The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Henning Wehn

Episode Date: May 1, 2010

On this weeks show Frank, Emily and Gareth share some old wives tales, they chat about Paul McKenna and Frank reveals that he once wanted to be a rapper.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. It's Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily. I'm with Gareth.

Good morning. Hi. Hello. And we're with Sandy. That sounded really loud then. It was like someone had put a knitting needle in my ear. You know when you get that, like, a ball of wax that's hardened in the midst of the sort of looser stuff, and the only way to get it is the knitting needle?

It was like that moment. That's the tone of my voice sorry that's what boyfriends have to put up with i was going to say um sandy mason's here as well sandy mason is here my girlfriend's mom um she's she's dead she's not dead i mean we said it then as if you could feel a vibration and i believe sandy mason is here. No, she is here. Good morning, Sandy. Good morning. Yes. She's here. And we've got the guests lined up.

We've got Henning Vein. He's on the show today. He's German. He's German, yeah. That's quite slow, isn't it? What? They should do a doo-wop version of that, I think. Of Deutschland Liberales?

Well, had they won the war and gone on to America and taken over, the 50s doo-wop would just be emerging. There would have been one of those, yeah. But the Bobby Sox would have been replaced by the jackboot. Is that what you really want? I don't think so. I'm just looking in the paper here. There's an advert which has intrigued me.

It says, I can make you thin. Oh, thank you very much. Yes, and it's Paul McKenna. I find a fascinating character. I've known him since his days when he used to be a DJ at Radio Topshop. Wow. You're feeling like you might like to buy a top.

He used to be one of those, I don't know if they still do it in time. A top jock. Yeah, he used to sit in Topshop and say, by the way, there's an orange t-shirt on the third floor, you've just got to take a look at it. It was like that. You're going to want to buy it on three one two three so that would it be a great salesman i suppose he is a salesman anyway i know him well now he's a hypnotist if you believe the hypnotism

exists but that's another story you think it might not exist yeah i've seen people do it it's not true it doesn't exist if he's seen people do it. It's not true. It doesn't exist. I've seen people do it. It's got to... Oh, yeah, OK, sorry. Anyway... Go on. I find... Emily, I don't know if something has happened between us,

but I find your voice this morning is so loud. There's a little bit of blood on both my nostrils. Well, I won't speak for the rest of the show. No, you're up too loud. That's what I'm saying. The producer's just looking at me. I said, oh, yeah, what does that mean? Anyway, it says, I can make you thin.

It's got thin in big letters with like sparklers on because as if thin is everything we want to be. And then it says live weight loss event. Like people turn up and think, oh, I'll watch this. What's she going to lose, half a stone? I'll settle myself down in this chair and see it happen. Yeah, I would want to weigh myself on the way in and the way out and i'd want my money back if i hadn't lost some way live i think you have to be up on stage i don't think it's going to be everyone in the audience i think

you just hypnotize you lose half a stone when you come around but it says was this event was 250 pounds now 99 pounds even the price has lost weight but also 99 quid for someone to say don't eat that seems quite probably does a bit more than that he doesn't really i've i've heard a bit of what he does and he can't you can't say that we can't suggest that he's anything other than brilliant i'll tell you and also it says at the bottom it says individual results may vary oh okay that's a bit of a cover-all isn't? I'm going to start using that on my posters. Frank Skinner live tonight. Comedy, comedy, comedy.

Individual results may vary. That's fair enough. Anyway, if you want to go and see, I think we should plug him after Emily's suggested that it doesn't work. In a very loud voice? No, I think it could work. It says, spend the day with me and change the way you think about food forever. Hold on a minute.

Have you been with Paul McKenna recently? Because I think he might have hypnotised you into plugging his show on the radio. Oh, no. I wondered what he was doing with that pocket watch. I thought, yeah, I know. OK, it's very equally weighted. Why have to prove that? But, yeah, he's a fantastic bloke, I've got to say.

Brilliant. I love him. He's the best. Absolute. Radio. If you want to text us, by the way, text us on 8-12-15. Last week, I think, was our best texting day. You know, I felt like a wall had broken

and all the best listeners had gushed through like fluid. The Berlin Wall had come down and suddenly you could see both parts of Germany. Oh, Henning Wenzel today. Yes, fabulously. Perfect. There's a joke for you on Radio Topshop. I think the wall's broken down.

The thing is I had liquid coming through my wall, and then you made it the wall. See, you took my wall, you put it on land. So what you did, you wrecked my analogy. I hate that. Analogy wrecker. Yeah. Typical you. You're the Ashley Cole of analogies.

Anyway, we've had some texts, haven't we? We have. Yes, so we've got, good morning. Ree Frank's propensity to sing new words to the Morrissey... I wish it had just been good morning. That would have been a brilliant text. What morning is it? It can be.

That's the morning! Oh, yes, that's right. Ree Frank's propensity to sing new words to the Morrissey Smith song. Has he heard the acoustic version, Girlfriend in a Coma, unplugged? Very good. Very good. Very good. I do sing that all the time. It's taken over.

There's only about six songs I sing, and I sing little bits of them all the time. But that one, it haunts me. You love that one. That's from Pete in South Yorkshire, isn't that? Silly poor McKenna, I know, I know. See? I can't get him out of my head, that crazy guy.

But results may vary, you have to tag on to the end of that. Results may vary, and then some, it says in brackets. We've also had a text in... Results may vary, fat so, it says. Sorry, Em. From Simon, saying, Dear Frank, Gareth and Emily, Yesterday I listened to 13 of the podcasts back to back. How many?

13. Oh, my God. Back to back? We don't advise that, do we? No. If there's any children listening, don't listen to 13 of the podcasts back to back. Well, he does say, I think I've been overexposed. This morning my wife mentioned in passing, we've got apples,

and I found myself singing loudly, we've got apples, we've got old pig apples. She now wants to know what's wrong with me. I love it when people join in. It's the best thing. Well, thanks for that. But I said, that is, I don't think I could listen to it. In fact, I heard myself the other day.

I never listen to the show because I'm here when it happens. And somebody sent like a sort of an advert thing with some extracts from the show. And I listened to it. You know what? I've got to say, I laughed my head off. Did you? Oh, man, it was absolutely hilarious. Not every day as well, as some of you are probably saying as I speak, but God, the extracts. I advise basically extracts. That's the way

forward. We're at our best when we're anthologised. We are really. With extracts of funny. Yes, exactly. That's quite good. Some results may vary. So the three of us got to hang out a bit this week, didn't we? Mid-week, which is rather controversial.

Yeah, we have our social moments. We have our moments, but let's not talk about those. I came down to see Frank's show being recorded. He doesn't like to talk too much about the show on the radio show, do you? No, it's... It's a bit like your charity work. You like to keep it private. Yeah, I like to keep it so it so i actually i'm at 11 now i keep it so private i don't do any i do anti-charity work i'm actually ran the london marathon sponsored by noah

just to say that's it now with the charity enough is enough you've had your money. Now go away. And Gareth was down there as well, weren't you? Yes. Gareth is my warm-up man for the TV show, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I can exclusively reveal that he doesn't like his dressing room very much. I love the way you said exclusively. Yeah, I said exclusively. I loved it.

Exclusively. I'm going to get that sampled and use it as a jingle. I've got my mouth full of Haribos. He doesn't like... God, I thought she was going to say Haribos. He didn't think his dressing room was very nice. Is that right? That's the first I've heard of that.

Yeah. I don't... How would you describe the decor, Emily? Reminded me of a basement in a certain part of the world, maybe. Yeah, yeah. A basement in a certain part of the world. You'd make a great estate agent. Very vague.

Well, we'll talk more about you. I didn't know that Gareth, who I thought I was doing a favour, had suddenly got heighty, tight hair. Those people. Absolute. Radio. So you're saying about your...

Yeah, my dressing room is a bit like a cell in Guantanamo Bay. But it's, you know, nice. And we had a new green room this week. Can you believe it? This, when I met this guy, he was living in a YMCA. He's still living in that, Frank, to be fair. It's fun to stay at the YMCA. You give him a radio show, and the next thing you know,

oh, I'm not happy with my dressing room. It's like when I did the Royal Variety performance with Shirley Bassey. Like Julie Goodger. She went into the dressing room and said I smell paint. And left. Left the building. They have to paint the dressing room six weeks before

Dame Shirley arrives because if it's more than six weeks the place has already started to get shabby and if it's less than six weeks the smell of paint gets on her chest and she doesn't sing so well. Oh I'll remember that. A little bit of a warning. That's going on my poster like doing the Royal Variety Show with Shirley Bassey. I think you should. That's a great quote.

Yeah. But we had the new green room this week. I didn't paint that. Oh right. Oh it was nice that your green room Frank. Oh God listen to them now hobnobbing with their television. Oh can just say, congratulations on the canapes. Very nice selection. I was pleasantly surprised. No offence. I was up all night doing those.

I thought it might have a bit of a Scotch egg vibe, just because of the Birmingham and things like that. Well, at 3.15 in the morning, I took the top of a jar, no Angelica. Imagine, imagine my horror. But it was too late then, we had to make do and mend. I tried a glassy-eyed cherry, but I can't imagine, it was ridiculous. I was flitting between your green room and another's green room, though.

Yes. I felt a bit like I was cheating on you. Yes, the Jonathan Ross show as the next door. Yeah. So obviously... Never heard of it. Yeah, there's all these big stars knocking around. There's only Russell Crowe, for goodness sake. No, it's like being in the Gamekeeper's Lodge

next to the Manor House, you know what I mean? We really are the poor relations, but I don't care. No, I flitted between the two, because he is one of my closest international friends, so I had to show my face. Yes. And I got to i got to meet dizzy rascal oh he's such a rascal i loved him what what does um what does one call dizzy rascal when you chat to him well you go you do what paxman does you say mr rascal no no i didn't all right dizzy he went all right darling oh he made my day i really quite fancied him.

More than Vince Cable, even. What was he... I like the idea of having a first name that's an adjective. Yeah. Oh, hold on, I already have. What was he... What was he wearing? Oh, he changed.

I think that's a rathkle. He did a rathkle. Sorry, if you're listening, Disney, he won't be up yet, will he? Oh, no, no. He's on his way home from will he oh no no he's currently single i'm just saying um he changed into a little sort of like t-shirt and you know nice trainer's outfit out of a smart suit changed afterwards yeah i think i was thinking um that I could adopt, because words is my business

in many ways, I could move it there was a time I was obsessed with hip hop I never listened to anything else for about a year and a half and I thought I actually it passed so there's hope for the fall oh my god it's the dressing room

it's the music. You make me sick. And you make me thin. Sorry, I've got a little framed photo of Paul McKenna on there. Results may vary. Yes. Results made hairy, which is one of the things, which is one terrible side effect. Oh, can we talk about what happened with my bra?

Oh, I was thinking of becoming a... Oh thinking of becoming i'm going to change the subject i was thinking of becoming a a rapper along those sort of lines for a while i actually tired of the idea i thought i could do sort of you know comedy type i mean a middle-aged white man rapping is just about as bad as it gets but i i thought eminem i i was i was slightly inspired by dizzy rascal and i thought i'd call myself the very great scoundrel very good i like it and then come on and rap about i'm in this show it's in in a way it's an enormous rap isn't it the whole show i'm not said to anyone who's listening at home smoking an enormous rap just stay away from me i'm trying to lose weight, for God's sake. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Now, Frank and Gareth, do you remember... Oh, Frank and Gareth, I'm glad you got the bill in right for a change. Do you remember last week we were talking about reasons why you might have been famous at your school? Yes. And so our lovely listeners have texted in during the week about some of these reasons. I love the fact that they've carried on texting.

Yeah, they love us. So Steve at the Village Bakery... I'm not going to go so far as to say that. They love her. Steve at the Village Bakery... Steve at the Village Bakery. One of my regulars. Yeah.

Frank. Oh, I can smell the yeast. I've got candida. I was famous at school for being run over by a car at the school gates after running out of school to collect our football,

which had been kicked over the fence by some much bigger kids. You know, we were always told when we ran into the road to get the football that we'd get run over. I've never, ever heard of it happening to anyone.

I just thought, no, you just,, no, you're more aware than that. But that just gets the show. We read that last week because I read it and I said, oh, I got run over. And you said, don't bring yourself into it. I remember very clearly. I don't think I said it in that gruff voice. I'm sorry if I was gruff with you.

That's the dressing room. Yeah. All right, let's all start it now. My tone of voice. And now he's criticising us, suggesting we're repeating our material. Yeah, exactly. Well, not exactly our material. Any other famous at school?

Yeah. Hi, Frank. My 15 minutes of fame at school was that I was known as the Purcell boy. I did a commercial that ran for more than a year. Well, that's proper fame. Yeah. I remember this commercial. He said he was playing football where he overhead a kick into the goal

after being hacked down by one of the opposition, so ended up covered in mud from head to toe on both sides. And then miraculously my kick was pure white again. Ray from Morden. I remember him. I like that you said that he overheaded kicked. That's quite clever. You put the past tense suffix in the middle of...

Instead of overhead kicked, he overheaded kicked. I love that. I'm going to write that down. Completely unintentional. You pass me my quill. I've switched nowadays. I write everything with a quill. Because what I find is, in the warmer months, if you write with a quill, and mine is quite heavily plumed, that while you're writing, if you writing say at 900 words you also keep yourself quite cool with the swishing of the of the feather you don't get that with a ballpoint i'm allergic to feathers

are you yeah um nick and worthing thank god you're not a bird of prey. Life would be nightmarish. No, I thank God every day for that. I'm playing footy. You are a bird of prey. Go on. He went with me then, trying to get back in my good books. You know when someone says something that's slightly... Like, I did it with...

I said to Emily this morning that she looked a bit tired when she came in. Yeah, and he was rude about me. She didn't take it well. I wasn't rude, I just said you looked a bit tired. You said you hadn't slept. And then after I started telling her how very, very beautiful she was. You know when people overcompensate? He took it too far.

People overcompensate. It went too far. I recognise it in myself. Gareth. Nick in Worthing, West Sussex, says playing football in the playground and went for a left foot pile driver. My artificial leg flew off. I hopped

after it and would have been quite happy to put it back on but the teachers got to me first. I was brandy chaired to the staff room and given a cup of water and a sugar lump. Brandy chaired? Brandy chaired? Yeah, I don't know that. Have you read that correctly? I think...

Bandy-chaired? Is that a thing? You can't just take letters out and see if you can make it work. It's not some sort of puzzle. It's the English language. It does say bandy-chaired. Yeah, it does say bandy-chaired. Bandy-chaired.

Is that when they lift you up and they put an arm under each knee joint and carry you like when they carry footballers off the pitch i don't know but it doesn't sound like the sort of thing i would have got involved in to be honest well i'll tell you what but comically that was very well put together that email because he didn't mention the artificial leg until after the pile driver so it was a complete surprise if it started i've got an artificial leg as soon as football so we know what's going to happen here the legs yeah no he held it back yeah like um and what was what did they give him? A McCartney with the wedding. No.

So he goes, I wish you hadn't said that. See, you give people a break in this business. Honestly, I wish you would give me a break. Oh. I'll tell you what, I like to end on a high before we go into the adverts. Because in cases we take in your car... That might be... I don't know how to get it off. I like to be in a high before we go into the adverts. Because in cases we take any car, that might be on. I don't like to get off rest. I like to be in the right mood for it.

But I'm going to leave it on this slightly awkward. Oh, no. Yeah, I am. That's where I'm going to leave it. Here come the adverts. Good luck to them, I say, in this atmosphere. Absolute. Radio.

Florence and the Machine, Dog Days Are Over. I remember realising that dog days are over. When I first left home, I was sitting in my horrible bed seat in Harbour in Birmingham. And I saw something glinting onto the chair and I thought, what is that? And I went over and it was a piece of bacon fat. And I realised I'd never lived in a house before without a dog. So when I ripped the fatty bit, I just chucked it over my shoulder. When I grew up, that bacon fat would not have hit the floor. The dog would have plopped it out the air like a frisbee.

He liked his bacon, Shep. Yeah, and I realised that dog days were indeed over. Anyway, little poignant moment there. Beautiful. Well, there was a thing I love... A little bacon fat anecdote based on loss. I think that's a good formula. Beautiful. I love a bacon fat anecdote based on loss. I think that's a good formula. Sorry.

There was a newspaper article this week saying that lots of people believe in old wives tales. Old wives tales. You're going to sample this article. By the way, I was told by the producer, can you remind everyone who you are? Really? What about that for a dig?

So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth joining in. I've never been so insulted. Carry on. 69% of people believe in old wives' tales and 72% pass them on to their children. Oh, wow. How do we define an old wives' tale, would you say?

It's not like a proverb, is it? No. It's actual, it's a bit like science. It's things like, oh, don't swallow chewing gum or your insides will stick together. Yes, now I was told that, and I still have never swallowed chewing gum. Yours did?

Yeah. Actually, that's a good point. I never did swallow chewing gum. Just thinking about it was enough. I thought it would be quite a good thing for your organs to be all intact, stop them rattling around. Nothing wrong with wrong with that yeah but not if they get gonged up but you know i honestly never have swallowed chewing gum because of that yeah in

fact that old wives tale has put all those little black shadows on pavements all over britain because people spit out their chewing gum rather than swallowing so that's an old wives tale basically it destroyed society on one level they need to be careful these old wives they don't think it through they're responsible don't sit too close to the telly I used to get told as well you should go blind or something

and also they used to say don't have the telly raised because if you look up at the telly it's very bad for your eyesight but they only said that when we watched Tiswars they never said that when the Railway Children or something nice was on like a BBC drama

we never watched I don't know if we had the bbc on us and there's lots of them there's lots of them where they say they're not true so things like going outside with wet hair will give you a cold that's not true is that not true no see i can't let them go the old wives don't know most body heat is lost through the head it's not true not if you live in newcastle and you're a girl, it's not My mum used to say Don't put hot tea bags in the bin Or you'll set the bin on fire

That's just ridiculous How hot were these tea bags? Well, they had to be kept alongside a nuclear reactor My parents said Don't put your Sobrani cocktail cigarettes in the bin Or you'll set the bin on fire. So I said, OK, I'll use the ashtray. Oh, there you are.

There you have the difference between us. We have a scale, a sort of a class scale with a Sobrani. I take it the cocktail cigarettes with the... The coloured ones. The pastel shade, yeah. They were the first ones I smoked. No, we're not talking about a Black Russian. We're talking about the pastel shades.

No, my nanny used to buy them for me. And on the other side, not only a teabag, but one of the... I remember when teabags came out. This is how old I am. I didn't know they were gay. Yeah. I'm on about that band, the teabags. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Now, a teabag... I remember the advert that said, no teas in a bag. It was quite a big... I couldn't believe it. What, it's in a bag? No flavour will come out. Oh, God. It's become a big... I couldn't believe it. What, it's in a bag? No flavour will come out.

Oh, God. It's become a history lesson. Anyway, text... If you've got any old wives' tales that you still stick by or have let you down, do text us. This feels like a proper radio phone-in, doesn't it? Yeah. 8, 12, 15, we're on.

8, 12... I think that's weird. I'm going to combine now, in a bit of a flash of brilliance, the famous at school for a brief period thing with The Old Wives Tale. Oh, I love a hybrid. There was a kid at our school called Fat Paul. This was in the days when there weren't many fat kids.

I can make you thin, Paul. Did he sing? Was he a really good opera singer by any chance? No, it wasn't him. I think he went on to be a dictator of Cambodia. So anyway, Fat Paul, right, and as I say, it was a bit of a character

if you were the fat kid at school. You got a certain amount of celebrity just for being the fat kid. But also, he had a bad heart. And this made him something of a hero.

And my mum, I remember, she said, oh, we said, that poor lad. She said said he's got what they call a fitty fatty heart she said that's what fat people get they call it so they were you know that this day that my mum often quoted um the sort of they that said oh this

is that rain that they say makes you wet there's a certain type of very fine rain my mum would call the rain that makes you wet. Absolute Radio. Magnificent. Talking heads, road to nowhere. I'll tell you what is magnificent. The amount of emails we've been getting in, or texts, I should say, on 8-12-15 regarding old wives' tales. OK, well, I've become fascinated by them now, because I think some are definitely true, aren't they?

Well, I don't know about this one from Harry in Buckinghamshire. My mum used to say potatoes would grow behind your ears if you didn't wash them properly. God, I think my mum said that. See, how did they spread? There was no internet then. Why did these old wives have some sort of network? It was the oral tradition, Frank. Ah, the oral tradition.

I love that, the old wives. I remember when I was a plumber like anyway i don't have time for silly reminiscences um this is um no name but phone number ending 570 i was told if i pick my nose my head will cave in oh yeah that's another one i remember you're looking at me like i'll go oh yeah, yeah. No one ever said that to me. No one in your house. They just quoted Ibsen. But, you know, there's a lot of wisdom in the people. The wisdom of the people.

Yes, and also with this, old wives tell, don't play with your belly. Old wives tell. Old wives tell. Don't play with your belly button or your bum will fall off. A lot of wisdom in the people. Is that right? No. Is that how it's secured?

Secured. I don't know. It's got the feeling of a screw head. There's an element of a screw head or some sort of bolt about the navel. It's got to be doing something, isn't it? That might be medically correct. I don't know.

Cat in London says, Hi, Frank. My mum used to tell us that if we opened our Christmas presents before 9am, they would disappear. That's true. No, I'm sure that's not true. I don't know, unless they were like biscuits. Depends which area they lived in as well.

What about... You left the door open. If they were bowls of cereal, that's what they got bought for. Or vapour. One of those families that bought quite a lot of vapour for the kids. In jars. Or if we left some little hot toddy for Santa, that wouldn't last long in my house.

No. Well, we'll say no more about that. Well, that's tremendous news. Also, I've had some texts saying, what's this with Emily's bra? Yeah, they are. They're complaining because we haven't talked about it. Well, we haven't talked about Emily's bra this week. I don't know what's this with Emily's bra? Yeah, they are. They're complaining because we haven't talked about it. Well, we haven't talked about Emily's bra this week.

I don't know what's happening. Standards are dropping on this show. Can you believe we're Sony nominated? No, neither can I! So, my bra. Well, what happened? I'm uneasy already. Well, you were uneasy about my bra. Oh, wait, sorry, one of the webcams has just exploded.

Yes. So, when I was in Frank's green room... Yes. That's not a euphemism, by the way, that was just his green room. Can I say there's a lot of people in the green room? Yeah. It's where people gather after a show. It wasn't a green room that just Frank and I were in.

No, I wouldn't have liked that. And I had a T-shirt on, and Frank suddenly said, I'm finding it very difficult to look at you. And I said, why? Well, I always do. I just don't know why I brought it up on that occasion. You're going to have to explain now, Frank.

Well, there used to be a certain look, that when I lived in Birmingham, certainly in the 70s, there was a certain look that girls would sometimes adopt, particularly the sort of girls that went out with men that drove big motorbikes, is they would wear a white T-shirt with a black bra. And this was the whole thing. So it was before, it was pre-Madonna.

Not pre-Madonna. It was pre-Madonna. So, you know, you didn't see many bras in those days. I didn't see a bra until I was 24. Oh. Really. And I knew they were there. I saw the outline. I never saw a bra. Anyway,

then women started wearing them. So the black bra white t-shirt thing was quite a big thing. But, I mean, you can take that and you can take it too far. And we'll find out how far it was taken after the... I can't move, I think. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Gareth and with Emily. With Daisy on Teacup. And Emma is the producer. That's the entire radio family.

Although we do, we've got, you know when the neighbour used to come round and just sit in the house and you'd think, oh, is she going to go? I mean, I know she's lonely. Like in Fresh Fields, that sitcom. I remember that. My girlfriend's mum was coming. Mrs Weston used to come round our house. Mrs Weston?

Mrs Weston. No, no, I didn't live there. Mrs, she was allowed some respite. We used to let her sit for an hour, rose. Anyway, so, now Mrs. Weston used to come round our house, the bench from next door.

And Ernie, her husband, once, I remember she came round once and she brought an alarm clock and it was half full. The face of it, half of the face, was full of urine. And she said, oh, Ernie dropped this in the, you know, the thing in the bedroom. He dropped this.

Do you think you can fix it? And she put it on our kitchen table. I mean, it was, you can imagine my distress. I used to take her a Sunday lunch round every Sunday, come to think of it. And she used to be sitting at the table waiting for it to arrive, just holding a big spoon. Where was the rest of her cutlery? I don't know. I don't know if she had it.

You know, we was poor, but, you know, we was happy. Anyway, that's enough from last of the summer wine. Anyway, my bra. Oh, yeah, your bra. Go on, then. So there's a fashion, isn't there? Well, it's enough from last of the summer wine. Anyway, my bra... Oh, yeah, your bra. Go on, then. So there's a fashionism in there, you were telling me. Well, it's underwear as outerwear. That's my excuse, anyway, for looking a little bit cheap.

But I explained this to you, and you sort of said, well, I don't care, I find it very awkward to look at you. Well, it was awkward, because when you have a female friend, it was, you know, an attractive woman, but a friend... And you're like my brother, Frank. Exactly. It's as if your sexuality has been decommissioned, as far

as I'm concerned. You're a bit like the IRA for me. You know, I only liaise with your political wink. But I don't speak in a helium voice broadcast. But you know how I saw it, though? You know you were talking last week about opening the packet of crisps and letting everyone have a bit of a free

reign over it. I saw the bra a little bit like that yeah but the trouble is just like being a bit bountiful being look you know share and share alike yeah the trouble is it was i mean it was at best a half cop and i i you know once it had been mentioned you know you can feel your neck muscles going that you think well i can't look at the i looked everywhere except the bra. I know. And then I said, look, just have a look. At one point, I looked across at Gareth.

He was just dragging his index finger against a wall, checking for dust. And Lee Mack was in there as well. Oh, yeah, I love Lee Mack. Did he get the bra treatment? He's a friend of the show. Look, you're doing it now. You're adjusting.

I just stopped. No, but the thing about Lee Mack is he just looks straight at it and then it's over and then you can move on. It's very straightforward. I like that in him. I like that. But Lee invented a great game. Do you know that Noel Fielding of The Mighty Boosh described Lee Mack as looking like a 1950s greengrocer?

He does? Not only does he look like one, but he basically is one. Except he sells jokes instead of apples that's quite brave of noel fielding to be discussing other people's eccentric appearance though don't you think i don't know i like the chroma yeah lee mack um invented a game called he said he played it before he did admit that but it was called horse or Plate. And essentially I mean, I just saw... Horse or Plate? Yeah, well I saw

him, there were three women standing there and he just went Horse, Horse, Plate. I said, what on earth are you doing? He said, well no, you can divide the population up into having a horse face or a plate face. So if I go... It's not what he most liked to see them sitting on. I wondered why Lee Mack

was standing in the corner of the room pointing at all the women going horse horse horse yeah he does that sometimes but he's better if i look at you and gareth for example horse borderline plate oh no no no you're horse i'd say i'm very horse you know if you take sort of emma bonten as the classic plate... She's plate. Yeah, and then Amy Winehouse as the classic horse. Oh, you don't get much more horse than that. Well, I'll see your Amy Winehouse, and I'll raise you Leona Lewis. I can't comment on that, because I love Leona.

I don't like being categorised in this way. I don't fit into people's categories. No, that would be a good jingle. Let's isolate that. Henning Vein is on after the next thing. You know Henning Vein. Is he a plate, do you think? Is he a plate or a horse?

That's a good question. We'll check him out when he comes in. I mean, he won't be hearing this, so we won't know what's going on. But we'll just feed our verdict into the conversation. Just say, yeah, and it's great to... Oh, I'm a little horse, this one, and we're working out from that. Absolute. Radio.

It was the magnificent fall with Fonnell of Love. And Henning Vane is in the... Well, he's not just in the building, he's in the studio. Good morning, Henning. Guten Morgen, guten Morgen. Oh, that's it, straight into it. If you've got any texts for Henning on 8-12-15... The German theme, we don't often discuss on this.

That's strange. That must be the only station in the country where that isn't discussed quite a lot. Don't you mention the war frequently on this one? I don't think we brought it up today. Which war would we be talking about? The first victory or the second? No, I'm not going to pressure you.

No, I was forbidden from talking about politics, so I'm not going into any of the more recent wars. No, no. Were you forbidden or were you verboten? I was ergoten. I did German at school, actually. Did you, Frank? Yeah, we didn't do French at our school

because it was what they call a technical school. So the idea is we'd go and work in business, factories and stuff. So they thought German was going to be the language of the future. Yeah, well, that might still turn out to be true. We're holding on. This was 30 years ago.

Third time lucky. So what are you up to, Henning? First of all, I have to thank Vinnie, the meat van driver, because I was out here on Golden Square, didn't know where to go. I thought, where is Absolute Radio? And then Vinnie knew.

He said, I'll show you if you mention me on the radio. That's a deal well struck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done, Vinnie. Did you get any meat out of him? Well, I didn't have enough pockets, did I? Oh, that's a blow.

Yeah, yeah. I hate an opportunity missed when it comes to free meat. Yeah. Hmm. No. So you're on tour. I should say that in case... If no one's heard of anything...

I hate to even say that that could be true, but there could be someone tucked away in the obscure Rostock area. Who is Henning Vein? Well, Henning Vein is the German comedy ambassador to the United Kingdom. Yes. And, yeah, it's not the easiest of jobs. No, you've changed people's views, though, definitely.

I should say that Henning sends me a monthly bulletin of his views on the news. Always absolutely hilarious. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah. Thank you. So how do you spread the word? Well, essentially by being a stand-up comedian and gigging loads and playing up and down the country.

So the day before yesterday, I was langokhland in in north wales and i need to give you an idea of how different the country and the different region of the country there is a cash machine in langokhland and i've got a photo to prove it it's a cash machine in langokhland and it goes you can withdraw either 10 pound 20 pound as a amount £20 other amount. I withdrew £50 and almost felt frivolous. I know how you feel. I love the fact that other amount. Was it oddly touched, that? Yeah, it was still all shiny and all that.

Got the cellophane on it like a new watch face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you never know. Maybe the people that touch it, they really do demand a fiver then yeah let's not get ridiculous the fiver will do i only want to buy one house so is it true do people still have a sort of a german stereotypical view hasn't that faded a bit now in the modern world? Well, I try my very hardest to make sure it doesn't. No, but it doesn't. I mean, just open the Daily Mail

and every single day the question of the Daily Mail will be something like, did the RAF save Britain from Hitler or something? So you can open the Daily Mail and similar papers. You can open any given day, there will be loads of references to Nazi Germany. Yeah. Why is that, do you think? I think because Britain hasn't won anything since 1945.

Oh! Yeah, I think, well, if Torval and Dean are listening, they'll be outraged. Yeah. Well done, Frank. You tell him. You can see I really had to scratch around there. I frantically tried to think. Yeah, well, I'm not going to mention, obviously, the obvious 1966. Yeah, but that was a swindler. We all know that.

Well, there was a grey area, I think. In fact, Sir Geoff Hurst, in his book, actually said that he perhaps thinks, looking back, maybe that ball wasn't over the line. Really? Sir Geoff Hurst said that. Yeah, but that's essentially just rubbing it in, isn't it? So go, oh, yeah, and we won it, and it wasn't even in,

and we know it wasn't in. So there is a not very genuine, not very genuine remorse, I would say. He won't even accept our apology. That's how bad it's gone. He's still selling himself as the man who got the hat-trick in the World Cup. He hasn't said, I know I've only got two goals. He's sticking with it. Yeah, yeah, and not only that,

he's taking the money off the German government, because you remember the World Cup 2006 in the run-up, he was working for German tourism, so there was a big advertising campaign based around him, and then the Sunday titled him him what was it the worst yes yeah oh first worst he did there yes it's a sausage joke expect there'll be more of those after these adverts absolute radio henning vane is our guest this morning i might give him a quick burst to make him feel at home.

Stand up, everybody. Or else. So, Henning, you're on tour at the moment. Yes, tour kicks off May the 10th in lovely Glasgow, and I'm touring with a German friend of mine, Otto Kuhnle. He's a typical German variety performer, so in the music hall tradition. One of his brilliant numbers is he can yodel while in a headstand, dressed as a woman.

So that's all the entertainment you need, isn't it? Something for everyone. Let's start upside down yodelling. Don't you feel you need to top that in some way? Well, er... It would be tricky, I know. It would be, yeah. I mean, how do you top yodelling, for starters?

I mean, I once... I can direct a cowbell orchestra. Yeah, give eight people a cowbell and then direct them to play a song so uh yeah i'll try my hardest and but other than that is i'd stick with a comedy maybe that is yeah yeah yeah yeah uh yeah it is the thing is it's two different styles otto brings that that german that oh let's see that overseas style to the entertainment and i started stand-up comedy over here in britain seven years ago so i've got a very very brit British approach to to stand up so and it's a combination of the two

that makes the yeah that makes it a show and uh is the this year show is called uh German humor goes global yes yeah it's a bit of a mission statement short short show is it no that was last year. We were doing 1,000 years of German humour. Right. That we had to stretch to an hour. No, and so, no, there's lots of dates coming up in Scotland. Up and down the country is one in London on May the 19th

at the Leicester Square Theatre. Oh, OK. That's a lovely theatre there. That is a lovely theatre, yeah. Do German people come to your shows as well? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Germans that live over here, they love it because it deals with the stereotypes they encounter

on a day-to-day level with, I don't know, beach towers and David Hasselhoff and goose stepping and sausage and God knows what ideas you have about Germany. Those are some of my favourite things you just mentioned. It's tough that David Hasselhoff has got kind of laid on Germany. It's because he did that massive gig, isn't it, on the Berlin Wall? Hang on, now let's get one thing straight here. So David Hasselhoff built a worldwide reputation

on allegedly being famous in Germany. He isn't, but it's his own marketing campaign. I see. I mean, how long is the wall in Berlin? How long was that, 170 miles? How wide was his stage, maybe 10 metres? And he played one song on 10 metres of 170-kilometre stretch, and based on that, he said he's a star in germany he isn't

well it's a good story he's telling yeah but if you got a gig on the berlin wall he must have been known if i'd go back the wall is you can go and not because the wall isn't up there's a bit of wall left i could still go into 10 minutes yeah yeah and then yeah and that's exactly what he did and on the strength of that he went out and said that he's a big star in Germany. So I should say I'm massive in Belgium or something. Yeah, but you have to go there first. You've missed the ingredients here. You have to go and do a gig there.

You haven't put the hours in like the Hoff has. If you go to the Great Wall of Brussels... I don't think that's there. Oh, terrible mix-up. I once said to a journalist, a Sun journalist, casually, who I met in a bar, that I was back in Germany in the World Cup final against Brazil. I said, I've always liked the Germans. I think the Germans are the closest to the English in Europe.

And the next day, they had a picture of me, one of these Photoshop pictures in the Germans, I think the Germans are the closest to the English in Europe. And the next day, they had a picture of me, one of these Photoshop pictures in Leiderhosen and the full thing, and the headline was France, Skinner. So you've got to be, I'd like to make it absolutely clear that I love Germany, and we're going to hear more from fabulous Henning after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Henning Weyn is with us this morning.

Are you going to the World Cup, Henning? No, it's too far away, isn't it? What, South Africa? Yeah. I'm sorry it's not in Germany. You must have seen those big metal things with wings. Yeah, but they aren't flying, are they? Oh, now they are flying again.

You've got to keep up with the news. This is it when you're on tour, you start losing track, I think. So, I suppose you think Germany is going to win the World Cup, is that right? Well, if you ask me as the German comedy ambassador, of course we're going to win the World Cup. If you ask me as Henning Wien, not a chance in hell. Oh, really? No, I can't see it.

Oh, well, that's good. That's cheered up our listeners. You know what'll happen? There'll be some penalty shootout and the Germans will be super cool and finish it off and that'll be it. Can you really see that? You know what they always say? I remember me and David Baddiel

did a thing on Fantasy Football where we wrote on a blackboard Off the Germans. And we've broken the rule here when they say never write off the germans because that's what people always say it's a great reputation to have yeah but if on the other end we haven't won a major tournament now for 14 years not since 96 and we haven't even been to a final of a major tournament since 2008. What I loved about when the Germans won in 1996, and there weren't many things I loved about it, but when they went back to Germany

and the team was presented on the balcony in front of about 250,000 people, they sang three lines. Did they? Yeah, they sang football's coming home. The Germans. Yeah, because football was coming home at that moment wasn't it was a trophy yeah so tell us more about tell us more about the the show well what can i say the

and we were traveling up and down i don't know glasgow edinburgh do you like touring are you a man who likes hotels and all that stuff uh yeah, if it's independently run hotels, I really like them. Oh, you've got a political agenda. It's got a bit Dave Gorman. Yeah, no, I try to stay as far away from franchise places as I can, but... Really? French places, did you say? No, not French.

No, it started. French-type places, he definitely said that never forgiven them for that resistance movement uh yeah well i love i mean stand-up comedy what is it it's three things isn't it it's writing and is is is performing and it's traveling so and i enjoy all three aspects of it it It just has to be reasonable. What I don't like, and I'm thinking you're the same, is if you go in a car five hours up the motorway to a gig and then after the gig back in the car five hours back down to London.

So that I find horrendous. But if you stay there overnight and get an idea of the area, then I think it's the best job in the world. Well, do you mean, are you talking about groupies? When you say get an idea of the area, is that what you're talking about? I mean, it's very subtly put. I'm happy in the car with five hours because my car radio is

tuned into Absolute Radio. Oh, very. Such a company man. Just a moment for that to soak in. So, Absolute Radio, I'm going to say the name again, are sending me to the World Cup so I shall be out there. I think he's met Paul McKenna recently

and he's hypnotised him into plugging all sorts of things. I think he's done Absolute Radio as well. Have you ever met Paul McKenna? I haven't. He's a fantastic person. He can make you thin. He's tremendous. He can make you thin.

He can make you English. Can you make me pot belly disappear? Well, that would take him, I'd say, between 40 and 45 minutes. Have you got his number? I've got one of those potbellies as well. How does that happen? Why? Because I'm a thin man, and then I've got this little bowling ball in there.

I have got no idea what it is. Mine, it sits on my belt. Anyone got any idea, please text in on 8-12-15. My belly's like, it's like an airbag on a dashboard. Anyone got any idea, please text in on 81215. My belly's like, it's like an airbag on a dashboard. It just sits there. And do you also have that problem that your T-shirts or whatever, they always come up

and the trousers, they always slip down? Essentially, I'm never wearing any clothes from, well, I would say from the side to, well, essentially my nipples. So there's usually nothing there because it's either down or up. Yeah, that's

terrible, isn't it? It is! Because, you know, people don't like that. I'll be honest with you. Generally speaking. Well, I'm glad we've ended on a sort of middle-aged spread theme. There'll be people sitting at home now just pushing their breakfast plates away from them saying,

that's my appetite gone. Well, Henning, go and see Henning on tour. And where's the first gig? It's on May the 10th in Glasgow. And really, it's a very, very funny show and a very, very funny man. And I look forward to seeing the upside-down transvestite yodels. Yeah. Yeah, fabulous.

That was Henning. That's the morning! So I went to see The Strokes, who that was, at Brixton just after the first album. Turns out Emma, our producer, was also there, she tells me. We were just reminiscing mid-track here.

And she got punched. Yeah, I don't know if I believe it. Do you? You think she's trying to talk... She's trying to sound all harsh. Sound a bit street. A bit all Vinnie Jones. I was quite shocked. It don't know if I believe it. You think she's trying to make us sound a bit street. Or Vinnie Jones. I was quite shocked. It doesn't seem right.

It's a strokes geek. Mind you, I once went to saw a band called Punch. And I had a stroke. So things can always be worse. A small bonfire appeared on my forehead. So people knew it was happening. They were able to rescue me in time can i just say frankly that ben jones has arrived in the next studio oh yeah ben's there and look at

his little face hello ben and um don't encourage he's unpacking his shopping he's brought a load of sainsbury's bags i saw a trifle coming out and all sorts He doesn't look like a trifle man, does he? Because he's got a stomach like stone. Yeah. I once lived, I think this story's all right. I lived with a Chinese girl in Coventry. It was student halls of residence. And we were talking about, you know, if we won, if we won, we used to say the pools in those days.

There was no lottery. Oh, yeah. And she said, I said, what would you spend your money on? And she said, trifles. She said, you know, I said, well, not all of it. She said, no, but I do really, really like trifles. She said, you know, in China, you know, there's not much chance for it, really. And I said, that's brilliant.

I've never heard anyone say that before. And she said, no. She said, you know, I really, really like it. And, you know, that'd be one of the first things I... And we talked for probably about two and a half minutes. And it wasn't until she said that trifle broadened the mind. Oh. I realised she was saying travel.

Right. Yeah, it's absolutely true that. You know, travel, I thought, well, that's a boring choice. But if you said I've won the polls where's the trifle shop i mean i was thinking how much can you spend on trifle if you move into the sherry i can't drink the sherry because of my i'm not a big fan of trifle my my drinking past i can't oh let's not talk about your drinking past we've raised it although i was reading um in style magazine i don't know if you're familiar with it. Oh! Yes, Emily is the deputy... Are you an editor or an editress?

Editress. Yeah. I'm deputy editor. There's an interview with Leona Lewis. Horse. And... Frank! No, I'm just on about her face shape.

I'm not about her. Oh, OK. Obviously, there's nothing equine about her inner being. The headline is horse or plate. Is that the headline? Will you stop bringing my magazine into disrepute, please? Anyway, Leona. You're respectful.

We all love Leona. I mean, she's a great talent. She's fantastic. And she says that she doesn't drink alcohol because it tastes like hairspray. Yeah. Do you agree with that? Well, the funny thing about that is when I used to drink alcohol,

I actually drank hair lacquer once. You did not. In lager. Can I say, if you're listening at home, please don't do this. It's extremely dangerous. All those rushing off to do it. Yeah. That's what they call a stiff drink.

No. But I did drink it, and it doesn't actually taste like you think it's going to. It's just extremely bitter and unpleasant. Not like you think it's going to taste. I've never really ruminated on what it might taste. Leona Lewis, never make your casual wet air spray taste like until you've checked it out.

These young people, they come into the business and they know this and they know that and they know nothing. Absolute Radio. I've been having some weight loss advice. I don't mean coming in through my vibrating head from Paul McKenna. Obviously he's constantly in touch with me. I don't want to buy that

orange shirt from Topshop. This is from F in London. From F? Oh, that's not... Someone called F in London. Yeah, okay. Frank, a potbelly is because you eat too many sweet things.

What is he, a nutritionist? He's a letter. I think that's how he is. Is he French? That's one theory. I am quite worried about it, because apparently a potbelly can give you a heart attack. Really?

If you just catch it in the mirror, you're not expecting it. Yeah, it is. It's starting. I've the mirror, you're not expecting it. Yeah, it is. It's starting. I've never been, you know. I'm a very thin person. You are, actually. It's just this tiny. You know when you see those things, like a python that swallowed a goat?

You see those pictures in the paper. It's completely thin, apart from one enormous lump. It's like that. I'm really, it's not good. They are for goats. Ian Box has texted in, old wives curtails. Old wives

curtails? It's a very edited email. In Japan, an old wives tale is that if you whistle at night, your parents will die. That's a superstition, isn't it? More than an old wife's tale i don't know i don't think any old wife would take that i mean an old wife's tale is like my mum used to say that

if you ate the yellow bit of a pomegranate you'd die because it's poison or and i used to think i don't think that the poison should be in such proximity close proximity to the succulent berry i mean you could easily get a bit of yellow accidentally, and then, you know, then where are you? Nick from Ryslip has said, my mum and dad used to say you must eat bread with a fried breakfast or else you'll be thirsty all day. That's rubbish!

I think that's probably true. What do you mean? It's not. Well, we'll try it after. OK. I'll have it with bread, you'll have it without. And then we'll sit in a room with no liquid and see how long we last. That'll be worth seeing.

Ben Jones is our next, by the way. Why is this trifle? But stick with it. No, I love Ben Jones. We pull his leg, but we pull his leg the way you pull the leg of a close friend. Exactly. There's love in the room with BJ.

Oh no, let me rephrase that. Oh, it's gone awful now. Bill Clinton has actually just texted in. I mean, I don't know, what's going on? Oh God. Anyway, I think we're near the end of the do we near the end of the, yes,

producer is doing that thing like a big wind-up thing. I thought it was calisthenics at first. Do we know the end of the... Yes, a producer is doing that thing, like a big wind-up thing, and I couldn't... I thought it was calisthenics at first. No, I think it means we're running out of time. She's just put a thing next to me that says stop for a minute, and I thought, what am I supposed to do? But that's the name of the next track.

I mean, I could have made a complete fool of myself. If you're out this bank holiday weekend, enjoy yourself, but don't get you know drunk and met for do something a bit you know why not you know have a bit of a read maybe a little bit of a houseman would be uh oh the 11th hour well i'm terribly sorry about that. I mean, we're one professional. There goes the 70.

Oh, God. I'm going to make... And I have my frock and everything. Yeah. That wasn't swearing. Anyone who'd half heard that... LAUGHTER Oh, good day to you. Absolute.

Radio.