The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Mark Little

Episode Date: February 6, 2010

On this week's show Frank had an incident at the hairdressers, Emily gave us an Instyle update and Gareth revealed Ethan's football phobia.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Welcome to the Frank Skinner Absolute Podcast with Frank Skinner, me, Emily, her, and Gareth Hym.

Hello. Hello. And we just did the show. Yeah. And we always say that. People should know by now. I like the fact that people listen to the sort of old podcasts. Somebody this very Saturday morning sent in a text and said i was listening to when you were talking about your favorite primate yeah

in tv and film which i'd completely forgotten about and then they identified a primate that they didn't like and thought we could perhaps talk about ones that we didn't they didn't like it was the monkey from friends ross's monkey and friends they didn't like and thought we could perhaps talk about ones that they didn't like. It was the monkey from Friends. Ross's monkey in Friends they didn't like. That was their worst monkey. It's quite a tricky one, isn't it? Worst monkey. I think Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose was

everyone's favourite. But he was an orange Utah. I don't think that makes him a monkey. He's certainly simian. He's in the family, isn't he? Oh, well, he looks like he's in mine. There is gingerness in our family. I'm not ashamed of that. Yeah, Clyde.

He's dead now, I bet. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. We did announce that Bouncer... Oh, no, don't give it away. Oh, no, we made quite a big, quite a sombre announcement on the show.

He was so lovely, Mark Little. Yeah, Mark Little was our guest today. You know, remember Mark Little from... Actually, you remember Mark Little. We remember Mark Little from the show. Yeah, he was on and... Joe Mangle from Neighbours. Oh, I've said it.

You've said it. He was a very nice chap. He was lovely. Talking about his new show. And I don't know about you, but I really like the show. I know you've told me to talk it up in these intros, but today I can do it without any fear of contraception. I mean, contradiction.

Perhaps a slight fear of contraception, but I am Catholic. No, I thought it was great. I'm tempted to listen to it myself. Steady on. Well, I probably won't, but I don't like, you know, I don't want to be as a dog returning to its own vomit. You really are picking up the show. That's what Dr. Johnson said about Scots people who go back to Scotland.

Did he? Yeah, he could be a bit racist. We talk about Dr. Johnson does get a mention on the show. Yeah. Anyway, bear in mind that we've got another podcast out this week. We've started our midweek minis. That's what I'm calling them. And so it's podcast heaven for you podcast fans.

And we hope you enjoy it all. And here we go. Absolute. Radio. Max Clifford's jacket. Sorry, I was just looking at a Radio. Max Clifford's jacket. Sorry, I was just looking at a picture of Max Clifford's jacket in the newspaper, and I'm a little shaken, I'll be honest with you. I'll get over it, it's going to be all right.

So that was, isn't that lovely? That's Claire and the Reasons, Wake Up You Sleepyhead. Yeah, I love that. So what he's gone for, Max, he's having to read out Vanessa Peron Peronsell. Yes, Polisell's thingy. Statement.

Okay, thanks. I don't normally work with a prompt. Looks like it should start. So he's gone out with this bit of paper to read to the press, and what he's gone for it's a sort of, I'd call it a bomber jacket, it's a waist of, I'd call it a bomber jacket. It's a waist but it's black and at the top there's a sort of

a panelled section on the chest of a sort of a shy, almost like a patent leather. Quilted. Yeah, quilted. Quilted. A bit like the old goalkeeper shirts. Obviously Max has thought, I'd better go and read that statement. That'd be loads of photographers. I know what I'll wear.

I'll wear that thing with the quilted PVC. Maureen! Maureen! Maureen, have you seen that black jacket? You know the one with the quilted, shiny, leathery... Yeah, where... Well, why is it in there? I need it now!

Oh, that's what's happened with Max. He's actually looked in the mirror and thought yeah that'll do me for the uh looking good oh come on let's go quilted it's got a slight blues on quality to it but you don't often see these days there's a hint of blues on yeah and the jacket that the actual upper the collar looks like there's an element of knitting going on. Oh, honestly, he's got... That woman's had some blues on. Oh! I can only...

That is... How can we celebrate this? Let me see now. This'll do it. What a start it is on this fabulous... Saturday morning! And we're off on... This is Frank Skeer on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth.

I got pig iron, I got all pig iron. What is that pig iron thing? It's a thing that Lonnie Donegan, who's very popular on Absolute Radio, he's played a lot, he used to do a song, it's the Cumberland Gap. And in the Cumberland Gap, it's about a railway driver. You don't want to know this, but he's it's the Cumberland Gap and in the Cumberland Gap it's about a railway driver. You don't want to know this but he's getting to the Cumberland Gap. He pretends that he's got some stuff on board

that he doesn't have to pay. Oh okay. And then as he goes past he brags I got pig iron! I got all pig iron! He would brag. You can imagine the administrator saying pig iron what is that? Anyway so that's what happened. In the words of Vanessa Perencel, oh, my God.

Exactly, yeah. Apparently she was very upset about John Terry losing the captaincy. I bet she was, yeah. Anyway, you know, life goes on. I think we all have to just put a brave face on it. Mark Little is our guest this morning. Remember Mark Little, who used to be in Neighbours? Yeah.

Mark Little is our guest this morning. Remember Mark Little? He used to be in Neighbours? Yeah. That's awful. Didgeridoo? It doesn't sound very nice, though. No, well, it's not very nice.

It's a didgeridoo. The Aborigines, they don't do nice. They do vital. It's so low. It is very low. I once, I was being light-hearted, I said to this didgeridoo player in Edinburgh, do you know All By Myself?

And he just ignored me. I thought it would be possible if you were very good at the... HE SINGS Wouldn't it? That's what they need to incorporate, melody. I've always said that about the Aborigines. What do they whistle? You can't, you know. Oh, I love that didgeridoo player.

What is that? That's me whistling. Oh, I thought it was an insect. Oh, God, I forgot I'd thrown that. OK, so, um, thanks for getting that, Gareth. I love you sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. I think we'll have some more music.

Absolute Radio. Oh, Maureen, look, the stitching on the quilted section has come undone. Now, two of the diamonds have gone into one. I don't want to be out there reading a press statement of people saying, well, what is that, Max? Some sort of decahedron? Anyway, that was Ocean Colosseum. And sounding quite nice, I thought.

We had a text in correcting you, Frank. You know, you mentioned a Lonnie Donegan song. Lonnie, not Lolly. How did I say Lolly? Lolly Donegan would be a great name. The Lonnie song you were referring to, Mr Skinner, is Rock Island Line and not Cumberland Gap.

Regards, Paul Wilson. Well, all I can say to you is I may be right and I may be wrong, but you know you're going to miss me when I'm gone. Oh, the rock island line, the rock island line, the rock island line, the rock and the line. The rock and the line. The rock and the line. The rock and the line.

You had an aneurysm. I've had three aneurysms simultaneously. One, I must say, was not quite as bad as the other two. But I think it's still registered on the aneurysm scale. If anyone at home has had an aneurysm, we're not making light of it, don't think that for a second. No. And relax. I has had an aneurysm, we're not making light of it, don't think that for a second. No. Mmm, and relax.

I've had my hair cut. You know, I'm quite pleased with it. Yeah, I like it. I actually went in and the woman said, what would you like? And I said, I'm thinking early Morrissey. And she was quite young, Australian. I thought, do you want to know who Morrissey is? And she said, yeah, that's the look at the moment. And I thought, well, I'm liking the sound of it being the look. So that's what I've gone for.

I like it, Frank. It looks quite military. Yes, well, short back and sides always does. There's an element of poor house about it. But I'll tell you what I like. I said, because I've learned now what I need. And I say, clippers on three all the way around. What does that mean, really short? That's the setting. Oh okay well it looks means it looks like this okay and uh she started really

going at it and it's a great thing when the hair is dropping off you with the clippers it's a very tell me about it yeah you can see why sheep have that contented smile on their faces because it's lovely to feel it oh just to feel all the hair coming off and i said it's great isn't it with the clippers to just go here she said she said yeah she said i'd love to do this to my dad but i don't think you'd let me and i thought do you mean i'll do this to my dad like i'm obviously i'm somebody's dad he was thinking oh he's still trying to relive his youth. And I'm sitting there in the chair, abused, I felt.

How old was this creature? Oh, she was probably, I'd probably say early 20s. Oh, how very dear she is. Oh, I wish I could do this to more dead, she said. Yeah, the clippers were a bit, they sounded a bit like that. So that was, well, I was, I'd already had the difficult situation because she said, so, you working today? Yeah.

And I said, yeah, I'm working after this. And she said, what do you do? And I said, well, she was nice, don't get me wrong, I'm making this up, she wasn't nice. She just noticed I was old and wasn't good enough to not refer to me. I said, oh, no, thought i'm i'm prepared to lie if someone asks me what i do if they don't know because if you say you're a comedian i mean people you know especially a hairdresser i don't want them to think that gives them license to do

something comical with my hair yeah you don't want a comedy hairdo no i don't want um that sort of castellation that you get on castles. You know, like an oppy bit and a downy bit and an oppy bit. I can't have anything too castle-like because I get Torrit syndrome. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologise. Did she ask you what you did?

So she asked me what I did and I said, well, it's complicated. I'm a comedian. And she said, oh. Is that all she said? Yeah, that's the end of that. So I thought maybe she thinks I'm being, you know, it's complicated. I'm a comedian. And she said, oh. Is that all she said? Yeah, that's the end of that. So I thought, maybe she thinks I'm being, you know, jocular. But they were listening in there. They were listening to Absolute 80s, which in case you don't know,

Absolute, they have a whole string of other channels behind our backs going on. With no DJs as well. Almost as if they're moving towards that as an ideal. Anyway, Absolute 80s, as you might guess, is for people in their 80s. There's a lot of Lonnie Donnie going on there. It's my favourite. Yeah, and a lot of stuff about the war. They keep replaying the abdication speech, don't they?

There was some quite disparaging stuff about Hitler I thought was unnecessary. And the jingle is the sound of a doodle bog, which apparently sends the poor listeners into paroxysms of fear. Anyway, they had absolute 80s. Now, there is a song, there is probably one song I can think of that whenever it's played, I have to dance. And I mean, I have to dance. And it came on in the shop and i thought oh no this was

before i got into the chair it's that one don't leave me this way oh bronski b i can't survive if i've gone slightly off mic it's because i'm dancing oh my god and i don't sing along with it because uh but i do have to dance, right? And I can't dance in here. It was early in the morning. The other people in there that look sullen. And I did that dancing sitting down that you do. You know when you're at a club?

Oh, shuffling in your seats? Yeah. My feet were moving all over the place, but I was still seated. I found it made me, if anything, more agile that I was sitting, because I did things with my feet I couldn't have done if I was standing, unless I was wearing one of them jetpacks like Roger Moore. I think we'll have some adverts, and then I'll tell you what happened to me when I bought a watch.

You won't believe it! Absolute Radio. OK, so this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got Emily, we've got Gareth, we've got Pig Iron! Oh no, I've been there before. Um, let's, uh, let me see. Oh, there we go. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

See, just to give you a bit of a prompt at home. So, um, yeah, so I went to buy a watch and my watch broke. How often do you buy a watch? I buy a watch very rarely. Oh, I buy them all the time you need to update your look i don't i know i don't buy them for fashion i wear them until they break and then i go and buy another one um so i went to um this very nice watch shop

in covent garden and um i think this is i just had the don't leave me this way experience when i have to dance and, hold on a minute. No, Maureen, I don't need a vest. I've got the quilted area. It'll keep out any cold winds. Max is very interrupting. Anyway, so I went into the watch shop and there is also a song. This is absolutely true.

There's a song that I have to sing along to. And that came on in the watch shop. So I'd just got over, don't leave me this way, I went into the watch shop and they were playing Roy Orbison's I Drove All Night. And the trouble is with that, it's quite high. And if you're singing it at home, you know in a shop, if you're going... People are OK, but if you're going... I drove all night!

And I was doing the verse before and I don't know the words to the verse even though I always sing, so I'm going and the woman I could see was I could see her finger was an inch and a half from the panning button but anyway I bought a nice watch and that was that, but what a coincidence those two songs that

have that effect on me. You didn't dance whilst you were singing in the falsetto voice. No, I don't mix them up, dancing and singing. Oh. Oh no, I don't think I'm licensed to do that. Anyway, that was my week. How's your job going, Em? Oh, I love it. I'm at InStyle magazine

everyone, in case anyone doesn't know, which is a fabulous fashion magazine. Not InStep magazine, not InSoul magazine, like frank has called it but in style magazine style yeah and i've got one for ramblers you know when you go through a kissing gate and there's that moment when you can't you sort of stop in in in a okay i've got a fabulous gbf at the magazine okay you've all gone very silent yeah what is that it stands for gay best friend oh you've got a gay best friend yeah okay well you would have at a fashion course i think every woman should have a gay best friend and indeed every man and he's good because he

keeps me in check he just keeps a little eye on me like my food intake maybe so for example i was grazing a bit yesterday straying towards somelerone, and I heard this voice going, It was brilliant. So I thought, oh, I'll think about that. Is he very slim, indeed? Oh, he's amazing looking. Toblerones are quite a thing to take on, aren't they? Yeah.

Because I actually, I love Toblerones, but I'm always hurt when I eat them. There's always an injury. Well, you've got to snap the triangle off. You can't bite the triangle off. No, you see, I try to. I put it all in in one go. I think I've been bruised by a

Toblerone. Well, I did that yesterday. I put it all in. A novel by Beryl Bainbridge. Yeah, you put the whole thing. Not the whole thing. And then my GBF looked over at me and he went, it's OK, curves are back in. Oh! Oh, I loved it.

Did he mean try a curly whirly? Sorry, Gareth? Yeah, no, Toblerone's a triangle, aren't they? So it's similar. Were we working on the same lines? Yeah, I think we were on the same premise. Were we like those strange million overalls that work on the Rock Island line? Ah, the Rock Island line

You know, I think I've got to stop having so many e-additives We had an email from Sam Cook, I believe he's called I'm not saying Sam Cook in a very South American Sam Cook, please, Sam Cook sent me an email I'm not saying Sam Cooke in a very South American Sam Cooke sent me an email I said Sam I didn't know you was computer literate he said hell boy you betcha

and Sam last week I was saying I haven't got a catchphrase and I was looking if anyone could suggest one for me and he suggested what about if your catchphrase was stamp the bare hand of her majesty well at first as you can imagine i was confused but then sam explains and he said stamp the bare hand of her majesty so frank for stamp right so far frank the bare hand the skin yeah of her majesty er

so actually stamp the bare hand of her majesty's code for frank skinner oh that's quite clever sam it's extremely clever whether it's up there with nice to see you to see you nice i don't know but imagine me coming on and saying, oh, it's Frank Skinner, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Oh, don't. I stamped the bare hand of Her Majesty. Hey! Maybe I could split it up. Stamp the bare hand, and the crowd go, of Her Majesty.

We laugh like this now tomorrow. Should catchphrases need footnotes, though? That needs quite a lot of explanation. Needs a lot of explanation, Frank. Yeah, but once I'd got, you know, once that was out there. Like the Da Vinci Code, that is. Yeah, but that's all right. And it's Frank Skinny R.

It's Frank Skinny R. Frank Skinny R. It's a bit weird, isn't it? Frank Skinny, yeah, but, you know, now you're being picky. I think once I'd explained it, it would be on the, there'd be an internet explanation. There'd probably be a bit of a, you know, theories about where it's a cop.

Theories. Whether it was some sort of, I was going to kill the Queen at some point. You know, this thing, do you kill the Queen or do you just wait? And so, I don't know if I'll be able to use it. Shem. But I thought it was clever. That's what I like. And I like clever.

Now, the next song I'm going to play, let me say this. I'm a big fan of Jamie T. Now, some might say, isn't he a bit youth for you, Frank? I say to them, just cut my hair and get on with it. But this song is by Jamie T. And I thought we'd get lots of, you know, letters and emails and stuff about Emily. Everybody fancies Emily listens to this show. It's true, though, isn't it?

There's always men trying to trying to what? Trying to Well sending you cupcakes for a start. Yes. I did get cupcakes

this morning yeah. Anyway. Are they tea cupcakes or tea cupcakes? I think they're tea cupcakes. So so this is a message to all those men

this is a beautiful song called Emily's Heart. Bottle of wine and all... There you go, the ultra-talented Jamie T with Emily's Heart. Oh, isn't it sad? I've played some quite gentle stuff this morning. Still, fall coming up. Oh, isn't it sad? I've played some quite gentle stuff this morning. Still four coming up. Oh, God. I tell you what I was shocked this week

was that Sharon Davis. Oh, yeah. The one with the big shoulders. She's dancing on ice. She's dancing on ice, which I bet she's praying for a melt. Because one good thaw, she'd be the best person in that competition by a mile.

She'd storm it but that um that jason who must be somebody's um gbf oh yeah he wouldn't be mine do you see what he said to her he said i was watching him he said it reminded me now he said of when when you look back into the toilet bowl i mean if there's anyone having breakfast i just turn away not the turning away from the radio is a big help but um unless you've got very sound directive ears anyway he said watching you ice skate is like watching fecal matter go round and round after you've flushed and then when you want it to disappear but then it hasn't disappeared i mean it's too much poor sharon was that horrible it is and just because she was wearing...

It was a nice coffee-coloured... Oh, don't, don't. I'm sorry. It was her skating suit. Yes, but, I mean, she smells... She probably smells a little bit of chlorine. You'd imagine at all times. He can talk. He's hideous.

He looks like a circus ringmaster. And he looks like his beard was painted on with burnt cork. No, actually, I think his beard was painted on. I read that in TV Quick, that his beard was painted on with wet cork. Wet cork? Wouldn't work. So, I'll tell you what I did like about it, though, is I like the kind of elaborate insults. Because too often nowadays, people just say,

oh, you plonker, and that's it. And I like, like you know a clever insult like Dr Samuel Johnson in the 18th century right his friends gather round if you're at the time I love Samuel Johnson he's so hot right now yeah so

I've gone even further back than Lonnie Donovan that's what's happened this morning anyway so his close friend James James Boswell, says to Dr Samuel Johnson, let's go get a boat and go on the Serpentine on Sunday morning. Have a little bit of a row. It'd be lovely.

What he didn't tell him, there was a tradition on the Serpentine. The Serpentine is a piece of water in Hyde Park. He didn't tell him there's a tradition on the serpentine is a is a piece of water in Hyde Park he didn't tell him there's a tradition that people would go out with their boats on the serpentine on a Sunday morning and insult each other right that was the thing so everyone knew about it except Dr Johnson so he's on the boat with Boswell and this group of young students go past and one of them says you are like an enormous fat bear i can smell your sweating carcass from here so waiting for johnson doesn't say anything someone else comes and says you sir are as ugly as a terrible malformed oak tree and all these kind of weird so the next one they go past samuel johnson turns to this bloke and says, Sir, your mother, under the pretext of keeping a bawdy house,

is a receiver of stolen goods. Now, that's what I call an insult. That is an insult. I like that. And I think what we should ask our viewers, well, they're not really viewers, are they, unless they sit looking at the radio. They might look at the radio. No, I'm not on TV anymore. Why bring that up? I've already mentioned the Brits this morning.

Are you trying to crucify me? So, yes, I'd like you to know what, any really good insults you've heard. Now, if you send really rude stuff, obviously we can't read them out. And if it's really big insults about us, we'll be upset. I can't think of anything else.

I'll give you one I think I'm most proud of is I once did a gig and there was this very right-on... Can I use the word? Hold on just a minute. Yes, I can. Lesbian comic. Not that there's any... I love them.

Not all of them. I met two. That sounds weird. Just say what happened. No, OK. So I did some stuff and I didn't think it was anything. It was quite ribald, and she came up to me after and said, I thought some of that material you did was Virgin on the Offensive.

And I said, there's only one Virgin on the Offensive in this room. Oh! And it was, yeah, there was no need for it. But I thought it was quite clever, I must admit. Anyway, if she's listening, no hard feelings. Absolute Radio. Frank, our listeners are coming up trumps with the insults. Are they texting us with their favourite insults on 8-12-15?

Is that what you're telling me? I'll say on 8-12-15. My favourite so far is from Hugh Markham. No, Hugh Markham. These lazy teachers. they were more dedicated Dear Frank and team I heard this insult the other day You're so fat When you fell down the stairs

I thought EastEnders was ending Oh, marvellous Isn't that brilliant? It is very good There's another one Behold thy mirror As thou art a beslobbering Beef-witted canker blossom Oh, marvellous. Isn't that brilliant? It is very good. There's another one. Behold thy mirror as thou art a beslobbering, beef-witted canker blossom. Yes.

Do you think that's Shakespeare or something? Well, it sounds like it. Who sent it in? They've remained anonymous. Oh, I hate it when they do that. Yeah. Tom from Harrow texted in, your village just called their idiot is missing. I like it.

Yeah, I like it. Do they still have village idiots? Oh, yeah. Not since she won Britain's Got Talent. She didn't win, actually. She came second, to be fair to her.

Oh, fine. I'm just trying to be fair to her. She didn't win, she came second. Don't give me that look. Oh, my God. She won't be listening. She's not up this time

in the morning. She's in a tree covered in body paint with a severed limb of a member of JLS. Stop, stop. Get away from me! I'll kill you! I had a dream!

Okay. Oh, I've got another one I like. You, sir, Mr Skinner, wear a wolf shirt for fun and frolics while singing The Wanderer. Did he know that? That must be an ex-girlfriend. Who said that? Is that anonymous as well? That's another anonymous one.

That's the ghost of Dr. Johnson, I think. Oh, OK. So, yeah, we'll keep them coming in. I'm loving the answers. They're great. And I'm always impressed by how bright our listeners are. Yes, me too. Because, I don't know...

Emily, you need to sound convincing when you say that sort of thing we get some really clever stuff coming in i love it yeah i love it i love it anyway i think it's time for uh an ethan update as you may know gareth is the only one of the three of us who is not bad and uh oh that is that is the sound of his child crying. I always think when I play this that someone at home is thinking, oh, no, that's the baby at home. Why is he crying? What's wrong with it? Well, that was from quite a long time ago,

but he has been crying recently for a strange reason. OK. From the police. I'll keep him talking. Maybe I don't like football. No, I know you don't like football. I don't like football even a little bit don't i don't like football okay even a little bit but i thought because we haven't he hasn't got a ball yet okay how old is he now he's um he's seven months oh okay does it talk yet i've been i've been corrected on that many times they don't like the

he's not talking yet so he can't really communicate apart from crying or smiling or making facial expressions right reminds me of my drinking dance so we got him a little foamy football okay because like quite small and for like he seemed fine with it when we bought it in the shop it was still in its netting, and we put it on his thing, and he seemed to like it. When we got it home, he basically won't have it anywhere near him. If you bring it out, he is visibly scared of it. Goodness. And then if you put it right by him, he cries. And you know how chilled out he is?

He's scared of footballs. Oh, you'll never have an affair with a French lingerie model at that rate. And he was all right with it when it was in its netting. Yeah, early on. Maybe he's going to be an assistant manager. Does he like putting cones out? Is it very cheap fibre? Maybe it's the fibres he's ejecting.

It might be the texture. The only other thing he's been a bit like it with was a pine cone, where he kind of very tentatively touched it and didn't like the texture. The only other thing he's been a bit like it with was a pine cone, where he kind of very tentatively touched it and didn't like the texture. But we've tried it with other balls as well. Right. Different coloured footballs. Cricket, rugby. Just trying to find out what his favourite sport is.

We did another football on a rugby ball, and it was the same. You won't have them near him. I don't know if... Can you pass things down genetically? Have I passed down my fear of football? I believe. I'm not sure about this't know if... Can you pass things down genetically? I believe, I believe. I'm not sure about this, but I think you can pass things down genetically. I think I've read that somewhere.

Anyway, well, that's a strange tale, I must say. If any of the listeners can help with that... I thought it ended. Turns out it's some sort of coda. His anecdotes run and run. Yeah, they do. Well, yes, if any listeners can help with that, I don't know. Because he can't tell us what his feelings

about it are. What's wrong with him? Can't you get him a notepad? We've got to move on. I think we've got Mark Little coming on after the news, and we've got some... Actually, I'm going to dedicate this to my lovely girlfriend, Kath. Partly because it's called Running Up The Hill, and

she does run as she listens to this programme. Oh, does she? She's got a little radio thing. And also, she loves Kate Bush. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frankie,

do you remember me? That's the phone call I dread. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, with Gareth, and we've got Mark Little coming in. Oh, I like him. Yes, and we've been asking people to text in on 8-12-15 their favourite insults. Have we had any more insults? Yes. I know we get a lot of insults

on a Saturday morning, but it's nice that they're just abstract ones rather than named at any of us directly. We've got, um, insults turn to flattery. You remind me of a big fat jammy donut. Your arrival gives me pleasure and your departure makes me hungry for more. From George. I'm worried that George uses that as a

chat-up line. That's what I'm worried about. I've never done the chat-up line thing. I really struggle with it. I've got another chat-up line. Ian Kennington, are you two sisters? Where's Cinderella? That's a good insult.

I think we've hit a rich vein with the insult. John from Wurtton. I don't know what that word is. I once heard someone described as having a face like a clumsy beekeeper. Oh, marvellous. And speaking of lumps, did you see Posh Spices? I'll call her Victoria

Beckham. Victoria Beckham's bunion this week. Oh, yes. I've seen the bunions. That was a hell of a bunion. That's a her Victoria Beckham. Victoria Beckham's bunion this week. Oh yes. That was a hell of a bunion. That's a big old bunion. But she's so skinny and the bunion was so big it looked more like Victoria Beckham was growing on the bunion than vice versa. She looked like a terrible, like a stork emerging from an egg with just a toe left trapped. That's what it looked like. It does happen with heels, Frank, I'm afraid. Yeah, but she's, you know, she's a

rich woman. You think if she said, you know, I've got a bunion, I'll get that sorted. You know, there'd be... Have the surgery. I imagine there's a plastic surgeon who lives in the house with them. You know, like some people have a nanny who just comes in and would shave her bunion off in ten minutes.

That bunion's on eBay. Suddenly they've got even more money. I was thinking now, what I love about it, it's such an old-fashioned working class thing for Victoria Beckham to have. I mean, you'd think she'd have something much more modern. It reminds me of when I had this lump on my wrist and I went, I was seeing a physiotherapist about it and she said, oh, it's a ganglion. Ganglion? Exactly. And I said, what is that? She said, oh, it's, you know, the very old things. You need to, you need to eat it with a Bible. I thought, well, it must be a fairly old illness if that's the cure. What sort of a doctor

did you go to? No, that was a physiotherapist. So I thought I'll go it must be a fairly old illness if that's the cure. What sort of a doctor did you go to? Well, that was a physiotherapist, so I thought, I'll go and see my doctor. Oh, OK. Because that makes sense. And I went to see my doctor, and I said, I think I've got a ganglion. He said, oh, yeah. He said, you need to eat it with a Bible. And I thought, hold on a minute.

You're a doctor. It's like a private doctor as well. Yes, I own up to that. So in the end, I went to see a specialist about it to have it removed because it was really quite painful. Because I tried it in it with a... Well, I didn't have a Bible. Was it not a Bible? Was it a Jackie Collins novel?

No, it was Collins English Dictionary. It was a big one and I laid... Because it was on my left hand, so I could have a good swing with my right hand and I hit it and it really hurt but it really hurt but didn't pop and I was really swung this and hit it again still didn't pop so I did this thing I thought I'll hit the wall with it and I did it in a kind of a I didn't just steadily line it up and then hit the wall I sort of walked past the wall as if I was going to kick, and then I suddenly hit the wall, like I'd sneak up on the ganglion.

You know, like when Nazis are interrogating someone and they just walk away and give them a quick slap like that. Or try and do the salute in a very small room. Yes. Well, I could, anyway, it didn't go, so I went and saw a specialist. And I said said can you believe i said some people um say i should hit it with the bible and he said oh he said this is the 21st century can you believe people would say that he said i think you need to hit it with a book representing all the great world religions i thought everybody's a comedian from the specialist

i know yeah anyway speaking of the world religion it's been a big week for the Pope. He's been in the news. And this week's fall track is actually about John Paul I. I'm not making this up. This is Hay Luciani. Absolute. Radio. We have been joined by Mark Little.

Ah, good morning all. Oh, that's not patronising. Take me back. Take me back. We don't want to stereotype you in any way. No, of course not. But can you tell what it is yet? You can never tell what it is, can you, with a didgeridoo.

What is it? What is that? I was just moaning about the fact they don't play tunes. No, well, oh, well, no. It's the world's first instrument, wasn't it? Is that right? Yeah. Oh, I can't believe that.

Civilisation. Can I say Mark's the most friendly person we've ever had? It was the second one because the what? You're the most friendly person we've ever had in the studio Hold on he could too No he did Oh well you know what else am I going to say One more

Australian stereotype He could crack What's that Skip? There you go She'll be right So Mark me and Emily We had a bit of an outing the other night, and we went to see your show. Oh, groovy.

Good on you. Oh, we loved it. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's a good show. It's fun. Gareth Dinkobsey lives in Bournemouth. I don't need to think that he couldn't. No, fair enough.

It's a long way to come. It is a long way to come. We'll be heading down his way. Exactly. He can catch you on tour. Yeah, indeed. So, Mark is in the West End at the moment at the Leicester Square Theatre. Indeed. With Defending the Caveman. Yes. So, what's it about, Mark? Oh,

mate, Defending the Caveman. It is one of the worst names for a piece of theatre in the world, Defending the Caveman, but basically that's what I'm doing. The caveman's got a bad reputation. And as a bloke, it comes from my perspective, you know, as a bloke who's lived through the 70s and women's liberation and all that, and back then being considered a caveman, descended from caveman, which we all men were descended from, it's embarrassing because a caveman's got a bad reputation, you know, a bit of a minger, a bit of an oafish, stupid,

club of one on the head, drag about the cave, but that never happened, all that stuff. That's cartoon stuff. The facts are the caveman was a protector and a provider and he worshipped women, and men and women worked together on things. And there were differences as hunters and gatherers. And yes, we're equal, but we're not the same. So the show was trying to explain men to women. And the show's, as you say, it's about the differences between men and women. And I don't

think I've ever been at any show where there were so many couples nodding each other and going, well well that's you you do that quite unbelievable piece of theater that nudge nudge nudge they kept doing it it was it was i mean i've never seen anything that tuned into that thing so there was two couples sitting ahead of us who constantly were going god you do that it was yes and it's all over the room and a lot of women are seeing that oh look that they're laughing over there that oh it's all over the room. And a lot of women are saying that, oh, look, they're laughing over there. Oh, it's not just my bloke. It's everyone's bloke.

So there's all this relief and release going on. Because it's through the PC period, the political correct period, a lot of this stuff didn't get talked about because you didn't know how to quite bring up the issue. And so this bloke dared to write this play and go, look, let's put a few things on the line, a couple of home truths.

And by the end of this show, I've never done a piece of theatre where people are canoodling up and lovey-dovey all... Frank and I weren't doing that. No, fair enough. You're not linked, though, are you? No, but, I mean, you're suggesting it could have brought us together. You're going too far. No, I'm talking about the couples that you're referring to. It does get very... There's a lot of love in the room at the end of it.

It's very simple human politics, and people really respond really well. Well, I honestly felt that some of them were quite relieved to hear that their problems were everybody else's problems. So there was a bit of therapy in it as well. I should point out that mainly it's funny. Yeah. Oh, it is an entertainment.

It's educational as well, but people were absolutely falling about. Well, relate our onto it. Relate the marriage counselling folk. They do recommend people to go and see this play. Is that right? Yeah, it's part of their sort of remit. And originally when it was written, way back in the early 90s,

it did have a little bit of a, because it was American, it did have a little bit of Oprah Winfrey about it, a little bit of theatre as therapy, which the Americans seem to be able to cope with. But an English British audience is not going to go to the theatre for therapy. So it has to be entertaining. And then underlying is this, is this like bit of an enlightenment.

I get 50, 60 year old blokes coming up to me at the end of the show and say, mate, thanks for explaining me to myself. And a lot of women, well, they just, they just laugh like drains, don't they? Well, I went to relate. They never told me to go. They recommended I go to the taming of the shrew.

That's on the NHS, then, is it? Yeah, exactly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Mark Little is our guest today. We're talking about his... What is it? It's a show. And it's called Defending the Caveman.

It's at the Leicester Square Theatre. Till when, Mark? Till when? We've got three weeks. So that's three weeks from, you know, two more weeks after this week. Okay. And then you take it nationwide. Yeah, we go out again.

We go out again for the spring tour. We're actually doing Dubai first. I went to Dubai. I think it's broke. They've got no money there now. Apparently not. But there's one theatre there. There's a theatre and a few people wandering around

looking for something to do. Oh, OK. Apparently, so we're going. Yeah. And that's hilarious because a lot of South Africans, expats, and then these blokes come in with these harems and all these burqa women sit there and you think, oh, I wonder if they're enjoying anything.

I think they're jiggling up and down. Well, John Terry and his wife are heading out there. Oh, good. Well, there you go. I think they'd love that they'd love it wouldn't they're gonna have a great time he's gonna have a great time yeah he should come along that'll be a great show that'll be a lovely holiday for them i'm sure there's a thing that you talk about in as i was saying this if you're in a couple you really

should or as you always say if you're single anyway but couples seem to be particularly loving it and there's a thing where you're talking about like if you're watching the tell but couples seem to be particularly loving it. And there's a thing where you're talking about, like if you're watching the telly, if a bloke's watching the telly, he just wants to watch the telly and nothing else. There's a thing, when I'm in bed with my girlfriend, yes, we do. Of course.

We both read, right? And I'll be reading and she'll start talking to me and I'll say, I'm reading, and she'll say, so am I. Yeah, can't you multitask? Look, that's where the play is very clever. It talks about the men and women as two completely... We've got different histories. Men were hunters and women were gatherers.

So if we look at the hunter, what the hunter's job was, it's the hunter's job to concentrate on their prey to the exclusion of everything else in the whole world until it's dead. Men are good at that. And that's why blokes do have to turn down the car radio when they get lost. You know, I can't turn that off. I can't look in here.

I do it for parking as well. If I park it, I think I have to turn the radio off. And when they're finding a number in a street, is it 142? Oh, let's turn it down. Some blokes have been known to follow their sat-nav over a cliff. It has happened. So blokes can zone in like that. And it seems to

affect everything we do and like that's what happens with the telly blokes don't just watch the telly they become the television and so kath my wife she can be talking to me and i can't even hear her voice i can i can hear this buzzing sort of thing in the background it's not until she's right there saying i know you can hear me talking to you and i come out of the telly and go what do you want she said well nothing and storms off and it's off and it all kicks off because, oh, I'm sorry, I was zoned into tractor pulling on the... It's a very interesting idea, though. So because she would have been a gatherer in the cave,

she'd have had to be looking all around the place. And notice everything all at once. And the play is saying that this is how we survived. If a man can concentrate and narrow his focus, he can protect the tribe. And if a woman can be aware of everything else, she can make sure he didn't get killed while he's doing it. And that's why, Mark says, that's why we like shopping.

Yes. Well, yeah, that's why we shop differently. Yeah. I mean, you know, we like shopping, but, you know, if a shirt wears out, me, I get on the high street, I hunt down a new shirt. Shirt, shirt dead now. Well, Mark, I think it might be time.

It's time for a new shirt. You know, some giveaway down the park hunt down a new shirt. Shirt, shirt dead now. Well, Mark, I think it might be time. It's time for a new shirt. Some giveaway down the park. Beauty, new shirt. But women can. They can go out without a defining goal. They can go and wander and discover. And that's what wears me out personally. It's like, whew, I need a mission bit personally.

And then within the play, there's stuff that happens to blokes and not some, you know, it's not necessarily everything is for every person, because there are things that, you know, that don't necessarily match up with me as what they're talking about, the bloke, but it's trying to take a sort of a general, the ordinary fella, the ordinary woman. It's very, both funny and educational. Yeah, good on you, mate. So what do you think, it's been in the papers this week about men at work which to me was

I think my first awareness of what Australia was about was that song Down Under can you believe it yeah when did that come out

originally was that 79 80 81 82 yeah and then it was big

when Australia won the America's Cup in about 88 I don't know when it was something around what is the America's is that yachting

it's a yachting cup for goodness sake what could be big during a yachting cup? What's happened to Australia? Exactly. It's still trying to get away. That's when Australia turned. We didn't used to be a flag-waving nation until we won that stupid cup,

and we were all supposed to care about it. And then out come this song. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And then the other day we all learned, oh, the Kookaburra song's in there, is it? Oh, so we'd better go and have a listen. You see, I learnt the Kookaburra song's in there, is it? Oh, so we'd better go and have a listen. You see, I learned the Kookaburra song because you can probably tell from my accent, Mark, I grew up in Australia.

Oh, yes, it's still very strong. I'm surprised you haven't broken into the Kookaburra song. I thought half from Home and Away had actually sneaked into the room. You bludger. You flaming mongrel. Oh, there you go, it's all there. But it's true, Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. It's sad, isn't it? It's really sad.

Come on, give us a verse. Okay, Mark. One, two, three. Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. Merry, merry king of the bushes he loves. Kookaburra loves Kookaburra. Gay your life must be. Brilliant. That works really well in the round. And now we have to pay someone 60%.

60% who doesn't even own the song, didn't they? If she wasn't a girl, they weren't a girl. Gosh, she's gone, that woman. But they're dancing in the streets in Earl's Court. Oh, they are. Oh, yes, more than that. Fabulous news. Imagine all those backpackers out there.

Absolute. Radio. Snow Patrol, just saying yes. We're going to need them again this week, apparently, according to the weather forecast. Oh, no. What am I going to do about my shoes? Well, I might go for the male og. Oh, no, don't do that, Frank.

It's very Ronnie Wood. OK, OK, OK, it was just a thought. We've had a couple of insults in, Frank, on 8.12.15. We're asking for people's favourite insults, but it's too late now, don't bother. I like, you're so far in the closet that your best friend is called aslan from man mountain do you think that might be a gay remark i'm liking it though i think so on the same line

getting ready for a night out with my male gay friend my three-year-old saw me in a dress and said mama you look like a princess and then he turned to my friend and said and you look like the queen what is's a three-year-old. Well, I was saying things like that at three. What's wrong with you? Why weren't you? Well, I just think it's a bit forward. I wouldn't dare say a thing like that. So Hywel, H-Y-W-E-L.

I should be able to say that. You have a face like a bucket of smashed crabs. You do. I find that that is a comeback to any insult. Just try me. Just try me on another one of those insults. Today. You have a face like a blind cobbler's thumb.

You do. You see? Automatically, it's turned on them. We're speaking about some of our unusual ailments. I think it's all right to mention this on radio. Hold on. Check the manual. No, it's OK. It's fine.

I have this blackhead, right? Oh, my God. A returning blackhead. I feel absolutely sick. I wouldn't just mention a blackhead on breakfast radio. Oh, my God. This is a weird, this one, it won't go away. Every six

weeks or so, my girlfriend says, it's up again. I say, it's not me. And she says, no, the blackhead. And she, it's on, it's just here on my neck. I don't know if it's up at the moment. Oh my God, I don't want to see it. No, but it's an incredible thing, because she goes at it with, I must say, with Gosto,

who, I don't know if you know, is a Brazilian midfielder. And what he's... I don't know. I never asked him to stay. You know, just because he grins all the time, you know, and provides a carnival atmosphere, he thinks he's all right. Anyway, she does that thing where I say, be careful. And she says, you know, just say stop and I'll stop straight away.

And I'll go, stop, stop, stop! And she'll go, it's coming now. And then doesn't stop. And when it comes out, it's not like what you'd expect. It's like a... If you can imagine... Oh, I feel absolutely bilious. If you can imagine a flesh curtain...

Oh, my God. ..with a unicorn breaking through, with its twisted horn steadily emerging. That's what it's like. It's as sturdy as a twisted unicorn horn. That is the most disgusting thing

you've ever said. Actually, it's not. No. Copy on air. Okay, I'll take it back. But it won't go away. She's obviously never got to the root.

I suppose it's like a unicorn. You snap the horn off, six weeks later it's grown back again. Don't know if you find that. I don't know. Why the Brazilian had to bring his pet is beyond me. It sounds more like a sort of conjoined twin than a blackhead. Yes. Oh, no, I hope we're not dispersing human life casually in that way.

Anyway, can I say my favourite story of this week was the Portsmouth football manager Avram Grant was seen leaving a house of ill repute. That's what we have to say. A house of ill repute. Known as

Foo Foo's. It's a massage parlour in all intents. Also known as Unit 1, which is particularly romantic. Oh, Unit 1. Yeah, not Unit 1. I think Unit 1 is the bloke who shows you in. Unit 2 is the bloke who shows you out. So if you see that on your husband's credit card statement, worry.

Yeah, exactly. But he was seen leaving by tabloid journalists. And the man said, are you familiar with the fact that this place is a brothel? And Avram said, yeah. What a fabulous approach. And they asked his wife about it, and she said, well, you know, he does do what he likes.

He's getting a nice massage. She actually said, the only anger I have is that he does not go to have a Thai massage every day. Yes, we don't know that he doesn't go every day, obviously but um yeah so that's um i don't know about you but i'm so far into the dark world of prostitution that my best friend is called avram anyway um ben jones is coming up next there's no connection can i make that absolutely clear um although he has a nautical air and it does involve Portsmouth. I think that's it for this morning. It's been lovely talking

to you all. Thank you for all your texts, and Mark Little was nice, and yeah, we're doing an extra podcast this week, by the way. We're doing a mid-week podcast, so if you just can't get enough of us, do that. Ben Jones coming up. Good day to you. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.