The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: David Essex

Episode Date: October 3, 2009

This week Emily tells Frank and Gareth all about her trip to the Worlds Strongest Man final in Malta, which involves swags, eggs and pulling planes.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's the podcast of the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio show thing again. I'm here with Emily and Gareth.

Gareth's wearing a parka. He's gone a bit quadrophenia. Yeah, you're a bit of a mod nowadays. And I think this is more sort of oasisy. Oh, is it? I don't know. It's not a parka, I don't think. Parkas have hoods and like a little thing at the back. Oh, that's the fishtail parka you're thinking of. They's not a parka, I don't think. Parkas have hoods and, like, a little thing at the back.

Oh, that's the fishtail parka you're thinking of. They're not edgy anyway anymore. Mum's wear them on the school run. No, but I still think that's a parka. Sorry, Gary. Yeah. Mum's on scooters with 900 mirrors on. Who pick fights with rockers. Yeah. So, this week, you know, we always do these bits.

We record them after the show. I think sometimes we should record them before the show. Do you think? Thanks. OK, so that was... I seem to have somehow delivered that as if it was a rhetorical question, hence the silence. Perhaps people listening to this answered instinctively,

even though the people sitting opposite me just stared. So we had David Essex as a guest. Yeah, right. We had, who still looks very good. Oh, he's still got it going on. And we had Emily's lowdown on her week with the World's Strongest Men. Was it a week? Yeah, it was a week.

I bet it felt like a year. Oh, it wasn't long enough. It was a week in Malta. Well, don't give it all away, but it's a saucy old tale indeed. And it was a good show, Gareth, don't you think? Yeah. OK, well, we'll see what they think. Here it is.

Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Gareth. I'm with Emily. Hello. Hi, Frank. I got pig iron. I got all pig iron! I've got all pig iron!

And yes, here we are on a Saturday morning. Or as some people say, Saturday morning! That's one of our jingles in case you've never heard this show before. And Emily, I have to start, begin, I have to begin, or start, or indeed

I can't think of another word to it. Commence. I have to commence by asking start, or indeed, I can't think of another word, to commence. I have to commence by asking you about the fact you went to the Strongest Man. Was it called the World's Strongest Man competition? It was called the World's Strongest Man finals. Where was that held this year? It was in Malta. Oh, I feel really sad to be back.

Not that I don't like spending time with you guys, and I was so excited to be back on the show and talk to you about it. Do we seem sort of small and deflated like old birthday balloons you really do the whole world seems really small and inconsequential compared to the world's strongest men oh my god someone said inconsequential this early in the morning commercial radio is that allowed yeah they became my friends frank no they didn't become your they were my friends travis was 25 stone. I helped him pull the plane. Well, I inspired him to do well. You helped him pull the plane? Yeah, he pulled the plane.

They have trouble starting. Hold on. When you said that they were your friends and all that, nothing happened, did it? No. Can we establish that from the top? I don't like the idea of you as some sort of action figure type person. Oh, I quite like the idea of going out.

Yeah, well, I bet you do. But no, I thought they'd be real meatheads, but actually they were very sensitive and they were real gentle giants. And one picked me up. It's true, one picked me up. I bet one picked you up. That does not surprise me. He held me in the air like a dumbbell.

Yeah. It was amazing and I liked it. What, above his...? Yeah, he suddenly said... I wonder if was amazing and I liked it. What are you, a buffy? Yeah, he suddenly said... I wonder if at any point he considered the old wrestling move the slam. But they used to call it the slamming something, slamming whatever it was. You throw them on the canvas and then you throw yourself on top. Giant haystacks used to do it.

Really? Do you remember Giant Haystacks? I do remember him. Giant, I always called him. Oh. Well, yeah, they had some interesting names. They did weird jobs. One was a mortician when he wasn't a strong man. Giant, I always called him. Oh. Well, yeah, they had some interesting names. They did weird jobs. One was a mortician when he wasn't a strong man.

Oh, imagine that. A corpse in each hand above your head going up the stairs. I bet he just, like, does some bench presses with the corpses. Oh, no. That's too many references to corpses already. I'm freaked out. They eat so much, though, guys. Oh, don't talk about eating and corpses.

No. Leave the corpses, will you? They eat 28 boiled eggs for breakfast. Well, the thing is with that, when you say they eat 28, what is that about? Does that mean one would say, oh, I'm feeling a bit peaky this morning. I'll just have 27. Doris, Doris, no, I can't do the 28. And not so many soldiers. Or some days, God, I'm starving. You know what? I'll just have 27. Doris. Doris, now I can't do the 28. And not so many soldiers.

Or some days. God, I'm starving. You know what? I'll go 30. You will not go 30. I mean, why is it 28? What kind of a weird regulation? Don't question the ways of the strongman.

No, but that's just, that's a ritual. That's not a diet. Yeah, it is a ritual. Yeah, but if you want to look like that, Frank, you're going to have to step it up a bit. You know what? I don't want to look like that. I think they look weird.

I think the human head the human head right it starts to look mean and insignificant when the body gets too big these drugs look like they've got tiny they're not they're not meat heads they're pea heads there's nothing insignificant about my strong men i love them well did any one of them at any time tear up a phone book no he didn't tell me well then they're not strong they pulled the plane they did and they lifted I love them. Well, did any one of them at any time tear up a phone book? No, he didn't tear up a phone book. Well, then they're not strong men in my eyes. They pulled a plane and they lifted Atlas Stones and they lifted me up. They lifted Atlas Stones?

Yeah, they're called Atlas Stones. They weigh about 500 pounds. What's that in Atlas Stones? Thank God we've managed to get out of that with some sort of a comical remark um when it's i don't like the sound of it i can smell bo just from the conversation about the world's strongest men i imagine they must always smell a bo they are a bit sweaty i knew it i knew it i knew well we'll leave if you were any of you when you walk away from this radio show and people say yes emily went to World's Strongest Man,

what were they like? Just say, well, apparently they were a bit sweaty. Absolute. Radio. That was Catatonia with Mulder and Scully. And, of course, we had Keris on the show. I'd go so far as to say she is a... Friend of the show.

Yeah, she was on last week. And, Gareth, I think it's fair to say that you felt slightly in love with her. She's lovely. I mean, afterwards, even now week. And Gareth, I think it's fair to say that you felt slightly in love with her. She's lovely. I mean, afterwards, even now as we speak about it, you've got it looking at me like when a dog wants a biscuit. I'd like to be friends with her. I'd like to... You're listening, Keris.

Like I'd like to be friends with the strong men. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's odd that there is some celebrities that you think, I'd actually... You know, I don't want your autograph or any sort of physical relationship, but I'd quite like to be your friend. With me, it's Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Really? Oh, yeah. Well, he lives very near me, and I think it's ridiculous that the Archbishop of Canterbury lives across the road and we're not friends. Well, we should have him on if he'd come, or we could just go round for tea. He's a weird neighbour to have, though.

What do you mean he's a weird neighbour to have? Well, it's just a bit odd, him being your neighbour, I think. Would you buy a lens of gardening tools? Someone has to live next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury. That's a rule. And indeed me, yeah. So I would think him and Tracey Emin, I would like. Not together, because I think they'd squabble.

But Tracey Emin is someone I think would be a good friend. I mean, she'd be one of those friends who sometimes turned up on your doorstep at three o'clock in the morning, maybe, covered in excrement, screaming, the world is a terrible place. But I don't mind that. I do that sometimes, too. Yeah, I don't mind.

I mean, you've done it, what, twice? That's fine. Well, I think Rowan Williams and Tracey Emin would be a good... Because I think she would make a terrible mess and he would very politely tidy up after her. I don't think he'd tidy up, you see. I don't think he'd even notice it. That's how ethereal he is.

I think he's a man who... If he turned up and he wasn't wearing a sandal, I'd be desperately disappointed, wouldn't you? I mean, the idea of him going out not in sandals. Anyway, I keep saying... I keep saying to my personal assistant, I'm going to draft a letter to Rowan Williams and say, come over. To your personal assistant? Yes.

Can we just rewind, please? Well, you know, I was going to say, I was going to say, I keep thinking of sending him a letter, but I thought that's not strictly true. And I don't want to tell a lie about the Archbishop of Canterbury because that probably is even worse than telling a normal lie. it's not a cardinal scene obviously but it's an archbishop scene uh so uh and and saying i live opposite you you know come over and you know if nothing else you'll have a great view of your house but um i maybe listens to this i wouldn't

be surprised to find actually i say i wouldn't be surprised to find... Actually, I say I wouldn't be surprised, I'd be utterly shocked to find that he listens to this. I'd be quite stunned. I think he probably listens to just silence. He's got a radio. He's quite shipping forecast. Yeah, maybe he's a bit shipping forecast. I'd like to be friends with Alan Bennett and Foxy Bingo. That would be a great night out, I think.

So, Foxy Bingo. Yes! That's how I imagined Foxy Bingoingo have you seen any of my talking heads i'm slightly bored by them i like more action you know foxy i have i know a doctor friend who could help you with that i don't have a problem yeah i i think that would be an interesting uh interesting night i've got any emails or text you. If you want to text us, by the way, 81215. That wasn't a code.

That wasn't some sort of weird spy code. That's the number. There's a really sweet one we've just had saying, Hi, Frank, I want you to be my friend. Love from Joe in Stoke-on-Trent. Oh, that's lovely. Joe, get in touch with his personal assistant. I'd be in

pottery. I'd be rolling in pottery for the rest of my life if I had a friend in Stoke-on-Trent. I bet she's throwing a small ewer, as we speak. A ewer. You know what a ewer is? Is it U-R-E? U-R-E. No, that's Ian Ewer,

the former Arslan and Scotland centre-half. You fool. It's gone a bit surreal early on, hasn't it? Yeah. When it goes surreal. There's another good email that's come in. Morning, Frank. How many The Fall gigs have you seen, will you be seeing on the current tour?

Like from Paula in Leeds. It's funny you should say from Paula. Yes. I'm going to answer that question after this. After this is right. I'm going to do that again. I'm going to answer that question after this. After this is radio. I'm going to do that again. I'm going to answer that question after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Have we had any contact on 8, 12, 15, our text number? We've had one I love. Remember, you were talking about an oor earlier. Yeah, it's a sort of a jog type thing. And I asked if it was spelt U-R-E. Yes. And Rob has texted in to say,

Hi, Frank, how sublime that you thought of Ian rather than Midge. That's fact. I love that sublime is great. Yeah, I should have thought Midge is the most obvious Ewer, but Ian Ewer, he was a big star in his day. But I'm proud of the fact I thought of Ian over Midge. Hi, Frank, how's the new car? What new car? Oh, my God, I've got a story.

Got a new car? Who would know that I got a new car? It must be some... Have you really got a new car? I did get a new car this week. Why didn't you tell us? Yeah, but who set that in? This will be the person who left an envelope on my back seat saying I know some terrible things about you.

You've done some creepy things. Yeah, and I read it and it said, you don't drink, you don't smoke, you haven't done drugs or anything since September 24th, 1986. You don't sleep around. you don't even do caffeine and i'm going to expose how incredibly dull you are unless you give me two million quid and that'll be that person they've now sent a text saying we know everything who is it and what's going on with the car that's a different person as well

yeah that's a different person who said we know everything so did he just say that's the new car yeah so tell us what's the deal with the car well mr big shot what's the deal with the car well it's over over several payments no i just i thought i'll get a new car is what i did so um i uh i i don't want to say i mean i i what is it it's a it's it's made's made by BMW and it's sort of bluey green. That's what I know about it. I don't know what type it is. The bluey green's good. I've heard the new bluey green is really good.

But I don't know any of the numbers. I don't understand that with cars. Oh, you've got the new S-series E743. If anyone says that to me, I think I don't want to talk to you anymore. Not just now, but never again. I always think anyone who knows about cars probably knows a lot about genocide as well. And thinks it's all right.

Frank! Sorry, that's what I think. I mean, you can imagine how much I love Top Gear. Top Gear, for me, someone should step into the studio with a backpack flamethrower and just clean it out. That's not the official view of Absolute Radio, by the way. It might be, I just haven't talked to them for ages. Do you hate people that say,

what are you driving these days? Well, I mean, when I went up from the garage bit in our flats, because there's like a garage bit at the bottom, and then I walked up and the guy on the front desk said, like the new car, and I said, what do you take me for? And then just got in the lift. Did you really say that?

Yeah. Oh, Frank, that's a bit unreasonable. I'm not having a conversation about cars, and that's fine. I discovered that Emily could drive this week. I'd never imagined Emily behind the wheel of a car. That's the most sexist thing anyone's ever said. It's not a sexist thing.

Why can't you imagine me driving? You change your plug. It's not a gender thing, not a sexist thing. Why can't you imagine he drives it? You change a plug. It's not a gender thing. It's an Emily thing. Why? I imagine she'd have someone to drive. Yeah, but she doesn't

start the car. She just sits in it and a strong man pulls it on a chair. Oh, I wish that would happen. I would love that. I would want that. Because you'd be sitting there

and for the first three or four miles you'd think this is great and then the small patch would start to form on his back, on his leotard. You'd think, oh, I don't want to look at that for the rest of the journey. They do carry you around, though. You need a strongman with windscreen wipers on the small of his back.

I don't know if you can get such a strongman. Well, they do carry you around, if you ask them. They'll just pick you up while they're talking to you. Well, if I see one, I shall say now, you couldn't carry me to Tottenham Court Road. You've got to get some electrical goods. I think they'd be sniffy with me. They carried you around because they're just like the Russell of lingerie.

Absolute radio. We've had a text on 8-12-15. Yes, it says, hey, Emily, Fister and Travis send their love. Marios says he misses you. Oh, those are my strong men. I can't believe it. We've had a message. Marios says he misses you. Oh, those are my strong men! Oh, my God! I can't believe it! We've had a message.

Can you imagine that, with a big, podgy finger, desperately trying to text, a big, tiny mobile in the... Massive thumb. It's like a bunch of bananas trying to text, really. It is, yeah. So Fista, Travis and Marios are all strong men. Yeah, Travis is my favourite.

He's the one I formed a deep emotional bond with. And Fista, Travis and Marios are all strongmen. Yeah, Travis is my favourite. He's the one I formed a deep emotional bond with. And Fista, what's he like? The Fista, he's brilliant. He's American. He won it. He beat Marios last year. I know quite a lot about it now. Yes.

He's really good. Yes. He sounds lovely. He is. I like the sound of him. I think we'll move on from him. But that's lovely to have heard from them, though, isn't it? How marvellous.

Does that mean they all sit together early in the morning? I suppose they're having their eggs. Be about egg 15. Let's text. Are they hard-boiled? Could they have them as one big omelette? Would that still count? What enormous, like, it'd be like a duvet,

like a duvet-style omelette. They have porridge, and they have it in, like, a cake mix. Well, you want a bit of porridge because 28 hard-boiled eggs, that's not going to keep... I'm sorry, I say hard-boiled, I'm putting words in their mouth. As opposed to putting eggs in there. They have to wake up at 4am to eat chocolate as well because they can't miss eating time. So do I. Oh, okay.

That's normal, isn't it? What, do they have 28 Easter eggs? The big fat pigs. What's going on? Shut up! I'm sorry. They're not fat, they're actually in great shape. I think it's fair to say. So look, this woman was asking... They've got great cheese on their abdomens.

This woman was asking about the fall. Emily did. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was funny you should say, how many times are you going to see the fall on this show? Because I went to see the fall on Thursday night. Like, Thursday just gone? Yeah, at Windsor.

At the Theatre Royal in Windsor, which is a very odd place to see. In case you don't know, and never listened to this show before, there's a lady you texted in earlier who we'll talk about in a minute. If you've never heard it before, the Fourleys is my favourite group in all the world. I say group because the lead singer's quite keen. They're called a group instead of a band in his slightly tetchy way. So I went to see them, and they're not the sort of band you see at the Theatre Royal Windsor.

I normally see them in clubs, like slightly grubby clubs, where they have a space, especially marked out on the car park, for ambulances. Is it clubs where I wouldn't use the bathroom? You wouldn't even use the club. But this was very nice.

We sat down and stuff like that, and I met a lot of Fall fans after, and somebody said to me, he said, I listen to you on Virgin Radio every Saturday morning. And I thought, okay, now let's just a minute, just a minute. If you listen to me on what you think is Virgin Radio,

do you not think it odd, all these adverts we do for this other radio station called Absolute? Have you never thought, God, that Absolute, there must be paying a fortune for all that advertising. Anyway, so he was nice. He's very nice and liked the fact I played.

And one bloke gave me the set list. Because you know, if you see a band, they have the set list, they tape it to the stage. And this bloke scampered up on stage after and got, there was two actually, so he got the guitarist and the bass player and then he gave me one

as a reward for playing a fall track a few weeks back how lovely is that did it have Sport Victorian Child which is my favourite fall song they didn't do that now, they rarely do old stuff, don't get me going into details but they did do a sidekick

dance all this way but you won't be going into details, but they did do a sidekick dance all this way, but you won't be interested in that. But there are four fans, and I'm going again to Coco in Camden in North London on the 17th of November, and I think we should go as a works outing, because I think if you guys, you need to see the four. You'd see how marvellous

it is. Okay. You don't have to go to the toilet. Really go a lot. Have a real strainer just before we step in and you won't need to go. Actually, I think Coco's quite nice, isn't he? Oh, I't have to go to the toilet. Really go a lot. Have a real strainer just before we step in and you won't need to go. Actually, I think Coco is quite nice, isn't he? Oh, I'm going to go. I quite like it.

I think I'd get on with Marky Smith. We're very similar kind of people. You don't get to meet them. It's not the sort of place you'd go back. Is there no after show?

Oh, God. They're not the strong men. No, I'd be too scared to go back. I'd probably get glassed. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. By the way, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth.

And also, after the 9 o'clock news, guess who's coming in? I'll tell you. David Essex. I'm so excited. David Essex. What about that? I used to live in Essex I'm so excited David Essex what about that I used to live in Essex did you

I used to live with a bloke called David David Baddiel I used to live with so that is really weird and I I used to have a bit

of a crush on David Essex well then we've all covered the David Essex and I still have have you really yeah a little bit well you don't you haven't seen him yet

have you oh I'm so excited he might have been in some terrible fire and come in I don't care I'll still love him I'll nurse him yet, have you? Oh, I'm so excited. He might have been in some terrible fire and come in just like a pork scratching. I'll still love him. I'll nurse him back to health. Well, that'll be...

I'm looking forward to watching that. That's great. Anyway, he's coming in. And I think it's about time we had an Ethan update. Just a second. Is that foxes outside? I wish That'll be foxes That's so loud, do you have to deal with that every day, that noise?

Yeah, he's got louder than that now He's louder than that? Yeah, his lungs have developed Have you bought him a small PA system as a christening present? That was a mistake in my eye In your eye? in my eye. In your eye? In my eye, yeah.

Just one of them. Just one of them, the other one. Actually, do you know I can't see in one eye? But thanks for laughing at that. Anyway, tell us about Ethan. He's doing, he's good. Garrett's a bit worried now, in case I can't see with one eye. I can tell, he's worried. I can sense a knotting in his stomach

I wonder why you mostly ignore me Yeah, well that's because you sit on the left You can only see Emily There could be anybody out there So anyway, Ethan How old is he now? He's nearly four months Is that all? He's been around for ages

People never say that about babies How old is he? Four months Is that all? No, it's about seven. People never say that about babies. How old is he? Four months. What is that all? Rubbish. I was in the co-op with him. I went to the co-op

with him this week and there was, our co-op is full of lunatics. The people who work behind the counters are really weird and it goes, this guy goes,

oh, all right, boss, how old is he? And I said, four months. And he goes, oh, you're a good age. He should enjoy life while he's that age. Did he say that?

Before your head goes. He never said that. He said that. Before your head goes. Yeah. I don't know what he meant. His must have gone about seven months or something. Was he a decapitated man?

Come to mention it. Yeah, well, of course. Obviously, he's going to be a bit nostalgic about having a head. Who wouldn't be in his situation? He's a bit funny about getting to sleep at the moment ethan he gets too tired and then gets really grouchy and then he's too tired to get to sleep because he starts crying how do you know that though how do you know he's too tired well because he could be defiantly not going to sleep he could be worrying about being decapitated. He could be worrying about work very prematurely.

People say that about... It's like when people say, you know, that, oh, you can smell our dog on you. About dogs. And you say, how do you know that? He could be going out having adventures like an urban fox and sneaking back in. You're fox obsessed. That's your fox. I know, I am. So where do you get him off to

sleep, then? He, well, it's one thing we've... Do you get him off to sleep though he well it's um one thing we've do you rock him that works the rocking thing rocking he doesn't fall for rocking really no yeah you have to you can put him in the pram and just sort of push him back and forwards no that's motion sickness you're after okay or um the um the hair dryer or the hoover works oh lord's noticed that if she's hoovered, it'll distract him and he'll go off to sleep. So now, when he doesn't sleep, this week we will, like Laura, put the hoover on

just to make him go to sleep. She didn't put the suction too near to him, though. He wouldn't get much sleep in our flat. I'll tell you that, if he only sleeps with the hoovers on. Yeah, well, that might be why it is. It's because our place is an absolute pigsty, and he's like, I'm not going to sleep until you tidy up this. So, yeah, but that's a good thing, though.

But that means if you get up in the night and he can't sleep, you have to hoover. Yeah. It's a funny old life, isn't it? That's the same as Wayne Rooney. He needs the hoover and the vacuum cleaner to sleep. I you meant he was dusty he needs a good hoover he's got a lot of lint on him i find covered in lint frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio this is this is marquis smith laughing brilliant horrible i love it he'd be a great pirate wouldn't he he's the lead singer This is Mark E. Smith laughing. That is horrible.

I love it. He'd be a great pirate, wouldn't he? He's the lead singer with The Fall, in case you don't know, and The Fall are the best band in the world. Hey, we had a really sweet text, which I'd like to read out. Morning, Frank. I've never listened to your show before, but then I'm never up this early on a Saturday,

but I'm now taking IVF injections every morning at 7am. So I've discovered... Who was that from? She doesn't have to name. No, people are a bit... That's lovely, though. I know. I didn't know you had to have injections with IVF.

Oh, God, yes. Do you? Yeah. Okay. Well, good luck with that, anyway. And they didn't leave a name. We're going to call you IVF. Yeah.

Like Malcolm X. Oh, IVF's on the line, yeah. So good, keep us in touch if it works. Good luck, Ivy. Yeah, exactly. F-O. That was not... Okay.

So, I had a weird thing. When I... I got a car last week from the studio. Often I walk, I just want to make that clear. But I got a car because I was driving to West Brom to see us lose to Crystal Palace. Did your personal assistant organise it? Oh, shut your face.

Anyway, so I'm in the car and this, I don't know, I think he was part, he was East European, the driver. I hadn't met him before. And I always sit in the front, you know, man of the people. And also, I think if they suddenly have a seizure i can i can seize the wheel you know but anyway i was going along and a bloke started we stopped at lights and a bloke knocked on the window and the driver looked a bit scared and i said open the window and he said no and i said open the window and this bloke went oh frank how you doing all right and all that so we drove on i mean we drove on like 50 yards or less and the driver said uh you know him

and i said well um i didn't want to say i'm famous because that's a that's the worst thing anybody could ever say and i said um and i'm knocking into you at that very second an enormous well actually a normal size double decker bus pulled in front of us with a big advert with me on the back of the bus. Oh, brilliant. And I said, er, that's me. It was, it was only, only life could always be like that. I was so, it was absolutely brilliant. So I'd like to thank that bus driver. I don't think I've ever done that before. I'd like to thank that bus driver in the style of old

aged pensioners, okay? Thank you, driver. Absolute. Radio. Dave in I've heard on that before. I'd like to let that bus driver in the style of old age pensioners. Okay. Thank you, driver. Absolute radio. David Essex is in the studio. Can you believe that? He's already like one of the family. Yeah, he is, yeah. Just moved in. Refused the croissant, but gone for the cup of tea. Yeah, that's a very David Essex

thing to do. I imagine you're more of a bacon sandwich man. I like a bacon sandwich. You're a bit early for me. I'd probably move towards the brunch area for the bacon sandwich, I think. You see, I imagine you, and you know whenever you think of celebrities, you imagine them

in certain contexts. I imagine you up quite early in the morning, walking at the side of maybe a... I imagine you probably have a trout farm in the country. I don't. No, that's Roger Daughtry. No, but you know, I imagine you probably have a trout farm in the country. I don't. No, that's Roger Daughtry. No, but, you know, I imagine you in the country for some reason. Why would that be? You don't live in the country?

No, no, I live right in the centre of London. I wouldn't live in the country, I don't think. You know, I like the countryside, but you'd see a few trees and a couple of cows and that's about it. I agree, I agree with that. You know, but, I mean, it is a beautiful country, Britain. Don't get me wrong. Sorry. Don't worry.

I don't think our listeners are that touchy. David Essex slagging off England. I'm having it. The Countryside Alliance will be on the phone. Yeah, exactly. No, I mean, I come from West Ham, as you know. Yeah. And so I was born right in the city.

It was fascinating when the area I was born, because it was, as you know. Yeah. So I was born right in the city. It was fascinating the area I was born, because it was like 1948. And, of course, that was post-war, just after the war. Can you just leave a pause where I do the mathematics on that one? OK. I was 61. 61, who'd have believed that? Carry on, David. Yeah.

So there were half-houses, you know, where they'd been bombed, and then, because it was close to the docks, you had all these different nationalities coming off of the boats and Chinamen walking down the street. And, you know, it was fascinating. I always sit there if I see a Chinaman walking down the street. Oh, it's fascinating. If you went to Chinatown, you'd have a seizure. Probably. I'd get very excited. You would? Yeah. But, you know,

different nationalities all coming off the boats, and so I was born in the city, and I kind of, you know, I feel comfortable in the city, really. So, I think that's good, though, because I think it's very tempting people become successful. They buy a big house in the

country, and that's it. I'm glad you're still in there. Yeah. Good. You're on tour at the moment. Well, we start October the 12th. I think that's like Monday week, isn't it? Norwich. It's called the Secret Tour and it's 28 dates. Do you want us not to plug it then?

No, we'll talk about it. It's 28 dates and I'm looking forward to it because the last thing was a theatrical thing, a very successful tour of All the Fun and the Fair, which was a dark and edgy play with music, if you like, based around some of the songs I've written over the years, right from the early 70s right the way through to today.

And that really did well. That's scheduled for the West End, I think, the spring of next year. So to go out and do the concerts is nice because it's a freer medium. Yeah. You know, it kind of lives for that night and then you move on.

So looking forward to that. That's 28 dates. And then this other thing is in June next year, which I've got to negotiate getting out of all the fun of the fair to do. Right. Have you told them yet? No. Oh, OK.

They know now, though. That's going to be a blow when you don't turn up one night. Phil Daniels said, no, tell me, tell me you'll be all right. That'll be terrible. No, what will happen is they'll just say, you know, that I'm not on that night, and would they like another night, or are they OK to come and see whoever's doing it? OK. Well, maybe I should get in then.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and David Essex is in the studio and we've spoken about the fact that your tour starts on Monday week. It does. And that goes on, I think it ends up in Bournemouth, is that right? Yeah, yeah, the last night.

Which is where Gareth lives. So there you go. It is, yeah. Take the wife out, get a babysitter. It'll be fabulous. Now you've got another tour coming up next year, which is a bit more unusual. You mentioned it briefly before, but this is not just you.

No, it's the, I think, third time I've done this. And initially I didn't want to do it because I'm not big on nostalgia. But that was with David Cassidy, the Osmonds, myself and the Bay City Rollers. And I thought, oh, I don't know about that. But I'm glad I did it because it was like a celebration for a generation. It was really quite moving, the reaction. You know, we play arenas, so it's a big old audience. But it was just really...

It was kind of special, because you had all these people of an age, I suppose, from 40 to 60, that were relating to their influences. I mean, you know, for me, my influences musically, the strongest period that influenced me was obviously the 60s. So anything from the 60s, you know, I love to hear, where these people were kind of relating to stuff from the 70s. So I'm going to do it again.

And did you know these guys in the 70s? Were you friends with the Ottomans? No, no. Oh, really? No, never met any of them. See, I kind of imagine with you doing Top of the Pops and that, you'd have all known each other. No, never met anybody that was on that tour.

Oh, right. So this time it's slightly different because Leo Sayer's doing it this time. You must have met Leo Sayer. No, I've met him. Really? No. I'm a recluse. Well, you were a bit aloof in those days, didn't you?

No, aloof. No, no, I just, you know, I don't do the parties. I don't, you know, I don't court sort of media attention or any of that. But you didn't even do that in the 70s? No, never. No. Wow. God, the temptations.

Because I've got a mate, Dennis Leary, who's an American comic. I don't know if you know him, an actor. And I remember talking, and your name cropped up once, and he talked about, he said Rock On absolutely was so massive in America. It still is. It's like a legend over there.

Yeah. It's amazing. And it influenced, I mean, the lead singer of R.E.M., that's the reason he went into music. Is that right? Yeah, all these things.

I mean, it's been number one three times there. That's amazing. I know. It's incredible. things. I mean, it's been number one three times there. That's amazing. I know, it's incredible. But, I mean, that was an interesting record to make because I was doing That'll Be The Day at the time, so we were basically doing a film in the 70s, middle 70s, that was about what it was like to grow up as a working-class boy in the 50s.

So I just thought I'd write a lyric that reflected all the Americana influences you know like James Dean Summertime Blues all those things for the film and we went in and recorded it and I gave it to David Putnam who was

the producer and he said oh no it's too weird we can't put it in the film and then there was a run in too weird we can't we can't put it in in the film and uh and then there was a run-in with columbia records because uh we've done two trout written two tracks rock on and another one that was more more kind of usual and they wanted the other one as the a sign i said no of course they did yeah no let's go with this one and it sold i don't know 23 million worldwide and they never troubled us again, which was great. So we could experiment in the studio,

banging fire extinguishers in lamplight, dropping a gong into a bath of water for the end of Stardust, you know, Ray Cooper. Wow, fantastic. That's what happens at the end. I remember singing rock on in the street, walking down Langley Eye Street, a bit drunk. That must have been a sight. Yeah, singing, yeah, rock on, and street in that walking down langley eye street a bit drunk that must have been a side

yeah singing yeah rock on and doing the voice you know doing the voice and that's like the cheeky smile i tried the cheeky smile didn't come out quite it's working now it's working for me it's took me that long it's still working for you well done so look um so let me get this right your tour starts a week monday you've got an ep out at the moment. Is that out yet? Yeah, it's on the David Essex website, but at the concerts as well, where most of my recent albums are, www.davidessex.com.

And I enjoy doing this because it's unplugged, which is something I've never done before. The next album I might record similarly. I might write new songs. You're going to strip it all down? Yeah, it seems to work. It is a test of a song if you do that. And your voice as well, of course.

Yeah, I suppose so. Sorry, I didn't want to worry you about that. Yeah, I'm very worried. And then next year you'll be touring with Leo Sayer, The Oseman's and the Basie Rollers. Which I'm looking forward to. And you've got a circus coming to the West End? No, all the fun of the fair. All the's and the Basie Rollers. Which I'm looking forward to and then... And you've got a water circus coming to the West End? No, all the fun of the fair. All the fun of the fair, of course. Sorry about that.

I knew there was some sort of entertainment thing in it. Well, see, you obviously get yourself busy. I hope someone's looking after the trout farm while all this is going on. It's better than a real job, Frank. Exactly. Well, it's great to have you on. We love you. Ladies and gentlemen, the marvellous David Essex. Thanks a lot, David. Exactly. Well, it's great to have you on. We love you. Ladies and gentlemen, the marvellous David Essex.

Thanks a lot, David. Thank you. I've become slightly fluid. I'm no longer... I've noticed that. Yeah, yeah. You're slightly leaking out of your trousers. I have never been. I mean, I have never been so insulted. Can I just make that point? The only thing that can possibly

cheer me up is... David Essex was a bit of a silver fox, I thought. Yes. Were you surprised he's got grey hair? No, but in a good way. I like that. I know, he's... He's still got it.

But you kind of know with a bloke like that. He was never going to... If they've got the eyes, I think you stay good-looking forever if you've got the eyes. Yeah. Although I thought that about Bridget Bardot, and, you know, she looks like... got the eyes i think i think you stay good looking forever if you've got the eyes yeah although i thought that about bridget bardow and you know she looks like uh well she looks like a state and kidney being very careful what you're going to say that's what she looks like a state and

kidney pie with eyes and i don't mean that in a bad way oh what you mean it in a nice way yeah obviously with her actually it would have to be a vegetarian pie let's say um some sort of squat butternut squash i think she pie. I think she looks great. You think she looks great? You do not. We were having this debate actually in the week I met up with Emily and Gareth because we do hang out. You might think we're just

colleagues. And what happens is Frank's personal assistant calls us and says, do you want to meet? I can't believe you were having a go at me for being starry hanging out with the world's strongest men. And when I say strongest, I'm talking BO, if you know what I'm saying. Yes, yes. So jealous.

Yes, I bet something went on. You know what, if you know what I'm saying, Gareth, don't you? She has a bruised wrist, and that worries me a lot. That's from when Louis-Philippe picked me up. Yeah, exactly. What did he pick you up? Swing you own by your arm or something what was he trying to clear a flying ant invasion he picked me up like a dumbbell he doesn't know his own strength he does know his own strength actually they are people who definitely know their own strength

yeah they've got all they've got all the all the figures so what i uh i spent my uh i've done some odd stuff this week oh Oh yeah. I had a slightly difficult situation. I've been seeing a physiotherapist. Why? About, I've got, my shoulder's been hurting. So she said my posture's not very good. And I

went in this week and she'd been looking me up on YouTube to see if when I was on stage, I hunched if that was what was she's you have this theory that me talking to the audience was hunching me over so i lean i was leaning it's an interesting stand-up comedian repetitive strain injury theory but i didn't know she was going to do this and she's a very like respect i mean she you know recently she went away camping with the local church so So her looking me up on YouTube,

people who only hear me on this show will be astonished to hear that I can be something of a potty-mouthed comedian. You'll be astonished to hear that, because on here I'm very family-friendly. But she had looked it up, and she said, I looked at your stuff on YouTube, i felt i felt deeply ashamed and it there was an awkward the whole did you because you'd see your blue material exactly did she no longer think it was about hunching but just about your moral decay yeah she thought it was like the golem that's what i'd done my pastoring i was like a sinister imp is what she thought used to

drive a sinister imp in the uh 70, but that's enough about cars. Now he's got a bluey green BMW. Yeah, don't start on the casting, I'm telling you. So this week I did a voiceover. I had to read Ozzy Osbourne's audiobook. Extraordinary. Yeah, because Ozzy Osbourne, well I presume he can read,

but he didn't want to. He wrote it ish, right? And i had to i had to read it out did you do what accents when you did it well the bloke said to me like there was you know he says that i didn't do it as obviously i wasn't oh i was i couldn't do that for three hours you couldn't sustain it no i mean i barely managed that for a second and a half but um i had to do some yeah there's bits of him talking to American characters, and the guy said, can you do an American accent, which I can't really.

Oh, do your American accent. So I had to say stuff like, the thing is, Ozzy, if you eat that bat, there's going to be trouble. You know, stuff like that. And as I was saying it, I could feel myself squirming even more, which again, I think has damaged my posture.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, what a show! That's what I think. Now, did you say there's a big fuss? We're moving to the end of the show, but I'm bringing up

a new topic as if we're just starting. Does that mean I can't talk about Strongmen anymore? Have you got anything else to say about Strong men i'm gonna talk about them all the time oh i know you are but you don't have to do it on air okay give people a break for goodness sake with their horrible sinuous arms like madonna hey i made up a name for their wives and girlfriends swags strong man wives and girlfriends isn't that. Yeah. Swag bags you could call them. It would be swags. Because strongman is two words or is it one word? It's just one word.

See, I said we shouldn't talk about it. I wanted to talk about John Lewis's window in London. Tell us about it. They've got their Christmas window now. All their Christmas window displays. Already? I like that, you see. I do not understand the people who say, I can't believe they're selling Christmas cards in October and all that, you see. I do not understand the people who say, oh, I can't believe they're selling Christmas cards in October

and all that kind of stuff. Have you ever sat at a Christmas lunch table with all the family and crackers and you've got paper hats on, there's chestnuts warming on the fire, a bit of turkey and all that, you're sitting talking about the old days, drinking sherry, and one of you says, I sorry i can't enjoy this because they had christmas cards in uh in the shops in october nobody's ever said that they always say it ruins christmas it doesn't make any difference to christmas whatsoever

so shut up about it i've got a picture of one of the windows here though and they've got it'll be great on radio you want to describe i'm gonna'm going to describe what it says on the screen. Don't scream. I had a big think up and I said too loud. You've broken absolute radio. One of those Christmas trees in the window, in this picture that I am seeing, that I am describing to you, is upside down. Yes. An upside

down Christmas tree, isn't that Satanism? I think it's Santa. Santa, of course, is an anagram of Satan, as many have pointed out. Yeah. I think it's Santa. Santa, of course, is an anagram of Satan, as many have pointed out. Yeah. I think they have a lot of Australian shoppers. I'm sorry, that's the best thing I could come up with. It was thrown to me, you know, I took the ball and I ran with it.

I ran into a post, is what happened. Is the show ending with a slight damp squib of a whimper? Well, because you've brought up Christmas, haven't you? And it's so early. I was thinking, well, next week could be our Christmas special just to wind, really wind people up. Everyone else, I'm ringing. Et cetera, et cetera.

I'm going to wear a Santa suit. Yay! I bet you have worn one of those shorty Santa suits in the past, haven't you? Probably one you were with the strong men who probably don't know what day it is, I imagine, from their terrible exertions day in and day out, pulling planes. I mean, who pulls a plane, for goodness sake? How annoying. Does he have to respond to the man doing semaphore on the runway?

You have to do it for the stupid big strongman. I like to imagine them pulling the plane so fast they can fly it like a kite. You know what? I just like to imagine them. Oh, me too. No, I find them a bit creepy, if I'm going to be brutally honest. Good day to you.