The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Richard Herring

Episode Date: May 8, 2010

Frank, Emily & Gareth talk elections, Room 101 and a recent experience involving The Fall.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Goodness, that was England's Bleeding by Robinson. Wow. Nick Robinson, political commentator. I hope it was him. I love Nick Robinson with his...

I tell you what I like about... This is Frank Skin on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth, by the way, in case you're trying to find Simon Mayo on your dial. I wouldn't want to find him on mine. Yeah, Nick Robinson is the BBC political guy. What I like about Nick Robinson is he's gone bald the way bald people should go bald. Yeah.

Nowadays, if people start to go bald, they think, oh, I can nick this in the bud. They shave the rest of their head thinking that no one will notice. They Vin Diesel it. Yeah, whereas Nick Robinson, he's gone bald like people used to go bald when I was a child. He's just got that bit of hair around the ears, around the back. That's what I'd always do. And he wears glasses.

He looks like Philip Larkin, the poet. And I imagine him at home eating white bread sandwiches and stuff like that, Nick Robinson. He's got a certain lovely 1950s English squalor he has anyway that's uh the nick robinson section out the way we've been working on that now for what two weeks and i think it went quite well i mean i i don't want to do a debriefing here on there'll be be notes. Gareth, I thought... Well, I didn't say anything. No, I know. Well, that was... Yeah, that was what we agreed. So that was... That was good, but I'm happy

with that. That's the election special. My role was inspiration, I like to think, as it so often is. Anyway... Hold on a minute. That's the morning! Do you feel better now? Yes. So now you've contributed in quite a big way. That was a recording, I should add.

Yeah. Just can I... I've got a new jingle. You haven't. I have. I haven't actually tried it out yet. I just said to Emma, the producer, can you get me... I said, can you get me...

What I regard as one of the most uplifting pieces... We can do that in the edit. One of the most uplifting pieces of music I've ever heard. And what it is, it's the trombone intro to those magnificent men in their flying machines. Oh, I love that film! There's something about, you know, if you could play the trombone, once you get, if you've got

that kind of lubricity, lubricicity, if you've got the slide going like that. I can't speak yet, but I'm working my way into it. Can I hear your trombone? Here we go. I love it. I love it. For us, there are people

here who think that an enormous wasp is trapped in the hallway. I can see Louis Spence doing a few leg kicks to that. Yes. He'd enjoy that. Louis Spence, part dolphin. Louis Spence doing a few leg kicks to that. Yes. He'd enjoy that. Louis Spence, part dolphin. Louis Spence. He can actually communicate, apparently, with the poor poises. Not many people know that.

If you want to give us a text this morning, we wish you would, otherwise we'll feel desolate. Yeah. And we're on 8-12-15. That's 8-12-15. I think I said... So that's the election. Is there anything to say about the election that hasn't been said?

Well, yes, there is. How awful do all these people look? Gordon Brown. I mean, they look awful. They haven't slept for about three days, any of them. Yeah, so guess what? If you haven't slept, don't tong your hair and blow-dry it in order to make you look... That's not going to fool us, because your face looks more haggard. Yeah don't tong your hair and blow-dry it in order to make you look...

That's not going to fool us, because your face looks more haggard. Yeah. They've had too much blow-drying. He looks like Subo, Gordon Brown. He looks awful. Well, I don't think looking like Subo I'd normally equate with looking awful. I don't know what you mean by that. Liar! Liar! No, but I love the idea that when they're big moment, they haven't slept for three days. They do look... Even Nick Clegg was that sort of boy

he looks terrible pink eyed and Gordon who started off looking like someone who hasn't slept for a week has now topped that up to a level where he looks like a cadaver he looks like someone has opened a drawer at a morgue and said what do you think

also you shouldn't make decisions do you think? Also, you shouldn't make decisions when you feel like that. Well, when you look like that. If you're really tired. You shouldn't make decisions if you're ugly. Is that your general point of view? Pretty much. I'd agree with that. Well, Lemby, oh, picky, he lost his seat.

Oh, that's a shame. He'll be laughing on the other side of his face. Actually, he won't. He'll still be laughing on that. Do you think he'll do well with the sort of lap his face and actually he won't he'll still be laughing on that do you think he'll do well with the lap dancer I think he's got a head like a banana is what I think, if you want to know what I think if you want my political analysis well Gabriella Cheeky

was there to support her is that her actual surname? well that's what they call her, it's Imriria or something oh very dead Frank but yeah, Gabriella Cheeky said when he lost his seat that it shouldn't have been allowed to happen. That's what she said. She's trying to tear down the whole democratic process.

What is she referring to? What? Him being voted out or just the whole thing? I think probably their physical relationship. I think she's finally come round to what most of us thought about that relationship. Yes, I like the fact that his former fiancée turned up. Richard Herring

is our guest today. That's got nothing to do with the Cheeky Girls. No, I've just got a bit of paper. If you put a bit of paper in front of me, I'll basically read it. Okay, wait a minute. I'm just going to... Gareth, that's the right write now, this could take hours. This could take some time.

Yeah, Richard Herring is Dog Man. Wow, it works. Yeah. Why did you write Dog Man? Is that some comment about Richard Herring? Is that what you're saying? Just to see if you'd say it. OK, well, I did say it.

Good job it wasn't any ruder than that. Now, Richard is plugging his new book, which, according to the front cover, is really, really funny. Oh, yes. It says, really, really funny Frank Skinner. Yeah. So, have you read that book? Music, I think.

Absolute. Radio. Gordon Brown Brown he must feel I think it's something if David Cameron is going to go I really don't understand what's happening I missed the election I was in Norwich Don't they vote there? There was a bloke with a handcart

shouting bring out your dead I missed it, I didn't watch any of the coverage like a handcart shouting, bring it out, you're dead. But, yes, I missed it. I didn't watch any of the coverage. A really weird thing that happened. But Gordon Brown, if David Cameron is next, if I was Gordon Brown now and I'm in number 10 down the street,

I mean, you're not going to be cleaning the cooker. Do you know what I mean? No, you're so not. If you drop anything on the floor, oh, look, the baby's dropped a pizza on the floor. So what? Baby's dropped a pizza? It's not Birmingham.

It's Scottish, isn't it? The baby's dropped a bottle of sherry. What I would do is I would swap, you know the button that they've got to press for all the nuclear weapons? Yeah. I would swap that with the light switch. So when David Cameron comes in, the first thing he does is press the nuclear button. And that would be good, would it?

See him deal with that. I like your view of how things work. There's one big red button. Yeah, where is it aimed as well, that thing? It's all right just pressing the button, but you could take out China. Did you vote, though, Frank? I did a postal vote, because I knew I wouldn't be around.

Which is not as exciting. You don't get to go into a local primary school. It's very organised of you there. Well done. Very responsible. There's no smell of urine. You don't get the little black crayon, which I've never understood that.

Why is it a black crayon? You know, the little black... When you vote, you'd think you'd get a biro nowadays. You'd get, like, little black cray'd get Nick Little Black Crow. Nick Robinson, when he goes in, it is the 1950s. He's got the bald hair thing. Bald hair. And he's got the Little Black Crow. Yeah. I think he might

have been... Was he part of the Ten Rillington Place story? He looks like... He does look like that. He could have been a serial killer in the 50s. I can imagine the slight smell of gas about him and a suspicious matchbox. I like it when you talk the next day about how you voted and then the people say

oh I'd rather not discuss it. And you think, yeah because you're basically ashamed because you voted Conservative. Can I point out to our listeners, we don't care what you voted as long as you were happy about it. As long as you voted? Well I don't care if you didn't vote to be honest. What difference does it make? When I got it there you go listeners yeah when i got into the booth i suddenly realized i wasn't 100 sure what to do i was faced with the thing and then thought oh why doesn't that

surprise me were you looking for the toilet roll oh did you vote in the end or did you just stand? I made my mark. That's good on you. I did vote, but I did tactical voting and now I regret it. Oh, just go by what address they have, because they have that little address where they live. And I go by how nice the road is. That's fine. So you did vote Conservative.

No, I didn't. Is that so you can go for a last-minute chat if you're not sure? I think you should be. Who would put their address in a booth with a black pencil in it? With me in it, particularly if they're male, in the North London area. God, they must get people just turning up. I remember when I was a youth, I just started work, there was the electric strikers, was it electric strikers?

The electric workers were on strike. Oh, yeah. And when they went on strike, we had to have days off work because there was no power at all. And Labour, in order to get people to vote Labour, they had a slogan that said, vote for Ted, have three days in bed, because you wouldn't be able to work. I remember seeing that and thinking, oh, really?

He sounds good. I like the sound of Ted. You used to have about seven days in bed, though, didn't you? That's the glory day. Anyway, that's enough about the stupid election. All this build-up to an election and then there is an... It reminds me of when West Brom got promoted once and I knew they'd got promoted

because I was just parking outside the chip shop by the ground and they announced that Sheffield United had I think drawn with Blackpool and that meant that we'd got promotion. It was oh, there was no stream, there was no big exciting end of game, that was it and that's what this is like.

Absolute Radio It's human by Killers. Are we human or are we dancers? that song about louis spence he's a guest in a few weeks time oh my goodness i know i'm so excited we don't normally plug the guests i often forget to plug them on the show but this is about three weeks so we've actually got the red carpet out haven't we for, for real? Welcome to Palliapo. I thought he'd turn up early for a second there. I thought Yoda

was here. Okay. I hope you just met the voice and not the appearance. Well, exactly. We had an email in this week. Did we? Yes, we did. It was about you, Frank.

I would hope so. It It was about you, Frank. I mean, you know, I would hope so. It's you, you, you. Whilst avoiding the electoral coverage this week, I found an old episode of Room 101, which featured Frank. He tried to commit the following to Room 101. Action man. Jokes which go down the toilet. Meat tubes in School Dinners.

Oh, I remember that. I loved it. Meat Tubes? Yeah. We'll get to Tubes. You get veins and stuff. So you can actually... I said sometimes you've got to make a meat harmonica

at a school dinner. There's so many tubes and arteries in it. Oh, no. The film Sophie's Choice. Oh, yes. That was... yes. And Shakespeare. It was Sophie's Choice. Oh, yes. That was, yes. And Shakespeare. It was actually Jokes in Shakespeare,

which I've always, I've felt never, yeah, that was, that was, oh, man, I think that was 1947. They still had

rationing. Anyway, 47, just before apartheid came in, I remember, because I tried, I tried to put apartheid into

Room 101 and I couldn't have it because it hadn't yet formally been coming to power. Well, that was from James, and he says, would Frank change any of his choices, and what would Emily and Gareth try to commit to Oblivion? So would you change any of your choices? Well, probably, because, you know, one evolves. I think you'll agree.

I, or if you're Lewis Branch you revolve it's similar I'd probably put in one thing that gets on my nerves a lot and I think is a lot of waste of time is post-match interviews in football oh ok I've probably watched about

80,000 post-match interviews and I can think of three in which anything significant was said. The only one that's ever been anywhere, it's nothing to do with football, Ronnie Woolworth, who's a footballer who played for West Bromwich Albion, and he'd been out at the game for a while because he was in a nightclub and he was with this woman

and her ex-boyfriend turned up and stabbed Ronnie eight times. And they asked him, you know, they said, well, God, what was that like? And he said, well, obviously I was a bit disappointed. That's all he says. Which is the most football thing. But usually they say nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Why bother with them?

Why have players standing? It's just eating to the sponsors behind them, nothing, nothing. Why bother with them? Why have players standing, just say it to the sponsors behind them, that's all. And they're always holding a wash bag and a kind of, you know, two iron shirt as well. I always think these, you know, they're paid to be sportsmen to do physical things. Why get them to speak? We don't want to hear these people speak. No, and when

they wear baseball caps sometimes and speak, sometimes they'll have headphones on and stuff. I mean, who do they think they are, these people? Do you know what I hate? Jazz, obviously, I'd put in. I've got some. Oh, jazz. Oh, yeah.

I think jazz should be. Jazz is awful. When you get your list of what to put in 101, that should be in ink. That should be already printed in. I hate those women going... Oh, I can't bear that. Yeah, those solos.

And you think, oh, I'm going to be whistling that all night when I leave this club. Why does that exist, Jess? Oh, it's awful. Just so people with small beards can listen to this bit when it goes... It's for the Lib Dems. Yeah. I'll tell you what I hate.

Cats in photographs. Like any photographs of cats. Never go on Nice Face. That is my advice. I just don't like... I just think they're not very photogenic. And they always look really ugly. And their eyes are like big saucers.

And they always look really nervy. I don't like when you get that. You know when you take... Sometimes you get a photo and you've got red eyes on you. Yeah. That red eye. Yeah. But I used... When we get a photo and you've got red eyes on you, that red eye. Yeah. But I used,

when we had Shep, the staff at Chibaltieri, he was in every photo our family ever took. His eyes used to go blue, bright blue. I mean like absolute sky blue eyes. So there'd be me with the red eye,

I always get the red eye because apparently I have a flat retina. Oh. And if you do that. I'm not ashamed to say that on the radio. And, I was very brave. Yeah, It was a bit like when Matthew Paris outed Peter Mandelson there for the flat retina scandal. Flat retina gate. Dogs, they shine blue as if there's something mystical and sky-like in them. What do you hate, Gareth?

mystical and sky-like in them. Yeah? What do you hate, Gareth? I hate lateness. You can't put lateness in Room 101. No, that's really what I want. It's a vague concept. You can put what you want. It's like putting apprehension in Room 101.

Well, I'm very apprehensive about being late. I don't like being late. Guile, I'm going to put it. Guile? Guile, yeah. And steadfastness. Steadfastness is good. Yeah, but I've gone off.

It's too many syllables. I'd rather someone was a bit flaky. Oh, my God. Someone's put sugar in my tea. Sorry. I'm terribly sorry about this. It's a council house moment for Emily Dean, which doesn't happen that often.

I think you should have put sterilised milk in it. You should have probably had a heart seizure. Have you ever drunk sterilised milk? What is it? It's a bit like the early forerunner of UHT. It used to last a long time. You know, they say you can leave normal

milk in the fridge for like five or six days. You could leave sterilised milk in your will. It lasted so long. and it just tasted like white water i used to raft on it on a regular basis anyway if you want to text us that'd be lovely although otherwise it'll just be like this for the whole show and i'll tell you what i'd like to know i'd like to know what uh our listeners would put in room 101. Oh, yeah, that's good, yeah. The more unusual and odd, but things that really wind you up.

That's the morning! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. And the entrants to Room 101 are flooding in. Entrance, what? Yes, OK. The jelly off a pork pie. In Room 101?

Yeah. I'm well on board with that. I hate that. I think there are things that could be removed from a pork pie. I agree with you. I don't like the whole... I like pork pies generally, but I... It's the outer.

You know the outer on the bottom of the pork pie? There's always a slippery, greasy... A bit Subo Shoe. Sometimes you can barely... Isn't it, though? Subo Shoe. Subo Shoe. shoes you think that's why it's like one of the inside of the outside wow both really you mean like a shoe that she would

wear yeah not a pastry she would make i i imagine that um she's in many ways like a pork pie yeah i think you know she's smell no i think... Inside, she's got a solid goodness, a goodness about her. But, yeah, I imagine a certain, yeah, a certain lardy sort of slime. Crusty exterior. But I mean... What did you say? But I mean, much, much loved. I imagine, I can imagine her with the trellis top.

You know, sometimes you get a trellis top on a pork pie, so you can see the meat through it. I'd like to see her. Could do with some ketchup. Kind of. No, I won't tolerate ketchup. Can we stop talking about pork pies? Anyway, so that's the first.

It's so on me. Who was that from, sorry? This is from 283, last three digits, no name. You always read out last three digits. I like last three digits. Yeah, what I like about it is the fact that someone has sent that in anonymously. Well, I'm not keen on the jelly on a pork pie,

but I don't want any trouble, if you know what I'm saying. I don't want anyone, you know, I don't want dog mess through the letterbox. Big stew in Bristol, I'd put end-ups in room 101, but only after they'd been soundly beaten. Oh, dear. I don't know about the last bit, Gareth.

I've not read that out. No. That's the bit I'm going to die on. He sounded like a really nice, funny man until the last bit. Who's the main guy in N-Dubs? Dappy. Yeah, the one who looks like he could be a good villain in Wind of the Willows. He could be a good plug in the B-Nose, what he could be.

I like N-Dubs. Yeah. Their songs have a poignancy that moves me. Oh, OK. Good on you. I mean, I have no particular feelings about them either way. And the main reason I say that is I don't want them to wait for me outside my house and smash me up. They look the type.

Yeah, I think a lot of their good reviews and success generally has been fear-based. But that's all right. You've got to make it work somehow. Young people, you know, trying to get on well in life. We've had another text in. This is from Karl Martin. I thought you were going to say Karl Marx.

No. Workers of the world unite. Yeah, exactly. Now's the time going to say Karl Marx. No. Workers of the World Unite. Yeah, exactly. Now's the time while there's no Parliament. Karl Martin says he listens to the podcast regularly and he says, I do hope I get to

hear The Fall today after all the comments on your podcast. I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about. Have a great show. He's a Fall fan. Well, he's not yet. We went to see the Fall last night. We had a works outing to see the Fall. We did.

Often people go to places like Weymouth for a works outing, but no. We went to Shepherd's Bush in the west part of London to see the Fall. And we'll talk about it

after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, um... Sorry, if I sound a bit muffled, I'm wearing a badger mask. Sorry, I'm wearing a badger mask. I'd better take it off. I don't know if you can broadcast in a badger mask.

Why did you have the badger mask on? Well, because it was here. It's like, you know, mountaineering in many ways. If there's a badger mask, you did you have the badger mask on? Well, because it was here. It's like, you know, mountaineering in many ways. If there's a badger mask, you've got to put it on. Something brilliant about a mask, don't you think?

If you see yourself in a mask, I'm always really impressed like something brilliant has happened. I put the mask on, but there's parts where it doesn't trust the mask. I think when I look in the mirror, it'll still be me, and then I look in the mirror,

there's a badger. Just with a bit of elastic and some, you know, and some moulded plastic. And that's great. We've had some texts in, Frank, on 8.12.15. Well, that's tremendous news. Let me just get settled into my set, my dry that I live in.

It's stuff that people would like. Is it a dry or a set that a badger lives in? Oh! It's a set. is it a set yeah i don't know i'll have to ring toad of toad hall i don't know it's a hip-hop producer you don't want a badger living in one of them you're going back to live in my dray that's why they call you dr dray yeah you're a badger i know you're not a badger what lives in the dry find out fox don't you can't say that. I know you're not a badger. What lives in the dry then? We'll find out. Fox? You can't say that on the radio.

You can, I think. Oh, right. Dr. Fox. He lives there. You can't say Dr. Fox on this stage. He'll be at the Sony's this year, I reckon. More of which later. He'll definitely be at the Sony's, yeah.

So, we've had... And I shall say to him, can I just have a diet coke please anyway carry on um damon from london oh it's a nice area damon and says dear frank room 101 i would like to put people in there in supermarkets who stand behind you and study your shopping on the conveyor belt yes oh i so agree with that i agree well imagine imagine how it is for what i dare i say the word celebratory because i feel there's a there's a i it's like an anecdote in a basket oh when i when i because i i know people are thinking oh diet lard or whatever

it is i bought that day you can tell you can see the mentally noting what I bought. I daren't buy anything of a personal nature. Die hard. That would be a good thing for Die Hard. Yeah. Write that down. I mean, as opposed to saying it out loud. You should have a separate VIP aisle, I think, for a celebrity. Yeah, there should be a celebrity checkout.

With a sort of big, yeah, but I think you should. And you should be sort of all cloaked. It should be sectioned off in black, so no one can see. And like, cloaked and masked.

Yeah. But imagine if I had, for par exemple, I had, um... Have you gone all Francais? Let's say, well, I'm about to say emmerides,

and I'm going to pass it off as a French word. Oh! If I had emmerides, you know, I wouldn't be able to go and buy soothing cream in a supermarket because it'd be all over Twitter.

Oh, yeah. It would the way I apply it. It'd be all over my Twitter. I like that joke, Badger. Yeah. I'm not wearing the mask anymore. Don't call me Badger when I'm not wearing the mask. That's how bank robbers get caught.

In case anyone was wondering how that happened. Anyway, we went to see the fall last night. I've got an email that will take us into it really nicely. Two of them, we're in it. Now, go on, read it. Hi, guys, I was the crazy girl who saw you outside the fall gig last night. Oh, yeah. Thanks for posing for the picture, Frank.

May I add, Emily's beautiful, and it's no wonder they want the webcam on her. Oh, I love her. It's the last bit in Biro. Oh, my God. And Emily's handwriting, by any chance. I can remember this woman. You said, oh, look, this is Emily and Gareth, and she looked at me and went, oh.

She did not. She was absolutely lovely. She was very nice. She said she listened to the show. Oh, I loved her. Thank you, Dina. It was lovely to meet you. I mean, someone who likes this show and The Four,

it don't get any better than that, does it? Yeah. That could have been my dream girl, were I a single man and about 48 years younger. That could have been my dream. So what did... I mean, you've never seen The Four before, Emily. Well, I was alarmed when I said to you,

where are we sitting and it appeared we weren't sitting anywhere because apparently everyone stands and i haven't stood since i think the nativity play or something that was the last time i actually stood for a long period of time so i was a bit nervous it was nativity play like in lots of ways but you know what i was most surprised by he actually is not that bad looking, Marquise Smith. I thought he'd be in a straight jacket and pants or something. But he had a nice black shirt on and a leather jacket he kept taking off. And he didn't sing so much as he kept wandering around the back of the stage

like someone browsing in Curry's or something with the equipment. He didn't actually stand at the front of the stage for very long. No, he prowls, and he does that to make the band nervous, I think, because he goes behind them and he changes all the knobs on their speakers, and you can see them looking coyly over their shoulder, thinking, oh, what's he doing? But they're frightened to do anything about it. Gareth and I saw him pulling a plug at one point.

Pull a plug. Yeah. Well, sometimes he goes to the back, and he has stuff he reads off a table. He looks like he's washing up. There's an instrumental break. I better do those cups and saucers from earlier. It is like a nativity play in that they kind of put a four-year-old on stage

and just said, right, you're in charge of the band, and then he just goes and grabs the baby Jesus and smashes it on the floor. But you would agree, wouldn't you? That's not a nice trailer. Yeah. You would agree that the actual sounds that came out were monumental. Yeah, the bands were into it. And Emily and Daisy, who's our assistant producer, both went and bought fall T-shirts,

big white fall T-shirts, and then put their belts on over them. We styled them up. It looked like the four were working with Pepsi and Shirley. It's all very sad, but a tremendous time was had. We loved it. By all. Richard Herring will be with us. Don't mention the book thing. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, with Emily, with Gareth, and now, and now, with Richard Herring. Wow. Hello, Richard. How are you? I'm not too bad. Thanks. How are you? I hate interviews that say, how are you? You should get that out the way. People aren't interested in that kind of thing.

What are you, a doctor? You're going to know how you are. I was trying to talk to Richard earlier and you were standing outside wearing a badger's mask and it was very disconcerting. I just went to the toilet in a badger's mask and I've discovered that when badgers urinate they have to hold their head slightly to the left

or they can't see the toilet anyway Richard what are you up to? I am well at the moment my book's just come out so I'm promoting that and all sorts of things working there's a lot coming up I'm doing another series of my internet stand up and sketch show as it occurs to me

starts in a week which goes out for free on iTunes and the internet and Edinburgh I'm doing Christ on a Bike in Edinburgh again so I'm working stand-up and sketch show, as it occurs to me, starts in a week, which goes out for free on iTunes and the internet. And Edinburgh, I'm doing Christ on a Bike in Edinburgh again, so I'm working that up again. Which was a 2001 show, which I'm going to rewrite, but pretty much do that one again, because it's not on DVD. It's not much has changed, has it?

As far as the life of Jesus is concerned. It's not much more new news in on him. Are you hoping something big would have happened? I was hoping he'd come back and he could come and join me at the end for a song. You're bringing him back for the Bible visit, is it? Well, I did Hitler's show last year and Jesus' show this year

so my target demographic is Pope Benedict. That's who I'm really going for. I'm just going to let that float. We had Henning Weynin last week, you know, the German comedian. And he said people in this country are obsessed with World War II. Now this week we've got Richard Herring who just did a show about Hitler.

And as I drove in today, we were preparing London for the VE celebration. So he's got a point. It's the last good thing we did. And you're nominated for a Sony. I am, unbelievably, for this internet show. I think it meant this show now. No, we haven't done it yet.

I'm being so good, someone's just called in. That's brilliant. Sony, they're quick off the mark. This interview's going rather well. Nomination. Yeah, for, you know, as it occurs to me, which is the show, I've just, I kind of got fed up with waiting for radio to decide whether they would give me a show

or not, and then also thought, you know, the way things have become so restricted due to the... Especially the BBC, I think they're so scared. So I just wanted to be able to just do a show... Don't go all Frankie Boyle on us now. Well, you know, it's good to do a show where you have complete... It's kind of fun to... I do a six-music show as well, and it's fun to have the restrictions, because that means you can...

I don't think you can plug other radio stations. I suppose. It's all right. It starts in 50 minutes. It's all right if the funeral music has already begun for that station. It's all right. So it's fun to have the restrictions away, but it's also nice to just be growing up and just do a show that, you know, people have to choose to download it, as it occurs to me.

So you can't really complain if you're offended by it. Just stop. It's free. Well, I like the fact that that's it. You've made it yourself. You've decided it's going to happen, and it's happened. You don't have to need anyone to give you permission. No, it's really, you've made it yourself. You've decided it's going to happen, and it's happened. You don't have to need anyone to give you permission. No, it's really, really nice. So getting the Sony nominations are really...

I mean, I've never really been nominated for anything I've ever done in my life, apart from On The Hour, which was the first thing I wrote for. We've got loads of awards, but since then, nothing I've ever done has been even nominated. I've done 30 Edinburgh shows, no nominations. I've been very low on the awards front. I'll stop moaning you two. You got the Perrier Award. Yeah, but that was 1991.

For goodness sake. You know, you'll get your Lifetime Achievement Award soon, Frank. I just got loaded legend this year. That's the first step to Lifetime Achievement, I think. Anyway, it's not about me, it's about you, this interview. So, what category are you in? It's Best Internet Show. OK. It's kind of me, it's about you, this interview. So, what category are you in in the show? It's Best Internet Show. OK.

So it's kind of a bit of a broad church, so I'm up against a documentary about Hillsborough and various other things, so it's kind of... I can't see how they'll choose between these different things. And are you actually going to go to the... It's Monday night, the ceremony. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm going. I wasn't going, because I was meant to be doing a book reading,

but it got rearranged, so I am able to go, yeah. But we're going, too. Oh, well, we'll see you there. You know it lasts about 11 and a half hours, the Sunday award ceremony. And it costs loads of money, that's the thinganged so I am able to go yeah. Oh we're going too. Oh well we'll see you there. You know it lasts about eleven and a half hours and it costs loads of money that's the thing if I am because I'm on my, because I'm not a I'm going to broadcast if I'm, it costs like £200 each to go and attend it.

Oh doesn't he have to pay to go is it? Which absolutely we'll be paying for you to go I presume but I've got to pay £200 to go. That doesn't even include drink. There's only, well they're just coining it in. Does it include the award? If I was going to buy £200 I want a brackets includes award. There's four one. They're just coining it in. Does it include the award? If I was going to buy 200 quid, I want a brackets includes award. There's four or five of us involved going along

in this and we're giving... Anyway, that's enough of that. I like the fact you've paid to get to me. If I don't win, I'm going to be very... If you'd have said we could have got you a chair on our table. Do we have to turn up with cash in my clutch bag? I might not have it on me. No, we won't. We won't. We won't. Hang on.

Don't worry about it. Well, you like the fall, don't you, Richard? Oh, not as much as Stuart Lee. Just say yes. Stuart Lee likes them. Humour him. I saw Stuart Lee last night at the fall gig, so it's been a strangely unhearing 24 hours. A little reunion.

Yeah, he wasn't that friendly, actually. Wasn't he? Is he not as friendly as he used to be? He just varies. He's a very unpredictable man. You thought it was because I was wearing a full T-shirt and he was a maybe purist subject to that. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's just...

I don't know. I felt strangely rejected. Did you? Oh, why? Don't you be go-go! So you've got a book out. Yes. Tell us about it. Yeah, it's called How Not To Grow Up.

It's basically about the year I turned 40, but it's about that sudden realisation. I think it happens to people at different times, not just at 40, but it's that point where I kind of suddenly realised I was nearly 40 and I'm still acting like a 19-year-old and going, you know. I think with our job as comedians you're able to kind of carry on that

lifestyle a bit longer, but I looked at my dad at 40 and myself at 40 and he'd been married for 17 years and had three kids and a proper job and I kind of got to 40 and thought what have i what have i achieved and i'm a single and and and it was it was i did a show about it in edinburgh let's call it oh dear i'm 40 for the purposes of absolute radio and uh and you know i think i just realized that i'd i'd sort of got everything had gone a bit crazy i'd been in a fight i got in a fight with a university lecturer in liverpool and you know it was was sort of going out and trying. I got in a fight with a university lecturer in Liverpool

and was going out and trying to... Was it a fight about Nietzsche? It wasn't. He got very drunk and tried to kick this young lady. I was within the head, so there was a reason behind it. I think you're the good guy. But it ended up just this stupid... I've never had a fight with anyone.

I've discussed in the book the five fights I'd had before this, which were all basically defeats where I got beaten in and I swandered them by Stuart Lee. Really? You could have sold tickets for that. What a waste of money. You could have celebrity boxing. Which was still a bit of a pathetic pushing around, but this fight was just sort of slapping around. But I did get one good crack into this guy's head at the University Lecture, and it made me happier than anything. I don't know if you've ever punched anyone, Frank. Yes. It was

amazing. I don't like the thing that feels good about it. No. I think it's very addictive. It is weird. I think the nice feeling of hurting somebody. Well, I woke up the next day, even though it had been this kind of really weird thing, and I felt like invigorated and alive, and I thought, I don't like what's happening to me. It's like the end of the straw dogs. have you ever seen the straw dustin offman

he's just killed about six local villagers who tried to attack his house and he's like a maths teacher and when he drives away there's this smart warm smile on his face of this is what life is all about yeah yeah so you know i realized i was going through this wasn't like me and i was behaving in an erratic and hormonal way i guess in an odd way and was it a midlife crisis it was a little bit i mean i think it was you know it was and i was i was sort of trying to yeah recapture me i was hanging around with a lot of young i mean younger people because again with our job you do you know you're in clubs and you meet younger people and you a lot of comedians are a lot younger than us so i was kind of going out and i'd never really been into music or fashion and i was doing all that kind of are you doing oh yeah so so when i was 30 all my mates got 30 together and one of

them started doing sit-ups right and one bought pixie boots do you remember pixie boots yeah he bought some of them and it's a terrible thing yeah yeah so i just thought it was it was an interesting year and as it turned out you know and then met my girlfriend halfway through and uh everything sort of changed around a little bit so it's but but i just thought i thought there was an interesting year to talk about but i think also there is this uh sort of trend now where people are staying younger a lot longer and you know people in their 40s and 50s are allowed to still walk around in t-shirts and trainers and go to gigs and you know and i just think our parents it's just things have changed so much i was kind of fascinated by that and working out what's good

about being immature and what's good about being immature and what's bad about being immature or whether we need to grow up or... Well, all my mates from my class at school all look about 70. Yeah. Apart from me. And all wear, you know, badge slacks.

Yeah, but I mean, you know, so you do go back, you know, it's whether it's a good thing to... whether people conform because they think they have to or should do or whether you get married or get a proper job because you think you have to. But then also the other side of that is that I never got married or got a proper job, so it's not like me having a midlife crisis and then leaving my family behind. No, you didn't have to.

It's just kind of realising I haven't even got, you know, I'd worked so hard, I didn't even have the family to... Never mind the people carrier. Where's your people carrier? Yeah, there's no people. Just on my own. That's the trouble with the people, Carrie. Well, it sounds absolutely fascinating. It sounds a bit sad.

I mean, I think it was a kind of sad time, but then in a way, it's easier to be funny about that. So you're picking out all the ridiculous things you did, and hopefully I'm kind of self-aware enough to know where I'm being a bit self-pitying and finding the funny thing in each story. So I think it is very funny. I think story so it's i think it's it is very funny i think living through it was quite difficult but it's but going back over it sounds like you've emerged i i think so yeah that's good news absolute radio richard herring is with us in

the studio so richard if you're you're you're you've revived uh uh an old popular show for for edinburgh yeah and you your book is out at the moment. Yeah. Now, you're always a man with a project. Yes. So I sense there must be something hatching that's going to... I don't know. Actually, you know, I've got so much going on.

I mean, they're writing the... Is it the new girlfriend thing? You know when you get the new girlfriend thing, the people stop working. They're so excited. I've worked much harder, I think, in the last two or three years. I think the book's partly about that revitalisation and kind of realising how lucky you are you are you know you can spend your time

kind of comparing yourself to other people and getting bitter about stuff then actually i i just think i realized how lucky i was doing the job i'm doing and making a really good living out of it and oh we should do that because we just get bitter yeah that's the trouble when you say we okay i do but you know it's a great job isn isn't it? And to actually be keeping going into our 40s and 50s is quite an achievement. Just to be alive is brilliant. Yeah, it is. So, you know, I actually...

I mean, I've been working. I mean, I've just toured Hitler's National. I've got a book coming out. I'm doing an internet sketch show and an Edinburgh show. And I'm doing loads of podcasts. I do the podcast with Andrew as well, the Collings and Herring podcast. I'll tell you what,

I think you talk faster than you used to talk. Do you? I've got so much to say. I want... All you feel that the grave is getting ever nearer. And you're not confident you'll be able to get it all in. It could be. I think it's partly because when I do my Edinburgh shows,

I'm always trying to get an hour and a half into an hour because my shows are always much too long. You can just cut a bit. That's all you need to do. No, you just... For a second there, it reminds me when the news is coming up and I start talking faster. I like it. Some people come in here and just look at me.

I don't like that. So there's loads going on, Frank. I'm doing too much. I might be doing... I've got maybe a possible Radio 4 thing I'm going to do, but I haven't got... I want to write more plays and I want to write some more TV drama and stuff, but I got a bit

frustrated with how difficult it was to get everything on, you know, and get through all those places. You're writing internet plays. Well, I mean, I sort of think so, you know, it'd be nice to if the stand-up and sketch stuff on the internet starts working really well, I think it could lead to the point where you can start doing your own film stuff on the internet as well,

and that's kind of my ultimate goal, but again, I think we're just, I'm just a little bit too old by the time time that's easy to do i'll just be dropping off my my perch well i i don't know about that i don't know i'm not as internet literate as maybe i could be but with um do people do like drama radio drama type because you could do that quite easily you could i mean i don't know i'm i'm sort of the only person who's really i think doing a proper i mean people do these like what would be a radio show people chatting without the music basically but i think mine's all may possibly the first thing where i've gone in done an audience and done stand up in a sketch show that's especially written and yeah you could easily do you know it's so easy to audio on the internet and it's just as long as you've got a

computer that you can put a microphone into you can you can record anything you. I guess just making it sound really good enough to be on the radio is a slightly different matter, but not that difficult. Some people could do, but I think most people are worried about the monetary aspect, but I think now it's working like music works on the internet in that bands will give away their music for free on the internet and then people will come and see them live. So that's definitely how it works for me. People are getting all the podcasts for free, but then they'll either buy my book, hopefully, or put out a CD or a DVD every now and then people will come and see them live. So that's definitely how it works for me. People are getting all the podcasts for free,

but then they'll either buy my book, hopefully, or put out a CD or a DVD every now and then. It's a fabulous democracy thing going on. So it kind of pays off, but I've never really cared about the money side. It's great that you do get paid for doing this most of the time, but for me it's more important to be more interested in creating the work. And so it's nice that the payoff is that you do usually get some money at the end of it.

Yeah, well, it's good not to get too keen on that, because that could stop any time, when basically the streets are full of rioters, like in Greece. We might have to do it for free. But as long as we both agree, we'll carry on regardless. OK, cool. That's one. I don't know, you sound like a man who's reached some sort of joy.

I'm definitely a lot happier, personally, and I think that was... As a comedian, you kind of fear that, because you think, if I'm happy, will I not be funny anymore? And there's an element with the book, you kind of think, oh, all the stuff where everything's going wrong is really funny, and the stuff where I'm a bit happier definitely isn't as funny. But I think, you know, in the last two years,

I think I've done my best two live shows, certainly my most successful two live shows, and, you know, I'm just two years, I think I've done my best two live shows, certainly my most successful two live shows, and, you know, I'm just kind of content with where I'm at, and I think it's a little bit about getting older and just thinking actually what's more important. And I think with comedy, I think the live stuff is the most important part of it, and I think it is easy to forget that.

You get on to TV and you get sucked into that, and actually going out and performing to 20 people or 100 people or 500 people or whatever you get is into that and actually going out and performing to 20 people or 100 people or 500 people or whatever you get is the real pleasure of it. Well, that's fabulous. Well, it's been lovely listening to you talk. And the book is called

How Not To Grow Up and that's out now. And check out Richard Sony nominated, I'm saying Sony nominated, now next week I might be saying Sony winning. Well, exactly. And what is the podcast called? it's called

As It Occurs To Me that one and there's also the Collings and Herring podcast which Collings and Herring we changed our name

we swapped a G over in our names for some reason to make it more difficult to find but yeah so they're both on iTunes

or the internet generally brilliant well it was good talking to you and enjoy your six music I will 25 minutes Well, it was good talking to you. Great, and you, Frank, really. And enjoy your six-minute radio show.

I will. 25 minutes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had some texts in, Frank. That's tremendous news. We were talking about things we'd like to put in Room 101. Yes. And Mark has said the Dramatic Whisperer.

He refers to it as the Dramatic Whisperer. He refers to it as The Dramatic Whisperer, which is the person who does, like, radio voiceovers. Robert Redford. Very good. That bloke does, like,

coming soon to a cinema near you. That one, the really deep one. The most talked about film of the year. Yeah. Him. He doesn't like him.

Is it one bloke, then, or someone doing impressions of a bloke that used to do that? I heard it was Adrian Hyatt, but that's another story. Well, I can't like him. Is it one bloke there or someone doing impressions of a bloke that used to do that? I heard it was Adrian Hyatt, but that's another story. Well, I can't believe that. He's gravelly. Oh, he's gravelly, all right.

No, I know what you mean. Does it mean that if there's a new film come out, say there's a new film called Breadfirer, right? OK. I just wrote that on a piece of paper. Yeah, exactly. Don't do that again. Breadfirer coming. Somebody goes, oh, Breadfirer coming to a cinema. I just wrote that on a piece of paper exactly don't do that again bread fire bread fire

bread fire people are going to think I'm not going to sit there too high in it's fanfare I don't think so any more Tom working security says I would put France in room 101 France

he is working security I like that do they would put France in room 101. France? Yeah. He is working security. I like that. I wonder, do they, people put countries in? I don't see why not. Well, he has. He has and he will. I don't agree with him, but I thought he'd, if he's a security bloke, I thought he'd be more tempted to go for... But, you know, we're all different.

We've got a text from 915. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's he in for? GBA. He says, squirrels, you idiots. Oh. Squirrels.

Oh, no, I know what that is. I know what that is. You know, we were talking earlier about where badgers... You know when you're dressed up as a badger briefly to go to the toilet? Yes. We were talking about where they lived. Yeah, and we said a dray. And he's saying squirrels live in drays, but he's saying squirrel, you idiots.

Yeah, I did say, though, that it was... I remembered that actually a badger lives in a set. Yeah, you did. But I couldn't remember what lived in a dray, is all I'm saying. It's called us idiots. I just thought it was a very aggressive, you know, for Room 101. Yeah, like did. But I couldn't remember what lived in a dry, is all I'm saying. It's called Us Idiots. I just thought it was a very aggressive, you know, for Room 101. Yeah, like it's...

Squirrels, you idiots! Squirrels, obviously! They dwell in Room 101. Many are born there! That's what it seems to say. You must be nuts. As you see, the nuts theme is... It's not absolutely on the head,

but it's brought in a sort of extra collar to the initial squirrel theme. Your girlfriend would put them in Room 101. She was bitten by one. She was bitten by a squirrel. And I must say, she's never been quite the same since. She tends to hoard... LAUGHTER

..quite a lot. And the hair on her back it must be now 18 inches long she's always sitting there rubbing her little nails together isn't she yeah

I don't get it absolute radio they'll be far away in time now my point is you don't judge people's intelligence

by whether they know where a squirrel lives it's you know you need a whole broad range of criteria, surely. That's just one specific bit of knowledge. And of course, at one level I didn't know, I'd just forgotten. Anyway, that was Mars from the Muffins, Echo

Beach. Yeah. We had a lovely text from Dina. Gareth, I was very happy to see you too. This is the person we saw outside the full gig. You said it was all touchy because she ignored you. Oh, she was lovely. You were touchy because you didn't say she was all touchy. Can I clear that up?

On the contrary, you said she was as cold as ice. I was very happy to see you too, Gareth. You were tall and also as beautiful as Emily. Wow. Well, that shows you in a good light reading that out. Well, again, you were tall, full stop, and the other bit written in biro. Gareth's handwriting.

I'd like to read out a very interesting text we got in during the week. Oh, reading out, reading out. It's like being in an English class. Yes, you should have paid more attention in that one. Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, this is from Sarah. My name is Sarah, I'm 15 years old. I have a small question that I hope you can help me with. I have a school prom coming up in July and a boy...

Do they happen, school prom? I thought that was just in American films from the 50s. It's all about the prom. High school musical, all that sort of stuff. They have proms at school. Yeah. We had balls in our day. And a boy asked me to go with him.

However, he's just told me that he isn't going with me anymore and he's going with another girl what can i do many thanks sarah oh that is i think once you've asked someone you can't you can't change horses midstream how dare he he sounds awful anyway she's dodged a bullet there i don't believe he's going with another girl i think he's staying in his mum's made him stay and he's gonna be listening to narnia audio tapes i don't believe he's going with another girl. I think he's staying in. His mum's made him stay in. He's going to be listening to Narnia audio tapes. I don't think he is going to the prom. Don't you worry about that, Sarah. He won't, you know, I don't think he's lying.

If I was Sarah, I'd go on my own to the prom. So would I. And when I walk in, I'd make sure the band went... That is a go-girl. That's my version of go-girl. You go-girl. No, that is, let's not be dismissive of this. That would hurt.

Rejection always hurts. All I would say is that maybe on one level, Sarah, you were hoping that you and he would get together and be together forever. It would bloom into love and a lasting relationship. But let me tell you this. You don't really want to meet the man of your dreams till you're, I would say, a very minimum late 20s. Otherwise, you become one of these bitter people

who marry their childhood sweetheart and then all think, think back about all the freedom that they might have had if only that big love had happened later in their life. So see it as a good thing. Go along, enjoy yourself. You know, you don't need a party. You're 15, let me tell you something. I'm 53. At 15, the world ahead of you is like a marvellous colourful tapestry. And you can pull and tug at any little thread you like. Sarah,

you are a blessed, lucky and lovely person. Forget this guy. He'll be just one of the little clouds that floats across your blue sky in life, be happy girl that's what I think yeah he's probably gay yeah

well thanks for that that's got us off air now, that's blown the Sony Absolute Radio by the way we do a thing called Not The Weekend Podcast which is a podcast that goes out on Wednesday mornings on the Absolute website, and it's completely separate from this show. We just sit in

a room on our own. It's something quite exciting about it. I love it. It's almost as if there's, if you can imagine on the Titanic, some people have thought, well, we're never going to get on the lifeboat. Let's just go into a cabin, have a couple of drinks, and just chat about, you know, life. It's like

that. Yeah. I think you can hear the water lapping at the porthole. There's no string quartet, though, much to my chagrin. No, this is after they've been told they can go, I think. So, and speaking of Bon Voyage... Ah, wow, I'm off somewhere rather special. Oh. Mm. I'm going...

Pontins? No. I'm going to Mauritius. So I'm not going to be doing the show. Oh. Hmm. I'm going... On tins? No. I'm going to Mauritius. So I'm not going to be doing the show next week. That's going to be strange you're not doing the show. I know.

I did have to... I was a bit worried about it. I did a school project about Mauritius, I remember, at Julie's school. You did a school project? Did they fly you over there?

No, but there were some pictures that we looked at that was on the board. Yeah. I've got my wardrobe was on the board. Yeah. I've got my wardrobe planned out, Frank. I have to have a concept when I go on holiday. I can't just shove any old shorts in a suitcase or rucksack in your case.

So what's your concept? Nautical. Wild West. No. Nautical for beachwear. Nautical bikini. Nautical bikini? Whatical bikini what's that with a blue and white striped bikini with a periscope a cap and birds eye hat no um so that's my swimwear and then a sort of 70s flake girl for my day wear 70s flake girl yeah as in the flake advert. Yeah, so like a long maxi dress. Not somebody with psoriasis.

No. Okay. No. So I'm looking forward to it. It sounds great. And it's very, apparently, it's very, very Mauritius. Oh. It's very, very Mauritius.

Will you miss me, you guys? Anyway, so Laura Solon will be... Oh, is she? Yeah. I thought she was going to be the two of us. No, that would have been like the last hour of the Cincinnati Kid. I don't know if I would have liked that. Anyway, that's about it from the show this week.

I can only apologise. And, yes, goodbye to you. And, you know, it's the end.