The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Jason Manford

Episode Date: November 21, 2009

Frank asks what celebrity memorabilia do you own? Emily applies to beautifulpeople.com and Gareth describes his first live experience of The Fall.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. There's a brilliant song which will be on the next album because I'm called I'm Not From Berry. Which is really a cracking song.

Oh, this is Frank Skinner on the Absolute Radio podcast. We were just talking about a gig we'd been to. Yes, and I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth. Hello. Hi, Frank. And I got pig iron. I got all pig iron. I'm not going to explain that reference.

Why should I? So, yes, we did the show. I loved it. I'll tell you what I loved about it. It had a sort of an arc to it. Do you remember? Do you remember that bearded bloke came in with the two zebras? I remember, no.

Of course I do. I was around. Yeah. It started well, but I felt it, every every link it grew and it grew and it blossomed like watching a beautiful garden in that that sort of that speed photography thing when you can watch the things actually grow and develop that's what i thought it was like of course i've been wrong before we had jason manford on yes we had jason manford who's not only funny but also very lovable, I think.

He was gorgeous. And your manager, who broke a chair in the background. Yeah, well, he's getting a bit chunky, my manager. So I don't know if he goes to the gym as often as he used to, but I think he has... We probably shouldn't have signed it, because Absolute would probably charge us for the broken chair. I think someone said something about me doing a gig for no money.

And I think it was actually him falling from the chair. That was the problem. But, yes, it's absolutely splendid. I enjoyed it. It's so lovely working with my friends in this warm and cuddly environment. So do listen and enjoy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio

Talk over the fade, talk over the fade This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio And I'm with Emily and Gareth In a small studio in Golden Square, London I think that's all the details you need to know You make it sound like a hostage situation Yeah, exactly I did Children in Need last night

Did you see me um no no but my niece mimi said frank's on pudsy she said she's very yeah that i don't know why i did that it was just something cuddly looking about it and next thing i knew it was well anyway how was it there was a part when i raised the uh i raised the uh spotted neckerchief and there was just like a it was just like an eye socket, but it looked like someone had left jam in it. Oh, man. Yeah, that was pretty horrible.

I could see the brain pulsating within his... the bear brain inside his head. But I just put it back, and nobody seemed to know. No, I did... I mean, it was one of those nights when I arrived at the BBC, and I arrived at the BBC,... I arrived at the BBC!

It's just become a karate corvette. The producer said to me... No, everybody... I mean, it was people in curly orange wigs and big T-shirts and shaking buckets. It was that kind of... I introduced to one of the senior people of

Children in Need and I said, you know, what senior people of Children in Need, and I said, you know, what I love about Children in Need, it's fabulously low-rent. Oh, yeah. She looked quite... She said, oh, that's not what we're after at all. And I said, no, I like that, because when you're at the Comet Relief, when you're in Green Room at the Comet Relief things, there's a lot of people saying, oh, hi, yeah,

I was in the footlights, and then we started. It's a very middle-class thing, but there's none of that. It's very end of peer. It is like a pub. It's like, what are those nights when you push the pennies over in a pub, but, like, for five hours. But I like that. I like it.

It's profound working classness. And did you raise loads of money personally for your thing? Well, that was a bit of a difficult. Why? I did this Around the World in 80 Days thing. We did like six episodes, 12. You did it with Lee Mack, didn't you? I did it with Lee Mack.

And there was people like John Barrowman and all sorts of people did it. Anyway, so we had to go on. I'll tell you what there was a lot of on the night. One thing you see more of than you ever see in your life is big checks they're really big checks for separate i don't mean robert maxwell i mean like big big checks with um you know with the like comedy lottery winners yeah like yeah i don't know why they do the big check thing but anyway so we had to go on with with a big check, laminated, and then say what, you know, our six-part series at May. So we raised £145,000, right?

Okay, is that a lot? Well, put it this way, Greg's The Bakers raised £600,000. We were a six-part BBC One primetime TV series, which let's's face it, probably cost about three million to make. So I felt a little bit... Were you embarrassed? Well, I was suggesting, you know, that we had a bit of a whip round before we went on, try and knock it off a bit, but

I did feel a bit embarrassed. Did you get, like, cricket applause, like that? Exactly. It was a streaky single to third man. No, I did... I mean, no-one mentioned it. I was going to... I mean, £145,000. Oh, it's still a lot of money. Or as they say at the BBC, almost a week's wages.

Yeah, it was... I did feel a bit embarrassed about it, I've got to be honest with you. But it was a lovely evening in many ways. None of you watched it? What did they rate? They raised 20 million, I think, this year. Yeah, no, I saw the newsreaders doing some dance. I can't remember.

Yeah, well, this year or... No, just in general. Yeah, I think the people from The One Show danced to fame. I realised, of course, The One Show is just a sort of... You know those bite-sized chocolates you get? The one show is a bite-size of Children in Need, basically. Because Children in Need feels like a very, very long item on local news. But it was a lovely night.

The cake, I have to say, was great. The cake was nice. That's all you can say. The trouble is with children in need, you know every mouthful is robbing an underprivileged child of a small amount of money, but I have to say that didn't really impair my enjoyment. Absolute. Radio.

Now that is Depeche Mode, right, with Enjoy the Silence. And, oh God, my nephew, he loves Depeche Mode. Our Jason, he's mad for Depeche Mode. Our Jason, I once showed him a photograph. I was at this black tie-do and I met Henry Cooper and Muhammad Ali. Was this 1973? No, no, this is relatively,

well, no, it's probably about 10 years ago. So I'm standing, I've got this photo which I'm extremely proud of and it's me like in me black tie do, and I'm standing in the middle of Henry Cooper and Muhammad Ali, and I showed this to him, I said, hey, have you seen this photo?

He said, have you started refereeing? They were both about 63 as well. What a fight that would have been. God, dear. Anyway, that's our Jason, who loves Depeche Mode. And speaking of Jasons, who is today's guest? Jason Manford. It is correct.

Well done, it's Jason. I very much like your buzzer. Thank you. Yeah. I like the buzzer action. I also like what the listeners can't hear is that Frank is doing an impression of Jimmy Savile in between every link. I'm not sure why. I don't know why I'm doing that. I don't think it's... I haven't got it good enough yet

to do it on air. Oh, I do. I think you should share it, Frank. But what is the point of it? It has no relevance. Is Jimmy Savile in a big news story today? I don't think so. If he is, it's not going to be one we're going to be able to joke about. I think we all know his next big news story. But, um,

anyway, that'd be more... I can do that now, you see. We've got it in. Whereas if I found out that he's gone in the last 30 seconds, that's going to be the end of our radio careers. I say our radio careers, because if I'm going, you're coming with me. Can I make that point? Yes.

I had a fantastic... What about this for an excuse? My cleaner... Yes, I have a cleaner my cleaner said um i can't she usually does wednesdays right she says i can't do wednesday this week so i'm going to a film premiere no cleaners going to film premier yes that. That is awesome. I love that. Which film premiere? Not that it matters, but it does to me.

I didn't ask which film premiere. I imagine there's something. I think it's called The Road to Domestos. It's a big cleaning documentary she's doing. No, she works for other celebrities. I say other celebrities. Does she? Oh, God, yes.

Which ones? Are you allowed to say? I don't think I'm allowed to't think i don't know why i'm not allowed to say um but um i know i understand yeah there's some sort of cleaner's oath if i drop clues yeah that sounded nothing like david williams anyway so Oh, now you see. But anyway... I bet he takes some cleaning up after. Pardon? I bet he takes some cleaning up after David Walliams. Yeah.

I imagine he's messy. No, I think he'd be very tidy. Frank would be worse, I reckon. No, my girlfriend is more untidy than I am. Is she? Yeah, she has turned my flat into basically a teenage bedroom. Yeah, honestly, I find bras next to the toaster. Why would...

Oh, I keep my bras next to the toaster, for God's sake. Oh, lovely on a winter's morning, that's what it matters. Just give them 30 seconds. Oh, imagine that. Marvellous. So, yeah, so that was what... Now, I read this week, because i'm a great collector of statistics that um there is a a website called beautiful people.com it's a dating agency but to be on it

you have to be beautiful right and so you're sending your photo and they decide whether you are or not now i was talking about this last last week and not on the show but um in a cafe with uh with gareth and emily you make it sound really low rent like eastenders or something it was actually a very nice place we were in yeah okay i don't think i made it sound i said cafe okay okay are you lucky i didn't say calf anyway i i was on about this thing and it said only 12 percent of of united kingdom men get on to beautiful people.com the rest are rejected and only 15 percent of women and it says according to beautiful people.com that makes us the ugliest people in europe right which i'm personally i'm fine with but um emily in order to prove a point said well actually i'll i'm gonna have a go. And then she said, oh, well, they've accepted me. And I thought, oh, well, you know, I suppose it's been a bleak winter.

And then this week she arrives and says, oh, actually, they haven't. They haven't accepted me after all. No, it's things are in. I did not say that. Have they accepted you, Emily? Well, it's complicated. Yes. As they say on Facebook.

Because my application is being screened, and in 48 hours' time I will find out whether I'm good-looking enough to be on beautifulpeople.com. But that suggests some sort of borderline. That's a recount, isn't it? Look, I'm happy to be in a holding bay. Yeah, but, you know, if somebody like, you know... Who's beautiful that we can think of?

Well, obviously no- one in this studio. Now, if Johnny Depp sang to this thing, Johnny Depp would be thrown in a... No, they have to screen your photo. Can you imagine the photo I submitted, Frank? Do you think it was just some casual little snap with no airbrushing? They're making sure they've got it the right side up. That's what they're doing, isn't it? I told you, the electronicist.

Did you listen to me? Did you Buffalo? Anyway. Absolute Radio. Saturday morning. And I'm here. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily.

And Gareth. The only one who could ever reach me Was the son of a preacher man He was, you see. He was the son of a... Oh, well, anyway. And our guest later on is Jason Manford. No, I know that's...

That worked better with Rob's ear, didn't it? But still, I quite like it as our guest jingle. When we introduce Russian roulette as a regular thing with our guests, that would be a good thing to do. And what would you pay to watch Jed would play Russian roulette? I'd pay £1,000 to children in need. Shall we do that? I'm sure they'd be up for it. They wouldn't know what it was until it was too late.

No. So, on thatsongofthedecade.com, I've got this... They keep saying song of the decade. They do say decade, yeah. A decade sounds like an arcade where you go to buy genitals. Or a rotting corpse or something. Sounds like a rotting corpse. You know, when I came in this morning, my driver said to me,

it's really mild. Sorry, who said that to you? My driver. Just checking. He said to me... Yeah, he couldn't... To me, it's because he had to go to a film premiere. He said to me, it's really mild, you know.

He said, if it carries on like this, he said, we'll all be having barbecues at Christmas outside. He said it'll be like Bombay Beach. I said, no, I said, if you're ever on Bombay Beach, don't join in the barbecue. That'll be a funeral. You want Bondi Beach. So I would say if you're listening,

but he goes to sleep after he drops me off. He does. He goes to sleep? Yeah, well, he works from seven till seven on Friday nights. So then he drops me off he does he goes to sleep yeah well he works from seven till seven on friday night so then he drops me off and then he goes back and goes to bed okay i'm glad we're all clear about the hours your driver works yeah he's not my driving up for everyone it's not my driver why would my driver work till the night what would he drive if i kept waking with the night and said i need a drink of water he He has to drive to the reservoir. Why, don't be ridiculous.

Oh, I've got a scratch now. Anyway, this Song of the Decade thing is, what I'd like to do is everyone who listens to this show and likes it, and everyone who listens to the podcast, and everyone who just likes to do things that are a bit different, vote for Blindness

by the Four on Song of the Decade, right? That's never going to get through. No, but that's the whole point, isn't it? Because wouldn't it be fabulous if they had to play The Four as their Song of the Decade on Absolute Radio? It'd be the best thing that ever happened. So I'm urging you, my troops, to rally

behind me and let's make that absolute Song of the Decade. Oh, man, I can't tell you, but the best Christmas present I've ever had, including that Dan Dare set I had when I was six, with, like, the beeper on it. Do you remember that, Em?

Oh, it's... Do, yo, bi, go, go! Which is Saturday morning in Japanese, if you don't know. But yeah, that beautifulpeople.com we were talking about, which is a sitcom for beautiful people. How unfoddy would that be? No, it's a...

A website for beautiful people. A website. Thanks for helping me with that. I knew it was something with a spider in it. I'd think I'd like to go on that and knock them all back. I'm not sure you'd have the choice, Frank. Why? Oh.

I think Shuley, Shuley Celebrity, would get you in through the back door. Really? If you say one thing, you can go off the show. Gareth. Yes. I feel quite stiff with stress, though. I'm really nervous.

I think I might get knocked back. Yeah. I'm going to miss it. I'm scared. That's where my money is. You said, we said, get knocked back. Yeah. I'm going to miss it. I'm scared. That's where my money is. But, you said, we said,

would we be able to get onto Beautiful People and you said, oh, you might if you got rid of the glasses. Is that what you said? Yeah.

He didn't say that. Well, there's not going to be people with glasses on on Beautiful People.com. Johnny Depp wears glasses. Yeah, but I bet he took them off

for his Beautiful People.com thing. Even he has got some sense of... This is geek chic I've got going on here. Justin Timberlake wears glasses like this. Yes, is it called geek.com? No. It's called beautiful people, so don't be ridiculous. Yeah, but I have my hair blow-dried, I have the photo airbrush.

You just have to make an effort. You put a little bit in and you get a lot back. Yeah, well, that's true. That sounds like my divorce settlement. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Jacques. Jacques Cousteau.

That was Jacques Cousteau by Plastic Bertrand. I rather liked it. It's fabulous, isn't it? I enjoyed singing along in French to Tous les Poissons. Yeah, do you think we could get that voted as the Absolute Radio song of the decade? I'd better not split my vote with blindness by the four. Yeah, do you think we could get that voted as the absolute radio song of the decade? I'd better not split my vote with blindness by the four. It's funny because people who listen to the four usually would vote for deafness.

Gareth, are you mental? I can't believe you've said that. In case you don't listen to the show very often, the four are my favourite band in all the world. They mean more to Frank than me getting on beautifulpeople.com. I'm also slightly worried about this, because we'll probably talk about this, but Gareth, I know, went to see The Fall this week and hasn't said a word about it to me.

Gareth, how was it? Well, I... Hold on, before you do this, I need to soften the blur. What we haven't done, we haven't had a sort of listeners' texting thing. You know, we get people to text in on, Hey, 12, 15! Every morning. Not every morning, but just when we're on.

And we haven't asked them to text anything in. Why do you say it like that? You sounded like an angry choir boy. So what should we get them to text in, do you say it like that he sounded like an angry choir boy what so what what should we get him to text in do you think because i like to have a bit of you know we've had some brilliant things from the listeners yeah but it's all to do with us having a really good idea of what's that's the central thing that needs to happen yeah i mean when the we had our very first meeting about doing this show we talked about ideas for a phone-in and I've still got it written in my book. I've written most evil person you ever

buried in a field for the phone-in. I bet that was Gareth's idea. Why is life a grotesque pantomime? I think, shall we have that? That's a great idea. I love it. Now I'll tell you what I did think about it because we did a journal, when we did that

children in need thing, we filled in a journal when we did that um children in need thing we filled in a journal and it's currently standing at 28 grand people are bidding for that journal and it's just like you know things that me and bill turnbull have written while we was on our holidays i can't wait to get my hands on that well exactly i personally wouldn't accept it as a gift but um i think it's great it's great you know for charity that people are uh bidding for it but i was wondering what about what what celebrity memorabilia people have got because people keep all sorts of things you see i've got a hair from elvis's horse stop it i think he did have to stop it unless it was caught in a fence can I repeat that? Horse

and yeah so I've got that what colour is the hair? actually I've got what colour is the hair? yeah look I would say I'd guess it was a palomino

oh yeah and is that your normal palomino response? oh palomino I was talking I haven't told you this, Gareth, I was talking to Emily in the street yesterday.

Yeah, we talk in the street sometimes. We just stood in the street. And a very, very fat woman walked past us. And this is what Emily did. Emily said, yeah, well, I was saying to him, oh. And then we went down there. I did not say that. I didn't say it.

Can you deny that it was more to do with the fact that I was worried she was cold because she wasn't wearing it oh you were worried she was cold you don't need to worry whether she was cold I think she's quite toasty no she hasn't been cold since the since the 80s that was my bet

yeah but it was a lovely thing because it wasn't a crawl obviously it was built from kindness it was pity it was a lovely thing, because it wasn't a crawl. Obviously, it was built from kindness. It was pity. It was pity. So anyway, what... Obviously, she wasn't celebrity memorabilia, I'm guessing. No.

Unless she was the plaything of some obesitist. I don't know if that is a new word. Well, I like it. It is now. Yeah, I'm liking obesitist. An obesitist. Obesitist sounds like someone who maybe juggles fat people. that is a new word new well i like it is now yeah i'm like an obesityist an obesityist obesity sounds like someone who maybe juggles fat people um if there's any fat people listening um i i like i'm all right with you i think people uh make too much so um yeah so phone in about um any any

any um celebrity memorabilia you've got no i've got some. What have you got? I'll bet you have. I've got... Yeah, but it's too late for a stomach pump. What does that even mean? I've got a cricket bat signed by Stuart Broad. Oh, you know, the hot cricketer. Yeah, I know Stuart Broad. How dare you suggest that I know Stuart Broad?

What do you do with that cricket bat? Is it on display in your house? No, it's just in my house. If an intruder comes in, then I wield it. Because I think, firstly, he won't know whether to be impressed. Do you like to get in the cricket? Fancy being beaten to death with an autographed cricket bat from Stuart Broad. The imprint might have gone to their face

and gone, oh, who killed this man? Well, Stuart Broad's written his name on their face backwards. Stuart Broad has not only beaten him to death, he's signed, he's signed this evil work. Well, yeah, that's true, he'd be in trouble. Absolute. Radio. Do you know I got a review,

a bad review in the tab light this morning. It was either the sun or the mirror. Once you're inside them, they become indistinguishable. I got a bad review for a gig I did in 2002 i mean is that what did it say it said um it was on about doing i know you'll remember yeah well it's about the brits i did the brits and um it's on about how comedians did at the brits because peter k is going to do it apparently uh next year and it said um yeah it just said frank skinner was dreadful in 2002. I mean... That's a bit harsh. I wouldn't say dreadful.

Well, what would you say? Don't even contemplate an adjective. Even so, it was seven years ago. Let me off the hook. Turn a page. Yeah, exactly. It should be like, you know, prisoners, when they come out, you're supposed to, you know, I've served my time.

Anyway. Well, you've had some time anyway well you've had some good reviews we've had some good reviews texts and interesting good reviews listen to this right this is from jim in dumfries he says hello frank i've just read frankie boyle's book and in it he says you said something to him that made him laugh for a week and a half but he didn't elaborate can you yeah? Yeah, but you remember... Comedians laughing at other... I mean, what I just said about getting a bad review saying I was dreadful at hosting the Brits, that will probably make Frankie Boyle laugh for a week at home. So it might not have been a joke. It might have been,

I feel really ill, I think I'm having a heart attack. He might have said you were planning on joining beautifulpeople.com. Well, yes, that's a possibility, of course. I have no idea what that was. If it's funny, I'd love to remember it, because I might want to say it again, like maybe now. Also, Olly Willis has sent this text. Olly Willis. okay um bit of a rare

question i know but frank told a joke at edinburgh and his cabaret thingy when i was there and i want to know what it was probably the best skinner joke i've ever heard it was so good he just stood at the front of the stage drinking in the applause it was it was the same night as the Axis of Awesome and Andrew Maxwell. A great night. Cheers, Frank. So you seem to say really funny things that people can't remember what they are. Well, I'm actually saying them through Sam, my spirit guide.

They're not my jokes at all, which is why I don't know if they come from the other side. I don't know what that was either. I love that image of you standing at the front of the stage with your arms outstretched, drinking in the applause. I have done that before. If you get a really, really big thing, I stand and mime being in the shower

as if it's the warmth of the... People listening to this for the first time think that they can't imagine me getting such a response, but it has happened twice, apparently. I have documentary evidence for that. We've had some other good texts in about celebrity memorabilia. What, on 8-12-15? Is that what you're saying?

Yes, that is what I'm saying. 8-12-15! Someone has texted in to talk about celebrity memorabilia and say, Dave Lane is a famous carp fisherman and I have got his child. Is there a ransom note with that one? I don't know. Oh, that is celebrity, everyone.

That's a fabulous piece of celebrity. I imagine that Dave's child might have fins and gills. You hope that maybe you don't. And Simon in Windsor says, Morning, Frank. I don't know if it counts, but my granddad made the balls for the original rollerball movie

and he made an extra one, which I have now. They were all made of wood. That is a fabulous piece. That's probably, that's going to take some beating, but I love that. That was Raquel Welsh, was it?

I believe so. Absolute. Radio. So look, I can't resist anymore. By the way, this is, I've got something in my teeth. I don't know. It was meat. It was croissant. It's meat in my teeth. I don't resist any more. By the way, this is... Sorry, I've got something in my teeth. I don't know, it's meat. It was croissant.

It's meat in my teeth. I don't think I've had meat since yesterday lunchtime. No, it's not. It was croissant brought by your driver. No, it was not. It was pain au chocolat. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth,

and that's all the information you need to be going on with. Except that my favourite band in all the world is The Four, and Gareth went to see The Four in Poole. When was it? Poole on Thursday night, Mr Kip's venue. I saw The Four for the very first time. And he hasn't said a word to me. Now, he might be about to say, I'm a complete convert,

or he might, well, what are you about to say? Well, in a nutshell it was both absolutely awful and absolutely brilliant all together. Okay. Not at the same time. This is like losing my virginity all up again.

Yes. So there were bits that were so Marky Smith is a very interesting man. He's the lead singer, for those of you who don't know. Yeah. He looks like... Careful.

A French detective from the 80s. Maybe a French philosopher. And the way he shouts out things that you can't understand fits with the French philosopher thing. Right. And he kind of sort of staggers around the stage He shouts out things that you can't understand, fits with the French philosopher thing. Right. And he kind of sort of staggers around the stage doing things. Things that I've never seen any other performer do before. What sort of thing does he do?

Well, I've got a list of things that Marky Smith does on stage that I've never seen anyone else do before. So the guitarist and the bass player will be playing away there's a guitarist bass player drummer and um a keyboard lady and um they'll be playing away the guitarist will be playing away a really good riff and he'll stagger over to the amp and he will turn the guitar down just completely off can i say this is very fabulous for me because obviously i've seen him do this a thousand times but it's like an alien has landed and saying things like people sitting moving things with wheels and go around the roads he'll turn it off to show you i guess

to show you what it sounds like without the guitar no i think it's to show you that if he turns it off everyone is too frightened to turn it back on again that's what it is and without the guitar. No, I think it's to show you that if he turns it off, everyone is too frightened to turn it back on again. That's what it is. And then he did that to the bass player. So what else does he do? There are a number of microphones on the stage. One pointing at the guitarist, one at the keyboard player, and one at the front.

And you think, oh, they're all going to sing. No. He wanders around and will sing into different microphones at different times. Sometimes he'll sing into two microphones at once. Yes. Sometimes he'll leave a microphone somewhere and they'll have to pick it up later because he's left there.

And if you haven't seen a man who's been a professional vocalist since 1978, have more trouble putting a mic back into a mic stand. He'll push mic stands over. He pushed the cymbals over at one point. Not in a rock and roll, angry sort of way. Just in an old man way. Very gentle. Fell over.

I saw the fall in Camden on whatever it was this week. Did you go this week as well? Tuesday night. I'm the only one that hasn't been. Yeah, Tuesday night. And in walking around, he managed to tangle two mic stands up with the mic lead. And there was another mic tied up. And he walked around with it following him about.

Like, you know when a dog's got a hair out of its bum with a slight tangle on the end? It was like, you're looking at me like you don't know that. I thought that was a bit of observational comedy. You'll go, yeah, I hate it when that happens. Anyway, carry on. He also played the keyboard a little bit yeah yeah sort of yeah the keyboard woman was there the keyboard woman is his wife oh really wow he's done well um he walked over and she kind of moved out the way and then watched as he pressed her key a couple of times. And she kind of looked at it as if to say,

oh, bless him, having a go. It makes me so happy that you're in on the magic now. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's only Jason Manford. Absolute Radio. It's only Jason Manford. Right, Jason, I can only apologise for this. Why are you playing that?

It's so weird. I've decided that's our guest music. It's meaningless. I liked it. Rob Deering was on, and that's the music from The Deer Hunter. Oh, OK. So there was a link. So it's now become every guest.

No, just you. He's just playing that for you. Yeah, I don So there was a link. So that's now become every guest. No, just you. He's just putting that for you. Yeah, I don't know why. It just seems nice. You know, it mellows. You're a very nice, lovable chap. I did chill out, actually. Yeah, exactly.

I relaxed straight away. It's odd because it's quite a terrible film about war. Yeah, but very relaxing, isn't it? Patrick should do that. I like it. He gets a guest dance. Nice. So, Jason, you're not on tour at the moment, are you?

I've just finished. I've got, like, three dates left, just because I weren't supposed to be here, but I just had to change them early on. So it's all Barrow and all these mad places. I think my last gig is in Barrow-in-Furness. Right, OK. Not often where you would choose to go.

Have you got T-shirts that say, No sleep till Barrow in Ferns? Do you know, by the way, that you've got the same birthday as Zola Bod? Have I really? Oh, Frank's got a crush on Zola Bod. I used to have a mad crush on Zola Bod. Yeah, you really did.

It's weird, isn't it, when people get a bit excited when they share a birthday with somebody. Well, it means you must have some... In your inner being, you must share some traits with Zola. Well, we must be both Gemini's, obviously, so maybe there's a... Do you run barefoot, Evan? I imagine there's a lot of that in Solve.

Oh, yeah. Certainly as a child. She chooses to, whereas often it's just because someone's nicked your shoes. I think also Bob Dylan shares your birthday. Does he really? I just know these off the top of my head. Why do you know so much about his birthday? Because it's always struck me that two of the great central figures of

influential figures of my life, Bob Dylan and Zoe, and now Jason Madford. Well, it's weird that when you mentioned your birthday, someone you go, oh, it's 26th of May, and somebody goes, no, I'm the 25th! And you go your birthday to someone. You go, oh, it's 26th of May. And somebody goes, no, I'm the 25th. And you go, so? There's only 365 days.

There's six billion people. I wouldn't know that, Jason, because I never mention my birthday to anyone. Oh, good thinking. Yeah. It's like when it starts to get dark. People say, oh, it's getting dark. Yeah, like last year. Yeah.

Like last year about this time. So you've got, let's get straight into the plug You've got a DVD coming out Is it out now is it? Yeah it'll come out Monday Oh okay Yeah And what is it?

It's just It's actually a dodgy copy Don't begin with just That's always a bad description For something you try to sell I'm not very good at this bit It's just me doing stand up And it's alright

Again the just you see. I know I can't help it. It is that. That's all it is. No, it's good fun. I like it. I very rarely come off stage and go, that was a good gig.

And I did that night. So I was happy with it. And people seem to like it, I think. Can I say, I've seen Jason and he's very funny. So don't point out I never come off stage. Exactly. What does he know? I was watching.

You're being self-deprecating, aren't you? You're not saying you've never had a good gig. Oh, no, the gigs have been good, but I don't go, oh, my word, I rocked that. You know what I mean? So that, I sort of just, it was good, though.

It was a good night, and it was, and the cameras were there, which was lucky to catch that. Do you think you raised your game for the cameras? I think so, yeah. And also, I think, because we did two nights,

so on the Wednesday, I did it, and I thought, that's the one, I think so, yeah. And also, I think, because we did two nights, so on the Wednesday, I did it, and I thought, that's the one, that's in the bag. And so on the Thursday, I relaxed a bit, and Thursday's the one we've used now, because Thursday was actually better than the other day. Always the way. Which is weird over two nights, because I did fancy... Sorry, my manager just fell off his chair.

Did you... You didn't mention your fee or anything. That's normally what hits him hard. On the Wednesday, I thought, because it was over two nights, I thought, could I have, like, a massive beard on the Wednesday? Like, not shave. And then on the Thursday, shave.

So, and I'd just do the set-ups, clean-shaven, and the punchlines with a massive beard. So it just looked like a really long gag. Are you one of these blokes who, when you don't need to shave, you don't shave? No. I'll get to, right over Christmas I'll have three weeks of, I'll get a beard over Christmas. I just think

why would I hate shaving? I don't know, it just seems, I've never quite understood I went away with Adrian Chiles for a week on a sort of road trip to America. And he never shaved and he said, you know, I'm on holiday. I'm not shaving. Yeah, I can't be bothered. Is that scraping your face every day?

Yeah, but it was quite warm in parts and you don't want to go back with, you know when you shave it off and you've got the white lower face? Yeah, that's true, yeah. Oh no, I don't want that. You're a bit fair-haired than me. That's grey, Jason. It's quite gloomy in this studio

but thanks for that. Yeah, it's a sort of silver blonde, I like the color. I like it. Yes, let's move to music while I weep. Absolute. Radio. This is Frank Skinner. We're with Jason Manford, is our guest this morning. Why do you keep playing?

That's what. We didn't learn. It's very short. I like it. It makes me happy. Why don't you just be a bit more giving? That's a lovely bit of knitwear you're wearing, by the way.'s very short. I like it. It makes me happy. Why don't you just be a bit more giving? That's a lovely bit of knitwear you're wearing, by the way. Thanks very much.

I've already complimented Jason on his chunky knit. I never risk knitwear, see. I always think, with knitwear, I only ever get one nice wear out of it. Once it's been washed, it never looks right again. There's an element of that, but I sort of bought it and it looked tattooed and I bought it, so it sort of just stays. It looks good, though. Yours is a bit more zola bud's coach this morning frank

don't you think your look yeah it is yeah my tracksuit top and all that zola bud's coach on about that seat that i bought celebrity memorabilia anyway jay so i have to i know you've been asked about this before, but it's just such a great story. This is what it says on my Jason Manford notes, page 71. Manford, it calls you Manford. That's very impersonal, isn't it? It started with Jason, by now it's got bored. Manford got his first gig when working in a comedy club collecting glasses.

A performer didn't arrive for an evening set, so Manford, who was 17 at the time, stepped in to fill the gap. That's it. That's what happened. And you'd never done any comedy before? Yeah, it was at the Buzz Club. I don't know if you played the Buzz Club in Manchester. Yeah.

Yeah, I just worked there, just watching the acts and that. I mean, I was working, obviously, but I was watching most of the comedy. And then nobody came. There was like three acts coming up from London in a car. It was bad weather, and they didn't turn up. And he was panicking, the fella, and I was watching most of the comedy. And then just nobody came. There was like three acts coming up from London in a car. It was bad weather and they didn't turn up. And he was panicking, the fella, and I went, well, I'll have a go. I quite fancy this.

And he was like, oh, all right. Obviously, better than nothing. Just somebody filling a bit of space. I love it. It's like an Elvis film. You know when Elvis is working with Barney Gates on scenes and everybody knows the backing vocals and he knows all the chords. It's incredible. Yeah, so I just sort of did five minutes. I mean, it wasn't particularly groundbreaking, He's actually in a bar and he gets on the scenes and everybody knows the backing vocals and he knows all the chords and that.

It's incredible. Yeah, so I just sort of did five minutes. I mean, it wasn't particularly groundbreaking, although there is one gag I did that night that's still in my set now, like 12 years on or something. So when I see you live and you refer to the fact you've just been collecting glasses... You can take your glasses to the bar. My job is pointless. Why am I even here? Just take it.

You're going to the bar anyway. But, yeah, so it was good fun, that. But where did the material come from? Had you been harbouring the idea of becoming a comic? Well, after I worked there for, like, six months, you do start thinking, I could do this, you know, and you start having a little dream, like, at home and stuff. And then, yeah, so I had a couple of minutes.

I mean, I only did five minutes, and the crowd liked me already because I worked there, so they knew me, and they were all regulars. So that wasn't the hard gig. The second gig where I thought I could do stand-up because it went so well the first time, and I went to the Frog and Bucket, which is another club in Manchester.

That was really hard because they didn't like me straight away. And I had to actually be funny, which I wasn't, because I'd only done one gig in front of people who knew me, so, but it went well and, I mean, it was like, I mean, I didn't do anything particularly original, it was like, you know, I did a couple of funny answers from Family Fortunes or something from back in the day. Right. You know, and then I had a couple of stories about my family and then, obviously, a comic

sort of takes you to one side and says, you can't just do funny answers from family fortunes on stage. Everyone's had that by email. It's like, oh, right, yeah, that's where I got it. And then it sort of went all right after that. Just sort of some fun sort of family bits and that. And then all you need for the first few years of your career is about seven minutes of material. So I sort of got by on that, really.

Is that right? Mm. I don't know, because I did an Edinburgh show about seven months in. It was an hour. Oh, no, I couldn't have done that. Obviously, I padded it with a bit of glass collected. Actually, I didn't need to collect them. They were throwing them at me.

It is a great story, though. Yeah. Did you have a meteoric rise? You did, really, didn't you? Sort of. I mean, over the space of about eight years, it was a very slow meteor. But in terms of telly, I suppose, and that, yeah. It was more of a dandelion seed.

Do meteors rise? Don't they crash into the Earth? Depends where you're standing. I remember watching one from Jupiter once once and it appeared to be rising. Jupiter, I don't know if you know, is that sex cinema in Ealing. So, what else?

You're on telly a lot, Jason, I think it's fair to say. Do I? Yeah. You're so humble. He's very humble. Can we get across that this is a big, successful, funny comedian? No, I love that he's humble. Well, I am, but it's like when people go,

someone said to me, you're always on telly, you. I went, well, I do like two half-hour shows. At one point, I was doing two half-hour shows a week. I was like, that's not all the time. Trevor McDonald's on telly all the time. He's on every night. He's got his own show. Is he, though?

I haven't seen him for ages. Yeah, he's always on the telly. Is he still on? He must be watching the right show. I thought he was. He's rubbish as well. He's not funny. Hi.

You can't say that about Sir Trevor McDonald. That's the knight of the realm, Frank Skinner. I know, but he is rubbish. He's rubbish. The Queen doesn't get it right every time. Nobody's perfect. Oh, no. I mean, he can read out loud.

That's what he can do. I mean, what kind of a skill is that? He can read out loud without having to hold a bit of cardboard under the words. He's probably got somebody holding a bit of cardboard on the autocue he's warm and nice that's what I think that's what people know

I've never touched him well I presume he's warm I imagine he's dry anyway but yeah no I suppose I am on a bit

well it depends what you do like because people panel shows aren't there panel shows that's the way forward that's what everyone loves a bit of panel, it depends what you do, like, because people, um, panel shows, aren't they? Panel shows, that's the way forward. That's what, everyone loves a bit of panel show, actually.

Well, yes, you know, yes. So, um, because they're just, like, easy to make, cheap to make. So I do 8 out of 10 cats and that, and, uh, and I do Walk on the Wild Side. You might not have seen that. I'm going to be honest with you, I haven't seen Walk on the Wild Side. No, it was on Saturday. It's on page 13 of my... Does it refer to him as

Manford is in Walk on the Wild Side, or is he still Jason? Manford's Walk on the Wild Side. I know what Walk on the Wild Side is. It's that page 13 of my notes. Does it refer to him as Manford is in Walk on the Wild Side? Or is he still Jason? Manford's Walk on the Wild Side. I know what Walk on the Wild Side is. It's that very funny thing with the animals. That's right, yeah. Oh, I really like that. Oh, you just made that up.

Of course it's got animals in it, if it's called Walk on the Wild Side. Well, Lou Reed had a single act called Walk on the Wild Side. Were there any animals in it? No. Don't mention Lou Reed to me. Oh, sorry. Yeah, oh, that's really funny yeah it was good fun

that so that's coming back and that's one of those weird things where the BBC said we want a celebrity in each episode like a big sort of star so we had like

Stephen Fry did one and Barbara Windsor and Sharon and Ozzie and we got Tom Jones and so I thought well Tom Jones what animal's Tom Jones he's a lion isn't he

so I wrote a sketch for a lion and I sent it off to Tom Jones people and then about two days before he was due in I was in the studio and this phone went and said, hi, I've got Tom Jones for you. I went, alright, hello?

Hello, Jason, it's he doesn't call himself Sir Tom but I feel like I should in this story. I'm not very good at the accent. Let's give one night a bit of a boost. It's Sir Tom Jones here. I said, alright. I feel like I should in this story. Okay. And I'm not really good at the action. Let's give one night a bit of a boost. Having slagged off Trevor. He goes, it's Tom Jones here. I said, all right.

He said, I read your sketch about the lion. It's very funny, but I was wondering if I could be a penguin. What? He went, I just, I don't know. I watched a few of the clips. I just think penguins are very funny. Yeah, all right. I mean, I'm not going to deny Tom Jones what he wants. No, that's it. When Tom says penguin.

So the next day I had to spend like two hours writing a penguin sketch. And it's quite a big rewrite, isn't it? Lion to penguin. You can't say that. There's no gadget you can use. I remember that sketch when the penguin rips the antelope to pieces. And I remember thinking, that can't be right. A bit awkward. Absolute.

Radio. Gareth said to me earlier that you gave him some advice about radio. Oh dear. Did I? Yeah, I met you at a party once. I'm keen to hear this, because we could do with some. I think Jason's pretending to remember. I remember meeting you.

Well, what you said was, you said, oh, the good thing about radio is you don't have to be that funny. So it's you that told him that. I've baked my whole... I wondered who told him that. No, what I meant was, because I did radio for a couple of years, is that, you know, you just have to be friendly and humorous. You know, it's not like in a club where you need to, like, people need to be, like, properly laughing out loud. You know, on the radio, if you can, if somebody laughs once in an hour, that's a good show.

If someone does that in an editing show, that's not a good show. No, that's not a good show. A comedy show, that's pretty rubbish. So, I can't remember the last time I laughed at the radio. Do you know what I mean? Well, not listening to this show, clearly. Well, you're listening outside. I have a chuckle, you know what I mean? Well, not listening to this show, clearly. Why are you listening outside? I have a chuckle. You know what I mean?

I have a little... Yeah. Don't just... Oh, God! Stop it! Turn it over! That's what we're working at. You know what I mean?

So, yeah, I meant it as a positive. Well, I don't know where to go from there. You like musicals, it says on my notes. I love it. Me too. What are you suggesting? Well, no, I'm not suggesting, because people always think I am, because I like musicals. Not that it's a bad thing to be honest. No, I agree. I agree, but I have that same thing where

on a Sunday, I'll be driving to or whatever, on a Saturday, I'll be driving to the football with my brothers and my dad in the car and I'll have songs from the shows on on and they'll be like can't you just put the radio on for the pre-match build up. I'm like. And you said no there's more laughs in this. Yeah I'm like listen yeah.

Just listen to Gypsy. It is. I love it. And you'd like to be in one. What would your key role be? I'd like to be Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors, I think. Oh, yeah. I like that one.

Steve Martin played that part, didn't he? No, Rick Moranis in the film. I always get those two mixed up. What would you be, Frank? I see you as the Captain Von Trapp. I quite fancy fagging. Oh, do you? That's a good one.

When my teeth are on the lids, mouth of my hands are footage. Oh, I haven't finished yet. I'm sorry. No, carry on, on Jason you're the guest no because Omid Jalili's in Oliver at the moment

isn't he yeah I've heard that I think that's just talk so there's the comics the comics are doing the comics are doing it aren't they you said when you laugh

at radio you just go oh thank god for that could we keep that Comics are doing it, aren't they? You said when you laugh at radio, you just go, I don't know, you're funny. Oh, thank God for that. Could we keep that as a soundbite? I might need that if I'm thrown unemployed. I met Michael Ball last night. I was doing Strictly Come Dancing, It Takes Two.

Oh, yeah. Where I had to blag my knowledge of Strictly Come Dancing. Yeah. I've watched about two episodes. I was on the phone, I had to do a research chat, and she went, so, what do you think about this series of Strictly Come Dancing? I was on the internet, like, trying to find who was on it. I was going, Phil Tufnell.

I like Phil Tufnell. She went, it's a shame he went out. I went, I know. I know. And I miss him. I miss him. I miss him all the time. I miss him.

But no, it was good fun. I got away with it. But Michael Ball was on. I was on I said I love Michael Ball and he said thanks a lot and I said you're doing because he's like

chief executive executive producer of Hairspray he's in Hairspray though isn't he yeah he was in and now he's like producer on tour

and I said well Phil Jupitus is doing that part now I said when that runs it's course give us a ring, because I'd like to do that. He went, Brian Connolly's doing it next.

I went, all right, forget it. Fine. It was worth asking, wasn't it? Oh, well, that'll be in his mind now. Yeah, you'd be good at that, Jason. That'll be logged in his mind. As a fat woman. Yeah, you'd be good at that.

That is the part made for you. That was a weird compliment. So on that note, I've been insulted, I guess, which we've been so nice to. It's been lovely having you on. That's really nice. And your DVD is called? Live at the Manchester Apollo. Okay, so, and that's Jason Manford and it's out now.

Yes. So go and get it and you'll be- It's not the Hello Wembley one. No, it's not the Hello Wembley one. That's not my one. That's Michael's. No, because I saw that on the... Don't even bring that up. No, I know, but I don't mind.

But I saw it. It is going to sell anyway, no matter how many times I don't mention it. Well, that's true. And I was in Tesco on Monday because I popped in to see what the DVD looked like on the shelf. Yeah.

Right, it's not weird. How did it look? It was good. I liked it. Okay. And saw it and I saw Michael's and there was a woman, this is in Manchester, the one near me Tesco near me, and this woman picked up Michael

She popped it in her trolley And then she turned around and she went I'm sorry And I walked up and I was like What? This is not what I do love You don't want to be out watching other people's DVDs being purchased

It was awkward Jason it's been lovely having you on Cheers Frank watching other people's DVDs being purchased. It was awkward. Yeah, oh dear. Jason, it's been lovely having you on. Cheers, Frank. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We got some texts, didn't we? We've had some texts in on 812. We've had some good texts,

and we forgot to read them out. Well, they're about celebrity memorabilia, and Chris from Basingstoke, or his name's Chris Basingstoke, I don't know. That won't be as likely. Like Eric Morecambe. Yeah. David Essexris from basingstoke or his name's chris basingstoke i don't know that won't be he says like eric morcombe david essex chris basingstoke i have a piece of eggshell from an egg that keith chegwin threw at me 15 years ago when i went to see him in panto worth keeping was he was he throwing it or was he breaking out of it like a lizard baby he does

elaborate he says no he wasn't aiming it at me because i annoyed him it was actually part of the show i love that he's kept it that is a beautiful thing to keep yeah that shows him in a great light tom and surrey says i have a passport photo of zany bobby davro when he was about 20 ish i found it behind his radiator you know when you're looking behind Bobby Davros, the radiator. There's all sorts of stuff. He sounds like a builder to me. Sounds like a burglar. And who is? What does Bobby Davros

do keeping his photographs down the back of the radiator? I felt this week it was my dad's birthday. And you know we went to Adrian Charles' bowling night. This is a very long text No this is me talking You know we went to Adrian Charles' bowling night about his new DVD

and we all got a DVD that was signed by Adrian Charles Did we? Did you not get one? I don't know if I did either This is Adrian Charles too good too bad I'm going to plot you just for the hell of it Well I gave that to my dad for his birthday. That's rather shabby, isn't it?

Well, my new football clips DVD is coming out. It's called Cornucopia, and it's the funniest corners of the 2008-2009. Yeah. So I'm looking forward to that. I think Adrian's will be better. Yeah, and then i think agents will be better yeah and then next week my next in easter i think i've got a throwing copier coming out which admittedly doesn't work as well any other texts hello frank emily and gareth i met muhammad ali at a book

signing in 1992 and the queue was massive by the time i saw him about three hours had passed and he was whizzing through everyone. But he stopped at me and looked at my Muhammad Ali T-shirt, signed it, had his picture taken with me, shook my hand and also signed a boxing magazine and book I had. What a man. I'm David from Nottingham. Can I say that I went to a Muhammad Ali signing in the early 90s and I had a T-shirt on with Muhammad Ali on,

which he looked at in some amazement, and he signed my T-shirt. Oh, he signs had a t-shirt on with Muhammad Ali on which he looked at in some amazement and he signed my t-shirt. Oh he signs everyone's t-shirt. In fact, until you got to the bit about the magazine I thought that was from me. Thought you might have texted in our show. That was so weird. What about this? There's a text from Sandra from Whitley in Surrey. Can I just say that

I've had a real weird experience because Muhammad Ali signed something for someone else at a signing. Sorry. Who is this? Sandra says, we have a signed five-star album signed by my husband. What, so is her husband a Stedman from Five Star or something?

No, I think he just signs rubbish albums. I do it all the time. I've signed. But that's no good. If he's their husband, that's cheating. You can't have memorabilia signed by your own. That's like me. Give me this pen.

Right. Look, I've got a calf signed by Frank Skinner. I told you not to bring in your calf. He has actually signed his calf. It's not signed. It's actually branded. I think we're at the end of the show now What a lovely experience it's been I do like doing this

The great thing about radio, as Jason Manford said Is you don't have to be that funny Anyway, it's been lovely And goodbye from Emily and Gareth And good day to you Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio And good night to you.