The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Graham Fellows

Episode Date: March 20, 2010

This week Frank told the team about his musical debut, Emily revealed she has a personal trainer and Gareth squeezed another story out of his Ray Montblanc visit.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner. Good morning! Yes, it certainly is, and I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth.

Hi! Oh, I don't know a shit about the hi. Well, I was told I was too loud this week, so I'm just testing it I'm with Gareth. Hi. Oh, I'm not sure about the hi. Well, I was told I was too loud this week, so I'm just testing it out. What, by a technician? No, by someone in a hotel, but that's another story. Oh, OK. Were they trying to get the council to order? They were trying to get us to get to sleep next door.

OK? Do you see? I see, yeah. Well, I feel I want to hear that story now, but we'll hear it after, maybe. I'm still reeling. I'm reeling. Why are you reeling? No time for fishing. Yeah, the world's smallest...

You know, I thought about a fish, and I thought that only, because it's too early to mod you the water. But no. Yeah, the world's smallest man died this week. What, He-Ping-Ping? He-Ping-Ping, yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you remember, he used to... mod you the water but no yeah the world's smallest man died this week what he ping ping he ping ping yeah i don't know if you remember he used to uh i think he was named after one of those tennis playing machines used to get those uh frank yeah he ping ping died and i don't know if you're aware

of he ping ping but i've often you know like the world's tallest man who was around i think he's from eastern europe or something he was around quite a bit. Nothing likeable about him. Not the sort of bloke you'd think, oh, you know, I wouldn't mind going out with him one night, the world's tallest man. Whereas he, ping, ping, got a little jolliness about him. Yeah.

Oh, lovely. It'd be great company. You can imagine driving, you know, and him sitting on the dash, chatting to you about stuff as you as you went down nodding his head yeah he was um 29 inches um but did you know him apparently someone else has stepped forward already saying that they're going to take his place as the world's shortest man well presumably this is what a man who was known until recently as the world's

second shortest man. Is it him? I'm guessing it's him. Well, he's 18 years old. He sounds like Miss World, doesn't he? He's 18 years old. His name's Kagendra Tapat Magar. You're going to hear that name a lot. Get used to it. And he's from Nepal. And he's 20 inches.

And how tall was he, Ping Ping? He was 29 inches. No, hold on. Nine inches shorter. So hold on a minute. So He-Ping-Ping was not the world's shortest man. It's suggesting He-Ping-Ping was some sort of a fraud and Kagendra Tapamaga was the rightful holder of the title.

Well, is it possible to have a... You know when people have those raised heels in their shoes? Is there a reverse of that you can wear? Like sort of a small hole? Makes you a lot shorter. A trench. Yeah, that's it. What he's done is he's been...

Everywhere he goes, he goes in there the night before and digs a small trench. And he ping-pings, turns out to be some sort of charlatan. What I particularly like, Frank and Gareth, is that I was reading on this website where they were discussing the fact that he died and it was very sad, and someone had posted a comment about the death, saying,

his face bears a striking resemblance to that of Michael Winner. Poor chap, one indignity heaped upon another. May his delightful and gentle soul rest in peace. Well, I like the last bit. At least he was nice at the end. But if you're writing about the world's smallest man,

you don't have to come up with a looky-likey joke, do you? I mean, you've got the world's smallest man to be working with. How old is the... Well, I'm calling him the new world's shortest man. But I like the way he claims the 20 inches as well. Is it worth sticking in a claim on the hope that they don't check? Maybe I could say, as it turns out,

I'm the world's shortest man. What about that? I'm shorter than you think. I'm just always very close to you. Yeah, well, I'll just say, I'm the world's shortest man. And when they say, well, we need to check, I'll say, oh,'ll say i'm really busy i'm just gonna have to take my work can you turn it down if you're the world's shortest man you're gonna fuck you're the new world's shortest man i don't want it i don't want it you know i'm you know i want to spend more time with my family

no what is this because we did yeah there was there was a story about someone who didn't want to take on the i can't remember if it was the world's tallest man. Oh, it was the tallest man. Maybe I should do some research. Is this a garrison? I think it's a garrison. There's something in my memory, something from the past. Yes, I find that with memory.

Often it tends to be retrospective rather than looking forward. So, I mean, good luck to Klegra Tapamaga, 18, of Nepal. Oh, he's 18. He hasn't finished growing yet. Well, that's why it is, then. We've worked it out. He'll have a growth spot at any minute. I was only 10 inches tall until I was 14. Is that right? Yeah, then just...

And now it's all... My puberty kicked in. Yeah, so now you're what? About six foot? Yeah. Wow, that must have been a hell of a spout. It was. Oh, God, your mum must have been buying a blazer every day. She got me elasticated trousers.

Oh, they sound nice. Clipped to my shoes with just a hook. You didn't wear elasticated trousers. I bet you did. You need a sort of a spandex school uniform that you could just expand. Well, I'd like to have been in your house when you were on the op as it were that must have been exciting times indeed well anyway we if any of them obviously our thoughts are with his family frank he ping pings relatives aren't listening

but my thoughts with his family in the terms of how tall are they no i whenever people say my thoughts with his family which we of how tall are they? No, whenever people say my thoughts are with his family, which we hear a lot said, I always think it sounds like the most insincere thing you could say about anything. So I'm going to be... My thoughts are not with his family. I have no care for he, ping, ping's family.

My thoughts are with him. May his delightful and gentle soul rest in peace. Yes, I hope he's ascending to heaven as we speak. Let's hope it's not stairs. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in about he ping... I like that.

That was great. Well, everyone's going to go out and bite. Everyone's got it. Who could possibly want it by now? Listen, we've had a text in about He Ping Ping. Ah. Frank, He Ping Ping was the shortest man, as you cannot hold the title until being 18, and Kagendra has only just turned 18,

and that's from David from Bracknell. Well, thank you, David. That's amazing. That makes sense, I guess, that you can't hold it until you... Because a three-year-old could say, I'm the world's shortest man. That would make... Yes.

But see, when I was a kid, we were always told that you didn't stop growing until you were 21. OK. And now people say 18. Now, I can see how that happened with, like, the drinking age went down, but the growing age, it's like somebody's, the government have said, oh, it's going to be 18 now. I mean, is there a move to make it that you stop growing at 16?

Anyway, thank you very much for sending in that text. We're on 8, 12, 15. If you want to text us about absolutely anything at all. But that's brilliant. I love it when they join in. It's funny you should say that because we've had another text that I'd like to read out. Which is from Ken Kirkham and he says... I'm liking him. I like his name already. I'm liking Ken Kirkham.

Ken Kirkham says, hey Frank, great show, but please sort out that bin behind you. He's looking on the webcam, Ken Kirkham. I didn't think anyone looked at me or Gareth on the webcam. Ken Kirkham. I didn't think anyone looked at me or Gareth on the webcam. Ken Kirkham does. This is actually, Ken, that's actually Metal Mickey

who's been beheaded. Now, anyone who's not watching on the webcam, just trust me that that was funny. I'm going to do it now, Ken. Are you watching? Ken. There we are. You see, I did it quite noisily so that people who were just listening to it on radio, they still get a sense of being part of the whole experience.

I reckon that was a Sony Award winning moment. I think it was as well. When are the Sony Awards? I don't know. Will we get one? Oh, God, if we don't get at least three, I'm going to smash the studio. What's better than this? Have you ever listened to other

stations? Absolutely rubbish. They are. I'm embarrassed by other radio stations. I actually text them up and say, close down. For all our sakes. Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. I might get to sit next to Tony Hadley again.

I'm not going to be one of these people that, you know, I say, oh, no, I don't suppose we're pretty. No, no, I'm absolutely, I'm dead set. How many are we up for? Do you know, Emma? Three or four. Three or four. Oh, that'll do us.

I think the producer doesn't know how many awards we're up for. But, yeah, I'll settle for three. Is it like the Oscars, though, when you're supposed to lobby and try and ingratiate yourself with the industry because you've just said you hate all other radio? I didn't say I hated them. I didn't say I hated them. I said they were rubbish. Oh, right.

I sympathise with them. You've got pity. Yeah. It's like when you see the very poor and homeless on the streets. You don't hate them, but you don't think, oh, brilliant, I wish I was like that. Anyway, that's enough of this. That's, that was a good, we get a lot of camcorder, not camcorder, what's it called? Webcam.

Oh, yeah. The webcam. But they're all about, oh, you're looking good today, Emily. I don't like it. No, but that's why you start pointing it at the bin instead of me. And no one noticed. That's why I don't care. I'll tell you something.

I'll tell you something I did this week. I did a kind of a performance of a musical. Oh, great. What was it? Well, some of you may know that Daveorman um has a radio show on this channel on on this station rather sorry slip back into the days i used to be on television anyway um so uh yeah and that wasn't that up until you said that you thought all other tv was rubbish yes i think i did but that. So Dave has got...

He works with Danielle and Martin on that show. And Danielle and Martin have written a musical. Oh. Right? Yes. So look to yourselves. But what? I don't understand. When are you coming to this?

How does he get Rodgers and Hammerstein and I get the Chockel brothers? Who dealt that hand? So anyway, I went along. What do you mean you went along? Well, I'm in it. You're in their musical, but they're not on our show. I don't have to be.

That's a different show. They're friends. It's not a radio musical. Yeah, I don't care, but they're sniffing around our host. How would they like it if I started sniffing around their host? I bet they wouldn't like that. What if I put Dave Gorman in a magazine spread doing like a swimwear shoot or something? How would they like it if I started sniffing around their host? I bet they wouldn't like that. What if I put Dave Gorman in a magazine spread doing like a swimwear shoot or something?

How would they like them apples? As long as he can combine it with a cardigan, I think that would work for Dave. Well, um... You've been seeing other co-presenters. That's what you've been doing. I'm quite jealous. I feel like Cheryl Cole. Actually, you look like Cheryl Cole

as well this morning. I was going to mention that earlier. So, what am I doing now? I'm pressing the adverts. I'm sorry. Having slacked off all the radio stations, I've now said, what am I doing now? I'm pressing the adverts, which to me spoils the whole mystery of it.

Absolute. Radio. So this is Frank Skirran, Absolute Radio, with Emily, with Gareth. You can text us on 81215. That's all you need to know for the moment. I was just... Those of you who were with us

before we went into the adverts will remember that I was talking about the fact that I went up to this... I suppose it was a kind of... It was a public reading of the musical. So you hadn't learned the lines? No, I hadn't learned the lines. I only had a song to do. OK. You had to sing. Oh, it's a musical. So you hadn't learned the lines? No, I hadn't learned the lines. I only had a song to do.

You had to sing? It's a musical. That was the clue, you see. Yeah, but sometimes they get Rex Harrison who can't sing. I'm not saying you can't, I'm just saying. I've grown accustomed to her face. Like breathing out and breathing in. Yes, they do get

Rex Harrison, but he's dead. OK. That's him and the smallest man. Oh, dear. Who's alive anymore? More dead people later. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so Rex Harrison wasn't in it, but I got up anyway.

So it was in a place called the Albany in Great Portland Street, which is in London, which is a large conurbation in the southeast of england and um they were it was a very talented cast i mean i was watching them before my bit and they were really good good singers harmonies great jokes i mean i was oh you've been having a great time with these new friends yeah sorry you stuck with the chuckle brothers well just just to make you feel a little bit better i went up and i got the words wrong i sang through the instrumental break so i started like i started the next thing and it was a completely different instrumental break and it was one of those that i looked at the pianist and he he looked like a man who was

that he knew the plane was going down. And I was singing it. It was like a duet. So I was with this woman called Liz. We'd just had one rehearsal on the stage. Who's Liz? Anyway, and it was... Oh, man, it went so wrong.

So the music was playing. There was a bit where I turned to Danielle, who was standing at the side of the stage, and said, sorry, in the middle of the song. It was so bad. It was so bad. And then to try and save you, I ad-libbed a gag at the end, which did get a big laugh, but I realised it was very similar to a gag that was later in the script that I hadn't read, so it killed that gag later on. So I was not only doing damage, I was putting damage in storage to be done later. It was... I can't tell you how I felt after.

I stepped off the stage and there was no applause or anything. People were... they were in shock. And I stood there and everyone was, you know, I couldn't escape. And I could feel waves going up and down me of horror. Right, you know, because it was public humiliation. A sort of embarrassment to be there. And then I thought... I thought, you know, I'd seen a documentary recently

in which a man... Do you know what a bullet ant is? No. I think it's the most poisonous ant in the world. It's called a bullet ant because when it bites you, it's like you've been shot by a bullet. And this bloke put his hands in these gloves which had been woven with these bullet ants. So he had about 300 bites on his hands

just to see what the pain would be like and feeling that it would be so intense it would somehow purify him. And that's what it was like. That's what the evening was like. I felt that I'd been cleansed by my own humiliation. It was so bad that it took all the dirty bits out of my bloodstream.

So there you go. I'm pleased you didn't enjoy it. If you stray away from me and Gareth, this is what will happen. I didn't mean to not enjoy it that much. It was... Well, listen, we've had some advice, Yeah, but I didn't mean to not enjoy it that much. It was, it was, oh. Well, listen, we've had some advice, though, on

how to get a Sony Award. Oh, okay. This is from Steve at the Village Bakery in Birchington. Oh! Sorry, I'm still recoiling from remembering that night. He says, Frank, to make sure you get a Sony Award, make sure there's a Raymond Blanc

tale each week. There's Radio Gold. Well, make sure there's a Raymond Blanc tale each week. There's Radio Gold. Well, I hope there's no irony in that. No, I shouldn't think so. In case you don't know, Gareth is big mates with Raymond Blanc. He's not mates. He went into a tea shop once where he works

and saw him once and has strung out about nine anecdotes out of this. Yeah, but you did speak to him, didn't you? Yeah, he came over. Hold it, hold it. Yeah, he came over. Hold it, hold it. Yeah, he came over and said, oh, you have a little one pointing to Ethan. That's rather rude.

Thank God. I was going to say, he's very, what is he, a psychic? He-Ping was there. Oh, right. He-Ping was just lounging in an eclair he was making a sort of bed out of it yeah sort of an isolation chamber for himself so anyway did he zip up did he get inside of that zip up the eclair from the inside so go on what what did Raymond say? Here he comes, Raymond.

After he'd said, you have a little one. And he said, you have a little one. What, he's not having souffle or ice cream? And I said, no, he's a bit young for that. Souffle! Cheese souffle! Another, ladies and gentlemen, another Raymond Blanc. Really, that trip to the tea shop really was the gift that kept on giving, wasn't it?

Oh, I'm loving it so much. Oh, Blanc. Oh, Blanc. I'd better have some music. That would have been the ideal point to go to music. I couldn't find the button. I was not going to win a Sassoni. No.

Story of my life. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Dear Frank, it's from Steve Bourne, and he's from Moscow. A night in old Moscow. Hello, Frank. I don't know if you've ever been to Moscow,

but each week you kind of get to travel via the podcast from near the Bolshoi up past some beautiful gardens across a nightmare ring road and to one of the regions of the city most tourists don't reach. Mostly because it's a bit like Solihull. But anyway, all of the way to work

here in this quite different city you're great company so i wanted to say thanks and cheers on the first year of the show to you gareth and emily well that's lovely isn't it oh so we travel he listens to us on the podcast so we travel around i i i understand he takes us up the ball shy yes well that's lovely i i like the idea of uh being in uh all those cornfields in the evening being in his little rucksack but like he ping ping it is yeah leave it now we're keeping ping i mean have some respect yeah well that's a no i'm glad you brought that up because the the midweek podcast as we call it a lot of people have said to me i'm talking three have said oh the midweek podcast, as we call it, a lot of people have said to me, I'm talking three,

have said, oh, the midweek podcast. No, I haven't listened to that because that's like the greatest hits of the Saturday podcast, isn't it? But it isn't, you see. It's completely different. They think it's just the best bits. Yeah, but it's completely different. But it's because it's, what's it called? It's called the midi.

You never know what it's called. You always just make it up on the spot. Yeah. The mini midweek Podcast or something. Yeah. See, it needs to say, because it's got mini in it, it suggests that it's a shrunken version of the large one. Yeah.

So what we need, I think, is a new name for the Midweek Podcast to suggest that it's... That communicates it's, like, original. No, different material. Exclusive. I might be a couple of old vaudeville routines in there. We basically want you to do the work that the producer should be doing. Yeah.

If we're honest. Yeah. Let's not beat around the bush. But people like to feel part of things. That's what we're banking on. Yeah. And then you can come to the Sony's with us if you get the right, if we choose your thing.

That'd be all right, wouldn't it? Because there's only three of us, so you can get the fourth one. You can go for the sonys with us if you get the right if we choose your thing that'd be all right wouldn't you can because there's only three of us so you can get the fourth one you can go to the fourth one on your own and you might get to sit next to tony hadley like we did yeah well you didn't sit next to tony hadley you sat amongst him yeah you can sit on on tony hadley's other knee to emily yes it was she did get over familiar. So anyway, so... Yeah, so it's a... If it was called, for example... Like, when I was a kid, there used to be a weekly drama series

called The Wednesday Play. Right. You see? On the wireless? On the telly. Oh! Black and white. Our dog was, who I watched it with.

So if it was called the Wednesday play, that would suggest that you could get it on Wednesdays, but also we were at play. Oh, OK. I'm not that happy with it. My one's not great either. Oh, sell it, why don't you? It's called We Got Wednesday, We Got Podcast, We Got Pig Eyes!

Yes, it's long, and it relies on an in joke yeah well my other one is the too hot for lamb podcast which is quite an old in joke yeah going back in the that that so a nostalgic in in other words we can't think of a name but if you will what we can give can we give a prize of some kind emma what can can we give? 80 quid. No. 80 quid? Well, I always think, you know, I always think that when you don't want a T-shirt, you want 80 quid. That's what I call a prize. We could give them some of the stationery. We could give them a mark.

What about all the change in our pockets? What about... When it's read out. I've just got my little dibber thing that gets you into the absolute studio I see you've got a little one let me do that again

I see you've got a little one why is your child not drinking wine what is wrong with him no moustache maybe he would like some cognac give it a cigarette for for God's sake. Yeah, you've got your little diva. Well, maybe, yeah, we could just give them that

and then they can get in and out of Absolute whenever they want. That's a great idea. Good luck getting past the security guard. He won't let us in. Yeah, I'm up for that. So the prize is 24-hour access to the Absolute Studio. Absolute Radio. We've had some suggestions in, Frank, on 8.12.15.

Some suggestions for the name of our midweek podcast. Neil from Barking has said, Hi, why not rename the midweek podcast Frank Skinner's Bit in the Middle? I like it. I like that because there's a sense of sauciness as well to it. We've got from Gerry, we've got, how about something like the program... Oh, I don't know what's up with your throat. You've gone a bit Michael Wynne there.

Yeah, I didn't like that at all. That's better. I thought I was getting the world's smallest man through a familiar. How about something like... I have got a little one, but I'm not the world's smallest man, are you? No, I don't think.

There's only one man who knows, of course. Well, it's a matter of opinion, of course, but if you ask them, I don't know... How about something like the programme Not The Nine O'Clock News and call it Not The Weekend Podshow? That's from Jerry. So Not the Weekend Podcast.

That's from who? Say the name if they've bothered you. Oh, OK. OK. That's good, Not the Week, because that makes it clear that it's not the same thing, doesn't it? Yeah. By saying not, by using the word not.

Why didn't we think of that? Wendy's along the same line. She says, how about the I'm completely different from the other podcast podcast? Would we get that on the label? No, there's no the same line. She says, how about the I'm completely different from the other podcast podcast? Would we get that on the label? No, there's no room for that. How many characters are we allowed, Emma? 30. 30 characters?

We'd better brush up on our impressions, Penny. I'll start off with the slightly commoditally old caretaker. Hey, what you lot doing here? Want to move on out and get out and turn you out in, don't you? And I'll be David Mitchell. Now, why are you doing that? All of a sudden, the caretaker character. Okay, it could be a very long show

if we're trying to 13 this week. So let's leave that there. Okay, well, that's great. And remember, the winner gets a t-shirt. I thought they got 80 quid. Yeah, well, no, they were going to get complete 24-hour access to it, but we've been told we can't give that for some reason.

Sniffy they are at times. Now, Frank and Gareth, you might notice I'm looking rather buff. Hello. Hello. Yeah, you're looking smashing do you know why that is is it because is it because I've gone

minus 225 today instead of minus 250 so I've got both because I went up to 250 sometimes I take it from the wrong box and get a slight blur go on you look nice I know I do I've gone and got myself a personal trainer oh because I get a slight blurring. Go on. Do you want to know? You look nice. Yeah, I know I do.

I've gone and got myself a personal trainer. Oh! Personal trainer? Yeah. And he's very handsome, I have to say. That's not the only reason I went to him, but it was a motivating factor. Mr Motivator?

Is that who it is? Oh, I had a terrible incident. Give me away. I had a terrible incident with Mr Motivator. What happened? Oh, man is. Oh, I had a terrible incident. I had a terrible incident with Mr. Motivator. What happened? Oh, man. You know one of those when you say things and then you just want to... What did you say? Oh, you want to... I'll tell you what you want to do. You know that bit of skin that keeps your tongue

connected to the bottom of your mouth? You want to chop it off? Yeah, you want to get that, get your fingernails in that and rip straight through it. Oh, that's nice. That's what I felt. What happened with Mr. Motivator? I said, are you still going out with vanessa feltz he never went out with vanessa feltz yeah well that was part of the problem and he said no that was another black personal trainer and i thought oh no no well if someone i thought i'll let you down anyway so how come you've got a personal trainer, Emily?

Well, I just decided, you know, I have to accept now, my demographic is the younger man. I'm sorry, I'm not having any joy with these oldies. But when you're going to go for the younger man, you've got to get in shape. The oldies, they're lucky if you turn up, frankly. I'm sorry, you get what you're given. But your younger man, you've got to be toned.

You've got to be looking good. You need bonds of steel. So you're toning yourself up for the lechy students? Yeah, for the young lechy men. Oh, what a sad reason. It's not about health. It's nothing... I said to myself, I don't want to pump up my heart rate. I don't want to waste time doing that.

I want to get buns of steel. No cardiovascular. No, no, we're not doing that. Okay. He's great, though. He's called Brown. And he's got... I'm not the only celebrity. I am a celebrity now.

Is he a Scotsman? No. Okay. He's got another celebrity client. Suit, tie. Do you want to know the other... One eye, gapey mouth. Yeah.

No, he's very good looking. Do you want to know the other celebrity client? Oh, he's got... Yeah, I'm not the only one. When you say the other celebrity client... Deal with it, Frank. I'm a celebrity now. Okay.

It is Ivor Baddiel. David Baddiel's fat brother? Yes! Don't say that! Right. That's a great advert for this guy. Brown. You sure he's not called Brownies?

Brownies! I was really chuffed that Ivor was there. Yeah. Let me say, he's a lovely chap and a very talented comedy writer. But you don't look at him and think, well, he's lithe. No, you think of him, you look at him and think, is that David Baddiel with a stocking over his head? I think Ivor and I will be great adverts, Brown. I am surprised that Ivor wastes time with such fripperies.

And secondly, I'm surprised that... You won't be saying that when I get my 19-year-old. But who wants a 19-year-old, for goodness sake? I do. No, don't they all have nits? I imagine they have nits at that age. Osley Lee has texted in saying he's a younger man. Well, if everyone who's younger than Emily texts in,

we're going to be here all day. What's he called? Lee. Ozzy Lee. Ozzy Lee, not Rusty Lee. Okay. That's what you were thinking. No, I wasn't thinking for a second that Rusty Lee had texted in

saying that she'd like to go out with Emily, but it's an image I shall cradle in my thoughts. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've got crumbs on the, whatever you call these things I have to move about. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth. We've had a text message on 8.12.15.

Emily, how could you dismiss all us older guys? At least we know what we're doing rather than a fumbling youth. Well, you speak for yourself, mate. I'm stuck with fumbling. I thought, stick with what you know. That's what I thought. It's a good look on you. If you're looking for a partner who's always ready to agree, why not just get a Spaniel puppy? That's Rob, 97.

Well, you say that, I find them quite surly, the Spaniel. The Springer's all right, the King Charles. It's hard to make it work for the Spaniel. Can I just say, Rob, I'm not dismissing all older guys. I'll tell you what I can get, love, I won't lie to you. Let's be honest about this, let's not beat around the bush. Why the emphasis as well on the physical all the time? People say I've got a personal trainer.

You know it's going to be some bloke with a great six-pack and he's going to be working them and getting them all fit and stuff. Which he does. But why is that the emphasis? Why not say, I've got a personal trainer. We're going to see Measure for Measure on Tuesday night. He's going to explain some of the themes of the play. And then he's going to talk about Mozart. He's going to tell me about that. And we's going to explain some of the themes of the play. And then we're going to get to...

He's going to talk about Mozart. He's going to tell me about that. And we're going to do some stuff. He's going to tell me why people find me so irritating. Expand your brain. Get a personal trainer for your brain. That's what I think. I don't need one of those. I don't think our

lecturers can cope with you getting any hotter, Emily. I can't tell if she's attractiveers can cope with you getting any hotter, Emily. Oh, I love it. I can't tell if she's attractive. By the way, Graham Fellows is coming on the show soon. Oh, I really like him. In case you don't know, he's John Shuttleworth, who is, in our house, a comedy legend, might I tell you.

And in a lot of other people's houses as well. I've seen his DVD. I was sampling his words late last night. I had a little look. OK. At the DVD! Yeah. It's got a bit carry-on this morning.

Everything that sounds... I don't want any of that nonsense. I'll ask the matron why that's happening. There was a... Did you see that kid in the paper who got a letter from the school? Well, he didn't get a letter. His parents got a letter. His parents got a letter from the school? Well, he didn't get a letter. His parents got a letter.

His parents got a letter from the NHS saying he was clinically obese. Yeah. And he was forced to own two pounds when he got that. Is that clinically obese? Well, he was five years old. Five years old. So, you know. Oh, I don't know.

See, I don't know how heavy is a five-year-old supposed to be? He's three foot ten inches. So, I don't think it's... Well, thank God. Imagine him and he, ping, ping, tower above him like a mighty cyclops. I mean, I've seen a picture of him. He's not going to get any gigs doing spring-summer catwalk modelling.

However... Oh, God, this is a child! We might be listening for a wee, you know? I wouldn't describe him as obese. No, he's absolutely... He can't hear us over the munching in his ears. Yeah, I don't know if that's obese or not, but is it supposed to be... If he was obese, I think it know if that's a beast or not, but if he was

a beast, I think it's alright to write to the parents. Yeah, the parents are flipping out. They're saying, we've got this letter saying he's a beast. The government shouldn't send children letters saying they're a beast. And I don't think it was to him, and I don't think they should, they're saying they shouldn't label him as a beast. They probably shouldn't show him the letter.

No, don't show him the letter. Don't show him. Just reduce his rations. He's actually been labelled as a beast, they probably shouldn't show him the letter. No, don't show him the letter. Don't show him. Just reduce his rations. He's actually been labelled as a beast at the school. Yes. That was just mischievous boys. They just stuck that on his back. It won't be an official thing.

The NHS sent us a letter scrawled in crayon saying he was a poo-poo head and a big fatty bum-bum. Now that is out of order. And, I mean, the drawing of him, he doesn't look anything like a triangle. And the sky isn't a little blue line at the top of a page. Yes, it's this kind of thing.

There's political correctness gone. Yes. Well, I don't know. There's been one or two. There was a woman in the paper this week who, she had been 30 stone, no, 27 stone she was. Right.

And she lost 16 stone, which is, you know, really quite an achievement. That's extraordinary. That's two of me. Yeah, but not only that, but at the end of it, she was... That's four of this little boy. She was at the end of it. She lost four

little boys. At the end of it she was three inches shorter as well. Really? Wow. How can that be? Well that suggests to me that she must have had very fat soles. Her feet must have been like yeast in a cake tin.

Yeah, like fat soles and like a very fat upper, just above the skull. You know that bit of, just between the skull and the hair? That must have been quite chubby. A very padded scalp. Yeah, exactly. Wow. So as the weight's gone down, she's steadily, she's settled. Maybe it's a bit like being inflated, Like it really kind of pushes you to your limits

You know, like all her spine was all Like maybe being fat is very good for your posture I'm going to have to put a record on Absolute Radio Graham Fellows has entered the studio Morning, Graham Morning, Frank

Why? What's happened? What? And Graham has brought his mate kevin as well hello kevin okay kevin's in the corner kevin i didn't i didn't want him in here but you allowed him well i did he was looking through the window like a like a child outside some sort of posh shop in piccadilly yeah an urchin like an urchin looking in. And I thought, no, let's share. Well, I don't mind.

It's probably better he's in the corner, in the periphery of my vision than rather right behind me. Yeah, exactly. Boring into the back of my skull. But he is with you. He didn't just run in quickly when you came through the door downstairs.

No, he's the reason I'm here because he saw a bus and he said, let's jump on that bus. Because he's a Londoner, he knows his way around. OK. I live in Lincolnshire. Good.

I was there recently. No. Yeah. Have you seen that show, The Bobble, on TV? The idea is they lock people away for three weeks and then they ask them questions about the news that they've been separated from. And that's where they put us. They put us in a big house in Lincolnshire. Can you remember the town?

It was desolate there, nothing. The idea is that we were kept away from everything. So we weren't even told the name of the town lest it should be in some ways considered to be news. Right. Did you go mad? No, I liked it. Yeah, well, I like it up there.

Is it... I mean, is it... Do you live that kind of quiet country walks type of life, take the spaniel out? Er, yeah. Chocolate lab. Oh, okay. But I actually live in a part of Lincolnshire that most people wouldn't recognise because it's hilly. Okay. You know, Lincolnshire's renowned for being flat. Is it? Well, you were in a flat bit.

Yeah, it was quite flat. Now you come to mention it. But I live on the edge of the Lincolnshire Wolds. Oh, OK. Near Barbara Dixon. She's up there? Mm. Do you hear her singing ever?

I have done. How lovely. I'd love to walk past Barbara Dixon's cottage and there's a window open. Yeah, well, I'll give you my contact details. We can hang around there. Come on. I could go up there. I've never really been outside of London. I have like once or twice. Okay. So this takes us very neatly on to Southern Softies, which is your new DVD, Graham.

Well, it is. It's kind of mine and it's kind of John Shuttleworth's. Yes, yes. We should establish that you are also John Shuttleworth, who is... I think I can say this, because in a way it's not you. He's an incredibly, incredibly funny act. And it's a man who plays a small organ

and does songs and basically talks about his life. And it's a man who plays a small organ and does songs and basically talks about his life. And it's brilliant. Well, all thanks to you, Frank, because you gave me my TV break. You got your debut, didn't you? I did. Or rather, John did. On something that... Are you allowed to say the programme?

Oh, I've got to say it. Packing them in. Yeah, you gave me a big build-up. I came on and it went down very well. It did, it went great. And I didn't go on the TV for about three years after that. Yeah, the show didn't do that well, but you can't blame me for that. No, it was a good show. I was holding on by my fingertips myself.

Well, I'm glad, I'm proud to have done that, because, like I say, I think it's a brilliant act. And what happened to Jenny O'Clair? She's doing well, isn't she? Yeah, she's a grumpy old woman. She was then, if I remember right, though. They just hadn't to Jenny O'Clair. She's doomed, wasn't she? Yeah, she's a grumpy old woman. She was there, if I remember right, though. They just hadn't formalised it into a concept. So, can you

tell us a bit about what Southern Softies is about? Well, I did a film called It's Nice Up North, where... Oh. Yeah, which was set in the Shetland Isles. And it basically, as John, I went further and further north to see if people get nicer the further north you travel.

And on the whole, you do. I mean, they do. But the theory is scotched by the fact that the nicest person John meets is from Devon. Right. Which is the south, isn't it? But have they been living up north a long time and got kind of... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they've gone native. That's right. So I thought I'd make an answer film to that, which is Southern Softers and that's set in the Channel Islands, to see if people get softer the further south they go. Whether they do or not, I can't tell you, Frank, because people will have to watch the film. And do you measure...

But can you at least tell us what criteria you use for measuring their softness? You're not challenging them to this fight. You've hit the nail on the head. How do you define softness? We didn't really know. Nobody that we spoke to knew. So nothing really happens.

There's a lot of confused exchanges. And that's the film. Okay. But it's funny as well. Well, I hope so, yeah. I loved it. I watched it last night and I loved it. I thought you were going to be being mean about Londoners, but you weren't at all.

No, because, as Frank will testify, I hope, the nature of John Shetlow's comedy is not to be nasty. No, it's very gentle. It is gentle. I hope that he's always the ultimate victim. Yeah. And he leaves people sort of bemused rather than humiliated. Yes, I think that's a fair summary.

That could be a good cue for the advert. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So we were just talking about Southern Softies, which is your DVD, which I have to own up I haven't seen. I saw it. But our roving reporter, Emily, has seen it. Yeah, and I loved all the characters you met.

There was an amazing guy, wasn't there, who owned some sort of weird little nightclub and you performed and he got a bit cross, didn't he? Yeah, and this was one of the advantages of being a very low-budget, well, no-budget film, because we had no clout whatsoever, and it was the only gig in Jersey we could get. It was like an old people's home or something. No, it was a nightclub in St. Paul.

Oh, sorry, it looked like an old people's home to me. Well, nightclubs in Jersey do attend a lot. He wasn't very keen for us to come, but we couldn't get anywhere else. So I had a couple of phone conversations beforehand, and he was saying, well, you know, I'm not sure about this. I know my audience, you know, they just want to hear rock and roll. And I said, look, trust me, it'll be fine. So he was antagonistic from the word go.

So, you know, the odds were stacked against us. He gave me a really bad intro. He said, this is John Shuttleworth. What he's going to do, I have no idea. I love that. And so the audience were against John from the word go, and as you'll testify, it went round really badly, didn't it? Yeah, but it was great to watch,

I'm sorry. Absolutely. It felt bad at the time, but watching back, we realised that we had the right dynamic, because if it had gone well, then it would have been rubbish. This could rejuvenate the whole comedy DVD thing because they always do gigs that are going really well. Do you think it adds

stuff to it if it's gone? Yeah, because a lot of my early gigs and some of them now just went down really badly. But they had good moments, but you know they have that sort of edginess. You've had a few of them, haven't you? Oh God, yeah, many. As you say, in the early days

there was one after the next it was a domino effect i'd love to watch them back now properly shot and well lit so you can see every wind capturing the atmosphere except i would say that your humor is more obvious in the sense that you are trying to elicit a laugh whereas with john shuttleworth being a character he's just talking about his life, and I can never let on to the laughter. You see what I mean? He's talking about serious things in his life. People are laughing.

You can't say, oh, thank you very much for that laugh. No, but you get an extra treat with My Bad Gig because you get that silence. When you heard the rhythm, you hear the punchline, and then there's that void. Yeah. And then I begin again. I think that would have a fabulous accumulative effect

and be painful and beautiful. But I always used to contend myself with the fact if I had a bad gig or there wasn't any laughter, I used to think, well, that means that, you know, I've convinced people that I was a real person. You know, if people walked out... It's a triumph. People used to walk out and demand their money back from the box office.

That guy can't sing. I want my money back. So I thought, yes! Well, that's true, I said, but that guy... Yeah, I suppose those people, they were convinced you were a real person. See, I didn't have that as a fallback position. They were convinced I was a real person who wasn't funny, which is a slightly different position. They thought you were real?

Yes, I am real. As real as any of us are. Well, I've read your autobiography, and I know that you're real. Oh. Learned a few things about you. Now you've pulled the carpet from under me, as it were. Or is it a rock? You didn't sound very happy in the past, at times.

I think I... This has all gone a bit on the couch. What's going on? No, because I always thought you were a really happy-go-lucky guy and there was a few moments in there I thought, ooh, it's a bit sad. I think I'm... I mean, the death of my parents, I was a bit sad. You can only

take happy-go-luckiness so far. You have to have gaps for decency. Generally speaking, I think I'm pretty op. What about yourself? I've had terrible times. Oh, no. Yeah, I've been through one at the moment. Are you? Yeah. What's going on? Just relationship stuff. Oh. Well, I nearly moved to

Shetland a couple of years ago. I had a bit of a breakdown and then decided not to, luckily. But now I've bought an old church in Orkney. Oh, things are looking up. Which is not quite as far. Yeah, but that'll cheer you up. But I'm, yeah, I'm going to make a recording studio up there, eco-friendly. And you can have the friends and family rate if you want, Frank.

Thank God. I've never been up there, actually. I can't even imagine what it's like in Orkney. Windy. OK. What's it called, Orkney? Yeah. You must have at least heard of it, surely. Yeah, I think so.

So you've got to go to Lincolnshire and then you've got to go up to Orkney. Oh, I can't wait. It's on the same bus route. Absolute Radio. Marianne has texted in on 8.12.15 and said, My budgie, Monty, great name for a budgie, absolutely went mental for how I wrote Elastic Man by The Fall. Any chance of playing it again?

Well, I don't think we're allowed. I'd love to play it again, but I'll send a little personal message for Monty if he's listening. OK, here we go. I hope he laughed at that. If he didn't laugh... How desperate are you for fans for The Fall that you're now communicating with a budgie?

Well, if you think of it, humanity has spent a good deal of time communicating with budgerigars, hasn't it? That's true. And it's always... We always met them talking our language. It's like when English people go abroad.

I think you should make the effort and talk as budgerigars sometimes. Ben Jones has arrived next door. He's wearing green today. Bright green. Oh, it's bright. Looking like one of the merry men from Sherwood Forest. He's embracing this season's new colour.

I think green really is. It works. Is green in? I didn't know that. No, green's not in. But that's OK, Ben, don't worry. You still look awesome. Honestly, if Ben went to a snooker hall this afternoon, he could hide very easily by just throwing himself flat on the table.

Just pull up the hood, and people would be playing, and what happened to that shot? It seems to just stop in the middle of the table. Almost like it was caught in an armpit. Seems to be a bit of a bump. Yeah, it wouldn't work that out. So I've been filming all week. Oh.

White hair! White hair! I've been filming. What were Oh. I've been filming. What were you filming? I'm doing a documentary about George Formby. Oh, is that why we're not going to be here next week? Because we're going maybe up to Blackpool? Maybe, maybe. In case you don't know who George Formby is, he was a man from the north of England

who used to sing stuff like, with me little stick of Blackpool rock. And do you know what? Any of you watching on the webcam will realise I can't sing that without imitating a ukulele. It's impossible. We are going to be on the radio, aren't we? We're just going to be in a different studio.

That's it. Yes. Next week we're going to Blackpool. So this week I've been filming. I filmed in a school where they're all learning ukulele. And I introduced them to, I told them about George Formby. And I said, well, I said, I'm going to go out the door. I'm going to come back in.

I said, then we're going to film. You've got to imagine that you've never seen me before and that you're really, really happy. So imagine, like, say I'm Ant and Dick. So you're really excited. And this kid said, can we imagine you're 50 Cent? It's like a seven-year-old kid. Good heckle, eh? No, you can't imagine that i won't be i won't be

associated with that hoodlum and then this girl said what about rihanna and i thought hold on i'm not taking suggestions i don't know you could imagine i am and they called me they called me they'd obviously been told what my name was they call you sir when i? When I walked in, they said, Good morning, Frank Skinner. I said, Good morning. And then a couple of kids came up to me and they said, Frank Skinner, did you ever meet George Forman? And then it says, Frank Skinner, how long have you been playing the youth? What is this?

I like the formality. It reminds me of when Jimmy Savile was on Big Brother and they'd explain to Sean Tell Houghton that he used to do Jimmelfixie and she got mixed up and after I heard her say to someone, yeah, Jimmelfixie was saying that. Yeah, my brother used to think he was called Jimmel.

That's a good name. That can't be true, can it? Yeah, Jimmell. Well, I'll get away with it. So when do we go to Blackpool? Hold on, I'm going to play a bit of music first, but then we can set up the whole Blackpool thing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. And it was our studio until a minute ago, but guess who's just walked in? Yes, Big Ben has walked in. Yeah. Dong. Don't you use that, Ben. Aren't you tempted to get that as a jingle?

Dong. I think it would work very well. Yeah, I'm all for it. Or Gentle Ben. You've got to look at a Ben. Oh, I love that. How come he gets to be Big Ben and I'm the man with the little one?

Well, don't blame me. Blame. You know who to blame, don't you? You know who to blame. Raymond Bloch, your best friend. We've had some more suggestions for the... That's weird, over a French backing track. So, more suggestions for the midweek podcast.

Lovely. Vanessa from Caterham, a suggestion for the midweek podcast, Quite Frankly, It's All New. Quite Frankly, I see. See, that's... And from Kidderminster said, Frank's Midweek Moorish. Well, that's a pawn. And from Kidder Minster said, Frank's midweek Moorish.

Well, that's good. Midweek Moorish. Midweek Moorish. Although, will people imagine that's me doing extracts from Othello? Yes, that's exactly what they'll imagine. Because that could reduce the amount of people downloading, I think. I'm not saying that no one would download, but me going, oh, Iago. It's on all that, you know, people think, oh, I hate it when he does that.

I like that when they just mess about in the studio. I don't like it when he does the great tragic heroes. I like that. Frank Skinner's midweek Moorish. It's good. So, look, I've got to get ready for Blackpool. When are we going to this Blackpool thing? Yeah, so next week we're going to be live from...

Well, actually, we're going to be in Preston. I'm going to Blackpool. Oh, OK. But you can come to Blackpool after, because I'm going to the George Formby convention which is two days what's that where? Clogs

Clogs are actually in they are in Preston I should imagine they've never been out we don't have to go on rides do we? I hate rides maybe we should discuss rides when we're up there because we're running out of time. But I've got

strong views about rides as well. Okay, well that's it from us. Do tune in to Frank Skinner's Midweek Moorish. Oh, yeah. Good day to you. Absolute Radio.