The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Isy Suttie

Episode Date: May 30, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth are joined in the studio by funny lady Isy Suttie.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

This is the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio podcast and this is me, Frank Skinner, with Emily and Gareth. Hello. Sorry, you caught us mid-joke there, but the other one has gone now. So today's show, I thought, was absolutely splendid. It was a lovely show before we go away. It was, yes, because Garrett's going away to have a baby, and so he'll be sorely missed.

But Izzy Sooty was our guest, and she was very funny, as always. And we talked a bit about Britain's Got Talent. We talked quite a lot about Britain's Got Talent. It got a bit out of hand, did it? I mean, can I, yes, I'm not going to apologise. Well,

what else is going on? Nothing else is going on. MPs are corrupt. No, FA Cup final, who cares? And you're going off on holiday,

Frank, and you've even got your sunglasses on your head. I never do that. Like a wag. I never do that, but I didn't gel today

before I went out, so I thought they'll be all right up there, because if you've gelled, you put your sunglasses on, they come down after that. It's like they've been in the deep fat fryer in a chip shop. I hate that.

But yes, I'm off on holiday. I don't know why I'm telling you this, because you'll just listen to the podcast and that's all on there. Just listen. I think, honestly, I thought it was one of the most I've enjoyed of them all. It was a cracker. So thanks for listening. We appreciate it and enjoy.

Absolute Radio. I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily. I'm with Gareth. It's Saturday morning. It's Britain's Got Talent final, FA Cup final, and I'm going to do all on the same day.

Unbelievable. So, yes, well, I watch Britain's Got Talent. I know everyone's talking about it, but we've got to talk about the ten-year-old girl who cried. Oh, gosh. It was, oh, man, I was in bits, honestly. It was the purest. Halfway through, I had a voice.

There's no worse time to go, I think. I don't believe her, though. I don't think there were real tears. Oh, come think. I don't believe her, though. I don't think they were real tears. Oh, come on. I'm sorry. I think the second bit was real, but you know when she initially cried? She cried in the way that every 10-year-old kid does

when they want something and they can't have it. And then she got her own way. She went... Exactly. Emily cries like that at the start of every show. Once we start, I want to start again. No, started, I want to start again! No, child.

I want to start again! Yeah, I thought at the end of the show, the guy who came third should have gone, why can't I start again? I should be allowed to start again as well. He's actually got a higher singing voice than her, that bloke. The guy with the huge cape. Oh, no, I felt so sorry for Holly Steele.

She was genuinely upset. No child could stage that. It would have been one of the great acting performances. I can't believe you just said that. A child couldn't protect... Wouldn't do that, wouldn't risk everything by... What if Dad said you can't... Well, Dad did say you can't do it again.

Yeah. It was a great moment. Was it Anne too, said he said he and said we've had a message from the producer actually you can't do it again it was fantastic absolutely brilliant and then simon came in and said no it's fine you're going to do it and i'd look really cross i thought i thought that was great because simon at cow obviously controls time so he could actually stop time so that it could happen. What he did, what I liked, it was very merciless. He basically, they just buzzed the juggler after about ten seconds so they got time for her to do it again.

I think they offed a performer as well. There was going to be one more when they took him out the back and finished him off in the alleyway. But I like the idea that when she was doing all that, then Susan Boyle was a whole thing. Oh, nobody will believe this, you little brat. He'll cray, cray, cray. You will tomorrow night.

I'll make you cray. Then you'll cray, probably. She can cray, but can she fight? Can she fight, eh? That's what it'll be like. I think Susan Barlow could well be turning up armed. And if she doesn't win, she could just go postal at the end of the thing

and take as many people out as possible. Oh, so I didn't win. Right, neither do you. We're all losers tonight. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh, God. P're all losers tonight. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh,

God, pfft. Oh. Pfft. Pfft. Like somebody bossing, thinking it might stop her. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. It's Saturday. We've got Izzy Sooty coming in afterwards. It was a very, very...

Well, she's in Peep Show, isn't she? She is from Peep Show and she's a very funny comedian live as well and so she's in Peep Show isn't she she is from Peep Show and she's a very funny comedian live as well and so she's coming in Joe Russell is on After Us

guess who she's got coming in I've no idea it's Stavros Flatley the dancing Greek father and son they're my favourite I want them to win there won't be an intact piece of crockery left in the studio. I imagine they go everywhere to... He doesn't cry, that boy, does he?

He holds his emotions together. He did cry. During the performance, he doesn't. His dad said to him, what are you crying for? What are you crying for? His dad did the classic dad thing. During the performance, no. What are you crying for?

He was a professional unlike that holy child turning on the waterworks getting her own way imagine how she feels today i mean that's that thing it's like getting back on the horse isn't it you know what i mean now that she went back on and she sort of got through it has that given her strength for the rest of her life thinking that when when things seem that they're hopeless, you can always turn it round? No, not if you throw yourself off the horse on purpose. That's different.

I just can't believe... She's learnt that you can turn on the waterworks and get your own way for the rest of her life. Very bad life lesson, Frank. You've been taught to Susan Boyle, that's it. Did you see that thing with the judges? When Susan Boyle was on this week, the judges started saying...

Simon says, look, can I just apologise? Because when you first came on this show, we really misjudged you. And she just looked like she didn't know what he was talking about. Like she hadn't heard about that bit. And she started going, I know nothing. I know nothing. I know... Oh, it was terrifying. Was that a Manuel it was terrifying it was I'm sure it wasn't that maybe it was just something that she used to have to say at school

but I think it was a Manuel reference yeah it's only a matter time before she's being found up by Russell Brandon she wouldn't have a grand... She couldn't have a granddaughter, could she? No, she'd never be. She's a virgin. That wouldn't be possible. No-one's ever lanced a boil. I can't believe... It's Susan, if you'll listen.

I can only apologise. Oh, don't worry! You apologise! So, um... Gareth's got a good Britain's Got Talent sort of jingle, haven't you? I say Britain, you say talent. Britain's Got Talent sort of jingle, haven't you? I say Britain, you say talent. Britain's Got Talent is the DJ talent.

The trouble is that when DJ talent said Britain, Britain didn't say talent. They said, mine, there you go. He doesn't leave a moment, does he? That's the problem. Is that what it is? You're supposed to go Britain, and then everyone says Britain. He doesn't leave a moment. You know, when I was leaving my flats this morning,

we've got a 24-hour reception on the bottom of the flats. Yes, OK. And I was leaving. It was quarter to seven or something like that. And as I left, a bloke, and I went, morning. And I thought, that was way too. And he looked at me in a kind of, I never knew that you were. It was one of the campest things I've ever said.

I don't know why I brought that up. It does sound a bit jaunty. I actually did a joke. I like to do jokes in my normal life as well as my professional life. And last night, my girlfriend said to me, she was in a magazine, and she said, you know, Tracey Emin has really got my figure and i said oh i wonder where it went and there was a slight tension in the air i thought and what i did though is i i thought maybe she didn't hear me you know when you do a joke and they don't laugh you think maybe she didn't hear me and she said yes i got that joke

it was a it was a Ted's. Ted's. Can you take this opportunity to say Kathy has a brilliant figure, please? She has a fantastic figure. She's like that Roger, not Roger Rabbit, but whatever the wife was called. Oh, that's even worse! She's got this enormous sort of lower back legs. Great look. And a Scott she's got.

She's like Jessica Rabbit. Do you know what a Scott is? No. That's the technical name for a rabbit's white fluffy tail. Oh, OK. A Scott. Yeah. The reason I know that is my dad once told me he went poaching

and this rabbit tried to run down a hole and his dad grabbed hold of the rabbit's Scott and the rabbit kept struggling and got away and the Scott came away in his hand with several bits of tendon and vein. What time is it? It's about 17 minutes past eight on a Saturday morning. If you're having kidneys for breakfast, I can only apologise.

Absolute. Radio. It's Saturday morning, apparently. Sure is. I thought of another figure-related thing that I wanted to raise. You know what you were saying about Cathy, that you said something about her figure? Yes.

And you thought it wasn't that complimentary. Her boyfriend, you know the comedian who I sometimes refer to? Yes. Who I went out with, who Gareth thinks is Ken Dodd, but it isn't. I wish it was Ken Dodd. So do I. You look like someone who's had extensive experience of a titling steve it's when the diddy men came in that's that's when i'd be alarmed carry on okay we're on holiday and

he prodded my carry on was a clue by the way yeah it was kenneth william it was bernard brez It was Bernard Bred's lull. Oh, I only asked. So he prodded my tummy as if to say, you've eaten quite a lot. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, which I thought was a bit rude. And then I said, you know, I think it's... I nearly said his name then. I think it's very important to be complimentary about women's figures, and I don't think you're very nice

about, you know, my figure a lot of the time. And he said, I'm always complimentary about women's bodies, my figure a lot of the time, and he said, I'm always complimentary about women's bodies, but you go mental. That's an excellent point. Have we had any emails yet? We haven't really asked for any subjects, have we, I suppose. Oh, yeah, we've got one.

We've got one email so far. That's the kind of show we run, ladies and gentlemen. I can't tell you, Neil Francis gets like 88,000 and then Joe Russell after us gets a million. Susan Boyle sent us a chicken head. Was that emailed or just nailed to the studio door? He threw it at the window, you could see the marks. This is from Rob.

This is from Susan Boyle, she's been all morning cutting the letters out of magazines watches allowed scissors are you guys crazy didn't they say no scissors for boil carry on um it's from rob and he says morning frank I so agree with your team. Yes, that child was clearly faking the tears and has conned the British public. I love Rob. Rob, I love you. Can I say I don't, absolutely don't agree. I think it was a tiny little girl upset. I don't think that she has, I quote, conned the British public. God, she's been lumped in with the MP expenses scandal.

She's a grifter. She's a grifter. She MP expenses scandal. She's a grifter. She's a grifter. She's playing us. She's a hustler. Oh, God, she hasn't even got a moat. Oh, man. Poor Holly. Esther Ranson is talking about becoming an MP.

I think that's going to be the big outlet now, is celebrities going into becoming it. Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother, there might be another one series and that's it. Cirque du Celebrité has stopped. So I think politics. Didn't someone say to you

when you went on Question Time? Somebody did say to me, you should stand but I think that's because there was a very old woman next to me and I had the only seat in the room to me, you should stand. But I think that's because there was a very old woman next to me and I had the only seat in the room. I think you should be an MP. Oh, yeah. I do. Do you know why?

Why? Because you've actually... I'm not saying you are trustworthy, but you've got a very trustworthy face. Oh, God, I've got a trustworthy... Because you've got rounded eyes and not... It's true, it's quite feminine in some ways and that means you're more trustworthy, that's true.

That's why David Cameron looks more trustworthy. David Cameron always looks like he's just had a shave. He's too smooth and a bit pink. David Cameron to me looks like he's about to balloon at any moment, like he's just going to get massive. Oh, you don't mean jump into a basket and go off across the Alps? Oh, you wish you would. I think you're suggesting you look like one of the mongolfier brothers i don't know who that is well maybe you should google it mister okay this show's educational

don't google it now we're doing a radio show for goodness sake we're not just sitting in the office oh you're all stuck where's my facebook page for goodness sake what i think we should why don't people uh texting who they think would make a a good mp which celebrity who do you think you've already um announced your candidacy i think susan boyle could replace gordon brown no one had even noticed she wore a suit and tie the hairy i just want to say that the hairy angel is not a nice thing to call somebody like they think by having angel following the word hairy it makes the word hairy okay it doesn't make it okay no you're right is an insult but what what could they i think you know the mad angel the singing psycho yeah exactly the go postal angel. Isn't it a coincidence, by the way, that Simon Cowell,

if you just take his initial, it spells, and his surname, it spells Scowl, which he does quite a lot. Yes. Do you think that's ever been pointed out before in Britain? I think that he took the game Simon Says far too seriously. And just went to his head. He can stop time, certainly. I was, I went to his head you can stop time certainly i was uh i went to me and emily actually gareth wasn't invited we went to see we went to the national theater on thursday

to see the i wouldn't have been allowed in no i shouldn't think so all's well that ends well so shakespeare yeah and uh afterwards there was a kind of an after show. And I was introduced to this woman. And she had like a sparkly top on. And the light, just as she was introduced to me, the light just sort of caught the top. So I said hello and immediately looked straight at her chest. And she wasn't low cut or anything. I just looked straight at her. And then I realized I'd done that. And I said, can I just say, I was just looking there.

I looked down there. You know can I just say I was just looking I looked down then you know I should have just left it I said I looked down then because there was like I wasn't looking at anything I wasn't like

looking at oh that's nice I wasn't looking at anything obviously I wasn't I didn't look that low you drew attention to it I said no

I was trying to make I didn't want her to think I was a pervert so I said I was just looking at the sparkling I said I wasn't looking at your cleavage

there was no cleavage there was a was oh thanks and I said I wasn't I was just looking at the sparkly. I said, I wasn't looking at your cleavage. There was no cleavage. There was. Oh, Frank. And I said, I wasn't. And she just looked at me and went, who are you?

I loved it. It was hilarious. And I said, I'm Frank. In a terrible, like I was at Alcoholics Anonymous or something.

Oh, it was so tragic. Absolute Radio. The emails are flooding in. Are they? Yes. I'm Don from Ballin says, David Cameron's baby teeth scare me. Has he got baby teeth?

He has got slight baby teeth. Does that mean that they'll probably fall out during the course of his premiership? I like that. He's got baby teeth in a box under his bed. I seem to think they're remembering reaching for a teething ring during Prime Minister's questions.

Mandy reckons Alan Sugar would make a great MP. I think that's probably true, you know. I told you I met Alan Sugar. I've never met a man who spoke so much sort of unrestrained common sense. He was talking about financial advisors. You know, you go to a bank and they tell you where to put your money. He said, it's like, it's exactly like, exactly like

if you walk past a bookmaker and there was a man sitting outside on a deck chair who said, look, I know a load about sport. Give me £100,000 and I'll put some bets on for you. And I just, when he said it, I thought, is that so true? He doesn't do that, Sir Alan. Matt Cotter from Glasgow said, Jimmy Cranky is Hazel Bliers. Ken Dodd is Chancellor. he said it i thought oh is that so true he doesn't do that sir alan matt cods from glasgow said jimmy cranky as hazel blairs ken dodd as chancellor smash ad martians as backbenchers yeah we're not casting a musical we're actually talking about mps i just i've told this story i think many but not on this show but i phoned someone it was in the paper about Jimmy Cranky who'd been injured in an accident and I said Jimmy Cranky's got hurt

he fell off a, or she fell off a beanstalk in pantomime and the person said you know you didn't need the in pantomime part of that sentence in one other context would you be on a beanstalk anyway, sorry, carry on.

And Jimmy Savile for the new speaker. Interesting. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. No, it's not as good as... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You're so proud of that impression. I'm very... Who's standing in for him?

Do we know that? Is somebody doing it? I imagine it because of the expenses scandal. He probably shouted that at his wife when she was online shopping. Sorry, order! Order! Absolute. Radio.

So I was at the Hay Festival. The Hay Festival is not a festival dedicated to the Fonz. It's in Hay on Y. That would be great, though. A festival dedicated to the Fonz. It's in high on why. That would be great, though. A festival dedicated to the Fonz. Loads of people in leather jackets. It was a hot day for a leather jacket. Oh, OK.

And doll jeans. Yeah. What jeans? All those jeans which were like doll jeans, the Fonz. They were really too neatly rolled up and the denim was a weird colour. Anyway. What do they call doll jeans?

You know, when they put dolls in jeans. Oh, dolls? Yeah, doll. That's a doll? That sounds like something you said when you were seven with your mates. Look, the Fonzie's wearing doll jeans. Oh, yes! I like it.

I like the way doll jeans have got a, when they have a label on them, they're much too big for jeans. They haven't scaled down the label. So there's like jeans that would be like an A4 envelope inside, as if anyone could cope with that level of discomfort. So, yeah, I was there. I'd like to live at the Hay Festival if it was like all the year-ranks. It's basically tents.

Not tents as in it's very tense. White tents, structured tents. And I could see then Gareth was after a pond. I had to jump in quick and these white tents and in every one of them there's somebody giving a talk so i just i walked into a tent and there was the astronomer royal giving an hour-long talk about whether there's life on other planets wow and then after that i went and saw and robert peston who's the bbc's financial advisor was telling us why the recession happened.

And you could just spend all day doing that, being told stuff. Does the Astronomer Royal look a bit like Isaac Newton or Samuel Pepys? I imagine him having lots of long, curly hair. No, sadly, no, he was in a space suit. He just got back from doing a bit of field study. I'll tell you what he did say, which a lot of people might know this, I didn't, that we've all got atoms from old stars in us. We're made up from bits of old...

When I say old stars, you know... We're made of stardust. Yeah, we are stardust. We are golden. Yeah, but isn't that incredible that I've got a bit of... We are all stars. Yeah, we're all old and decrepit stars. Well, actually, not all of us, just me.

But, yeah, I was fascinated by that. But he thinks if there's life in this galaxy, this is an official statement now, you've got to be careful what you say, because it might be like that Orson Welles' War of the Worlds and people think, oh, no, there's life. Apparently it was on Absolute Radio this morning, there's life on other planets.

There is definitely life on other planets. He said there might be simple life, as he put it, in the galaxy. Don't say a word. But, yeah. But he said there won't be intelligent life. He said that's highly unlikely. And he said the nearest intelligent life could be, it would take us about 30 years to get a message to him,

and then 30 years to get one back so that would mean as he said it would be good for a considered response but not great for witty rep party watching britain's got talent i'm not sure there's much intelligent life in britain well that's quite a social statement isn't it yeah well that's how i rolled but i'll tell you what i did get i got given uh you know these uh these books i don't really want to see them what these books a computer an e-book okay an e-book is is a it's not one of those teddy bears from star wars an e-book is like it's a it's a it looks like a book it's got another cover and then you can load loads of books onto it but it's a screen basically basically, you're looking at, yeah.

But it's brilliant. I'm never going to buy another book ever. Oh, don't say that. No, who needs books? And then I've got the e-book. You've said to me, though, there's a bookshop we both like in North London that we both go to.

Sorry, that sounds really dodgy, but it's a nice bookshop. Yeah. But you walk in, and isn't it lovely, like, looking at the books, taking them off the shelves? You'll just have a load of rows of white machines on the shelves. No, I'll only need one machine that's like saying don't have an ipod

because it's much better to have loads and loads of cds all over the house i forget you'll never turn you'll never turn another page no i'll just press a button i'll never turn another such good book i couldn't wait to scroll down yeah do you how you do it? Do you scroll down or does it? No, no, you press it, you click a button on the side and then it does that. It's very light turning the page, but easier. Even that is it. Honestly, it's the future. So I was all set, I go on holiday today, so I was all set to take it away and then it wouldn't charge.

So I ended up packing my bag with loads of heavy books. So that was the end of that theory. Can I just say, Frank, someone's written in maggie harper ronald to say um i agree with you or that holly steel is a spoiled brat i never said that i'm pro holly steel who knows she can get what she wants by faking tears yeah well she's learned that pretty early and she likes you taking off susan boyle as well oh. Oh, that's very sweet of her. By the way, if you want to phone us and say which celebrity should be a MP, the number is 8-12-15. I probably should have said that earlier.

I just thought everyone, you know, look it up is what I think. What am I? Some sort of 118-118 character? I think not. Absolute. Radio. Jeremy Clarkson for MP. Oh, no. Terrible idea. No. not. Absolute. Radio. Jeremy Clarkson for MP. Oh,

terrible idea. No. David Attenborough. Oh, I totally agree with that. I can't stand David Attenborough. What? No, I can't stand him. Frank, that's really part of friendship. What kind of a human being would watch an antelope at a waterhole, right, see a tiger coming

around the corner, and just go, oh, and he's in real trouble. Who would not go, there's a tiger! Who would not do that, who was a human being? But, no, he just, he says, and he's got no chance.

Yeah, he has got a chance. You! Shout! Throw a stone at the... Nothing. He's a happy slapper. That's what David Attenborough is. It's the circle of life. Have you not seen The Lion King? It's not the circle of... It's the pleasure of watching something be ripped to pieces.

It's unacceptable. You could have saved one antelope. It's not going to change the planet. That's really altered my opinion of you. I'm going to have to think about this. Well, you should think about it and then alter your opinion of David Attenborough. And he's blood lost. Blood lost? Simon Cowell as MP? Well, you should think about it, and then alter your opinion of David Attenborough, and his bloodlust. Bloodlust? Simon Cowell as MP. Simon Cowell, I think, would be decisive.

He is right about everything. He is right about everything, but he has got a combination of a centre-parting and an old-fashioned American GI crew cut, which should not be combined. He looks like a sort of a black shredded wheat on top of his head. Which can't, surely that can't be correct. I have to say, now, all morning I've defended Holly Steele, the girl who cried. I say cried now in inverted commas. Cried. On Britain's Got Talent.

Steely Holly. But we got the telly on on silent in here, because we get a bit bored. And they showed the clip of her first time round, and she was doing the face of crying, but there was no... Her cheeks were completely dry. Dry as the Gobi Desert.

I told you that before. You didn't believe me. No, I didn't believe... I remembered... What I'd done is I'd kind of placed tears upon her. That's where they get you, these con artists. Oh, man. Yeah, she's the sort of person

that could sell me real estate in Mexico. If ten-year-olds were allowed to do that legally. Not that it would be legal, of course. No, that has really surprised me. I like that thing that you said earlier, by the way, that what will Amanda Holden wear for the final? Because last night she basically came on in her pants. And a basque.

So tonight, I think she might just be completely naked tonight. She'll wear nauts. Some nice shoes. Naut. Yeah. That's what she'll wear. And Demi Moore was going to be a victim. Of course, she was never going to come, Demi Moore.

She was going to borrow Simon's plane. I like the fact that she said she'd come if she could have the plane. And when he offered first-class tickets, she graciously declined. Is that right? You know why she's not coming? Because if Susan Ball doesn't win, she's going to be the first hostage in She, Demi Moore. It's going to be like King Comedy. Demi Moore in an armlock with a gun to the temple saying,

Do I win or does Moore get it? Absolute. Radio. Oh, I always feel invigorated after the news. Of course, it's a thing with the news. People who perhaps don't do radio don't know this, but that's when everybody goes to the toilet in a radio station. Not that they don't want to hear the news,

because you can hear it in the toilet. But it just gives you that extra bit of time to go to the toilet and come back. So you go to the toilet at Absolute Radio and there's loads of people in there. I'd offer feeling that Stavros Flatley might be in there. Wow. Hopefully in separate cubicles, but they obviously haven't arrived yet.

But that's what people do. It made me think, if you work on Radio 3, that's an easy gig, isn't it? Because you say, here's Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, and then you're free for like an hour and 10 minutes what a job that's my next gig i tell you so um i told you i was at the hay festival i had um i did one of those things where you know when somebody waves at you and you wave back and then you realize that they were waving to someone just behind you and not to you. Oh, that's awful. Well, I did it once and I let it... I tried to get away with it like I was just

like exercising my arm. And then I did it completely... I did it again, honestly, about 20 minutes after the completely different person. So this time I stopped them and I said, I'm sorry, I was only waving at you because I thought you were waving at me. And I think if you're a, let's call it a celebrity...

A non-muggle people think yeah well who do you do you think everybody you know the world just evolves around you obviously i knew it didn't having seen the astronomer royals talk um that was one of the things i asked but does the world really revolve around me but it's it's a really oh man i hate that when you're horrible yeah i had a horrible experience at the GQ Awards once, and a friend of mine who was a journalist, Simon, was over the other side of the room, so I was waving manically at him,

and James Nesbitt, with cold feet, was standing in front of him, so he starts waving back at me. Oh, dear. I didn't know what to do, and then he walked over to me. Oh, right. And he went, you all right? How you doing? Did he think it was a chat-up wave? I don't know.

Is that what women do? No woman's ever done that to me, wave. All these women that can just wave you into bed. Wow. It was weird. Actually, I don't know if this was a deliberate joke, but I was once in a restaurant with Emily, and she said to me, how do you wave?

So I said, well, just, and I just demonstrated. Of course, the waiter came over, and I still don't know if it was a prank or not. It was said, I just demonstrated. Of course, the waiter came over. And I still don't know if it was a prank or not. It was very good if it was. I completely fell for it. It wasn't a prank. Another thing that happened. It is an odd thing. Over the years, I've developed a skill, which for me is a very

important life skill. And I'll give you an example. I was at the Hattie Festival and I go in an Oxfam t-shirt. I mean, a t-shirt with oxfam on not like a bionic woman t-shirt it's a bit grubby and smells of mothballs and he came over and he said uh nice to meet i'm um from from oxfam and we're doing this thing where we want celebrities to go around schools and speak to kids about the importance of reading and blah blah blah and he said i wonder if you'd be interested having a chat but you know you might possibly do it and i said no and he he just looked

at me like honestly like i punched him in the stomach and there's a lot of this i think if you say no to something anything people think you're a really bad person and i think being able to say no is very very important you just didn't want to do that i didn't want to do it i could have said you're not saying everyone should always say no to oxf very important. And you just didn't want to do that particular thing. I didn't want to do it. I could have said... You're not saying everyone should always say no to Oxfam. No, I'm not saying that for a second, although I am a cathod, Matt, and myself, but I don't want to set this up as a rivalry by any means.

But I... You shouldn't be scared of saying no. No, it's important, because I could have said to him, well, you know, what is my number? Speak to my agent. Or, yeah, I'll have a chat to you. And then I could have avoided him. All the sort of things people do, but I just just said no i've only just started saying it my therapist

helps yeah i've heard that well it's not before time can i just say that i was i was in camden in one day and um i got a kebab and i was i was eating this kebab and now and this lady came to me and sometimes in camden you don't know whether someone is just a normal person or whether they're a beggar person. Yeah, because they dress. There's a sort of a homeless chic that people wear. But sometimes people are dressed kind of quite poshly, but then you notice they've got no shoes on.

But she said to me, I was eating the kebab, and she said, oh, that looks nice. Can I have a bite? And because you're not allowed to say no, I kind of paused and thought, well, what, what? And then I realised, no, in that situation, it's okay to just say no. Well, a tramp asked me, can you still say tramp? They were called tramps then. I was on New Street Station in Birmingham and I was eating a burger and a tramp said to me, can I have a bite of that?

And I said, you've got enough food between your teeth to keep us both going for a week. And I think it's that kind of more straightforward approach that helps to lift people. Izzy Sutty has joined us in the studio, ladies and gentlemen.

Good morning. Good morning, Izzy. It's lovely to see you. Can I start by saying you're on tonight at the Soho Theatre? Yeah, that's right. Just in case you didn't know. Yeah, no, it's good to remind me. It's pretty early. I don't usually go, oh, nice quiet night in, watch Britain's Got Talent final,

and then suddenly, nine o'clock, think, oh, my God. I know. I'm so jealous, actually, of everyone that can watch it. No, well, I can't watch it as well because I've got to fly all the way to Greece and sit around. Do you want me to text you the results? Oh, yeah, please. Okay. I can't watch it as well because I've got to fly all the way to Greece and sit around. Do you want me to text you the results? Oh, yeah, please. OK. And if there is any bloodshed, if you could add that to the text.

Well, if Susan Boyle doesn't win, I'm going on a rampage. Are you? Yeah. Where are you going to go? We're going to hold it to that. I can imagine a Gareth rampage would involve some biscuits being broken. Yeah, go down to Costa. It would just be like Holly Steele.

I want to start again! Holly Steele, I don't think she could ever do radio because she'd never get the headphones over those giant-sized jocks. Oh, she's crying, whinging. When I say jocks, I mean about her ears. Oh, dear me. Oh, my God, what's happened? What, past nine?

Yeah, the fact is she's had quite a lot of work time overnight to try and win the show. You see, it's lovely to see you. So the show, is the tickets for tonight, is it worth telling people how brilliant it is? Well, you know what, I haven't been checking ticket sales because I was like, I don't want to know. Well, if people can't get in,

they could just kind of hang around outside like people do at big football matches. There'll be a big screen in Leicester Square. Yeah, exactly, I would hope so. So this is your... Because the last time you were on, actually you weren't on, I was speaking to you and we were talking about whether you were going to go to

Edinburgh or not and you weren't keen and your manager was pressuring you. I won. Well, Peep Show won because the filming schedule clashes. So I was looking for a reason not to go to Edinburgh because I just wanted to give it a miss this year and then they went, we need you for Peep Show. So you're doing more Peep Show?

Yes. Oh, brilliant. So I've got a read-through after this and then we start rehearsing. Immediately after this? At 10 o'clock, yeah. Oh, I really like, read-throughs are the best part of any scripted thing

because you don't have to remember anything, which I think is great. And you can have loads of biscuits. Can you? Yeah. Oh, yeah, and that's true. But do people laugh at a read-through when you sit and read the peep show scripts yeah they do laugh but um also there's always like

makeup people there and crew there and stuff and they don't necessarily laugh and you think oh no i'm not funny but actually they're just thinking about like what angle they're going to do it from or it's very weird that but i've got um i've got friends who are makeup people and they honestly say stuff like oh yeah i saw that uh slumdog millionaire i i thought um the cost the girls costumes they just were and you realize they watched the whole film from a costume point of view no i know it's mad it's crazy so so you're doing peep Show that's the next thing that's the next thing I'm doing a Radio 4 show as well called Lawrence and Gus Hearts and Minds

and we're recording that at the moment that's like a sketch show with songs in it and that's you writing and performing as well you are a multi-talent and you work on skins as well which is a very old fashioned method yes so what do you do on skins because i tell you

why i asked this i've never seen skins because it's kind of young people i always think we've got friends in skins though well david baddiel's been in skins yeah and harry and field and yeah they have david's wife there's partners yeah um but i don't watch it because i think it's a youth program and it feels unsavory a man of my age sitting and watching stuff like that but it says on our list of your many jobs comedy consultant for skins now I like the idea of being a comedy consultant and what does that entail?

Well it sounds really grand but it's just like there's a lot of writers on skins so there's often like 15 to 18 of us in a room with a whiteboard kind of going, this can happen, no, this can happen. So I just suggest comedy ideas, basically. Are they all young, all the people that write on it? A lot of them are young. There are a couple of people

your age, though. Are there? Yeah. What? Yeah. Do you mean Frank's not young? No, I think that I'm okay with that. They offer a sort of historical perspective. The veil's been lifted. If there's a World War II flashback, which I don't know if there's been one of them in Skins,

probably not. I think I'm probably thinking of Goodnight Sweetheart. I always get those two mixed up. Well, they're very similar, Frank. So, for anyone who's not familiar with your work, I mean, as a stand-up, actually, are you called a stand-up? Yeah.

Because there'll be people that have seen you on Peep Show but don't know that you do live stuff, maybe. So if we came to see you tonight, for example, I can't because I'm an oldie in Greece, as you know, what kind of thing would we get? I do songs mostly, I play the guitar, and they're things that come out of my head. So sometimes I suppose they could be categorised as off the wall,

but I don't think that because it's my head, if that makes sense. Yes. Yeah. I mean, you have a beautiful voice, if I may say so. Thank you very much. You are the hairless angel. I'm guessing. Obviously, I'm guessing.

Can you imagine if no one had seen Britain Got Talent? They were like, what is he talking about? Do you know what? Even if they have seen it, it's quite weird. I think they'd probably think that anyway. Now, you got into comedy in kind of an odd way, didn't you? Yeah. You had a moment.

Yeah. I just was doing the songs for ages. When I was at school, I used to write songs to try and pull lads. Does that work? I've never heard of sort of musical chat-up lines. It's like green sleeves, isn't it? Does that work for you and no one else? Because I fancy Henry VIII.

Oh, I see, yeah. Well, he wrote that for you then, effectively, didn't he? I used to get commissioned in, like, suites and mini baby bells and stuff like that when I was about 11 or 12 to write songs for lads at school. What? I know, and then I'd teach it to my mate and I'd play guitar on it, but she'd sing it. I would have written it.

What kind of... Was it the Nina Conti stage school you went to? It was just an ordinary school. Yeah, it was just an ordinary school, yeah. So you'd approach... You'd have a guitar, presumably. it was just an ordinary school yeah it was just an ordinary school so where would you approach you'd have a guitar presumably yeah so I had the guitar so she'd point him out and then we'd write down facts about him

like the colour of his hair and his eyes and a couple of facts about his personality and then I'd write the song sometimes it would be a duet because one time we fancied two best friends called Tim and Dan so we wrote a song for both of them with us singing different lines about each of them but generally it was just for one boy

and then we used to record it like have a recording session onto cassette tape and then we used to put it in their bags while they were in assembly kind of anonymously did they know you it was you had they commissioned you to write it well the friends had The boys just ran a mile. And did it work, though? No, it really didn't. I mean, at best, they thought that we were a bit mental and kind of needed a hug, but that was it. Well, I mean, I think. I was going to think.

Well, you know, I'd be quite flattered. I was going to think. I didn't think it in the end. I thought better of it. It'd be quite flattering. But if you're all across the playground, a different boy every couple of days, I don't of it. It'd be quite flattering, but if you're all across the playground at a different boy every couple of days, I don't suppose it is, because you and your wandering troubadour chat-up lines

would become a feature of the school. That's it. We moved on quite quickly when there was no reaction. We were like, oh, well, it didn't work on him, let's look for another one. Did it ever work? It never worked. Do you think it would work now? Well, I think it probably would work now, but now you've got a bit of

celebrity. Almost anything would work, I think. That's what I think. Also, you've grown into a very beautiful woman, if I may say so. Moonlight becomes you, it goes with you. See, it doesn't work. Absolute radio. So, is it your show tonight? It's at the Solo Theatre.

What time is it at? It's 8 o'clock, 8 till 8.55. And I think there might be a few tickets left. So you should really go, because I've seen Izzy live, and she's very, apart from being very funny, which obviously is pretty essential for a comic, the audience kind of loves you, if you know what I mean. It's a special gift, isn't it? Thank you very much.

You know what I mean? There's love in the room and i like that so um yes what was i going to say next i'll tell you what i was going to say next it's about child and ambition isn't it partly yeah it is it's about what i wanted to be when i was a kid versus what i've ended up being um it's not that because we had a phone in about it last week and there was people who wanted to be like i wanted to be a cowboy and a bloke found friend who wanted to be a beaver when he was a kid a beaver yeah yeah gareth wanted to be a preacher emily wanted to be a professor of sweeties you know obviously a very common one so what what was what was you i wanted to be a princess or an albino

um but i'm not inherently racist the albino thing was because i wanted to dye my hair all the colors of the rainbow but not have to bleach it first go out of condition yeah the perk of being an albino yes exactly yeah absolutely that's gonna say the lighter side of being an albino but you can't get much light what that's that's a great um but can one become an albino no i don't think so i was really angry with my mum for ages can one become an albino? No, I don't think so. I was really angry with my mum for ages that I wasn't an albino. You know, in that way that when you were a kid, you sort of go, I could have been anything, but I came out as a girl. How boring.

You know, you think there's endless options. Yeah, I used to shout that a lot. But, you know, I could have been anything. Why aren't I an albino? It must be difficult for a parent. They must, you know, sit around thinking, can I do anything now? I know, it must be awful. But I asked some of my mates what they wanted to be.

One of my mates wanted to be a tramp because she thought it was to do with trampolining. I just love that logic. It's like the beaver thing. Why couldn't I have been a beaver? Why am I a human? Yeah, but surely you'd check out what a tramp was before you went all the way down the career road.

We just had a text and email in i still want to be a beaver oh it's that person oh good yeah sorry i've spoken the past tense thinking that's something that had gone by exactly oh that that's tremendous now i i remember you telling me a story and i'd like you to share this with the public um you when you did your exams at school is that you had um you were under a lot of pressure now we all felt that I think when we did our exams but I've never known anyone who responded quite the way you did

I was walking across a bridge in Matlock Park where I grew up that was probably about 20-25 foot off the river and I felt under immense pressure I've been sympathising with everyone on Britain's Got Talent and one of my mates said i'll give you a quid if you jump off the bridge and it was raining so i thought the water was really deep so i was like all right i'm gonna do it

because that's what i'm like if someone says i'll give you a quid i just go yeah all right i'll do it are you worth knowing carry on um and um so i just climbed up onto the railings and then counted to three and jumped. Oh, my God. I know. But because it was raining, I couldn't see the bottom of the river. Actually, it was incredibly shallow. So I basically landed on the bone of my ankle.

Oh. I know. And I had bright red hair at the time. And it all went in front of my eyes. And I put my head up and I was like, I've gone blind. I can only see red. And I realised it was just my hair. You thought you'd become an albino.

Yeah, yeah. Be careful what you wish for. Finally, my ambition. But then I couldn't walk, because my foot was lodged between two massive rocks, and I had to have my... I'd broken my ankle, so I had to have it in plaster. I couldn't admit what I'd done.

There was a bedstead in there. I feel there should be a bedstead and a bike. Yeah, and a pram. There was nothing. What a very fine river you chose there. That was lucky. A very lonely day. That's horrible.

So how long was that you in plaster for? I was in plaster for six weeks and I couldn't tell my mum what I'd done because I knew she'd think it should just kill me. So I was like, oh, Dave MacDonald pushed me in the duck pond who was just this guy at school but then I got into massive trouble for lying then at the hospital they took me into a room and said was it suicide and i was like well it was a very high bridge you know i was gonna yeah yeah but dave mcdonald is still in care exactly it's traumatized as a violent

child absolutely oh that could have been a terrible story yeah that is it it's it's a it's traumatised. Dismissed as a violent child. Absolutely. Oh, that could have been a terrible story. Yeah. That is, it's got a horrible sadness about it, that thing. I know, but the good thing is that I was going out with a skateboarder at the time called Dave Rogers. There's only lads called Dave in Matlock. He carried me home, well, he pushed me home on his skateboard, so I sat on his skateboard and he pushed me all the way home. I know.

But yeah, I had my leg in plastic with an ambulance have been better though the trouble is with dave so it's only got the lights on it i said get the lights and the siren yeah exactly i'm staying here until you go absolute radio is he sooty still with us uh with her strange tails. She hasn't got any tails. And I'd like to say you called her the hairless angel, and she has got hair. She has got hair, yeah. People are going to be turning up to see her.

Oh, yeah. She's got hair in all the right places. I never thought of that, actually. It wasn't very observational of me. So, so are the theatre tonight, and you're also playing the Wimbledon Theatre soon. Yeah, I'm playing the Wimbledon Theatre on the 30th of June with my friend Gavin Osborne who does shows with Daniel Kitson live shows and he's brilliant so we've started doing duets together we've got one about me and him

going to bingo but he's P Diddy like me and P Diddy going on a date to bingo basically yeah well I'm looking forward to that yeah it's the Wimbledon Theatre. I think the Wimbledon Theatre is one. I once did a gig there, and the bloke who sort of was like the janitor or whatever said to me, oh, you're in a bit of luck tonight, so we've put you in the Anoushka Hempel room. Really?

And there was a room named after Anoushka Hempel, which if any of you don't know, used to be an actress, and now I think is a hotelier. Yeah, she's a designer and hotelier. The only difference between it and the others was it had a pink satin curtain around the sink which covered the pipes underneath

of that. Because Anoushka, she's not into plumbing. So look out for that. She's probably never even been in that room but they've put the curtain up anyway. I think I've got the right theatre I think. If you don't get the Anoushka, I should take it as a personal slight. Don't let Gavin have it.

I'm going to ask for that now. I'm going to ask. So when you work on Peep Show, you don't write Peep Show, you just act on it. That must be lovely, isn't it? Because whenever I've done things when I've just had to do other people's work,

it just seems easy. Yeah, it takes the pressure off, doesn't it? Because you're not doing everything yourself. And it's such a laugh, it really is. Because a lot of the crew have worked on it since the beginning so everyone knows each other really well and David and Rob are very nice, they were in it

my mum wants me to get together with David Mitchell but yeah she's vying for it actually but he's a nice bloke, he's not a looker is he? I think that would be quite nice do you? Yeah well maybe I'll write a song about David Mitchell for you. Will you teach me?

Then we can... Oh, David Mitchell, you look a bit like one of those baby birds that used to fall out of nests. How much would you charge me to write for you to write that? Well, my usual rate is about 20 grand. Is it? I've got to be straight with you. Would you drop it for me?

I'd drop anything for you. Could I give you a courgette? Well, easy. Can I remind you that it's only 9.40 now? I wasn't even, I just meant to respond. I know you weren't. I never even went down that road. Not for one second.

Well, I went down that road, but... You know, I can't stop thinking about the fact that Britain... It's terrible. The FA Cup file is on today. That's even entered my thoughts. The what? Exactly. The FA Cup file has paled into comparison. It'd be good if they could combine the two in some way, wouldn't it?

Like, the ones who went out first in Britain's Got Talent had to play in the FA Cup final today. Well, there'll be tears, of course. I mean, you know when teams get relegated? the ones who went out first in Britain's Got Talent had to play in the FA Cup final today? Well, there'll be tears, of course. I mean, you know when teams get relegated? I know my football team got relegated, so I can speak lightheartedly about this. And they cut to fans in the crowd crying.

I often think they're doing a bit of a Holly Steele. Can we start again? Yeah, I think exactly. Can we start the season again? But if you look at them, I think they often know they're on camera and they think, oh, I look really gutted and dramatic. They're not as phony as her, though. Oh, no.

Poor Holly. I've not even seen this and I feel so sorry for her. Yeah, well, thank you. Yeah, you wait till you see it, Izzy. Really? Yeah, it'll be another story then. Anyway, Izzy, it's been beautiful speaking to you. Lovely to see you.

Good luck with the show tonight. Thank you. And give my love to everyone luck with the show tonight. Thank you. And give my love to everyone at Peep Show. I will do. Especially baby bird, David Mitchell. Absolute radio. Yeah, so I'm flying off to Greece is what I'm going to do. I've never been to Greece before.

Oh, you'll like it. My only real experience of it is Steph Ross-Flatt. Hang around, because they're coming in. They can tell you. They can give you some tips. Yeah, you'll like it. My only real experience of it is Steph Ross-Flatt. Hang around, because they're coming in. They can tell you. They can give you some tips. Yeah, good. And I want to see them, but I don't want to press them for information.

And Gareth is also going to be off. Yes, I'm going to be away. And you've got a very special reason. I mean, mine's just a holiday, but what is yours, Gareth? I'm having a baby. Well, my wife is yours, Gareth? I'm having a baby. Well, my wife is having a baby. So I'm taking a holiday into parenthood. Well, are you going away or...

You're going away for a couple of weeks. Come back, the mess will be cleared up, everything will be sorted. You're going away with the lads. It'll have been wiped and put in clothes and everything will have been lovely. So when does that happen? Well, she's due on the 5th of june but i think they're late sometimes first ones which i think is you know a very bad start i'm so excited it's like an absolute baby can we bring it in and have it in the studio sometimes oh i think so yeah okay do you think i'd like the idea of the absolute baby yeah the absolute baby sounds like it's been carefully genetically designed.

That's what worries me about it. The absolute baby. Its first words are elbow. I think Britain's Got Talent has blinded us to the negative point of exploiting children. And we're running into this. I'll tell you who I'm going to miss most tonight. The man who claims that he sings like a saxophone.

Now if people are tuning in and they think, oh god, they've got a saxophone in the studio. Trust me, they won't think that, Frank. Yeah, I like that. So that means I'm going to be on my own. You're not going to be on your own, are you? We've got some fantastic people in with you. Dave Gorman, the very brilliant Yeah, I like that. So that means I'm going to be on my own. You're not going to be on your own, are you? We would not. You've got some fantastic people in with you.

Dave Gorman, the very brilliant Dave Gorman, will be sitting in my chair. He'll be in Dad's chair. And in my chair, we're going to have Jimmy McGee. Well, Jimmy McGee is a very funny comic. He is. But he's going to be like a supply teacher. What about if I play up to them?

Well, you'll be the one. You'll be saying stuff like, oh, yeah, the tea. You get you get the tea over there you'll be like you know when people are really familiar with the place and they show off a bit and when you got come back i'll go oh it was so funny oh no sorry it was when dave and jimmy were here yes i got all that to look forward to so how long are you away for how long does it take to have a baby i think i'm away three weeks. Well, I'll miss you all, can I just say that? But we'll be back for ages after, because we've decided we're going to stay at Absolute Radio, because we like it so much.

What a laugh we have on this show. So those of you who've listened to us for the first three months as a team, thank you very much, and we'll all be back soon. Next week, Dave Gorman, Jimmy McGee and Emily will be here. How exciting is that jill russell will be up in a minute this is franz ferdinand frank skinner on absolute radio with swiftcover.com for car insurance prices that'll blow you away