The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Josie Long

Episode Date: July 24, 2010

Lee Mack fills in for Frank Skinner and talks rom-coms, glamping and crying with Emily and Gareth.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Lee Mack on Absolute Radio. Yes, good morning, Absolute listeners. This is Lee Mack, standing in for Frank Skinner. I'm here, as ever, with Emily and Gareth. Thanks for having me back. I'm thanking you two, like, you just, absolute listeners. This is Lee Mack, standing in for Frank Skinner. I'm here, as ever, with Emily and Gareth. Thanks for having me back.

I'm thanking you two. We didn't really have a choice, to be honest. You were hoisted on us. Yeah, you're a bit like foster children, aren't you? You don't pick your parents, do you? You're given to somebody, whether you like it or not. That's why we have so many abandonment issues. Yeah.

We're like those glamorous foster children you see on the back of the bus. The really good-looking ones. We're like those glamorous foster children you see on the back of the bus. They're really good looking ones. Are they the face of foster kids? Yeah. Why are they on the back of a bus? Because they're so good looking. What are they doing? Are they advertising?

Yeah, advertising fostering. I'm not sure they are. Oh, you mean they're advertising the benefits of being a foster parent. They're not saying... What bus is this? Can anyone look after this one? Yeah, they're not an actual child on the back of a bus. Yeah, they're not clinging on, going, you know, please look after me.

This is how I fill the day. Please help me off this bus. So what have you been doing, Lee? Well, you said that in a slightly accusatory tone. Well, you didn't turn up to my party. What are you doing with that bag with blood coming out of it? I didn't come to your party last week. Happy birthday for last week.

No, thank you, but you did send me a nice text. I did. I said, to whom it may concern, I will not be able to come to the thing you've invited me to. It's a generic thing I send around at the moment. Yeah. Was it good? Did you have fun? It was good. I know, it's not polite to ask a lady her age,

but if it was a special occasion, I'm assuming it was a round figure, was it? How dare you? I'm not saying you've got a round figure. I mean, the age is around me special occasion, I'm assuming it was a round figure, was it? How dare you? I'm not saying you've got a round figure. I mean, the age is around me. Well, I have. It was a nice evening, but it was stressful. I avoided that question very well.

I do avoid it. We can't discuss my age on this show. We can say it's a round figure. No, you can't say that. I'm not risking it by saying you're not 10 or 20, am I? That was round figures. You don't celebrate the 10th, do you? I'm not talking about it. Like you not 10 or 20, am I? Those round figures. You don't celebrate the 10th, do you? I'm not talking about it.

Like you do with all the other ones ending zero. I think you do, yeah. Because when you do your 20th, your 30th and your 40th and your 50th are big birthdays, but your 10th seems to just pass by. Oh, I had a big party for that. Yeah, double figures. In fact, why do you miss out the 20th and go straight to the 21st? What's all that about?

Anyway, tell us what you've been up to. It's like a really bad, pathetic version of Jerry Seinfeld, eh? Didn't you go on holiday? What's all that about? Anyway, tell us what you've been up to. It's like a really bad, pathetic version of Jerry Seinfeld there. Didn't you go on holiday? What's all that about without missing your 23rd? That's a terrible bit of observational comedy. Tell me about your holiday. Well, I went camping this week. Well, not camp, campervanning.

I did hear about this. I was a bit appalled, but anyway. I'm a bit of an earth father. Can you say that? Oh, God. I invented a phrase, earth father. You can't say that? It's not a phrase, it's invented a phrase, earth father. You can't say that just because your kids are dirty all the time.

And I decided I wanted to get away from it all, so I went and I wanted to book a camper van, you know the old Volkswagen camper van type things. So I searched online, this to me is perfect, I'm going to promote this business, this is how good they were.

It was a couple in Dorset, and they got this van, and it was called V-Dub Camperhire. I know you're not supposed to plug people on the radio, but they were brilliant, because what I did was I picked this van up, I turn up in this field, it's like 11 o'clock at night. Oh, you had me at field. Well, you say that when blokes are chatting, you won't, don't you? And, er...

I know this field, love. You had me at field. And, er... I went there, no food in the local pub. They stopped serving food at eight. As far as I'm concerned, that's a criminal offence. That was nice for the children, dragging them to the pub. No, no, it was on my own.

Oh, OK. On your own? Some serial killer going on holiday on your own? No, with my friends. I didn't go on my own to the middle of a field, did I? I'm not a lunatic, right? But there's pubs that stop serving food at 8 o'clock. Now, as far as I'm concerned,

I've never understood the mentality of why... It either makes money to sell food or it doesn't make money. If it makes money, keep doing it. You're a business. You don't go into a shoe shop and go, we're not selling shoes, it's after 4 o'clock, do you? You either do something for business or you don't, and they'd stop serving food. So I turn up at the field at 11 o'clock at night, I've got no food.

I look inside the fridge of the camper van. The couple have only provided me with eggs, bacon, bread, beer. Are they swingers or something? No, why'd they have swingers? I don't know, they were trying very hard to please you. Well, they didn't come with me, that would have been odd. That would have been very

odd, wouldn't it? If I said, I looked in the fridge, and they were in there. That would have been very, very strange. So yeah, so we're talking about, and the reason I mention this is because today we're going to talk about something else I'm doing. As a result of this, I really like the idea. I told my wife, let's go camping. I loved it. She said, she's not a massive fan of camping. So we're doing this thing where you do glamorous camping, which I believe is called glamping. And that is one of the subjects we're talking about this morning. Glamorous camping. You don believe is called glamping. And that is one of the subjects we're talking about this morning. Glamorous camping.

You don't understand the concept of glamorous camping. Of course I don't, because there is no such thing. It's an oxymoron. That's, that's... More of that later. More of that later. Absolute. Radio.

Hello, yes, Lee Mack here, still, on Absolute Radio. A bit confused. I thought we were going into an advert, and then we didn't go into an advert. Can I just say, I just read out... Can you just do an advert? My mind is now tuned into advert, and we didn't go into an advert. Can I just say I just read that. Can you just do an advert so that maybe my mind is now tuned into an advert and I can't now, that's why

my brain works. If my brain's thinking advert, no one's going to do an advert. You want me to do an advert? Well, I'm a bit like that. I'm waiting on 0898 for your call. Oh, wait a minute. Don't plug your phone numbers on here. I thought I recognised that voice. You know what Lee said during that break? I said, oh, we've had an email in from a bloke.

And he went, oh, a bloke, forget it. Yeah, well, you know. Yeah. I'm the, you know, I'm the woman magnet on this show. That's why I'm here. I'm here to attract some more female listenership. That's why I've been brought in. I know you're not.

You know, they're trying to bring up the demographic of the women and they brought, what more do you want than a nice, soft, northern tone to do that? So if there's any women listening, kick it into Lee now. Imagine if that was the Lee, hi, this is Lee Mack, and if there's any women listening, you listen in. 8, 12, 15. Now, we're talking about before that, we're talking about glamping. Glamping.

Before we even get onto the subject, I hate that. You know when you say to people, I've been saying to people, we're going camping, but it's in a really posh tent. And they go, oh yes, glamping. And about five people have said it to me now, like that's a word that now exists and, when you say to people, I've been saying to people, we're going camping, but it's in a really posh tent. And they go, oh, yes, glamping. And about five people have said it to me now, like, that's a word that now exists, and we must all say it. Well, yeah, get with it, Grandad. The language is changing.

That's called a portmanteau. So, like, Brangelina. A portmanteau? Yeah. Is that what it's called? It's based on an old, yeah, a piece of luggage with two compartments in it. So if you put two words together...

It's a portmanteau. Like, two bits of old leathery luggage. That's one of my baby's a portmanteau. Like two bits of old leathery luggage. That's one of my baby names, portmanteau. That's what I'm going to call a child. Sounds a bit like a man with gout, portmanteau. Very good. Thank you. You're bringing up the level of this show, Gareth.

I like that. You really are. There's me trying to attract the women with my northern charm, and you're attracting the men. That's great. So, yes, glamorous camping, right? Yeah. Now, I like this idea, but you don't, do you?

I don't like any idea of camping. I last went camping in 1981, and I rung my mother, and I said, I will never do that again. I'm not sleeping on a rough surface again, and I haven't since. You're not sleeping on a rough surface? Yeah. What do you mean a rough surface? Surely it was a nylon fly sheet.

Gareth's completely lost it now. Nylon fly sheet? No, it was like one of those sleeping bag nylon things, yeah. It was horrible. It was on the ground. You couldn't sound any more like a princess if you tried. And not sleeping on a rough surface again. Perhaps there was a tiny little pee under

those eight mattresses that ruined your night's sleep. I don't know. I've met some of the men you've been out with. Rough surfaces there. Lee, you should try yerting if you fancy posh-ish camping. We stay in Mongolian yurt, which are amazing, inside in a field in Petersfield. It was great, Dino.

I'd better point out Gareth reading an email. Otherwise you just sound like a lunatic because you suddenly told me some information I didn't ask for and you put on a strange voice. You should try yirting. I like to go yirting with my wife is what I like to do. Where did that come from? Yeah, we read that email sometimes on this show.

Okay. Yirting? What's yirting? Oh, yirting's the plastic... What are they? No, that's those big... That's glamping, essentially. You have a wood-burning stove in there

and you have, yeah, like a posh tent. He hurt. But if you don't like camping, then glamping's for you, isn't it? Because you're not sleeping on the rough surfaces. No, if you don't like camping, the Hilton Hotel is for me. I think you'll find.

Well, compromise. Set up a tent in room 24 at the Hilton Hotel. I don't stay anywhere where I have to go to the toilet in a bucket and wake up with wolves. That's not what I do. You wouldn't want to come around my house. You don't have to go to the toilet in a bucket.

That's not the idea. OK, in a bush, you're spoiling us. Yeah, I was going to say, if you're in a tent, right, then why wouldn't you just get out and go in the bush? Why would you? If you found that unsavoury, surely it's more unsavoury to go, I'm not going in the bush, I'm not an animal. Give me that bucket.

Basically, I want a proper toilet. Is that too much to ask when I go on a holiday? And I'm just saying that wife of yours is actually quite nice looking. You're punching above your weight as it is. So I would say start booking some nice first class travel. Start booking a nice holiday. She's had some great holidays.

Took her to Butlins last week. Absolute Radio. We were talking about camping before, weren't we? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we've got some texts about clamping. Not clamping. That's a completely different subject. Oh, people have got the wrong end of the stick.

Is that what glamping is? Glamorous clamping? You come back and it's got diamond studs on the clamp. What do our punters say? They say, yes, I do glamping. We've got two tents, an Outwell Norfolk Lake and an Outwell Oklahoma. The small one has a fridge and cookers, while the big one is for sleeping, etc.

I've never heard anyone say the phrase two tents apart from that old joke about the bloke who goes to the doctor and says, I feel like a wigwam in a teepee, and he says, you're two tents. I've never actually heard it said in reality. Well, I've never heard that joke, which I was quite relieved about up until now. You've never heard that joke? I hate jokes. What do you mean you hate jokes? And we've got another text.

Sorry. Sorry, Gareth, continue on. Hi, I've just been very unglamorous camping with a group of 120 kids. We had storms and rain every day. Every item of clothing is wet. Well, that's the point of camping, though, isn't it? You've got to get wet. Oh, that sounds lovely. You're not having it at all are you of course i'm not having

it it's not one bit of you that can see the benefits of waking up at half six in the morning to the sound of birds tweeting and and the smell of cows no because i want fresh that's not that's not that there was gonna be another word that i'm not allowed to say that i'm not i wasn't just one of these weird people that can't finish a sentence with the correct lilt. The smell of cows. I want MTV. I want fresh towels. Well, we've had...

I want a man polishing my sunglasses on an hourly basis. You get that in hotels? Yeah. What kind of hotels do you go to where people polish their sunglasses? Very nice ones. Very nice ones. Do you? Yeah.

We've had a text in from Nick in Detroit, and he says, hello, Emily. Oh, hi, Nick. very nice ones do you? yeah we've had a text in from Nick in Detroit and he says hello Emily oh hi Nick if you were to go camping with a bow where you zip your sleeping bags together and get on that trail oh you mean a bow

as in a man I thought you meant like a bow and arrow not an archery holiday right you can get a double you can zip the zip of course you can

you can open it and zip it and you'll more than likely change your mind about clamping and get to really like it zip the zipper of course you can you can open it and zip it and you'll more than likely change your mind about clamping and get to really like it I think he's coming on to you I think he sounds a bit odd this man

to be honest with you oh I'm sure he's very nice he might be very nice he can be odd and nice can't he I can't alienate potentials and don't go bathroom in a bucket

just squat behind a tree oh my god I would take it he's not saying he's a potential this one or is this the same bloke? He lost me at squats. Is it the same man from Detroit?

Yeah. He started off so well, hey. If you came to mine, I'd zip my bags. He'd be like the bad person on Blind Date that they had to keep edited out. If you came camping with me, we'd zip our bags together and you could have a great night before I gave you my bucket to squat in. Cut! Can we go again, please?

With number two. So, um... So, what, Gareth, you've been camping. Yes. What, what? Sorry, I'm giggling. Tell us about... Well, I went camping once, and I made a friend on the... I went with my family. Oh, congrats you're well done.

What, uh... What was your, uh... What was your... You met a new friend, did you? Yeah. My friend was called Robin. It was a bird. He was from Birmingham. It was a bird.

And in the middle of the night, he was convinced... Is this an unsavoury story? It doesn't involve squatting. You do know this is a radio station. I'm not a counsellor. Do you want to use a doll to show me where he... OK, carry on.

That's it, let's come back to this story. Gareth's a bit traumatised by this. We'll find out exactly what Robin did to Gareth after this by Adele. You were camping with Robin. did to Gareth after this by a death. Lee Mack on Absolute Radio. So you were camping with Robin. With Robin, my friend Robin, who's from Birmingham. And in the

middle of the night, he was convinced that an earwig had crawled into his ear. Right, because of the name of the insect? Because of, yeah, I think he thought that's what. Or his wig. He might have crawled into his wig. And I think he felt like something had crawled into his ear. He thought it was an earwig. And so we had to get my parents to come and shine a torch down his ear hole. What sort he felt like something had crawled into his ear. He thought it was an earwig. And so we had to get my parents to come and shine a

torch down his ear hole. What sort of a wimp was he? But an earwig's quite a first size. If an earwig crawled in your ear, there would be no doubt. I think there's an earwig in my ear. I think there's an earwig in my ear. He sounds like an awful friend. Did you go camping with a young John Lennon? Yeah, so that

was that story. An earwig went in his ear and your parents came in with a torch, shined the torch in his ear. No earwig? No earwig. Is that where the name earwig comes from? I think it predates that. Is it anything to do with ears, earwigs?

There'll be a reason why they're called earwigs. You always look at me like I'm Wikipedia. I don't know. That is not the look I'm giving you. I promise you. Anyway, this week I had a gig, right? We were going to talk about overhearing people. Yes. And I had a gig where I was on first

and then I sat in the audience to watch the second person. For new listeners to Absolute Radio, we should point out Gareth is a stand-up comedian. People are now thinking, what kind of performer are you? They might think you're a drag act or a... Yeah, Chip and Dale. Or a tumbler, as they call them in India. That's what they call comedians in India.

They call them tumblers. Tumbler, like a small cup. Yeah, they call them tumblers. I like the idea that we all just tumble around. Gareth, yes, what happened at the gig? Yes, and I overheard... I'm going to point out for the listeners, the gig means show. Gareth is a performer who did a show.

OK, Gareth, continue with the anecdote. I'm pointing things out for the listeners. I was sitting and I heard someone go, so what do you think? And the woman went, oh, it was all right. Better than the first guy talking about me. Were you the first guy? Yeah, I was the first guy.

Really? Oh, wow. What did you say? Well, I didn't say anything. I just, because she didn't know, I assumed she didn't know I was there. So I thought I could confront her, but I didn't. You can't confront her. It's only an opinion on art, isn't it? I assume she didn't know I was there. So I thought I could confront her, but I didn't. You can't confront her, isn't he?

An opinion on art, isn't it? I just disappeared into the night. But you can't, you know, you can't say, but hang on, I'm much better than him. That makes you as bad as her because you're... Have you ever overheard people talking about you like that, Lee? Well, do you know what? I haven't... I actually overheard someone talking about me to me. I went, I did a gig. No, no, you've misunderstood over here.

Oh, sorry, someone was talking to me. Is that different? Someone said, how are you? That's weird, isn't it? Talking about me to me? That's odd. I said, why don't you say it to my face? There you are.

No, I was in a dresser, honestly, and I was about to go on. Now, I was doing a preview for my tour that I'm currently on at lematlive.com, and I was... Oh, that's cheap. I was chatting. Yeah, I thought you were starting it. This guy came in, and he was on first, right. And I was... Oh, that's cheap. I was chatting. Yeah, I thought she was doing it. This guy came in, and he was on first, right? And I'd put on this knife to try...

This is a support act, isn't it? Well, I'd rung up this club owner and said, I want to do a night, try out the tour, let me go and so on. I said, but do us a favour, fill the first half with a couple of acts. You know, you book them. So he turns up, this guy, this American guy who's just arrived in the country, and barges into the dressing room and goes,

the money at this gig is terrible, isn't it? I went, oh, is it? He went, yeah, I've been paid X amount of money it's terrible. You know who's getting all the money, don't you? It'll be that Lee Mack. Oh, no! Right? And because I'm very reserved and I hate confrontation. Didn't he know what you looked like? I just went along with it. I went, yeah, probably.

And he went, yeah, did you? Because I knew he was on first and he'd have been gone by the time I was on so he'd never know. And he went, yeah, probably And he went, yeah, did you? Because I knew he was on first And he'd have been gone by the time I was on So he'd never know And he went, yeah, people like him They come in and they get all the money And then we get nothing And I was going, yeah, no, he's a bit of an idiot

You know, I just went along I started slagging myself off Absolute Radio The killer's smile like you mean it Which is an appropriate song, really Because it's all about your birthday And you have to do a lot of that, don't you?

You have to pretend to smile at your guests When really you're thinking I wish I was just away from all you? You have to pretend to smile at your guests when really you're thinking, I wish I was just away from all you people. You're not my real friends. That's what you say off-air. No, but it's stressful being a hostess. I'm not the first person to be saying that at 8am in Soho. I do find it difficult, though, because it's like,

you just worry about everyone having drinks, everyone talking, and then they come over to you, the people at the bar, and they say, oh, the tab's running low. Do you want to extend extend it the tab and you did a tab in central london yeah you're you're you're quite rich aren't you no i'm not i just want to be liked don't you do i do for big occasions what first drink free after that pay for it yourself oh that's classy nuts you can have for free uh sandwiches or or i actually sometimes say can you you know we're having a barbecue please bring your own meat. That's acceptable, isn't it?

It's an acceptable task to bring your own meat. People turning up with a load of old sausages. How horrible. To be honest with you, even if I say, you know that thing if you have a big party, you say, bring some meat and bring some beans. No, I don't know that thing, because I've never said bring some meat to someone.

No, I've not lost my roots. I still do that. I'll do that if I'm only having two people around for Sunday roast. I'll say, come round, we're having a Sunday roast, bring some Brussels sprouts and a pot of gravy. Cook it, though. I'm not boiling it up when I go. I want some oil over the top. I don't want to do anything.

All the different guests bring the food and then I'll get one guest in early to lay the table. And I don't... Well, I had catering. Gareth came, didn't you, Gareth? Yes. It was lovely. Oh, he was a good guest. It was very posh. It was a very posh bar.

The barman, when people ordered like a bottle of champagne. Oh, you were ordering a bottle of champagne? No wonder it cost me so much. I didn't know that was going on. No, I watched other people ordering champagne. Were they? No, they paid. Oh, no, they didn't.

Who would have thought those people at your free bar would have ordered the most expensive drink? Who would have thought that? Doesn't happen at my parties. Bring your own bitter. But the barman was getting the little champagne glasses and then to cool them, he would fill them up with ice and water

and then cool the glass first. Oh, that's nice. And then put it in. And then the guy answered, oh, could I have three more glasses? And so the guy got all the glasses out, started putting water in, and he's like, no, I just have the glasses, please. Oh, who was that alcoholic friend?

Yeah. So, but you found it stressful? I just found it a bit stressful. What I didn't find, I did enjoy it, though, and I did love my friends, but, and I loved the attention. I loved the attention. Did you do well with presents? I had to pretend not to.

They sung Happy Birthday, and I was like, stop it, stop it. But I loved it. Don't stop well with presents? I had to pretend not to They sung happy birthday And I was like stop it Stop it But I loved it Don't stop it Don't stop it And I did very well I had a hall I had a black bin liner

Full of presents I was dragging through the street Did you do that thing Did you do that thing Where you don't open the presents though Because it's too embarrassing No I did open them Do you know why

In front of the people I wanted to see the whites of their eyes When I got those presents I wanted to see who'd got me what Really that's a good way of doing it Yeah What was your worst present Oh I couldn't possibly say Well you told me off You said it was from I wanted to see the whites of their eyes when I got those presents. I wanted to see who'd got me what. Really? That's a good way of doing it. Yeah. What was your worst present?

Oh, I couldn't possibly say. Well, you told me off her. You said it was from... What was the best one? I couldn't possibly say. All right, what was the medium one? What was the medium? Oh, I did get a really good one from Frank's girlfriend, Kathy. Yeah.

She did cards for me. She did what? She did cards for me, and she drew... It was all about aspects of my life on all these little cards for every year that I drew. Like flashcards. You got a homemade card? No! Where was the bottle of champagne in the perfume?

You don't strike me as the kind of girl that's going to get a piece of paper with some hand drawing on it, you go, that's my favourite present. No, but it was good. Was it nice? It was good, it was really good, yeah. That's better, actually. I think that you should make people make you homemade presents, because it's more effort involved.

Don't you think? Definitely, yeah. Absolute Radio. Oh, I wanted to talk about rom-coms, actually. I think that you should make people make you homemade presents because it's more effort involved. Exactly, yeah. Absolute Radio. Oh, I wanted to talk about rom-coms, Lee. Yes, are you a rom-com fan? Well, I don't like... That in itself, I don't like, the phrase. You don't like rom-com? It's like glamping, isn't it?

Oh, it's a portmanteau word. Well, it is. Why has that been allowed to happen, rom-com? But apparently, rom-coms, there's an article in the paper saying that they can ruin people's love lives. Why is that? Because people watch rom-coms but apparently rom-coms there's an article in the paper saying that there can ruin people's love lives why is that because people watch rom-coms and they see people like you know tom hanks and meg ryan and all that kind of stuff and they they own love lives they find are found wanting because they can't possibly match up to these expectations well i think that's

a good point because they do they tend to be what they do is they they'll get a couple together and they'll give them a problem you know to try and solve and they're trying to show the gritty side to relationships and then make it into a rom-com so they'll have but it's always it's not real problems is it the man and the woman will wake up in bed and the man will say you know i want to buy a dog and jennifer aniston because she's in all of them will go but i want a cat and comedy and shoes and the marriage almost breaks up but they get together and they become better people for it. But that's not the reality.

If it was a real relationship... That is in my relationship. No, the real relationship problem is they'd wake up and one of them would have wet the bed. Oh my God, you're all right. For example, how do you know it's not my wife that's wetting the bed? Very sexist of you. So, you know, or you've done something very unsavoury

and it needs to be discussed. And these things are addressed by Jennifer Aniston. I like that there's something more unsavoury than wetting the bed. I'm so glad I'm not married to you. Oh, you know, there's a lot more things. I think wetting the bed is a very, you know, in the old days, in the 1940s and 90s. It was quite romantic.

It was a way of chatting up a woman, wasn't it? Maybe. Well, it could have been. What I don't like about sitcoms is that always at the start, the woman is with a very nice man. Yes. Who's very sensible, got quite a bit of money. And then she meets someone she really hates.

Oh, they always hate them. They always hate them. And she finds really irritating. And then you know they're going... Against everything she believes in. Yeah. And she ends up going out. And then she ends up going out with that person.

My worst example of that actually is Titanic. She's got that lovely boyfriend. Would you call that a rom-com? Well. And she ends up going out. And then she ends up going out. My worst example of that, actually, is Titanic. She's got that lovely boyfriend. Would you call that a rom-com? Well, listen. Just hear me out. Hear me out. You may have missed the point to that film. She's got a lovely boyfriend.

Yeah. She's in first class. And then she starts hanging out with some loser from Coach, going down into some horrible basement where they have to do awful dancing in some smoky room. And she could have been... You should have stayed with him. ...tot the floor with the...

She would have been saved. ...with the rich bloke. Was he saved, the man that she was supposed to be with? Oh yeah, of course he was. He was on that lifeboat. Oh yeah, she should have, didn't she? Sweet Home Alabama's like that as well. You seem to have watched quite a lot of them, Gareth. Do you like your rom-coms, Gareth? Are you a rom-com fan?

Not really, I have to just watch them with... With your boyfriend? Laura. Yeah. Yes, but she's with a nice rich man and then she goes off with a man who makes sculptures out of lightning or something what laura no no the man in the man in alabama but they do always have they have there's such cliches as well and there's always an angry father and also there's usually a giant dog big giant sloppy giant, slobby, cute dog. I'm thinking of Digby. Somehow you're supposed to feel that affection for.

When dogs jump on the bed in films, I just feel like going, just get out of the house. You stink. Get out of my... You can imagine what I'm like. If a dog stinks and I'm the kind of bloke that wets the bed, imagine how smelly that dog is. Lee Mack on Absolute Radio.

Lee Mack standing in for... I was going to say standing in for Absolute Radio. LEMAC standing in for Frank Skinner. Standing in for Frank Skinner. LEMAC standing in for Frank Skinner. I'm not standing in for Frank Skinner. That would be awful. What's that on my shoe? Oh, it's only Frank Skinner. LEMAC filling in for Frank. And we're here with Emily and Gareth. And we've been talking about things that you overhear

about yourself. And we've had some texts on 8, 12, 15. We have. We've had someone called Jewel in Hampstead saying, I went out with a guy and we had a row. I pretended to leave the house and hid behind the sofa. He went out to look for me. In the meantime, his parents came into the living room

and started slagging me off for what seemed like forever. She had to stay hidden. She said, I stood up, I said hello, and I left. That's cool. Surprised to say he was dumped. Well, I think that's quite harsh. Why should he get dumped? Hang on, the parents.

Yeah. Dump the parents and keep the boyfriend. Well, exactly. They were like, I hate that girl. Unless what she was saying was, oh, he said to me that apparently when they're in bed and all that sort of stuff. Yes, that's what's happened. But you don't talk about it to your parents, do you?

As if that had happened. Imagine that. Imagine overhearing your boyfriend's parents talking about what you did in bed because he was telling them that. Eh? That's unpleasant. They were probably just like,

oh, I hate that girl. She's going out. She's always hiding places. Yeah, behind sofas. Always hiding. And stuff like that. Maybe they knew she was there and they thought, let's take this opportunity.

We can't confront her. So we'll pretend we don't know she's there. She should have just said, what she should have done is she should have just stood up and said, oh, is Doctor Who finished? And then walked out. That's what I'd have done. Just got past the moment and let her move on. We've had another text in, Lee, which is about, you know you were saying that you turned up, you expected people to bring sort of pork chops to barbecues and things and sausages.

So someone says, it's a northern thing asking people to bring their own stuff to occasions. I always do, and my mum and dad do as well. I didn't know that. Isn't that interesting? The way you said that, that was a negative. It's a northern thing. See, Lee, it's a northern thing. I just speak as I find.

Well, it's a communal way of eating. You bring food and you all sit around together. Have you never heard of it? Admittedly, perhaps I push it too far when you go, no admission without meat. That's probably pushing it too far. If someone turned up to my house with a load of old Morrison's bags, they'd be showing the door. Really?

I don't want food. I don't want your food. No? But when someone comes round... Will you have your present, Cher? Oh, yeah, I'll have my present. That would be unacceptable. Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to combine those two things. Next time I come to your party, I'm going to buy you a present of meat, all wrapped up. I say, don't open it tilluesday a little surprise for you in there um but when someone comes around don't you that you often say oh do you want me to bring anything yeah yeah and they always say only yourself and then they laugh and control a bit don't they because and if they don't say that anymore i've stopped doing it what i do is i post the meat through the letterbox and run off because they didn't say bring yourself so i assume i'm not invited but the pork chops are do you know what you say about people laughing uncontrollably at

things that aren't funny i hate that when people do that in normal life because you know when it's your well you know it's my job to make people laugh you wouldn't know from this show but it is like when i hear people laughing just I think, what a waste. Don't just laugh at nothing. I'll tell you what I find very disturbing. If people are smiling or slightly giggling to themselves in the street, who are these people that are constantly smiling?

You know, you see people come towards you and you see them smiling and you think, what have you got to smile about? I always try and smile, though. I think they just saw Lee Mack in the street. I always think it makes me look more approachable if I smile. So I'd have a little Mona Lisa smile at all times, I assume.

You're walking around the streets with an inane grin, hoping that someone's going to come up to you and go, By Jove, madam, you've got an enigmatic smile. What are you doing on Friday night? No. Got any meat? I've got to go to the party. It's not 1815, so you won't say, By Jove, madam. Well, I would be put off by a woman.

I prefer a woman who walks down the street looking so depressed and miserable that if I go, all right, love, they might just have a little faint smile of hope about them because I've brought a bit of rare sunshine into their life. We've got Josie Long. Talking of rays of sunshine coming to people's lives. Little Josie Long. I'm going to call her Little Josie Long.

She's tiny. She fits in my pocket. I think she'll be a nice new friend for me. She will be. She'll be a good friend for you. I think she might change you. I don't mean change you. You're not going to put Josie Long in your'm going to call her little Josie Long. She's tiny. She fits in my pocket. I think she'll be a nice new friend for me. She will be. She'll be a good friend for you. I think she might change you. I don't mean change you. She's not trying to change you.

She will ground Emily because Emily needs grounding. I think Emily's far too aloof for national radio. Join us after this. Absolute Radio. Josie Long is here with us. Josie Long is,

I was going to say, in the house. That's what DJs sometimes say. Jocie Long's in the house. No, you sounded a bit tragic. But that just sounds like she's not left home yet. She needs to get here quick. Jocie Long, if you're in the house, you're late. Good morning, Jocie. How are you? I was going to say, I know how you are. You're not well, are you? I'm a little bit peaky.

Are you peaky? But I'm in good spirits. I'm fighting it with every inch of my being. What is up with you? Is it serious? Is it going to bring the tone down? No, God no. It's just like a little cold. I'm thinking of the show, not you. Nice. of my being what's up with you is it serious is it going to bring the tone down no god no it's just like i'm thinking of the show nice yeah uh you what's up with you i've been telling people i'm fluey but i really don't think i am oh is it woman flu yeah that woman the woman yeah i like the voice though it's good yeah she always sounds like that no No! Normally I sound like a real girl. Just now.

Like now on the phone. You have got quite a light touch voice, haven't you? Normally, not now. In fact, I said, I introduced you before as Little Joseph. You're not actually that little, but you've got a little voice. Would that be fair to say? A sweet little voice. I'm not saying you're like a little door mouse.

You're like a little borrower. A very funny little borrower. That's better because that's not a pest. No, it's. It's a helper. Yeah, it suggests, yeah exactly. You're going to wake up and your shoes will be mended. Was that the borrowers? Did they use to mend shoes or was that the- Don't look at me honey. Borrowers just steal stuff.

In general or just- I think you're thinking of the elves and the shoemaker. Oh right. Are they different to the borrowers? Yeah I think so. Okay. You say they're not pests. If they're called the borrowers they must have taken things without asking.

Well as long as they're giving back. They're giving back. That's true, yeah. Borrowing. Is that what it's like? You borrow something and give it back. Basically I'm small and I take things back. I'm a little bit more of a borrower. I'm a little bit more of a they must have taken things without asking. As long as they're giving back. That's true, yeah.

Borrowing. Is that what it's like? You borrow something and give it back. Basically, I'm small and I take liberties. Yeah, stop going on about the borrowers. So, Josie, you're going to Edinburgh, aren't you? Yes. And do you know when you go to Edinburgh, right?

Where do you stay? Do you stay in a nice flat? Because we were talking about glamping before. Do you know about glamping? The glamorous camping. Yes. Have you been? Right, I go camping quite a lot. And I like to think I bring in an air of glamour to everything that I do. glamping before you do you know about glamping the glamorous camping yes you've been i right i

go camping quite a lot and i like to think i bring in an air of glamour to everything that i do not in like a glamour model sense in a like 1950s that's all glamour yeah but to be honest that's not true i just have an airbed oh i respect you for the airbed oh my god it changes everything have you got an airbed that you press a button and it inflates would you have to do the pump before i have to do the pump but i enjoy to do the pump, but I enjoy that. Do you remember the old school? You used to have to get down and blow into the thing for about two hours. Oh, awful.

Some old dad and a pair of Bermudas blowing into the airbed. Awful. That's a horrible thought, isn't it? It's all changed now. Glamping. You get down, you inflate, and two hours later you've got a four-poster bed that's been inflated. Yeah.

It's brilliant. You're going to love it. I feel like with camping, this part of my personality comes bed that's been inflated. Yeah. It's brilliant. You're going to love it. I feel like with camping, this part of my personality comes out that's normally quite hidden, which is I'm like a marshalling boss with the tent. Like, I'm really good at putting up the tent, but on the condition that everyone listens to me. Like, I get them like,

right, you have to do this. I know this tent. You like to do it properly. Yeah, do it. You're not one of these people where it falls down in the middle of the night. Oh, my word, no you because my wife i think sometimes worries that someone's going to come with a pair of scissors and steal the children she's never said that and i have to keep saying to her love we haven't got children

it's really awkward and she goes not anymore anymore since that person came with the scissors what the scissors they're 18 years old perhaps they the the clue was that the scissors were left inside they escaped escaped, I say. They got out and went. But are you worried? Because there's no protection in a tent, is there? You're not going to... It's not like a house.

If someone runs at a house, they fall over. There's a small amount of protection. There's a canvas sheet. I just realised how bad that is. If you run at a house, that's not a selling point for a house, is it? If I was an estate agent and said, yeah, it's a lovely house, if someone was to run at it really hard,

they'd just fall over. Oh, I'll take two. Seriously, I ran at this this morning, just to test it. Of course, those new Barrett airs, if you run at them, you go straight through, or any of the popular house-making manufacturers that are available on the market at the current time. I sometimes feel...

But I think there's something quite womb-like about being in your little canvas. In your little tent. You're very safe, you just think. That would be nice, wouldn't it? A glamorous womb. If in the womb you were that... Me?

If you had kids, Emily, that's how your womb would be. It would be full of, like, chandeliers. Can you not talk about my womb? Oh, come on. God. Oh, it's always the same. When we're on her, don't talk about her. When you're off her, you never shut up about it.

Oh, the blooming womb again, I on her, don't talk about it. When you're off her, you never shut up about it. Oh, the blubbing womb again, I'll tell you. Don't get me started. Absolute Radio. Oh, Lee Mack here on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about... Well, can I just say that was Van Morrison. Yes, if you want. Thank you for that.

No, but we've got a text. We've got a text. Yeah, thanks, Tim Westwood. Anything else? It says, can you play any... I've got a text that's really good. Why did you want to say so adamantly that was Van Morrison? Are you his agent or something?

I'm going to tell you! You didn't even mention Van's name. He comes in, he sings live. This is only supposed to take a second. Can you play any song for all the lads in Morrisons in Cheshire? Thanks, mate Colin Walsh. What is this, Lancashire Radio? We don't do requests.

It was Van Morrison and they worked in Morrisons. I couldn't pass that up. Of course, Cheshire. Did you say Cheshire? Cheshire's not in Lancashire, is it? Cheshire's famously in Cheshire. Josie Long is with us, who's doing an Edinburgh show this year. Where are you doing your show at Edinburgh? Which venue?

It's this cave. But it is legit. It's not just me going, I'm having that for the moment. For those that don't go to Edinburgh regularly, you'd better point out that that's not just, you're not on the fringe of the fringe. You're not just working in some... I'm not an old bag lady. You don't do well in sunlight, do you? So you're doing the cave? Yeah, it's just the tonic at the caves. Just the tonic. And it's at 7.40pm, if you

fancy coming along. I'll be there, as long as I don't have to pay. It's like, I'll be... Oh! Well, you know, I've... You don't have to... You know that conversation we were having before about you bring your own meat to a party? I'll bring my own jokes. You'll be standing at the back going, OK, I have got a better one than that. I love your jokes, but obviously

I'm like a vegetarian. I'm very specific. I've got my own dietary requirements. So as you're telling the joke, I'll be reading my own, but I'll make sure I laugh right at the time I look up. Oh, that's good. That would be good, wouldn't it? I've brought my own, thanks.

And you're doing that, and you're staying in, and are you doing that thing where you're sharing with like 100 comedians? I'm sharing with two comedians I'm really good friends, no comedians i'm really good friends that was close two comedians i'm really good friends with one i can't stand no and one person i don't know at all well what you're saying you've never met no what is this some sort of blind date they're australian so are they male or female female it's a lady house oh it's gonna be one of those loud ones she's gonna be loud and she'll be bleaching her hair over the sink as well. Oh, she'll be brash.

She's going to cause problems. She's going to come back. It's going to be her first Edinburgh. She's going to come from Australia. She's going to have a terrible time. She's going to bring the atmosphere down. I might as well kill myself now. If you're listening over in Australia,

have a lovely show. What's her name? Steph. Steph. She's got a surname or have you not worked that out yet? I can't remember surnames. Let's call her Steph Brisbane, right? Steph Brisbane will be on at the Edinburgh Festival.

I know for her she's fantastic. I think she'll be really nice. But I live with Maeve Higgins and I've been living with her for a few years. Yeah, she's an Irish comedian. I love the idea of Steph, Maeve and Josie. You're like you've gone for the full darts team. Is there an Ethel and a Frank in there as well? Nothing wrong with Frank as a name.

I'm not saying it's an old name. Well, don't look at me like I'm his girlfriend. I thought you were Frank. Sorry. So you go in and you're looking forward to it. Are you excited or are you nervous? I'm ambivalent. Like, one day I'll be like,

it's the best thing in the world. I'm going to have the best time. And the next day I'm like, people are going to kick me to ribbons. Is that a phrase? That's a phrase, yeah. People are going to kick me to ribbons. Well, it's not.

It's a phrase you can say on this. Maybe tear. Tear me to ribbons and then me to ribbons. Is that a phrase? That's a phrase, yeah. People are going to kick me to ribbons. Well, it's not. It's a phrase you can say on this. Maybe tear. Tear me to ribbons and then kick the ribbons. Kick the ribbons out of you. It's going to be like that gym where people have a ribbon on the screen. She's talking a load of ribbons, this one. I think we know what ribbons means in this context, don't we? Yeah.

I had the ribbons last night. It's a nice image, though, isn't it? Like a magician. No. People are all coming out in different colours and you go, and now a rabbit. So that's great that you do that. Excellent.

And also, we were talking about over here, you know when people talk about you and they're over here, have you had an incident where you've overheard someone talking about you? Yeah, I have.

After a show recently, it was like a preview show and I was walking out and I happened to be behind some people who'd been there and I thought, oh God, this is going to be awkward because they were sort of talking and they were like

yeah I think it was more interesting than funny and I was like so I had to walk past them and I was like oh sorry sorry did you acknowledge that you'd heard them? well I had to because I was right next to them and they saw me and then they were like oh no we were talking about your show last year

and they're finally like that doesn't make any better. And I was like, oh, right. But once I have... That's a terrible excuse. They could have at least said we were talking about somebody else. Yeah. Or about a book that they read. Or imagine if they'd have followed...

No, that was your show last year. This year, we didn't find it interesting. But that's what I like about this time of year is you're previewing for Edinburgh. So technically, if people hate your show, it's not like normally if they hate your show, you're like, well, I hate you. But if they hate your show now, it's like, don't, it's preview. It's probably going to be cool. Can I just say, Josie, you might have to work on your catchphrases.

You've just passed me a book, Emily, and you're reading it. It's only my favourite book in the world. And it's called... It's by a very angry American woman and it's called If You Have To Cry, Go Outside. And what's it about? It's like a tough love advice book. So she specifically says things like, you know,

chapter seven, being spiritual, doesn't necessarily mean being nice. She sounds lovely. Yeah, she's great. I see why you like her. If you have to cry, go outside and things your mother never told you. Yeah, so it's good I see why you like her. If you have to cry, go outside and things your mother never told you. Yeah, so it's good.

So she also says things like, you know, if someone's put on weight at work, and they say, oh, have I put on weight? You go, yeah, you gained a few pounds. That's what you're meant to say. Be honest. She sounds like a lovely woman. And do you cry at work? Do you go outside?

Do you know, weirdly, well, this is why this book appealed to me, I did actually cry at work recently. Did you? This work? Yes, this work. You called this actually cry at work recently. Did you? This work? Yes, this work. You called this job? I did cry. Did you?

Yeah. You weren't here. It wasn't during one of my shifts, was it? Shifts? We're not minors. It was about two weeks ago. I can't remember who was here. But, yeah, I just had one of those mornings. I wasn't feeling myself, Lee.

And I felt a little bit fluey and a bit sorry for myself. My makeup hadn't gone on very well. There were all sorts of reasons. So I just went, I'm not feeling very well. And Gareth, the worst thing, he put his arm around me and said, are you all right? I thought he was going to say slap me and say get a grip. So it is, I'm fine. And then I cried and everyone looked quite shocked.

Did they? And then they were so nice to me. I'm doing it again. Was it fake tears? I'm doing it again. Was it fake tears? I'm doing it every week. They started off real. And you actually milked it? Yeah, a little bit.

You milked it for a bit of attention? Yeah. The wailing, the wailing was a bit much. Oh, you weren't killing whales again, were you? No, it was.

It was like Oedipus Rex in here. It was some Greek tragedy. I get like that. I get a bit weepy sometimes. Do you? Yeah, he cries every week. When I worked at Tesco, I had to go into the freezer to cry once because the boss was laughing to me. Did you? Oh, he cries every week. When I worked at Tesco's I had to go into the freezer to cry once

because the boss was laughing to me. Did you cry frozen tears? Did they freeze halfway down your face? I want to know about this story. You were working at Tesco's. Tesco's. What were you doing at Tesco's? So Emily knows, Tesco's is like Waitrose only for poor people. Oh, shut up.

I do know Tesco's. I was stacking yoghurts. You're right. That's not you for me, though. It wouldn't be because it doesn't mean anything sexual. That's Oh, shut up. I do know testers. I was stacking yoghurts. You're right. That's not a euphemism. Was that your only job? It wouldn't be because it doesn't mean anything sexual. That's right, Garrett. You can't say,

can I borrow your pencil? That's not a euphemism. Absolutely correct. It isn't a euphemism. That could be a euphemism. So you were stacking yoghurts. Was that your only task in the day?

The yoghurts? Yeah, I was in the yoghurt section. The yoghurt section. There he is. So why did you cry? He realised he wasn't cultured enough. Oh, come on. I'm here all weekend. I think we should stop now.

Okay, so you're stacking the yoghurts. What happened? And he wasn't very nice to me. They're horrible, the managers. What? Well, saying I wasn't stacking them fast enough, well enough. I'm not being rude, but I can believe that. Yeah, Gareth, I can believe that totally. Already, I'm getting angry with you as the manager, thinking, look at the

state of the stacking of the yoghurts. Why are you being so horrible about it? I bet you did it all flouncy, didn't you? I bet you put them in a design that looked artistic but wasn't functional. Oh, I don't do my best. Oh, sorry, the producer just held up the word Richard Ashcroft, which suggests he's the next artist. I thought I was supposed to say, of course, I'll tell you who can stack a yoghurt. Absolute. Radio.

So what's happening today then, Emily? What are you doing after this? We're going out for lunch. Oh, are you? Where are you going? Oh, me as well? Yeah, you're coming. Last time we had to go and find a present for your wife.

That's right. Oh, she had to say it in a northern accent. No, that was a League of Gentlemen accent, wasn't it? On my wife now, Dan. She really enjoyed that. Did she like the present? She loved that drill set. You'd never been to Fortnum & Mason's before.

I hadn't. Oh, it was like taking a Victorian urchin out for the day. It was fantastic, wasn't it? If anyone's in London, don't go to the museum. Go to Fortnum & Mason. I have to say, it was incredible. It was like being in a film, you know, like an American film and how they deck out the show.

Absolute pretentious nonsense. It was lovely, though. But it's great. It smells nice. It smells like a... Everywhere you go, it smells like everywhere you go it smells like it smells like a boots assistant

in every room you know a boots assistant really gives off a pungent smell but Lee this is the problem with you we were there to buy your wife perfume

your wife and you went off saying oh let's get a globe you went off to buy a globe who doesn't want a globe I've always wanted to have a huge globe that when you lift it up

inside there's martini do you know what I mean because at the moment I've got a homemade one. I've cut out, I've basically got one of those big white, what they're called, but you put round like lampshades, you know the ones that are like the paper ones?

Yeah. And I've stuck countries round, and I've put a bottle of gin inside it. And then when people come round, I lean casually on it, and it just slowly concertinas down, and the gin appears, like that. So we've got you next week, have we?

I'm trying to say it with a bit more positivity. You won't be back. You like this with your house guests? I suppose you'll be coming around on Friday as well, with your pork chops and your eggs. Yes, I'll be here next week, and I'll be bringing you food. I'll be bringing my own food, my own drinks. There's a lot happening in the week for us to talk about. There'll be bags happening. There's a lot happening this week.

Lots of things happening. What, to you? To me. You always just stay in that house and eat meat. You don't do anything. Yeah, but I'm going There's a lot happening this week. Lots of things happening. To you? To me. You always just stay in that house and eat meat. You don't do anything. Yeah, but I'm going to try a different meat this week. I'm going to try some exotic meats. So I'm going to try the biltong. Because biltong lasts forever. You don't have to have a fridge and we can't afford one. Absolute Radio.