The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Katy Brand

Episode Date: May 9, 2009

A podcast full of anecdotes about Sir Alan Sugar & Sir Paul McCartney, what else do ya bleeding want? A guest? Well you're in luck; the very funny Katy Brand was also on the show. BOOM!

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

So, this is the Frank Skinner... I've heard or radiated when you're early on. The Frank Skinner podcast. To owe a human. Yeah, it is. To forgive, of course. He's, er... Divine.

Divine. Yes, so this is the Frank Skinner podcast for Absolute Radio and I'm with, as usual, Emily and Gareth, but Katie Brand. Hello. Who was on the show as Hong Around. Yeah, I'm an MIS3 lighter. I've got nothing to do. So the show has got, obviously, we'll have Katie Brand on.

Yeah. It was very funny, don't you think, Katie? I really enjoyed it. Is it one of the best things you've ever done? I think enjoyed it. Is it one of the best things you've ever done? I think it is. I think it's the best thing I've ever done. Oh, well, that's quite a recommendation. I feel changed somehow inside a little bit.

Yes. Yeah, I think I'm going to have to go back and look at everything I've done so far and re-evaluate. I've done that every day. Yeah. If I looked at everything I've done so far it'd be a very depressing afternoon indeed so Katie's on and then we talk about stuff

we talked about you meeting Paul McCartney we talked about Emily's love life that we talk about every week which I think is some pretty promising developments definitely and all that will be revealed this is like the beginning of an episode of ER

where you just tell everyone in little flashpoints what's coming up. But you don't want to give too much away. It's an overture to the podcast. Yeah, that's good. And Gareth was talking about his wife's fear of lightbulbs. Yeah. She's having a baby.

And apparently pregnant women, they don't like the light bulbs i don't like um uh green light bulbs you know like as in climate change light bulbs oh really yeah what the smell i don't like the no no don't get excited your wife is crazy i like um i uh no i like um i don't like the color that it makes because the back of my flat overlooks the back of the sort of next streets's flats, if you see what I mean. And it used to be this lovely kind of quite magical set of windows with lovely lights. But now the

green light bulbs sort of have a slightly different quality to them and it doesn't look as nice. But they're not green? No, but I mean as in green as in they help the environment. You know, the long-lasting light bulbs. I never knew that. It changes the quality of the light. It's not a nice colour. Well, this is just the sort of facts we'll be discovering.

On the radio show. Enjoy. Absolute. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. Hello. What else do we have to say? We're here until ten o'clock and Katie Brand is our special guest today. She'll be along after 9 o'clock.

That's a professional. I think she deserves a clap. No, she doesn't get... The guests don't get a clap. They get a slight nod as they come in, as if you're passing someone who you often pass on the way to work, but you don't know their name.

That's what they get on this show. Right. So, yes, what are we... Can I just tell you before we go any further, something very, very exciting happened to me this week. I mean, I've met a few celebrities, but occasionally you meet someone who makes your whole skin go... I don't know if your skin ever does that.

Oh, man. Anyway, I went to see Waiting for Godot, which is a play, in case you don't know it, in the West End, and then we went to the party after, and it was in this posh hotel where there was like a swimming pool in the room wow and i'm frightened of water so the smell of the claw is it chlorine or chloride chlorine yeah the smell does something very horrible i think does i thought it was good for your teeth one of them is good for your teeth one

anyway yeah so we're in this thing me and girlfriend, and on the opposite side of the pool there's this couple standing chatting, and I said, hold on a minute, is that Paul McCartney? And she said, oh, yeah, I think it is. And I went, oh, and I started slightly hyperventilating. And I'm frightened of celebrities. I never go over and talk to them because I don't know who I am

and I make a terrible fool of myself. But I said, if I leave here without having spoken to Paul McCartney, I'll never forgive myself. So I started walking over slightly. Oh, God, he's just going to say... Paul McCartney? Oh, no, Paul McCartney.

Were you scared? I would have been so scared. I was just so excited. And I got about halfway there. Did you have to swim across? No, no, I had to... That's the one thing that would have kept me from it. That's what he should have done. He should have been on a lie lab

leave me alone I don't want to be bothered by people that's what he should have been doing you can come and see me in the yellow submarine if you want that's Ringo, he wasn't there anyway so anyway I was halfway there and he looked up

and he gave me the distinctive Paul McCartney thumbs up and I thought that was me clapping by the way in case you were wondering what that was. And so I went over and, man, we spoke for about ten minutes. I mean, he tried to get rid of it, but he couldn't. What did he say? He was just really friendly and lovely. And there's something I'd read about him.

Bertrand Russell. Are you familiar with Bertrand Russell? He's one of the great philosophers. He wrote The History of Western Philosophy. And I'd read somewhere that Paul had gone round his house to talk to him. And I asked him about this. And I said, how did that happen?

He said, oh, someone just told me now. They told me his address in Chelsea. So I just went and knocked on his door to talk about philosophy. Not that he knew anything about it he suddenly just sat me down and explained the British political system and I said it's great that's what people did before Wikipedia

they just knocked on the doors of famous people that they spoke to, but there was one terrible moment, I'm talking too much because I want you to know that Emily and Gareth are a very very equal part of the team but I'm too excited to stop. There was a bit where when you're at these posters, there's always people

walking around with plates and I sent someone behind me and I thought, oh, I am talking to Paul McCartney and he said, do you want some of those, Frank? And I turned around and I said, oh yeah, I will. And I picked up, there's a beef burger and I thought, oh no, it was a trap. He's obviously tested whether I'd ever be his best friend or not and now I can't because I've picked up there's a beef burger, and I thought, oh, no, it was a trap. He's obviously tested whether I'd ever be his best friend or not.

No, I can't, because I've picked up meat. But I actually said, ooh, are you all right with this? Yeah, I ate it as fast as I possibly could. Oh, man, it was just... And did you meet Nancy as well? What's she like? Nancy. That's the girlfriend, isn't it? Well, I spoke to her a lot, but I'm not as up on the show business,

the partnerships as you're seeing, very nice. And at the end of it, I was with my girlfriend, and he says to me, so have you two got a baby? And I said, no. I thought, God, does he want one? I'll get you one. I'll get you one easy off the internet. And he said, have a baby.

He said, you've got to have a baby he said you know he said you've got to have a baby and now i feel that we do have to have a baby because paul mccartney that's royal decree i think you have to yeah and i'll call it eleanor rigby if it's a girl what about that but worse still another guy came up to me at the party and he said I noticed you're standing with your back to me, are you hiding? And I said yeah, no I was just, you know, and he said he chatted and he said so how long are you staying?

And I said, well I'll probably go in about 20 minutes. He said no no I meant in the UK. And I said well, I don't you know, I don't know really depends when I die. And he said, no when I don't know, really. Depends when I die. And he said, no, when are you going back to South Africa?

And I thought, oh, I don't know what you're talking about. So he was talking to you like he knew you? He obviously thought I was someone else, but I can't think who that would be who was going to go back to... From South Africa? Yeah. Who spends a lot of time there? Didn't Mark Thatcher? I'm not saying you look like Mark Thatcher.

Did he think I was Ola Bod? I was barefoot by this date, with just, like, little running shorts and a vest with an umbrella. Now I don't know who he thought I was, but he was... Did you put him out of his misery? No, I completely went, I said, now I'm sticking with dear old Blighty now.

I mean, what was I talking about? Yeah, it was very... I hate that when somebody thinks you're someone you aren't, or you think that... Oh, it's horrible. I had a bad experience of that once. Do you remember a band called A1? Yeah, oh, God, yeah.

Yeah. You don't really. I do remember A1, yeah. Was it Ben on Celebrity Big Brother? Yes, that's the one. It was him, in fact, the historian boss. And it was a party, and this was a long time ago. This was at in fact the historian boss and it was a party and this was this was a long time ago this was at least 10 years ago so i was about 27 thought i looked quite nice

thought i looked quite nice that night and he was you know not that much younger than me i'm chatting away to him and this woman walked over and she went oh my god i know who you are and i thought she obviously thinks i'm Ben's girlfriend. And I said, really? And she said, yeah, it's you, isn't it? And I went, oh, who? And I kind of blushed and she went, you're Ben's auntie, aren't you? Oh, no.

How horrible is that? But you can have a young auntie. Well, yeah. Yeah, but, you know, the word auntie. It's not what you want to hear when you're chatting to a good looking guy. No, not when you're chatting someone up. I mean, yeah, I bet no one ever says that to Demi Moore. You know, Demi Moore. You Ashton's auntie.

Because she's going out with Ashton Kutcher, isn't she? Sorry, I knew her back. You've been hanging around with Emily a bit too long. I've got to tell you, I've got a bad back, right, which is a very bad thing for a DJ to say because we're supposed to sound as young as we possibly can. And I'll tell you how I got this bad back how tragic is this I had a bad shoulder and I went to see a physiotherapist and she gave me some exercises to do for my bad shoulder and the exercises have given me a bad

back god help me and Paul McCartney who is what is what is he, 67, was in Absolute Brilliant, Nick. Absolute. That was Jet by Wings. I used to be in the Wings fan club. Did you? Yeah, I was in two, no, three fan clubs. I was in Elvis Presley's fan club, Wings, and Gary Glitter. Well, I've been in the Blur fan club and I was also in the Beano fan club.

And you've got a Nasher badge and a Dennis the Menace badge if you're in that. I remember those badges. Oh, I was in blur fan club and i was also in the bino fan club and you got it you got a nasher badge and the dennis the menace badge if you i remember i was in that fan club it's all about who you know in the comics business cool i've got an email here about mistaken identities and maybe one of these people might frank because it's look at its lookalikes for frank and maybe one of these people might, Frank, because it's lookalikes for Frank and maybe one of these people are the ones who have been to South Africa that the man was talking about. Oh, OK. So it says, Dear Frank, and this is a bit of a funny email,

just to warn you. OK, we could do with something a bit funny. Dear Frank, I'm never up on a Saturday morning to listen to you so I thought I would email you now. I'm sure somebody must have told you you look a bit like Tony Blair and the singer out of dire straits a bit of both really i was wondering if anybody body has it said that you look across

between tony blair and the guy out of dire straits so does that mean mark not he could have googled him if he's going to go so far as to send a lookalike email. So does that mean if you were to clone Tony Blair and the singer out of Dire Straits, the baby would turn out to be you? Interesting science. I'm sure there are scientists out there that would agree. Interesting, indeed. A Paul fan and the muffins. Yeah.

That's a bit bizarre. It's a bit like the flying machine. Do you remember when Jeff Goldblum gets into that machine and the fly gets in with him and he comes out half each? That's what it would be like if Mark Knopflam and Tony Blair had gone into the fly machine. This is one of those funny ones because I think when you get something like that into your head, it makes a lot of sense. But then when I think you say it to somebody else,

you start to seem a bit like a maniac. So thank you, Paul. But I'll tell you what is a good idea. I've been interested to hear listeners' mistaken identity things. Because you don't have to be a celebrity. I mean, it's always that. People have always thought I've got such a sort of blank face. Yes.

It's like a sort of Mr Potato Head without any of the things stuck in it. So people have always, my whole whole life mistaken me for other people I was once at a wedding and just standing there and this little girl ran up to me and threw her arms

around me and gave me the biggest hug ever and I thought oh that's really nice and then she looked up at me and saw my face

and screamed because she obviously thought I was somebody else that could have been tricky was it the crankankies wedding party? You know, calling your mum at school, no, your teacher mum.

Oh, yeah, we've all done that. And then crying afterwards, obviously. Yeah. And the shame. Yes, that is bad. So, speaking of dating... LAUGHTER Tell the story about the date. Yes, that is bad. So speaking of dating... LAUGHTER Tell the story about the date.

I'm fascinated by Emily's dating story. I feel reluctant to now because Neil Francis keeps going on about how my love life... He's called me needy and pathological this morning. Yeah, but I think, to me, that's an elaborate flirtation ceremony. Oh, is it? Oh, God, yeah. I mean, need me, that's an elaborate flirtation ceremony. Oh, is it? Oh, God, yeah. I mean, needy, that always draws me.

He's pulling your pigtails, Emily. That's what he's doing. Well, as long as that's all he's pulling. Hey! I decided to seek out this website this week called intelligentpeople.com. And the idea is kind of like... Not elitist in any way. Well, a little bit elitist. But it's kind of like a social networking site, but for more discerning people. Social networking site. That just means find a partner, doesn't it? Yeah. Okay. So I had a look on it. But I soon discovered that in order to browse on it, I had to pass a very basic, simple IQ test. I've always used that with girlfriends. Yeah.

No, you make them watch Laurel and Hardy films and they have to laugh in the right place. That's correct. I have done that as a test in the past. Go on, carry on. So anyway, I thought, well, this will take... Well, it didn't take very long, the test. I thought, all right, I'll just get this preliminary over and done with. Began doing the test.

I'm afraid you have failed to qualify for intelligentpeople.com. You have one more go. Oh, no. And to make it worse, Paul, the producer, did'm afraid you have failed to qualify for intelligentpeople.com. You have one more go. And to make it worse, Paul the producer did it and he passed. Well, there's obviously a fault in the machine. There's a virus. Yeah, but it was all mathematical

things. It was all left brain problem solving things. If they asked me to write a sonnet, I would have done that happily. Who is Paul McCartney with in this picture? And you'd have been absolutely fine. Exactly. As long as it was me. And then you'd have said, well, it's Mark Knopfler,

but he's been mixed with Tony Blair. God, two blokes who look quite similar, actually. Now I come to think about it. It's just levels of boldness is all that separates them. Oh, God. Absolute. The phone-in this morning, I'm calling it a phone-in in a professional way, is have you ever been involved in a mistaken identity?

So Kirsty says a cousin of mine apparently chatted with someone at length thinking it was me. She's in Leeds, I moved away years ago, and she's asking this girl, what are you doing back, where are you living? The girl was very confused and my cousin had to wriggle out of it it is i met someone at a gig one night and he said i the thing is if people come and say how you doing frank they could just be people who've like seen me on stuff or whatever so i said how you doing and then he mentioned a couple of people who we both knew and i thought oh he does know but i don't know who he is i ended up going for a meal with him and his wife and two friends i spent the entire evening and i've never to this day worked out who he was. I ended up going for a meal with him and his wife and two friends. I spent the entire evening and I've

never to this day worked out who he was. You're joking. If you wanted to go up to a celebrity you could hoax them. But no one wants to say I'm sorry I don't know who you are. So you just go with it. You could go, oh man, you could end up living with Kate Moss.

Dave in Canterbury. Morning Frank and team. I was walking down the road, recognised the voice, and behind one of the girls I was behind, so I gave her a bummer slap and promptly got slapped in the face. It wasn't her. I realised some of that didn't make sense. I saw that email there. I thought that was an anagram of a good email.

I noticed it was from somebody called Cider Dave. Well, Cider Dave, I imagine he's slapping women's buttons at random all the time. Is he from the West Country, Cider Dave? I have an image of him in an agricultural smock. That's how I'm seeing Cider Dave. Oh, look at that button. That'll be, oh, in her.

Oh, heck. Like a character in a constable painting. I'm liking Cider Dave. I know he's up. Even though he is Cider Dave, he's up this time of a Saturday morning so he's not bothered about a hangover What is the best job in the world? That's what I'd like to know

The best job in the world? See, it could be this couldn't it? This has got to be up there but there was a bloke on telly this week who was actually wearing a t-shirt saying the best job in the world because he got supposedly the best job in the world because he got supposedly the best job in the world. That's right. And he's

like the caretaker of the barrier reef. So a caretaker is the best job in the world. Yeah, caretaker of the barrier reef. I imagine him in one of those brown coats, you know, caretakers wear. Bringing in a big tray of toilet rolls and some vim. Some school milk as well.

Exactly, yeah. And having to put sawdust on rolls and some vim. Some school milk as well. Exactly. And having to put sawdust on some sick in the barrier reef. He's getting a lot of money though, isn't he? £74,000 for six months work. That's not bad. But if you're the caretaker of the barrier reef, what do you do? Just keep an eye on the coral levels. He has to feed the fish. He has to

open mate. He doesn't have to feed the fish in the barrier reef. They should let them fend for themselves. He's got to do snorkelling, hasn't he? He's got to, I guess, just check that it's all still there. He's got to open mail. Have you ever been, have either of you two been to the barrier reef? No.

No. It's not my kind of place. Would you like that job? No, no. Life's a flip-flop if you've got that job. And I don't like that. You know, I don't like water. I'm not keen on the beach. I don't like the beach, I don't like water.

Oh, you miserable pair. I can't swim, I'm frightened of water. If I was in the Barrier Reef, I'd just be in my caretaker's hot, thinking, oh, God, I can't go outside, I might get drowned. Besides, there's, like, giant jellyfish and that in the barrier reef, aren't there? Sharks. Squid. Is that right?

Yeah. Hake. Rake. Manta rays. Yeah. Manta rays. Yeah. So you're not big on beach holidays,

then I take it you take. Well, because I can't swim at beach holidays. I went to Grenada once in the Caribbean. You know, that Grenada. There's one in Spain as well, I think. And it was all people doing stuff on the beach. And I just sat there and I got a nice tan. Yes, they do stuff on the beach.

Yeah, to me, it's not a holiday. Absolute. That was the four Australians in Europe. And this, with any luck, is our jingle. Saturday morning! It never sounded better, did it? Oh, it's begun. We feel like, I feel like we, that's...

That's the beginning of the show. Well, you're writing off everything we've done before. I have sweated blood this morning. We're a bit late. Yeah, that's all right. So, we went for a pizza, didn't we, locally in central London. I know not everyone listening to this show is in London. Most of them are in the West Midlands, as far as I can work out.

Because we meet up for a chat before we do the show. Yeah, we're friends. We've become friends. Yeah, exactly. Maybe. It doesn't exactly happen that way, but yeah. So we had a pizza. And it has long been my view,

and I once saw one of the characters on Futurama say this, and I thought that's correct, that if a pizza doesn't have an anchovy on it, it isn't a pizza. So there was no pizzas in this place with anchovies, but anchovies did feature in their side topping. Their topping, sorry. So I said, well, I'll have the anchovies as an extra topping.

And the waitress said, well, it won't actually be on top there. It'll be on the side and it'll be cold. So I said, well, could you put them on the pizza and warm them up? And she said, no, they can't do that because you're allergic. So the idea that someone who's allergic to anchovies would select that as their extra topping. But they wouldn't put it on. So I had to eat cold anchovies from a side pot.

It was very misleading, wasn't it? Because they were under a section, extra toppings. Toppings. And it had anchovies, other things you could have. But they wouldn't put it on top of the pizza. But who would order a side dish of cold anchovies, other things you could have, but they wouldn't put it on top of the pizza. But who would order a side dish of cold anchovies anyway? Maybe a sea lion. I don't know how many of those go in there,

but other than that, nobody. It got a bit heated, didn't it? The anchovies didn't. Well, I'm not one to have a go. I mean, the waitress was lovely and looked a bit like Colleen Nolan, which I... Not Colleen Nolan, Colleen Rooney. So I warmed to her, but... She was nice.

I warmed to her, but the anchovies did. No. We could carry on like this all night. We even asked for a candle so that you could warm the anchovies up. Yeah, but I think by then we'd moved into irony. I think you'd agree. But I couldn't believe it. No.

I mean, I'm not one to launch a protest. I mean, I've offered mine to name and shame the place, if I can remember the name of it. It was Fire and Something, it was called. Fire and Water. Funny I had freeze fire and water at that point. It was Something in Stone. Was it?

Oh, no. Maybe it was Fire and Stone. Yeah, I think it was. Yeah, that's right. I mean, the pizza was nice when it came, but a topping has to be on top. They should put toppings on the top. Yeah, that makes absolute sense to me.

We're just talking about the best job. I think a good phoning, what about this for a phoning? Let's turn everything into a phoning. Best topping I've had on the side of a pizza. Now, I thought, what about best job and worst job as a phoning? Sounds good. It's got to be both, but either the best job or the worst job you've ever had. What's the worst job you've ever had, Em?

Have you ever had a bad job? Yeah, I was a greeter in Gap. You know those people who turn at the door and say, Hi, good morning and welcome to Gap. I did that for a long time. Before going to university, on my year off, I did that. I imagine you'd be quite good at that. Do you then steer them towards buying something?

Yeah, but there's so much shoplifting going on because it was in Oxford Street, London. So I would just end up being part greeter, part security guard. Try not to get stabbed, really. Point people at the clothes and play... Just say, help yourselves. Just not the face. But you know, it's strange because it's an American idea

because the company's american but british people don't take kindly to someone going hi welcome to gap they don't like it at all they look at you really suspiciously yeah oh i like it i like that i used to have a job in gap just trying to get the customers to concentrate i used to say mind oh god absolute i think we might have solved the mystery of the man who asked me when I was going back to South Africa. Yes, Len from Ascot says, Frank, the missus thinks

you were mistaken for Stephen Tomkinson. They thought you were going back to South Africa for filming Wild at Heart. Oh, that makes... And you do look a little bit like him. Now, someone once I was... received an offer to be his brother not to be his brother

by his parents. It's a very, very light surrogacy deal. Celebrity sibling. So I was asked to play Stephen Tomkinson's brother so that could be it. One is wild at heart then.

Should I know that? I think he goes to South Africa. It's a Sunday tea time show, and Amanda Holden used to be in it. About wildlife. It's a drama. Wildlife. No, wildlife.

Are they going in a balloon? A hot air balloon? Oh, I've never heard of the thing. Oh, I haven't ever seen it. So it's not a drama. It is a drama. Gareth's talking rubbish. No, is it?

Yes. You must have spotted whether it's a drama or a documentary, even from a scant viewing. It's a drama. Gareth's talking rubbish. No, is it? Yes. You must have spotted whether it's a drama or a documentary, even from a scant viewing. It's a drama. It's about a family relocating in South Africa and there are loads of animals running around and everybody has a great time. Is it not a hot envelope?

No. Well, that would explain. Well, that's good. Well, if that bloke is listening, I'm not Stephen Tomkinson, but I'm sure he is going back to South Africa, so don't panic. Because he looked really worried when I'm not Stephen Tomkinson, but I'm sure he is going back to South Africa, so don't panic. Because he looked really worried when I said I wasn't going back,

because if I'd done a Stephen Fry disappearing, he obviously thought I was Stephen Tomkinson, but also Stephen Tomkinson had had a breakdown and was fleeing wild at heart. The drama Stroke documentary. Featuring a hot air balloon. Yeah, and I imagine there's tigers in it. Are there tigers in South Africa?

Yes. Are there? in South Africa? Yes. Are there? I've just made that up. I'm not sure there are. But perhaps... Oh, no, don't let us know that. I don't need to know that. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Although, hopefully, I'll be going to South Africa for the World Cup. So if I see anything, you know, with black and yellow stripes and big teeth, it'd be as well to know that I can think, well, that could be. Yeah, shut up, Frank. All right. Avoid it. Yes, that was the Stephen Tomkinson part of me arguing.

It's like that, me, myself and Irene. So I'm going to the football today. West Brom could be relegated today. That means go down. That means go down, yeah, to another division. Less good. We say less good, but I don't know. You seem quite sort of resigned to it and philosophical about it.

Well, you know, if you've got a relative who's been ill for, say, many, many years and you think maybe it'd be a blessed release, that's what this season has been a bit like. But last week, as I premiered on the show, I think if that's the right word, previewed on the show, I went to Tottenham as the guest of Sir Alan Sugar,

even though I've never seen The Apprentice. And he did talk about The Apprentice quite a lot. Did he? And I just changed the subject to things like, this chicken is lovely. And I managed to get away with it. I never made any reference, because I wasn't going to kind of pretend I'd seen it.

What sort of things did you say about it? I said, it's a rare balloon in The Apprentice. He said, yeah, when you're going back to it. I said, I've never had it. What sort of things did I say? I said it's a rare balloon in The Apprentice. He said, yeah, when you're going back to it. I said, I've never had it. Sir Alan. Are there any tigers in The Apprentice? What sort of things did he say about The Apprentice? He talked about,

he just talked about the people in it like I knew them. But I was with Adrian Charles, who obviously does know The Apprentice very well. So he could field questions. But I think there was a moment when Sir Alan began an... What about this, for a start, to an anecdote? He said, I remember when I signed Jürgen Klinsmann

on my boat in Monaco. I thought, wow! Come on! That's what I call an anecdote. He was actually quite... I liked him. I thought he would be all aggressive and that, but he was very... I tell you what, he was dripping with common sense. Was he?

We talked about things like financial investment. He just sounded like the most sensible, like, correct bloke in the world. I just... I came to believe in him. If he started a strange cult, I think I would be one of Sir Alan Sugar's followers. Actually, perhaps he has started a strange cult.

In that term, that's what The Apprentice is. And, of course, I'm not, so don't watch it. Absolute. Oh, I forgot how good that was. It's a design for life by Manic Street Preachers. Hey, Frank, listen to this email. It says, on the subject of mistaken identity, I mistook The Fall for music worth listening because you guys played it.

Now he's gone too far who sent that? oh they've remained anonymous quite sensibly let me just tell you this once you listen to The Fall you don't want to listen to anything else if it was up to me that's all I'd play on this show it's just The Fall, The Fall, The Fall and I think people who don't like it they have something missing in their souls

that's what I think on the other hand, someone takes it in. Mannix and Frank Skinner, my two favourite things in the whole world. Well, but perhaps they make Mannix depressive. Absolute. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth

and Katie Brand. Our guest will be here soon. I love her. I think she might be in the building, even. I'm very excited to meet her um i was waiting for gareth to say something then but if i have to i have to fill the gaps shall we talk about something else while gareth thinks about what he's going to say next i am it's very exciting this week oh i'd say can i just have a relax now go on we um we my wife in case you don't know l Lister, my wife's pregnant.

She's going to have it. We're due on the 4th of June, so I think it's three weeks. Oh, wow. So I might be a father. But they can be early or late. I'm guessing yours will be late. They don't give you a definite date. No, we think you can.

You can have a sunroof job. Oh, a caesarean? Yeah. Is thatroof job. Caesarean? Yeah. Is that your word for a caesarean? Isn't that the technical term? I don't think you have a glass. No, you could. That would be quite exciting. A womb with a view.

You are the best! Thank you very much. So, yeah, so... Yeah, so that's good. So this week we did some exciting landmark things. We packed the bag for the hospital. What, already? Yes, because it could happen at any moment.

But surely the cakes will have gone off if you last the full three weeks. You packed the bag three weeks before it's due. Yeah, because you don't want to be rushing around looking for your toothpaste. Well, I hate to tell you, but I feel that might be something of an inevitability, rushing around,

taking the wife to hospitals to have a baby. No, I don't think so. Not with gash girls saying, come on, Laura, let's go to the hospital. Have you not got a number for a taxi? I had no idea that pregnant women packed the bags three. Do you keep it by the door? You have to get everything ready.

Yeah, well, you keep it somewhere accessible, yes. No point locking it away. I find most of the women I've lived with have kept a pat back ready at all times also that the um our travel system arrived so a buggy is that is that another word for a car no it's um like a you know the push chair and but everything clips on. So there's a car seat and a cot and a pram thing, and it all clips on. Like Transformers? Yeah, exactly like Transformers. It's possibly the best thing we've ever owned.

It's amazing. A car seat clips onto the buggy? Yeah, the car seat clips onto the buggy. There's like a cockpit. Is that so you can sort of ride like a sort of motorbike and sidecar thing with that car seat clips on

doesn't make any sense I tell you what I did find interesting that's something you told me was about

the light bulbs yeah Laura because you know you have cravings well Laura's

got some aversions to things and one thing she couldn't stand was the smell of energy saving light

bulbs have they got a smell well no if you're pregnant you probably all your senses but it's I can smell she couldn't stand was the smell of energy-saving light bulbs. Have they got a smell? Well, no. If you're pregnant, you probably... Yeah. All your senses... But I couldn't smell a thing.

No. I don't like the smell of the light bulbs. Was that what she's like? Are you sure that was her pregnancy? I'm terrified to live with that person. Where's the light bulb? Get off me. Pack your bag.

Still, if you have a big row, the bag's packed. She's out of there. Absolute. That was Focus, Sylvia, and boy, did I play air guitar like there was no tomorrow. So, Katie Brand is with us. Hurrah. Good morning. Do you ever play

air guitar, Katie? No, I've never played air guitar. Girls don't, do they much? No. It's not, there's no sort of phallic significance for girls. No, I guess that's true. I guess we play air tambourine. Maybe a bongo. Yeah, maybe a bongo, yeah. Didn't Amanda Holden play air guitar on

Britain's Got Talent? Yes, she did. She was photographed in the paper getting very into it. No, she did it on the, because they had a bloke who played Britain's Got, not played Britain's Got Talent. He played air guitar on Britain's Got Talent. Didn't get through. I don't think he did. He didn't mean to play air guitar.

He just forgot. I thought, oh, so I don't do it anyway. The great thing about air guitar, you're not only a musician, you're a craftsman because you've made your instrument.

The true test, if any of you out there who love air guitar, the true test of the air guitar connoisseur Is if it's an Hendrix track they play left handed That's how you test it That has rendered the studio silent

I'm good at that So Katie, it's lovely to see you It's nice to see you too I should say that me and Katie once spent three days In a house with no phones, no television, no internet, completely separated from the world. No newspapers, no radio. What, for a TV show, I hope?

Yes. No, we had a whirlwind affair. With four other people. It was haunted. Oh, it was haunted. I forgot it was haunted. Yeah, that's because the ghost didn't visit you. You were unaffected.

True. And completely oblivious. It was a bit of a ladies' man, the ghost. It was, it was, though. It was a ladies' man. None of the men picked up on it at all. It was all of us just going nuts. I can't remember what happened there, didn't it? There was a sauna in this house and the sauna started bleeding.

Oh, yeah. Didn't you have a ghostly shower experience? Yes, I did. Yes. There was a shower in my... as part of my bedroom and I went to sleep for an hour in the afternoon when we arrived. And when I woke up, someone had used my shower and left wet towels all over the floor. And when I went downstairs, no one had had a shower.

And that was just the beginning of it. It was awful. It's odd because you don't ever think of a ghost sort of doing a blue shower. It was quite a banal ghost, wasn't it? Someone said it was an ex-owner of the house and the housekeeper, the ghost had said to the housekeeper, yeah, I like what you've done with the place.

Yeah, exactly. Do you remember that? The ghost commented on the extension. I guess if you're a ghost, what with you being see-through, you have to keep yourself fairly clean. Otherwise you get less and less see-through as you get groggier. Dust sticks to you. Yeah, exactly.

So what was the programme you were doing? It was called The Bobble. It's been commissioned, I believe. Yeah, it was a pilot. I hope it has, otherwise I've just announced it. It will be now. There'll be loads of people really excited. They'll be booking holidays and then it isn't.

The idea was that you're hidden from the world for three days and then we went back to a studio. It was me, Katie and Miranda Hart, the comedy was that you're hidden from the world for three days, and then we went back to a studio. It was me, Katie, and Miranda Hart, the comedy actress. Yes. And then they asked us questions about the news and showed us clips and that from the news, but some were real and some were made up. And we had to guess.

Yeah, it was a good idea. But because none of us had slept, or more accurately, Miranda and I hadn't slept because of the ghost, there was a slightly sort of hysterical atmosphere by the time we got to the studio, wasn't there? I think we should have brought the ghost on as a sort of guest thing. He was there, did you not? Oh no, I didn't see him.

I wasn't at him. He commented on the lighting. Well, I think he was showing off some of that dust he'd got on his armpits. Yeah, he went over and had a really long, boring conversation about the tech spec of the cameras. So, Katie, we should start off with a plug.

Your new series of Katie Brand's Big Ass... Show. Yes, it's coming to iTunes. We... Sorry, oh, my God, I'm in a faux pas. Extraordinaire. We start filming on Monday, so, yeah, it'll be on in September. So that's it.

Oh, you're right. So do you film kind of every day for, what would that be, two, three months then? Is it flat out? Yeah, we film from seven in the morning until eight in the evening every, well, Monday to Friday for seven weeks. And is the first couple of hours you in the makeup chair being transformed? I get into the makeup chair at seven, between half past six and seven, depending on the character I'm doing.

And then, yeah, by eight o'clock, it's funny o'clock with me. I start grumpy and just get progressively more grumpy as the day goes on. So what time do you get really grumpy? I think I start getting sort of tearful, like a sort of two-year-old, at about 3pm. You know when two-year-olds... Thank goodness this show ends at 10.

Two-year-olds sort of stand in front of the mirror crying, looking at themselves crying to make themselves cry even more. That's the kind of... Oh, I do that all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get there about half past nine, don't I, in this show?

Yeah. Oh right, okay. He dips a bit. We've got about eight minutes. Yeah, we have to get him a chocolate bar. The other thing I'm doing

Frank, would you like to know the other thing? Go on, tell me the other thing and we'll delay the advert break. Okay, well the other thing I'm doing is a one-off live show

with a load of friends of mine at the Udderbelly on the South Bank on the 12th of July. It's a live show. Well I think we might get some more details

do you think you might just after this absolute for some reason I played air bass on that one rather than air guitar really

I was playing air violin on that one did you play it left handed or right handed I always hold the violin in the left hand otherwise the strings

are the wrong way round I think in a society that no longer believes in God, the air guitar is... That's a bold statement, Frank. Generally speaking, that the air guitar is the last trace of belief in the unseen.

That's what I think. That's very profound. OK, so there you go. There's another studio silence. There's another studio silence. Absolute rodeo. You were just telling us about a show you were doing on the river. Yeah.

Basically, there's a big venue in Edinburgh called the Underbelly, which has multiple venues at the Edinburgh Festival and has a lot of really great acts. And they have this huge upside-down purple inflatable cow, which is one of their venues, which they put up in a big square in Edinburgh and it seats sort of a few hundred people. And they've brought the cow on the back of a lorry.

They've strapped it to the roof rack. How big is the cow? It's huge. I think it has room for like two bars and an 800-seat theatre in it, I think. In the cow? Yeah, in this inflatable cow. You can't carry that on a truck. Well, you know, I don't know what they've done with it.

Maybe they deflated it, packed it up like a tent. But they've brought it down and they've put it up on the South Bank. And they're having this sort of two-month season of comedy gigs, lots of one-off gigs, a couple of runs from big-name comedians. And I am taking control of one hour on Sunday, the 12th of July. What does that mean, taking control? It means that I'm going to take all the money and make a load of my friends do the show for free while I go on holiday. No, I'm not.

I am going to do the show with some of my friends. So I get to do whatever I want live for that hour on that night. And this is on the South Bank? Yeah. It's called the Udder Belly on the South Bank. Is this because Melvin Bragg has retired? There's no gap on the South Bank? Yeah, there's a gap on the South Bank. Do you know what? I actually was

I've been on the South Bank several times and almost you know, three or four times I actually was, I have been on the South Bank several times and almost, you know, three or four times I've seen Melvin Bragg on the South Bank and I worry that he doesn't know he can leave. Surely he'll leave. He just has to wander

up and down the South Bank. He won't live there homeless. With his Garrick tie. That would be, that would be terrible. But yeah, it's on the, yeah, 12th of July.

You can buy tickets online, you can phone, you can do all those sorts of July. You can buy tickets online, you can phone, you can do all those sorts of things. We might even go. I think we should go. And there's loads of... We can have a works outing. Yeah. Will you? Oh, yeah, have a nice... Like those Japanese factories,

where you all have to go on holiday together. Do that. Actually, we could do that. You know, they start... In Japanese offices, they start with the company song. Do they? Yeah, we should do that on Saturday mornings. With our song? I'll write a song

about Absolute and the home of the no repeat guarantee. Yeah, you should do that. I'll record it. What does that mean? Is that no repeat ever from the beginning of Absolute Radio until it ends? Yeah, they've never played the same track twice or indeed said the same word. Ever? Ever. That's not what you were just sort of...

There's a list, there's a massive list. You're reduced to kind of Rod, Jane and Fred, by 2020. Oh no, now you've ruined those three names, we can't use those anymore. Imagine if you couldn't repeat the same words, they were all on a computer screen slowly disappearing.

You'd just end up in a sort of Haikyuu by the end of this. Exactly. Hippopotamus. That's gone now. Onomat sort of haiku by the end of this. Exactly. Hippopotamus. Oh, now that's gone now. Onomatopoeia, that's gone. No, it means, you know, I'll be honest with you, as much as I love Absolute Radio, I've never quite worked out what the no repeat guarantee is.

Well, on other radio stations, they just have the same playlist every hour, don't they? It just starts again at the beginning of the hour. So maybe that's what that means. I mean, I just play. I know I get four of my own picks every week. Four of your own? What are your four today? Which is very exciting. We were talking about people

had to guess what they were, but people got it so easily, we stopped doing that. Well, that Focus one that was playing, Focus are a Dutch prog rock band that was playing when you came into the studio. I like that a lot. Yeah, that's the first yodelling we've had on the show.

That's good. Presumably you've played She's Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze. That's been one of your picks. I haven't. You've probably gone through most of the soundtrack of Dirty Dancing. He loves Dirty Dancing. Do you? Yeah.

I love Dirty Dancing. Can I tell you about this email I've got? Because I'm quite excited about it. Okay. Okay. It was sent in last week. The producer gave it to me. Tell me what you think of this, Katie.

Okay. You're a bird. Thank you. Thank you for noticing. I'll clean that up. See, I didn't want to commit, because she's on the other side of the desk from me. I can only see head and shoulders.

It's nice to have a girl in your life. It could have been Anthony and the Johnsons for all I know. Do you do him? No. He'd be good. He's doing himself, isn't he? Yeah. I always like that.

I feel his fist and it feels like love and all that business. Oh, yes. Wasn't that the title of Muhammad Ali's last one? Go on, what was your email? Emily. It's from someone

called Joe and he says, is Emily still single? There's some debate about this because Neil Francis is on before us. He's taken it,

he's absolutely convinced that Emily's lying about being single. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm not lying. She's so single, I can't tell you. How long have you been single, Emily? Oh, ages, about two single. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm not lying. She's so single, I can't tell you. How long have you been single, Emily? Oh, ages, about

two years. Okay. But why a beautiful woman such as yourself? I know, it's a mystery. If you have a friend who's single who seems to you to be beautiful and intelligent and funny, you always think in a relationship they must be an absolute nightmare. Anyway, carry on.

You're not wrong, I have to say. Anyway, is Emily still single? I think she is funny. True, I agree with that. We like that. And what makes it even better, I saw her on your webcam and she is gorgeous too. It's like a fisheye lens.

So it makes you look like you've got cheekbones but a very big nose. Yeah, that's it. It does bleach everything out, like Bananarama video, so it makes you look a bit younger. Oh, that's good. Or like Pamela Anderson programmes. Yes. If she ever wants a drink with a 25-year-old primary school teacher,

then let me know. Definitely, yes. Well, they've got lots of spare time, primary school teachers. Absolutely. Long holidays, nice long holidays. Yeah, exactly. Sounds nice, don't you think? No marking, really, is there? No, first day of term.

Cat tick, dog tick, whatever. That's those words you used up. Very good if you soil yourself. They're good at cleaning up. Yes, that's good. All right, then. First day of term, they just say, there's the sandpit, and then that's it.

That's all up to the staff room for a big joint. But is it all right to do that, to date through a radio show? Yeah, of course it is. I didn't know you'd check the legislation. They're all said with incredible confidence. Why would it be illegal? Absolute.

That was Velvet on the go. Joe's going to be in a sort of haze of sort of... He'll be overwhelmed with feeling at his home now, won't he? Do primary school teachers get overwhelmed with anything other than the smell of urine? Oh, God. I don't know. By the way, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth

and what's more, Katie Brand is with us. So what about that? Now, I met Paul McCartney this week. Did you? I'm telling everyone I meet, I have to tell you. I'm like the ancient mariner in that respect. But you have a Paul McCartney link. I have a very, very tenuous Paul McCartney link.

They're the best. Yeah. That's quite a good six degrees of separation, isn't it? Because Paul McCartney's got to have met a lot of people. Oh, God, yeah. My grandfather conducted a brass band for Yellow Submarine for Paul McCartney. Wow. A long, long time ago.

I wasn't born. What, for the actual track? I'm not 100% sure. That's why I'm being a bit shifty about it. OK. The bit that goes... I'm not sure what it was. a bit shifty about it. Okay. The bit that goes na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na There you are, you see? There we are. And I starred in Brassed Off. Did you? Well, I didn't, but Paul Tomkinson.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Stephen Tomkinson did. Who I get mistaken for all the time. You do look a bit like him. Yes. A little. Well, I've had a hard life. Now, we were talking about clothes shopping, weren't we? Now, I'm not assuming because you're a woman that you you are into clothes

shopping katie but there was a phenomenon that um emily was talking about which me and gareth were we were non-plussed okay so i'd love to hear what you i sort of bond with the shop assistant so heavily that i then feel obliged to buy something and obviously i couldn't do that because i don't you know i can't afford to just just buy from every shop I go into. Okay. So what I do is I say, oh, that's lovely.

Could you just put it aside for me? And then I think I'll leave the shop and they'll still like me and I won't have soiled the relationship or tainted it. I think we're getting

a little insight into what Emily's like in a relationship. Yeah. That could be, yes. Yes. Will you put my love... Run, Jo, run while you still yes. Will you put my love... Run, Joe, run while you still can.

Will you put my love to one side? I'll be back for it later. I'll be back for it, yeah, right. And I leave the shop and I hope he still likes me. Oh, no. I think you could be right. Yeah, I think we can. No, I don't do that.

I don't do that. I'm extremely unfriendly to shop assistants. Are you? And I don't like any input. I don't do that. I'm extremely unfriendly to shop assistants. Are you? And I don't like any input. I don't like any kind of sort of input or help or advice.

I don't like shopping with friends. I don't like shopping with anyone. I just like buying clothes on my own and then wearing them with other people. That is what I like. But I'm not really typical in that sense. So I'm a bit of an impatient shopper. But I do know what you mean. There is an embarrassment when you go into a very posh shop yeah but you feel like you're not really wanted there's a sort

of pretty woman syndrome where they all kind of turn and look at you yeah garris do you have that yeah no i know exactly what you mean so yeah you know i i could buy something here but i'm not now but i might come back around so if someone's been particularly helpful and you just feel like you're kind of you do feel like you're kind of you do feel like you're in a relationship that you don't want to be in anymore yeah and uh and you don't really know what to do and you feel like they've invested a lot of time and you're not but um but there is that thing of designer shops where you don't want them to think that you're not good enough to buy something they always think that but sometimes there's a panic buy where you

buy something extremely expensive and inappropriate just to prove that you can. That's designer shops, so I feel bad about buying one of the nine items they've got in the shop. You might. But I'm going to leave them a bit short. My girlfriend buys things. She never, ever tries clothes on. Yeah. She buys them and then tries them on at home, and if they're the wrong size, she takes them back. Yeah, I did that for a while, but I never took them back.

So I've just got piles of clothes with the... You spend a lot of money that way. Yeah, well, she's got... Basically, she's got a bag. She's always got things from Senza. Yeah. A bag in the bottom that if she's passing, she'll take back. It's very dangerous going past Oxford Circus

because you've always got to pop into Topshop, haven't you? Just to have a look. Well, I'll tell you what... Come out with a nosebleed. When I used to be on telly a lot, you used to get clothing allowances. Did you? When I was doing the chat show...

It was a different time for you, wasn't it? The golden age. Before the credit crunch. We lived the life of Riley. You and your flowers and candles budget. Yes. And I've still got those shirts and suits from the chat show four years ago,

so there's no point in buying any new clothes. You're like a dodgy MP, you, aren't you? It's like the comedian's version of fiddling are expensive. The taxpayer owns those suits and shirts, Frank. Yeah, but God, I'm getting their wear out of them. I have to say, they're threadbare. Absolute. Elbow, one day

like this. Katie's caught me out. The lack of enthusiasm. No, Will. My favourite curtain song, definitely. Is it? Your curtain bass song. Yeah. What do you mean? Throw those curtains

while I'm doing... Some of those songs? Yeah. I haven't listened to it. I think they must have made so much money out of Airplay, it should be one song like this a year, because it should see me right, I reckon, for them. Does it sound like A-ha, or is that my...? No.

A-ha's much better than them. My problem is I don't know my A-ha's from my album. Oh, dear. Oh, Frank. I was going to say say you were so way ahead of me there and relaxed but I get

but yeah that was good so the question everyone asks you Katie Brand yeah is when you meet all these people

that you so so mercilessly mercilessly lampoon yes thanks thank god you're here she's got a different word

those words are on her screen I can't use them. No, that's just... I'm just quoting articles from The Sun. Yeah. Are they all good fun? And go, ha-ha.

Yeah. I haven't met that many of them, to be honest. I've had good feedback from Adele. It was very nice. And I met Lily Allen in a restaurant, but I think we both left with our dignity intact. It was an awkward moment. Was it?

Yeah. But it was fine. She's all right, really. Did you speak to each other? Yeah. I like that. Yeah. What was even weirder was Andrew Lloyd Webber was sitting at a table a couple of tables down as well.

It was a very odd night. It was a very odd night. It did my head in. But the nicest person I met was Kate Moss. She's really cool. Oh, that's good. Everything that you think about Kate Moss is true. Really?

Yes. No, not everything. Your eyes are pretty glazed over there. I can't believe it. Surely not. Well, she should be ashamed of herself. Yes, I know, Frank, but she isn't. Well, good for her.

Yeah, she's great. She's really, really good. She's really fun and sort of mischievous and naughty and a good laugh. Yeah, she's great. I've never met Kate. I was in a restaurant once where she was. But as I was saying earlier on this show, I'm not very good at approaching celebrities. Right.

What do you do? Well, I just don't know. I don't know. I remember I was in a pub in Birmingham once. You panic and punch them or something. And the pub was owned by the bloke that played Benny in Crossroads, Benny Hawkins. OK, well, if you can't even approach him, then you're in hell with Kate Moss. I went over to him and we shook hands.

And the whole pub went silent and looked at us shaking hands like it was a... A meeting of minds. shaking hands like it was a meeting of minds in Birmingham it was like that moment on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel where God touches Adam's finger it was like that was a little lightning bolt and I can't cope with the stress of I know I couldn't go up to Kate Moss I imagined she'd be very off with me and I always think they won't know who I am that's what I always think well but I sort of my worry about Kate Moss was I thought, you know that thing about if a lion could speak English, you know, we still wouldn't understand each other.

I sort of felt like that. You know, I've never heard that before, but I quite like it. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? If a lion could speak English. We still wouldn't understand them. Yeah, because they're so different. But that's what I thought about Kate Moss. I thought we just won't have anything to say and we'll sort of stare at each other and not have any common ground, but she wasn't like that at all.

She was just really down to earth and nice and fun. Because it must be an odd life, because wasn't she walking through an airport when she was 15 or something, and someone went up to her and said, I'm going to make you a star model. Would you like to be Kate Moss in the future? Someone said that to me. Really? And I said,

well, I don't know, what's the hours like? Almost none. Well, I don't know, what's the airwaves like? Almost none. I didn't want to stay on that line. No, no, sure. And the Pete Doherty thing was out of the question. Oh, dirty fingernails. Dirty, dirty fingernails. Oh, dirty fingernails, almost certainly. I've seen the evidence. Oh, have you really? Yeah. You've met them all, you have. Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, I'm glad Kate Moss was... Did you stand around in Hoxton for long enough? met them all, you have. Oh, well, you know.

Well, I'm glad Kate Moss was... Did you stand around in Hoxton for long enough? Yes. Is that the title of your memoir? So, Gareth was talking about rabbits before. Brilliant. Segway, Frank. Yeah. Yes, we are.

Smooth as silk on absolute radio. It's like spinning plates, this shit. If I see one plate looking like it's going to fall off the bamboo stick, I give it a quick spin. We had a tragedy this week. The world's biggest rabbit died. Uh-oh. Her name...

He used new energy. What is it? The radio thing? Yeah, exactly. Sad faces, everyone. We, um... I've always said, even if rabbits can speak English, we wouldn't know.

No, we wouldn't. I think we stand a better chance than with lions, though. Yeah. She was on Record Breakers, but in Italy. Okay. And she was appearing on that, and then that night in the hotel room, she died. Was she alone in the hotel room?

That sounds very rock and roll, doesn't it? Yeah, I know, like an overdose. Yeah, the painkillers found by the, the painkillers found by the bed. Painkillers found by the bed. With a bit of mash. A bottle of gin. And a rabbit mash on the side. Pellets all over the floor.

Degrading last moments. But a great death considering it happened during the World Snooker Talk. In the sun it said tragedy for her 32 kids. I did not say that. Let me see that. Where? Oh, yes, it does. Tragedy for her 32 kids.

I bet they're big, aren't they? That's the thing, Alice. They've got to find them all and tell them. Her daughter is now the biggest. They reckon Alice is two inches longer than her, so she was about to lose her crown. It's a tragic story. Well, mother-daughter relationship's always very difficult.

That's clearly a sort of Lucretia Borgia murder. Killed her mother. Look, that's it. Katie's been great seeing you again. I love you. Oh, thanks. I love Katie as well. Oh, good.

I love all of you. Yeah, because Emily doesn't normally like other women. Oh, come on. Joe, get in touch. Get in touch, please. I'm very keen on that. You know, on Blind Date, they had the first Blind Date wedding. Oh, don't put any pressure on him.

No, but it needn't be a wedding. The first Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio date I'd be happy with. That's it anyway. Thanks very much, Katie. Thank you for having me. And we'll be back next week, and hopefully West Brom will still be in the premiership. Good day to you.