The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: David Baddiel

Episode Date: April 3, 2010

David Baddiel joins Frank, Emily & Gareth to talk about his new film The Infidel.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Um, this is Frank Skinner onute Radio, with Emily and Gareth. That's the morning!

It doesn't get any better than that. And here we are in Absolute, the home of the Easter no-repeat guarantee, which is the same as our normal no-repeat guarantee, except it's made of chocolate. It's a good job Jesus Christ didn't have an Easter no-repeat guarantee, or there would have been no resurrection, and we'd all have to work on Monday. None of these songs will rise again.

Yes. Over these three days. It's a pity because I know the other DJs here were absolutely desperate to play nothing by the egg and I've beaten them to it. Oh, so. Oh, I nearly said the yolks on them, thank God. Oh, I'm so glad you didn't. God, I held back from that. I mean, people can switch stuff immediately.

You've got to have standards in this business. I know he doesn't, but... OK, so... This is... I keep introducing myself like some strange robot who's gone, Mrs. Frank's getting absolutely worried. She's going, yes, people at home are going, yes! We've worked that out! Say something funny!

I hate it when people say that. So we were in, we went off to Blackpool last week. Those of you who listen to the show regularly, I think there are what, is it seven? Did we work out?

Yeah, about that. They, I've got an Easter bonnet by the way. Easter bonnet? Easter bonnet. Oh, I've got one. Listen.

All together now. Oh, I've taken mine off and I'm wearing it as a bracelet. Oh, OK. Daisy, who is the... What is she again? The associate... Assistant. I don't know if it's assistant or associate producer.

Bought us all a chocolate rabbit. Isn't that nice? Does this bell mean it's got leprosy? Yes. Is that what the bell's for? No, I don't think it's got leprosy. I think it's collecting plague victims.y. Yes. No, I don't think it's got leprosy. I think it's collecting plague victims.

This is a lovely Easter message. You can imagine the Easter Bunny going, bring out your dead. Anyway, from plague to Blackpool. Yeah.

A novel by Beryl Bedford. Yeah, so, we were at the George Formby convention. George Formby, in case you don't know, was a Lancashire comedian from the 30s and 40s who sang things like, In me granddad's flannelette nightshirt.

Sport the similarity, listeners. And, oh, I had such a good time. Oh, I loved the Blackpoolians. We had a great time. There was a thing at the George... Because the thing about George Formby fans, they don't just turn up and talk about George Formby and watch films and all that, which they do do.

But because George Formby played a ukulele, they all play ukuleles. And that's what I love about it. It's the interactive nature, the red-bottom nature. Everyone does a turn. Yeah. There's a lot of ukuleles. Oh, man, it was a ukulele fest.

Almost literally. I actually bought an old Gibson. How much did it cost, Frank? £950! Yeah, that was a bit rash, I know. I was disappointed, though, because they'd said, oh, the George Former ukulele shop is just down here.

It was in a hotel, we should say, the convention, and they had an impromptu shop so i got very excited because i like any opportunity to be sort of consumerist i thought great i'll buy like a nice mug tree or a souvenir sort of sweatshirt and we walked into the room and there was basically 12 old men with pints around some ukuleles discussing them. That's not a shop. No, not strictly speaking a shop but it worked for me because I did buy a ukulele. You did? They did have a stall and on the stall

there was a square of material, like slightly rough Hessian material for sale. It says one pound. I said, what is that? He said, well you know when you're playing a ukulele but you're wearing a shiny shirt and it keeps it keeps slipping off your chest he says you just put that material against your chest and it can get a bit of purchase yeah i just velcro i fit myself

with a bit of velcro yeah on the back of the uke straight on just stays there what i've done is i've i've welded about 40 fish hooks into the back of my ukulele and I just put it straight into the flesh. Can I just say... This is a Roman Catholic ukulele playing with his face. Can you just say what? Don't say anything you've already said.

Don't forget the Easter note. Before you start snapping at me, I was about to say something very nice about you. Go on then. I was going to say Gareth and I go on there i was gonna say gareth and i actually felt very proud of you because you stood up there didn't you and you did two numbers i did do two numbers i think it was seven and 41 i think it was from the george formby hymn book no i did i i got up and um i had to perform and it's a very tough time to perform because they watch every note.

They have memorised George Formby's solos, I mean, note by note, so they're really looking out for it. But, yeah, it was really absolutely splendid. I sat in breakfast the next morning after, or you'd gone. I don't know who'd left it on the chair. I sat by the window on my own, and I watched all these different types of people arriving with ukuleles it was like it was it was like being a part a wizard you thought there were different types of people there well there were several different types but it really made me so happy i

i sang like a bird i like the young people there were young people there yeah i think we'll move on if you're not like that they were just like they were like celebrities weren't they because there were two main young people and they and people thought they were kings keep talking it's gonna be all right i'm glad you're not news reporter two main young people yeah and people thought they were kings okay so there you are is this a is it a count of the nativity? Anyway, it's come very religious this morning. If you want to text us about anything at all, we're on 8-12-15. I say 8-12-15.

Let me hear you say 8-12-15. I'm talking about 8-12-15. Take it to the bridge, 8-12-15. There's the no-repeat guarantee shot through the ceiling. I think it's pulp time. There's the no repeat guarantee shot through the ceiling. I think it's pulp time. Absolute Radio.

That was Pulp, Common People. My theme song. Yeah, in many ways, yeah. Do you know what he once said? That Three Lions was one of the worst songs ever made. Did he really? It's a pity because I think Common People is an absolutely brilliant song. I'd love to come back to it for town. It's very big of you.

Yeah, exactly. I've just got two words for Jarvis Cocker. Try shampoo. Sorry, Gareth. They were on a lot of drugs around then. I don't know if you can say it. I don't know if you can say it. They said they were on a lot of drugs around then. I don't know if you can say that. I don't know if you can say that. They all said they were on a lot of drugs on documentaries.

Let's not get deeper into it. I can't believe anything they say. They're all on drugs. Oh, no, sorry, now I'm in it. I've gone into the same mess with your libelous... Just because that bloke Simon Singh won the libel case doesn't mean we can say anything we like about people. It's not free-for-all, love.

You're crazy. I remember when he was just Simon Says. And then he got musical. Anyway, there's a bit of So yeah, we were talking Just to finish off the talk of the George Formby conference There's a thing called the thrash At the George Formby Conception

Ukulele transmitted disease You're alright if you wear that bit of cloth on your shiny shirt. If you're going to go unsafe, you're asking for it. Oh God. So, I'm not doing the G-string joke. No, don't. Jeff, cut the G-string joke.

No, don't cut the... So, what happens is they start, they say, okay, it's The Thrash, and everyone in the room with a ukulele, and that's like about 150 people, all get up on stage and they all play four shortened versions of George Formby's songs. And I looked around me, and I'm just surrounded by these smiling banjo players,

these ukulele players, sorry. And it made me think that, in fact, we're all one unified whole, really. I know we're split into separate individuals, but we've all got that same flickering light inside us. A ukulele. In some ways, it can be manifested as a ukulele, but it can also be just love. So you had a tweet, didn't you?

Well, on the way back from Blackpool, I was sitting at the train station. I don't think you can actually get a tweet in Blackpool. I did. I managed to get email and everything. I was with Emily. I think in Blackpool it manifests itself as a fax. That's as modern as it's going to go. I got a telegram. It was actually sent as a text

by the time it reached Blackpool it was brought by a man in a uniform was it a bellboy man? it was, yeah, a bellboy man I like Blackpool as well because you can have fish and chips at 11.30am without judgement which is what we did except I sported by ordering herbal tea

I can't believe you ordered herbal tea and Harry Rams in the chippy herbal what? Anyway, so my tweet, Ross Noble popped into my tweet box. Ross Noble, the famous comedian. Yes, exactly. You too.

Ross Noble popped into my tweet. And I'm a massive fan of Ross Noble. And he's a friend of the show as well. He's come on the show. He certainly is. Friend of the show. So imagine my delight. Hold on.

OK, I've imagined it. It's been imagined. It's Turkish. To read this from Ross Noble. Hi, Emily. Hope you're well. Loving the podcasts. He's loving the podcasts.

He listens to our show. He's in Australia, isn't he? Listening as I tour Oz. Oh, lovely. Then he had an instruction, Ross Noble did. He said, check out this clip from Terminator. And I think he meant the Terminator TV series it was from. No, Terminator's held together by paperclips.

That works. So this is the clip that Ross Noble sent us. I presume you all know Ross Noble, the famous comedian. He sent us this clip. Are you ready? Don't let me get all A.E. Hausman on you. It was a reference. A reference to A.E. Hausman.

Oh, no, we need to reset the system. In the turban, I think. Oh, Ross Noble set off the alarm, the A.E. Houseman alarm. But it's unbelievable, that, isn't it? Yeah. Good old... Well, when you listen to this podcast, Ross, we love you so much for sending that.

And it made us happy. And, um, mind that bandicoot. Something I was... I was once driving around Australia with a girlfriend I actually had opportunity to say at one point mind that bandicoot because there was one crossing the road it's an animal don't look at me like that it's an animal

absolute there's adverts on the telly for Halifax now they've retired Howard you know Howard the the black bloke with the glasses on. Oh, yeah. He seems to have gone. But they do it like as if it's a radio station.

And it's actually people by the real staff of Halifax. And it's unnervingly like this show when I watch it. Sorry, it's a regular ad for it on, I think, Sky News. Here you go. Keeping you up to date here on Absolute Radio. I don't know what to keep you up to date with. Anyway, guess what? What? I've been

asked to do, asked to be a guest on Desert Island Discs. You have not. Oh, great. You have not. Seriously. Seagulls. They sound more like poppies. Can I just say, that is a really nice, serious show.

It is. Yeah, and it's Kirsty Young, isn't it? Is he? Yeah, she's the presenter. I was anticipating Roy Plum. What happened to him? Was he fired? I'm worried about you.

What are you going to play? You're going to be like, the childless man, Victorian. It's going to be like The Four and all these nannas are going to switch up. I will definitely play The Four.

Are you? I think now nannas are sort of growing into that age. Oh, maybe. You know, whereas nannas used to talk about World War II, they now talk about

the day of Clark V. You know, they're catching up slowly. No one remembers World War II anymore. If you remember World War II, this is this week's call in. What happened? I can't remember who won. We could Google it, I suppose.

So you're looking forward to it? Yeah, it's exciting. I mean, you know, you pick your eight records. So I'll have the fall, obviously, and I'll have craft work. People who were seminal things in my life. George Formby. We don't want to give all the choices away, though.

No, no, I don't. Oh, God, I don't want to give the choices away. But I'll tell you what, it's the luxury item that's the tricky thing. Oh, yeah, you're allowed one, are you? You can take a book and a luxury item. Obviously, you get the Bible and the complete works of Shakespeare. That would be useful for jamie redknapp and people like that yeah that's a shakespeare or also if if you're on a desert island with a door that won't stay open yeah then it's good to have a couple of two people i actually um i'd be very happy to uh read the complete works shakespeare

and the bible speaking for myself but i know it's not everyone's cup of tea. So I get to take another book. Yeah. My favourite ever was when Keith Waterhouse, the journalist, was on, and he said, I'd like something that really reminded me of England, something quintessentially English. Can I have a year's leather-bound copies of The Exchange and Marth? So that was a great choice.

I speak as a man who once did a voiceover for Exchange and Mart advert. All together now? Don't know where to start. Exchange and Mart. Yeah. And when George, I think George Bernard Shaw was one of the first people on it.

What, on the Exchange and Mart advert? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he had some plays he was trying to get rid of in exchange for a Vauxhall Viva. He was trying to let it get down. Yeah, he needed one where the speedo was slightly to the left so it wasn't obscured by his enormous beard. They make them, but there was only about four in Ireland where he lived.

So, yeah, he went to the Mart. Anyway, what was I talking about oh yeah he yeah his book was the beginner's guide to boat building that's clever clever he could have used the beard as a raft he's given that some thought yes he could i imagine he'd trail the beard into the off the shore and collect plankton on which he could live. That's what I'm guessing. I've been wrong before. So I thought we could ask the listeners, our beloved listeners, to say what should my luxury item be.

You can chuck the book in as well if you like. Sam decided on a book here. I'm thinking of something obviously... Well, no, I can't say that. Do you have to have a book? I would want... Oh. Yeah. I would want, like, a box set or something.

You know, I don't often reread books. No, it's a book, though. There are books... You could have, like, a reference book or something like that, you know. What for? Like, for an encyclopedia for things on the beach? Maybe identifying fruit. Hang on, does the other luxury item have to be a book?

Can't it just be anything? No, you have a luxury item, which is anything, and then you can have a book of your own choice. Oh, OK. Do you never listen to Desert Island? Though you'll be go-go. We've already had some texting on. I'm asking what my luxury item and or book should be

on Desert Island Discs, which I'm recording soon. Well, Kay said he liked i think he's referring to that song morning frank reminds me of the beach boys yeah it's got an element of beach boys messing around on their own and saying i don't know this is this is a bit ragged let's do some proper stuff with nine million mixed harmonies on but yeah so suggestions for the desert island kev has said how about a loom and a copy of the Oorawoolie annual? Well there's two things I like about that. I love the idea of saying that.

And Kirsty's saying what would your luxury item be? A loom, please. I say a loom. And I also like the fact that you can't say Oorawoolie. So you say Oor, Oor, Oor. Yeah, Oorwoolie is like a I've never really read much ooh willy

it's a Laura's into that ooh willy sounds like something you could catch from paying for sex I don't really know what it is I've got a bit of ooh I've got a bit of ooh willy

um oh is it like a comic strip thing yeah it's it's made by the people who make the beano and that but it's Scottish so it's

it's enormous I'm sorry I don't read that yes a beano thing in Scotland. Exactly. Well, so any Scottish listeners, they'll have grown up on Urwili. Okay. Almost certainly.

And, of course, whiskey. Someone suggested you take me as your luxury item. Frank, why not take Emily as your luxury item as she seems luxurious? Oh, thank you. A lot of maintenance to do, though. Yeah, there is. I don't know if I've got the tools. He does say, although you probably end up being her man Friday.

Well, exactly. Well, yeah, there is that. I can imagine me one day doing your nail varnish on your toes and thinking, how did this happen? How did this happen? I thought we were supposed to be a team on this desert island. Those seagulls, they're just not right yeah any of any other texts on this jay and kent um says um book ss survival guide luxury item girls allowed i know i don't know if you could have human beings as a luxury item and also

wouldn't they squabble? Yeah. Although I do like the idea of coming out of my little hide in the morning, you know, just brushing the sand to one side as I come out on my knees. And I've just got, like, jeans ripped very raggedly at the thigh. The way jeans seem to go when people are shipwrecked on a desert island. Yeah, they're always perfectly ripped. And just, look, they'd still be sleeping.

I don't imagine they'd get up much before lunchtime, the girls, the loud girls. But imagine there'd be a little washing line with small sunny blowing... And maybe their hair pieces as well hanging on there. There'd be hair pieces on their small.

Well, I don't have that kind of eyesight. But I think that would be a lovely thing. I mean, I think they'd be great company. Oh, no, they wouldn't. They'd be shrieking. It'd be like that Boots Here Come the Girls advert. It'd be awful. Oh, no, I've got nothing to eat. What'll we do on the beach?

Where's Ashley? Oh, no, I don't like him anymore. Is that Cheryl Cole? No, I think it's a cartoon character from... Someone who used to work with Ockleberry Hounds. That's how Cheryl Cole speaks. Is that how she speaks? Yes.

I presume that her throat has been hit against the side of the raft in a freak wave as we came ashore. I've got quite a lot of debris in my mouth. Yeah. Is it flotsam or jetsam, Cheryl? A little bit of both, I think. Oh, God. This is going to affect her singing career.

Not that much. But a little bit. I would like to take this opportunity to read out an email we got in the week, actually, Frank, from one of our podcast listeners. I'm supposed to get to adverts now, is it a quick one? Well, what do you want to do? I'll do a quick one. It's from Chris Weyand in New Zealand.

I might as well get into that catchphrase before I'm shipwrecked on a desert island where girls are allowed. Just do a quick one. Before the others come. Okay, Frank. Oh, not you. You freak me out.

Send the ginger one. It's Tuesday, isn't it? Didn't I say there should be a rota? Now I'm doing the voice. Let's have some adverts. We'll come to this later. My ears are bleeding. Is that all right? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Gareth, I've never seen you play a guitar before. That was Walk This Way. I quite fancied you when you did that. Really? Yeah. Wow. You fancied Gareth? Yeah. That was Walk This Way. I quite fancied you when you did that. Really? Yeah. Wow. You fancied Gareth?

Yeah. That's going to really complicate things. We've only been to Desert Island for ten minutes and already this has started. I should say to Laura, it was only for nine seconds. No offence. And then it went. I thought I looked a bit like I was having a seizure when I did that. So that's a bit odd.

For anyone at home who's had a seizure, we didn't mean any harm by that. Get over it. Probably call someone. No, let's say get over it. bit odd for anyone at home who's had a seizure we didn't mean any harm by that no probably call someone then when i say get over it if they do get over it then i'll have developed some sort of faith healing thing and people will come and they'll come all the way to golden square just to touch the hem of my garment just have you say get over it yeah exactly just get over it oh i'm cured i wouldn't that be marvelous yeah that was on, that was on the MC with Walk This Way. Of course, if I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder.

We've had a text in, Frank, on 8.12.15. Oh, it's a bit of an occasion. Hold on a minute. That was the top coming off champagne. That was very cheap champagne, wasn't it? Yeah, I couldn't... Something wrong with my thumb. I can hear a noise,

and I think it's the arrival of David Baddiel. His voice is so loud, I can hear an echo. Anyway, because he's our guest today, we should say. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think I hear him. I can hear him. He's upstairs. That could be him.

Yes, David Baddiel is our guest today. What about that? Remember him? Yeah. David, my dear, my old mocker. He is your mocker. And he's my friend as well, I should say. You're the only one who doesn't know him, Gareth.

Never met him. Never met him. Yeah. I don't think he'll like you much. No. I think these people with glasses... Dang. These people with glasses, there's a rivalry.

You know what I mean? They want to be the only people with glasses in the room. That's why the Proclaimers squabbled their whole life through. Anyway, this text I've been trying to read, it's from Steve at the Village Bakery, who I love. He's one of our regular listeners. Didn't they do YMCA? No.

Steve says, Frank's book, this is on the desert island, Frank, Frank's book should be called Tales of the Blanc. That would keep you busy for years. You know who he means. Is this a reference to the fact that Gareth often tells fabulous tales about his one celebrity friend, Raymond Blanc? I think it might be. I think it might be. Yeah, I do. Because I went to the restaurant.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I went to the Maison Blanc in Winchester. Did you? I'm surprised you never mentioned it before. You went to the Maison Blanc in Winchester. Did you? I'm surprised you never mentioned it before. You went to the Maison Blanc in Winchester? Yeah. And I've said a couple of things about it, but there's one interesting thing that happened. Oh, God.

What a day it was. The waitress came over and she said... Where's the music? We need the music. No, no, I'm hooked now. Mr Blanc, would you like me to charge it to your account? And he said, oh, no, I like to pay my bills myself straight away. Even though it was his place. And she called him Mr Blanc, not Monsieur Blanc.

And she said, OK. And she said, oh, and she fiddled with the machine. She said, I'm having a bit of a problem with the machine. Do you mind if I go? No, I like to. I want to pay now, please. I want to pay now please I want to pay now so she went and sorted it out and brought him the bill

left him and after a while he said sorry can I ask you about this thing on the bill here what is she must have been he queries the bill I would imagine she must have been terrified

what is this what is this that's a chocolate eclair and he goes oh yes What is this? What is this? That's a chocolate eclair. And he goes, oh, yes. Ah! What an ending to an anecdote. He didn't even say oui.

He could have said oui. No, he said yes. Oh, yes. I mean, I don't think he's quite got into character, Raymond. That poor girl, though. You don't want Raymond Blanc querying in the Raymond Blanc. She was nervous. She was dropping plates. It was a fiasco.

Oh. Actually, she sounds rubbish. I was going to say, that sounds a much better anecdote than Raymond Blanc querying a bill. I know, but you've got to get LeBlanc in there. I've got to pace myself. I shouldn't have blown the plate breaking. You've killed two Raymond Blanc anecdotes

with one stone. Sing. I've just got a note from the producer that says sing. Oh, what the prison? Be my love and I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn

And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn And I shall yearn I tell you, this show's much funnier during the records. We ought to bring out, that's what the podcast should be, stuff said during the records. Of course, there'd be trouble.

Police, libel, etc. OK, so speaking of the police, did you see Heather Mills was in trouble this week? Oh, yeah. She's not often out of it, that one, is she? That one. You see, already, we've started off on the anti-Heather. What is it we're picking? Why do people hate Heather Mills so much? I can't imagine. But what is

it? Have you ever met her? No, I haven't, actually. Well, there you go. Have you met her, Gareth? No. I don't think you need to meet someone to form an opinion on them. Does she hang around the Maison Blanc? I don't think she's one who hangs around. It depends how much money he's got.

Oh, I can't believe! I can't... There's something... The thing is, she's disabled. And usually the disabled get the benefit of the doubt. Usually the disabled don't go around trying to flog their story to the highest bidder whilst they're still in hospital.

You do. If someone's disabled, even if they're a nasty person, you think, well, you know, they've got a lot to put up with and I sympathise with that. But she gets none of that, Heather. No. I was talking about her on stage once and I tried to defend her a bit. I said, you know, we don't know if she might be all right. her a bit i said you know we don't know she might be all right and there'd been these uh there'd been these weird rumors and can i point out completely unfounded and i'm sure on true rumors that um that paul had been knocking her about you know and this and i mentioned this and i said no if that if that turned out to be true we'd feel terrible some old scouser knocking around a one

legged woman i mean what could be worse than that i said what how would you feel mate and this bloke just shrugged and said best band ever as if that would make it okay absolutely scandalous she does talk a lot though doesn't she she like she fights her corner and she's fond of a statement isn't she she does. She said that this court case was stopping her doing charity work and it would have cost Hunt thousands of lives. We should say that she took her nanny to court. That's it, yeah.

What is the nanny claiming? It was an unfair dismissal and also she'd been downgraded to just being a cleaner. Is that a downgrade? Well, exactly. Not in our house. Well, exactly. I regard the cleaner who rules the roost in our house.

I don't think she has to, because the chickens make a hell of a mess. Heather says she's doing this not just for herself, bringing this to court, she's doing this for people everywhere who have problems with domestic staff. She says for people

who are held to ransom by domestic staff. Because we all suffer from it. Yeah. I don't know if you remember that siege I was involved in with my cleaner when she had me and my girlfriend at gunpoint until we bought more Mr Sheen. Yeah, we had to have a whip round, send someone round to sort it all out.

Yeah, exactly. It's all gone out of hand. Polish interpreter. And also, I think, a Polish interpreter had to turn up. Also, can we just say, on a far more shallow level, what's happened to Heather Mills'

sort of looks? I mean, her hair, Frank. I used to quite fancy Heather Mills. She looks like Julius Caesar in a high street suit. It's awful. Yeah, you know, I'll tell you what's odd.

It's that almost always, I think women look better with short hair. Not in this case. No, but she's turned into sort of a threatening PE teacher type figure. And I'm, you know, I'm trying to be pro-Heather. The papers, this was in one of the papers. I don't know which one because it's a printout.

But just the words I have to get in. It said, speaking of Heather, some of her evidence was like a childish account of a playground spat. Wait for it. But ex-porn star Heather looks stern and put in a ruthless performance. So can we get ex-porn star in with stern? I don't think ruthless. Let's put ruthless in as well.

Poor Heather. She must have got to be... They even said, Heather broke down in tears, pausing to drink some water. Obviously, they don't think they're real... They think she's like tiny tears. You had to fill up a small tank to get liquid.

She couldn't possibly really cry. I think we should get her on as a guest. Wouldn't it be great to find out she was lovely? That would be nice. Yeah. Would we? She's not going would be nice. Yeah. Would we? She's not going to be nice. I just think

I haven't met her. You've got to give people the benefit of the doubt. No, I don't agree with that, Frank. As someone has just texted in, I haven't met Hitler either, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't very nice. Thank you, Scott, for backing up my point. Thank you, Scott. You see, the natural comparison between this woman and hitler also

suggests a certain extreme hitler hitler and paul mccartney had a very turbulent relationship yeah well yeah you're right um hold on no i can't think of anything to say to that i think sometimes you just have to let them go it's no good trying to dwell and I don't want to do it. Unlike bread, I find that half a joke is not better than none. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. A design for life, Manic Street Preachers, which I think sums up your family tree doesn't it my that my granddad did get arrested in london on the street for street preaching at one point

yeah oh anyone got a raymond blanc anecdote no i think that's a great how many of us can say that i mean my dad was arrested but not for street preaching he just hit people um this i must say but let's not go into that. I'd love to go into that. That sounds great. This chocolate bonnie is absolutely fabulous chocolate. I've gone with the ears first. Yeah, I know.

You've eaten it in a really controlled way. You've nibbled at it. Well, you started at the rear of the rabbit. Oh, I did. And I was put off by the presence of the scot. You see? I didn't fancy the scot much. Oh, no, quick, someone do something.

Oh, God, I should have read this warning on the wrapper. It says, bell and ribbon may represent a risk of choking. I like the fact that it's going to represent a risk of choking. Actually, it isn't one. But symbolically, it's prepared to represent one. Also, I don't like the incident that must have prompted that warning. It makes me sad. Yes. I think at least if you are going to choke to death,

it is nice to have an element of jingle bells all the way as you disappear. At least you would have been having chocolate and having a nice time when you went. And every time you ring a bell, an angel gets his wings. So, that's another one. We've had a text in, Frank, during the week. One of our podcast listeners.

Just from the end of it, gets his wings box set. Oh, I'm sorry about that. If any angels listen, I'm sorry that's turned up there. But the first album out, which I think is called Wildlife. Is it called? That's quite good. Do you want to hear this text? Yes. It's from Chris Weyand in New Zealand.

He says, near Australia bracket. Does anyone listen to this show in England? No. We're an international. We have Detroit. We have Russia. We got pig iron! We got all pig iron! Chris says... Pig iron curtain.

People behind the pig iron curtain. We've got that as well. Carry on. Chris says... We got pig Iran. We got all pig Iran. This is my international... Sorry.

Carry on. I don't trust you not to interrupt with one of your pig iron rants i won't do it again um you're so gonna do it i'm not gonna do it i've gone strictly aluminium for this okay this is from chris he says dear frank a little late i know but i have another famous last words entry for you because we were talking about this weren't we i love famous last words and he says one of my favorites is from the brit British author Somerset Maugham, who said just before he died, it's too late for fruit, too early for flowers. That is good.

Isn't that lovely? Too hot for lamb. Oh, you ruined it. Many of you will know that my dad used to call Somerset Maugham Somerset Maffin. So that's got all sorts of, it's set all sorts of bells ringing. David Baddiel is in after this track. I know, I'm really excited. I went and embraced him and gave him a big hug. Did you? Yeah. Both? You two didn't bother,

I noticed. No, well, you know, I don't like to... When they arrive in the studio, I like it as if I've never seen them before. It's exciting. What music have we got for David? Well, I thought we'd herald his appearance by playing the new Fall single, because he loves... Oh, man, he loves them.

This is Berry, parts one and four. Absolute. Radio. That's Berry by The Fall, which is the new single. Purchase it, download it, just do it. David Baddiel has arrived in the studio. Hello, Frank, how are you doing? I'm very well, thank you.

You know, when I arrived, they said to me, you'll be on after the Fall. I said, does he always get the guest on after the fall? He said yeah yeah. I said is there any kind of listener drop off normally at that point? But yeah no great. I couldn't put the headphones on. I don't know if you noticed I put them on and had to take them off again. Dave once got in my car and said what's that horrible noise? Is it the fall? Yeah yeah I think it was the car backfiring. In fact, it turned out to be the hotline. You've had to listen to it quite a lot over the years then. Well, actually, not that much, because Frank got into the fall

not when we first met, quite like seven or eight years ago. Yeah, less than that, even. Yeah. I'm a late developer on the fall. You came out, in fact, to me. I think we were in Portugal at the time. We were walking on a noodley beach. Yeah, yeah.

It was very much someone... How romantic. It was very much someone actually coming out, except it was about liking Marky Smith. Which is rare, I think, when people come out in the normal way, but that comes out. They rarely combine. I'm gay and I like Marky

Smith. I remember you said to me, if I was you, I wouldn't tell anyone. Did you actually say that? I did say, bad advice again for most people coming out. Yeah, it's got a 1950s advice coming out. So the agony aunt on This Morning would advise you

to do that. Exactly, exactly. Well, you know, hey, I'm sure the fall are great. I can't hear it myself, what's great about them, and so I advised against Frank making it public. Oh, they're growing on me. Sport Victorian child, nothing wrong with that. Growing on you? You've been on this show how long? Oh, over a year. Yeah.

Once a week, over a year. Yeah. It's like being married. Yeah, I... I remember you said, the thing is, they're the sort of band that, if people are trying to be cool, they say they like the four,

so you best keep your mouth shut. Well, that is a very unlikely thing for you to try and do, to try and be cool. You're not a man, I think, who ever tries to second-guess the hip agenda. No, exactly. Possibly the broken hip agenda. Yes, exactly.

And so I thought, well, I'm obviously wrong. I'm wrong about so many things. And I was wrong because I thought, well, you know, if Frank likes it, then he must genuinely like it. Because I've never known you to like something except utterly genuinely. But I couldn't, I still can't see it. It sounds like a terrible racket.

I'm sorry. We're all different. I love that such an old grandad thing. Terrible racket. So anyway, Dave, you've written a film. I have. I've written and co-produced I believe is the word, a film called The Infidel which comes out this Friday in

cinemas. I've been invited to the premiere on Thursday. So has Frank Skinner I think. I don't know if he's RSVP. I have RSVP. See, I was a bit sniffy about that, because I thought, surely I don't have to RSVP. I mean, I've known this man for years. I know. It was ridiculous. You actually said to me, someone will sort that out. Yeah.

I actually had to reply and everything. Well, obviously my PA did, but even so. I know, you were upset about that. Very inconvenient. I had to phone her and tell her to do it. You know, I had other things to do. No, fair enough, but thank you all for coming. I'm sorry the other people, Gavin, you haven't been invited. No, I'm Garth.

Garth. You got Gavin. Maybe you sent my invitation to Gavin. In the midst of an apology for not inviting him, you also got his name wrong. I'm so sorry, Gavin. David, that's a very you thing to do, which is why I love it so much.

It is, yeah. I'm a nice chap, but I forget people's names. Yeah, Garth, is that right? Yes. Well, I'm sorry you haven't been appointed. which is why I love it so much. It is, yeah. I'm a nice chap, but I forget people's names. Yeah, Gareth, is that right? Well, I'm sorry you haven't been apologised. I'm sorry I got your name wrong. What else can I apologise for? I don't know. You look a bit like me. I don't know, is there a sort of visual podcast?

Yeah, in your dreams. Exactly. That's how you see yourself, as a young, trendy man. Where is the young, trendy man you speak of? Where is that person? When you said you look a bit like me, I thought Bluto, the villain from Popeye, and you were talking to him.

I think we've got a slightly odd idea of how attractive Gareth is. No, I don't want to insult you again. But how attractive Gareth is. You just have. At least he got the name right this time. In the midst of this insult. When he was telling him he wasn't attractive, he got the name right. Anyway, Gareth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry everyone else in this room

who hasn't been invited. Come, anyway. Go and watch it in the cinema. That'd be better for me. What about the listeners? Have you invited any of them? Some of them. I don't know.

Who's listening? It's Hammersmith Apollo, which most people... Well, they're all going to turn up now. Don't tell them. Well, there'll be loads. I imagine there'll be loads of empty seats, won't there?

No, there won't. But in fact, we've sold out the public ticket thing, because you could buy tickets for it because it's for charity. And that's now sold out, so it's just the guests who are theoretically celebrities. But, you know, that extends quite far these days, that word. Well, when you consider

I've been invited. There you go. Do you remember the time when we went to see, was it Ed Wood, that Johnny Depp film? Yeah. There was an area. Oh, I was there. There was an area. Were you?

Yeah, well, they kept an area that they said, we arrived and a bloke said, oh, you can't sit there, that area's reserved for celebrities. And we thought, oh. Yeah, that's a shame. What do we say? Do you say?

Well, I am one. That's such an awful thing to say. I think you did say that. Yes, I think I did. Did you? Oh, David. I've been out on Wonder wander around leicester square for two hours someone has to you know bite that dave carries clippings for these situations just in case do you know who i am well look here's my show reel but anyway i wish we hadn't because you remember there was one other celebrity yeah

who was it was wolf from gladiator i remember it very clearly and he was he was straight in there by the way there was no just for celebrity so with wolf no and he was a? It was Wolf from Gladiator. I remember it very clearly. And he was straight in there, by the way. There was no just for celebrities, so with Wolf. No, and he was with a fabulous babe in a gold miniskirt. Me and Dave sat there like two extras from Last of the Summer White. And the other thing was, you know what? No other celebrities turned up in that row. It was the four of us for that entire film. I don't think any other celebrities turned up at all.

No other Gliators? No, no other gladiators. No, not even. Not even. One of my best friends off of gladiators, that dear, dear Hunter. Oh, God! As Elvis Presley once said,

it's been a long time. Absolute Radio. Blimey. That was American Idiot, Green Day. And I'm with American Idiot. Oh, I knew you were going to do that. You were born in New York. It kind of works. You're not an idiot, I know.

You know what, there was a short pause where I thought, is Frank, oh yes, he is. Throw it all in, that's what I said. Blanket bombing. So, The Infidel we were talking about, he is. Throw it all in, that's what I said. No, that's right. Blanket bombing. Yeah. So, The Infidel we were talking about, which is David Baddiel's new film,

which comes out on Friday. It does. Which we've both seen and it's fantastic. We have seen. Thank you very much. What a relief that was. I know. It's that awful moment. It's difficult.

What if you'd written something crap? Well, I have in my time, as you know. No, but... I could almost feel it was quite a full room wasn't it was like people but i think i could sense frank's trepidation more than anyone else thinking he's already thinking oh god what am i going to say if this is rubbish well i mean i'd seen the trailer and so i knew i knew there was at least three laps because there's three laps in the trailer but i mean i didn't know where they

were going to come they might have all come right at the end. And then, I won't say what this is but right at the beginning of the film there's a massive, one of those really massive laughs and then I thought, oh, I can relax now. So thank goodness for that. And you've got such a good cast as well. Yes, Omid Jalili, who I think is great in it, really proving himself to be a brilliant comic actor

as well as a great stand-up. And then we've got this guy, Richard Schiff, who's from the West Wing, who might not be that well-known in this country. Toby from the West Wing. Thank you very much, Gavin. I went for Gavin, I know it's Gareth. When you say he's from the West Wing, do you mean he lives in Emily's house? He does.

I've never seen the West Wing. To be honest, I hadn't watched it that much before we cast it, but then I had to watch a lot of it very quickly to pretend that I had. But it's... Wikipedia'd the West Wing. Yeah, basically. It's a very famous US TV series about life in the White House

and he played Head of Communications, Toby Ziegler. Yeah, that's right. He's actually a bald bearding man who, the more I look at him in the film, the more I think, I've based this bloke on my dad without realising it. Sort of like 20 years ago, my dad. Who, by the way, has also been arrested. I heard you talking about that earlier.

Oh, has he? Why was Colin Baddiel arrested? Recently. No, not recently. Although, you know, he might have been. I love a Colin Baddiel anecdote. Well, it's very simple. My dad, who you will know, who is a sort of slightly, very nice, but slightly trampy, slightly sweary man, was arrested. Fully eccentric. He was arrested for apparently getting very drunk and

falling over in front of a policeman and throwing up on his boots. And I think the charge therefore is drunk and disorderly. That's a nice thing for a dad to be arrested for. And he spent a night in the cells in Swansea. He's from Swansea. They didn't take him to Swansea from London. We don't want this to look anywhere near us.

To be fair, he did smell of sick. Well, if smells are sick, what do you think? Swansea? Yes. You know the routine. He has been arrested it's marvelous but uh so we've all got arrested dads is that true in this room that's a strange thing isn't it yeah mine wasn't really arrested i just made it up for comic affairs i'm so gullible no not really it was my grandfather as well but um how was it that's because you're so young you don't know my name i do know so look can you because we've seen the film and i don't know that thing is because we know about it we presume everyone else does so what what's it about it's about a muslim man who discovers uh

quite you know in his 40s uh when he's got a family around him and a settled life that he in fact was adopted at birth and is actually jewish and that's kind of the absolute kernel of the film um there are lots of other bits and pieces going on in it it's also his son is about to get married to the stepdaughter of a fundamentalist cleric and uh bits and pieces of other stuff but that's really the center of it and um yeah and it's kind of um a lot of people have talked about it being controversial and i suppose it is controversial though i don't think you've ever thought it's that controversial but to do comedy about religion and and stuff but actually when you see it i would say it's a kind of warm feel good you know funny film

that does go to edgy areas but it's not setting out to offend in the way that some films might yeah i like i like comedy about religion myself but i like a good jewish joke there's some proper jewish jokes in it which i won't repeat obviously but yeah can i say something about that actually which is that um a few people have said to me whilst i've been doing interviews you said oh you know we were you know you were this guy on the merry watch experience then you're this football guy and then so so now you're kind of sort of seen to some extent as like jewishness is one of your things and i said yeah i don't even really think of myself in a way as that jewish but i think the person who's responsible for that is frank skinner to some extent.

You did say have a Nagila when you were walking up the stairs. No, I said have a tequila. Can I say this? Let me explain it. When I started living with you, I don't know if you know, listeners, we used to live together, me and Frank, just before he came out. And because Frank, I think, is interested in my jewishness uh and just by living together he started to pick up bits of yiddish and frank is a very non-jewish man when he started using bits of yiddish and there is a yiddish word for a non-jew

uh which is yoke it's a slightly derogatory word to be honest but there you go which is yoke and he started to do so many jokes involving yiddish. He said, can I do a whole act like this? I could call myself Yokey Mason, which is a fantastic joke, I have to say. There's so much in it. So I do Jewish jokes, but I do jokes about knowing Jews rather than being one. Yeah, that would be foolish.

What do you think is the best Jewish joke? My favourite Jewish joke ever was one on the two Ronnies when there'd been a nuclear fallout and there's very few people left on the planet. And he said, there aren't any religions. In fact, the Jews are having to join with the Mormons and the headquarters is going to be in Salt Beef City. I like this one. I heard it the other day.

There's that show Ghost Stories. Have you seen that? Oh, yeah. Andy Nyman's show. He's Jewish. Not that they all are. Don't stop thinking they all are in showbiz, because isn't uh emily practically is on an honorary dude um but what about gavin uh looking at him now i can't tell uh but this is the joke uh an englishman a frenchman and a jew sitting on a bench and the englishman says i'm so tired and thirsty i must have beer and the frenchman says oh i am so tired and thirsty i I must have beer. And the Frenchman says, I am so tired and thirsty, I must have wine.

And the Jew says, I'm so tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes. That's good, isn't it? If you know Jews, you know exactly what that's about. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. The premiere is on

Thursday. Yeah. And I've got my invite. It's at Amersmith Apollo, which is an unusual place. It's not even a cinema, is it? Well, it used to be a cinema. It used to be Hamsworth Odeon, which obviously is a cinema, even though we think of it as a rock venue.

And it actually has the biggest screen still in Britain. And a Wurlitzer. Someone is going to be playing the Wurlitzer. The mighty Wurlitzer. The mighty Wurlitzer. And I suggested it, actually, because we're a low-budget British film. We can't afford Empire, Leicester Square, I think, to hire those cinemas, it costs a fortune.

And so people were saying Curzon, Mayfair and all that stuff, and I thought, that doesn't feel quite right. So because I've played Hammersmith Odeon and Omid's played it, and it's basically, to some extent, not the home of comedy. I've played it, can I say it? Of course, you've played it, but you're not involved in the film. OK, Gavin and I haven't played it. We're the only ones.

So I suggested Hammersmith, and then we went for it. And what we've decided to do, partly because it's a comedy venue and partly because Hammersmith want to sell some drinks so there needs to be an interval, is we're going to have

like half an hour, 40 minutes of comedy and music before the film. I'm going to be hosting it. Om is going to be doing 10 minutes or so. And we ran this competition. I don't know if you know, but we ran a competition called Which Religion is Funniest, based on the film

in which comics, mainly unknown comics, came on a Facebook site and told religious jokes. And some of it was really funny. And I think the two best are going to be doing a couple of minutes each, their funniest religious jokes as well. And Ian Brodie's going to be playing. Oh, brilliant. And actually, one of the things about Ian Brodie playing, right, is he's probably going to

be doing pure. I don't know what he's going to be doing. But obviously, a few people started to say, hang on, you're going to be there. Frank's going to be there. What about brilliant. And actually, one of the things about Ian Brodie playing, right, is he's probably going to be doing pure. I don't know what he's going to be doing, but obviously a few people started to say, hang on, you're going to be there, Frank's going to be there, what about doing Three Lions?

I said, no, can't do Three Lions because nothing can follow, like Omid would be coming on afterwards and Omid's great, but nothing can follow Three Lions.

The film can't follow Three Lions. I suppose if we did Three Lions of Judah, that would be alright. Yeah, I don't know it though. We'd have to have a bit of a tinkle

with a lyric, I think, have a bit of Hebrew in it. I'm up for it. But it is happening. We'd have to have a bit of a tinkle with a lyric, I think. Have a bit of Hebrew in it. I'm up for it. But it is happening. I think there may be still tickets available. It's Comic Relief and this charity I'm involved with called Calm. We'll be getting The Prophets.

So, Prophets, that's another religious reference. Oh, it's gone religious crazy. So do come along. It should be a great night. I'll tell you something else which I think you'll be interested in. When I watch the film at screenings, one of the things I think is, it's a comedy film, people get lost, but I feel there should be some great night i'll tell you something else which you i think will be interested in is when i watch the film at screenings one of the things i think is it's a comedy film i want you know people get lost but i feel there should be some kind of warm-up because normally if you were you know a big act like a film is you'd have a warm-up first but you don't

get that with a film so for the first time at hammersmith we're going to have a proper warm-up for a comedy film so it should storm it well see when i used to go to the cinema as a youth there used to be two films on. So there was a warm-up. There was like the B film and then the main movie but goodness me, those days are gone. And there were Wurlitzers back then as well, I would imagine. Yeah, people used to arrive on that. Or was that, I think that

was Davros. Davros used to live local. Yeah. And wouldn't Doctor Who have been a better programme if Davros had had a mighty Wurlitzer instead of just that small thingy? I'm still slightly frightened of Davros. I don't like to talk about him. Whenever I see him, I still feel slightly ill at ease.

Do you see him often? Yeah, he comes round all the time. I think he's Jewish, if I remember right. Davros? Bobby Davros. Bobby Davros. Marvellous. Well, look, anyway, the film comes out on Friday.

So for people who haven't got tickets for the premiere, you can go out and see it then. Or just become friends with David Baddiel, like I did. Easy. That's the other option, yeah. It's not that easy. I put on a terrible wall to get out. I'm sorry. That's what you should embrace.

You've really taken to his name now, haven't you? I'm saying it over and over again to prove something. That's what's going on. Exactly. Well, it is. I can personally state, although obviously I have links with this man. By the way, me and Dave are doing a load of radio shows and podcasts for Absolute for the coming World

Cup, in case you hadn't heard. And we did a bit of a thing. We had a bit of a warm-up thing the other day and it was, oh man, it's great to be back. It is, yeah. So thanks a lot, Dave. Hang on a second a lot Dave. Thank you, you were about to say, you were about to say, I can say without reservation, then you got started talking about it. You didn't say it. Oh, sorry.

I just remembered I had a reservation. This script was written for Cochise. Now, it's a very, very funny film and I would recommend you to see it. And if you don't think it's funny, I'll give every one of you your money back if you don't like it. What will Coots say about that?

That's a statement from David Baddiel. Don't you be go-go! Gareth. Are you alright now? I'm fine. I've got the name right. Yeah. Davey's like that, really, believe me. I was so happy he got mine right. So don't feel bad about it

we um i i this week i have been on holiday is this do we have to put these words in the right order you've been on holiday where it's all right oh where'd you go mauritius well we went to um we went to kent oh because that's in in London. You just turned right at the Tesco Metro. Why would you go there on holiday? It's not actually in London, I think. It sort of is, isn't it? Isn't it that the orchard of Great Britain, the fruit basket of Britain?

The Garden of Britain. The Garden, it was something like that. Garden of Britain. And Garden of England. And it was because Laura's mum and dad have come over and they live in Spain. I thought it was called the Garden of England because it's covered in dog excrement.

Carry on. And, yeah, we went... So they've come over. So it's a family holiday. Yeah, it's a family holiday. So it was nice. But there's not much to do. It rained a lot.

So basically our big day out... Well, it will do if you're in Kent. Our big day out was we went to the Tunbridge Wells Shopping Centre. Oh. The Victoria Centre, I think it's called. I don't feel any obligation to blog it. Did they give you any freebies? No. No.

But it was weird, because remember last week in Blackpool, your hotel room, we talked about that. Yes. In the toilet, you said there was... There was a wicker armchair. You say, I said, you saw it, I took you in the toilet, shouted to you, don't be bashful. Quite a long chat. There was a wicker armchair. You say, I said, you saw it, I took you in the chair and showed it to you. Don't be bashful. It was quite a long chat.

There was, yes. One could sit. I imagine that old people would sit and the bloke would have a ball of wool while the old lady held her arm, stretched out with one. She sat on the toilet and he sat on the wicker chair. That's where I thought he would go. Well, we went to, in this shopping centre, there was a family toilet. We were taking Ethan to get it changed.

How many toilets? That's disgusting. Family toilet? It's like a trough. We were looking for somewhere to change Ethan, so we found this one that sort of had a picture of a grown-up and a child, so we thought, oh, we'll go in there. And in there, there were two toilets

side by side just in a big room. That is repulsive. Well I mean to be fair though I think you'll find that's the conjoined twins toilet. There's only four in England and so you can imagine that they have to really

if they start to get desperate they're out there to jump into a car. Also, how did you know just from that graphic? Of course, the same one has to drive all the time. Unless they get an American car over just for a change. Sorry, carry on. And, yeah. Did you use it?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, you got to, you know, when in Rome. We both went. No, the thing is you weren't in Rome. No. You're in... When in Rome, don't use the when in Rome, we both went. No, the thing is, you weren't in Rome. No. You're in... When in Rome, don't use the latrines.

We both went. So who went? You and your wife? Me and Laura, yeah. What, your father-in-law? You sat side by side. You and your father-in-law? Absolutely.

That would have been a picture... To match the posh Bex wedding picture of them on white ornamental thrones. It was really odd. It was really odd. We properly giggled because you don't usually do that. Did you? No, you don't. You don't ever do it, actually, is the word I would have used.

Did you hold hands? No. Oh, that's not hygienic. Oh, God. Oh, lovely. I think there's something quite romantic about it. You know, that's what marriage is about, isn't it? Being relaxed around each other. Oh, I hope not.

Terrible cocktail of... Absolute. Radio. Gareth had a go at me while that song was playing. I did not have a go at you. I didn't hear him because my headphones were on. Frank, can I just say my bit and then he can say his? No, just quickly.

And so he went, oh, I'm doing a Gareth. So he insulted himself whilst insulting me it all backfired it's at least you got the name right look on the bright side i've got speaking of um things going a bit did you do any april fools no because i've got a mortgage oh does that stop you well that's why did one, because I don't have a mortgage. What is a mortgage? Oh, prime. That's going to alienate you. Yeah, so... Go on, what was the April Fool's that you did? People like E.T.

Why didn't he alienate people? What was the April Fool's that you did? He was Protestant, I think. You can tell. Yeah, so the April... I thought... I think the secret, I learnt this, is that don't mix April Fool's pranks with PMT. Oh, dear.

It's a very, very dangerous cocktail, right? And what happened was, when I got up on whatever morning it was, was it Thursday morning, April Fool's Day? Yeah. But anyway, I got up. I told my girlfriend that I'd been offered a series on Channel 4 with

Got Kwan. That is quite a good April Fool. In which, I suppose a lot of you listening tried the same thing. Your girlfriends. I, um, and I said it was called Would You Wear That? Did you really say this? Honestly, yeah. And I said it was a programme in which I went out into the streets of Britain with Gok Kwan

and I wore a series of elaborate avant-garde outfits. And I said I'd been offered 40 episodes. 40? I thought, that'll swing it, surely. Well, when I told her at first I'd've been off for a bit with Gotquan, she said, oh, he's quite, you know, he's quite in at the moment, Gotquan. I thought, oh, probably she isn't going at all.

Well, then she went into the other room and, of course, with the PMT, she then came out saying, God, I can't believe that. It's going to be so humiliating. It completely flipped. And she got so angry and aggressive about the fact that I was...

Because I was saying, I think it's a really good idea. I'm going to say yes, I better tell you. My manager's all for it. I love the idea of you in, like, some Harlequins outfit. Exactly, yeah, in Oldham. In a shopping centre in Oldham. And him saying, you know, Oh, go down there, Frank.

And I say, hold on, are you standing on my pantaloons? So, anyway, she got so angry about the fact that I was doing Would You Wear That We Got Quad. You think it's a real programme now? I was frightened to tell her it was a joke. No. So I left her. Did you ring Channel 4 and say you're going to have to commission it?

Well, she actually mentioned to someone at Channel 4 that I was doing it and they said, really? I hadn't heard about that. She found her mother and said, apparently she said, I think I might have to split up with Frank. He's going to absolutely humiliate us. I think I've heard about it. I think there's a lot of buzz. Yeah. There's a lot of buzz about that.

So I couldn't tell her. Because we got, like, we left home together. We walked into work together and she suddenly said, I think I've left the iron on and went in the opposite direction. And so I didn't get a chance to explain. Oh, because would you wear that? I know, yeah. So that was my attempt at an April Fool.

40 episodes, Frank. What were you thinking? She's very strict. See, when I got back from Blackpool, I had a ukulele badge on. They gave me a badge. It was a ukulele leaning on a lamppost. Oh, that's attractive, yeah. And she said to me, badges, we're going to have to talk about that as soon as I got here.

See, I'm living under a reign of terror. Badges? No badges? I think she said, oh, yeah, there were two badgers in the living room. Both in stockings and suspenders. That explains what she says there. It was like Wind in the Willows nights. The sexy Wind in the Willows.

Exactly. Wind in the Willows uncovered. Oh, dear. Well, I think that's about it. You won't be doing April Fool's tricks again. Oh, by the way, we had lots of people who suggested names for the midweek podcast. We're going for the Not the Weekend podcast, is what it's called.

Yeah. And who set that in? Was that Gerry? I think it was Gerry. Gerry! Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!

Ah, good day to you. Absolute! Radio.