The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Reece Shearsmith

Episode Date: July 4, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth talk about pet foxes, hot lamb and key rings, plus comedy actor Reece Shearsmith from Psychoville & The League of Gentlemen joins them in the studio.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner's podcast, Absolute Radio. You can put that in any order you like.

I'm with Emily and Gareth. What a show that was. It was an odd. It was odd. It was a bit strange, but I loved it. The odder they get, the more I like them. Do you know what I mean? I felt it was one of those days when I really felt the strange link with the listeners. I felt there was a cosmic...

As if there was vapours emanating from me and going into their nostrils, like that bit when Tom, the Tomcat in Tom and Jerry, the Tom-Tom, who used the Tom-Tom when he was driving. Remember when he used to smell like a fish cooking and he used to go into his nostrils and he used to float up and float towards it? Pepe Le Pew. No, Pepe Le Pew was an unpleasant smell. No-one would float towards that. They wouldpe Le Pew. No, because Pepe Le Pew was an unpleasant smell.

No one would float towards that. They would be recoiled. But I felt that today. I felt like a cosmic closeness to everyone. They loved us. They sent us so many emails and texts. Oh, man. They loved us is a great way of looking at it.

You loved us, listener. Yeah, but what's important, what I'm saying is I love them. Do you understand? We love them. There was love in the room today. Ray Shearsmith was on from League of Gentlemen. He was lovely, yeah. He was surprising.

It wasn't surprising. I expect him to be funny, but I didn't think he'd be such a nice and sort of down-to-earth chap. Did you think he'd look like Papa Lazarus? I thought he'd be sort of sinister in some way, but he was very good. I think, again, I think in some way, I think it's one of the best shows we've ever done big words big words but now you get the

chance to test it and that's good isn't it because you're going to listen to it now and then you can say you can write in and you can put it it's the 17th show, you can write in and tell us where you'd put it. Let's just let them listen. OK, just, yeah, why do you need this? Just listen. Absolute Radio. I'm Frank Skinner, I'm on Absolute Radio, I'm with Emily and Gareth. What else?

What are the sentences that begin I'm? I'm in quite a strange mood this morning. I don't know quite what it is. What is it? I feel agitated. Yeah, you are a bit agitated. I'm going to be honest with you, you are. I don't know quite what it is. What is it? I feel agitated. Yeah, you are a bit agitated. I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't sleep. I kept waking as if something portentous. I did that. I had quite

disturbing dreams tonight. Tonight? That is portentous. It is, if you had them tonight. I have all my dreams in advance. It saves time. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? And then one can edit as well, because there are some dreams that are just a of time well don't talk you're not gonna talk about dreams it's worse than hearing about people's problems i cannot bear it also i it's worse than

hearing about people's boring lives i'll tell you something i i never believe people who talk about their dreams because because there's no way that anything any of it can be checked i always think our people make up interesting dreams just as that's things that they've really thought and they're trying to dress it up as a dream so it's so it's okay to say that's what i think that's suspicious in your dark sci-fi universe you would have a way to check what people are dreaming well that would be good when um with my dreams you can check them because i've dreamt them all in advance. Yeah. With my dreams, I'd like to sky-plus them because there's some dreams I'd like to keep.

Yeah. Well, none of my dreams last night were keepers. They're things I'd much rather keep. Can I just say you are now talking about dreams, so both of you shut up. I think talking about it in the abstract. Hey, listen, Frank, we've just had... Deborah Terry has just emailed in to say,

wow, Frank, what a brilliant start to the show, because she was very pleased to hear Susie at 8am. Well, that is good. I think people expect at this time of the day it's going to be Coldplay, and then they get Susie in the band. I appreciate that. What was the name of that? Her name is Deborah Terry.

Thank you, Deborah. I appreciate that very much indeed. We got told off for not reading out the names of people who emailed in. Because we thought, other names, what does that matter? But obviously we very much appreciate you texting us anything on 8-12-15. If you don't give your name, I'll make up a name for you. Don't do that.

People like that even more. I don't think we should attribute. We should just, anyway. So, yeah. I tell you something that happened to me. I was walking along the south bank of the Thames in London, which is a large conurbation in the south east. Yeah, more or less.

And there was, you know when you see those crocodiles of kids, like school kids all marching together? And there was like a load of kids, and there was a teacher. And he was pointing across the river, and he said, and over there, you see that white building next to it? He said, that's Westminster Abbey, where all the kings and queens are buried. And one of the kids went, whey! I mean, I don't know if he was a Republican,

but he seemed to be celebrating somehow the deaths of the royal family. And then the bloke said, and he's a very famous man, suddenly pointed at me. And I thought, well, very's pushing but we'll we'll let it rest and then i walked a bit because these kids were kind of they were about seven i suppose so i walked a bit further down and they in about 20 of them in unison went frank skinner it's a really weird moment wow Wow, they're going to think you're always there. Yeah. Whenever they see you now, they'll be like, oh, that's Frank Skinner.

He's the guy who hangs around on the south bank. Yeah, he's the guy that stands opposite the royal family's carnage spot, the Westminster Abbey thing. Yeah, so it was an interesting... It's what it must be like to be proper famous, that school kids call your name in unison. But, hey, I enjoyed it. That was altogether now

arguably the best football song of all time. We didn't jump in. We were in trouble. Definitely World in Motion. So anyway, yes. It's been hot, hasn't it? With Rita Stowe, we were already talking about the weather. I'm loving it. I like it when it's hot it's been hot hasn't it I love it with Rita Stowe

we've already talked about the weather I'm loving it I like it when it's so hot there's pensioners pensioners on the pavement as I think

Morris did Morris he do a song pensioners on the pavement I know sounds like the sort of thing he might do

do you know the only thing I think about the hot weather though is I feel sorry for British guys because you're rubbish. You don't know

how to deal with it. Because like, continental men are really good. They've got the really quick, hasty letch down to a fine art. Oh, the letching element.

Yeah. Because there's all this flesh on display and you're really bad at it. Like, you take so long over it because you're not used to it.

Yeah, it's a real, I don't know what the politics of it is. I mean, if you see a woman in an incredibly short skirt and nice legs i always think you know if you look it's a bad thing but if you don't look it seems so unnatural and i don't know if women want you to look i sat on the tube yes i use the tube get over it i sat on the tube. Yes, I used the tube. Get over it. I sat on the tube and I've got an Oyster card. You have not. I have.

I bet it's gold. Yeah. Can you get a gold Oyster card? You've got one. I think it would be pearl, wouldn't it? Anyway, so this woman sat opposite me in a very, I mean, a very short skirt and a very attractive woman. And I looked, I knew the legs were there. I could see them in my periphery vision,

the slightly browned limbs. But I thought, I'm not, look, I'm not. I felt not only was she looking at me in a kind of a, you just try it kind of a way, but everyone on there, I felt the whole carriage were thinking, if you look at her legs, we're going to pull the communication cord, even though there isn't actually one on the two.

So I didn't look. And that seems crazy. I'm crippled by political correctness. communication cord even though there isn't actually one on the on the tube so i didn't look and that seems crazy i'm crippled by political correctness well i think it's funny because when you notice a part of a lady's body yes i i feel like oh no i better not look at it and then i think oh no well i've obviously already looked at it because i know it's there and then that's very difficult to do we don't mind you looking just speak on behalf of all women, do you? All women kind. We don't mind you looking, but just be a bit quick about it.

Oh, that's worse. No, it shouldn't. That's what you say about everything. It's like a football one, too, like glance latch, like really quickly like that. Oh, no, I can't live with that. It's much better. You're like pensioners trying to text or something.

It just takes forever. It's like, just hurry up. You're much better. You're like pensioners trying to text or something. It just takes forever. It's like, just hurry up. You're right, I am like a pensioner. Dragging into an alleyway is always too much. I'm going to start defending, I'm going to start stepping in front of these women with that black and yellow tape that the police are saying, nothing to see here, come on, move along, come on.

If there's a time period, right, you need to give us an exact time so that we can time it. You just look for too long. So we can look for the amount of time that we're allowed to look. You just looked at my top too long, Gary. Really? Okay, that was too much. Fine.

Well, that's it. Now we know where we are. Now we're talking about it. I don't know where to look at all now. No. There's four women in the studio. We're surrounded by women, Frank. I'm just going to look at your crotch.

That is all I'm going to do. Frank has just pulled his top up. Oh, my God. Come on. Not bad for 52. That's for 52. I was thinking of having a tattoo that said not bad for 52, which I could have updated each birthday. What do you think? Like crossed out and then. Yeah. Well, eventually I'd cross out the whole thing. I'd just cross out the knot. Yeah.... I just cross out the knot. It's an interesting idea. I don't have a tattoo. No. Do you have a tattoo? No, I have no tattoos. No.

I have one here on my chest, but you wouldn't know. I made you look. Oh, I fell for the old cleavage trick. What a fool I've made of myself. On your chest, is it a tattoo of a pair of glasses? It's a tattoo that says what you're looking at, pervert. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. And if you'd like to text us about anything, really, I mean anything. Yeah. Anything. Someone called Fiji. Hold on, I'm going to do the number. Have you never heard radio before

it's 8 12 15 right that number again 8 12 15 ok you were saying do you want to hear what I'm going to say now someone called Fiji Matt says in reference to what we were saying about whether you look at women in debate

says look it's our God given right that's what he thinks. Interesting. It's obviously very religious, Matt. Is he a prayer, Matt? Prayer Fiji, Matt? I'm sorry. Can we do that again?

What, it's live? I should have told us that earlier. Sorry. So, yeah. Well, that's good. I think you went to, there was a Blur trailer on there. I don't know if you were listening to it, because often we fade everything that goes out and just talk about it,

unless it's one of my tracks, then I make them listen. You went to see Blur. Yeah, I went to see Blur on Thursday night. And it was, Blur for me are like, they were the band when I was kind of 15. And you're at that point where you're going, who am I? What do I want to be? And they came along and just encapsulated everything that i wanted from life so who are you then i am i'm damon from blur oh are you if at all possible

oh okay i am damon from blur and it was absolutely brilliant and it was funny because it's all about you know they um graham and damon have got back together which i think is a beautiful thing spare me the first names yeah for goodness sake yes like they've got they've become friends again and people thought it would never happen and they'd never work together again and i went with a mate that i haven't seen for seven years and we just got we got in touch on facebook and he said you want to go and see blur so it was like we were going we had a reunion to go and why hadn't you seen him for seven years just like was there a boss stop we didn't well we used to be in a very successful Britpop band,

and then we drifted apart. I don't think that's true, is it? No, it's not. We just, yeah, no, I just, I'm not very good. I've moved around quite a lot, and I'm not very good at keeping in touch with people. But I find when I'm friends with someone, like, you know, when you get back together, it doesn't matter.

Are you part of the government's witness protection program? Are you one of those people? Well, we just moved on a lot with my family. Yes, alright. After people wanted to build on the waste ground they wanted us to move. I can have a vision of you leaving a flat at midnight through the window, suitcases.

Okay, but it was a good gig, was it? It was absolutely fantastic. Who's the one that makes cheese? That's Alex, the bass player, Alex Jones. I thought that was just a text that someone had sent in. They were in a very early morning pub quiz. Now I've seen somebody

in The Guardian. Now he makes cheese, doesn't he? That's quite an accurate impersonation. There was a dairy industry themed very early morning pub quiz going on somewhere in South London. That would be a good question. Who makes cheese?

Sorry, carry on. There was a brilliant moment when Nathan, who's the guy I went with, he likes really obscure stuff. And we were talking about what tracks we'd like them to play. You mean musically? Musically, yeah. Not like the venerable Beans writings. not like you know the venerable beads writings um and um he said there's this track called oily water which is one of the most obscure blur songs you'll ever come across they actually sing it through a megaphone oh marky smith was doing that for the fall

the fall of the best we're not talking about the fall we must talk about the fall yeah no but they do that and then the thing is in one of the breaks, he shouted it out. He shouted out Oily Water as a joke. But they did it. What, as a request? They played it. I think they were going to do it anyway. How many people were at that gig? It was in Hyde Park. There were 75,000.

There were 55,000 people. And they heard your mate shout Oily Water, so that's a good idea. Well, they definitely, like, we were quite near the front. It was the best thing that's, I think it was the best thing. The best thing that's ever happened to you? Well. This is a man who had a baby

about four weeks. I just hope your wife, Laura, is listening to this. Well, it's the icing on the cake. Yes. Was there a cake? It was. There was no cake brought in here

from the birth. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the blur. It was brilliant. And so, and absolute are gonna they're playing the whole thing at five o'clock on saturday sunday so it's very we're very on message you're such a corporate man that's the what a company man you are well that's good i should be listening to that absolute radio we've had some rather unusual uh emails in emails or texts or both what does it matter okay if you want to email us, use a computer.

I can't keep these numbers in my head. I'm used to just pressing a button. You're terrible. Right, someone called Mary Poulton from Wofford. I'm sure that's Wofford. No, it could be Wofford. Oh, is it? Okay. Maybe she's just got a very broad accent. Wofford. Says, Frank, you have such cool she's just got a very broad accent. Wofford. It says, Frank, you have such cool musical taste. I'm loving it. That's why I thought it was a little bit unusual. Oh, Mary.

Yeah. Oh, Mary. There's someone else. There isn't a song with Mary in it. I'm thinking of one of those. Mary had a little lamb. That's a nursery rhyme. Why have you given it some rock tune?

Paul McCartney brought that out as a single. Speaking of lamb, I was going to order lamb in the restaurant the other day. Speaking of lamb? Yeah, we mentioned lamb. And we were in the restaurant and I was looking at the line of lamb. And I said, what do you think about lamb today? And Gareth went, and I said, too hot for lamb? And I'm thinking it would be a great title if ever I bring out a rock album,

it could be called Too Hot For Lamb, right? And it could be like a live album. At one point I go, too hot for lamb! And the crowd all go, meh! Phew! And we'd have a whole thing going, sorry, what else has been scented? I told you I was in an odd mood this morning.

You really are. Yeah. Extraordinary. I think it might be those acrylic pyjamas. So Paul in Leeds has said, Frank, do you think it's acceptable to wear odd socks? Well, I'll tell you something. Why are you just answering like it's a normal question?

That's quite weird. I think some girls and some young people do it as an affectation. Oh, okay, yeah. I think if they're in... I go for ones that are in the same ballpark colour-wise. When I used to have my school holidays, I would pick a pair of socks and wear them for the whole school holidays because I thought it was school holidays.

And I would wear the same socks for like six weeks. What? After about three weeks, it becomes possible wear the same socks for like six weeks. What? I'd get to the point, after about three weeks, it becomes possible to get your socks on the wrong feet. They're actually uncomfortable. There's like the bulb of the big toe indentation. It leaves a lot of gap around the little toe area. Oh, that's horrible.

Yeah. So I think it's okay with odd socks. I don't like it when people wear a red one and a yellow one in a kind of a, you know, look at me, I could be a great BBC children's presenter kind of a way. Yes, I know what you mean. I tell you how I judge people, not by their socks. I judge people, this is a little bit idiosyncratic, I'll admit it, by their key rings. I think you can judge a lot by someone's's key ring because people you know they select them

usually and you get people get like a football club key ring or whatever yes you think someone um presents something of their soul i think if someone gave me a key ring just out of the blue in a sealed envelope and i looked at it i'd be able to say some things about that person which would be quite accurate from their choice. If they'd chosen it, you know, not one that... Not if you saw mine. Well, I don't know what... I must have seen your key ring in the past.

Well, let's get key rings out. Let's see what's going on with the key rings. I've sure been to parties where all our keys have been to Astro. It's a very useful skill at those sorts of parties. You've so seen my key ring. My key ring says Chav Scum. I can't believe you've... It says Chav Scum. Is that bad?

I can't. You were a member of the Conservative Party and that was a gift. Oh, dear. My sister got it for me. OK. Is she Chav Scum? No, but she just... Was it ironic? Yeah. I'm slightly taken aback. I hate that you have to ask whether it's ironic.

If there's any chapscom listening, I mean, come on, no offence. So, adverts, I think. Tim, why don't you text in with what your keyring is, and just tell me your keyring and I'll tell you what kind of person you are. What about that? That's on 8-12-15. Absolute Radio.

People think they've got the wrong station, haven't they? Too hot for lamb. So. I'll tell you what's too hot for lamb. What? The key ring texting. Has there been a cavalcade? Oh, it's gone crazy.

I love that word. Another launch. Thank you, listeners. There's been another. Oh, fantastic. This is, we've finally found something that people couldn't be bothered texting about. Thank you all.

They love it. Okay, so... You know what I love then? I've started to feel that the listeners are kind of like my mate who I go out with on a Saturday morning. What about that? Yes. That's just happened.

That's a beautiful thing. It's really nice. It's made me feel... Too hot for love. Okay. So we're going to read you the key rings And you're going to tell us about these people I'm going to give you a character analysis Adam at work, I have amateur gynecologist

On my key ring Idiot Yes Oh I'm not sure about that Adam I mean think about it Yes, well if I ever meet you Come and say hello. But don't expect a handshake.

Carry on. Jane from Tool Key. My key ring is a Staples reward tag. A Staples reward tag? Staples, the stationery shop. Oh. I don't know what a reward... I'm saying you're a very orderly person. I love stationery, I have to say.

Oh, man, put me in a stationery shop. I'd buy those little collared things that you put on the top of bits of paper. I love stationery. Oh, man. She's started me now on this. I could really... I get so excited about stationery. A stationery shop with blur in.

Oh, that would be incredible. What about a stationery shop with blur in? For me, you need sawdust as soon as possible. What do you think about Andy? I think she's a very orderly woman, very in control of her life. Very good. What do you think of Andy from Wakefield, who has a Jack Daniels bottle opener and a Tesco's club card? Well, I think he's very good, Cockney,

and I'm surprised the ring pull Element of the club card Hasn't removed the bottle opener Necessity of the other That's what I'm saying I'm starting to sound like Derek Acora In the spirit world Oh man he's happy in the spirit world Is the spirit world a section of Tesco

As I'm suspecting it is My key ring says jazzercise Bet you don't know what that is, Pam. Jazzercise almost certainly will be a sort of aerobics thing that one goes to and dances, not to jazz, but sort of jazz funk, you know what I'm saying? For a lady

of a certain age. Well, I don't know, I think she might be a bit younger than your average jazzercise person. I think she's, you know, she's a... The workout gear would be pink, definitely. Oh, God, yeah. I don't think she'd go as far as uh the workout would be pink definitely oh god yeah yeah i don't think she'd go as far as a leg warmer because you consider that'd be too much she might wear a baseball cap and pull a ponytail through the bit at the back where you have the sort of adjustment strap yeah i think she's a little bit quirky that's some that's another way i judge

people actually i have a look if someone's got a baseball cap i'd say on the boss or something yes i use the bus. I see how many holes they've used. And if they've only used two or three holes, I think they must have a very small brain. This is interesting. Simon has a bottle opener and the male symbol, so a circle and an arrow.

Yes, I know the male symbol. Don't worry about that. Is it a bottle opener that is the male symbol? Because the male symbol, it would make a very good bottle opener. If it's not that, that is an excellent idea for a key ring. If anyone here makes bottle openers... We should do that, Frank. Oh, I can't be bothered.

As if you're going to do that. I mean, God, how much money do I need? So you could make a 3D male symbol, and then you can use the arrow. And then the circle of the arrow. The circle and the arrow. The arrow could just hook you. You could do both. You know how you have the circular ones and then the thing

that you put over the bottle like that and you could have a hook one. Are you bored now? I'm bored. I'm so bored. It's the worst conversation you've ever had. If the producers of Dragon's Den are listening, we want to come on please. If the producers of Dragon's Den are listening, I'm not very keen on your programme.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Any more texts? Yeah, you're only asking any more texts, because you know that I'm going to cough. It's very unprofessional. You're right there,

Steptoe. It wasn't a very... It's uncanny. Don't leave me, Eric. So Jane from Torquay says, you're so right, Frank. And this is in regards to... Something I asked her in bed 12 years ago in a hotel on the south coast.

You said the lady with staples on a key ring was very organised. Do you remember? Yes. She says, I'm an NVQ assessor and I have to be organised. Well, you do. Jane, did you say? Yes. Well, well done, Jane.

When I find out what NVQ is, I shall congratulate you in a more detailed fashion. Is it the National Vocational Qualification? Oh, yeah. It'll be something like that. I don't have any doubts about that. More detailed fashion. Is it the National Vocational Qualification? Oh, yeah. It is going. It'll be something like that. I don't have any doubts about that. I think at school we used to say that stood for not very quick.

Did you? That's cruel. Yeah, it was at your school. I feel bad about it. God, I mean, you had to be sent by a doctor to your school, didn't you? After that blur rendition. Yeah, exactly. It was a blur.

That's what I think. So, have you made your big decision yet, Emily? My big decision? Is this with regard to my pet? Yes. Well, I want to buy a pet because I just, I got really panicky when I was changing a light bulb the other day in heels. And I thought, because I have to wear them to reach, because the ladder's not tall enough. Do you mean you were changing one in heels, the interior decorator? No, wearing a pair of heels. Oh, you're okay. Because my ladder's not quite tall enough can you get special light bulb changing high heels that are so high you can just walk around put that next to the mail symbol i wear platforms to change

light bulbs in because my ladder's not quite tall enough so i wear high heels and i just have that panicky moment i think what if i fell off the ladder in the stilettos or the platforms and then something terrible happened well at least you'd be found dead in nice shoes i'd look nice yeah yeah but i do panic a bit because i live on my own and i think at least if i had a pet it would like raise the alarm like skippy if something bad happened i wouldn't count on that oh okay if you got a giraffe of course you could get rid of the so i want to get a pet but i don't want to get something common or garden like a dog or a cat. So I was thinking a fox.

I don't think... I want to say something not common or garden. One of the most popular places to see foxes in the city. I don't think you... Can you own a fox? You can de-gland them so that they don't smell so much. Oh, you can de-gland them.

I've got a special knife for it. But we're not talking about my hunting and poaching days. You're not going near my fox. And I want to get a little soup for it like Foxy Bingo. And I'd have it on a lead. Well, I think that's all. I think that's probably all right. And I might wax it as well.

No, just because the tail... You want a naked fox? That's horrible. No, just where the fur gets too rough, because I'd want it in the bed, and I wouldn't want it to be too rough. If you waxed the fox's tail, in a way, you'd rob it of its essential personality.

You want to wax a fox so it's better in bed. Oh, no. I didn't say that. No, look, I think we've gone into a strange fantasy now. By the way, speaking of strange fantasies, Rhys Shearsmith is on the show very shortly. Should we call him Rhys Shearsmith from... He is still part of the League of Gentlemen,

but he's doing the psychoball at the moment. But it's all right to say it from there. He's not going to come on and say, why keep going on about League of Gentlemen? That's my past. It's not going to be like that, is it? No, they haven't done a blur, no. Someone's just said, forget the pet, take me home instead.

Basil Brush. It's Chris on the M25. I wouldn't fancy Basil Brush's chances of changing a light bulb. You can, Chris, but you'll need to have your glands removed before. And you'll need to be waxed. Yeah, I mean, you can keep them. We can put them in a jar for you, but you can't have them. When it was really hot the other day, we had a weird thing.

We opened our patio doors. Which glands do you remove, by the way? Is it the tear glands for when it's been waxed? Boom! Boom! Too hot for Fox! Sorry. I said Fox. Anyone who's just tuned in. I'm really glad you cleared that out i don't

any misunderstanding we opened the door in the lounge and then we're in a bungalow so it's all on the same floor to let air through but in then in the bedroom laura said i can hear something something's come into the lounge oh god was it a fox it wasn't a fox but we thought it might be a fox because we hear foxes outside and they make terrible sounds i love it that's what i like them awful guess guess was it a tapir it wasn't a tapir slender loris it was it was we found we've got a seat little sequined silver cushion that um laura chose oh yeah a tiny liberace had come into the garden and sat on it. On this silver cushion, a frog. On a cushion?

If you'd have kissed that frog, it would have turned into Prince Charles. Laura can hear a frog. Everybody can hear a frog. From another room. Have you never seen the Budweiser advert? Bum, bum, bum, la, la, la. I love singing for one day now. It's another Paul McCartney song.

Paul McCartney is getting a very good airing today. Actually, I did say Fox and nothing else. Did you see when Andy Murray was accused of swearing by the umpire? I was, yeah. What was I supposed to say? Weird voice. I'm sorry, I didn't swear. The bloke said, well, how could I possibly know what you say

when you just go... So I thought he had a good point. Absolute. Radio. It's been an odd morning, hasn't it, in many ways. I think I might be having some sort of an aneurysm. So we're with, I was going to say Reese Witherspoon there. Loads of people would have phoned in and asked questions

about the sake of a gin. But we're not with Reese Shearsmith of League of Gentlemen fame. Yes, off-off. Now, I don't mean to be in any way insulting. You're looking a bit clammy, Rhys. You're sweating up a bit. Right, yeah. Well, that's because I hate the sun.

And I just sweat in anger of it. But isn't it beautiful? People get happier. Well, I know, yeah. I am odd, I think, but I hate it. I find it's intolerable and sufferable. You just want to get out of it. I try and stay in as much as I can in a cool room.

My girlfriend's like this. She rails. You can't find anything good about it. What's good about it? You feel uncomfortable. You can't do anything because you're just fagged out. Yeah, well, leave it. I like the opportunity as a 52-year-old man

to walk around in shorts and ankle socks because I know that the youth around me are appalled. Why should their life be endlessly fun? When you can present to them what they're going to become. Exactly. I actually carry a large sign that says, Coming soon, as I walk around the West End. No, I do like it.

I was in Greece recently. It was 39 degrees, would you believe? What do you do? Well, the brilliant thing is, like they do in all these countries, it's not very much. Right, I see. Because they get busy in the morning, and then about 12 they think, well, that'll do me for three or four hours.

And then everyone just does nothing, and there's something great about that. Yeah, well, I don't... I think it's just... It makes me feel like I'm ill. That's what it makes me feel like. I find it's... Well, you must be a very fervent campaigner against global warming. Yes, and that's the other thing, of course.

It's a nightmare, I think. I'm afraid, Rhys, it's going to get worse and worse. I don't mind when it snows. I love the cold. I love winter. From September onwards, I'm happy. That's because it's not hot. Yes.

There's a logic to that. I think you'll find it. I like Halloween. But it's going to get hotter. Yes, I know. This is the tip of the... That's a terrible analogy. It's not the tip of the iceberg, is it? It going to get hotter. Yeah, I know. This is the tip of the... That's a terrible analogy. It's not the tip of the iceberg, is it?

It's the tip of the... That's gone, melted away. Yeah, that's gone. It's taken several poor polar bears with it. But hi. So... You're going to a fete today, is that right? I am, yeah. It's my children's school's summer fair today.

Sorry, you just... I can't imagine you you go in there with he's doing the face are you doing the face i'm doing the face i'm on the face painting stall for a half an hour can you imagine what those kids are gonna look like are they gonna be going die next one please i might have to clap, though. I'm going to have a shot of it. I love it. Do you know, I did a sitcom once, and we rehearsed for about three weeks and then shot it for about three weeks, more than that. Perhaps the whole thing was two months. And you know when you hang around in a gang,

you have a saying that you all, and we were all doing the voice. You're my wife. I'm sorry it's not very good, but mine's a bit more like Zippy from that. Yes. You're my wife now. sorry it's not very good but mine's a bit more like zippy yeah yeah you're my wife now what do you think god um and we our whole period was doing you doing that it's an audio you touch people's lives it is yeah i mean that thing was such a strange you'd never have thought that that would have latched on you know in any way shape or form it's just a strange

private joke in case you don't know it, it's a... Can you describe it? As you said, it's Papa Lazarus. Yeah, one of the characters in The League of Gentlemen was this strange kind of ringmaster circus clown freaky character that came into the town, and he had, like, a black minstrel face, and he had this incredibly deep, strange voice,

and the revelation was he was taking people's wives away with him in this strange harem. It's a very weird story. very weird and they're all called and he called everyone dave yeah but that came from and i've told this story hundreds of times my landlord that i used to share a flat with and he would never recognize me as being part of the tenancy agreement so he would always ring up and talk to steve and if you if i was if i answered the phone, he was like, Hello, Steve. No, no, Steve. Steve there. No, no, he just... I want to speak to Steve. So it was just...

I could listen to the voice all day. Absolute. Radio. You're my wife now. Yes. What's wrong? Can you give me any coaching on that? It's not guttural enough.

It needs to become... Can I try it? Can I try it? Go on. You're my wife now. Better. A bit better, yeah. And I like the sort of

lesbian element. I think you missed that. Gareth, you all go. You're my wife now. I didn't like the pause. You took me by surprise. I didn't. We had an amazing...

Me and my wife watched the first episode together. And I didn't know, but on chat shows amazing, when me and my wife watched the first episode together, and I didn't know, but on like chat shows and stuff, and I think on morning TV, they'd showed some of the clips. So, you know, with David and Maureen? Yes.

So David, who's the son, who's into serial killers. Yeah, and his mum, who's... Yeah, and it's a very strange relationship. Yes, it is. They're a bit too close, aren't they? And there's a bit where she's cleaning the dead skin off his back and laura had seen a a clip of this before and so just before we're watching it just before she said it um maureen said it laura said but i'll go and get

the dustpan and brush and then she said it as the character yeah and it completely freaked me out that's weird. In fact, you just spanned a brush. I've got half your back between my legs. See, I feel they're getting a taste of it. The people who haven't seen it are being drawn in.

Yeah, I've got a quick catch-up for you. So, I was going to ask you what else you've got, but you've already told me you've got secret things coming up that you can't talk about. You did art, didn't you, in the West End? I did, and so did you, didn't you? I did. Which character did you've got secret things coming up yeah you did art didn't you in the west i did and so did you i did which character i was um ivan oh i was i saw you i actually saw you oh god and you still did it yeah but you thought well actually that's

quite easy to do this exactly you were quite right a lot of a lot of sort of non-actors were brought in to play that part yeah it was good though the, though. It was a hard speech, wasn't it? Don't say that. That sounds like he's not an actor, and he is an actor. No, I meant me. I meant me. He's been self-depreciating. So protective of the guests you are. Not of me in any way, of course. Did you enjoy doing your time as an actor?

Well, you know, I did really like it, because it was a proper play. Yeah, a really good play. And they all said to me, you're not going to start improvising, are you? Because when a comedian turns up, they think he's always going to be turning to the crowd and going, well, what do you think of that, ladies and gentlemen?

But no, I took it incredibly seriously. And three months is a good period to be in. Absolutely, yeah. And short. It was short. No interval. Yeah, exactly. And you had Mondays off, and it was, oh, right.

All the good things about acting. Time off, not very long. Yeah, yeah. It's great. You and the producers as well. I found on Wednesday night we could do it in an hour and a quarter. That's right, yeah. Right through at the gallop.

Yeah, yeah. Yes, I did do it with the producers. Yeah, that was tough. That nearly killed me, that. Two and a half hours leaping around singing and dancing on stage. I was Leo Bloom in the producers. It's a great part, though. Great part, yeah.

I loved it. I really loved doing it. Oh, and all those dancing girls. Yes, fantastic. It made you feel very cool and kind of, I mean, with the breeze, not cool. Oh, I was going to say,

it made me feel very hot. Yes, well, it would you, yes. Yeah, hot would you. You just like the heat. I do. Well, that's it. It's very quick and thingy, but can I just say again,

watch Psychoville. It's 10 o'clock. It's Thursday nights on BBC 2. Yes, do watch it. And you're proof that you can get into it. And I'll tell you what's brilliant about it, it's a lot of television is quite the same, whereas Psychoville feels really different, and well done

to you for creating that. Thank you, yeah. No, we're very pleased with it, and it is, you know, there's a lot of care going into it, and I hope that, and apparently that shows, that's great. My wife. Nah. That was the way you did it. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. He was lovely, wasn't he, Rhys? I really liked him. Yeah, we liked him. I thought he'd be violent and frightening. But no, he's a really nice chap. I look forward to seeing him again in 12 years. Have we had any feedback from what I now like to call my friends out there?

Well, we've got some great keyring stuff. You're doing readings for people from their keyrings. Well, we've had some positive responses to that. I think I could... Derek Okora can make a living out of quite simply making things up. It's cold reading, isn't it? By the way, if any fans of Derek Okora are listening, I seriously believe he does just make things up.

OK. Chrissie Cooper from London, right? This is a good one. That was my apology, just to catch any legal problems. Just to clear things up. Chrissie Cooper says, my key ring is a good one. That was my apology, just in case there's any legal problems. Just to clear things up. Chrissie Cooper says, my keyring has a pink and blue ribbon, a Guardian Angel, an England rugby motif and a trolley token.

What do you make of that? Pink and blue ribbon. So she's a bisexual sports fan. Guardian Angel. Guardian Angel. Yeah, Guardian Angel suggests that she is worried about the modern world and the way it's going. And I think

the supermarket trolley is... There's a Dale Winton theme that I'm not prepared to. England rugby motif? I think... I don't like people who like rugby. I've gone off her. Get rid of that bit. Someone you don't like. It's so harsh. you can't just dismiss someone

because they like rugby what's she called again? Chrissie Cooper I didn't mean that, Chrissie Cooper but I don't like rugby, I associate rugby with men with posh accents and thick necks going and being sexist

and generally not very pleasant if there's any rugby fans listening yes I do think that about rugby. That's another apology out of the way. I think, you know, you've got to keep an eye on not offending people. Mo's key ring is a battered red heart with most of the paint chipped off. Well, I think that kind of basically speaks for itself, doesn't it?

She's a very, very down-at-heel butcher. Specialising in awful. Frank, someone suggested a pet that I can have. Oh, go on. It's a dog called a Shiba Inu, and apparently it's like a fox. And she says, this lady, Rose, in Hertfordshire, says they make a fantastic noise called the Shiba Scream. I like the sound of that.

The Shiba Scream? Yeah. Because if you ever hear it, have you ever heard a fox scream in the night? It's dreadful. I love it. I like the sound of that. The Sheba Scream? Yeah. Because if you ever hear it, have you ever heard a fox scream in the night? It's dreadful. I love it. I love that noise. I heard one the other night going,

Help! Help! I looked out and I saw Emily getting into the boot of a car. Holding in the other hand a small velour three-piece suit on a coat hanger. I can tell you I was completely startled. And a pot of wax. Yes, indeed. A pot of wax.

I feel we've come to the end of what I like to call our teller. It's been a very different morning, but you know I love doing this show. I'd do a 24-hour charity version of this show in which every link i spoke in a different language um don't hold me to that by the way if the if the bosses of absolute um are listening it's been uh so it's been me frank skinner and uh and joe russell is coming up next so stay around for that thanks em and Em and Gareth. I don't know why I thank you for being paid. It's been beautiful. This is Green Day. No, it isn't. That was Green Day.

It's all going so well, and I've spoiled it at the very last hurdle. It's like Devon Locke in the Derby. If you don't know about that, Google it. Is it We Are The People by Empire Of The Sun, or is it Empire Of The Sun by We Are The People? I feel I know, betraying my lack of knowledge of modern music. Anyway, you just take that as an anagram of what it is.

Good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.