The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Chris Ramsey

Episode Date: March 27, 2010

This week Frank and the team broadcast from Preston, they discussed bad celebrity endorsed adverts.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're going to spend the day in Blackpool. So we're not in our normal studio.

So there's a slight sense of, i don't know which button to press we're all looking a bit panicky at each other and can't hear each other but i think the audience like that yeah well exactly i do like to be beside the seaside do you we love blackpool yes it's it's different we've already been out investigating i'm enjoying because it's i'm in a hotel which is very much an eastern block hotel. But obviously you can get there just on the train, which is better. Yours is a very posh hotel, actually. I came to look around last night. There were other people with me, I should add.

Yes, it wasn't one of those. Why don't you come and look at my room? Which happened to me. I was in Ireland and I was being driven by this woman taxi driver. She would be about 50 odd and she looked like, how can I put this in a nice way, somewhat of an eater in the face lots of times. Not with a

baseball bat because that would have been a terrible caved in red gelatine thing. Same with a table tennis bat. Lots and lots of times. So there was some pimpling but she was like bashed up. And she was quite a rough-looking person, but, you know, perfectly nice.

I'm not condemning her essential human thinginess. And she said, oh, they've spent a lot of money. I won't do the accent. She said, they've spent a lot of money on this hotel, haven't they, when she dropped me outside? I said, the rooms are lovely. You should come in and have a look. And she went, oh, well, I don't know about that.

It was very like I was trying to get her in for sauciness. God, that was a close one. She's the sort of woman that could have just pulled your arms off. Not that that makes her bad. I mean, I'm all for strong women. Well, you should explain why we're actually here, Frank, shouldn't we? Oh, no, I can't be bothered with that. So,

yes, we're here because I'm doing a documentary about George Formby and the George Formby Convention is in Blackpool this week. I thought it was George Foreman, so I was looking forward to getting a free grill, but there you go. No, I'm sorry. But I've got this with me. This is my ukulele, and I've got to play this in front of the convention, and they are aficionados, right?

They know every note that George plays, so I am quite nervous about it. Oh, you'll be fine. No, really, though. With me little stick of black coal rock Down the promenade I stroll It might get sticky, but I never complain You see where he's coming from, George? Rage Against the Machine have covered that.

Have they? Well, I won't be downloading that this Christmas, I don't think. We've got Chris Ramsey on the show today. He's one of these up-and-coming young comics, you know, who some comedians of my generation see as a threat. Not me. Not you. Let them all come. Yeah, so I've been, I met the mayor of Blackpool.

Did you? You're always hanging out with the mayor somewhere or other. Yeah, I've met a few mayors. It's a bit like being a goat. It's meh, this and... So what happened with the mare? Well, he turned up. It was interesting because he was in a wheelchair, God bless him, but the chauffeur who normally drives his official car, when he gets out and puts him in the wheelchair,

the chauffeur pushes him. Oh. Obviously, because he's in the wheelchair. So he still chauffeurs him. But the chauffeur said it's quite nice to be behind him for a change. Don't you dare say a word. So we spoke to the mayor, and he told me about this thing that they're building in Blackpool.

It was an interesting conversation, but in some ways traumatic. They're building a thing, and it's really expensive. It's called the Comedy Carpet. Oh, I like the sound of that. And the Comedy Carpet is this enormous thing on the headland. He kept saying it's up on the headland. I don't know what that means. But anyway, I kept saying, yes, Mr. Mayor.

I called him Mr. Mayor, which was brilliant. And apparently what it is, it's a tribute to British comedy. So it's loads of jokes done by various comedians. And then you just wander around. It's granite slabs. It's not really carpet. Oh, it's not actual carpet outside. No, no. No, I don't think I'd have...

I said I'd be happy to qualify for the Comedy Onderfelt. But no, I'm on it. We were talking about it because George Formby is on it, but it turns out that I'm on it as well. And they've selected a joke to represent my entire career. So you just get one joke on there, and that tells people everything about you and who you are.

What is the joke? I'll tell you after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. As we were saying, we're kind of... We're in Preston at the moment. Let's not lie to the listeners. Yeah.

But we will be in Blackpool at the... It's in a place called Lancashire. It is, yes. You've looked it up, haven't you? They gave me a map at my hotel, actually, speaking of geography. I said, have you got a map of Blackpool? And they said, yes, certainly, sir. So they gave it to me, and I said, where's the hotel?

They said, the hotel's not on it. Which is not that helpful. So, anyway. I call it Preston. I just prefer the sound of that. Anyway, so, yes, so my joke on the comedy carpet, now I've spent many years working and grinding at writing comedy and trying to develop and evolve.

Thinking that one day it might be immortalised in marble. Exactly. So the joke they've chosen is people say dogs are intelligent, but I never trust an animal that is surprised by its own farts. That will represent my career for generations to come. I would have said you've got stronger bits. Well, I'd have thought so. Well, I'd have said so, definitely.

But that's it. And I said to the mayor, who chose this, Mr Mayor? And he said, oh, well, I couldn't tell you that. Oh, you didn't have a row with the. But that's it. That's what... And I said to the mayor, who chose this, Mr Mayor? And he said, oh, well, I couldn't tell you that. Oh, you didn't have a row with the mayor. That's embarrassing, Frank.

No, well, I wrestled him. I got him out of his chair by the chain, dangled him over the edge of the pier and says, look... No, so that's it. So when you go up there,

don't be too shocked that that is right. That's on the comedy carpet. Oh, is it there now? Well, it will be there. One day. That's why I said when you go up there, so there was a sense of future tense about the whole thing.

If you choose to ignore that, then that's how you get that confusion. That peach is Geldof, you see, who's been in the paper this week with no clothes on. I'll tell you what's interesting about her. Dreadful creature. Is that you can tell she's a posh bird even when she's naked how it's it's very hard to explain it's something to do with the way the mouse hangs really the hapsburg chin yeah and so you can just know if you saw her naked you'd think as soon as she speaks she's going to be oh my you know i

really really good to her and i was like and i was like you just know, I really, really could do it. And then I was like... You just know. Is it because she looks a bit like an oil painting? Because you see posh people naked in oil paintings. Yeah, you do see that. In the olden days. Yeah. I know what you mean in the olden days. I can show you what that looks like very easily,

but I'm not prepared to. Well, you're not. It shows you're not posh, because I reckon if you were naked, we wouldn't be certain that you were posh. Can we please not talk about this? You think Em would look a bit rough naked? No, I'm definitely not. I can't believe you said that.

I can't either. I meant rough as in common. I'm going to... Is that okay? Oh, dear. Also at my hotel, the toilet seat, I've noticed. This isn't a toilet joke, although it is set in the toilet. I mean, as you would have known last night when I gave you the

grand tour of my suite. Well, you did, yeah. Eyebrows erased. Don't say what suite it is, for God's sake. I've got people knocking on my... Oh, I can't believe it. So... Can we change Frank's room? Yeah, I don't want Bob Geldof

to turn up and say, Oh, no, he's not Scottish. Yes Geldof turning up and saying, what are you insinuating? Oh, no, he's not Scottish. Yes, or her turning up and saying, I was, like, insulted, and you kind of suggested I was, like, got an absolute chin, and you kind of, like, I was, like, tattooed. Tattooed. I don't want that happening. You can tell she's peaches naked, because she's furry all over.

Yes, and I think I spot... No. So, I forgot what I was talking about. We were in your hotel suite. Well, the fabulous thing about my toilet, my sitting down toilet, is... I love anecdotes that begin with a sentence like that. Yeah, is that for some strange reason, there's a wicker chair right next to the toilet, right opposite. So you could be on the toilet, I mean, doing the proper toilet thing.

Doing the do. And you could be having maybe a game of chess. Yeah. Nice to have some company while you're in there. Yeah, I think that, because I get quite lonely on the toilet sometimes. You can take a newspaper, but it's not like a bit of human contact. Not the same. So people can come and sit in the wicker chair

and have a chat while you do all that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was on about my toilet seat in my Blackpool hotel. Oh, yeah. The wicker chair. We'll forget the wicker chair. Can I say it's remained empty for my trip?

I should hope so. You know, a man has to sometimes lift the seat and sometimes raise it, and it just needs a little bit of oil, and it squeaks, and it sounds exactly like sweep from the... I mean, you could tape it and put it on a spot and no one would even notice a thing. And there's something very uplifting, really, or downlifting, obviously, depending on what you're about to do.

It sort of makes me smile every time I move that toilet seat. And then, coincidence of coincidences, yes, I was on the pier, on the North Pier at Blackpool, and there's a plaque that says, very near this spot, they don't want to be too precise, Harry H. Corbett discovered sooty.

Wow. What, was it lying on the floor or something? I think it was begging. A child's discarded toy? It was holding up a, you know it's mute, sooty. It's holding a card, you know, hungry, homeless and acrylic. Yeah, so that was very... It must have been in a shop or something, I suppose.

I imagine there was a glove and then the head from a teddy bear that had sort of blown along and blew into a formation. Oh, that's like a fabulous twist of fate. Well, I'm going to the pier later. I'm going to go to the fortune teller there. Oh, Madam Petralengo, whatever she's called.

Oh, you're on first name terms all of a sudden. I noticed a shot because it's the celebrity fest in the window. Photos of people she's... Oh, really? Jeremy Coyle, she read his fortune. And still he continued. Can you believe that? His fortune, She read it.

She said, you're going to meet a lot of very, very unpleasant people, some of whom have been having irregular sex lives and exploiting their family. And apparently, yeah, it's frighteningly accurate. She also told Brian Connolly he was going to end up living in America. So we'll see. Well, there you go. We'll keep you updated on that on the show.

Oh, my goodness me. So, anyway, yes, we are in the northwest of England. It's very lovely in many ways. I'll tell you who didn't go on their holiday to Blackpool. Who? Jamie and Louise Redknapp. Have you seen their new advert? I love the way you fled in

on that one. Oh, I know. That's far too professional for us. Let's not draw attention to it and then we can just move on. Don't get touchy. You're reachable from here, you know, just a bigger desk. The only thing, I couldn't throw myself across it and take you by the lapels. If you had lapels and not some sort of

student t-shirt, yes. It's the same t-shirt he wears every Saturday. I do not wear this t-shirt every Saturday. You do, the same sort of student T-shirt. Yes. It's the same T-shirt he wears every Saturday. I do not wear this T-shirt every Saturday. You do, the same old Cardian T-shirt. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh. When I was coming in in the car this morning,

I heard a radio station, I think it was Magic FM, some of the blokes, so we got a, he started by saying, we've got a great show for you this morning. And I thought, I heard a radio station, I think it was Magic FM, so we got a, it started by saying we got a great show for you this morning. And I thought, I never do that because I don't really know. No. It might be not that good. Right? And then I don't want to lie to people.

So, um, You can't pre-empt it. No, you can't. We'll have to see. I'll say it at the end, maybe. We can have a debriefing. We've had a text in. Now, they've remained anonymous, perhaps quite sensibly, because they are correcting you. And this anonymous

listener is saying, Frank, is Harry H. Corbett not the son in Steptoe and Son, and not the person behind City and Sweet? Oh, actually, this person is absolutely correct. I'm going to say she, because I don't want to assume, you know, it's a man who's got this correct.

Yes, it's actually Harry Corbett who did that. Oh, OK. What's an H between friends? Well, no, it would have been quite a different shout. Oh, well, half of you, but you're dirty. Dirty little bear. Well, I didn't know. He's got a voice.

Whose idea was that? Ah, you dirty little bleeder. Oh, God, Sooty, you dirty scum. Move that, stop that toilet seat. It would have been a different show altogether. One I would have watched, I have to say. Well, I would have, yeah, I'd love to have heard Sooty with a voice. I'm surprised they didn't try that.

You know when the career started to dip a bit, and they thought, have a meeting, you know, we need to do something new with Sooty. What about a voice? Because they changed Sue. Remember Sue, the female panda, who was like the love interest? Oh, I found her a bit sappy.

When she first started talking... She was bossy. She was quite posh and bossy. And you... Excuse me? And you're quite quiet and I'm a bit squeaky. Yeah, I only talk in your ear. Yeah, this is weird.

Hold on, it was this old man reaching down through the roof of the studio and... Whoa! Yeah. Now, Sue, when she first started talking, used to go, Oh, Mr Corbett! That was her voice, yeah. And then one series, suddenly it was a very nice middle-aged woman's voice. And they stopped the...

They obviously decided that was grating. Even on small children, they couldn't stand it. There's been another text in from Nigel and Luton. Morning, Frank. We're listening to you on our free sap through the TV. And my girlfriend's six-year-old daughter just looked at the TV and read the screen information and said, Now on Frankenstein. From Frank Skinner.

That's pretty close. That was very clever of her. And I was assembled from various other different people. And you know that bloke with the weird back who went to get my brain and then he dropped it and ended up bringing the brain of a end-of-the-peer comedian from the 1930s. And that explained so much. So thanks for that, E. Gore, if you're listening. Mr. E. Gore. Do you think he got letters addressed to Mr. E. Gore? Anyway, you were on about Jamie Redknapp. We don't

know why. Yeah, that ad you were going on about. Speaking of ads, sorry, before you go on to this, did you see that, you know Lenny Henry's premiere in? Oh, he's not still doing those ads. But you know the one when he smashes, they did like The Shining, he smashes the door down and puts his head and says

here's Lenny! And then there's like a nice Lenny standing next to him. It's a very clever split screen technique. Apparently they can't show it on children's television. Why? Because Ari H. Corbett says, no, it's because it's too frightening for children. Lenny's

performance is so convincing that it terrifies more children. I can believe that. Those adverts are quite scary for comedians as well. Why? I find them chilling. Do you? I find it very chilling when he really, because he's quite big now, Lenny,

when he throws himself back and lands on that bed, I think, I'm so glad I'm not in the room below. I should cut to the room below and plastic on me down. What on earth? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So we were talking about adverts. Yes, and we thought, we've decided in our conversation that we thought we'd have a phone-in. No, a phone-in, because... We don't do phone-ins, we don't have the facilities. We don't, that's too complicated. Emails, yeah. Texts.

A texting on which celebrity advert you think was the biggest mistake. Yeah. What would you go for? Oh, there are so many. Where do you start? Mine at the moment is, I don't know if you've noticed, but James Corden is doing the Toby Carvery adverts. Is he?

No, he is not. He really is. He's not. He really is. Well, you two could look like that if you ate at these restaurants. Does he dress as a jug? No, it's just his voice. He doesn't need to.

But, I mean, you can't... Oh, it's his voice. I bet they paid him in gravy, do you think? I'd love the idea of being paid in gravy. One of those big oil tankers that you see pull up at the garage and then him taking in the big tube, just filling with gravy. My client is being paid in savouries. That was the deal.

No, I haven't even heard that. I don't know. It's just the voiceover. The one that got me was when, do you remember when Norwich Union became Aviva? Oh, yeah. They got some enormous names. They had Ringo Starr saying,

would I still be famous if I'd been called Richard Starkey? And I think we haven't quite got over the fact that you're famous anyway. Don't make it more complex with what-ifs. Norwich is still called Norwich, though, isn't it? I think Norwich has retained its title, yeah. And I think the union, well, not only has the union kept their titles, but they seem to have encouraged their confidence, losing the Norwich Union angle.

Now they think, well, now we've got our unionness back, let's stop the whole country. Why not? I don't care. I'm not flying anywhere anyway. Carry on, lads. So what was the advert you sent? Well, I also don't like the Jamie and Louise one

because I don't like that he's playing football or keepy-uppy on the beach and he's wearing a suit and only tramps do that, wear suits on the beach. What do you mean? I once saw a man in Eastbourne. You know when you lie in that sort of traditional sunbathe and you lie in a crucifix position on the beach and he lay completely flat out, no towel under him or anything,

just flat out on his back on the beach, and he lay completely flat out, no towel under him or anything, just flat out, like, on his back on the beach. And he had, not that he didn't have a suit on, but it included a waistcoat and tie. And he was sunbathing, dressed like, I thought he'd fallen out of a helicopter. It was absolutely odd. I should own up, by the way, that I have done,

I actually, the lowest I think I've ever sank in my career was when I said, every little helps. You did, Alan. I did one of those for their slimline. I won't name the brand, but you know what it is. Their slimline Christmas tree. Oh, I think we had one of them. You had a slimline Christmas tree?

Well, there you are. It's a very appealing advert. I think a lot of people would never normally have bought a slimline. I don't know why you need a slimline, unless you live in an elevator. Yeah, we did live in an elevator. Did you? OK. Well, it has its ups and downs. I'm terribly sorry, everyone. Well, you know, as I said,

if Igor hadn't brought that brain from the 50s mainstream comic, we'd be absolutely alright We've had so many fabulous texts in on 812.15 in response to this Well, let's hear them advert call out, so we've got Matt from Guildford says Dale Winton in Cash for Gold What I like about that though he's such a method actor, he's actually says Dale Winton in Cash for Gold.

What I like about that, though, he's such a method actor. He's actually gold in the advert. No, but I'm just thinking David Dickinson also does a gold, sending you gold, and he's also gold. That's how they've chosen the people that do it. Gabby has suggested Lord Lawrence Olivier plugging Polaroid cameras. Oh, Gabby, I like you. How old is Gabby?

Well, I don't know, but I love her. Or Orson Welles flogging sherry. Oh, I remember Orson Welles flogging sherry. Oh, God,

I need a sherry. Yeah. It was, I'd say Orson Welles, there's some, is there a wasp in there? There's some fabulous outtakes. He did an advert for Findus Fish Fingers.

Orson Welles did Frozen Food. And they're left in. There's a tape of him talking to the director, and he's really horrible to him, talking about the script. That would be quite intimidating, though, wouldn't it, directing Orson Welles? There's a bit where he says, And what do you think I should say? You in the depths of your

ignorance. Oh, awesome. I mean, you don't want that kind of thing. He was only doing the ad so he could spend it on buying more cake, because he wanted to eat more. I thought that company Awesome Wells would have been interested in him endorsing them. You know, the ones that did really good wells.

Oh, yeah. Awesome wells, because it sounds like an awesome well. Ray Winston in a Kellogg's, and I'm not going to tell you what to do. You know, I've seen that advert. David and Nottingham. I've seen that advert 20 times. I had no idea what he was telling us about Ray Winston.

David and Nottingham has also said, and also that bird from Countdown trying to get people into deeper debt. Yeah, I think that'll be a reference to Carol Vorderman. Oh, your neighbour. Unless Rachel Riley just hangs around his street trying to sell people real estate, which I think is unlikely. Well, this is good.

Can I make a second confession? Go on. I have done two voiceovers in my career i did the slimline christmas train but my first ever voiceover yeah many years ago when i think i was chosen because i have a certain working class here was me saying don't know where to start Exchange and March. Yes. It was a very stressful day at the studio doing that voiceover. The bloke basically just picked on me and he kept making me do it over and over and talking about my motivation and stuff.

Did you keep changing the manner in which you said it? Well, when I did it... Sorry, we're not running out of time here, are we? I keep expecting that the news will come on. I seem to have talked right through the news to travel for the next show. We pay no mind to these mere trivialities. No, no, you know, we're in Preston.

Why should we care what's happening on the channel, generally? What was I talking about? You were talking about don't know where to start, exchanging lots. Oh, yeah, so I went in, and oh, I'll have to tell you after because now because I've said that, a slight panic has gone off and people have realised that actually we should have gone about ten minutes ago.

I can't believe it. Where's me rock? Grant Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I very much mistimed my pastry eating. I was just going to say, you're full of power chocolat. But you just tell us a story while I'm swallowing this. Well, I can tell you a text we've had in on 8.12.15

regarding ads people hate from Marcello. Oh, I like the sound of Marcello. Tony Blackburn doing the Slim Fast ad. Oh, yeah, I don't like that. Do you know that? People have got fabulous memories. I thought they would all be contemporary things, but no, it's Lord Olivier's been mentioned.

Orson Welles. It shows the disappointment from these adverts can last for years and years and years. Yeah, I'm glad that people hold grudges over these things. So speaking of grudges, Gareth, I'm sorry to announce to our listeners we've been very anxious about whether or not you won the best new cover.

Both in their thousands. Yeah. So the Chorchel Awards were this week, and as you haven't mentioned it. No. Oh. You can read into that. I didn't win, but then I don't tend to win things. So I'm used to it.

I don't know. You won the competition that got you this job. That's true. Say why you would like to work with Frank Skinner in 40 words. Yeah, exactly. There weren't that many. All-Leds. You went for the All-Leds option.

Just lots of pleases. So tell us about short-term. There was all that stuff about sleeping in a cardboard box. I think twanged a few heartstrings in the office. And now I've got a son. Yeah, no, I was so nervous. I felt absolutely sick. It's a really big deal for comedians, isn't it?

Chortle is a website. I don't know if people know about it. So I was just clinging to the people I knew at first. You're physically clinging? Yes, physically clinging to people I knew because first. And then I decided... You're physically cleaning? Yes, physically cleaning. Oh, like Hoggy Bear? Nervous. And then I thought maybe I should go around and talk to some people. That's not like you at all.

I know. I was going to say, that's always nice at a social event, talking to people. Yeah. Gareth tends to stand face in the wall. Well, Daisy makes me do that. So tell us what happened then. Who did you speak to? Who won?

Well, I'll answer the first question. Okay. The first person I spoke to was a lovely man called James Kettle, who is a comedian, but now he mostly, I think, writes reviews and stuff for The Guardian. So he does the comedy suggestions bit in The Guardian newspaper. What I like about James Kettle is if you keep an eye on him he never ever loses his temper

so he's a comic turned critic that's interesting yeah I bet he's not at all bitter and um what did the kettle have to say well I thought I had quite a nice chat with him and just talking and it's a bit awkward there as a lot of my social media pages are. I heard he was a bit hypocritical about Paul Potts. Some suggestion that he was Afro-Caribbean. Couldn't work it out. And so I chatted to him and said, oh, I'd better go and talk to some other people.

And he goes, oh, no, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Did he? He said, you seem a bit better go and talk to some other people. And he goes, oh, no, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Did he? He said, you seem a bit sort of weird and tipsy. I'd had a glass of wine, but I'd had a couple of sips. I was on my first glass of wine, and he said, yeah, I wouldn't talk to anyone else if I were you. You seem a bit weird and tipsy. Oh, that's a bad review.

Yes. I mean, if that he was reviewing your conversation, it's not good. So, yeah, I completely lost confidence after that. Well, you would lose confidence after that. Ran back to some people I knew. But there were some, like, Eddie Izzard was there. Oh, he's nice.

He got an award. Was he running? Was he holding a flag and running? He can't stop now. He was on his four Snickers of the evening. He just got very confused. Yes. He looks like he's on his four Snickers.

Did James Kettle say, stop eating that? Stop eating that snickers, you're going a bit weird. Yeah, exactly. Oh, Eddie, can I just stop running? I'm imagining that's how the kettle talks. I'm calling him the kettle. But it was nice. As the evening went on, I just found people I liked

and hung out with them and it was lovely. So you avoided the kettle, is what you're saying? I wish I'd gone. I only went to the kick-ass premiere with Brad Pitt. Anyway. Anyway, I think on that note... Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Chris Ramsey has entered the studio. Woo! Good morning, Chris. And he's wearing as young men often do nowadays. He's wearing a woolly hat. When I put it on, I thought, he's wearing, as young men often do nowadays, he's wearing a woolly hat. When I put it on, I thought, he's going to have something to say about this.

Well, when you look through the hatchway of the door, I thought, ooh, pizza. No, it's the guest. If I was your age, I'd wear a woolly hat. It's very fashionable. I've noticed that. I notice things. I just don't, you know, I don't feel right to join in.

As soon as I put it on, I thought, yeah, this is going to be a talking point, sadly. Well, I think, you know... I like it, in a sort of X Factor audition-y way. Oh, no. That's exactly the look I was going for. So, Chris, well, where do I begin? You are about to do an Edinburgh show. Yeah, the first one, yeah. That's your first one-man show. So what have you done previously in Edinburgh, then?

Have you sort of joined in on others? Yeah, well, I did the Comedy Zone last year. Well, I believe Gareth Richards did that very show. Oh, yeah, I thought I recognised that man. You did the Comedy Zone with me. Of course I did, yeah, it was great. And is it all fabulous camaraderie and comedy mateship? Definitely, yeah. It was a bit awkward at first. fabulous camaraderie and comedy mateship? Definitely, yeah.

It was a bit awkward at first. Gareth's quite quiet, and when I'm with someone quiet, I tend to overcompensate and talk loads. Just total verbal diarrhoea. And, yeah, I think... Does he know about the jacket? He must know about the jacket. I think we should say that.

Let's talk about the jacket. I mean, Gareth is weird and tipsy so don't feel bad well that's even bad yeah well the quietness put up with that it just it just sent me

into overdrive yes I think the quietness is a symptom so what's what's with the jacket well I will for the comedy zone I wore a lovely

blue jacket for most of it when you say lovely yeah it is lovely okay you've seen it. Yeah, I know. I think she has, that's why she gave that one.

For our first preview of it, we went into the dressing room and I went straight in and hung the jacket up and then Chris walked in. And what happened then, Christopher? I thought it had just been left there and I walked in. Look at this jacket! Who'd wear a jacket like that?

It's from the past! What kind of an idiot wears a jacket like that and then he started saying oh it's mine and i thought he was winding us up i was going oh of course it is and i started like putting it on and then he's like look can i please have my jacket back the sleeves off it unbelievable it was unbelievable i was so i was mortified i was it's one of the moments where you know when you remember something embarrassing and you make an involuntary noise, you go like, ah! I do it, if I remember it, I make a noise. It was tragic, but I think, yeah,

I think it made a strong bond. Yes, but have you forgiven him, Gareth? Because I know you're a man to bear a grudge. Yeah, no, never. Right, I'm leaving. I feel like we've got the twins in the back of the car. Can you reach back and slap one of them and tell them to shut up

and tell them we'll be there in a minute and they can't have a drink of water Ow! So Chris, it's a big step isn't it the first one man It's terrifying, yeah I go through days of, some days I sit and I look at it all and I think yeah this is

going to be brilliant and then the next day I look at the same stuff and I think, what am I thinking? This is going to be absolutely terrible. It goes from days of being terrified to days of being really chuffed with it. It's really strange. That's comedy. Well, I'm... We'll talk a bit more about...

What I'm going to do is I'm going to press in a minute my Frank Skinner ID, as it's called. Just letting you in on the workings. You know there's a George Formby lyric where a woman gives him a pocket watch and it's completely empty. And she says, I'll give you the works tomorrow night. Comedy hasn't changed much. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Talking of reviews, we've had a review in about Gareth. Can I remind you, we've got a guest in. It's all about him at the moment. This is not... Let's read this review for Gareth, because this is great. It's from Paul Herbert. He says, we saw Gareth warming up for Rod Gilbert on Thursday,

and most people thought he was tipsy, until I told them that's how he normally sounds on your show oh poor Gareth he's getting a reputation for being a drunk brilliant no people do assume that about me I think that I'm either drunk or on drugs well that's what threw me off that's what threw me off at the beginning yeah I thought he's not gonna mind it's definitely not his jugger it's your jugger so you were warming up for Rod Gilbert. Has he gone to stud? You know they have the teaser horse that goes in. You know the teaser horse that goes in and gets the mare ready?

When I say the mare, I don't mean the man I was speaking to yesterday from Blackpool. I don't think anyone got him ready. But, yeah, and then when the mare is at the very point of readiness, they take the teaser away and the important horse comes in. The Rod Gilbert horse. Yeah. The terrible Gilbert. I'm learning stuff.

Yeah. So, Chris, you're Edinburgh shell then. Obviously Edinburgh's in August. So what's staying to you? I'm interested to know. Well, because it's the first one, I kind of had the idea for it before I even did the Comedy Zone, so I've sort of been building

the stuff up for a little while. What is the idea for it? The show is called Agrophobic. Not Agra-phobic. Right. Agrophobic. Oh, I thought it was a spelling mistake when I saw it. Yeah, that's what I might get hyphenated because everyone's thinking that I'm just some kind of idiot. My spell check doesn't work on my PC.

It's basically, it situations that I get in where I'm quite... Even though I say things like that to Gareth, I am quite out in public and in the street. I'm quite sort of standoffish. If someone comes up to ask for directions, I immediately just think he's going to hit us. It's like I'm just... You know what I mean? So it's about that and different situations around that and that can happen in the northeast yeah

happens a lot i remember my dad got in one night and he was about 61 at the time and he he's all his hand was swollen up and i said what's happened he said some ah he said some guy um come up to me and said have you got the time he said i'm not falling for that one i said what did you do he said i hit him he went over a garden he said that's what they do he said i'm not falling for that one i said what did you do he said i hit him he went over a garden he said that's what they do he said they say a lot of time then when you look down they the new one apparently what i heard the other day the new one is um someone will come up and ask you for directions and then when you go oh i'll just check google maps and you whip your iphone out bump they've got your iphone that's the new one, apparently. Well, I can understand. I think you deserve that.

Check Google Maps. What if I go up to someone and say, excuse me, but who's Gertrude Schilling? I'll just Google it. I mean, is that how it works? By the way, I don't send it. That happened to me on the Wii, actually. I can't believe it.

Yeah, exactly. They always say Gertrude Schilling. I mean, what they need to broaden their catchment area, because, exactly. They always say Gertrude Schilling. I mean, what they need, they need to broaden their catchment area because people never get on to the Gertrude Schilling thing. Can I say that Gertrude Schilling used to be an old lady that wore elaborate outfits every ascot? Hats, specifically, yes. Specifically hats, but elaborate outfits. In fact, her act has been completely stolen by Lady Gargoth.

It was based her entire act on Ladies' Day at Ascot. So, Chris, you've done quite a lot of support work. Yeah, yeah. And no one ever thinks you're drunk. No, it's strange, isn't it? I think that's what I'm doing wrong. No, yeah, I've been really lucky. Well, just last year, I got to support Lee Mack and Russell Kane.

I went out and I've done most some of the tour with Russell Kane. And Jenny Aclay, actually. I supported Jenny Aclay. That was a one-off. But that was... She can be a handful. It was mental, right? She got in my car, I picked her up.

I was driving from Manchester to Oldham. You had to drive her as well? You got in a car with her? Well, I said I would because she was like, oh, what time should I meet you there or whatever? And I said, look, I'm driving. She was staying in Manchester and we're driving to Oldham and it was only like a 15-minute drive. So I said, look, I'll I would, because she was like, oh, what time should I meet you there, whatever? And I said, look, I'm driving. She was staying in Manchester, and we're driving to Oldham, and it was only like a 15-minute drive.

So I said, look, I'll pick you up. So I picked her up. She got in my car. She didn't say hello. She didn't say anything. She just looked at us and went, oh, you look just like my daughter. Did you have your hat on? Well, no, I didn't.

I had my hair out, and the locks were flowing and everything. But I thought, I don't know, I thought I must be one good-looking lad. It was really, I didn't know what to make of it. It was really funny. It's an interesting opening. It's the thing you want to break people into. Yeah, it was really strange, but she was lovely. Yeah, it was great.

I think she's probably tipsy and a bit quiet. No, she's definitely not a bit quiet. But you're about to support Al Murray, and that's a massive tour, isn't it? Yeah, I got informed of that on Wednesday. I got the phone call, and I was just silent on the phone for ages. And then Daisy actually phoned us afterwards. I should say that Daisy is today producing the show. Normally, she just makes the tea.

But they said, well, up north, she'll be able to run the whole thing. I thought it was a bit patronising. I'm a duke here. Let's not push it too far. No, but yeah, I got told on Wednesday about that, and I was just over the moon. It was just one of them things. Well, I supported Al in December.

We did a one-off gig in Dubai together. How was that? It was awesome. It was terrifying. It was the biggest venue I'd done and it was just great. I mean Dubai is really strange. Really, really strange. I've never been to

Dubai actually. I don't fancy it much. It's very weird. There's no centre. It's just sort of a collection of hotels in different areas and taxis from each one. And footballers playing keepy-uppy on the beach wearing suits. No doubt. And people playing tennis on that helipad at the top of the berger al arab yeah it was uh it was it was crazy it was i mean the sort of just

i don't know it was it's sort of in places where i think they're just throwing money i got off the plane in dubai this is how weird it was i got off the plane and then the guy who was meeting with said oh well there's your car we'll put you in the car and you can go all the way to your hotel i can't come to the hotel with you though because i'm actually waiting for the backstreet boys to come off a plane. And I was like straight away, I was like alright. I panicked a bit. I thought I wasn't in a plane, I was in a time machine. I'm back in 1998

when I had a career. It was really weird. Maybe he's just a massive fan and he waits all the time on the off chance for the Backstreet Boys. Well they did actually come. It was great. That's fabulous news. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We're with Chris Ramsey. And Chris Ramsey, you're teetering, or have throughout your life, teetered on the working with animals option. Yeah, it's always a backup plan in my head, yeah. Have you ever done anything about it? You've never actually done it. No, I haven't even got a dog. I was getting a dog, but I I'm working towards getting a dog.

That'll be a start. You can conduct operations at home, as long as you sterilise everything. So, have you ever... Is it still an option? Because you do get a lot of... I've got a... My dentist is also a comedian,

so you can do two jobs. Yeah, well, I've genuinely always said that if this comedy doesn't pan out, if it starts going stale or I just stop enjoying it, I would genuinely consider going and working in a zoo. I just think it would be great. I watch all day on Animal Planet and stuff on Sky. I just watch all these daft Animal Park and Zoo Vet at Lodge and things like that.

I just love them, man. It's just great. Have you ever been to Monkey World in Dorset? Oh, no, I've heard about it. I've never been. It's absolutely marvellous. It's near me. You should come and stay and we could go. Have you been? I haven't been. They wouldn't let you in because you thought you were drunk.

Yeah. Oh, it's that bloke. You know that drunk bloke? Yeah, it's good there because they're not completely, there's a sense they're not completely behind bars. They're sort of knocking around. Well, they're not working behind the burger thing. You can be looking at monkeys in a cage and say,

oh, look at the behind on that one and turn around to speak and it's another monkey looking in. It's like being in a lap dancing club or something, really. Yeah. Yeah, I'm lost on that one it's a bit different in london they'd be brilliant in a pole dance i mean they'd have their hands free to do what they could juggle while they were polled out well i think it's a no i mean it's i think you know it's a very noble thing to be a comic and i'm sure you won'm sure it won't come to it that you need to quit that,

because I've seen you work and you're very funny. However, I think it's... I can see the lure of working in a zoo. Yeah. I just genuinely think it would be great. I mean, there's obviously... I mean, they don't... You know what I mean?

All the documentaries and things I watch, they don't just show you the bloke who has to muck out the dung for, like, all day. They don't show you him and follow him around all day. No. You know what I mean? They always show you the good ones who get to playuck out the dung for like all day. They don't show you him and follow him around all day. You know what I mean? They always show you the good ones who get to play with like the odd-ass and stuff. Well, perhaps they all do a bit of dung shifting. Yeah.

And it's not one man who has to do it. And you get to stand by an operating table going, we're all rooting for your pup. That's what Rolf used to say. Yeah, I tell you what, I wonder when an elephant dies at the zoo, what do they do with the body? You couldn't just leave it by the bin. Well, they send the legs to kebab shops.

Is that what they do? Actually, I had that come for you. Maybe they just feed them to the other animals. That'd be terrible. If you were going past a lion pit and you saw a trunk in there, I mean, you'd presume they were going on holiday, obviously. Look, Chris, it's been lovely talking to you. Thank you, it's been a trunk in there I mean you'd presume they were going on holiday obviously look Chris

it's been lovely talking to you and I hope I shall come and see your show in Edinburgh I'm sure it'll be a roaring success

if anyone wants to see you sooner than that where should they go oh just go on my website it's got all my

gigs lists on there you go Chris Ramsey go and check him out chrisramseycomedy.com there you go chrisramseycomedy.com and he's also supporting Al Murray.

And it's good to see you, Chris. Thanks for coming on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had some texts in. I noticed, by the way, can I say in the toilet, that there's Michael Bolton's silver disc is in the cubicle. What, the one from his skull?

Yeah. I mean, is that a bit disrespectful to Michael Bolton? I should say we're at Rock FM in Preston, which is obviously named after the confectionery because we're this close to Blackpool rather than the music. Okay. But yeah, the Michael Bolton's silver disc is in the... If I had Michael Bolton's silver disc, I'd put it where everyone could see. eBay. Don yeah, the Michael Bolton silver disc is in there. If I had Michael Bolton silver disc, I'd put

it where everyone could see. eBay. Don't hide it away. We've had some texts in about irritating adverts, celebrity adverts. Oh, yes. One is from one of our regular texters in. I love him. Steve at the Village Bakery in Birchington. Oh, yes. Frank, have you seen the new

Vanessa Felt advertising pig iron? Oh, Steve. Oh, she's got pig iron! She's got all pig iron! I haven't seen that, but I look forward to seeing it. Does she do the call? I hope she does. Or does she just do the sound effects, the oinking? Carl from London is reminding us of Michael Winner flogging Eshaw. Calm down, dear.

Oh, I hated that. He called Christian the other morning. Did he? And he began by saying, it's only me. Calm down, dear. I mean, he can't resist doing it. He loves it. Some people get a bit touchy about their catchphrase,

but Michael Winner, he doesn't really want to say anything else. He's happy to just say that. He's so excited he's got one. I sat next to him at a Posh Do once, and I had a little Laurel and Hardy badge on, and he said, oh, do you like Laurel and Hardy? And I said, yes, I do. He said, oh, you should talk to Marlon Brando. I said, OK, what's his number?

Marlon, you don't know me, but I'm a big Laurel and Hardy fan. I mean, can you imagine? Anything else? Yeah, we've also had... Now, he's chosen to remain anonymous, but there's a funny reference to John Lydon acting as some butter lord. That's exactly what he is. He's a butter lord.

He's a butter lord. Sorry, I'm just trying my ukulele. Oh, I love it. Oh, if women like them, like men like those, why don't women like me? Hey, those, why don't women like me? Hey, hey, why don't women like me? Was Martina Navratilova there?

With her new single? Well, that's all splendid news. I see that someone else cried on Piers Morgan. Oh, another one. Can you believe it? You have to cry if you go on that. I can't think of another show where you have to cry.

Yeah, it's Jerry Halliwell now. Yeah, and I like Jerry Halliwell. I've always been a fan of hers. Oh. Oh, it's all right you being like that. She's the only person I... Now, two people, in all the people I interviewed, I don't know if you know,

but I used to have a chat show in the old days. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. And that nearly killed me. And there's only two guests ever gave me a present. Martin Kemp gave me a book about Elvis. What did he give you?

A sofa from World of Leather? He wasn't doing it though. Has he moved to World of Leather? And Jerry bought me some pants. Oh, that's a nice one. Some Calvin Klein pants. Proper Calvin, not Calvin classics off the market.

Proper Calvin Klein white boxes. I bought you those as well. As a joke, I hasten to add. Yeah, but I mean, you're a close friend of mine. She was just a guest on that. And I think there's something else about Gerry Halliwell. A friend of mine went to the ladies' toilet. It's gone very toilety today, but it's a clean story.

Went to the ladies' toilet at London Weekend Television. As Henry Norma always used to say, three of the most overrated concepts in popular culture. And they went to the ladies' toilet, and Jerry, they heard this voice saying, sorry, sorry, and Jerry was sitting on the toilet with the door wide open. And she said, I'm sorry, I can't shut the door,

I get agoraphobic. Wow. Oh, I can imagine that. What about everyone else's phobia about seeing a Spice Girl on the toilet? I'd be, I'd be, I don't know, I'd be all right with that. You could sit on a wicker chair in front of her. I'd get the wicker chair up, yeah.

We could talk about girl power. I'd be very happy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So what are we going to do today? We're going off to your George Formby convention. Yes, I sound very nervous. I have to perform there in front of all these George Formby experts.

We've got to do that. I should say we went for a meal last night in Blackpool. That was lovely. It was. It was a place called Toast. It was. We couldn't order toast, could we? I thought it was a toast-themed restaurant.

All sorts of toast. That would be it. I think a restaurant where you could get all sorts of things on toast would be... Write that down, will you? Okay, yeah. Of course. Because, you know,

being drunk, you'll obviously forget it. Yeah, and we were walking down the street and we heard... I was walking down the street and I saw a blind man on a poster.

Any fall fans will get that. Everyone else will think, how does this bloke get work? Frank is doing an impression of Marky Smith. Yes, and we heard music, didn't we? We did. We had specifically Pet Shop Boys music. Yes. I thought maybe it was some sort of flamboyant nightclub.

Yes, theatrical nightclub. And then we saw some giant metal structures that looked like the world was being invaded by aliens. It was very War of the Worlds, and there was a light show going on, and it was just in a quiet, no one was around, it was just a quiet side street, this elaborate light show coming from this space-aid structure. 11-metre-high arches, there's six 11-metre-high arches

going down the street with all sorts of projectors. Hold on, hold on, how do you know they were 11-metre-high? I googled it. Ah, you googled it. It's called Brilliance. Is it called Brilliance? Yeah. Well, that's exactly what I called it. It's amazing. It was a marvellous moment. I was having my photo took with a

passing family. When you say family, initially it was one man and then the Waltons appeared with a Staffordshire Bull Terrier. I did have one. I actually held the dog's lead for the photo. It was like your autobiography. It wasn't the same Staffordshire Bull Terrier. That would have been a million to one shot

That was Bobo One of them was called Bobo I can't remember what the other one was called Anyway You were in the middle of saying it Often when people say anyway I think they're going to add something So yeah I had my photo

I took with the Staffordshire Bull Terrier And we're going on the pier today, aren't we? Are we going to go on the pier? Yeah, look out for the sooty plaque. Oh, I won't be bothering with that. I've got Madame Alcarty or whatever her name is. Madame Todd Carty? I look forward to that.

Hasn't she got to... Oh, no, that was... I think you recovered from that, didn't you? I've got rock to eat and I won't be going on the rides. I don't know if you boys will be, but I won't be. No, I don't like the rides. Don't you like it either? No.

Why don't you like it? I find them too frightening. Do you know why I don't like it? Because I just think if I want an adrenaline rush, I will just walk through Moss Side or something wearing a Rolex. No, but it's true. I don't get an adrenaline rush. If you want an adrenaline rush, you're going to Morrison's.

Yeah. And just get out right. Now, when I first, when I started going out with Laura, we went on the waltzes. You're not going to tell me that you've ever had an adrenaline rush. I'm going to get you one for Christmas.

We went on the waltzes, and I got terribly sick. I was green, and the man, you know, they. You went on the waltzes. And I got terribly sick. I was green. And the man, you know, they come over and spin them. I was going, get away from me! Get away! I'd like to have seen that. It's dreadful.

Also, can you imagine if something terrible happened? If I died, it would say, here lies Emily, who lost her life on the log flu. That's dignified. Yeah. That's dignified. Yeah. That's no monument, is it? No. It's like being discovered here by Harry Corbett.

Anyway, you should go and see Madame Patrula Lengo. Oh, I will. Apparently she did predictions for Morecambe and Wise. She's got the picture in the window with Morecambe spelled M-O-R-C-O-M-B. So one thing she didn't predict was spell check. Anyway, good day to you.