The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Pappys

Episode Date: April 24, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss what made them famous at school, including stories of Bobby the dog, a Charles and Diana flask and a holy sheet.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You see, I speeded up the marathon and I thought I'm going too fast,

and I just pulled myself back. I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth. Good morning. If you want to be absolutely precise, I'm also with Emma, the producer. I see, and now... She's creeping in, isn't she? And now Daisy has just come in, the assistant producer. So all five of us, which is like the whole family,

are all gathered here now. We're in a small room just off Golden Square in central London, one of the largest cities of the world. And wherever you are, we love you. This sounds like a hostage situation. Yeah. I just, I don't know, I feel I need to get the facts down with people. I don't want people thinking, hold on, is he there on his own?

Is he broadcasting from Lewisham? We should hold a copy of today's paper towards the webcam so people know we're still alive. I actually don't believe the webcam exists. I think these cameras are completely... Well, it doesn't this morning because I'm not on it, but that's another story. You're not on it again? No.

That's the morning! Oh, it's good to get the first one of them out of the way, I always think, as well. I, um... Speaking of radio, I did Desert Island Discs this week. Wow. You did another radio show?

Yeah, but Desert Island Discs, it's a national institution. It doesn't count. Yeah, but how would you feel if I went on Chris Evans' show? Well, obviously, then I'd... Lose respect for me. That would be an arse-tid situation. I'd come and rescue you with three men in masks. Or before he played Hard Day's Night.

But you'll be too busy on the telly now anyway, I think, won't you, for all that kind of nonsense? Yeah, it was an interesting experience the old was it yeah was it kirstie young it was kirstie young who um i did meet before many years ago because she did um fantasy football and i'm relieved i was worried when you said that no no when i left i said well it was nice to meet you and then i thought oh no i should have said it was nice to see you again now she'll think i don't remember her and she'll deliberately do a terrible edit to make me sound bad on the desert island. I can tell you, my luxury item...

Oh, what was that? ..was six silver napkin rings. What are you going to do with those? Well, it says luxury item. Yeah. Well, do you have napkins? Well, no. Just the napkin rings.

If someone asks you a luxury item, there's not that many things that spring to mind as luxuries, is there? In the modern world. Yeah. So I thought, well, I've never had that, really. If somebody bought me that, I'd say, well, it's a bit of a luxury, so there it is. I'll be able to use it for something on the...

What would you do with it? Well, if I stage a one-man Desert Island Olympics, I'll be able to use five make a logo yeah all right so they'll be all right for logo construction i think a lot of castaways they try to construct a logo early in you know yeah then if anyone's flying past that you've got you've got your brand it's all about branding it is and was there an emotional bit in the interview? Because they can get quite emotional. Well, I wasn't expecting that. It actually was quite serious. It asked me a lot about my childhood and stuff like that.

Oh, did you talk about the whippets? No, I didn't talk about that. But I'm not that partial to serious. I don't mind a serious theme, as long as you're embroidering it with comedy as it progresses. There were times when I felt like I was in therapy. You don't want a P theme, as long as you're embroidering it with comedy as it progresses. But there were times when I felt like I was in therapy. You don't want a Piers Morgan tear, though. You didn't shed a Piers Morgan tear.

Oh, no, I didn't do a Piers tear. That would be terrible. And did you mention us? Yeah, but I don't know. Oh, I look forward to that. I can't wait to hear it. I don't know if they'll make the final edit. Obviously, that's a possibility. I didn't wait to hear it. Yeah, I don't know if they'll make the edit. I mean, they might not make the final edit. Obviously, that's a possibility.

I didn't really... Obviously, I didn't have the six silver napkin rings. Oh, really? I made that bit up. My luxury item was Big Mouth Billy Bass. That terrible toy from the 90s. The fish on the plaque. Well, I think it'd be nice if you was on a desert island.

Say if there was a blizzard on and you'd got, say, dysentery. Wouldn't you be glad of a plastic fish going, don't worry, and with a slight wriggle around the dorsal? That would be good, I think. Yeah, so it was a very interesting experience. With that, is it assumed that you have something to play the discs on? Yes. OK.

But I think it's not... If you're open to sneaking like a radio cassette player, there'll be none of that, because you can't have a radio or a telephone. And I think you can't have a walking stick or a house brick. That's so strict. If I remember the whole list. I don't know how they've compiled that over the years,

but it was... I'll tell you more about this. There's more to tell. I don't need to think that's it. I was in there for... Oh, I got there at 10 o'clock and left there half past 12. No. Yeah.

I had quite a tan by the time I left. Absolute. Radio. So, yeah. So the one track i really wanted to to choose um for desert island discs was the theme from desert island discs you know oh i know it because i think where are you going to enjoy that more than on a desert island so you just wake up in the morning you think oh i'm depressed i feel lonely i've gone i've i've i'm eating too much salt right and then you think hold on a minute then you think oh i'm on a desert island you know let's let's self-dramatize myself as a heroic

figure and then i'd be all right and then you can think about what if you had to go back into normal life what records you would choose yeah that's a good idea well i thought about choosing eight records that i hated and then i would have all that time to listen to and analyze these records and and and and come up with a sort of formula for my own hate and i might be able to that's a constructive way to spend your time yeah then i might then but then i might be able to remove that hate from me and go back a person who is essentially just built of love. You're assuming you'll go back. Well, if I ever went back.

If I didn't, at least I'd be a happy islander. Yeah, oh, yeah. So if I took, say, Imagine by John Lennon... Oh, do you not like that one? Imagine there's no country. No, I don't. I hate that song. I mean, I love... Oh, don't tell Chris Evans. No, I don't. I hate that song. I mean, I love...

Don't tell Chris Evans. He won't be happy. No. It's one of his favourites. It's not a Beatles track, though. I think he might feel it's a bit modern. Yeah. But...

Indie. I like the Beatles, don't get me wrong. But that particular track, I... You may say I'm a... No. To be honest, there is one section of it that I do write. I really like

uh-huh. But you can't just pick that. I object to the sentiment as well. Yes. Imagine no possessions. How very dare you? What about imagine... What sort of an animal are you? What about imagine there's no countries? That's my absolute World Cup trip, completely ruined.

If we get there, there'll be a group of neutrals standing around kicking a ball about. Also, what about Yoko Ono's climate-controlled fur coat cupboard in her New York apartment? That was a possession, wasn't it? I think you'll find. Funnily enough, that was my luxury item. I've got a luxury item for you here. Oh, myily enough, that was my luxury item. I've got a luxury item for you here. Oh, my God, put that away!

That sounded like the most leering bedroom line I've ever heard. I'll show you a luxury item. Oh, my God! Ewan Ferguson has sent us an email saying Me and Ferguson

Yeah, we wrote it together, me and Sir Alex Ferguson I toned down some of his natural aggression He was just knocking back the whisky, you were doing all the work You can't say that about Sir Alex Ferguson No, Alex Ferguson wouldn't be interested in this He can write emails that he's read in the face Oh, he already is read in the face Carry on

Frank, here in California there is a cola called Pig Iron Cola. Oh! Oh, marvellous. Unfortunately, the US government won't let me send you and the team a bottle, and I can't attach a... He's got a picture here. Pig Iron Cola. Yeah, no, Alex Ferguson wouldn't like that unless it was mixed with something.

So you can get an actual cola called Pig Iron? That's brilliant, isn't it? Oh, I love that really it would be worth getting a job in a bar in california if people came in and said oh quite fancy a cola what do you got what brands do you have and i can say well we got you'd have to make sure it was exclusively pig iron cola so then you could say we've got all pig iron! You'd have to make sure it was exclusively pig iron cola, so then you could say we've got all pig iron. Yeah, that's true. All out-of-date pig iron, so it's old pig iron.

Yeah. Yeah. All these are possibilities, of course. But then they'd probably say, you haven't got any of that My Mom's cola that they used to sell in Birmingham shops in the 1970s? What's that? My Mom's cola was a special brand.

I've never seen... We had Panda. I don't think there was any cola in it. Oh, was there? It was one of those... Brown liquid. Yeah, it was brown liquid. But you can't... If you had an item called my mum's brown liquid,

I mean, who on earth? Absolute. Radio. We have an email from Ian in Blackwater, actually, as a text. He says... We were talking about hostage situations earlier, and he said, I met my wife at a hostage situation. That's nice. She was a hostage negotiator.

I was on the intervention team. Ah, the memories. So neither of them were hostages, I said. No. I think if you're a negotiator, pulling a hostage would probably be considered a bit non-you. Yeah. You should release one of the hostages. No, not that one, the fit one.

Yeah, that's exactly. Get the broad one out. Don't worry. That's how I do it. Yeah, don't send a van. I'll drive the hostage. I'll come and get her. No, leave the ropes.

That'll be fine. That's an interesting tale, that's just an interesting tale, that romantic tale. Nice place to make. It makes a girl think. It does. It does. And Anon has texted. Oh, I love Anon. How is he?

He's been ever so well. He's a really good poet. It's definitely Anon. We're not going to find it's Sister Teresa from the Carmelite Monastery in Notting Hill. Sister Wendy Beckett. Oh, I wish it was her. That would be marvellous. Marvellous mouthful of dominoes kind of woman.

Frank, do you fold your crisp packet or screw it up? Well, I find that they're basically unfoldable nowadays with the modern material they make. Really? They have a springiness about them. And I find I can fold them into a square and they'll snuggle back out into their original shape. So I tend to flatten. You flatten.

Yeah. You're not one of those people, are you? Don't you hate it when someone buys a packet of crisps in a pub? I do go to pubs. And then they rip it open for the whole table to share. Oh, I hate that. Not only do I do that. So egalitarian.

No, but not only do I do it, but when I've ripped it open and it's set, I do a slight gesture with my hand to suggest all of you. Do you know what I mean? So I do the ripping. A bountiful gesture. And then I, please, I don't even say anything. The hand speaks for me. Oh, yeah, I can display and distribute crisps without so much as a word.

Oh, I don't like that. I like those boys at school and they'd offer you a crisp and then they'd clutch the bottom so you couldn't take any. Yeah, they'd clutch your bottom. That'd be more like it for a crisp at that. Has it come to this? Although we're doing a similar thing with a particular chocolate bar today. We've got some chocolate bars and we've cut them up into little bits on a plate. Frank gave us the chocolate as a present.

I don't know if we're allowed to mention what it is. Well, I don't know if we are, but anyway, Mars sent me a big load of Mars bars. And it was in a big bag. They're well cut. It was in a big bag, yeah. Anyway, so I said, oh, you can have one. And I gave everybody one each.

Much like the crisp gesture. Yeah, when I got it, it was like 200 at the bottom of the bag, which are now in my fridge. But I shall distribute them to the local poor. And Emily's... I find that if you're homeless, it helps you work, rest and play. It will actually not work. No, you don't need to work.

Mainly, and not play that much. Just rest. Helps you beg, and not play that much. Just rest. Helps you beg rest and do hardcore drugs. You can't sell that as a slogan nowadays. Anyway, I'm not saying all homeless people. If there's any homeless people listening, where did you get the

radio from? Come on, put that back. Anyway, sorry, you were saying, Gareth. Yeah, Emily's cut up her mask butt as if everyone can have a bit. I don't think we should keep saying Mars bar. Oh, yeah. That is advertising.

Yeah. No, she's cut up hers as if anyone could have a bit, but she won't actually let anyone take some. No, I think it's her way of saying I have a very small mouth. I need to. And she knows that if she eats a Mars bar on the old webcam, the whole country will be in dis... I mean, the text message thing will go through the ceiling.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a couple of texts in, Frank. We had one, firstly, well, it's a bit of a complaint, which is from Nick in Detroit. Oh, a complaint. Well, he says, imagine was John Lennon well after the Beatles broke up.

Come on, Frank, I'm 51 and very clearly remember this. Are you trying to make like you're too young to remember Nick and Detroit? Thank you, good day. He didn't say that last bit, but I think he might have. Well, I think I made it clear, didn't I, that it wasn't the Beatles. I like the Beatles, but this was a John Lennon track. I thought I said that. I did say that. You did say it.

I mean, is this bloke trying to sound incredibly, credibly old by suggesting he can't remember something I said 30 seconds I did say that. You did say it. I mean, is this bloke trying to sound incredibly, incredibly old by suggesting he can't remember something I said 30 seconds ago? Well, thanks for joining in now, Nick. But no, I did know that. You did say it. But for anyone who didn't know, perhaps I didn't make it clear enough. So thanks for sending all the way from Detroit.

Detroit. I presume he means Detroit, not the woman who was in Shakespeare's Sister. He's not dwelling on her. He might be. Well, she might have died and they might have had a hollowed out and and uh split into flats but anyway cheers um and then neil and cardiff texted us i have done that actually come on neil melton cardiff i have yeah i nearly said kneeled in cardiff and then i'd sound like i wouldn't didn't pay attention to school now go on nearly card and neil and cardiff cardiff i have yeah i nearly said kneeled in cardiff and then i'd sound like i wouldn't didn't pay attention to school now go on nearly cardin um neil and cardiff cardiff it sounds like some religious right if you're listening kneel in cardiff all over cardiff now misunderstanding

welsh people oh blame me better better better neil don't we sounds like a full song is what it sounds like yeah anyway let's get nearly and they're very obedient in Cardiff. Are they? I found. That's not the story. When I fought in the Civil War, I found them to be unruly in the extreme. We had a small royalist stronghold there. I was afraid to go out into the village square in the evening. What for the rowdy locals?

Really? Oh, on one occasion, they tore my helmet from my body. Oh, I find them very amenable. Neil in Cardiff has texted us in during the week and says, he has a question. He says, when were you briefly famous in your school and why? My 15 minutes of fame was appearing on blockbusters. Bob Holness was lovely. Well, that's quite a big one, isn't it? As fame goes. That's properly famous.

I was famous for being Catholic in our school. Oh, in the Civil War? Yeah. No, I think this was during the Reformation. Because many had gone over and they'd taken the pledge, as insisted by Henry VIII, but not us.

Were you really famous for being Catholic? We had a hidey hole, you know. No, it was because there was only five Catholics in our school and so we didn't go into assembly or RE. Really? We used to have to sit in the dinner hall on our own and do homework. Oh, as if you don't have enough punishment all the time. Exactly, yeah.

And so people would say, oh, that's one of the... They used to call me Cathy. Cathy? Yeah, short for Catholic. Cathy. Cathy? Yeah. Short for Catholic. Yeah. At least they didn't call me Roman. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was a slightly salubrious film director.

Yeah, so I got sort of... Cathy! Oh, Frank, that's such a sweet nickname. Well, it could be based on anything. You know, it's often said that it's quite exciting at school when a dog comes into the playground. Oh, yeah, I love that. Well, we had, I remember a dog came in once, and this kid said, oh, don't I, I know that dog. Bobby! Come on, Bobby!

And the dog came over, and we were, oh. Wow. And he knows, you know that dog that came in the playground? He actually knew him. Called him over, and yes, yeah, knew him. He knows the family and everything. Oh, you're the kid that knew the dog? And that was it, he got celebrity from knowing a dog.

Oh, it's so easy. I got famous at school because I got drunk. Because I brought, I know. Can we hold this story? Because I just want everyone on the webcam to poise themselves. Absolute Radio. Take me out, Franz Ferdinand. Thank you very much.

Oh, no, no, I feel I've committed. I was actually speaking to Franz Ferdinand. Unfortunately, he was shot just before the beginning of the First World War. Oh, don't worry, nothing will come of it. Do you know, we never had that date. So, Emily made a good point during that song i thought i'm not saying that's if it's unusual well you know i call it song one and song two basically you know that's two songs that take me out there's the first bit yeah which goes so if you're lonely which is all 80s yeah and then the second bit which is a real rock out bit and i think the world

can be divided that's it so are you a song one or a song two person what are you frank because they're completely i like the first bit best it's quite fall the first bit do you think yeah a little bit yeah but they once said in an interview that they were influenced by the four and markie smith i read later said that he was threatening to sue Franz Ferdinand because he didn't want people hearing them and thinking that was what the four sounded like. He can be unnecessarily cutting at times. I'm song two.

Yeah, song two. So you're song two? Yeah, we love song two. You just like song two because there's a man shouting, take me out. Doesn't happen often. Yeah, it's like some sort of terrible begging letter. Well, exactly.

Well, that's all. That's good. Emily drunk at school. Oh, Emily drunk at school, yes. But before... I am going to get on to that. But quickly, I'd just like to read out an email saying, Frank, I don't know what you had for brekkie, but it must be good stuff. Ian on security in Lancashire.

Oh, well, that's nice, isn't it, I think? Is he on the door of Lancashire? Yes. What's happened, you see, is he's leaned over to do that text and probably four or five people come in from, say, Yorkshire behind his back. With trainers on. Yeah, exactly.

We're trying, yeah, exactly. Dressed a bit casual for Lancashire. Well, I mean, thanks for the text, but do keep an eye on that door. We don't often read out texts that are... We get a lot of lovely praising texts, but I think I'd feel a bit of a... I'm trying to think of a clean word. I can't. I'd feel embarrassed about reading them out.

Self-indulgence. Whenever I hear a DJ say, you know, read something and he says, yeah, we really love your show, I think, oh, I bet they didn't say that. You've added that. Because clearly no one could love this rubbish. That's what I think when I'm listening to other stations. I like the Beatles, but the rest of them.

So this is, we have this, this is from Chris Badger. Oh, the Badger? Yeah, Chris Badger. I believe he's been defended by... What's he called? Brian May. I think he's got... He's defended...

They're trying to cull the Badgers and Brian May is their champion. I don't know about you, I'd rather be culled than have Brian May as my representative in any area of society. I'd say, no, no, you're pleased. Here's my head.

Put an axe through it. Just get him away from me. And her. I remember her, but, no, you're pleased. Here's my head. Put an axe through it. Just get him away from me. And her. I remember her, but who is she? Anyway, don't smile with your teeth held together. Let them overlap a little bit, otherwise it looks scary. Okay. That was advice to Anita Dobson.

She does do that. She does, yeah. I don't want the teeth lined up. I don't want them completely parallel. I want the top set slightly overlapping. I don't always want the teeth lined up. I don't want them completely parallel. I want the top set slightly overlapping. I don't always want the bottom set exposed. There's too much exposure from that bottom set. I'm going to start laughing with the bottom set of the teeth slightly forward.

Like George Michael. Does he do that? Yeah, he's got an underbite. Anyway. Has he? Continue. That must be a positive disadvantage in his line of work. Frank.

So, I think this is one of the greatest compliments. I've just been catching up on the last few weeks' podcasts and I've not been around on Saturday mornings for the last few weeks. Yeah. We'll ignore a repetition of the last few weeks. I was astonished at Emily's proud admission that she fancies Vince Cable. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, so he thought that was a

funny thing to say and this about this for a compliment in fact tea came out of my nose oh now that that's a proper laugh isn't it when tea comes out your nose he does add in brackets i was drinking tea at the time to be clear i mean i suppose the ultimate gag is if you can get tea to come out of someone's nose when they're not drinking tea. Yeah, it's already been swallowed. People haven't drunk... Oh, no. Tea that's been there since, say, 2008. Magic tea.

Magic tea. Yeah, yeah. I try to get... You know that very, very dark yellow bile that comes up at the very back end of vomiting? Oh, my God. A real good joke will bring that out. Like, just coughed up like a tiddlywink. I don't think it's so shocking that I fancy Vince Cable, though.

No. Anyway, what about Emily? Are shocking that I fancy Vince Cable, though. No. Anyway, what about Emily getting drunk at school? Oh, yeah, I love an anecdote that starts like that. Yeah, exactly. So we were talking about... We were talking about... Why you were famous at school. Well, we think...

This is background. I had an email. Oh, that's very conducive, the background. OK, I won't. We were talking about why you were famous at school. And you were famous because you were Catholic, we've established, and you were nicknamed Cathy, which I love. I like the element of new readers start here about this.

And I got drunk at school. How old? About 15. So it's not that bad. That's all right. I think I was an alcoholic by the time I was 15. We'd planned the drinking spree, and we'd all brought alcohol in.

One girl brought special brew. I didn't like her very much. Another girl... Was she homeless? Well, I didn't think that was a good choice. Another girl brought gin. She was nicer, sort of Colonel father. Yeah, but slightly moody and surly at the end of

the day a bit bad tempered yeah a bit hogarthian i brought in some sparkling wine i don't know if it was champagne but i didn't know how to get it into school so i thought what i'll do is i took from my parents pantry a prince charles and lady diana commemor flask, and I poured the alcohol into the flask. I bet that's a very convincing vacuum in that flask. Voss representative of their marriage. I can't remember, there's actually three cylinders in that flask. Anyway, so you put it in a Charles and Diana flask. Yeah, and then I brought it in.

I don't know if the alcohol did something to it, but it all smashed by the time I got to school. Yeah, that would be very dangerous because of the pressure. Yeah, but it was fine. Anyway, then we'd forgotten. We got quite drunk. Were you so... Did you get drunk enough to just drink it out of the flask with all the broken innards? No, no, I didn't drink the innards. The crunchy, sparkling wine.

But I'd forgotten we had gym... a gym display later that afternoon dancing to Salt-N-Pepa's Push It. Oh, no. So I did it drunkenly, and then I became famous. It was being talked about for years. And did the teachers know you were drunk? They were very suspicious.

I stunk of alcohol and I couldn't stand up. And you punched through the other girls. I'll tell you your problem. Don't come here and say that! I hate you Absolute Radio Look I'm going to apologise Right

We were quite rightly Pointed out to us We were quite rightly Pointed out to us It's an anagram Of a fairly good sentence It was pointed out to us When Emily was talking

About getting drunk at 15 That we're not We're not suggesting That's a good thing We don't advocate it at all. No, we don't. We advicar it. Frank!

Oh, sorry, we don't. No, it's... Yeah, so if you're not old enough to drink, don't drink. Don't do it. Because, you know, you've got years to just... That's what people do when they've got nothing else to do with their lives. Exactly. But when you're young, you know...

Wait till you get to my age. Exactly. Then there's nothing but gin EastEnders and looking at the window at the neighbours trying to catch them out doing stuff you can phone the police about. When you're 15 you should be starting a family. When you're a jet.

Yeah, exactly. Can I read a really nice text that we got this week? Can we say that we don't agree with underage sex? No. I don't agree with sex. Oh, you don't agree with anything. Dear Frank, Gareth and Emily and the producers, thanks so much for making our senior year at uni truly amazing. You know who this is from?

This is the last time we, the Philadelphia Phillies, can listen to you when we're all together. So in your honour, we're going to have a pillow fight while listening to the Annie soundtrack. Oh, that's... Oh, that's the son of Carmel. It's hard enough life for us. It's a Sandy, and we're going to call him Sandy.

And maybe I'll forget how much he meant to me. Oh, well, maybe they'll forget how much they meant to me and that they were almost my babies, the Philadelphia ladies. They say thanks so much for all the laughs, the great music. Even the fall grew on us, and last week the bar played Victoria. Victoria! Victoria! They're going. What's happening there?

Well, they said thank you so much for helping us make so many memories in our last semester. Oh, it was their last semester. I don't know what that is. Isn't that a waterproof hat? I think it's the time of the month. It was that runner who was half man, half woman, wasn't it? Oh, yeah. Last semester.

It's their last cast of semester. They must be knocking them out on some sort of production line. Well, they're going to find a big bag of male genitals in the corner and think, oh, we never put these on. Forgot to put these on. production line well well they're going to find a big bag of male genitals in the corner oh we never put these on forgot to put these on well look i'm gonna miss the philadelphia phillies i tell you they were such love i feel i know every one of them i can i can i can hear the russell of lingerie oh we'll miss you phillies yeah oh i have a great pillow i feel a bit sad about that i do they're a big part of the show we should just name name check them. Leslie, Samantha, Aria, Cassie and Erica.

Aria? Yeah. Or Aria? I don't know. Aria, it looks like. Yeah. She will get Aria. She'll find her.

She gets older. Oh, God. Well, anyway, we love you all. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We haven't had a hostage-based text for about ten minutes. It's basically become the phone in this morning, these people's hostage and siege experiences.

Look at all these chairs, it's like Question Time. Yeah, we've got three guests today. There's three pappies. Three pappies? I think it's the first time we've ever had three guests, isn't it? Oh, I think so, yeah. Didn't we have the Beverley sisters on in the early days talking about world war ii maybe i've maybe i've imagined that anyway we're talking about times when you were famous at school yeah um when you just became a sort of school

celebrity for a while and actually i think it'd be good if people texted us in and something that made them a school celebrity. Gareth, did you ever have that moment, your 15 minutes of fame? My crowning moment was I did... It was in the sixth form and I wrote an assembly because the classes could write an assembly and perform it to the school. Do you still write assemblies? Sometimes, I dabble.

Every now and then I'll write an assembly. I don't know, if I wrote to a school and said, look, I've written a few assemblies, I wonder if you might want to look them over. People don't do that. They'd be well up for it. Yeah. I mean, have you ever met anyone and said, what do you do for a living?

I'll write assemblies. Oh, really? What, do you include hymns and stuff? I know I just write the sort of, you know, comic framework. We called it prayers. Did you? Yeah. We called it that thing that goes on in the hall when we are sitting in

the dinner room we didn't have dinner we had supper anyway carry on in english we were studying rosencrantz and guildenstone are dead the um tom stoppard oh yeah um you know which is sort of about you know for anyone who wasn't who anyone's listening and wasn't what didn't know they were even ill i think you broke that quite very brusquely. And, you know, it's a bit inspired by Samuel Beckett, so it's about existentialism and stuff. It's inspired by Shakespeare, wasn't it? Yeah, both.

OK. And I wrote this playwright, which was about individualism and alienation, and everyone basically... Well, that's who I'd go. If I wanted a play on that, who are you going to call? Gareth Richards. Existentialism on absolute radio this morning. It was high concept,

so the thing was, everyone in the play had a sheet over their heads. Oh, of course they did. And the sheet represented how we're cut off from one another. Oh, OK. You weren't all supposed to be just ghosts. No, we weren't.

Sort of the sixth sense. I think I went to a party like this once. There's some sort of Roman theme. Anyway, carry on. Right over our heads. OK. And then there was a very... Were they Egyptian cotton sheets?

Were they cheap sheets? It was just whatever people had. OK. And it was called a Load of Sheet. Oh. I feel another apology coming on. I've become an apologist. And then there was a very moving bit where I was the starring character.

It got really good laughs. It was funny. Yeah, sure it did. What, the starring character? Sheet One? The sound of people... The great part. The sounds of footsteps on a polished floor as people leave a hall

can sound like laughter when it's filtered through a sheet. Oh, so funny. I've discovered that. How can there be a starring part with the sheet? You all look the same. I've had the most lines. I think the writer gets the duvet okay we couldn't learn it though so we had underneath the sheet we had the scripts

that's handy i hadn't thought of that is there anyone who had uh who couldn't walk quite so fully because they'd opted for the fitted sheet you You know how elastication can restrict the leg movement? Trust me on that one. And there was a very moving bit at the end where... What, with the sheet? The main character had a revelation where he realised he could take the sheet off. So he took it off

and looked around at the beautiful world. He could change the sheets, basically. That's what he realised. Not many of them did that in the sixth floor yes he looked around and go oh it's so beautiful the world and then looked out over the audience said but look at all the sheets really they were all wearing sheets as well and this made you a celebrity so there you are anyone at school that got famous for walking around in a sheet yes someone has texted in to say,

I let 12 chickens loose in the headmaster's office. Which I love. I think we'll come back to that one. Pappies have joined us. And we've never had three guests before. Hello. And I'm loving the fact here that Ben, Matthew and Tom are... We've got one-on on one microphone and then two

on the other, like the Beatles. Yeah, we're the backing singers. That was whenever I mention the Beatles by the news team, it comes on. If that happened on Chris Evans' show, it'd just be the news team. He lives for the Beatles. Did you know that? No, I realise I'm on the one mic and I've hardly said a word

now. I think I'm not going to speak. You're on lead vocals. Yeah. They're only supposed to go... Or in the Marky Smith. That's a great end to the song, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. The full song.

Just, oh, I've run out of things to say now. Wish we could do that in our Edinburgh shows. It'd be great. So, Pat, I have to say that it's taken me now most of the last two or three days to call you pappy's and not call you pappy's fun club because um you were pappy's fun club and that's what i think of you asking why have you um in some way erased fun from your agenda we've erased a member of the fun club yeah we're not meant to mention it well it's no it's all right to mention it so what happened to brendan oh we actually had a uh we had a gig where someone shattered that out right at the end unlucky at the end of the show but um but yeah it's awkward we've changed the

lineup and so we've changed the name and also pappy's fun club um people kept thinking we were a sort of kids show which isn't a million miles away from the truth, but it's a kids' show with swearing. Oh, yeah. So it sort of got... It sort of upset a few parents and... Yeah. I think it's because we're always, you know, leaping around on the posters looking like, you know,

people who leap around. You look wacky, yeah. Yeah, I thought you were going to say something else there. No, yeah. Not this time of the month. Yeah, of course. So, yeah, so wackiness does tend to go sort of hand in hand with a sort of chuckle vision idea of uh entertainment yeah anyway your pappy's now he's

now yeah and for anyone who doesn't i mean there'll be people out there you know we we reach very far uh reaches of the planet anyone who doesn't, if they come to see Pappy's live, what should they expect? It's just three wacky guys. I don't want you to hold on to wacky as if it's become a thing. Let's really undersell. Let's really undersell if we can. Wacky Frank Skinner's going on the poster,

isn't it? Yeah, that's it. That's absolutely the poster quote to go with. We just did lots of silly sketches and songs and characters. And it's just like with three friends, you get to work together. I buy mucking around on stage. That's what we try and do, really. It's good fun.

Yeah, it's like sketch comedy, but not rubbish. I think that's kind of our angle. That's what you should put on the poster. Well, originally, we wanted to call it like sketch comedy for people who hate sketch comedy. Yeah. But you don't want to start with the negative, do you? No. You want to be positive, so instead leaping around like idiots.

Wacky. And the record-breaking element of this show is it... Because there seems to be a claim that you're going to do a record amount of sketches in an hour. Yeah, the show's 200 sketches in an hour. But you were going to say, is it real, weren't you? Well, yeah. Do you do 200? That's like asking, how does the film end?

We're not going to give away the twist. No, of course we don't. No, yeah, we... 200 sketches in an hour, that would be going some, wouldn't it? Yeah. Well, the thing is, you know this from doing your Edinburgh shows before. You've got to come up with a title in about April, and then you start writing the show in May, June, July.

I always go for Frank Skinner Live. We should have done that. Frank Skinner Live would have confused people, don't you? But then, you know, you can put in what you like, but you've committed early on to 200 sketches. We thought it was worth doing a challenge. So was your plan to actually literally have 200 sketches in the hour that that suggests we ever had a plan yeah yeah we thought about it like we put the title in early doors and uh we're really satisfied with ourselves and then we had to sit

down and try and write it and we realized very quickly just how tedious it would be to listen to 200 seconds long sketches after about a month we'd written like eight sketches each one was 20 minutes exactly yeah they're all monologues uh but yeah it was yeah it didn't it didn't really work out work out that way so we've we've come up with inventive ways of cheating yeah go on yeah we'll call it cheating yeah but um but yeah i don't think people have been disappointed by the result in the end no well i hear marvelous, and we'll hear more from Pappies after this. Absolute. Radio. The Life of Riley by Lightning Saints, which was all about Lisa Riley that used to present You've Been Framed.

It was all about, you know, just generally, you know, like showbiz engagements and meeting friends. Hell of a life. Yeah, it was hell of a life. So, this showbiz engagements and meeting friends. Hell of a life. Yeah, it was hell of a life. So this coming Friday... It's not over, is it? I'm sure it's still going on, just not on telly, maybe. Just not yet. But right behind you, breaking news has just come up on Sky TV.

Sadly missed. No. Lisa Riley. Yeah. They will be queuing up to be ball bearers. Put it that way. Oh, my God. I know. I love Lisa Riley. And. They will be queuing up to be ball bearers. Put it that way. Oh, my God. I know.

I love Lisa Riley. And she's changed. She may have changed. I don't know. I haven't said that for years. What happened to her? That's this morning's phone-in. What happened to Lisa Riley?

If you know, if you've spotted her anywhere, give us a bell. She was always sort of buoyant, fond-loving sort of person. I never saw her swim. No? I love it. So this coming Friday at the Bloomsbury... It's not about you, it's about these guys. We're trying to do the party now, aren't we?

I'm going to try that sentence again, as Ronnie Biggs would say. This Friday at the Bloomsbury Theatre, you are performing and you're going to do your 200 sketches in an hour show. For the final ever time. Yeah, so this is and it's got rave reviews, it's been a massively successful show.

This is really, honestly, people's last chance to see it. Yeah, it's absolutely your last chance to see it before we ditch it, we take it out the back and set it on fire and never perform it again and begin writing the Edinburgh show for August. So you haven't actually started writing the August show yet? Is this going out at the moment? No, no, no, they're still listening to the Lightning Seeds.

Oh, thank God for that. Yeah, that's the strange thing about it. Like we said, you come up with a title in April and then you write the show and we're we've come up with the title and now we're writing the show so you've got a title for the edinburgh show 300 sketches in an hour i see what you've done you've taken a theme and you've you've run with it yeah exactly yeah no does it have a title to being a one-trick pony yeah we're going to call it all business which is uh vague yes that's a good always a good move. I think we got burnt last year by our title. We learnt from our mistakes, didn't we? Yes. So, will you be all emotional to do the 200 Sketches show for the last time?

Yeah, I really think I will be. Will be? You're quite emotional now, aren't you? Yeah, I can see it. Your eyes are glistening a bit just at the very thought of it. I'm just very tired. Sorry about that. Sorry about that.

No, I think it's it's a big thing because how many times would you say you've done it have you any idea 70 times yeah 70 plus

no it's got to be more than it might be it might be about about 100 because we we probably previewed it 20 times if only you kept count

you could have celebrated that 100 times we should have done it 200 times really shouldn't we yeah yeah exactly in an hour

that should have been the final challenge. Well, anyway, go to the Bloomsbury this Friday. There's some tickets left. There are some tickets left, yeah. So get in there quick. But all the details are at pappiescomedy.com. Plug in the website.

Do plug the website. I'm very excited now about the Edinburgh show, just the idea of it forming so quickly. I feel it'll all be fresh and vibrant. That's the idea, yeah. Underwritten, under-rehearsed. No, it won't be that. Don't undersell.

I've told you, don't undersell. You're right. We've got three months. You can do a lot in three months. You certainly can. You'd better get cracking then. Listen, the month hasn't started yet. It's May.

It's May. We've got to get this blue. We're focusing entirely on the Bluesby show on the 30th, getting that out of the way. Okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, Tom, you're

running the marathon. I'm going to attempt to run the marathon tomorrow, yes. And this is your first ever marathon? First ever marathon. First time a crack at doing long distance running, really. I never was a long distance runner. Well, you do look like it. You look more like a boxer. Do you know what I mean? You're a big... No, can I say Tommy's like a big shoulders...

You know, he looks like... Because I always imagine marathon runners to be quite scrawny. I know nowadays that often you can't tell because they're in goose outfits. I've lost a lot of weight for this marathon as well, so at the start of the process I was even more... I didn't even look like a boxer. And are you guys going to go along and do the,

come on, Tom, when he runs past? Yeah, going to go along and get all emotional. That's the stressful part. I've been to the last two as a spectator, and when you need to spot someone, it's very difficult. Especially if they're in a deep sea divers costume or something. That's the way to go isn't it? Are you doing it

slow in the divers? Are you doing it in any kind of outfit? No because I've been collecting money on the tour at the end of every show. I've been collecting money from the audience and the audiences always say can you do it in a, you're going to do it in a pappy's costume but I just don't know whether I'm going to be able to complete it or not so I'd rather just do it. I don't want to pass out dressed as a pirate or something like that.

I'd go to ambulance, you know, if you're going to go to hospital. I don't know, that would be quite good, wouldn't it? I don't know. It might look better. Maybe Lord Nelson. Yeah, that's good. Sorry, what would look better? Well, yeah, it would look better going to a hospital in a costume,

look like it was for different reasons. What you don't want to wear is a doctor's outfit or something like that because you'll be taken to hospital and there'll be terrible confusion and you'll be in an operation. Run it as a paramedic. So do you feel you're ready, though, training-wise? I'm not sure if I was ever going to feel ready. My longest run was 20 miles, did it two weeks ago, and it was horrible.

I finished that and thought, that's the furthest I can run. That's the problem, isn't it? That's's the real problem so i just don't know but the adrenaline will raise you up that you all saw like a mighty eagle that's what i'm hoping to win it yeah oh well you i see i hadn't really thought i believe cast the semesters in it just go yeah yeah is he i like i'm a big fan you not call. You're not calling her he. He's got a woman. Oh, really? She's the South African sex... Oh, that guy. That's not a guy.

You're not... It's a lady. Caster, if you're listening, I can only apologise. She often listens on a Saturday morning, apparently. She does angling. Was she famous at school? She often goes angling. I think she was famous at school.

Not until the first PE lesson, and then everyone was talking. Yeah, so what else, Pap? There's not much room if you're writing an Edinburgh show, is there? No, so we've got everything sorted. We're doing some sketches for BBC Online. Yeah, yeah. And some things like that. And we're trying to work on a few scripts for other things.

But at the moment, live's pretty much where we concentrate, because we can't get a commission anywhere else. That's always, yeah. I've always veered from, basically, from where I can get work to where I can get work. People do. That's right. Sometimes I wait outside the gates at the BBC,

like I used to on the waterfront, and they come out and they go, you, you, you and you. And me, Graham Norton and Bobby Daffro go in just for a day's work. You should try that. Come with me one day. You'll show up like migrant workers on the back of a pickup truck. Yeah, we do. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

Yeah, no, it's fantastic. I'll join you. Yeah, that'll be very exciting. So, look, go and see Pappies at the Bloomsbury because it will be, not only will it be a hoot of an evening, but at the end there'll be tears. Absolutely. Same with the marathon. Yeah. it be a hoot of an evening, but at the end there'll be tears. Absolutely. Same with the marathon.

Yeah. It's a hoot of a day. Tom, what an emotional week you've got. I know. What you could do with this, having a baby or something this week as well. I could, well, I'll give it a shot. Well, it could be happening somewhere and you don't even know about it. What about that for a thought?

That's a worry I don't need to put into words right now. What are you trying to do to to me have you thought about adopting you're not gonna you're not gonna rush that through in a week could you think he's madonna of course you can a bit of back if i could have a baby presented to me as i crossed the finish line consider it done it would have to wear a silver cloak but that can work okay well very good luck for the marathon thank you very much have a a fantastic time at the Bloomsbury. Thanks very much. And good luck with writing that Edinburgh show.

And thank you very much for coming in. That was Pappy's... Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts in. Do you remember we were talking about how you were famous at school, or notorious, I think, in most of our cases. That's something that makes you a celebrity for a few days at school. We've had a text in from Clemmie.

Oh, I like that name. In Ashstead. Yeah. She says, I got famous at school for having a house party that lasted an hour and I had to call the police to get rid of everyone, nearly 100 people. Come Monday, it was claimed that a 10 grand chandelier got smashed and the entire house trashed. It was actually a 50 quid lamp and a baby stair gate stopped everyone going upstairs what kind of marauding youth can't get past the baby stair

gate can't you just step over one i love the urban myth of the 10 grand chandelier yeah that is brilliant where did she live blendon palace or something you don't have to be very posh i mean victoria beckham of course is known as posh spice i don't know if i ever told you this before but um this guy told me that he went around to pick her up from her house and at her parents house and they had one of these sort of mock houses uh you know they were very nouveau riche but some of my so i'm not condemning yeah that's good of you to admit that. But in the hallway, they had a suit of armour. So that is brilliant, isn't it?

I mean, unless you're in a castle. Or a Disney rom-com. The idea of having one in a three-bedroom house is fantastic. Whether it had its own bedroom, I couldn't tell you. Well, she was an Addams, wasn't she then? She was Victoria Addams. People have completely forgotten that. The Addams family, yeah. They would have armour, suits of armour in the house.

That was the worst clicking of fingers I've ever seen. Oh, yeah, I can click better than that. I think seeing enemies are louder than that when they click their tendrils together. Well, I thought I needed to do something after my comment to cover up the deafening silence. I'd have thought someone, in that case, your clicking would be much better.

What with all the practice you must have had. Oh my God. That's it, I'm off. Oh no, Gareth, come. Oh, he's gone. Are we going to fill the next... Hold on. That'll do it. Frank, I was famous at school for being um run over by a car that's the kind of thing that kids love isn't it i had that as well

didn't i remember i told i think i did it on the podcast don't bring it back to you just tell the story it's me me me isn't it a lot of notes just write them down and tell me afterwards okay um running down at the school gates After running out of school to collect our football Which has been kicked over the fence by some bigger kids Steve at the Village Bakery, Birchington, Kent Oh, he's one of my regulars again Sorry, I didn't hear that

I was writing some post-its for Gareth Oh, stop it Are you deliberately Socking that lolly to get the webcam guys crazy? I might be. You look like one of those, you know, lolita. Why don't you go for bonches? Well, that's later.

She's had that lolly ever since 50 Cent took her to the candy shop. What a day that was. We've had another. Do you want to hear another text regarding being famous in school? As many texts as it takes to fill the rest of the show's time. Well, this is Tom Berlinski. I like the sound of Tom Berlinski.

Tom Berlinski sounds like... It's a bit like, Tom Berlinski, Tom Berlinski, pretty little thing. Tom Berlinski dance, Tom Berlinski sing. Tambourine. I think I went to school with a girl called Tom Berlinski sing. Oh, Frank. Tom Balinski says, I was made famous at primary school

when I turned up to World History Day dressed as Hitler. I was ten at the time. I didn't know that much about him, only that he was a bad man and from Fawlty Towers and he had a funny walk. Well, the first part he got right. I think the funny walk will give him that because he encouraged the funny walk in others. Fawlty T't i think it was called the bear's garden not faulty

thinking of john cleese who also used to be much more popular than he now is yeah well he says he was sent home afterward now he says what happens which is brilliant is another funny thing about it is the only picture we have of the event is me dressed as hitler doing the washing up at home. I like that. I like the domestic Fuhrer element. I think, to be fair, if you're doing world history, I think that you can't erase...

Revisionism. Yeah, exactly. I wonder if he did his revisionism that week. That's about it, actually, for this week. We had lots of fabulous texts and stuff this week. And once again, we should say goodbye to the filly fillies. Oh. I will miss them, I tell you.

I'm going to end with... Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you. Tomorrow, you're always a day... Come on, everybody. Away. Now, what you've got to do is, there isn't the right notes in there somewhere. Sorry, can we have another go?

You've just got to pick. No, you've spilt it. Okay, good day to you. Absolute.