The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Jon Richardson

Episode Date: November 28, 2009

Frank wants to know if you have any pets with unusual names, Emily has news from beautifulpeople.com and Gareth discovers that he looks like an Ocean Colour Scene fan.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, we did do a radio show and it was a lot of fun. We did some jokes

and our guest was John Richardson. I thought there isn't enough folk music on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with Emily and Gareth. Hi, Frank. And, yeah, we just did the show you were about to listen to. And I loved it. I really loved it. I laughed.

I mean, I laughed at The Guardian. That was a creak was my chair, not my spine. I thought it was my spine for a minute. John was nice. Yes. What do you mean by that? I just meant he was nice. Every male guest we have on doesn't have a partner.

Leering going on. Am I like that when we have a female guest? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm looking forward to you listening to it. What about that? What about that for a conundrum? And dog names?

No, pet names is what we talked about. We talked about pet names. Yes. For pets. Yeah. For pets' names. Well, they'll find that out soon enough if they're going to listen. I don't know.

The trouble is with you saying that. If anyone, one of their pet hates is pet names, they'll think, oh, I was going to listen, but now maybe I'll leave it at just the intro. Absolute. Radio. So, you know, we arrived this morning, we picked up the newspapers, we sat around chatting,

and the big story is that Tiger Woods has had a car crash. Massive row with his wife is what he's had. Is that? Well, we don't know that. That's allegedly. You're like Roland Ratt's legal people. Yeah, they asked him and he went, yeah. Yeah, so apparently he drove out of his house at 2.15am into, first of all, a fire hydrant, which was only, like, you know, just up the road as well. A fire hydrant.

Now, in films, if ever anyone drives into a fire hydrant, you get a big jet of water. Oh, you get a big whoosh. Yeah, so I was hoping, at Tiger Whoosh, I was hoping that when the police arrived, he'd be bobbing up and down on top of the jet of water, like one of those balls that you get at the fair. That would have been, help!

Get me down! But he didn't. He hit a fire hydrant say just up the road, but apparently you can only drive about 380 yards. I looked him up this morning, that's what it said. He's a funny looking bloke, Tiger Woods. I think he looks a bit like David Guest.

Don't you think he does? Has he been in a fire as well? He looks like he might have been. He's been in a fire, I'd think. I know what you mean. Yeah, he's not as cool. How can I put this in a politically correct way? I always think of black men as being cooler than white men,

I'll be honest with you. I mean, I'm not beating myself up i i can live being less cool but he seems not that cool to me do you know what i mean yeah yeah i imagine he's incredibly dull well no well i did think now but i must say he's gone up in my estimation since he's had a row with his wife he's a fire hydrant and then driven into a tree at 2.15 in the morning. It doesn't take much to win me over. So I kind of... But he's called Tiger, so presumably there is something crazy about him, unless he's got very bad stretch marks.

Why did they have a row? Apparently he's been cheating on her, allegedly, with a party hostess, comma, 34. Well, the one thing about going out with a party hostess, that's your party sorted, though, isn't it? You say, oh, it's my birthday on Thursday, I'll leave that with you, Janice. I think that's fabulous.

Oh, dear. Well, I would never, I can't imagine ever leaving my house at 2.15 in the morning to drive. Oh, I've done it loads. Where are you driving to at that time, dare I ask? I'm just my house at 2.15 in the morning to drive. Oh, I've done it loads. Where are you driving to at that time, dare I ask? I'm just driving around. I have done that when I've had rows. Don't you do that?

When I've had a row? Yeah, just get in the car and drive. No, that day after leave. Right. I tend not to row in the air flat. Also, I go out with the homeless quite a lot, so there's nowhere to storm out from. Absolute Radio.

I have an envelope in my hands. What's in that envelope, Frank Skinner? Well, I'll tell you this, and some of you who listen to the show regularly will know, or even if you just listened last week, actually, that will do, is that we were talking, there is a website called beautifulpeople.com, and it's a dating website, and to get your photo on there and all your stuff you have to qualify as what they call beautiful so that you send your photo in and they let you know whether you're beautiful or not and it's only 12 they said they only accept

12 of men and 15 of uk women yeah well i think they would accept more i don't think that's a policy i think that that's what percentage of UK men and women are beautiful. Yeah. They actually, they said in a survey that we are the ugliest people in Europe. So Frank said that I would never be able to get onto this website. Did you not, Frank? I don't think I said that. You did.

I don't think I said that. You said, oh, well, you might pass. I doubt it. Oh, I just, you were so confident. I pass i doubt it oh i just you were so confident i was worried you know you were overconfident it's like a child taking their exams i just wanted to put the idea in your head that failure was a possibility that's all oh well you succeeded my friend right but we have the results in yeah the result the result the producer printed these off this morning so no one knows and i is me listening. The envelope is being opened. There you go. The envelope is being opened.

From beautifulpeople.com. Dear Emily, the members of beautifulpeople.com have cast their votes. I don't... They are pleased to inform me that the majority of members on beautifulpeople.com found your application very attractive

and granted you membership. Yes! How do you like them apples, Frank Skinner? So the majority of members, so 51%. Yeah, exactly. It was a tough... I mean, there was three recounts. Yeah, it was a bit like when George Bush won. I mean, there's a lot of debate. It was all a bit Florida.

In fact, it sounds a bit like the Afghanistan elections to me with you as the car's eye. Anyway, so... I should say, though, Frank, I'm so happy. Hold on, I haven't finished yet. Well, welcome to the beautiful people community. Now, I don't like the sound of that. Well, that's all right, because you're not in it.

No, I'm glad I'm not in it, because in the main, I find beautiful people extremely dull and vain. I once went out with a catwalk model i'll be honest with you not for very long she was 17 i was about 61 at the time and um she honestly said to me this is not a made-up quote she honestly i said she was saying oh god i've got to shoot today i i i getting photographed i hate catwalking i hate clothes and um i said is there anything you like natalie and i said is there anything you like and she said uh cocaine and ferraris and i thought that this is this is not gonna last is it so um and then it says, welcome to Beautiful. What do you want to do next? It says.

Oh. What does that mean? I don't know. What next? Is that an invitation of some sort? Well, I suppose you have to, if you're on there, I suppose you have to, you can appear in certain categories. Oh.

I am imagining you're in the skirts of town category. Fuck. I did have to submit about three pictures. So that's... Because everybody... And it was from ten years ago, and it was airbrushed. Everybody has got one nice picture.

I don't care who you are. The elephant man would have had one photo where he looked all right. Yeah. Everybody's got one of those. It's what Tyra calls your best shot. Yeah, exactly. And it was my best shot.

It was ten years old, and I did knock seven years off my age. You didn't. I did. Well, if they're listening to this, surely there'll have to be another meeting of the beautiful people. No, because it's... It's a bit early for them.

Obviously, they've been having their beauty sleep. Karen, can you... Oh, God. I mean, why wait me at this time, Mark? You know I'm too beautiful to get up this early in the morning. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, it's a bit of an emergency. I've turned down someone like that at their age.

I mean, what, he could go on forever, couldn't he? That's my view. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. The other thing I liked about that Tiger Woods thing was that he said his wife came out the house with a golf club, broke the back window of his car to get him out. And I love the fact, if you're Mrs Tiger Woods, you think, oh, what can I grab?

Oh, there's a golf club. So if Pete Doherty was in a crash, his girlfriend would break the back window with an opium pipe. If it was Bruce Forsyth, it'd be one of those when you punch the glass, but you use a toupee to stop cutting your hand, but you're just grabbed on one by the stand. Like a stand by the door next to the coats, you imagine.

And I've got Stuart Broad's cricket bat, so I need to ideally have a row with the cricketer. Yeah, ideally Stuart Broad, I suppose. But why smash the back window to get someone out of a car as well? Was he driving from the back seat? No wonder he crashed the fall. He's so used to being driven, he got into the back seat and thought, oh, the car's not started.

Reached across, off he went, and he's just in the back like a fool sitting there. Are we sure that she smashed the back seat and thought, the car's not started. Reached across, off he went. Knees just in the back like a fool sitting there. Are we sure that she smashed the back window with a golf club after he crashed? Or was that what she was doing as he was driving away? All the papers said that she was hovering when they arrived, which would be worth seeing. That could be a misprint.

She could have been hoovering when they arrived. Be broken glass all over the place, you know. She's a very practical woman, apparently. Mrs. Woods. Woodsy, as I call her. So, you know, we often sit around saying what we're going to have as a texting. And last week we went for memorabilia,

if anyone's got any interest in memorabilia. And we got several texts, but they were all saying, you've done this before. Didn't we have? I think we had done it before and we just forgot. It's inevitable, isn't it? As the show progresses, we're going to forget stuff we've done early on. It's like painting the fourth bridge.

We'll end up doing about 50 shows in, you start doing the first show again, you just do them all over again and you just hope everyone's forgot. Yeah. So this week, someone was talking about they had a friend with an unusual pet name right and uh not their friend didn't it but their pet had an unusual name uh we can't say what it is because it's swearing it was a bit rude but um so that got us thinking about um so that we thought would be good now i was obviously it's good to have a few my um my rabbit was called um

big bender halt it was not when i was yeah what the hell you know that formula for pet names when you use your porn name and your mum's maiden name so uh that was but also frank yeah um you did have an unusual pet name because when you shared a flat with David Baddiel, didn't you have a cat called... I used to call him Darling, but never on air. Didn't you have a cat with a very good name? Yeah, well, yes. Well, he got a cat, and I suggested calling...

We were talking about names, and I suggested Chairman Meow. Which is genius. And it was a joke, though. It was one of those. You know when you see headlines in the sun and the mirror, and you think, and uh it was a joke that was one of those you know when you see headlines in your sock in the sun and the mirror and you think i bet that was a joke and then someone said no let's do it let's just put it in anyway um so um but he's actually yeah i can exclusively reveal i was around there recently he was going come on chairman but he's called the other one monkey so i think he maybe needed you around for inspiration. Well, it was a classic mix-up, wasn't it? I don't want to call a cat Monkey.

That's going to be identity problems. I mean, I was sitting in his house the other night and watching that cat peel a banana with its feet, and I thought, well, this is what you do, you see. You lead them one way and then another. I had to... There was a very well-known comedian called Malcolm Hardy who is sadly no longer with us.

And he had a three-legged dog called Tripod. Did he? Yeah, which I thought was fabulous. Knowing Malcolm, though, was such a lover of a joke, he might have thought of that and then amputated the leg. I like really boring guys' names for animals. So I like Stephen for a cat. A friend of mine had an Alsatian called Matthew.

It was named after a cricketer. Yeah, but that didn't. Anyway, if you have an unusual... What worries me about this one is people can make anything up. They can just say, I've got a kestrel called Yuri Gagarin, and who are we to argue? Yeah, but I've lied to get on beautifulpeople.com, whatever it takes.

Yeah, well, but I don't want people sending in a tissue of lies. No one said bless you then. We've already had one. Ethan in Newcastle says my mate had a cat called David Hasselhoff. No idea why. There you go. Up and running already.

That's a tribute there. Ethan. No, it's Ethan. This is the name of Garrett's child, so don't get the name wrong. And also, we've got John Richardson. I went to see his gig last night, and which more later? He's our guest this morning. John Richardson.

Yeah. Why are you playing that music? Who was the most famous character in Dallas? J.R. What's John Richardson's initials? I have to go through this process every time. It's not easy to come up... It takes about 20 minutes to work out. You try coming up with a jingle for John Richardson.

That's terrible. What would you have chosen then? It's not that easy, you know. I thought theme of Crossroads, Meg Richardson. I would have played the Waltons, like Night John Boy or something. That would have been much better. Oh, and that would have been more obvious, would it?

People would have been expecting Isaac Walton to come on and talk about angling. Absolute. Radio. And we're asking people for unusual pet names that, you know, obviously not pet names, names that their pets have. We've got some fantastic ones. Sally in Petersfield, my friend called their cats Pussalini and Kittler.

Awesome. It sort of fits with Chairman Mao. It's that sort of very dictatorial... Oh, I'm loving that. Hi, guys. Unusual pet names. I had a border colleague called Rabby. George Burns, Glasgow.

Because I guess that's... Rabby Burns. Although I don't think pets take on your surname, do they normally? I think he's got that mixed up with wives. That's the only way he got it mixed up that way i've got a tortoise called toaster that's a good one anina says we had a cat called hose head he was banished to a farm as i was allergic to him but the stranger hose head as in head belonging to a hoe or no as in in a, you know, fire engine's hoe. The hoe's head. That'd be a great name for a pub.

I might nip down the hoe's head. Time's it open. Well, so... We've had another text in, though, Frank, from Shams, saying, hello, Capital, my bird is called Governor. Do they think we're Capital Radio? Maybe he's sending from outside London, and that's what he always calls London. Maybe that's his pet name for Absolute.

He might just be a really posh, old-fashioned gent. Not Capital. Yeah. I don't want people thinking I work for Capital, though. A station, essentially, that hates music. So, yes, they're all very good. I'm pleased with that. Some weeks, we open a vein, don't we, and the blood flows.

How do you get a nickname like Hosehead, I wonder? Who knows? Hosehead is very violently sick. Maybe its snout was lost in an accident early on. They had to have a metal snout fitted with, like, a thing that you turn that either let the mucus out or not and that gave it you could if you held that cat you could put out fire if you let you've let that mucus to build up over a period say if the cat got quite a heavy cold you could let it build up and if there was

a fire just removes that thing and then you could use it to put the fire out maybe that's where we've got that nickname though you have to be careful because Tiger Woods will probably run it over if it's shaped like a fire. That's another problem. Of course, it might have had some tights trapped over his head in a kind of a pantyhose head type of a... Oh, God. That's another possibility. I'm fascinated by hose heads and his various derivatives.

Never mind hose head. I read something really interesting in the paper this week. It's a make-up story. Yes, I like make-up stories. I read it in The Spectator. What shall we talk about while she's doing this, Gareth? No, you'll find it quite interesting. I can bring you into this.

A make-up story? Go on. Yes. Have you made it up? No, it's not like my beautifulpeople.com application. You know that guy... That's a make-up story in itself, I would guess. God, that's a make-up story in itself I would guess. God, that's a

make-up. Anyway, carry on. You know that guy Robert Pattinson, who's in that big vampire film, New Me? Oh, yes, yes. And the girl opposite him, Kristen Stewart. I've hardly ever seen him on a red carpet. I've never seen him in any other context other than on a red carpet with screaming women. That's his life. Well, girls will go mental over

him. But all this, you know, vampire sheiks vary in at the moment. So apparently that has meant that sales of pale make-up have risen by 200%. I think that's really interesting. Yes. Wow, because everyone looks like they've been... Everyone wants to look pale again. Do they?

Do you prefer pale? Because people wanted to look young, but vampires have been around for hundreds of years. That's true. I'm not sure vampires have been around for hundreds of years. That's true. I'm not sure vampires have been around at all, have they? Vampires, the mythical creatures. Oh, the mythical, yeah, OK. They live a long time, don't they?

Can you put a date on a mythical creature? That reminds me of when I saw a World Cup exhibition. It's an England World Cup exhibition. And they had the first ever mascot for England in 66 was a thing called World Cup Willie, which is a lion with like a union jack suit. Oh, yeah, I remember that. And it said, and World Cup Willie will be there,

in brackets, life size. And I thought, you've got a problem here with a fictional character. But anyway, well, I i like um women who look pale rather than that sort of tan do you i think so yeah i uh i'm not sure about tanning for health i know i don't spray on tan is that all right for you oh yeah it's fine spray on tan okay um i was um working on the tv show yes it's an old story and um and the makeup woman said to me you know i have to put so much makeup on you because you're so pale couldn't you go to a tanning shop and get you know give us a hat give us a help here give us a leg up on on

mecca so i'd never been to one before and i thought you lay on these sunbeds and stuff but um you actually went in you must do you go to them Emily I'm guessing I might have been known to have gone to one okay um so um that's slightly worrying because the producers just put a note in front of it that says regret is this the the tone my voice should go up take for this. And then I went to a tanning salon. Is that regret? I'm thinking so. And I think that means I have to play regret because I'm talking too much. What, now?

Yes, I'm just setting the scene. It's a cliffhanger, right? I've arrived at a tanning salon and I've discovered that you don't lie on a bed. You have to go into a booth. And assume a tai chi position. No one said that they played euro pop and i basically danced naked but anyway um yes i think that's very good cue for regret absolute

radio so before you go into the booth at the tanning shop they give you these these gold circles like shiny gold sticky circles and you you turn them into little cones, little gold shiny cones, which you then stick in each eye socket, and it's so that the sun won't burn your eyes. It's not the sun. It's not the sun. It's the UV rays. It's the UV rays that don't burn your eyes.

So you're standing in there with two gold shiny cones sticking in your eye. What pants did you have on? Pants? Yeah. I was completely naked. What? You're a lunatic. Yes, this leads to the next part of the story.

Because I did 14 minutes in there. If only I'd been in there with you, I would have told you. I would have advised you. Well, if you'd have been in there with me, I'd have got a much bigger tan. Were you wearing pants at the start? No, I was never wearing pants. I arrived in pants. The UV rays made them disintegrate.

No, no. What was left of them. Listen, I've got to get this I arrived in pants. And the UV rays made them disintegrate. No, no. What was left of them. Listen, I've got to get this in before the news. Okay, okay. So, yes, so... I thought you'd say to all the girls. Yes, of course. Has it got to be carry-on absolute?

No, no. So, I came out and I went home and I had a bit of... I'd pinked up quite a bit. But there was, how can I put this? Now, I realise as I've started this anecdote, it's not an anecdote you can actually tell on the radio without a certain amount of... Had you burned yourself in a sensitive area? In a particularly sensitive area. I understand.

I mean at the very extreme of a sensitive area. That's because you took your pants off, you idiot. I know that, but I didn't know that at the time. So the next time I went, I said, could I have three of those gold discs? And this is absolutely true. I stood it there with a gold disc in each eye and a little gold cone in each eye and a little gold cone fitted like a... It's what I imagine if C-3PO took his clothes off.

It's what I imagine was underneath. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm here with Emily and Gareth, as always. And also our guest coming up soon is John Richardson. You're just playing the wrong one now. Oh, yeah, the deer hunter.

It's the deer hunter. How are you going to justify that? I don't want to let the deer hunter go, because I really like that. Can we get a guest in? I'm just talking to him. Can we get a guest that sort of can you get hunter in from gladiators bambi you could have bambi in i don't think bambi actually hunter if you think about it you could you could use if you left a phone message for hot because he must get letters addressed, Dear Hunter. You could leave a phone message that went... Sorry you're not there, but I'm just finding to say that that paint is ready now,

if you want to come and pick it up. OK? OK, thanks a lot. That paint? I can't imagine Hunter buys paint. Oh, yeah, I think he's always doing the place out. No, that you're thinking of painter oh yeah that's right he's my favorite gladiator yeah and decorator he's good as well agent decorator yeah i think that's quite good yeah plaster that didn't he didn't really he was too expensive that's what i kept squashing people Yeah. Also, he could only work in dry weather.

And their autumn series... I mean, he was hardly ever there, for goodness sake. We've had lots of good texts of pet names. What funny names that their pets have got. I can think of a cool name for my dog, so I named him Defa, as in Defa Dog. Defa Dog. Oh, that's good.

That's from Frankenbrum. No, I like from Frankenbrum. Hold on a minute. I started talking to myself. Not only talking to myself, but texting myself over a distance of some 120 miles. That's the first sign of madness. Justin for Luton. Actually, I think sucking your thumb in America is the first sign of madness.

Frank. Sorry. Do you know, by the way, that Susan Boyle's album is on Psycho Records? Yes, I do know that. Yeah, because I didn't know that. See, I saw a review and it said, Susan Boyle, I Dream the Dream, in brackets, Psycho. And I thought, there's no need.

I mean, we'll make our own minds up, thank you very much. Wild Horses couldn't drag her away. No, they tried. Seven wild horses. I think eight actually did get her to bodge. She did eventually let go of the lamppost. Anyway, so that's a good... I like D. Have you finished?

Sorry. Poor Susan. Sorry, Susan. She's had a lovely makeover. You were saying she'd had... Well, can I say this? Allegedly, you were alleging that she'd had Botox this month. I wasn't.

That was Daisy who works on the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right, yeah. Sue Botox. Sue Botox, she does, yeah. There is a new coat of Sue Botox, which has got quite a lot of hair in it. Would you have it done? No. I love it. I think she's great.

Justin from Luton has called... Who's Justin from Luton? They must be freezing cold. Put another bar on that electric fire. There's somebody Justin from Luton has called... Who's Justin from Luton? They must be freezing cold. Put another bar on that electric fire. There's somebody Justin from Luton. Sorry, carry on. I've mentioned his name about five times. I'm sorry.

He's called his cat horse. Anyone who's listening to this on podcast, can you go back and count that? I think it was twice maximum. No, it was at least thrice. He's called his cat horse. Yeah. See, I think that was twice maximum. No, it was at least thrice. It's called his cat horse. Yeah. See, that just, I think that's wrong.

That's very confusing. Absolute. Radio. John Richardson is with us in the studio. What an entire number. Yes. Welcome, John. Thanks. Is that supposed to be relevant? Yeah. To me. Who was the most famous character? Oh, John. Thanks. Is that supposed to be relevant?

Yeah. To me. Who was the most famous character? Oh, JR. Very good. Do you see? Really snappy, isn't it? Really grabs you. Yeah.

Well, what else? What would you have liked instead? I don't mind. That's good. That's good. I didn't get it for a second. No, no one does, John. Well, that's okay. That's okay. Because he picks bad people. That means that your name then will stick in their minds. Yes.

Because I think one of the problems of being famous and being called John Richardson is it's not that unusual a name. Yeah, well, that's true. It's not really an issue at the moment because I'm not really famous. But if you'd left your house at 2.15 this morning, driven into a fire hydrant and then a tree, people would say, what's he called? Jackfferson whereas tiger woods is a name that sticks you say i would get yourself an animal first night yeah i think if i'd uh got out of my house at 2 15 and

drove into a fire hydrant and a tree i'd probably be glad that no one knew about it the downfall of a name like tiger woods that story's gonna stick to stick. Whereas with me, they just go, some guy's lost it again in Swindon. Don't really matter. You know, the guy from Dallas. He's had a contract. Yeah. Also, there's so many mini roundabouts to slow you down in Swindon. Yeah, that's what I like about it. It wings out

the bad drivers, Swindon. There's no excuses. There's no hiding places. Sometimes I go down to the Magic Roundabout and just watch. Just watch people have breakdowns. In case anyone has never been to Swindon and seen the Magic Roundabout, that is an actual, I mean, that is a place, it's a proper traffic. It's a proper, if you watch Points West news bulletins, it's one of the little clips that, like, they use to identify the region.

Yeah. That's its big deal. You know, it's like clifton suspension bridge would you like to explain what's distinctive about the magic round it's five roundabouts stuck together to make one massive roundabout the way it works is there's a big roundabout and then each exit has got a mini roundabout on it so when you when you drive towards it it looks like a star chart yeah it's really it's a phenomenal beautiful especially at christmas star chart. It's really phenomenal. It's quite beautiful, especially at Christmas.

Have you not been tempted, John, as your career has got better and better, to do the big move to London? Well, we were just discussing this, weren't we, outside the move to London? Who was discussing it? Daisy and I were discussing it. Oh, Daisy and I!

Daisy's featuring in the show a lot today. Suddenly it's Daisy and I. Oh, do it. Mattie Roundabout, Daisy. I know that was her. We had the classic Mull versus London debate. I think I would rather live Wava. I'd Wava with someone else to be in it. So this happens when I come to London. I start just dropping letters in the alphabet.

I just can't handle it. I need a car and a driveway that I can get in and go. And you can't do that in London. You've got to get buses and underground trains. I'm a total bumpkin is what I'm saying. I can't do and go. And you can't do that in London. You've got to get buses and underground trains. I'm a total bumpkin, is what I'm saying. I can't do the noise of it. Last night I just wanted to do my gig and go home and I couldn't and I ended up somewhere loud.

I don't mean to sound tedious, but there's too much going on. I quite like to just get home and stick the telly on. It was a good gig, though. I went to John's gig last night. Yes, I did. Can I just say there is a 17th... I read a 17th century French writer who described London at the time as one big shout. Yes.

Which is basically what you're saying. Yeah, so he said in my comments, they're 300 years old at best. No, I think it's an even bigger shout than it used to be. Yeah, it's a massive shout now. So, yeah, so we sent Emily as our agent to watch your show. I loved it, but I had a problem with it.

Oh, what? You can't say that! She really brought this up at the time. No, all you can say to a comedian is that was absolutely brilliant. It was awesome, but it was audience-related. It wasn't talent-related. The man sitting behind me had the longest legs. It was like, basically, I had Gandalf behind me.

Yeah. And he was pushing them into my bum. I ended up sitting on his lap, virtually, for the entire gig. I kept turning around giving him dirty looks, but he just was staring ahead impassively. Maybe he thought you were flirting with him, and that's why he pushed his knees further into your bum. Yeah.

She probably was flirting with him. She just left that bit out of the show. When you say you were giving him dirty looks... Yeah. Do you mean come hither looks? Yeah. I don't see how his legs can be in your bomb. I'll show you later.

You will not. I've got me best trousers on. But should have there was a seat separating you? One would think so. But his leg was so big frank that it was poking through the seat it's called a theater but they're not sort of plush theater seats like what you have at your gig they're like sort of the ikea we feel bad joe no they're like school chairs yeah they're like school chairs oh i saw what that makes oh well that's fair enough but you loved the show

oh i loved it i've got one show left tonight, and I will put a height restriction on that gig for anybody sitting on anything other than the front row. Well, they can sit cross-legged. They're very tall. Can they? Yeah. I think that would...

Would that not put their then right boot in the anus if whoever was in front... Oh, I don't know if... No, I don't know if you can say anus on Absolute. Can you not? You said it again. Where's the manual? Pass me the...

I'll be with you. It'll be under A. No. So, in the behind. We're going to call it in the behind. That's not... Is that a cult? That's the high.

The absolute high. They're a cult. They're a religion. Absolute. Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and we're with John Richardson, who is on tour at the moment.

Yeah, kind of, yeah. What do you mean? Well, it's not one of these sort of, like, you know, 49 arena tours. It's one of those, like, I'll be in Didcot on a Wednesday, and then in two weeks and a day, I'll be in Newcastle.

Yeah, but that's like a proper tour. Is it? This other stuff's gone very rock and roll, the arenas. Hasn't it just? Yeah. I'm only saying that because I can't sell the ticket. But, yeah, let's big up small tours, as it were. Yeah, I'm on a massive mini tour.

Yeah. If there's an art centre near you, I'll be near it in a small back room behind a pub. Do you like it? Because some people, they like the gigs, but they don't like hotels. Oh, I like hotels. I don't like the gigs.

What you need to be is a travelling salesman. Yeah, I did that for a while. I was a salesman for a while. Did you? Yeah. What did you sell? Well, this is a contentious issue because I sell tobacco products.

OK. Well, you sell fags, basically. Well, if you can't say the A word, then you can't say the F word, can you, surely? Well, you went knocking on doors to sell cigarettes. I don't go knocking on doors. You don't get door-to-door cigarette sales. I was strictly allowed to visit local primary schools. I'd go to shops and say,

Hey, but I represented really rubbish brands, so they'd have ones that were selling well, and I'd go, you know what you need? Just some consulate menthol on that shelf. And they'd say, we don't. And I'd say, okay, bye. What, cool as a mountain stream? Yes, you know. That used to be the slogan when I was a kid. The days when you could

advertise cigarettes on telly. Yeah, with phrases like, cool, you can't do that anymore, you see. I always think being a salesman must be a heartbreaking job, though. I quite liked wearing a suit. I'm quite simple like that, and I liked having a new car. That was enough for you.

Did you get a company suit? No, they didn't. I had to buy my own suit. Company car? Company car. Well, that's why I took the job, you see, because it was when I started doing gigs, and I was chefing at the time,

and you can't do chefing, you know, you have to do it in the evenings. So I took a job that I could work during the day, and they'd pay for me to have a new car so I could get to gigs. It was all very ruthless. So, hold on. You sold cigarettes in the day?

Yeah, I was... Was the car, by the way, in the shape of a big cigarette? No, it was... Oh! It was a fairly tedious fleet car, I'm afraid. Oh, that's such a pity. I love the image of you with, like, the windscreen in the filter tip. Yeah.

You're driving along. And, of course, when the exhaust... You really want your exhaust to play up, don't you? Yeah. Then there's smoke coming out of the cigarette. Yeah. Burn that oil. I did paint it orange just at the bottom of the exhaust.

Yeah. Yeah. From Worm's eye view, it did look like a cigarette. But from everyone else, it just looked like a fairly depressing box office. So you were doing that in the day, and being a chef in the evening, and doing comedy. Well, I kind of weaned out the chef-ing, just because, like I say, it clashed. So I would just drive around South Wales, peddling my wares, and then I'd go and do gigs. But the good thing about sales is you can work when shops are open.

So if I had to put in a Saturday to go and do a gig for no money in Newcastle on a Tuesday, then I could do that. But you weren't one of these, but I see blokes around London who have just like a tray of cigarettes, and they're selling them off cheap. Yeah, you're not allowed to do that. That's naughty. No, well, if the next one, I shall make a citizen's arrest. Don't please. Yeah, I won't be to do that. That's naughty. No, well, if the next one, I shall make a citizen's arrest. Do please. Yeah, I won't be tampered with by these people.

So, being a chef, did you have to go to college and all that stuff? No, no, I was the kind of chef that would make actual chefs really angry. Because I just started off when I was, like, 15, putting cress garnishes on sandwiches. And then it sort of built up from there to the point where I was actually chopping the tomatoes. It was a slow rise to fame it's quite an arc but can you can you cook well now john um not right now obviously because we're in the studio um no it just so happens we have a kind of guest oh really yeah yeah well i you know only last monday i did make a cracking cheese fondue

oh yeah i like the fondue for a long time. Not of... Many people haven't, and that's just the kind of dinner parties I throw. You come round my house, you'll get a dish you weren't expecting. Yeah. And you'll have to eat it out of politeness,

if nothing else. Did you follow it with a prawn cocktail? It would have felt right to me. No, well, I made a big boo-boo, because I followed it. Well, I never had that. What's that like? Has that got any bear in it?

Yeah, it's got cherries on top, as you can imagine. Well, I made a lasagne to follow, which meant just melted cheese overload, wasn't it? Oh, God, yeah. Cheese sauce and lasagne. You pushed them through the cheese barrier. Cheese fondue. By the time the cheese board came out,

people were just adding off, just adding off. I'm not sponsored by cheddar for nothing. Well, you know, I actually feel a bit cloyed, just by the mention of all that. By the cheese. Yeah, cloyed is what I feel. Not the orangutan from Every Which Way But Loose. Cloyed.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Did you read that there was a thing, a story about Silvio Berlusconi in The Sun? I love him. Yeah, and it said that, well, I don't want to go into too much detail, but it said he took this young woman back to his apartment and then he'd been kissing her and things, kissing and cuddling,

while it said two lesbians caressed his feet. And I thought, he's 73 years old. So I looked at the comments, and there was one comment, and it was something like, Dave from Essex, and it just said, legend. I'm sure their time could have been more profitably spent, though. Well, yes, I agree with that. It depends what kind of profit they made. I was coming out of a gig the other night in Hammersmith,

and it happened to be, I think, the specials were playing at the Hammersmith Apollo, and so there was all loads of specials fans, and it was a very specific sort of person. Was it? It was ageing... Pot pie hats. Ageing skinheads is what it was.

Yeah? And there were lots of them on the tube. Well, it was ageing skinheads, is what it was. Yeah? And there were lots of them on the tube. Well, it was aging skinheads, and then this one, like, quite... He must have been about 60 years old. A transvestite, a 60-year-old transvestite. Oh, OK. Who was unconvincing. But it was interesting, the mix of people,

the type of person who was a specials. Yeah, I don't think... I wouldn't think they'd have got a hardcore following of transvestites, but you never know. Personally, I'll take what I can get. You don't look very specials, though, Gary. But you hadn't been to the specials. I hadn't been to see.

Who do you think, who do I look like a fan of? If we had to define ourselves. Well, I think this is quite a good, if you walk down the street and just saw a stranger at random and think who is their favourite, what do they really love to listen to? I know what I'd think with you.

What would you think with me? Well, you've got a slightly rockers, sort of teddy boy thing going on, because you like a brothel creeper and sometimes a raised collar. So I would say shawody-wody or darts. Is that all right with you i'm fine with that okay good see gareth gareth i somewhat gareth's gonna say me or i say him you say gareth i think gareth

i think sort of he's got that sort of brit poppy i'd say not top end brit poppy i'd say a ocean collar c oh dear that's what that would be my guess is that a long way short like something a little bit more obscure like i was in spiral carpets i might say weird stuff what about me i mean emily looks like she could be a very beautiful hanger-on of a quite scuzzy group oh do you know what i mean like um like you could be on the arm of keith or someone. How old do you think I am? Oh, my God. The arm is much, much younger. Just to get the vein up.

Clutching very tightly around the shoulder. I don't know if this works, if you don't know what we look like, but if I saw, maybe it's a good way to first find out what people look like through the band, what imagines they listen to. I would probably guess, Emily, I mean, she said to me earlier, what was your Celine Dion, what everyone saw? I bet you think I like Celine Dion.

No, I don't think that. I think there's a bit more about you than that. I'm going Mary J. Blige. Oh. Because I imagine you R&B heartbreak stories is the sort of thing women of a certain age like to listen to. Frank! When I say a certain age, I mean 32.

So I'm... I'll take that. OK. I'm Keith Richards' date. If you saw Emily in the Street, Gareth, what would you say would be her favourite music? I said sort of quite rock... I don't think it's so much about, I said. Oh, you've answered this, haven't you? Sorry, sorry, I've had short term memory loss. At the fall gig. Anyway, welcome, this is Frank Scannab to the radio. Looking forward to the show this morning.

Oh no, I'm sorry. You never said who you thought if you saw me in the street. Well, I, when I went to that fall gig, I kind of looked around and thought, this is a room full of Frank. full gig, I kind of looked around and thought, this is a room full of Frank. And on that note, I'm proud of that. Obviously that makes me very proud. Look, it's been a lovely morning. Thank you very much for listening. If you're listening on

podcast, then I want you to, whoever's next to you on the boss or the tube now, I want you to look at them and smile. But in a way that suggests that you're smiling now, you'll be punching later. It's been lovely. Good day to you.

Absolute. Radio.