The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Laura Solon

Episode Date: September 12, 2009

This week Frank, Emily and Gareth are joined in the studio by comedian Laura Solon, who discuss stuffed rabbits, stuffed kittens and stuffed lions!

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's the Frank Skinner Absolute Podcast in arguably the hottest studio I've ever been in my life. It's tropical, isn't it?

It's like Kew in here. It's better now we've all got our clothes off. We're doing a Bikram podcast this week. It's sort of a Hawaiian type of... I wish I'd brought my ukulele and maybe we could have worn grass. Hi, welcome to podcast. type of... I wish I'd brought my ukulele and maybe we could have worn grass. Hi! Welcome to podcast! Aloha!

I could have gone surfing in the sweat that's pouring off us onto the floor. That would have been great. Salty surfing. My favourite kind. Anyway, it's no good being here moaning about the heat. There might be people in Siberia listening to this. It's unlikely, I know. So this week's show, Laura moaning about the heat. There might be people in Siberia listening to this. It's unlikely, I know. So this week's show, Laura Solon was the guest.

Oh, she was lovely. It was exciting, though, wasn't it? Because Laura Solon is a kind of comedy actress, character person. So I'd never heard of being Laura Solon before. And you always worry that all their comedy goes into their acting and the fact that there's nothing, there's just a husk left. But she was brilliant and funny and very likeable indeed. Laura Solon, more than a husk.

That can be next year's show. She can use that on her post. She can do it as herself. Yeah, I think that would be good. More than a husk. So that's it. And that's the show. And we talked about things as well.

We talked about it. Lots of really good texting from everyone. We did, yeah. Solved some problems. I find that the readers, I'm calling them the readers because it's a text, I'm finding that every week I become happier with our catchment area. I think we're attracting the right types.

We're filtering out the chaff. That's right. So that's got rid of the chaff and the hoff. So anyway, here come the podcast. Absolute Radio. Welcome to the show on Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner and I'm with Emily and Gareth, my dear friends and compatriots.

And if you want to text us, I'm going to do this before we've asked you to text us anything. We're on 8, 12, 15. Yeah. I like when it flows in. Do you us, I'm going to do this before we've asked you to text us anything. We're on 8, 12, 15. Yeah. I just, I like when it flows in. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, what did you do then, Emma?

Put Emily's mic up. Oh. Oh. I was hoping she hadn't noticed that. Emily just said three of the funniest things ever on British radio. Sadly. You've missed it now. Sadly you didn't hear them.

So, can I just point out, I say this is Frank Skinner. Actually, this is Dr. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Why are you Dr. Frank Skinner? Because yesterday I got an honorary doctorate from Wolverhampton University. You? And now I can now officially call myself Dr. Skinner. In fact, I've already published surgery hours. Can we just call you Dr. Frankenstein and search?

Well, I've certainly created a monster, if you know what I'm saying, Emily. So that's why you gave us all the examinations when we came in today. Yeah, exactly. The results of your smear test, Gareth, will be next Saturday when I shall read them out on air, so fingers crossed! It was a very

lovely day out. I met lots of nice students in mortarboards. You know, we all had the gear on. I wore a gown with like a sort of big beret with a tassel on. If you're a doctor, you don't wear a mortarboard. You wear the big beret with the tassel. It looked like it might flush the whole outfit if you pulled it. But obviously I didn't try that. And my 17-year-old goddaughter was there.

And they do a thing at the beginning, before you get your thing, they read out your career, basically. It's like you see... It's called encomium, is that the word? I don't know. You're asking the wrong people here. OK. Barely scrape a degree between us. OK, well, that's the... How dare you? That's the phone in this morning.

It's encomium. It's all right. No. So they read out a thing about you, including they mention Annie has a radio show on Absolute Radio, which obviously I felt very proud about. And then my goddaughter said to me after, I didn't know you'd got a radio show. And I said, oh yeah, yeah. And she said, oh, listen to that. What time's it on? I said, eight o'clock on Saturday morning. She went,

uh. So I don't think there is an eight o'clock on Saturday mornings if you're 17. I'd forgotten that. No, that's true. So she won't be listening. So you're a doctor and a godfather. A doctor and a godfather, yeah. I'm just gathering titles. I'm gathering titles in May.

Well, it's not May, actually. I don't know where I went into that slightly camp voice either, but it's early. A Bramley godfather doesn't sound quite the same. Why not? A goddaughter. A right godfather. Do you have to sort out the stuff for her?

Do you have to make people off if they can't refuse? I haven't done that, yeah. No. Go on, I'm getting on the brummy, the anti-brummy. I'm calling it regionalism. That's what I'm calling it, Gareth.

No, I think the brummy godfather, I think there's something in it. I think we could... Well, Ed, I'm happy to sit and wait for you to find something in it. I'm a comedy nature. Well, I feel like I'm getting the support it needs to fly. Well, OK, I'll try with it, then.

Come on, I'm doing the vacuuming. So I wait. Oh, what's this in my bed? Ooh, it's an Aussie's head. Ooh, that'll be all right with a few onions. All right, Godfather, I've got this problem right. Oh, what is it, mate? Terrible accent.

Round our chip shop, they've put up the price of chips and no-one can afford it any more. Well, that's absolutely terrible. Well, what I'll do is I'll make you an omelette you can't refuse. Oh, God, I think we kind of got there in the end, you know what I'm saying? Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, did you watch Darren Brown expose how you can predict the lottery? Yeah, but he didn't really, did he? Let's be honest. I don't want to cast aspersions because I don't work in a flower shop.

But I think he lied, didn't he, last night? He completely lied about the whole thing. Well, I am going to cast an astersion. Oh, are you? Cast aspersions, isn't that that South African runner? What, you mean the two for one? Yes, two for the price of one runner, yes. You mean him?

Yeah, it was totally made up. Because there's no way that that was mathematically possible for him to work that out. In case you didn't see the programme, he predicted all six absolute numbers. Which is not easy, because there aren't any. He predicted all six lottery numbers, which is kind of impressive, because he said he was going to tell us how he did it the next night, which would obviously be quite handy to know.

Although if everyone knew, it would ruin the whole lottery. And I love Derren Brown. That would be the end of the Royal Opera House. I felt let down last night. I have to be honest, Frank. Yeah, I felt let down by Derren. Yes, well, that's probably not the first time that's happened. But magicians do lie, don't they?

That's part of what they do. I accept that, but he does set himself up as someone who says, you know, I'm just a magician. And he did say he'd tell us how he did the trick. I mean, I reckon I know how he did the trick, but I don't know if he could explain it on radio. Well, it's to do with cameras, isn't it?

It's to do with a thing called a lock off camera. So you make half of the picture is live and the other half is recorded. So what you do, you record the balls just there in a rack and then, not in a rack obviously because we withdrew the balls from a rack several weeks ago. And so

Darren's on one side of the screen live and on the other side of the screen is a recording of the balls. And while that's in, someone is changing the balls, but you can't see them because you're watching a recording. Then there's a click, click, click, and suddenly it's all live. So the balls are live, but they've been changed by an assistant. That's how it's done.

But obviously... That's how Casta Semenya did it as well. I know. Lay off the Casta Semenya. We don't even know. There's been no verification of her results. In case you don't know about this, this is the South African runner

who is one of the fastest women in the world. Or men. One of the fastest women in the world. Yeah, we don't know yet. But there's been... Why don't they ask Derren Brown? I'm sure he can sort the whole thing out. We should say that we do love Derren Brown.

He's a friend of the show. Friend of the show! FOS! Yeah, because he's been on here. And we liked him, didn't we? He's good. Yeah, I love Derren Brown. I just feel a bit let down.

Like a boyfriend who's maybe cheated on me a little bit. Yeah. Just a little bit, though. Nothing too serious. Just a little cheat. I don't mind a little bit but one who said i am cheating on you but you have to work out how i'm doing it tomorrow night i'll explain

now that would have been a brilliant i'd have watched that program oh yeah by the way we had this idea that instead of people just phoning in for things, we're just going to ask people to send in questions for us, which I thought was quite a good idea. Listen to this. That's the question time.

So what we want to do is just send in any question you like as long as it's not too insulting to any of us three or all of us. OK, I've got one.

Shall I do one? No, no, because we've got to play some music first. You've got one already. Yeah. Aren't No, no, because we've got to play some music first. You've got one already? Yeah. I love this music question. It is fabulous, isn't it? We should do it over that bed.

First of all, we've got to play some music. Radio. Hey, listen, we've had a text in. I always listen. You don't have to give me that opener to attack my attention. I feel I have to make sure sometimes. OK, by the way, if you do want to text us, it's on 8-12-15. Hi, Frank, Gareth and Emily.

Great show. Did you realise Caster Semenya is an anagram of Yes, a secret man? And that's from Karim and Tooting. Caster Semenya, as I say, is the woman who might be the man. Yes, a secret man.

Oh, my God, that does work. It does work. You don't think the whole thing... It's going to be Derren Brown, isn't it? He's going to say, I actually invented Ca Semenya. Sent her out there with both sets. I hope he doesn't show us how he did it.

I wouldn't like that. No, no, that would be horrible. They'd have to bring in that German bloke in the hat that does the post-mortems. And I find him strangely unnerving. I don't know if I'm alone in that. Someone came up to me the other day with a book, by the way, and said, would you sign this book for my boyfriend?

It wasn't my book. Oh, whose book was it? Well, it was The Story of O, which apparently is an erotic classic. Was it Stephen Tomkinson's autobiography? Because he's your looky-likey, apparently. Well, you say he's my looky-likey, but only if I'd been repeatedly punched in the face. If you're listening, Stephen, a bit early for you, mate.

Yeah, so I signed... It's all right to sign an erotic classic, do you think? Well, it depends where it ends up. Whose hands it might end up in. It's just odd to sign. And another one, when I was at the match, when I was at Wembley on Wednesday, a woman...

I was buying a fish and chips from the thing, and the woman said to me, oh, you look a lot better on television. Oh. Well, that's, that's what, no need for that, is there? No. If I'd have said something like that, if I'd have said that to the woman selling the chips,

if I'd have said, I can't imagine any context in which you look better than you look now, which is preposterous, then she'd have said, oh, that nasty, starry Frank Skinner treats people like rubbish, but it's okay. They would have said you were a modern-day Churchill, Frank, if you'd have said that. That would have been lovely.

Hey, someone's texted in as well. Have you seen this, Gareth? Saying, you know, we ask people to ask us questions, and someone said, why are women so miserable? That's not the kind of question we want. Or would you like to answer that? I think that's quite a good question okay frank and gareth over to you for some misogyny no well why are women so miserable because they have to put up with men hey hey hey men are the problems of the cause of all problems. Yeah, men start wars, right?

Most of the street violence is men. Most violence, most unpleasant, most crime is men. Young men are completely ruining the world. Why don't we just imprison all young men? This is obviously something that, coming from an old man, would have certain fringe benefits. But, yeah, young men are terrible. Women women are much nicer most of my friends are women and um but our men egged on in a lady mcbeth sort of way by women oh i see where you're coming from now yeah so you think there's an evil woman behind every

evil man saying go on go on yeah at least it's like me with you and frank i'm the evil woman behind you there's an element i think evil would be uh over the top nasty is the word i i personally would have gone for frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we've been asking people this is frank skinner on absolute radio Radio with Gareth and Emily. I used to say Emily and Gareth, I don't need to read anything into that, Emily. It's just that I was just looking at Gareth at the time. And we're asking people to text us on 81215 with just questions, that's all. We just, you know, we want to know what you want to know.

That's what we want to know. Also, we've got Laura Solon in After the News is our guest, who is uh perrier winning oh yeah i saw her show in edinburgh i saw her show in edinburgh as well did you see a show gareth oh yeah don't do your research then just turn off i didn't know she was coming on the show no that's it leave everything to the last minute you should have asked darren brad so have you had any questions yet um yes um so right at the start of the show, Stephen takes it in and said,

I'm lying in bed listening to you all with a problem. It's a lovely day. I would love to go to the beach today. However, if I do, the wife will not be happy as we are about to move to a new house and have lots of decorating to do. Looking for an excuse not to do the decorating. Any suggestions?

Well. Excuses not to do the decorating any suggestions well excuses not to decorate um did he say they're moving house yes well that's a fairly good excuse let the next people do it well no but that's what my dad always does is i know if we're thinking of moving because he starts decorating so it doesn't matter if you're living in it but if you want to sell it, you decorate it so it looks nice. You see, I think nowadays the swines that can stop you doing almost anything the swine flu. What I believe they call in France, swindle flu.

Swindle flu! Swindle flu! You see the adverts in France, it's a load of books going swindle flu, swindle flu! And they have lots of people sneezing. It's a very impressive campaign. So you're saying use it as an excuse? Use Harrison Ford, swindle flu. And they have lots of people sneezing. It's a very impressive campaign. So you're saying use it as an excuse. Use Harrison Ford.

He leads the singing. Why did I say Harrison Ford? I don't know. I just say a name as if that was the first name on the top of my list of random names required for a surreal joke. I say joke. I mean, I'm not prepared to defend that title. So you're saying he should say, I'm not prepared to defend that title. So you're saying he should say, I've got swine flu, we should go to the beach.

Well, you see, when he says I'd rather go to the beach, for all we know, he might live in Wolverhampton. In which case, going to the beach obviously involves quite a long journey. He lives in Pembrokeshire. Does he? Yeah. Well, there you go. That's quite near the beach, isn't it? I don't know. I don't know either. I was bluffing. I'm just guessing. Excuses for not doing the decorating.

What about if he said he'd suddenly become colourblind? That would be a possibility. Or vertigo, because it usually involves ladders and things. Fear of walls? Fear of walls, I think, is pushing his wife's credibility to the very limit. Fear of walls. Of course, he was so frightened of walls, he wife's credibility to the very limit. Fear of walls. Of course, he was so frightened of walls, he had to go to the beach.

Fear of walls. What about fear of lion's mate? Now, that, you see, is an ice cream company that I think went out of business in the 60s. So some of our younger listeners, who aren't up anyway. So that's what, yeah, we've settled on fear of walls. What's he called, this guy? It's a of walls. What's he called, this guy? It's a great excuse. What's he called?

Absteven. Absteven? Absteven. Is he? He loves Absolute Radio so much he calls himself Absteven. Or maybe it's Abs that used to be in, which boy band was that? He was in Five. Yes. Hey, Gillian has texted in,

cricketers are supposed to wear all white, but their socks are a grey-blue. Why? Um, well, they shouldn't. I didn't know that. They're not necessarily grey-blue. I think they just turn out that way. They got dyed in the wash. They were white.

Someone put one of those blue hats in. Yeah, when they washed the protective helmet. That's what happened. I think they wear all white because somebody asked Michael Barrymore what colour they should wear and he said all right and there was a terrible mix-up base but england now where the white they wear whiter kits than anyone else they wear a sort of a day glow um sort of ready but you know that sort of ready brick can i say ready black i know this i'm friends with stuart broad now get over now Of course I forgot you were friends with Stuart Broad

I didn't know who he was but I watched that back on Isn't he amazing? He's very pretty He's one of those men who's so pretty you sort of think He's pretty Absolute Radio So we're asking people to Send in their questions

On 8, 12, 15 Just about anything I just think it's important to be continually questioning in one's life. For example, this is slightly Darren Brown related, but not really. Darren, not Darren. Oh, let's call the whole thing Mr...

So I... I'd like to know why more people do the lottery on rollover week than a normal week. OK. Do people actually think, eight million, not worth it, is it?

Be bothered with that. Next week, 16 million. Yeah, I think I will have a go, yeah, because that's worth winning, isn't it? 16 million, eight million. I mean, at the end of the day, what's the point? Because if more people go for it when there's more, it's better to go when it's a small amount surely because see what i mean yeah that's exactly what you mean my fear of the lottery i wouldn't mind winning the money but i wouldn't

want to do the publicity because i want everyone to think it was my money i wouldn't want the shame having won the lottery no because it's humiliating that i won it for the lottery i'd rather people thought it was my i just inherited it or something yeah but that you can't suddenly start smoking cigars and people say oh you you watch me my friend actually i couldn't get away with an inheritance i can't imagine any of my family leaving much money somewhere it might leave me some debts oh god hey frank there's another question um this is from you stop saying you stop saying, hey, Frank? No. As if I'm...

People think I'm nodding off here. Hey, Frank, what? What? Oh, God, sorry. I'm just checking you're still alive. OK. Morning, guys. One of those would-you-rather questions for Frank.

Frankie, she's called you. Oh, I like Frankie. Oh, good, I thought you might shout at her. I'll tell you how much I like Frankie. Shall I? No, go on. Frankie, do you remember me? I thought you might shout at her. I'll tell you how much I like Frankie. Shall I? No, go on. Often I don't.

Carry on. Would you rather see England win the World Cup or West Brom win the Premier League if they were in the Premier? Oh, that's really difficult. West Brom win the Premier League. Without any question whatsoever. As much as I love England anybody who loves the country

more than their local football team are always people who aren't really proper football fans they're kind of plain at it a bit I think that may have caused a terrible controversy which will bring the whole station down to its knees have you ever seen the station's knees? I find them strangely scab-like. Oh, well.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. And Laura Solon has joined us in the studio. Good morning. Good morning, Laura. Solon, that's your proper name, or is it a fancy stage name? I like it. It's got a fabulous sort of sci-fi feel to it. A little bit, Laura. Solon, that's your proper name, or is it a fancy stage name? I like it. It's got a fabulous sort of sci-fi feel to it.

A little bit, yeah. I've not thought of it that way before. Yeah. People always think it sounds French. Yeah, but you can imagine Emperor Solon at the end. Emperor Solon, you are ruining the whole galaxy! What have you just done? You've turned my thing off.

Oh, Emma's pressed a button and I can't hear now. Emma, our producer, has just got a job working on Dave Gorman's new show and I think she might be trying to scopper this one. That's just a theory. So it's lovely to... I don't think I've ever heard you speak as Laura Solon before, Laura Solon. Yeah, I've kept my voice secret. Is it like Kate Moss?

Yeah, I'm exactly like Kate Moss. I must say. Now you've come to mention it. On the radio a lot. So you, I saw your show in Edinburgh. Did you? And as did Emily. Yes, I loved it.

And yes, we laughed a lot. It was a big uncomfortable silence. If you wouldn't have been on, it would have been awful. We wouldn't have mentioned it. We just said, what's the show about? You'd have given me a private call and given me some career advice and I saw your show and oh. I definitely wouldn't have done that.

Oh no. Did you ever get any career advice from any experienced comedian types? No. I think there should be some kind of passing on of wisdom. I agree with that. The only thing I ever remember is an older comic said to me when I was starting out,

never leave your wallet in the dressing room. And I thought, well, that's incredibly out. And you know I never have from that day to this. I reckon that was surely your manager, John, who said that. No, no, I was looking for someone to give me some words of wisdom about comedy, and that was that. So I've got to be honest, Laura, I didn't really know you existed until you suddenly won the Perrier to be honest, Laura, I didn't really know you existed

until you suddenly won the Perrier Award. I didn't really exist. You didn't exist? Before that point. So you are an alien? Yeah. Overlord. I changed that point.

Was that remiss of me? No, well, no, because I wasn't really... I did the sketch and character nights in London, which are quite small scale. I wasn't a stand-up on the road. So I hadn't done that much before I went to Edinburgh at that point. It was all a bit sudden and a bit overwhelming for me. But it was very good.

But it wasn't as if anyone saw that coming. So is it fair to say you're an overnight sensation? No, it was a stealth comic. I came in through under the radar. I don't know. It was all a bit surprising. I'm sure everyone knows that the Perrier Award is like winning an Oscar for a stand-up comedian, really.

Did you win it, Frank? I did win it. It's funny you should mention that. I thought you might have, which is why you think it's like winning an Oscar. No, it's generally accepted. Are you trying to diminish an award won by our guest by now suggesting it's a commonplace? No.

Oh, well then. I think Laura probably deserved it. Me, me. I'd be Eddie Izzard, Lily Savage and Jack D, not to mention Avner the Eccentric, who many of you won't remember, but anyway, he existed. But Laura, it's quite a fabulous story you win in the Perrier, which I dare say you've had to tell a million times, but

just for us. Well, I went up there. I was supposed to be doing a show with someone else, and they pulled out. We hadn't written that show yet. And I still had the slot, so I'd been doing characters on the circuit. How close to the festival was it when they pulled out of the show? It was about May.

We didn't have a show. So it wasn't as if there was this great thing waiting to go. We just hadn't really written anything. Then he couldn't go. He had another job to do. And I'd been doing my characters on the circus. I just chucked them together in an order and went up and then

it was in this back room of a pub venue down the road from the Pleasance. So it's a perfect fringe story really, that you go up and do it in a sort of fringy venue. So it wasn't one of the big snazzy venues you were tucked away? No, no. It was one in a, it was called the Holyrood Tavern Pub, it was down the road

from the Pleasance. It's the kind of pub, you know that has those those regulars that drink in it whatever is happening yes so the festival goes on and there's a little theater but there's still the old man at the bar and they didn't fix the loos for the festival and the ladies which i thought was a nice touch from the yeah really i'd rather we on the floor and win the perio if that was the choice I doubt if that was the choice that would be a ridiculous choice to have to make OK so we're with Laura Solon she's our guest today

and Laura you're playing in London soon Yes, London Soho Theatre which is a very nice theatre It's a very nice theatre on Dean Street it's a very nice theatre indeed and I'm there from I'm just reading when I'm there. The 6th of October till the 17th

of October. Okay. It's a good job. I should put that in your diary if I was you. I haven't put it in yet. I had to ask Jo. Jo, I should say, is the publicist who came along. It goes with Laura everywhere. You win the Perry Award, you get someone else to run your life.

That's one of the nice things about it. It's a media storm every day. So what are the great passions in your life, Laura? Because I feel, like I say, I saw the Edinburgh show. It was really funny. Can I say I only got in, it was actually sold out, but I actually, I played my Frank Skinner card. Did you?

It's what I did. Did it work? Does it work in other situations? It doesn't always work I'll be honest but it worked it worked there yeah and and I'd gone in and it was it was very very funny indeed and clever and I came out of it thinking this woman is very clever right because normally you just laugh and you think they're funny but I sense there's a bit more to it than that do you know what I mean? Well well yeah well what do you mean? Well, I guess it's not sort of anecdotes about my life.

If you're doing characters, you have to write more of a script to it. You seem to be suggesting that stand-up comedy is a walk in the park. No, it's not. I think stand-up's much harder than what I do. Oh, come on, don't be so modest. I think it is, because you have to have a stage personality that people like, whereas if you're playing characters, you can just change it all the time. So we should say that Laura plays... How many characters do you play?

I think it's about 11, maybe 10. I don't know. Men, women, rabbits, all sorts of stuff. Actually, you don't actually play the rabbit. No, I don't play the rabbit. There's a dead rabbit. There is a dead rabbit. I keep saying dead rabbit.

I mean stuffed rabbit. It is dead. Well, let's hope it's dead. On the flight up to Edinburgh, the stewardess, I had the rabbit in a bag underneath the seat, and she came up to me and said, you're in the emergency exit, can you put it in her locker? And I said, no, I can't, I can't, there's a rabbit in it.

And she looked at me and I went, oh, don't worry, it's dead. I wish she'd had it in a top hat. Yeah. On a lead. Yeah. And then I realised it's stuffed. It is dead, but it's also stuffed, so it sounds horrid to say that.

Well, no, as long as it happened in that order. As long as you've got the chronology right. I think it's... Are you allowed to take a rabbit? Because I'd have thought you could probably hijack a plane with a clause. No one stopped me. I went through several of those security checks. But they always stop you and you think,

oh, it's going to be the rabbit. And then they pull out something like deodorant or yeah or i had one where yeah or a gun yeah they they never stopped me the rabbit never asked any questions at all no well it's good to know that anyone who's uh who's got a stuffed rabbit and thinking i'd like to go to the maldives this weekend it's fine yeah you don't have to put it in the hole you can take it um hand luggage do people think it's real because my brother's got a stuffed cat and he leaves it around the house and it's absolutely terrifying because part of it goes that's a real animal yeah because i bought it from the shop on the essex road that has and had a stuffed kitten and i thought that would be a really i know that's a sinister gift that's my kitten i put that kitten

in there yeah i stuffed I stuffed it myself. It was all right. I like the fact that your brother's got a stuffed cat and it's absolutely terrifying because it looks like a real cat. That suggests that a real cat would be absolutely terrifying. Is it in a pose? Is it a lynx?

That would be terrifying, to be fair. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We are with Laura Solon here on Absolute Radio. And Laura was just telling us about stuffed animals. Yeah. Actually. Yeah, that's...

There's a shop in London where you can buy them. You can buy a full-size lion. A full-size lion? Yeah. It'd be odd if you could buy a stuffed, like, scaled-down lion. How would you do that? A real lion stuffed, and I think I'm going to save up and buy it and put it in my tiny flat.

How much would a lion knock you back? I think it's thousands. Yeah, I think so. Frank, you should buy three. Yeah, that would be... What a brilliant idea! That's what I'll do, I'll have three lions in my flat. Three lions in my flat. Three lions in my flat.

Because I've got lots of money. Oh, good. What meaning? No, he's lost it all now. The shop would be pleased, though, if I ordered three lions. Is the lion cooked or is it raw? Oh, God. Well, it's stuffed, you see.

See, as you said, will they be doing a roaring trade? That would have been brilliant. But now you went for some sort of cooking analogy. It's real. Laura said that you could request, when you have the animal stuff, you can request a pose. Yeah. If you could take your dog in and say,

I want it to look frenzied. Or tranquil. Tranquil or frenzied. Or tranquil. Tranquil or frenzied. Could you have it juggling? Yeah. You could have it probably doing any activity. On a motorbike, say. Small motorbike. Could I have it changing the channel on the remote control?

I'd like a cat with little crossed legs. I'd like a cat dressed as a priest. It must have been like when they did Lenin, it must have been like that. They as a priest, please. When they did Lenin, it must have been like that. They must have said, well, how do you want him? Yeah, exactly. Dictatory or free time?

Going out, going out, Lenin. Rappant or couchant, I believe, is the heraldic title. That sounds absolutely... I've got an impala on my wall. Did you buy it or did you kill it? I have, yeah. Did you kill it? No. It wasn't a gift.

A friend of mine was leaving the country and she said it was going to be all hell to get it through customs because she didn't have the paperwork. Apparently, if you want to take a stuffed animal into... It's not the full Impala, by the way. It's just the head and shoulders. Do they have shoulders? That's this week's phony.

Do Impalas have shoulders? Vlad the impala certainly did. What do they cry on otherwise? No shoulders to cry on. Yeah, and when they get dumped, what gets cold on an impala if they have no shoulder? Yeah.

Apparently, if you take a stuffed animal into America, you have to show the paperwork of when it was killed and stuffed. I'm going to take my rabbit to America, then. Do you have the paperwork? No. Well, there's going to be trouble. Yeah, got to create a backstory to it.

Well, that'll get it through customs. If you smuggled it through customs... As long as it's not over 100 millilitres, it's fine. How much liquid is put inside? You can have 100 millilitres it's fine how much liquid you have 100 milliliters no but if you do what drug addicts do if you smuggled the rabbit up your bottom it would be a great moment in customs when they pulled it out it would be like paul daniel's a great moment when you put it in wouldn't it how do you get it in there oh it's magic can i just magic and pain i suppose it's no worse than pulling the hair

out of your bottom so look Laurie you've dragged us down into the absolute gutter the mire before you go can you plug your show

one more time it's called Rabbit Face Story Soup and it's at the Soho Theatre from the 6th of October to the 17th of October Laura it's been joyous speaking to you

and go into the show because me and Emily have both seen it and it's very very funny we think you're a proper talent Laura Sola thanks for coming on have we had any texts on 8, 12, 15 from our lovely listeners yes

we've had no go on carry on let's hear them I only wanted to know how many John Cummings from Scotland No, go on, carry on, let's hear them. I only wanted to know. How many? No, go on. How many? John Cummings from Scotland has said, Hiya, Frank, Emily and Gareth.

Two L's, Emily. No, that's wrong spelling, never mind. Don't have a go at him. He's been nice enough to send up... I'm terribly sorry. What's his name again? You don't even know his name! Well, you didn't...

Don't try and pretend to be man of the people. I was thrown by the Scotland thing. I didn't know how scanners reach that far. So his flat was broken into. What's his name? I've told you twice. John Cummings. Thank you, John.

I'm sorry about that. Sorry about him, John. Frank, my flat was broken into last weekend and amongst the things stolen were all my The Fall CD albums. Oh, my God. That's terrible. What should I do to console myself? Did they steal all the stuff or they just came in and took the Fall album?

Of course they stole all this stuff. They didn't come in just to steal Fall albums. I can imagine, should I ever be reduced to burglary, I can imagine pulling that off as a bit of a job. To me, that would be quite a... That's terrible, though. I know, I really feel for him. What can we do about that?

If there's anyone listening who bought a Fall album and didn't like it, I imagine there's quite a lot of those people. Then let's all send them in to me, and we'll forward them to John Cummings. We'll listen to the show, and eventually we will play every Fall album. Yeah, just tape it. Tape it. That's it. Yeah, that's true.

If you listen long enough, I think I will play every Fall track that's ever existed i can't wait that's brilliant did we have any questions we're going to ask for yeah i don't know if you remember the questions element just as a little reminder i don't think dancing is that good on radio is it anyway you can talk over this i'm sort of lap dancing in the corner yeah i'm j Jane and Kent, what is the deal with businessmen wearing red socks? Is it some sort of secret society or is it just posh boys? Oh, I think it's man in the denim jacket

over there Meaning? That was my question time thing I think the red socks thing is kind of with the red braces thing as like with the red braces thing as well. Because I think it makes them a bit wacky. And if you're a businessman, that's the height of the crazy maverick lifestyle,

is red socks. Oh, but that looks back in now. That Gordon Gekko Wall Street chic is coming back in. I hate to tell you. Michael Greco? No, Gordon Gekko from Wall Street. The Michael Douglas character. Oh, that's Gordon.

I never knew he was called Gordon Gekko. Oh, come on, get with it. character. Oh, that's Gordon? I didn't know he was called Gordon Gekko. Oh, come on, get with it. Is he known as the Lizard Man? No. Gordon Gekko? I think the red socks are to symbolise the blood of the poor and the oppressed on which they have built their wealth.

That's absolutely fabulous. I know that we can top that. There's only one thing that could possibly top that, and I'm just giving a moment now why John Cum commings in scotland presses record frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio and i play that one especially for my girlfriend kath because we had an argument last night so i put the phone down on her that's what i did which is always bad why did you have a row well because um i couldn't find the keys to um

something and i assumed that she'd taken them off with her and um i found them and she hadn't basically it was my fault okay well that's good that you're admitting that i put the keys i put the keys in my own bag and i blamed kath you know i didn't actually blame her but i was suspicious i was heavily suspicious it was her fault and i actually put the phone down in rage so i am now apologizing because i think sometimes we are just wrong and the best way to deal with the people we love is to say i'm sorry i was wrong and i absolutely apologize and i love you very much oh that's okay frank apology accepted i'm not you in your school girl outfit can i say for some reason emily's wearing a sort of 1920s schoolgirl outfit. You don't understand fashion or style.

No, but I understand... It's essentially an Amish look. I understand the sex industry. And I recognise that uniform. We played rocks out especially for you this morning. I think it looks great. I didn't say it didn't look great. I think in my Craig Berent voice,

who came on, oh, yeah, you look adorable, baby, yeah. Give me some of that Emily Dean, oh, yeah. How dare you? She's real good. I think, wasn't that, Jane, was it Barry White? Barry White. So they've published the most popular names in the world. That's right.

Do you know who came top of boys who jack jack who jack no no the name jack yeah yeah there are a lot of jacks about that's good ethan ethan when it was number 15 i should say we haven't just picked ethan at random but that is the name of my son garrett's son what was the top girl's name then um olivia but who's number three do you know what's number three is emily oh you say oh but that just doesn't mean it's very common name yes but i'm not as snobby as you well i'm not you know but i'm just saying i'm not the sort of person to say i've got a common name so i'm going to wear a 1920s school girl outfit to get attention i mean i did that once, but never again.

Absolute Radio. Have we had anything else on 8, 12, 15 this morning? As we move towards the culmination. That sounded very papal. Jodie from Manchester says, Frank, what can you suggest to fix a broken heart? Broke up with my ex eight weeks ago and waking up Saturday morning is the absolute pit.

Oh. Of course, the truth is... Was it jody from manchester yeah jody the truth oh manchester so much to answer for um there is no real cure i think it's it's important not to to hunger for the cure though i think that um you have to it's like a bereavement the end of a relationship and you have to have a period of mourning when you just accept the fact that it's going to be bleak and it's going to be dark. But like all darkness, it gets very dark and you think I'm not going to get, I'm not going to meet everyone else. And then it's like, you know, the first bird song starts and you think, oh, hold on a minute, look out the window. There's a slight pinkening on the horizon and the sun does come up again.

And there is always somebody out there. Just someone who can write in like that certainly has some sort of compassion, has a good heart, I sense that, to talk about, to be open. The fact that someone is open and honest enough to say that, I think, is good. And I think that a person like that, they emanate that kind of sensitivity to the rest of the world. And then another sensitive, caring person tunes in

and someone else comes along. Unless Jodie's about 80, in which case that's basically it. That could be a strapline for our show, the Frank Skinner radio show, A Period of Mourning. A period of Saturday morning! OK, we're done. Thank you for listening. A thank you, Evelyn and Gareth, just for being with me.

It's a pleasure. Coming to the light. And Joe Russell is next, here on Absolute Radio. And I think the word we're after is basically goodbye. But as I always like to end it, good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.