The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Nick Hancock

Episode Date: April 25, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth are joined by two very special guests this week; Nick Hancock and the one-and-only Sandy Mason

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

It's the podcast of Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio thingy, with Emily and Gareth, as always, and a special guest today, Sandy Mason, he's here. Hello. How are you doing? Fantastic. In case you're thinking, oh, I don't know who that is, it's my girlfriend's mom.

And I think it's good to have your girlfriend's mom with you sometimes just for security reasons. That's funny. I remember I was once at the beach and I had a funny handshake from a Sandy Mason. Really? How long ago? It was worth you coming in Worth you coming in, first of all, not to get that joke And secondly, so that Gareth could do that joke So you were on the show

Yes Did you have a nice time? I absolutely loved it Because absolutely loved it is a good way of saying it Now, you're a regular listener I am, and watcher Yeah I watch That sounds a bit creepy It's a good way of saying it. Now, you're a regular listener. I am, and watcher. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're a...

I watch. That sounds a bit creepy. We're webcammed, which I always forget when I think of some of the vile gestures that I make on air. So actually seeing it now, and rather than just actually being in the studio, what did you learn, would you say, today? How much is involved, I think it's fascinating.

And the communication between all of you is wonderful. Yeah, that's the microphone. Really happy now. Really happy and wonderful time. Two hours went by like two minutes. Well, what about that for a fact? There isn't enough of these. I'm calling that a listener

recommendation, you see. Whereas usually they just send those emails that say, why are you playing that horrible song? So it's been lovely having you in, Sandra, and now you'll be on this podcast forever. You've been immortalised. You told me it wouldn't be recorded. Oh, this is being recorded. Alright, okay. Don't worry about it. They all say that.

Let's have the podcast. Absolute. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth, who's pointing at his headphones and panicking. Can't you hear me, Gareth? I can. I can hear you perfectly now. I thought you were bluffing.

And we've also got Sandy Mason is in the studio. Yay! Sandy! Now, some of you at home might be thinking, well, I'm pretty au fait on celebrities and stuff. I don't know Sandy Mason. Sandy Mason is my girlfriend's mum. But she's here today.

And she's the first person in the studio that's ever had a round of applause. Yes, because the guests never get one. The guest's proper. That's true. So, welcome, Sandy. Thank you very much, Frank. She's in the distance. We're not giving her a microphone.

You never know old people. They might say something very, very right-wing and get us into trouble. But basically, I've got her today because we can't leave her in on her own. So it's like when people take the dog to work. It's a bit like that. We've got a tray down and a bowl of water.

Everything will be alright. So it's slightly awkward because when Sandy said, can I come into the studio, I thought, oh, that would be lovely. And then just before, because Sandy's staying with us, aren't you at the moment? When I say us, I live with Sandy's daughter.

I'll be completely upfront about it. She knows. And just before we went to bed last night, Sandy's daughter is called Kath and me. I had a big row. Oh, no. Yeah. Are we allowed to ask what about? What happened was that I was on Have I Got News For You last night, right?

Oh, I always row about that. Yes. I was supposed to be logical texting in saying, we have so many Have I Got News For You rows in our house. And anyway, I'd watched it, and Kath came in, she was out, and she said, oh, I got a text from someone about the show, and I got a bit excited, you know, it was a bit of praise. And we all need encouragement.

And she said, yeah, it's from Matt, and he says, I saw Frank on Have never got news for you, loved his outfit. Now, to a comedian, that is like a hard punch in the stomach. Don't you agree, Gareth? You're a comic. Obviously, no one's ever sent a text

that said Saw Gareth loved his outfit. No, that's never happened. I think it's very difficult, whatever people say, like if people say to me, oh, I like that particular piece of material, I think, think oh well what was the wrong with the rest of it well exactly we're a very sensitive lot so we had it wasn't a massive row well it was so was your argument with kathy bearing in mind that she didn't actually write the text i'd like to point

out here was your argument with her that she shouldn't have raised it with you she read it out to you all i said was you know i thought that she shouldn't have raised it with you? She shouldn't have read it out to you? All I said was, you know, I thought that was a little bit insensitive. That was all I said. I said it. I mean, I said it slightly right. Perhaps we should get Sandy in for a new show. No, we don't want to do that.

Why cause more trouble? And then Kath, I don't want to go into it. She really had a go at me for no reason. And so we had a big row. But I feel... Well, I learned a little technique yesterday. I was watching Sky News, right? And do you know that thing about when Frank Lampard phoned into a radio station this week

because a bloke had been criticising him about his relationship? And one of the things that was very unfortunate about this DJ having a go at Frank Lampard was it happened to be the anniversary of Frank Lampard's mom dying, which obviously he's going to be really upset on that day. But he was being interviewed by Kay Burley on Sky News, the DJ, and she said, yes, don't you think it was really insensitive to say on the anniversary of Frank Lampard's mom's death? And he said, yes, don't you think it was really insensitive to say on the anniversary of Frank Lampard's mom's death? And he said, well, of course, he said, but, you know, I don't have that date in my death diary. He said, do you, Kay? And she said, I do, actually.

And I thought, well, you don't, do you? And I thought, what a brilliant technique to just, mid-argument, to just lie so blatantly that the other person is taking her back. Because what was brilliant, she said it with such confidence that the bloke thought, might she actually have that in her desk diary? Unless Heat magazine do diaries now

that, like, you know you have, like, the Saints days printed in the diary, you can get a Heat magazine diary that's just got all the celebrity dates you would ever want in for each day. But this was in Kay Burley's desk diary, so I think she lied. But anyway, I didn't have to lie last night. And of course, we went off and we went to bed and made up and it was all lovely and I just want to make it clear

that everything's fine with me and my girlfriend, who I love very much. However, if any of you have had... When I say any of you, I'm not just talking to Emily and Gareth now and Sandy Mason, I'm talking to the nation. Well, about 17 of them. If any of you have

had an argument about a weird thing, I've just, I don't normally have emails on my screen, but I can see them today. Frank, shut up and play some music is what I've got. My advice to you is listen to your CDs if you don't want to hear the presenter.

I don't want to see the I don't want to see the emails. Unless your CDs are audiobooks of Frank Skinner, in which case you'll also be disappointed. Well, I think if that person's got audiobooks, I want them back. I don't want them listened to by that kind of... No, that sort of negativity early in the show

doesn't help anyone, does it? Just turn it over. Can't you reach the dial? So you can reach your email thing. It's been much easier to just change that. Not that I suggest that for one second you change from Absolute Radio. No, please don't turn over.

Please don't turn over. We apologise. If you want to text in the worst thing you've ever had a row about, or the stupid worst thing you've ever had a row about, or the stupidest thing you've ever had a row about, not the worst thing, but I'm reassured by the fact that apparently in the UK, couples on average have 156 arguments a year. Wow.

That's nothing. You're right, yeah, I was quite pleased. Oh, come on. How long has it been since you were dating? You're right, yeah, I was quite pleased. Oh, come on. Oh. When we... How long has it been since you were dating, Em? Well, the last big argument I can remember that I had with a boyfriend that was really...

I felt that question was evaded. You should have gone to Kay Burley and said, yesterday. I'm going out with someone now. How are you? No, I can remember arguing with a boyfriend once about Brian from Big Brother, which is quite a weird thing to argue about.

I mean, when I say it was proper slamming doors, didn't speak for about a week. Brian Dowling, the Irish guy. From Big Brother. Yeah, OK. Because he hadn't heard of Neil Armstrong. And I just said, well, I don't think that's great, because his argument was, Brian's argument, not my boyfriend at the time, was, well, I wasn't born then.

And I hate people that say that. Yes, I agree with that. Yeah. That's people who've confused the word history with the word memory. Yeah. Yes, I mean, I know who Hitler was. I wasn't born then.

Exactly. That's how much research I've done on that. Yeah. It's about that. If anyone doesn't listen, because... Obviously, if anyone doesn't listen, there's no point in talking to them. If anyone doesn't know who Neil Armstrong is, because they weren't born then, he's the first man on the moon.

Exactly. So I just said, I didn't think that was a very intelligent thing to say, and my then-boyfriend said, Oh, we can't know me as bright as you, because he obviously spoke in that voice. Yeah, OK. Right. And so it was a huge, huge bust up. And all I remember was it ended with me saying you can say anything you like about me, but you

can't call me a snob. To which he said, I can say anything I like about you. Okay, you've got a fat bum. Oh, how did that go down? Well, they still haven't found the body of the... I didn't see him for about a week after that. So, yeah, so there we go. An argument about Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon. I like that. We, um, so there we go, an argument about Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon.

I like that. I think Laura, my wife, she saves up arguments for car journeys. I think she finds it entertaining me getting angry

about something. So she saves up things to argue about on car journeys and things like she once said on a car journey that you only ever

breathe out of one nostril at a time when she says you was that advice? you only ever breathe out of one nostril at a time no oh it's a fact about people a made up fact that's not real

she reckons that human beings only ever breathe out of or in of one nostril at a time it's funny you should say that because when Chris Evans had that TV chat show on... That was a Freudian slip. On Sunday nights, I remember he had Billy Piper as his first guest, and he suddenly said,

tell us one interesting fact, and that was what she said. So your wife, in fact, was ripping off Billy Piper. Absolute. We're asking people to text in and tell us what the stupidest thing is they've ever argued about. So far, Emily's winning in that she had an argument about Neil Armstrong,

the first man on the moon. You're probably not the first, but I imagine that Boz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, I bet on some occasion he said to some woman, am I the first? And she said, no, no, that was Neil Armstrong, and he's absolutely blown off

and gone crazy. So, did I stop you with Prince mid-anecdote? Or was the nostril, was that the story? No, that was just, it was just that Laura, I think, just makes up... This was an example of her deliberately trying to start an argument by saying you breathe

through one nostril, you're touchy. She doesn't really get annoyed by it because it's so clearly not true but I get annoyed and she enjoys winding me up. But why do you get annoyed by that? It's an interesting piece of information about the human. It's not true though. There is no way that you only breathe through one nostril at a time

and there's no way to prove that in a car. That's the problem about that. Unless you lie like Kay Burley. Yes. I look in my diary. It says in my diary, definitely breathe through nostrils at the same time. Yeah, well, of course, there's Joe Cole who doesn't breathe through his nostrils at all.

The Chelsea footballer just seems to breathe through his mouth. But he might have had an injury from heading the ball slightly off kilter. We've had a couple of emails already. They're food-related so far. Are they people saying, shut up and just play music and don't make it a radio show?

On topic, on topic. Karen from Newbury, my boyfriend and I had our first row after six months together over stuffing the turkey cavity at Xmas. Whole family got involved

and took sides. Sides of the cavity. I'll have the heart section. Involved in the argument. Oh, I really want to know more about that. I do. What was the disagreement, Kate, from Newbury? Sounds quite shameless.

I like the sound of that. I imagine it was kind of saying it's an onion and someone said, oh, can I not have any onion in my stuffing? And it was a long, elaborate thing with tweezers. That's how I'm seeing it going. Debbie, I had a row with my husband about an omelette. I said his was

scrambled egg in a pan, not a proper one. This row went on for hours till I looked up in a cookbook. We were both right. His was an omelette and I made a Spanish one which was more fluffy. I always think it's a good argument if you have to look something up. That's great.

The internet has solved a lot of arguments, I think. The fact that we have a lot of facts at our fingertips nowadays. Yeah, but you'll be interested to know, Gareth, that not everyone's arguments are about facts, strange facts. They're about things that have happened to them personally. You're quite unusual in that you'd argue about whether one braids through nostrils or not.

Oh, no, I often do that in arguments. Look up, you know, that AQA thing, that number you can text and it will give you the answer to everything and anything. Yes. There's many a time I stood there going, let's just find out, shall we? And then I text the number and you wait, there's the terrible wait while the answer comes through. I had a big row with a woman once and I said to her,

I said, you know, our problem is we've only got one thing in common, me and you. We both are in love with you. And then she came to come back at that and I said, no, hold on a minute, that was a good line. I actually stopped the argument to savour that point. I was doing a review of my own argument. Oh, dear. So, yes, so apparently, according to the internet, I'm going to be in the new Carry On film,

which is called Carry On Bananas. Really? Yeah, well, no, I'm not. Oh. But I'm very happy for that lie to be out there. You know, people say, oh, I read something about me in the paper, it wasn't true. That does happen, but sometimes they're quite good lies,

which I'm happy to let go. Like, I went to the premiere of Yes Man, the Jim Carrey movie, and in the star the next day, it said that Jim Carrey had come over to me and said, I'm a massive fan of yours, I'd like to go out partying. Well, I've never met or spoken to Jim Carrey in any way, but obviously I wasn't going to say, how dare you suggest that Jim Carrey is a big fan of mine. I'm also laughing at the idea of you going out partying.

Yeah, I imagine. I'm also laughing at the idea of you going out partying. Yeah, I imagine. I don't actually drink. I don't know if he does that. He probably doesn't, does he, Jim Carrey? No, I suspect he's quite a good drinker. It'd probably be quite a dull night out with Jim Carrey in some ways. But obviously, give me someone to talk about on here. Absolute.

We're asking people to text in. The first time we've really done any texting, and we're not very good at this, we're still learning how to do a radio show and we want to know the stupidest thing you've ever had a row about. That's what we're asking people to text in. The first time we've really done any texting, and we're not very good at this. We're still learning how to do a radio show, and we want to know the stupidest thing you've ever had a row about. That's what we're asking. We've got a jingle, by the way. Can you believe it? Have we?

Yeah. This is our first ever jingle on the show. Hold on, see what you think. Saturday morning! Is that a carrot? That was what Gareth shouted last week, and I thought, it just sounds like the kind of thing... You can imagine someone saying,

let's put the television on, we need something to read. Not the television, the radio. Don't put the television on. It's obsolete. Put the radio on and say, well, let's really get cheered up, and they hear... That's the morning! That will do it for me. Do we have any emails, Gareth?

Yes, Ed Bowden said, I want to split up with a girl after a row over mince pies. I love mince pies and I was trying to make her eat one at Christmas. She was a vegetarian and I told her mince meat was suitable for veggies, although I may have said tree huggers,

as it is fruit and nuts. She was adamant it was meat. Why would it be called mince meat, was her argument. That's a good point. When I marched her down to Sainsbury's to read the label on the jar of the stuff. I just say marched her down to Sainsbury's because it gives me a lot of insight into the relationship.

When I marched her down to Sainsbury's to read the label. Was this during the Second World War? In Germany, this happened. Go on, carry on. When I marched her down to Sains the neighbors to read the label on the jar of the stuff to prove it wasn't some kind of shepherd's pie, I knew the

relationship was doomed. It's when marching starts that things go wrong. Do you know what's an interesting insight, though? We've asked for argument things. We've had three so far. Two of them were about Christmas food. Christmas-themed food. Stuff in turkeys and mince pies.

It suggests that Christmas is a very tense... Yeah, there's a lot of tension at Christmas, and it all gets sort of imposed onto the food. That's what you think it is, I see. It's projection. I hate mince pies, and you never loved me! I think you're right. This is great, from Matt M. from Wakefield.

Me and my best mate had a huge argument in the pub. Oh, no, that's... Sorry, that's the wrong one. OK. That's hopeless. Was that the whole email? I can't say it's hopeless. They've been good enough to...

No, I can't read that one out. Well, don't read it out. No, no, I won't. I'm happy we had an argument in a pub. I think that's quite... That's a better anecdote than I've heard on some radio stations. There are some shows that would kill for that. Luke and Dudley. That would be the trailer on some shows that would kill for that. Luke and Dudley.

That would be the trailer on some shows. Not here, obviously, but on other rival radio stations. Dear Frank, as a child I had an argument with my best friend about who was more like the Beano character Roger the Dodger. One of us ended up in

tears. Safe to say I won that one, Luke and Dudley. That's a beautiful story. How could you hope to actually prove that, though? I don't know. I just like the fact that Roger the Dodger summed up all they wanted to be as people, as children, and was so passionate about that they were the one who was more like him. I wish it had ended, needless to say,

I want R.T. Dodger. Dudley. Dodger. Godly. Absolute. I was apparently very well turned out, as I was saying on Have I Got News For You last night. And I'm not the only person to have a makeover this week. Susan Boyle, we have to say this, because if you do a radio show and don't mention Susan Boyle, apparently you have to be off the air for three weeks. Yeah, off come. we'll get in touch

but she's had, have you seen her makeover? I have, I've got it in the paper in front of me yeah, but how could anyone have possibly known that if I hadn't asked you in that professional way no, it's true, she looks what do you, I think she still looks like Susan Boyle, which is

I think she looks a bit like, if Sharon Osbourne hadn't had plastic surgery, I think that's what she would look like. I think she looks quite sort of off-duty WPC. Yeah. As the new look. But, you know, I was a bit worried about this, Frank, because the whole makeover, she's got a lot of Primark.

Yeah. And I did actually spot the top she was wearing when I was shopping with your girlfriend. And I debated over whether to buy it and I have to say now I've seen Susan Boyle wearing it. That would be brilliant. You're kicking yourself aren't you? She looks kind of like a cross between Harry Potter

and Rupert the Bear in the nicest possible way. That was very very popular and successful. What she's done is thought who's really popular? Nicky Clark's styling her isn't he? Is that right? Yes, who's really popular? Nicky Clark's styling her, isn't he? Is that right? Yes, he's going to do her hair.

Is he part of Team Susan, as I think it's called now? She's got a minder called Frankie as well, apparently. Well, I once went to Inverness for the premiere of a film called Loch Ness with Ted Danson, if you remember that movie. And we had a celebrity parade through the town, which is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done in my life. And it was like me, David Baddiel, Nicky Clark,

Coo Star. Oh, my God. Meaning. Was Ted Danson there? He was there, yeah. Annika Rice as well. I didn't know I was going to be a part of it. The mayor led us through the town and people waved um flags of celebrity land and one bloke um

shouted at nikki clark and one bloke with like really short cropped hair very rough looking bloke pointing at his um his crop and said uh can you do anything with us Nicky and everybody laughed about it and that night we were at the do afterwards and we were talking about this and somebody said that was very funny Nicky when that guy said can you do anything with this and pointed at his crop and he went yeah and his

wife who I think he was having I think the marriage failed after his wife said yeah and what did you say Nicky nothing oh dear The marriage failed after. His wife said, yeah. And what did you say, Nicky? Nothing. And it was like, oh, oh dear. Arguments that clearly aren't about what they're about. And continuing the arguments involving Nicky Clark theme,

I went out with another woman who I had an argument with, and she was quite upset. We sort of split up for a bit. And she went to get her hair done at Nicky Clark's, and Nicky Clark came in and said, oh, hi, how's Frank? And she burst into tears. And I don't know if Nicky Clark is that often confronted with raw emotion in the shop. He sort of panicked, went out of the shop and came, went out of the room and came back in with a glass of champagne.

Which is a very Nicky Clark way of dealing with a crisis. He then wheeled in a jacuzzi. Absolute. I didn't want that song to stop. I just didn't want it to stop. That was Bob Dylan, Subterranean Homesick Blues. I'm going to see Bob Dylan at the O2 tonight. Oh, cool.

I'm going on the back of Adrian Child's motorbike. Wow. Yeah, exactly. I said to him, I said it'll be back of Adrian Child's motorbike. Wow. Yeah, exactly. I said to him, I said it'll be like that Che Guevara film, and he texted back, it'll be more like Wallace and Gromit. That sounds like a line from a Bob Dylan song, and I was on the back of Adrian Child's motorbike. It's like one of those weird jokes.

It will at some point, maybe in England Court, but it's quite exciting. And for those of you who don't like to hear the West Midlands accent on television and radio, it could be a fantastic night. If it's wet conditions. OK, so, yes, Gareth. It's lovely, Sandy, being here. It's nice to finally meet you.

Because I had a gig in Cheltenham this week and after I'd been on I got a text from Frank saying my girlfriend's mum is in the audience. Don't look over there because we can't hear you. Sorry. Microphone technique. It's everything in this job deal. Just sit with your back to

Sandy. She doesn't mind. Okay. Yeah so I said I actually said she's lovely go and speak to Sandy. She doesn't mind. Yeah, so I said, I actually said, she's lovely, go and speak to her. You obviously saw her and thought better of it. I had seen someone outside pointing at the poster and pointing at

my name and I thought, well, that's very odd because no one has come to this show to see me. And was that you, Sandy? No, it wasn't me. It wasn't? Oh, were you there with other people yes i think that was probably so that was someone who didn't go in they would say let's go to the oh hold on oh i think i assumed they were going to come back later but no that makes sense now they did just walk oh can i point out that that um gareth always is very kind of modest about it. He's actually a very, very, very funny stand-up comedian.

But as always with stand-up comedy, the jokes about gigs that don't go that well are better than the jokes about... It wasn't a good... What did you think? What did you think, Sandy? It was a very good gig, but the sound was appalling. You see, that means it wasn't very good, doesn't it, Fred? In case you didn't hear that, Sandy said it was a good gig, but the sound was appalling.

That might have been a mixed blessing. I just remind you all, by the way, doesn't it, Fred? In case you didn't hear that, Sandy said it was a good gig, but the sound was appalling. That might have been a mixed blessing. I just remind you all, by the way, that Sandy Mason, in case you think we've kidnapped somebody as some sort of charity ruse, is Sandy Mason is my girlfriend's mum. She's kind of your mother-in-law, really. I call her my mother-in-law, but it's not official. And can I make it clear that in the cause of my death,

she wouldn't automatically get any money. OK? We have got a chain to the radiator, though. That's why she can't come to the microphone. You don't want them wandering off. You know what they're like. You never know where they're going to be. Oh, God, I don't want to be scouring the town

saying I've just seen a very, very attractive elderly woman. Well, I won't say that, obviously. I think I'm just out looking for one at random. So you didn't speak to Sandy? No, I didn't. I didn't know who she was. And I couldn't go around asking, because that looks bad if you've been on and then you're going around the audience. Well, see, I thought Sandy...

Hello, sorry, I was just on. I'd also been in contact with Sandy, and I thought she was going to approach you. I didn't expect you to know who she was. That would have been an odd thing. You know, I'm sorry. I've got to hold on to your hats, because I'm going to play a fall track, which is tied in with a news story this week.

There was a story about the Nazis developed these cattle with long horns, and they're now being imported to Britain. And finally, after all these years, I finally worked out what this fall song coming up is about, I think. This is the fall, Who Makes the Nazis? Who makes the Nazis? Who makes the Nazis?

Absolute. Who makes the Nazis? Absolute. Oh, I'm so happy I've actually played the fall Who Makes the Nazis at, sort of, was it five to nine on a Saturday morning? I feel I've changed the world. That's extraordinary, that song. There will never be another song as topical on a radio show. That story about the Nazi cattle only broke this week in the newspapers, and that song's been about three ages.

That song can't be about anything else. No, it's about the Nazi developing cattle. Are the only lines in it, who made the Nazis? Who makes the Nazis. Who makes the Nazis, and longhorn breeze. Well, there's other lines But I'd say they dominate Yes

And someone smashed A milk bottle There's glass smashing There's a kazoo At one point There is a kazoo At the end And there's cow noises

As well And then someone Just drops something We're going to set up A listener support helpline For people who are disturbed By the four songs That Frank plays

During the show Yes So people can get Some counselling and, you know, if anything. I think there'll be a lot of people who should go to Camden in North London tonight and see the fall. They're doing the Camden Crawl and you'll find that it's a beautiful thing. Absolute. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. And we've got Nick Hancock coming in. He's our guest today.

Oh, brilliant. Oh, that's good. I like him. Oh, he's a very funny man. And a very dear friend of mine, might I add. Now, speaking of dear friends of the show, those of you who listen regularly will know that Emily's niece, Mimi, occasionally sends us advice. She does.

She has some comments on certain bands we've played and stuff like that. This week, we've got, well, I can only describe as what should be a whiteboard that we have up

with all sorts of hints. She's a full-on mood board she's done for us. How old is Mimi? She's eight, Mimi. I hope that's right. I'm in terrible trouble if it's not,

but I think she's eight. She's done Mimi's ideas about the radio show. Okay. And she's done a picture of you, Frank, where you look a little bit like Adolf Hitler with a little tash. Yeah. And she's done Mimi's ideas about the radio show. OK. And she's done a picture of you, Frank, where you look a little bit like Adolf Hitler, with a little tash.

Yeah. And she's done Gareth as well. I don't have a problem with that. That's just because... I think she has a sense of despotic control. Yeah. She's called you Radio Man Frank. Oh, OK.

I'm liking it. Yeah. And she's done a list. So she's said she's suggested guests, and the suggested guests for the show are Zac Efron. Mm-hm. Yeah. And she's done a list. So she's suggested guests, and the suggested guests for the show are Zac Efron, Will Young, Mika, quite a camp family we are. Yeah, that sounds like it. Children of an actress. And Dick and Dom and Obama and kids.

Obama's a kid. He comes in a bit left field. The President of the United... It's all these children's icons. I once discovered that I saw a picture of myself upside down, and my mouth upside down looks exactly like Will Young's mouth. Isn't that brilliant? The right way up. Yeah, it is.

If ever I needed to do an impression of him, like look into a letterbox, if I hung upside down, I could pretend. I could convince, I think, quite a close friend of Will Young that it was him. I'd have to adopt a slight lisp. But I could do that, I think. Yeah, any other advice?

Yeah, we've got music, the Saturdays, the Sugar Babes and JLS. OK. Nice to know JLS are still hanging on in there. Yeah, exactly. And we've also got subjects, where she's called it talking. Yeah, well, that's what I call it. I don't know what you call it. Talking, she suggested moving schools.

Moving schools as a topic. That is a good one. I move schools quite a lot. Do you? Well, no. Well, you have the police comm down there. Oh, God. Moving schools is a great topic,

and one, strangely enough, we've never thought about. No. And it is, it affects quite... I don't know, when I moved, I had to move... When I was eight, my dad said, you have to go to a Catholic school now, because I'm worried you're being contaminated by Anglicanism. So I went to a Catholic school,

because I didn't know anyone there, and everyone spoke in Latin, which was another problem. And it used to be quite traumatic. And then I had to go to a different senior school. So I constantly moved to places where I knew no one. Whereas now I think kids go all the way through with the same mates, don't they?

I moved around quite a bit, and I did... And I got to the point where I quite liked it, and I would try to sort of recreate myself in the new school. Well that's the great thing of course about a new start, you can be a different kind of rebrand. It's like being a spy, I love it. Well if only,

I remember on the Generation game when one week Bruce Forsyth was suddenly wearing a toupee that he hadn't worn before and I thought this is no good. Don't pretend we haven't noticed before. And if he'd moved to a new school instead of that, then you could do things

like that. What kind of new people did you try to be? Well, I tried to just up my position in the social standing every time I moved. So try to kind of hang around with the cool kids and be like, yeah, I'm one of you. This is who I would have hung out with in my last school. But eventually I was

kind of outed and it just didn't work. Yes, I think that's always good. At the end of the day, things will find their lateral level. And that's as it should be. I think that's right. Absolute. Alright, that was John Otway and Wobbly Barrett.

Really free. I remember seeing it, they did that onway and Wild Willie Barrett, Really Free. I remember seeing it, they did that on, we just played that song, and this is for people on the podcast, you see, because they won't have heard the music, so we just played Wild Willie Barrett and John Otway doing Really Free. I saw them do that on the old Grey Whistle Test, and John Otway used to run around a lot, and he kicked the lead out of Wild Willie Barrett's electric guitar

so that when it went to the solo, he just said... ..which isn't great. And apparently Wild Willie Barrett physically chased him out of the studio after swinging the guitar at his head, which is brilliant. Nick Hancock is in the house. We don't... We're not a whooping show. There's only one person ever got a whoop on here, and that's Sandy Mason in the house. We don't, we're not a whooping show. There's only one person ever got a whoop on here

and that's Sandy Mason in the corner. And she's my girlfriend's mum. She's very whoopable. Oh, she is, yeah. Very whippable. That's what it says here. But maybe that's a misprint.

It should be whoopable. So, did you actually, I'll tell you what's great is that Nick arrived and said, oh, I love this song. Oh, I do love that. People don't normally like my choice of songs on the show. We're of an age, I think that probably is.

I guess that is true. So you were just telling me how they split up. Oh, no, they split up in 1978. It's a great thing that... This is John Otway and Wally Dowd. Yeah, they were touring and it was during the 1978 World Cup and John Otway kept, just before a gig, going, I'm not going to do this gig because Holland are playing Italy.

And he missed like 18 gigs. I forgot there's a game on. And obviously it cost them millions and millions of pounds so they split up after that. I saw them, they did a festival and there was all scaffolding around the stage and John Otway started climbing on the scaffolding

quite spectacularly high stuff holding up all the sound system. And he got on this one sort of parallel bar, and he swung from it, and he then realised he couldn't move. He was stuck. So he was there as long as his arms held his weight, and then he dropped about... He would have dropped about, like, 80 feet.

So they had to get all roadies out to rescue him. It's a fabulously dramatic thing. Oh, I don't know if you get bands like that anymore. So, Nick, it's very good to have you on. It's lovely to be here. I haven't seen you since the West Brom-Stoke game about two weeks ago. No.

You're safe now. We're just about safe. Stoke are just about safe, yeah. A couple more points. If anyone is not interested in football, we're not going to talk about football at length. You're not safe, though, Frank, are you? We're not safe.

We are doomed, actually, I would say. We're not mathematically gone, but all... I love all that portentous language that you use about football. It's really heavy-duty words for what is basically a pretty trivial pursuit, even though quite important to us. Yeah. Well, I'm not that bothered about really. I don't. I quite like the championship.

I'd rather win every week than lose every week. And it's easier to park. Yeah. But I love the way they... It's easier to get a pie as well. Yeah, everything's easier about that. Especially the games. It's absolutely true. We go up to the premiership and you get in and the grounds full and everyone says, isn't it fantastic?

You just think, no, who are all these people? Exactly. Where have they turned up from with their new scarves? Well, I used to feel like that. When I was an alcoholic at Christmas time, when the pub was packed, I'd think, where were you at 5.30 on a Tuesday evening when I was in here getting drunk? My mate won't go out on New Year's Eve because he calls it Amateur's Night.

I totally agree with that. So, it's the... Are you plugging something, Nick? I'm not sure. No, I'm good. Even if I had something to plug, I wouldn't plug it. Would I be right in saying

that you're doing this show because Stoke are playing at Fulham? Yes, yes. You're in London. We've had a boys' trip, and when I say boys' trip, it literally is a boys trip I was out last night with a 12 year old

a 5 year old and an 8 year old Where were you out? We went to Chinatown You should have gone to Titown It's time I said boys Chinatown and then LazyTown Wow that's fabulous Before we delve into Nick's mind,

we're going to have some travel. I should warn you about that. This is quite long. Are you supposed to say that on the radio? Oh, I don't know. Absolute. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and with Gareth

and most importantly with Nick Hancock. Most importantly. Yes, indeed. I've got to say just listen to the trouble just then. There's something I always feel guilty about. If you're listening to the trouble, I don't know whether you do this or whether it's just me in that comedic way, but if you hear an accident and no matter how

appalling, how terrible it sounds and how potentially worrying it is, if it is near you, you can't help but thinking, that's near where I live. Oh, I've got an auntie that lives there. And it would feel guilty about that. I think that with all news items.

If someone has been shot or something, I always have a look and think, oh, they're not too close. It's a sense of protecting my own... In case there's a ricochet. Exactly. We're doing a thing, I don't know if you missed this, we're doing a thing about don't know if you missed this we're doing a thing about the most ridiculous reasons for arguments so people are

texting in Josh myself and my housemate regularly have heated debates the most recent was an argument about noughts and crosses in which we were both arguing the same point but wouldn't accept the other was correct and didn't listen what was the same point though wouldn't accept the other was correct and didn't listen.

What was the same point, though? We need to know that. How many arguments are there you can have about Norton? I want to be crosses. That's the answer. Other than that, I can't think of any, really. Who goes first? Oh, yeah, that's... Is it crosses always start or Norton always start?

There's always that. Somebody told me that he was an air steward and, yeah, he still writes. told me that he was an air steward. And he still writes. And he said he was on a plane. And David Beckham and Victoria were on it. And they said, do you have any paper and a pen? You know what's coming, don't you?

And when he went after to where they'd been sitting, there was a whole pile covered in noughts and crosses of paper, which is fantastic. Some of them won as well. You know, it's always drawn. There were some victories. Unfortunately, he didn't know who won. Somehow someone managed to outflank David Beckham at noughts and crosses.

David was our big crosses because that's how I signed my name. Very good. And he's famous for crosses as well, so I should imagine. Whereas she's famous for nought. But the other thing, there is a further detail to this, that some of the other paper had got tattoo designs being experimented with. It was the most David Beckham and Victoria pile of paper of all time.

Have you ever had any odd arguments? I'm sure you have. I've had lots and lots of odd arguments. I always like arguments that you don't know what it's about but they're sort of spectacular. I went to a wedding the most fantastic place to go to a wedding at Scunthorpe Polish Working Men's Club, which in itself

was a wonderful place. There was a DJ on the stage, classic DJ on the stage, Dave Doubledex type bloke, and this guy came careering onto the stage and you heard the needle go across the record and he wrestled the microphone from the DJ and he said, Who's upset our putt?

I would love a book to be called Who's Upset Our Putt? It wasn't Frank Lampard, was it? Oh, dear. Just one other wedding that I love. I've told David this story as well, but it was in the Stoke paper. And there used to be fantastic weddings, and there were always fights at weddings. But this one was just so spectacular.

And always the headline was, Fight at Wedding. And it ended up with, the groom needed 18 stitches. The bride's father broke his femur. And it said 27 other guests also needed attention for minor injuries. And then the final sentence, the bride wore peach and the honeymoon is to be in Tunisia. We'd better put that in because that was already written before. It might not have been a fight. It could have been a conga pilot.

Oh, that's near where I live. What, conga? Yeah. I had my hair cut at the show last week, Nick. It looks really good, by the way. Thank you very much. It was cut by Emily's stylist. That's why I think it looks good.

Nick, you're a bloke. I imagine Gus for a five quid haircut. I do, I do go for a five quid haircut. If anything, just as a point of principle. Yeah, actually. But mine is going to be... Jo Russell on the next show actually gathered... Because obviously I was in it and then Jo came in

and there was a lot of my hair about, so she's gathered it up and it's going to be, I think, a competition prize, which I'm slightly worried about. Yes, that's a bit creepy, isn't it? Yes, and apparently we have quite a hardcore following of voodoo-oriented listeners. I was going to say, people can make bad magic with your hair, you know that. Well, a woman once told me, she took my fingernails out of an ashtray where I'd left them, as you do. And she said, I've got your fingernails and now I can make you love me forever with a spell. Really?

Yeah. I was in Timbuktu with Comet Relief once and I was cutting my nails outside the car waiting for something and a bloke ran across really, really excited and was very frightened and told me to put my nails in my pocket because people could make bad magic with them. How come everybody's got nail stories? I don't have any. Well, you don't cut your fingernails, do you, presumably? Stories about them being varnished.

They're not quite so sinister. I've got manicure stories, loads of them. Well, who hasn't? Goodness sake. Absolute. It is all too beautiful That's small faces Actually it's not too beautiful It's very beautiful in here because Nick Hancock is our guest today

And I love him I love you too I love our producer less Because our producer Paul Confessed And honestly I was genuinely upset about this That he was in Peru on holiday And what did you do for him?

You kicked a piece off a sacred monument and took it home as a souvenir. How big a piece are we talking about? A golf ball. A golf ball. You kicked a golf ball off a sacred monument. Yes, it's a very it's a Bing Crosby monument.

I've got a bit of the Shroud of Turin. I always say if you're going to go to a museum, take a bit of the Shroud of Turin. I always say, if you're going to go to a museum, take a pair of scissors with you. You know, don't take too much so people notice. It's just a hand. No one would miss it. Yeah, oh, the

Shroud. There's always a lot of fuss about it. When I was a student, all my sheets looked like that. But you do collect memorabilia. Yeah, well, I did. I feel rather idiotic now, because once you sort of grow up and have kids and realise the money could be spent on something better

and you never look at these things, it seems a bit daft. But they're nice things to have and to say that you have. Yeah. Is it true you've got Stanley Matthews' FA Cup winning medal? I have got Stanley Matthews' FA Cup winning medal. I mean, that must be. for those of you who aren't interested in football, that is like the FA Cup final that is the

most iconic. This guy was about 73 and it was his last chance of ever winning an FA Cup medal and he played a complete blinder and won it for Blackpool. And you've got that medal. I've got that medal. I think, you know, subliminally thinking back on it, I think the reason I've got all these England caps and things like that was

because when he's to do, they think it's all over. Gary and David always used to slag me off and say, how many England caps have you got? I've got five, actually. Thanks, Gary. I think you're fine. Spanning a 50-year period. Did you stop at the hairdressers and buy some

trophies and medals? Yeah, and have my name badly spelt on them. So you've got England... Who's England caps have you got? Neil Franklin, who you probably won't know. Yeah, he was a Stoke centre-half, wasn't he? Yeah, he went to Columbia. Beautiful, lustrous black hair comes straight back. Well, they all had beautiful, lustrous black hair

because of black and white photos, didn't they? Of course, yeah. For all I know, it could have been purple. It could have been a pomp, Neil Franklin. And I've got a Sally Matthews and I've got a Gordon Manx cap. Do you go to auctions to get all these? You don't get them off eBay, do you? I'm sure you probably could get them off eBay.

No, this is many years ago in my... But they'd be tweed, wouldn't they? They'd be tweed with an England sticker on the front. That's the worry, if you get them off eBay. Yeah, gingham. However, if you see my hair on eBay, it will be the real thing. Can I point that out? I've got a FA Cup winner's medal from 1888, won by a West Brom player.

And I've got a loser's medal from 1935, won by a West Brom player. And I've got a 1920 league winner's fob watch, because they didn't have medals then. Yeah. So it's actually a working watch from 1920. This isn't very interesting, unless, of course, you're a burglar. And you've worked out that I'm not at home at the moment. But I'm sure my girlfriend will fight them off. You're not down to London to run in the marathon, I'm guessing.

No, I'm not down to London to run the marathon. But I've got a vague link to the marathon in that I've been helping Tony Pulis, who's the set manager, who is running in the marathon, raise some money for a hospice that he's running for. Right, but you haven't been training him? No, of course not. Yeah, I loved an image of you standing at one end of a park waving a rag and Tony Pulis running at it. Yeah, I'd be like that bloke on the little motorbike

in Run Fat Boy Run alongside him I think yeah and those Michael Owen adverts that were on during the European Championships

of a bloke training Michael Owen obviously trained him in a very bad way he's been injured basically ever since do you ever exercise

or run or do anything like that though maybe no I haven't I used to play I used to play... I wasn't chatting, you are. Well, not very successfully, anyway.

I used to play a lot of sport, but I haven't done for about 15 years. Sorry, is this a job interview? We're looking for a runner. And I thought if we told you beforehand, you'd get nervous and self-conscious we wouldn't get the best out of you I've got dab on now

you see that's what we do on this show we talk about stuff I feel we should talk you've just finished I like the idea of plugging something retrospectively

you've just finished a cookery show yeah I've just finished a cookery show I actually finished yesterday was the final

and the funny thing about it was there was like 30 shows and we were working all the way through it and it was sort of evolving as it went along you should say what it thing about it was there was like 30 shows and we were working all the way through it and it was sort of evolving as it went along we should say what it's called

it was called Taste the Nation which means it was ill conceived really but no it was great fun it was great fun it was great fun

they kept saying all the way through you've got to wait for the final we're going to have two celebrity guests to judge it you've got to wait

we're not going to tell you who it is we're not going to building it up sorry building it up building it up building it up and then the day before the final they said well we're going to tell you who it is we're not going to building it up sorry building it up building it up building it up and then the day before the final

they said well we're going to tell you who we've got in to judge the final are you ready for this Ingrid Tarrant and Eddie the Eagle Edwards now come on

could you get a better combo than that oh no I don't know if you should be saying this about your own show. And who was Eddie looking? There was a reason for it, but anyway. Now, who was Eddie looking? Because we talked on the show the other week

that Eddie's had plastic surgery to make him... To reduce the size of his chin. Well, we tied with the idea he'd actually meant to make him into an eagle. That he's had talons fitted and all that. Very Ziggy Stardust. He's going to feature on Britain's Got Talons. And she's going to be on Britain's Got Tarrant.

Oh, my God, I've gone off into pun heaven. So was it fun to do, though, Nick? It was quite good fun, actually, yeah. And did you get to eat the... No, because all the cameramen, they're all there, every single cameraman and all the sound people, they're all there with forks in their pockets waiting for you. They're honest,amen, they're all there. Every single cameraman and all the sound people, they're all there with forks in their pockets waiting for them. Honestly, genuinely, they're straight in.

It's incredible. Gannets they are. Forks hanging on their belts like it's a tool. Absolute. Nick Hancock is with us on the Frank... It's not really called The Frank Skinner Show. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, I think it's always called. And also Sandy Mason is in the room.

Yay! It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And also Sandy Mason is in the room. In case you don't know, Sandy Mason is my girlfriend's mum. And it's always good to be nice to your girlfriend's mum. I think that can pay off in the long run. I find that now when we have rows that Sandy tends to take my side because she's staying in my flat and if push comes to shove, they both have to go. I think you may have burned a few boats there i actually live on a boat so um i have to say i mean i love doing this show but this morning i'll be in a way i'll be glad

because i i saw uh sir steve redgrave on the telly the other day, and he's promoting drinking two litres of water a day. It's supposed to be really good for you to do that. He said, because your brain is 75% water or something. And so I thought, well, I'll drink that. But it's a bit of a strain on the bladder, I've got to tell you. I should have seen that coming in many ways. Yes. So I'm constantly...

What spoiled it for me, Steve went on about water and how marvellous it is and how we should drink more. And then he said something along the lines of, I've developed a sports drink that in a way is better than water. I'm not going to say what it was, it'll be a plug in it. But yeah, that's what he said. So then he started talking about electrolytes

and stuff like that, which you probably don't get. That's like, you remember those albums, the best punk album in the world ever? Yeah. And then they brought out another one, which was the best punk album in the world ever, too. Which, to be honest, is the second best punk album in the world ever. But not the best promo.

No, well, I got respect for Steve Redgrave, obviously. Although I was on a Michael Parkinson show with Steve Redgrave once. You know when the guest sits next to you and he was talking about winning all those gold medals and I said, the thing is with rowing, it's the kind of thing I want to discover later on CFAX rather than actually watch.

And I got booed by the crowd. By Steve Redgrave? Well, no, Steve Redgrave said something like, well, I don't watch you very often. Oh, it was a tense moment, evidently. It was a tense moment. But, you know, I stuck my oar in. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, everyone.

But it's Steve Redgrave. We'll never mention him again on this show unless he's involved in a major scandal, which I doubt. But isn't it, this water thing actually does interest me because, isn't it true, people were saying you have to take in this much water in a day, but everything you eat is 95% water. I that counts for something doesn't it well i eat mainly dried fish do you cuttlefish i eat there'll be a sort of genetic memory of water albeit salt water

i eat dried freshwater fish. Thanks for that. They're in a keep net. It's salt. No, you're right. Well, someone was, I was talking, I went to a thing the other day and I kept saying, have you got some water and where's your toilet? And she said to me, you all right?

And I told her about this thing. And she said, oh, well, you don't need to do that. You only need like an egg cup a day to supplement the water that's in the food, which can't be, that can't be true, can it? An egg cup a day of water. I mean, what kind of a health drive would that be? So, Steve, what do you want to promote? Well, I want everyone to drink an egg cup of water a day. Rubbish.

And also, in that sort of intelligent design thing, you would have thought God would have been thinking about egg cups that early on, would you, if that was what you needed to take in? Well, I don't know. What came first, the human being or the egg cup? That's true. It's a time-honoured philosophical debate. Well, I do notice it's the marathon tomorrow, of course, and they get a lot of water down them.

They do. I did a 10k run once, and the bloke standing next to me before we set off, he ate three Mars bars. I mean, I'd never seen anyone eat three Mars bars out of the context of a competition before. And I said, whoa, and he said, that's what you've got to do, you've got to really build your carbs up.

And I thought, oh, God, I haven't got any Mars bars. And I thought, I'm going to be like that cuttlefish I've got at home when I finish. And about, I'd say about ten minutes later, I saw him throwing up at the side of the road. What I love about that story is how fantastically suggestible you are. A poke each three Mars bars, and you're thinking, I've got no Mars bars!

But I am like that, though, because in that context, I felt like these are proper runners. Yeah, you presume everybody knows a little bit more than you. Exactly. I mean, when you came in here today, you probably saw me sitting at this desk and thought, oh, you know, Frank knows all about the art of radio. You were very, very wrong.

You were a big England fan, of course. We've met at many football games and cricket games, in fact. What's your feeling on the St George's Day thing, Nick? Because that's quite... I don't know. I think, again, being of a certain age and having watched England and a lot of football through the early 80s when there was lots of trouble

and the flag of St George's always linked into all that stuff... But it wasn't, was it, then? Wasn't it the Union Jack they used to wave at England games in those days? Well, I mean, I've got to think about flags in general, to tell you that. Which is why I can't do semaphore. I just won't have a flag in the house. I won't have one. A sort of flagophobia?

Yeah, in a way, in a sense. Oh, that is... I've never heard of that before. Well, I've just made it up. OK. Well, you've unfurled it, what you've done. That's enough now. I think we're flagging at this point. You know something? I'm not sure we can top that one.

It's been a joy having you. Before you go, Nick, you haven't plugged anything. Everybody plugs. Do you want to plug anything? Only if anybody wants to come and mow my lawn. That's the only thing I really need doing at the moment. You know someone will probably email in

and say I'd love to do that. Well, they'll put them in touch with me. They honestly can. Do we can, though? Of course they can. We can send a live reporter out at the sound of snippet and Nick saying

don't miss that bit in the I'm not going to get him to do it with scissors. We've got a lawnmower. Well, it's been great having you on, Nick. It's always lovely tomower. Well, it's been great having you on, Nick. It's always lovely to see you. And not quite as exciting as having Sandy Mason on. Of course. Of course, who's my girlfriend's mum.

But, yeah, I've had enough of applauding in there. Thank you. You should expect it at home, you know that. OK, then, so that's the end. Thank you, and we'll see you all next week. Bye-bye.