The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Derren Brown

Episode Date: April 4, 2009

Would ya bloody believe it, Derren Brown guested this week and told Frank how he does every trick under the sun. Or did? Let your lug holes be the judge.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

So it's podcast time again. Welcome, I'm with Emily and Gareth as always. Hello. That was very, very well synchronised, that was excellent. Have you ever tried swimming together? I think we should now. Yeah, it's a nice idea. Perhaps we should all, I can't swim, actually.

Maybe you could swim either side of me and hold my arm to keep me... Like, you know when you see a child out with his parents and they swing the child in between? I used to... That was one of my favourite things when I was a kid.

But you might drag us down. Yeah. Oh, that's rather mean, Gareth. That would be fabulously symbolic of the show. It's about time I got my own bat. So that was me leaving on horseback. Let's do the podcast. Absolute.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth, as always. Hello. Hello. And Gareth didn't say that. How do you account for that? He sort of grunted, didn't he? I said, Mama. Yeah, that's become your catchphrase there. I just made a sound.

So, have you had a bet today? Because apparently, according to the news, half the adult population are having a bet on the Grand National. Wow, so at least one of us should have. Oh, well, there's three of us, so... One and a half. I haven't bet. At least. Well, if one of us has a bet, the other one enters the sweep. Yes.

Do you know the sweep? I'm not really... I'm not really into betting, Frank. No, well, it's the very... Can I say that the absolute radio is in no way recommending that people gamble? It's a very dangerous business. But the Grand National, I must admit, I have always had a bet on it. I kind of like the Grand National.

It takes me back to my childhood, partly because my dad used to make us watch it, and partly because one of my main joys as a child was jumping through people's privet hedges. In those days, everybody had privet around their house. I used to think that maybe it was called privet because it's what people used to keep their garden private, as it were. Everybody. In London, I know I should explain explain people who don't know me i used to live in in the west midlands and i moved to london which is a large conurbation in the southeast of england and we used to we just used to run through people's privy edges it was one of

the and it's quite hard to get through because it's it's quite um coarse and and and sturdy and that's basically what the grand national is. It's horses doing that. Except the fences don't seem to have, like, pop bottles, chip paper, and the occasional adult magazine in them, the way the Privy did. So I like it for that. I've also thought as well that the Grand National

sounds like that isn't the complete title. That sounds like two adjectives on their way to a noun. Like it should be the Grand National Championship or something like that isn't the complete title that sounds like two adjectives on their way to a noun like it should be the grand national championship or something like that yeah grand national yeah and then it ends it's like that um you know there's that crime novel called the long firm i'm always looking for the last word on the cover and it's never there so you're not even gonna have a bit no definitely not i just i don't know i'm quite it's not that i'm anti-gambling but i just i do get the fear you're anti-horses is that the truth i just i get terrified of the idea of losing money i think

it just scares me if i'm totally honest this must be a very harrowing period for you then it being one of the biggest recessions of all time my my mum's side of the family used to gamble quite a lot. My grandad used to gamble. I didn't think it went very well for him. Your hesitation suggests it was a bit of a problem. Have we dug up something a bit? I think, yeah, he did it quite a lot. Right, he was a compulsive gambler.

So it didn't make it attractive to me. No. Right, he was a compulsive gambler. So it didn't make it attractive to me. No. My granddad was a compulsive gambler. Yeah, he was always covered in grass, mud. Oh, God. Now, like I say, we're not suggesting that... I once did a gig with Red Rom. You know Red Rom the racer?

Yeah. I turned up for a corporate gig, and it was me and Red Rom on the bill. And they didn't want me to do any comedy. They basically wanted people to have their photos. So people lined up to have their photos with Red Rom. You genuinely did a gig with Red Rom? I did a gig.

It was just me and Red Rom on the bill. Oh, weird people. Yeah, and I did 20 minutes of comedy and people were like oh yeah come on we just want our

photos to get the comedy out bring on the horse bring on the horse well during the comedy I suggested I said well how do we know it's Red Rom

if you come to think about it I said you know on a busy weekend there's probably two dozen of these you know Christmas they're sending out

Great Danes and the bloke who was with Red Rom got quite upset about it but yes so then people lined up and had their photo took with me and then people lined up and had their photo took with red rum did you hit it off with red rum well we didn't share a dressing room no you didn't go no we could if you didn't hit it off really well you might have woken up with him and then it would have been like the godfather except it's not just the head it was the whole horse oh yeah i remember it might not have been like that we might have gone on and got on well and became very and had a stable relationship absolute so i'd hear something on the subject of horses um because as i, half the adult population is betting on the National today.

Except for me. Yeah. I don't think you can say half the population, except for you. I'm assuming you're in the after art. I was in Australia, and I was in a museum in Melbourne, and there's a horse in there called Far Lap. Far Lap was a famous Australian racehorse. called Far Lap.

Far Lap was a famous Australian racehorse. And his body, his sort of, well, actually not his body, his sort of skin is in that museum. I think his heart is in a place in Canberra and his skeleton is in another one. And I looked at this horse. It's like a stuffed horse. I couldn't see any scars on it at all and i thought how the hell did they get the skeleton out of this without cutting the skin and do you remember there used to

be a program called it's a knockout when you had to put a grand piano through a letterbox you had to smash it into bits of them I wondered if they found an opening on the horse where they could remove the whole... You know when sometimes you see musicians take their shirt... Not musicians, magicians. We've got Derren Brown enough to maybe even do it. They take their shirt off, they just grab the back of their shirt and the whole shirt comes off.

I wonder if that's what you do with a horse skeleton. You just raise the tail, get a good grip on the coccyx. Like a tablecloth. Yeah. And then, whoa! And the thing comes out. I'm going to the West Brom Stoke this afternoon, so if I see a police horse, I might try it.

Give it a go. Just get behind the horse and the skeleton comes out and the policeman's suddenly sitting on a big big brown velvet bean bag, wondering what's happened. I think that would be marvellous. Now, one thing we want to do this week, we love it when people send in texts and the like. And I've got, that rattle of paper is me getting my thing that's got the text on. If you want to text us, you can text us on 8 12 15, or you can email us on the Absolute Radio website, which is absoluteradio.co.uk.

Oh, God. You know, UK. They're all co-UK if they're not com. absoluteradio.co.uk slash Frank Skinner. What if someone's just turned now, and I've said slash Frank Skinner. What if someone's just turned now and I've said slash Frank Skinner and it's put some sort of message into their brain and they're waiting

outside with a big banana machete? I think that's definitely going to happen. I can't see any way around that. I'm not going to get out. He was there when I came in. What struck me though, I don't know what you two think about this well I do because we discussed the idea before

but I always pretend that these things are just happening spontaneously people I think, some people kind of know a bit about me but they don't know much about you two about Emily and Gareth so I thought you can have questions nice questions can I point out

no ex-boyfriends please, being abusive. Can I flag that up right here? Nice, lovely, warm-hearted humane questions for Emily and Gareth. So you can find out a bit more about them and I think that would be lovely. I'll tell you what I was a bit worried about this week. Basil Brosh

and Postman Pat have been, basically lost them to an American company. I think the British company, something's gone wrong with it. I don't understand. I don't know the details of the... Oh, no, it's the credit crunch hit them.

It is, yeah. Oh, no. Brosh and Pat. Brosh and Pat. I thought they were going to be privatised anyway, the post office. It looks like Pat's fallen, he's fallen at the final hurdle

to keeping the Grand National theme. And so they could become American. the post office. It looks like Pat's fallen, he's fallen at the final hurdle to keep in the Grand National theme. And so they could become American-owned. So they're going to change the accents? Hey, Pat, how you doing? I'm fine. I'm having a great day in Greendale. Yeah, boom, boom. But they have changed, do you see Basil Brush on the telly now? He wears like a hooded top. He's like Foxy Bingo.

He was the precursor for Foxy Bingo. Yeah, he was. I like Basil Brush, though. I was a big fan of his. Was he sort of John the Baptist to Foxy Bingo's Messiah? He was. Yeah, I've never thought of Basil Brush, you know. I've worked with Basil Brush, I might tell you.

That's quite some boast. In fact, what about this for a boast? Basil Brush was on my This Is Your Life. He was one of the guests. It was all done at the London Palladium, and suddenly a voice

went, Mr Frank! Mr Frank! And it wasn't David although he did call me that. It was, up in the Royal Box was Basil Brush. But there was a bit of a terrible thing because the bloke who, it was a lovely bloke called Ivan Oner, used to operate, the original Basil Brush person. I think, God bless him, he'd had a bit of a, well, I don't know anyway,

but I think he might have had a drink. I don't want to cast aspersions because I get hay fever from them but he'd had a bit of a drink and there was this thing where he said Mr Frank, Mr Frank and he started talking about it and he went Mr Frank I remember when we and it sounded like Basil Brush was drowning

it was the most terrifying sound and then he had another go and he went no no, Mr Frank. And me and David Baddiel were crying. I have never laughed so much on television in my life. Poor, oh, man, poor Basil. And what happened? I'll tell you after this break.

OK. Absolute. Oh, man, it was amazing. And I must say, Basil Brush made a fantastic breakfast the next morning. Where were we? Oh, yeah, so, what else? What were you talking about, the credit crunch and plastic surgery? Oh, yeah, apparently plastic surgery is down.

Oh, we had an email. We've had an email. It's a bit that we don't get many, so it's quite exciting. We'll come back to plastic surgery. We should clap like the girls of the Playboy match. OK. Yay! Don't mention that. We'll come back to Plastic Surfer. We should clap like Girls of the Playboy Mansion. OK. Yay! Don't mention that, you'll start me off.

Alex, aged 11, said, My dad is a betting shop manager. I could get you lots of tips. Aged 11? Yes, aged 11. That's great. I like the idea of a sort of a bookie's runner. A little artful dodger type character.

I could do some deals. If you get in touch direct, I'll sort you out. I had a girl when I was at school. Thanks, Alex. And her dad was a bookmaker. And I had visions of him sitting there with these leather-bound first editions of Dickens. And then the Greek columns outside the house

were a bit of a giveaway that maybe not. But no, I was very disappointed when I found that out. He wasn't an actual bookmaker. Bookmaker. Yeah, it does sound like someone who makes books it's a reason it's like turf accountant why don't they just come out and say i'm a turf accountant sounds like what some bloke in a suit who does his job from a lawn of some kind it is i don't what are they ashamed of it's a it's a noble profession what is he saying plastic surgery yes, plastic surgery is down because of the credit crunch, apparently. People are having less done. So not only are we getting poorer, we're getting less good looking.

We're getting older. Yeah. That's quite a good thing, isn't it? Looking worse. Probably. But the thing is, it's not the people who don't have it. It's the people who go cheap. Never go cheap. Never go cheap.

No, exactly. You see, people like Sharon Osbourne, she does look really good, I think. You're not saying Sharon Osbourne has had plastic surgery. I never know. I'm so naive. Don't tell me you didn't know that. I was saying to Emily earlier, God, you know, Madonna looks... Madonna's in the paper, and because she's in Malawi and it's quite hot,

and I think she's trying to look down to earth and not too rock and roll, she's not wearing any makeup. And to my amazement, well, you know, she's like, yeah, it's the Africa thing. You know, we've had the ice cream cone basque, and now it's the Africa look. But she looks fantastic with no makeup on and then Emily says to me well you know I think she has had a bit of work

and it never crossed my mind that Madonna had had plastic surgery we don't know that she has it's not the official policy of Absolute Radio to say that Madonna I mean it's rumoured that she has and her work I think is good and quite expensive work

which is why you can't tell you see that's the idea I think because i i had botox once i'm going to confess you are did you really yeah about this morning no it was about four years ago and i don't know why everyone kept saying to me oh you you look really angry and i had these two little lines can you see them in the middle of my forehead there like frown oh god i can see them i could strike a match on them, were it allowed in this board. Well, I had it done, and then it was really, I started to get the fear that I would look like Tweety Pie, and my forehead would just be this giant flat surface.

So I then thought, also, I've really got to... You could be used as a whiteboard at conferences. Nice work, surface. Hold on a minute. Let's not go before our horse to market. When you you had it done what do they do exactly they put easy botulism somebody told me they just inject you with botulism yeah and your head is so terrified it tenses up and that's what paralyzes the muscles so i i just had two injections there and it stops you frowning so it stops the lines forming basically right yeah

what do you do if you're not happy about something well no one ever knows which is great you always carry a marker pen and you can put in some frown line but no i did decide after that i just felt i did feel a bit nervous because people don't know that much about it i suppose yeah and also i was worried that it didn't you know when people get work done and you just think, oh, she's had work done. You don't think she looks young. Well, I don't, but you do. I always think she looks nice. Well, if I spent a lot of money having plastic surgery,

I'd want people to know I'd had it done. You know, in a Michael Jackson sort of way. I think he thinks, well, I'm having this done. I want people to know. Oh, you think he's deliberately taken that. Yeah. You think he had it done the first time and took the bandages off?

He said, oh, way too natural. Can you make the nose sort of more pointy and more, hang in a bit more tentatively? Okay, good. That's, I hadn't thought of that. Some more visible scars. That's what he wants. Well, I think if Madonna's a,

see, people take the mickey out of Madonna. I think she looks marvelous. Oh, I think she looks brilliant. She's like, what, 51? Did you see those photos of her bandaged up? She had, like, white bandages and white pants on recently. She looked fantastic. I've decided that's my look.

51-year-old heavily bandaged woman with a sort of 1972 Charlie's Angels flick at the front of her hair. If you go down the Burns unit, you'd love them there. Do you have contacts down there? I might be able to sort you out. Although, we did have Alex email back

and he said what did he say? Come on, this is so unprofessional. Alex 11 from the betting shop says, sure we can come to some arrangement? Oh, OK. Well, OK.

Absolute. Can I just say, Frank was drumming so ferociously during that. You looked like Animal from The Muppets. I work with Animal from The Muppets. Not the actual puppet, but Ronnie Verrill, who used to play the drums. What puppet haven't you worked with? I've worked with most puppets. I never did Lenny the Lion. It was a bit

before my time. That was the fall by the way doing that Lie Dream of a Casino song which at the moment is my favourite fall trail but it changes every day. I went to see the fall this week. I went to see them at the Junction in Cambridge on Tuesday night and then I went to see them at the Junction in Cambridge on Tuesday night, and

then I went to see them at Coco in Camden in North London, which is a conurbation in the south-east of England on Wednesday night. How was it? It was great. The lead singer with the Fall, in case you don't know, is a guy called Mark E. Smith and he was in a wheelchair, he broke his hip

so it gave it a slight Richard III feel to the whole thing. And he does a thing on stage. Normally he walks around and he changes all the settings on everyone's amplifier. So suddenly he'll switch the bass off or really, really loud or guitar really quiet. He just messes about.

I think just because he can to show he's him. And even in the wheelchair, he still made the effort to go around. There was one quite tall amplifier. He actually had to get out of the chair, support himself with the speaker, so he could twiddle with the knobs. Were there ramps? Did they have to set up ramps? There was a ramp at the London gig,

but in Cambridge, there was a bit where he sort of got wedged in the door, and he did the last song with his back to the audience, half on the stage and half off. But that's all pretty normal at a four gig. Was he in a wheelchair because it had a four? That's absolutely splendid. I think that's the trailer for this week's show. Sort it out.

We've got it right there. If you're listening, Mark, I apologise for that. So was it two consecutive gigs? Two consecutive gigs, yeah. That's how much you love them? I've seen them four consecutive gigs. That's the most I've seen them.

I saw them seven times in two weeks once. It's an obsession, I admit that. I should tell you, in case you wonder what Conan Mann and Mark E. Smith is, they played on later with Jules Holland, and he insisted it was written into the contract that at no point could Jules Holland accompany them on boogie-woogie piano.

Now that surely is commonsensical. The other great thing about Mark Eastsmith, and there are many great things, is that considering he's been a vocalist in a band for, like, whatever it is now, 30 years, he always looks completely nonplussed at the sight of a microphone. He sort of holds a microphone and goes, oh, and looks at it, and he looks at the back where it joins the wire and all that in a very, like, confused way.

Have you met him? I have met him. I've met him a couple of times yet which i was uh so excited i can't tell you it was it was like being like loving someone and then meeting them it was like if i met if you met henry the eighth would be very and i imagine he'd be slightly nonplussed by a microphone so yeah there's there's a henry the eighth exhibition i should say in case you don't listen to this show every week I know not all of you do I think what we're gathering a call following

that's what I like Emily has a slight thing about Henry VIII which I think is destined to be an unrequited love obviously I'm going to see him next week it's his armour or something I'm going to use crib, Hampton Court.

I'm going to hang about with Henry at his crib next week. There's the armoury exhibition. Is this interesting to anyone? I hope so, at the Tower of London. And then there's another exhibition in Hampton Court. Right. And I might be going to one today as well. Is it a big Henry VIII

festival? Yeah, it's 500 years since his accession to the throne. Well, of course being a Catholic, I'm not a massive fan of Henry VIII, but perhaps we shouldn't go into the history of the Reformation on an absolute. It could be a bit... I'll tell you something, I've got some very exciting

news to do with fame and celebrity. I mean, it's like the greatest honour of all. Absolute. And Basil Brush made the best breakfast. That was Lily Allen with the fear. And the thing that's happening to me is that I've been...

This is very exciting for me. I know you might sneer, but I've been inducted, I'm going to be inducted. They're going to put docked into me. I'm going to be inducted into the Birmingham Walk of Stars. Wow. You don't start with that tone. You live in Bournemouth. What's the Bournemouth walk of stars like?

Max Bygraves, that's it. Yeah. But, yeah, we've got, so it's like, you know in Hollywood

where there's indentations in the pavement type of thing. It's a bit like that with stars and all that. And they've got Ozzy Osbourne and Tony Iommi

who's the guitarist with Sabbath. And Jasper Carrot. Jasper Carrot, you guessed it. Who else? Another guess. Noddy Holder? Noddy Holder's not actually from Birmingham, he's the guitarist with Sabbath. And Jasper Carrick? Jasper Carrick, you guessed it. Who else? Noddy Holder? Noddy Holder's not actually from Birmingham.

He's from Wolverhampton. But he is on it. I don't know quite how he got it. Adrian Childs? He should be on it. He's not on it, no. I think the idea is you have to have filled a major Birmingham venue. I've got Murray Walker on this list.

Murray Walker. What venue has he done? Racing guy. Yeah, he used to gig a lot, Morrie Walker. Welcome to the gig! Oh, you're all sitting there! I'm about to do something! Yay!

Yeah, so Morrie Walker's on there. Is he from Birmingham? He must be. He doesn't sound like he's from Birmingham. No, but I mean, he's had to change that. You couldn't have. So we're coming up to lap 17. It's pretty scary.

What was you going to say, Gareth? Oh, no, I was about to do a Birmingham Murray Walker, but you did that. So, sorry. So speaking of, it's all about getting in first in this business. You'll learn that as you get older. Is there any questions coming for you two yet? Nothing. I can't believe it.

We're asking our listeners to send in questions this morning to Gareth and Emily, because I don't feel you know them well enough. I don't think they want to know us. Well, I think they do. Don't sulk about it. Text 81215 or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Just look for the slash Frank Skinner bit. So you moved this week didn't you yes that doesn't happen that often no we moved into like a slender loris in that respect you're calling me lazy go on you move there's something going on upstairs no there's nothing going on upstairs because we just moved to a bungalow um because we're having a baby so we needed somewhere with

another bedroom so we moved into a bungalow this we're having a baby so we needed somewhere with another bedroom so we moved into a bungalow. This is your married man, aren't you? Yes, to my wife, Laura. Okay. And we... It's quite... It's stressful moving. Like, it's supposed to be

as stressful as divorce or... Or bereavement. Or bereavement. We nearly had all three of those this week. Oh, no. But it was... I didn't know.

I had to organise the people who were going to come and move. And in the end, we had two lovely men with a van, one called Wade. That's quite traditional. Two men with a van, I think, is a common enough method. You can pay a lot more and they do a lot more for you. Well, I've heard that. But they want to come round.

I didn't know... Well, how are they going to move the stuff if they don't come round? What was he going to email it? Even to give you a quote. Even to give you a quote. They want to come and have a look at your stuff. Well, that's fair enough. You might have nine people. No, it's not my stuff. We've got the same

stuff as everybody else. Can you stop shouting? You're ruining the absolute radio speakers. Yeah, so we did, and I was sorting that out. And then on that day, my wife is pregnant. Can I say, before you go into this story, is that when I moved, the last time I moved, I paid this removal company, and I didn't touch.

They just came round, and they just wrapped everything up in my house. And I didn't, I wasn't even there. I went away, and when I got back, everything was in my house and i didn't i wasn't even there i went away and when i got back everything was in the new house it was fantastic they wrapped it all up but they wrapped up like dirty cops um a newspaper they just throw them around as well like it was they put the chris packers back in exactly where you want them brilliant no everything was still wrapped so my entire life it was still wrapped. So my entire life, it was like, you know, that artist who wraps buildings. It was like that.

They wrapped the whole thing and then put it in the new house. And I didn't have to touch, I didn't have to pack anything. I wouldn't like that. I don't want the meddling in my drawers. It was like Christmas. I can't believe you said that. Again, that's the trailer sorted out. Oh, my God.

Absolute. So that was EMF with Unbelievable. That's a great track, isn't it? Love that song. I once sang that with Alan Hansen. Within just going, unbelievable. It's true, isn't it, Gareth? Yes, I do.

Gareth reminded me. Yes, on telly. Oh, those are the days speaking of telly I cried I didn't just cry I sobbed I made a noise crying

a friend of mine he was a little bit campy he was a lovely guy he got shushed on Golden Pond he was at the cinema and he cried so loudly anyway the thing is that what i what i watch is not traditionally known as a weepy i was watching um e entertainment channel and i don't know if you know that's a satellite channel and there's

a program called girls of the playboy mansion which is about h Hugh Hefner and his three blonde-haired girlfriends. That sounds like a classy programme. Well, you say that. You say, yeah, you go, Em knows it. You say, that's it. People who haven't seen it, you see, they think, oh, that's going to be squalid. But in fact, it's like a lovely, friendly family atmosphere between him and the three girls who are a quarter of his age.

It's like the Waltons with silicon, basically, isn't it? Yes, and swearing and quite a lot of nudity, but, you know, can I say absolute radio champion nudity? So they live with him in the Playboy Mansion? Yes, the way it kind of works is that one of them, I think, sleeps with him and then the other two come in now and again when called. They can't just walk in when they feel like it. There's probably a buzzer.

But that side of it's left very vague, which is nice. Yeah, there's no... None of that's on camera. I mean, it's reality, but hi. Anyway, this week was the last episode and the girls basically have decided to leave and one of the girls has gone and she's met someone else and one of the girls has got a programme called Bridget's beaches where she looks at various beaches across the world and the other one she

wanted a child with the hef and he just wouldn't do it so she's and you know i really the splitting up of the three girlfriends and the leaving of the playboy mansion i honestly i i wept yeah anyone though who thinks i'm messing about you should if you ever you know when you flip through you know if you've got satellite you get that

like blue thing come up with a list of all the programmes there's loads of programmes on that which I've never seen and I'm intrigued there's one called

The Dog Whisperer you introduced me to the Dog the Bounty Hunter oh Dog the Bounty Hunter I watch regularly we should go into that later but The Dog Whisperer

I've never seen it but it always seems to be on there's another one called like hell or maybe it's a dog that goes i don't know because i haven't seen it you know when you two have never had a dog ever would you tell me this one i was shocked i like when dogs some dogs they don't go straight into barking they don't whisper but they sort of cough it's like they're trying to just not go suddenly into barking they want a little bit of a ramp into it so you sit with the dog and it might hear something and he goes and into it they don't just go there because you could hurt your throat do they cough to cover the fact that they're talking so if someone says something they don't agree with they go

i think the dog whisperer does that there's another program called beyond we what's that well beyond we there's more to it than that. But because it's a long title, you only get Beyond We dot, dot, dot. So I've no idea what it's beyond. It could be beyond The Dog Whisperer. Oh, OK. Well, it must be beyond

something that begins with... Perhaps it's Beyond We and it's about the major advances in computer games. Anyway, I cry easy. I'll be honest with you. I tell you what, Dead Poets Society

always makes me cry, where the boys stand up on the desks Oh, don't start. So, my captain, my captain, oh, every time, just every, do you ever film like that? Every time. Oh yeah, I, you know, I have, you know, in The Lion King, there's a bit where they hold

Simba up on Pride Rock as they're singing Circle of Life. I'm actually crying a bit now. I think I cry when they rip the antelope to pieces. Yeah. One of the songs that makes me cry is a song called Old Shep by Elvis Presley, which is about a dog that's going to... I think he shoots. It's not clear whether he shoots.

He reaches for a gun and then he talks about it being in dog heaven. If you put two and two together, I don't know what's happened in the meantime, but it's never good. Absolute. Guess what? Darren Brown is in the studio. Darren Brown is in the studio.

Darren Brown. We needed more opera there. It's Darren Brown there, look. Darren, welcome. Welcome. That was there, look. Darren, welcome. Welcome. That was a lovely song. Yeah, thanks. Not what you sang.

I actually meant the Elvis Presley, but that was a lovely song. You build me up, you break me down, how typical of the British public. So not that you're a member of the public, it's a major star. It's great to have you on, Darren. And I should start straight away with saying that you're about to do a show in the west end of London. The west end of London, yes. Yeah, I'm touring for a bit, which is about to start, and then it comes into the Adelphi on the Strand in mid-June, mid-June to mid-July.

So that's quite exciting, quite looking forward to that. It's a lovely theatre. Yeah. Yeah. I should say, by the way, that Darren is hovering about three foot off the ground at the moment. And he's on fire. Yeah. I should say, by the way, that Darren is hovering about three foot off the ground at the moment. And he's on fire. Yeah. How does he do these things? The man must be in league with the devil.

So, Darren, I saw you, what did you say, in concert? Is that how you described it? Oh, I like in concert. Yeah, let's say that. What would you normally say, live? Yeah, live. Yeah, you did. You kindly came to the last show.

Oh, kindly. We had a drink afterwards. I'm not kidding you. We drank goat blood over a bubbling cauldron. Yeah. It was fantastic. And I was with three people and he turned them into a three-piece suite. They were rushed into hospital. I phoned up the next morning. I said, how are they? They said, comfortable. Oh. I'm sorry. It's a very old joke, but it's just flowing. I'm so excited that you're here, don't worry. It's just flowing out of me. Can I say, though, I know people have to say nice things to guests,

but this is from my heart. That show is probably the most consistently brilliant theatre show I've ever seen. I was so excited. It was great. And I tell you what I have to be careful how I say this on the radio

but it made me swear a lot and I kept using this phrase was that you because it was really distracting I was really trying to focus at the time every time you did something very magical I used the phrase the second word of which was hell let me just say that

it had happened around go... Go to... Oh, hell! It was... I just... I was so amazed. I love being amazed. Oh, you're super kind. Thank you. That was the last one, but that was Evening of Wonders,

I think, which was... On at the Garrick. That's the one on telly. This is the... This'll be the new one. You'll have to come to that and swear during that, too. I know it was Evening of Wonders because I had an argument with my girlfriend about it in which I said,

what was the name of Darren's show last time we saw it? And she said it was Evening of Wonders. And I said, that wasn't, it's nothing like that. So I apologise if you're listening. I had to confuse it. It was Darren, it was Darren, we thought Darren Brown Mindreader and then Evening of Wonders.

And it got very confusing. We didn't know whether it was called we, as in me and the team, not weird royal we. We didn't know whether it was called Mindreader or Evening of Wonders either. So it wasn't until the TV version came out and they just ditched the Mindreader that it became clear. So it wasn't just me.

No, no, it wasn't just you. No, we were all confused. So, Darren, can you do magic? Can you do actual... Are you a magic person? I'm not going to ask you to do any now because it's on the radio. Well, it depends what you mean by magic. I think it all takes place, any sort of magic, even country magic,

it all takes place in the mind of the person that's watching. So, no, in a nutshell, the person isn't doing anything supernatural, but it's like comedy. If the person isn't finding it funny, then it isn't funny, I guess. You depend entirely on the reaction of the people that are watching and listening. And with magic and what I do, it depend entirely on the reaction of the people that are watching and listening. And with magic, and what I do, it happens entirely in the minds of the people watching. So you create an experience. You take somebody from

A to B, and if B doesn't seem like it couldn't possibly follow from A, then you've kind of failed. So it's, yes, it's real in the sense that it's real, but only exists in the other atmosphere. I'm not buying this. I see. I think a lot of things. No, no is the short answer. A lot of magicians, but a lot

of magicians say that they can do magic and they're tricksters. I think you're the other way around. I think you actually are a wizard of some kind. And you claim it's just like mind games and stuff like that. I think we will discover. Hang on. I think you're from the planet

Xenon. Right. That's what I'm saying. Is that Paul Xenon? No, not Paul Xenon. He comes from a much more minor satellite than you do, dare I know if it's any time. No, honestly, when I watched it, I was so gobsmacked. If anyone had told me how you did anything, I would have smacked them in the mouth.

I don't want to know. Do people usually want to know? No, I don't think they do, which is kind of nice. There were those shows a few years ago that exposed stage illusion and that kind of magic, with how you saw people in half and do all that, which I think missed the point a bit.

I don't think people do want to know. One thing I've always felt is quite a nice thing, is to kind of... I think magic over the years has traditionally sort of insulted people's intelligence i think i've tried to not necessarily to try to find a way of doing it that kind of engages people's intelligence rather than uh you know kind of making out you you can do something which people know at the end of the day you can't they know it's you know a technique or

something or something you've practiced hard enough i thought hard enough and you're not doing anything um genuinely supernatural. There's a time bomb with magicians, I think. I'm a sort of magician. I'm using the word magician. That's it. You said magician. Write that down. I've got a foot in that door. And you start off... All the great fascinating things about magic, mentalism, whatever you want to call it,

are normally things you can't really talk about because they're the methods that you're using or the things that just keep you going and you find it so fascinating. But you can't really talk about those because then you start to give away how you're doing it and part of it, you know, obviously is retaining the mystique. So the mystique, I think,

what a lot of magicians do then is they start to create this sort of two-dimensional mysterious personality to make up that kind of interest, to try and be interesting in a different way. And then, of course, people get sick of that. So it is tricky, but I think it's important to be honest, I think. Well, yeah, but I think you're lying. I think you're a wizard who's claiming to be a trickster.

That's what I think. Absolute. We're talking to Derren Brougham. When I say we, obviously, it's claiming to be a trickster. That's what I think. Absolute. We're talking to Derren Brown. When I say we, obviously, it's me, Emily and Gareth. Emily, you've got a bit of a sensational Derren Brown story. I have, which you were kind of indirectly involved in, Frank. I'm indirectly involved in so many interesting events. Well, a friend had invited us to a dinner party

and you'd very kindly agreed to give a, do I say performance? When she says you, she's looking at Darren. A concert. A concert, yeah. Do you do concerts in people's homes? As you start. But I remember, if I'm right, I think you'd agreed with the friend that you were going to send, that you'd sent a tape beforehand.

A cassette tape, that's right. Yes, and you'd said, hide it somewhere in the house and it was hidden behind a painting, which is rather brilliant. This was just an informal party. You sent a type of prediction saying... Camilla, we'd love to have you for dinner, if you'd like to do a little bit afterwards as well. That would be nice too.

It was brilliant. And then this tape was retrieved at some point, so there'd been no tampering or anything. It was put inside, and it was then played. And you then proceeded to you went through every single person sitting around the table and described exactly what we were wearing which totally freaked me out because you know you did it even to me and i was a civilian so i just thought well how would you it's not like you could google me and think oh she tends to wear you know

i should say when emily says civilian she doesn't mean this was a load of military she means that she was the only non-famous person. So you went round in great detail and you also said what we'd be, the food we were eating, the topics we'd be discussing. So we were all trying to work out... This was on the cassette that I'd seen a couple of weeks before. It can't be possible. But then, this is the really weird thing,

you then referred to Frank and you said to david baddiel who was there i'm afraid frank can't be with us tonight sadly he's had a piece of bad news but if he had come he would have been wearing purple yeah okay so over to you now frank yes what had happened is i had a big row with my girlfriend at the time i don't remember which one it was i probably got the postcard yeah Yeah, exactly. But I'd bombed into David Boudin in the street that day and said, look, I'm not coming tonight. I'm just really in a bad mood and blah, blah, blah. I'm just, you know, I'm sad

and all that. And I had a purple hooded top, which I almost never wore. I mean, it was only because I was staying in. I was wearing, I don't need nip tape for like a pint of milk. So it's just, it's beyond magic. Oh, you make it sound so good. I think you might have been sitting in a car outside all

of our houses at some point in the day just to see what we were wearing. I think we should throw you into water with your hands tied and see if you float. See what happens. So the question is, how did you do that? Well, you know, such a long time ago, I can't remember.

But you must see why people are upset. I mean, it's not just amazing, it's a little bit frightening. It's become like the grassy knoll, the purple top. We can't explain how it happened. It was years ago, that's nice to know you're still thinking about it. Well, obviously, if someone does magic in your house, it is something that you tend not to forget, I think. Yes, yes, I suppose so.

I love his whole nonchalant. He's nonchalant. It was, yeah, it was, yeah, he's right, it was a cassette I sent a few weeks ago, and the wife of the couple had hidden it, and I've only ever done it probably three times in my life. Do you know what, there probably were a few things on there that were wrong as well that maybe you're not remembering i don't know or maybe not they still got it i'll have to take with them i think people do help magicians a bit i don't know because if i remember a trick that someone's done

um i always add about three things to it to make it more amazing yeah that's an interesting aspect of it this goes back to what I was saying about it all happens in the person's head when you watch it. I think if you... I think actually the cassette was impossibly accurate, but in other situations, you'd have... If you've been... It could just be a card trick.

If you've been fooled by something, it's in your interest. It's like having a really nice holiday and wanting to tell people about it and engage them in how lovely it was. You have an interest in kind of exaggerating what happened a bit in order to get the story across

and to have people go, oh, wow, that is amazing. And also you don't want them going, well, hang on, he could have just, you know, picked up a deck of cards and switched them at that point. So you kind of go, no, you never touch the cards. You know, you start to,

you embellish it to make it as amazing as possible. And a good magician will drop in. There are things that you can drop in during the trick to help people do that. Like if you are doing a trick where the deck has to be in a particular order at the beginning, so they can't shuffle it at the beginning. But it's safe for them to shuffle it halfway through. So when you give them the deck halfway through, you say, shuffle it again, this time do it under the table.

Now, they haven't shuffled it before, but you're talking as if they have. You shuffle it again, but this time do it under the table. So they'll just follow those instructions. But afterwards when they remember, they'll kind of... It's easy for them to remember that that was the second time they shuffled it. They did shuffle it at the beginning, which makes the whole trick become impossible. So you drop in those sort of false memories. It's a big part

of it. I mean, the thing that always sticks in my mind is when you got people to stop an armed guard in the street and wave a gun about and all that. Now when I watched that I just thought if there's any police in the area of this won't they

shoot this person before they can say I should explain I've been hypnotised by Darren Brown. Oh there were loads of police. It was on a Sunday we took over a big chunk of East London round by Grisham Street round in the city. So it was cordoned off. We had to get the police's involvement on that day for exactly that reason,

because there was going to be a guy with not a real gun, but a good replica. So they were... It sort of came out of those motivational seminars and that whole kind of ethos of, you know, get what you want, influence other people, set your goals, and la-la-la-la-la, that whole world of motivational training and so on which is horrible really because it misses the point because being kind being nice is actually i think the uh what a gets you ahead most in life and what

10 if you want to if you want to make it about getting what you want but also just makes you happier so well you say being nice but i mean paul McKenna uses that method of training to stop people smoking. You use it to make people hold up trunks in the street. How nice is that, Derren Brown? Nice and unnasty. So it was about taking that, it was about taking that kind of selfishness in that world and seeing whether you can persuade people to do things that they supposedly don't want to do, because that's always a big thing that you can't make people do things they don't want to do, and I thought, well,

you can, you've just got to make them want to do it, which that whole seminar world reminded me of. You know, I've been making people do what they don't want to do for years. Absolute. Darren, you've got, let's get the plug in out of the way, you've got a book coming out, because you do caricatures. I do, I paint portraits,

and they've been kind enough to put a book together of them. I don't know quite when it's coming out, I paint portraits and they've been kind enough to put a book together of them I don't know quite when it's coming out I think it can be ready in April but they might not launch it until a little later but yeah, probably April And who have you done caricatures of?

Oh, everyone Well, you say that Yeah, I was going to say Yeah, well let's move on Anyway, that's his book of the sort of, some of the lesser lights of the showbiz world and then you've got the DVD of the show I saw, which was brilliant.

Evening of Wonders. Which is called Evening of Wonders. That is coming out soon. I've just been signing off on the news. You're not very good on the dates, are you, Mr Memory Magic? Yeah, soon. Soon? What kind of a night is that?

Rubbish. It's supposed to be magic. And I should say that the tickets for your show, which starts at the 15th of June at the Adelphi Theatre in London, are available, you must know this, on your website. Yes, you can get them through my website. Which is www.derrenbrown.co.uk

Oh, you know. That's it. It's going to be the Derren Brown. If you put in Derren Brown, it's going to come up, isn't it? What do I have to spoon-feed you people? Or see tickets, I think, if you want to go directly. And it says here here the performance is not suitable for children under 12 years of age. Of old. Right, why is that?

12 years of old. Is it that trip where you strangle an Alsatian? Yeah. I ate that one. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of bad language. Well, there is from me when I'm watching you. Yeah, that's just from you.

Now, you've got a parrot. Oh, not anymore. Oh, there is from me when I'm watching you. Yeah, that's just from you. Now, you've got a parrot. Oh, not anymore. Oh, that's very sad. Oh, God, now that's one of the worst things that's ever happened. You've touched on something very delicate. Oh, God. Now he died. This has become a Monty Python sketch. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Darren, when was that? No, it was literally three years ago. So you're over it? Yeah, no, it's fine. It's fine, right? My research is perhaps a little out of date. Have you not thought about getting another one just to make this bit work?

I did have another one. I don't know if that died as well. Oh, really? I think there's a pattern. There's a pattern emerging. I think there is. I think it's the sawing in half. Do you practice on that?

Yeah. Yeah. It's just not going to work with one blow of the machete. It has to be a bit more gradual. You've got to work the tension on that. Yeah, they've all died. So have you got TV and stuff coming up as well? Not till September.

I've done some documentaries. I've done two documentaries. I'm doing a third on people sort of making paranormal claims and so on and spending some time and spending a week with a medium in Liverpool, which is really interesting, and a week with a medium in Liverpool, which was really interesting, and a week with a ghost hunter in Philadelphia, and we're trying to find a third. No one wants to do it with me.

They all think I'm going to be aggressively sceptical, which... Well, you're going to expose them, presumably. Of course they don't want to do it. But you know what, the whole... I mean, yeah, I'm sceptical, but sceptical just means asking questions as opposed to cynical, which means sticking your fingers in your ears and going, no, no, no, no, no, not listening. So the idea was to make shows that were genuinely, you know, in the spirit

of true scepticism, which is, I would love this to be true, and I'm going to spend some time with you and see whether it holds up, and watch what you do, and just ask some questions, and, so it's not aggressive at all. So, do one more of those, and also... And did you go to a seance? Did you actually go to one of those? We, well, certainly with the Ghost hunter, we went to a property... There's exorcisms involved and there's doing a proper sort of haunting investigation in someone's house.

It was absolutely... It was brilliant, really fascinating. Did you hear a voice go, Paul, you want a cigarette? That would have put you in your place, wouldn't it, Mr Expose? Well, look, Derek, the show I know will be brilliant because the last one was great, so a DVD book, etc., etc.

It's really good having you on the show. Oh, it's been lovely to be on the show. And honestly, it has the Skinner recommendation. Darren Brown Live is breathtaking. Absolute. This is the last time, keen. Oh, they don't mean it, do they? They don't mean that.

So, um... What was we... Oh, yeah, there was a thing in the paper this week that it says that funny men get girls. That is the thing. They went through these Lonely Hearts columns and the thing that they are most impressed by is that thing, G-S-O-H,

good sense of humour, and basically funny things, people saying funny things in the columns. Now, Gareth, you're a comedian by trade. Yes. Are you a ladies' man? I know you're married now, but we've all got a past. I'm one ladies' man.

Yes. Yes. But in the past, before you met Laura. No, absolutely not. And I don't think that there's one person that has ever approached me after a gig or around a gig in a romantic way. What? I might have just been, I know.

Not in a romantic way. You can see me, Frank, and you know that is an incredible thing. Yeah. That no one has. Maybe people are intimidated. Maybe that's what it is. They think he's too funny. I could laugh myself into a hospital.

But also I am so socially inept that I probably just miss it. They think he's too funny. I could laugh myself into a hospital. But also, I am so socially inept that I'd probably just miss it. If it did happen, I wouldn't catch on. You might have been propositioned and not even noticed. I'm just like, would you like to sleep with me? I'm not tired, thanks. But that's really thoughtful. It's a good comeback, actually, for women

who you find not attractive. It lets them down gently. That's what that means. Sorry, I've just had a coffee. Emma, have you ever dated a comedian? I've dabbled. I say dated. Oh, you've dabbled.

Yes, I've dabbled. I did date a comedian. I'm not sure if I should out him. I'm not sure how he'd feel about that. No, but let's just say as a clue that he often works with diddy men. Oh, no. You can still see the teeth marks on her neck. It's rather frightening.

No, you've been a... She likes to be tickled. What do you think of comedians? Because some people, of course, think that comedians, when they're off stage, are sombre, bitter, broken-hearted people. I think today I have had comments from the text saying, Frank's chipper, but Gareth sounds like he's

a bit down today. And I am a bit like that. I am happier on stage. You're a hang dog. Didn't you once hang a dog as well? As part of Derren Brown's... He was asking for the things he'd done. Once the Alsatian had gone,

it sort of turned into a blood frenzy. So what would you say about it? If you had to sum up comedians in general, how many are we talking here? Over 100? No! Frank! Okay, sorry.

120. Is it the cast of Dad's Armour? You killed them! You killed them with your insatiable appetite. You're right, Godfrey. I can't do it again, Emily. We're doomed! We're doomed, Captain Mallory!

We don't like it up for them. Oh, I can only apologise. Sorry. Anyway, yeah, I would say the thing that's weird, not weird about comedians, but the one sort of aspect of dating a comedian is that it's like dating a psychologist or a shrink because it's all about observing human behaviour,

what you guys do, really. So it's quite frightening, the level of psychological insight into everything you do, and often very accurate. I am told I have frighteningly accurate insight. Well, this thing says it. I'm just told to shut up. That's what I'm told.

Oh, shut up, you stupid jokes. It's just, Frank, can you stop following me? That's what usually people do. I don't buy this thing, this thing that you can laugh a woman into bed. Women always say that. It's the idea that you laugh with such gusto that you can start moving them across the room

and steer them into bed. I mean, if you could do that, would that be morally acceptable as a form of courtship, to physically laugh a woman into bed? You can wrestle a woman into bed i found or or drag but um laugh a woman no no obviously you shouldn't but um laugh a woman into bed is i don't i think that's the thing that women say because women really like if you say who's the most popular sexy man they ask women in a survey that they tend not to say Paul Daniels, or they tend to say Brad Pitt, who's one of the least funny people I've ever met. I was stuck in a lift with him once, he didn't say

one funny thing for the whole time. I think we're coming to the end of the show, and yes, can I say that I think I have pulled a lot of women, but I was always funny. I was always funny. It wasn't until I was funny and rich that the attraction really kicked in. It's been a fabulous week. Thank you, Emily and Gareth and Darren Brown was great.