The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Russell Kane

Episode Date: October 10, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth discuss the most annoying words and phrases, plus funny man Russell Kane joins them to talk about his new tour 'Human Dressage'.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hey! It's the, um, Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Hey. It's the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio podcast. I'm distracted because Gareth keeps jiggling his lanyard.

Yeah, I wish you wouldn't jiggle your lanyard. It's like a carry-on film all of a sudden. It is. Brr, no. Yes. We should say that in order to get into Absolute Radio, you have to have like a, well, I call it a dibba. What would you call it?

I don't know what it is. It's a thing that you... It's a fob. Yeah. I call it a dongle. Yeah. Well, it's all those things. It's a fob.

It's a dongle. So it's West India. So, yeah, so then it goes to Frank Muir. I don't think it's a dongle because a dongle, I think, is a lithuanian word um sorry we've gone slightly off off piste um yes you have this thing and it gets you into the building and gareth in order to lose his carrying is on the lanyard around his neck and it's an it's an absolute radio lanyard so you look such a company man i cannot tell you it's poorly designed because

because i can't like it doesn't actually reach down to where you have to put it on the door to make it open from your neck. You have to crouch down. Yes. Which is not good. I'm dignified. Yeah.

I think that's... I had a friend. I think I can tell this story because he was a very dear friend of mine but he was partially sighted, right? And he worked on the Christmas Post, and I saw him, and he was standing next to a street sign about three inches away. I mean, the street sign with a letter, it was like six inches high, reading it.

And I thought, this bloke is reading the envelopes. It's a complete lottery. But anyway, he'll probably be getting another call this Christmas, what with the strike and all. Yeah. So it was a tremendous show, I thought. Yeah, I loved it. Russell Cain was on.

He's very funny. He's very funny generally and was very funny on the show. He's about to be on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Yeah, but he was very secretive about that. Oh, he couldn't say anything about it. I think he maybe already gave away more than he was supposed to. They're so touchy about it. He's on the bit afterwards where you watch the main programme

and you think, I just can't go on with my life. I need more. And then you switch over to ITV2. That's what my mum does. She watches those programmes. Yeah. OK. A little insight there into Garrett's home life.

Yeah, he was. They're so touchy about it. It was interesting, though. I mean, he gave away a couple of the guests. How's Stephen Hawking's going to get on in the jungle? I mean, the paths are very uneven. What about Sir Jonathan Miller? I know, yeah, fancy him doing it.

But I'm looking forward to hearing it again. Do you ever listen to him back, by the way, the podcast? I do sometimes, yes. Well, Vanity, thy name is Gareth Richard. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to see Simon Amstel last weekend. You know, Simon Amstel that did Never Mind the Bosco.

I know you did, actually, because I read that on Twitter. You know, on Twitter people post. Oh, God, I mean, you can't, you can't, no one has any news anymore. Someone said to, Kat said to me, this is my girlfriend, she said, oh, I remember saying on the show, I confess this, we went away to Brighton

for the week and we basically had one long argument. And I went running on the front at Brighton the promenade and it was on Twitter someone was telling me, the cath was telling me

saw Frank Skinner running along the front of Brighton look really unhappy and I thought I'm really you can't do anything now if you're some sort of celebrity it's like East Germany. It's awful. You've got to be honest. It's awful. I went to a gig the other night.

I'm not saying which one. It wasn't the Simon Amstel. But I went to a comedy gig. I know what it is because it was on Twitter. Tell me before I tell you what happened at the gig. Tell me. Go on. It was at the Monday Club. Bonus set from Alan Carr and Frank Skinner in crowd. Frank Skinner in crowd.

Because I'm being billed now as a member of the crowd. And appearing offstage, Frank Skinner. No, well, that was actually a very good gig. But I went to a gig a few weeks back, which wasn't very funny, right? And I suddenly thought to myself, I'd better start laughing soon or it'll be on Twitter. I saw Frank Skinner at Blah Blah gig didn't laugh. And that's why I've become oppressed.

I mean, if I need to have an affair at any point, I'm going to be in big trouble. But I think this is good, you see, because it's forcing you to be more honest about your life. No, it isn't. It's including that sort of... Do you think Eastern Germany brought out the best in people? No, it didn't.

It made them into sneaks. You're just worried you'll be spotted coming out of an adult cinema in a Colombo Mac. Well, yeah, I'm slightly worried about that. Do you mind if I have a look around? Saying to some porn star, my wife's a big fan of yours. No, it's terrible now.

It's just spying. I hate Twitter. I wish it would stop. Oh, I love Twitter. It's just spying. I hate Twitter. I wish it would stop. Oh, I love Twitter. Oh, you love Twitter. I'm just going to Twitter that we're talking about Twitter now. Okay, do it. So, anyway, I went to see Simon Amps.

It was very funny. And I'm happy for anyone who sat next to me to Twitter. See, you could lie on Twitter as well, couldn't you? You say tweet it. Duh. You say tweet. You tweet something. Okay, but you could lie on Twitter as well, couldn't you? You say tweet it. Duh. You say tweet. You tweet something. OK, but you could lie.

It could be a dishonest tweet. You could say, saw Frank Skinner snogging Miranda Hart, right, in Ludlow, right? Ludlow Castle, on the side of Ludlow Castle in a passionate way. You could say, I don't know how many characters that would be, two characters, basically, me and Miranda Hart. I'm not counting Ludlow Castle as a character, I'm seeing that as set. Have you not snogged Miranda Hart in Ludlow, then? No. But you see what I mean? You could do that.

And people have just accepted that that's true. Saw Frank Skinner juggling fire in a house for underprivileged children in cardiff you know very irresponsible exclamation mark don't twitter that someone you can just lie about it anyway in the audience at the simon anstall gig suddenly there was a kerfuffle was that oh my god there was a brouhaha was someone twitter god there was a brew haha was someone twittering next to you no some out shut up about it now and um why is there a toilet roll in here on a toilet roll holder is someone how long how long are people shows anyway so suddenly there was a this

one said how dare you which i always love and what had happened apparently is that all the house lights went on what had happened is that um this woman had been talking in in the audience and someone said do you mind shutting up please and the woman who was talking threw a drink over the complaining woman and and then they had an argument and then their two boyfriends apparently started hitting each other like like chivalric knights fighting on behalf of their ladies. Typical blokes thinking, why is that girlfriend having an argument? I'd better hit that woman's husband

just to sort of level things up a bit. But this was a Simon Amstel gig in Richmond. If you don't know London, Richmond is a very posh area. And Simon Amstel is a very gentle sort of... It's not like going to see the Mat Lads in Manchester or something like that.

No one out there remembers the Mat Lads. It's not even like going to see you, Frank. Yeah, exactly. There might be a scrap. Well, there might be the odd scrap. This was a Simon. I just think the people don't know how to be an audience anymore. Throwing your drink on someone never calmed down the situation.

No. It was never a calm way out. And very... You know, there's people in the third world that would have loved that vodka and orange. Absolute! Radio. So, yeah, so that audience...

Don't you find if you go and see anything and there's an audience, there's always somebody talking or on their phone or... Oh, I can't bear it. You know, people text as well. They keep their phone on. People text, I think that's because it's quite, like you sit next to someone, like in, I don't know, whatever it is you're at, and every now and again there's a blue glow

coming from their crotch area. Are you in a lap dancing club? Yeah, I was in a radioactive lap dancing club, which was slightly frightening, I must admit. Yeah, I was in a radioactive lap dancing club, which was slightly frightening, I must admit. Yeah, I once went to some modern ballet. I'm going to own up to that sort of modern dance thing.

And it was kind of incredible, because obviously it was deathly dull, but everyone was in great shape. And somebody, there was an older person who fell asleep and they were apparently they weren't snoring but suddenly they broke wind with alarming ferocity and uh the person next to me said pointed towards the stage and towards this person that said the body in control and the body out of contract and i thought that really summed up the difference um did you see that thing about uh worst i think it's an american survey was it

about most hated words and phrases and the one that one was whatever oh yeah yeah which i quite like do you yeah they had a collection of phrases that they're saying it's the kind of top 10 annoying phrases that people hate and it is what it is was another one. Yeah, and you know. Do you know what I hate? I hate it when people say, what part of no don't you understand? Any of those. What part of uh-uh don't you understand?

I hate that. I also hate, you can take the man out of uh-uh, but you can't take the uh-uh out of the man. Well, you probably can. In fact, usually. And also, it's been said so much, stop saying it. In fact, don't even go there. Oh, that's tired.

Unless, obviously, if someone's talking about Leicester. But, yeah, I hate that don't even go there. I've made a career out of going there. So I don't need that kind of stupid advice. Mine is, mm-mm, you don't know the meaning of the word. Right. You know when people say that? Well, I'm not familiar with the mm-mm on the front of it.

We were doing it. Was that when you used to learn German at school? You'd go, ooh, ooh. You could be in a hands. That sounds like Oliver Hardy. Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. I thought you were going to say, this is another nice mess you've got me.

You don't know the meaning of the word. I was doing a temping job once, and they asked me if I wanted to do it. What, a bowling alley? If they wanted to. They asked me if I wanted to do it. That will be on Sunday night's greatest hit show, I'm hoping.

It was moving furniture, this temping job, and they asked me if I wanted to do another day and I said no, it was a bit hard work and they said, hard work, you don't know the meaning of the word. But they didn't say mmm, mmm beforehand, did they? I believe they, yeah. That was when he was moving that piano

up those stairs with Oliver Hardy. Go on, carry on with your anecdote. Oh, that's it? I love that story. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We were just talking about annoying phrases. I'll tell you which one I really don't like. Any way, shape or form. Any way, shape. Oh, that's irritating. Yeah. Oh, man.

If somebody says that to me, I'll write them off as a human being. So what we thought we'd have is you can text in any words or phrases which really wind you up. Because the survey is American, and we think we should do the British version. That would be fair. And if it's anyone under under 22 most of what you say i do find quite annoying because you talk in that voice and you go and i was like oh and he was like oh random loser or you go up at the end of a sentence oh i hate that um didn't uh ronnie biggs go up at the end of a sentence actually didn't you didn't get to the end of the sentence um so we're on 8 12 15

if you want to text us that number again 8 12 15 um that was my dj voice i'm quite pleased with it so uh what else was oh yeah you had a you had a fascinating uh text in your email gareth yeah a friend of mine called hannah who is my friend at university and she's moved to japan now and she sent um us a message on facebook and she said she's still in Japan. She's getting married to a man called Wang Ping. Nice. Yeah. I like that.

So will she be Anna Ping? Hannah. Anna Ping. Well, I think, I don't know if his full name, or that's his first name. I like it, because it's an element of happening about Hannah Ping. Yeah. What I like about Wang Ping, and I'm not a man to take the mickey out of foreign names. The producer keeps flinching.

No, but I'm not taking it, but it sounds like the sound effects from when David met Goliath. It's sort of and then down he goes. But anyway, I'm guessing he's a lovely bloke. She's saying the family name is Wang, so she's going to be Hannah Wang. Hannah Wang.

Hannah Wang sounds kind of sexy, I think. She did say, she said, jokes are loud at first reading of name, then please take it seriously. Okay, well, we've got that out of the way. And now from now on, yes. She says, I kept meaning to contact Gareth when I heard he's on Absolute Radio to tell him there's a little gift shop in Mishima, a big town near where I live, that has absolute radio playing all day over its speakers through the internet. Oh, how cool!

That's so exciting! So they can hear us in Japan. I love it. So she says if we're on Saturday morning here, it'll be Saturday afternoon because they're like eight or nine hours ahead. I understand the time difference thing. I'm just...

You looked at me then like when someone explains something to an elderly person. Do you know what I mean? You know that time you left Birmingham? Yeah. Go on, so carry on. You know about Japan, don't you? Yeah, I've heard of Japan.

I've been to Japan. No, that was it. That's nice, isn't it? So there's people in a gift shop in Japan listening to us right now. But they won't know what we're saying. Oh. Oh, OK. How can we resolve this? How do you say, well, I could...

I'll tell you what, you know our famous jingle that Gareth did, which goes... Saturday morning! All we need to do is find out what that is in Japanese. Yes. But it would have to be Saturday afternoon. Okay. Well, what's Japanese for Saturday? Just a minute.

Just Google it. There you go. Right, go for it, Gareth. There you go. Then all of a sudden you go, what? I'm getting an image from Kill Bill. I don't know why I'm getting that. Absolute.

Radio. We got Russell Kane on the show later on. He was a very funny comedian. I used to Russell Kane, you know, back in the West Indies, just after the war. Oh, God. Yeah, I remember I was at the club, Colonel Fitzroy said to me, you know, Skinner,

if the military police find out you've been rustling that sugar cane, they'll string you off. I said, well, they're not going to find out. Oh, they curdled and poured him a small romp. He's a lovable old character. I wouldn't have trusted him. Have we had any emails or texts? Have we had any texts on 8-12-15?

We have. We've had loads of people who are really annoyed at nearly everything people say. Oh, really? Which is great. We find each other as British people incredibly annoying. Loads of people who are really annoyed at nearly everything people say. Oh, really? We find each other as British people incredibly annoying. So we've had lots of emails. That's good. So at the end of the day is a big one.

A lot of people have said they find the phrase at the end of the day. I think it's all right if you're making social arrangements to have a midnight feast with someone. But not if you're Alan Hansen talking about football. No, no, he does say at the end of the day. My football one, he'll be disappointed with someone. But not if you're Alan Hansen talking about football. No, he does say it at the end of the day. My football one, he'll be disappointed with that. And they always use disappointing for rubbish because they think it's a nice way of putting it. Carry on.

Karen from Bromley says I've only got one pair of hands. Really gets on their nerves. As if we didn't know, she says. Do you think chimpanzees say that? Matt from Guilford says. They have got two pairs of hands, haven't they, she says. Do you think chimpanzees say that? Matt from Guilford says... They have got two pairs of hands, haven't they, chimpanzees?

I think the feet are feet. They look like hands. They are like hands. I think if a chimpanzee child says to the mother, you know, can you pass me that? She'll say, oh God, I've only got one pair of hands. Oh no, sorry. I've got two pairs of hands. I will pass you that. Carry on. And Matt from Guilford... And furthermore... Oh, no, sorry. I've got two pairs of hands. I will pass you there. Carry on.

And furthermore... That's worryingly good, that impression. Matt from Guildford hates the phrase, jobs are good and he says he hates that. I find that irritating as well. Do you know, I'll tell you something about that phrase. I don't think I'd ever heard that phrase until Gareth said it earlier. Really?

Yeah. What do you mean, when I was reading out the text? Maybe you'd read it off the screen when it came to it, because they don't tell me what's coming through, you see. I like to keep it spontaneous. Hi. Jobs are good and I'm not familiar with. So in what context would one say jobs are good and...?

You'd say, does it mean it's as good as done or something? Is that what it means? I don't know. Oh, so you two would be like, oh, yeah, jobs are good, and now I question it, turns out you's as good as done or something? Is that what it means? I don't know. I see you two are being like oh yeah, jobs are good and now I question it turns out you're as ignorant as I am. We need someone who does a good job at something to tell us what that means.

We'll have to go out of the studio to find them. I've got another one. Sharon says I really don't like the word cheeky being used before everything, i.e. going for a cheeky run to get a cheeky drink. I think that's true. That is quite true. Although, obviously, I don't mind it in the context of

we are the cheeky girls, you are a cheeky, and all that, you know, cheeky holiday and all that stuff. Just going to go and have a cheeky girl? No, but if you were going to go, if that was, I can't remember his name, who was that Welsh MP? Lembeth Opik. Yeah, if he said, I'll just go and have a cheeky girl, then that Welsh MP? Lembert Opik.

Yeah, if he said, I'll just go and have a cheeky girl, then that would be fine. I'd accept that. Sandra hates the phrase, they're not a happy bunny. What on earth does that mean? Yeah, that is ridiculous, yeah.

That's a good one, that. And we've also got Anitra Neltam who says, I hate the phrase all the trimmings whenever people talk about Xmas dinner. But... Oh, OK. I think that's all right with that about Xmas dinner. Oh, okay. I think that's alright with that. People use it for all sorts of phrases.

I think it's when you use a phrase to mean what it literally means, it's okay. But when it becomes that... Because when you say, I'm going out for a meal tonight with all the trimmings or I'm going to get a car with all the trimmings. Yeah. Or Lembe Opik saying, I'm going to have a cheeky girl with all the trimmings. Yeah. Or Lemby Opik saying,

I'm going to have a cheeky girl with all the trimmings. You think, oh, God, keep that to yourself, Lemby. Involve a little sausage wrapped in bacon. I once was in a Catholic church and the priest said, I remember when I was a small child and Daddy would do the rosary and Mummy would do all the trimmings. And I quite liked that.

Remember, he went on to say... And I used to think it was a bit long, but looking back, it was nice. And that lived with me for a long time. So that was a phrase... That was an occasion when the trimmings was good. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Can I say, by the way, we have a lot of lovely texts saying how people really, really like the show and listen to it all the time, but we don't read any of them out because I just would feel a bit of a... a bit of a doodah reading out stuff about people saying that they love the show. I would, and I'd love it.

I know you would. I've had to talk you out of it. I know. Well, me and them will get together and we'll just read them to each other. I would, and I'd love it. I know you would. I've had to talk you out of it. I know. Well, me and them will get together and we'll just read them to each other. I love to hear them, because they're very uplifting, but I just, I would feel embarrassed and a bit, you know...

Can I say up myself? I think I can. A bit up myself to read them out. But thanks very much. Yeah, thank you. It's mucho apreciato, as I believe they used to say in Latin. We had some good ones during the week.

Stuart Leatherland, or is that Stuart in Leatherland? I don't know. Is he currently in Leatherland as we speak? I hope so. I can't hear the squeak of settees. I'm going to go and see Stuart. Oh, which Stuart? You know, Leatherland Stuart.

He's always in Leatherland. Maybe he works in Leatherland. Oh, yeah. He says, hi, Frank, Gareth and Emily. I've just been listening to your podcast from two weeks ago and heard you say that Craig Revel Horwood isn't as orange as he was before. That is true. Well, yeah.

And he says, I'm not surprised. After all, nobody likes the orange Revels, do they? Oh. That's good. I'm hoping it's his. I'm hoping it's not from the son. Yeah. Yeah, but that's good.

Carl Wallace says lots of nice things. I'm hoping it's his. I'm hoping it's not from the son. Yeah. Yeah, but that's good. Carl Wallace says lots of nice things. He says, anyway, my question, Frank, is why do we never see baby pigeons? Oh. Do you mean like little pigeons? Like little child. Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? When I've seen pigeons, and you do see pigeons in London, where I live, I've never seen little pigeons with them

being carefully looked after by a mother pigeon. They're called squabs. Are they squabs? I know that because I've seen it on a menu. That's the only reason I know. Oh, God, I thought that was going to be a lovely cosy point you were making. See, on a menu?

What, do you just have them... Do you just eat them like profiteroles? Oh, yeah, because I'm the one that eats weird food. Yes. Me and Gareth, we went a bit macho yesterday, which is not very me and Gareth. What were you doing? We went out for lunch, us three,

with Emma, our producer, who is also the producer of the new Dave Gorman show, which has signs all over the studio saying we've got a plug that's on tomorrow morning at ten. So, anyway, yeah, we went and we had pigs trotters yeah it was why did you do it i just said it so i could say to the woman have you got big starters and she could say no i always walk like this but it didn't happen because um she was mexican and you kept waving your hands at her which you had in a trotter formation but i did it's hard to explain this I... But I did. It's hard to explain this, but I made like a pig trotter.

I moved two fingers to one side and two fingers to the other side to make pig's trotters, and I tried to order it in mine. Anyway, when they came, they weren't... I thought they would be like a big pig's foot, maybe in a glove. It's a deep-fried pig's trotter, and I was expecting like a pig's trotter, deep-fried. Yeah, yeah. I was imagining...

I had a terrible image of live pigs forced to put their feet into those deep fried things you get in chip shops. That's what I thought was going to happen. But no, it was in like a little envelope of pastry. It was like a Finder's crispy pancake with breadcrumbs on. And other pancakes are available. Yeah, it was like someone had minced up some dead baby birds, not pigeons, obviously. It was just like gristle, wasn't it?

I think there was some dog spit in it. There were shards of bone and tendon. It was horrible. I still don't feel right. I haven't felt right since. So lay off the pig strotters. That's what I'm saying. And if there's any pigs listening, don't bite your nails because it'll make you feel a bit sick.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And I need to go for time check. And I never give a time check. Why did I do that? I had a sort of Tony Blackburn flashback. You're an all-professional DJ. Yes.

So, yeah, there's tension in the studio, I'll be quite honest with you. You know, there's an England game today. Oh, yeah, Ukraine. But it's not really that important. It'd be nice to win, but there's no real... Because if we lose, it doesn't matter, we're still in the World Cup in South Africa.

So I thought we'd try and replace that with a contest that had got a real... People really cared who was the winner. And it turns out, I found... I haven haven't heard these but it turns out in conversation that both gareth and emily do an impression i think should i say the impression is off or should i say yeah they'd both do a david mitchell impression yeah i've done mine once before when alistair mcgowan was in oh did you oh that obviously left a lasting impression yeah you know if you're going to be competing with alistair mcgowan you're going to be having problems like do you do fat david mitchell or thin david mitchell oh i do just lovely david mitchell okay well he was always

lovely you're suggesting he is what is not lovely now or he wasn't lovely when he was returned i do lovely slim david mitchell oh okay okay so i'm going to do grotesquely fat david mitchell well that's good it's a kind of a walk it's a walk down david mitchell memory lane you're Slim David Mitchell. Oh, OK. I'm going to do grotesquely fat David Mitchell. Well, that's good. It's a kind of a walk. How dare you? It's a walk down David Mitchell memory lane. I enjoy that. It's the two ages of David Mitchell, before and after.

I can see him now. I can see the big one, and I can see a picture of him after, holding a large pair of trousers out at the front, like Slimmer of the Year does. I don't know why you didn't do that as a publicity show. It was obvious, wasn't it, really? OK, so I think we'll start. Shall we do ladies first? Yes, I think so. OK didn't do that as a publicity shot. It was obvious, wasn't it? Okay, so I think we'll start. Shall we do ladies first? Yes, I think so.

Okay, I know that's a traditional role. I don't want loads of feminists phoning up saying, I've never been so... Anyway. Can you just set me up here, please? Because, you know, I've actually seen... I like to think I am setting you up for this particular incident. Carry on. Can you play the paparazzi saying,

David, please, can I take your photo? And then I'll come in, because this is what I saw him saying once. Can I just point out, the paparazzi do never say, please, can I take your photo? But is that what you want me to say? Or something along those lines. David, David! Look, I'm doing it.

You work on your fat David Mitchell in a corner. You'll be sorry you hadn't done your warm-ups when it comes to it. OK, here we go. Are we ready? I'm a little bit nervous now. Imagine we're at a London premiere. There's a red carpet. I think it comes slim.

I'm going to say lithe, David Mitchell. David, David, come and take your photograph. David. Actually, I'm finding it rather difficult to think of anything I'd like less. Pretty good, I thought. There was an element of Lord Charles. I remember Ray Allen and Lord Charles. Well, you're a pretty little thing, aren't you?

There's an element of that. But it was good. I think, you know, that was good. Thanks, Frank. Out of ten? Oh, no, do you want to wait to do the scores? Oh, let's wait. I haven't heard Fat David Mitchell yet.

I haven't heard Fat David Mitchell for a long time. I can't remember if the Tom... We could let the listeners vote for their favourite one, couldn't we? We could, but, you know, they've got better things to do. And I need a subject for David Mitchell to have a rant about, one of his panel show rants. OK, do you want to tell me what it is? No, no.

We want ad hoc. Yes. What would be a good subject? I have problems with the script, because I'm not clever enough to think of any of the things he would actually say. That's very, very humble of you. Don't put yourself down. I think you're a very clever man. Not as clever as David

Mitchell, I admit. No, no. Okay, well, what would he rave? We need to choose a subject. This is Fat David Mitchell, so he'd probably rave about thin people, wouldn't he? People would diet him. He's never fat. Don't act like he was Oliver Hardy or something. He's never that fat. I watched some YouTube clips last night and and he did used to be a little i think he'd be happy to be fair because now he's off weight you know he's

done you know he's done a great job he fought against a terrible amorphous mass of himself and won okay so thin okay so um uh david uh i should be who should I be then? Have I got to be someone as well? No. Okay, I'll be me. Imagine I'm doing a... Mike Yarwood. Okay, so I'll be Frank Skinner. So, David, what do you think about dieting?

The thing I don't like about thin people is they're always not eating anything, and then when they do eat something, they eat, like, lettuce or something, and that's not even a proper food. It's like a tiny watery vegetable. Oh, man, that was absolutely...

I've got to say, I'm going to give the score. Emma's was good, but... You're the victor. That was a hell of a fact, David Mitchell. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Honestly, that was brilliant. If a guest doesn't turn up one week,

I think we can say we've got David Mitchell. And as long as he just rants. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know what? Russell Cain is in the studio. Hooray. Hello, Russell.

Good morning. Thank you for coming in. Because a lot of comedians don't get up this early. I don't know if you're aware of that. I stayed in the nearest hotel that I could get at the cheapest price on late rooms as close as possible to the studio. It's about five minutes walk from here next to a building. Just to get the minimum route from alarm clock to here. So you don't live in London, then? No, I live in

Westcliff-on-Sea, which is a posh way of saying Southend-on-Sea. Oh, yeah. Oh, I know Westcliff. It is quite posh. Oh, how lovely to live by the seaside. It's the posh end of Southend. Yeah. Not as many chip wrappers. Are you from Southend? All my family are from Westcliff originally, but by the time I was born, I was brought up in North London Enfield.

And then I met Sadie and she lived in Southend. She went, let's move to London. I went, no, let's go back to the coast for glimpses of the estuary. Oh, lovely. That's how estate agents sell the houses around there. They write estuary glimpses from the bedroom window. Estuary glimpses. Oh, I love it.

I think that's enough though isn't it with an estuary i don't want a full-on vision of it i'm happy with a glimpse just a teasing glimpse yeah say these is your girlfriend i should point out in case people think yeah fiance we're getting married on january the 9th why didn't i go oh maybe because I've been married. So, yeah, well, that's good. Congratulations. We keep getting married on that weird date because we keep putting dates in and having to postpone them because comedy will just eat up any date you put into your diary.

But on January the 8th, nothing happens. No-one wants to do anything January the 9th, rather. And so I thought, January the 9th, what can get in the way of it the week after New Year? So we put it in there. Hold it. I think if you book a wedding date, you just don't let things eat into it. Yeah, but you do, though. Most people don't move it for a gig.

Yeah, but Sadie and I are both egotistical comedian and comedienne, so it's like, it's £50, close the show in order shop, and that's the end of the wedding. Have you considered getting married on stage at a gig? I proposed on stage. Oh, did proposed on on stage oh did you really yeah where at it was a it was a little a local uh gig we had about 100 people in the audience and i'd rehearsed a secret sketch with another actress that was was going to be in the show with us so sadie thought it was going to be the end of the show but it wasn't so they went backstage to get out of costume to come out to bow at the end so she thought so while she was backstage i communicated in boards that i'd written on what was really about to happen so i was lifting up these boards it's not really the

end of the show no one say anything everyone stay quiet i'm gonna ask sadie to marry me live on stage and some blokes started crying straight away that's so beautiful gary everyone's called gary and sadie came out and no one was clapping it was a really weird atmosphere of course she was nervous you need to feel in control when you're on stage and sarah and i start doing this sketch and acting and you could see the penny dropping in sadie's mind and the punchline was asked her to marry me there was this horrible silence loads of people filming it for youtube it could have been cliff of the century if she'd said no but she said yes and it was just like when you blew the windows out of the theatre, it was amazing. Was there any point when you thought she might say no? No, no.

OK. Comedian's ego, come on. Yeah, come on. I was at a West Brom game a couple of weeks ago, and a bloke went out on the pitch and proposed to his girlfriend. And I was one of the many people going, you don't know what you're doing. But we lost.

It's a miserable game. We lost at home to a team in 16th position, Crystal Palace. And for me, that proposal, if I was there, will always be associated with misery and disappointment. Did he propose off the back of the loss, did he? No, no, he was at half-time. I think he was still optimistic. It was a marvellous metaphor

for marriage. Sorry, I'm sorry. It shouldn't be like that, you're getting married. It's half-time. Who knows? It might go horribly wrong. Will you marry me? Exactly. As long as you're not marrying Neil Warnock, I think you're alright. That was a football remark for anyone who got it. I know you would have enjoyed that.

That was so specific. I actually crashed then. It needed to be reset. I'm sorry. I tell you what, shall I just put the ad specific, I actually crashed and needed to be reset. I'm sorry. I'll tell you what. Shall I just put the adverts on while you clear up that nosebleed? Absolute. Radio. We are with Russell Kane today. And there should be some whooping, but we don't really do whooping on this show.

No. It's a little tawdry. That was me whooping myself. Yeah, OK. It's the most tragic moment of my career. Come here whooping yourself. Where are my whoopers? Where are my whoopers? Where are my whoopers?

I can't see your whoopers from here. So, yes. So, we played another trail there for the Dave Gorman show, which starts at ten o'clock, just in case anyone doesn't know. And did you hear that bit

when he's talking and Emily comes in? I love that. Yeah. Oh, creepy, creepy, creepy. So, Russell, you're on tour I love that. Oh, creepy, creepy, creepy. So, Russell, you're on tour at the moment.

Yeah, I've only just started, really. I went on tour on Thursday 1st October. I'm touring for two months. It was supposed to be two months. I've had to postpone some dates, but more or less every night in October. What, for your marriage? Yeah.

No, no, of course not. No, don't be ridiculous. It's something important. Yeah, so I'm on tour for the whole of October, all the way up and down the country. I really enjoy touring. Some comedians don't enjoy it, but because Sadie's my support act,

I don't get the homesickness thing. So every night's just like being on a bit of a holiday. We go and stay in a hotel and have a curry afterwards. I know it's a bit sickening, but I do enjoy it. I have to ask you about this, though, because there is... I mean, I... I can't bear to put it.

The support act, the whole thing with the support act, there's a general acceptance that they're not as good as the main act. Or newer. But not as good, usually. I mean, I would never in a million... And no disrespect to I've had some marvellous support acts, but you don't pick one who's too good. You know what I mean?

Well, I find that... Say, like, last night I had a support acts, but you don't pick one who's too good. You know what I mean? Well, I find that, say like last night I had a support act, I went on and absolutely stormed it in the first half, Chris Ramsey, and I find it makes it easier for me. If the audience had lost it and had an amazing time... I wouldn't have gone on. They come back thinking... They come back thinking,

well, how good is Russell going to be tonight if the first guy was this good? I think it can work both ways. Has that happened to me, that the support that would have come off to find me in tears, mascara down my face, saying,

well, why don't you do the whole show then? That's a British thing, isn't it, that I just want a little bit of disaster or mediocrity before I win? I want someone who people are in the bar saying, well, he's all right. I quite liked it. He's all right, you know.

Because if you go out for a meal, you don't want the starter to be so brilliant that the main course feels, oh, God, it's all right, but not like the starter. Anyway, my point... Sorry, Russell, carry on. No, but the good thing about using Sadie's was she's very different. So even if she's excellent,

but she's of her own types of character, comedian, it's scripted, so the audience gets something like a short film before a movie. They get something else to think about and to feel in a different way and then i go on and and destroy it let me put it to you this way if sadie if sadie's career absolutely took off and she became a big star she said to you russell would you mind supporting me on tour you'd be fine with that yeah yeah if i was already sort of waning and travel lodging why not yeah that's good. I'm just putting my own new rope.

Obviously, you are OK with it. I have my own new rope. Trying to find gaps in my personality. It's fine. Let's stick a pin in it. I think it's fair. See, I'd have a problem. If I lived with a comedian, if my girlfriend was a comedian,

I'd say, well, another problem I'd have is that thing. Oh, you're full of problems in the morning. You know if you're having a conversation and one of you says something funny in the midst of a conversation then you go, oh, hold on, well, whose joke's that? Because it's come from both of us talking. Yeah, that would be mine. That would be your joke.

Well, that's all you need. You just need a sister. It's as simple as that. So you're on tour at the moment. If anyone wants to see Russell Kane, who is very funny, I saw the show in Edinburgh, as did Emily, and Gareth couldn't be bothered, just because he had several shows of himself to do. He used that as a...

He seems to have loads of time. Yeah, so do go and see Russell Kane. You will not be disappointed. That's the Frank Skinner absolute guarantee. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Russell Kane is with us here on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Russell Kane is with us here on Absolute Radio. And you're on tour at the moment.

And anyone who missed you in London last night at the Bloomsbury Theatre, they can see you again in London, can't they? Yeah, it sold out, so I put an extra date on tour. That's Thursday 29th October. Just head to my MySpace page. I'm going to go to that gig. I might take Dave Gorman. Yeah, you might take Dave Gorman.

I love him. As I like to call him. I love Dave. I really do love him. You're also, Russell, you're also doing the, I don't know what the name of it is, but it's the spin-off programme for I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Yeah, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here Now, I believe. Is that what it's called?

I hope it's called that, otherwise I don't even know the title of the show. OK, that sounds like a slightly more insistent celebrity. Yeah, it's all happened a bit quickly, because I've obviously had the tour programmed in and everything, but the ITV2 came along and saw a stand-up show, a freshers' ball of all places. They said, do you want to come on and be on the show? I can't say what I'm doing,

I can't say where it is or who I'm doing it with, but let's just say it's very exciting. And it'll be for the whole of, more or less the whole of November I'll be working on it. Well, that'll be exciting. You'll be able to hang out. Well, I don't know who you'll be able to hang out with because I don't know where you're going to be. If you're going to be in Bury, you're not going to be hanging out with anyone except from the people of Bury, well I don't know who you'll be able to hang out with because I don't know where you're going to be if you're going to be in Bury

you're not going to be hanging out with anyone except from the people of Bury which I understand is a very nice place. Yeah. Okay so what kind of thing will you be doing on there do you know? Will you be interviewing Well I'm hoping that there's going to be a lead presenter, female presenter so I'm hoping

I'll have my own sort of comedy corner which is great because then I'll get to do my sort of stand-up observations about things that's happened in the show it's always great if you're working on one of those shows if you can still do what you do rather than just doing the links and stuff so yeah i'm hoping that's what's going to happen oh good i think it might okay and uh and then we can't say and i might be reading out tweets as well sorry frank oh will you what is it tweets are all right about I'm a celebrity, get me out of it, because they're filmed 24 hours a day anyway, so they have no secrets.

Have you not ever had any tweets about you which you thought, I'd rather people didn't know them? I've stopped self-googling. I went to therapy and gave it up. Well, I've stopped self-googling as well, but, yeah, not gone to the tweeters. I'm trying to get into this Twitter thing, because I know I need to get on board with it.

I get through about a couple of days, and then I just get bored and stop updating my Twitter. Yeah. And I need to get into it. You don't need to get into it. Today is where the fight back starts here. Speak for yourself. I love it.

I'm going to be tweeting as soon as I finish this show. Yes, I'm going to start tweeting. Emily as I finish this show Yes, I'm going to start tweeting Emily from Absolute Radio Love Dave Borman Seen with a very elderly rich man In a Mayfair hotel I wish People just think it was me

So you used to work in advertising, Russell Yeah How was that? Because you seem a very I imagine people in advertising Are quite hard bitten and? Because you seem a very, um, I imagine people in advertising are quite hard-bitten and ruthless, and you seem a very gentle, warm man. It's slightly upgrading what I did. I would say I was

a copywriter in marketing. There was a distinction, so rather than the big, exciting poster campaigns in television, I was you know, the win-a-flight guy. Oh, okay. It was like, what can we do with this headline? We need to give away flights, and there's a possibility of winning, and then I'd do loads of creative versions, but they would always run with win a flight.

And I had to copy-check terms and conditions. Point one, only open to people in the UK. I think I nailed that one. But because they wanted to be, it was still like... Did you write golf sale? Yeah, well, effectively... Oh, you've seen my work. And there was just loads of pink fluffy cubes

and loads of really creative furniture and big glass walls and people sitting in brainstorms going, I wonder if the answers win a flight. Nailed it, let's lunch. But it still was quite, it was still, you know, no life. Work from 6am to 8pm, no holidays. Come in and work for free on the weekends, live for the business. It was that kind of atmosphere.

And that in the end, I thought, I want to be creative, but I'd rather stay in bed until about 5pm every day. And then stand-up came along. Yeah. Which is better, isn't it? Oh, yeah. God, yeah. It is much better.

Come and see my new show, Win a Flight, next year. I'd go to that. I mean, you would get people, wouldn't you? Think, oh, great, you can win a flight, apparently. There'd be some legal problems. That's the last link with Russell. I'm missing you already, Russell. But

go and see Russell on tour. I'm giving you the personal stamp of approval. He's a very funny comedian. And it was lovely speaking to you today. Thank you for having me. And thanks for getting up early. I know comedians don't like you, but you did it. And that was Russell Kane.

Hoorah. Bye. Absolute. Radio. Did we find out about baby pigeons? Someone asked why we never see baby, not why we never see baby pigeons, why no one ever does. Yeah, the listeners were all over it. Paul said baby pigeons are not seen because they can't fly

and not develop no feathers. Not develop no feathers? Yeah, it's a cockney. Oh, OK. They stay in the nest. So if you pigeon in a pigeon nest in breeding time you would see loads oh well i must remember to look in a pigeon nest at breeding time well i know that the another reason is that they spoil them they treat them like surrey crews a bit they overindulge them yeah yeah they do yeah they spoil them in the you You know, they mollycoddle them. And they don't let them leave the nest until they're older.

Well, my grandad used to keep pigeons. And when they're babies, they are hideously ugly. Right. And then when the feathers start to come through, they come through like horrible grey spines. So do they not want people to see them? Is that why they keep them in the nest? They keep them inside, basically, because they're freaks.

Oh, I don't think that's got to the bottom of that. Have we had any more phrases that people hate? Yeah, Abbey in London, the phrasal word literally used entirely inappropriately, as in, I'm literally going to kill you. I remember a driver saying to me, I'm sorry I'm late,

he said, but honestly, he said, it was raining cats and dogs literally. And I thought, no, that's incorrect. Surely that's incorrect. Basically, I ate it when people say basically. Oh, there's a couple of basicallys here. Is there? OK, yeah.

Bill in, I can never pronounce this, Ca-philly. Ca-philly. Ca-philly, OK. Bill in Ca-philly. Oh, Bill in Ca-philly says, oh, that sounds good, doesn't it? Yeah, it's like Lily Allen.

Yeah, Bill in Ca-phaffilly says the annoying phrase is, he turned round and said... I've got to say that... There's something I love about it. I heard a bloke the other day say, so I turned round and I said to the doctor, and I thought, did the doctor say, why did you do that pirouette thing?

He went, right. I like the idea of people turning round before speaking. It's like, you know, when impressionists turn away and moss their hair up and come back in another. That's a good one, Bill. I'm all for that. Liz says, I experienced an overwhelming inner rage when I asked someone how they are and they say, oh, not three bad. Yes. Those people always say how you're diddling as well.

I'm worried about her overwhelming inner rage. This is a name we should make a note of for when she shoots 18 people in a post office. If you literally feel an overwhelming inner rage, please do seek help. Exactly. She'll end up turning the gun on herself. Oh, yeah, that's what they always do at the end.

We've had one from Eileen. Right. Which says, there's plenty more fish in the sea. Somebody said this to me when my husband tragically died. Oh, God. Who would say that? Oh, God, I don't know. That's what you say when you dump somebody, isn't it?

Or when they've been dumped. Well, when you've been dumped. When they've been dumped, you don't say. Not when you've dumped somebody. If I dump somebody, I'm about to say, have you dumped her? There was playing more fish in the sea i know that's why i've dumped her don't worry about that i'm aware of that yeah that was incredibly insensitive well i mean good of you i didn't know to text it in i mean yeah especially if he was like no no no mobsters yes and i think we've gone far enough is that enough've gone, yes, thanks OK, anything else?

We're moving towards the end of the show I should think Well yeah We're going to hand over to Ben Jones today which is a new experience for us I've never handed over to Ben Jones before so that'll be lovely and what are you doing this week? Anything exciting Gareth?

I'm doing the Credit Crunch Cabaret on Monday Oh you are? I'm doing that as well. What, at the Lyric Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue? Well, it's a small world, isn't it? But I wouldn't like to sweep it. OK. So, that's all from us. Have a lovely weekend.

And all I can say, really, is... Well, good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. well, good day to you