The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Andy Zaltzman

Episode Date: July 17, 2010

Frank returns from South Africa and is pleased to be reunited with Emily and Gareth. Like old friends catching up they chat about moral dilemmas, sausage rolls and GMTV.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth. Hello. Welcome home, Frank. Thank you so much. And in case you don't know and you're tuning in and you're thinking, what's with the welcome home stuff, I've just been in South Africa for, I think it was 34 days. What was going on there?

Well, until about two weeks ago, there was a World Cup competition. All right. And then what? And then the England team flew home two weeks before I did, which I think is very rude to leave early, you know. Oh, I hate it when you're the last one at the party when the lights come on. Oh, yes. So anyway, it was a fabulous time, but it's great to be back.

I've got to be straight with you. Can I just say we really did miss you, genuinely. Oh! No, because... Hold on. That's the morning! Yes! I have returned.

We like the other clients, Frank. Yes. But we wanted our big daddy back. Well, there's no answer to that. But no, that's fabulous news. And I didn't get killed. All that worry about getting killed in South Africa didn't happen, as you may have guessed. It's a nasty wound you've got there.

Yeah, well, that was because I didn't bring the girlfriend anything back. Did you get Kath a present? I bought her a t-shirt with a Vuvuzela design. Oh, Ambassador, you're spoiling us Exactly, it was a bit that

And that was just how it was greeted In fact, it's still in the brown paper bag on the table in the living room Well, I'm with Kath on that I mean, would it have killed you? I thought, well, I'm not a big... You know, I get present stress That bodes well for my birthday tonight. Yeah, exactly.

Well, we'll talk about that later, maybe. Erm, erm, erm, erm. Anyway, if you want to text us about anything at all, and I mean anything, well, not anything. There's one news story we can't discuss. But apart from him, 8-12-15, you can call us on any time.

Legend, some people think. Anyway, so... Yeah, so I had a fabulous time. I was really worried about it, you see. And then, you know what Mark Twain said, I've had a lot of terrible things in my life and most of them never happened. And it was like that. I got fretful that I was going to get macheted by gangs in Johannesburg.

And in fact, mainly I sat in beautiful restaurants and just talked to my... And a shopping centre as well. There was a lot of shopping centres. We did, because as you may know, we did the radio show basically behind the shop window. Yeah.

Which is a bit different for this. I mean, you get the odd newsreader and that wander past. But here there were people who would just stand and really stare at you while you were doing the show. What were you like in Dixon's or something? Yeah, we were in Dixon's. It was like doing Radio Topshop like Tom McKenna used to do.

Nobby, as he's known. Yeah, we... Neil Francis does that now. Oh. That's what I heard. Yeah, but it's not official. He just sits at a desk with a Dan Set recorder. I mean, it should be...

Welcome to Debenhams. Who are you? Never mind that. Let's play this disc. I mean, it's not right. But, yeah, we've played... A man came with an enormous handlebar moustache and just stood twirling it at the window

and waving to us. Really? I mean, for about half an hour. Maybe he thought it was a sauna or something. Well, he was over my shoulder, I'm happy to say. Not the first time can I say I've had a man with a handlebar with a stash over my shoulder. But he was staring straight at Dave.

And Dave, as you may know, is David Baddiel, my comedy partner on this whole exercise. And Dave got very unnerved by the whole thing. Yeah, he looked like a military man. I thought it was Sir Jock Stirrup for a moment, because he's out of work now. I've had a lovely email. Could I have a better welcome back than this?

It says, welcome back, Frank. Dearest Frank, Gareth and Emily, the Philly girls just want to say we missed you so much while you were away. Now, the Philly girls, in case you don't know, are some fabulous girls in Philadelphia who used to listen to us, I think, after they'd basically been on their lash all night. They'd go back and then listen to this show.

And it sounds great if you're completely smashed, apparently. And then they would do songs from Annie and... It's a hard knock life for us. Nah, Sandy, I'm going to call him Sandy. I love Frank's medley. And they said, we did feel we saw you because ESPN,

the sports network over in the States, thanks for the explanation, camera guy, kept panning to people wearing masks of your face in the crowd at various games. Is that true? Is that true? Or was that just you? I think that was probably... That was either me or...

Or just a lot of people from Birmingham. Is maybe what it was, bang. They just interpreted that as someone with a terrible mask on. It could have been a man from... How dare you? I realised what I said as I said that. Oh, dear. It could have been him from

Wild at Heart, couldn't it? What's he called? Stephen? Oh, that's your look he likes. Yeah, been him from Wild at Heart, couldn't it? What's he called? Stephen... Tompkins. Oh, that's your look he likes. Yeah, and they film Wild at Heart. The driver we had kept saying, oh, yeah, I've driven Stephen Tompkinson a few times. And I said, someone once said I look like him.

What did he say? He didn't say anything, which meant I knew what he meant by that. What? He sort of went, oh. Like, I look like, if you can imagine such a thing, a worse version of Stephen Tompkinson. Stephen Tompkinson after he'd been, say, been missing for three weeks,

and they dragged him out the Thames. That's what he was saying I look like. I mean, you know, I've got a heart. These people don't realise it. I'm human. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Okay, so, look, I've got a moral dilemma. Oh, I love a moral dilemma.

Have we got a jingle for that? Gary, do you normally sing them? Moral dilemma, moral dilemma, moral dilemma. Yeah, I was thinking maybe this. I think one should be able to do that at any time in life. Say if you get up and you walk downstairs, there's a strange man in your kitchen, and you look to your right.

He's standing there, and he looks a bit aggressive and frightening. You look to your right, and there's the bread knife lying there gleaming in the sunlight. And then you make your decision. I think that's uh fine so here's my problem i'm i'm going to the uh the edinburgh festival oh yeah for uh in august and we'll still be doing the radio shows can i point that out yeah and um i've got um because i'm doing it i'm doing a sort of a talk show thing up there, right, it's all, you know, I'm being paid,

and they're kindly supplying me with first-class rail fare as part of the deal. Right, lovely. Oh, that's good. My girlfriend and her sister are going up on the same train, and she's going because they're both agents, they're being sent up by their company, but they're standard fare. Right. Oh. Now, is it all right to travel on the same train with me in first class and them in standard i mean i can always nip in do you know

what i'm you know yeah well i have to say i mean don't jump to any okay you know don't jump and then make me feel bad and i sense there's going to something reprimand well you sense wrong my friend because i was about to say i'm sorry but no one can turn down the opportunity of sitting and then make me feel bad. And I sense there's going to be something reprimanding. Well, you sense wrong, my friend, because I was about to say, I'm sorry, but no one can turn down the opportunity of sitting in first class. No. And I think your girlfriend would understand that.

Yeah, I don't think it's the idea is, what's plaguing me in the early hours of the morning is not that I should go and sit in there, but that maybe I should pay for an upgrade. Well, you could do that. But she's with her sister, so we're talking, I think we're talking two upgrades. I can't just, I can't plot one out and leave the other.

You could do what I tried last time. You know what the Nazis used to say? You have to choose which child. I mean, I'm not playing that game. Frankie's choice. Yeah. Well, what did I do last time? Emily's advice to me when we were sat nervously in first class

was style it out yeah just style it out and what what happens i mean listeners who remember this story will remember but if the guard comes around the move is your girlfriend just needs to sort of hold her tummy yeah and go i'm actually not feeling very well so i just sat here that's what i did she's like that all the time perfect i think it's good though i tell you what the way i'm justifying i think it's good to have different experiences in life you know you don't want to be one of these you know these teachers at school that were married and you think well do they spend their whole life together what do they ever talk about because they know what's going on so i thought then i'll be able to tell her what you know what first class

was like it's good to have different experiences in life, but that does not include standard class travel. I'm sorry. Well, I used to like standard class travel, but then people started saying to me, where do you get your ideas from? And I used to have long conversations about how jokes were born. And I became, I found, sullen and aggressive.

And that's not the side of me I want to encourage. That's not a good look, no. Yeah. I don't know quite what to do about it. The thing is, obviously, because we're both being paid for, if I'm being paid for and then I'm going to pay for an upgrade, I feel I've corrupted the sacred thing that is a freebie. The sacred thing that is a freebie? You don't want to mess is a freebie. The sacred thing that is a freebie.

You don't want to mess with a freebie. You want it to be free. You don't want a freebie. I don't want to be sitting there thinking, well, I've got a freebie, but I've had to pay for two upgrades. So is it a freebie? Not really. That, to me, would kill the whole thing.

Well, text in, should Frank go first class or not? It's not whether I should go first class, but what I should do. OK. Also, can I just say, we might be coming back on different days. You know, it gets even more complicated. Oh, dear. I've thrown everything in, so there's all the ingredients. All you have to do is to bake that into a moral souffle.

Isn't it great to be back? This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Our guest today is Andy Zaltzman, by the way. And it's not every day you get a guest whose initials cover the full range of the alphabet. I'm quite excited about that. Oh, that's true, yeah. Because when we had Alan Alder on, I thought, oh, God, how boring is this? But now A to Z in one go.

Amazing. It's like having a big map, a big ginger-haired map on the show. Yeah. If you can imagine such a thing. So, Emily, you witnessed a piece of broadcasting history this week. Well, I did. I haven't been hanging out with Trevor Francis in shopping malls, but I have met a few celebrities.

Yeah, I went down, it was Jonathan Ross's final show, well, not final show ever, but final show for the BBC. And I was invited down. Wow. Natch, I was invited down. But I got to meet David Beckham Frank which oh my god I was so excited I was very nervous I made a lot of effort in my clothes and my dress and I had his initials are all over the place the D to be they're not even in chronological order and there's a gap of what two letters two letters in

the wrong order doesn't that sum him up? Frank is so good looking, isn't he? Who, Andy Zaltzman? Oh, we're all different. I felt nervous he was so good looking. No, he is good looking. You know when someone's that good looking? That's generally established.

But I did that thing. Oh yeah, but I wasn't expecting that. She did well. Oh, she did well. I was almost sick he was so good looking. I shook his hand. He went, hello, nice to meet you. I went, no! Yeah, I bet you did. And I said Emily flicked her hair as she did well. I was almost sick. He was so good looking. I shook his hand. He went, hello, nice to meet you. I went, no!

Yeah, I bet you did. And I said Emily flicked her hair as she did that. In case many of you would have guessed. I did. So that was a real treat meeting him. And it was a really nice evening. Did he say anything other than that? We chatted. It will remain between me and David what was said.

We talked a bit. His little boy was there, Romeo, who's got an American accent, which I wasn't expecting. Oh, that's he really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, no, he was in very good form.

But I tell you, he was there. Is it because he grew up in America? Yeah. Oh, I gathered that. Just born like that. Yeah, that would be terrible. Don't know how it happened. Yeah, the midwife slapped his bum and he went,

Anyway. And Mickey Rourke was there. He got Jonathan some shoes. I don't know why. Was he in Anyway. And Mickey Rourke was there. He got Jonathan some shoes. I don't know why. Was he in a fire Mickey Rourke?

Oh right. He looks much better now. He's cut all that hair off and stuff. He got him some shoes. Yeah.

That's a nice gift. He's going through hard times. Well they weren't comedy shoes. Walking shoes. No. They were very nice

shoes. But listen. I'll tell you who was there, who's always there. Alan Yentob turned up. Now, he's always everywhere. Well, the presenter of Imagine. Yeah, but he's got some big, big job at the BBC apparently as well. But why does he always turn up everywhere?

Because he's got a big job at the BBC. No, but come on. I mean, he does always like to be at the centre of the action, I find, Yentob. Like, I'd be talking to a friend. I went to hug a friend and he just suddenly leapt in. What, between the hugs? Between hugs. Oh, no, I don't want a Yentob sandwich.

At any time. Oh, well, it sounds exciting. Oh, it was great. Oh, but talking of sandwich, so David Baddiel was there. Ah. And we're in the green room and David Baddiel had a go at me. Talking of sandwich. Yeah, because I was eating sausage rolls oh and david said do you realize that's the fourth sausage roll you've

eaten tonight oh no he kept what he was counting he was counting my sausage roll intake what do you think of that did you eat four then yeah what are they four at one time no no like a cricket glove just like a cricket glove was disappearing down the toilet. Did he have a stopwatch? Did he get the claw out? Have you seen Dave's claw? No! If you're with Dave and you get a bag of knots or some sweets,

before you've opened them, his right hand forms into a claw, a dipping claw. Before you've opened them. I've bought them in the shop, I haven't actually paid, and I've looked round, the right hand's already become a claw, ready to go in. Oh man, I'm surprised. I'm sure he'd have out sausage rolled you, or

anyone else for that matter. Well he did get after right hand, he said, I can't believe you've eaten four. Do you think it's okay if I have one? I like the voice. I know, that's my David impression. It's very good, I thought he was here for a second. I was looking for the claw everywhere. Now, Frank, you know you had a moral dilemma

regarding your girlfriend and first-class travel. Yes, I think some people have texted us on 8-12-15. I think they have. We've had one in from Craig saying, last year I got a free VIP pass to the Latitude Festival. My girlfriend suggested she buy a ticket and that I then camp with her in the normal people area. And he's used little quotes from normal,

which endears me to him. Morally, I knew what to do, but selfishly, I didn't. So I convinced her that she couldn't afford it and that I couldn't miss out on clean showers and lose i don't know how but she agreed oh really you had the offer frank not your missus you know what to do you see i can't i can't see in those black and white terms well no and not everyone agrees with him either because we've had another yeah we've had wood frank's girlfriend upgrade wood frank is that his name some some blokes in her home covered in cooper and all is he that kind

of a character um i don't know who it is it said would frank's girlfriend upgrade him if she had a freebie well you see she doesn't have as much money as i have but i think if she she she's the sort of person i think She's very selfless. She's a good person. She's more selfless than I am, I'll be honest with you. Another text in saying, Hi, Frank, of course your girlfriend and sister should go first class. You can afford it.

Let them travel in style and comfort. They deserve it. Is that from my girlfriend? Yeah, I think it might well be. It's also her tone about it, I find. Well, maybe that's right. Maybe I should just go for it and do the honourable thing. I mean, it's only money.

You can't take it with you. Although Luke says people would expect a man of your status to be travelling first class by train and would be disappointed if you didn't. Yeah, but that doesn't get me out of the upgrade. No, it doesn't. No, exactly. No, we're not suggesting you should go in standard class.

No, that's... That's unthinkable. I don't think anyone's going to suggest that. That'd be ridiculous. I mean, they could just... As long as you're moving through first class, they can just walk back and forth. All for the whole trip. It's four and a half hour journey, too.

Oh, it'd be good exercise. It's an idea, though. People could do that. Couldn't they spend the whole trip as long as they keep moving? I always think that. You know when you pull into a yellow box on the road? Well, you know a yellow box on the road? Oh, I know a yellow box. The thing that you can't go into if your exit's blocked. Well, I always...

What I do, I'll go in and then I think, oh, I'm stuck in it now. And I move incredibly slowly because then I think, if they show me... When they show me the camera footage in court, I'd say, well, I didn't stop. I was just very slowly making my way towards the exit. I don't know if that would work, but that's my method. I hate it when they take those traffic pictures.

I had one taken once. You know what I hate? Poverty. That's the difference between me and you. I was going to deny it was me, and then you could see me in the actual car flicking my hair with a cigarette in one hand and flicking my hair with the other. I couldn't deny it after that.

No, that would be wrong. So, now, there's been some terrible news. I don't know if you're aware of this, but the BBC have made a decision that they are not going to commission the fourth series of The Restaurant, which, of course, features Raymond Blanc. I don't know if you knew about this, Gareth.

I'm sorry to break it to you so suddenly. Well, Raymond's gone very quiet recently. Maybe that's why. I thought he was upset about something. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is. And then I've commissioned. I've had three good series, I would say.

I've never watched it, but I'd just like to know that it's on. You know, I can feel that it's on. Yeah. I can feel it in my marrow. Short, eh? I like Raymond's gone very quiet recently. What, you haven't been into his cafe as a punter? Yes, you haven't been anywhere near him

because you don't know him. That's why he's been quiet. I find a lot of people I don't know are quite quiet towards me. People are quiet when they're far away from you. Yeah, and don't know you at all. They are. What is it with people that they're so

offish about that? Absolute. Radio. Now, listen, Frank, your moral dilemma, the listeners are loving this moral dilemma. We have Matt, who I think has come up with a pretty good solution. We should explain just briefly. I'm going to Edinburgh.

My girlfriend and her sister are on the same train, but I've got first-class tickets supplied by my employer, and she has standard supplied by their employer yeah so um so work for frank's employer is the um yes um morning all frank what you need to do is offer your upgrade to your girlfriend and you go in the scummy bit well i think that's a bit much the scummy bit i don't know my girlfriend loves it when I go in the scummy bit. Oh, fine. Oh. Oh. It's great to be back.

The producer's still got her hand over her mouth. Well, the producer said that David Baddiel grabbed her muffin. With the claw. The claw came out. Am I right, Emma? Yes. When we were in South Africa, he took the top off her muffin. Did he? Yeah. And the top, it was one of those muffins where all the good stuff is on the top. You know what I mean?

Oh, like the poppy seed and... Well, I think it was... It might have been savoury. Was it savoury? It was savoury. It was savoury. So he's had all the melted cheese and stuff. He didn't get the claw out.

To me, when you get one of those muffins, the base of the muffin is no more than a stand for the top. The top is what it's all about. And he... The claw. The claw came out and took the top off the muffin. The top is what it's all about. And he... The claw. The claw came out and took the top off the muffin. The video claw.

Yeah, it was out. I don't think you can help it. It's like a terrible sort of food lobster. Anyway, carry on. Okay. So, yeah, so this is Matt's solution.

What you need to do is offer your upgrade to your girlfriend and you go in the scummy bit. She will, of course, say no because she won't want to leave her sister. You are then seen as the gent but still have your freebie guilt-free sorted the problem with that you see is i get on

very well with her sister so she'll think oh great they'll have a great time in there and i'll get free mini pretzels yes you're right it's a good idea but you see there's a flaw there's another text which says frank Frank... There's always a flaw! Frank, workers working first... I used to say that on my carpet fitting days. Just to wake up at three o'clock in the morning shouting that. Frank, listen to this text. Sorry.

Frank, workers working first, gossips gossiping coach, claim that the journey has found its natural balance. Yeah, I could try that. Marvellous. We've had a lovely email from Matt, aged 14, from Durham. Aww. Durham.

Welcome back, Frank. Very lovely. Big cathedral and slightly dark skies. I like Durham. Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it? I have missed you loads while you've been in South Africa I've listened to your World Cup podcast with David Baddiel which have been very good

but I'm very glad you're back Me too By the way I would upgrade your girlfriend and her sister On the other hand Going off him Who cares if you're apart for four and a half hours and standard class is not that bad See that's a good argument

I mean I've just been away for five weeks so what's another four and a half hours I hadn't is not that bad see that's a good argument i mean i've just been away for five weeks so what's another four and a half hours i hadn't thought of that argument i also like the 14 year old who says standard class is not that bad yes he's my kind of guy he will be give him about three years exactly and someone else said just get some walkie talkie so you can still talk to them and you can wave through the window. We've got mobiles. Apart from the tunnels, we can have a perfectly normal conversation all the way. I like that.

You should say, look, I really want to talk to you throughout the journey. So here's two cups joined by a piece of string. Maybe we could Skype. Yeah. Two cups joined by a... Is this how the bra was invented? Do you think that's what happened with the bra a woman was on one end of a cup talking to

another woman and then when she rolled it all in she said hold on a minute if I just tighten this string oh that's really uplifting I'm thinking that's how it might have happened anyway answers on a postcard I think we should ask for postcards i mean texting's

all very well oh i love a postcard i'd like a nice little pile of oh i like that that's great thank you very much for your responses to all this i'm moving towards upgrading them i'll be honest with you oh good boy i feel that's the way the way the crowd's going um the trouble is last time i was on uh in business class i don't know if you've ever done this but i couldn't uh i couldn't find the door i was there for ages trying to find the door it's clear enough door hunter don't pick me up on stuff. I won't be picked up. That's the morning. Yes, thanks again for your text and stuff.

Can I recommend that you watch... We are now in the final days, as they say in the Bible. The end, the ends, the end times. As far as GMTV is concerned. And they've adopted what I think I've spotted a sort of a scorched earth policy on there, where anything goes. They've gone a bit mad. So nothing to lose now. Nothing to lose.

It's gone a bit Lord of the Flies. Yeah, they've all gone a bit slightly, that's odd looking. Andrew Castle. Is that what he's called, Andrew Castle? Yeah. I believe he's, because he's got Torret syndrome. What's that? Andrew Castle. I. I believe he's, because he's got Torrit Syndrome. What's that? Andrew Castle.

I thought it really was something. Thank you. No, I think he might have I think he might have got drunk, caught his own hair. He's got that look about him. Is he wild-eyed as well? He has, but he's, you know, he used to have that bouffant hair, which is

very GMTV, and I nearly thought to himself that, you know, used to have that bouffant air which is very gmtv and i know he thought to himself that you know that the young mums and that will find this uh very reassuring you know and they need a bit of reassuring that time of the morning before the sherry's kicked in yeah and i know he's it's sort of hacked and looks a bit greasy like he might have been sleeping rough it's gone native i'm loving the way they've gone wild. Yeah. They had, I tell you who they had on, they had one, he's known as Four Puffs and a Piano. Oh, yeah, from Jonathan's show.

Well, exactly. No, it never occurred to me that, you know, when there's like a big bushfire and several people are killed and then you think, oh, that's terrible, people have died. And then about three or four days into the story, someone says, of course, no-one even thinks about the wildlife. Yeah. That's how it is before Pops and the piano.

I figured, well, Jonathan Roth, poor Jonathan. And then you think, well, what are they going to do? And they did a song about being out of work. Did they? And stuff. And some of the GMTV people were joining in. It was a marvellous... It was like the Jarrow March.

It was incredible. And she's still that Emma Crosby, isn't she? She's the most bland-looking woman. Well, I know what you mean about bland, but I think she's taken blandness to a new level till it's become a weapon. Because she is almost deliberately bland, I think. I think, no, she looks wanton with it now.

Look, no, I will not say anything of any note. Yeah. There was a bit where she said to Jordan, you're a great mum, aren't you? And I thought, good on you. Just say anything. Brilliant. And because Jordan, I'll have to tell you about Jordan.

That was a whole thing. Why? GMTV at the moment, I totally recommend it. They're going to do something really, I it they're going to do something really I think they're going to do something really bad on it oh I hope so they'll be in it but you know I think the other thing is they should start trashing the place like Ben Shepard as well should come on

they should do interviews in superhero costumes or something yeah well I think it's just a matter of time yeah welcome to Frank Skinner this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio welcome to Frank Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, then they had Jordan on, right, at GMTV.

Now, I used to quite like Jordan. Yeah. And I don't have a problem with people like her, really. I think, you know, people like her and she makes a living and blah, blah. And then I'm just watching her being interviewed and halfway through I had a sudden, almost like a convulsion. And I thought that this, this isn't good enough, is it? I think this has to be stopped. And I suddenly became very outraged about Jordan.

In what way? Well, for a start off, there was one thing that she said. She was talking about the outfit she was wearing. I wrote this down, actually. And she said, well, she says, you know what I'm like. And I thought, well, no, obviously not. Otherwise, you wouldn't be popular. People really knew what was at your dark core i thought then you wouldn't have that

kind of genial middle-aged woman in the supermarket oh she's all right katie you wouldn't have that you know um so i thought well that's wrong for a starter and then it said that she wore uh she was wearing a jacket when i say it let me rephrase that she She said she was wearing a jacket made of human hair. Oh, dear. That can't be right, can it? How did she get that? How did she get it? From heads.

Has she been, like, hanging around barbers and collecting it herself? I think she has people to do that. I think I've seen said jacket. Have you really? Yeah. It's got sort of... If it was human hair, it would be like Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend hair. Like very long, black, straight hair.

With a bit of blood on it. Yeah. I thought there was a hint of scurf. I'll be honest. Anyway, she got on and she did a new single, which... A new single? Yes. What is it?

It's called Free to love again free to love again no but what i liked about it you see i can't believe now that we're taking because i thought jordan was beyond having to go out because i just thought you know she's gone through that stage and now she's a yeah not so much a national treasure but national national. And then, like I say, I was outraged by it. And then she said that one of her children had said to her, oh, when you get your photo took, Mummy, why don't you just smile like Daddy does? And I thought, what a lovely thing for a child to say.

And a bit of, you know, life coaching from a minor. That doesn't happen every day. And she said, well, I told her, you know, they get money for those photos. And I thought, well, you're instilling a terrible cynicism into these. I know what you mean. At the start of it.

Of course, the GMTV presenters were dancing round and round, holding alighted torches by this stage. Were they wearing loincloths? They'll be doing it naked. I tell you, by the time they come to the last break, they'll be naked. Ben Shepard in pants. Just smeared in dirt.

And they'll be eating raw meat and making threatening remarks about Christine Bleakley. That's the way I think it's going on GMTV. And I've certainly sky-plussed it for that very moment. There's a new one called Daybreak. Is that what the new one's called? That's what the new one's called that's what the new one's called because that sounds like a vampire movie so it'll probably just be a seamless progression well i think the problem that they're going to have with it is that gmtv will

have become such a cult classic by then you know they've never had two deaths in a month people are going to start tuning in you know like like like a vampire movie and then what's going to start tuning in, you know, like a vampire movie. And then what's going to follow that? Anyway, Andy Zaltzman is our guest today, which I'm very excited about. Oh, yeah, I saw him loitering. A lovely and funny man he is. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Andy Zaltzman has arrived in the studio. Hello.

Good morning, Andy. It's great to see you. And let's get straight to it. No running around. You're about to set off to Edinburgh soon for an Edinburgh show. You've done Edinburgh a lot, haven't you? Too much, yes. Do you think too much? Well, I don't know.

We've started on a negative note. Let's judge that at the end of August. We'll get you back on to see if that was prophetic or just pessimistic. It's my 10th Edinburgh. Okay. So, yeah, that's... How many have you done? You know, I've never quite worked that out. You must have done about 50.

No, I haven't done that many. So I've had big gaps. But I've probably done about that many with gaps. So if people come and see Andy Zaltzman live, what should they see in Edinburgh? What will happen? Well, I'll basically be solving all of the major social and political problems

affecting the planet. How long is this show? Well, 20 minutes. It's 70 minutes. So it's 10 minutes longer than the average Edinburgh show. So in terms of value for money, on a purely per-minute basis, then it's the hot ticket, frankly.

That might be the only scale on which it is the hot ticket, but nevertheless. So you've gone for the extra 10 minutes. That's quite unusual, because no-one does more than an hour in Edinburgh. Well, I like to have a bit of extra space, and I do a show in the afternoon, so it's a slightly more relaxed thing than an evening show.

What about the croissants? No, well, I don't know. You've changed. Maybe that could be my merchandising, because I've never done merchandising, because obviously no one wants Andy Saltzman memorabilia. But maybe the Andy Saltzman croissant could be... Yeah, get some printed up.

Yeah. Yeah. You could get some made, like they have in Japanese restaurants. Those hard, hard plastic things. So, I've been reading up on you, Andy. Right. There's some things I never knew, which are kind of fascinating. You're the son of a sculptor.

That's right. Yes. Now, I used to live in the same house as a sculptor, and are kind of fascinating. You're the son of a sculptor. That's right, yes. Now, I used to live in the same house as a sculptor, and there was clay everywhere. Yes. Did you live up in... Did you grow up in a dirty house? No, not... My dad always had a studio, so he'd disappear off in... Was it adjacent or another part of town?

No, it was a few miles away. Oh, OK. So we were in a little barn in the countryside, so he'd just lock himself away sculpting all day and come home covered in wax. So we assume it was sculpting. It could have been anything. He could have been removing bodily hair.

That is possible. Well, it's a fascinating upbringing. I don't think I've ever met the son of a sculptor before. That means you had an arts and crafts upbringing. That's like me. We're all very artsy. I'm absolutely 100% incompetent at all practical things. Have you had a go at sculpting?

Well, not really. When I was at school Goodroof's like, not really. What does he mean? How can you not really have a go at sculpting? I sculpt with words, Frank. Ah, of course! I had to do a design project at school, and everyone in my year at school had to do the same thing.

We had to make a little key ring, and out of 125 boys who did it, I got the lowest mark. Oh. What was the nature of your key ring? Well, it was supposed to be in a, I don't know, sort of pear sort of shape, and mine was the wrong shape, and... Terrible task to set children, though.

So it went... Making keyrings. It all went a bit on pear shapes. Yeah, exactly. It was disastrous. I've never recovered psychologically. I can't look at a saw again. That thing that kids do

when they get their dad to help them with their homework. You should have done one out of marble. Like eight feet high. That would have been marvellous. Absolute. Radio. Andy Zaltzman is our guest this morning. Andy's doing an Edinburgh show.

But also, Andy, you're part of a sort of a... I would call it a cult. A cult. Which is a... That makes me sound like I'm about to lock their doors and get everyone to pray and then kill themselves. Now, that's... You're doing GMT, though.

In the near future. No, but you do a thing called The Bugle. That's right. Can you tell... Anyone who hasn't heard of The Bugle, can you tell us what it is? Well, it's a podcast that I do with John Oliver, who you might know from The Daily Show in America.

And so he's in New York and I'm in London, and we talk about stuff that's happened in the world. And so, yes, it's half an hour of prime nonsense stroke satire every week. So, yeah, and we've sort of acquired listeners all over the world. Yeah. week so yeah and we've sort of acquired listeners in all over the world and you get sort of letters from a guy in uruguay and uh and someone on antarctica we had our first linesman is he sorry the guy in uruguay is not a linesman you get terrible confessional letters brilliant now yeah so and we had an email from someone listening in Antarctica,

which is the joys of modern technology. Yeah. So, yeah. So you never actually meet with John Oliver when you do it. You're in a studio and he's in a studio in America. Yeah, down a magic phone line. So, yeah, it's odd sort of bantering with someone at a range of 3,000 miles, but

yeah, it seems to work. See, I wanted to do that from South Africa. I wanted to carry on doing this show. I was told it just simply couldn't be done. We were told very firmly. Well, I mean, I've been given a bomb steer. Get on there. That was a horse. That was a horse, wasn't it? Is a steer a horse? It's a cow, isn't it?

A steer? No, that's a horse. That's a horse. I'll go with horse. I have an idea it's a cow, but it sounded like a horse, wasn't it? Is a steer a horse? It's a cow, isn't it? A steer? No, that's a horse. I have an idea it's a cow, but it sounded like a horse. I'm going with you. So that's continuing. Yes, that's every week. So if you haven't heard the news and you want a completely false version of it every week, then I can recommend the bugle highly.

OK. That's another great ad for it. A mixture of twisted facts and outright lies. I love false news. So one thing I read about you and this is, you're obsessed with ponds. Ponds? Ponds. P-U-N-S. Can I get my

voice synthesiser? Pond. Pond. Ponds. Well, I like ponds. I wouldn't say Iiser? Punt, pun. Puns. Punt, puns. Well, I like puns. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with them, but I have little outbreaks. You see, people say to me, you like a pun, don't you? But I don't like.

I don't like a pun. Right. I find... You feel a pun. Well, it's like saying to somebody with Tourette's, you like swearing. I can't help it. I really can't help it. Do you find that? Yes, generally.

I think that's the main thing I inherited from my father. Aside from sculpting, he... Was a big punner. I don't know if that's true of all sculptors. Well, I heard that Henry Moore, he loved a pun. I like the idea of Andy's father sculpting whilst punning.

That sounds great. Jacob Epstein, he liked observation and stuff, mainly. And Rodin was just blue, just filthy. I mean, let's not go into Rodin stuff. But no, and that's the joy of having a podcast, as I'm sure he knows. You don't really have anyone say, you can't do that. So it means that I can do runs of 30 puns about dogs in two minutes yeah but you see i look back on my puns and think i just wish i hadn't i honestly

think people hate puns most people hate puns well i think yeah they do someone like tim vine you see that the key is don't back down so you know he is obviously the master of the pun and he has no plan b essentially and he breaks you down you know even if you don't like puns i would argue that if you if you if you're trapped in a room with someone who is just doing nothing but puns after 10 minutes you crack and then they become disproportionately funny really well maybe we could try that out yeah maybe not live on radio i don't know not live on radio i'm thinking it's a little feature on GMTV. I think the Americans were using it as well as waterboarding. Torture by pun.

Well, you could be called in at any moment. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. There's been stuff in the paper this week about hairstyles. And Laura has radically changed her hairstyles. Oh, it's a thing that women have 104 hairstyles in their lifetime. Oh, what rubbish. I've only had two.

And the only other one was when I was 11 and they made me look like Juliet Bravo. And I didn't go back there. Anyway, as you were. Laura has... And also there was a thing about blondes being paid more. Well, I think we all know that's true. Well, it depends what they're doing. Depends which alley you're in.

Was it Jill Gascoigne? Jill Gascoigne, the gentle touch. Oh, wasn't she Juliette Brava? No, that was someone else. Okay. She was a gentle touch. I was in that. Were you?

That's the last gentle touch you've had. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, so Laura has gone blonde. Laura, she says, is Garrett's wife. She's a teacher, so she's off over the summer. Is it proper for a teacher to go blonde? Well, it's the summer, so she can do as she likes. Yeah.

It's a bit Ruth Ellis, though, isn't it? Well, you don't know what sort of blonde... Ruth Ellis was the last British woman to be hanged in 1955. So that's a cheering thought for you. Yeah Well you don't know what sort of blonde Bruce Ellis was the last British person woman to be hanged in 1955 So that's a cheering thought for you Yeah I don't remember So Gareth

Oh well I don't remember Alexander the Great but I know who he is Once again someone has mistaken history with memory I do remember Alexander the Great

on the other hand I was there around that time Gareth what sort of shade of blonde because I sometimes find in the street

I want to go up to these women and go stop you've gone too blonde and I do sometimes but in Laura's don't call Laura these women

no but Laura's actually got a very pretty face and fair colouring and I think she could carry it off what you mean really blonde blonde

like Ruth Ellis the last woman to be had in Britain in 1955 her aim was Gwen Stefani that was what to be had in Britain in 1955 her aim was Gwen Stefani that was what she was going for

no I think her aim was that play by Rupert Effort but she hit the wall of the Magdala twice before she actually got him oh sorry

you're right oh Gwen Stefani well Gwen Stefani is a very beautiful woman I don't think there's any dispute about that anyway it's been

very interesting the difference so one thing is I don't recognise her you know you have an instinctive recognition she lives in your house yeah but like i saw i was waiting to get picked up by this from the station train station by her i saw our coming towards our car coming towards me i thought who is our our is some mysterious figure we just call R. R Cumming. I thought it was E. Cumming's brother. I saw R.C. coming towards us,

and then I thought, oh, no, it's a blonde person. It can't be it. And then I realised it was R. But how long was this after she'd had it dyed? Just in the next few days. So it took a while for you to get used to it. But still, yeah, no, but still, I have to, I double take. But the other thing is, we went shopping.

Yes, you do double take. Some people just take, but you. That poor woman, no wonder she's gone blonde. She's gone white, that Marie Antoinette. She got treated so well when we went shopping. Before, we've just gone shopping and people... Well, people think she's an albino. I mean, they get a lot of public sympathy and quite rightly i mean johnny and edgar winter they went across the road at

times they were perfectly people aren't nicer to you when you're blonde i found although is this a known thing well i briefly went a bit blonder aside from juliet bravo which right you might remember this was some years ago and i can't't really do it because I'm quite dark. You look like your Andy Warhol face. Well, I did look a bit Arms Dealer's Wife because of the eyebrows. I was treated very well in Knightsbridge, but that was it, really. But I thought what women always say is that they get more attention from men when they go blonde. Yeah, but other women, I don't know about that.

But other women in... Oh, he got a bit defensive there, didn't he? Sorry, I brought that up. Oh, something's happened. I didn't mean no arm bite, Mr Holmes. Your demographic changes, though, is what I'll say. Has she changed, though? Is she a different person now she's blonde?

I don't know. I think maybe a little bit. Just a second. I'll be with you in one moment. Well, it's hard to answer these questions off the top of my head. It's a Gareth moment and I enjoy it. It is like Hello, Hello because first she was like the brunette waitress and now she's the blonde waitress.

Well, the blonde waitress is much less attractive, though. The blonde waitress, I think, is a person who's tried to overcompensate for not being... Because some people think, well, if I go blonde, everyone who's blonde is attractive. But Laura doesn't need to do that because she's pretty anyway. Exactly. She is attractive. I'm not disputing that for one second. Oh, God, it's been a difficult morning in many ways.

What me, a 53-year-old man, barely breathing. That's the morning! So, look, we've-year-old man, barely breathing. That's the morning! So, look, we've got a special showcase moment. You know, it's not often that radio stations get to showcase an exclusive new track. And maybe I should play this and then I'll tell you who it is after. This is a brand new song which will be available on download from this Monday coming. This is called Dave the Fridge. We can't play it all.

I'm just going to play you just a little bit. My friend Dave is white Just like a fridge Dave doesn't wash so he gently hums Just like a fridge His light comes on when you open the door You can only use Dave for what Dave is for And Dave at a party is a bit of a bore

Just like a fridge Just like a fridge Yes Just like a fridge. Yes, and that was by Gareth Richards. And Gareth Richards, you may not know, he's Gareth. That's me. Off of Gareth. So what do you call it, an EP? Is it an EP?

Is that what it is, an EP? Yeah. EP, five songs. It's the songs from my Edinburgh show. Yes. And another one, probably. There's four songs from the show. You've done one of those additional material things.

So that any Gareth Richards completists have to buy even if they've got the other tracks. It's that whole thing. I like it. The EP is called These Songs Could Be Used In Adverts. Yes. Well, let's hope that happens. You've become a very rich young man.

Maybe you could upgrade my sister and a girlfriend. That's the sort of thing. I liked your little interview. It was quite Emma Crosby and Jordan there. I enjoyed it. A little GMTV chat. Yeah, I enjoyed it. He didn't say, you know what I'm like.

I'm glad to say. This year I hope to get married again. I hope to have another baby. That's what I would say if I was Jordan. Well, just phone Andy Saltzman if you want another baby, and he'll come round and... Oh, yeah, he delivers. Oh, yeah, he always delivers. I like that.

So we're all going to be getting ready in the toilets later, aren't we? Oh, of course. It's Emma's big... Emma? Emma! Emma Crosby! Sorry, it's Emma Crosby's birthday today. You're fantasising about working with her. I know you think she's bland and I kind of agree, but I imagine you could take her home and she wouldn't upset anyone

and that's a nice thing. Obviously, another two weeks on GMTV, that won't be true because she'll probably be snorting dry hamster blood. But anyway, so it's your birthday party tonight. We're all very excited. A birthday party tonight. Now, everyone's going to be bringing their partners, which I'm really excited. So it's going to be like the WAGs, meeting all the WAGs.

Love it. You'll be bringing Blondie, I presume. Yeah, Blondie's coming. That is exciting. You'll have Kath. Emma's going to have Mike Newman. Just letting you know everyone's partner's name. Yes. Oh, Mike. And I'm glad she said partners.

I thought she was going to say presents. And Daisy's going to bring her boyfriend as well. We're not allowed to call him a boyfriend. Not yet. Not yet. Yeah. We can. For some reason.

Can we? Yeah. She's not the boss of us. She's mad about him, let's face it. And I... So there'll be presents, won't there? I hope there's presents. Yes.

That's instead of... Yeah, because... But what's difficult is I am expecting presents, but I don't want to set aside a table for presents because that looks presumptuous, doesn't it? And also you don't want a table set aside for presents with one small thing on it. Oh, wouldn't that be awful?

Especially if it was my present. Is your present bad? It's a seahorse on a wet wipe. I couldn't get the tank. I couldn't get a tank that was easily transportable. And I thought, well, there's enough moisture. That's got to be three or four hours worth. I've got you a table, so that won't work out.

Oh, well, if you put that on the table, people will think it's shot. I wish I'd bought you a tablecloth. That would have been absolutely marvellous. Anyway, it's been fabulous

to be back. Oh, you're back now? Yes, brilliant. And next week, I'm on holiday for a fortnight. What? Yes.

Again? You're going away again? The last one was work. You're like Fergie. Yes, I know. Who's going to be filling in now? Well, I had to sack

all my staff. Yes, I know. Who's going to be filling in now? Well, I had to sack all my staff. Yes, I'm going to Norway for two weeks. Norway? Oh, that's a bit odd for a summer holiday, babe. Well, I like Northern Europe. Oh. We're going to go on a glacier and stuff like that. Oh, nice beach holiday.

You get your... Oh, no, I don't like... Get your towel out on the glacier. I can't swim, whereas I can, well, walk. So that'll be... I'm sorry. I mean, I thought I was going to be doing the show from South Africa, so I planned a holiday after and then... So I'm sorry, but I will be back after that,

and then I'm never having another week off ever. So we'll have a new part of the new five. So who's filling in this time? Lee Mack. Oh, for goodness sake. Oh, I like him. Oh, what? Yeah, he's fabulous, Lee Mack. And, yeah, he will be brilliant.

I had a lovely email while I was in South Africa from Absolute. Did you? Saying great news. The podcasts, they've increased since you've been away. They didn't say that. They did say that. So that's how they build your morale on this station. Couldn't you believe it?

They didn't say that. That's what they said. Podcasts have increased since Can you believe it? He didn't say that. That's what they said. Podcasts have increased. He didn't say that. You got upset because it said Frank and team, and Frank was in inverted commas. Look, the news is about to start. Ben Jones is banging on the glass trying to get in here.

He's like a GMTV presenter. He does. He looks enraged to me. He looks like... I'll tell you what he looks like. He looks like a Charlie Brown character that just got in the pilot and then didn't get in the series. You know the one with the baseball cap and the glasses?

Oh, I know he didn't get in the series. Oh, I liked him. Anyway, Ben Jones is next. I love him, really. And I am in Norway for two weeks, but I love you all as well. And it's been joyous. Oh oh and don't forget that although i am away on wednesday you'll be able to download that not the weekend podcast which is back and that's all new uh stuff um good day to you we only have this excellent this is frank skinner absolute radio