The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Cerys Matthews

Episode Date: September 27, 2009

Cerys Matthews joins Frank, Emily & Gareth to talk about her new single and album, she also chats about busking, illegal downloads and travelling by tube.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hooray, it's another Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio podcast. I'm here with Emily and Gareth.

Hello. Hi. And the show's already happened. So the show happens and then we come in here is what happens in the news and then we talk about what the show... Yeah, but we know that the show was great. It's very hot in here. I'm not saying that as a part of a seduction plan.

No. But it is hot in here. Well, you're doing that thing that models do of holding your hands behind your hair which i presume is to let the air get to your armpits yeah we had a lot of interest on the text for you this week didn't we um oh did we didn't mention it but um we did quite a lot of people wanting to see she's much desired him so um a recording of you saying oh it's so hot in here oh i might need to take my cagoule off that would be quite popular I imagine amongst our listenership well yeah I think they'll probably know that was you

but who can say what people know and don't know some people might be interested in that as well Keris Matthews is on the show, she was great she was brilliant we love Keris Matthews, she's officially now a friend of the show as we like to say. And there was some startling revelations.

I mean, like, the thing about what Emily's going to do next week, I think that blew us away. Shocker. And I don't know about you guys, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'd recommend anyone to listen to this podcast. And listen to the snippy comments about my biblical knowledge. Absolute Radio. I can imagine people at home saying, what is this? Well, it's Frank Skin knowledge. Absolute Radio. I can imagine people at home saying,

what is this? Well, it's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth. Hi, Frank. Good morning. Good morning. I like that. It's like when the test match starts. Morning, Peter. Morning, everyone. I'm looking at a picture of Paul Gascoigne as I speak in this morning's paper.

This morning, it's the son, I don't, I'm not advertising it, but that's, you know, I give full credit. They've got a lovely picture of Gaza, who apparently drank, let me have a look at this, 40 lagers in a... 13 hours. In a 13-hour frenzy, is what it actually says. He guzzled. Yeah, guzzled. Yeah, a 13-hour frenzy.

Is that a lot, Frank? It's a lot. You don't want to be drinking in a frenzy, generally speaking. It brings the wind up. I think you can pace it. If you're going to have 40 lagers over 13 hours, there's no rush. You know, it is like a test match. You take your time. So I don't know if there's any frenzy involved.

But there's a picture of Gasser wearing just a towel around his waist. And he looks... For a man who drinks 40 pints of lager in a 13-hour frenzy, he looks fantastic. He looks buff. He looks what? Buff. Yeah, he does.

He looks buff. He's got some tattoos. I'll tell you what he's done, though. Have you ever seen that film Cape Fear with Robert De Niro when he comes out of prison and he's got all those scary tattoos? Mike Tyson did it as well. Mike Tyson had, like, Chairman Meow. Not Chairman Meow. Your cat. tattoos mike tyson did it as well mike tyson had like chairman meow um not chairman meow but um and uh and gaza's got i fear not on his left on his right breast which to me is more pg woodhouse oh i fear not he should have like verily. I fear, yes, sort of, good day to you, or the other one.

So he's gone sort of slightly, sort of like Chris Yu back by now. It looks like he's got some Chinese characters on his stomach. He's got some Chinese characters. He's got Hong Kong phooey on the back. Yeah. Personally, I've never met a better guy. I don't know about you. But Gazza, he looks well,

so I think it's all right to occasionally go out and have... I mean, this is not official absolute policy, but if you occasionally go out and have 40 larkas in 30 minutes... Frank! No, but as long as it's not a lifestyle, I think we're all entitled to, you know, let off a bit of steam. Oh, I have to disagree. As I was saying to Ivor the Engine only the other day.

But speaking of letting off a bit of steam, I turned the page in that self-same paper and who do I see? The beautiful Sophie Anderton, who is a very beautiful woman. I'm sure you'll agree, Emily. I don't know what you're pulling that face for. She is a beautiful woman.

I'm not pulling a face, but I don't necessarily approve of her lifestyle. Well, I mean, she's made some mistakes. We all have. And she apparently, Sophie, says today, well, not apparently, because I'm reading it, that she used to, how can I put this, she used to sell herself for £15,000 an hour. £15,000? Makes a girl think.

Well, it is. Makes me think as well, I tell you. She says, the headline says, I lay back and thought not, no, this is the headline, right? It was over in two minutes. I lay back and thought, not bad for £15,000. You know, I did a Tesco advert. It was a very, very similar experience. And I felt slightly soiled after, I'll be honest with you. Well, every little helps. Yeah, well, that's true.

Absolute. Radio. Saturday morning. Ah, takes you back, doesn't it? Takes you back. So Sophie Anderton apparently sold herself for £15,000 an hour, a reasonable price, and a very beautiful woman. It has to be said, I've always...

In case you don't know, she's a model, and she was also on Cirque du Celebrité. So the £15,000 wasn't the lowest she ever sank, to be fair to her. And it sounds actually, parts of it sound quite nice. She said she was led to a hotel room and on she said the room was full of champagne flowers and chocolates oh i like it when they do that for you full wait how full was it well exactly could she get in what would be the point of opening loads of champagne bottles i can't even get in oh well that's the whole thing ruined well it's eight grand and we'll call it quickits. No, she got in apparently because there was some very expensive

underwear on the bed and a note that said, please put these on. Like Alice in Wonderland. It was a bit, yeah. Wow. Otherwise she could have got confused what she was supposed to do with them. Yeah, exactly. She could have thought, oh God, there might not even be an iron in here. It's very polite that he said please.

I'd be great to leave a pile of iron in for her. I'll stick an extra grand in, just get these done, where I'm going out after. Some of it's not so nice. One man, she said, his face was sweaty and cheerful, like a cat who'd got the cream. For the first time, I felt like a piece of meat. Was he the cat who got the cream or the cat who got the meat?

Let's get it sorted. Also, do cats really smile and look cheerful? Well, I've never seen a sweaty cat in my life. Have you ever seen a cat that's a bit sweaty? And he can't stop smiling. What's he been on? On some sort of gymnasium? No.

Sweaty cats? Have you ever heard that adjective applied to anything feline in your life? Come here, come here, pos. Oh, a bit sweaty today, aren't you? I can hardly get up any purchase. He's been on the treadmill again. Your pelt is slippery in the extreme. Eww!

Oh, sweaty. Anyway, all this terrible sordidness. Makes you think, though, after a life like that, the bush trucker trial wasn't such a terrible ordeal, was he? She's let herself down, Frank, I think. Oh, well, you know, we all make mistakes. She's out of it now, apparently, and she's off to... She's launching an underwear range.

She is launching... It also says, very nicely at the end of all this terrible, sordid lifestyle, Sophie, who is on BBC One game show, hole in the wall tonight, etc. So that'll be... Nicely they've got the plug in. Yeah, and she's starting her own lingerie range, as you say. Called, obviously, please put these on. That's going to be her slogan.

So good luck to Sophie. We all, as I say, we all err. And it's nice that she's back on the straight and narrow. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. And all sorts of stuff coming up. We've got Keris Matthews is our guest today.

Oh, I love her. Yeah, right? Really like her. Proper music star. Do you think she'll be my friend? No. Oh. And we've also got a competition in which you can win two

tickets to see Florence and the Machine what about that hey yes that's a band by the way if you're not into do we have to oversee the competition you have to oversee this one no it'll be alright because it's a first come first serve okay so it's fingers on buzzers face it was mayhem last time it was come oh it was completely mayhem, yes. But that was to win tickets for the Wembley Cup. Yeah. Oh, that lives on in the memory.

So, anyway... Oh, yes, you've done with Sophie. God bless Sophie Anderton and all that. I've had a terrible week, I'll be honest. Why? I've had one of the worst weeks ever. Why? Well, I went away to Brighton with my girlfriend for the week,

and we argued... Oh, that sounds dreadful. No, it sounds lovely. It was a beautiful setting. The weather was great. The sun-kissed beaches, the beautiful sea splashing against the pebbles. But we argued for three days. Full stop. I mean, we

argued and argued. It was like we suddenly decided to bring a greatest hits album of our arguments. We had arguments that we haven't had since 2002. And it was like listening to a greatest hits. You thought, oh, God, I've forgotten all about this argument. Actually, this is a good argument. I haven't listened to it for years.

And isn't it weird that you remember all the words? Oh, I forgot that bit in the middle about that woman who, you know, I don't even remember her name anymore. Yeah, that's a good bit. And oh, man, we argued forever. It was... Did you make up, though? Oh, we made up. Oh, good.

Yeah, and what, you know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Makes you argue more, I always find. Yeah, yeah. What doesn't kill... There's loads of things that kill you that don't make you stronger. The things that kill you make you very, very ill forever. But we don't want to go into things like that on a Saturday morning. It's better to argue, though, isn't it?

Yeah, there was a lot of real loud shouting and stuff. That's a bit common, Frank. We had elderly neighbours, you know, and I thought, well, I mean, they're deaf, but we've even gone to a level where they can hear us now. Do you know what you mustn't do? The most common thing ever is to have a row on Christmas Day. That is so bad. Oh, I've had some killer rows on christmas day i once i had a row with my dad on christmas day i stormed out in those days nothing happened christmas day i mean

i lived in west bromid so you know nothing happened that much anyway but it was there was no bosses nothing it was completely silent i remember remember I had these blue brothel creeper shoes and I could just hear the on the pavement as I stormed off. I wasn't storming that fast as you can see. But I suddenly realised I hadn't had any dinner. No shops was open. I found one

shop open and all I could get was chicken flavoured crisps and that was my Christmas dinner. Oh, that's so sad. Yes, it is very sad. And the next episode of My Twilight Years by Frank Skinner will be on Absolute Radio tomorrow night at 4 o'clock

and now a book of bedtime. Professor Stephen Hawking reads Dig of the Dump. So, um... Yes, what's going on? It's nice to argue on holiday, though, isn't it? Because, you know, during the normal working life you're quite busy you don't have a lot of things you don't have time to properly no no no we had time to recollect at length yeah exactly and things you think i don't have time to draw this

particular grudge in you know i'll have to i must move on you think no no we've got all day no need to move yeah we can chew over that thing which actually i'm not that bothered about but let's throw it in anyway and see what happens yeah we did a bit of uh we did a bit of riffing on a theme we have jazz rows anyway like i say we made up and uh if you're listening kath i i love you and um i know although it was mainly your fault so So... Frank, take that back. And me, I take it back. And me and... Like that time when you were on the radio,

and even though we'd made up, you said it was my fault. Yeah, that's noted, don't worry. That's got in the little leather-bound book. Absolute. Radio. You talk in your sleep, don't you, Gareth? Yeah.

Gareth confessed this to us the other day, and obviously I promised I wouldn't bring it up on air. And we had Ross Noble on last week, and as part of his show he talked about him sleep-talking, and so I thought that seemed like a very good thing for comedy. So this week I had my wife listen out. Oh, with a notepad? With a notepad.

Sit up all night with a notepad in case she's still doing funny. Yeah. And she said, there's only one thing this week and there was a moment when I cleared my throat. So I went, well then. It's going to be quite,

it's quite a formal announcement you were making. And that was it. That was all I said on that occasion. That was all? Yeah. Oh, what a terrible answer.

What a letdown. When we first got together there was one where I said, and in the middle of the night, your bum is far superior to mine. Well, it could have been a lot worse. I think she lied. I don't know if she did say that. Had you been holding some sort of tramp competition in which you both got out,

kidnapped a tramp, brought them back and then compared them? Like yeah no you didn't that racing tramps no no no i find them sluggish in the extreme yeah well that's that i mean what if you'd said see that's what worries me one could say anything in uh sleep talking but you see i don't sleep talk but i pretend how would you know that you've been a single woman who could have possibly told you that? Oh, like I've never had any traffic in my bed. Well, I cannot... Traffic in your bed? Is that some sort of euphemism for Jimmy Carr? Or Van Morrison?

I would pretend to sleep talk in order to settle some old scores. You're joking. No, what I'd do is I'd do a voice and I'd do something like punching above your weight or something like that. Oh, OK. No, what I do is I do a voice and I do something like, punching above your weight, or something like that. Oh, okay. So they think it was in my subconscious, but I really meant it. Right.

You don't really do that, do you? No, but I'm saying I'm going to do that. Oh, okay. You could have the last word on some of your rounds this week. Well, no, because then I'd be woken up to be reprimanded. We probably did argue in our sleep this week. I mean, why stop? Why have any sort of interim?

Have you ever been woken up to have a row? You know something? I've never been woken up. Extraordinary. Yeah. I once read that Mark E. Smith, lead singer with The Four, I once read an interview with him when he said he'd never set an alarm clock since he left work in the late 70s.

Really? He refuses to i mean he prides himself on the fact that he you know he wakes up when he wakes up well he is there's something quite of the itinerant about him isn't there yes he looks like a man who doesn't sleep a lot yeah i have to say but i suppose there's something admirable it's all right you know some of us have to get up and work so he i suppose if you work at 10 o'clock at night, you're all right. I'm just meandering. So are we going to do a phone-in about... Let's do a phone-in. What have you said?

What have you said in your text? We have a text number, obviously, which is 8-12-15. Things you've said in your sleep. We'd be interested to hear that. Absolute Radio. We've had many texts about... We've been asking people to... By the way, Keris Matthews is on the show,

like for on After the News, which is very exciting. I just saw her in the corridor. I was very excited. Oh, right. Good. You've been out and about. Anyway, we're asking people to do things that they've said in their sleep, because Gareth is a sleep talker.

Yeah. So we were on that subject. We've had some responses, I believe. We've had some really good ones. We've had some lovely ones. Kat said my husband sat bolt upright in his sleep and said a rope, bring me a rope. To say the least it was

a little unnerving. I bet that made Kat sweat didn't it? Because they sweat a lot apparently. I like John who said on the verge of dropping off I once remarked earnestly to my wife, Women's Toothbrush Fest. To this day, I have no idea where it came from.

It could be a fabulous business idea. I would go to a Women's Toothbrush Fest just to find out what it was. Do you think these people are texting us and they're still asleep? That's so bad it's gone now. This is from a Gareth. So, hello, Gareth. When my friend was 15, we had crashed round his. He sat up in the middle of the night and said,

the pound is down. And do you know that man was Alistair Darling? That would be a great anecdote. What about Debbie? Frank, I once shouted in my sleep, there's not many people like me and Dixons. We were on holiday. Was she asleep in Dixons

at the time? I like that she added that she was on holiday. Yeah, as if that's some sort of explanation. I think as we've said the mind runs riot on holiday. Absolute Radio. Are you eating, Frank Skinner? I've got a little bit of croissant there. You've changed a little bit of croissant.

Well, that's all there is in the studio. Adrian Hyatt, our newsreader, makes his own bread and brings it into the studio in the form of sandwiches. Really? That's how impoverished we are on the catering front. People say to me, you'll never make any bread in radio. What little I knew.

I've got some fish. Can you do anything with that? I've got... I'm getting you. You've gone New Testament, haven't you? This is a bread and fishy thing. We can just bring it out. I can just tease it out. We can make it go round. I'm like Mary Magdalene. I can wash someone's feet. We can make it go round.

Mary Magdalene is 15 grand an hour, isn't she? Oh, Garrett. 12 shekels. Yes. And 12 shackles as well. Just leave 12 shackles on the bed and say, please put these on.

I'll bring the key later. Now, did you see Strictly Come Dancing last night? I did, actually, yes. Yeah, did you? We all did. Of course I did. By the way, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was told to say this by Emma, the producer.

Really? In case people forgot who we are. And that's all right. You could think, oh, it's Adrian Charles. He's on everything nowadays. And boy, has he got funnier. Oh! Oh, God, I'm going to see him this afternoon.

How dare you? He's my friend. Oh, yes, everybody's friend. You know what I'm saying? So, um... I had to do that laugh then. Anyway, Strictly. Yeah, Strictly. I love it. I like Strictly.

I like everything except the dancing on Strictly. Frank, that's a ridiculous thing to say. You know when people listen to a podcast to this and it doesn't have the music yeah i would like to watch uh strictly without the dancing i just like bruce and the judges and you just like the nasty comments i like the nasty costumes can you believe there is a program in the 21st century where people dress like that and it's not considered to be outrageous i unfortunately last night thinking, what's become of us? Did you really honestly think that?

This is on prime time. How have we let this happen? Really? Oh, God, you've taken it to heart. I was watching it thinking, Jo Wood, after all she's been through over the last 12 months. She's terrible, though. Now they're going to put her up against a lot of other young,

attractive women who she's going to completely lose out to. I mean, let's turn her misery into some sort of competition. I mean, I felt I wanted to just hog her. Obviously, that wasn't practical when television is. I don't think I really knew who any of the people were. I didn't know who she was. So who's she? Well, because they're not in the Bible. Who is Jo Wood?

You don't know anyone if they're not in the Bible. Jo Wood might have been in the Bible. Linda Bellingham was certainly in the Bible. Who is Jo Wood? You don't know anyone if they're not in the Bible. Jo Wood might have been in the Bible. Linda Bellingham was certainly in the New Testament. I think she made the gravy at the last supper. Jo Wood, but it was a bit like... Do you know Jo Wood? No, but thanks for the tip. Jo Wood is the wife of Ronnie Wood. Ex-wife, soon to be ex-wife.

Soon to be ex-wife, as she said. You must know this, Gareth. He went off with a 20-year-old Russian. She's in Genesis. I've seen pictures of them. Oh, so she was in the Bible. Yeah. Oh, no. That's what you meant. She wasn't in the band Genesis.

Don't squabble. If you start squabbling, I feel like I'm like a dad taking you out for the day. I'm having to reach into the back seat to slap you both. Emily said, I only know things from the Bible. Yes, don't misbehave you two, will you? Stop teasing Gareth about the Bible.

He wasn't allowed to watch television when he was little. I feel a bit sorry for Alicia though, don't you? Alicia Dixon. Yeah. Because they're all being so mean about her. I think she's alright. I mean, it's not like Amanda Holden's brilliant or anything. What I like about that is they say that she doesn't make technical enough comments about the dancers.

Because she says things like, your hands were a bit wobbly and stuff like that. But when they do make technical... When Craig Revel Horwood says, oh, your backward disc control was fabulous when it went into the semi-treble... Your leg extensions. ...braze weight. We don't know what he's talking about. So why is that entertaining? Well, the leg extensions are stilts, aren't they?

Right. So he's talking about the stilts. Horrible splay. You can just make stuff up. I just did that, in fact. Did you think that was real technical? I thought it was real. Yeah, you are.

You see, I fooled you completely. And that's what Craig Revel... He used to be orange. He's not orange anymore. He's still a bit orange. I had to take issue with Alicia there when she said about Linda Bellingham, Linda, one word, fierce. That wasn't the one word that sprung to my mind, to be honest.

Oh, I love Linda Bellingham. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We have Keris Matthews in the studio. Good morning. Good morning. Now, can I start by saying you've been in since about quarter to seven? I love early mornings on a Saturday. Yeah.

I don't know who said call time was half past five in the morning, but I was here. Well, honestly, I'm sorry about that, but we've felt terribly guilty. In fact, we've all been sitting here watching you occasionally pacing around outside. It's OK. Thinking she will be livid by the time she comes in here. I've stolen a few things. I had plenty of time to pack my bag. I've had a good look around Absolute Radio Station. It's lovely. This is the best room in the place.

Oh, I think so. It's the warmest. Fabulous view of London town and the sun is shining. Nothing wrong with that. Well, that was a marvellous sobming up of our day, I thought. So, anyway, welcome, Keris. It's great to have you on. Thank you. And should we start by saying you've got a new album and a new single out? Yeah.

And we're going to be playing the new single in a bit, so get your fingers on your record buttons. Actually, you shouldn't say that, shall we? Not at the moment. It's a hot topic at the moment. It is a hot topic. Do you know what I found out this morning? Oh, I could just eat a hot topic. Do you like hot topics?

Oh, just thinking about it. I'm a sneaker girl myself. I've heard that. Have you really? No, they're saying now that the government have seen an opportunity and they're going to tax broadband. So where they're saving money with free downloads of music, now the government go,

oh, there's some money to be made somewhere, and they're going to tax it. I think that's the first political statement we've ever had on this show, and I enjoyed it, for one. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but it's what I heard on the grapevine. It worked even better in that accent. It reminded me when Neil Kinnock was in Full Flow. We all thought he was going to be a great leader.

He had the mugs made and everything. I'm channelling Glenys myself. If he'd have looked like her, she would have been a good leader. Oh, look out, thank you. Yes, well, exactly. I'm quarter to five in the morning. It's not still quarter to five. Time doesn't stop at absolute rates.

What time is it now, Frank? There's a big clock on the wall. I'm having a bit of a haze right now. Anyway, so you've got a new album, and you're doing a tour as well. I am. I've got a tour starting mid-October. We're playing London on the 21st in Union Chapel, which is a beautiful venue. Oh, I've seen you in the Union Chapel, actually.

I was pregnant back then, 2003. Well, don't look at me. I mean, I was... Oh, I was 12 rows back. Were you there? Have you really seen me there? Yeah, I saw you there. You didn't wave? No, well, I did. I'm not very good with celebrities. I get very anxious.

I mean, I honestly thought that you would build yourself up into a diva crescendo during the three hours you waited. Coming in would all be terrifying. Turns out you're really lovely. I don't mind an early morning. I've been up, you know. It is a beautiful day today. It is a beautiful day.

I'm looking forward to a great weekend of sport. You're after an announcer's job. You'll be liking rugby and stuff like that. I don't understand it. Now I'm going to watch Luton play Cambridge today. We're going to have a family mass outing of London. Drive out of London shortly. Get the yellow...

I mean, not yellow, I'm off. Orange flags out and off to Cambridge. Oh, OK. Do you often go to see Luton? Yes. Brilliant. That's brilliant. I'm going to West Brom today.

Are you? Yeah, to see West Brom Crystal Palace, which annoys me because Crystal Palace is not too far from where I live. So you get all the flags out and nowhere to go. Well, I thought we could have... Couldn't we have come to some agreement, met in Milton Keynes and played the game there? Save me and Crystal Palace and all their fans

having to go all the way up to West Bromwich. But you can't. You can't get these things done on short notice. No. So, yeah, you were great when I saw you at the Union. I mean, obviously you're not surprised. And you did, I think, two songs in Welsh that night, which seemed particularly beautiful. And I wondered if you felt that,

if there was a different feeling when you sang in Welsh that you felt even more into the song, maybe. Gosh, I don't know. I love languages, you know, because I just think any different language has you know when you're talking in english it's one way of saying things there's proverbs and things that are typical of english and then you go into a brand new language like welsh and you've got all these the myriad of you know keep hitting the the rock and the rock will break and just things that are specific to

a language so enjoy that kind of thing spanish the same i like keep hitting the rock and the rock will break that could be a great advert for Absolute Radio. Keep It In The Rock! The rock will break! And then you just put Bon Jovi on. Absolutely. I bet it's a fall song, because the fall have basically everything is a fall song.

Breaking rocks in the hot sun. Keep It In The Rock! And the rock will break! Absolute Radio. Keris Matthews is in the studio. Keris Matthews, who our producer Emma, saw on the Tube recently. Really? Yeah.

Who's Emma? This is Emma O'Farrill, yeah. Yes. Which is good. So then we thought maybe she won't be a mad, crazy diva. If she goes on the Tube, she must be all right. I was trying to be economic. Oh, OK.

We get everyone followed before they come on the show. You can't be too careful. I got a nice... Because we've been in London. I moved to London during the Catatonia days because we were here so often, so I got a place in London and I never really got to know how to get from A to B, really, properly.

But you spend such a lot of time just being stuck somewhere, panicking, because you don't know how to get from A to B. So I thought I'd teach myself the tube this time. Especially with children, you know, you have to help them get to school and things like that. A to B is the central line. Is that right? But apparently, is that the yellow one? No, that's

the circle line. The circle line's not worth anything by all accounts. That's not Monopoly! But yeah, no, I do like to go on the tube now. Yeah, definitely. Pat, you can't get very good signal down there, can you? That's what I've found.

No, that is true. I went in a very posh restaurant, and I was with... Well, I won't say I was with. Oh, go on, say who. I was with Michael McIntyre and his wife and my girlfriend. Me and Kitty. Did you go there by tube? Well, hold on.

The tube theme is coming in. Oh, OK. There wasn't a tube in the meat, in case anyone is worrying at home. I hate it when you get a tube in the meat. I know, that was on your Room 101, wasn't it? It was, yeah, like a ventricle of some kind. Anyway, so when the waiter came for the bill,

I said, oh, can I pay for the oysters on this? And I gave him my oyster card. And I thought, you know, it's a bit of a good gag. And he just sneered at me. So don't try that one with you. Have you got an oyster card? I do, yeah. I've got two or three because I keep losing them.

And then it doesn't work if you try any other card, is it like your family railway card or credit card. No, no, no. They're quite fussy in the tube. And then you look really silly, don't you? You're, like, jamming it like this. Oh, yeah, people behind getting disgruntled. You can't get a bit blushing, you know.

And then people think, well, you see the cosseted life she'd led. Well, exactly. It's kind of embarrassing. I don't like going on rush hour, though. You know, when there's lots of people and you're squished really tight. Do people ever come up to you and say, Hi, are you... I think that's a fair summary of rush hour. Are you careless? No, not really, because in the tube, to you and say, Hi, are you... I think that's a fair summary of Rosh Yawa. Are you curious?

No, not really, because in the tube, there's kind of like a different culture on the tube. If you catch somebody looking, you look away anyway, don't you? But I find myself staring on the tube myself, so I'm the one staring at everybody else. It's quite mad down there, isn't it? I tell you what I do, I read whatever the person next to me is reading. It's highly annoying.

And I find... I think, wasn't that the president of Ethiopia? That was highly salacious. Now, I can't resist doing that. Well, it's not really an intrusion. I mean, it's a public book. Not if they're reading a personal letter or something, obviously. But if they're reading, say, The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck,

I think it's all right to need a poem for a paragraph. You do? I like the bits of poetry, you know, that sometimes they put poetry in there. Oh, that's lovely. And the way everyone just snatches the free London papers down there. I like to use the pole as a sort of impromptu lap dance. You do? I'd like to be on a tube with you then.

We can arrange that, Keris. I love the free newspapers. In case you're listening from outside London, we get free newspapers handed to us in the street, and some people look quite outraged. How dare you give me a free newspaper? I saw one woman take one and just slam it down on the pavement. Really?

Free newspaper indeed. That's Arlington Way by Keris Matthews. It just so happens he's sitting in front of me. So when is that out? Can that be got now? No, Monday. On Monday it comes out and it's download only because you know how things have changed now.

So I can't go into a record shop and buy that? You can't. No. You're very ageist. You have to go on your computer and look for it on things like iTunes or other places like that. Okay, well, anyway, that's Arlington White. It's 79p. It's very cheap, though.

That is cheap, actually. Or maybe I'll get seven. The album will be out. Will you? Would you do that for me? Yeah, okay. How many do you need to get to stay in the top ten? These days, 29. Oh, okay. So if we all bought seven and everybody was listening, about three each, then it'd be brilliant, it'd make my day. Four of us, if we all bought seven, you'd just drop short, though.

That would be frustrating. I'll ask my mum to do the difference. Oh, that would be lovely. Yeah. The album's going to be out normal, you know, in record shops. Well, in HMV. It's the only one that's left now, isn't it? And that, yeah.

Yeah, when somebody listens to the podcast, that might have gone as well, who knows? No wonder, I blame people who just bring out their stuff on download. That's what's killing off the record shops. No, we need a system. That's the hot topic now, isn't it? All this file sharing and piracy and stuff. But I think everything's changed.

The internet's changed everything, even for newspapers and fanzines and music publications. Everything's changed, so we just need a new system. It's all very well having an opinion, isn't it? But let's work out a system, is what I think. Before the government takes the tax on it. You heard it here. I think we're tuning into Glenys Kinnock again.

Oh, I'm channeling her this morning. My daughter's called Glenys as well. Is she actually named after her? No, it's my great-auntie Glenys she's named after, but there's not many around, see? And the album is called Don't Look Down. It is, yes. And when is that? Is that out this week?

That's out 5th October, so it's week after next. Yeah, so there's a whole load of Keris Matthews merchandise hitting the market. And she'll be hitting the road. I will, mid-October. And we've already had someone texting in, worried that you're not playing up north. Yeah, he's very concerned about this. But we've had a very nice text in from Kelly saying, I thought

Keris might like to know that her lovely new song has a seal of approval from my 11-month-old baby Megan, who started dancing as soon as the song started and hasn't stopped. Oh, that's fabulous. Oh, dancing. Can they walk? Can they video him dancing or her dancing? Because I saw on YouTube the other day, there's a little baby about 11

months old, dancing to Beyonce. And it is incredible and it's been posted on YouTube. You know, it looks like he's following Beyonce's move, which is quite, you know, quite difficult moves, aren't they? So, nice one. I'm glad that they've got the scene of the fool. I thought they couldn't walk, age 11.

Well, this is a prodigy. 11 months. Oh, he dances to the prodigy as well. Well, I mean, I think they've thrown him into the deep end. Babies can start about nine months. Is that right? I don't know. Some don't start until 14 or 15.

It just depends on how much they want to walk. Karis knows about everything. Yeah, you're clever. You are. I've had too much coffee this morning. I'm a little excited. Now, you've bosked, haven't you? Yeah, I have, yeah.

Because I've only ever bosked once, me and a guitar, and I made 14 pence. It's not easy. No, some of it was thrown as well. Were you doing the fall, though? I think there was a couple of fall numbers in there. Maybe it was the song choice. Oh, was it?

What did you do, madam? Tell you what was quite good. Spanish folk songs and a bit of Bobby Fuller 4. Breaking Rocks that we mentioned earlier. Breaking rocks in the Hudson. I fought the law and the law won. Oh, yeah. That was always popular. And Spanish folk songs. For some reason. Yeah, but I don't know.

I'm now good with pesetas. Oh, you say pesetas, I say pesatos. let's call the whole thing well that's euros was a bit i'm sorry i was there was a moment out last night on strictly come dancing where one of the people said something and just over bruce's line and he said well you ruined the joke but never mind it was marvelous tension comedy tension caris um it's been lovely to have you on. I'm sorry we kept you waiting for so long. Oh, don't worry.

But we love the single and the album. You are officially... Friend of the show! Yes, you are. I am made of... Now maybe Ken's extra special. Friend of absolute radio, especially Frank Skinner's show.

Yes, well, not the whole station, just the show. Oh, just your... Oh, shoot. We've got a friend of the station one, which we don't play that much, I'll be honest. OK, that's even better show. Yes, well, not the whole station, just the show. Oh, just the show. Oh, shoot. We've got a friend at the station one, which we don't play that much, I'll be honest. OK, that's even better then.

Yes. But, no, it's been lovely to have you on, and we love you. You're brilliant. And best of luck with the single. Thank you very much. And the album, and the tour. Keris Matthews.

We enjoyed that, didn't we, guys? I love Keris. Have a great weekend, everybody. Cheers, and good luck to Luton Town. Yay, come on. Absolute. Radio. So, have we had any more texts about what people say in their sleep?

Sleep talk, yes. Chris from Bromley, I sat up in bed once and said, reel it in, reel it in, of course I can reel it in. I don't know why these are funny, but there's something marvellous about them. It's brilliant. My brother used to be a butcher. He went blurted out in his sleep, Sorry, madam, I can't leave over the counter.

It's unhygienic. You can't what over the counter? I can't lean over the counter. It's unhygienic. I said leave over the counter. I love that he's taking his work home with him to bed. I like that. Yeah, I don't think I'd want butchers calling things out in their sleep.

It better be awful. I'm terribly sorry. I tried to stop myself. I just couldn't. So we move slowly towards the end of the show. Is it finishing? I've got to pack. I'm going. I'm off. Where are you going? Do you not know where I'm going? No, you've been...

You know very well I don't because you won't tell me. I know because I think you might judge me. Oh, OK. I'm going to Malta for four days to the World's Strongest Man competition. You are. That's fantastic news. I'm staying in their hotel. I'm going to be hanging out with them.

Are you hoping you'll get picked up? Well, I hope so. They're going to show me... They're going to pull a plane. That was a joke. That was a joke. It's a TikTok. I got it.

I got it. I got it. Almost as Gareth was suggesting that you're so big that it would need the world's largest man to lift you. But I let it pass because I might not have made that. Maybe Samson. Yes, a Bible reference. Got a problem with that? I'm hoping they'll be wearing a mankini.

I can't wait. Is Jeff Capes still in it? Oh, no, he's long gone. There's a new crowd now. So are you just going as a punter? No, I'm writing about it, Dara. I'm going to be spending a lot of time with them. Yes, I imagine the BO

will be thick in the air. It's like dandelion spores. What about the world's strongest man? Are you going to try and really kind of get in to their trunks? No! Oh, dear, I don't like the sound of that at all. Anyway, I'll report back to you if I come back at all.

Well, I'll be very interested to hear your report on the world's strongest man competition. So you'll be able to tell us about it next week on the show. Yeah, yeah. Yes, well, I'm going to see West Brom play Crystal Palace. I am doing an audio book on Monday. You know when you record a book? Oh, yeah.

I'm doing Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography. So, why do you laugh at that? I don't know. I just find it funny. Ozzy couldn't do it. Ozzy wrote it, but he can't actually read it. Say Sharon. Let me hear you say Sharon.

Sharon. I'm not going to do it as him. Oh, OK. It's going to take about six. Oh, I'm going to... I can't do that. I'll have a bad throat. No, I'm just going to do it as me. I think they think, you know, West Brom is near enough.

Oh, OK. It's like they got Sean Penn to do Bob Dylan's biography, didn't they? Is that right? Yeah, because I've bobbed it for similar reasons. Yeah. Drug-addled voicelessness. Yeah, I'm going to... That normally would be

a libelous thing to say, but I don't think that Ozzy's going to pull you off on that. No, I don't think so. Or Bob Dylan, to be fair. Good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.