The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Jason Byrne

Episode Date: August 24, 2009

Frank is live from Edinburgh and this week he talks about his favourite shows from the fringe, the king of the Edinburgh festival and celebrity moustaches.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner, live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and it's our Absolute Radio podcast. When I say our, I mean

me, Emily and Gareth who are all gathered around me. And we're still up in Edinburgh doing our live shows from Edinburgh. And today's was it was funny, wasn't it? I just had a text message from someone who I won't name. It said, excellent show.

What about that? I want to know who it is now. Well, I'll tell you after when we've done the podcast intro piece. And Jason Byrne is on the show, who is the king of Edinburgh. Apparently so. He was brilliant. If you want to find out why, you can just listen to this. And also,

something I think quite marvellous happened today with our listeners, when we've sort of, the show has suddenly become a sort of workers' cooperative. We're lazy and can't think of our own ideas, basically, so we're getting them to. I think we're stupid and can't think of our own ideas. I've tried, by God, I've tried until the blood has left

my ears. But, yeah, we're going to get the listeners to suggest phone-ins, and there's some good ones. There was. I mean, best TV and film primate yeah that's that's that should maybe that's next week and um if people listen to the podcast and want to email us it'd be brilliant to for some more of those yeah and stuff i'll tell you what i think would be

another good idea if people just emailed us questions not questions like who are you but why are you on but questions just questions that we can discuss, debating points. I think that would be great. I think it's about time we threw the whole thing open. And any jokes anyone's got? No, we don't want jokes. Let's not go that far.

We'll get all those kind of rubbish text jokes. Oh yeah, don't send us those. If that happens, that feels to me like that's like a bug getting into the system, you know what I mean, like a virus. And if you get one of those jokes come in, it's like, like I say, a virus.

A virus. And it sucks the humour out of you, doesn't it? Yeah, I think it can get into your comedy system and kill you off. Comedy system? Yeah, have you not seen my comedy system? No, will you show me now? Well, I'll need an x-ray machine of some kind, but it's

like a series of clown cars driving along an artery. Yes. So, anyway, do listen and I love you. Bye-bye. This is Frank Skinner live from the Edinburgh Festival Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Radio Absolute. And I'm with Emily and Gareth, and we're in Edinburgh live. I believe we are live. Yes. Yes. I think people probably already worked that out. By the mistake. Yes.

So, yes, we're at the Edinburgh Festival. Me and Gareth are working here, and Emily's swanning around, I think. I'm not swanning around. I have sampled a lot of people's wares. When people swan around, is that because it's in some way swan-like? Their feet move much, much faster than their upper body or something? Possibly. Swanning around. Swans are actually quite graceful and elegant. They don't really... Well, they do swan around, but notans are actually quite graceful and elegant they don't

really well they do swan around but not in the way that we anyway so what you've been up to i've been everywhere i've been to lots of comedy which was great uh i saw laura solon who's good and i saw jason burn who's coming on today but the best thing have we plugged the get have we actually plugged the guest i never remember to plug the guest in about 30 seconds before they come i have to see them before I plug them. That's my mother. It's because he was so good. That's why I'm doing it. Okay. But I did something the other day

which was quite life-changing, Frank. Goodness. Yeah. It's called Internal and it's kind of... Oh, dear. Was it when you came through customs at Edinburgh Airport? It's kind of speed dating meets performance art. So I went with Daisy, who works on the show.

Who? Daisy. I know her really, I'm just trying to be... Like Chris Moyles? Yes. You're doing well. Thanks very much. So you go into this room, there's five of you, you're in groups of five, and then a curtain comes up, and there are five actors. So you get one per per person and that's your date.

So Daisy gets this very kind of romantic, he looks a bit like Heathcliff with lots of black curly hair and I was thinking, oh, lucky cow. So let me get this right, there's only five people in the audience? Yes, that's it. Tags me back. OK. Right.

So Daisy had this Heathcliff type. Yeah, sort of black curly hair hair far away look in the eyes yeah i had a six foot two very broad muscular woman woman yes so my heart sunk and she must have seen that in my face because i then got swapped for a man who was so good looking i mean he was like a calvin klein model he was amazing right so i very happy. So then he took me into a booth and you go on your date and it was just like a normal date. He gave me whiskey and he asked me about it.

It's like a normal date. He gave me whiskey. Good. It's a normal date. He gave me a hipnoth. It was for goodness sake. I date a lot of Irish tramps. What can I say? That's probably something that you can't say. But no, you have said it. There'll be an end to it.

OK. And then he asked me a lot about myself. We talked about relationships. And then he held my hand. And then I really started to fancy him. Right. And then he said, it's time now. It's time to go back into the room and meet the others.

So we went back in. And then he proceeded to tell the group what he thought of me. OK. Which was quite horrifying. He said I was impulsive and impatient. He said I was very beautiful, so that was accurate. So that was good. Yeah.

But he said he felt that I played games. Okay. And then he made me go... Do you play games? Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. Bokaroo, I think. One of your favourites, if I remember rightly.

It's because you play that game that all women like to play, Guess Why I'm Upset. I've played that through the night with women and then into the next morning. It's a great game. I never quite got there to the answer. But it doesn't sound very life-changing to me. No, it is because it's like group therapy. Obviously, whiskey can be life-changing. It's like group therapy. And it's just there's something so strange about it.

You've got to experience it. And when I left, he said, can I have your address? So now I don't know what's going to happen. That sounds smooth. That's beyond the best. What do you mean? When you said, you mean you gave him your address? Yeah.

Was that wrong? I like the way he didn't even ask for a phone number. He asked for an address. He is a homeless bloke, isn't he? Does he not have a phone? I think this needs looking into. So, what's your week been like, Gareth? We haven't seen much of each other, I'll be honest with you.

We saw you on your birthday night. Yeah. What a drab affair that was. Right. We went to be honest. No. We saw you on your birthday night. Yeah. What a drab affair that was. Right. We went to a pub. They wouldn't let Ethan in. No. Can you believe they wouldn't let Ethan in?

In case you don't know who Ethan is, he sounds like this. I mean, okay, he's 37, but they still wouldn't. So they wouldn't let the back, they wouldn't, the kitchen, that't... So they wouldn't look at the back. They wouldn't... The kitchen, that's the word, kitchen shut at 8.30. Yeah, it was an outrage. I wasn't being welcomed at all. But it was lovely to see you, of course. I was terribly sick on my birthday.

I've got food poisoning. That's a tradition, isn't it? Food poisoning's a rubbish way of being sick on your birthday. You've got to drink, like, nine barley wines is the normal method yeah and um yeah so that was good i i had um sounds great i think we've built it up sufficiently how's the gigs going yeah good i it's funny you played saturday morning i had my foot someone on last night after the gig came and knocked on the stage dressing room door and popped their head round and went, Saturday morning! Today?

And, yeah. How would they have known that was you, though? Well, I think they must have put together someone. We're famous now, Frank. Deal with it. Oh, God, yeah, that's right. I have Dr Frankenskin's monsters. That's what's happened to you. So I should say, Gareth, in case you don't know,

many of you will know he's a stand-up comic, and he's doing the Comedy Zone up here, which is like all the top new comic showcase. That'd be fair to say, wouldn't it? Yeah, I had to get people thrown out on Thursday. What? You got someone sacked last week? You got thrown out? Yeah, some audience members weren't playing ball,

so they were out of here. You've become the sort of Robert McGarvey in British comedy. They weren't playing ball. What were they doing? Oh, no, they were really drunk. And then they shouted out, like, before I got to say anything on stage. And then they were just talking all the way through and shouting. They were incredibly drunk. And then I said, look, you'll have to leave.

And then the guy kind of really gave me a threatening look not a threatening look yeah and said oh will we and then i said i like the sound of that no neither did i so i was like yeah um and we've got front of house people there's this little front of house man who wears it lots of earrings and a leather jacket and he kind of scuttled over and the man looked at him and said, no, you're going to have to get someone bigger than that. Really? So, yeah.

Well, he had a point, to be fair. Yeah, it's true. And so proper security people had to come, and they didn't leave gracefully. I like the idea of bespoke security, where you can actually pick who's big enough to throw you out. I'd have gone out with a little earring man, I think. I'd have carried him out in my arms,

like some terrible ventriloquist dummy. And apparently this guy, well, there were three of them who got kicked out, but the big guy who was threatening was apparently screaming from the streets that he was going to kill me. Yeah. So, um... Oh, right, OK. It's been a great great week yeah anyways that's that's what i call a review what's going on the posters yeah well and does he he doesn't know he didn't ask you for his

address absolute radio i went to a talk at the Book Festival at Edinburgh and it was by a Scottish historian called Tom Devine and he was talking about the 18th century in Edinburgh. That's a funny name for it. He sounds more like a stripper. What, Tom Devine? Yeah, he didn't. Unfortunately, there was no... Though I have got a stripping story from this weekend.

From this week, rather. So there was a bit I really liked. Someone said to him, he's quite a famous Scottish historian, and somebody said to him, so do you think there could be an enlightenment in Edinburgh now? How do you think intellectualism and education is going to be in Edinburgh in the 21st century? And he said, the future is not my period.

Oh, very good. Yeah, really good reply. So I went to that, which is quite intellectual, as I say, and then this show I'm doing, the Credit Crunch Cabaret, we had the Chippendales on. How were they? I think there was 15 of them. 15, wow.

Now, I worked with the Chippendales in 1992, and I think they must have had a change in personnel. They were all white then for a start-up. I think they must have a big turnover in the Chippendales. They've just got a very good surgeon, maybe. Yeah, maybe, yeah. But what I didn't realise is the Chippendales, they actually take all their clothes off nowadays,

but they have things like their old off nowadays. But you don't... They have things like... They hold hats in the right position and stuff. Hats? What sort of hats? You know that song, You Can Keep Your Hat On? Of course, they have to dance to that terrible, predictable old baloney. If you're listening, lads.

Anyway, so... They're not listening. I got in their taxi. Because I got in this cab and it stunk of aftershave. Well, that does're not listening. I got in their taxi because I got in this cabin. It stunk of aftershave. Well, that does not surprise me. And then I saw four men with sort of Popeye arms outside paying the driver. What, with small anchors?

Yeah. And did any of them say, The thing is, when they come backstage, they don't make any... The hats are just cast aside. So I'm standing backstage with, like, 15 naked men, which I haven't stood with that many naked males since I was at school. And they're all, like, really muscular, sort of.

It was actually quite dreadful. Was it? It really was, yeah. And they weren't at all friendly. They didn't say hello or anything. So I felt like I was in a lift with 15 naked men and not wanting to ask why. And you were complaining that they weren't being friendly enough.

Well, maybe that made them reticent. Maybe they were just shy. No wonder they smelled of aftershave. They'd have to use it all over. I couldn't tell you that much about them. So I didn't enjoy that very much i i gotta be honest and also i got to um i got to go in a boss i got interviewed in in a boss oh wow or a bus what some people would say and the thing was the boss was slightly on a slope so that when you were being interviewed i was sitting at the microphone like this but there was like one of those metal poles that you get on bosses i had to hold on to he, just lock your legs.

That was for Tom Devine, the lapel. So I had to lock me legs around it, because if I let go, I slipped back, and then I got further and further away from the microphone. So we were all holding on for grim life during this interview. But that was quite like that. So it's been that kind of a week for me. Do you know

what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Now, there was a... Oh, what? Sorry, I'm just talking to my producer. What? What do you want? We were going to say... Oh, I was going to talk about moustaches.

I'm not liking it this morning. Can we start again? Absolute Radio. Lisa and Joe from Brighton want to shout out, and apparently they're at the V Festival. Are they? They haven't really mentioned that so far. They want to shout out?

Yeah. Oh, that's not me at all. We don't really do shout outs. I'll have a go. Out! There you go. Next. I thought you had a big load of exciting emails to tell us about.

No, we sent a blank email from one phone number. A blank email? Yeah. Maybe that's from a mute. They're not technically out of it. Someone with no thumbs. It's not Gary the Plumber. No.

Gary the Plumber, you mean the one with the... The Kidney Man. The Kidney Man. We like this story. We like the kidney man. He's, he's, he reckons he's got, he had a kidney transplant. Yes. And ever since he's had the kidney transplant,

he reckons he's got amazing artistic gifts. So he's been doing lots of painting ever since he's had this kidney transplant. The gifts came with the kidney. Well, that's what he thinks. So it was like Francis Bacon's kidney or something. What, Bacon and kidney? All the artists I could have chosen. It's a fabulous idea, though, isn't it?

That you could get somebody's... It's like the hands of Orlac. Have you ever seen that film, the hands of Orlac? This piano player, he gets his hands chopped off. I don't know, the lid drops down or something. And they're just left in two cords. And he gets new hands, and they turn out to be the hands of this murderer.

And Orlac's lying in bed, like, asleep, and you see his own hands come up above the sheets and start straggling him. That's so creepy. Yeah, but I think it's an interesting idea that you could have somebody's organ and that would turn you into them, in a way. There was someone else in the paper, though, saying that he'd been given the corneas from a woman

and therefore was doing loads of cleaning, which I thought was slightly sexist. Yeah, he's been given sexist eyes. He got the cornea, which is just the very front part of the eye. But he says before he couldn't see dirt. But now he just sees it everywhere. Maybe he's got the eyes of a superhero. And he's got, like, incredible microscopic vision now.

Can he see a lot of fruit? I thought he might have a fruit cornea. Oh my goodness! Stop the show! There's a pun alert! That's the morning! Now I feel better. What's up at the V Festival?

That's a serious question. I'm sure we'll find out over the course of the show. I had a bit of a terrible incident this week. I'm going to be straight with you. Come on, then. I was in the assembly rooms in Edinburgh, which is where my gig is on, and I was walking across...

My girlfriend had gone off to the toilet or something. By the way, my girlfriend's mum is in the studio today. Yeah. Sandy Mason. Sandy Mason. I forgot you were there, Sandy. I did as well. If you heard the click of knitting needles in the corner,

that is, that's Sandy's mum. She's in the corner, yeah. If it's Sandy's mum, I'd be very frightened indeed. So I don't think she's any longer with us, God rest her soul. But, yeah, Sandy is in. She's my girlfriend's mum. So I've got to be careful with her soul. But, yeah, Sandy is here, and she's my girlfriend's mum. So I've got to be careful with this story. But, anyway, my girlfriend went off somewhere,

and suddenly I was approached by this woman and said, Oh, how are you doing? And it was an ex-girlfriend. Oh, dear. Yes, it was an ex-girlfriend. Oh, dear. Someone I used to live with about eight or nine years ago. Yeah.

And I held out my hand to shake her hand in a formal. And she cut yours off with a machete. No, she hugged me. Oh. And I thought, well, this is, you know, no hard feelings. Okay, it was, you know, we had our bad days, I'll admit. But I thought, now I'm in this position where I'm talking to my ex and at any moment, Kath's going to come back.

And I just, there was nothing wrong about it, but I got very tense. I can understand that. Yeah, and I didn't know, I thought, well, I could just push her over and run off. But it felt wrong. I wish she had. Yeah, but it wouldn't have looked good.

It would have been in the Scotsman, you know, Skinner, Fells, X, it would have said. So, in the end, Kath had obviously... Kath didn't come back for, like, 20 minutes. She'd obviously seen it and then she'd sort of fled. So, I ended up sitting in the bar chatting to my ex-girlfriend, thinking, oh, my God, where's Kath? What am I going to do? I'm trapped.

I don't have anything to say, you know. And eventually Kath appeared with Dave Gorman, who she'd brought, you know Dave Gorman, the comic who hosted this show. Was he acting as a human shield? Yeah, he was used as a human shield and brought in, she sort of walked just behind him. Can I just say that I do think normally

my view on this is just love bomb the ex with sickening insincerity. That's what I always do. However, in this instance... You mean Kat should have done that? Yeah, but in this instance I think it could have been an exception if it's the ex that I think it is. Well, I'm not prepared to say which ex it is

but my nodding might give it away. Just because for personal security reasons I would want to keep away from... Hold on, don't say anything libelous. Although the ex is going to take... He's not going to make that stick in court. He'll probably be sued by Simon Cowell. What are you looking at me now for, Emma,

with your big pieces of paper? Honestly, I can't work like this. I'm an artist! I did not come into radio to be treated like a fool! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. That's Florence and the Machine. I think that's really good.

I love it. That's rabbit heart. I once had a rabbit heart transplant. My sex life went through the roof of the hodge I had then moved into. It was absolutely tremendous. I understand that a poll has been released. This is not political,

dude. It's not a left for wet, sir. Although it could be left for wet, to come to think of it. As you'll see in a minute. Carry on, Gareth. Top ten British moustaches. You said that in a weird accent. Yeah, you said it looking at me in an accusing way,

as if I'm wearing all top ten British moustaches on my stupid face. So there's been a vote to find the best British moustaches. Yes, that's what's happened. Who won? Tanita Tikaram won. No, Sienna Miller won. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

That runner, the 800 metres runner. Oh, no, she's not British. She's from South Africa. Yes. She's actually got a handlebar. She's quite banished. Quite banished. Freddie Mercury won.

Oh, a posthumous award. Yeah. Yes. Is that the posthumous award you dream of? Is it best moustache? Not accepted in his own time, was it, that moustache? Exactly. Never fully appreciated until after his death.

No, you're right. It was like John Clare, the nature poet, in the 19th, early 19th century. Who's your favourite moustache? My favourite? I'm very partial to... You know the military minister bloke, Bob Ainsworth? Oh, yeah, I know exactly who he is. He looks like every school caretaker I ever had at school.

He's got one of those moustaches and glasses and, like, too much hair. He's a brilliant cartoon viz minister bloke. He's like Mr Bronson from Grange Hill. He's got that look. Yeah, he has got that look, yeah. But he's very sort of like this, isn't he? He really should be. Hey, you lad, come on, get out of that corridor

and help me with the milk. He's really like that. Hey, you lad, up it. I tell you who I like. Don't say up it since I've had my rabbit half. You know what I'm like. You get me all twitchy. The nose is already going.

Do you want to know my favourite moustache? Yes, I do want to hear your favourite moustache. Do you know the violent criminal Charles Bronson? Yes. I love his moustache. He's a classic. I think that actually is Freddie Mercury's moustache. I think it was bequeathed to him.

Yeah. We had Richard Herring come in and talk about his but I've seen him round Edinburgh and he's got that Hitler moustache, hasn't he? He's trying to stop people calling it a Hitler moustache and call it Charlie Chaplin. I saw him the other day in the rain. He looked very dejected

and walking around moping with just a... It's certainly right for invading Russia. Walking around with a Hitler moustache and looking sad. That must wear really thin. Yeah. What we thought

we'd do is ask for arguably the worst phone in on British radio. We'd like to know what your favourite celebrity moustache is. Because I feel we've missed a few. Didn't Kid Creole, I have a memory of Kid Creole having one of those really thin moustache is. Because I feel we've missed a few tricks. Yeah. Didn't Kid Creole... I have a memory of Kid Creole having one of those really thin moustaches.

Yes, like what I call a Rhett Butler. A Rhett Butler. Even thinner than Rhett Butler's. Oh, OK. And if you get one of the ones on the top ten British moustaches, you get ten points. Yes, people will just Google it. See, in the old days of radio, you could do that

and people wouldn't have had access to the information. We'd have had some fabulous guesses, like Professor Jimmy Edwards and Harry Wheatcroft. But now people will just Google it and send them in and think they're going to get ten points. What would that mean if they got ten points from us? Can you stop saying moustiches or whatever? It's moustaches.

I think it's moustaches. Moustache! Isn't it moustaches? I don't know. Moustaches. That's how I say it. Oh, let's call the whole thing Tash. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So, yes, our phone in this week is your favourite moustache. It's a struggle. We often think, what should we have for a phone-in this week? I wanted to have, life is little more than a grotesque pantomime. Discuss. But it's hard to get it on a text message. We can't do that because Chris Miles did that last week anyway.

Oh, did he? Okay. And another one that Emily suggested was, what's your favourite Phil Spector wig? What kind of a phone is that? I genuinely think mine, mine for the record, whilst you're asking, is, you know the sort of buttery blonde page boy, which is a bit Rick Wakeman, Henry V? Yes.

It's an Agincourt chic, I call it. Yeah. That's mine. What's yours? Well, I like his, I actually like, he was bald in the papers this week, Phil. I know, I didn't like that. No, I liked seeing the real... Natural, natural spectre. The real spectre, yeah.

Spectre au natural, I think the headline was in the star. My favourite... Well, my phone, we talked about what body parts people have had that made them do it. I thought celebrity body parts, whose body part would you most like to have? No, but that would just be smart. They wouldn't be able to read that. So what we're saying is, I think we should have a phone-in

for ideas for a phone-in. That's a good idea. So if you could phone in things like, you know, things a good, like, you know, favourite horse, racehorse. Favourite horse? Favourite racehorse. That's terrible.

No, I'd say 60, I'd say 68. No, we want you to get on a seat. We love you, you are loyal listeners, and we'd love you to send in what you think would be a good idea for a phone, and that would be brilliant. Frank Skinner, live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute radio. We've been joined, we've been joined by Jason Byrne.

How are you? How's it going? It's going very well and it's lovely to have you. I heard you described as the King of Edinburgh. Is that some sort of official? I don't know who gave me that. Yeah, I think if you sell the most amount of tickets, you become some sort of king.

You've sold something like 25,000 Edinburgh tickets. Yeah, that was last year. We're going to sell more now. I don't know. We're getting that King of Edinburgh title, isn, that was last year, yeah. We're going to sell more now. Okay. But it's really, I don't know, that's really, we're getting that King of Edinburgh title, isn't it? Oh, I quite like it. Well, I mean, the title I got last year was like as if a kid had come up to me and given it to me.

Because they've got loads of prizes up here, as you know, as you've won them. Yeah. And you get like a ceremony and a plaque. But somebody kind of came up to me in the street, like it was one of the people who were working for the PR, and went, you've sold the most amount of tickets ever, ever, ever in Edinburgh, ever. And that was what I got.

That was my title. That's a pretty good one to win. Yeah, yeah. We're actually, because we're up in Edinburgh at what I like to call the E Festival, we're in a Scottish radio station called Fourth One. Yeah. And I believe you also won the Fourth One Finges Prize. Yeah, I did. So this must be a Fourth One Fringe Prize. Yeah, I did.

So this must be a fabulous sentimental journey for you. Yeah, it is. I'm right back here at this. Yeah, that was like a People's Choice Award, which was great because it was like

Scottish people were just going, oh, we have to give them something for being the King of Edinburgh. So I won that, yeah, and I got it. And at the ceremony was, when I won it, there was...

Was there someone in a kilt? No, there was lots of people in kilts handing over awards and going thank you very much and it was very deep voiced radio presenters and the deeper your voice is

by the way in this city you can get the radio job the quicker is that right? yeah if you have a high Scottish voice you're having a hope

but if you have a deep Scottish voice you'll hear the oh like that no like that very official that kind of stuff but anyway

the lead singer of Spanning Ballet I've forgotten his name now Tony had been he was at the awards in the front Emily knows him very well I sat next to him at an awards do once so you started sitting next to him you ended up sitting amongst him

so did you say now that you know him probably you tell people you know him are you suggesting I'm shallow Jason no no it's just tell people you know him? What are you suggesting? I'm shallow, Jason. No, no. It's just that, I mean, people walk by me and I say, I've known them. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know Frank Skinner.

He's walking by. You will by the time you leave this studio. Yeah, when I leave here, I go, oh, me and Frank, close. So it was presented to you by Tony Hadley? Well, no, it wasn't presented. It was presented to me by a deep voice man. And then Tony Hadley was in the front row.

And I was, years, since I was a kid, I was presented to me by a deep voice man. And then Tony Hadley was in the front row. And I was, years since I was a kid, I was dying to ask him this about slow sets, right? In Ireland, we had slow sets. Now, they had been scattered around England. And these were like, whenever the slow songs came on, that's when you're able to ask the girl to dance. Oh, yeah, yeah. A snog.

Yes. And I had to ask him. I asked him while I was on stage, have you ever heard of a slow set? And he said, no, he never heard of one. Oh, my God. And he was responsible for most of me snogging all these young women.

So what was the Spandau Ballet song that you would grab a girl to? It was True the Barricades, is that it? Yes. No, just True. Straightforward True. Oh, True. Oh yeah, oh, is it just called True?

Yes. No, no, wait a minute. It's that one that goes... Now you're saying Through the Barricades, but because you're Irish, you're saying True. No, no, no. It's an amalgamation of True the barricades but because you're Irish you're saying true. It's an amalgamation of through the barricades.

Through the gold barricades. That's why there was so much conflict in Ireland. We just couldn't understand each other with the DHS. True, true, true what? No, I'm fine. Yeah, it's that one that goes through the barricades.

Oh, that one! Oh, you're thinking of... It don't get much better than that, does it? That was the container drive, that's by the fall. That's what I come on stage to every night. I've actually... I feel the adrenaline going just from hearing it. That is...

I can't wait for my... I'd bring that home to my nine-year-old and see what he'd say. Yeah. I can't imagine that travelling much further now than here, than us. It's people like you and me, friend, that would keep that kind of music alive. Well, I'm proud of that.

Although someone's just texted in and said, I actually liked that song. What is that? What was it? Was it a text with a raised eyebrow? It's an air of surprise to that text. There's somebody dipping their bicky a little bit heavy into their tea, going, oh, hang on a minute, I kind of like that.

Someone who's been listening to Absolute for two years, and this is the first song. No, that's from the phone number, that's my wife, Laura. Oh, is it? Your wife? Yeah, she's listened to every show and every one of your full songs. That's the type of texting that goes on in this show, then. Yeah, we don't have many listeners.

It's friends and family. Mostly just keeping in touch. That's what happens. Yeah. Our audience is kind of like a wedding photo. You either know everyone or it's always that bloke that used to go out with our Karen. Oh, my God, yeah, the texting.

Yeah, but I'm having... Yeah, I've only got, like... I'll plug Moodle Day Saturday on tonight. No, do, plug it away. I'm in the EICC tonight, and then next weekend I'm in the EICC Friday and Saturdays. That's the Edinburgh International Conference Centre. That's so funny.

It's like gigging inside a transformer. Does it turn into a robot? Yes, it turns into a... If you don't sell it out completely, the back chunks just whip around, the walls just turn around 360 degrees and close off, and you'd never know that there were seats in there. That's a fabulous idea.

I'd love, right, if it was... I'd say it'd be sold out tonight, I'd love it if they would just put those people in the seats and close it off before the other people came out. And then they could, like, they could go, like, you know, whatever, it'd be 700 people in the front row, and then I'd go, ah, there's more people here, though. And then you'd put the button on it,

and it could just all flick around. All flick around, and all died of asphyxiation. This terrible, ashen face, slumped corpses. Yeah. And then what I'll do is I'll play that song from the fall. Just go around

pointing at people down in the seats. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It'll be Edinburgh history right there. Oh, yeah. I mean, I... Yeah, I've had loads

of weird things happen to me in gigs. I've... Oh, the other night here, because when I play that room, right, it's at a quarter past eight, now and again, a fighter jet goes over the top of my venue.

A fighter jet? Have you heard the fighter jet? Yeah, they have. Yeah, is it ten o'clock or something, something like that? A fighter jet goes over at six o'clock. Well, it must be just after nine. Yeah, yeah, that's right. It's about a quarter past nine, it goes over every day.

I'm glad we've established when the fighter jet goes over, because there are people people are thinking, well, I don't want to miss it. I'm going to go all the way to Edinburgh to hear a fighter jet. Well, you see,

they thought it wouldn't be loud enough to have the fireworks after the tattoo. So someone went, oh, we need a fighter jet. So they put a fighter jet. And when I was on stage

and it went over and the whole room did that kind of ducking thing. Yeah. They all went, like that. They all just ducked. And the fright of it, I was on stage and it went over and the whole room did that kind of ducking thing yeah they all went like that they all just ducked

and the fright of it and actually and what happened was it was unbelievable timing because a bloke stood up and his back was to me and he walked off

and I said to the girl oh is it what's his name you know and she said she said Don and I went oh that's a Don

that's a kind of strange name and she went well he's Chinese you know and it's not his full name and I went Don. And I went, oh, that's Don. That's kind of a strange name. And she went, well, he's Chinese, and it's not his full name. And I went, oh, God, now I feel bad. Sorry, OK? So I don't know if that's a bad or weird name. And then as he just went out the door and the door closed,

that fighter jet just went over the top of the venue. And I said, did he tell you he was going to China or the toilet? It's just perfect timing. Maybe he's the fighter jet pilot. Every night, yes. Just leaves it on the car park. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skeeter on Absolute Radio. Jason Byrne is our guest. He's the King of Edinburgh. He arrived with a full regal possession. And he's sitting here now in an ermine-edged cloak. I can't get my crown through that door. No, I'm sorry about that. They don't get much royalty in here, apparently.

So you're not just the king of Edinburgh, because you're massive in Australia as well, aren't you? Yeah, I do well out there as well. It's very strange. It's great fun out there, though, like Melbourne is where I go. So do you have to change your set quite a lot and do lots of Australian?

I climatise, basically. That's what I do. I climatise the set because my stuff's kind of universal anyway you know what I mean, so it's but I just kind of click into whatever they want whatever way they want you to gig I often find in Australia they do love you doing

local references before you start it's like a little kind of an entree it's like an acceptance thing they go yes that's ok, now continue talking about us that's fine, but they're, like, amazing people there. Well, I remember being in Australia and spending weeks writing all this Australian reference material, and then I played six nights in Sydney,

and it was packed with English people. Backpackers every night who didn't know what I was talking about because they'd just arrived. Oh, yeah, that can happen. But it's great doing that if you get in the old... So you're a sort of big star in Ireland, big star in the UK, shall we call it? Yeah, well, I mean, it wouldn't be a big star like you'd be a big star.

Oh, come on, Jason. You're the king of Edinburgh. No, no, it's OK. But you will not be there for long, Frank. I'll have you removed. No, I'm living in exile. I used to be the king, but I'm afraid our family fell into this repeat. Oh, that's sad, that's sad.

No, I do well. I mean, I have TV shows in Ireland. TV show, a new one. I've got a new panel show, actually, in Ireland, which is going to be good fun. Oh, yeah, what will that be? Well, it's called The Burn Ultimatum. It's good, that's a good title.

I'm liking it so far. You must have been thrilled when those films came out yeah I was because my DVD is called The Burn Identity and the show here is called

The Burn Supremacy so I'm waiting for Matt Damon to make something else maybe you could have one when you question people quite quite vigorously and it could be called

Third Degree Burn oh what do you think? yeah okay I'll call it that next year okay you could have that with my blessing with just your face just your face Third Degree Burn. What do you think? Yeah, okay, I'll call her that next year. You can have that as my blessing. With just your face, just your face, just cut it, smile him with your thumbs up.

Frank Skinner's my title. Frank Skinner's Third Degree Burn. That confused people a lot. So when Edinburgh is over and you've done, you'll have done, what, 40-odd gigs? Oh, yeah, loads of gigs. So what happens then? Do you have a holiday? Well, no, because you'll have done, what, 40-odd gigs? Oh, yeah, loads of gigs. So what happens then? Do you have a holiday? Well, no, because

we went on holiday, which I talk about in the show. We went in July to Orlando and it was a disaster. So we won't be going on a family holiday for a long time. Why? Jason doesn't like Orlando, does he? No, I don't like Orlando. Well, you see, my wife's uncle, he has a house there and we went there.

But when we flew there, first of all, my nine-year-old he needed oxygen on the plane right he was the only one on the whole plane that needed oxygen he got a bit ill but then when he came off we realized that he got a dose of the measles or something like that from the school right but he's already had a shot so when he got a small bit of it then my two and a half year old the following day then starting to get spots and the boat with him were in hospital on our Right. But he's already had his shot, so when he got a small bit of it, then my two-and-a-half-year-old, the following day, then started to get spots, and the both of them were in hospital

on our holidays. I'm slightly worried now. On drips. I'll tell you why I'm worried, because it's a very small studio, and you've got one spot on your forehead. Oh, yeah, but that's... That could be a carrier,

just that one spot. I have burst that, though. That was a proper bursty spot. It wasn't an under-the-skin spot. Don't they call you Measles Burn, Ed? I heard you call it Typhoid Mary. Well, yeah, yeah. A lot of people who've got on stage with me this year

have passed away. So I don't know. But I mean, I hope everybody in here has enjoyed the show. Well, I've enjoyed it. It won't be on tomorrow. Gannett's getting death threats anyway from locals, so it doesn't make any difference to him. Are you getting death threats from Edinburgh locals? Yeah.

Is that just for walking around? No, I had someone thrown around. Thrown around? You had someone thrown around. You were walking down the street and a Scottish person went, I don't like you, I'm picking up this woman, and I'm going to throw her around the top of my head. I had someone thrown out and they said they wanted to kill me.

Oh, you had them thrown out? Yeah. And they wanted to kill you? Yeah. That, ladies and gentlemen, is show business. That's Ocean Coliseum. I always think of hooped T-shirts when I think of Ocean Coliseum. What I should think of, of course, is the fact that...

Just guess. No, I won't even let you guess, they're playing at this year's V Festival. Okay, that's that out the way. Have we had any more texts? Do you know what that was like, Frank? What? That was like when you tell a kid to apologise and they go sorry. Yeah, okay. V Festival. Okay.

Obviously it is brilliant. Favourite moustaches, Magnum PI of course Windsor Davis his one and oh that's Churchill

I got that wrong has Churchill got a moustache he's got a moustache but if you've got hair all over he's one big moustache he's actually

yeah I've heard Churchill the dog call many things but never one big moustache. If he ever plays Edinburgh, it'll say live on stage,

Churchill the musical, one big moustache, Emily Dean. Hey, listen, we've had some suggestions for photos. Actually, can we use that as a trailer? Me just saying, one big moustache, Emily Dean. Well, it's funny you should say that, isn't it, Gareth? Well, it's not that funny. It's not up there with some of my greatest hits. Because somebody...

Someone said Frank Shirley, Emily's moustache made the top ten, didn't it? Oh. Oh. Someone has mentioned the unmentioned one. I haven't got a moustache! No, I haven't got a moustache! No, you haven't got a moustache. I paid thousands for that electrolysis.

It worked the trick. I didn't really. It's just driven it indoors. That's all it's done. Doesn't it tickle your gums? Even your mother-in-law's laughing at me. I love the idea that people have got internal moustaches on the inside of their top lip.

Oh, man. They are marvellous. Anyway, changing the subject very swiftly. Can we not talk about walrus moustaches so close up to the ocean coliseum the day we caught the train, which sounded so much like I am the walrus? The day we caught the train? Isn't that Ronnie Biggs' autobiography? I believe it should be if it isn't.

The trouble is, it even never finishes a sentence. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I love it. And I'll tell you something, it's my girlfriend's birthday tomorrow, Kath, right? And she loves that song as well. And just before we played it, I was going to say,

and this is for Kath, but it's called Oversized. If I'd done that when I got back to the flat, it would have been trashed and she'd have smeared her own excrement on the wall. I hate you. And I'd never have seen her again. So that song was nothing to do with her. But happy birthday for tomorrow, my darling.

What texts have we had? We've had, you know, we were talking about phone-in topics. Yes. We've been suggesting. Yes. We've got... Sorry. You have a gender verification test next week. I'm having one. I'm glad to hear it. That's what I'm making as though. Having one as we speak.

So, phone-in topics are best TV or film primate. And that's from Gabby. That's a brilliant one. I like that. We should have done this before. We have rubbish ones.

Yeah. Best moustache. Best TV and film primate. That's brilliant. That's absolutely excellent. Well, let's save that one because I like that one. Then we've got best and worst.

Oh, no. I was going to read something. It's about a football team and you wouldn't have liked it. Oh, okay. It's about West Brom. Anyway. A phone-in about

favourite wrestler's trunks. And that's from Skipper McKipper. Favourite wrestler's trunks. He's, again, very fine. Oh, these are... See? We should let them run...

We should be more interactive. Let them run the show more because they've got the best... When I say them, I mean you. I shouldn't talk about you as if you're not here. Yes, we've obviously got a very brilliant listener-ette. Yeah.

And we should take advantage of it. We don't want any phone-ins about pick-your-own-presenters. No. Or any of that nonsense. But, I mean, ideas for the show, that's fabulous. OK, any others? I think you should do a phone-in of the strangest thing you've eaten while on holiday. That's some person didn't always give your name,

so we can read out your name when you send in a text. Yeah. I hope it wasn't Armin Mivers. It was the German cannibal. I know exactly who he is. Armin Mivers! That was Elton John's tribute to him. I know exactly who he is. Army in my verse. That was Elton John's tribute to him, which was played at his trial. Cannibal in the wind.

Absolutely excellent. I'm not even going to try and top that. I respect it mightily. Okay, I'll tell you something. You know I don't read reviews. I avoid reviews like the plague. Good policy. Not that I make a big thing out of avoiding the plague,

because it disappeared largely in the 15th century. But I was looking at the absolute, our home, our spiritual home, starting a new channel, which is just live music. I wouldn't be surprised if some of it doesn't come from a meme. Anyway, I was reading about it on the internet because, you know, I'm interested in Absolute and all that, obviously. And they had comments on the end. And I thought it would be people saying, you know,

I don't like live music. It sounds as people calling out and stuff. Or, you know, this is the best idea I've ever had. But the first thing I read was, well, it's about Time Absolute did something because I listened to the Frank Skinner show last week and they were talking about... I'm poised for the compliments. They were talking about who'd got the best cleaner

and Emily was talking about giving someone a £50 tip and it says, who can relate to any of that? Well, your point being? Do they think we've got above our station? I think that's exactly it. We've got above our radio station, yeah. But I was born above my station. Were you?

Yeah. Which station was that? Right, OK. So they don't like us. But Frank, don't read those things. Well, there's a bit more to it than that, because this guy's sort of, kind of... Well, anyway, I'll explain further after this.

Absolute Radio. So, anyway, this bloke was saying, he said he loves the show, he just feels we've lost our way a bit, we've gone a bit starry. That was his argument. Can I point out today, and I've got no, you know, I have respect to this bloke that he cares enough to send into a website. So I'm not

dissing him in any way. I am. No, don't. Because in your case, he's right, obviously. What have I, what on earth have I said? Oh, no.

Get off. Now, this morning, I thought I'll put... I've been wearing tracksuit bottoms all week, so I thought I'm going to put jeans on, so I'll put jeans on. And then I was leaving the house, I remembered why I'd been wearing tracksuit bottoms, because the only jacket I have with me up here is a denim jacket. So now I've arrived

looking like a member of Bewitched I was going to say you were I did think oh Frank's doing a double denim very quiet oh no I don't like a double denim at all but I I was living in fear that as I walked in this morning I'd pass someone who went oh denim and I'd be humiliated as you humiliated so I'm I don't think we're living in some grand palaces by any means. Although when it was my birthday and I was sick, I had had oysters for lunch. Well. Which is living out.

But it was my birthday. Yes. And the phone in next week will be favourite types of champagne. No, but can I just point out as well, I have champagne, toast and beer money. That's the thing I'm not it's not

you know we're not I'm snobby but I don't have anything to back it up with I think now you're protesting too much I'm not going to come on here and say look I was signing on last week and then I injected myself with glass I just don't

I'm a very you know I've got a few bob in my pocket mind your own business that's what I'm saying don't make me feel bad about it. I've worked, you know, if I'd won the lottery, people would be saying, well done, Frank, good luck. You're a work, you're a slave,

and I'm getting emotional. I can't carry on like this. Anyway, I know our true listeners will always be with us. We love you, and we hope you at least like us, and I think we'd better go now. Good day to you.

Frank Skinner, live from the Edinburgh Festival. Absolute Radio.