The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Mark Watson

Episode Date: May 22, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about childhood games,celebrity weddings and butlers.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's 80s weekend. Oh, is it?

Yeah. I didn't notice the difference. weekend. Oh, is it? Yeah. I didn't notice the difference. No. Yeah, I've started drinking again. I've already had a bottle of sherry this morning. And might I say, I could have danced all night. Wasn't there a whole decade dedicated to the 80s? I don't know if it was a whole decade.

Was it not? No, I think... Let's skip a couple. I think 88 and 89, actually, they sort of merged with the 90s. Six months each? Yeah, something like that, yeah. You've got to give people a bit of a ramp when they're coming out of a decade. You don't want that sudden, whoa, God, and you're in a different decade.

It's like when you're falling asleep and you feel, what do they call that, a hypnic jerk? Oh, I hate that. Like on the tube when you see someone keep waking up. Well, the theory is that your body becomes so relaxed, your muscles, that you're not, you know, normally when you sit, you support yourself. Yeah. Or lie. Because your body's not supporting itself in any way, it thinks it's falling through

the air. So it responds in a bit of a, ooh. So I want to imagine, see, if you jumped off the top of a large skyscraper at some point you go that might possibly break your fall in some way, I doubt that it would if anyone's listening, don't try etc did you see

I don't mean did you see with Ludwig Kennedy, if you think this is going to be a list of shows from the past Ludo, friend of my father's, anyway. Was he really? Yeah, my dad knew him. Marvellous. Did you see the Boy George bio programme?

If it's a TV programme, it's not a bio pic then, it's a bio programme. Oh, yeah, bio show. I did see that and it was one of the best things I've ever seen. I loved it. No, you don't mean that, do you? I do.

Why, didn't you? Did you see it? I saw it. Why would I bring it up?, do you? I do. Why, didn't you? Did you see it? I saw it. Why would I bring it in? Just because I wanted to know what it was like. I thought it was one of the worst things I've ever seen. You're joking. Wow.

Yeah, I mean, it was... Oh, my God. What's wrong with you? How could you not like it? It was like backstage at Stars in the Rise. It was one of these things. If it's people dressed up, no need to act as long as the makeup's right it was basically the story of by george ang and um all that so so there's a bit where the camera pans around the

club and i was worried about the boy wasn't it is that what it was yeah yeah and um like duran duran were in a corner chatting i like the idea that they always hung around as a group and they're captioned as duran duran i mean obviously that's putting out that they don't hung around as a group. And they're captioned as Duran Duran. I mean, obviously, they don't walk around with a large... I wouldn't be surprised if they did. Well, that was helpful for me, because I didn't know who anyone was. Oh, did you see it? Yeah, I saw it. How dare you say that on Absolute 80s Weekend

when we're not acknowledging the last 30 years? Yeah, actually, this is a good topic for Absolute 80s Weekend. What a company man I've become in recent times. It's that thing where because we're in the know, you know, because George is somebody's playing George, somebody

quite handsome, I thought. A Burberry model. That's how handsome he is. He's a Burberry model. Is he really? Well, anyway, he would be knocking around. But you think, well, obviously this is going to become by George. And so people say to him stuff like, you write a song. And I hate that kind of thing.

Somebody said, yeah, the day George forms a band, I'll et cetera, et cetera. And you think, you can't just keep doing that. My favourite bit was when he was at school. So it's just boy George in a school uniform. Yeah. And the guy says, so what are you interested in? He goes, make-up. Yeah.

There's no career in make-up, boy. So did you like it? You've been non-committal. I thought it was all right. I didn't know who everyone was. Oh, we represent the entire spectrum, don't we? I loved it, you loathed it. You don't really care. That's brilliant. Can I mount a defence? Well, go on then. No, I think it was actually,

I thought it was very moving. I thought it was really well directed. I loved the guy who played Boy George. But I've worked out why you don't like it, Frank. Why? Now, I'm not being rude, but... Let me on to my arm rests no but i just i don't think it's your culture i think it was like london subculture in the 80s and like if it was a documentary about whippets in birmingham in the 70s i think i wouldn't have

understood that either i wouldn't have liked it well i'm a little i have broader horizons than that let me say i mean you know it's not i just think for a start off saying george writes a song he's not quite as striking an odd thing nowadays because if somebody said to me boy george has written a new song what that bloke looks like uncle fester from the adams Family. I remember I showed a clip. I interviewed Fat Boy Slim. And there was a... Boy George at the time was DJing. And we had a shot of him DJing in this club. And when he came back, Fat Boy Slim said to me, he looked like he was washing off.

Which always really made me laugh. Anyway, if you want to text us about anything today, including Boy George, it is Absolute 80s Weekend. Absolute 80s Weekend. You heard me laugh. Anyway, if you want to text us about anything today, include him by George. It is absolute 80s weekend. Absolute 80s weekend. Sorry, the jingles haven't turned up this morning. You've got to think on your feet in this job. Why is it all Gregorian monk chart, the absolute 80s weekend?

Yeah, we've got rid of Matt Berry. I think he goes on. He goes on with his droning deep voice. And we've gone Gregorian. Absolute. Radio. There you go. That was Just Can't Get Enough by Ronan Keating.

Oh, no, sorry, by Depeche Mode. Ronan cheating. Yes, Ronan cheating. It was worth philandering, wasn't it? Just to get that pun in. If I had a name that rhymed with cheating, I'd be doing it all the time. He also got called a text maniac.

See, that can be a pun. That could be anyone. Couldn't they have done something with Ronan? You'd think so, wouldn't you? Ronan, Ronan. Perhaps that's it. Shall we have that as a... Anyone at home who's got any good ideas,

I'd hate 12, 15. They could have used the word Ronan as the headline for this story. I like the picture of the woman he allegedly cheated with. Is it still allegedly? We're still at the allegedly stage in this. Oh, I always worry. I better walk tentatively.

Do go on. There's a picture of her, and it says next to her picture, where she's holding two champagne glasses, not one but two, it says bubbly. Pal says she laps up party lifestyle. Yeah, well, that's her summed glasses, not one but two. It says bubbly. Pals say she laps up party lifestyle. Yeah, well, that's her summed up, isn't it?

We now know the kind of person he is. I don't know, it's... The odd thing, I find, is that she looks very much like his wife. And surely the whole thing about an affair is the pursuit of la différence. You know, you're looking for something... He should have been with Rusty Lee. Rusty Lee? Well, he's got this skinny blonde wife.

You want to go to the other end of the spectrum, surely. You don't want to go to another skinny blonde girlfriend. Is he just that he can't be bothered to change the character on his wee? Oh, we've had a couple of suggestions in for Roving Keating. Mitch and Croydon have suggested. Roving Keating? Mitch, you've hit it right on the head. Fabulous.

Roman Ronan has also been sent in. Roman Ronan? Yeah. I like that because it felt like it was going to be Roman Road. Yeah, exactly. I had it in my mind, an image of a long, straight thoroughfare ahead of me, and then at the last minute turned into an act of rudeness. Exactly.

Stuart from Nottingham has said Ronan Love Rat rat which yeah it's a bit like roland rat oh i see yeah yeah but you don't want to have to explain the joke don't tell me that gareth hasn't got his ponying hat on of all things i just thought that was a very greecian remark i'll say it was garethian that's what i'm saying i must say that um you are glowing today emily oh wow thank you i'm not a man to throw away um compliments but that you are you're as brown as a i've got a little tan berry i worked hard to get this tan i crawled a hill of broken glass to get this tan i was literally i was just the minute i got to i've been in mauritius everyone thank you yes i'm back and the minute i got there i was just straight on the beach didn't move loved it i think i know um sand is made from the same thing as glass but i don't think you can describe the sand as a hill of glass i must say the whole beach holiday thing

would be a lot less popular if the beaches were just broken glass. Do you want to hear about my holiday? Well, I'm slightly reluctant to tell you, having said that. Can I be honest? Because it was a level of luxury. And it was so luxurious that I think you'll judge me and I think you might tease me for how luxurious it was. Do you promise not to? Well, like, better than Butlins.

I bet you've never been to Butlins. Am I right? Yeah, I've how luxurious it was. Do you promise not to? Well, like, better than Butlins. I bet you've never been to Butlins. Am I right? Yeah, I've been to Butlins. Have you? I bet you worked there. Yeah, doing the drain. No, I meant doing stand-up, maybe. Oh, OK.

OK, so... I thought you might have gone there just looking over the wall in some sort of strange hat. That's how I was picturing the scene. Doesn't everyone do stuff there? That's what Lee Mack did stuff there. Didn't you do that, Frank? No, I didn't. I know I didn't start from bottom end. Okay. I just emerged

fully formed. So, Mauritius. Yes. So I had a butler. You had a butler? Yes. Oh, absolutely. Did you resist the temptation when he made the very first time of the era to go, I hate you, butler? Yes. Oh, absolutely. Did you resist the temptation when he made the very first tidy error to go, I hate you, butler?

Because that, for me, would be the only point in having a butler. Once I'd got that out of the way, I'd be happy to just dismiss him. He was so nice to me. He polished my sunglasses when I was on the beach. Did he? Yeah. Why you were wearing them? No, he would just...

Just hose them down. He came over to me a few times on the beach. Did he? Yeah. While you were wearing them? No. Just hold them down. He came over to me a few times during the day. He would, just to make sure, every time they needed polishing. Did he ask, or would he take them off? He'd just hold his hand out, and I'd hand them over. Well, that's good, I suppose.

Wow. Yeah. Oh, it was fantastic. So every time he needed anything, you'd just ring him. He attended to all my needs. Well, I'm liking the sound of that. Yeah. And I also met a French chef called Stefan, who was lovely.

He taught me how to open a champagne bottle with a sword. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's true. I wondered why you were carrying a sword. Yeah, you're going out for a drink after. Yeah, you see, if you were stopped in the street with a sword and said, sorry, I'm just office, I'm just going for a champagne breakfast,

I doubt you'd be allowed to proceed. I imagine you'd come under it and lift the cork. Well, that's exactly it. And Stefan stands behind you like a sort of... Yes, I've heard that. I bet he does. Not in our house, he doesn't. If I've got a sword, he can keep his distance.

Or should I say his distance? It's like a tennis coach helping you practice your swing. That's what he does. He says you have to do it like a tennis move, like follow through. And it was brilliant. It's a good skill to have. I've got a certificate. I can do a very similar thing with a meerkat.

I'd like to do it with that one on the telly, I'll tell you that. But of course that's animated, it would have none of the gore. Yeah. So did you have a good time? I loved it. See, I'm no good on those holidays when you just lie on the beach. Oh. No, I don't.

Well, I can't swim. It's too close to my normal life. Yeah, exactly. Well, no, I live in Bournemouth. Well, you do live in Bournemouth, exactly. I'm just going to say I-er lots and lots of different ways. What do you think? I-er, I-er.

Oh. Your love lifting me higher. You know, I can't swim. I can't swim. So I sit on the beach watching people enjoying themselves, walking back up with their feet a little bit raw because they've been in the water, you on the stones and everyone's all wet and lovely and they're putting on snorkels small children are swimming and i'm frightened as the as the

tide comes in i move steadily backwards up the beach so i'm no more than 20 what a fool i feel don't get me wrong i wouldn't go in the sea i just lie on the beach oh well that's did you not go in the sea at all no it's i's... I don't like fish. It's their manner. I'm not going in there. Quite right. Absolute radio. Too much too young. Oh, my goodness! Group of people have suddenly gone

past in high spirits. Mark Watson, by the way, is our guest today. Oh, excellent. Yeah, he's very good. I'm quite excited about that. Not that I'm not excited. Not some weeks I'm not excited about them. I'm not prepared to identify when that's the case. Oh, I'm going to. I'm going to name and shame right here, right now.

I don't think you should. Just hold up signs and I'll say yay or nay. I don't know why I'll say that. Is there an 18th century jockey coming into the room? Anyway, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. That's the morning!

Oh, now I feel like we're off. Off and running. I'll tell you what story I like this week. I like the man who, the jigsaw man. Oh, yeah. Who spent, what is it, 20 years doing a 2 million piece jigsaw. No, 7 years doing a 5,000 piece jigsaw. But as you were. Yeah. And then there was a pieceaw. No, seven years doing a 5,000 piece jigsaw. But as you were.

Yeah. And then there was a piece missing. Oh, that's so annoying. It's like marriage, isn't it? Yeah. A piece missing. Well, you know, you spend all those years putting together this elaborate puzzle

thinking eventually it'll be finished and perfect. And then it never quite. There's always a hole, a jagged hole. So... I loved a jigsaw, though, when I was a kid. I had a 242-piecer. It was of Henry VIII. Was it?

The Holbein portrait. I loved it. Oh, the Holbein. One of my favourites. I mean, some people say Holbein was slightly two-dimensional in his thing, but I'm all right with that. It's stylised. Yeah. Some of his Erasmus portraits are absolutely top of the

pile yeah is that our text in fave holbein portraits i think that would be the best texting that had ever been i actually i think neil francis did it about eight months before he left um oh no no i think that was holbein actually i think that might have been broigel oh okay yeah anyway um i uh i had this thing i used to play when I was a kid. I didn't really do jigsaws. We played brick and stick. What? Brick and stick was you put a stick on the gutter.

Oh, that's a nice game. So it leans at an angle, and then you put a brick on the bottom, and then you stamp on the other end of the stick, and the brick flies high, high into the air. I haven't seen that in toys are ass that game i don't know if you could do it health and safety wise because i did it and i was so fascinated by the stone that i was stood staring over it and didn't stand back and i've jettisoned it straight into my mouth and you see i've got two chipped teeth at the front there

is that from brick and stick that's from brickick and Stick injury. I had no idea. They've never grown back. You'd think that teeth would, you know, they'd sort themselves out. They don't. Because you were transfixed by the brick. I was transfixed by the brick, yeah. We played Weddings and we played Brothels. Oh, just a minute.

No, when I say Brothels, it was with dolls, obviously. That's a bit like Roman Keaton, is that it? Let me just have a look in... You can't say that. Let me have a look in the absolute manual. Brie, bras. Brian Adams. That controversy. Brasola. Breastwarts.

Oh, no. Oh, no, brothels, yeah. Brothels are seven times we're allowed. Oh, OK. Well, exactly. Yeah, let's call it cat house. So do you want to know about weddings or brothels? I'll tell you weddings first

and then you can come to brothels if you earn it. I think that's the normal order of things, isn't it? Yeah, so you... Well, we played weddings. That was with us. That was actually, that wasn't with dolls. Who were the us? You and your... Me and my sister and the neighbour's children. And, but, because my parents were athe atheists we didn't have any bibles in the house so we had to cover a mr men book with foil what happened when you got a ganglion i know what that's a reference to there's a certain

cyst one gets that you had to hit with a bible to get rid of it oh well anyway so um so we covered a mr men book with foil that was the prayer book that's the same thing yeah and then i wore a nightie and a towel on my head and i married kanichi the son of the japanese businessman was he a real character or he sounded like he should be in the hong kong food you married kanichi yeah and then it all went wrong because he squirted me with a water pistol oh okay

and that was the end of that yes it was even a domestic violence theme yeah such was the realism of your game playing exactly

and the second stage what brothels oh no that's it now no more brothels will you stop saying it oh sorry that was just with our dolls actually Chris Eubank told me that it was No more brothels. Will you stop saying it? Oh, sorry.

That was just with our dolls. Actually, Chris Eubank told me that it was where the headquarters of the European Union was held. Very good. Thank you very much. Excellent. I'm always working. I like I'm sitting here relaxed, but I'm always working. Inside me, there are little men going through a filing cabinet. It's like there's no tomorrow.

And at my age, there might not be. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, no, no, it's not the end. I just got a big sign next to me that said move on, and I just thought that was, you know... Really? Yeah. Oh, no, it's a van by the window.

It's gone now. Oh, it's Gordon Brown stuff leaving Downing Street. Do you want to know about brothels? I do want to know, yeah, but, you know, I have to play music as well, that's part of the role But we can't say it again, we're going to have to get a new word for it What's other words for it? A bordillo

I like, I'm liking that That's what that means, isn't it? Yeah, you said it and then lost Bordello, is it, rather than bordillo Oh, let's call the whole thing broth See, I had to change, I had to slightly lose the syllable on that, which wasn't as good, I'll be straight with you. No-one ever calls it a broth, for sure, do they?

Unless you've got, like, a load of cooks in it, I suppose. Too many... See, that's what we need. That's the scandal we need, a load of TV chefs in a whorehouse. Yeah. Too many cooks for the broth. Oh, it's worth... Why don't they do it just for that? These people, they have no sort of pond sensitivity. That's the morning.

Childhood games. We'd like you to text in your unusual childhood games. You had an odd one, didn't you? My one, my favourite one was... Oh, I went 8-12-15, sorry. I went 8-12-15. The chocolate game. You know the chocolate game that you play at parties?

Well, you ate it. No. No, what you do is you throw a dice. So you all sit in a circle, you throw a dice, and if you roll a 6, it's your turn. Can I just tell you, why have I got strangely anxious about this anecdote? I'm watching Gareth and Gareth's getting excited into the story and I'm looking for

pitfalls of all kinds. I should be more confident go on gareth you've thrown the dice first one gets a six yeah if you get a six you have to put on a hat a scarf and a pair of gloves and then you get a knife and fork and you have there's a chocolate bar and until someone rolls another six you have as much time as well you have to try and eat as much chocolate as you can open the chocolate wrapper with the knife and fork. What the hell is this? It's a game, the chocolate game.

I've never heard of it. Have you not heard of it? Was it just in your house? No, I went to parties. I didn't like it because it all got a bit desperate and frantic. You went to parties? Whatever happened to that pastime? Like, you know, birthday parties when you were a kid.

You know, in those days, you can't just invite people you want. Your mum says, oh, yeah, invite Gareth. Yeah. No one ever invites him. Oh. No, I don't remember going to any parties at all as a child. I think with the blackout, we couldn't enjoy it. Didn't you have brick and stick parties?

They were great, those. It was very much an outdoor event, though, and I don't know if we had summer. Well, you weren't allowed after you got transfixed by the brick. That's why they didn't invite you to stick and brick parties. Perhaps I wasn't part... I never remember going to a child's birthday party, ever. Well, there's still time.

Yeah, if I get into balloon modelling, it's a pastime. I remember one game I hated was... I feel bad about this, but I'm going to tell you. I used to hang around with these kids who used to catch frogs and then torture them. And I didn't do it, but I pretended I was all right with it. I used to go home and I used to cry. I used to properly cry. It's a bit like when Emily does a joke about working class people and I join in.

I go home and I sob in my own home. I also, me and my cousin Dave, he had, I had a Batman outfit which my mum made. Like grey school jumper. Yeah. And then she put the bat crest on it and stuff. Oh, that's so sweet. Did she sew it on? Yeah, and I had black wellingtons, blue jeans.

Oh, black wellingtons. Batman doesn't wear black wellingtons, blue jeans. Oh, black wellingtons! Batman doesn't wear black wellingtons. Well, he did in a house. And then my nephew had, like, you know, a yellow T-shirt, red tank top. We thought it through. He had the short trunks. He had to wear green swimming trunks in the street. But we used to dress up like this, me and him.

And I was slightly taller than him, so it was perfect. But we never really came up with any games to play. so we just sort of hung around with the other kids but dressed as batman and robin it was like more batman and robin leisure time if you can imagine an episode when batman and robin had fallen on hard times and were unemployed and just hung around sat around drinking orange squash. Yeah, so we didn't pretend we were fighting villains. We just sat and talked about stuff. Just hung around. We hung around with the other kids who were perfectly well-dressed.

That's the problem, is that when I was a kid, I used to read the famous five books, and they always had mysteries to solve and everything. There was never anything, mysteries to solve when I was a kid. Never one mystery. Oh, we had loads. Where's my mysteries to solve when I was a kid. Never one mystery. Oh, we had loads. Where's my dad out tonight? That was a good game.

We loved that. Who's he with tonight? Mine was, who will my dad hit tonight? Yeah. Oh my goodness. No, not, I don't mean our family,

I mean outsiders. So what, did you blindfold your dad and then sort of spin him round? Yeah, in the pot. And then release him. And then say, just go for it.

He could take two or three down before they'd, before they they got out of there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts in. You know, we were talking about childhood games. Yeah. And we've had one in that I really liked from someone called Kat,

saying, my brother and I used to play a game we invented called Pants Jousting. Oh. Oh, dear. Have you read this through before? No, I haven't. It's fine. This involved each of us holding a long bamboo pole, one of us balancing a pair of my brother's clean Y-fronts on the end.

We then ran towards each other from opposite ends of the garden and tried to capture the pants from the other pole. The potential for losing an eye was quite high but it kept us amused. Oh, I love the sound of pants. There's health and safety implications. That sounds quite dangerous.

I've never heard of that one before. Well, the chocolate game is very popular. Everyone knows the chocolate game. Yeah, it turns out we laughed at... Didn't we also laugh at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round? But we laughed at Gareth when we thought he invented the chocolate game. Turns out many of our listeners are chocolate game enthusiasts.

I feel vindicated. Can you just cut that bit out and use that as the trailer? Let people make of it what they will. We played the chocolate game and you had to wear oven gloves to make it really difficult. Maybe that was just my mum being evil. But you said you wore gloves. Sorry, who was that from? That's from Susie in Portsmouth. Okay. Yeah, but like

it depends, you know, you could have different sorts of gloves. I'm imagining, when I think of the awful, I'm seeing her in the two crocodiles. You know the crocodile oven gloves with the teeth. Suki says, Gareth, we still play the chocolate game. Did you play Wacko 2?

I don't know what Wacko is. I don't like the sound of Wacko. It sounds very brick and stick. I used to play a game where you had to bend over with your head against a wall. One kid would stand against a wall as padding and then you'd stand, bend over with your head in his lower abdomen.

Are you sure this was a childhood game? Honestly. Sounds like pants, Justin. And then another kid would run and jump on his back, abdomen right you sure this is a childhood game honestly and then like pants just and then and then another kid would run and jump on his back the bending kid jump on his back and he had to shout whack horses whack horses one two three orny orny orny and and then orny orny orny i don't know just hearing about it um and then another kid would join it'd be how many kids you can have on your on your back and again quite a dangerous game but so that was called whack horses so maybe

wacko was a version of that if that is not what you did then explain what wacko was because people should explain what the games mean it's not enough just names you know because now in this day when adults sort of go and buy sweets they used to eat in the 80s, it might be that there'll be adults tonight playing the chocolate game. We could combine all our things. You could play the chocolate game in a brothel, but with a live frog instead of a chocolate bar. And then all our child experiences will be melted into one fabulous lump. What say you that?

No, I'm a pro too. A live frog would be better than... You see, we didn't have actual male dolls, so we had to just improvise. So one was a costume doll. It was Nelson, was one of the... Surely that's a male doll. What is this, for clients?

Yeah, clients, the Johns. There was a big lion, was one of the Johns, and he didn't really work, because he was too big and cuddly. He's all gone very 19th century, ain't it? He was... So a lion used to come in.

There was a lion, there was Nelson and the other was a wooden policeman doll but he didn't have arms because he was just wooden. And was he undercover there? I don't know. Oh, that's a good idea.

It could have been. I think the Fonz maybe visited once. He was a John once. Right. But that was it. But you had a Nelson doll. Yeah, we had a Nelson doll. We had, yeah.

So he was popular. He was popular with the girls. Yeah. Okay. Insert your own Nelson's column joke here. Yes. Well, what can I say? I have to say, I can't, I don't feel any better.

I was moving down amputee sex. For goodness sake. Thanks. Absolute Radio. Now, Emily, you went to probably the wedding of the year, I think it's fair to say. I might have. Yeah, come on.

I might have. You were at the wedding of the year, spill the beans. Not the wedding. Yes. Not that wedding. Well, no one worried were at the wedding of the year, Spill the Beans. Not the wedding. Yes. Not that wedding. Well, now I'm worried we're not talking about the same wedding. Which wedding are you talking about? I'm talking about David Walliams married Laura Stone.

Laura Stone. Laura Stone you married. And, yeah, you were there. I did attend, yes. I was very lucky to be invited. And it was a showbiz bash and a half. It really was, yeah. No, it was. It was the most amazing wedding I. I was very lucky to be invited. And it was a showbiz bash and a half. It really was, yeah. That's amazing.

No, it was. It was the most amazing wedding I think I've ever been to in terms of there was like, there was synchronised swimmers. Can you believe that? Wow. Where? Upstairs. Well, there was like...

Upstairs? What was it? Rising damp? On the rooftop pool. Oh, of course. Of course. Male or female? Female. Okay.

The worst thing I had was that I'd worn, I had a beautiful dress, an Alberto Ferretti dress that I wore to the Sony Awards. Remember that nice dress? You didn't wear the same dress twice. Well, yeah, because, you know, Broken Britain, what can I do? I couldn't get it on. So, um, I thought, no one will cross over.

I'll be fine. No one's going to know. No one's going to know. First person I see when I walk in, Winklemanudia winkleman who was at the sony awards i thought she winkleman's gotta die i can't bear this i thought you was there's a man there selling seafood out of a basket when you said that and he said god blimey don't you wear that frock at the saudis love that would have been an embarrassing it's the sort of thing i imagine david williams would get ironically i imagine much of the festival the uh the ceremony was ironic you've turned Saudis love. That would have been an embarrassing... It's the sort of thing I imagine David Williams would get, ironically. I imagine much of the festival, the ceremony was ironic. You've turned it into a festival

now. It was a sort of a celebrity festival. It wasn't an actual festival. Wasn't it? Yes, no, it was, and there was really nice, like they did, I thought this was very funny, the music they danced to is Beauty and the Beast, which I thought was very, I liked that a lot. Yeah, that...

I'd always thought he'd make a great Dracula, Dave Walliams. Don't you think? I don't know what you mean. Yes, because he's very smart and dashing, but... Little bit creepy. Frank, that's a big thing to say about my friend. I don't mean it in a bad way. I think creepiness can have a certain charm to it.

Oh, yeah, everyone wants to be creepy. I think we're all creepy in our own way. We can be creepy in our own way. Yeah. And there was a very flattering passport booth where you went in and there was a wind machine in there

and I've never had such nice photos taken of me. I came out and Rob Brydon looked at the photos and went, oh, if it makes you look like that, I'm going in there. And he went straight in there. I thought it was a bit rude. I don't think Rob Brydon should have gone in there went, oh, if it makes you look like that, I'm going in there. And he went straight in there. I thought it was a bit rude. I don't think Rob Brydon should have gone in there. Frank!

I mean, that could have landed on the cake if there'd been a strong gust. I kept worrying I'd fall in the pool, though, as I said to Alan Carr. Can you believe it? There's something wrong with this show. I thought I was a celebrity. I'm talking about brick and stick.

And Emily's with Alan Carr and some synchronised swimmers having her hair blown over Rob Brighton. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But Emily's just friends with famous people. They consider it name-dropping when she mentions me because it's her trying to seem like she's got friends who aren't famous. We'll go out on that then, shall we? Absolute Radio.

Oh, that was a cure. Love rats. That was good, actually. Not love rats. Love cats. Oh, sorry. Not rolling rats. Oh, I've got Rowan and Keating on my mind.

We asked people to send in punning headlines with the word Ronan in. And we got some that we couldn't read out. We did. One, it was sort of, it rhymed with Ronan, sort of, and it suggested that he worked in sort of filleting. Yeah. That was his thing. Ronan the Barbarian.

I enjoyed Ronan the Barbarian. That's good. Who said that? We've had some other... Not even getting a credit, that person. They sat, they worked that out and they didn't even get a credit. Is it life like that? Can you look it up, please, Gareth?

Thank you. We've had a text, and we were talking about unusual games that you played as a kid. So Angus has sent one in saying, Hazel had primary in Aberdeen

in 1980. Very specific. It is, but I'm glad that people called Angus live in Aberdeen. It seems that all. Here's what I'm glad that people called Angus live in Aberdeen. It seems that all is right with it. Is this going to be a beef relay? Angus says we played a game we invented called Groggy

Jobby. Don't panic, I've read it, it's clean. Two of us stood at opposite ends of a plank of wood between two tree stumps and tried to push each other off. This surely is an official Highland game, isn't it? Well, it then says the loser had groggy jobby chanted at them by the spectators. I love the idea they were official spectators.

There's not so much there is to do in Aberdeen. There's two kids pushing each other off the plank. OK, it's £4.50 a ticket, £4 concessions. Well, thanks for that, Angus. I've never had a groggy jobby before. Yeah. And, Gareth, you had one, didn't you? Yes, it was Ali on the M1 who came up with Ronan the Barbarian.

Oh, well done. Thank goodness. Craig said, my cousins had these massive cushions and they used to ram each other's head on with these to see who could push the other the furthest. You all right with this? Are you translating as you go?

I'm imagining it's in Sanskrit, and you're sort of bosking it. One day, one of my cousins stepped neatly to the side and watched as the other smashed straight through the thick 80s-style plastic glass door, protected, of course, by the big pillow. That's from Craig. That's a fabulous story for an absolute 80s weekend.

That's what we need, some 80s-themed yarns. Yeah. I say, yarns. And someone else says, did Emily pull at the wedding? That's what the country is waiting to hear, Ned in London. Well, as Ronan says, you say it best when you say nothing at all. And that's how I'm leaving it. Yeah.

Life is a rollercoaster. Just got to ride it. no reference to um who caught the bouquet um laura's friend i believe laura's friend one of the people you didn't recognize oh i'm glad they did all that throughout the because you imagine you know yeah because it's so showbiz that wouldn't have any of those lovely traditions. It sounds like there was still love in the room. Oh, there was. And there was cupcakes, which I love. You know, because I don't, like, that's more the fashion now,

is to have cupcakes at weddings. Well, do you know, I was, I know you were away last week at Marisha's, but I was talking about exactly that. I went to a wedding and there was no cake, just little cupcake things. Much nicer. I don't like a fruitcake. The thing is is there used to be this thing of keeping a layer of the wedding cake for the um for your first child as for the christmas oh really i don't think they're supposed to eat cake the first few months oh well maybe it was for teething on i think you kept the horseshoe as well yeah anyway so um mark w Watson will be with us after this.

So that's good. Though you'll be go-go. If there was a ghost in Mark Eastman's house, the ghost would be more frightened than he would be. Anyway, Mark Watson has joined us. Good morning, Mark. Hello. Hello, Frank.

Can I start by telling you something? Oh, yeah. Last Christmas, right? I gave you my... No. Last Christmas, right? I gave you my... No. Last Christmas, I was at my girlfriend's mom's house, which is where I always go for Christmas, and there was me and her and people sitting around,

and we watched A Child's Christmas is in Wales. Ah, yeah. I didn't know where this story was going to go. Yeah. I was still thinking about the Wham song. Yeah, and which you wrote. Yes, not the song, but I did write this. A Child'smas and it was one of those things where christmas where you sit all together and watch something and it's so brilliant that you don't even get up and have a cup of tea and we all said we didn't say anything at all we just

watched it all just laughing but not and then at the end we all just went oh man that was so so perfect and so brilliant oh that's a very nice so i'm starting with a thank you i thought there was going to be a sting in the tail no no sting in the tail on that one i thought that was great normally if someone says something yeah yeah i'm braced for it but at least uh just have one like compliment like that without some sort of um without some bitter end it's a lovely feeling in my life i don't i don't do bitter ends no so um yeah thanks frank it was really brilliant is there any chance you might ever do anything similar we were talking about doing what um the thing is it was set in the 80s and it's sort of all quite specific just so happens mark that it's absolute 80s weekend so

it isn't again everything falls into place it. Well, should we sort of knock something together over this weekend and put it into them? Let's do it. Yeah. We were having an 80s weekend on Absolute, and we thought we'd workshop this script together. Actually, we were talking about doing a follow-up, yeah, but I've done Christmas now. Easter's not quite got the same resonance, is it? We thought about doing a series, but, yeah, because it is set in the past, you'd have to sort of mess it. Can you set a whole thing in the 80s because you can't can't you isn't um

it's ashes to ashes wasn't that set in the 80s yeah it's different ash wednesday you could do ash wednesday it's been underrepresented on sort of tv comedy well if you did ash wednesday to ash wednesdays that'd be great yes the ashes to ashes you could you'd be tuning into that we'd be sort of getting on that bandwagon yeah and if that if that went well in turn, we could go for Maundy Thursday or whatever it's called. There's a whole load of sort of minor Easter festivals that have hardly been touched on. That'd be a St Swithin's Day, a children's St Swithin's Day. Now, we've made the main street breakthrough with Christmas. It's time to start being a group.

Yeah, St Swithin's Day or Pentecost, all these things sort of barely ever covered, really. Oh, there you go. That's the series, surely. Yeah. I can just see myself pitching that. So, one on Pentecost, one on these things sort of barely ever covered, really. Oh, there you go. That's a series, surely. Yeah. I can just see myself pitching that. So one on Pentecost, one on St Swithin's. Maybe Anzac Day for your New Zealand special. To make sure that it'll play abroad, yeah.

This is a winner, I think. Yes. A child's St Swithin's Day. So, Mark, you're on tour at the moment. Yes. It hasn't sort of properly started yet, but when it does get going, it'll go on for sort of most of the rest of my life.

It's enormous, yeah. It's what Bob Dylan calls the never-ending tour. Actually, he doesn't call it, but everyone else calls it that, because Bob Dylan is basically always on tour. Yeah, I thought he'd invented that himself. No, apparently he doesn't like it being called that. Oh, really? Yeah, he can be tetchy.

He's known for being a little bit picky sometimes he is yeah oh i'd be a mystery if i interviewed him that would probably be one of the first things i said and then that would be game over probably he'd skulk out much under his breath yeah i'm doing a sort of um yeah when he starts doing that you know it's either over he's just doing a song or he's dying yeah when dylan does die we'll have to hope he doesn't do it in such a lyrical sort of way or no one will know um i i um if he doesn't want that then i'll have the never-ending tour thing okay so when does when does it commence for well it i'm doing it really starts with the edinburgh

festival in august although before that i'm I'm doing warm-up shows and stuff. And then after Edinburgh it goes through to October, through to Christmas, a bit in January, finishes in February in Middlesbrough. So the end of all this is Middlesbrough. I'm glad you know where it... It sounds like you've had the no sleep till Middlesbrough T-shirts already made. Yeah, why wouldn't you?

Yeah, that's going to be... It's probably the most anyone's ever looked forward to going to Middlesbrough, in a sense. It's going to be um it's probably the most anyone's ever looked forward to going to middlesbrough in a sense it's going to be a very very big occasion so what's it called mark in this day when comedy tours always have names oh it's called um do i know you because um quite often because one of the things that people say to me quite often because i'm sort of um i've been on tv just enough for people to sort of recognize me but not enough for them to really know i am so i have an awful lot of conversations where people say, do I know you from somewhere?

I have those too, but it's normally men for different reasons. There we are, yeah. It's the sort of situation that can arise for various reasons in your life. Yeah, exactly. It's either sort of Mott the Week or a chequered past that gets you into these sort of conversations. Yeah, and also I have it with my 85-year-old gran. Yeah, Mott the Week, chequered past, or just senility. Yeah, not the weak checkered past, just senility.

It's when your loved ones start saying, do I know you, it becomes sort of darker. Yeah, especially when they say, yeah, but do I really know you? Yeah, but come on. Everyone says that, my grand. So the idea is to use that as a sort of title and then talk a little bit about the idea of being well-known and what it means to be important and stuff like that. But it'll basically just be loads of jokes,

as usual. I should hope so. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Echo Beach, Martha and the Muffins. I liked that advert before that featured three lions. You liked it because you got royalties off it.

Seven pence. Every time that's played, I get seven pence. Let's hear it again, shall we? Mark Watson is with us. Mark, who is on tour, but he's been a bit cagey about when it is. I think we've established that. I think the first one is October the 7th in Leicester, or October the 8th. Just go to De Montfort Hall now in Leicester, and I'll be there as long as I...

I'll see you in October. As soon as I can get away with it. Well, the queue in will take that. If you want to get a ticket, get there now. Oh, I think it's probably too late for a lot of these venues, yeah. That's the spirit! If you've not snapped up your ticket for the Winding Wheel in Chesterfield by now, it's probably... they'll certainly be down for the last six, seven hundred. That sounds a bit like the Wicker Man, the Winding Wheel in Chesterfield.

It's by far the most sort of unnervingly named theatre that I'm going on the tour. Most of them are just, you know, the new theatre, the rep, and then suddenly, the winding wheel, Chesterfield. You have an image you might be performing on, like St Catherine. Yeah, it sounds like my... Strap to a diamond wheel. Exactly, yeah. Which is how I normally ask to be...

It's just that they can't always stretch to that sort of a set. Well, the trouble is, I find they're all right with the wheel, they can't get the moving microphone. That's the thing, yeah. You're only getting one word in ten as you go past the mic. The sound guys get really irritated sometimes. Have you got a spin round, mate?

But don't they anyway? Yeah, I think so, yeah. This is why St Catherine didn't last. It's just too much of a novelty act. Yeah, it's true, actually. Sound guys tend to get annoyed if you just ask for a microphone. That's a quiet audience, yeah.

So, do you... You're on a self-improvement course is that still happening yeah but it's not a proper self-improvement course i'm just doing it myself i when i got to 30 which was recently i thought right it's time i sort of um by the time i'm forced i'd like to sort of not be such an awful person so i've just set myself a few tasks i'm a big fan of that you see because i i've always a friend of mine said to me many years ago she'd always be having lessons in something and and ever since then i've really tried to stick to that are you doing that i think self-improvement i'm ukulele at the moment are you but always i

mean you've done all sorts frank tango drawing i think it's yeah i've been having drum lessons ice skating drum yeah ice skating i think it's nice to sort of try and um well yeah it's nice to try and improve yourself isn't it but i'm suspicious of try and... Well, yeah, it's nice to try and improve yourself, isn't it? But I'm suspicious of books and things, which I reckon they can just do it in one go like that. Also, Mark, it's nice to have a skill, isn't it? Because I got to about 30 and I realised... But it's true, because I realised the only thing I could do was smoke. I got to 30 and it's the only thing I'd mastered the art of.

Really? Yeah. There's nothing else that you... And it's not even fashionable. It's kind of like being a Thatcher or something you know it's a dying art now

I feel very good at fox hunting right at the last minute it's gone I know it's frustrating isn't it yeah that's the thing

it's we've sort of a generation of people that can get away with not actually being able to do anything really so on my blog

I'm doing a blog every day and I'm trying to sort of slightly improve until by the time I'm 40 the idea is I'll be sort of by far the best person around. So what else is in the frame? Well, the main thing is trying to be more optimistic. I'm very, very pessimistic and I think it makes me quite bad to live with.

And also it's quite tiring being a pessimist because you're always sort of bracing yourself for the worst things. So I'm trying to sort of... I think anyone who thinks they're a pessimist is being optimistic. Yeah, that's the thing. It could be just by saying that. It's a sort of massive double bluff. Trying to... I'll drink less.

I'm hoping to drink a bit less by the time I'm 40. Alcohol? Yeah, I'm going to be all right with fluids generally. You're not generally trying to dehydrate. I'm not taking milk out of the equation. No. I assume when people say they're cutting down on drink they mean alcohol they're not just trying to sort of not replenish

fluids well enough I'm looking for a more flaky feel it just takes up too much time drinking because I'm on tour the whole time it's very easy to sort of just get really drunk all the time and again at the moment I can get away with it but I feel that ten years down the line if I'm on tour the whole time, it's very easy to sort of just get really drunk all the time. And again, at the moment I can get away with it, but I feel that ten years down the line,

if I carry on, I could be one of those comedians that are mostly in it for drinking with just a bit of comedy in the middle of it. So I'd like to avoid that. I've just had a baby as well, so there's a slightly more urgency on these things than there would have been. Because I'd like to sort of, when he's ten, I'd like to be sort of a fairly good person. And then there's other things, like trying not to compare myself with other people trying to sort of just cut out this sort of um negative mental habits which have marred my 20s basically yeah i'm i'm all for it i should be um checking out how that goes yeah well i yeah i think it's the sort of thing where um

i think by doing it as a blog and doing it publicly i feel feel like I'll look like more of an idiot if I don't. The thing with resolutions, you've got to try and tell people you're doing it, I think, so they put pressure on you. Yeah, you say that. I watched a programme last night about a bloke who was trying to live without money. Really?

Yeah, and he'd done it for, I think it was a year. I'm not going to go at that. Yeah, just try being a comedian. What would you say, that? Well, yeah, a comedian that hasn't written three lines and in October um

he didn't earn that much no no no I'll tell you still got work I'll tell you when this record's on right okay

it's about about a total of about 80 grand oh sorry absolute radio Mark Watson is in the studio

and Mark you have a gig tomorrow night in london yeah until the tour i'm not doing any gigs in london pretty much apart from tomorrow night i'm doing this gig uh sort of in support of my brother who is called paul in fact and um uh he's basically it's a long story but my brother is the world's youngest international football coach um i know which is a sort of good dinner party like it is is, isn't it? How old is he, your brother? My brother's 25. Oh, lovely.

Basically, we've always both dreamed of being international footballers or football coaches, but it becomes increasingly that we've missed the plane again for the World Cup squad, and you start feeling it's not going to happen, really. So basically, Paul found the world's worst team, or the lowest ranked team in the fifth rank, which is in Micronesia, and asked if he could coach them micronesia yeah which is it sounds like a sort of uh like a made-up place it does doesn't it it's the sort of thing that um what's that tom courtney film billy yeah yeah yeah yeah mythical country it sounds like yeah it definitely sounds like it's where is my cronies well's sort of, it isn't really anywhere, but the closest you can say is if you're sort of,

it's in the Pacific, like if you were in Australia and then you got really lost, you might end up there. Or Papua New Guinea, it's sort of one of those places. It's a tiny island. Tiny set of islands, series of islands. Go to Nisia and look very closely. Okay, exactly. Good tip.

Tiny version. And now he's raised a sort of team how did he get that job he basically found someone over here that um that is from micronesia and by series by a lot of blags it's a bit of a billy liar situation basically he um he got in touch with what was the football association there but they've more or less given up because they haven't got a proper pitch and everyone there is really a beast as well was he a coach here did he have a football background well sort of but he had no qualifications he's just basically like a five-a-side football because they haven't got a proper pitch, and everyone there is really a beast as well. Was he a coach here? Did he have a football background? Well, sort of, but he had no qualifications.

He's just basically like a five-a-side footballer. And now he's an international coach. Now he's an international football coach, and he's officially recognised, and he's now organised this friendly with a team in Guam, but none of his team has ever left the island before. They're all sort of fishermen and stuff like that. So I'm doing this gig tomorrow to raise money for him to take this team to their first ever away international friendly he scrounged kit off teams like off league he wrote to all the teams in the league

so they're wearing like yoval town shirts and stuff like that now oh fantastic yeah i remember there was a former miss guam who tried doing stand-up she She did an open spot. Yeah, I think I've read about that. At the comedy store. And I remember at the end she lifted up her dress and on the back of her pants it said, goodnight, or something like that. I think she thought it was going to be the big finale ending. No, it didn't work

for me when I tried that. You've got to have a bit more than goodnight written on your pants these days. I find that so true. So yeah, he's playing this game. So I'm doing this gig at the Leicester Square Theatre tomorrow, which is called Mark Watson's Football Shambles, because it'll be a little bit about football and basically a lot of just messing about.

And it's raising money for the Micronesians. It's raising money and also awareness for the Micronesians, because a lot of the kids there have got nothing to do, and pretty much everyone there is obese as well. So it's very unlikely. So it's a sort of community venture stroke footballing vanity project. It sounds like the future of the United Kingdom. I think it is, yeah.

In fact, yeah, it's too wet there. The pitches are in a poor condition and there's a lot of overweight... And everybody's fat. It's a little bit like being in the UK, basically. We're not going to raise much money, but just enough to sort of get these people to a friendly in Guam, which they'll surely lose. But it's all about the...

He'll then have managed the team in a sort of proper international friendly, which is impressive. It is the best cause ever. Yeah, I think so. It's better than ill people and all that. Yeah, I mean, because at the end of the day, it's, you know, you're flogging a dead horse with a lot of them.

We're all going to die eventually, but not everyone is going to play Guam. No. Is the way I look at it. I think that should be the tagline. Marta, exactly. So, look, Marta, it's been great having you in. Your tour starts in October. Yeah.

And everyone can go and see you all over the place. And you've got a novel coming out soon as well. Just quickly, what's that called? Oh, it's called Eleven, and it's about a radio presenter, in fact. Yeah. And I'm about to give it to you. I'm going to give you a copy of it. Fantastic.

Well, I look very... The way i said that was quite creepy actually i might do a kind of a book club next week and tell you that'd be absolutely but obviously if i don't like it i'll just i'll just just quietly cross over it yeah when's that out uh august okay and and please write another one of those type christmasy type kid things because the last one was absolutely brilliant now you've asked for it. I'm going to get you to say that and I'll use that as ammunition. Yeah. You're very welcome to that.

Okay, thank you, Mark. Cheers. Absolute Radio. I can't stand up for falling down, Elvis Costello. God, I used to be such a fan of Elvis Costello. What do you say, used to, past tense? I like the early stuff and not so much the late stuff. Oh.

Well, I like the late stuff. I so much the late stuff well I like the late stuff I did it myself I say potato you say potato yeah so I've been doing some research I say potato sorry

I think my favourite Holbein is the portrait of William Wareham the Archbishop of Canterbury oh controversial My favourite Holbein is the portrait of William Wareham, the Archbishop of Canterbury. Oh! Is that a text? Controversial. No, this is just me.

Oh, you've looked that up. Oh, I so wanted that to be a text. That would have been the best text we've ever had. Bill Wareham. Well, there's still time. It's nice, though. Remember we were talking about childhood games? We had a text in from Peter and Judith, which is about Daisy,

who works on our show as the assistant producer. She's in the corner, texting some gentleman friend there. Yeah. It says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Daisy and her sister Rebecca's great game when they were little

was to spend ages in the bath inventing witch's potions with lots of soap, bubble baths and creams and making spells to magic things for people they knew. Peter and Judith. Thanks, Peter and Judith. Chance, is that true, Daisy?

I can't remember. You can't remember? Oh, she's ashamed. Wrong child. Was there any matey? Sorry, I'm joking. Oh, I love matey. Do you remember matey used to clean the bath as well? That was the advert. You can have a bath in this, like,

matey was like child's bubble bath. And then you didn't have the ring around the bath. Who. That was the advert. You can have a bath in this major, it's like child's bubble bath. And then you didn't have the ring around the bath. Who did it do that? And why don't all things do that? Because the one thing that really technology should have dealt with is the ring around the bath. Somebody. Because I find no matter how hard I work

at the ring around the bath, eventually you can still get the shadow. Ring around the bath. That was a nursery rhyme. We used to play ring around the bath. My mum still get the shadow ring around the bath that was the nursery rhyme we used to we used to play ring around the bath my mum just makes a shower with jif oh that's the best way or just get sunny the butler that's how i deal with it much better yeah okay anyway it's it's absolutely remember it's absolute matey weekend. When they're giving away loads of bottles of matey. I wish they were.

No matey's a bottle of fun. And it cleans the bath as well, it used to say at the end. And there was a lady matey. Do you remember her? She had a pink... She was in pink. There was no... They didn't have that in Birmingham. Don't be ridiculous.

Lady matey. Is that some sort of shaver? Gareth was talking about his computer. There was no... They didn't have that in Birmingham. Don't be ridiculous, Lady Matey. Is that some sort of shaver? Gareth was talking about his computer. Although we must hold that, but I like the teaser element. That's the morning! If it still exists, then it doesn't have to be for kids. You're telling me if I use Matey in the bath,

I'd never have to clean the bath again? Well, you might want to experiment. I think I will. Damon has said she was called Mrsrs matey so she did exist they were married thank you very much why would a girl need a different bubble bath because we don't want to get mixed up in your dark blue jones's phone you know i think why not start ben jones's phone and why should why should he get to pick what his phone yeah? Yeah, that's a good idea. So text on 8-12-15 to Ben who's coming up after the news. Why did you need two mateys for boys and for girls?

And also, what bubble bath do you use? Yeah. No, don't expand his phone in. Just stick to matey. He'll run with it. He'll pick it up and run with it. You know what he's like. So you're off out tonight.

Oh, I know. Well, I was, I mean, no, I'm sort of looking forward to it because a friend of mine is involved with the band, so that's why I'm going. But it's the Chemical Brothers, but I'm really worried about one aspect, which is... I used to like that um galvanize chemical alley the uh he was uh is he still with them i think he was executed

yeah one bad record nowadays and you're out it's the absolute 80s weekend we can't talk about executions okay um so listen what i'm worried about is the aspect of standing. That's what I'm not keen on. Where's it at? It's at the Roundhouse. But apparently it is standing. So what do you do? What do you do, like... You know when we went to the fall together, I didn't tell you this,

but I felt like crying, not because of Marky Smith going... But because I had to stand and I was in agony. I had three different pairs of shoes in my bag to change. Of course. But even when I changed... I think most people at four gigs take at least three pairs of shoes. How can you people do it? Often one special built-up one from the doctor.

How can you people do it? How can you stand? I can't enjoy myself when I'm standing. Oh, no. I jump about a lot at four gigs, so I kind of need to do that. I once went to see... I remember when punk was just starting to take off, the Birmingham Odeon thought, oh, this is good,

so they put this package of about four or five bands. I think Pauline Black's Penetration was one of the bands. So it was a proper punk night, but I'd only ever seen punk in little dirty clubs, and suddenly it's in this big cinema, and we sat down you know it was all there was no standing it was so weird i remember in the interval i had an ice cream it's a bonky it just can't be right simply can't be right can i just say we've had about 30 texts

coming in about matey for ben jones so they're all waiting for you, Ben. I'm looking forward to that. I think we've given him a massive ramp into the show today. So Ben will be there after the news and keep those matey and bubble bath texts coming in. You can listen to us on Wednesday, if you like, on Not The Weekend

podcast, which is a completely separate podcast that we do, which is just us three sitting in a room like condemned men talking about what has happened in their life i'm the sort of terry weight figure i think yeah i think you are yeah yeah you want to be careful we don't that um radiator's not switched on one of these days okay anyway it's been, it's been lovely talking to you all. Ben Jones is next. New mateys. I'm on a little phone. And a good day to you.

Bye. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.