The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Charlie Higson

Episode Date: September 5, 2009

This week author and comedian Charlie Higson joins Frank, Emily & Gareth in the studio to talk about his new book 'The Enemy'.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's podcast time again with Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, and Emily and Gareth.

Hi. Blah, blah. What was that? That was like a kind of a very cool hip-hoppy, dancey DJ type thing that they do before things happen. Blah, blah. You see, I'm in a situation with the age of it that I have to take your word for that.

You might have completely... You could say to me, hip-hop people go... And I thought they might well do that. That's fair enough. Good luck to them, I would have had to have said on air, obviously. Trying to be down with the youth. Anyway. Yes, who was on the show?

Charlie Higson was on the show this week. Charlie Higson from the Fast Show. He's written a new horror book for teenagers. And we were on the show. I really, I loved it this week. Yeah, it was really nice to be back because we've been away. Yeah, exactly. Back in the old absolute headquarters.

And actually, I had last week off. So so yeah, I was straining at the bit. The bit! Have you seen the bit? No, they won't let me see the bit. Well, I was straining at it. It was not a bad name for a band, actually. Is it the bit? I've got a friend who's just starting a band,

and he was asking me for band names. Oh, it's not David Baddiel, is it? No, no, he was asking me for band names. Really good band name. No, no, he's not starting it. No, that would be... I wouldn't like that at all. Apparently there's several sites on the internet where you can just press some buttons and random names

come up for bands. That would be good. So how did you come up with the name The Pigmen of Florentine? I put it into the internet. Hold on, stop that joke. The Pigmen of Florentine? I put it into the internet. Hold on, stop that joke. The Pigmen of Florentine. I'm going to tell him that's the one to do. And now it's The Pigmen of Florentine with the new track.

Yeah. I love The Pigmen of Florentine. Just before I pass it on, is pigmen hyphenated, or is it two separate words, or is it one word? I think it's all one word. OK. Well done. See, our work here has not been wasted.

So, yes, please enjoy the show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I feel like I've been away for ages. I was off last week, and honestly, it feels like a strange new world. Happily, I'm still with emily and gareth so they'll they'll take care of me yes just to prove you're here yes okay so um my week has been i returned from edinburgh on monday and then on monday night i went to the reform club in

palma which is one of them posh gentlemen's clubs which i don't know i don't know you guys you ever thought about joining one of those places the leather chesterfield and old blokes who were in the war i don't think i've ever anticipated having the opportunity well anyone i think any you get there's a board when you go in of people who've um who want to join and they have to be okay by anyway i was you wear that denim jacket i did i had to you got to wear a suit and tie what i was gonna say i say you have to wear a suit and tie. Well, I was going to say. I say you have to wear a suit and tie, but the crew, because we were being filmed, it's this thing I did for children in New,

we went around the world in 80 days. I didn't like how I went, at the beginning of that, but I'm going to pretend no one probably noticed it. Just go with it. Yeah, best not to draw attention to it. But, yeah, so we got filmed, and it was people, who was there?

John Barrowman was there, Myling Class. Oh, it was the night of a thousand stars. But the crew all turned up in T-shirts and stuff and no one said anything which I thought was wrong. Wow. There's always a big... When you do a charity thing, it's always... You realise you're always the only person who's not being paid.

All the crew and that are all getting paid exactly the same as ever. Right? Do you think that's right? I don't know. That's this week's phoning. Myling Klass was there. Myling Klass, yeah. Why do you pull that face?

I just, I don't, I don't like, you know, hating celebrities and things like that, people on telly, but she's growing on me in the way that I'm starting to really think that she might be a terrible person. Oh. Gareth. Gareth!

Gareth, you've turned the tables upside down with your first statement. My link class is like the sweetest. Well, the thing is, I think she might have talent at something, but I just don't think it's what she's doing. And she just seems to do everything and just in a really cynical way. So let me get this right.

You think she's got talent at something, but not what she's doing. However, she's doing everything. Well, apart, she can play the piano, can't she? Yes. Well, she doesn't do any of that, does she? She's very beautiful, though. She reminds me of that Nadia who won Big Brother.

Is that so? Oh, Nadia! Nadia! I said... She's nothing like that at all. Nadia? Nadia? Nadia? I said, I got that one thing in my head. I got that one thing in my head. Don't kill me. She's nothing like that at all. Nadia who used to be a man. Yeah.

Yeah. Does that make her a bad person? Is that what you're suggesting, Gareth? No. I wasn't questioning whether Mylene is a convincing woman. I love the free-op transexual. It's the Swiss army knife of the sexual world. No, I think you're wrong about Mylin.

Really, did you meet her? I've met her many times. She's sweet. She's really sweet. She cried on my chat show. Did she? Everyone cried on your chat show, Frank. Well, I know that.

I certainly did. Most weeks. She cried because, you know that fleshy bit under the armpit at the back? I pinched that as hard as I could. She cried. Why did she cry? Because people were saying bad things about her.

People like you, Gareth, were saying nasty things about her. That's why. I imagine she eats lizards. Live lizards. Why would you say that? I reckon she just plugs them down. Live, wriggling lizards. Oh, yeah, I think she eats live lizards.

I'm not arguing with that. But, you know, everyone's got their foibles. No, I'm sure she's a lovely person, but she's just... Oh, no, I'm sorry, but you can't at the end of that attack say, I'm sure she's a lovely person. I hate it. If you're going to hate her, just hate her. You're wrong. I honestly think you're wrong. I think she's lovely.

Rachel from Cambridge has just said she's everywhere like a rash. Yes. There you go. OK. Well, I'm going to lead the Mylene is nice Okay Assault this morning

Absolute Radio What have you been up to then Emily Dean Yes I've said your surname on radio What of it I've been mixing the celebrities as well It's not just you

Oh have you You know we had a complaint the other week That we're losing touch with the people Yeah And now I'm on here talking about You know meeting I met a complaint the other week that we're losing touch with the people. Yeah. Now I'm on here talking about, you know, meeting. I met Bill Turnbull Monday night. I don't want people to be alienated by that, by the world I travel in.

Celebrity soup. I met Stuart Broad. I went down to Jonathan Ross's show. Stuart Broad is a good one. I should say, if you're not into cricket, Stuart Broad, he's an England fast bowler. He's so good looking, I almost vomited. Oh, that's a great compliment. I think you should use that on hisler. He's so good looking, I almost vomited. Oh, that's a great compliment. I think you should use that on his publicity. He's unbelievable.

He doesn't look human. I have that a lot. People retching when they see me. Yeah. I'm so good looking. He's honestly, and he was so nice, he gave me a bat, Frank, and he signed it. I don't, I think you guys have a licence for him, don't you?

Yeah, you need a rabies shot, definitely. Yeah, exactly. No, oh God, you're both terrible. Why don't you just take my story seriously? Wouldn't it be brilliant if he'd given you a bat, though? Like a fruit bat, and said, look, I brought this bat from Africa, don't tell anyone. And he bought you a cricket bat.

Yeah, and he signed it, so I'm carrying it around like a fashion accessory now. Like a cane? Yeah, don't you think it would be good? I said to him, if you want to talk to me about sponsorship and promoting it as a fashion accessory he could he didn't seem that interested no but he was very nice and i met jamie oliver as well and i tasted he made he said oh i tried these little delicacies which look really nice and then he came and put his arm around me and

said do you know what darling you're so brave i love you and i went why and he said because you've just eaten uh bull's testicles. Oh. OK. You didn't have to eat 15 in a row, though, did you? That was the thing. No, they're called... Bull's testicles? What's it... Why would you eat...

They're called prairie... Can we say testicles this early in the morning? Yes. I'm just looking through the absolute manual. T, T, T, T. Oh, no, we can't. We can. No, we can't.

We can't till 20 past. It's only 18 minutes past. They're called prairie oysters anyway. That's what they're called. Yeah. I remember that. Should I need to refer to them in a slightly poetic fashion? Yeah.

Just an agricultural farm one day. What, he's got some prairie oysters on him, Farmer Jackson? He certainly has, Mr Skinner. I'm checking it out on a regular basis. Yeah. Oh, well, that's very exciting. It's interesting. I hope they fell into the clichés of those two celebrities.

Stuart Broad gave you a cricket bat and Jamie Oliver cooked you some delicacies. Don't they have anything else to their lives, these people? Do they just do what imagines they do? It's just wrong. That's lovely. So that's me with myling class, John Barrowman. You with Stuart Broad and Jamie Oliver.

Gareth. I'm not allowed near any celebrities. No, well, after what you said about Myling, quite right. Well, I had a lovely surprise this week. This arrived in the post. Have a look at that. Ooh. This is a copy of my new book, which I won't name,

because I don't like plugging, but open it up. Open it up. What does it say? Open it up. Oh, it's a large print version. It's a large print version. Look at the size of the lettering in that. Wow, that's excellent.

Hold it up. I reckon I could read it from here. Easily. It's massive. That's very large print, Frank. That shows I'm appealing to an older audience now, wouldn't you say? Yeah. Yeah, well, I think that's audience now, wouldn't you say? Yeah.

Yeah, well, I think that's been for quite a while. Myopics. Myopics across the world. Yeah, it was my first ever large print edition. I was quite moved. That's very good. I had an idea a couple of weeks ago that the phone-ins on the show be suggested by the actual listeners. And our first one we're going to do after this.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yes, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. Are we being interactivised today? I remembered I did see a celebrity this week. Oh, well we'll stop

to discuss that. Who did you see? Peter Duncan. Well he's, yeah, off the off the blue paint yeah walking in a cafe walking around just like a normal man i don't want to i don't want to remain on your parade but i also saw him it was in edinburgh everyone saw him gareth ubiquitous i met his daughter his daughters came and talked to us after our gig how old are peter Peter Duncan's daughters? They must be about 20. No, that was our phone-in for this week. Too late now, you've spoiled it.

Were they attractive young women and you thought, this is really exciting, young women are talking to us after a gig? I had to restrain some of my fellow comedians from this merging Blue Peter's good name. Don't touch the Duncan girls, that's my motto. No. We have had some lovely emails, though, during the week. Would you like to hear some of the lovely emails? During the week.

I like that. They're a bit more leisurely, our audience. Let's not send them in during the show. Maybe Thursday. OK. That's lovely, though. We're always glad to hear from you. Can I make that absolutely clear?

Some lovely things. Well, Rob Fellow's got in touch. And he's got a bit of a moral conundrum for us moral conundrum oh we like those we do we need a jingle for that can you sing one moral conundrum i'll see if i can come let me see what i can uh find that might as as a sense of uh moral conundrum about it oh just just bear with me keep going for a bit okay okay um he was paid so he was made redundant from what about this for moral conundrum? OK, it's a little abstract, but, you know, I'm thinking on my feet here.

I like that. And then if Gareth says afterwards... Moral conundrum! It's good. It's good. So he's paid his redundancy money, which was a decent amount, and then went on holiday. And when he returned from his holiday, he discovered that he had been mistakeously... Mistakeously?

Mistakeously. Mistakeously? I hate it when that happens. A character in a John Irving novel. I hate it when you discover you've been mistakeously. It's mistakeously that woman with the wedding cake. Great expectations. that woman with the wedding cake

great expectations mistakenly paid the full redundancy again, two lots of cash they'd overpaid him by almost £30,000, £30k and he said that he did tell them about it but he said what

would we have done in that situation if someone made me redundant i'd be quite happy i'd be one of those people who phone the speaking clock in tokyo on my last day and leave off the hook frank i'm really shocked i see you as a kind of village elder figure and i would look towards you for moral guidance on this there's no way i would take that money it's dirty money no but if you've been made redundant you know if people have done that to you i think you're entitled to do something back aren't you and so yeah not like you're going

to nicked it from the safe they'd sent it to you what i mean he could argue i think quite legitimately that it's that kind of incompetence in the administrative section of that business that led to his redundancy so in fact there was a certain poetic justice to him receiving his money twice. Definitely. Tim Eaton. Sorry, I've given my ruling on that. Oh, still, kettle drum still going in the background. And we've had a listener dream. The kettle canon drum.

We've had a listener dream. Have we got a listener dream? Listener dream. Well, you know, me and Emily are very anti-people's dream. You know, I always say it's more boring than listening to their problems. Listening to people's dreams. That's a lovely thing to say. What a fabulous motto. Go on, what is the list? Tim Eaton says, I've just awoken from a dream.

You were frank in presence. You, Frank, were in presence along with some sort of force of minstrels. My eight-year-ago girlfriend... Sorry? Force of minstrels? A force of minstrels. My eight-year-old girlfriend was there? A force of minstrels? A force of minstrels. My eight-year-old girlfriend was there and you were performing some sort of interview. My eight-year-old girlfriend? Oh, my God.

Oh, no, my eight-year-ago girlfriend. Oh. Hold on, I just... Tablets in my... In my inside... Gareth, please never do that to me again. I thought our careers were in ruins. Again.

Needless to say, your genius resolved many long-standing yet benign misconceptions. The future has been realigned. The road to nowhere has been receded. I'm already bored of this dream. No, I like the idea. His girlfriend from eight years ago, who he obviously still carries a bit of a torch for,

I think you would say, and I came and sorted out their relationship as a force of minstrels, sang in the background. As a force of minstrels. Way down above the Suwanee River. Yes, but one has to learn to understand each other. Oh, far away. No, no, but I think, you know,

it's not just about you. Way down above the Suwanee River. Always put yourself second. Is that what the dream was like? I think so, that's what I get. But that's quite... I like the kind of impressionistic nature of that. Absolute.

Radio. So, look, I still haven't said... We asked for people to phone in and to suggest a phone in. Not to phone in, to text in. Our text number, by the way, is 8 8 12 15 in case you don't know that 8 that number again 8 12 15 that's what proper djs do and um yeah somebody suggested that they asked that people name their famous uh their favorite primate that was gabby yeah gabby that's right thank you gabby best tv or film primate? Yes. For those of you who don't know what a primate is,

look it up! Look it up! Yeah. Gareth looked it up this morning. He wasn't sure. Did you look it up? It's like a monkey thing, you know. Yeah, so who's your favourite?

We should start with our own, I think. But we'd love to hear your favourite TV and film primate. I thought it was someone who you went to Primark with. That is... I like that. I think that's good. Your primate. You didn't have to hammer it home. I was way ahead of you.

I've taken that as a personal slight that you felt you had to then say primate again. What would be your favourite TV or film primate, Gareth? Well, there was a film, a Matthew Broderick film called Project X, where it was something, it was in the 80s, and there were

You've gone obscure early, I love that. The chimps, there were chimps who were like being tested on about going into space and stuff, and he had to rescue the chimps and get out of the place. I've got vague memories of it. Why rescue the chimps? There was a nice monkey in that. Yeah, what's that?

Which one? Can you name the monkey? I can't name the monkey. Well, it's his favourite TV of the primate. Not some group of chimpanzees. Some mass of monkeys. Nameless astronaut chimpanzees. I've got mine, Frank.

Think again. Oh, what's yours? Well done, Emily. It's done your own work. Mine is Dr Cornelius, who's an archaeologist slash chimp in Planet of the Apes. You know, I used to go to the job centre every day in the 80s, and I never saw archaeologists slash chimp jobs.

How he got that job, I'll never know. I loved him. He wore like an olive green tunic with sort of leather detailing on it. Slightly camp as archaeologists slash chimps go. It's played by Roddy McDowall. Yes. And I loved him. Was Roddy McDowall Norman Bates? Have I got that completely wrong?

No, that's Anthony Perkins. Of course it was. What a fool I've made of myself. Next chimp. And so early. Next chimp. Mine, I'm telling you, this is quite obscure. There used to be a TV programme called Ghostbusters,

which was nothing to do with the film. If anyone remembers this, I'd love to hear from you. Because sometimes when you remember a very old TV series, you start to think, hold on, have I actually dreamt this? I've never met anyone else. Anyway, it was three people. It used to go, we're the Ghostbusters. I'm Spencer, he's Tracy, I'm Kong.

So one was called Spencer, one was Tracy, one was called Kong. And there was a gorilla in it. And he used to wear one of those hats. You know when people wear like a cap and there's like a propeller on the top of the clothes around in the wind? He wore one of those. And he was like the brains in the outfit. Oh, that sounds vaguely familiar, like an Australian swimming cap. I know that.

Yeah, with the propeller on the top. I know that. Yeah, with the propeller on the top. I know that. I know that monkey. Are you telling me for a second then that you're old enough to remember that? Emily's age once again was mentioned on the show. Turn it off. We all sat and stared at the wall hoping Emily's age would just go away.

Yes. Oh, no, it's playing again now. I actually haven't worked on it. I don't actually know how to stop it. Can I just let it play? I'll just turn it down a little. It's going on and on like Emily's life has. Careful.

Hilarious is not the word. I'll tell you something about those propeller hats, though. Just stop playing it. I'm playing it. I'm one of it. OK. When I first saw the umbrella hat, you know the umbrella hat,

which is like a skull cap with an umbrella on top? I thought, well, that's it now. That is going to be an absolute goldmine. Millions. Umbrellas will die out as we know them. And people will just wear umbrella hats. I'm now starting to think that I can't wait any longer for that to happen.

But honestly, this is why I've never been on Dragons Den. But the umbrella hat, I'm still hoping for. Anyway, favourite TV or film? Privates. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In case you keep wondering, people who listen to the whole show,

if you ever wonder why does he keep saying Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In case you keep... People who listen to the whole show, if you ever wonder why does he keep saying Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, that's because the producer, Emma, says to me during most tracks, can you remind them that you're Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio? So that's what I do. I'm quite obedient in that respect. Have we had texts on 8-12-15?

Lots of lovely texts. 8-12-15, our text number. Is that all right, Emma? That's right. Good, OK. God, Emma's on air. The producer's on air. Go on, carry on.

She's been desperate to get on air for ages. They all are. Oh, yeah. I'm desperate to get on air to read this. Oh, sorry. Adam from Essex. Hi, Frank, you're a legend. I don't care how old Emily is,

I think she has the sexiest voice I've ever heard. Oh. Clive from every which way. Can we just stop you there? I think we should point out that Emily, it's not that Emily is really old, she's just, you know, she's very sensitive about it. By mistake, though, he's written,

I think she has the sexiest voice I've ever heard, which is unfortunate. You have got a sexist voice. Yeah, I think Richard Littlejohn she has the sexist voice I've ever heard. Yes. Which is unfortunate. You have got a sexist voice. Yeah, I think Richard Littlejohn probably has the sexist voice I've ever heard. Anyway, carry on. Clive from Every Which Way But Loose is the best primate, Adam, from Essex Records. It's not Clive, it's Clive. It is Clive.

Clive. It's not Clive, like Clive Dunn, he's thinking of, maybe. Clive's got a posh English name. Was that when Leslie Phillips played an orangutan? Clint Eastwood. Gone to the fire. Hello, Clint. You went a bit Kenneth Williams there, didn't you?

I did. Sorry, I got mixed up. I went into black and white British comedy film Maelstrom and came out all mixed up. Now, listen, John in Poland. Yes, John in Poland. John in Poland. Oh, fabulous. My favourite was from the 70s.

It used to be on before the Sunday match on Granada. So you'll remember this, Frank. It was called BJ and the Bear, about a chimp who travelled with a long-distance truck driver sorting out people's problems. Do you remember that? You know, I remember the title of that. It was one of those programmes I saw the title of in the papers but never watched bj and the bear so does that mean that the chimp was called a bear well i don't know i don't know the details of it confusing now someone's also mentioned something called grape ape does anyone know what that is grape ape was that was a cartoon

thing yeah okay this is what this is like a proper phone, what they have on proper radio shows, when people say stuff and you think, well, yes, there's some words have been said to you. Frank, how about Clive the orangutan? It's not Clive, it's Clyde, and that's from Adam in London. Adam in London, Adam in Essex? He's all over the place with his primate suggestions. Do you think he's just pretending to be from slightly different places

to get all over our radio show? I must admit, that's how I got this job. Hey, guess what? Someone who hasn't left their name but said primate could be head of church, like Cardinal Cormac Connor Murphy O'Connor. That's correct, they are called primate. You got mixed up in the middle of that

and just said some Irish names at random and then you're Murphy O'... Yeah, that is true. They do call those primates. We'll have that as well, then. We'll have your famous leading churchman from film and TV. I don't care. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We've had people now actually sending in churchmen, haven't we, primates, in that sense? No, we had someone saying, fave churchy bloke, Father Ted. I like the fact... You see, we've completely... This is why we're so rubbish.

We've messed up the focus now of the favourite TV primate by accepting the fact it could be a leading churchman. Someone's... Steve has also said, favourite churchman in film would have to be McVicar. Oh, God! I'm loving him, though, for having a go. By the way, we've got the news coming up at nine o'clock, obviously.

And did you read what Terry Wogan said about the news this week? What did he say? He said it's the easiest job in the media, reading the news. This is the easiest job in the media, clearly. Yeah, I don't think he included this. Oh, OK. Yeah, the easiest job. Don't adjust your bra when I'm talking to you.

I was adjusting my bra. You know what Les Dawson used to do? In the middle of a leak, we've got records, we've got adverts. Adjust your bra then. Not when I'm talking straight at you. Stop looking in that area. What are you supposed to do when someone is pulling strings and adjusting chords? Sort of bra-fashioned out of string.

Anyway, do you think it's the easiest job in the media? Reading the news? Yeah. I would get the giggles. Yeah, you would. Well, you probably would. I think the clue is in the word reading, though. It is large.

There's very little improvisation in the news, I find. Yeah, but someone could... I think it's fraught with potential trauma. Someone could storm in and invade the studio. Yeah, that's happened, I think, once in the history of the news. OK, so it could happen. Actually, a mate of mine did it on BBC24. Really?

Yeah, he stood with a big poster. Is that David Baddiel? No, it's... I don't know if I should name him, because he now works on another station. But he ran on with holding up a big site. Adrian, the newsreader, has just

walked out. That's a bit of a worry. Have we offended him? Oh no, now I'll have to read the news and find out how difficult it is. By the way, Charlie Higson is on after the news. You know Charlie Higson? Oh yeah, I like him. Yeah, he's good. Yeah, so my mate walked onto the set

of the BBC 24 news and held up a piece of paper at the back advertising his radio show and was chased out of the building by security guards.

Oh, happy days. It is, it doesn't seem that tricky reading the news but if Adrian doesn't come back we'll probably find out

it's virtually impossible. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Gareth and Charlie Higson. He's in the studio. Hello, Charlie. Hello there. How are you? I'm great. Isn't it great to hear the Rolling Stones? Oh, let me

just check my notes. That was Primal Scream. Oh, was it? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not up with the modern music. Well, it's lovely to have you on. It's lovely to be here on this sunny morning. I think it's fair to say you are a bit of a British comedy legend. I don't think that's an overstatement. Well, that's very nice of you to say so.

Does that mean I'm like an old has-been? It means you're like Beowulf. You don't really exist, but your tale is told from generation to generation. So, we'll go straight into the plug-in. I think you've got another book out. What a book writer. How many books have you written now, Charlie? Ten.

Ten? That's a lot, isn't it? Ten novels. That is a lot. Because most proper novels... Ten novels and a couple of comedy spin-offs. But most... When I say proper novels, people who only write novels, often they don't write ten in

their career. You've written ten, plus done loads of TV shows and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah, well, I like to keep busy. Yeah, I'm glad to hear that. So, the new one. Yes. Well, it's called The Enemy, and it's a horror book for kids.

It's not called The Enemy, is it? No, no, no. Because I think you'll find that's already been written. No. No, The Enemy. Well, in fact, there probably have been other books called that. But my book, The Enemy, not The Enemy, it's a horror book for kids.

The basic idea is that everyone over the age of 14 has been hit by this disease, which has either killed them or turned them into zombies. So on one level, you've got the fantasy of kids have, like, wow, wouldn't it be great if all the adults just disappeared you had the run of the place to yourself right yeah and you know we're here in london you could go out there you can go and live in buckingham palace you could drive buses around go and go and live in the tower of london if you wanted but so i thought well i put a i'd put a scary element in that actually there are these roving gangs of adults out there

trying to catch children to eat them, to survive. To eat them? Yeah. They're proper zombies. It's the generation gap just taking on a pace. Yeah, it's kids versus adults, yeah. I mean, these stories of adults eating children goes right back away, but all the fairy tales are all about that.

I don't know what it is. It's adults' fear that children are going to grow up and take their place. Yeah. And, of course, there's a Jonathan Swift thing. Yes. The tale of a tob when he suggests it'd be a great way of putting an end to poverty if poor people ate their own children. Yeah.

Yes. I don't think we're... We're not promoting that on Absolute Radio. I mean, it's a piece of 18th century... Palembe. Yes, it was satire. Even Jonathan Swift himself was not suggesting it, for goodness sake. So, it's fair to say, is it not, that you're a sort of a specialist on teenage literature?

Well, I've been doing these young Bond novels. I've done five of them for kids. And, you know, it wasn't my idea. I was approached by the Ian Fleming Estate, said, would I be interested in writing these books? And there's a huge James Bond fan. That's so cool that you were just approached Why didn't they approach me? I'm really jealous That's massively exciting Was it just a phone call? Did your agent say I've had the Ian Fleming estate?

Well it was all very hush hush because having worked in the world of secret agents and MI6 for all these years they're very secretive so it was known that somebody wants to talk to you about something but they can't say what it is. Oh, did you have to meet a man in a cafe who was carrying the Guardian?

It was along those lines, yeah. And they were, because they also, they were talking to a lot of other writers as well. I wasn't the only one, so they didn't want it to get out who was talking to who and that. But eventually I got the job, which was fantastic. And so at my late stage in life, I was offered this brand new career

and luckily the books have taken off and kids really like them. which was fantastic. And so at my late stage in life, I was offered this brand-new career, and luckily the books have taken off and kids really like them. So I've now become one of our most established children's authors. So you hadn't written for children before? No. But I've got three boys, which is one of the things I wanted to write the book. There must be loads of novelists who've got three boys.

How many people did they approach? Every novelist inists who've got three boys. How many people did they approach? Every novelist in the country who had three boys. What about the ones with two boys? I'd have thought there's no reason why they couldn't have learned enough. I'd written some adult thrillers that they knew of, and they liked my style. They felt that my style would be suitable for kids. They knew I was a Bond nut, and I had three boys.

So there were three criteria. Do you know who else was up for it incidentally? I do but I'm not allowed to say. Will you tell us off air Charlie? Was it people we wouldn't suspect? I only know one because they were hoping he was going to the idea was they were going to get different writers to write each one because they were approaching proper big name authors and they kind of thought

well they wouldn't want to write more than one because they've got their own jobs so there was one writer they were really trying to get to write the first one, and they said, would I write the second one? But it didn't work out, and I ended up writing the whole lot, which was great. I was hoping it would be really random people like Big Ron Atkinson. Oh, well. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. That was a four. Green-eyed loco, man. Oh, that sounds nice. What are you eating? I've got a man full of pan au chocolat, so at least it's sort of exotic and French-sounding. It's not like meat pie. I'm sorry, but it crept up on me, the end of that thing.

Ask Charlie a question while I finish this. Oh, you asked Charlie a question. OK, what do you think about this, Charlie? Someone sent something saying, I sent you an email message earlier, this to frank you most likely got it but please would you be decent enough to reply before your show ends because my mum would like to get in contact again and that's to frank well it sounds very dubious to me yeah my mom would like to get in contact but it's a decent enough to respond i like that it's got a sort of victorian element

to respond. I like that. It's got a sort of Victorian element to it. Exactly. I imagine it was somebody from the 1930s military, RAF kind of guy. Could have been decent enough. Maybe it wasn't an email, maybe it was a card left on a silver platter. She signed it

off your humble obedience servant. Mum would like to get in touch again. Oh, Frank, what have you been up to? Well, Natasha, I mean, it's... It's Latasha. Oh, Latasha. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's quite an unusual name. Well, you'd remember. You'd think so, wouldn't you? I didn't always get a name, to be honest. Little pause there while we all think about the sordid decadence of that. Well, let's say hello to Latasha. Hello, Latasha. That's Latasha's mum. Yeah, Latasha's mum. Let's say hello to Latasha then hello latasha that's latasha's mum yeah what's her mom called oh well i wouldn't remember latasha then would i no what's her mom called she

didn't say hello latasha's mom and um i don't know if we should get in touch again because i don't know who you are and we all change don't we charlie as with time yes usually for the worst but do you think well there you are i don't know if you'd like me anymore um we don't i mean it could be it could be a relative or anything yeah could be anyway i wonder if she'd like to read charlie's new book called the enemy that comes out this week which is a horror book for uh teenagers you know it would have been much quicker if you'd just done a quick, hey, here's a shout-out to the Tash's mum. You've gone into a half-hour discussion about this.

Oh, God, look, don't come on here and start editing me, just because you're a novelist. Well, it's a shall we say hello to her or not. That's the way it works on here. Yes. Have you been reading? You know, Ken Bruce said this week, the trouble is with radio,

it's been taken away from professionals and given to stand-up comedians who don't know what they're doing. Good evening. Oh, no, sorry, good morning. Bring back DLT. Bring back DLT, but he has to be on a burning raft. That's my theory. So, you haven't given up on the comedy, have you, Charlie?

No, in fact, I am, at this moment, editing a new TV series that I've done with Paul Whitehouse, which is a spin-off of our radio show, Down the Line, which was a spoof phone-in show on Radio 4. Yes, I remember it. So we've reinvented it as a... Gary Bellamy, the host of Down the Line, is now going... He's got his own TV show where he goes round Britain,

meeting the people of Britain, to find out what makes us British. And of course the people of Britain is me and Paul and our friends in different wigs. I remember hearing a trailer for that on Radio 4 and being completely taken aback because it didn't sound anything like Radio 4. It sounded like a sort of chorus. I thought, oh my God, my radio has flicked onto something. Very popular programme though, wasn't it? No, it was great fun to do and luckily, yes, it did go.

I mean, some people on Radio 4 are still a bit mystified by it. It doesn't sound like other Radio 4 phone-in programmes and doesn't sound like any other Radio 4 comedy programmes, but it was great to do, and it was a way for Paul and I just to do something fun together without too much pressure and try and come up with some new characters. So you're editing it at the moment? Does that mean paul doesn't edit it does he leave all that kind of technical no no we're editing it together oh okay editing it together although next week he is off

fishing for a week so i'll be editing without so i can take all his stuff out when you write together do you have that kind of strict you do write actually write together yeah we do do you have that strict thing that you hear about? I think when Ben Elton wrote with Richard Curtis, they used to send give one their version of the script and if one crossed anything out... I don't think they could stand being in the same room together. Yes. Well, I don't know if that's true.

Can I say that those are the thoughts of Charlie Hickson, not Absolute Radio, of course. No, no. But that was the way they worked. Now, Paul and I, we do work together. We sort of set office hours and we go and sit there and it's which one of us cracks first. I think, I hope he says he has to go and do something or he's had enough for today.

And then what? And it's which one of us says, oh, shall we call it a day? Oh, yeah, OK, yeah, all right. But no, we do, we sit there and we do funny voices at each other and just sort of improvise little routines and then write them down. Oh, sounds like the best job ever. Absolute! Radio. each other and just sort of improvise little routines and then write them down oh that sounds like the best job ever absolute radio charlie hickson is with us charlie hickson's got a new book out it's a horror book yes i have to say i i never watch horror or read horror because

genuinely because it frightens me and i don't sleep very well did you did you used to when you were younger i did i'll tell you what was the killer for me I know this book that you've written is a zombie book I went to see a thing called Day of the Dead Day of the Dead, fantastic film yeah, and I think was there a follow up to that called

there were, well the first one was Night of the Living Dead the Day of the Dead was set in a shopping mall with a hold up which was a big influence on my book actually which is first half of it is set in waitrose on holloway road where these kids are holed up under siege from zombies so that's kind of based on dawn of the dead yes fantastic film when they're in this shopping mall being besieged by zombies and then he went on to day of the dead well day of the dead was the diary of the dead and i think he's got a new one coming out yes okay well i'll be honest with you i went to see i went to a late

night show i went to the toilet mid film and i was actually frightened on my own in the toilet i actually opened a couple of cubicle doors i mean they weren't locked i didn't open them with an axe but just i'm serious i was an adult and i checked them i was so spooked out by it and i remember a lot of intestine being eaten and stuff like that it was very very graphic yes but i'm genuinely frightened what about you guys you like horror i dare the triffids i like yeah is that the level that you can take can i say emily was in day of the triffids the bbc when she was a child i like that gets through the net but i was i was doing a signing for the launch of the book and there were some quite small kids coming through and there was this girl she looked about

10 and i'd been talking to him you know have you ever seen a scary film and you know she said yeah i said what's the scariest film you've ever seen she said saw was quite scary she's yeah she said yeah there was a scary clown in it isn't that really heavy duty horror i said what you didn't mind about all the gore and advice no but there was a really nasty clown and their parents were standing there so i mean you know it's like i mean films when i was a kid you know hammer films um they were x certificate some of them are now dvd u certificate and something like harry potter in those days would have been an x actually i did used to what now you come to mention i did watch hammer horror but but they're not that scary they

were quite sexy it's why i used to go as a teenager well horror and sex always seem to go together yeah well i've i'm not going to pretend i've read the whole of your book, but I've read chunks. You've read the cover. No, no. I have read chunks of it, and I found it quite frightening, and I am 52. Well, I mean, I have found, I mean, a lot of adults have read it, and they are, sometimes I think they can get more scared than the kids, because their parents are kids, and, you know, these kids are being chased around by zombies in the books. They get quite sort of maternal or paternal feelings whereas the kids just like the gore and the splatter of it if you're a teenager or have a teenager who likes gore and splatter

I suggest you buy The Enemy by Charlie Higson which is out now isn't it? it is out now and scared me to death but I know people like that kind of thing Charlie thank you very much and good luck with yet another'm sure, yet another hit. Absolute. Radio.

We've had an interesting text telling us that, in fact, I don't know who this was from, telling us that human beings are primates. We had a phone in today for your favourite TV or film primates, so we had things like Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose and The Like. And so some of the defining characteristics of primates so we had things like Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose and the like. And so some of the defining characteristics of primates are a shortened snout that contains at least

three types of teeth, Frank. Have you got one of those? A shortened snout that contains three types of teeth? Yeah, you've got one of those. Well, not with me. I've got a shrunken one, what I got when I was in Africa working with an expedition. And clavicle bones.

Yes. I don't know what they are. They're those things here that you can see on me. Okay, so you're a primate. Yeah, I am. And fingernails and toenails instead of claws. So human beings are all primates. Yeah, we're all primates.

Also, tendency towards vertical posture tendency i have got a since i stopped drinking i have a tendency towards vertical posture i am it's slightly it's interesting slightly ruin the phoning because no one we've actually had a phoning which is name your favorite human being well or primate yeah people did uh towards monkeys though didn't they yeah but only because i led i led that way i think so it's in the end it was a the phone in today was actually your favorite monkey leading churchman or human being and it's a broad it's a broad sweep in fact someone called kaz has said i don't remember any primates, but what about Fave Witch? She says, mine was witchy-poo.

I'll pop you a shot. She's taken over the steering wheel. This text is going out of control, isn't it? It is, yeah. I love the idea, though, of people actually texting in things that people should text in about. Yeah. Grokbags, my favourite witch, I think.

She was a good witch, I must admit. I'm absolutely sure that one day Grokbags said, I hate all you little brats and you too, Gareth Richards, and pointed at the screen. No, I think that was Emily. When we went to that charity nursery thing we did. My favourite witch, without a doubt, is Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched. Oh, Yeah, my favourite witch without a doubt is Elizabeth Montgomery

in Bewitched. Oh, that's a good witch. She was, I mean, what a babe she was. Oh, she's a good witch.

That movie nose thing, that short and snout she had with three or four teeth in it. The crazy primate witch that she was. Yeah, well,

I'm glad that people have just hijacked the primate and made it favourite. But favourite witch is quite good, I, well, I'm glad that people have just hijacked the primate and made it favourite. But favourite witch is quite good, I think. I'm happy with that. We had a text from Vincent Goodman as well, and he said, I usually count the number of times

Emily says the now cult Frank, which she does every time. And he's being particularly cruel. Do you really? I've never noticed that. He says it averages out at three a show but disappointingly she hasn't said it yet this morning.

Come on, Frank. Think of something. Oh, I can't just say so much shocking. I can't shock to order. What do you think I am? Chris Mayells? Is that what you think?

Also, he says, did you know that an anagram of Emily Dean is I delay men? Gareth? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what else has been popular.

Rich from London says, Frank, you just played a great track by The Fall just after 9am, but you had a mouthful of Paro Chocolat when saying the name of the song. Please, can you confirm what it was? Forgive me, it's Green-Eyed Loco Man. There you go. Which is from an album

called Country on the Click. I could imagine a full song called Mouthful of Parashokala. Mouthful of Parashokala! Mouthful! Was that Marky Smith drowning at the end? I saw something on a train the other

day that impressed me. Did you? What was it? It's a bit funny because you know sometimes things happen and I'll tell you what it was. There were some children on the train and they were talking, they were French children

and they were talking French. Which, but whenever I see a child speaking a foreign language fluently even if they're from that place and you know they i'm always really impressed i have to say i totally agree with you i think wow i've actually said to my girlfriend i've got to listen to that amazing kids who are french kids speaking french because you sort of imagine that they must think in english yeah you'd start with english yeah it sounds so fluent as well almost like they're

speaking it all the time in that same family i'm impressed by something weird which is when i see a man carrying something heavy i'm very impressed really because i could never do that i think how can you do that how could you possibly carry that weight? These are really things that one shouldn't be impressed by, aren't they? I think it's all right to be impressed by this, but I've noticed people staring at me. I get very impressed by mobile phones. I will actually say to people,

I'm the person who's taken the longest to get over it with mobile. So I'll say, isn't it amazing now that I'm the person who's taken the longest to get over it with mobile. So I'll say, isn't it amazing now that I'm talking, they're actually in Newcastle, I'm in London, and there's no wires or anything and we're talking. People look at you like you're ill. But surely that is impressive, isn't it? If you see live television, I'll often say, can you believe that they're in Australia now playing cricket

and we're watching them? Which is not true at the moment, obviously, because they're in England. I didn't make that error for anyone listening. I'll tell you something else that impresses me. It's when you see animals that have grown very old. I'm always thinking, that is brilliant. Tortoise, how old?

Unbelievable. There was a dog that died this week in the paper. I know that's sad, obviously, if there's any dogs listening. How old was a dog that died this week in the paper. I know that's sad, obviously, if there's any dogs listening. How old was the dog? Well, the headline said 147, and I thought, that is absolutely... I mean, that dog, he could remember things from the 90s. He could remember the war, and he could remember Queen Victoria.

Could you remember Queen Victoria if he was 147? Oh, yeah. Yeah. But they meant in dog years. When I read the small print, that was the dog years. So like 21 or something? He was 21. Yeah.

Which I didn't. I had a Staffordshire Bull Terrier that lived to be 18. I can see you were the Staffordshire Bull Terrier. Well, this was before they became cool. In the Midlands, a lot of people had them because that's where they originally were bred, in the Midlands, a lot of people had them because they were kind of, that's where they originally were bred, in the Midlands. Anyone's tuning into this, they think,

is this Peter Purvis' Mad About Dogs on Radio 4? And I've got the wrong channel. He died, my 18-year-old dog, and after this, I shall tell you the very strange tale of the death of Shep.

Absolute! Radio. And so, yeah, so I had this dog, Shep, I had, who was died when he was 18. I remember my dad phoned me up at work. This was in the days when I'd like a proper job. And I got a message saying, your dad's phoned up. And I said, did he leave a message? They said he's got

some really, really bad news. I thought, that is the great message to leave for anyone. I thought, did he leave a message? They said he's got some really, really bad news. I thought that is the great message to leave for anyone. I thought, oh my God. So when he found up and he said the dog's dead, I was actually quite pleased that that was the full extent of the bad news. And he said oh shit, I knew he wasn't well last

night. So I let him out to do his business, as he said. And I heard this splashing sound and I said, well well you would he said no no it wasn't he said he'd fallen in the garden pond right and he said i dragged him out and gave him um artificial respiration no very much he was very upset and telling me but i'm struggling now he said uh i'll go i didn't ask you did you you had quite a big mouth it was a staffordshire bull terrier the idea of that you know the kind that's slightly purple dark purple

bit of a dog's mouth fits oh you have to form a seal you know when my when my cat died my dad went danny's a dead pussy oh no that's in like that. And you were 19 at the time. So, yeah, and then he said... So he said, I could see he wasn't well. He said, when I woke up this morning, he was lying dead by the telephone. By the telephone? And I said, do you think he was trying to call a veterinary surgeon? And he said, you know, he got upset that I'd made a joke about it.

But he actually... Shep was buried on the... He said, we'll bury him under the apple tree in the garden, he said, because they say if you bury a dog under an apple tree, it improves the flavour of the fruit. I'm sorry, I've still got him lying by the phone, calling for help. Well, I'm not saying he was calling for help, that was a joke. I know, but it's a nice image. Well, I'm not saying he was calling for help.

That was a joke. I know. But on the doggone boat. It's a nice image. Oh, God. So we were talking about setting up a phone-in for next week, this week, to see if that works. Because we got some good responses this week. Yeah, and I've got an idea for next week.

I've got the most overrated tourist attraction because I've got one. Shall I reveal it now or wait till next week? Let's wait till next week, shall we? Okay, okay. So that's next week's phone-in. Your most disappointing tourist attraction. Oh, that's exciting. I think that's probably the end of the show, isn't it? It's been lovely to be back.

I've been a week off. I love this show so much. And most of all, listeners, I love you. So goodbye from Emily and from Gareth. And good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.