The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Rhod Gilbert

Episode Date: October 31, 2009

This week Frank, Emily & Gareth ask what is the best advice you have ever received? Plus Rhod Gilbert pops in for a chat.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, brackets, podcast, close brackets. I'm here with Emily and Gareth.

Hello. We've just done this, again, this weird thing where we do the show and then we come and do the introduction to the show. Yeah. Which is like marrying someone and then going out on a first date shortly afterwards. It doesn't make any sense. No. But here we are.

And Rod Gilbert was our guest today. Oh, he was fabulous. I loved him. He was very funny indeed. He's a funny man. Yeah, he is. That would explain it. And we had a sort of, I suppose you could call it a Halloween special,

in that I really slagged off Halloween and then we didn't talk about it anymore. That's right. And there were cobwebs in the studio, but that's just from where they hadn't cleaned. Yeah, exactly. And there was a pumpkin as well. I don't know if you noticed that. The candle wasn't lit, was it?

No. Well, I thought it was Judith Chalmers looking through the window at one point. But no, it was just a big round orange face. So, yeah, and I enjoyed it very much as a show. Good show. What else would I enjoy as? As a piece of kabuki Japanese theatre?

Hardly. And what else was on it that was... Our text in this week was about best advice people have been given. That was very good. Some good advice, some funny advice, some good advice. That was very good. Some good advice, some funny advice, some weird advice. Some poignant advice, thought-provoking. Was the poignant?

I missed poignant. Yeah. Is that with a silent G or with a... I think that's silent. Yeah, poignant. Yeah. Yeah, so that was the show. And, well, this is the show. It's coming up now. And I'm my guess, if I had to guess, is that you'll absolutely like it so much. It'll in a little way change your life, not massively. But at the end of it, you'll be a slightly different person from the person who went in. And I'm meaning better. So you know, that's really all we can do, isn't it? With our lives? And I think we should all congratulate ourselves for achieving that this morning.

Good day to you. Absolute Radio. They've covered the whole studio in cobwebs because it's Halloween. It looks like my bedroom in here. It looks like... I feel like I'm working in my navel. It's just thick grey cobwebs everywhere you look. Oh, there is a pumpkin as well on the... Is that the mantelpiece? I'm calling it the mantelpiece, but it's not, is it?

It's a ledge. You're a ledge, I know that much. The mantelpiece, like it's some Dickensian drawing room we're in. Well, that's what it feels like. I'm looking for Miss Havisham's wedding cake. That's what I'm looking for. It's over here next to me. Oh, God, I'm looking for. It's over here next to me. Oh, God.

Sorry, touchy subject. Anyway, of course, it is... That's the morning! And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. Good morning. Those of you who listened last week will know that Emily didn't make it because she lost her voice.

Which on radio, to be fair, is a drawback. So, Laura Solon sat in... She was lovely. She was so good. You're saying that. But while you're saying it, why are you doing those horrible V signs with your hand? I was very happy that you replaced me

with the Perrier award-winning comic who was ten years my junior, Frank. Thanks for that. Of course, that's the episode we'll be sending to the Sonys. Oh, you. No, she was very good. She won't be listening to this early in the morning, but thank you anyway, Lorna, for sitting in.

And, yeah, it's Halloween, which I'm not that bothered about. Why not? Because when I was a kid, no-one even mentioned Halloween, to be honest. And then it's a very... it's an American import, isn't it? But that's because trick-or-treating meant something quite different in Birmingham, I reckon, when you were growing up. Just nobody even knew it existed. I mean, what next? Shall we go out and drive-by shooting next year?

Because the Americans like it. I mean, what's going on? I'm not at all keen. Although I do like the fact you what I did like. I like the fact that, you know, Christopher Lee, right? You know, Christopher Lee, for years, has been trying to shrug off the Dracula thing. Gets really angry about if people mention Dracula, about being typecast and all that.

And his big moment yesterday, he got a night on it. It was the day before Halloween. So every headline is saying something like fangs for the memory. He shouted at me once, Christopher Lee. Did he? Yeah, I was having a phone conversation. Did you let a ray of sunlight into his chamber? I was walking around with a steak.

Oh, no. No, I was on the phone to him, and I was working on a TV show, and he got really cross a bit, and he went, how dare you? Really cross? Don't say that. How dare you? What did you say't say that. How dare you? What did you say to him? Is this holy water?

Get it away from me! He's very demanding like that. I can't remember he was angry about something. You took it as lunch order. It's got garlic in it, Panini. I didn't like him when he was angry. It was something somebody had said about one of the Lord of the Rings films, So what upset him? I didn't like him when he was angry. It was something somebody had said about one of the Lord of the Rings films,

which I think, was he edited out of some of it or something? I think, yeah, was he not in the main film, but only in the extended one for one of them, I think. And someone had quite unreasonably pointed this out, and he got cross about it. Yeah. What did he say to you? He just went, look, my dear, I have never been so insulted. It was one of to you? He just went, look, my dear,

I have never been so insulted. It was one of those conversations. There's lots of look, my dear. I remember going to the Lord of the Rings. When you're leaving,

I went to the premiere of the first Lord of the Rings film and they ask you for your comments on the film at the press and I really thought

it was rubbish and that's quite difficult when you know you're going to go and eat someone's gatto. You feel an obligation to be nice about the film. I just couldn't. And I said it felt like a very long night playing Dungeons & Dragons with Enya on the hi-fi.

And they never used that quote. So in a way I got my own back on sir christopher's behalf absolute radio well i tell you what i was shocked i was shocked by that did you read it at kelly brooke in today's paper saying that um anton deck had ruined her career sorry frank the cobwebs are getting in the way of my paper they are a bit yeah i know that was a bit stupid of her to say that. Why? Well, there's Ant and Dec. Ant or Dec, you don't criticise them, do you? Well, they've ruined your career.

I think you're entitled to have a go back. I think it's very... I thought they were lovely, sweet, nice little men. What were they supposed to have done? Well, she went up... You know, she was a judge on Britain's Got Talent for about, I think it was 28 minutes in the last series. And they say that she saw them backstage and said, oh, what do you two do on the show?

And they were absolutely appalled. Which is quite a page one mistake to make, I think. Yes. I suppose if they'd have said it to her, she'd have been equally offended. What do you two do on the show? How dare you? Perhaps that was it, you see. Perhaps she couldn't actually sit, because they're quite short, Ant and Dick.

Perhaps she was talking to her own breasts, and they assumed she was talking to them, because they were like under the eaves, the eaves of her breasts. Maybe it was raining that day. They sought shelter under Kelly's bust, and that's how the whole misunderstanding came about. Either way, they chased her out of town like a dog. And that was that, yeah.

I would have thought they were more easygoing about the whole thing. But I guess you get precious if you've been around as long as they have. How long have they been around? Years. Since Biker Grove. Um, years. Okay. Since Biker Grove. Oh, that's true. So, I think it's a bit of a shame,

but I think Kelly all batten's back. Oh, I mean, why? She's in Calendar Girls, isn't she? She is in Calendar Girls, yeah, but, you know, that doesn't mean it's the end, necessarily. I hope they haven't... I hope they haven't... I hope they haven't sabotaged her in some way. What do you think they might have done?

I don't know. They could have, you know, sabotaged her breasts in some way. They wouldn't do that. I'm not just going to go on about her breasts or just because we're talking about Kelly Brooks. She's got other things about her, you know. What's that then? So we had this...

No, that's not true. I've met Kelly Brooks. She's a nice, normal sort of an Essex girl. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. She's like... Would I like her, Frank? No.

But that's because she's quite attractive. Oh, how dare you be so accurate. But, you know, she's all right. She's all right. But so is Ant and Dec. Maybe I could bring them together in some way. A bit like the conciliation service ACAS. I could become some sort of ombudsman

for the next Britain's Got Talent and get them... Because I don't think celebrities should be squabbling. These are difficult times for celebrities. Isn't it bad enough that the man in the street is constantly criticising celebrities without them having a fight amongst ourselves? It's like at a football match, when you see two players from the same team squabbling, you think

oh no, come on, have a bit of solidarity. It's um, probably it was just because she wasn't very good. Well, I didn't expect you to bring that up. No, I'm assuming I'm assuming she was appalling But I think

But you have to give people She didn't seem to know where she was Well, that was part of the underdeck thing, wasn't it? It went to So, what are these people coming on the stage? No, but Are you going to sing as well? I think to be fair though

It takes a while to settle in I mean, we've all found this on this show, haven't we? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Laura Selwyn, however, last week, she just took to it like a duck to water. I've never seen anything like it. She was a phenomenon. I've never been so insulted since about ten minutes ago.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. People go on about talent as if it's the be-all and end-all. You know, you tip the twins now on a thing, don't you? Oh, yeah. Jedwood. I love that.

I'd like to see them on a fabulous stagecoach. All the Jedwood stages coming on over there with just those two sitting out in the front and Simon out of one window and one of the other people out the other. John and Edward Grimes. Yes. They sound like something from Dickens, don't they?

Why do people hate Jedward? I don't. I love him. But why do the public at large hate them? No, but don't they vote for them in their droves? I think we've recognised, I think what's happened is that we've recognised in this country that democracy can be fun. These programmes, we thought we had to vote for the best people. And then that John Sajer thing, you thought,

hold on a minute, it will really wind people up if we vote for him. And now they're doing it with Jed Wood. And Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson was a fabulous example of that. And I think it's a really good thing. People have taken over. It's people power. I hope they win it, because then they'll have to put an album out,

according to the contract, and even the people that love them, they don't want an album. That's the last thing they want. They just want to look at them jumping about in those quite big trainers. That's all they want from them. They don't want music.

But people go on and on about talent. I know some people with talent who are vile human beings. Whereas people like the twins, they're lovely. And me and Gareth. Yeah. Wasn't part of the thing with the twins is that they are a little bit vile as well, though.

Are they? They're not very nice, I don't think. I don't. Have you been speaking to the Chinese ambassador? They're quite uncouth. Oh, the Chinese ambassador complained because of the noise. Yeah, they expect the house is next door to the Chinese ambassador's house. It's like something out of a Too Ronnie sketch. The Chinese ambassador.

It's ridiculous. He hasn't ran for Ferrero Rocher. God, I would like to be around when he said that. No, it said that teenage... No, it's all right, we can edit it later. Teenage girls stand outside the X Factor thing and it said raise their tops. Yeah.

And John and Edward were standing there wearing only their boxer shorts and grabbed their crotches in the style of Michael Jackson, it said. They grabbed their... Whatches in the style of michael jackson it said they grabbed by the way um rod gilbert rod gilbert rod gilbert is our um guest today he's very funny he's proper funny i think yeah i do as. So I'm looking forward to him coming in. Not that all our guests, well, some of them aren't funny. Someone's written him a note on the board.

Yes, we'll have to get him to read that because it's in Welsh. But it looks clean to me. If you want to text us about anything, by the way, we're on 8-12-15. That number again, 8-12-15. That's so people who listen to commercial radio on a regular basis don't become afraid. I love it when you talk, DJ. Yeah, 15. That's so people who listen to commercial radio on a regular basis don't become afraid. I love it when you talk DJ. Yeah, exactly. I like it when I talk DJ as well.

We've had some nice texts so far. Frank, up here in Scotland, this is one of the texts. Frank, up here in Scotland. I know, I can see you from here. Clearly you're not up there in Scotland. Frank, up here in Scotland, we have always celebrated Halloween, but we call it going out guising, and the kids have to sing a song or tell a joke to get some sweets,

nuts or a toffee apple, etc. The Americans took it from us and sold it to the English. Well, that sounds good. I'm happy with kids. I think that's a good thing for your supper. They've taken the threat out of it, haven't they? Because they haven't said, if you don't give us some sweets, we'll set fire to your car they've said I mean I imagine every other night in Scotland is like that

but um no that's a joke oh shut up oh kill that get him out of here that's quite get him out of here yeah but I like the idea of kids singing that's a bit like carol singing exactly well it sounds a bit like carol singing. Exactly.

Well, it sounds a bit like X Factor. It does, yeah. Kids singing. Do you know what the twins to turn up? If the twins turn up, is that guising or is that trick or treat? Their threat to sing. Yeah. But that's a good idea.

Yeah. See, we didn't do anything for Halloween. By this point, we were very busy penny for a guy, and that was our thing, right? Well, actually, someone has texted in, Frank, and said, I'm with you on the trick-or-treating, Frank. We used to wait until Halloween had gone by, then do penny for the guy. Yeah, penny for the guy.

There was even people who cheated on penny for the guy. The idea with penny for the guy is you get a pair of trousers, fill it with newspaper, jumper, fill it with newspaper, jumper, fill it with newspaper, pappy and mashay head, you know what I mean? I can't bear that. I'm phobic about those guys, though. They make me feel sick.

Just those horrible loose trousers... I hate those guys. ...with the newspaper in it. It's horrible. Yeah. Anyway, so some people... Some people, they didn't even do that. You'd see them collecting. They'd have a teddy bear with a jumper on't even do that. You'd see them collecting.

They'd have a teddy bear with a jumper on. I hated that. That really annoyed me. My mum told us the story, because we were talking with Laura, and Laura hadn't heard of the stories of my mum, and I think my mum was quite rough when she was young. She used to be in a lot of fights and stuff.

What? She used to be in fights lot of fights and stuff and she said that they what are you speaking fine yeah she used to like yeah people used to try and beat her up so she'd beat up them first she had quite a reputation around slough bruiser richards yeah well it was snowball in those days her maiden name was mary snowball're joking. No, it's honestly that her maiden name was Mary Doreen Snowball. Doreen? That was the throne, eh? Well, apparently it's a Geordie name. Mary Snowball? Are you sure that wasn't her wrestling name?

Yeah, no, it sounds like that. I think in Geordieland, everyone's named after some sort of fight. Are you sure that wasn't like a Witness Protection Programme name? No.and, everyone's named after some sort of fight. That wasn't like a Witness Protection Programme name. No? Yeah, that's true. But what she said about Penny for the Guy is one year they were so poor they didn't have any stuff,

so she pretended to be the guy. Right. And if people didn't give her pennies, she head-botted them. Well, I can't believe you're such a gentle person, ain't you? oh i'm fascinated by doreen snowball yeah now mary snowball mary doreen snowball yeah oh it was a middle name well maybe we'll find more of that let's get her on absolute radio right so there was this thing in the paper, get this, right? This psychologist bloke was interviewing this person and he said that a man came to him in a dream and gave him some advice,

which turned out to be really good advice, sort of life-changing. And I think it kind of rung a bell with this psychologist that someone else had said something similar. And then someone else, a month or two later, came in and said a similar thing and he asked them to draw the person and then he asked these other two and they all drew basically the same bloke so there's this theory that um this bloke is coming to people in dreams and giving

them good advice different people right the same even though they didn't know him they didn't know each other and the drawing he looks a bit like... Do you remember Thunderbirds? Parker, who drove... Oh, yeah, the chauffeur. Yeah, yeah. He looks a bit like... So he comes up and says, Do further, my truce, when you turn and lift, me lady. And they don't.

That means he must also look a little bit like Noel Gallagher as well. He looks like a balding Noel Gallagher. He also looks like... You know, in The Golden Gun, there's the small person who... The man with the golden gun? In The Man with the Golden Gun. Let me guess, you was watching this

last Sunday afternoon. Well, I did. It was on. I only flipped across it. You mean Tic Tac? Yes. Yes. Tic Tac. Yes. He looks a bit like him. Yes. Tic Tac is... How do you describe them nowadays? Short. He's short in the extreme. He's an bit like him Yes Tic Tac is How do you describe them nowadays? Short He's short in the extreme

He's an evil villain Yes He's an evil villain But let's not Let's make it clear We don't feel that all very short people Are evil villains I'm short

I'm not evil Well you're not You're not as short as Tic Tac No No he was I mean As Lenny Bretsch used to say When you're that short

Your life is just looking at chewing gum on the bottoms of tables. But hopefully this guy isn't giving evil advice. It's been good advice, has it? Yeah, and I'm all for good advice. Oh, I love it. What's your best bit of advice? I was given a good bit of advice recently. I remember when I started out as a comic,

I went up to a very experienced comedian and I used to hang around with big, sort of those established comics, hoping that they'd give me some advice that would make me a better comic. And I remember he said to me, I'll give you a bit of advice. And I thought, oh, great, here we go.

He said, never leave your wallet in the dressing room. And you know, I never have. I don't, even if I do a TV show, I have the wallet with me in the pocket. You can't be too careful. I like it. I don't. Even if I do a TV show, I have the wallet with me in the pocket. You can't be too careful. I like it. Yeah. I always say,

never trust a man who wears sunglasses after 6pm. That's my rule. Ooh. So, that bloke from GlasVegas is completely written off. Or Roy Orbison. Yeah, or Roy Orbison.

I get it. Or Stevie Wonder, obviously. When I was coming in on the Tube this week, I got... Oh, man of the people. I got into... I was in a bit of a travel daze, you know, when you just get in, you know, you're travelling and you... And so I got on the Tube and then, without thinking at all, I... Can I say, for anyone who doesn't live in London,

the Tube is an underground railway system. Yeah. Without thinking at all I got off just after one stop I was supposed to get off low you know quite a long way down the track but I got off at the next stop I got on and then got straight back off and then as soon as I stepped onto the platform I realized what I'd done and thought like why did I do that and there was a there was tube man, one of the people who works on the tube, standing there. Did he look a bit like Parker from Thunderbirds? A little bit. And he saw this look on my face, the dawning realisation that I'd just got straight on the tube

and straight off. And I went, that is really weird. This isn't Nstoppa at all. And he goes, oh, don't worry about it, mate. There's probably some mystical reason why you weren't supposed to be on that tube train. Don't worry about it. Really? I like him.

I like. That makes a change from I'm going to chuck you under a train, which is what one of the tube blokes said, really. Can I interrupt this reverie to tell you that we've had... You can't interrupt the reverie because he's running the game, let's face it. Oh.

Apparently, it's knick-knack you're talking about, guys. We've had loads of texts and emails in. Oh, I apologise. Yeah. Just to make up for it, I'll do the whole theme tune in the voice of Lulu. He's got a powerful weapon His card is a million a shot

And it's says in second to none, the man with the golden gun. And who plays the man with the golden gun? Sir Christopher Lee. Oh, how dare you? Who really is Dracula. That's spicy. He's just Dracula. Why does he do anything else?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about good advice, weren't we? I remember another thing I got from a good, a comic, a successful comic said to me, he said, Frank, he said, I think you're going to do really well for yourself in comedy I thought, here it comes, he said, when you get a BMW, make sure it's power assisted steering anyway so what we'd like you to do is we'd like you to send in

your best advice best advice you've ever been given about any subject because I'm a great lover of advice. Sometimes advice, it's alright if it's advice that is rubbish advice. Or if you hear it from a film, my favourite one from a film is in The Princess Bride and someone says,

life is pain, princess. Anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something. I think that's really clever. I remember Laverne and Shirley. I think it was Laverne who said, never trust a man in a pinky ring. A pinky in America is a little finger. Do you know, it's really lived with me.

If I see a man in a pinky ring, I do think, oh, you know, Laverne and Shirley. Shall me or shall Marcell? Has some Pfeffer Incorporated. That's what I think. Anyway, your best advice, you got it. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio,

with Emily and Gareth. And Rod Gilbert is our guest today, but he's running late. He's not stuck in a ditch like a bird was, is he? I hope he's not stuck in a ditch. I'm saying he's only running late, though, not coming. So, you know, it's probably a cattle grid. But I'm confident he'll turn up. So we were asking people to text in on 8-12-15 for the best advice they've been given. Yeah, and we've had loads in, Frank.

We've had... One of my favourites is Liam, who's texted in, Frank, my dad said that if I ever went home with a girl and found that she had teddy bears on the bed, run. What is that, though, do you think? It's just something, there's something creepy, isn't it? Pink bedroom as well. Yeah, yeah.

If somebody was a pink bedroom, you think, oh, no, I might, at some point in future in a relationship, I might have to kill this person. Best to get out now. And a Pierrot doll as well, with one solitary tear running down its cheek. Yeah. Oh, I've got one of them.

Carry on, Gareth. Andy from Glasgow. My grandad gave me some good advice on his deathbed. He said, invest in some quality speakers. Maybe he was just going deaf, do you think? There was nothing wrong with the speakers. I'd have picked him up on it. It's true with things like that,

because if there's something in your life that always bugs you, when you reach the end, you're going to think, I wish I'd just got some decent speakers. Why didn't I just splash out? Yeah, that's brilliant, those famous last words, isn't it? Get some quality speakers. There's one I like from Zach here as well. My dad's advice to me was when

you have an affair don't tell your wife he told me this in front of my wife she didn't speak to me for three days why didn't she speak to him he hadn't said anything because that's how we operate frank of course i thought if you can have an affair telling your wife stops it from being an affair doesn't it sure the nature of an affair is it's clandestine thinginess yeah then it just becomes swinging doesn't it yeah i mean if she knows about it where's the fun in that by the way if my girlfriend's listening i'm not having an affair can i make that i'm gonna say a little insight into your mind there no but i mean it's it's interested advice if you have an affair don't tell the wife. Oh, I never thought of that.

Oh, God, I just told her straight away. I thought it'd be fine. We've also got never drink in a pub with a flat roof, which I like. Does that suggest... It means like a modern-type precinct pub. Like a horrible modern pub. And from Peter at Gosport Lifeboat,

the sea is a cruel mistress well don't tell your wife about it then that's my advice i like the sea is a cruel bitch that's poetic yeah because i like a cruel mistress i have to say especially if they pinch you know that fleshy bit just under your armpits if they if they pinch that i love know that fleshy bit just under your armpits, if they pinched that. I love that. Have we had anything else in from the... Yeah, we had a really good email. Sorry, I'm stalling for time

because I'm trying to find it. Oh, here we go. I love it. He hasn't left his name and I wish he would because it's my favourite one. He says, my dad always told me that electricity was a wonderful servant but a terrible master. He says, my dad always told me that electricity was a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. Is he a torturer?

His dad. Oh, that's fabulous. I'll tell you what I discovered. I always like to learn something every day. You know, they say every day is a school day. It's important to me to get a new fact every day. And you know, when Lord Nelson died, right, what was his last words? He said, kiss me, Hardy.

Ah, well that's what I thought he was saying. I thought he said kiss me, Hardy. But I read this week, he actually said kismet, Hardy. Kismet is like an eastern word for fake. Do you want a kebab? Yeah. So he meant fake, you know, these things happen was basically his last words.

But this bloke who heard it didn't know the word kismet, meaning fake. So he thought he said kiss me hardy. So he went away and spread all these stories about Lord Nelson being a bit of a deathbed snogger. Well, that's changed history because I always thought that was vaguely homoerotic. Yes, I always thought that. It must have been weird if you saw someone, you thought he said kiss me, and then the guy just let him die and didn't kiss him. Yeah.

You must have thought, well, you know, he's dying, you could have kissed him. Yeah. Isn't anyone going to kiss him? You'd think that hard, he's a cold fish. That's what you'd have thought. My favourite ever last words is, there was an actor called David Garrick, sort of 18th century actor, and his last, famous last words was, Dear, oh, dear.

I think everybody should go out on that one. Oh, dear, oh, dear. But, you know, everyone also, everyone said that Marie Antoinette said, Let them eat cake, and she didn't. She said, Let them eat brioche, which I say often, to be honest. Yeah. What is brioche? Oh, Frank, you're not coming round to mind if you don't know what brioche which i say often to be honest yeah what is brioche oh frank you're not coming around to mind if you don't know what brioche is it's a it's a french bread sweet bread

sweet bread oh okay it's got chocolate chips so she basically meant let them eat cake no because i assume whatever she said was in french anyway so she never said let them eat cake unless she said it in english so that they didn't get it. It was practical advice. Yeah. Well, I don't know. It does not surprise me that Emily Dean is on air defending Marie Antoinette, because

in many ways, she's your spiritual template. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Is there a woman who's in the newspapers more than Lily Allen? No, is the answer. I don't want you to text it.

That's not this week's thing. Rod Gilbert has arrived. Can I say that? Oh, can I talk now? I was holding my breath there for that. Yes, yes. Feel free to talk. I was about to reel off a list of women

that have been in the newspaper more than Lily Allen, but I thought I hadn't been introduced yet. I can't say anything. How awkward is this? I'm sorry. Jordan? Well, I don't know. You see, I think Lily Allen has overtaken her.

Well, Margaret Thatcher? Chinese ambassador. Chinese ambassador. Is that a woman? I believe so. Oh, okay. I believe so. You can't...

I think you have to know before you get into this debate. Hang on a minute. That dog off the... Oh, no. No. No, I've gone wrong there. He's not a woman. Sorry, I've only just met you and I've already insulted you. Well, honestly...

Who's next? So, Rod, welcome to the show. Thank you. And you're on tour at the moment. I am. I just wanted to say that because you look like you're... You look a bit casual. I'm on tour at the moment. I am. I just wanted to say that because you look like you're... You look a bit casual. I'm on tour at the moment, yes.

And just in case anyone wants to see Rod, who is hilariously fine... Just in case anyone wants to see him? Well, obviously. What sort of way of that is plugging my door? Just in case anyone can be bothered. It's a ramp. See, it's a ramp towards adulation. You have to start somewhere.

I have to leave myself somewhere to go, I'm praising you. That's the first time anyone's said that. Oh, it's normally, get out and see Rodgill, but he's about, no, just in case anyone wants to see him. He's a bit tetchy, Rod. I had no idea. People, you said he was very relaxed and laid back, Gary. Did you? God, I thought you were thinking. relaxed and like that, Gareth.

Did you? God, I thought you were thinking. So, um, so if they want to do that, you're everywhere. On the off chance. If they're not doing anything else. If there is anybody listening out there,

it's at a loose end. And has a weird aberration one night. Exactly. If you're wandering the streets in your pyjamas, forgotten your way home, why not pop in? Just check the posters. Yeah, no, I'm all over the place.

It's the usual touring thing. I'm like a ping-pong ball. What do you call it? No, not a ping-pong ball. What's that thing they use when you're all over the country? Oh, um... You know, ping-pong. Yeah, pinball. Bagatelle, I was thinking.

But that adapts me somewhat. Can you still get bagatelles? Do you know, I know the name. I know the word, but it's so old I don't even know what it is. It was basically a pinball machine that wasn't a machine. It was just like a flat thing with a spring where you just fight. It was pinball, though. An early version of pre-electronic. Yes, it was Bakelite.

Yeah, yeah. But it was a fun game. It's a great word, though, Bagatelle, isn't it? Oh, yeah, I love it So I first discovered you, right? I discovered you late I watched you on the Royal Variety performance Oh, yeah

And if I may say so, and now I am going to move up a ramp You were brilliant Oh, look out, here it comes Yeah, I loved it I absolutely loved it It was a relief Waiting all morning for it It was a Yeah, I loved it. I absolutely loved it. That was a relief. Waiting all morning for that. That was a relief.

I wasn't sure if it was coming. I particularly noticed it because I did the Ra Variety performance and completely died when I did it. So it was seeing somebody do well. It's a weird one, isn't it? I mean, were you warned before you got there that it can be a tough character? No. Oh, were you not?

No. I was warned that it can be really tough and that a lot of people die not. No. I was warned that they can be really tough and that a lot of people die. They're comedians. Because they're not a comedy audience, you know. Not at all. They're sort of all these... Well, they're all in from Essex, aren't they?

They are. They're all people. There was a woman in the front row who had, like, a Diamante tiger on a black sweatshirt. I love that sweatshirt. How dare you? Yeah. But no, they just looked at me in a very...

Oh, no, I don't know who you are well i took a gamble i took a gamble which was to you know to take on prince charles early doors in my set and it was a gamble if it hadn't worked i think i'd be in real trouble but it worked it really worked and the kind of audience was looking at him and he was laughing they were thinking oh it's all right if he's laughing i can laugh and and that sort of all of a sudden i had a bit of wind beneath my wings and i was off you know it's like when you're on stage, all you need is that little initial, you know. Well, it's like batting, you need a bit of luck early on.

Yeah, that's it, and I did, my bit of luck was to take that gamble and have a little bit of a, not a pop, a word with Prince Charles. Yeah. About parking his car outside my house. And did you have the proverbial line-up and handshake? Yeah. Who was you next to? Yeah.

Do you remember? I think I was next to Tarby. I think I was around Tarby all day. Was it 1966 that you did this? Well, variety performance. Was it your stand-in in case anything happened to you at any point? Listen, I won't have a word said against Darby. I don't think we've said a word against him.

We've said he's been around a long time. Well, that in itself. He was great, actually. No, I think I was next to him. I was around him all day, it seems, pretty much. I don't know why. I was sharing a dressing room with him. That's what it was.

And it was him because it was he... It was myself and McIntyre, Michael McIntyre, Jimmy Carr and Jimmy Tarbuck in one dressing room with him. That's what it was. And it was him because it was he, it was myself and McIntyre, Michael McIntyre, Jimmy Carr and Jimmy Tarbuck in one dressing room. And I kind of said that I had this plan of, you know, sort of tackling Prince Charles and having a bit of a word with him, which I don't think anybody's ever really done. No. And Michael McIntyre said, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Oh, that's a good impression there. Don't do it. Whatever you do, don't do it. It's madness. There's eight million people watching.

If that goes wrong, you're in real trouble. Yeah. And Jimmy Tarbuck just said, go for it, go for it. No, does he talk like that? Ho, ho, ho, ho. No, he's a scout. Yeah, you do it. You do it. I saw a lot in dinner.

Ho, ho. He said, don't eat more scald. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. He spelled out, go for it. He did. Pretty much, that's what he did. And he told me to go for it. Go, you know, go for it. He did. Pretty much, that's what he did. And he told me to go for it. Go, you know, go for it and have fun and, yeah, do it and stuff.

And I did. And it seemed to work. So, thank you, Tarby. Well, yeah. If you're listening, Tarby. Yeah. Who knows? On the off chance you might be listening to this show.

Well, he could have his earphones in on the golf course. Absolute. Radio. I'm loving Rod Gilbert and happily, he's in the studio. What about that? Here I am. Yeah. See, if this was a, you know, I should have, where's the applause and things like that?

Oh, darn it. You know, that's all you need, isn't it? Whey! It's not that much. It's not the tennis. It's too much the other way. I just wanted you, I just wanted you, the gang in here, to go, yeah, you know, like they do on...

We don't do that. No, we don't like that. It's too early Saturday morning, isn't it? I think there's something odd about applauding people when they come into a room. You don't normally do that at home, do you? It's not a habit. I don't want to get into that habit. Do you not do that when you have guests?

Maybe sometimes in a lift, just to unnerve people. So as well as the tour, Roddy's on tour at the moment moment if you didn't get that bit, I recommend you go see him. Oh, look, I've gone up in the world. You've also got a DVD out. Well, it's out in November. It's on pre-order, they call it at the moment.

I didn't know what that was, but it means you can buy it before it's out somehow. And then it comes out on November the 16th, I believe. And what's it called? Should anybody be interested in that kind of merchandise? To happen to be popping past the shop? Why not? I heartily recommend it

as a Christmas gift. What about that? You've gone crazy. I know, yeah. You slowly won me over. I wasn't sure at first, I'll be honest. I'm not sure I like all this eulogising. Oh, don't worry, it won't last. So your current show is called My Cat Looks Like Nicholas Lindhurst. Oh, it's not quite called that. That would be a ridiculous title. What's it called? It's called Rod Gilbert and the Cat That Looked Like Nicholas Lindhurst. Okay. My Cat Looks

Like Nicholas Lindhurst. That's so much of a better title than mine. Oh, well, does your cat look like Nicholas Lindhurst? I can't change mine. I've done the posters and everything now. I can't change it. Well, next time, call me, Rod, will you? I will, when I'm brainstorming titles. Yeah, you go off ahead without me

and then this is what happens. It's called Rod Gilbert and the Cat that Look Like Nicholas Lindis and I cannot tell you about the cat. No, of course not, but I think it's a nice teaser.

It is a nice teaser. Well, that's the thing. People are going to, you know, it does pique people's curiosity. So if you want to find out about that. I imagine he's very bitter, Nicholas Lindhurst,

do you? Do you know, I wonder if he's heard about it. Yeah. I saw it in your face then. I saw your face, I saw that slight raised eyebrow, physical look, and you just looked at me and thought, of course he hasn't heard about your little show. I bet you Nicholas Lindhurst has got Google Alerts. Right, so any

mention of him in the press comes up immediately. Do you do that? No, God, no. Come on. I would never do that in a million years. Do you do that, Rod? No. Oh, you so do. I do.

You so do. No, I don't. How come I'm the victim all of a sudden? Because you bought the suit off. I was having a pop-up phone. Hang on. You knew the term Google Alerts. I didn't even know that.

That's why I asked you is because I'd never even heard that term. The reason I know that is because I interviewed Russell Brand recently and he said to me, I read in your book that you don't read reviews, he said, how do you resist that? He said, if there's anything in the paper about me I need to know, he said, I have Google Alerts, Russell Brand,

so anything that comes up I know immediately. Really? Yeah. What does he do? When does he sleep? He's just constant Google Alerts, isn't he? I imagine during the Jonathan Rostick, his phone must have been smould just constant Google Alerts. Imagine during the Jonathan Ross thing, his phone must have been smouldered

with Google Alerts. It's fine for us, one a year. Hello. So you do read my reviews? No, I don't read my reviews. Actually, I do read my reviews, but I do I don't. Oh, well, is this a multiple choice answer? I do, I don't. Do you mean you can't read?

I don't read them when they come up. You write't read? I don't read them when they come out. You write your reviews. I don't read them immediately. I read them when a period of time has elapsed that allows me to sort of reflect on them properly. So I won't read them, like in Edinburgh Festival, for example. I don't read them while I'm there because it's too much of a cold and it's too intense

and they have too much impact on you. But then I'll read them six months later when it's kind of water off a duck's back and you just go, ah. And how do you find them six months later? Do you cut them out and put them in a scrapbook with your eyes shut? No, I don't cut them out and put them in a scrapbook.

My mother does. Ah. My mother cuts them out and puts them in a scrapbook. So you go around there. Although she does miss quite a lot of stuff because I went... Well, she's not Google Alert, Rod. Come on.

Last year, she is in her 70s, bless her, and they've only just got the internet, but last year I went round and she said, this is my scrap Alert, Rob. Come on. Last year, she is in her 70s, bless her, and they've only just got the internet, but last year I went round and she said, this is my scrapbook, and there were two. It was one picture and one review. Stuff that had been in Best Magazine. Pick me up. Well, I mean, that might have been an exhaustive cover,

if we don't know, Rob. They're terrible. I can't... They affect me too much. Any negative. Anything negative. It doesn't matter how much positive there is. If there's one little negative thing,

which there often is, let's face it. No, I'm exactly the same. Terrible. Will you go away from here today and think, that thing he said about if anyone's interested, did he mean that? Was that some sort of thing? No, I...

Oh, you won't? To be honest with you, nobody's ever bigged it up that much. I thought, you know, in the light of your reviews, it was praising me. That's what I thought. Please, can you give me one star, Frank? It'll be my first. Can I say, before we move on, I don't want to get lost in the irony of this.

Rod is a very, very, very funny comic. You can't say that. That's not going to work now, Frank. It's true, honestly. It looks like you're trying too hard now. Nobody's going to believe that. They'll all think I'm rubbish. I'm opening my heart. Rod Gilbert is funny. I'm prepared to be quoted on that. I can't believe it's turned into this. I'm opening my heart. Rod Gilbert is funny. No, he really is. I insist.

No, it really is! I insist! I suggest you go out, watch him on tour, where he's everywhere at the moment. Oh, he's everywhere. His new tour, which is called Nicholas Lindhurst Ate My Cat. And buy his new DVD, which you don't even know what that is.

That's called Rod Gilbert and the Award-Winning Mince Pie. Or My Mince Pie Looks Like Rod Gilbert to you. Or You Look Like My Mince Pie. Nicholas Lindhurst Ate My Mince Pie. Yeah, my mince pie looks like Rod Gilbert to you. Or you look like my mince pie. Nicholas Lindhurst ain't my mince pie. Yeah, that's next year's show. Look out.

Well, Rod, this is all we've got with you because you were a bit late. Oh, I was a bit late. I know. That's because I had a Spanish taxi driver who'd insisted on turning left

when his sat-nav was saying go straight on. I hate it when they do that. I know. It's a Spanish thing, though. I don't quite work that. Is it? Yeah.

Racist, Frank. It's a Spanish thing, though. I don't quite work that. Is it? Yeah. Racist, Frank. It's a Spanish thing, yeah. Tapas. Tapas and insisting on turning left when your son-in-law says straight on. Very Spanish. It's not that vindictive as racism goes. The urge to turn left.

Rod Gilbert. Thank you very much, Rod. Pleasure. I do mean it. I'm going to go further. Hilarious. Oh, no, no. That Pleasure. I do mean it. I'm going to go further. Hilarious. Oh, no, no, that's it. You've blown it.

Absolute. Radio. Rod Gilbert hasn't gone. We couldn't get rid of him. He's gone. I was supposed to leave. We said goodbye, didn't we? I hate it when you say the big goodbyes and then people stay.

Oh, it's embarrassing, isn't it? It's like when you've met someone on holiday and you do a big emotional farewell at the airport and then they're at the taxi rank next to you. Oh, you don't know what to... I don't want to speak to them now. I know you said goodbye to me in the last link, but I thought, it's raining out there and I've got up early for this. After two hours sleep, I'm staying round.

Well, you didn't get up that early. Plus, you've been bombarded with texts and messages asking me to stay. We had one. We did that. We had one. We had one, Ron. Yeah, but it was from somebody important. Yes, you. Don't get what you didn't notice.

Now, there is, we should say there is a message. There's a message. We have a whiteboard in the studio where, you won't believe this, but they've written 8-12-15, so I don't forget the text number, right, because I have done before. But underneath it, what does that say, Rod? It says, Bore da Rod, Croeso,

Golden Square, Cariad, Polly. Yes. Yeah. Obviously we've switched all the letters round. Am I going to make sense of that? It means, good morning, Rod, welcome to Golden Square, love, Polly. That's nice. Isn't that nice? And I didn't notice that until, well, just now. Now, I said to these two this morning, wouldn't it be brilliant to do

a Rod Gilbert interview where we don't mention Wales at all? But I don't think it worked, did it? I don't think it quite worked. We've got Kim very close, though. Yeah. Because this isn't the interview, this is the post-interview chat. No, this is the interview annex. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. This is the appendix to the interview. I'll tell you what we could do now. We could... The appendix? Yeah.

You're fired. That would be good, wouldn't it, if it was a programme about having your appendix. How do they fire people before they've even employed them? Have you wondered that? That's a very good point. That's a good point. Yeah it, if it was a programme about having your appendix. How do they fire people before they've even employed them? Have you wondered that? That's a very good point. Surely that's against some kind of EU employment. You can't just look at somebody in an interview and go,

you're fired, I haven't even got the job yet. Maybe I didn't even want it. Could you claim redundancy pay? I don't know, exactly, yeah. I'll take that holiday pay woman. It's weird, isn't it? The cart's before the horse on that programme you're not hired

he's not quite as punchy though don't call us we'll call you or he'll suddenly go well we've seen some other people we'll get in touch with you by next Tuesday

I mean that would be a rubbish catchphrase it's not catchy enough is it it's not brutal enough or catchy enough it's not punchy that's the trouble with it take a seat outside we'll get back to you It's not catchy enough, is it? It's not brutal enough or catchy enough. It's not punchy.

That's the trouble with it. Take a seat outside. We'll get back to you. No, it's got to be punchy, yeah. You're fired. See why they've done it. I can't remember. Where did we get to the appendixes from?

Oh, I don't know. Oh, because you said you didn't want to... You were hoping to do an interview with me without mentioning where. I said, well, this isn't the interview. The interview finished. You said goodbye to me. I refused to go, so this is the appendix to the interview.

Thank God you're here. And one person asked for you to stay. And one person insisted I stay. Maybe we should take advantage of this. We can pull apart the interview now, Rod. You can give us a debriefing. That would be another great part of The Apprentice.

I haven't seen the programme well enough. I've just seen that bit where he goes, you're fired. It just occurred to me. That's all I've seen. Is it? That's the only bit I watch. Yeah. You're fired. I don't want to watch any more than that.

So did you think it was all right, the interview? I was a bit worried that you felt I was lukewarm early on. We deconstruct it now. If you weren't here... Oh, we are doing it, are we? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise it. Oh, well, it was definitely lukewarm. There's no other way of describing your opening sentence

of Rod's on tour at the moment So, if you're interested in going along to see that If only I had instant play That wasn't me yawning in the moment there, that was an impression of Frank, wasn't it? I know that If you're interested in going along to see that Well, I thought you were brilliant on Nevermind the Buscocks, right? Oh, I thought you were going to say The Royal Variety I thought, we've been through all this, haven't we? Well, I thought you were brilliant on Never Mind the Buscocks, right? Oh, I thought you were going to say The Royal Variety.

I thought, we've been through all this, haven't we? Well, you press rewind. It's a bit of déjà vu. Thank you. And has yours gone out yet? Yeah. How was it? Brilliant.

It was brilliant. Was it? You haven't done the right thing. You're meant to say. See, again, you've just come in too hard. You've just come in too hard. He said it was brilliant. I believed him. He went, it was brilliant. Everybody've just come in too hard. He said it was brilliant. I believed him.

You went, it was brilliant. Everybody back off. Leave Frank alone. He's not rubbish. Yeah, and he doesn't read reviews, so just let it go. He'll never find out until he goes down Rod's mums in six months' time. Exactly. Too defensive.

He was brilliant. I believed him. I believed he was brilliant. I was being ironic. That's the irony. So anyway, Rod, again... It's all so confusing. Again, it's been great to see you.

Am I off again? You're off again now. I don't think you'll be able to come back on Lucio's show, but who knows? Not even if one person floods the email system. Anyway, Rod is on tour at the moment. You can get his new DVD November 18th. Not you must get it, you can get it. If you've got to.

It's possible. You know, if you have to, you can. Thank you very much, Rod. Pleasure. And good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.