The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Rob Deering

Episode Date: November 7, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth talk bonfires, beauty queens and old fashioned sayings, plus Rob Deering is this weeks guest.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, podcast time. And this is Frank Skinner here with Emily and Gareth.

The show is all done and dusted. And now we walk to another studio, smaller, on a different floor, in many ways quite grobby and pokey sort of a place. And then we talk about what's going to be in the show. Because we know, because it's happened for us. Rob Deering, I loved him. Rob Deering is our guest today. He's a very, very funny comedian.

He does a lot of music in his act. Of course, we didn't let him do that on the show, but see, he doesn't need it. No, he was good. Yeah, he was very good. And we had a phone-in about phrases that have gone a bit out of date that people use, which I found particularly hilarious.

Yes. And I thought it was splendid. I enjoyed the whole experience. Your manager was there, Frank? My manager was there in the background. He laughs a lot when I say something funny and often when I don't. Usually if it's money-related. If it's money-related, he'll laugh.

Oh, man, he'll laugh forever. But I was a bit... I thought today... I couldn't remember anyone's name or anything. It was a weird sort of... I felt like I was having a bit of a senior... Well, not a senior moment so much as a senior two hours. But I think...

I mean, it's fine. It's, you know, obviously it's slapdash and unprofessional but I don't think anyone cares about the sort of people who like this show I'm Gareth

and this is Emily yeah I did work it out absolute radio studio what I'm working up to next week is name badges okay I don't want to make

a big deal out of it but it would be helpful for me oh I'm not wearing that it's so humiliating that's like that's very civilian having to wear that I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but it would be helpful for me. Oh, I'm not wearing that. It's so humiliating. That's very civilian, having to wear that. I don't like it. You are a civilian. Not anymore.

What can you do? When Joss Stone this week did the red carpet of the MTV Awards, they gave her pictures of all the celebrities with their name underneath for her to learn. So you can just have that in front of you. Did they really? For us, yeah. In case you didn't know who people were. What was she doing on the red carpet?

She was interviewing people, yeah. And didn't know any of them? I suppose she lives in America and all that stuff. God, I bet that was hard work. It was like getting blood out of her. Absolute. Radio. I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio,

and I'm with Emily and Gareth. I'm having slight nominal aphasia. Do you know nominal aphasia when you forget the names of things? I just forgot me, the radio station, and both of you. That's not a great start. A full house. Exactly. A full house in the world of nominal aphasia.

If you're playing nominal aphasia bingo at home too late you lose so um it's been one of those weeks when it's been two major events it's been halloween and uh and bonfire night in the same way i don't personally celebrate bonfire night because i'm a roman catholic and is actually actually a celebration of torturing Roman Catholics, burning them, hung, drawing and quartering, cutting their fingers off individually. Oh, this is a nice start to the morning. Well, I just think it's about time it was laid down clear

to the British public what they're celebrating on Bonfire Night, right? Because it's all about... It's not about really... It's not a re-enactment of Guy Fawkes getting caught with the gunpowder. It's about him being tortured afterwards. Yeah. Well, I don't celebrate it, but only because it's very unglamorous. I don't want to stand... Well, that's another good reason.

Yeah, but, Frank, I may as well just stand there watching my boiler. To me, that's the same principle, essentially, just watching something burn for three hours. Why would I do that? Do you never watch your boiler? No. I imagine your boiler wears an Armani jacket. A quilted Armani jacket.

Well, I don't know. I had a bit of a problem with it. I went out on... I went to David Baddiel's house, actually. What, for Bonfire Night? Yeah. And being David Baddiel, we didn't have any fireworks. We just sat with the children at the window

and watched other people's fireworks. It's absolutely true. I'm not suggesting for a second that David is careful with money, but no, so I just sat there with the kids watching other people's. At Christmas, we went round and looked at other people's gifts through the window of neighbours' houses and that seemed to be alright oh, number 17 got a lovely tree on

did you celebrate, Gareth? no, I don't like bonfire night either on Catholic grounds or glamour? no, on the grounds grounds i've seen fireworks before yeah that's that's a good point and i don't think they've done it you know unless they really pull something out the bag you know i've done i've done that and yeah well i'll tell you what i really laugh at fireworks and i've never worked i laugh as soon as they start going off i start falling about like i have

no idea what it is i think they're trying they're like rockets trying to get all the way to the moon and every one of them is failing maybe that's what it is maybe i don't like to think that i laugh at the failures of others though by any means but there is something i don't know if it's a mix of excitement i was at um I was at this park once where they had fireworks and I was grumbling about Catholic oppression. Oh, I wish I'd been there for that evening. Yeah, that was good, yeah. I was in an individual.

I wasn't on the PA system doing it as a running coventry. But there was one moment, this incredibly loud one. I mean, it was just like... So loud, you sort of felt it in your stomach. And it was followed by complete silence and then about 400 children simultaneously crying. Oh, God! They slightly misjudged that one.

And you said, that's like the Catholic children crying, that is? Yeah. That's the sound of crying Catholics. That is what I said. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in on 8-12-15. Ah. Well done.

No one would have even noticed that you got the text number in. Do you like what I do? Yeah, very good. You're popping your moves. It's from Anna who says, Frank, I cry when I watch professional ice skating on TV. Anna. I like it.

She's obviously referring to the fact that I laugh at fireworks I hope so I hope she's not, oh god now I've got a terrible image of Anna unable to walk or something watching I'm sure Anna is just joining in with the spirit of the game I do that laughing at fireworks thing I

I was at a thing it was celebrating I think 50 years of ITV and Brian Ferry was there. And I hadn't met Brian Ferry before, but I was talking to him in a kind of... Because I used to be a massive Roxy fan, right? And I was just talking to...

Trying to get round to talking about Roxy music and trying to impress him. And then fireworks started. And, of course, I fell about. I was absolutely crying with laughter ferris looking at me like i'm a lunatic that was the end of that i had a private concert with him this week anyway anyway hold it a private concert well it wasn't really well i've heard some names for it excuse me it was a tribute evening to jonathan ross yes i'm friends with jonathan

ross get over it okay and brian ferry was playing so it was basically a private gig it was a tribute evening to Jonathan Ross. Yes, I'm friends with Jonathan Ross, get over it. And Brian Ferry was playing. So it was basically a private gig. It was amazing. Brian Ferry was playing some of the hits of Jonathan Ross. No, he was playing his own hits and it was fantastic. I loved it. It's an interesting tribute. Yeah. If anyone said to me,

Frank, 25 years in the business, congratulations. That is Brian Ferry to the numbers. I'd think... HE SINGS HE SINGS He sounds like a big wheeze. I'd say, no, get out, Brian.

Don't argue with me. HE SINGS I mean, that's but I had you. Don't argue with me. I had you. I had you. I mean, that's not what I want. If anyone's sitting now, I'm thinking, planning my big celebration dinner behind my back, cancel Brian. Oh, Brian was brilliant.

I'm sure he was brilliant in a lounge lizard-y sort of a way, but I used to really like Roxy Music, like I say, so I sort of went on to any solo stuff. And then I saw him, he was on Miss World one year. And he sang with girls sort of walking. How did he look in a swimsuit?

He wasn't in that section. He just wore national costume. He came on as John Ball with a big bulldog and sang Annie Old Iron. Annie Old Iron! Frank, if you have a celebration dinner there, it'll be Mark E. Smith going, Frank Skinner!

Hopefully it'll be Mark E. Smith going... In case you're wondering, that is his laugh. And if you don't know who he is, Google! Yeah, so that's that. What else? Oh, yeah, we had an interesting email this week, didn't we? We did. I had an email...

Well, I had an email from a lady. Was it from a lady or was it from a mate? James and Roxy, I think you might be talking about james and roxy yeah yes gareth yes oh have i said something have i said something but i feel like i've brought up something that's a family problem you know when you're at someone's house and you say so what happened to that dog you used to have oh the dog you mean james yes well what happened to him john hey what happened to him when he was on the drive behind your car? Maybe you'd like to talk about it.

I mean, what's going on? Let's talk about something else. I mean, obviously I've unopened something rather unpleasant. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, anyway, we were talking about an email before and you might have sensed a certain tension in the air because there was some debate whether we should read it out or not.

But, you know, not that it's desperate, it's not rude or anything. So it was decided that you two would read it out and I'll have no part in it. You two are going to read it out. Here they are, you two, ladies and gentlemen. I will negate after poverty. Oh, shut up. What have you got a hat on for indoors?

Who knows where that... Oh, shut up. What have you got a hat on for indoors? Who knows where the hat... OK, carry on. It's an email from James and Roxy in Southampton. And James says that his girlfriend, Roxy, I guess that is, who is a fan of the show, she was out drunk on a Saturday night and started shouting crazily Frank Skinner as she randomly passed the Absolute Radio

studio on her way home. How did she randomly pass it? Um, I think she was drunk and staggering about it. It's a picture of Broken Britain so far, isn't it? It is. You're absolutely right. Ian Duncan Smith, ladies and gentlemen. She was shouting

Frank Skinner at the Absolute Radio studios and the baffled security guard on reception invited her and her friends in for a look. But to her amazement, you don't live at the Absolute Radio Studio. No. No, we're not here all the time. No, that's not true. I don't think from anything I've said you'd imagine that I live here.

Though you might imagine from the title security guard that someone wouldn't let in two passing drunken people shouting Frank Skinner and give them a tour of the studio.

But I'm not questioning that. But they rarely let me in. I have immense problems getting in. How drunk are you? There's probably

a limit, isn't there? Did they use litmus paper? I think that's what they do. You have a litmus paper in the mouth and if you qualify, you're in. Basically, you've got to be drunker and more scantily dressed, I think.

Oh, well, we don't know that Roxy was scantily dressed. Let's not make any suggestions here. But I find that either... I mean, it's fabulous that they have an open house policy. If anyone's in Golden Square in London and you want to just stroll in, just ask the security. Apparently it's fine. Just scream the name of a DJ from outside. Which obviously wouldn't anyway.

There's a truck coming, we're going, Frank, get out of here. Come in. Come in, yeah. Come and meet him, yeah. It could have been a mad ex-girlfriend. Well, yeah.

More than likely it was. Well, yeah. Did she have a goatee? I think I know the one it was well yeah did she ever goatee i think i know the one it was oh well anyway so and if you're listening jim and roxy in southampton thank you for um for your support and look i don't want to make any of you uh put anything on the spot but there's someone who's gone missing and uh i'm not saying it was you, who knows, but obviously, if you're listening now,

can you just turn out your pocket? OK, so what else was we talking about? Oh, I had something humiliating happen to me this week. Well, I'm happy to hear that. Oh, I bet you are. I showed my age, Frank. Oh, thank... I wonder what you're going to say. You showed my age, Frank. Oh, thank... I wonder what he was going to say. You showed your age, Frank.

I know we don't talk about my age, so let's not mention the actual age. No, let's not go there. You know what I'll have to do if you mention your age, don't you? I'll have to go. This is the music we play if ever Emily's age is mentioned because it becomes so tense in the studio. This seems to sum up the sort of...

The horror. The horror of it. Oh, my God, this is the bit where the actual... Hello, the yoga. So, what happened? Do you want to hear... Turn that music off! You were going to swear then, weren't you? I wasn't.

I wasn't. Oh, God, I thought it thought it i know sorry it's only got four seconds the music this is it with jingles a jingle has burst into the studio and taken over the whole show obviously led him by the security guard oh i feel exhausted after that trauma so um i showed my age because i was talking in the office and i was with a younger guy and i said something i referred to the channel changer and he burst out laughing and he said oh my god i haven't heard that since about 1983 you call it a remote grandma i must have never heard date when you mentioned the chat i thought it was someone you were employed Like my tea strainer. Yeah. I imagined some sort of, I almost said illegal immigrant, but thank God I didn't,

in the corner, and you saying, BBC 2, I think, Luigi, and then it just happened. But that wasn't the case, of course. Absolute. Radio.

Yes. What was, I forgot what we were going to talk about. Oh, we were talking because I'd said channel changer and humiliated myself.

Oh yeah, that's right. I knew there was something hanging over me like the sword of Damocles and yeah, it's that thing of using phrases that are a bit

out of date. I have a habit of, and I only realised this recently, someone picked me up, I say picture house for cinema and that is really quite an old phrase

i mean it doesn't make any sense that's where you see fred astaire and ginger rogers films surely and i also say on the night time on the night time it's a bit it's all right in there on the night time but i was in there in lunch and someone said to me then what what does that what kind of a phrase is that i know someone who uh really got put off a woman because he was on a date with her and she went i'm just going to go and spend a penny yes i wouldn't i wouldn't be keen with that no no but that's that i mean you get into a whole different world then see i don't like the word lavatory really i had a mate water closet well see i i had a mate he used to come round for Sunday lunch sometimes when I lived with my mum and dad. We was at school together.

And he used to say, after that lunch, he'd say, I'm just going to go and sit up the closet. And I didn't like that. None of us liked it. And that's all he used to do as well, God bless him. He used to take one of the Sunday papers with him. One of our Sunday papers.

Oh, no, that's not etiquette. When it came in, that Sunday paper, it was like a radioactive isotope had been brought into the room. None of us would go near that Sunday paper. After it sat there, we had to sort of move it about with our elbows. I sometimes say wicked.

And that's very early 90s. You see, I thought that was still in. Oh, dear. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, everyone. I've not only let you down, I've let all the listeners down as well. Did you say mega as well? No. OK.

I think I'd probably say mega. Mega? Yeah, but it's not up there with picture hours. No picture hours. If anyone out there has any, you know, guess what I'm going to say next we'll go through the whole tedious process of saying text them in on 8 12 15 I know I have done it

we have had a text in which I like sorry Gareth, it was morning Frank, I didn't know about bonfire night I'm a Catholic too and have been spending a fortune every year on these fireworks never again, God bless the Pope I love it oh but what about that though is someone tricked into spending money on celebrating their own oppression yeah isn't that a bit like voting on x factor

absolute radio so we have um we have a guest on don't think we don't have a guest, because we do. But I'm just looking now for his jingle. Here he is, yeah. So we've got Rob Deering. Oh, I love him. He's brilliant. Do you like Rob Deering, Gareth? Yeah. Yeah, Rob Deering, right, he's called.

Rob Deering. OK. I like it. You'll have all realised from that that, yes, me and him are going to be playing Russian roulette after nine o'clock. That's from The Deer Hunter. That is from The Deer Hunter. I only know that because you told me.

Yes. He must have that all the time, people playing that music. Yeah, I bet he is. I think he's... I'm hoping he's Carl horn. Walks into a room and everyone goes... Do you think, if I was Rob Deering, I would have that as my car horn. So, you know, you're driving down the road, a kid runs out

in front of you after a football, and you go, Oi! I mean, that's going to frighten anyone out the way, I would have thought. What a week I've had. Oh, you've got some... No, tell us about your week, come on. No, no, if people... You know, I always put the listeners first.

So, have we had some texts in on 8, 12, 15? We have some texts. Old-fashioned phrases people still use. Wireless. Oh, God, yeah, wireless. People call it the wireless. You know, it makes me proud to think someone might be at home and say, put the wireless on, it's the Frank Skinner thing on Absolute.

Can I say, I have a real problem with what this show is called, because there is obviously... The tendency is to call it the Frank Skinner Show, but the Frank Skinner Show, to me, is a chat show that I used to do a few years ago. There is no more. And every time somebody says the Frank Skinner Show, it's like referring to something, you know, that's gone.

It's like an old relationship. It's like they're accusing me of failing in some way. I don't like it. You know what I mean? Why bring that up? You know, if you met Heather Mills, you wouldn't... Anyway. So, yeah.

So, I'm calling it Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Any others? I like Wireless. That's good. Yes, Russell in Edinburgh says he can't help referring to his iPod as a Walkman. Which is quite good. I like that.

I call mine a Discman. No, I don't. And Gabby, this is my favourite so far. Gabby says that her nan recently saw some people kissing on the TV and she said, ooh, he's cutting himself a slice of cake. No idea what that meant.

You sure she was referring to that and not a neighbour she was watching on a high-powered binocular? That she had a sort of steady running comedy. This is Mr Kipling's. So go on, tell us about your week. Well, I do this show on Monday nights at the Lyric Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue in London, on the West End, and it's called

The Credit Crunch Cabaret. I'm not trying to flog it, because to be honest with you, it sold pretty damn well anyway. But this week, I went out earlier. I always talk to the audience, because I like to keep it interactive, you know. You're very man of the people. Oh, I am a red button, in many ways. So, I walked out, and there was a bloke in the front row who'd got a laminate

on. So I said, what's that, mate? And he said, I've been to the House of Commons today. So we got talking about it. And I said, well, how did you get in? He said, well, my mate works there. And I said, what, he's an MP? And he said, oh, yeah, he is.

And I said, well, who is he? And it turned out it was Lembe Opec. No. You know the bloke who went out with her? Yeah, he went out with a cheeky girl. Yeah, he went out with Gabriella. So, of course, I got very excited. This did lots of jokes. He's got a twisted face, hasn't he?

Yeah, but to be fair to him, he did fall out of the air in a paragliding thing. Oh, no, I feel terrible now. I'm so sorry. But feel free to mock his injuries. I mean, for goodness sake. Yeah, well, I did refer to the fact that he'd be laughing on the other side of his face.

But anyway, so I'm not, you know, I share the guilt. But there was two empties. Then he turned out as another woman who said, oh, yeah, I know Lembit Opie. And I thought, what is... People buying tickets through his website. Anyway, so I did a lot of stuff. And then I was sitting in the dressing room at the interval.

I heard a big cheeha go up, and I thought, I wonder what that is. And then it turned out Lembit had turned up. Wow. To the actual show? His mate had texted him, and Lembit had fleet-footed it across town. So when I went out, he's in, like, the third row, right? Oh, and you can't miss him either.

And I'm sure he'd been told some of the things I'd been saying about him. So I got him. Anyway, we do a quiz when I get two people up on stage. They win a fabulous prize. right? Oh, and you can't miss him either. And I'm sure he'd been told some of the things I'd been saying about him. So I got him, anyway, we do a quiz when I get two people up on stage, they win a fabulous prize. So I asked him to come up, and he said, No, you don't, they win a copy of your book in £10. Oh, shush! So I said to him, I said,

would you like to come? And he's going, oh, no, no. And everyone's going, yeah. And I thought, I could see, I thought, I would put a million pounds that you are going to come. There's no question that you're going to come up on stage. Well, his mate had just texted him and said, I'm at a show, someone mentioned you. And he ran across town to be there. He'd probably just come from another show where he'd been mentioned. So he spends his life zigzagging across town with his mates twittering him references.

So anyway, we got him up on stage. And I took the mickey out of him, but he took it very well, you know, in his fabulous banana-faced way. And then at the end, someone said, what about a big A? He's been a great sport, Lemby Opie. And then he played the harmonica. He took the harmonica out of his pocket. Are you sure this wasn't a dream you had?

Definitely happened. Then he played, like, blues harmonica. And the odd thing about that is that the other... He went out with Gabriella Cheeky, but the other one is called Monica. Yeah. And I'm wondering if he ever, when he was round their house, saying, well, I might have a bit of harmonica before I go to bed,

and everyone all thought, oh, God, he's taking full advantage. Lembit. And Lee Marker was on, came backstage and honestly said, apparently that Olympic OPEC bloke said, what? Olympic OPEC? Some sort of oil based sports event?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Have is it ever got text yeah we've had a text in about uh old-fashioned phrases and brian from bolton has said goggle box oh that's brilliant isn't that great get the channel changer out and uh we'd be a match made in heaven me and brian don't say that you know every time you say that we get men turning up at the studio. And the way things are with the security guard. I mean, they'll be coming in for a pan of chocolate. I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, sorry, Gareth, were you about to say something? Andy says, all ship shape and Bristol fashion. Yeah, that's... I must have been a bit worried about people who say that. Do you think Kelly Brooks Dresser is now saying that on Calendar Girls on the West End? So, yeah, this other thing with Lembit Opie,

I don't want to go... Oh, you're getting obsessed by Lembit. But it's just to squeeze in before the news. He believes that a massive meteor is heading towards the Earth. Do you know this? He's like a member of this group, this science group, who believe that, not tomorrow, but, you know, soon and forever.

And we were talking about, he was on about the first meteor that hit the Earth was the one that killed all the dinosaurs, which has long been a cause of puzzlement to me, because one meteor, he said, oh, it was it was biggest, it was like 20 metres across. But how would that, unless it bounced a lot, to kill every dinosaur, it'd be like one of those computer games. And here's my theory. It was a very, very hot day, right?

All the dinosaurs were all sitting around and they said, oh, God, it's absolutely swell. I'm burning up. I'm burning up here. Why don't we all shelter in that ever-expanding circle of shade? Over there. Absolute. Radio. Did you watch... Well, no, you did.

Derek Okora was on telly last night. Yes. And we are big Okora was on telly last night. Yes! And we are big Okora fans on this show. I mean, we think he's a charlatan. LAUGHTER But we like to watch him being one. And last night, he did a Michael Jackson special in which he contacted, and it's hard to see this on radio,

but that's in inverted commas, contacted Michael Jackson. Can you imagine Michael Jackson? He's only just arrived in the wildest spirit, as Derek calls it. You know, he hasn't unpacked or anything. And then Derek Cora turns up. You must think, well, surely I'm entitled to somewhat of it more A-list, a sort of a showbiz, you know, Hollywood type. One of those Las Vegas ones or something.

Yeah, I mean, I had quite a fame. In the days when I had a chat show, right, I had this bloke, and he was American. He was psychic to the stars. Oh, OK. And he'd come on the show, and he started saying to me, can you see the Indians? Can you see the Indians?

And I thought, oh, God, is this going to be a controversial moment? And I said, they're in every week, it's fine. He said, no, no, can you see the Indians? There's a guy with a massive headdress standing over there and he said, because all these Indians... This was in the West End of London, right? And then he turned to this... I think it was a mother... I hope it was a mother and son in the audience

or it was a massive age gap in their relationship. He turned to them and I thought, oh, God, he's going to say something. And he said, you, you, you, you, turn your mattress. And I thought, well, surely, if you were going to have a message from doing it out of spirits, it would be a bit bigger than that, wouldn't it? It's like last night, he said to one of these... He didn't say much, did he?

It was a séance last night, wasn't it? Yes, it was, yeah. And it was, I should explain for those of you who didn't it it's like last night he said to one of these didn't say much did he it was a seance yes it was yeah and it was i should explain for those of you who didn't see it was derrick akora and four massive fans of michael jackson three of whom were dressed as michael jackson which would only confuse things at the sale and one woman who frankly looked like she'd just been pulled in off the street well i i wouldn't like be... No, but I don't think she was a genuine fan. I'm sorry. God, if she's listening, that's the worst thing you could say. Better...

Security will stop her coming in. It's fine. Better you said she was a serial killer than said that she wasn't a proper fan of MJ. Anyway, they all... They had a hat. They had his hat. And they all touched his hat.

And consequently, he came to see who was touching his hat. As many of us do. I don't know if you ever left a hat downstairs and neighbours reached through the cat flap and just touched the rim and I always think, hold on, someone is touching me hat and I come down in my pyjamas and see them off. And it was a similar thing to that,

but obviously related into the way I was spitting. I was a bit disappointed with it, to be honest. Well, Michael Jackson spent his whole life trying to avoid his fans. Yeah. I don't think he'd come from the world of spirits to see people he's never met before. No. And at one point he said to one of the superfans,

if you see Quincy Jones, say hello. And one of the fans went, hello, Quincy. Yeah. Well, maybe he'd seen, hello, Quincy. Yeah. Well, maybe he'd seen him. Is Quincy Jones dead or alive? I don't know. Well, this is a problem, isn't it? That was the confusion, wasn't it?

The fan didn't know whether he had Quincy Jones with him in the world of spirits and was saying, oh, hello, say hello to Quincy. Why aren't you saying hello to Quincy? He's here. Yeah. Or go and say hello to Quincy. That's it. They didn't have time to

Google. I didn't. I have had time though, and he's alive. He's alive? Well, that's splendid news. Was he alive last night though, or has he returned from the dead following Delica Cora's interference? If you don't like it in the Wittsburg where the spirits come back with me, Quincy!

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily, and I'm with Gareth, but more importantly, I'm with Rob Deering. Good morning. Good morning. I say Rob Deering. Now, nobody help him.

Do you know what that music is? Yeah, it's John Williams' Cavatina, and the reason you played it is because it's from The Deer Hunter. Wow. Fancy asking. I mean, Rob, who's a musician and a big film fan, he's obviously going to get it. He only knew it from Take Heart, the gallery. Do you remember that? That shows my age.

Yeah, no, no, because if you're really old, it's... Oh, Rob, I know that. That used to be my answer phone message. We're sorry we can't return any of your drawings, but we do give a prize for any other show. I say, we do give a prize! So, good morning, Rob. And Rob is... What can I say say how can i describe you robbie when i

first met you you were a stand-up comedian and now you've blossomed into a sort of a musical extravaganza as far as comedy is concerned yeah that sums it up i i introduced the guitar lightly into my act and it's taken over my world um but it's mainly because i'm a wannabe uh you know it's because i never had a band so gradually i'm turning from a comedian into a band yeah well there are comedians that would rather be pop stars are you one of those yeah i think so although i think it's no i think that people want it i've i've actually kind of i wouldn't want to be a pop star because you have to play the songs all the way through and there's no chance to kind of pull a funny face and get a laugh so i actually

got the best of both worlds well i, I must say, I mean, some of you may know, I do a show called The Credit Crunch Cabaret. Oh, how many times are you going to mention that this morning? And Rob has been on it several times, and every time, Rob, and I'm not saying this because you're here, you absolutely rip the place apart. Yes, you do, because I've seen you on it. Well, hey, right. And

you're on again soon. So this is, by way of giving you a plug, if you want to see Rob, you should come to the Credit Crunch Cabaret on the 16th of November at the Lyric Theatre. But you're on tour at the moment, is that right? Well, I'm just on a kind of ongoing, I've just got lots of gigs.

Is it the Never Ending Tour? It's the Never Ending Tour. It's not, but it's good, it's because there's some lovely shows in there, but it's not a show tour, it's just, you know, so there's all kinds of gigs in there. Can I say, Robert, you are one of these people who you seem to be a smile. Whenever I see you, I do, even though it's early in the morning.

I thought, when Rob Deering turns up, he will emanate light in some way with his smile, right? Well, it's good of you, but can you imagine how hard it is for me when I'm actually cross? of you but can imagine how hard it is for me when i'm actually cross i can't even imagine it because either you're full of joy or your face muscles are in perpetual spasm that have dragged your mouth into some rictus grin yeah um i hope it's not that no it's not that although i do actually have a kind of muscular disorder just in front of my ears oh i'm going to talk about it that is embarrassing that's terrible no but you, it's different for me. I look in the mirror and look really serious and think, yeah, that looks good, and then I realise that no-one else in the world

has ever seen that face, because I'm grinning like, I don't know, like a loon or Tom Cruise all day. Now, the only time I can imagine your smile might have faltered slightly was when you were on a TV show, right, called 99 Things To Do Before You Die. Mm-hm. And you did something that you felt you'd always wanted to do, I assume. And, I mean, I have to be careful what words I use.

Which one are we talking about? Well, you drank your own urine. Yeah, that wasn't something I'd always wanted to do. Oh, it wasn't? No, no, no, no. Oh, I thought it was a burning ambition. If it was a burning ambition, which is why you shouldn't drink it. Well, you should try cranberry juice.

It's absolutely marvellous. There was a Victorian actress called Fanny Burney who used it all the time. So how... That was good deadpan, by the way. Radio deadpan. How was it, Rob? It was horrific.

It was really terrible. It was on the first day on that show, which is why I didn't say no. I think if it had been a fortnight later, I would have said no. It uh i'm it was warm taste of the vegetables oh wrong well you can't blame him there's a lot of people in breakfast sorry you've you've opened up a can of worms there but no well are you up you're at a can of worms delicious so what else what were the other 99? What else did you do? I was an extra in an adult entertainment movie.

Oh, goodness. I played the captain of the firing squad. I... I stripped in a strip club in Vegas. Not Vegas, Los Angeles. Right. That was great. They wouldn't have held that against you

if you'd have got the location. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it sounded... I'm They wouldn't have held that against you if you'd have got the location right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm worried you might have held it against me. No, I'm... That sounds terrible. I would rather drink my own urine. In fact, I'm going to adopt that now as a phrase in life. Well, I'd rather drink my own urine than go to that club. I mean, that must have been terrible.

You must be very confident about your physical appearance. Absolutely not. I was a wobbly nightmare. But what happened, it was on the day, the same day I'd been in a staged car crash. And I was quite shaken up, because being in a staged car crash is the same as being in a real car crash. OK, at least you know it's coming.

Yeah, well, no, that's no better, because that means you just want it to go away. You get a chance to adjust your headrest. Get it absolutely spot on. Yeah, I didn't think to do that. But then later that day, I had to do this strip in a strip club, and I was just going, please, can I have the rest of the day off? Please don't make me strip.

And when I got there, I thought, what am I going to do? And then I realised it's just like a gig, just with a slightly unusual set. Particularly with my set, which is a kind of, just a kind of mix of gurning and showing off anyway. So instead of playing the guitar and doing jokes, I dressed as a fireman and kind of, you know, licked of gurning and showing off anyway. So instead of playing the guitar and doing jokes, I dressed as a fireman and kind of, you know, licked my axe and took my top off.

I'm so glad you said axe. Well, I don't know if I'm following. Did they know that you were an amateur or did they just judge you as they judged all the other strippers on the bill? Well, I think you give them quite a sophisticated analytical response. They just went, ah! Like they did about everyone who came onto the bill. Well, I think you give them quite a sophisticated analytical response. They just went, like they did about everyone who came onto the stage.

And that's the other thing. You expect it to be seedy, but they're all sort of women out on nights out. Was that screams of joy, though, or terror? Joy. They loved it.

I think it was the fire of that outfit. They thought the place was on fire. Fair play to them. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Gareth and, more importantly, Rob Deering. Yes, yes. Rob Deering. I can't... Where's... I can't find the... Hold on. Frank is trying to find the... Rob Deer. Rob Deer. Rob Deering. Oh, God.

It's all right having the jingles. It's fine. It's what it is. Ultimately, you know, the initial link to the music is such a stretch that that extra stretch was maybe a stretch too far. Well, that's possible, but, you know, everybody's a critic. I mean, you welcome these people into your homes. I'm just pleased that you haven't done the endearing pun yet.

No. I get that a lot. Oh, done the endearing pun yet. No. I get that a lot. Oh, no. That's why we rejected it. By the way, I just played the Fratellis with Chelsea Dagger. I like to tell people what I just played. Chelsea Dagger, that's an interesting name for a song, isn't it, Rob Deering? Well, I'll tell you an interesting fact about that.

You will? Well, I look forward to it. That's good. Do you know why it's called Chelsea Dagger? No. It's a play on Britney Spears. it's called Chelsea Dagger? No. It's a play on Britney Spears. Britney Chelsea Dagger Spears. Oh.

Yeah, check it out. Now, let me pull you up on Britney Chelsea. It's American generic girls' names. Oh. So I'm told. Well, then, in that case, every woman's name is a play on Britney Spears. They're both areas as well. Britney.

Britney. Britney's a bit more than an area. It's a bit... Compared to Also, they're both areas as well. Brittany. Brittany's a bit more than an area. Compared to Chelsea, I mean. Brittany. Spears and... Have you made this up or have you read it somewhere? I read it somewhere, but they might have made it up. Yeah, well, if it was on the internet,

that might be the case. I don't know if that makes me like that song more or less. I think some of the magic has gone. Oh, no. You've spoilt it now, Rob. But surely, you know, it can be quite a rowdy song when you hear it in a club, and that can be quite frightening.

Well, I wouldn't know. I haven't been in a club since Ghostbusters, which was based in the highlight of the evening. Oh, that's weird because you won't believe this at home, but can you hold that up to our webcam? Rob Deering, it turns out, is wearing a Ghostbusters T-shirt underneath his jumper.

Ghostbusters 2, to be specific. I thought he was doing his fireman act again. I was getting quite excited. Yeah, well, exactly. Well, fancy that. There's got to be some Yeah, well, exactly. Well, fancy that. There's got to be some sort of Derek Acora type thing in that. Because there was something strange in your neighbourhood there

for a second. There was, yeah. Who I'm going to call, I have no idea. Why doesn't Derek Acora bring that out as a Christmas single? I would buy it. I'm out to this minute. It's a great... Don't you think it's one of the great pop songs, Ghostbusters? It's fabulous, I would buy it. It's a great... Don't you think it's one of the great pop songs, Ghostbusters?

It's fabulous, although you've got me on pop facts now, but apparently it was, and I say allegedly, allegedly it was royally ripped off. They said to Huey Lewis and News, can you do us a song for the new film? And they did one. They said, yeah, we don't like it. And then when the film came out,

Ray Parker Jr. had this song which sounded exactly like their one well i always think if you're going to rip someone off do lennon and mccartney not huey lewis and the news i mean that's that's the slogan in our house but i i hate to hear that i'm sure if any illegal people just ruined another song for us no i don't think anything could ruin Ghostbusters for me. It's one of those songs... I mean, I haven't been in a club for many years, but the last time I was in, they were playing that. And when you hear it really loud on a big sound system, when the...

That comes in. That sounds like Wagner. That's not Ghostbusters. Oh, yeah, actually, maybe. Looking back on it, they were actually playing Siegfried. It was an odd club. I'll be straight with you. Was it a Nazi club? You know, I think it was.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank's going on Absolute Radio. And Rob Deering is in the studio. And I'm not going to play the theme from The Deer Hunter again because I know you're getting fed up of it. Oh, I liked it. I was too mean before. Go on, play it again. Shall I give it one more?

It could be like a bed. It's a bed. The Deer Hunter, that is a long and depressing film, isn't it? You know, it's been so long since I've seen that film, I can't recall much about it, to be honest. Well, it's got Christopher Walken in it, which is always a good thing. That is good.

You're a massive film enthusiast, aren't you? Oh, yeah. See, I've sort of stopped going to the cinema. Since they've put trailers on the internet, I've thought, oh, that'll do me. Since they stopped calling it The Picture House, you've stopped going to the cinema. That's for Bioscope.

Speaking of people going out for entertainment, if someone wants to go and see you, Rob, where should they go? Well, I've got lots of lovely gigs up to Christmas. Lots of them in London. I'm going to Brighton and Northampton. Then after Christmas, I'll be doing my show where I host a night of top quality comedy with a band. Comedy Congregation is coming back.

Where is that? Because it used to be at Madam Jojo. Yeah, it's going to be in Kingston, the Grey Horse in Kingston. Oh, I'm going to go to that. You might be invited. I haven't decided, Frank. OK, well, I don't want to hang out with you. I don't want to cramp your style, as they say. I say I don't want to cramp your style. Style, as they say. I say I don't want to cramp your style. So, Sam, you did, can I, before you disappear,

you did The Weakest Link, didn't you? I did, I did the comedian special. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, you won it. Yes, I did. Did you? He's very good on quizzes. Oh. Well, do you know, I won The Weakest Link without getting any questions wrong, which is a record.

Well, it gets better. What I was going to ask you, having got the bragging out the way, is Anne Robinson, is she unfriendly off as well as on? Yeah, but only because she's trying to be. She avoids everyone and then comes out. She's trying to maintain a kind of scary aloof. I think she's not that scary,

so she works quite it works quite hard to be scary to keep the dream alive but it didn't work with comedians because what she does is heckle yeah so people like you know normal people go oh she's been horrible to me but all the comedians just came back and you get her kicked out all right and that's three you can go did she say anything nasty to you um well no well you said we go with a great thing with what she had like a thing you know something off the list that she can be mean to everyone about and her thing she was mean to me about was that they picked up that i had theoretically had a high iq right so you know oh no what a nightmare she's giving me a hard time about my high iq

and presumably the idea was i'd go out and she'd say, not such a high IQ now! Oh, God. And then melt. That's right. But, you know. I love that you won. That's brilliant. Yeah, well, it was, yeah, I won loads of money for charity.

For charity. So you had a girl back at Anne? Oh, yeah. OK. She said something about my jacket and I did this brilliant, it kind of Oscar Wilde Because I said you can talk blousey Because she's wearing this slightly silly blouse And then at another point Comedy gold I fell over

Physical comedy I think physical comedy might be the way with that Just reach as if you're going to put your arm around her And then remove the bulldog clip from the back of her head And the whole face The whole face drops into a terrible sort of blow down poppy type of my face um that's what i think so look so do go and see i'm not kidding rob rob i say he's coming back to the credit crunches i'm very happy about he's honestly you'd storm it on a regular basis it's fabulous it's a lovely gig

i love it makes life much easier hosting when you're on I just know I'm going to go back on if I get on quick enough they're not sure whether the applause is still yours or whether it's applause for me I feel I can ride on the surf the ebb and tide of your applause

and I'm prepared to do that so Rob thanks very very much for coming this morning and I don't know what to say Merry Christmas that's my first And I'm prepared to do that. So, Rob, thanks very, very much for coming in this morning. And I don't know what to say. Merry Christmas. That's my first. See, I'm pleased with that.

I'll always be the one who said Merry Christmas first to Rob Deering in 2009. Hoorah. Absolute. Radio. I was talking about that fight between the two beauty queens this week. I know. I love the idea of that. I love a cat fight.

I love it. Oh, I say I love a cat fight. I saw a cat fight once outside the Queen's Head. You know the Queen's Head, down Albury? And these two girls started fighting, and they were just slapping each other, and all these lads, me included, were going, go on, love, go on, Pull a bra strap and stuff like that.

We were shouting. And one of them had got those big loop earrings, like what you'd imagine gypsy ladies to wear. And the other one just put her two index fingers in those and ripped them. Exactly. And they went right through the lobe. And blood. I mean, it's very blood-laden, the earlobe.

They take a test often. And all these boys are going, yeah, they go, oh, no. And these big eyes, but none of us could look at it. It was, oh, dear. It wasn't anything like a normal cat fight. But it was for a good reason, this, this fight. Right. Which is Miss England, Rachel Christie.

She had a fight with someone else. Miss Manchester. Oh, you know a lot about the story. I know their measurements. In the sun, they printed their measurements. Did it? So Rachel, 34, 27, 30. She's Miss England.

And then Miss Manchester is Sarah, 34, 24, 36. Do you know, I once went out with a mermaid. 36, 24, and three and six a pound. But anyway, what I liked about the story is that they've all got superhero names. There's Miss Manchester, Miss England

and Tornado is who they were fighting. There's no real people in it. One of them, I think, Miss Manchester had previously been out with Tornado from off the gladiators. Well, that's it. And Miss England is currently, I think, going out with him. And she had a

text, a saucy text, apparently from the gladiator Tornado. She's like, I'm speaking like it's written in the sun. And she showed it to Miss England and she got very upset. So they had this fight and apparently she's had to relinquish her crown. Or she says she's given up

her crown to concentrate on clearing her name. I love how they always talk about their crowns. Because I was talking about Miss World. I said, I think her reign is coming to an end. We all accept that they're some sort of monarch-type figures. So she's going to spend how long clearing her name? Well, apparently it's a career, clearing your name. Because that's what she's spending all her time doing.

Usually people say they're going to leave their career a bit to spend more time with their children. But it's like someone who has to leave their job because they're being prosecuted saying, I'm leaving my job to spend more time with the courts. Well, I don't think it's gone to court. It's interesting, though, because that

fight outside the Queen's head in Albury was about an ex-boyfriend and a current thing. Oh, never fight over a man. No. Although I'd like to have seen our Queen of Hearts, Princess Diana and Camilla really going for it over Prince Charles. That would have been fabulous. Have you ever had any women fighting over you?

Physically fighting? No. Not that I can think of. I've had women fighting over me in the... I lay on my back and they fought over me in wrestling garb. But that was for an exhibition that I was at in the Far East. So thank you all very much for listening. We love you very much. And good day to you.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.