The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Ben Miller

Episode Date: February 27, 2010

This week's show was very show business with talk about the BAFTAs, Frank's film epiphany and Ben Miller's new movie 'Huge'.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. OK. Hello! Don't say OK when I'm doing my introduction, for goodness sake.

That was the producer. It's now on the... She's on the podcast. Do you know she's been creeping in more and more? Yeah, well, a lot of these producers... I blame Chris Evans in the TFI days. He used to get the producer and they became a bit of a character on it. Do you know what I'm saying?

His naked ambition's not in the character. No, it is. No, I think... The dark days are over. Sorry. I don't know what that meant. No. I'm all right with it, though.

I don't need to know. There's lots of things on this. The stuff I say, which I don't fully comprehend. Oh, yeah. You just accept that now. So welcome to the absolute podcast, Frank Skinner thing. What has it got a title? Well, I don't know, but we've been doing it a year, Frank Skinner thing. What has it got a title? Well, I don't know, but we've been doing it a year, Frank,

and you still haven't established that. We've been doing it for 50 weeks, I think, to be precise. Nearly a year. Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio Show Podcast. Yes. Is that it? Frank Skinner's Absolute, yeah. Welcome to Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio Show Podcast.

I'm here with Emily and Gareth, and we were just sitting here chewing the fat about today's show. You can imagine the fun we've had. And the guest today was Ben Miller. And I must say, he was absolutely marvellous. Oh, I loved Ben Miller. Such a funny man and nice. And he's smartly dressed, clean.

Because people come in, sometimes they just come in their pajamas. He looked amazing. Did he look amazing? Yeah, I think he did. I don't feel able to judge him in that capacity. Okay. Would you say he was a handsome man? Yes, I would.

You see, I liked him when he had the short peroxide blonde hair. Did he have that? Yeah. Oh, I'd forgotten that. Johnny Lee Miller, you're thinking of Johnny Lee Miller. No, you're thinking of Billy Idol. No, he had very short... When he was in Eurythmics, he had that...

Oh, no, it wasn't. No, he did. He used to have short... When I first met him, he had short peroxide blonde hair. He was much more rock and roll. Now he's a bit more diary of an Edwardian lady. I imagine him inspecting his trout farm. But that wasn't a euphemism if anyone's thinking, you know, it was because it wasn't. So that creaking

by the way is my chair, don't panic about it. Everything's going to be alright if you're sitting and listening to this. I mean, a lot of people listen on the train apparently to this. We get a lot of train listeners. If you're listening to this on the train now, I want you to look around all the people around you and I want you to

ask yourself which one of them is most likely to have killed someone and hidden the fact i think it usually wherever you are on a train you see someone you could well believe yeah that's killed maybe maybe they were married in australia and they killed the wife and then fled over here and So just see if you can spot who that is. Because out of us three, can I be honest, it's you, Gareth. I'm sorry, Gareth, you are the one who I would look at. Well, that's the spectacles. I know.

I think spectacles, it's a toss of a coin between librarian and murderer. I've always thought that. And this knife I carry around dripping with blood just doesn't look good. Yeah, well, I thought that was given to you by your friend Raymond Blanc. That's what I thought. I thought he'd been in a bit of botchery and said, hey, Gareth. Oh, yeah, you can hear Gareth talking about all his showbiz friends, like Raymond Blanc. Oh, name drop. It's name drop

central with Gareth today. He was in the programme. And I might mention briefly the BAFTAs. And I might mention about the fact that I'm the patron of the Vesta Tilly Society, which is based in Worcester. Vesta Tilly?

Vesta Tilly was a woman who used to do impressions of men in the music hall. Oh. Get over it. Do, yo, be, go, go! We have to begin, I think, with Will Wayne Bridge shake hands with John Terry. I've been able to sleep tonight thinking about that. You'll be able to sleep tonight because it will have already happened. The Sun have mocked up a picture of how

it might look if they shake hands. Yes, because we'd like to know. Which was helpful because we couldn't possibly envisage that in any other way. The trouble is with footballers, they're so unimaginative. Clearly what Wayne Bridge should do is get one of those hand buzzers from a joke show. Which would be like the best

way to defuse the whole situation. Oh, he's got to say... And just see John Terry wince and be a bit humiliated. Or a giant gladiator's foam hand. That's what I'd do. I think he might pick up on that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he could do that.

He could do the false hand. You know, the last-minute thumbing of the nose. Oh, that would be... That would bring the house down. But instead, he'll just look a bit sullen. I suspect he'll look a bit sullen and John Terry will just walk past and the crowd will go, ooh.

I hope the crowd really build it up so when it comes to their hands, they're going, what? Yeah, exactly. I'm quite excited about it. I want to know what happens. Oh, yeah, I'll be watching, don't you worry. Well, I'll quite excited about it. I want to know what happens. Oh, yeah, well, I'll be watching, don't you worry. Well, I'll probably listen to it on the radio.

That'll be a really good way of experiencing the whole thing. Yeah. I don't know why they have... On the radio, why do they bother going to the games? Why don't they just sit and just tell you what's happening? And then you'd just believe them anyway. I'd put in bogus goals. I'd put at least two goals a game that didn't happen.

I was a radio commentator. One sending off. And maybe a small fire, maybe, in the press room. I'd add, just as a bit of background. Sorry if I'm joking. Just a bit of a fire in the press room. Who'd know? Easy.

So, you had a bit of a fancy night out, didn't you, madam, this week? Well, I might have. Hey, hey, hey, you had a fancy night out, didn't you? Hey, hey, didn't you? You've turned into your ventriloquist dummy. Oh, yeah. I've not that yet. I might have gone to the BAFTAs.

Did you two go? I watched it on the telly. Oh, extraordinary. Me too, I did. Extraordinary. Anyway, I went to the BAFTAs. Oh my God, it was amazing, guys. It was so good.

I did the radio. I thought Ben Jones was going from Absolute Radio. Ben Jones from Absolute Radio follows us at 10 o'clock this morning. There you go, I've clogged the man. He told me he was going, but I didn't see him. You didn't see him? No, I think we might have been in separate areas. That's a good way of putting it, isn't it?

Were you separated by a velvet rope? Well, I was on table one. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. I don't know which one he was on. I think he was on car park four. But Ben is... We meet Ben when we close the show.

Ben is just coming in. And he's a lovely chap. Oh, I love Ben. I mean, he wears a baseball cap. But, you know, everyone has a flaw. You know, Othello was jealous. King Lear still wanted to maintain some sort of power, having given up the responsibility of power.

Macbeth was very ambitious. Ben wears a baseball cap. And, you know, it's a bit Pride of Britain, that, for me. I don't know if he wore it at the BAFTAs. Anyway. I bet he did. I've never seen him without it. Oh, OK.

I'm sorry, there's no top on his head. That's my theory. He's like an egg cop. He was a judge, though. He told me he was a judge. Well, now, I'd like to get to the bottom of this, because there's an orange, right, and they sponsored the new, was it called the new face?

Yeah, orange new face or something. Orange new face, there's Cat Dealey in there. And anyway, so Ben told us last week, he said, I'm there because I was one of the judges for that. And I was quite impressed by that. So I watched the BAFTAs in public vote. Now, okay, he might have voted in the public vote, which makes him a judge of some kind, but that means that I was a judge in the last general election.

Well, you were. Well, yeah, but I mean, I wouldn't tell people that. That's like saying I was a judge on Let's Dance for Sport. Oh, no, I was a judge on that. But, yeah, he was telling us he was the judge. I imagine him, you know, sitting in some room somewhere at the bathtub place at Piccadilly, maybe in robes of some kind, with a gavel.

Instead, he was ringing in on 0891. Yeah, exactly. I mean, he's built the whole thing up. Oh, he's built his part up. So that would explain why he told me he was a judge on Britain's Got Talent. I thought I hadn't spotted it. He said he was a judge on Britain's Got Talent. I thought I hadn't spotted it. He said he was a judge three weeks on the row.

40 pence minimum, I think he said. It cost him. Yeah, and I think he said he had to tell the person who paid the bill before he was a judge. I don't make any sense at all. Absolute Radio. We were just talking about the BAFTAs, which Emily actually went to.

Me and Gary just watched it on telly. Did you watch it on telly? I did watch it on telly, yeah. OK. I'll tell you what surprised me, just from watching it on telly, obviously it's not the same as being there. No, let's hear about what it felt like on telly. It's much more interesting.

What you're doing, you're getting a lot of professional actors going up on stage. I mean, people at the very top of the acting profession. Stars, acting stars, you're getting up there. And then they come, these are the ones who present the awards. Yeah. Big names. And they come up and say, the art of the director

is a mysterious, and I think, what is that? It's like a, it's like a child reading, you know when you give a child a bit of cardboard and they're going,

Janet and John went over a hill. You know, like a five-year-old child. Well, I've got the inside insight on that. Do they still read Janet and John? Am I shouting myself to be a little out of date? No, it's not 1953. They don't. Also, they don't read age five now.

I think it's about 15 they get to that stage. The autocue was too small. They couldn't read it. That's why they were reading it badly. No, they can't act. Put them in front of an audience. They're all very well on a film set where they can do it 20 times.

But put them in front of an audience. They're just snivelling, posh people going, just get off the stage. Jealous, March. Now. I'm not jealous. Am I jealous of Vanessa Redgrave?

Am I jealous of someone who seemed to cut their speech into lines and put it into a bag and then draw them out one at a time and just say random things? Am I jealous of that? That was mental, yeah. My father once took me to get an ice cream. I like strawberries. I had the marquesa ones.

Yes, and I watched the television the other day. Winston Churchill was in charge of this country during the Second World War. Reading 3, West Bromwich Albion 2. New York, that's a beautiful city. I mean, what, are you alright, Vanessa?

No, I'm not alright. Then she said, as Rosalind says in As You Like It, thank you, BAFTA. I don't remember her saying that in As You Like It. Yes, that was probably two bits of paper stuck together. I mean, she knelt in front of the Prince William. The Prince William. I'm calling him the Prince William, why not?

Is he a pub now? Yeah, I've knelt in front of a few pubs in my time. But, you know, I didn't like it when she nailed in front of him i thought she was gonna take the thank you stage too far that's what i thought i thought i thought she might end up with an air in her mouth oh but um anyway my dress oh sorry your dress yes of course it was amazing what what what mate was he well it was a designer called alessandra rich it's too expensive for me because because I've got champagne taste, but beer money. I won't lie, that's the truth.

OK. But I have friends in high places, so it was lent to me. I couldn't afford it. It cost about £5,000. It was amazing. You wore a £5,000 dress? I might have. Oh, I hope you put a napkin over yourself

when you had the chicken. They always have chicken at that. I've never been to one of those things where there isn't chicken. Or ribs. Oh, no, beef medallions we had. Beef medallions? Yeah. You couldn't wear one of them with a dress on. I've never been to one of those things where there isn't chicken. Or ribs. Oh, no, beef medallions we had. Beef medallions? Yeah.

You couldn't wear one of them with a dress on. I would love to have gone up. If I'd won a BAFTA, I'd go up wearing a beef medallion. Why not? I'm surprised Vanessa didn't. Let's face it. Well, exactly.

I'm surprised she didn't wear the whole dinner. So I worked the red carpet, waved to the people behind the crash barriers, like a journalist I know, and went, hi, what are you doing here? What you meant was, what are you doing there? The other side of the road. I'm glad you had a fabulous night.

I did. But I did have an incident, Frank. Oh. Well, look, we've got to play some adverts. I think we can hold ourselves. I really want to know now what it was. Oh, God. See, I went for the wrong button.

I went for the button that destroys Wiltshire. I don't know if you know we have that here. We have a missile trained on Wiltshire. I don't know what it is. It's some sort of grudge by the owners. I don't understand it. Wiltshire. I don't know what it is. It's some sort of grudge by the owners.

I don't understand it. But I nearly... It's a big thing saying, you know, don't press this unless you're on an anti-Wiltshire thing. And by God, I nearly took out... Well, at least Stonehenge would have been... That would have just been like rocks lying around, facing various directions. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skier on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth We've had some texts in Frank Now my favourite one is from Steve in Herne Bay who says I just thought I'd let you know I got my hair cut this week and one of my friends noticed and said it's a bit Frank Skinner

I was made up What are you made up as? Frankenstein I don't know what that means well exactly is it rhyming slang does it mean it's getting thinner is that what he's saying because i know it is it's in the official rhyming slang dictionary for dinner frank skinner yeah what about that wow um i i mean i don't know what it means by that does it mean because i've gone ahead like a light bulb i just went, mmm?

I didn't contradict you there, note. For any old Dan Dare fans, when I curl my hair right back, I look like the Mekon. Trust me. Sometimes I look at you and I think you've had an idea. Yeah. No, you think my throat has had an idea.

Yeah. Because I've got my big lightbulb swollen. I'm an enormous brain. Enormous. A brain like the great buttock of an ox. That's what I've got my big light bulb swollen. I'm an enormous brain. I'm enormous. A brain like the great buttock of an ox. That's what I've got. I'm stuck with it. What can you do?

So it needs warehousing. Hence the mighty cranium. Is that explained? Hence the mighty cranium. Thank you. I like the way you've slightly immortalised that phrase. I like that. Oh, you like this, you like that,

you like everything. That's your trouble. So, yeah, any other texts? Well, we had another text in, actually, that came in during the week. Do you remember? We were talking about people getting phrases wrong. Well, we were talking about my girlfriend getting phrases wrong. Well, we were, actually.

Your GF. Yes. And Joanne Hemingway has texted in, saying, my boyfriend... Joanne Hemingway? I'm liking the name. I don't know if it's any relation to Ernest. I hope it is.

I'm hoping it's a relation to Wayne. Carry on. My boyfriend sounds like your girlfriend. Last week he was so frustrated with someone not listening to him, he said he'd had to keep repeating himself until he was blue in the teeth. I'm liking it.

See, I'm loving it. There isn't enough of that going on. I know. It's a difficult thing, the English language. I think we all admit that. Oh, Garrett's poised to read. We had some other ones from Carl Morton. He said some things happened to him.

Where's he from? Morton. Oh. No, that's his surname. I don't know where he's from. Okay. He says, myself and friends were talking, and I said, imagine how bad it would be to be eaten by an animal.

I love that people sit around talking about stuff like that. I mean, there's major political upheavals going on in the Western world, but how bad it would be to be eaten by an animal. Just partly eaten, or completely. Well, I'll read on. He says, so they're talking about being by an animal i mean i said if a lion was coming for me and i had a gun i'd shoot myself in the head before it could get me yeah yeah i mean to be fair to him he's accepted the fact that in those split second things what

can often make the wrong decision it's a bit like the gold run on blockbuster you know bob always wanted to say it's all very well for you sitting at home but if you're actually on the gold one and i imagine if you're watching someone being attacked by a lion on video you think oh well don't use the gun on yourself you but when you're there you know oh yes well that's that's all very well i am what's that thing you was on about about food oh okay now i'm quite obsessed by this because there was a piece in the paper about people mispronouncing food words, you know, when they order stuff in restaurants. Right. So instead of bruschetta, they'll say brisketta or something.

Right, OK. And they had a little... Not a cardinal scene in my book. Oh, it's quite bad for me. OK. No, I was on a date with this guy, and you know that pasta that's sort of like... Well, I can believe that. Oh, you know that pasta that's kind of...

It's called penne. You know the sort of pasta I have to explain to you. It's called penne. I know the one. It's like a tube. Exactly, it's a tube. So the guy I was with, I made my order and the guy I was with said to the waiter, yeah, can I have the pen, please?

And I swear, I thought he was going to get a pen out of his pocket. It was awful. I thought, I can't go out with someone like that. So you dumped him on the strength of one tiny mispronunciation. I waited a week and then I dumped him. Sometimes people can be too good, though. I was in a cafe with a bloke and he called the waiter. It was an Italian place, admittedly.

And he said, can we have a due cappuccini? Well, I mean, shut your face. I didn't want it after that. I could have threw it at him. I don't like it when people get words wrong, though. My mum does a lot of these. My mum says halloumi cheese. She calls it halloumi.

OK. It's not that bad. No, why don't you just leave her alone? I mean, she's 98. Not as bad as that bloke you said to me. She speaks to a machine. I mean, give's 98. Not as bad as that bloke you said to me. She speaks through a machine. I mean, give her a chance. Could be a fault in that.

Have a look at that. Look at that keyboard. She doesn't talk through a machine. That's her voice. Oh, OK. Sorry. I don't know where I got that from. I just imagine she might talk through a machine.

Doesn't make her a bad person. If she did, because there's anyone listening who talks through a machine. Respect to you. She uses a telephone sometimes. Well, there you go then. Doesn't make her a bad person. If she did, is there anyone listening who talks through a machine? Respect to you. She uses a telephone sometimes. Well, there you go then. Don't call me a liar and then back me off in the same breath.

Well, maybe not the same breath, but well, you know what I mean. My dad used to talk about the writer Somerset Matham instead of Somerset Maugham. And he also used to say antiquity instead of etiquette. Yes, you could do with learning a bit of antiquity,

he used to say to me. We used to laugh, we used to sit at home, sawdust on the floor, two or three bull terriers slumbering at the fireside. And the whip at Shep. Yeah, the whip, it was called Cal. Oh, that was Cal. Shep was a Staffordshire bull terrier.

Oh, excuse me. I don't want to go through my entire dog list on here i ate a dog list on morning radio oh especially if annalsations involve my worst dog so on chic awful yeah common and chic yeah frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio oh what else we've had an email um fyi to the lady on the show getting wound up Absolute Radio What else? We've had an email, FYI, to the lady on the show getting wound up about mispronunciations. Excuse me, don't call me a lady like that. Dude looks like a lady. Actually, lady looks slightly like a dude.

I'm happy to look like a dude. Anyway, carry on. In Italian, bruschetta has a hard C and is pronounced with a sk, not a sh sound. If it didn't have a h, it would be soft. Bruschetta. Bruschetta. What is this?

Is this Radio 4? People are tuning in. All this is with the Radio 4 Italian workshop programme. I don't know. Which we don't normally listen to, to be honest, on a Saturday morning. But I was condemning... We're asking for trouble with Emily's article from The Guardian talking about mispronouncing posh foods.

And now I've been hoist. I was condemning others' mispronunciation. I was actually once hoisted by Patrick Stewart, the man who plays Captain Peacock. Really? I was at Heathrow and he'd come behind me, put his hand right under my crotch area

oh, crying disgusting he went past the key points he grabbed my belt buckle from behind so his arm's right under me, imagine that and then he stood upright and I went whoa, up in the air yeah, that was Patrick Stewart

he's a bit of a practical joker I didn't fall though I kept balance for a second there Yeah, that was Patrick Stewart. He's a bit of a practical joker. I didn't fall, though. I kept balance. For a second there, I looked like an enormous novelty wristwatch on his arm. Yeah. What's this black Labrador you've been going on about this morning? Well, you see, there's been a fabulous story this week.

Trio, T-R-E-O, he spelled, is a black Labrador who was in the army. Yeah. Well, he failed his exams. He didn't know what to do with his life. Exactly, yeah. There's no work in his area for dogs. He used to... He applied for a job biting the forearms of birds.

Have you noticed that whenever you see those dogs being trained, they only ever bite the forearm? They have the fat forearm padded, and they run with the arm behind them in some... Like, no-one ever runs like that, and the dog bites the forearm. The thing, if you ever burgle a house, just wear very, very thick gauntlets up to the elbow,

and that... You'll be fine. Damage you. Anyway, so Trio was in the army, which really, if you think about it, he was... He wasn't, you you know he obviously didn't enlist no he didn't say he had no choice no it was like a press game you know one minute he's

walking down the street perhaps perhaps on the end of a homeless person's string next thing you know he's in anyway he's won he's won a prize for bravery and what he did he went into fields in iraq and stuff and sniffed out Taliban bombs. Right. Now, I don't know if you've ever looked up the word bravery. But what it means is that knowledge of fear and then going on. It doesn't mean being told there's a bone in a field and going in and not finding the bone, just finding some metal stuff that's ticking.

That's not bravery. That's just using dogs as just bait. They might as well have just thrown them in. Are you saying the trio doesn't deserve the honour? I'm saying trio, no, in my opinion, no disrespect to the owner, but, I mean, then again, the owner, obviously, how much does he love trio when he's sending him in the bomb field?

There's a bone over there that smells like plastic explosives. Yes. Go get it, boys! Go get it! I don't. I wish he brought it back. That would have... Get off, Trio! Get off! Get off! Anyway, there's no bravery involved, and I think

Trio's medal has been taken under false pretenses. It's like those dogs that jump through the fiery hoops. I can't bear those. When you get the display when you when you get the display teams oh i can't when you get five alsatians on a motorbike no but it's always alsatians the common dogs that's why i don't like it i know but they don't wear the helmets you know they risk they risk the whole thing five of them on a motorbike and they hang out two hangs out at

the side like for balance you just see the extended pause. I like that, I must admit. Oh, I don't mind them going up ramps and jumping through. I think those dogs, I don't mind giving them a medal. They're singing for their supper. Yeah, but not a dog that thinks it's looking for treats. I mean, I'm sorry. If there's anyone

in here who was moved by that story this week, you're mental. That's what I'm saying. There'll be a further list of people who are mental later in the show. That's alright, isn't it? And Bess, did you see that thing that Leona Lewis

has got a tattoo? She's had a new tattoo. So apparently Leona Lewis... Hold on, I have a list of what's written here. Can I carry on or do I have to do the adverts now? Emma. You can carry on. OK, thanks very much.

Oh, Emma had a little cameo role. She doesn't normally speak. She loved that. I thought she was quite good, actually, because some people would have built it up, do you know what I mean? I can't imagine what you mean. Yes, Frank, why don't you continue?

Like some people, we won't go into. Anyway, well, I won't go into, and that's a fact. So, this is what it says. This is written down Leona Lewis's back, right? It says, Their beauty captures every eye, a gift from God for all mankind. They lend us wings so we may fly. To ride a horse is to ride the sky.

Now, first of all, I would say it's quite unwise for Leona Lewis to have any horse references anywhere about her body. Why? I'm just saying, why put the thought into people's minds, right? And also, it's a very, it's not going to make people think she's really interesting. It's going to make

people think we're right about her. Well, she's got a very long back. She must be. It goes from the main right down to her fetlocks. Frank, stop it. Yes. If I was going to... It's a rubbish... If I was going to have something like,

Oh, I have been to Ludlow Fair and left my necktie God knows where. Oh. Of course. I forgot it was a houseman. Can we reset it? Because I want to reset that. Sorry, everyone.

What was I thinking? A houseman alarm. Absolute. Radio. Yes, but my point is, obviously, these dogs are saving the lives of soldiers, and that's a brilliant thing. I'd happily send a million dogs out

to save the life of one soldier, happily, right I mean dogs, there's plenty of dogs about if you need more, but they don't know they're doing it, that's my point and don't give them a medal give them a sweet just give them a sweet, be happier with that

OK, anyway The dog days are over That was dog days are over Now, Frank, while Florence and the Machine. Now, Frank, while I was at the BAFTAs this week, Gareth was doing something even more showbiz.

Yes. You know, I'm married, but you can still do exciting things if you're married, you know. Well, I know that. Look at... Look at... Ashley Cole.

Angie Bowie. And Ashley Cole, you did very exciting. Were they exciting or were they drab in the extreme? We went to Winchester this week, Laura and I. Brilliant. And we went to...

Is that within the range of our Wiltshire Missile? Well, I don't know. I was just thinking. It might be a bit of fallout. You'd feel the reverberations, I'm sure. Oh, God. And we went to a cafe, a little cafe that had lovely cakes in the window,

and it was the Maison Blanc. And it was run by Raymond Blanc. Oh, my God, I only met Mickey Rourke this week. Tell me about the chef. Well, anyway... Do you know what I like about Mickey Rourke? There's still a handsome man in there.

It's like he's had an enormous candle on the top of his head and a lot of wax has run over his features. So you can see the nice man inside, but there's all globules and lobs all over him. Anyway, get back to Raymond Blanc. Well, that would have been exciting enough, just going to the cafe where he was working. But he was working.

But he was there. Brilliant. He was there. I wouldn't know him if he came in here now. No, I wouldn't. How did you know him? I wouldn't have known that I knew him. But when I saw him, I did know who it was. I saw a nice...

Actually, I saw a nice pencil sketch of him, so I probably would have recognised him. Somebody obviously drew a blog. Oh. I'm terribly sorry, everyone. If you're listening tonight, it was just a little bit of fun. Anyway, he was there telling off the lady about the toilet in there, the waitress.

This is such a glamorous anecdote. I can't believe it. Just let me tell this story. Go on. Anyway, what do you think about this, right? There were some ladies, and he was being very charming, going, oh, you enjoy the food?

Do you like it? Oh, you have a little one did you not have some ice cream or souffle i know he's not ready for that yet anyway he went to talk to some old ladies and he had had a chocolate eclair that i had was very nice but he'd only eaten half of it and he was chatting to the old ladies and they were saying something and he goes oh yeah i have only eaten half of this chocolate declare you can have the other half he said to you no to the old ladies and he gave the old ladies the eaten half of this chocolate eclair. You can have the other half. He said to you? No, to the old ladies. And he gave the old ladies the other half of his chocolate eclair.

Oh, and did they eat it? Yeah. I suppose if you're very old, what have you got to lose? It's a sort of chocolate eclair Russian roulette, they would say. Or maybe they'd had enough. He's like, I know what will kill you. I've got half a chocolate eclair over there. What a very benevolent, big-hearted man Raymond Blanc is.

I might go round his shop hoping for the on-the-off chance for half a cake with his terrible spit and teeth marks on it. I look forward to that. Anyway, Ben Miller is our guest today. He's on After the News. Oh, I love him. Oh, he's great, Ben Miller. Fabulous. Absolute. Radio's on After the News. Oh, I love him. Oh, he's great, Ben Miller.

Fabulous. Absolute. Radio. What about the Gordon Brown thing? What do we think about that? Apparently, he's got a bit of a temper on him. He had what they call in the business a little shouty-screamy. Yeah, but I think that's all right, isn't it?

I like the idea. Well, yeah, we know you think that's all right. Well. Well, when I heard that helpline had had things, the bullying helpline had had calls from No. 10 Downing Street office, I assumed it was from him. I assumed he was complaining about everyone in the country bullying him. Yeah. Well, I thought what they need to sort out the National Bullying Helpline

is they need to put in an ante or a stop or something in their title. Apparently they have loads of bullies phone up and say, you know, can you give me any tips on demanding dinner money with menaces? And somebody asked for a fact sheet on the Chinese burn. So they need to sort the title out, the stupid, that big fat ginger woman who runs that. The big fat ginger woman? Yes, we've said it twice now, so what?

Big fat ginger woman? Hold on, big fat ginger woman who wears glasses and is called Pratt. So she'll know about being bullied if anyone does. We've very badly dyed her. She is represented by, guess who she's represented by? Our favourite friend of the show. Is it... Max Clifford.

It is. Oh, good. One day I'm going to phone him up and ask him to represent me, even though I'm not in any sort of career crisis. Just, I'll say I'm going out for dinner. Would you mind representing me this evening? Just, you know, when I'm in the restaurant, go around saying to people,

look at that bloke over there, he's great. But the trouble is, as soon as he represents you, it's just so damning. He needs to get one good client, like the Dalai Lama, that's all he needs. And then people will actually think, oh, maybe he's not so bad. That's what I think.

I think if he, I feel if he represented the Dalai Lama, in no time at all he'd be involved in a sex scandal. I think it's a bit chicken and egg with Max. I think, you know, you can start with the crisis or he'll happily take you to one if that's what you're looking for. Yeah, I mean, people either stand by him looking ashamed because of what they've done or ashamed because they're standing next to Max Clifford.

Or ashamed because he's wearing the leather jacket. Well, you say leather, I say leather suede and some sort of knit. I say pleather. Do you? Pleather. That's a problem you've got. Has anyone ever, also, has any news programme ever phoned Max Clifford and said, can you come and give a comment on this?

And he'd say, no, I'm a bit busy. Also, you know, it's not a big enough job for me. Has he ever said that? Get a comment on anything. Get a comment. He was on the telly the other day talking about the Titanic. It didn't make any sense. But, I mean, I like the fact that

Gordon Brown, one of the things he did, there'd been meetings and an official would start talking and he'd just walk out. He'd just stand up and walk out in the middle of it without saying anything. That's brilliant, isn't it? And apparently he used to jab the front seat very hard with his black pen, leaving marks all over it because he got so angry when things didn't go his way. Yeah, because he'd sit behind the passenger seat and he used to jab, but that's all right. I imagine that couch is completely black now at Cream Club.

Well, he's under a lot of stress because he used to eat, you know, he used to eat like eight Kit Kats a day, Gordon Brown. Oh, did he? And he felt it was affecting his weight, which I suppose... That's kittens. It was. Kittens. I don't think he did that.

And so he switched to bananas. He switched to eight bananas as a substitute. And it's no substitutes. I don't know if you've ever tried doing that crack thing with a banana when you break it in two halves. The sound is very unsatisfying. What you can do with a banana though is if you sort of Hold on a minute. Let me just check this before you say

it. What's it? No, if you squeeze it, you can actually squeeze it and it will break into three sections. That's rubbish. It is true. That is absolutely not true. Bring me a banana. That's not true. Bring me a banana. No, that's not true. Bring me a banana. I think you're thinking of a beetle. A banana will split into three.

I've never heard such nonsense in all my life. We'll be back. We'll be back with Ben Miller afterwards, which I'm very excited about. He knows about physics and things. He can tell us about the banana. He'll tell us if a banana can split into three. Then you'll be hoisted by your own banana.

And I don't know if... I mean, that happened to me once on Old Towers. It was an accident. Oh, I nearly choked. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ben Miller has joined us. Good morning. It is Ben Miller has joined us. Good morning.

It is Ben Miller! Miller! Yeah, fantastic. Great to see you. I think you're one of our first return guests. I was, yeah. I think it must have been nearly exactly a year ago. Well, two weeks ago is our first anniversary of a radio show.

Two weeks. Can I just say, Ben, it's nice that you always look so smart. Some guests don't make an effort. It's our first anniversary, isn't it? A radio show. What about in the future? Two weeks. Can I just say, Ben, it's nice that you always look so smart. Some guests don't make an effort. It's true. I was accused of having come straight from a club. You've got that look about you. You've got your wild eye. Do you know what I'm saying?

It's not at all. This is my chosen set of classics for the day. My shoes are slightly orthopaedic. I'm glad you can see that. I can't see that from here. Did you get them on prescription? Yeah, they are classics for the day. So the last shot... My shoes are slightly orthopaedic. I'm glad you can see that. I can't see that from here. Are they... Did you get them on prescription? Yeah, they are.

They just look... They're just a classic brogue, Ben. Nothing like this. They're all right. If I had a walking stick, I might have one of those big rubber things on the end. It looks... They look like, you know,

sort of a period drama. Something from... Maybe from the 20s or... A bit like... Who shall have the fishy on the... Spats. those who have a fishy, when the word comes in. Exactly. I think that you could have been in that, in those shoes. So, uh, last time you were on, you were plugging, uh, moving wallpaper, which you slagged off, unfortunately, which is gone. Primal, you, uh,

That's a disaster. Primeval. Primeval, that's been, you killed that off, you slagged that off. And you also slagged off Horne and Corden. And one out of two ain't bad. And I imagine heart trouble will get the other one eventually. I don't believe I slagged off Horne and Corden. That cannot be true. You started a beef with them.

You definitely did. Started a beef? Oh, that's right. Well, I know most of that. James Corden had called one of his characters Xander. That was it. That was it. It was some dig about you being posh is what it was. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of that. James Corden had called one of his characters Zander. That was it. That was it. It was some dig about you

being posh is what it was. I'm sick of it. And you said if you ever saw them you were going to blap them up proper. Exactly what he said. I remember that.

I love... I think James Corden is very, very funny and Matthew Horne is... I was in the Catherine Tate special with Matthew Horne and I just thought...

It was fantastic. A bit of tension in there. No, no. Did you bring it up? Did you bring up the character tension i will not be i will not have this feud okay quite right oh so it is a few things i don't think so so you're um you and xander armstrong let's call him alexander because not everyone else is in the know you know call him zander you see and it's people don't like that they're tuning they think hold on this sounds like i think you are sort of yeah you're you're there's a resistance in you i can tell yeah i don't want people to think they've accidentally tuned

into Kiss FM, where all the presenters talk like that, I find. So you're going on tour, you two. We are going on tour in the autumn. Very exciting. We mentioned it all over the country. Ireland, Scotland. Tickets have just gone on sale, haven't they? Tickets have just gone on sale. Yeah, very, very thrilling.

Is this your first? It's the first time we've been on tour. It's all quite scary. I mean, also, the hard thing, I mean, I mean, I think the very, very thrilling. Is this your first...? I think we're doing about 50 dates. First time we've been on tour. It's all quite scary. I mean, also, the hard thing... I mean, I think... Very, very difficult to do sketch comedy live as well, because sketch comedy is like a TV thing, so we're also having to... Yeah, you want close-ups and stuff and all that.

Yeah, I know. It's working really hard to try and work out how to make it like a live event, you know, and involve the audience a bit more than some of the... You know, I mean, I think that you can't just take your TV sketches and just stick them straight on the stage. I think that's what we'd like to do. Have you not seen The Little Brit?

Oh, well, I'd be excited to see what you do with it then, if you're going to make an interactive. Yeah, we're working with Sean Foley, you know, who did that play, what I wrote, and was in the right size, and he's brilliant at doing all this interaction with the audience and stuff and um yeah it's really it's so it's not written yet we're writing it now yeah we're writing it now scary that it's it's selling really well and it doesn't exist yet it's like it's like enron yeah yeah it's like some if you know if anything it's like contracts for difference isn't it or whatever they do in the city i mean yeah it's terrifying yeah i don't know what that is false economy it's like a false economy people buying

and selling things that don't exist yes well i know you've worried everyone but i'm sure it will exist and we'll come back to find more about that you'll know frank no show exists when you really when you're selling the tickets i mean that's, my view is that now show exists. Discuss. Absolute. Radio. Have you got a banana yet, Gareth? Yeah, I've got a banana here.

Okay, don't. Are we doing an experiment? Just bear with it. Not just yet. Okay. I just want to make sure you've got your equipment. Now, this is how show business works, isn't it, Ben? Last time you was on, you said to me after, I'm making a film, do you want to be in it?

And I said, yeah. And it all happened. What are the chances? It actually happened. I went along, we filmed it, and it's coming out this year. Yeah, it was really fun. It was about stand-up comedy, and there was that scene where we, I think you're chatting to

Kevin Bishop in there. You're very prominently featured. Am I? I'm very keen. Oh, no, he's going to be insufferable. That's why I brought this up. In case I'd been, if I'd ended up on the cutting room floor. I haven't done that since I stopped drinking. So, yeah, so the film is, it's called Huge.

It's called Huge. That's a tempting fate, that. It is, yeah, yeah. Why didn't you call it massively successful? Five stars, The Guardian. Yeah, enormous potential. Yeah, yeah. So, enormous potential. Yeah, yeah. And basically, yeah, it's about these two guys who want to get into stand-up comedy, and it's about that whole world, you know,

that cold, house, see-me underworld that you... Yeah. What? What? You inhabit. To fight your way up through... I was above. You created.

Yeah, to this airy blue, light, wonderful showbiz... Indeed. Nirvana we find ourselves in. in. Do you know what I mean? It's the really hard it's the coal face of comedy I think. It's something I tried to do myself. I tried to do stand-up myself and I just found it impossibly difficult and it's kind of about

how impossible it is to get started really. And when I went there to do this, because I wouldn't even call mine a cameo i'm an extra i'm at moss hardly but when i got there ben honestly he's got the full director things around the neck and he's saying oh james give me that he's looking through the little he's holding his hands in the form of the rectangle. And saying, yeah, yeah. I mean, really proper directing. Is he wearing, Frank, is he wearing a North Face puffer jacket? No, he's wearing just one of those peaks on an elastic. It is horrific.

Or was it a chihuahua? It was one of the two. It is horrific what you turn into when you're directing a film. Yeah, you were very bossy on the day. It was very, very bossy. And one day I actually turned up and I felt quite uncomfortable in my shorts. And I made the cameraman take his trousers off and give them frankie how would you think about that did you really i really did no i actually

you just sort of think you can do anything i mean yeah power it's just corrupting it is corrupting so that'll be out later this year i'm very very much looking forward to it. But you're not in it. Do you do a cameo? No, I mean, I've got one... I say one word in it. Is it cut? And that shouldn't have been left in, but there's a bit of a mix-up at the end. I hate it when that happens.

Yeah, I've got one word in it. Simon plays a character in it. Simon who co-wrote it. Simon Godley. Simon Godley was my dentist. He was your dentist. Yeah, my dentist co-wrote it. Simon who's a co-wrote. It's Simon Godley. Simon Godley was my dentist. He was your dentist. Yeah, my dentist co-wrote it. Yeah.

Everyone that works with Frank has got some kind of talent. Exactly. Well, even Gareth. Gareth, you auditioned or something. I thought you were going to be in it. I sent Gareth the script and Gareth gave me loads of notes on the script

which really helped actually. How dare you? I wasn't in it. You weren't in it? No. How come you sent him the script then which really helped, actually. How dare you? I wasn't in it. You weren't in it? No. How come you sent him the script, then? Because we got chatting, and he was interested, and, you know, he doesn't stand up to us.

I've got to tell you, Ben, Gareth did think he was going to be in it. Well, you could have been in it. Why didn't you come and be in it? Well, no, the thing, because the last email, you said, oh, thanks for the notes. And, yeah, you should be in it. Would you like a part in it?

Yeah. And I said, well, i don't know if i'd be convincing as a comedian as a joke but i think you thought i meant it did you well oh no ever since you've been thinking well you know i don't have regret i should have bloody asked me you see that's what careers hang on so that's the danger of sarcasm that could have been it couldn't it especially in a text or email sarcasm apparently hitler didn't mean invade pole he went oh let's invade pole of what next thing you know the whole thing oh man absolute radio so i'm going to ask you this if i don't know what are you doing today with your time i'm going to the brighton science festival

i'm very excited i really really, really love science. I did, you know, I did a degree in physics. I started a PhD in physics and I've always really been interested in it. I've never been to a science festival

and they're becoming very popular. You know, there's the Cheltenham Science Festival, the Brighton Science Festival, struggling now because I can't think

of any others. But I think there's one or two more and it's a kind of new sort of phenomenon. Science is kind of becoming a little bit more... It has got cool, hasn't it? It's the new rock and roll.

The new rock and roll. When you say festival, Ben, is it like Latitude or one of those? Do you have a little chance? Oh, right on! And then when they come on stage, there's like two Bonsonburgers lying on the side. Yeah. I was a body surf across the town. Some magnesium explosions.

But it has surfed. Probably not quite like that yet, but maybe give it a few years. Give it a few years. Well, it's really, I don't know what's happened with science, because it used to be like, for doll, a doll thing for doll people, if you don't mind me saying. If I ever mention, if I was in the, you know,

I was going to say, in the pub, when did I last go in a pub? Well, in a wine bar, say. In a bistro. You were in a restaurant. So that you all understand, I'll say pub. I love it. It's such a, you know, you can do. Man of the paper.

I really can. I really understand. In your life, it would be a pub. The last time I was in a pub, I mentioned science. I used to get, five years ago, I used to get literally shouted down by people. Oh, come on, oh, come on, let's talk about something interesting. Well, if you will try and make presentations in a pub. When I get the whiteboard markers.

Now it's cool. In fact, you write in Eureka, don't you? I do, yes. We share a little corner of the fourth estate, don't we? We both work for the Times. Who does that? For the London Times. I don't know whether we've gone up or they've come down, but I think that, you know...

The Times, they are a-changing. Well, I don't think anyone could argue like that. Yes, thanks, Bob. So if you want to see, will there be tickets available on the door at the Brighton Science Festival? I imagine anybody who shows any interest whatsoever is extremely welcome. I imagine there isn't a door.

People are wandering out. I imagine there's no security system. You'll be able to get them from the touts if they're not available. But once the ammonium hydroxide goes off, everyone's crying. That'll be terrible. What worries me about it, Ben, and I don't want to drag this down, is why is it that everyone now is interested in science, which is very cool. Why do they have to be atheists?

Why can't they manage it too? Well, don't make it all heavy. Why do you laugh here? They don't. They have to be smarmy with it. No, they don't. Smarmy atheists. No, they don't.

It's just one scientist. It's just Richard Dawkins. Well, I think they're all the same. Everyone I talk to do that. But they don't. They have to be smarmy with it. No, they don't. Smarmy atheists. No, they don't. It's just one scientist. It's just Richard Dawkins. Well, I think they're all the same. Everyone I talk to says, no, Darwin. Darwin. I love a scientist. Darwin.

If you look at a picture of Darwin, he looks like a chimpanzee. His eyes look exactly like a chimpanzee's eyes. I mean, he was cheating. And he's looked in the mirror. He's just, he's just, he's put two and two together and got five. That's what he's done.

Well, you know, I mean, that's a very interesting, I mean, that's a fascinating subject. And I think the thing that people forget is that Darwinism is a scientific theory like, just like anything else. It's not necessarily true, it's just a theory that we have. Gravity. How, yeah, like gravity. I mean, gravity's not true in the sense... Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Does that mean I could possibly levitate?

No, I've been working. I've actually... Oh, Glenn, tell her about levitation. It is my ambition to levitate. Is that your ambition? Yeah. It's not really an ambition, is it? It's a fantasy.

No, I'm all for it. And what are you doing to achieve this? Well, I stand on my very, very tiptoes and stop breathing and see what happens. No, I honestly tried it last week. I genuinely tried it. It feels like it could happen. It feels like it could work. Were you in a class or was this something you just did on your own?

No, I was in a spaceship. No, I lied. I lied about that. You know me. I'll pull your leg. He's come on here to plug his things. He's not some science agony arm. What I'm saying is that one of the really interesting things about science and the way it gets treated is it gets treated as if it were true,

but these things are theories. They're mathematical theories. And they're theories that have so far satisfied experiment. It doesn't mean that they are real. You know, they're just theories. I don't think we're going to top that. Oh, he's so clever. Good-looking and clever. I know. they're just theories. I don't think we're going to top that. Oh, we're so clever. Good looking and clever. I know!

Lock the studio door immediately. Oh, God. We'd better go and have a talk somewhere, Gary, for me. Okay, well, look, it was fantastic having you on, Ben. Lovely to see you. Tickets for your tour are on sale now. Thank you, yes. Particularly in Scotland. Not that business has been slow there. Okay, I understand.

Perhaps you're better pushing the science there. They like that Birkenhair, you know, all that stuff. Yeah, so it's been great having you on, and good luck with the movie, and good luck with the 10 million other things you do. Thank you. Brilliant. See you in a year. Yeah, I'll see you. You are so much a friend of the show, I can't tell you.

Do, you'll be go-go! What are you doing? You're putting me shoe on. Oh, that's professional. I just made the big mistake of going to the gentleman's toilet in my stocking feet. Never do that. Stocking feet. Never do that.

Yes, so what else? So Ben Miller, he's good, isn't he? Oh, he's lovely. We love him. He could stay. I'm overwhelmed. He can stay. He's, I'll tell you what he is. Friend of the lovely. We love him. He could stay. I'm overwhelmed. He can stay. He's, um,

I'll tell you what he is. Friend of the show! That's what he is. Um, he was actually, I did a thing this week called Frank Skinner's Film Epiphany. Google it. And, uh, it was at the British Film Institute, and what you have to do is, celebrities, you know, celebrities, people are quite well known,

they have to pick a film that's had a major influence on them. Well, obviously a lot of them we couldn't show in a public place. Well, exactly. But there was a film called Lenny with Dustin Hoffman. Oh, was that about the leetering of Motorhead? Lenny. Oh, okay. I was checking.

It's the Lenny Kravitz biopic. It's about Lenny Bruce, the American comic. So I did that this week. And Ben Miller was in the crowd, actually. Was he? He said to me after that it was a great movie, which was a great release for me

because it's very, very tense. I was happy doing the little intro chat and talking about why the film meant a lot to me and stuff. But when the film started, and I'm sitting there with 300 people, you know when there's a film you recommend to someone and then you watch it with them and then you think they don't like it, they're not liking it?

Oh, I hate that. And you start to panic, you think I'll just switch it off. I've been known to just stand up and go, oh, just forget it then, switch it off. My worst thing is if I watch me with someone else and sometimes they might say, what I don't understand, and I think they're going to miss a joke. If they keep talking, they're going to miss a joke.

I have to wrestle them to the ground. I'm terrible. But anyway, so it all went rather well. And at the end of it, people applauded. Oh, isn't that nice? Are they applauding the film or maybe they're applauding my taste? Oh, you went a bit egomania. I did a bit.

You know, I'm worried. I haven't seen... Ben Jones usually sits the other side of the window at this point and he's not here today. Do you think he heard what we were saying about him? I think he's... Well, don't say you upset him like it was just Frank. It was all of us.

Collective responsibility, mate. I think he... Perhaps he's at the Old Bailey today. There's a big trial on there he's had to deal with. He might just be in a local of sizes. I mean, you know, he'll do all the variety. I had a run-in

with Dustin Hoffman this week, actually. Hold on, hold on. You had a run-in with Dustin Hoffman? Well, it wasn't directly with him. You know I went to the BAFTAs? I don't know if you know that. He didn't cut you up in his... Because I've heard that he's an excellent driver.

Cut you up? I was at the BAFTAs, and when someone bangs into me, I have a tendency, I don't just let it slide. I go, ow! Like that. Have you noticed that? Yes, I've seen that before.

So this woman banged into me with her bulging goodie bag from the BAFTAs. I've heard some now. Goodness. Carry on. And she banged right into my arm. And I went, ow! And then she turned around.

And then I realised it was Dustin Hoffman's wife. But it was too late. I'd already said ow. And she went, oh, I'm sorry. And then Dustin looked all concerned. Oh, it was awful. So, of course, I was completely phony. I went, oh, I'm sorry. And then Dustin looked all concerned. Oh, it was awful. So, of course, I was completely phony. I went, oh, don't worry, don't worry.

Of course. Because I wanted to keep in with Dustin. Dustin looked a bit grumpy on the show, I thought. That's why. Because of me, maybe. Maybe, yeah. Is his wife... I imagine his wife's one of those women

that's about two feet taller than him. Is that right? No. She's very well preserved, though. What? With embalming? She's a tiny mummy. Yeah, that's an old Mar Hoffman, that's what they call her.

Look at this banana. Look how I've squeezed it and it's been separated into three bits. No, no, no, you squeeze it and then you put your finger down the three separate things and opened it. Three sections. Oh, if you... I suggest you get to Brighton, to the science festival, and see what kind of response you get there. I'm going there now.

Yes. I wouldn't go there. You can talk... Say what you like about science. It's maths in fancy dress. Just remember that. You buy a science book, you read the foreword, you think, oh, this sounds really exciting.

It's about the universe. We're all made of stardust chapter one maths don't buy it goodnight to you Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio