The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Greg Behrendt

Episode Date: August 29, 2009

Lee Mack sits in for Frank Skinner with Emily & Gareth by his side. American comic and author Greg Behrendt is this weeks guest.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Absolute Radio, live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Lee Mack on the Absolute Radio podcast, and I've got Emily and Gareth with me. I'm filling in for Frank Skinner, who unfortunately has got a sore throat.

And should we summarise the highlights of what happened on the show before they listen? Yeah, you did really well. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. I thought you two were particularly professional. Yeah, we were great. Obviously, we were great. And I think... It's hard to pick highlights. On a radio show?

I think, well, no, just because it was all just of such high quality. I know what you mean. When you listen to some of the other stations, they always do those little jingles about what they did that morning. This morning I had cornflakes, you didn't have cornflakes, so I did. And it's always like, what's the point of that? What's the point? We don't want to know that.

You can't have highlights of casual chat, can you? Can I tell you what the personal highlight was for me? What? Greg Berent. Oh, just listening in for this bit of romance that's about to happen on this particular podcast that we like to call Emily's Eating Disorder. Shut up, Lee! Absolute Radio.

So this is Lee Mack filling in for Frank Skinner, who unfortunately has got a sore throat this morning and can't be with you. But, and this is a good link, two people who haven't got a sore throat are Gareth and Emily. Hello. Back, as ever. How are you? Very good. Very well. Poor old Frank. It does sound a bit like he's in the Priory suffering from exhaustion, but I should stress he's not.

That would be a good exclusive to start the show today. Frank's going to come with us this morning because he's in the Priory, ladies and gentlemen, with Noel Gallagher. No, he's just been working really hard and he's got a sore throat, poor Frank. We love you and we wish you better. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? What about you, Gareth? Do you love Frank? Do you wish him better? I love Frank with all my heart. And I wish that he...

Yeah. I think if he's listening, he'd probably rather have a remedy for his sore throat than your love, if I'm going to be honest. OK. What remedies can we suggest? Have we got any suggestions for a good sore throat remedy? I like a Fisherman's Friendly.

Can I do the punchline for that? I'm sure you will. I'm sure you'll fill in the gaps on that one. Isn't that just a sore throat tablet? Yeah. Are Fisherman's Friends still going? I believe so, yeah. They were sure people will fill in the gaps on that one. Isn't that just a sore throat tablet? Yeah. Are Fisherman's Friends still going? I believe so, yeah. They were in the 70s when I last checked.

What about lockets? Oh, yeah, I like a locket. Lockets are good. Strepsils, I like a strepsil. What we used to do is put a locket in the cup and then pour the boiling water onto the locket. If you didn't have a Lemsip to hand, pour it on, wait till it's got, you know, not too hot,

because honey gets very hot inside a Limesip, inside a locket. And then you let it sort of brew for a while. Have a gargle and put some salt in. Salt? Oh. Yeah, well, that's just to annoy the ladies when we're kissing. Talking of kissing, we bonded yesterday, didn't we? We didn't kiss. We didn't kiss? You're married.

We're talking about you and Emily here, not the three of us. No. Yeah, there wasn't some sort of menage a trois that early on. But we bonded, didn't we, by going to see shows together at the Edinburgh Festival. No, you just stalked me all day. You followed me around. I think standing at your bathroom window at four in the morning

and shouting out what I feel isn't stalking. It's expressing my desires. But we did, we sort of suddenly were put together, weren't we, in a day. And I learned a lot about you very early on, which was quite interesting. Did you? What did you learn? Oh, yeah, you'll learn a lot about Emily early on. That's how it goes. I learned that you have strange eating habits to start with.

I do. Because you told me that sometimes when you're on your own, that you like to eat. I'll let you explain it. Oh, really? It's so embarrassing. Well, I think the fact that you think this is normal was the bit that I found. I do. I just said, does everyone do this?

Does everyone eat weird things? Because, you know, when you're on your own, there's no ceremony, is there, with eating? So you just eat strange things directly from the fridge, maybe squatting. Or is that just me? Squatting? At the fridge, yeah.

I think this could be an eating disorder. You squat at the fridge and just start putting your hands and shovel it in your mouth. I might have sometimes. So sometimes, for example, I might have egg whites and just put some sugar in it and not bother to cook it as a meringue. Is that weird? It isn't normal and it's probably phenomenally unhealthy in terms of the salmonella problem. I would have thought you have to cook an egg white.

But you're eating egg white. Egg white with sugar doesn't constitute meringue. It has to go in the oven for at least... I don't know about cooking, but I know it has to be cooked. It's like a half meal that I'll have, basically. And also, egg white's got quite a snotty consistency, hasn't it? You're basically eating sweet white snot. Oh, my God!

Yeah, how do you gag it down? That's really unpleasant. And it's horrible eating, because I tried that Rocky thing. You know in Rocky where he eats the raw eggs? Oh, yeah. I've tried that, and I did the five eggs in the cut. And the problem is, once you start, there's no backing out. Because once the first bit goes down, it all follows.

It just follows down, and you can't stop. Like a big string. Like a big, stringy, gloopy mess. Yeah, it's exactly like that. Sometimes in the morning before the show Emily will eat a whole ostrich egg just all down in one.

I do not. That's a nice start to the day isn't it? And even more shocking than that maybe people we've been asked by the producer

to get people to text in so maybe people can text in their strange eating things and also maybe a remedy for Frank would be nice. Yeah. That would be nice and I also think

a good thing another thing I learned about you Emily is the game shouldn't but would which I'd never heard of. Oh yeah. That's people you. And I also think a good thing, another thing I learned about you, Emily, is the game Shouldn't But Would, which I'd never heard of. Oh, yeah. That's people you shouldn't fancy, but you do.

Well, not just fancy, but people you would consider going to bed with, but you shouldn't. Yeah. Which, I understand the concept of that game, but I can't understand anyone that would choose Gaddafi. I just said that in privately. I can't believe you're telling everyone.

Gaddafi! Gareth, have in privately. I can't believe you're telling everyone. Gaddafi. Gareth, have you got anyone that you shouldn't really... Please don't say any more Middle East leaders. I've also got Henry VIII. I bet everyone knows about that. Henry VIII. And mine is Judi Dench. Although she's not too bad.

Yeah, I was going to say. I shouldn't but would. Who's yours, Lee? This is Absolute Radio live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio. Here, what about Thora Heard for shouldn't but wouldn't

but would? Oh, God. Yeah, but she's a funny woman. I used to like Thora Heard and I think there's something appealing about her. And also, when she whisks you upstairs to bed, you've got a lift, haven't you, because you can sit on that chair. That's attached to the banister. And that's always what I look for in a woman. Easy access to the upstairs.

She'd give you one of those personal alarms so you'd know help was on its way. Yeah. If you had a fall. Actually, a lot of women I've dated have had those personal alarms at some point. Usually after I've met them. Yeah.

Coming up in the show later on We have Greg Berent Who you love, don't you Emily? I absolutely Is it Berent? Is that how you pronounce his surname? Greg Berent Just say it in American accent

He's got one of those names You have to have an American accent to pronounce Don't you? Because it's spelt B-E-H-R-E-N-D-T Berent B-E-H, Lee What did I say? H

Yeah, well I've never bought into that concept. The idea that you don't... Every letter surely starts with the letter that it's supposed to be. You can't drop the H in H. People say hotel. No, it's H. And herbs. It's H.

It's H. No. Are we just going to argue about this for the next two hours? I don't care what the official rules are, OK? Skinner's not here now. It's herbs and hotel and H. Frank, Skinner's not here now. It's Herbs and Hotel and H. Frank says H. Does he?

Yeah. Well, that's because if you keep saying the... If you drop the H, you end up with a sore throat. Oh, yeah. That's been proven. It makes you ill.

If you don't agree with me, you end up with an illness. That's how I used to chat these women up. That would be my opening line. You don't agree with me, love. You get an illness. What can I get you to drink?

Oh, come on, Thora. Just a sherry, I used to say. So, Greg Barrett. Now, Greg is actually one of these people that is massive in America. And I'd be fair to say he's not quite as big over here, but he's getting bigger. But he's huge in America, isn't he? Oh, he is.

And you were absolutely amazed to meet him. This is like Mahatma Gandhi coming on the show. Is Mahatma Gandhi a shouldn't but would? Yeah? He might be. No, Greg, to me, he's changed my life. I will save that for when he comes on. I'm going to tell him face to face.

Okay. Okay? He changed your life or saved your life? Well, both, maybe, but he's changed my life. He's changed your life because he's the author of a very well-known book called He's Just Not Let Into You, which has been turned into a film, hasn't it? Yeah. When I mentioned that to you yesterday, you said you were going to write

a similar book called It's Okay, I Married Love. Well, yeah, but I think it's fair that I thought, you know, that was a message to you because I felt that when we met you, there was a certain spark that you thought something could happen here. And it was my way of letting you down gently. Don't! Oh, my God, don't rate yourself. Don't do, my God, don't rate yourself.

Don't do what to myself? Don't rate yourself. Oh, well, I know, I'm just saying, I felt there was a spark that... I mean, listen, if I'd have been single, it would have been... We would have... Something could have happened.

But the marriage immediately stopped that. OK. And also Eric Morecambe stopped it, didn't it? Yeah. Because that was the... I must point out that Eric Morecambe was the play we went to see together. We did.

We were just stood together trying to get off of each other. Someone came over and went, What are you doing, silly man? And they sort of slapped me around the face. Hey, she's got short, fiery legs. Don't go near her. No, it was the play about Morecambe, which we'll talk about, which was fantastic, wasn't it? We enjoyed that, didn't we?

Didn't we? No, I didn't. You didn't enjoy it? No, I'm really sorry. I've got to be honest. Why? We'll discuss it. You're talking about the man I love here. I know, I know.

OK, well, that's something to discuss during the show, that you didn't... this first date didn't go well at all, did it? Absolute Radio. We're taking your texts on 8-12-15 on cures for Frank Skinner's throat. If you've just tuned in, Frank can't be with us this week because, unfortunately, he's got... What is it? What's the ailment? Just a sore throat, or has it got a name? Yeah, he's just got uh what is it what's the what's the ailment just a sore throat or has it got a name yeah he's just got a sore throat well give it a bit of

clamor i don't mean to sound quite so defensive about it he's just got so that suggests that you're having a go at him for not turning up for work he's just got a sore throat i mean i mean i've got sore legs and i walked into work you know that's the act that's the tone if you don't mind me saying okay i think it's like strep throat we'll call it okay well if you don't mind me saying. Okay, I think it's like strep throat, we'll call it. Okay, well if you've got cures for Frank's throat, we could take your text, please, on 8-12-15. And also we're taking your text on weird food that you eat

when you're on your own, because Emily, as well as liking Gaddafi, seems to like egg white and sugar. And having a massive crush on Yuli, apparently, which I've just discovered. Well, it probably helped that I turned up for that show dressed as a Middle East leader. That helped, didn't it? Covered in egg white.

Yeah. I didn't know what to wear. So I grabbed an old tea towel, put it on my head and did a Yasser Arafat impression. And as luck would have it, there was a bit of egg white on the tea towel. And as far as she was concerned, that was it. She was in. It was my fantasy. Can I just say, Garethareth you've just showed me the weirdest thing um in whilst that song was on um and basically gareth's got asthma yes and uh that's

not i presume your family know that's not the first they've heard of that i'm not announcing something that they don't know okay i think and i think the public can cope with that news yes the public after after them it didn't top the noelagher story this morning, did it? No, it wasn't. In other news, Gareth's got asthma. I think from listening, people would gather I've probably got asthma. Would they? And allergies, that sort of thing.

Were you a sickly child? I'm a bit of a sickly child. Are you? A bit of a sickly grown-up. Do you get lots of ailments? He's like a Victorian child that has consumption or something. Oh, brilliant. You should do his PR

You should put that on your poster The Edinburgh Leaflet Come and see this comedian, Gareth He's like a sickly child from a Dickensian era You met a great leafleter yesterday, didn't you, Evelyn? I did I saw this woman going, what's this show like? And I'm not going to say who the comic was that this guy was promoting

And he went, honestly, it's really not that offensive. What a way to promote a show that it's not that offensive. You know, surely it would be the opposite. You would only say it if it was offensive. I know. Go and see the show, but just so you know, it's a little bit offensive. I know. That would be a good idea, actually,

if leafleters in Edinburgh actually were more honest. Instead of shouting out, five stars, the Scotsman, if they said, come and see Mr. Chuckles, it's a strong five minute opener but then it sort of tails off. I'm not going to lie, it is an 8.50, what do you expect? You've never heard of him. Come and see this show, I think it's actually morally wrong. Come and see Gareth Richards, he's like a Dickensian sickly child, there's a chance he might vomit on you, you know. Anyway, so Gareth's got asthma. Yeah, I've got this special thing that helps me take it.

So you have the little... You have to describe things for radio with a certain clarity. Yeah, what's the thing? What's your standard one called? I've got... It's an inhaler. An inhaler. The little blue things, yeah? And then I've got a thing that joins onto it that's like a little air chamber that goes on the front. And it's got a special thing.

It stops you sucking too hard. But this is what I find bizarre. It's like an alarm system, isn't it? Yeah, it's to make you suck it slowly and make sure you get all of the medicine. It's horrible. It gives me the creeps. If you suck it too hard, it does this. That's unbelievable.

It breaks into harmonica. Why does it do that? That's also the sound my lungs make if I don't take the medicine. Do you think that's why Bob Dylan always sounds so breathy? It turns out he's got asthma. After he's played the harmonica, he goes, Hey, what about that? Bob Dylan has asthma, ladies and gentlemen.

The cuts are getting used on absolute radio. So we're taking your texts on weird food. Bob Dylan has Asmodeus in Shadman The cutting edge news on Absolute Radio So we're taking your text on weird food Have you got any weird foods Gareth? Well I eat when I'm on my own It's not a weird food but I eat it in a slightly You know when you have crisps And I have each individual crisp And I lick all the flavour off

Before eating it Oh that's like a serial killer That is odd. Aren't you left with just a very soggy piece of potato? Yeah, it goes down nice. I've got one, Lee. After you've licked them, you don't put them back in, do you? No, I don't. I wouldn't want to go around to your house

and go, they haven't got any flavour, these crisps. I obviously can't do it. Oh, I've licked them off. I've licked the flavour off, I'm sorry. Once I've licked them off, I put them back in. I can't do it if my wife's in the house, because she just won't let me. She sounds a bit intolerant, doesn't she? I'm not surprised. Do you know what mine is?

Do you know what my weird food of mine is? This is nice, and it'll sound horrible, but you've got to try it. Pot noodle sandwich. That is disgusting. No, it's really nice. What you do is you get the... Well, you know, I think it's pretty self-explanatory, isn't it?

You get your pot noodle, but you've got the key. The key is to drain off the excess liquid, because otherwise it will soak through the bread and you'll end up all over your hands. You drain off all the excess liquid, you put the pot noodle, and it's got to be proper chavvy white bread. Your really cheap white bread. That's really put me off. I don't fancy you anymore. So you admit it now. Thank you.

Live from the Edinburgh Festival, Absolute Radio. Gareth, you're a comedian at the Edinburgh Festival, aren't you? Yes. And how's it going? Have you had a good week? I'm exhausted. Are you? That's not 20 minutes a day. It kills you, doesn't it?

Billy Coalmiler's listening. You want to try doing 20 minutes a day? You'd soon be suffering then. I did two different shows. Oh, you've done 40 minutes. Sorry, I take it back. I do an hour and 20 minutes a day. Yeah, well, last week we talked about how I'd had people thrown out of one of my shows I heard the show and they got quite violent

yeah and then in my other show I also had to ask people to leave and they went out as good as gold it was two big drunk men but then they went away and thought we could have got angry about that and then they came back and just shouted us and screamed us and actually started coming around the audience to beat us up. And some audience members stepped in. They stood up and stood between us and the men. I mean, because, you know, for people that haven't visually seen you, we prefer to say

you're, you're, you're wiry, shall we say. Yes, me and the people. Really? No, you're wiry. No, it's true though, isn't it? I think Gareth would be the first to say that you're wiry, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't. Well, wiry, wiry. It's true, though, isn't it? I think Gareth would be the first to say that you're wiry, wouldn't he? Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't... Well, wiry suggests some muscle.

You'd say less than wiry. I'd say slight, perhaps. Slight, yeah. Slight, you're a slight... I do it with someone called Henry, and we both wear cardigans. We're cardigan wearers, and I think the audience members just looked at us and thought, they're going to die. And is this other fella tough?

No, no, both of us were really not very tough. And were they sort of slightly... They were massive. Were they bruises? We had no chance. Look, it's a word I'm trying to avoid. I'll just get straight to the... Were they Scottish?

They were Scottish. Well, that's what we were all thinking, so I've said it now, it's out there, all right? Were they Scottish, gentlemen? This is Edinburgh now! You don't miss, we came in here to have a laugh! Oh, they weren't Scottish? Oh, sorry, I take it back, they weren't.

It sounded a little bit Middle Eastern there, and Emily suddenly thought, hmm, that's a bit Gaddafi-esque. I perked up. Yes, please. Hey, Lee, we've had some texting about the weird food. Oh, good. We've had, hi, I love to eat cheese and onion crisps soaked in vinegar. Try it, it's lovely, John and Wilson. Do you know what, I love to eat cheese and onion crisps soaked in vinegar. Try it, it's lovely.

John and Wilston. Do you know what they'd really like? Salt and vinegar crisps. Yes, that's a good idea. That comes with vinegar. Or as you call them in your house, crisps. Yeah. I'll get rid of that salt and vinegar flavour and just eat the potato. And there's another one suggesting frankfurters with strawberry jam. Don't knock it till you try it.

P.S. Emily's voice is amazing. Is she as good-looking as she sounds? Awkward silence. Yes, you are as good-looking as you sound. Thank you. Yes. To me, you sound like Bella Enberg. Oh, Lee!

Listen, I'm telling you now, Bella Enberg is on my list of shouldn't but would. Because for those, anyone under the age of 38 who doesn't remember Bella Amberg, she was the rather large lady in Ross Abbott's Madhouse. Oh, this is nice. Yeah, but you're saying that. I found her quite, when she did Wonder Woman, do you know what I mean? She used to call it Blunder Woman, didn't she?

Oh, yeah. Is it just me or did that, that got me a bit, you know, a Gaddaf-ized, as it's now known in the industry. So keep your texts coming in. It's on 8, 12, 15 about your weird foods or a cure for Frank's poor little throat. Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio with Lee Mack filling in for Frank Skinner.

We have Gareth and Bella Emily Enberg with us. I think it's quite a nice catchy name. Bellamy. Bellamy. Bellamy Enberg. You don't look like David Bellamy. Suggesting a woman looks like Bella Enberg is pushing you up. But saying she looks like David Bellamy, you know, that's a bit too much.

I like all these 70s references that are really dating with us. Oh, yeah. I know. I'm still down with the kids. I don't still cut it at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival. I know, I'm still down with the kids. I don't still cut it at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival. You can text us on 8, 12, 15 with your weird foods that you like to eat on your own. Have we got any of those texts coming in, Gareth?

Yeah, we've got Frankie says he likes peanut butter and bean sprout sarnies. Frankie? I wonder if that's Frankie Skinner. I think it is. I think we've found the problem. We know what's wrong with his throat. My sister eats dairy milk with pickled onions. I'm not sure about that. Things with chocolate are quite good. Have you ever had cheese and chocolate?

No, but do you know what I do like to do? I like to eat a bag of crisps and then whilst the crisps are still in my mouth, get a bar of piece of chocolate and put the chocolate in the mouth and combine the chocolate and the crisps. People used to say it's disgusting and I've been doing this since 1977. And then a couple of years ago I noticed chocolate coated crisps. Which people used to say is disgusting, right? And I've been doing this since 1977, right? And then a couple of years ago,

I noticed chocolate-coated crisps came on the market, didn't they? Did they? Yeah, they did, didn't they? That's true, yeah. Actually, that's not true. Not chocolate-coated crisps. Just chocolate in the shape of crisps. I'm not imagining that.

No, there was something inside, was there? What's the tube of crisps? You know, can we say that now? Yeah, Pringles. Pringles, yeah. Yeah, like them. Yeah, you open it up, but instead of crisps, it's the same shape, but it's bits of chocolate.

Is there? Yeah, I suggest you get a packet of Pringles and a packet of chocolate and combine the two, put it in your mouth, eat it. I like ham tubes. Is that a euphemism? No, I get a slice of ham whilst I'm squatting at the fridge. Is that a euphemism? No!

And then, I spread Philadelphia on it. That's that a euphemism? No! And then I spread Philadelphia on it. That's definitely a euphemism. Cheesy ham tube. And then I eat the ham tube. Is that weird? What's with the squatting at the fridge thing? That suggests an eating disorder. Surely you can survive the 30 seconds it takes to walk from the fridge

to the dining table to eat it with some dignity, rather than on all fours shoveling it in your mouth like a scene from eight and a half weeks but on your own. It's more Planet of the Apes. Planet of the Apes, that's a nice image. It's more monkey-esque, is it? And before anyone texts in, I know that they were apes, not monkeys.

Yeah. I don't want those sort of complaints on my first day. I don't want the simian community texting in going, apes are different from monkeys, we're sick of this. It just saves time, Lee, that's all i'm busy don't have time for sitting down at dinner tables all that ceremony but when you say squat you mean you're not you're not like are you sitting on the floor and eating this food at the fridge i'm squatting in a sort of vietnam veteran position with the fridge door open yeah so easy access you don't want to close the fridge exactly yeah

and do people not come around and i suppose if people came around and look through the window you would look like you're watching telly because the light from the fridge would Exactly, yeah. And do people not come round and, I suppose if people came round and looked through the window, you would look like you're watching telly, because the light from the fridge would hit your face, and they'd just go sit a bit closer to that telly, but it's a nice big telly, I'll give it that. She just seems to be concentrating on the bottom part of the telly, though, if that's any problem. So, yeah, keep your texts coming in. We're looking for a cure for Frank's throat, and

the weird foods that you like to eat. We've got Greg, I can't say the surname, I can't say his surname, Greg Berent. I think it's his surname. Greg Berent. I think it's Greg Brent. Greg Brent. Look, he's massive in America, right? Yeah. And the reason why he's not as massive here is that surname.

He needs a more snappy name. He is massive here. What about... I know he's massive here, but he could be even more massive if he changed his surname to Legg. So he's called Greg Legg. It's a terrible idea. It's a perfect name. In the old days, right? In the 70s. Everyone had a catchy name.

If you'd like to suggest any new names for Greg, text in. Yeah. And we'll pitch them to him. Yeah, and I think rhyming with... What about Greg Egg? That's awful. That just sounds like he's got a stutter in it. Greg Egg.

That's awful. OK. Greg. Greg. Greg Shed. He brings on his comedy shed wherever he goes. Greg and his comedy shed. He's not a 70s variety act.

You know, he doesn't need a weird name. Look, there's nothing wrong with weird 70s variety. It's what I've based my career on. This is Absolute Radio. Live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio. Go on, say what you were going to say. Because we were going to play a song we haven't got time for.

Yeah. By MGMT and I don't know much about music. You said, is MGMT coming up, and I think you thought it was a management meeting. I did think that, I saw this in MGMT, I thought it was MGM, management have been on the phone, they're not happy with the way this is going.

But it sounds like it was a song. But it says management, and then it says kids, which is the name of the song, and I thought management was saying, this is like kids running the show. Management says kids, yeah? Management says kids, which is the name of the song. And I thought management was saying, this is like kids running the show. Management says kids, yeah? Management says good, but no, management says kids. So, now, we were talking about food, weird food. Do you know what I noticed the other day?

I was driving the car and eating, but I pulled over in a lay-by. I kept it safe. No, you didn't. I did. OK. I've got children in the back. I'm not going to start having a roast dinner, am I, at the front? You know.

Anyway, I couldn't eat when I'm driving, could I? Because I was on the phone. Dangerous. So I pull over in the lay-by to have my pepper army, because that's my food of choice, the pepper army. All right? Very oily. If you take the, can we call it a sheath? You know the plastic?

The sheath. No, no. Pepper army comes in a sheath. It does. I feel sick. Yeah, but it does. It comes in a little. You know the plastic sheath? No, no. Pepperami comes in a sheath, it does. It feels sick. Yeah, but it does, it comes in a little. You know what I mean, you take the wrapper off and then inside it's got like a... Please. What is the word then? It's not plastic. It's a wrapper. It's not a wrapper, the wrapper's what you take off. And inside the wrapper, between the wrapper and the pepperoni, there is another... The greasy pepperami sheath, that's what it's called. It is though, isn't it? It is. Because pepperoni is phenomenally

greasy. If you hold it, it's all over your is, though, isn't it? It is. Because pepperami is phenomenally greasy. If you hold it, it's all over your hands, right? And you can't drive, even if you're in a lay-by, with grease all over your hands. Now, the pepperami, I said to my wife, because this is how interesting I am, I said, let's play a game, it's a long drive to Edinburgh. I'll see if I can guess all the ingredients in a pepperami. Oh, she's a lucky woman. She is, yeah.

Every morning she wakes up, she counts her lucky stars. As I wake up with pepperami and sheath in hand and say, time for the game, love. What would you say is the number one ingredient in a pepper army? Now, I said water. That's wrong, so that's your clue. What would you say is the right answer to that? Beef.

What? Beef. Oh, beef. I thought you said bees. Bees, surely. Bees. Beef? No, not beef.. Bees, surely? Beef? No, not beef.

No, no, no, no. It begins with P. Pepper army. I've never eaten a pepper army. I don't know, am I right? No, it begins with P. It's pork. Pork, right. Now, this is the thing that got me. How much pork would you say is in a pepper army?

Percentage-wise. Probably about 50%. I appreciate this. 60%? Look at your face. This is riveted. 52%. Frank never talks about the ingredients of a look on your face, this is riveted. 52%. Frank never talks about the ingredients of a pepper army while things are changing around here.

OK? 60%. No, no, this is the weird thing. Do you know how much pork is in a pepper army? You look at the wrapper. It says, first ingredient, pork, brackets, 136%.

Or 138%, sorry. How is that possible? To have 138% pork in a pepper army? Greg will know, because Greg knows everything. You love Greg, don't you? Yeah, I do. What is this thing about you and Greg?

You went to his show, didn't you? Yeah, it was brilliant. This is Greg Brown. We'll talk about this in a minute, right? OK, OK. Because Greg's coming up very soon. In the meantime, a bit of this. Absolute Radio.

Lee Mack here, filling in for Frank Skinner. Lee Mack, who knows very little about music, as you're probably learning. Somebody who does know about music, though, he's got his own ska band, I've just learned, is our guest, Greg Berent. Can we just clear something up? Yeah, sure. How do you pronounce your surname?

That was pretty close. Oh. It's like the word parent. Berent. Berent? Yeah. See, I think you've got one of those surnames that only an American can say. No, in fact, being in fact the in fact being

here is the only time oh the only place where people get close really yeah being in the uk people have been very nice about it and they've been very close in america it's behendment they want to say the h because that's you see how about for her to not for her to not one time a telemarketer called me menderman i'm like dude those aren't even my letters like how how high are you what are you talking about mend? I think it's a fair point that people will get confused because your surname is spelled B-E-H-R-E-N-D-T. It's H, not H. It's H with a H.

I'm not going to go through this again. I've not heard that before. What does Greg say? Because Greg's my swan. But Greg's going to say herb, isn't he? He's American. He's going to cause all sorts of confusions now. Did you say hotel or hotel?

I say hotel. Thank you. Doesn't everybody say hotel? Yeah. We mess it up over in America. Doesn't everybody drop the H in hotel as well? Whatever Greg says, I'll do. You really like Greg.

I love him. You were really, really glad. Because we were just chatting off air then. As soon as he mentioned his kids, you sank a little bit in your seat. Because you thought, not another one. First Lee, turns out he's got kids. Now it turns out Greg's got kids. Is anyone out there that I'm in love with available?

I love Greg much more than you. And I love that greg loves his wife and kids and that makes him even more special in my eyes are you suggesting i don't love my wife again that was that just hold it greg hold it greg can we just get this clear no what you mean is you hope i don't love my wife because that's different that's different emily that's a different thing altogether it's never gonna happen lee it isn't no uh g You are adorable, though. Thank you. I mean, you really are. Oh, Emily, sorry. I love my wife. That's why I'm looking at you, Lee. Yes. I'm Emily. Now, you're doing a show at the Edinburgh Festival. I am. A fantastic show that Emily has been to see. Yes. She sat in the front row. I mean, how stalkery is that? I know. Called Love, Sex,

Pudding, Death. Love, Sex, Pudding, and sex putting in death yes and death so there's an island between pudding and death yeah okay love sex pudding and death is it no no it's just love sex pudding death is there a comma after love is it love sex pudding or is it love sex pudding and death i don't like the way you've just said it i should have done that it's too late now there's only two more shows left but yeah i like love so i do love sex it's, I do love sex. It's a comma after love, is it? Yeah, it's comma, comma, comma, comma. Well, not comma after love, is it? It's not love, comma, sex, comma, pudding, comma, and comma, death.

Yeah. Well, there's no end. It's love, sex, pudding, death. Okay. It's like the Godfather song, birth, school, work, death. Don't talk to me about songs and music. I don't know what I'm doing. Did I just throw you off the bus? I'm so sorry. Did you throw me off a bus? Is that what I just said? Yeah, I threw you off the bus. I didn't talk to me about songs and music. I don't know what I'm doing. Did I just throw you off the bus? I'm so sorry. Did you throw me off a bus? Is that what they just said? Did I throw you off a bus? I didn't mean to.

You said it in a slightly threatening way, like, did I just throw you off a bus? Did I forget? Because I will. I will. I will throw you off a bus. I will throw you right off a bus. Can you tell us,

unfortunately I've not had a chance to see the show, I'd love to come and see it, because we have done a gig together in Montreal. You're looking at me blankly. You don't remember. How dare you? Get out of this studio immediately. Greg meets lots of famous people.

It's true. He's worked on Sex and the City. As if he's going to remember a skinny-faced, northern whippet face like me. He's not... We did a show in Montreal for a telly show. It was one of these local telly shows for Canada. It was low budget. Yeah, I remember that.

There was about 48 people on the bill. Yes. And about 12 people in the audience. Yes. And it didn't make us look good. No, it didn't. It was like running your jokes for... It was like doing a dry run of your jokes.

It's the only television show I've ever done where at the end you get paid in cash. Yeah, right. That's unusual for a television show where you get an envelope with some cash in. Yeah, that was... You're looking at it like you didn't get paid in cash. I don't remember getting... Yeah. Yeah, no, I do remember that.

I remember that it was before a show and then I thought I didn't... Because it was before a real show. Because it was something like a fake show. Yeah, no, I do remember that. I remember that it was before a show, and then I thought, I didn't... Because it was before a real show. It was something like a fake show. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It was a spoof, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. Well, just for people that may not know you over here, just to give you a recap,

you, of course, wrote on Sex and the City. Yeah, I was a consultant. I didn't even have a pen. I just came in twice a week to consult it. That's all I did. That's great. What a job. Yeah, it was amazing. Just consulting.

You're a sort of consultant, Emily, I've noticed, on this show. You consult. I'm the Greg consultant. Yeah, it was seven women and two gay men were the staff, and I was the token straight guy. Oh, nice. I would come in and say, that guy shouldn't have a purse. And then you had a huge book in America called He Just Knocked That Into You,

which has been recently turned into a film. And the fact that you wrote that book is the reason why Emily is... Right. And I co-authored it. I wrote it with a woman, so I'm not the sole... Liz. Liz DiCillo. You wrote it with a woman? Yeah. Did you really, or did she draw the pictures? No, it's best we find out now. I don't want to, you know, we best be honest about it.

Did you do the bulk of the work, and she said, what about a flower on the floor? No, no, no. Give her half the money, she'll only whinge. I would only write the book if I... All I had to do was answer questions. So she asked me questions. It was basically, that's what the book is, is me answering questions about relationships.

And did she co-write your stand-up show, Love, Sex, Pudding and Death? She did not. But because the book was successful, I got to do Love, Sex, Pudding and Death here. Would it be fair to say that it's a similar genre, a similar sort of theme show in terms of... Is it quite...

Because you've got... From what Emily says, you understand women better than women do. He really does. But you see, Greg gives you the kind of, it's quite what you said it's tough love, I would say, Greg. What you do, what you practice. I guess I think it's just more like an honest way of looking at yourself. And I think, and like

I say during the show, it's applicable to both sexes, but the books are written for women because men don't buy books. Right. About that nature. You know, guys don't get sad and go to Borders, get all weepy and go, I was looking for a book. When I'm in Borders with my wife, I get weepy. Yeah, I get that.

As my wife is filling up that bag. Sure. I mean, the basket. She's just a shoplift. I'm not weeping because my wife is a shoplifter. Why don't we just get this out now? My wife is a shoplifter. Yeah.

Okay? But a good one. Never been caught. Yeah. Live from caught. Yeah. Live from the Edinburgh Festival, Absolute Radio. Now, Greg Brent is with us, and he's the author of He's Just Not That Into You, a book for girls, would it be fair to say? Or is it for men and women? Well, I mean, I think you can read it as a guy and flip the scenarios, because I think

that they work for men, but like we said before the break, they don't make relationship books for men. In the States, men don't read books. What happens is you break up with a guy, he gets drunk, stands on your lawn, then a cop comes, and that's how he knows it's over. So men don't really need a book. It's a bit similar to the North West of England. Right, yeah. So if law enforcement

is brought in, you're like, okay, maybe this isn't going the way I hoped. Okay. Because Emily thought, because you've probably read the way I hoped. Okay. Because Emily thought... You've probably read the book. Yes, I've read it. Could you summarise it from a lady's point of view? So what Greg does is, you know, as a girl, you kind of make loads of excuses for why a guy's not going out with you.

He's not over his ex is a big one. Yeah. He just needs a bit of space. He needs a bit of time. Right. And according to Greg, that's rubbish. Right. And also things like if he's not...

Well, if he's not calling you, it's quite a big one. But I still convince myself that maybe he's scared. He's intimidated by me as well. But the bottom line is that it turns out, like the book says, he's just not into you in the first place. That's right. Because all I could think about was, like, when I was dating, and I didn't, like, as soon as I started saying to a girl, like, yeah, it's just hard right now. My stand-up career is really, really?

You're doing open mics? Yeah, it's heavy. You know what I mean? I don't think I can really focus. I just didn't like her. Because when I met my wife, and that's all I can base it on, when I met my wife, I was like, whatever needs to happen must happen, because I shall have you. It's the opposite for me.

So whatever I need to do. If I was with a lady, I used to bring them to the gig, and I found that they weren't that interested after the gig. They would just sort of... Well, yeah. I always waited before I... But you brought them along yeah yeah but greg what about okay here's a situation so i sometimes have gone out with guys who've been friends for a long time yeah it's like it's like a stealth bomber um and so i've been friends with them for two years and then they've

said oh i really like you let's go out what does that mean be totally honest with me well i mean if someone says they like you i'm gonna go ahead and take them at their word but then how's it worked out okay um we split up maybe so do you know what i think you don't mind me saying yeah i think he's just not that into you i'm listening i'm learning from the master here here's what i think i mean if i we date in the united states yeah i don't know what dating is like over here so i won't pretend to know but we it's very ritual think. I mean, we date in the United States. Yeah. I don't know what dating is like over here, so I won't pretend to know. But it's very ritualized. I mean, it started in the 50s, and it became a big deal. People have tried to not do it. But it's a really good way to vet people, is to spend time with them and then decide whether you like them or not.

And so people know in the States to ask you out. And if they don't ask you out, then they don't really like you. If they just want to come over at four in the morning, that's different. But surely shyness comes into this. Yeah, to a certain degree. But you have to ask yourself, is that the guy that you want to... Like, do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to put forth an effort? Shy people have to eat.

Oh, you're so right, Greg. If they want to eat, you know what? They should be going out with Emily because she has got a fridge, which is always open, and they're always welcome to come and squat at the base of that fridge. I'm not saying every guy has to be bold. I mean, there's a way. I have friends that are shy, and they somehow manage to get girls because they manage to let them know that they like them in their own way.

Do you know what I mean? So, in other words, do you want to be with a guy who's not going to take the risk in the first place? No, I don't. I mean, who wants to be with anybody who isn't completely passionate about what it is that they're doing? You know what I mean? So, I mean, and that's, who wants to be with anybody who isn't completely passionate about what it is that they're doing? You know what I mean? So, I mean, and that's, and again, these are just my opinions. This is the kind of advice I'd give my sister.

When people go, I don't like your book, it's rubbish, I'm like, I really don't care. Because I get to do stand-up and I have a ska band. So I just don't care. I just put this information out there as my point of view. It's lovely. That's it? Yeah. So, yeah, have you read this book, Gareth? You've got a feminine bent, do you? No, you have.

No, you are. You're wiry. You've said it yourself. And wiry people are more feminine. I'm wiry. I count myself as the feminine type as well. Would you read a book like that? Well, I'm married, so I don't need convincing

that my wife's not the end of me. Right. What about, have you got any books called She's No Longer Into You? How did you court your wife? into me right she's um well what about have you got a bunch of gold she's no longer how did you how did you court your how did you court your wife well we met at uni and we actually we were friends before but there was a moment where we both just realized hold on a minute we're hanging out a lot and this is really good fun and then we did just spend all the time together there's no wrong way to start up with somebody. It's just a matter of turning those situations

into long-term relationships. You know, and sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Do you know how I met my wife? This is a true story. We lived together as flatmates. And there was me, her, and one other girl. And we drew straws about who had the little room,

who had the medium room, who had the massive room. My wife got the massive room, and I got the box room. Three weeks later, we were together. Make up your own conclusions from that. Absolute Radio. We're on Absolute Radio. It's Lee Mack here filling in for Frank Skinner who is poorly

with a sore throat, bless him. We're taking texts on 8, 12, 15 to find out a good cure for Frank's throat. Have we had any in Gareth? Suggested cures one spoonful of butter, one of sugar, one of vinegar, heat it up, melt it all together and then drink it.

That doesn't sound like that's going to work, does it? What, you mean you mix it together or you have them individually? Yeah. I don't think drinking butter is ever a good idea. Especially hot butter that's just been boiling. That's got to be done. That's got to give you a sore throat. That's going to burn off your larynx.

I like to get in a bath full of butter. I like to fill a bath full of butter and just get in. That's how I do it. And that clears up everything. I think I'd better point out, if you just tuned in, that Greg Berent has joined us. And that wasn't Emily that just went psychotic and turned American for no apparent reason. I like to get in a bath of butter! Thank you, Emily. That's a better picture, though.

Emily in a bath of butter is a much better visual. Greg Berent, who is the author of He's Just Not Into You... He's just not that into you. OK, what do you mean? Is that a review of how the show's going? He's just not that into you. Emily has confessed, was very excited to meet, has told Emily during that song

that squatting near the fridge and eating food means she's got serious problems. And that put a smile on my face because I thought he's just not that into you, is he? He's just making it very clear that... Don't put me on that side of the street. She's adorable. I would be totally into her were I not already

with children and a wife. Are your kids and wife over here in Edinburgh? You know what? They're not. And I've got my own flat and it's really beautiful. That's right down the street. After a month by yourself, you'd be pretty much into anyone at this point. All right, Gareth, you'd even be into Emily. I mean, really.

It can be quite intense up here. He's turned so bitter. Yeah. Yeah. You're married, aren't you? Yeah. Married with one child? One child, yeah.

We were all in Edinburgh together. Oh, yes. I'm with one child? One child, yeah. We were all in Edinburgh together. Oh, yes. I'm with my wife and children in Edinburgh. So, unfortunately, me and Gareth won't be available for Emily. But Greg has made it very clear that his wife and children are in America. Don't worry, you're both safe. It's fine. He's also said he quite likes the idea of jumping in a bath full of hot butter.

And it's been definitely proven that you have some sort of mild eating disorder. I don't. We can combine all those things now and put them together. I mean, I will say, if you can't leave the place where the food comes from to eat, if you don't put something on a plate, you have a problem.

Like, if you're not taking the food and honouring it with a plate and a sit-down, but just staying right where it comes out. Not only that, she's squatting. Yeah, squatting. She's squatting next to the fridge. Because you don't want them to see you either. If you're ducking from people that aren't there,

if you're eating on the floor, if you're eating on the floor by the plate... Yeah. That's got to be a problem. The only time you eat food next to the fridge? Because you don't want anyone to see you either. If you're ducking from people that aren't there, if you're eating on the floor... That has got to be a problem, hasn't it? Yeah. That has got to be a problem. The only time you eat food next to the fridge is when you're doing that thing from eight and a half weeks. That's been established. Right, exactly.

You can't do it on your own, do you? Nine and a half weeks. You took a week away from them. You tried to speed it up a little bit. It is... It's nine and a half weeks. Oh, no, no, no. We've got the shorter version here.

Blokes are a lot quicker in England. It was actually going to be called eight and a half seconds in, no, no, no. We've got the shorter version here. Blokes are a lot quicker in English. It was actually going to be called eight and a half seconds in the original cut, but then we thought we'd never stretch it out that long. Yeah. But have I been saying eight and a half weeks when it's nine and a half weeks? Yeah.

It's funny how people text in and say, well, you could gargle with vinegar, but no one's pointed that out. You'd think someone would point that out, wouldn't you? I've said it three times. You could have pointed it out. I look foolish now, Emily and Gareth.

This is your job to point out the mistakes I make. I don't know how many weeks it is. It's eight and a half. It's in the 80s. It's nine and a half weeks, apparently. But if you see that film, there's no getting around it. It's erotic to see that scene with the food and things. But the idea of a woman on her own smothering herself in marmite...

Oh, shut up! Stop going on about it! Well, you're the one that kept bringing it up. Once I brought it up. Oh, I kept thinking about it in my head over and over again. Right. Greg, we've got to go to some music, but it's been great brought it up. Oh, I kept thinking about it in my head over and over again. Right. Greg, we've got to go to some music, but it's been great having you in. Yeah, it's been fun.

You were here in Edinburgh for how long? A couple more days. A couple more days. Till Monday. The show's called Love, Sex, Pudding and Death. Can we get tickets still? 7.40 at the Assembly. Yes, there are some tickets available.

Come and see it. It's awesome. I'm going to come and see it tonight. Come see it. I'm going to come and see it. Should we go together, Emily and Gareth? Oh, yeah, let's, yeah. I've got Gareth in there quickly, so there was no hint of any romance. Gareth,

would you like to come with me and Emily? You could be like the kids. On the spot, asking for the artist on the spot. We're all going to do it tonight. We're all going to go and see Greg Brent playing at the Assembly Rooms, Love, Sex, Pudding and Death. It's been great having you in. Thanks for having me. Live from the Edinburgh Festival, Absolute Radio.

We were asking earlier for our listeners to text in the answer to a question that's been probleming me. That's not a word, is it? Probleming me? Terrible English. Causing me problems. It problem you. It probleming me, right? It problem me, the pepperami, right? What is it about pepperami where the ingredients say 138% pork? Now, I read this on the pepper army sheath

product that i ate that you didn't like the word sheath uh yeah funny that yeah weird didn't it that um well there's an outer package isn't there there is an outer package and then there's an inner sheath there's no getting let's not get bogged down okay let's just get the word sheath but i was having a pepper army i took the pepper off the packet off and but I was having a pepper army, I took the packet off, and inside was a pepper army inside a prophylactic. Now, what I want to know is how can it be 138% pork, because that's beyond science.

That's like a TARDIS. That means it's bigger on the inside than the outside, the pepper army. But, Gareth, who I'm realising in my short stint on this show, is the sort of... I'm not going to say nerd, but you're like... Don't stereotype me with your broad brush strokes. I'm not stereotyping you, but you are wiry with spectacles.

That means you're clever. That is a rule, all right? What is the answer to that question, Gareth? Well, our listeners have been all over it. I did a little bit of research, but they have answered the question as well. So Mark, the painter, says 37.5 grams of pork is used to make 25 grams of pepperoni due to curing and drying. So 100... Say that again. Can I just be, even before we start this, right?

Can we trust this man? I mean, is he very intelligent? Are we talking... When you say painter... He's a painter. Is he an artist or is he a painter and decorator? Right, I found the same thing. Not that there's anything wrong with being a painter and decorator, but if you

are an established worldwide renowned painter, then you're going to trust the opinions on pepperoni. Actually, it's the other way around, isn't it? If you're a painter and decorator, you're probably eating more pepperoni. Yeah. Leonardo da Vinci's not going to know about the sheath on the pepperoni packet. No. Well, let's assume he's a painter and decorator and knows

what he's talking about. Okay. So they start with more pork. I've done the research. It's on the New Scientist website as well. Right. And it says, basically, because of the way they cure it and prepare it, it takes more pork to... They have to dry the pork

and so they reduce the amount of... They concentrate the pork. But that doesn't make sense. But then it goes in the pepperoni, doesn't it? Yeah. You start with 138% pork. You can't count that as an ingredient because it's reduced. That is like saying in the orange juice, there's a whole tree.

Isn't it? Contains trees. Well, it started off on a tree. It was a massive tree and we had to reduce it down to juice. Doesn't make sense. That is not a valid argument. I'm not having that pepperoni. It is not a valid argument. Is there any having that pepperami. It is not a valid argument.

Is there any other options or are they all agreeing with him? The other option is that it's magic. Well, I'll have that. I'll take that. Because I want pepperami to be magic. It looks like a wand, doesn't it? I want it to contain... It does. Yeah. So it's official. Ladies and gentlemen, it's official that pepperami is magic. I sound like a northerner trying to get free food, don't I? You really do. I'd also like to

point out there's a little bit of magic in lard, if there's any lard manufacturers listening. Yes. And I'm also a big fan of The Tripe. Absolute. Radio. Oasis there. Roll with it. And you've heard the news, obviously. Oasis have split up, apparently, because now Gallagher can't

go on with his brother. Four albums too late. Oh. Oh. Controversial. Controversial, controversial from Gareth there. They'll have Liam Gallagher turning up at one of his gigs. He's not learnt his lesson. They're not split up, have they? They're row. Oh, they fall out all the time.

They fall out. They'll be back next week. Listen, ticket sales are down on the tour, that's what it is. And they've just pretended. I've done that in my stand-up show. I've said, tickets haven't sold well. You've broken up with yourself. I've fallen out with my brother. Says Lee Matt.

That didn't make the papers. It's hard to get back on stage and do it to four people still. It doesn't help, let me tell you now. You're wasting your time talking about your brother. Who is his brother, anyway? Maybe they've fallen out with his other brother, not Liam. Maybe they've just fallen out. Anyway, that's the end. This is his brother, anyway? Maybe they'll fall out with his other brother, not Liam. Maybe just fall out. Anyway, that's the end.

This is the end of the show. This is the end of me filling in for Frank, who's off sick today with a sore throat and a cure has come in. Soluble aspirin in Tabasco. That can't be right, can it?

That's got to hurt. But I've quite enjoyed doing this show, so I reckon if he takes that, it might make it worse and I can do it next week. Lee! Oh, it's been really lovely.

Oh, it's been good. I started off with a slight... I thought we had a bit of chemistry, me and you, and we've still got it. But I've felt it next week. Lee! Oh, it's been really lovely. Oh, it's been good. I started off with a slight... I thought we had a bit of chemistry, me and you, and we've still got it. But I've felt myself, as the show's gone on, leaning more towards Gareth's feminine bent. Oh! Because he's... You know, you have got that slight androgynous... I'm irresistible. I'm irresistible.

You're androgynous, and that's always a good look in the modern era for a young, wiry gentleman. Androgyny. I'm quite androgynous, aren't I? I couldn't be less androgynous. I'm Northern. I've really enjoyed the show. I hope you get better, Frank, if you're listening. I'll be here for you next week if you can't make it, Frank. That's all I'm saying.

So let's hope he's better. That sounded like I was really hoping he was ill so I could come back. Joe Russell is next. Thanks for having me and thanks for listening. This is Absolute Radio. Live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio. Thanks for having me and thanks for listening.