The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Jo Caulfield

Episode Date: January 23, 2010

On this week's show Frank reveals that he doesn't change his pants for 48 hours, Emily confesses to her work wardrobe nightmare and Gareth comes up with a unique designer challenge for the podcast listeners.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio podcast thing. We must get a set title for it.

We don't know what it's called. I bet Chris Evans has got a name for his one. Oh, yeah, he said it'll be called The Chris Evans Show. But if I call it The Frank Skinner Show, people say, wasn't that a chat show on the telly? And then I feel like it's something that I've lost rather than something that I've gained. You know?

That kind of Heather Mills feeling. So, what? Frank? I was on about love. rather than something that I've gained. You know? That kind of Heather Mills feeling. Oh. What? Frank? I was on about love. Oh. You people. So, yeah, we did the show,

and you're about to listen to it, probably. And even if you don't, don't worry, because you've already registered as a download. That's all we need. And we had Joe Caulfield, who I really liked. Oh, all them evenings. What is it, that thing that Peter Sellers

says about Russia? Someone in All Right Jack, they say, have you ever been to Russia? And he says, oh yeah, all them cornfields and ballet in the evenings. I was just thinking all those Caulfields and ballet in the evenings. That's what I was just thinking.

So yeah, so that happened, and we talked about that. It was an odd, it was a show where i felt i wasn't completely in control of myself i love the fact that most people use podcast to promote the show and you do you give a very honest appraisal of what you genuinely deconstruct it yes how you felt it went no but i think the people i think at the same time people do like a sense of listening to someone who is a bit like you know when you run down a grassy slope that's quite steep and you can't stop i don't know i once saw the um the chinese state circus and an alsatian pulled round

and a small cart pulled a panda sitting in the back of a cart blowing a trumpet round and round the ring and there was a very strong sense that the cart was was was slightly out of control right the dog was going a bit too fast that i think that the cart had taken its own momentum and the dog was no longer pulling he was being slightly pushed and you could see there was a wobble because obviously that what the panda wasn't doing is leaning either to the left or to the right, as one should do when you go around a bend as a passenger. So all through this, there was this... ..of the panda blowing this terrible horn.

And there was a sense of anything could happen. And that was what my soul felt like to die. I was the panda in the chinese state circus alsatian drawn car um a novel by beryl bainbridge um i think that'll do i hope you enjoy the podcast absolute radio i just i'm gonna open, this isn't going to be rude, I just went to the toilet and not sitting here. I mean, before I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't,

I didn't just go and dig, oh, no, not there. Give it a couple of hours and what with evaporation. So I was in the toilet and there's a mirror in the toilet, obviously. Oh, it's unflattering, that mirror. Is it? Yeah. You haven't seen the mirror in the men, obviously. Oh, it's unflattering, that mirror. Is it? Yeah. You haven't seen the mirror in the men's toilets? Oh, haven't I?

Oh, haven't you? Oh, haven't I? Ah, ah, ah. We didn't have a jingle for that sound, so I had to do it in my mouth. I don't think anyone would have noticed, to be honest. So, um... That's the morning! Oh, goodness.

So, let's start the sound again. You're in the toilet. Looking in the mirror, right? I've done everything. I'm looking in the mirror, right? I've done everything. I'm looking in the mirror, just as what the one does before leaving. And this morning, I'm wearing a pinstripe jacket with a grey sweatshirt underneath.

And I realise that that is basically Chris Evans chic. And I never, I would never wear a, I'd never wear a chic. I would never wear a sweatshirt under a pinstripe jacket. I mean, and it reminded me of that... Have you seen that TV advert that he's got at the moment for his radio show? And basically, it's him playing...

It's all these people really loving the show, right? But he's playing Twist and Shout by the Beatles. So you can see... And he's singing along, but his mic's not off, but he's singing along, right? So you can't hear him singing along, but you can in the studio. And, like, there's people up dancing in the street, Terry Wogan's having a great time. And I'm thinking to myself,

this is not an advert for Chris Evans, is it? This is not saying people like... This is an advert to say people like the Beatles. Right? Because as soon as he says, Good morning, Great Britain, the advert ends with a suggestion. Then everyone's going, Oh, the Beatles. Right? Because as soon as he says, good morning, Great Britain, the advert ends with a suggestion that everyone's going, oh, no.

And it changed over straight away. So who does an advert saying, the Beatles, very popular? And he's wearing a spotty shirt, I noticed, in that advert. Well, at least he's not wearing a grey sweatshirt under a pinstripe jacket. I'll give him that.

But that pinstripe jacket, I like it, because it's quite casual. It looks like you might have found it on the tube. Found it on the tube? No, but it's got jacket, I like it, because it's quite casual. It looks like you might have found it on the tube. Found it on the tube? No, but it's got that casual look to it, which I quite like. Yeah, but found it on the tube is not casual. That suggests that a homeless person has had their dog wrapped in it. Maybe.

I've got wardrobe stress at the moment, though, much worse than yours. Because you know I've got this posh new job. Oh, yes. Yeah. In case you don't know, Emily works for InStyle magazine. Yeah. Not InStyle magazine, which would have been like that sort of pig-breeding journal.

That would have been marvellous. Or InSoul magazine about odour eaters. Yeah, I did think that it was called InSoul. That was a genuine mistake. But anyway, so everyone's so fashionable there, Frank. Well, they're going to be. Yeah, they're they're amazing these girls so i have this terrible wardrobe crisis i'm not going out i'm spending every night in doing wall charts of what my wardrobe is going to be for the next day so say if you wore the same outfit twice in consecutive days which i often i

always think as a shirt has got two days in it right and if you wear something underneath it definitely yeah oh god easily then but if i wear some underneath it i figure that's got two days in it as well i wear most i wear jeans for like a week right because you know you've got plenty of things keeping everything away from me i don't unless you spill something really bad i don't think there's ever a need to wash jeans. Oh, my God! Well, I think you have to wash them eventually, but you can spill quite a lot on jeans and it not be noticed, I find.

But I'm going to be straight with you. Pants. Calvin Classics from the market. Pants, 48 hours. Oh, my God! No, I think that's... 48 hours? Pardon? Solid. 48 hours solid. Oh, my God! No, I think that's... 48 hours? Pardon?

Solid. 48 hours solid. Oh, solid. No, I don't sleep... Not that they'd be solid. I don't sleep in them, no. No, but I... There's two days in a pair of pants.

Two days? Yeah. No, no, I don't. No? No! Well, I'll rush these into forensic. And we'll see who's right and who's wrong. Socks I change every day.

Can I make that clear? Oh, you're spoiling us. You change your socks every day. So you think the foot is worse than... Don't go any further with that. I think socks, my socks seem to smell more than my pants. Can you believe I'm talking about this? I mean, I've got two degrees in English. Can you believe that? I think socks, my socks seem to smell more than my pants. OK. Can you believe I'm talking about this?

I mean, I've got two degrees in English. Can you believe that? I had a short story published in the Sunday Times magazine and here I am talking about what smells more, my socks or my pants. How the mighty have fallen. This is what happens if you take the mickey out of Chris Evans on British Radio. Some sort of demon comes down upon you and robs your nose in you. As long as he doesn't rob his nose in my pants.

Absolute. Radio. So, anyway, we were just talking about the fact that Emily is working for this high fashion, a sort of devil wears Prada kind of magazine. Is that fair? Other clothing for Satan is available. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that's very much what it is.

Yeah. Yeah. It sounds very stressful. Oh, it is, because then also everyone wears designer clothes. You can't wear high street, because if you go wearing high street, everyone knows, because they're all fashion experts. But that's high street. Yeah.

That is. Everyone knows where everything you've got came from. Absolutely. That's awful. What about, right, if we got our listeners to make clothes for emily oh god i don't i believe the average absolute listener is a 38 year old man i can't sit on the tape measure around their neck and a large pair of scissors i'm not having them measuring me up i think they would would like Emily's measurements. Maybe...

Gareth, what are you suggesting? Maybe we could put online a cut-out version of Emily so they had something to work from. Well, maybe we could put Emily's measurements on the internet, right? Sorry, this is when I've said something that might just upset Emily music music from Daily Triffid. Excuse me, I'm very proud of my measurements. I think you are quite right. I can't shut the Triffids up now.

Triffids have gone crazy. Oh, there they go. That was hips and waist, I think. So, no, you're quite right to be proud of your measurements. Good on you. Then no one else at work would have clothes like you'd be wearing. So, no, you're quite right to be proud of your measurements. Good on you. Then no-one else at work would have clothes like you'd be wearing. No, that's certainly true.

And let's face it, today, you two are both dressed by Sue Ryder, I believe, as the designer you're wearing. Oh, no. I do this thing where I... I like to lay my clothes out on the night before. Do you? But not for fashion, for weather. I like to guess what the weather's going to be like. So when I get up, there's almost like a little man on my bedroom chair.

So I put... I don't feel I want to put... The socks that are waiting, they're in my shoes at the foot of the chair, and then the jeans are lying on the chair, and the shirt's at the back. So it's like they watch over me during the night. You see, I do a similar thing, but I hang them all with hangers.

So it's like a pipe cleaner woman. I hang them all on the back of the door, so I can see what they look like. Oh, no, I don't like hanging... I wouldn't hang up a shirt in the night. I fear I might wake up in the night and think it was a spectre. Hell spectre? It could be a spectre. Phil Spectre? It could be Phil Spectre, yeah, which would be...

Oh, I had a terrible experience with Phil Spectre once. You had an experience with Phil Spectre? Oh, dear. What happened? I might tell you after. I mean, it was bizarre in many ways. But, anyway, dot, dot, dot. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. I'm getting some real stick from the people here about my wearing pants thing. I just think it's disgusting. Two days? It's not disgusting. Bear in mind, that means I use, well, I don't. My cleaner uses less washing powder. Consequently, that, you know, there's probably less, there's probably two polar bears alive that wouldn't be alive if i wore my pants more often yeah but i don't believe

you've just started doing it i think you have been doing this since 1973 well you didn't know about that then but i wear i mean some of those pants aren't around anymore many have disintegrated during the night no but i think you're being... I think it's a... There's no need. I can't even tell you how I... There is need. It's called hygiene. There's nothing wrong...

That's the need. Yeah, but everything inside it is... I keep everything meticulously. I don't want to know what's inside it. I don't want to know. I floss. Oh, my God. What was...

Yeah, I'll tell you what. It's just coming up to half past eight. Now, according to what I read this week, for mothers, right, this is the most stressful time of the day. This is when they feel most unappreciated and stressed and upset and close to tears, this time of the day. So we thought we'd just have something a bit sweet and lovely for you, just to show you what I appreciate, right?

So this is like... Imagine that this is you speaking, this is your inner voice. Oh, often... You're still with me? Oh, often have I washed and dressed And what's to show for all my pain? Let me lie abed and rest

Ten thousand times I've done my best and all's to do again. Oh no, it's the A.E. Houseman. Of course. I mean, I just chose it at random. What's the chances? God,

in case you don't know, there's a thing at Absolute Radio I've got this thing against A.E. Houseman, the guy who wrote The Shropshire Lad. And if you read any of his poetry on lad, or even just mention his name, the whole thing goes... Do you think Chris Evans has got an A.E. Houseman alarm? No, I doubt it. I think he's got...

His alarm probably goes off if he mentions a joke. Oh! So that was... I'm only saying that I've got the same outfit as him on today. I've got nothing against Chris Evans. I think he's a very talented individual. What was we talking about? Phil Spector.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Phil Spector. You were about to name drop. Yeah, no. Well, I had a phone call from... This is a few years ago, from a friend of mine who lives in Melbourne. Melbourne, which I think you can win tickets to win to holiday thing, absolute plain holiday day thing. God, you're good

at this. Freeze Christian O'Connell. Just an anagram of an announcement, station announcement. So she phoned from Melbourne and said, I've just seen an award ceremony in which Phil Spector received a Lifetime Achievement Award. And he spent the whole speech slagging you off. What, you? And I said... You, Frank Skinner? Yeah. And I said, what?

She said, it's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my life. How are you on his radar? Well, what happened was this. I did a show with... Are you familiar with a performer known as Mr Methane? Oh, yeah, I do. Mr Methane, he breaks wind. I think we can work that out. He's called Mr Methane. Oh yeah, I do. Mr Methane, he breaks wind. I think we can work that out, he's called Mr Methane.

Well, I don't know, not everyone did chemistry. So Mr Methane wears a green Lycra jumpsuit and he breaks wind in time, you know, to things. So I, on my chat show, you remember my chat show? Oh yeah, that was on telly. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I can't believe I brought that up there. Anyway, I used to have a chat show.

Yes. And on that, I did a duet with Mr Methane. We did the do-ron-ron. Oh, God. You know the do-ron-ron? Did you change your pants for it? No. I hope he changed his, though.

So we did the do-ron-ron and I went, Mary made a party and the heart stood still and Mr Methane did the da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da but not with his mouth. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm just not going to do it.

So it was more hilarity. Everyone thought it was hilarious and I thought it worked quite well. Because if you do a song on a show, you have to clear the song. You have to get the permission of the writer. So they said, well, what is the nature of the thing? And we said, well, I just do a duet with this other comedian. We didn't mention the element, the special me thing. The element.

I'm trying to think of a word there, but every word I thought of just seemed wrong for this time of the morning. Distressed mothers at home, children. So, people driving. So, we didn't tell them, we didn't go into detail. So, they got really outraged about it. And, in fact, I brought it out on video

and the video company got fined something like £130,000. Because of Mr. Meek? Well, it was my fault, I suppose. But anyway, he got up, Phil Spector, and said, you know, I'll tell you what he says, how artists are treated in the modern world. The British comedian Frank Skinner, he said, took one of my songs, a song loved by a lot of people, he said, and he dragged it, he dragged it through,

and he told the whole... I don't know if he did that. I hope he didn't. But, yeah, he got really upset about it, apparently. Absolute. Radio. I've had a stressful week, I'll be honest with you. Why?

I had a big row with a girlfriend. Oh, Frank. It was. And the thing is with a row, is that thing is what you do sort of post-row, you know. And I know some people say, oh, you know, I make love and it's really brilliant after a row. I don't know what they say in that voice,

but that's how they always say it to me. Even people from the North East say, well, okay, here's my idea. Do I really make a... I don't get it. Anton Deck did it to me the other night. Weirdo. So, but take the sex thing out of it, and the...

Oh, can I say... Hold on, I'll just check the... Absolute manual. I can't. Take that out of it, and the chocolates and flowers. What do you do? What do you do at the end of a row to sort of make things right again so um i i i took a long shot and i took my girlfriend after two days really two days of tension two days i know yeah it was it was a

war of attrition oh it wasn't unlike um first world war in that in that respect um i was certainly up to my neck in mock and bullets but um so i took her to uh by way of smoothing things over i took her to a wc fields double bill wc field at the british film institute you know wc field yes i do but i don't think it's very romantic if you actually don't know wc fields is an old comic from the 30s who spoke like this. And there's a bit where this little kid, baby Leroy, puts grapes through a hole and it lands on W.C. Fields' head and he picks them up and goes, Shades of Bacchus!

Which I thought was one of the funniest things I'd ever heard. Kat did laugh. Well, I'm not surprised. It is quite a weird choice, Frank. What about when Harry met Sally or something? Oh, well, anyway, I thought it was a good thing. We sat through the whole thing. I laughed like a drain. I don't know what it means either, but I did.

I laughed like a drain. And Kat sat there not laughing at all. Didn't she? And I thought, oh, my God, she's having a terrible time. And then after, I said, oh, what do you think? She said, I thought you were brilliant, really brilliant. Oh, that's good. I said, you didn't laugh at all.

She said, no, I didn't laugh, but I thought it was brilliant. So that's girls. Oh. But, yeah, so I was, because we have had rows. We've had, I mean, she threw a frozen loaf at me once. And that's quite heavy, a frozen loaf. A frozen loaf of bread. So did she get it out of the freezer to throw it at you?

What do you mean a frozen loaf of bread? What else could it have been the freezer to throw it at you in a frozen loaf of bread what else could it have been a frozen loaf of i don't know the things come in loaves don't they what nitrogen yeah the nitrogen loaves what you get off the chemist no she threw a frozen and we have we have a small metal bin in the kitchen which we put tea bags in oh yeah i've seen that yeah well yeah well that that was severely dented was it and the frozen loaf it stands now as a monument to that row because it's always going to have the frozen the frozen loaf oh it's embarrassing then when you do things like that isn't it well it was you know i mean luckily that the after shock of it lasted not too long so she was able to get it back into the freezer before it perished

so those of you thinking well you know that's all right throwing frozen loaves and there's people in lasted not too long, so she was able to get it back into the freezer before it perished. So those of you thinking, well, you know, that's all right throwing frozen loaves and there's people in the third world who don't even have freezers. It's all very well him wearing his underpants for two days, but if he's taking out frozen loaves, will he really? Yeah, throwing them around, yeah.

I once made an ex-boyfriend sleep on the sofa for some unspecified crime. I think he got back five minutes late or something. Fair enough. No, but he was steaming drunk, so I said, you're not coming in this bed, you're sleeping on the sofa. And I said, and you're not having any covers. I wouldn't let him have covers when he was freezing.

I said, no, that is your punishment, you'll have no covers. And in the end I agreed to a compromise where he could have a Superman towel and that's what he slept in for the night. That's all he was in for the night. That's all he was allowed to keep him warm. Did you have a Superman towel in the house or did he have to go and buy one? I mean, that's not... It's wrong.

My sister-in-law and my brother, Terry, they had a big row. This is years ago. They're very happy now, can I say that? And he went away for the weekend with the lads. She told him not to go and he went away for the weekend with the lads. She told him not to go and he went anyway. And she cut every item of his clothing in half. I mean everything.

Her hands were calloused from overuse of scissors over the weekend. She'd cut a pair of black leather slip-on shoes in half with a pair of scissors. I mean, through the rubber sole. The shoes alone must have took her an hour to get to. And the clothes as well. And everything, he had everything done. But on the bright side, at least he had a load of funky waistcoats. That's how I'd see it. No, but they went down the middle.

Oh. Yeah, so he just. So they're directional. It could be a fashion thing. A directional waistcoat. I might try that. I might go into a shop and say, have you got any directional waistcoats?

Oh, I'll have a look. There might be one in the back room. Yeah, that's what they all say. I'm not being fobbed off with the old back room directional waistcoat trick. Oh dear, I'm meandering now. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in entitled, Am I a Freak?

And you might not be pleased to hear why. Is it from the elephant man? I was going to? And you might not be pleased to hear why. Is it from the elephant man? I was going to say, he's following technology. God bless him. It's from someone called Sarah. I've had a phone message from the elephant man. It says,

Must have been a mouse. There was a mouse, I think, in the phone box. He hates that. Luckily, he had a small stool with him to stand on. It's from someone called sarah okay and she says i recently attended a workshop on working with children we were asked to tell our colleagues something they wouldn't know about us i said i fancy frank skinner and everyone burst out laughing this made the man hold on just a minute and everyone burst out like did she did

she do a kind of a funny face or something when she said it? I don't believe so, no. I'm sorry to tell you. Maybe when she said your name, they thought of some of your material. And laughed. Yeah, and laughed. I think you can have a level of funniness when just the name. Yeah, just a good name. She said the man in charge came over and said

it was the strangest thing he'd ever heard on one of his courses. The strangest thing he'd ever... I wouldn't mind, but it was Derek Okora. And it was still the strangest thing you'd ever... I wouldn't mind, but it was Derek Okora. And it was still the strangest thing you'd ever heard. The strangest thing you'd ever heard on one of his courses. Not that strange. I mean, I don't claim to... I ain't no oil painting. Right?

I say, I ain't no oil painting, but... Oh, we were meant to leap in there and say, oh, no, you're really good looking, Frank. No, forget it. Too late now. OK. I think there's an element of the Laughing Cavalier about me, and maybe Sir Edwin Lansley as Monica the Glen. But... And Stephen Tomkinson in a certain light.

Yes. You've been mistaken for him. I don't believe he's an oil painting. I have been mistaken for him, but to be fair, I had been in a car accident that week. Nigel Lithgow? People have seen me. Oh, yeah.

I do say I look like Nigel Lithgow. That's true. Someone tweeted me to ask if you're related to him I said I thought not Well I don't know I'm supposed to be doing that Who do you think you are thing So it'd be great if I find I'm in some ways Lithgonic

He's your evil twin I think he seems quite nice Frank Nye He's got lustrous black hair I really want to run my fingers through her. I do. It looks really lovely, well kept. I think Nigel Lithgow's hair.

What was the... Anyway, so Sarah says, the upshot is... Yes. I'm sure Frank's girlfriend fancies him too. Are we freak? She says freak, not freak. Are we freak? Yeah, are we freak?

Okay. Are we human or are we dancer? Well, I think I'm one of those would-but-shouldn'ts, aren't I? I think I'm in the same category. No, shouldn't-but-would you are. Would-but-shouldn't. Am I shouldn't-but? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, shouldn't-but-would. Doesn't matter, does it? We're not here to argue about syntax on Absolute Radio. Yeah, I think I'm one of those. I'm one of those, you know, it might be a bit weird and obviously the pants would have halved that catchment area now. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had some texts in, Frank. Well, things are looking up because usually we send in, we set a kind of a thing for people to text in about and I just forgot i just forgot this week so that's why we haven't had many texts sorry everyone i don't doesn't mean i don't love you i just forgot things are looking up even more for you because remember that woman um text in to say that she fancied

you and everyone laughed at her i'm not there's no judgement here. I'm just reading out what the listeners said. Maria has texted in to say, Frank, any man... The most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Oh, it's creepy. Go on. Frank, any man

that can make you laugh is gorgeous. Keep it up. Any man that can make you laugh is gorgeous. Also... Well, I laugh at Peter Kay. Where does that leave us?

I don't believe that either. No, I don't. no i don't i'm sorry so that to sound more clever it doesn't count if you tickle them either that really no the fact is i don't care how funny you are in the bedroom i don't care how funny they are i want you to be good looking end of story well i think that's true of most women i think they're sorry they they i'm not saying it's a bad thing i might lie and say otherwise but i want you to be good looking but it's true of men as well i wouldn't go out with joan rivers you know i'd rather go out with um jordan aka katie price if it came down to it if push came to show i'll have peter then jordan is a river jordan it is that's true that is the river you've gone biblically i love you when he goes biblical oh i love it always g that's true, that is the referent. You've gone biblical again. I love it when he goes biblical. Oh, I love it.

Always. Gareth's biblical corner. It's fabulous. He's virtually leather bound. So, yes, I, well, no, it's a lovely thing to, I mean, thank you for sending that in. But I do, I was at university once. Yes.

And I remember I was trying to get off with this girl. It was very nice and very bright and I was turning it on. I mean, it was like a gig. I was using props. What sort of props? VT clips. PowerPoint presentations.

Guests come on. I think I had Russell Grant come on for an hour. Did a comedy star chart. And in the end she chose this an idiot i mean he didn't he wasn't even at university he just used to come in and do cleaning but he was very he was good he was good looking i mean yeah a good looking idiot and i thought so that's what life's about is he yeah and some women say oh yeah i like a man who can laugh me into bed how do you how how much gusto do you have to laugh with

to actually move someone into another room? Can you... Get off me! It's not... So, you know, it's a lovely thing, but I think basically women like good-looking people, and I think men do as well. Yeah.

I mean, in the main. Yeah. I'm all right with it, you know. I'm happy women like mean people women like mean people yeah yeah david baddiel's always been popular yeah um what today what women i think so they always like the boys that aren't nice at school this is all my love well a woman said to me that... He's obviously been scarred by an experience.

A woman said she was seeing this bloke and what really put her off him was that... put her off him was that he bought her flowers. Hmm. That's terrible. I know, and that... So that was seen as a bad thing. Now, if he'd gone...

If he'd set fire to the house, she'd have said, oh, he's a bit wild, fantastic. Something about him. He's mad, but I love him. But bought flowers and do a nice thing, oh, he's a bit wild, fantastic. Something about him. He's mad, but I love him. But bought flowers and do a nice thing, oh, no, a bit boring. But we have to live with that. Absolute.

Radio. Joe Caulfield, who is currently on tour, with a tour called Joe Caulfield Won't Shut Up. Yes. Yeah. See, that's put me off you. I thought, oh, God, she's going to be overbearing in the extreme. Well, it's also that thing where some people read it the wrong way as though there's something slightly wrong with me.

You know, like it's some sort of condition, and they go, oh, she's got that condition, you know, the won't shut up thing. But I think it was one of those things like the Edinburgh show where they ask you in February, oh, what's your show about? And you've no idea, you haven't written it. So I thought, oh, catch-all title is that I will be talking in the show so that's why i thought thank god you didn't discover mine although i did have i had some japanese ladies walk out of my show this year but they walked after after five minutes and you go how can you dislike me that much after five minutes

they were disappointed you shouldn't have started with that pearl harbour stuff well they also they didn't they would have liked a bit of mine they They actually said to the woman on the door, is it just that woman talking? Is there not a show? Will she change her clothes? So, wasn't enough just to stand up. Yeah, I think that's an expectation problem. Yeah. Oh, what a shame for them. They thought you were going to be some fabulous performance

artist. Exactly. Oh, well. I don't think you should feel bad. If anyone's going to walk out, that's a great reason. It is, yeah. Now, I was talking earlier on the feel bad. If anyone's going to walk out, that's a great reason. It is, yeah. Now, I was talking earlier on the show about the fact that I lay out my clothes the night before. In a slightly creepy serial killer fashion. No, I lay them out on the bedroom chair. In fact, my clothes are the only person that ever sits on the bedroom chair, because I never do it.

Oh, that's nice. But Jo just revealed that... I prepare my breakfast the night before. Now I've thought, what I do, I just said, because they always ask you to say what you had for breakfast, and they test the mic, so I said, well, I was going to have a boiled egg, because I was going to pre-boil it last night, so it's ready for me. And I do that quite a lot, because a boiled egg,

it takes nine minutes, which you don't have in the morning. I thought it took four minutes. Oh, I thought it took three and a half. If you want to die of some salmonella, yes, four minutes. I like it well done. And then the excitement in the morning of opening the fridge, and it's like an egg, but it's cooked. Well, I mean, it is an egg, but you know what I mean?

But I couldn't do it because I dropped all my eggs, completely forgetting that, oh, if you drop them, do you know what? They smash. That is true, though. That is actually true. You'd think they'd have sorted that out, wouldn't you? I know. What a bad design.

So I'll prepare breakfast, and I completely understand the putting the clothes out. Yeah, but my problem with the clothes, they don't go cold overnight and a bit clammy. But surely the joy of a boiled egg is that bit of steam when you break. A cold boiled egg's a different kind of thing. But what is worse? A slightly cold?

Well, it is a cold boiled egg. Or no boiled egg? Well, that's this week's phone-in, ladies and gentlemen. What is worse? These are the exciting things I'll be talking about in my show. So where do you live now? Because we've got your information sheet here, and it says that Joe Caulfield is thinking of leaving London,

and then it also says... That I live in Edinburgh. You live in Edinburgh. Yeah, I know, I don't. I think I said in an interview in Edinburgh that I was going to live in Edinburgh, you know, to make them like me. And...

But, no, I do definitely want to live in London. I've lived here... I suppose I came here when I was 17, very excited, and the site has just worn off. And so I do want to leave, but not quite sure where. My husband wants to leave too. He does want to live in edinburgh because he's scottish so he's decided where he wants to live but i haven't yet decided but you oh right but you're going to go to the same place well we'll see how it works out you know this could be a good way of going well see ya you know so that's why i

thought the talk quite good for going around places and finding out about them and seeing where i might like to live now let's get let's get the brass tacks out the way you're on tour uh when does that tour begin at 28th of january next which is my birthday is it well blow me well there's a big night out for your birthday fairham you can come to yeah you'll probably take us to a wc field stubble bill joe that's the kind of thing that's not do. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, so it starts in Fairham. Yes. Is that Kent or Surrey? No, Hampshire.

It's sort of between Portsmouth and Southampton. Oh, I would have got it if you'd left me. I've got a list of Kenties here. That's a good game to play. And how long does it go on for? And it goes on. I don't mean goes on, actually. Yeah, but...

Because I know you won't shut up, that's well known. It goes on and on and on until, I think, until, and I know when, the end of April. Okay, so anyone living in Britain... Anywhere. ...basically can track down Jack Walker. Yeah, 49 dates, so it's absolutely everywhere. Marvellous. And will it culminate in Edinburgh?

I am... No, I'm not going to Edinburgh, actually. No, I'm going to Glasgow, Aberdeen and Dundee. But I can safely say I don't think I'll live in Dundee. Well, I don't know. I went to Dundee and had a fabulous trip round the DC Thompson offices where they do the Beano and the Dundee. Oh, right, yes. It's one of the great happy days of my life

there's only been about four that is a joke by the way i'm a very happy person i don't want elton john phoning up and saying oh i hear i hear there's an unhappy celebrity knocking around better get him over to nice to my single for him yeah i don't want that absolute radio this is frank skinner absolute radio with joe Caulfield is our guest this morning. And we were just talking about the fact that Jo used to be a waitress. Now, I've always found waitresses very alluring. I think it's because they're bringers of nutrition. Oh, because they're bringing you food, that's what you like,

and they're caring. But I'll tell you what I'd like to ask you, Jo, is I can never get the attention of waiting staff in restaurants. And do the gesture, and they always walk past me. I'll tell you what I'd like to ask you, Jo, is I can never get the attention of waiting staff in restaurants. Either they... And do the gesture, and they always walk past me. Now, is that deliberate? Do you... Did you used to ignore customers because you couldn't be bothered?

Not because you couldn't be bothered, but if you've taken a dislike to them. Oh, dear. Now it's come out, Frank. This has took a turn in for the worse. Yeah, you can't... And it can be... And we're...

You know, there's no rhyme or reason into why a waitress would go off you. Really? Yeah. And we're very... You know, there's a tiny thing and go, that's it. You know, sometimes if you're too quick to ask, it's like, I'm getting there.

And they go, well, now you're going to have to wait. Or complaining in a loud Birmingham accent, maybe. No, it's not about... No, I'm sure you try to be very nice. You have to be nice because you're famous. So you have to be nice to waitresses. Oh, you do? Yeah.

I think I always was, though. I used to be extremely nice to waitresses. But no, I don't do that anymore. Right. Yeah. Well, now, but I find, if I get to the level of going, excuse me, which I think I see as failure. Yeah, it is.

Oh, you've raised your voice now. It's like dealing with children. You've raised your voice. You're as bad as them now, aren't you? Yeah, but I find, or when a dog barks, apparently it encourages them to continue barking. Did you know that if you shout at a dog, apparently they think you're barking as well? I bet they do. Of course they do.

Why wouldn't they? Yeah, so they think, oh, this is great. They think barking is clearly the order of the day. Let's go for it. Yeah. But I have thought often, you know, and I'd be nice, but there's something you just get really annoyed because nobody really wants to be doing it when you're doing it.

Everyone is trying to do something else and then realise, oh, I've been trying to do something else for ten years. I am actually a waitress, right? And so there are times where if someone annoys you, you go, right, I can ruin your evening. You don't think that? Yeah, yeah, I did. Towards the end when I was really, you know, it's like people who've been in a war too long. You get a bit kind of stir crazy and you go, no, I'm really going to take it out on people.

And I couldn't be nice anymore. I'd done it for too long. But weirdly now I get kind of a thing going i'd quite like to do it now because i like the rushing around and the did you ever do bad things to the food joe uh yes i have no god no it's true that does happen yeah if you because there's nothing more annoying than people please everybody learn this if there's something wrong with your food tell us immediately nicely go it's cold whatever it is yeah and we don't mind changing it because we know if we're nice to you and we can

show our love we get money from you so no one ever minds you complaining yeah you'll never go out for dinner again now but the worst thing is people at the very british thing the end of the meal going well my wife's this was cold and we didn't like this and you go what's the point now what's the point now so then you know if someone's frightened to complain before in case you go and spit in their food so they would spit it now i wouldn't i didn't spit i would uh rub the ice cubes if it was i've rubbed ice cubes on my shoe that was my thing everyone had their own thing of what they thought you know because i would never do the spitting but other people oh no you did ice cubes on the shoe that's much better dog mess is is somewhere better than phlegm

everybody had their own thing yeah which is worse don't mess up i don't get cold egg or no egg yes it's still the lines are still open on cold bar egg 12.15 What about cold boiled egg With dog mess on it And also there were things Some people are so nice I remember once And this is when I was saying to you that I thought I might have served you Because it was in this restaurant in Hampstead

Surely you'd remember Jo I remember David Baddiel coming in Well we used to get the stars George Michael used to come in all the time and we all used to worry about him because he never ate his whole dinner. No. No, he would pick it up.

Well, I imagine he collapsed face first into it. And he would always, at that time, he had a lady beard with him, always. Oh, really? Yes. And George Martin would come in because the Air Studios was round the corner. Now, George Martin, the Beatles producer,

has got one of the biggest bottoms I've ever seen. Did you notice that? Really? He was always seated, you see, when I was young. Yeah, has got one of the biggest bottoms I've ever seen. Did you notice that? Really? He was always seated, you see, when I was gone. Yeah, I imagine that you'd had a special sofa for when George Martin was in. Big bottom, really? Yeah, very big bottom.

You couldn't push George Martin over. He's like a weeble. He's a big man, you know. Next time, if you ever see him again... I will, yes. Staring his bum for a long period of time. He's pyramidic in many ways. I say, yes. Stare at his bum for a long period of time. He's pyramidic in many ways. I say pyramidic.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds announced this week. Just sit down before you get this news. Do you mean the RSPB, as our youngsters call it? Yeah, it's them. The Roosevelt!

Yeah. They're going to do insects as well. They're going to do insects? They're going to look after... Is that how it's said in the press release? They're going to protect insects as well as birds. The RSPBI. Yeah, that's what it's going to be.

What about birds that eat insects? Isn't there going to be a... Well, they're going to have to separate them. it's going to be. What about birds that eat insects? Isn't there going to be a... Well, they're going to have to separate them. There's going to be a conflict of interest. If a bird starts eating an insect, they're going to wrestle it. No, I don't think those things... I don't think they worry if it's animals against animals, or I don't think they intervene in nature.

No, OK. I think it's just people stopping people doing stuff to animals. I must say, I've come round to this, because when you watch I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, and people like, you know, they've got Jordan lying all over them. Not only some people, insects, I'm thinking of Dane Bowers. You know, they kill loads of insects in those trials. I mean, and think nothing of it.

Now, imagine, it's because they're small. Let's go, how high, how big do they have to be? If you used, let's imagine, voles. If you put a load of voles into a plastic head thing and they all got killed as Jordan rolled over on them, people would go crazy, right? But insects, it's all right. I shed no tears for them.

I mean, the only insects I like are, if they're aesthetically pleasing, that's how I judge whether they can live. So ladybirds... But you're like with people. Absolutely. Ladybirds love them. Oh, no one would kill a ladybird.

I love a ladybird. Earwigs, I'm sorry. I've got no place being in this world. To me, it's about size, you see. Oh, it's always about size. If I see a small, like you always about size. If I see... If I see a small... Like, you can't even see what it is,

just a dot moving on... Say I'm in the air, so I'm like... Oh, like a gnat? Yeah, well, I'm like a louse of some kind moving through the hairs of my arm.

It could be a flea. It could be a flea. I'd just kill that, right? But if it was just, say, twice the size and I could make out the distinct leg or maybe a carapace of some kind, then I couldn't kill it.

I would have made a good near-sighted Buddhist monk. Because I wouldn't be able to see the little ones then, so that would be fine. But no, I have got quite touchy about... What about a cockroach? Oh, I couldn't eat anything else. I'm frightened of spiders, right i so i used to kill them i mean i used to if i saw a spider in the house i would destroy it or in your two day old underpants i would i had to get the cleaner in to get rid of the you know what was left on the wall i mean i absolutely i

couldn't allow for the fact that one leg might be moving around the house at night when i was asleep but now i don't do that Now my girlfriend puts it in a glass and we put it in the fridge and Joe Caulfield has it for breakfast. Spider cocktail. Love it. I have spider cocktail as well. That's why I'm out of here. OK, so that's basically the show.

I'm going to see West Bromwich Albion play Newcastle United now, which is odd because I made that match because I picked that game out of the... Oh, you're responsible. Yeah, so it's like I've created a football game that I'm now going to go and see, because I did the draw for the fourth round. You're like a mad scientist.

I am, yeah. You dress like one as well. Well, thanks very much. That's OK. I think it's Chris Evans chic. Anyway, all together now. Come on, baby, now, come on. Are you listening, tell?

Twist. OK, that's it. I don't want to go. That's the simple thing. Oh, please, let me just end. Good day to you. Absolute Radio.