The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Janeane Garofalo

Episode Date: August 16, 2009

This week Frank, Emily and Gareth are live from the Edinburgh Festival and are joined in the studio by Hollywood's very funny Janeane Garofalo.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner, live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio. Ah, yes. This is the Frank Skinner podcast, our absolute radio thingy.

And we're actually live in Edinburgh this week. I'm with Emily and Gareth as always. It's great, isn't it? Fantastic. I love it. It's brilliant you could get hold of those pipers in the studio. Yeah, I was quite pleased about that. They weren't cheap, are they? No, no.

I do like that I'm doing a sort of impromptu lap dance to the music. Yeah, which is not that usual, is it, for pipe music? Yeah, so we're in, and this week's show, though I say it as shouldn't, was very good, I thought. We had Janine Garofalo. The Garofalo. Yeah, we had the Garofalo on, and we didn't have the Garofalo. The Garofalo. Yeah. We had the Garofalo on,

and we didn't have the Garofalo on. That would have been fantastic. Janine was lovely, though. I loved her. Yeah, she was very, very funny. And you might know her from the Larry Sanders show and loads of other stuff. Oh, she was on the West Wing,

and I was really excited about that because I'm watching the box set of the West Wing at the moment, except I haven't watched it far enough up to when she's on it. Yeah. So it wouldn't have been appropriate to mention. Probably just as well you didn't bring up that. I think your one question for today was, I've just watched the show that I haven't seen you in yet.

Yeah, that would have been like when we talked about Day of the Triffids every week and Emily was never in it. Oh, shut up. Yeah, having told me she was the star for years. was never in it. Oh, shut up. Yeah, having told me she was a star for years. That's like when David Baddiel told me he was a classical piano grade nine or something.

And then we had a woman on the show who said, and he backed down because she could play, and he said, actually, I never got that high up. I couldn't believe he'd lied to me. Still, this has nothing to do with the show. It's a good show anyway, I think. But I'm hardly going to come on and say, don't listen to this, it's rubbish,

because we're already number 178 in the podcast charts. I don't want to shoot myself. I haven't got any other foot, foot, feet to shoot myself in. Foot, foot, foot, feet. And now I've fluffed, and that sound unprofessional, you've probably turned off already. So, unless you two have got anything to add... No.

I knew it. Let's have the... Let's listen to the damn podcast. This is Frank Skinner live from the Edinburgh Festival on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and... Oh, I could hear myself breathing then on the headphones.

That's good news. I'm here with Emily and Gareth and we are live from Edinburgh. Yes. There's a big festival going on so we thought we'd come up here. And some of us are working. I'm doing a show and Gareth's doing two shows. Yeah. And Emily's swanning around. I'm so swanning. I'm throwing myself into it though. Yeah, so I've heard, yeah. So let's begin at the beginning. It's a very good place to start. I did a gig last night called the Credit Crunch Cabaret,

and after the show... Well, where the show works is I host the show, and then we have various acts that come on, and Gareth was on. Gareth was on first. Oh, yeah, I came to see it. You were both great. Yeah, it was great fun. Yes, and Gareth went very well, got big laughs. And then there was somebody who I

completely, I had to do an introduction, and they said, there were Brazilians, right, these guys. So, they told me how to say the name, and they were from, I think it was Gaboera. So the title was Boys from Brazil,

the Knights of Gaboera. I mean, that's a bit of a mouthful, Boys from Brazil, The Knights of Gabuera. I mean, that's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it, for an intro. So I was thinking, right, Knights of Gabuera. But by then, I'd done 20 jokes, watched Gareth have an argument with someone in the audience. And when it came to it, I said, The Knights of Cappadocia, which is a small town east of Istanbul.

So people must have thought, oh, this is great. They'll have those turny-up slippers on and gold spangly turbans, and it'll be something marvellous. But then all these guys came on in football shoes, but they didn't seem to mind. But anyway, that was all wonderful. And then I understand things went on that I was still working. Our much beloved Emily left the building. And then what happened?

I did. Well, can we just establish they were quite ripped, weren't they, those guys? They were hunky men. They were amazing. They were wearing tracksuit bottoms that left nothing to the imagination. I've never seen that. Nothing to the imagination. I've never seen... Nothing to the imagination. No, nothing.

Nothing. Absolutely. And they took their shirts off. Does that mean that creative art will stop because of those tracksuits? Because now nothing is left to the imagination. No plays, no films, no poetry. What's happened to these terrible... These tracksuit bottoms, they've destroyed culture!

Anyway, um... They look like their abs had been painted on by a make-up artist. Their abs had been painted on. I saw that going on backstage. Oh, don't ruin the magic. I should point out the fact that one of them came backstage during the act. Because I couldn't see the act, because there's no wings at the... Oh, you missed the tree. Yeah, so I just had a sense of...

I could smell perspiration and hear people going, Woo! That was me. Yes. So one of them came out and said, Common stand on the stage. So I thought, well, I just did it. They had that kind of dominant manner about them.

And so I went and stood on the stage. There was two young children on the stage as well. And we had to stand in a huddle in the middle, very, very close, with our heads held together. And then one of these Brazilian guys jumped over the top of us. Well, I'm five, nine and a half. It was no mean feat. But I've been scratching my head ever since. And I think if you get very close to small children in the head area you know you are you're playing with fire on the knit front i think they've given you news i think i've actually got

knits tv funny man well actually funny man in knits scandal radio funny man shall we call it now anyway what happened anyway so i ran into them in the lobby. They were leaving the venue. Of course, you don't get nits with Brazilians. I could have got something else, though. And I ran into them. And all I did, I went up to them and I just said, I thought you were brilliant. Next thing I know, they're bundling me into their tour bus. I couldn't believe it.

Yes, I bet they were. Who was bundling? And the manager who I looked to, I thought, oh, he's nice. He looked like a safe, nice, honest man who'd help me. He went, come on, just get in. He was trying to get me in as well. Really? Yeah.

But I mean in a nice way. Oh, in a very nice way, not in a horrible way. Let's make, we don't want the police around their house as we speak. They were nice, Brazilians. They were lovely. They were so friendly, Frank. Absolute. Radio.

So did you roll with it, Em? Are you referring to the Brazilian dancers? I am. How many were there? Let's paint a word picture for our beloved listeners. Oh, loads. There were about eight, would you say, Gareth? Yeah. And they were doing capoeira, which is where you all kind of kick over each other. Cappadocia, you mean. Cappadocia, that's right. Yes, it's a sort of a martial art dance yeah isn't it it's amazing

they did loads of flips yes they do loads of over and over and over and over and over it's incredible yes you see what you missed out on him well so what happened so after i'd seen them because um i didn't realize that if you live in brazil apparently i enjoyed the gig very much means come back to mine for sexy time. That's apparently what it means. That means the same on the comedy circuit. Interesting, isn't it, language? Oh, you learn something new. So I don't want to disappoint you, Frank, but I didn't go back with them.

I made my excuses and left like a News of the World reporter just because I wanted to go back with them, but I was worried that I'd be judged. I thought people would think I was cheap. Oh, no, I would have thought that. I thought you were going to come in today in one of those carnival outfits with that bear. Anyway.

I would have had fun with them. I think, yeah, well, they seem like very nice gentlemen. Oh, they seem lovely. With their painted-on abs. Let's try that. Perhaps I could paint on some abs and paint out some wrinkles. Anyway, did you see the Brazilians, Gareth? I saw from the side of the stage.

They took their shirts off at the end for absolutely no reason. They'd finished everything. For abs. For abs. Absolutely no reason. I think that's what... If you go to Bardi's like that, you're going to take your shirt off all the time. It's like these workmen that sit around, you know.

And they take their shirts off. They think, oh, I've got to climb this four-step ladder you're going to take your shirt off all the time. It's like these workmen that sit around, you know. They take their shirts off. They think, oh, I've got to climb this four-step ladder. I'd better take my shirt off. Yeah. Well, I would have taken the shirt off at the end of my gig if I'd have known that that's what was done. Well, the next time you're on, I will take your shirt off at the end of the gig, whether you like it or not, without removing your jacket, can I point that out, which is a great thing. So you're all settled in anyway.

You arrived on friday yeah and i'm sharing a flat um with daisy and emma who work on the show do they which ones are they um so that's all nice it's kind of like sugar babes the movie so it's three girls in a flat it's like sugar baby's the movie, but I'm the elderly dance instructor. And everything's going fine, except we've had a bit of an incident over room allocation. Okay. Yeah. It all went a bit... Well, go on. Well, I had a bit of a showbiz hissy fit, because I didn't get... You don't say. I can barely imagine that. Well, guys, what do you think? There were three rooms. One's all nice. Ambassador, you're spoiling us. One's a bit nibbling. Wouldn't mind taking the Brazilians back there.

It's not embarrassing. Yeah, but there's nothing valuable that could be broken by a sudden leap. Is that what you're saying? One is kind of, you know, where... You could entertain the Brazilians with gusto. Yeah, I could. You know where Sid Vicious and Nancy Sparks... I think gusto actually plays for Brazilian night.

Sorry, I will stop interrupting you in a minute. I'm telling you about the third room. OK. Which is, I compared it to where Sid Vicious and Nancy Sponge spent their final days. Sort of that level of depressing. So the girls said, well, there are three bedrooms. Guess which one they allocated for me.

Well, that can't be right. What with you being a presenter and all that. Well, exactly. But they did tell me that they thought we should have a rotation system. So, yeah. Democracy gone crazy. It's terrible. I blame the MP's expensive scum.

It's brought that the velvet rope has been torn down. And now it's just, it's a free for all. I ended up saying, so I got a bit cross and I went, it's fine, it's fine, no problem, we'll I ended up saying, so I got a bit cross and I went, it's fine, it's fine, no problem. We'll do that rotation thing. I don't have a problem with it. I've just got a show to do, that's all. Brilliant. And did you win? No, I'd like to apologise to my lovely

girls and flatmates because I was horrid and I deserve a good slapping. But, you know, we're working with a big star here. Any of you don't know that that was the theme from Day of the Triffids, which Emily was in as a small girl. And she's still using that to get the best room in that house. Can you believe that?

I was in Day of the Triffids, you know. I didn't have to put up with this sort of thing then. Absolute radio. I read a very to put up with this sort of thing then. Absolute. Radio. I read a very funny thing in the paper this week. A woman journalist, I wish I could remember her name because she deserves a credit for this, but she was talking about the marriage between Amy Winehouse

and Blake Civil Service, Slipfielder, whatever his name is. And she said things got so bad towards the end they were sleeping in separate gutters. I thought, oh, God, I wish I'd written that. That was marvelous. So if you're listening, I'm sorry I don't even know, but it's a brilliant joke, I thought. Yeah, so how's your gigs?

How are they going, Gareth? Yeah, really good. I'm doing a couple of gigs. I'm doing the Comedy Zone, which is, that's a late-to-night night gig so it's like a proper comedy club something really weird happened to that i go on at the end i got right to my last section so i mentioned that i've just had a baby boy on the 11th of june and in case you don't know by the way gareth is a stand-up comedian if you haven't heard this show before i'm thinking what what does he do that's what yeah and um and i said i've just had a little boy and everyone goes ah and then one person shouted poor kid which is bad because

it's a heckle but it came from one of the bar staff who are actually behind the bar right and i kind of went oh that's good heckling from the bar staff who work here and then an audience member said yeah used to and um and it was okay because it was all part of the show yeah but it's not really done the the it's a bit poor if the people working there are heckling the acts i told you i blame i blame the mps and i was okay but one of the other acts thought oh that's an outrage so he um texted the person who's producing our show and that person has been fired.

Yeah, it's all very well you blamed it on the other act. The truth is, Gav, you went off stage and said, I have never... Oh, that person... I will not tolerate... your fire! That's what happened. It might have been you. Oh, and I dread that I'm going to see her

like in an alleyway with a dog on a string and a baby in her arms and she's going to go, it was all you. I didn't get her fired. It wasn't me. Okay. Frank, you have created...

What's he got a baby on a string? You've created two monsters here. I have not. I've got one who won't go in the nasty room. One who you're not allowed to heckle. It really is. It is Dr. Frank Skinstein's laboratory. Well, I'm...

And here's me getting ever more humble with every day. Yeah, she's alive. It's so life-fun. It's almost like the ego is draining out of me. Like I'm sitting here with two leads going from my wrists with my ego disappearing into you two and off you go to terrorise the bar staff and people who work on the show of the world.

Yeah, my other show. He's on a roll. Don't stop him, don't stop him. I need this job. My other show. He's on a roll. Don't stop him. Don't stop him. I need this job. My other show is called Packer Richards, and it's a free show. It's part of the Free Fringe, which is basically,

it's really expensive to come to Edinburgh, and the Free Fringe does loads of venues where acts can put on a show for nothing, basically. You just pay to be in the big Fringe programme, and you take a collection at the end. Oh, I came to see those. Yeah, Emily came yesterday. So you pass a bucket be in the big fringe programme and you take a collection at the end. Oh, I came to see those. Yeah, Emily came yesterday. So you pass a bucket round at the end.

Yeah, we pass a bucket round. Emily comes up with a £50 note saying, who got me chain? It's getting worse. I've only got red ones. I know. So what kind of... How many people would you get in for one of those free shows?

Well, I think our room holds about 70 people. It must be very exciting, because you and your mate doing the show. It must be exciting to get the bucket after and see what's in it. Yeah, yeah. And what's a good night? What's a good bucket night? I counted it up for them yesterday. Yeah, we had our best.

Yeah. I hope you wash your hands after. I mean, with the current pandemic, you were absolutely playing with fire. That's like putting your head down a drain, bacteria-wise. I keep it real. I can be a cashier. Yeah, OK. Did you wear one of those little dimpled thimbles that they wear in the post office for cash? That's very impressive, that.

So what's a good night, then? Oh, there was 90 quid in the bucket yesterday. 90 quid? 70? I don't think that's... That's like over a quid each. Not Oh, there was 90 quid in the bucket yesterday. 90 quid, 70, I think that's, yeah. That's like over a quid each. Not bad. A couple of fivers in there. Yeah.

The truth is, I was expecting you to say about 250. And now I'm having to respond as if I'm impressed, but in fact I'm thinking, oh, God, I don't think I'd... Oh, no, I feel... It's got very awkward. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. And we've had some texts.

If you want to text us, by the way, about anything, you can get us on 8-12-15. And it'd be nice to hear from you, because sometimes I sit here thinking we're in a three-person vacuum and no-one is listening in the whole world. I don't mind that, terribly but um it's nice to think that there's people out there i do mind because my ego's way out of control well that's to say mine is gone now so i don't i'm happy just to be here but no that's true so have we had we've

got some texts over yeah um someone wrote in and said hey frank and team i say someone it's hamish trip and he says can you ask gareth if he was in the car park? Aren't we on a Hamish trip? Can you ask Gareth if he was in the car park next to the tattoo? I presume that's, is that the Edinburgh tattoo? Yes. Complaining about getting toothpaste on his crotch. It was either him or someone with the exact same tone of voice.

It was a student student in other words were you on it on the tattooed car park no no that wasn't me that wasn't you no oh i'm glad i read that out well i don't know i like the fact that um someone i think that's what happens when you're on radio you get recognized by your voice because obviously people don't know um they don't know what we look like they have a vague memory what i look like but um i um i fell into an acid bath two weeks ago so what you think i look like might not be that was a silly axe it's my own fault i still you know it's a wet floor and i knew that um so uh yeah what else have we had i don't know why I had that acid bath in the air so I've been cleaning some old coins in it

this is a call back to something we did a while ago where we did celebrity swears so where you use a celebrity's name in conversation to either as like a curse word or like... And this is Nicola Appleton.

Not Nicola Appleton. That would be exciting. Oh, yeah. That would be brilliant. Well, it might be her. Except she's changed her first name to Nicola. Seems unlikely. Well, she doesn't want us to know who it is.

I see. She's a rascal. She's got some celebrity things that she uses celebrities' names for. In my family, if you pick something up that makes you buckle at the knees a bit, we say, oof, balesteros, as in, it's a bit seve. No, not it's a bit seve, you can't say that. It's seve. It's seve. Seve, you just say that. It's seve. No, you don't even know the it's actually, do you? Seve. We should have rehearsed this more, shouldn't we? Whoa, Seve.

That's what it is. Whoa, Seve. Yeah? It's good. Yeah. Good. Yeah. I mean, you killed it, but people can deconstruct that.

They'll find they're joking. They just need to clean it up a bit. If you need an acid bath, there's one at my house. Carry on. If you need to find out the length of something, we say, pass me the John, as in John LeMessurier. Well, I think they pronounce it how you pronounce it, like John LeMessurier. Yeah. We had a debate about it. I say John LeMessurier, right? Oh, do you? Wasn't it you who said John LeMessurier? Oh, yeah, that's right. You forgot how you say it.

I've lost all meaning what's happening to gareth i don't know okay well i like that let's pass me the john then for pass me the measurer yeah okay well thank god i don't really get this one should i read the last one no not if you don't get it because i feel your heart won't be in it but well done nicola i like very much like savvy i like that oh bal. That's very good. Oh, Balaceros. Brilliant. I thought of one last night, Frank. Go on.

Well, I was out with Emma, the producer, and we were looking for a taxi, and we couldn't find it. She said, is there a taxi rank? I said, what, the Shabba? Let's go and find the Shabba. Very good. Shabba ranks.

Shabba ranks, for those of you who don't. Me and David Badilman used to write football jokes for fantasy football. He used to say it's Vince Hilarious because there was a Crystal Palace player called Vince Hilaire. We were very happy. If you've got any of these we have done this before but we don't care

because we like them so much. I'm going to start using Ballesteros every time I pick my wallet up. So I went to see the first... The football season actually started last week. Some of you might think it started this week, according to the papers, but it started last week.

So I went up to West Brom to see them play Newcastle. Oh, yeah, I saw you on telly. Yeah, me and Adrian Charles did a sort of half-time pitch side interview. You were both adorable. How did that happen? I don't know. But anyway, Lee Dixon was there. You know Lee Dixon, the former Arsenal defender?

Yeah. Arsenal England defender, to be fair to him. He was there. So Adrian was driving. So the three of us went back together. And we were just chatting away about all sorts of stuff. And I said that I thought, generally speaking, comedians were more intelligent than footballers. I naturally assumed that everyone would accept this

as, you know, an obvious thing, not even worth saying. But Lee said, no, no, I'm not having that. That's not right. So I said, oh, come on, Lee. I said, I think you're a very bright bloke. You know, you're quite exceptional. That's why you're on the telly, you know, as a footballer. I said, I think you're a very bright bloke. You know, you're quite exceptional. That's why you're on the telly, you know, as a footballer.

But most comics, or every comic I've met, you know, I've met a lot of politicians, like prime ministers and all sorts. None of them are as intelligent as the ordinary club comics I make. There's something about comics. Even Jim Davidson or someone? Jim Davidson, I would say he's up there with Professor Stephen Watson. Jim Davidson, I would say he's up there with Professor Stephen Hawking. I was once at a hotel in France,

and Jim Davidson happened to be staying there, right, with this very attractive and box and blonde woman. It was very nice also. And I'd never met Jim Davidson, but, you know, when celebrities are in a room and they see each other, you feel that you have to... It's like if you drive an old-style Volkswagen Beetle and you pass another one in the street, you have to give the nod. So we went over, and I spent the night chatting with Jim Davidson. He didn't say anything horrible or offensive.

Oh. He was talking about getting married, and he said, oh, it's great. This woman said, why do you marry them all, Jim? You've been married four times. And he said, well, it's a nice day out. All the girls have a bath. I thought he was very entertaining. Anyway, we're not talking about Jim Davis. We're talking about...

Your row with Lee Dixon. I'm not calling it a row. Anyway. So Lee Dixon says, no, no, footballers are very intelligent. This was his example, right? To win... He obviously delivered this.ixon says, no, no, footballers are very intelligent. He says, you tell, this was his example, right, of, to win, he obviously delivered this as, yeah, get out of this, you know, and this is coup de grace to prove that footballers are more intelligent. He said, we invented a game at Arsenal which is now played by footballers right across the country. And I thought, well, that's fair enough. It's going to be something like... Football? Is it football? It's not football. No. I thought it was going to be something like chess, you know, or go, one of those kind of games.

I would have settled for buckaroo. But no, you see, what it is, we play keepy-uppy, and if you're the one who messes up, you know, messes up the keepy-uppy, because kicking it to each other, if you do it four times, you have to kneel while the others, and when you can't stop them, flick you really, really hard on the ear. Oh, actually. This was Lee establishing that the intelligence of footballers should not be taken lightly.

So there was a silence in the car, and then he said, actually, maybe you're right. Which I thought was really very nice of him. Absolute. Radio. I was very happy to be in Edinburgh, I must say, because my cleaners just had two weeks off. Right.

Now, I know there's people at home thinking, who do you think you are? But once you've got used to a cleaner, because when I first had a cleaner, I'll be honest, I felt so ashamed that I had a cleaner. I used to help her around the house. And she turned to me one day and said, it's better if you don't help.

Is it Rachel Van Helsing? Yes, it is. So I was helping her to drive a wooden stake. So I stopped helping, and now I'm completely and my girlfriend kathy keeps saying to me i don't know why you've got a cleaner because we don't i can do it you know and then uh the cleaner i was two weeks off three days in kathy's already saying i can't cope and then her mom came around and honestly kath said this can you believe she said to her mom mom you you you really like ironing, don't you?

Oh, Kat. I mean, it's not right. But I wouldn't let her mum do the ironing. So basically, when we left the flat to come here, we could hardly get the door shut on the flat. It was rubbish spilling out the door. Well, they're ecosystems. Yeah, so I'm very, very glad to get away.

But I was going to say hello to Dorota, but obviously she's in Poland. Mine's in Bulgaria. Mine's Bulgarian. She's Bulgarian. She's like a womble. And she's carrying on that wombling tradition. Does she take your rubbish and then turn it into new stuff? As you can imagine, I'm very easy to work for. Well, I got this thing when I had a cleaner.

I just thought, you know, if you've got a cleaner, that's great. You know, I can drop something on a Monday on the floor and think, well, the cleaner comes thirsty. That's fine. You know, she said to me, I love that rug you've got in there, you know, that green furry rug. I said, no, that's a pizza I dropped the weekend. That's what it's like.

I mean, you know, I don't pay dogs to bark myself. By the way, we've got Janine Garofalo on the show today, who is obviously a quite well-known American comic, and very funny. She's doing a show at Edinburgh at the moment. Yeah, I went to see it last night. It will save that. Oh, OK.

No good praising it up, and then she's not here not to hear it. OK. But anyway, Janine will be on after the news. And the producer has just held up a piece of paper to me that says, New Sensation. And I'm glad to hear that. I mean, you could have told me that during the news. But, you know, it's always good, isn't it?

I'm a little bit embarrassed. I guess I'll get over it. France Skinner, live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio. Janine Garofalo is in the house. Janine, it's lovely to have you on. Thank you very much. Thank you.

If you were expecting a bigger greeting, then we've never really worked out. We've been doing this show for months. We haven't worked out how to really greet guests. Because we thought going, Whee! No, you did a nice job. We shook hands earlier.

It was very civilized. That's how we like it. Yeah, it's classy. We brought our genteel Englishness up to Edinburgh. Yeah, so it's good. It's nice to go into a room early in the morning with lots of people in it. Yeah, I always think that.

Do you like that? Well, Emily almost went home with a Brazilian dance troupe last night. Oh, I heard about that. It's the talk of Edinburgh. Yeah, it's part of Sky News this morning, and then there was an editorial about it in the Scotsman. Before I got here. Why they used the picture of Pele.

Is that all they've got? So, Janine, you're... I'm sorry, I didn't get to your show last night, but I have the best excuse. I was doing a show. Right, the credit crunch. That's right, yeah. It's all right, you don't have to plug my show, I have to plug yours. No, I've heard good things. Oh, that's fabulous.

They didn't come from me, because I'm one of these acts who comes off and thinks, oh, no. No, again, it wasn't the Scotsman. There was a headline. Not that thing. What picture did they use for that? Payless. Is that all they've got? Yeah, that's the only one they've got. God, the recession.

It's killing picture desk at The Scotsman. So, you've been up in Edinburgh since the off. Is that a week you've been doing? I've been here for two and a half weeks. Oh, wow. When I leave tomorrow. Oh, you leave tomorrow. So, we for two and a half weeks. Oh, wow. And I leave tomorrow. Oh, you leave tomorrow. I know. So we're like ships in the night.

Yes, just passing briefly. I would like to have been here longer, but I have some other shows in the States that I had already booked prior to booking this. But I hope to come back if they'll have me. I'm sure they will. And stay longer. Have you had a wonderful time?

So far so good. The weather until yesterday, fantastic. And the city is beautiful and I enjoy the architecture and the aesthetics generally. Fabulous. None of the English comics say things like that. What do they say? They say, man, I got so drunk last night and I met these Brazilian dancers. That's the story.

We don't get architecture anecdotes. Well, if we could build a time machine i could tell you about drinking unfortunately the privilege has been taken away well hey tell me about it but let's talk about we haven't had a flying buttress on this anecdote on this anecdote on this show for years a flying buttress it's it's an architecture yeah exactly yeah thank god you helped me out you've You supplied a footnote, Janine. Yeah, I was going to say, where did the, I hadn't mentioned any flying buttresses, but we could get into it.

Yeah. It was almost flying buttresses at the Brazilians' house. Again with the Brazilians. Yeah. Let it go. Let it go. I'm kidding. I've got festival in there in my blood.

That's the only Brazilian music we have we have to hand well i saw some of the chippendales last night did you yes i did what were they like they're a bit creepy aren't they well i don't know if i want to say creepy they could be they're very exactly they like to get up early um get a lot done in a day those dancers but uh no we share a common space because we're both in the debate hall in the guild of balloon uh so my show is from 8 30 9 30 there 9 30 to 10 30 so i've had a chance to talk to some of them in between very nice young gentlemen very nice uh hairless right utterly hairless wow yeah i don't know if they're waxing or shaving but they must be doing one fantastic they're buffed to a high shine it's like marble

wow how many chip and dales are there hundreds all right you've never actually counted i have not done a head count actually there's only like it seems to be about eight in this show i think in the fringe show they still wear that no shirt but with a tie and the dickie bath for some but yeah with the fake cuffs. Yeah, I love that. No sleeves. I love that. Yeah, they have that. Then there's some showering that goes on.

Then there's some welding. Then there's sledgehammers. There's a faux construction site. Yeah, all manner of contexts that you can see these gentlemen in various states of dress and address. Janina, I think you just planned tonight's night out for me.

I'm going to see these. They sound great. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. That was The Fall with F. Old In Money. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

That's the best band in the world, Janine. I'd say they're right up there. You know who I am in love with? Elbow. Oh, really? I'm a big Elbow fan. I think this is the first week we haven't played Elbow on the show. How dare you?

I know. How could you? Oh, I'm sorry. I feel we've let you down in a big way. I've got to go. Oh, no. Janika! Come back! Oh, no.

All right, I will. All right, I'll... So you're going back to America... I say America. It is, but that's fine. As precise as I get. No, that's fine. That's what it is. You're going back to some shows, but you are coming back to uh america i say america it is that's fine as i get no that's fine that's what it is you're going there to do some shows but you are coming back to um not to scotland but to london right i'm at the bloomsbury theater for two shows on september 25th i believe with a comedian named al madrigal who's a very funny guy right and uh and we got some shows in dublin after that too

but i don't know the name of the theater but But if you, there aren't many in Dublin. It's the Dublin Theatre. That's it. On Dublin Street. You know that. At Dublin O'Clock. I know, it's a green building, isn't it? Very, very small. And you mean ecologically sound. You don't mean green as in colour. I mean both those things.

A light carbon footprint as a building. Oh, it's like a sparrow's footprint on snow. Well, that's why I'm working there. I won't work at a heavy footprinted building. Well, it's like a it's like a sparrow's footprint on snow. That's why I'm working there. I won't work at a heavy footprint. Well, good for you and your ecological stance. So, Emily, we sent out our show reporter last night. Emily went to your show. And can I say this before Emily says it, that what she's about to say, I'm presuming is true because she said this when you weren't here as well, if you know what I mean. So she didn't come in and say, oh, no, it was a nightmare. But I'm going to gonna say it was great she came in and said thank god it

was great oh i know thank god i was so relieved because i knew you were coming on it was brilliant i really enjoyed it yeah you'd have to be very diplomatic if you hadn't hadn't liked it but i would know if you were being diplomatic you might say something about the ambience in the room or the temperature in the room anything other than the content of the show yeah i loved it i really recommend it so everyone should go see it. Thank you. As we were discussing, I actually feel like I failed a little bit last night. Did you? Why?

I just felt, just one of those innate feelings where I just, it didn't seem like I was quite connecting with the audience. But do you mean comedy? I felt like that about last night. Isn't that what comedy is about? It's remembering the one joke that didn't work and forgetting the three ones that did one if only it was one okay and i'm not really you have a list with you i'm not really a joke writer per se okay much of the chagrin of segments of the

audience but i i i'm more of a i don't know how to describe it but it's not like i have short economical jokes that really grab you right right off the bat and and in fact i'm i'm fairly tangential and and wandering and i often forget what i'm gonna say i think it's like sitting i felt like i was sitting with a really hilarious friend you are too kind you better come with me to bloomsbury theater in london and to the dublin theater on dublin street i should say Janine, if there's one thing Emily hates, it's sitting with a really hilarious friend. Oh, so that was not a compliment.

That's a torture for Emily. Oh, okay. I understand that. But it's been good. The run has been very good. The audiences are very, very, very nice. But it is a long show, and it is very warm in the room. You know, the temperature's very hot. So it's a lot to ask of people, especially if, like, my style of stand-up isn't really jokey, per se.

So it's a lot sometimes to ask, and sometimes when I feel like I'm not connecting, it's going to be a real long hour. You know what I mean? Like, if they're not digging it right off the bat. What do you mean you're being paranoid about this? Oh, no, I'm not. Emily is a tough critic, right off the bat. What do you mean you're being paranoid about this? Emily's a tough critic, believe me. I'm being pragmatic.

I'm not being paranoid. And some nights I would say, yeah, I did a good job. But last night I would say I did a fair. Look, I'm trying to plug your show. We're not unplugging anything. I mean, I only have one left. So if you, you know. Well, look, anyone who can hear you now can tell you're a funny person.

So that will give them, they'll want to go. Yeah, they're laughing at home, they are laughing and laughing and laughing. Yeah, both of them. I don't know what they've told you about our viewing figures. We don't have viewing figures in radio,

that was a sad, people thinking, oh, God, he thinks he's going to You're listening demographics. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, I'm getting lots of notes from my producer today. Everybody wants to rule the world.

If you're having a dig at Janine, just say it out loud. Oh, sorry, it's a record title. Sorry, I just realised. Tears for Fears. That's the one, yeah. I remember running to this music. They did a thing, everybody wants to run the world. They changed it.

And I ran... It's not a good anecdote. But go ahead, finish it now. I'm not even going to finish it. That's the kind of anecdote I'd like to leave in rubble. Well then off the air I demand that you finish that anecdote. But you won't be glad, Janine Garofalo.

You'll say, why did you finish that? And I'll say I warned you. Closure. Absolute radio. Yeah, that was I can't remember. Tears for fears. Oh yeah, thanks very much. Thank God you're here. Everybody wants to rule the world. Yeah. And you had that wonderful anecdote about the T-shirt that they missed,

those that were off air. Yeah. It was fantastic, you guys. I'll blog about it later. Do you blog? I do not. Okay. So you're lying to my listeners.

And I do not Twitter or tweet or any of those things. I don't. No, I don't, actually. Yeah, I don't use a computer. That sounds like a lie, but that's the truth. I don't use a computer. Really? I lie but that's the truth i don't really recently got into myspace that's the level i'm at oh my god that's like 1973 or something 10 000 goth girls as far as i can work out the only people on myspace social networking yeah i used to use a computer but i actually uh shut it down around 2006 and you can white liberating back on you know you can't oh you can turn them back on. Oh, you can?

I pulled the plug out and I thought, that's that. Oh, no, it's all rescuable. Oh, I had no idea. I thought, once you're done, you're done. So do you write everything freehand? I do. I write everything longhand. On like slate? On stone tablets

and with a quill pen. And every night I catch up on my correspondence. I have a small glass of port, take a turn about the grounds, and then I retire for the evening. I awake in the morning feeling bilious and uncharitable. Bad bit of meat. But I do write things longhand. I prefer that. But I've even worked on books before and script doctoring.

I do it all longhand, which is a real problem. They would hate that. Yes, they definitely do. It's a real problem, and I apologize for that. But I can't be a part of the whole cyber world. Also, I live next door to George Bush's daughter. Really? Her brownstone is a butt.

There is like a flying buttress, if you will, to my apartment building. Okay, so you can hear her moving about next door. No, I can't. Have you tried? Yeah, I've tried a glass to the wall. It doesn't work. What a pity.

But when George Bush was president and she was living there, the Secret Service occupied the building right across the street. Now, one assumes they are tapping into everybody's computers and stuff in the area. I'm just assuming that that's the case. So that's part of the reason I shut it down. Oh, really?

But also, once you get involved in the whole email and the cruelty that is online, you know what I mean? There's just so much gossip and disinformation and hit and run cruelty and then the temptation to Google oneself. Oh no, don't do that. I won't do that. That's a heartbreaking activity. Exactly. And so I make sure that that can't happen but also people delight in telling you

bad news about yourself or sending you bad reviews online. Yes, they do. So I don't know why they delight in it but they do. So if you shut it down you can't get the bad news. They often do it in that kind of self-righteous way i thought what they said about you in the guardian was really unfair oh yeah or i hey i liked you with that tone of voice but i i i can't stand it i do shoot the messenger in those cases i actually don't like it i mean i don't literally shoot them i was um that's just a turn of phrase, people. That's okay. That won't be legally binding.

No, no. Not actionable in a court of law. No. That was satire. But I just don't like the bringers of bad news. I don't understand what the point is of telling people about bad reviews or something somebody said about them or anything like that. Well, I used to live with a well-known English comic called David Baddiel. Oh, I know David Baddiel.

I'm one of Banks. There you go banks there you go there you go i said we rehearsed that obviously i said get the name right david no yes because um moana has done loads of work in america yes she was on snl uh i that's where i met her she was briefly on snl on that saturday night live sorry sorry sorry yeah well david um i remember i was living with david on new year's day we got a phone call from his dad that said, do you know that you're number one, three, and five in the Guardian's chart of people we don't want to see in 2000? His dad!

That's what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I'm talking about. And there's one time I was named one of the top 50 most loathsome New Yorkers in a New York paper. Why, I have no idea. And then also I was on the worst dressed list one year. Like three different people picking the worst dressed. I was in the top ten worst dressed.

Now that actually doesn't bother me at all. But what did bother me is how many people couldn't wait to tell me that. Or send me the article and stuff like that. I was third in worst celebrity teeth. That's not true. I'm looking at your teeth right now. That's absolutely true. You're on the other side of the desk.

But besides, I started cleaning after that. It was a kickstart. Who was number one, though? Now we need to know who number one is. Shane McGowan was number one. Well, that's a given. That's sort of a...

That's evergreen. And a guy called... His teeth certainly are evergreen. Or are they deciduous? I can't remember. Anyway, that's all we've got time for with you, Janine, but it was great. Do you mind if I just stay here anyway?

No, it's okay. We can get you a chair. I'll just sit here quietly. I've got this magazine to read, so... So go and see Janine at the Bloomsbury Theatre in London 25th of September and at the Bloomsbury Theatre in London 25th September and at the Dublin Theatre in Dublin Street. Absolute Radio.

I had this idea. I did BBC Breakfast last week. Stop showing off. That's not real. I don't regard that as a big brag. OK. But anyway, I did it. And there was a man on before me who was a very old, he was 80, he was over 80. And he was a ventriloquist.

He'd been a ventriloquist during the Second World War. Oh. I think he did a lot of Churchill speeches. And especially that one. He wrote that. Anyway, it made me think, you know, I always like to, you know, recently I introduced the ukulele into my act and stuff. I think it's always good, you need to evolve as a comic.

Would you agree, Gareth, with that? Oh, yes. Yeah, so I'm thinking I might learn ventriloquism. What? Well, it would work great on this show. I could go into it. Look, couldn't I, Johnny? Yes, you could.

See? Already I feel it's working. I really have a problem with that. What? Because I think you'll use the dummy as a force for evil. You know, like that Anthony Hopkins film, Magic? Yeah. And the dummy starts committing murders.

I'm not saying you'd go that far. No. But I think, I can imagine walking into your flat and you'll be sitting there with a little dummy on your knee and you'll say, someone's been piling on the pounds. Yes. Keep away from the chocolate cake.

You will? Yeah. Well, that'd be all right, wouldn't it? No. Oh, sorry, I thought that would be okay. Well, I once bought a book. It was written by Ray Allen, who did Lord Charles. Do you remember Lord Charles?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He was quite a lascivious sort of... I can't remember who the actress was, but he went, Well, you're a pretty little thing, aren't you? And it was always slightly... He does the slow blink. You know when dummies do the slow blink? It's kind of scary.

But anyway, I bought a book by Ray Allen. And what you had to do, you had to walk around the house all day with your teeth clamped together, going, I'll try and try until I get it right. Right, that's what you have to do. Oh, that looks quite good. Yeah, but I was living with someone at the time, and she said, you're going to have to stop that.

I've started dreaming about it. I think I'd been saying it to her in bed as well i'll try and try until i get it yeah so that's my next thing i'm gonna get i'm gonna get a dummy and all that and see if i can be a ventriloquist oh dear well i'm not a fan of that i have to say i think you can please your ordinary frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio so so if we had some text we had some text sent in on 8 12 15 this morning we have because we asked about what we call celebrity swears which isn't really swearing it's using a celebrity's name to replace another word exactly and we've had chris in a van in south london i wonder if he's with the brazilians um morning frank and team me and the lads say to someone who is racing ahead

or being unexpectedly adventurous easy woods as in tiger woods it's an easy tiger i see i like it easy woods um i thought gareth was going to speak there we all turned to him and he just turned to us you alright Gareth? yes I'm very good I should point out that Gareth has got a little baby so he's not getting that much sleep am I right? no I was woken up before my alarm today

and did it sound a bit like this? so I've got to go I think my baby's crying That actually was Ethan, that's Garrett's baby That's not just some random baby noise that we took from the library You were woken up by him this morning? Yes Yeah, he was up before me He was actually up?

Yeah How old is he? Made me a cup of tea Wow, that's fantastic I used to have a boxer doc that did that He used to get up in the morning, go downstairs, put the kettle on, soft boil an egg, make a cup of tea, do some toast, bring the whole thing up on a tray, put it on the bed and then do a headstand.

We didn't have any egg cups. I've got another text. Dan and Kel on their way to Wales. My wife and I always use stupid sayings for things like Pastor Simon for mayonnaise, as in Simon Mayo. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Pastor Simon and Bernie for something hot, as in Bernie Winters.

Why would that be something hot? For Bernie. Oh, Bernie. Yeah, Bernie Winters. But it's also Winters, though, isn't it? Winters would be cold. Oh, they've got very confusing there in their room. In that amalgam.

In that particular amalgam. So, yeah, so I shouldn't be on MySpace. Is that what we drew from our earlier comments? Yes. Is MySpace now out of... I must admit, I never go on it and answer anything. I've got, like, nine million things in my inbox. I know.

Because I assume no one ever does it anymore. But, um... There was a story about Myspace, wasn't there, Gareth? There was a woman who got sacked because she signed off her boss. Yeah. On there. And she apparently, um, what was it she said? She made a comment about, um, on her thing,

and it said, I have to edit it slightly, it said, OMG, I hate my job. My boss is a totally pervy something, always making me do something stuff just to something me off. Oh, you shouldn't have said that in Emily. Absolute. Radio. I should say, Gareth, it's your birthday

this week, isn't it? Yes, it is. It's not a big birthday. I wouldn't need to hardly mention it. I'm 30. 30 is big. That was when I had my midlife crisis which means i'm probably i'm gonna die when i'm 60 but um yeah when i was there all my friends all got 30 at the same time so obviously i'd known i was in schools that's not such a big shock but we all started like doing sit-ups and stuff like that and one friend of mine bought a pair of pixie boots

do you remember those yeah that was kind of like scrunchie boots he bought a pair of pixie boots. Do you remember those? Yeah. Those kind of scrunchie boots. He bought a pair of them, and he was a bloke who absolutely wore jeans and trainers. So, you know, it changed a lot for me. I split up with a woman I'd been going out with for six years. I stopped drinking. I went back to the Catholic Church. I started doing comedy. Yes.

What are you going to do, Gareth? Well, I don't know. What pixie boots? It's a milestone. Yeah. Yeah, it's quite a big one. Jesus was 30 when he started. He was 33?

When he began his ministry. Yeah. Yeah. 33 when he died. Okay. It's got three years to do whatever I'm going to do. Hurry up. And that's it.

It's been a while since I was 30. I can't. my god it's a bit of a scary moment we've mentioned emily's age tell us about it you're so horrible thanks skinner um what did you do in the war, Emily? Are you about to reveal your age? Now don't do it, because if you do it, you'll just regret it. That was the moment when you had to say it, you didn't say it. No, I think the moment's gone. No, but I don't think I should lie about my age. I think it's daft, because Amanda Redman,

that actress, was in the papers this week, saying that she'd knocked two years off her age, saying that she'd said that she was her age, saying that she was... She'd said that she was 50 and she was actually 52, which, coincidentally enough, is your age, Frank. Yes, but I haven't knocked any years off my age. I once read about Marlene Daytrip, that when she was 79, she used to say she was 76.

What is the point in that? Looking good for 76. Apparently she's 79. Is she? Oh, that's quite old. Anyway, look, that's the end of the show, I'm afraid. Thank God we stopped Emily from revealing her age. It's been lovely being in Edinburgh, hasn't it? Yeah, I'm loving it.

Janine was great and we had a good time. Have a fabulous whatever you're doing this week and we'll see you next Saturday. Good day to you.