The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Dave Gorman

Episode Date: March 14, 2009

You might not be called Dave Gorman, but Dave Gorman is, and he was in to talk about 'Genius' inventions. Genius!

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

It's the professional Frank's Giver show on Absolute Radio. I'm here with Gareth and Emily, my friends, who are going to help me through the morning. Hello. And there's loads of... Don't say hello. Are you saying hello to me or to the listeners? To everyone.

That's good. I like that. It's like I'm the cricket when everyone... Yeah. And there's things I have to say. Like, if you want to text us, we're on 81215. Or you can email us. You have to go to the website on absoluteradio.co.uk

slash Frank Skinner. I've had my first email from Mark Smith, which excited me a lot because the lead singer of my favourite band is called Mark E. Smith. That's the four. But when I saw that this person, this Mark Smith, had spelt welcome with a double L, I thought it won't be him.

But thanks, Mark. And you begin dude as well, which makes me feel all young and trendy. He said, dude, it's great to have you here on the radio at Absolute. And have a ball, he says. No pun intended. Oh. Well, no, we don't get a pun either.

Why is there a pun there? Is there a pun? It'll be about... So did you see Comet Relief? I did. That's what everyone's talking about. At the water coolers in the empty offices all over Britain. This morning they were all doing it here. Yeah, I really did you see gareth uh no no i was i was working last night

i was a comedian i'm a comedian i had a gig right this is hard times for being a comedian where comic relief is on yeah comic relief kills live comedy yeah everyone was watching telly the gig was empty that's it they don't think about that no What they need is the Africans need to do some sort of thing to help the comedians that don't get any work when Comic Relief is on. A percentage should go, like, 40% goes to Britain, 6% to Africa, maybe at least a couple of percent for the comedians that are losing out that night because everyone's watching telly. I'm not sure about your percentages there.

I think we need to... Well, down Africa. Push Africa down a little bit. I still think Africa should get the lion shit. They have lions. They have lions, don't they, in Africa? I confidently think they do. Yeah, I don't mean the cake shop.

I mean the animals. Sorry, you were going to say... Yeah, no, I really liked it. I saw... I loved The Apprentice. I thought that was by far my favourite thing. But the wrong team won. Did you see that? You know, I've never seen The Apprentice. I thought that was by far my favourite thing. But the wrong team won. Did you see that?

You know, I've never seen The Apprentice before, so I don't know how different that was from The Apprentice. Well, it was wrong, because the boys created a much better toy. They had this really cool belt for kids. You know, the challenge was to create a kid's toy. And the girls created this weird Velcro suit for children to essentially cling to each other all the time. I thought that was good, though.

Did you? Yeah, because I thought that was good, though. Did you? Yeah, because I thought, you know, on school trips, you could just stick them into one big bowl and just roll them through stately homes or wherever they go on school trips. I guess good for teachers, not so great for kids who are quite fashion conscious and wouldn't want to wear some weird Tron suit. Or it's bad if you're the smelly kid. Like, at least with Pass the Parcel, you don't have to get too close to each other. If you're the smelly kid, at least we've passed the parcel you don't have to get too close to each other

if you're the smelly kid no one's going to want to velcro themselves to you remember pile-ups that's something I did as a kid when one kid lands on the floor and everyone piles up on top of it it would be that you'd be stuck like that until dinner ladies would have to come in at the end of lunch

and just tear each other apart rip each other off each other. Anyway, so I saw the... I'll tell you, there was one terrible bit on that, and that was when Alan Sugar started telling the boys that their mistake was that their tie would be so expensive to make. And he said, you're talking about 50,000 units, and it's going to be 8,250,000 for the plastic bearings.

And he said, you know how much money we're talking about here? And under a breath, he heard Carol Vorderman say 87 million. And I thought, oh, Carol is still doing mental arithmetic. It reminded me of when they said Stan Laurel, after Oliver Hardy died, Stan Laurel kept writing sketches for Laurel and Hardy, even though Oliver Hardy had died. And poor Carol can't stop doing mental arithmetic. I bet she hangs around dart boards. Oh, man.

But it was, I cried all night, basically. Oh. Partly because I was thinking about doing this show, but mainly the films were the sad, I mean, we can't talk about them this show, but mainly the films were the sad... I mean, we can't talk about them any longer, but they were so, so sad. I pledged everything I had and my house and everything. Well, imagine me at a comedy gig.

Like, you know, we went on as normal, but then the little African boy came in in the middle... Oh, you did it live? Yeah, we did it live, and it just doesn't work live. No. I don't think he really had five minutes of material. No. But they were with him

but it was just hard to go on after him hey you know they missed the big thing that i wanted to see cheryl and ashley televised row that's what they should have done what happened to the all week the paper's been saying what's gonna happen when cheryl cole meets ashley cole after he'd been night clubbing while she was up Kilimanjaro. Nightclub. It was like the Millennium Bog. It was going to be the biggest thing that ever happened. And then there's been no mention of it at all. I know.

I think they've resolved it in private, which I think is really selfish of them. Yeah, that would have been a great comic relief thing. You could bid to how much of the actual row you could watch on telly. Now, also, I don't know what Ashley did wrong. He basically, he went to a nightclub. What is the decorum if your girlfriend's up Kilimanjaro? The police got involved, didn't they? Why were the police involved?

Got in trouble with the police. You know the police, they're always hanging around nightclubs looking for trouble. What shall we do tonight, boys? Let's follow Ashley Cole around. He'll do something rowdy at some point and we'll be in the paper. Yeah, because the wife's awake. Cheryl will kill him.

It'll be hilarious. The wife's up the mountain. Do you ever watch that UK street crime, that Saturday TV show? I know, I haven't seen that. It's all about people eating each other in the street and police arresting people. It's fantastic. I mean, it's so scary but it's like, you can watch all the things

that if you saw them live in the street, you'd be terrified. But because they're on telly, you're safe. And I was watching that yesterday. And Eric Bristow was on. It was like there was a celebrity version of UK street crime. And some bloke said that Eric...

You know Eric Bristow is the darts player, the crafty cockney. And this bloke said, Eric Bristow has just threatened me. Really, with darts? Was he throwing darts at people? I don't know. What, 180? Eat that.

I think he just has to reach into the inside pocket and they think, oh no, the Tomlinson's coming out. Yeah, but it was great. On one of those shows to see a celebrity, I was so excited. I can't tell you. Absolute. I'll tell you what I did like. I like that there's a rumour now that Michael Jackson's press conference wasn't Michael Jackson. This is the most exciting thing I've heard.

Is that possible, do you think? Well, I don't know. He's quite a distinctive-looking fellow, isn't he? He's not someone who you mistake him in the street too much. Is that Michael Jackson? He's got one of those faces where everyone just looks like him. There's a few of them about, though. You could get an impression of him quite easily. And he does change quite often, doesn't he? He is amorphous in the face. And he disguises himself so heavily with masks and hats and glasses.

I mean, I could basically be a Michael Jackson impersonator, couldn't I? Yeah. In fact, shall we do the next show like that? All this Michael Jackson. Well, anyway, the This Is It tour, of course, which is, as we were saying earlier, what does that mean, the This Is It tour? Is he going to come on and is it sort of apologetic? I'm sorry, but this

is it nowadays. Doesn't really... I don't do the dancing anymore. This is all I've got. I mean, you know, I'm sorry. I had to sell my fairground. I need to be... I don't know if you've ever sold a fairground. It's the worst

possible time to sell a fairground. No one's buying fairgrounds. I couldn't afford any dancers. I'm sorry about that. I can hardly move myself nowadays. So, and I think we've put a CD in. Can you put in Thriller? Put in Thriller and I'll sing along to some tracks.

I mean, I'm already singing on it, so I won't need to do much. It'll be like this. It's called, the first four shows are called the This Is It Tour, and called the first four shows are called the this is it tour and and then the other 45 shows are called sorry refunds are available at the box office but michael turned up in a wheelchair at pajamas again and the crowd just weren't having it i was sure it was going to be called the no smoke without fire tour now they're rejected

they're too long too long too long and wordy. But I, to be honest, I'd like to see Michael because I've never, I kind of feel I missed out on the whole Michael Jackson phenomenon. Did you? I was so drunk at the time for all his big years.

You wouldn't have enjoyed it if you went. No. I don't mean just the gigs. I was too drunk even to hear him. I knew he was a big star, but I mean, I couldn't have enjoyed it if you went no you know i don't mean i just the gigs i was too drunk even to hear him i knew he was a big star but i mean i couldn't have identified the big singles or any of that i liked the jackson five before so i feel that i when people i made people like such big fans i mean mega people queued for like how many 27 years they are quite weird people i like i like i like obsessive people. I thought what didn't look real about that

video was the fans. You looked at the fans and they looked like there was 30 year old men who looked like they had jobs when that's not who you see screaming at Michael Jackson back in the day. So not only was it not Michael Jackson, it wasn't even Michael Jackson fans. Is it the O2 centre or is it

an inflatable? Is any of this real? It might not even be happening. It might have nothing to do with Michael Jackson. Anyway, if you want to go and see Michael Jackson, all the tickets are sold out. Yes, they're going to be.

I think he sold a million tickets. And 49 shows, what an odd number to do. But also, aren't they extending until 2010? So it's not going to be some big occasion going to Michael Jackson. Everyone's going to end up going. 49 shows, what an odd number to do. But also, aren't they extending until 2010? So it's not going to be some big occasion going to Michael Jackson. Everyone's going to end up going.

I don't know the last time Michael did a tour, but a tour is quite hard work. I mean, the last tour I did was 69 gigs over, like, three months. You kind of, by the end of it, you're kind of glad of the rest. Michael's going to do 49 consecutive nights. And I've got the feeling he's a man who could be blown over you know, he could get injured on Wrapping a Galaxy. And he said

I'm never going to do London again, this will be my last London show and I was like, what are you doing, Basingstoke next? How's he going to get around that, Hemel Hempstead? I thought he was never going to work again. No, he just said, he just said, I'm never going to do a show in London ever again. I take that as a slight...

I like that impression of Michael Jackson. It wasn't you, was it? Well, I've been asked not to say that, yes. Did he exclaim with joy when he found out the tickets had been... Well, it did say that... It said on Sky that something like he'd cried out with delight when they told him that all the tickets had sold out. Hee hee!

Ow! He's got a lot of cries he could have done. But you would, though, wouldn't you? You would be quite excited. I'd like to, I hope he sounded like a wounded animal. Well, he always does a bit. Meow! Is that what it's going to be like? All right, Michael.

Is that what it's going to be like? He's just going to be making... Oh, I hope it's good. Charles Bronson is going to come on and join him for smooth criminal. Absolute. We were just talking about the Charles Bronsononson movie which in case you don't know is is about this guy who's been in prison for 34 years is it yeah that's right basically because every time he's due to come out i think he hits somebody or i think that's basically what works

he keeps having rooftop protests and things so he has been let out i think twice but he he keeps offending yeah he keeps robbing things or trying to so was he called charles is that a coincidence he's called charles bronson no or no well he changed his name to be like the film star his name was um what was it was michael peterson i think yeah very good yeah god that's slightly scary that i know that i didn't know him and he changed it because i suppose he he wanted to be like a hard so if i wanted to be harder i could change my name to clint eastwood exactly and that would work and in fact they should have got charles bronson for that norwich union advert you know when you get like bruce willis saying would walter willis have been a big star and And then you have Charles Bronson saying,

would Michael Peterson have been in prison for 34 years? It would have been great. Although it sounds like he still felt like he had something to prove even after changing his name. Well, the mistake he made, in that film, there's the bit where Elle Macpherson, sorry, in that advert, Elle Macpherson, I think her name was something

like eleanor gale yeah and she said would eleanor gale have been known as the body which obviously she would have done anyway but she she chose depends whether she was found by the police she chose l mcpherson she didn't choose she didn, oh, I want to be thought of as a beautiful model, I'll call myself Linda Lusardi. And that's the mistake that Charles Bronson did. He chose somebody that was already a famous hard man. It's not like you can have a whole... I don't know what the collective noun for Charles Bronson's are,

but there must be one. Vergerous? No, he hasn't killed anyone. No, he hasn't killed anyone, and neither did the film star Charles Bronson. Let's make that absolutely clear in case his family are listening. It seems like a failure like a loophole in the legal system is that he clearly doesn't want to be in prison anymore

and they don't want him in prison because he just makes a nuisance of himself. But then the more nuisance he makes, the longer he has to stay in prison. So what are they going to do with him? Well, it's a tricky one. I think it's a vicious circle.

It's a vicious circle. You know, while he was in there, he's written a fitness guide, though. You are kidding. No, I'm not. It's called Solitary Fitness. I thought it was a DVD, and then I don't know

how that would have worked. But it shows you how to keep fit in confined spaces. Yeah, with the occasional outing on the route. It's not about hitting people. No. The hitting wardens.

Diet. And punch and pull back, and punch and pull back. Just keep going until they stop moving. And ram raid. Is it warden or is it warder? I don't know. One sounds more archaic than the other, I think. Is that like a Victorian name for a screw?

I've got an idea that the warden is the boss of the prison and the warder is the man with the keys. Because in J. Les Rock, Elvis says the warden threw a party at the county jail. And I don't know if the blokes with the keys would in JLS Rock Elvis says the warden threw a party at the county jail and I don't know if if the blokes with the keys would have the authority to organize some sort of soiree off their own bat and Charles wouldn't have been invited anyway because he would have been in

solitary do you know the other thing I love about Charles is that when he you know he started out as a hold on are you saying the things you know about the violent criminal, Charles Bronson? I am quite, yeah. Okay. I do quite like him. What's the other thing you love about him? Is that, you know, he started out as a bare-knuckle boxer in the East End. No, I didn't know that.

Yeah, you did. I'm not surprised. We haven't been out with him. I haven't either, yet. We don't write to him every week asking him to marry us like you do. Apparently, you know, he won all of his fights, I read. Right. Including his last one, which was with a Rottweiler.

It was so brilliant. With literally with a Rottweiler? Yeah, with a Rottweiler. That sounds cruel to me. I know. Yeah, so he's punching it. I don't know the details of the bout. Right. Right.

Yeah. Oh, OK. Well, that's put me off him. He seemed like a sort of musical character at one point, but never seen. Although there has been complaints about the film. One warden said that, you know, he shouldn't be glamorised. You know, you don't know what it's like being in prison with him. And he said there's people he's hit who have never worked again.

Who have never worked again? Yeah, he actually hit me about four years ago. And now money's just coming out of it. Luckily, he only winged me. But, I mean, I lost my contract with ITV just off the back of that. I was walking wounded for three years. If someone wants out of a job they don't like, just go out to Charles Watsononson and he'll punch you and you'll never have to work again.

I've seen the trailer. Have you seen the film? No, it was out on Friday, I think, wasn't it? I find trailers are enough. He was out on Friday. Can I just say, we think Charles Bronson's a very, very nice man. Absolute. We've got a guest, by the way. I think if you're a professional DJ,

you usually try it at the top of the show, but I forgot. Absolute. He's doing a new programme about inventions, which actually reminded me of that. The thing that we were talking about earlier was the fact that they had The Apprentice on Red Nose Day. And I did This Morning with Ruby Wax about three years ago. What? I thought you meant co-presenting. No, no, no, we were guests. And we were sitting in the waiting room. You know, it's like the doctor's waiting room kind of thing for this.

And she said, I've invented something. She said, it's a kind of a domestic thing, she said. But she said, I can't tell you what it is, but it's going to be an absolute. It's going to be like the biggest. It's the people I've been to about it have gone crazy about it. It's going to be an absolute it's going to be like the biggest is the people i've been to about it have gone crazy about me it's going to be an absolute smash right this essay was about three years ago now either she's held it back ruby or it passed by do you think it was like ruby wax a kind of household wax that's red that's red and you can use it for everything. Just any...

Well, if it was that, I haven't heard of it. I mean, maybe it was like the sat-nav, and we just didn't know it was really waxed behind it. We don't know, just she was quite about it. Do you remember there were those two guys from Big Brother who invented... It was a receptacle to put tea bags in. Oh, yeah.

And I just call that a bowl. Why... Or you just put this right in the bin. Yeah, or a bin. I've got a receptacle for tea bags. I wonder if it's the one I'll have to check the patent number and then Google them. I had a very odd thing.

I was quite close with my grandma and I can remember clearly... Did you use her as a receptacle for tea bags? Is that what you're going to say? She drank so much tea she did look like a tea bag. Did she really? She really did. Sorry to hear that. I've got a clear memory of that she showed me the blueprints for an invention that she'd made your grandma yeah she probably had to drawn up by

someone proper and what it was it was a clip that you put on like the accelerator of a car that your high heel fit into so that it didn't slip off because she reckoned it was a problem the slipping of the shoe i love that your grandmother wore high heels yeah well proper lady shoes i think lady shoes are different she was quite a saucy grandma yeah your grandmother isn't ruby wax is it no but the weird thing about it is is that no one else in my family ever heard about this right she only showed it no it was never made? No, it was never made. She only showed it to me. Oh, okay. She thought Gareth's the one to talk to about it.

Gareth's the one who can make this happen. It was only eight, and I don't know if it took off. You were eight? Yeah, I was really little. Oh, I don't think you should be showing blueprints to an eight-year-old of anything. That just feels wrong to me. And I never got to ask her about it again

after she died in that car crash. Not only that, that was a joke. The story's true. The story's true. I had this idea. I don't think it was safe, though, that thing. I think you should drive in flats. Oh, yeah, I'm so good at that.

I don't mean in flats as in, like, apartments. That wouldn't be safe. No, that's dangerous. But, yeah, I always, I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't, if any of our, I think you have to say when you're on the radio things like, if any of our readers are thinking of inventing something that could drive our heels and etc. It has to be passed by the proper safety boards if they want to do that. Is that right?

Yeah, don't try stuff. Anyway, there'll be more about inventions after this break. Absolute. about inventions after this break absolute so um yeah my invention was a bath plug with a chain that's only about eight inches long on it and then like a football on the end of that so the the bath could never overflow because when the water got to a certain height it would raise up the ball and pull the plug out i thought it was so you could play football in the bath well you could you could play football in the bath if you gave it anything like a decent kick all the water would run out it should be rubbish my dentist said to me he had an idea for um a door handle that you keep in your pocket like

a magnetic door handle and that all doors have got that metal panel on them and so you don't have door handles on doors you just get your door handle out your pocket and open it personal door handle but yeah that you always have good for hygiene yeah mainly for a hygiene thing who don't like touching things other people have touched yeah be a nightmare if you lost it though just be really annoying oh god you could be trapped in your house it could be a nightmare if you lost it, though. It'd just be really annoying. Oh, God, you could be trapped in your house. It could be a Charles Bronson thing. Well, he was a dentist, so I suppose hygiene would have been a big thing. Charles Bronson was a dentist. Oh, your friend was a dentist.

No, yeah, Charles Bronson's removed a few teeth at his time, but in a less conventional manner. Or is it more conventional? It's so hard to decide these things. So we were talking. We sit and chat. we don't just talk on air we're not that kind of we're actually friends and we were talking about suddenly it's what you call um what what's the phrase shouldn't but would shouldn't but would yeah is is is people who you

fancy you think probably you shouldn't but you feel a bit dirty afterwards yeah you've admitted it yeah like for me it's uh it's judith off eggheads that's so weird you know the woman who i'm not after her for her money i know she won the first ever millionaire is that judith keppel is it i think it might be yeah yeah but there's something about i i can see the ghost of her young beautiful self in her and i like i like the idea of that. Also, I like a post-coital quiz. Yeah, I mean, it'd be like going out with Google, wouldn't it? She just knows everything.

Yeah. You could Google her. Give her a good Googling, I'm sure. Who do you like, Em? You know who I like. I do do but i'm doing that professional i know i'm really embarrassed because it's just awful and everyone's gonna think i'm really weird but it's henry the eighth yeah i'm really sorry he was a ladies man i think yeah we can i don't think we can argue with that no it's just i think maybe it's the kind of alpha male thing i don't

really know what it is but i used to have one of those kings and queens posters when i was a child yeah a little shrine i had him and a doll of him i had all right yeah no it's proper crush a small doll yeah not an inflatable henry the eighth doll that would have been a that would have been a scary thing i know it is interesting because i'd have thought in thought, I think of you as quite a sort of modern woman, you know, feminist. And in a way, he was something of a misogynist, wasn't he? He was a bit. And then he had women beheaded when he wanted to get rid of them. It's something that I think probably says a lot about my attitude

towards relationships, my crush on him. Yeah, that's typical women going for a bad man you've seen what happened to his other wives and you think oh i want a bit of that yeah but i'll change him some people think it's bad to end a relationship with a text but beheading absolute there you go cold play so see the people who are emailing in saying where's our normal music there you go coldplay doesn't get any more straight than that does he um you'll get used to me don't worry it's like a new relationship speaking of which um i mentioned ending a relationship um by text at the end of

that last bit and um i did let let it slip that i have done that and Emily was quite appalled it's not acceptable it's totally unacceptable I think especially if there's a spelling mistake in the text well that's really bad if you get goodbye wrong it's over

you're going to hate me even more for this because I wanted to and I'll change the name to protect the, well, not that innocent, but I ended one not only with a text, but it was a kind of a parody of a game show. Well, it kind of said, I'll make a call, Susan. It kind of said, so, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to have to say goodbye to Susan. She's been a great contestant, um that's the end of the road but she does leave with and then i listed all the gifts that i bought her during our relationship it was about four pages of text like you are the weakest link goodbye well i don't think that was out then. Otherwise, that would save me a lot of text.

Facebook's pretty low as well. To suddenly change your status to single. That's what the kids do now. Is that what they do? Is that how you find out? That's how you find out. Kerry Katona did that, I believe, this morning. Not that she's a friend of mine, but I read that in the paper, yeah.

She doesn't hang around, Kerry. She dumped a bloke on Facebook. I'm not sure who dumped who, but yeah. Do you just change your status? Yeah. You just have a status update one day that says, Carrie Katona is no longer in a relationship. Yeah.

And Mark got in touch and said, Carrie, what's this? Yeah, exactly. That's the idea. I mean, it depends also, like, whether it's okay to dump someone by text if the whole relationship has been by text. Well, I think then. Also, like, whether it's okay to dump someone by text if the whole relationship has been by text. Well, I think then, I think if the whole relationship's been by text and one day you turn up at their house and they say, who are you?

It's too much. And they say, you're the text guy. Well, I'm here, but I'm ending the relationship. But I didn't want to do it by text. That would be absolutely... Email, how's that? Is that all right? Twitter?

No, it's still pretty cowardly twitter pigeon you'd have to fit the reasons into 140 characters if you did it on twitter would yeah which wouldn't always be easy no i mean how many characters it wasn't me it was wasn't you it was me oh i don't know there's often been several characters involved in these in these splits it's interesting though is it because obviously splitting with someone is not a pleasant thing splits it's interesting though is it because obviously splitting with someone is not a pleasant thing anyway it's either that there's ways when it's it's supposed to be a bit i mean it's not going to be any less painful to be text than it is to be told face to face that's not going to help them in any way see i just think it feels like

yeah you haven't been stitched up quite so much i think it just feels like a more dignified way to leave things i always think that on the hundreds of times i've been dumped i always personally that's my preference face to face well that's good if anyone's thinking of going out with emily good to know that that is her dumping of choice maybe people should have that on their Facebook thing. In a relationship, brackets, dumping of choice, email. Short, but... Postcard, I'm for postcards. Postcards, no. The thing is, you can never be sure, could you?

I'm not fanging off the postal service. But at least you've made an effort, that's what postal... Also, what would be on the picture on the postcard? Well, it would depend on how the relationship went. You could have a range. An animal picture would be a negative message. Well, I don't know. It's all about what's coming next.

Anyway, I'm not suggesting... If you are thinking of dumping your loved one today, don't do it by text. That's the message I'm receiving. Absolute. I'm Frank Skinner If you are thinking of dumping your loved one today, don't do it by text. That's the message I'm receiving. Absolute. I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Gareth. I'm with Emily.

But now I'm also with Dave Gorman. Dave, welcome. Good morning. A lot of radio shows, the people cheer and whoop at least the posses, but we haven't really worked out a proper welcome. No, Steve Wright pretends to be his own posse. Yeah.

He does that off-air, he does that himself. Hey, don't go on and on, and it's Steve Wright, it's himself in the microphone, and you have to pretend there's other people there. Well, I'll tell you what I do, whenever I do radio shows, and they do, so Frank Gillis is here, and I join in completely. But I mean, I really whoop.

I stand. But I think you underestimate how people can perceive a Birmingham accent in a whoop. Oh, no. I think there's people out there going, that's him. Oh, no. I am disgraced. We were just talking about dumping people. Actually, I haven't done this yet, but if anyone would like to text or email or phone in and tell us a terrible or funny way you've dumped or been dumped.

Or anyone would like to call in and dump their partner. Yeah, I'd rather my girlfriend didn't find it a dump. I don't know. How would that be, etiquette-wise, being dumped live on air? I think it's quite a good idea. You know how people get married at football grounds and stuff? If they had dumpings as well. Oh, no.

But isn't that, that's always the worst way to propose as well when people do that big public thing. Because if you just put the pressure on someone in a horrible way, they have to say yes. They do have to say yes. I can't think of an example of anyone saying no at any football. I've seen about three at football grounds. And the fans always chant, you don't know what you're doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to say yes. There was a thing, I was doing a show in Sydney at the Opera House. It sounds very grand, but it was a very small room in the Opera House in Sydney. And I had an email from an English guy who said, oh, my girlfriend's been travelling the world, and I've come to meet her in Sydney, and we're both big fans of you, and I've bought tickets, she doesn't know you're in Sydney, and we're going to come to you, and would you propose to her on my behalf? And I thought, oh God, he's an idiot, but I will do. he's an idiot but i will do and you can see uh i hope he isn't listening because he's a very nice bloke but you can see him thinking well she's gone off around the world and i'm scared of losing her now because she's got broader horizons and her world is different and now she's back i'm desperate

to keep her i'm educating rita yeah and and and so i did say oh there's this guy and and and you've got something to add and he asked her to marry him and the audience cheered because she said yes and then after the show myself and the people i was working with would all go out and have a glass of wine on the on the harbour and and we could see them about 100 yards away and you could just see the body language was i've said yes but in a day or two we're gonna have a bit of a conversation oh no and i have been in touch and i do know that they haven't got married and stuff it's just you could just see it happening but she had to say yes because she you know she doesn't hate him and there's 300 400 people all in a room all staring and she's got to say i like the way you got in touch that you thought if this is going to be an anecdote i'm going to be using i think i i need an ending

oh no i'll be honest with you i didn't pursue it i didn't get into it and say hey what happened he sent me an email about something else a year or two later and i recognized the names it was quite a peculiar name and i got in touch with oh how, how's the, how did the marriage go? Sort of, and he wrote that down. We never actually got married. It already sounded negative, didn't it? How did the marriage go? It already sounds a bit past tense. Yeah, maybe that is what I said. But yeah, it was awful. It's just embarrassing. My argument is that she should have said no on the night. I think so.

Do you remember when, I think, was it Michael uh who thought he'd won a lifetime achievement award at some i mean what and that's how that guy must have felt he must have thought he'd won the lifetime there was there was a actually the same time in australia there's an australian tv show which was it was absolutely awful because the show was, it was like a live thing, and they would basically ambush a bloke, and they would say, okay, your partner's got something to tell you, and then over half an hour, a guy would sit in a room, and he'd see videos from his girlfriend, basically saying, come on, Bruce, we've been together now for 18 years, you know we're great together, we've got kids, I just want to tie the knot, and they'd have this whole sort of, all these videos like that, and then they'd have his

mates going, be careful, Bruce, you know, and at the end of it, I just want to tie the knot. And they'd have this whole sort of, all these videos like that, and then they'd have his mates going, be careful, Bruce, you know. And at the end of it, he'd have to make a decision about whether he was going to marry her, and there was a priest there, and their families were there, and the wedding happened live on TV. So, actually, they forced some people into saying no, because you can't do the kind, public yes, and then get out of it nicely.

Wow, I'm amazed that hasn't come. That's like the DNA test on Jeremy Kyle. I know, absolutely. They're fantastic. I must admit, I am on the edge of my seat. They're the best teasers after. I would love to be able to say, and after this break,

we're going to find out if George is the father. Absolute. That's MGMT with kids. I really like that. I'm just pointing that out. I don't know where... I'll get out of that habit. But anyway, I'm Frank like that. I'm just pointing that out. I don't know where... I'll get out of that habit. But anyway, I'm Frank Skinner.

I'm on Absolute Radio, Saturdays from 8 till 10am, and I'm with my friends Emily and Gareth and my special guest, Dave Gorman. Hello. We've just been told that we're on webcam, and I'd like to point out to everyone that suddenly, Emily has lip gloss on.

Well done, yeah. I might have done a bit of touching up. Easy. It's a bit late now. We're an hour and a half into the show. By now they know. Yeah, I know. It's damage control, isn't it?

No, it does. It gets me as it's brought out your whole... There you go. And it's for our guest, our lovely guest as well. No, it's not. It's for the webcam. Okay, yeah.

Don't pretend. Now, you've got a new show starting this week, Dave, on 10 o'clock on BBC Two on Friday, the 20th of March, called Genius. Now, a lot of people Correct so far. Brilliant. Good. What's it about? It is about members of the public coming up. It's sort of like Dragon's Den with its tongue in its cheek. Members of the public come along with their genius ideas. We have a guest in the studio who is a genius. On the second show, it's a man called Frank Skinner. And people, they pitch their idea to the guests,

and we sort of stress test them, talk about them, take them apart and put them back together again and see whether or not they are actually geniuses. Who's on the first show? Catherine Tate. You see, I always think they put the biggest star on the first show. If ever I do a series, I always think, if I'm not on the first show, I always think, well, just forget it.

And I'll take that as a slap in the face. Yeah. If Celebrity Squares were still on, you'd demand the centre square. Oh, I'd want the centre square, definitely. You wouldn't be happy without it. They always did that. Even on American Celebrity Squares, the funniest guy was in the middle. I always liked it when Little and Large had to share a square.

Yeah, like Ray Allen and Lord Charles. Yeah, that's cramped. Did he sit on his knee? They just looked really sort of cramped in the little squares. I saw the Hollywood Squares one, which was the American version, and they used to have, like, a very camp... I don't think people were out out out gay on telly then but they said to him the question was do chimpanzees kiss and he said yes very well

so what kind of uh inventions because they're quite a clever crowd aren't they your lot uh they are although i think um some some of this is sort of clever stupid at the same time. So on the first show with Catherine, there's a guaranteed way of winning an Olympic gold medal, which is you have a pair of shoes which are 100 metres tall and you enter the 100 metres and when the gun goes, you fall over.

And it sort of logically it makes sense. You do cross the line first, but you do die because you are falling 100 metres onto a shale running track. So it's sort of, like, logically it still sort of hangs together, but you can't deny it's actually a bit stupid. No, when I did the show, though, I was amazed at the inventiveness of people. I mean, it was really, it was very enjoyable to do

because people do come up with stuff which, some of it, and you say it's stupid, but it's a bit like when you start reading those innovations catalogues. start laughing and then you think actually i wouldn't mind one of those a dog bib what i love about the show and and i think you took back this of having done it is even though the ideas are kind of stupid or whatever the punters are bringing the idea they're in on the joke so they know what's going on and it doesn't matter whether they're not genius or genius no one's it's not like the x factor where we spend the you know mocking the people who can't sing the fact that they're not genius doesn't matter whether they're not genius or genius. No one's... It's not like the X Factor where we spend the... You know, we're mocking the people who can't sing.

The fact that they're not genius doesn't matter. They brought some comedy to the table, actually, and everyone kind of gets that side of it. So they're completely in on it. And I think the guests, I think you probably do enjoy it because so many shows are sort of six people competing for 28 minutes. And, like, you've got one guest, and so you can sort of sit back and relax and enjoy yourself...

Yeah. ..instead of having that kind of must-get- no it was very enjoyable has there ever been one because it used to be a radio show before has there ever been an invention where you actually thought you know maybe just maybe this could really be an invention there's actually there's yeah there's um we had mobile phones with breathalyzers built in on the radio um the idea being that it would stop you from making a phone call if you were too drunk, so you couldn't call your ex and you couldn't call your boss when you were drunk. I love that. Exactly, and that does make sense.

Yeah, that's brilliant. I think you should have cash points with breathalysers, and if you're too drunk, it won't give you cash anymore, it will only give you a printed taxi voucher with your home address. So it's time to go home now. And maybe everyone under a certain age should have fillings in their teeth with breathalysers so you wouldn't snog anyone when you were drunk as well.

I wouldn't have snogged anyone until I was 27 if that was the case. I'm not sure that's a good idea. Absolute. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with my friends Emily and Gareth. I like calling them my friends. It sounds like I've just bought a bid for company. And Dave Gorman is our special guest.

Which makes me feel like I'm not a friend. Well, you are a friend as well. Enemy of the show, Dave Gorman is here. My arch enemy. I'm here with my friends and also him. So, we met at last, Dave. Previous to have been enemies by text. We were just talking about your show, Dave,

which is about inventions and it's called Genius and starts this Friday night at 10 o'clock on BBC Two. And I know from being on it myself, a very funny programme. Actually, can I just confess something there? Go on. I was just going to talk about how the sat-nav has changed my life as an invention. And I was just trying to work out whether it was in the 21st century. And I looked at the clock as if it would be on the clock somewhere, what century it was.

Did I have that? Maybe that's what they should... That is an invention. The year hand on a watch. Do they have that? Maybe that's what they should... That is an invention. The year hand on a watch. The century hand. You can have a century hand for a decade. The watch would be a great cluster of differently moving hands.

Oh, God. Have we had any emails at all, apart from saying, why aren't you playing U2 you too well we've had a very helpful one from well i think it's helpful from dean woodcock who sounds who sounds says my who sounds like an 18th century clergyman he says he says mike's sound top i'm sure it's the news you've been waiting for all morning but it's true dean the mic processing chap and i'm not sure whether he means mike's sound top? I'm sure it's the news you've been waiting for all morning, but it's true. Dean the mic processing chap. And I'm not sure whether he means Mike's sound top, as in good, or Mike's sound toppy,

as in a bit too trebly. A bit like that. So is Dean the guy who came in the other day and fixed the mic for us? I don't know if he is our sound engineer and he's communicating us by email. There's a lady over there nodding, saying, yeah, you think he might have just given us a thumbs up

through the window rather than email? It's an awesome direct line for staff. They actually have to sit at home and send an email like everyone else. If it was in my contract, I wouldn't talk to any staff directly. They have to email. Dean's the guy who set the microphones, so he's basically complimenting himself. Yes.

He's also, what Dean sat in bed thinking, it would be nice to say something positive about this nightmare. The mic's a tot. Absolute. We move towards the end of the show

and the producers just tell me we don't have a guest for next week. Can you believe it? You know, who's calling Christian in here? It's who's calling in on Frank.

Any celebrity will drop in next week at all. Isla Sinclair I'll be happy with. And we have to guess who it is. It might be tricky. Let's hope it's not Charles Bronson. It's making me feel very good. You're going to be back next week. So, Dave, you're on tour soon.

Yeah, in the autumn. A little while, but yeah. But you're doing it on a next week. So, Dave, you're on tour soon. Yeah, in the autumn. A little while, but yeah. But you're doing it on a bicycle. I am, yeah. I'm doing... It didn't start off as an idea for a tour. It started off as an idea for a bike ride. I wanted to do a big bike ride,

so I'm going to go from the southernmost point of the mainland of Britain to the easternmost point, to the westernmost point, to the northernmost point, but I'm going to do a gig every night. So it's like 1,500 miles across Britain, by bike, with 30-odd nights of stand-up shows.

Will you be doing a gig every night? Yeah. Well, that's absolutely... I know. I've got really scared of it recently. It was funny when I was just talking to my friends about it, and now there's a press release, and people like you yourself know about it, and I'm talking about it on things.

I've said it's real, and I'm really scared. I don't know what I'm doing. There's something brilliant about it. Well, it is a on things i've said it's real and i'm really scared i don't know what i'm doing there's something brilliant about it is brilliant idea but you i mean at the end of it if only michael jackson had taken a leaf out of your book wouldn't it be great seeing him go past on a mountain bike that would be lovely but see he's got the opposite way he's done a morning something about et about that image isn't there but michael jackson on a bike there. Michael Jackson on a bike. There is, there is.

Hold on. But what about, will there be a tour manager or anything like that? The details are still to be found out. I guess there is. But I'm going to end up like David Cameron, where I'm going to be turning up at a venue and then somebody else in a van is going to be turning up with stuff. Exactly. I mean, you travel light if you're a stand-up comedian.

But even so. I think I'm going to make it so the rider for the show means that the, no pun intended with the cycling, but the venues have to provide a clean pair of underpants and a T-shirt or something, so that I don't have to do lots of laundry along the way. I'll just start abandoning clothes and picking up new clothes. And maybe a masseuse. Yeah. It is going to be...

Much respect for that. Bless you. So Dave's new series, Genius, starts 10 o'clock BBC Two on Friday. That's the first show, Don, would you believe it? And I actually enjoyed it in a strange ramshackle kind of a way. This is Capital K, can't lie down. See you next week.