron on us.

Indeed, yeah, I was wondering if I'm allowed to swear. No, definitely not. Wow, there was panic in the room there. See, we reacted to that, not your marriage. Swearing, we're big on that. Can we swear? Aww. It is, I find that there's a, and I swear in adult comedy clubs,

but I find that there's a certain amount of everyday swearing that I find offensive. I saw somebody the other day with a T-shirt that had a naughty word, and then me, ask, no, naughty word Google, ask me. And I was just thinking, you know, there's people walking about with their children and that bloke has blatantly got a swear word written on his T-shirt. Exactly. And so I was offended at that and my mate Neil was more offended at the idea that this person was preposterous enough to assume that they were cleverer than Google.

Well, also, somebody said to me once, I find your T-shirt offensive, you know, the thing written on it. And I had to point out I actually didn't know it was there. It had been done by mischievous schoolboys. he said to me once i find your t-shirt offensive you know that the thing written on it and i had to point out i actually didn't know it was then it had been done by mischievous school boys so i felt quite uh badly done too i say badly done too frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we're talking to Alan Cochran, who recently got married. Hello. But more importantly, he's on tour.

I am. So when does the tour begin? The tour starts the 25th of September. I was told to say that you can find out about it on alancochran.com, which is with a U, A-L-U-N. Nobody goes to it because it's an awkward spelling anyway um at least that's how i justify it yeah but yeah it starts on the 25th of september it's essentially my civic duty to go out in these troubled times and just talk nonsense i feel

it's about daydreaming so it's perfect for these times and does it have a title like it's called alan cochran is a daydreamer, brackets at night, close brackets. Oh, brackets. That's when the show's on. I'm a big fan of comedy brackets. Yeah, what about Indian bracket? Are you with that? The jury's still out on them for me.

Well, yeah, but we said we wouldn't mention the trial. OK, and you're in edinburgh for the whole thing yes i go up a thursday night and do the 7th to the 30th or whatever it is with no days off because i just thought if i'm away i'll just do it i'll just gig i think that's an error i look forward to the days off yeah i i can't be bothered with them i i'll just end up thinking i should probably be doing my gig okay i just it's just every day probably be doing my gig. Okay. It's just every day you've got a gig, there's a tiny fire burning in your stomach that tells you you're doing a gig that night,

even if you're not really worried about it. It's there. Yeah, I know what you mean. But at the same time, I just think I've got to... I'm going up there to do the show, so I may as well just do the show. Oh, well, fair enough. I'm hoping to hit the ground running

and keep running for the whole festival. Well, most people are exhausted after Edinburgh. You're going to go and do a 30-day tour. Well, I've got a little gap. I've got a little gap to stay in a yurt. You're going to stay in a yurt? Do you know about a yurt? They're tents with a hole in the top.

They're like the tents, Frank. I've heard of them. They have them at festivals. I'm just explaining because you might think of them as tents. I thought that was like a part of tents. I know. I got massaged in one once. What?

Yeah. He still writes. He's still right. No, I did. I got quite a nice, I can't remember the name of it, but it was a deep, deep tissue kind of a thing. Massage? Yeah. That sounds a bit cheesy. It was deep tissue by the end of it.

I was crying is what I meant. It brings out your emotions. It does. The first massage I had in Thailand or Hong Kong or somewhere, my wife was on the next, my now wife was on the next bench and I didn't realise that there's an etiquette that you're not meant to go, oh, that's nice. So all the way through she could just hear this idiot next to her

go, oh, that's really good, that. I don't know if there is a protocol, is there? Are you meant to say? I'd be happy with that if I was a masseuse. Yeah, well, I think I was a good customer for a masseuse. I'm also very good if people cook for me. I get really into it and keep saying all the way through the meal, this is great, I'm one of those people.

Brilliant. I think I'd like cooking for me. Well, I do, but I don't thank myself. No. Anyway, I'm going on tour at the end of September, and it is just about daydreaming. I'm pretending that it's escapism and that you can come along and just laugh away your troubles in these difficult times,

but actually there's a bit more real life in it than I'm pretending. Okay. It's good. I should say, I've seen Alan live many times, and he's incredibly funny. I don't wish to embarrass you, but it's kind of proper, what I would call proper comedy. It's a man speaking to people, not being dressed up

or wearing dark glasses and pretending to be a Hollywood star and doing a funny voice. It's proper, real, funny, from-the-heart comedy. So I'll be coming. When are you on in Edinburgh? What time of the night? 10.50pm. Well, I can come to that, you see, because my show's at 8 o'clock.

I'm accidentally plugging my own show. Well, what do you know? Yeah, well, I'll come to that. That'll be brilliant. Great. I believe I'm doing your show as well. Oh, you are doing my show, yeah, because I can't do it one night so i said well you do it you can do the accent let's see your birmingham accent um what do you want me to say let me say say like i love your show or whatever

i think she slightly put you off there can i do it again in birmingham yeah go on i love your show there you go you could you. You could be me. That's all right. You just need ageing up a bit like Dustin Hoffman in the 10th. I'm a year old man. Alan, do go and see Alan Cochran. He's incredibly funny. Absolute.

Radio. I should say, no pressure on Alan, but he came back and said, I've got a story I forgot to tell. So we said, OK. Well, someone asked about where I was staying, and I'm actually staying in a hotel. I like this because it's sort of, for me me this sums up the oddness of the midlands i feel like the the midlands has been overlooked in in the whole of the uk in certain ways like they're not even mentioned in the north south divide are they that's true and so i think divide that's what

we used to be called just because no one's looking there's a sort of an everyday oddness that nobody really seems to go hang on that's that's weird in other places but uh the bottom line is the last time i stayed in this hotel i checked in and asked for a big bed and the girl on the reception went no you can have a small room with a small bed and the and i went up there and opened the door and i checked into a hotel room that didn't have a bed in it. And I literally had to go down to reception and complain to the same woman, my hotel room hasn't got a bed in it. They did not have a phone in it either. I'd had that moment of walking in and at first glance

being pleasantly surprised at how roomy the room was. You thought that, wouldn't you? And then thought, hang on, I usually throw my bag somewhere. And I went down and I said, oh, my room hasn't got a bed in it. And she looked up and said, are you sure? And I remember thinking, well, I'm fairly sure. Did you have a moment's doubt that it could have been one of those that comes down from the wall?

I was thinking I didn't check behind the door. There's probably a double waterbed behind the door, which is my fault. It just hadn't been filled. I just can't see certain types of furniture. It's new problem i have that's that can be quite scary very strange that is odd i uh i've always felt like when they said um when they say would you like please can you make up my room that they might say yes it's on the 11th floor and there's you know number 17 that was on your nine floors but that's never's, you know, number 17, that was on your 9th floor. But that's never happened.

Did you know that Joseph Priestley, a minister from Birmingham, discovered oxygen? Yeah, did he? Yeah, that is true. Did he find it in his mask on an aeroplane? I wonder what people breathed before he discovered that. Gareth likes Birmingham facts. I've got Birmingham facts.

He's very good on your Birmingham facts. Been online yesterday. Yeah, he's been online. Rainfall, 1,833, 30 millimetres. Yeah, that's not as good as the discovery of oxygen. Who discovered rainfall? Rainfall! I think that was Gene Kelly. So, look, Alan, have a great Edinburgh and a great tour.

Thank you very much. This is now your official goodbye, because we've got a special phone guest coming after this song. Absolute Radio. It's Roberto Di Matteo, the new West Bromwich Albion boss. Roberto Di Matteo! Are you there, Roberto? Yes, yes, good morning.

Good morning. It's very exciting to speak to you, and I really mean that. Yes, thanks. I mean, it's a pleasure for me to be able to be the head coach of West Bromwich Albion. Now, what does that mean, Roberto? Because in the past, we just had a manager and now we've got a head coach and a first team coach. So what's your job description? It's basically the same. I think it's just the name basically changes. The fact that we have a sport director

that works very closely with me and maybe that changes a little bit in recruiting maybe players but ultimately I have to find a decision on the players that come in and the ones that go out. I think it's just a change of title more than anything else.

Okay. So you've got a few more people helping you out, basically. One more, yeah. One more person, yeah. Okay. In Denner, yes. So to be a manager now, you have to do all sorts of badges and stuff, don't you? Yes, you do.

What kind of things do you do on those courses? I've often wondered. Well, they give you instructions on of things do you do on those courses i've often wondered well they give you a structure on how they they think you know you should coach you should have your sessions done and uh and then as you go further up your development and there's some management skills communication skills involved a bit of psychology finance and that, as you need as a manager, also because you're running a club, aren't you? I like the fact they do psychology. So they tell you how to sort of deal with difficult players and stuff like that.

Well, there isn't a guideline really, you know, because obviously everybody is different, has different personalities. So, you know, you can't say, well, you know, you just have to treat everybody the same. But they give you an insight into what you have to expect and what you should know a little bit about it. So what kind of manager are you, would you say? Are you a shouter and a screamer, or are you sort of Mr Nice Guy? A bit of both.

A bit of both. If you need to raise your voice, you raise your voice. If there's no need to do it, you don't do it. I like to observe a lot and make my decisions. I think this question I can only answer maybe in five years or six years or ten years' time. Because you're still pretty new to it, aren't you? You've only been managing for a year, and suddenly you're managing the best club in Europe. Well, yes, that's correct. Yeah. Well, I'm not that new. I'm 39 years old, you know, so I've been in this world for a little bit.

Well, yeah, but not managing, though. No, not managing. You can't count your school days. But, you know, I've been in football for all my life, and I've played at the highest level, so I know the environment, I know, I've been in football for all my life and I've played at the highest level. I remember. I know the environment, I know the industry. Management is very exciting, actually.

I have to say, it's a great job. A lot of pressure, but it's exciting. All the best jobs have a bit of pressure thrown in, don't they? Well, you know something about it, don't you? Well, I tell you, it's better than... I've worked in a factory, and I think being a football manager is probably better than that.

Absolutely, I agree with you. But, you know, you can always fall back on that if times get hard. Yeah, well, I remember where I come from, so don't worry. I've been there myself. Oh, good man. I bet you've never worked in a factory.

Weren't you always just a brilliant footballer? No, no. Well, you know, I grew up in Switzerland with a poor background and, you know, I used to work

in my school holidays when I was a bit younger before I started my football career. Oh, goodness. Well, that's good. And are you going

to move to West Bromwich? I mean, to live? I'm going to move up to the Midlands, yeah. I'm at the moment temporarily staying in a hotel, but I had the chance yesterday to have a look at some places, and hopefully I can sort something out there as soon as possible. Because weren't you on that footballers' cribs programme?

Oh, the MTV thing? Yeah, the MTV thing yeah the MTV thing with your didn't you have a really flash pad well flash I wouldn't say it's flash it's just

it's my house and I decorate it with my wife the way we like it and that's a long time ago though Frank I have to say that's been filmed

five six years ago that was when you were young and crazy yes more or less. Now, I hear that you've done a very Italian thing, that one of the first things you've done since you've come to West Brom is you've had an espresso machine put in your office.

OK, I understand. You've got some spice in the campaign. Well, you know, obviously I said to the chairman, if I'm appointed Italian manager, you know, you've got to get me an espresso machine because that's what we have, isn't it? As Italians, we love our espresso. Yeah, I mean, it's very cool. I'm looking forward to seeing your Lambretta on the car park. No, I won't be doing that with this weather, by the way.

And see you sitting on the bench in shades. It'll be brilliant. Well, I'm very excited about you taking over, Roberto, and all the Albion fans I've spoken to have all got very, very high hopes. Just before you go, can you absolutely categorically guarantee us promotion this season?

Well, unfortunately, I can't. Roberto! I can guarantee you a commitment, and that's what we're going to put in. And if we do that, then I think the results will come. Well, I'm going to be sitting up just behind your bench, actually, about 15 rows behind you, so I'll be shouting very, very loudly. I heard about you already, don't worry.

Well, you know I mean this from the heart. I wish you the very, very best of luck this season. Thank you. And I'd like to thank all the supporters I've met so far. They've been brilliant with me so far. They're a great bunch. As long as you win every week, they'll be very nice. I know what it is about.

I need to win games. It's the simplest thing. Exactly. Well, the best of luck and it's great talking to you. Thank you, Frank. Bye-bye it's the simplest thing. Exactly. Well, look, the best of luck, and it's great talking to you. Thank you, Frank. Bye-bye. See you, Roberto. Bye.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth in Birmingham, all in one breath, and I haven't started breathing. I've stopped breathing. Were you excited chatting to Roberto? He was sweet. I mean, he's the manager at West Bromwich Elm.

You don't know what that means to me. I could see you being quite nervous. Some people were interviewing Madonna. That's how I feel. Well, I'm more excited because he's got nicer arms. Or like if someone was interviewing the guy who wrote He's Just Not All That Into You. For me, that would be the same thing.

That's really the person you'd most like to speak to, the bloke who wrote that book about dating. No, he's in my top ten. He's in my top ten. Oh, okay. Well, perhaps we can get him on. Yeah. Shouldn't be too difficult.

Someone sort it, please, love. He's actually, you know, he's with the same management company that I am. It's all going to come together. In case you don't know this book, it's quite a big, it's a massive selling book in America. It's about dating, isn't it?

Yeah. And there's a film about it and all. I don't know why we're plugging it. It's not on. Exactly in America. It's about dating, isn't it? Yeah. And there's a film about it. I don't know why we're plugging it. It's not on. Exactly. When it's on now, I'll just say, sorry, we plugged it eight months ago when you cropped up and all that. So, yeah, I'm getting ready now for my star ceremony.

In case you've tuned in late, I'm getting a star on the Birmingham Walk of Stars. Is that what you're wearing? What? I'm getting a star on the Birmingham Walk of Stars. Is that what you're wearing? What, you mean this yellow cycling outfit? Yes, that's exactly it. What of it? Yes. We're in Birmingham.

I think it was Johnny Rotten who said... She was a girl from Birmingham. Yeah, he's not here, in case you're wondering. I think I'd fancy getting him in just for that. We use that as a tag. Yeah, I don't know quite what's happening. I'm turning up. I'm doing some interviews with the local press,

including somebody called Radio Rhubarb, which I don't know anything about. And then I do a judging talent contest of Birmingham new comedians. So they're getting their money's worth. Then I get my star from the mayor. And then I get a three-course meal. And so do all my friends and family, including the people on this show.

Hey! So that's brilliant. I just had a note that says, use somebody. You know, it's just not in my nature. Oh, you mean the song. Okay, so yeah. So Jo Russell is next.

She's giving away free tickets to the V Festival. Can you believe that? Nothing to do with it, absolutely. She's just got free tickets to the V Festival. Can you believe that? Nothing to do with the Absolute. She's just got some, found some in her handbag. I mean, they're from four years ago, but who cares? So thanks very much. It's been lovely doing the show from Birmingham. If you're around, come and see me get my star.

And if you're not, we'll speak to you next week. Good day to you. Absolute. Radio.