The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Jenny Eclair

Episode Date: June 6, 2009

Dave Gorman fills in for Frank Skinner with friends Jimmy McGhie and Emily Dean. Jenny Eclair is this weeks guest.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Dave Gorman on Absolute Radio, with swiftcover.com. For car insurance prices that'll blow you away. Get a life, get Swift Cover, at swiftcover.com for car insurance prices that'll blow you away get a life get swift cover at swiftcover.com absolute radio hello my name is dave gorman this is absolute radio and i'm here with emily and with jimmy and we've just recorded our first live show i know it's so exciting what

did you make of it did you enjoy it i enjoyed it it goes so fast that's always if you do other things like so two hours of television is so uphill and hard work you don't do two hours of television two hours on stage is a stupid amount of time you shouldn't do that long but two hours of radio sounds you sort of view it through that prism and think oh it's going to take forever and actually it just whizzes by it's a completely different thing it was yeah it was lightning fast and you two were a pleasure to be with can i just say i feel really disloyal already do you feel like you have to say that do you feel like you have to say that poor gareth there you know in the hospital waiting room a bag of nerves and he has to hear this as well yeah and we did have when we sort of met on wednesday and we talked about things and we made a few notes

of subjects we were going to bring up and i think we talked about two of them out of maybe 10 or 15 that we'd written down. Because listeners just kept sending in stuff. Great emails. Which is lovely. What is everyone doing up this early on a Saturday to send that many emails is what I want to know. Well, these days people can send emails from anywhere. Do you think they're just lying in bed with their BlackBerrys? I sort of refuse to enter that world.

I still live in a world where I have to go to my computer to engage with things Oh, that's so 80s, I love it I know, but otherwise I'd never go to sleep and I'd have to leave it behind somewhere I'd have to have a place where I go there that's where that happens Have you got a shed? And then I go and have life

Dave's in the shed again, checking his email I wish I had a shed I really do The producer's waving her fingers and do you know what that means? That means it's time to introduce the podcast Yeah Here's the podcast. Yeah.

Here's the podcast. Absolute Radio. My name is Dave Gorman. This is Absolute Radio, and I'm going to make a solemn pledge for you now. I'm going to be here for the next three Saturdays, and I'm never going to use the phrase, in for Frank Skinner. I'm not an American newsreader. It doesn't work like that.

I will say I'm standing in for, maybe sitting in for, I might say I'm covering for, but if you catch me saying I'm in for Frank Skinner, slap me and beat me up. If you're a regular listener, you'll know that there's normally Emily here. And Emily is here this morning. I'm still here. Hello. Good morning. Nice to see you. And Gareth is normally here, but he's away

as well. Yeah, he's having a baby. He's not having a baby, but his wife's having a baby. Okay, so our thoughts are obviously with Gareth at this moment, but replacing him we have Jimmy. Hello. Yes. Good morning. I'm in for Gareth. Don't say that. I know you're younger than me, but it's an American phrase that's

creeping into the British idiom and we need to fight these things. And we don't really know each other, do we? No, we've sort of, well, we met when I was a guest on this show. We did. And we met on Wednesday to have a sort on this show, and we met on Wednesday to have a team meeting, a bonding session. So this is a bit like the first ten minutes of a swingers party, I reckon, where everyone's standing around not quite sure of each other.

That tells us everything about who we are, because you, Emily Dean, think this is the first ten minutes of a swingers party, whereas I was thinking you're like step-mum, and that changes the whole swingers thing thing very hot stepmom would probably be welcome hot stepmom definitely i'm not you know no not casting aspersions uh but you're sort of because you're the regular yes uh you're sort of in charge here you you've sort of you know we're trying to get to know us yeah i won't keep saying oh oh, Frank never does that. That's not how he does it. I bet you do. You're not my real mum.

And this is also, I guess, Big Brother started this week. And you're into that, I guess. I love it. I absolutely love it. Why do you two not like it? Not particularly. I always think I hate it. And then there's a 50-50 chance of me changing my mind halfway through the series and getting into it.

But in the first week, I always take that, oh, no, I hate it. I hate it. No, it's brilliant. There's really good characters. There's this guy, Siavash, who came in in a kind of electric blue suit. And at first he said, Buenos Aires, as a greeting, instead of Buenos Noches. Which is pure Del Boy. That is, isn't it? That is. Munch to you, Robbie.

He was absolutely brilliant. And then, yeah, there were loads of quite hideous characters, which means it's going to be good. And there was another guy who came in who looked a bit like Russell Brand, who said it smelt of Allied carpets, which I thought was quite funny. Yeah, no, absolutely. I appreciate that. I saw a little bit of the repeat on the morning after,

and I only stayed watching it because Davina was wearing a rubber dress um and that was interesting to me uh but i sort of felt like i was watching some school bullies and i had sort of felt a bit awkward and dirty and sullied oh you'll get over that i will i will hard enough and get used to that a lot of school bullies at school uh very close quarters did you just yeah at about three inches from my face bullies they were they were bullying me i saw the guy with the sideburns and he reminded me of early dave gorman when you were he didn't like wolverine yeah hang on now that's that's too teaming me there you with a sort of now you're bullying me so you're going you're saying something which isn't a criticism or a comment just that i used to have sideburns and all of a sudden sudden, I'm like Wolverine by proxy.

They were impressive sideburns, yours. Because I saw a photo of the guy who's supposed to look like Wolverine and just thought he looks like, I don't know, like some fat comedy character version of Wolverine. He didn't look like the real deal. He said at one point, he said, I mean, I'm in great shape. I'm 35, I haven't got a hearing aid. At 35? You're not going't got a hearing aid he must have some really really bad 36 year old friends mustn't he he's just sort of hanging

around making him feel like he's still in good shape i did know a friend of mine said oh they the crowd booed someone because they wore a top hat. And I thought, well, times have changed. That wouldn't have happened in the Edwardian era, would it? You'd have been roundly applauded

for wearing a top hat. That's not good. And we shouldn't really encourage the idea, because people will be listening to this, and the trouble with things like Big Brother

is it encourages this sense of empowerment in an audience, and they'll be trying to evict us. Yeah, we don't evict us if we let them think that they have that kind of power. I didn't realise that was part of the deal. Are we up for eviction? Well, no, I'm just saying if we talk about this often enough, people will feel empowered in that way. And you can get in touch with us. We would encourage that, but not to evict us. You can text us, 8-12-15, phone [phone], and you can text us, 8 12 15, phone [phone],

and you can email us on theabsoluteradio.co.uk and look for the links and get in touch. But you can't evict us. You don't have that power. You can listen, you can join in, you can interact, but you cannot evict. So, you know, tough. I'm going to go into the diary room in a minute

and just tell them how the first five minutes of the show's gone. You are, though, aren't you? I bet you are. There's some website you're keeping some surreptitious blog on. I'm just going to go and talk about my feelings towards you, Dave. I don't like this modern world. I don't understand so much of the modern world. A friend of mine came round to my house,

and he hasn't met my girlfriend And he was looking at my Nintendo Wii Because I'm that modern And he saw her avatar And went oh who's that And I said it's my girlfriend And he went oh she looks pretty From an avatar on a computer game

This is too modern for me I don't understand the world But you do know what an avatar is Well yeah I know that We're not that old Jimmy We know about avatars No I don't know what an avatar is Oh okay Do you know I know that. We're not that old, Jimmy. We know about avatars. No, I don't know what an avatar is.

Oh, okay. Do you know, I'm going to go for the cheesiest link ever right now. Do you know what this conversation is? It's unbelievable.

Absolute Radio. There you go. EMF with Unbelievable. I love that song. You would have told from my cheesy link. I love that song. It's a great song.

It reminds me of my... Did you use to dance in fields to that song? Not in fields, but I was at university and I would do that I haven't actually taken any drugs but I'm pretending to be bears dance look at pretending my eyes are a bit dilated kind of dance now I mentioned that we met on Wednesday yeah as a team and and and this is so basically it's like our second date. But I want to bring something up with you, Jimmy,

which is on Wednesday, when we were having our team bonding experience, you suddenly realised that it was your mother's birthday. Yes, it was my mother's birthday. So you had forgotten your mother's birthday. Yes. And then this morning, when we came in, you said, is there anywhere I can post this? And you had in your hand your mother's birthday card.

You see, the thing is, I've had it for four days, but I can't, I couldn't, I kept forgetting to take it out of my bag. The thing is, this is not, I mean, this is, I forgot her 50th. This is not even... That's terrible. This is not good, this is terrible. Not my actual 50th birthday. There's no reason for you not to have left our meeting on Wednesday

and gone straight to a post office and sent your mother a card well i was in the i was in you know i was i was i was drunk on attention and and the media swirl and i just you know i left and walked around london you know well at least it's a great excuse yeah did you buy her a present no oh no i bought her a car you just said at least it was a good excuse what you mean there was was, yeah, he was excited he'd met Emily. Yeah. I can understand how that would throw him. He'd met me.

The thing is, I was so dazzled by our new stepmum that I completely forgot about my natural mother. This is an awful thing. You're going to have to buy her something really nice. Well, can I do some kind of radio shout-out to make up for it? Can I wish her a happy birthday? Can you not call it a shout-out? I thought that's what it was called.

Well, it is, but it's... I think that's really Chris Miles. DJs. I don't think we can allow that. Yeah, I don't think we should be bigging anyone up. So I'm not on board. Or shouting out. None of us are on board.

Are you on... I don't know what you mean. It's a bit... Yeah. If you want to say happy birthday to your mum on air, you're very welcome to. Happy birthday, mummy. I'm sorry, I forgot to send you a card.

OK. She sounded about nine when you said that. It's because I mum on air, you're very welcome to. Happy birthday, mummy. I'm sorry, I forgot to send you a card. OK. She said it's about nine. It's because I can see her face scowling at me. Jimmy is about nine for listeners just tuning in. Actually, would you also say happy birthday to, I think it's Europe's oldest man, and he's 113 today. Oh. So, you know, that's exciting. I forgot his as well.

Yeah, well, who hasn't? I'd love to know what he's got in his birthday box this morning, what presents he's got. What is the worst present you've ever had? Obviously, you're very bad with birthdays. You've forgotten your mother's. Yes. Any bad presents out there?

I once got £5 for my 18th off a grandparent, which, you know, was nice, it was generous, it was still a present, but I think she was just slightly working on different currency rates. Yeah. I think she thought I was going to go out and buy a Thruppany suit, maybe a trip to the dogs and then a couple of fish suppers and the bus ride home. But unfortunately it was 1998.

I couldn't even buy cigarettes with it. I had a great aunt, I'm a twin, and my twin brother Nick and I used to get, obviously you get the same presents basically because no one wants to distinguish between two twins and my great aunt though she used to give him record tokens and me book tokens and I was so stung by that I was so, a great aunt who

could say yeah you're not as exciting as me. You're the old square. Yeah it was so devastating. In order to make you feel better do you want to know, I've given the worst present actually Oh yes please do share. Do you want to know what it was? When I was about 8 I bought my dad one sheet of sandpaper I'm not joking

and I wrapped it as well and made it look all nice with a bow Can you imagine how disappointed he was What's he going to do with one sheet of sandpaper? I know and he's like a documentary maker he's not even good around the house or anything Honestly one sheet of sandpaper Do you know and he's like a documentary maker. He's not even good around the house or anything.

Honestly, one sheet of sandpaper. Do you remember what grade it was? I don't think I understood the subtlety of grading. I just thought that'll do in the hardware store. That's really not very good. I remember actually my uncle once gave me a shop voucher but it was in the form of a credit

card but he didn't put anything on it. So when I went to the shop to use it, the guy said, no, mate, it pays you go, you have to put money on it. So all he actually did was just give me the card. There was no money on it, no credit at all. Oh, that's a fantastic sort of... So I had to then put the credit on myself

in order to buy the book that I'd chosen for my present. That's a fantastic way of giving a present, because you get all the glory of giving what looks like a really good present in the moment and only later does someone find out how terrible it is and you've left the scene of the crime. That's quality. We'd like to hear what your worst birthday present is

if you've either given a terrible birthday present or received one. Let us know. I'm sure you've got worse than these. Text 8-12-15. Phone [phone] phone [phone] Absolute Radio Absolute Radio. My name is Dave Gorman

I'm standing in for Frank Skinner while he's away for three weeks. Before that we asked you to send us your worst birthday present, either that you've sent or received. Anything on the text and emails? Yeah, we've got some good ones. I've got someone here saying, my mum

got me a t-shirt with a picture of my face on it for christmas we were about 16 and had to wear them when relatives came over it's quite bad oh no i mean i i've been offered things like merchandising deals where they want to do t-shirts with my face on and i won't do them because i i would be i would cringe if i walked into a pub and there was someone wearing a t-shirt with my face on the idea that i would wear my own face is even worse to me that's maybe you could go around the world trying to find people that wear dave gorman t-shirts no i couldn't i wouldn't want to do that so that would just be embarrassing also any you see anyone's face on a t-shirt and you think oh oh, there's a missing person.

And then you'd look and go, oh no, they're not missing, it's them. What a terrible campaign. I found them. They're wearing their own... It would be very confusing to you. Hey, there's another good one. Kathy says, one Easter my dad decided that instead of chocolate he would give me and my sister a bag of dried apricots each. I would have been quite angry about that, I think. That's a terrible...

There's an insensitivity in a father saying to his girls, I think you've had enough chocolate. It's just not nice. There's a brilliant one from an unnamed source that says they received a brand-new light switch for their 16th. 16th? A light switch. A light switch.

Does it say whether it was wired in? They came into their room one day and the switch had changed or they've been given a switch for themselves to wire in? Who breaks a light switch. A light switch. Does it say whether it was wired in? They came into their room one day and the switch had changed or they've been given a switch for themselves to wire in? Who breaks a light switch? How could you possibly need a new... I don't... Also, particularly when you're 16 and you're unlikely to own your own property.

Yeah. It's not a great present, is it? No, it's certainly not. And when you say from an unnamed source, is that your way of confessing? No, it's not me. It's my way of not being able to find the name because i i'm confused by the email system oh jimmy you'll get used to it i'll give

you some lessons afterwards okay that's sorry i didn't mean to sound bit dodgy thank you step okay that's all right i think you should you can you take him under your wing i will and bring him up to speed i do remember receiving a present uh pictures of the my my my father gave me a picture of himself really for for christmas not in t-shirt form no no it was in an ornate sort of a foldable desktop style uh display case and it had a picture of himself in the middle professionally taken pose that is fantastic that was that was lovely was he wearing victorian clothes and was it all sepia those are my my favourite kind of photos. He was dressed as an Edwardian Big Brother contestant. I always find any sort of photo of oneself difficult to put anywhere. One of my local corner shops is run by two Turkish gentlemen

who are either twins or just brothers who are very, very alike. And behind the counter, and it's just a regular corner shop, all the cigarettes and stuff behind them, and then stuck on the wall right behind them is a picture of one of them stood behind the counter, and it's just a regular corner shop, you know, all the cigarettes and stuff behind them, and then stuck on the wall right behind them is a picture of one of them stood behind that counter. So that you're there watching him and there's an identical picture of the thing you're looking at immediately behind him.

And I don't know what it's there for. Why did they decide to take the picture in the first place? I don't know. You just think maybe it's one of the brothers wants to know what his brother looks like when he's there. Even though they look absolutely identical. Maybe it's saving money on a mirror. Maybe it is. I don't know. It's always confused me.

Now, one of the great pleasures of doing this is that I get to bring in some records from home and feel like a 14-year-old boy bringing his friends around and go, listen to this. And this is one of my favourite bands. They're called Misty's Big Adventure. They've sort of become vague friends of mine. But this, to me, is a standout track.

It's the story of love. Absolute Radio. There you go, Misty's Big Adventure and the story of love. And I said it's like being a 14-year-old and inviting your friends into your bedroom. And Emily, go on, tell me, someone's reacted. Dave, already someone's just emailed in saying, waking up to Misty's Big Adventure has made my day.

Bless. Evil is a song of the gods and live they are amazing. Thanks, Steve. Oh, well, that's made me very happy. Now I feel like a cool 14-year-old boy taking his friends into the bedroom. I got away with it. It's a good thing. It's very exciting.

Now, I can tell you, last weekend I was away in Kilkenny in Ireland for a comedy festival. So I was staying in a hotel for a few days. And this thing happened. Basically, you always have a spare toilet roll. You start in a hotel room, there's a full toilet roll on the roll, and there's a spare one hanging around just in case, because they always overestimate the amount of waste matter a human body can produce. And about three days in, the toilet roll that was originally there

was now down below a half. And I went out in the morning and I came back and the cleaners had been in and they'd replaced it with a full toilet roll, which always seems incredible to me. It happens in all hotels. You're not allowed to have less than half of a toilet roll. That sends them into some weird spin of panic. I don't know why they can't cope with that.

And what happens? I'm confused't cope with that and what happens i'm confused i want to know what happens to the spare toilet rolls the the waste ends of toilet rolls because these are the same people who put signs up saying please reuse your towels and do we have to take your sheets away and let's care for the environment and yet they're taking away every half toilet roll that ever gets left which which seems weird to me. I don't understand. Maybe they don't want guests to have to use sheets or something like that. But no, but there's far more toilet... Even for girls who insist on mummifying their hands

in toilet paper, and I don't know how I know that. I've never... I just somehow, by osmosis, have learnt the fact girls will mummify their hands to use it. Even if that's your technique, there is more than enough toilet roll for a 24-hour stay in a hotel. I don't do the mummify their hands to use it even if that's your technique there is more than enough toilet roll for a 24 hour stay in a hotel. I don't do the mummified

hand, I do what I call more like a philo kind of pastry, so it's like folded into about 7 sheets Yeah, but even then a roll and a half is still more than enough for you for 24 hours, it has to be Maybe they re-roll them, maybe there's a man down in the basement somewhere whose

sole job is to just re-roll them back into full perfect toilet rolls that that's well well i'm glad for the employment uh prospects that that hopefully you know maybe that can kick start the economy if we start employing people to do ridiculous trivial jobs like that i don't believe that's what's happening if you work in a hotel can you please get in touch and tell me what happens to the bin ends of toilet rolls are Are they being used in staff quarters? Are people taking them home? I want to know because it's frustrating to me. Perhaps they just use it to bulk out the buffet.

Maybe that's the main ingredient in hotel scrambled egg. It's just all the bits of toilet roll. Oh, you could feel the whole room go, ugh. Have you eaten hotel scrambled egg recently? Yes, I have, but it neither tasted like a toilet roll, nor, I should say, did it lead me to use any more toilet roll than was strictly speaking necessary. If you work in a hotel, in fact, actually,

tell us what goes on behind the scenes in your work. If you work in a shop or an office or a hotel, whatever your place of employment, what goes on behind the scenes that we, the public, don't actually normally see? Let us know. For example, one thing that's going on here is you think I'm playing records and I'm not. There's a producer who's doing it, really, because I'm an incompetent oaf. Absolute.

Radio. Absolute Radio. My name's Dave Gorman. And before that, I asked what happens to the bin ends of toilet rolls in hotels? And I believe, I haven't seen it, but I believe we have an answer. Yes. Someone wrote in and said that they're used in staff toilets. They are. Yeah. I feel mightily relieved by that.

There you go, yeah. It's nice to know. They're going to a good home. That's OK. So long as they're used. It was just the idea they were being thrown away that upset me and offended me. And anything else? We have two topics of conversation going on if you're just tuning in.

You can text us 8-12-15 or phone us 0333-0-1-2-3-12-15. We'd like to know what goes on behind the scenes in your work that the public don't normally know about and also what is the worst birthday present you've ever given or received? We've got a lovely bad birthday from Steve who got his brother-in-law a puzzle in which you have to find the correct combination of cubes to show a snooker table and its balls.

The only problem was his brother is colourblind. Every single part of that is wrong. From the... He got his brother a puzzle. That's already... He thinks it's the colourblind that's the bad. It's actually not. A snooker-based puzzle for an adult male. That gets worse

every clause that you add to it. A puzzle, that's already bad. It's a snooker-themed puzzle. That's really bad. He's colourblind. That's atrocious. There's no redeeming features. This is quite bad as well. Someone says they received a lump of wood from their granny. See, you're good at doing that, and you got your dad some sandpaper.

Whittle yourself something nice, darling. Make your own bookends. And I also enjoyed this one saying, for Christmas a few years ago, my uncle gave me and my three siblings a box of Maltesers to share, which is quite tight, I think. Absolutely, unless it was a huge box of Maltesers.

Yeah, one of those cinema tubs. Yeah, but that's definitely not a high-quality present. I think one of the worst things I've ever had, and Mum, I love you, but she did give me a Liverpool Football Club wallet, which was a leather wallet with a fabric motif of the club emblem sort of sewn on the front of it, which you think, well, you know, maybe when I was 12

and it could have been my first wallet, that would have made some sense. I'd like to interview you out on a date. I'll take care of this. Yeah, exactly. It's all right. And I don't know, I'm guessing that certainly two of my brothers will have received the same thing. It was a Christmas present, I think,

not a birthday present, if I'm being completely honest. It's a birthday present. My twin brother will have had the same thing. And none of us have ever talked about it, and I'm sure none of us are using them. When you go home, do you have to take the Liverpool wallet and transfer all of your cards into it? Well, that is the other thing.

I wouldn't get my mum a handbag because I know my mum is an adult who has a handbag. I'm an adult. I must already have a solution for carrying money around. I don't need a new solution for carrying money around. It's not something that you're thinking, oh, that guy, he's always spilling his credit cards. They're all over the place. He needs a wallet.

Mums just think about those things, don't they? They think, oh, Dave, he probably hasn't got one. He'll probably get him the place. He needs a wallet. Mums just think about those things, don't they? They think, oh, Dave, he probably hasn't got one. He'll probably get him a wallet. He needs a wallet. I think there's a thing where you sort of casually mention something once in passing to your parents, and all of a sudden you seem to be a huge fan of it. So I think when I was 16 or something,

I once said something about quite liking Dennis the Menace. And then the next year I had a Dennis the Menace T-shirt, a jumper, Dennis the Menace socks. I'm not in the fan club. That's true, actually. My brother said he quite liked the Spider-Man film. So I think for his 29th birthday I bought him strap-on wrist Spider-Man goose squirters. Like web throwers. Which I thought he would love love but obviously he was nearly

30 and yeah no exactly i think there's a story and it's you know sort of tinge with sadness obviously uh there's a guy whose funeral was sort of doctor who themed and he's tardish like coughing uh and and i think that's probably what happened here he's probably just someone who quite liked doctor who he probably said it once. And now everyone's going, it's what he would have wanted. He probably wanted a real, normal funeral, just like everyone else. Did they play the theme tune?

I don't know. Actually, I think everyone, that would be good music to be going into the flames in. The Doctor Who theme. Regardless. I want Happy Days. Do you? Yeah, because it's one of my favourite programmes.

Which one? Because there were two themes to Happy Days. Well, there's only one proper one. Do you want your pool bearers to be dressed like Fonzie? Yeah, I'd love that. I would love that. And to look like Fonzie. Really?

I'd love that, yeah. OK. Well, we can add this to it. What music would you like for your funeral? We'll add that to the list. What's the worst birthday present you had? And what goes on behind the scenes in your job that the public don't normally know about?

Absolute Radio. I'm going to paint a little picture for you here. I can't actually see the screens where your emails and your texts are arriving, but Emily and Jimmy can. They're sort of fielding them for me. And something that I don't know made them giggle. So please share with the team. There are two that I like.

One is my brother got me six packets of crisps for my birthday, which I thought was rather brilliant. I love the idea. It doesn't specify, but was that one of those big bags that contains six bags that you get from the supermarket, or was it actually six individual bags, which is even worse? Thoughtfully chosen. And this from Daniel says,

my grandpa gave me a present of a photo frame containing a photo of a black fox, which he thinks is my dog. That's how it is. It's the story between the lines there that's really lovely, isn't it? He thinks that's my dog. What is this relationship between the boy and his grandfather? How did he take the photo of the black fox? Is it a regular visitor?

He thinks it's in the present tense. It's not he thought it was my dog. the boy and his grandfather. How did he take the photo of the black fox? Is it a regular visitor or he thinks it's in the present tense? It's not he thought it was my dog. Now I don't know whether the man has a dog and the grandad has mistakenly thought a black fox was that dog or there is a

regular visiting black fox that the grandad has assumed is actually a pet dog. I don't know. There's complete confusion reigns. Please, can you email in and tell us? Please clarify that situation for us. We've got a very worried Michael who's concerned about the light switch because it seems that he also gave a light switch as a present and he's now feeling pangs of guilt.

And he says, you know that light switch that was given, was it remote controlled? Because I gave one as a birthday present to my nephew for his bedroom so that he could get into bed and then turn the light down or off. You know, it hadn't occurred to me, we are obviously going to induce pangs of guilt in people. If we reveal bad presents, there's always going to be someone listening who has given one of those presents. Yeah. And they're going to feel terrible. If the nephew's listening, we need him to pop on his light remotely

and send us an email clarifying whether it was a good or bad present. I think it's fair to say that when we discussed the bad present of a light switch, none of us imagined it being a remote control.

We all just imagined it was a light switch someone had to wire into the wall and deal with. That sounds very James Bond and state of the art. Yeah, modern. Do you think it feels better now?

Yeah. The reason with practical presents are always slightly problematic. You know, you don't give your mum a vacuum cleaner. I like them. You like that. Yeah, I've been given windscreen wiper blades, things like that. I think they're all good stuff. Do you have a car?

I do, yeah. Or are you getting a car in installments? Is that what's happening? Over 20 different birthdays, different components of a car are going to arrive. I'm getting a bonnet this year. I'm so excited. I like the idea. You go, oh, an alternator. It's just what I've always wanted.

Everyone's going to have to clarify what colour the car's going to be, otherwise it could end up being a mess. Absolutely. But you're confident you can build it? I think so, yeah. I'll put it together. Any practical present? No, I once had...

No, I remember my mother receiving an electric carving knife from my dad on birthday and i think she cried because it was such a terrible present no that is so because actually even if you divide the sort of roles in life in in sort of gender division even if you go with the most traditional role one of the man's jobs was carving that would be you know my dad your mum might go and do the Sunday roast and dad would do the carving. That's when he would step in. And by buying that present, he's saying,

I'm not even taking that part. Well, he was busy with his one sheet of sandpaper, obviously. What do you think? Yeah, he was going to polish up the roast with your sandpaper while your mum carved. Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio. My name's Dave Gorman. I'm standing in for France Skinpaper while your mum carved. This is Absolute Radio. My name's Dave Gorman. I'm standing in for France Skinner while he's away. While that was

all going on, there was a moment where Emily and Jimmy had to sort of gather around a computer screen to giggle together and see something that I wasn't allowed to see, which either means someone sent in some cruel and mean abuse about me, or someone sent in an amusing birthday present that they've received or sent.

There's a couple of quick ones. I just have to wade through all the anti-Dave because I can't find it. All the bile that's coming through about. It's just keeping up with it. We can combine two of our topics because Colleen from Buckinghamshire got a pack of four toilet rolls

from her aunt for her birthday. I wonder if when they got down to half her aunt replaced from her aunt for her birthday. No. I wonder if when they got down to half, her aunt replaced them. I would hope that she did. You can't give toilet roll as a gift. Personally, I would be happy to accept toilet roll as a gift. Really? These practical little things, fine.

Are you living in one of those houses where it's a really important issue? Is it shared accommodation? No, unfortunately, when we run out, I turn to other you know like oh my god i still don't want to know that no i mean like kitchen roll or my sister's eye cleanser wipes or whatever's handy and she doesn't she doesn't like that okay hey listen to this when my son was 12 he gave me a stone for my birthday i found i found out later my husband had given him money to get one and he'd spent it on sweets i love the thought process because you could you could come home and say no i got robbed somebody i'm somebody mugged me i had some money i was gonna buy no no he's picked

up a stone in the garden and thought that will cover it somehow which he knows it can't cover it he knows he's gonna get found out that's ridiculous exactly this is terrible i did once i once when i came back from a holiday i got my mother a toad and it has a a ridged back and you run a little thing across his back and it makes a toad sound yes i've seen those they sell them in the airport in bangkok basically it's taurus tat uh only i told my mother that i'd watched it being hand-carved by Cambodian monks in the middle of the jungle, and they dyed it with berries to colour it brown, and she still tells that to everybody. You know how earlier you apologised to her for missing her birthday? She won't be listening now.

Oh, OK. She'll have given up after ten minutes. Once she heard her apology. Yeah, that's all she was in for. OK. Now, one thing we haven't mentioned, and you have a sort of present, which is sort of flawed, because you've lost your phone. I lost my phone, yes.

I lost it in the big shopping centre in London, the new one. Yeah, and you've got your sister's phone as a replacement. Yeah, which was lovely of her to give me her spare phone. The only problem was she didn't tell me that it has the Sex and the City ringtone loaded on it. I had no idea that this was coming until I started to receive calls on it in front of you guys. Did it ring at lunchtime?

Yeah, it did, yeah. Whose phone is that? Can we hear this? OK, let's ring it. The thing is, I'm such a phone numpty that when I tried to change it on the bus, I just ended up playing it longer, so people thought I was sitting listening to it.

Oh, right, OK. It's obviously been changed. I'm obviously not a much of a phone numpty. You've built us up for nothing. Oh, sorry. Ah, right, okay. It's obviously been changed. I'm obviously not a person with a phone numpty. You've built us up for nothing. But that is the most metrosexual thing you could possibly have. Well, look at me. I'm a pimp. I've got two phones. I feel quite cool. I've got on my

phone, Frank says that do you feel like the new boyfriend? And I'm always going on about the ex now. Yeah, absolutely. Frank always says that my phone sounds like Cliff Richard's car alarm because it's church bells ringing. I'll play it to you one day.

OK, but Saxon City, I think, has got to be the worst ringtone going. Jimmy is struggling with his phone to try and... I can't work it. The thing is, it's not even polyphonic. It's one of the old style dotting rings. But we have previously discussed how you're incompetent at changing it. Someone else has changed it and now you're going to try and change it back.

You'll get trapped in a vortex where it just becomes your permanent ringtone. It's a dangerous thing. Very excitingly we have a guest coming up and it's the wonderful Jenny Eclair. So we'll be talking to her after this, which is MGMT. Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio.

You're probably aware of that fact. My name is Dave Gorman. I'm standing in for France Skinner. You're probably aware of that fact by now also. I've got Jimmy and Emily in the studio with me, and our guest, Jenny Eclair, who we're all very excited by. And you've sort of come in like a whirlwind. I guess I thought I had to be quiet for a moment then.

I was sort of sitting with my hand over my mouth, not talking, because they said you had a free play or something. I didn't know quite what was going on. No, no, that's coming up shortly. OK, that sounds to be quite exciting. I think what you've done, when that record was playing, you've sort of gone through all of us, saying, OK, Dave, have you got a girlfriend? What's going on?

A career for you, you should be an agony aunt. Well, yes, but I'd be quite spiteful. It depends whether I liked the person or not as to whether I'd give them good advice or not. Because some people just annoy me, you know, like young pretty people, that sort of thing. If they wanted advice, I'd just give them really bad advice. Or say somebody said, cut all your hair off.

Yeah, cut all your hair off. Maybe eat some more pies. hair off. Yeah, cut all your hair off. And maybe eat some more pies. Stop washing. Yeah, yeah. Get really smelly. And start picking at your face. Pick your face. Pick, pick, pick. Or say someone said, you know, can I have some advice about being

a young comedian? I wouldn't give them any advice about that. No. I'd say, you know, no, you're not very funny. So no, I don't think i would there's a weird thing because because i i one of the things i love about grumhill women is actually i think it sort of allows you to um be no be more more you than you sometimes wearing your stand-up more more true to yourself absolutely and what's really weird is because once i realized that people didn't hate me automatically as myself i've been able to sort of go out on stage much more as myself.

And this is an interesting thing, not for many people, but I've always thought, oh, I've got to have a support act. I can't do two halves by myself. But, you know, with the current climate and all that kind of thing, and you young lads are quite expensive. Recently, I've decided to... I'll point out that when she said young lads, she wasn't looking in my direction.

No, but Dave was once. He once did support me. I have done support me, yeah. Do you know, the worst thing about my career is that most of my support acts have gone on to be much, much more successful than me. It's an absolutely galling thing. You know, I take these young boys

and I put them in the back of transit vans. I teach them everything! Everything, damn it! And then, Matt Lucas, Noel Fielding, yourself, you know, all these, and I'm left there, stood in the back of the transit van. What's going on?

It shows you've got good taste. I'd forgotten what the question was as well, Jen. Don't worry about it. But no, I started doing a question and answer session, which is what all comedians do when they've run out of material. And I found that I can improvise and people sort of are quite interested in asking me questions

and then I sort of can make comedy up as I go along. But there is also, there's a sort of, like, a teenage girl level of spite behind a lot of what you say. Even the fact that you say, I don't approve of people going on holiday when I'm not on holiday. It's as if the whole world can go on holiday when you are and not on holiday. What I've realised is that the most crushing blow that's ever been dealt to me is having to realise that the world doesn't revolve around me.

It's one of those things that I'm sort of naturally optimistic. I wake up in the morning thinking, it's just marvellous. Maybe it's Christmas Day. And then my mood kind of wears off as the day goes on. And by mid-afternoon, I'm a complete bitch. So it depends when you catch me as to what kind of eclair you get. Well, I'm glad we got you early. Yes.

I'll say that. Yes. But I am genuinely quite happy at the moment because I am very excited, obviously, about being on tour with Grumpy Old Women Live. There's a website. And we've really got to push Peterborough because it didn't get in the brochure. So that's the only one that's selling quite slowly so Sturdy Stumps Peterborough

there's a theatre called the Crescent and then after that we're in Wimborne, Tivoli Warwick Arts, sounds like it's selling very well you'd be very lucky to get a ticket there Crawley and Winchester two gigs in Winchester so that's all good Excellent, I love it, I think there's some weird sort of nexus

where the sort of childish spite that we would despise in a 13-year-old girl becomes acceptable at a certain age. You're suddenly allowed to have all that spite and bubble forward. I'm not sure it's ever acceptable, really, but I do enjoy it. I think I've got an enlarged spleen. Is that what it is? I've got a spleen that needs daily venting. I see it inside of me sort of pumping.

Yeah, I've got an enlarged spleen. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'm Dave Gorman, standing in for Frank Skinner. We have Jenny Eclair in the studio, who is the easiest interview in the world ever, because she asks her own questions and then answers them. Do you know what, Dave?

You're not standing in for Frank. That would be ridiculous. Can you imagine presenting a radio show standing up? Though that's apparently what Russell Brand does. He stands. A lot of people what Russell Brand does. He stands. A lot of people do. I don't. I think the joy of radio is just sit down.

Well, you've even taken your shoes off. Yes, and I can only apologise for that. And you're doodling as well. Yeah, I'm doodling. I'm scribbling all over the studio. Now, in an effort to keep all the balls in the air at the same time, I should remind, we have been asking you what is the worst birthday present you've received or sent and we've

had a couple more emails and texts in. Yeah, we have. We've got someone saying, one Xmas my dad gave my mum a necklace sized box and when she opened it, it was a calculator so she could use it for food shopping. Oh no, that's... I had a really bad Christmas

present once when I was about 13 or 14. I really wanted platform shoes or make-up and stuff like that. My mum bought me an angle-poised lamp so that I'd be able to see my homework more clearly. That's really depressing. And the fact that you must have known what it was immediately as soon as you saw it wrapped. It was a big box and I just thought,

well, that's really, really, really disappointing. Never. She ended up with it round her neck, obviously. But so another one, another email you've got there. Yeah, we've got someone saying, Bill gave his twin brother a tennis ball with 50p sellotape to it. That's quite bad.

Some genius ideas. That's from Joe. It's what it sort of reveals about both the giver and the receiver and what they think of each other that I love about this as a topic. But I think, you know, in these days when nobody's got any money, a good idea, if you're really struggling today, say, like, a friend of yours has got a birthday and you think, well, go to any old second-hand shop, get a second-hand book, right,

preferably by quite a famous author, then forge the author's signature. You know, if it's a really old one, nobody a secondhand book, right, preferably by quite a famous author, then forge the author's signature. You know, if it's a really old one, nobody really knows. No, absolutely. Nobody knows what Agatha Christie's signature actually looks like. Just do it. Just say, lots of tons of love, Aggie. Maybe not that. Yeah,

and don't do it in a green biro. No. Sorry, there are giveaway signs. Think about it first. That's what we're saying. But, you know, you could get like Paul Gascoigne's biography from a second-hand shop, and then you could do it with Green Biro quite badly as well, maybe. You could do it with blood and spit. You said it, Greg Orman, not me.

Yeah, you could just dribble. It would be believable. Yes. So I've got to go now, haven't I? Because she's just looking at me nervously. So I'd just love to just plug one more time that Grumpy Old Women are back on the road. We've got this spring-summer sort of seven-date tour, mini-tour.

Go to www.grumpyoldwomenlive.com and you'll get loads of information there. It is a very good fun show. I'd say it's fun for all the family but it probably isn't. You should probably leave teenage boys at home because it would really upset them. But I think it's sort of it is empowering in a

way that the sort of Vagina Monologues was but actually you'd feel a little bit better going as a bloke than you would do that. But it has that kind of empowerment. The word empowerment Dave, you've really spent far too long in the USA, haven't you? If I could reach you, I'd slap you for using the word empowerment. Do you know what? You can reach me and you can slap me.

Right, OK. There we go. Now we both feel much better. So, God, that's two boys I've slapped already, and it's not even ten o'clock in the morning. What a lovely morning it has been for Jenny and Claire. She's come in, she's slapped us about a bit, she's conducted her own interview, which has been a joy, because, you know. But that's what I do at home as well.

No, it's lovely. By yourself. By myself. In your kitchen. Hello, me. And guess who I'm talking to today? That's right, me. Oh, I love your world. It's the world I want to get into.

Even I get bored of me. I have to go and put myself to bed sometimes. I go, shut up. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. My name's Dave Gorman. I'm covering for France Skinner. And right now, the studio is like one of those dusty American towns

that's just been hit by a whirlwind. Jenny Eclair has been, made her presence felt, and now left. I've got post-traumatic stress to sort left. It's like the Roman Empire. It's like being visited by a relative that you love but you're really scared of not being good enough for. So you're cleaning skirting boards that have never been cleaned and waiting for her to arrive. I hope she likes us. I hope it's okay.

It's really kind of quite intense as a process. Enjoyable all the same. Lots of things we wanted to talk about we sort of planned and we thought we'll bring this up and bring that up and we haven't really got around to them because uh thank you for your contribution listeners you've been texting us so much yeah so much on the emails and the text so we haven't got round to loads of things we wanted to talk about so maybe we'll bring those up in the next few weeks i think the the black fox

which we don't know we still hasn't been clarified that situation maybe next week we can get clarification on whose granddad thinks what is actually the dog and i don't understand the tennis ball with the 50p sellotape is good yeah although a friend texted me also on the the black fox a friend texted me to say that a mutual friend of ours went back to her parents and her parents have a bar in their house and behind the bar was a photograph of what she assumed to be the long dead family dog and she said oh that's nice and then she had a closer look and it was actually a picture torn from a magazine that her dad thought oh that looks a bit like the dog i'll put that there here's a similar kind of uh theme uh it. But no, we really do appreciate it.

Have we had any others while this has been going? Yeah, we've got... Somebody said they gave their friend a cabbage on their birthday. No! Yeah, which is quite bad, I have to say. And someone else said... Unless you're playing the Cracker Jack game and they gave them lots of presents

and then they gave them a cabbage and they dropped them, then that's not fair. Someone else says, my husband bought me a doormat for Christmasmas i'd be quite upset with it that's a weird sort of that's a there's a code going on there yeah someone who's living at home who for their 21st was given a suitcase by their parents well that's that's not a fairly there's no subtlety in that is it that's time to move we wanted coded messages uh we're running out of time thank you very much for your company this morning, people.

And I'm talking to the listeners, but also to Emily and Jimmy. It's been a pleasure. Thank you, Dave. Much appreciated. Thank you. Coming up is Kelly, who is covering for Joe Russell. It's all covering this morning. God, everyone's on holiday at Absolute Radio.

It's absolute chaos. That's what's going on. But this is Bruce Springsteen. Dave Gorman on Absolute Radio with SwiftCover.com for car insurance prices that'll blow you away. Get a life. Get SwiftCover at SwiftCover.com. Absolute Radio.