The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Gaby Roslin

Episode Date: May 2, 2009

Gaby Roslin is in the building, but did Frank, Emily & Gareth make it in or were they struck down by 'The Swines?'. You'll have to listen to find out.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

So, it's the Frank Skinner podcast on Absolute Radio. It's not on Absolute Radio, obviously, it's on the internet. And I'm with Emily and Gareth, as ever. Hello. And we had Gabby Roslian on today, and she was talking about her new show, Where Celebrities Go and Buy Another House. I never mentioned that, perhaps in the current climate, on today and she was talking about her new show where celebrities go and buy another house I never mentioned

perhaps in the current climate it was an insensitive programme but I didn't think that was a nice thing to say but she was very lovely She didn't think David Guest was weird looking though No, but I think that's good because she's worked with him, you know if people ask me if one or both of you are weird

looking, I always say no. In that way where they think, well that's loyalty isn't it? That's not honesty, that's loyalty. But loyalty and honesty are both good virtues. I've always thought that. Yeah, so there's that and there's loads of brilliant music which isn't in the podcast. On the subject

of honesty, we talked about lying, didn't we, as well? We did, yes. We got people to send in their... I don't know why we do this because didn't we as well we did yes we got people to um send in their i don't know why we do this because isn't it easy to just listen to it yeah and then you know what's in it we come on and we say this is in it and then they listen to it i think we should stop doing the introduction why do people do introductions to podcasts well this is what a presenter does you're like they say this is about to happen. Say what's going to happen. Let it happen. Say what happened.

Yeah, I like an element of surprise. I think next week we should completely lie about what's in the programme. We should say that the guest is Kofi Annan. Is he not going to come in, though? Apparently he's pulled. Oh, what an idiot. It is. Kofi and his nan have both pulled out, which is a blow.

So, anyway, it's good, though. People have texted me saying that was great. Oh, great. That was good. Here it is. Liars. Here it is. Absolute. Oh, marvellous.

That was 80s Matchbox with Mr Mental. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with my own Mr and Mrs Mental, Emily and Gareth. Good morning to you. Hello. Like we've just met, like you've just come in. We were saying good morning to the viewers, which is a nice thing. I'm slightly on edge this morning, I've got to be honest with you.

I'm going to a football match after, which is, when you're a West Bromwich Albion fan, is cause enough to be anxious. I'm going to Tottenham Hotspurs. But I am a guest of Sir Alan Sugar. Wow, Alan Sugar?

Yes. The Apprentice! That one, that one, yeah. Apparently he doesn't like it if people do that. Can you not mention The Apprentice? Well, I won't mention it because I've never seen it still to this day. Yeah, of course. So what I'm hoping is that he doesn't ask me any quiz. There might be a quiz

at half-time about The Apprentice. You'll have to lie. I don't think I could possibly lie to Sir Alan Sugar. That's going to be brilliant. I did try and record it on my Sky Plus once and you know sometimes the picture freezes on digital telly and what i what the

program started as you say and there was like this shot of the gherkin building uh and it was on for about four minutes with him talking over the top and i thought they've overdone the girl yeah you know sometimes when you're in mcdonald's you think they've overdone the gherkin it was like that and and then i realized the picture had frozen and I couldn't just listen to it over a picture of the gherkin. It's going to be like, you think you've been

to the football before. You've never been to the football with me. I'm no mug. Don't try and pull the wool over my eyes. You see, I find that funny. Does he wear a bubble hat?

Don't pull the wool over my eyes. There's a taxi driver outside typing your address into his sat-nav. Is that the kind of thing he said? Oh, I'm going to be frightened to death. I'm going to be so intimidated. Don't try and tell him that you're like him either.

He doesn't like it if you say you're like him. Nobody's like me. I'm unique. I wasn't planning to say. It's nice to meet you, Sir Alan. You know, you and I are very, very similar. I'm sure it'll be lovely and stuff, especially if we win. But, yeah, I'm a bit... You know, he's one of those blokes who's a bit scary.

Oh, he's terrifying, although I do quite fancy him. Oh, well, that's because he looks a bit like Henry VIII. Yeah, exactly. Perhaps that's you in my opening gambit. I'll say, oh, you know who you look like? Do you remember that king who killed wives? Now, last week, I say it was the first time,

because we're still learning how to do a radio show, as many of you will have realised, and last week was the first time that we sort of threw something out to the audience, and they really, you all responded very well. Not all of you, obviously, that would have been nightmarish for our switchboard ladies. We don't have any, I just, have been nightmarish for our switchboard ladies.

We don't have any. They're used to in the BBC in the 1940s. But we had a great response. Last week we asked people what was the stupidest things they'd argued about and it was an avalanche. It was. And they're still coming in so we thought rather than squander them, we'd talk about the ones that

came in during the week. Well, I've got a good one here. This is one of my favourites, which is, dear Frank, I used to argue with my brother about if selling ice door to door by an ice man is a viable business model. I have been having this argument since 2001. Love, James. Surely Sir Alan Sugar is about to ask this amount. I might just casually. Because there'll be a point where someone says,

do you want ice? And I'll say, I'll tell you what, Tony, you should say it. I love that they've been having the argument since 2001. No break, presumably. Recurring arguments are good, where you just know. What do you think?

I wouldn't be very interested in a man who came to my door saying, do you want any ice? No. He'd be frantic as well, wouldn't he? I mean, I guess he'd have some sort of mobile refrigeration. I don't think he's got to have handfuls of ice cubes. Do you want any ice?

Quick, it's melted! I don't know if that would be acceptable during the swine flu pandemic. It's not hygienic, is it? No, unless you wore a face mask. There used to be, in cricket matches, when I was a youth, and I used to go to Edgbaston, particularly if we played the West Indies, in fact, only when we played the West Indies,

there was a big Rastafarian man who used to walk around, and he used to have a sack. And when he opened it, people would stop him, and he'd open the sack, it was like all sawdust and he'd scratch it away and it was a big block of ice and then he'd scratch at the ice and he'd make a slush puppy there on the spot. Oh, he'd fashion one?

Yeah, with a bit of sawdust and that, innit? He had sawdust? I'm not saying he made a living, but he supplemented his whatever was his... Was he mad? I don't think he was mad. Is sawdust good to carry ice in? Well, the sawdust apparently stops it from melting so quickly.

So who was the person that sent the email? He's just called himself James. Well, if James wants to give it a go, then I would suggest that he wraps his ice in a bit of sawdust. You know, the Alan Sugar reference is coming up already. I feel myself, I've become an entrepreneur. Oh dear. So I'm excited about it. I generally take my football

sans sucre. We'll see what happens. You know, my hair is on eBay at the moment. Not all of it, but that which I discarded on this very show two weeks ago with the aid of Emily's celebrity hairdresser friend, Matthew. Jo, who's on after us,

she gathered it all up into a small Hessian sack with some sawdust, obviously, to keep it fresh and put it on e-buy. Not e-buy. Do you know e-buy? That's the other website. That's like a Birmingham auction website, isn't it? E-boy.

E-boy would be a fabulous kind of gay website, wouldn't it? It's probably East One called that. I always thought there should be a Yorkshire version of eBay called eBay Gom. So how much have you got for it so far? Well, at the moment, I can't believe this. It's stand... This goes to charity, by the way. Me and Joe aren't splitting the proceeds.

Is it a hair loss charity? I don't want to split hairs. Which charity is it? That's a very good question. One thing you've got to learn about radio, never ask anyone a factual question. They almost certainly won't know the answer. It's child line.

Oh, that's good then. Thank goodness I'm here. At the moment, oh, I think that all the time, whatever Neil Francis may say about you being a pathological liar. How dare he? I think he was being light-hearted. We need to discuss this.

He listens to this. I told him in the car then, say to the driver, stop the car. He called me high maintenance, and that's so accurate. Yeah, I know. He shouldn't have done that. That's the truest thing. Anyway. Yeah my hair it stands my hair stands on end at a thousand pounds on on ebay that's extraordinary it is extraordinary i i can't believe it makes me wonder who would pay a thousand pounds for my hair that isn't a voodoo chieftain. Well, I'm bidding on some of David Baddiel's fingernails.

Are you? What's that at the moment? It's not bad, actually. They're going quite cheap. I had an argument. Speaking of mad arguments, which we were talking about a lot last week, I had an argument with my girlfriend. We were in France on holiday. And for some reason, we were talking about my hair colour. And she suddenly said to me, were talking about my hair colour and she said she suddenly said to

me what was your original hair colour and I said well you can see it can't you and she said well no it's just all grey now and I said no it's not all grey it's grey I said I acknowledge it's grey but you can see the original colour she said no you can't it's just all grey and i said no there is and it got i mean it really i did yeah and i honestly don't think i was touchy about the greyness um i was just it was just i was slightly frightened because it seemed to be an unawareness of reality which i thought maybe she's going mad and will kill me um and we ended up, at her insistence, I had to text five friends the text that just said, sorry to bother you, what colour is my hair?

And then we had to wait to see what the response was. See, the results are in. Exactly. It was like the Eurovision. It was like election night. We've got Nikki in Copenhagen. Hello! And what were the results?

Well, they all said basically exactly the same thing. After a brief sentence which expressed some surprise at the text in the first place, they said, well, it's kind of sort of dirty brown with a fair bit of grey in it. I bet you were relieved to hear that. I was, because I thought maybe, you know, I'm so scared about getting grey hair, I've kind of imagined.

My original colour was dirty brown. It's over. Well, I'm happy with dirty brown, but it's not all... But it was really, I mean, it was quite a nasty argument. Anyway, if anyone wants to check my hair colour, the eBay auction ends at one o'clock today. If you want to op it from a thousand pounds. But it's child line.

It's a good thing. I don't know what you'd do with my... Maybe you could make a collage picture of me with real hair, like the action man real hair. Do you remember him? Yes. Okay. Don't bluff me. Don't bluff me, Gareth, if you don't remember him.

No, I do. I think you're lying. How dare you? Well, I think that should be today's phone-in, is what's the stupidest thing you've ever lied about? Yeah, that's good. Action Man's hair. Yes, well, it didn't take long, did it?

No, I do remember Action Man's hair, and he had eyes that looked places. You could make his eyes look, see? Yeah, don't try and divert me with the eyes thing. We weren't talking about the eyes. Just answer the question. It's the David Dimbleby coming out of me. So, you...

Now, we should clear up the Neil Francis. Neil Francis, he sort of cast a doubt on whether Emily's got a boyfriend, because Emily's always talking about being single. And then he said last week you accidentally slipped and said, my boyf... And then stop yourself. Because some people do call their boyfriend a boyfriend.

Like I'm in a boy band and I'm having to pretend I'm single. Yeah, in case. Not to upset my thousands of fans. Exactly, yeah. But can we establish now, you are single. I'm single as hell. Yeah, okay. I am.

And Neil, I wasn't lying. I'm sorry that you thought that I was. I don't want this to affect our relationship. He's talking about a past boyfriend Because although you are single You've been out with a lot of men Well, yeah, I think I think we once established

That we've been out with the whole cast of Dad's Army Many of whom didn't survive the ordeal And Ken Dodd, wasn't it? Ken Dodd, yeah Who does three and a half hours, apparently He goes on all night Yeah, so we'd love to hear from you all Ben Dardier, who does three and a half hours, apparently. He goes on all night. Yeah, so we'd love to hear from you all what's the stupidest thing you've ever lied about.

But don't lie, obviously. Some people think, oh, there's a fabulous double bluff here, I'll lie. And then that'll be a good thing. By the way, what we really need to cheer us up, I think, at the moment is this. That's the morning! That's the only jingle we've got on the show. That was something that Gareth shouted out spontaneously And we've captured it forever

I could do that live though No it's not, you'll never get it that good again No it'll be like Elvis is a lower from Hawaii You've got to do that special thing Absolute That was the killers That's a bit of a worry So yeah we're asking people to Send in in their stupidest lies they've ever told.

Are you inclined to, apart from your boyfriend thing? I know you haven't got a boyfriend. Any porkies? Yeah, do you? Yeah, I have got a little bit of porkies, but I'm having the antivirals. Which decade do you want to pick? A decade? I mean, recently, I lied to the Virgin Media internet man,

the man who'd come to do my internet, because my flat was so messy. I said, oh, I've just moved in. Right. Because I didn't want him to know that it was that messy. And then, of course, I got in terrible trouble, because he said, oh, so when did you get this cable fitted? Oh, no. I said, oh, and then,

of course, it emerged that I'd been there seven years. So then I told a worse lie, which was, oh, well, actually, I've been living with my mum's. I don't want to go into it. So, yeah, the flat's been empty. It was just awful. Did you fancy him? Is that what all this was about?

No. OK. You're better not, because he might be listening. I'll tell you what, I have the worst sense of direction. I mean, I have no sense of direction. I get lost in the absolute studios, and I'm not lying about that. And I once asked a psychologist about this who I met at a party, and she said I probably didn't crawl as a baby.

Some babies, they sit around, and then one day they walk. They don't bother with the crawling element at all. But it's during the crawling stage that you develop your sense of direction. So I probably didn't crawl. So I asked my elder sister if she remembers me crawling. And she said, apart from in the 80s

when I had a drink problem, never. So I think... But people occasionally stop me and ask me for directions. And I always give them a full set of directions to places I honestly don't know

where they are. I just can't bring myself places I honestly don't know where they are. I just can't bring myself to say I don't know and look stupid. I completely lie. That's outrageous. Yeah. And that explains it, because sometimes people give you directions and they've clearly sent you in completely the wrong way. Yeah, well, I am that person.

I just can't... Imagine having to own up to not knowing where everywhere is in the world. By road. Wow. imagine having to own up to not knowing where everywhere is in the world by road I think you should say and at the end and then you go there and then you're there but that is all lies just so they know sorry I didn't crawl how do you think they'd take that

what about you Gareth I am I'm not a big liar I remember one son of a preacher man. Here we go again, Mr Morals. I was we've got some good ones coming in from school Don't switch it. No I know

I'm not going to. I was at school once and there was this guy called Pardeep who I really didn't like in my class because he was one of the bullies but he was like a henchman bully That's what I was as well. I was a henchman bully. That's what I was as well. I was a henchman bully. I don't think that's a role that you should

dismiss so easily. If you're just following the charismatic cool bully at least be a bully in your own right. I think so. But I was a court jester bully which I think is acceptable. Anyway, carry on about. He annoyed me. So what I did is I got a drawing pin and I stuck it to his chair

with some blue tack i didn't think anyone outside of the veeno put a drawing pin on someone's chair well it was probably inspired by the veeno i was a big veeno fan and um then i did that i thought it was a perfect crime and then and then forgot all about it and then at lunchtime, my form teacher called me in to the room and she said, in the class after you, Kevin, who was a big fat boy, had sat down on a chair... And he'd burst. ..and been very badly punctured...

Oh, no. ..by the drawing pin. Yeah. And she held it up in front of me. And did he go around the classroom, and just ended in a horrible, sort of slightly bloody, sinuous heap? Like Monica Seles.

Like Monica Seles in reverse. We should say that Monica Seles, the tennis player, said that after she got stabbed, she went from a size 8 to a size 18. She ballooned. She did, she absolutely ballooned. She did. She absolutely ballooned.

So what happened? Tell us. So I lied. Yeah, but what happened? I said, no, I haven't seen it. What I don't understand about that story is why you had to blue tag. Don't you just, it just sits on the chair. Just put the pin there. That's what I did.

Did you put it underneath the chair in a terrible mick job? It just seemed like, you know, it wouldn't move. And blue tag's always fun. And what was the lie? The lie, you know, it wouldn't move and Blu-Tack's always fun. And what was the lie? The lie I said that I hadn't done it. I mean, that's not a stupid lie, that's quite a canny lie. Have we got any emails?

But I did feel bad about it. You said that with an air of, is there a life raft anywhere nearby? Have we got any emails, Gareth, after your roaring anecdote of school days? Shut up! John from Glasgow. John from Glasgow. When in primary school, there was a cat in the playground

and I lied that it was mine for some reason. Then the teacher only went and brought it in the class. Nightmare. You know, that's really weird, because when I was a kid, there was a dog in the playground and I claimed it was mine. I'd forgotten all about that. And I got to the point

where I had to approach it and stroke it. Yeah, oh man, I'd completely forgotten that I lied about that. It's obviously got a common childhood thing. Yeah, if you see an animal in the playground

you want to own it. That's fine. That's what I think. Alex in Leeds says, in the pub, I once claimed I could track a man over hard ground at night. Oh, we've all done that.

I'm calling that a white lie. And he can't track a man over hard ground at night. Absolute. And we're asking people to phone in the stupidest lies they've ever told. Can we go back to that last one? I can track a man at night over hard ground.

That's fabulous. I would never think to brag. I once told a woman I was a channel swimmer in a sort of chat. I think chatting up is a very rich area for life. And channel swimming just seemed impressive to me. Less so now that David Walliams has done it. But at the time, you know, it was only men in moustaches in Victorian times had done it, really. What else have we got?

James Collins. He's the Iceman. The Iceman. That's called it. It can be his nickname. He says, please mention my door-to-door Iceman I did to Sir Alan. And remember to call him Sir Alan, not Alan, or he will fire you.

Okay. Secondly, he says, I think the stupidest lie I have ever lied... The stupidest thing I have lied about was in primary school when I pretended every summer to have hay fever as I was envious of all the sympathy sufferers seemed to receive. I even tried to make my eyes water by thinking of something particularly sad.

You see now, if he got the swines, he'd get everyone to think it was his recurring haste. The boy who cried pig. Yeah. Very good. I'm happy with that. I'm very happy with that. Oh, I think our work here is done.

Shall we just put a very, very long track on and go home? What else? What else? What else? The worst thing I had to lie about was having to phone in sick on my honeymoon as I had no holidays left. I had to phone work from the balcony in my room in Havana and pretend to be ill. I was worried

sick for months after thinking they would find out Simon in West Brom. See, that's the trouble. I love the way we get loads of emails from the West Midlands. I feel my people are with me. At any moment I could announce a revolution and the West Midlands would rise up. I love that.

You sort of did on Question Time. Yeah, I didn't. Did I announce that? Exactly. I didn't call the West Midlands to arms. I feel I could do that on this show. How brilliant. If I said, let's rise up and march on Parliament, I could aim to the West Midlands to arms. I feel I could do that on this show. How brilliant. If I said, let's rise up and march on Parliament, I could aim to the West Midlands. They'd all march down there.

And then we'd have some faggots and peace. You just need a cause. What? That's all we need. You dare do a joke about homosexuals. Rain's faggots. I know those. Yeah, exactly. Well, they met their own faggots. I know those. Yeah, exactly.

Well, they met their own faggots in the West Midlands. Don't give me that look, Jared. You just need a cause, don't you? Peace. I thought because you said peace, peace, peace could be your cause.

Faggots and peace. That could be the West Midlands. I thought it was going to be equal rights and peace. Are you going to leave faggots off? They're like meat, awfully things in a sheep's stomach bag.

Someone listening in there will think that's the most homophobic remark I've ever heard in my life. Can I say they are food. There's nothing bad intended. No. And, um, yeah, faggots and peace, that would be that would be a great, we can't even I don't want to go any further with this.

I see my career. Interviews. Have you ever lied in an interview? I've never done a job. I've done one job interview. Do you mean job interviews? He meant TV interview. I've only ever done one. I'll tell you what I did.

The man in the... There was only two of us up for the job, and the other bloke seemed incredibly qualified and very snooty in the waiting room. And I said to him, so where are you from? I thought I'd make a bit of genial conversation, me being a kind of, you know, happy-go-lucky, cheery chap. And he said, oh, well, you know, wherever I lay my hat, really.

And I just thought, I hate you. And I said to him... And you're Paul Young. So I said to him, what hat? And he said, you know, it's like a... You say it's at home, I've laid it. I deliberately... That hat has since been repossessed.

And that's the recession for you, ladies and gentlemen. Absolute. I went to watch the London Marathon on Sunday. And it was, you know, I've never seen it in the flesh before. I went about seven hours in, so it was really people who were having a terrible time, struggling. And I never knew this, but you have your name on your vest, and the idea is that people call out to encourage you.

I bet I shouted, come on, Flora the idea is that people call out to encourage you i bet i shouted come on flora at about seven people before i realized it was the sponsor i met an absolute fool of myself but the thing what is that people go and they're there at the beginning cheering on frantically cheering on all the good runners and then the people who really need verbal help everyone's kind of gone home by then so i felt a bit sorry for them. It's a brilliant thing. And of course, like most people, I decided I'm going to do it next year. Oh, really? My ambition is to do the marathon with no

sponsorship whatsoever. I don't know why, but there seems something so completely reckless about doing that and wrong. I've not done a marathon, but I have done two half marathons before. That counts, doesn't it? Well, they were separated by time. Yeah.

How long? Quite a long time. OK. I've walked to my car. Have you really? Imagine you have shoes that you put on to walk to your car. Then you put on your driving shoes and you get your heels on. Someone just sent in a thing saying that

now that we've established an Emily single, what chat-up line do you think would get her attention? I think probably, oh, no, I've picked up the wrong Rolex before I left home. Sorry, I've dropped a lot of money somewhere. That's terrible. It's a joke. That wouldn't work anyway. What I'd like them to say is, do you fancy coming back to Hampton Court?

That would be the best set-up line. Yeah. How do you fancy being number eight? How many wives did he have? Six. Six, yeah, he'd have to be number eight. It was the one we don't know about. The lost wife.

Quite a lot of time has passed since we stopped counting. Someone will discover an extra wife that nobody knew about. It always happens. But Gabby Rosling, by the way, is here after nine o'clock. Excellent. Gareth Neely-Chant on the news. Yeah. You're a fan. I can see you are. In a slightly salacious way, I thought.

I went to see Bob Dylan on Saturday night. Oh, wicked. Yeah. Now, I'm a massive Bob Dylan fan. I love Bob Dylan. I'll go so far as to say that. From about the age of 17, he's been a central figure in my life he was absolutely rubbish oh really he was rubbish to the point of um i have never left a gig before where people were saying well he was that was just rubbish you know there

are people like fans obviously put a brave face on him somebody said to him do you enjoy that frank and i said well i wouldn't go so far as to say that. And they said, no, you're right, it was terrible. It was really... What he does is that... Say if he's going to do blowing in the wind, right? The only way you know he's doing blowing in the wind is if you know the words. If you can make out the words as well.

So he sort of goes... HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES And you think, oh, wind. Yeah, wind. And I'm not exaggerating.

It's unbelievable. He really can't sing very much. I think he can. I think he can, but he won't. Yeah. Because on the albums, he sounds quite good still, doesn't he? He sounds fine on the album. And you kind of think, well, how are you doing that?

And then in concert you go Well I wonder if he goes in the studio and then somebody with a computer sort of turns it into words. I think that

could be done. My brother is a huge Bob Dylan fan as am I and when he went he took a harmonica along in the hope that he'd meet Bob Dylan

and be able to get him to blow down it. I thought you said he was going to join in with a community harmonica. He doesn't even hope that he'd meet Bob Dylan and be able to get him to blow down it. Oh, so you said he was going to join in? No. Community harmonica. He doesn't even play guitar anymore. No. He just plays keyboard.

I heard he got arthritis, but I don't think that's... Allegedly he has arthritis, I think he's... And there were no screens where though, I heard as well, so he was just absolutely fine. No big screens, yeah, so he's a tiny bit going... It could have been a cat for all we know. Could have been a cat in a sombrero.

Well, not in a sombrero. Sombrero. I don't know. That sounds like a Bob Dylan line. There's a cat in a sombrero. Well, I've had a sombrero on my wall for many years and I've been wearing it this week. You can get a seat on the tube, no problem,

in a sombrero at the moment. I'd recommend anyone who wants to try that. Thanks for getting that. I very much appreciate it. Good to know you're with me, Gareth. Absolute. So after the gig, I went on the back of Adrian Charles' motorbike. And when we got out, we got on the bike and it went...

Is it a Brummie bike like that sounded slightly you're fired so um i better not say that i accidentally you know what i'll do that you know when i meet people i'll come back to this story when i meet people who are associated with any particular time like i met hugh cornwall the week. And because it was... I sing all the time. I hum a lot, the way people do. I hum a lot because... Anyway.

And I found myself... Yeah, I said, you know, it's great to meet you. And all that... And I do that, which is really embarrassing, obviously. And I'll bet when I meet Alan Sugar, I'll bet accidentally I'll start going,

and he'll be absolutely livid. I'll just imagine he won't take it well. In fact, could you do me a little tape so I could play it? If I just keep a straight face and we just sit there and I have it in my pocket, you won't know where it's coming from. He might think he's imagining it. You should set your ringtone to it. Yeah.

And then... Yeah, I don't know who he'd be if that was my ringtone. That wouldn't be thinking I was a bad stalker. Or I might start going, Honey, da-da-da-da-da. Whoa, sugar sugar. I don't imagine that would go great either. Absolute.

I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. And our guest, Gabby Roslin, is in the building, but not in the studio. So if you want to say anything about a behind-the-back, this is your last opportunity. Right. Don't. I'll make a list. Don't. So that, yeah, so when me and Adrian Charles got back to the motorbike

after the Bob Dylan gig at the O2, it wouldn't start. And I asked, there was a few bikers around us, because we're in the bikers' car park, obviously, and I said to this woman who was putting leathers on, I said, wow, no, I didn't. I said, do you know how a bike won't start? Do you know a lot about bikes?

She said, no, not really. She said, unless it's the kill switch. And I said to Adrian, he was on the phone to the AA by then, I said, is it the kill switch. And I said to Adrian, he was on the phone to the AA by then, I said, is it the kill switch? And he went, no, no, because it's revving. And I said, no, it's revving. The kill switch, that's on a motorbike. Okay.

It's not for killing people with. No. It's not like a Ben Hur thing that comes out. No, it's not. No blades at the side of the thing. So I asked someone else, and they said, it's not the kill switch. I said, by now I'm an expert. I said, no, no, it's not the kill switch it's not. No blades at the side of the thing. So I asked someone else, and they said, it's not the kill switch. I said, by now I'm an expert.

I said, no, no, it's not the kill switch, because it's reffing, you see. So anyway, an hour and 45 minutes later, the AA man came. And you can probably guess what was wrong with the bike. Was it the kill switch? It was the kill switch, yeah. So Adrian was in disgrace. Actually, just come to think of it, he said, don't tell anyone that, because it's too embarrassing.

It's tempting fate a bit, going on a motorbike to a bobbling gig, because he had a big motorbike crash, didn't he? He did, don't tell anyone that, because it's too embarrassing. It's tempting fate a bit, going on a motorbike to a Bob Dylan gig, because he had a big motorbike crash, didn't he? He did, yeah. But that was... It was tempting fate in a very slight way. No more than it is like... People would have thought, huh, that's funny, they had a motorbike crash. Yeah, I mean, I keep pigs.

In a way, that's tempting fate more. Have we got any more email? We're asking people about the stupidest lines they've ever told yeah i have um he said i went on the school trip to the tower of london my mate did i don't know i was looking at um oh just tell us i haven't got a name pauses people think asmf turn his microphone up. It's just, he comes with pauses. Go on, Gareth. I'm Shell from Sussex.

Go on, Frank. I went on a school trip to the Tower of London. My mate and I said my uncle worked there, so we spent time with a complete stranger with permission from our teacher. What? That's bizarre. I think they said it was their uncle,

so they spent time with like this guy who they said was their uncle I don't like that he was happy to collude in the lie that's rather disturbing was he a ghost

bemused yeah he had his head under his arm we've got Stevie from Sheffield said my mate lied to an admirer

that he played for Sheffield Wednesday on match day he hired a suit and met her at the players entrance I like that he had to Sheffield Wednesday. On match day, he hired a suit and met her at the players' entrance. I like that he had to hire a suit as well. He got a load of kids to ask for his autograph.

Oh, come on, no. Yeah, when he met her. He then told her that he had been dropped for the game and he was demanding a transfer the week after he was the lead singer in a band. Good days. That's a hell of a transfer. Doesn't happen very often

this one has gone from West Providence Albion to Kasabian in a last minute actually that did kind of happen anyone here who ever read Roy the Rovers comics in the 80s two members of Spandau Ballet

played for Melchester Rovers, which is Roy the Rovers. They used to be in the comic every week. They were kind of, because they have a lot of spare time, pop stars, they were able to be professional footballers. That's a fictional team though. It's a fictional team, yeah, but obviously real people. So there was two members of Spandau Ballet

that played in the team every week. Right. I think that's a great idea. I also think that I think there should be more a sponsorship thing so you can play in football teams. You know when people say, of Roman Abramovich at Chelsea, they say, oh, he interferes, he interferes in the transfers. If I was him and I'd spent three million million on the club, I'd definitely play every week.

I'd just play. million on the club, I'd definitely play every week. I'd just play. Who'd stop me? And I think you should be able to do a sponsorship deal where rich people can play for their favourite clubs. Because it's only one player. There's always one rubbish player anyway who doesn't really get involved. And you'd be able to buy better players

and you'd just have that one player. So pay a big load of money and you can play. And you can play regularly you can't be dropped. Yeah and you wouldn't do any real damage if they played you you know in the middle of the pitch. You couldn't be in goal or something. No you couldn't be in goal that would be that would be bad. That's a bit unfair towards rich people

maybe there should be one player who is either one of those people or drawn out of a hat. Oh no I don't like drawn out of a hat I like the rich people element. Yeah let's stick with that. Absolute. Frankenstein by Edgar Winter. There's a drum solo on Absolute Radio.

I feel I have done something good this morning. Gabby Roslin is with us in the studio. Was that good? Yeah, that was good. Was that good? Did you not like it? No. Oh, you look like a rock chick, Gabby.

No, well, there is a semi bit of me, but that's just too much. Okay. I'm worried about my baby's ears at home. Well, it was, uh, yeah, okay. I like, I get four tracks, you see, on the show. In the two hours, I'm allowed to pick four myself. And that was one of yours. Yeah, so

the audience have got used to the idea now that that's basically a cup of tea, that type. But anyway, it's great to have you here, Gabby. Thank you. And you're doing a new TV show. Yeah. Let me get this right. It's called Celebracy...

Celebracy? Celebracy. It's called Leprosy. Leprosy. And I think it's about time there was a programme about leprosy because I don't know enough about it. Leprosy homes are famous. Yeah, that'd be great. Losy hospitals in east africa and you're going around

are you no it's called celebrity fantasy homes yes it is and it's not their homes it's they're actually looking for a new home and it's completely for real it is they're looking for either a second home or a new home and so we take them to four different properties. They give us a budget and they tell us what they're looking for and where they're looking for it. And in that process, it sort of turned into this rather candid, revelatory show where they, because they're not plugging a TV show, as I am, shamelessly, or an album or a film. They're talking about themselves and it gets very deep and quite heartbreaking.

David Guest talking about himself. I can't imagine. Do you know what? He's great. Have you met him? Well, I've never met. Oh, tell a lie, I have met him. You just told a lie.

Yeah, I did tell a lie, but I owned up fairly quickly, you have to say. But I went to his first wedding anniversary with Liza with a Z. Yeah. Liza Minnelli. I'm a massive... I love Liza Minnelli. Well, who doesn't? Apart from David Guest. Yeah. anniversary with uh liza with a z yeah liza manelli i'm a massive i love liza manelli well

who doesn't apart from david guest yeah and uh and so i met him then and he was he seemed perfectly nice do you know what he's wonderful he is barking mad as i keep telling you he's quite scary looking though no do you know what he's not and when you get to know him and he's very loyal he's got a great heart oh he is scary looking he looking. He's not. He's on your programme. He's got... He's got his cheeks. Well, he's got a beard now, hasn't he? Yeah. Because I watched that episode with you and David Guest.

Yes. And I still thought he was... I thought he looked like... If Tom Jones had been in a fire... That's what everybody says. Not the fire bit, but the Tom Jones and David Guest in the same room.

You never seen them in the same room at the same time, do you? I think Tom Jones was at the wedding. Or was it David Guest? Oh, God, maybe it was. He was kissing Liza Minnelli. Oh, you see. And holding a big horseshoe.

Maybe it was, though. Maybe it was, though. Yeah, so I was actually asked to do this programme. Well, why didn't you? Well, because I didn't want to buy a house. I didn't want to buy a house just to get on the telly. That would be rubbish. Well, you do the next series and think about buying a new house yeah but it seems wrong to me

to um to buy a house just to get on the TV no no no but these people really are and see i thought i thought it might be a fix and i i was i was waiting for that bit at the letter was saying of course if you if you you know weren't thinking we'll buy you a second home and i thought well there you go well that wasn't in it so i know it is genuine you have to be you a second home. And I thought, well, there you go. Well, that wasn't in it. So I know it is genuine. You have to be buying a second home. So I watched that one with David Guest, and he was looking for somewhere in Cambridge. But they're quite exotic locations, some of them, aren't they?

Some of them. Well, it depends what you think of as exotic. But we were in Marbella with Lee Sharp. He's a really nice lad. I'm very glad that ex-footballers are buying places in Marbella. Such a short. All is well with the world. It's very funny because when we were out there, I said to him,

is it because there are loads of ex-footballers and Brits? And he went, no, no, no. That's not why I want to come here. So there we go. That's what he said. But we went to Sitges with Sherry Hewson. And I absolutely fell in love with Sitges. What is Sitges?

Is that a club? It's quite a rare area, isn't it? Yes, it is. It's the coast. It sounds like a nightclub. Well, it is, actually. It's one big gay nightclub. All right. It's a gay and family resort, and it's wonderful. 20 minutes outside Barcelona on the coast, and it's really lovely.

And I went there with Sherry Hewson and her daughter, and then we had Misha Paris. We went to Sardinia. And it was freezing cold. Can I make a terrible confession, which I probably shouldn't say, but I don't know who Sherry Houston is. Sherry Hewson? Well, she was in Coronation Street. Not Houston, Frank. Oh, she's not one of the Houstons. No.

Oh, I don't know. And why does she want to live in a gay resort then? She's not gay. No. Nice restaurants, that's what we're guessing, isn't it? She's also a loose woman. Oh, OK. Yeah.

From the TV show. Yeah. See, I'm mentally running through the list. I can see that. No, I could see the sort of the loose woman and the gay resort in your head and just wondering where you're going to go with that. I can see the advantage of a gay resort because I just think... No, it's a very family resort.

Well, generally, homosexuals I find to be sort of friendlier people. They're not going to go around drunk and beat you up at night, I find. So I'd happily move to it. Next time I'll go for, what's it called? Sitges. Sitges is lovely. It's the Spanish resort. I'll see if there's any sitges vacant.

Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Gareth and Gabby Roslin. Gabby Roslin! Exactly. Oh, thank you, Gareth. That was very good. That's my very own jingle. Do it again.

Go on. Gabby Roslin! It's not a million miles away from our show jingle, which goes... Saturday morning! That's the idea. It's a theme. Yeah. I liked it.

It worked for me, though. He made me happy. No, I like it, because it sounds from the heart. That's what it's the idea. It's a theme. Yeah. I liked it. It worked for me, though. He made me happy. No, I like it because it sounds from the heart. That's what it's all about. What was that accent email you were about to tell me about before we went to that? I've got it here, actually. It says, hey, Frank, when I started high school, I spoke with a Scouse accent for the first six weeks. I've always lived in Surrey.

It wasn't until my mum came in. Was it Qatar? It might have just been Qatar it wasn't until my mum came into parents evening that I got found out love Claire that so that's a lot

it's one of our we're asking people for their stupidest lies that's brilliant to keep an accent up for six weeks and last week we had one that said dear Frank like yourself I'm cursed with a black country accent I'd love another accent if you could have any other accent what would it be from luke and dudley

well i i did uh i auditioned for an american tv show in last december right you know you get these random to do what to be an actor what do you mean to do what i just it was it was like one of these it was made by the bloke who does Boston, whatever it's called, Boston Legal. It was done by him. It was a really big production. And I got there and John, who's the guy from Mummy? John, the actor.

He was in Four Weddings and a Funeral as well. John Hanna. He was there, so I thought, oh no, it's like proper actors. I thought it would just be a comedian. So I had to do an American accent for the part. Oh, do it now, please. Well, I found the only way I could do an American accent is to go really deep.

Oh, go on, do it, please. So they said to this part, I said, these people are all sitting here on telephones talking to each other. And I thought, why am I doing it so deep? And she was looking at me, and she said, we'd like to try that again. I said, certainly, everyone's talking to each other.

It was like I was going to say, they thought we'll get you in for advertising a thing. A new TV show. You could do the trailer. Yeah. Yes. But you know what's even more bizarre? I know this is radio and it's such a shame people can't see, but your face also goes, your face is

low down. I think that's part of it as well yeah because i sort of lose my chin yeah funnily enough i didn't get the part but yes but if i could have any accent what would it be i quite like uh i quite like the welsh accent really yeah i met a woman who was uh it was from ply camry the other night and she got a lovely lilting and I wouldn't mean that I like it when they say

don't come round here I'd like that but I wouldn't want to swap my own accent because I like it that people assume I'm stupid and then I can throw what about you because I don't know what your accent is I'm London born and bred but you're not London pride

no I'm not I'm probably, I don't know if you could have an accent mine's ok I suppose but I suppose an American accent it is that same thing because also in my past I've been in American shows so I had to play an American on stage for six months

and for a year in another show, so it's the American accent. So you were in Chicago? Yeah, and then Harry Met Sally, so I had to be an American for a year and a half. So did you have to simulate physical excitement in an American accent in Harry Met Sally? Oh, yes, and on our last show, I let it last for about 14 minutes because I thought,

this is the last time, I'm just going to go for it. And I'd hit that desk and faked it for 14 minutes. But doing it in an American accent, so you're sort of going, oh, oh, oh. Can I leave now?

I am so frightened. Well, I'm going to do mine. I'm going to do my American. Oh, Oh. Well, obviously. Can I leave now? I am so frightened. Well, I'm going to do my American. Oh. Oh. Your American accent is just creepy. No, I sound... If I do that physical thing, I sound like a Doctor Who monster.

Oh. Oh. You sound like a cow giving birth. Yes. Isn't that what she's doing in Harry Met Sally? I thought that was her. So who did you play in Chicago? Who do I play in Harry Met Sally?

I was Harry. Mama Morton. You don't say. I thought Mama Morton had to be old and fat and big and dangerous. Well, I was a lipstick version of what she is. You were like a sort of sexy big mama. Oh, yeah. That's it. You get all some good songs in that.

Yes. Di-di-di-di-di-di-di. Have you ever been asked to be in Chicago? I was asked to be the Mr. Cellophane. Oh, were you? Yeah. You'd be great. Yeah, I preferred, if they'd offered me Billy Flynn,

I might have gone for it. Now I feel, but don't phone, the moment is gone. But, yeah, I wouldn't mind. I was asked about doing George Formby, the musical, playing George Formby. Oh, that would be a great idea. Yeah, because I play the ukulele. Well, I'm still up for that, yeah.

E, e, e, e, e, e, e. That's basically that one. I've got all the accents today. So you must have a great American accent then. Well, it was quite a long time ago. Oh, come on, give us a bit. You went quite posh when you said it was quite a long time ago. Well, it was quite a long time ago. Oh, come on, give us a bit. You went quite posh when you said it was quite a long time ago. I know it was quite a long time ago now.

I'd like you to do it, because people will think we've got an American guest, which sounds good for the show. You know, John Barrowman is an American, but he's actually a Glaswegian, and he admits it. He's Glaswegian, he has this Glaswegian accent, but he's an American. He plays a full-time American.

Oh, so he's not really American, John Barrowman? No, no. I absolutely assumed he was American. But he talks about it very openly, and every time he's interviewed, he'll slip into his Glaswegian accent when he's with his family and things. He says it's like being bilingual. Yes, well, he'd know about that. So, it's my favourite band in all the world.

Absolute. We're with Gabby Rosling, and we've got people texting in and stuff about the stupidest lies they've ever told. Are you a liar, Gabby? Are you a liar? Are you a liar, Gabby Roslin? I have never told a lie. No, I don't really tell lies,

but there is... Years ago, I was at a friend's book launch, and this woman who'd had quite a few glasses of whatever it was, the freebie white wine, came up to me and said, Oh, I love you, I love you, oh, you're fantastic, I love you. And I was thinking, oh, that's nice. And then she said, oh, please, please, please, just sign this book, because I love you.

So I went, OK. And she went on and on. So I said, OK, what shall I write? She said, to me, Angela. And put, to Angela, lots of love. I love you so much, Ulrika Johnson. So I said, okay, I'll sign that. And I did, and I signed it as Ulrika.

And that one went away. And then she came back over, she introduced somebody. She went, oh, look, it's Ulrika. Oh, it's so lovely to meet you. I've loved you for years. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I think you should have, it's so lovely to meet you. I've loved you for years. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I think you should have told Sven, you're an Ericsson. I thought that was quite underhand.

Wow. I've never admitted it to that. Poor woman is sitting there with Ulrika Johnson's autograph and she thought it was Ulrika. Yeah, but actually, I thought that shows you in a very good light. Although it shows you as someone who easily turns to lies to get out of a difficult situation. I mean, you could have got quite touchy about being mistaken.

Oh, no, I took it as a big compliment. I thought you were going to say Gabby Logan if she got the wrong one. Oh, no, people do that. Because I get into it, you know, I walk down the street, because I do walk all over London, and people will come up to me and say, how are the twins? I don't have twins.

And they'll say, oh, yes, it's Gabby. Oh, they'll say, how's your... Oh, the football. What's happening with the football? I go, I don't know. Just do your usual lying thing. That's what you should do. The twins, well, one of them's got whooping...

They've all got whooping cough kids. So you could... That'll be a safe bet. I imagine twins, they'll get things individually, do they? I suppose one catches it from the other. Well, if it's the swine flu, you know, you've got to... If there's anyone listening who's got twins, don't phone in, look after your twins.

You've got enough to be doing. Yeah, I don't want Hugh Hefner phoning in, because he's got twins at the moment. I beg your pardon? Yeah, Hugh Hefner, you know, he has, like, three girlfriends. He got rid of the last lot, who I completely loved. And he's got... Who you completely loved.

There's a programme called Girls at the Playboy Mansion. Oh, yes. Have you seen it? Which is fantastic. On E, isn't it? On E Channel. It's on 151 E Entertainment. But it's not on.

It's ended now. We're talking that show more than Gavis. Oh, yeah. That's right. No, but 246 on Sky is home, which is the rebranded... It might be home to you. It's home. It's not home to me.

It's UK TV style has been rebranded and called Home, and that's where you can find my show every weekday night at 9 o'clock. Well, wherever I lay my hat, that's what I call home. You can lay your hat at the 246 door. I can, but not David. So David Guest got his Cambridge house. No, he didn't. But Brendan Cole

He's quite picky, I reckon, David Guest, though. Quite picky? Yeah, quite choosy. I think the problem is, if you buy a house in Cambridge and you're David Guest and it's on telly, then everyone knows where David Guest lives. But you know what, I have to say the extraordinary thing about David Guest is that wherever we went people ran up and hugged him and loved him the only other person is somebody like Barbara Windsor that people just go up and absolutely love but everywhere we went with

David it was David and young old Japanese English whatever come back. He did all the accents. Pretending to be. They all thought he was Tom Jones who'd been in a fire. They hugged him out of sympathy. Tom, what's happened to you? Well, I've been in the most terrible blaze. Yeah. So, that's what happened there.

Listen, when you walk down the street, I'm sure people aren't all hugging you and kissing you. I'm sure they have opinions. Not with the swines, no. I might let them anywhere near me. They don't recognise me in my mask. You have a man now who goes round with a cattle prod to keep people away.

Actually, now, he's always done that. Ow! I told you not to hit me with that again. Can you not? No, but my point is, if I'd said to you, to your programme people, oh, yes, I'd love to buy a house in Inverness, then it would have been on the telly.

People would know then where I lived in Inverness. So that would lay me open to kidnap. And how many times have people tried to kidnap you? Is this a big problem of yours? Well, Rag Week, it's a nightmare with the students. Actually, David Guest, though, probably has a neon sign outside of his house, saying David Guest lives here. David Guest's house.

That's probably Guest's house. This man is the pond machine. That's why he's here. So, you were, as you say, you are an actress. No, I went back. I trained as an actress, but I've been a presenter now for 21 years. Yeah, but you were in How You Met Sally. Not Ali Met Sally.

That's the Scottish version. Or the Muslim version, but you played Sally. And you were in Chicago. I went to Ali McCoy's. That's weird, you see. I went straight to Ali McCoy's. I went to Ali McCoy's, says Gabby Rogan. No, you know what I mean.

Says Gabby Logan. Oh, God. She probably does go to Ali McCoy's Gabby Rogers. No, you know what I mean. He says Gabby Logan. Oh, God. She probably does go to Ali McCoy I imagine for advice. Absolute. I once heard that track played on Radio One by David Kidd Jensen and in the middle of it he faded it down. See, I haven't

learned to do clever stuff like this. In the middle of it he faded it down really quiet and he learned to do clever stuff like this in the middle of it he faded it down really quiet and he went the kid plays the boss oh it was absolutely fantastic genius

I hope that was in the 80s it must have been I think it probably was that was Bruce Springsteen in case you don't know who the boss is and he was born to run

apparently didn't notice him in the marathon last week so that didn't last long. Yeah he's all tall he's another liar. He probably didn't

crawl then he's probably like you bad with directions. Yeah. See how we link everything together that's amazing. Bear in mind

people only listen to this show for four minutes so it's no good referring back to it. Until a song comes on. So next I'll tell you what

I got guilty about is that every week we get plugged by the people before us yes the people before us the people Neil Francis Neil always says coming up Francis

which I really like that and I'm still learning the trade I don't do it so I was all set to plug Jo this week and then she's ill so it's Martin Collins is on after this. Just the backs. I know, I shouldn't be laughing because I know what you're going to say.

Go on. About what happened to Martin Collins. Well, you were there. I was downstairs and they wouldn't let him in the building. Oh, no, that's terrible. The security guard wouldn't let him in. Well, it is terrible because we'd have to do four hours if he didn't turn up. I think he might be, I think that might have been him, actually.

Did he say, do you know who I am? No, he didn't. He was just standing there. He said, check my email. There he is. He's outside. He said, check my email. Hello. I really am Martin Collins. You knew who I was, didn't you? I did. I knew him. Martin Collins has burst into the studio.

This is a very exciting moment for us all. Martin Collins! Thank you for the plug. Where's my Martin Collins jingle? I told you I needed a Martin Collins jingle. Sorry, if you hadn't, it's very last minute. So it must be very exciting. When did you get the call?

Last night. What time? Six o'clock. Oh, well, you've had ages. I confirmed it at about ten. Oh, really? I had a drunken phone call from one of the producers here. I won't mention his name, Paul.

Yeah, that's that, really. So so I thought I'd better go in then. Yeah. And let you in. Let you in, I didn't know. I know, he said, OK, come with me, you stay here. I think it's exciting. I think it's like, you know when the pilot slumps over in an aeroplane and they have to talk them down from the HQ thing,

it's a bit like that. You've been brought in at the last minute and you haven't prepared about this. It's going to be spontaneous and I'm quite excited about it. You don't look that excited if you don't mind me saying that. I'm always excited to be here. I worked under the former banner in Golden Square, which I won't mention, of course.

Yes. What, Virgin? As you know, yellow's the one. Yes. Gareth had a good idea that if Virgin had done a goal, they'd just play old stuff they could call it Spinster but it wouldn't work there with Absolute Gareth, he's very clever

I think actually it might have even been my joke but I've given it to him because he's young and needs the help No, it was me Was it you? Can we officially say it was Gareth's joke because I'm still not sure. If only I recorded all my conversations for the comedians. OK, so Martin, you'll be with us after the break.

I'm looking forward to it. Gabby, your show is on home. On home. Nine o'clock on. Nine o'clock, weekday nights. Yes, and the first one is with David Guest. It has gone out already. Thursday, Friday.

It's all next week, and then it's repeated as well. I bet it is. They've got no other programmes on hold. I just think it's on perpetually. Because they love it, that's why. I'm a dog whisperer man myself. Anyway, thank you very much. This was Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now wash your hands.