The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Sarah Millican

Episode Date: February 20, 2010

On this weeks show Frank and Gareth had a debate about manners, Emily had a few words to say about Ashley Cole and Sarah Millican answered the nations problems.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Hello, you. Well done. You've downloaded the Frank Skinner podcast. You're really going to like it if you like Frank Skinner, and I'm guessing you do because you've downloaded his podcast. Do you like Ian Lee? Yeah, that crazy guy who used to be on the TV and is really funny? You don't?

Hmm, disappointing, because I would like to recommend you go and download his podcast. You might find it funny. I tell you what, why don't you go and give it a try and see if you like it? Yeah? Nice one. Here's Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio Absolute Radio One for the podcast intro Two for the morning sun

Three for the man who stands his round Welcome to the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio podcast I'm here with Emily and Gareth Hello Hello And the show's on its way. We just thought we'd give you a little preamble so you know what you're going to get.

Sarah Millican is our special guest. She was funny. Oh, she was great. She's lovely. She's nice. She's all lovely. And I don't normally like the Geordie accent, but I liked it on her.

Oh, you don't normally like it? No, I don't. like it no i don't i have a bit of a phobia about it but i did you used to um clean toilets in the nightclub i don't think she cleaned toilets that woman she used to actually emily will know her name i knew i just knew i think she's one of those that handed out extra strong mints I don't like that when there's a man down there waiting for you No, I don't want a mint after I've urinated

I don't feel the need I feel I've already steamed myself Oh I like it, lollipop and a spray puff you've nothing wrong with that No, I really don't When I'm in a town I want to get out What about when you don't have the pound and then there's the big dance?

I don't remember the big dance. But that's interesting. I'd like to do some modern ballet. So you can just slow dance with them instead of the pound? But we wanted to do that after the toilet. No, I meant the dance around the exchange of the money. You know why? No, I don't like that. I don't like

the idea that those people are down in the toilet all night for a start-off. I think that just seems wrong. And I also don't want to give them any money. That's also my main concern. I also feel I'm being watched by them. And I don't like being watched when I'm at the urinal.

I feel that they're getting ready. They're getting poised. They're already, you know, they're raising an aftershave bottle and not that I shave in the toilet. Almost never. But no, I'm against it. And luckily most of the places I go don't have it, but I know

your posh clubs go for it. Am I right, Em? Oh, yeah. Do you normally give them a pound? No. Good. normally give them a pound? No. Good. I give them helpful advice. That's what I give them. What like?

Well, like, for example, you can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but the size of the crowd at your funeral will still be largely dictated by the weather. That's good. And they say, do you want a napkin? I say, no, no, it's fine. I just let it dry naturally. I don't know what Sophie Omagwakpu would think of that advice.

Well, yeah, I think she'd say, that's all very well, but where's my pound? And then I'd have to hit her. Praise is like perfume. Sniff it, but don't drink it. Oh. That's good advice. Yeah, but then you see, what happened then is that she'd think you were asking for perfume.

Not she. There wouldn't be a she in there. Anyway, so it wasn't in any way staged in a toilet, the show. No. And I don't want anyone to think that it is because of that intro. But Sarah Millican was there. Meaning? No, that she was in the show Oh, okay

I thought you meant there was some sort of toilet connection No, no Okay, yeah, so Sarah Millican, Spike, as I like to call her And she was great And so listen to the show And you won't regret it Absolute Radio

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, with Gareth. It's a hot news day. We've got a gold medal in the Winter Olympics. We've won a gold medal, in case you don't know, a woman called Amy Williams, who obviously, I don't know who she is, but she's won the Lady Skeleton. Oh. That's not the prize.

That's the name of the... I wouldn't mind one of them. If it's the real one. I don't think they say the ladies anymore. That's dated me a bit. The women's. She's won the women's skeleton, is what she is. The skeleton bob, I think they call it.

Oh, OK. I like a skeleton with a bob. Because I find if they have long hair, it tends to get trapped in the shoulder blades when they raise their arms. And then they start sort of squealing, and you get that horrible, completely open jaw thing. Anyway, that's... And she's apparently her twin sister watched it in the pub back home.

You know, they always watch these. Oh, that's nice. I like being her twin sister, because everyone in that pub was looking at the twin sister and thinking, so what are you doing? What, you're in a pub and your twin sister, part of the same egg, is a gold medalist. I mean, what happened to you? What are you, the albumen of the egg and she's the yolk? That's what's going on there.

So what is the skeleton bob? What does it involve? Don't call me Bob. I've told you that before. The skeleton bob is you slide down a hill on a skeleton. Skeleton Bob? What does it involve? Don't call me Bob. I've told you that before. The Skeleton Bob is you slide down a hill on a skeleton. Look at you go. It's the one who loses the least amount of vertebrae. Wearing a bobbed wig.

Yeah, exactly. Skeleton Bob makes me think of Posh Spice for some reason. I can't think why. Oh, satire. That's a terrible thing. for some reason. I can't think why. Oh, satire. It's a terrible thing.

It's a bit like the bobsleigh. You don't know what you're talking about either. I think it doesn't matter. I think if you talk about any subject long enough, you'll understand it. That's my theory. We've tried it on this show many times. And okay, it's hit and miss.

But yes, it's like show many times. And, okay, it's hit and miss. But, yes, it's like, you know, the luge. Well, you know Mona Lisa that hangs in the luge. No, sorry. It's like a shoot. You get on a shoot and... Somewhere between the luge and the bobsleigh, but for one. There you go. That's that sorted.

That's that sport. And all you EastEnders fans will be excited because you know who's killed Archie. Oh, what was that thing going on last night? Ghastly people in some awful pub. I can watch it. No, I think that was the twin sister watching that. They should have combined the two.

They should have had her in the Vic. No, it was live last night. They performed it live. And not only do I not care who... It's been so long since i watched these senders in fact i didn't know it's still on and uh not only do i not know who killed archie i don't know who archie is so his death is not affected it's bad enough when it's recorded why would i want to watch it when mistakes might happen well apparently a couple of people did fluff their lines did they oh i wish i'd seen it now exactly i love the idea of all over britain there'll be unemployed

theater actors all going well of course you see they can't they can't do live talk of course these people they're all right with retakes i'd love to how dare you speak about my mother like that sorry i did think of your mother when i said that, I must admit. So, yes, it's all happening. And Tiger Woods has done his big confession as well. Oh, that was a bit creepy, wasn't it? He is a bit creepy. Yeah. I find philanderers, generally, men who get through,

like ladies' men, are a creepy breed. They are. I know what you mean. You have to be a little bit sinister to be a ladies man women love that though women love creepy I think all adulterers should have to do that sit there with a semi circle of hate

everyone sitting around having to answer for yourself it's a great idea he had to sit in that little room and everyone staring at him even the most domestic of... Somebody from Sheffield who's committed adultery would have to get... Have to go to your local pub and everyone sits there and looks at you saying

j'accuse with their arms folded. I think that's a good idea. And it should be broadcast on international TV. Well, no, that would get dull, wouldn't it? I mean, imagine how many people there are out there. Listening to this show now, if you're listening with a partner, I'd say the chances that that partner is currently having an affair is about... It's got to be 20%.

Why don't you have a chat about it while we play this? Absolute Radio. Listen, this is the newspaper. It's about Tiger Woods' confession. There's a bit I said when he said, I do plan to return to golf one day. I don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out it will be this year. I felt there should be another couple of sentences that said,

actually, I'm in a thing next week. In fact, actually, I've got to go now. I'm teeing off in 10 minutes. I like that he pointed out that his wife wasn't to blame yeah funny that because we never thought she was yeah i'll just say she never hit me can i make that clear she's never hit me she's been completely decent through the whole thing yeah actually we didn't come here to think all that poor tiger woods has been hit by his wife i wish i'd been sat in that semicircle. I'd have had a few things to say. Now, listen, we've had a text in, Frank. Samantha is in Philadelphia.

Samantha. There isn't a song called that, but if there was, it would go like that. Well, she's in Philadelphia. OK. And she says, it's 3am in America. Me and my friends are crowded around my computer trying to sober up prior to bed.

Oh, she's made it sound a bit sleazy now. I'm going to school in America and have forced all my friends to listen to you. Now it's become ritual on Friday nights Oh, she's made it sound a bit sleazy now. Isn't that cool? Marvellous. I can hear the clink of orthodontic braces as they laugh. Oh, lovely. Are they having a frat party? I'm seeing pigtails.

I'm seeing those college jerseys, you know. Yeah. I'm seeing pigtails. I'm seeing those college jerseys, you know. Yeah. I'm seeing pig eyes. I'm seeing all. Yeah. How marvellous. There might be some jock men there. I like jocks. There won't be any jock men there.

I don't think it's that kind of thing. Frat house. You see, I don't know what a frat house is, but now I've been on radio. I imagine a frat house is somewhere you go and get frat. Well, you want any frat? Well, you've got any frat? Well, do you want the large or the small? The more we talk about it, the more I feel we're coming to understand it.

Yeah, exactly. Again, you see, all you've got to do in life is talk things through. Well, that's lovely. I love the idea of pretty young women listening to this in the middle of the night. Maybe they should have a pillow fight. Yeah, they should have a pillow fight. Yeah, they should have a pillow fight. And they should have a baby shower. That's what they have, isn't it? Baby showers. Don't look at me like

I've said something wrong. No, but they might wear a baby doll nightie. Now you've taken me to a place where I want to go. I want to think of these lovely little girls expanding their minds with education. At 3am till 5am.

I bet you that after this they all watch Annie the Musical. That's my bet. I can see them now. Hey hobo man, hey dapper Dan you've both got your style but brother you're never fully dressed. I'm waiting for you to join in without a smile. I'm still waiting for you to join in. You're close with me. I'm waiting for you to join in. Without a smile. I'm still waiting

for you to join in. You're close with me. I'm still waiting. Yeah, that'll be great. We've had another text from Alistair who was talking about the show last night and says, I love your Hamlet photo. Very handsome. Oh, I know what that is. Yes, I did a thing called

The Bobble last night on BBC2. Still getting TV work. Yeah. And, yeah, they showed a picture of me from a newspaper article. And it was, I think it's the best picture I've ever had taken. It was me looking slightly upward in a scarf. It was. It was very moody.

I liked that show last night. You were kind of, you were locked away for three days. I'm not saying that's why I liked it. No. I was locked away. Yeah, I was locked away locked away well it turned out to be four days really and it's very odd being completely away from the world for four days um and i i tell you what i did this is you know when you get the idea you've got some time some spare time like i know it never really happens in life i thought i'll i'll use it constructively. And I could still scarcely believe I did this,

but I was in my room on my own, and I thought, you know, I've got a bit of time on my hands, I'm going to have a crack at levitation. Why would you do that? Because it's... Levitating has long been... Ever since I was a child, it's a thing I've fantasised about. You know when people dream about flight? And, you know, it's never with me.

No, I never dreamt about that. I dreamt about getting off with Simon Le Bon. I didn't dream about flight or levitating. Oh, OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Already the texts are flowing in on 8, 12, 15. See, I did it that time.

Clever. Those of you who watch this on webcam, I can't imagine how many people. I'm guessing four. In case you're wondering, yes, I did do the whole dance routine to You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile from Annie the Musical during that record, and I'm not ashamed of that.

I'm hoping to get through the whole album before the end of this show. Sandy, I'm going ashamed of that. I'm hoping to get through the whole album before the end of this show. Sandy, I'm going to call him Sandy. Yeah, I was singing about the dog there, not my girlfriend's mum. Last time we checked in, you were levitating. Levitation. This is the jingle I'm doing live.

You're very musical this morning. I am quite musical. I don't know how that's happened. Anyway, I think it's because I'm... Anyway. Yeah, so I tried levitating. I went up. I raised one foot.

That much was easy. And then I went up onto the insole of the other one. And then I got right onto the toe. And for a second, I thought, if I could really believe now i really do believe i could rise up and i convinced myself of this as i say when i was a child i used to dream about this and i never wanted to soar above the clouds i would have been happy just about four inches above the ground would i'd have been so happy with were you on

your own frank when you were doing this regional d Hunter clattering around making an omelette or something in the kitchen? No, neither Reg nor Victoria Corrin, who I was trapped with. Not trapped, that's not the right word. Who I was locked up with at the time. But it made me honestly believe that one could levitate. I could have done with another

week in there to get the other foot up. I've only got one foot up in the first hour. It seems quite a weird thing to try, though mean it's i'm really impressed but i wouldn't that wouldn't strike me as a hobby necessarily not a hobby but it's so long been a dream i don't know what it is about levitation and as i can see i don't really want to go that high i'd just like to i'd like to be with someone and for them to suddenly become aware of the fact that i'm not actually touching the ground that's what i want i don. That's what I want. I don't want fireworks. I don't want a spectacular.

I want just a hint. Just me arriving and then realising that as I come down the corridor, my feet aren't moving. I'm just sort of going along as if I was on some sort of... You see, that's what not having telly does. It drives you to do things like that. It is interesting because we're not allowed to have telly there obviously in this in this house as i said this is for the tv program i did last night called the bubble we had to be kept away from the news so we had no internet no newspapers no phones and no telly and i'm not one of these people who thinks i used to

know some people in um in places like hampstead in in uh in london they'd say, we don't have a television. I don't think it's good for the children. See, I once went six weeks without a television. I would have killed the next person who came in the house if I didn't get one. I mean, you've got to have one. It's the beginning and the end. I know, obviously, radio is better.

Yeah. But, oh, man. So we ended up doing things like talking. Oh. Yeah, and we played cribbage. But, oh, man. So we ended up doing things like talking. Oh. Yeah, and we played cribbage. Oh, what's that? Cribbage is a card game.

Oh, I've never played that. Yeah, and... I don't know what I'd do without my telly, though. Because, you know, there's that book called Outliers, and it says to be an expert at something, you need about 10,000 hours of practice. Yeah. That's how long you need to spend. On levitation.

Well, yeah, exactly. Are you going to spend 10,000 10 000 hours doing levitating well i'm actually trying it now none of you have picked up on it can you not see a slight tension in my neck muscles yeah i'm just trying just to lift up a little i know you're looking at me suspiciously like when people tilt pre-wind breakage but it's nothing to do with that this is i'm heading for the stars i'm not heading for the stars actually i'm heading for that second panel up on the wall anyway yeah so but i missed out a lot like i came out when i went in to the uh to the bubble ashley cole had been involved with one picture texting incident. Oh, he's moved on a bit since then, love. Yes, perhaps you should explain that to me,

because I've completely... I thought his mate sent some stupid thing and that was it. And then I saw... You didn't believe that cockamamie story, did you? I did believe that cockamamie story, yes. Yes. And I'm not going anywhere with any ponds in that area. Absolute. Radio.

And maybe I'll forget how much she meant to me. Anyway, yeah, that's a good song. So, Ashley Cole, what's occurred? So much has been happening. Well, you may remember... Hold on one second. I've had a text come in. Sorry about that. Can you hold it?

It says, Hi, Frank. A girl at my work, Laura Hunter, has recently had a baby named Mia. That's right, Mia Hunter. Honestly. The problem is, no-one in the office gets the reference. I thought it might give you a reason to play your favourite theme. You're absolutely correct.

Dan from Leeds. Oh, Dan from Leeds. Oh, Dan from Leeds. Stop singing, Frank. What's happened to me this morning? I'm terribly sorry I interrupted your, um... Ashcolian. The Ashcolian Museum.

Your Ashcolian Museum of Shame. That's what I interrupted. I'm sorry. Sorry. OK, so first of all, there was Amy Walton, 22, who he went on a vodka binge with, and that was back in 2008. She's the hairdresser.

Yeah, that's the hairdresser. Then there was Sonia Wilde, who he exchanged... There were sex texts with her. You were going to say Lou, really. I was going to say Lou. I'm glad you backed out of that. Then, after you went away, it emerged that he romped with Vicky Goff, 24. It emerged that he'd romped with her.

He's nothing less than a fiend. And now it's come out that there may have been some action with Ann Corbett when he was in America. I have to say, Gareth looked at a photo of her and said, oh, she's very pretty. And the photo of her, I said, yeah, in 1974 she was very pretty when that photo was taken. It's sort of sepia. He's gone for the older lady. And she's got a Victorian

bonnet on. Oh, that's great. That'll be the ancient civilisation section of the Ashcolian. But surely there can't be any more women now. That's absolutely out of the question. I think, in a way, one of the appeal of this for me is that

Cheryl, Cheryl Tweedy, perhaps I should start calling her, seems to have everything. She's a very beautiful woman. She can handle herself in a downstairs toilet if it comes to it. And also, you know, she sings like, well, like a bird. The corn crake is the one I'm thinking of. As I say, she's very attractive.

She's on one of the biggest shows in TV. She seems to have everything. She's got it all, Frank. It's just like the Greek tragedy or the great Shakespeareans. You know, you see your King Lears and your Othello. They're great, powerful men. People want to see the flaw. They want to see the weakness.

They want to see that there's some pain in their lives. So this now will make us love Cheryl even more. Yeah, the fact that she falls in love with idiots. Um, yeah. Well, any Chelsea fans listening, that was Gareth who said that in case there's any mistake about me. He's an England player. He's injured at the moment, though, so... Oh, that's good.

I'm very happy for him to be dragged over the, um... Oh... ...holes. Yeah. Well, it's a strange tale. Why do these people put these things in writing, in text and stuff like that? If it's all done, if it all just happens

in the abstract physical world, you can, you know, you can deny it. Oh, so some advice there if you're planning on cheating from Frank Skinner. There you go. Well, I felt I've already exposed a few affairs earlier in the show. I've got to offer some sort of clinic now

for those people who are in the midst of one. Never hold hands in the street with the other woman because you never know who's going to come round the corner. That's my motto. You can always say, I know that was a woman I was overtaking, if you're photographed. Yeah.

Okay. Listening, Cass. Joke! Absolute Radio. Roger in Bromley. Morning, Frank. Cheryl is beautiful if you can ignore the big chavvy tattoo on her leg.

I think I could. What is the big chavvy tattoo? I think most blokes could ignore it, to be honest, if they're faced with Cheryl Cole. That's part of the joy of Cheryl Cole. It's part of the joy of Cheryl Cole. It's the Prada bag with the broken wine bottle in it. Oh, I like that imagery.

Yeah, if you lived in... Say if your dog got over next door's garden, you were married to Cheryl Cole, and the woman come round to complain, you know that Cheryl would be very happy to go to the door and say, well, get in that get on, get in that car, come on, come on, don't tell me, I'm telling you. It's a bit Scottish.

But she'd handle it for you, you know, and I love that. I love, occasionally she looks at Simon Cowell on that show if he says something a bit offensive, and you can see her on a North East council estate about to glass somebody. And I think that's part of her sexiness. Speaking of the North East by the way Sarah Millican is our guest today. Well she's probably here and she's

probably just heard that impression and she's probably decided not to come on the show now. No but I think she's a much more gentle, loving, warm person but we're looking forward to, I'm playing this for both of them. Those who'll have a fishy are little fishy Those who'll have a fishy when the boat comes in? I suggest Ashley

try singing that to try and smooth things over. Imagine him going really badly. Yeah, you shall have a fishy on it. Oh, now, that's broken.

You've broken that. Anyone else? We've had another text in. Remember you were talking about Amy Williams, is it? Who won the Bob Skeleton? Have we had a text in on A1250? Oh, we have. OK in. Remember you were talking about Amy Williams, is it, who won the Bob Skeleton? Have we had a text in on A1250? Oh, we have.

OK. Now, you were talking about Amy Williams' sister saying she'd be in the pub watching it on telly feeling sad she didn't have a gold medal. She was in the pub, that's a fact. Well, Cliven Sheffield says, Amy's twin being stuck in the pub means she will have missed the opportunity

of taking some photos of her sister winning the skeleton. Shame. Would have been good for the family. Albumen? See what he's done? He's taken the shared egg, yolk and albumen. He's embroidered. He's run with it.

That's lovely. I'm glad he did that. It's beautiful when people join in, isn't it? Well, not so much in Nazi Germany, but generally in life. Sorry, Gareth. Nothing. Hello. What happened? I don't know. I thought you were going to say something.

Hi, Frank. That was what I was going to say. Hi, Gareth. Anyway. Hi. No, we've got a text from Roy Alsop. He says, hi, Frank, did you work at... I was going to say Roy Orbison. I got really... I got so built up there. I got so excited. I got a text from him and He says, hi Frank, did you work at... I was going to say Roy Orbison. I got really so built up there. I got so excited. I got a text from him and it says,

you're our take. Hi Frank, did you work at Normid in Cornwall Road, Smethwick years ago? If so, I worked there. My name is Roy Alsop. How are you? What's Normid? Well,

A, I didn't work there. To to be fair you wouldn't have remembered frank you could have done all sorts you would know i'd have remembered the normid if i was down the normid no i never worked there roy sorry about that do you know what it is um the normid it's um you don't know yeah i do know you know that that Sigmund Freud believed that we consist of the id and the ego, and the id is our inner animalistic being, and the ego is that which controls us. So the norm id is like the normal average tastes and hungers and passions of people converted into a small hot.

This is in Smedic right yeah i think it's more like to be a corner shop owned by a couple called norman and enid and they've called it normid uh that's that's another possibility what do you think gareth i think it's likely to be an abbreviation of north and midlands oh well that's this week's final. What's normid? I should put that on the website. I'd like to see that. Just says what's normid, and then people can work it out from there.

That'd be brilliant. I love it when we get as texts. Yes. No, I've got another one. Robbie Harrison. Oh, that's on a roll. Hey. That's a good one.

He's on a Bob Skeleton roll. I love the way he adopts the sort. Hey. That's a good one, I like it. He's on a Bob Skeleton roll. I like the way he adopts the sort of person. Hi, Frank. It was someone else there. It's brilliant. I heard the link about Emily wanting to go on a milk float. Oh, yeah. Last week, that was.

I think it was from the... Yes. If you would like to, it can be arranged as I have one. Robbie. Oh, Frank, please can be arranged as I have one. Robbie. Oh, Frank, please can I go? Oh, I really want to go on a milk float. Is it pink? Okay, what I want you to do, let's try this.

I want you to just say what you would say. Say if I'm this, what's he called, this guy? Robbie. If I'm Robbie, right, we're out on the milk float. Oh, yeah. Robbie Harrison. So let's just pretend that. Are you having a nice time, Emily?

Oh, it's rather slow, isn't it? What's going on here? Hello, Mr Jones. Do you want your orange juice? So that was it? I really want... I'll be like the Nana in Benidorm. I asked for a milk float sound effect.

I think that was the Flying Scotsman pulling into you. But, you know, it's all right. It's all right. Well, I think we should do that. Oh, please can we arrange that? Has he left any contact details? Don't read them out. The whole nation will be on his milk float.

We can use the milk float to drop me at the BAFTAs. Yes, I'm going to the BAFTAs tomorrow. On that point, I'd love to see you arrive. Just a milk float pull up at the end of the red carpet would be the best thing that's ever happened. So you'll be go-go!

Sarah Millican is our guest today. She'll be in shortly. Who should have a fishy when the good comes in? No regional stereotyping on this show. We shall have a little fishy on a dishy waiting for her when she comes in. I'm thinking of some sort of sprat. We'll see how it goes. Do you know what? You know that

thing where you, I did a gig in Aberdeen this week. And we arrived on the train and... When you say we, do you have an entourage? He has an assistant. I was supporting Rod Gilbert for a couple of nights on

so it was me and him okay and when he got off the train aberdeen smells of fish it's not actually a port is it yeah i think it's by the sea is it okay i think it is and what what you realize straight away was scotland isn't it yes in scotland you have to remember this because we're gonna not be able to smell this after a while. But this is what everywhere smells like here. Right. Do you know what I mean? When the smell just overtakes you.

I don't associate Aberdeen with fish at all. I associate it with granite. Or you can smell granite. I don't know what granite smells of, I'll be honest with you. What's that smell? I can't put my finger on it. Yeah, exactly. Also, right, I was walking through a door. I walked through a door i walked through a door in abilene this is a great oh what in a david

copperfield type way well no someone had opened it i was having a bad day it was raining i was freezing cold i was trudging around by myself i'd gone to his hotel he smelled a fish um and um i walked through a door and what I hadn't realised is there was a man there and he'd opened the door for me. Okay. But I hadn't realised he'd done that. So I just walked through and he said, oh, don't say thank you. And like,

so did a nice thing for someone, but then because I didn't say thank you, did something incredibly rude by breaking, you know, The social contract. Yeah. you know... The social contract. Yeah. What I call the social contract. I'm in a tricky situation here

because I'm with the unnamed fishy Scotsman. Frank, so am I. I'm with the man. I think, you know, because I have a thing, if I open the door for someone and they don't say thank you, I say, oh, don't mention it. Oh, you didn't. And I went into my flats, and I live in quite nice flats in quite nice flats i'll be yes i'm not ashamed to admit that and there's some quite posh people living there and of course posh people that they used to having the door held open for them by my footman and things like that so i held the door up for this

bloke and i did they assume you're the doorman yeah i think they do you wear your little sort of hat no i was wearing a tan leather bomber jacket and a red dickie bow. I'm saying you can't come in here wearing that. I was a Birmingham doorman more than a... So I said to this bloke, I said, you know, oh, don't mention it, oh, you didn't. And he said, what? Oh, he rumbled you.

And I said, I expect you to say thank you when I open the door. And we got into the lift together. It was a proper full-blown incident. And he said to me, yeah, I'm not really used to people giving me advice on my manners. He didn't say that. Yeah. And I said, no, no. I want to shake his hand.

And I said, no, no, I guessed that. Oh! And it was, we were in a lift. I thought we were going to have a fight. What floor were you on by, I guessed that. Oh! But we were in a lift. I thought we were going to have a fight. What floor were you on by that stage? We were going to have a fight in a lift. I mean, that'd be terrible. Imagine a lift getting into a lift.

There was two blokes having a fight about manners. Excuse me, we've been having this fight for a while. But he got out and he got up with a very sarcastic, right, well, good night then. And I said, yeah. I'm fully on his side because I was like... You're on that bloke's side? Yes, because, like, what's worse?

What's worse? I can't believe that. You doing something nice for someone and not getting a thank you or, like, invading their space and questioning how they live their life and calling them up on their actions. Oh, no. I'm never going to answer that question. OK.

What you did was worse. What you did was worse. I disagree and I don't know what we're going to do about this well let me not only are you fired but you're going to have to open the door for yourself as you leave

you'll have to escort yourself out the building I am with you Frank I have to say I mean I don't come out with a bon mot like you. I just go, thank you, in that really nasty, shrill tone of voice. Yeah, but you do that when you are genuinely great. I find the only voice you really have is the Wicked Witch of the West.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We have been joined by Sarah Millican in the studio. Good morning, Sarah. Hello, how are you? I'm all right. Have you forgiven me for when the boat comes in? No.

Just waiting for the theme music from Off Weeders in to come in soon. Off Spender. It's such a great tune, though. If Spender would have been a fabulous piece of obscurity, I'd have been particularly happy with that. So, we were just in the middle of a politeness debate. I hate a debate. What's your view?

You heard that about me. Yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah, I think you're right and I think Gareth's wrong. I think Gareth's not only wrong, I think Gareth's bonkers as well. He's not just wrong, he's actually bonkers. We have had a text in as well. Really? From a postman called Matt in Kingston.

He says, hey, Frank, I'm a postie. And when I say good morning and the person blanks me, I carry on and I say, oh, morning, postie. Isn't it cold? I like that. I think what I like about that is he's adopted the fact that everyone would call him postie. Bless him.

Well, I'm with him. I'm with posty on that one. Yeah. I imagine you're a very polite person. I can get angry, though, if people don't. Like, if I was to hold the door open for you, Gareth, and you didn't say thank you, then I would just shout, you're welcome.

And then sometimes it prompts people into saying thank you. I mean, same in the car. Whenever I flash anybody in, if they don't say... I sometimes do that wave to say you're welcome when they haven't waved to say thank you and it prompts people into doing it. So it's like I'm forcing people to be polite. Yeah, sarcasm is your weapon.

It is. It's road sarcasm, not road rage. So, Sarah, we should begin by saying that you're about to go on tour. Oh yes, in October. It's ages away. It's not the right time. What are you plugging today? I'm lost. Oh, yes, in October. It's ages away. What are you plugging today? A radio show.

Oh, sorry. Go on, Frank. Oh, I've started plugging the wrong thing. How embarrassing. I apologise profoundly, of course. Otherwise you'll go, oh, sorry, Sarah. Yeah, so your radio show is on Radio 4. Yes, it started on Thursday night. Could you explain it to us?

Briefly. No. Don't even open-ended a question like that. Yes, it's just, it's comedy, obviously, and I solve people's problems. So we have people in the audience, and we have like a theme of the week, or like two problems that we discuss in the week, but also

it's sort of, there are script, it is scripted and actors and things, so it's not just down to just the audience because that's too scary if it's just the audience because then it may be rubbish because sometimes audiences are really you know i've got loads of stories and sometimes they haven't so we haven't really taught you on that that is true i've scripted some stuff yeah but it's yeah it went really well and it's been really well received on thursday night so that's nice are you good are you the sort of person who friends go to with their problems and i think it's because I've just got loads of problems. Oh she's done that let's go to her I think that's all it is. So it's a Coles to Newcastle sort of

approach. Pretty much yeah. No I am I think I'm quite sort of sensible to the point of dull sometimes. Well that's what you want from an advisor isn't it sensible to the point of dull. Well yeah they don't have to take the advice, but they can listen to it. So I should point out, I think, Emily, are you ready to applaud? Because we have not one, but two Chortle Award nominees in the studio today. I'm fine with that. So there you go. How about that?

So Gareth's been nominated for Best Newcomer. Most Impolite Comedian. He's the only one to get the award without saying thank you to anyone. And what are you nominated for, Sarah? Best Headliner. Oh, well, that's better, isn't it? Yeah, clearly. And I'll be polite, so...

Yeah, there you go. You see, politeness in the end reaps its rewards. How exciting. Will there be some sort of award ceremony I can wear a dress to? You can go if you like, but I'll not be there because I'm in Australia. So you could go in my place and collect if I win, if you want. Oh, yeah, I'll do that. OK.

You can maybe go in my place as well because I think I'm in Oldham. Oh. Yeah, but for fun or for work? For work, yeah. Do you know the way to Oldham? Answers on a text message. Absolute. Radio.

Sarah Millican is our guest this morning, and she's solving the nation's problems. Apparently so. Texts have been coming thick and fast for Sarah. Mainly thick, I'm guessing. Go on, fire away. We've had a lovely one in from Florence. Hi, Sarah. I'm a big fan of yours

hope to see you live soon my problem is that I have to go for dinner with my boyfriend's best friend and his girlfriend next week and I don't like her at all

she's very rude and has no manners I can't get out of it but I don't know how to survive the experience can you help Florence I think if there's two other people there

so she's got a boyfriend there and her boyfriend's best friend there she could totally get away with not even talking to the girl don't you think oh there's two other people there, so she's got a boyfriend there and her boyfriend's best friend there, she could totally get away with not even talking to the girl. Oh, that's good. Just occasionally smile at her. This is the woman who championed politeness. No, but if she's rude, if the friend is rude,

if the best friend's girlfriend is rude, she doesn't deserve to be spoken to. But is this other woman, is she an ex of the bloke or is she just a friend? Oh, no, you're bringing those complications into it. Because I often find the best friend wants to be the girlfriend, don't they? The best friend is a bloke in this scenario. Oh, is he?

Yeah. Oh, he's gay. I think I've established about that he's gay. That's where the whole tension is coming from. Sounds like you've been reading photo stories in the sun. If you think that's complicated. Is there writing in those? Apparently.

I haven't noticed that. And Chris in Derby says, does Sarah know if there's any book that can translate teenage grunts into words that we can all understand? So communicating with teenagers. What do you recommend? Well, I don't have children, so I'm probably not the best person to ask for that.

Do you go out with very young men, if I... I have done. Well, that would help. Did they groan? Yeah, they did a lot. I don't think I need a translator, though. Can I give that a little round of applause? Thank you very much.

I think you just need to ignore them until they talk properly, don't you? Well, that would do me. Well, that's lovely. So, you mentioned... I don't want to put you on the spot, but it says... But you're going to anyway. Yes, it says my list of things about Sarah Millican. She can do a good honking car horn.

Oh, do you want to hear it? Is that what it says? Is it on, like, my CV? That's awesome. It's actually the only thing I can do, yes. It just says that and the fact you're on to plug your tour in October. Okay, are you ready? Okay. That's brilliant.

That is good. Thank you. One more time. My friend bought me a bike horn for no reason whatsoever and I used to squeeze it in. Whenever anybody said something funny around us and I couldn't be bothered to respond, I would just back at them.

And then I thought, well, this is no good because I'm going to have to carry this with us. So instead I just learnt how to do it over months. Just practised in the house on my own. That sounds quite tragic now. Have you ever tried levitation? No. Do you think that's the next step? Is that what happened with David Copperfield?

He started off just doing a car horn, no, he's a bike horn, and then he started levitating. Well I think, you know when I noticed when you did the car horn, you actually reached started levitating. Well, I think what he... You know, I noticed when you did the car, when you actually reached and squeezed it? Yes. Well, I think that David Copperfield's was set a little higher than yours, and as he reached off to squeeze it,

he suddenly noticed he was three feet from the floor. Wow. That must have been a good deal. That could have happened to anyone. So, you're off to Australia soon. Yes, in the middle of March. Have you done for the Melbourne Festival? Yes. Are you a fan of Australia?

Yes, I went there last year and did the festival for the first time and it went really well. I was a bit annoyed that I couldn't cuddle a koala. I'd been told that this was almost obligatory when you get a step into the country. But in the state of Victoria, it's not allowed. You're allowed to look at them, but you're not allowed to cuddle them. So I'm going to have to go out of the state

because I just really want to cuddle a koala. Well, I have to say, when I was there, they told me this. And we went to this place where there was koalas. And I said to the guy, look, you know, I'd really love to cuddle a koala. And he said, oh, well, you know, the thing is, mate, they've all got chlamydia. And I said, that's lucky, so have I.

So we've got nothing to lose. And I said, that's lucky, so have I. So we've got nothing to lose. And I got to hold, and I've got the picture. I'm wearing an England football shirt. And the black claws of the koala are just hooked on the slightly raised bat. It's just getting a bit of purchase on the England bat. It's great. Was it nice and furry? It was actually, it was a bit coarse.

Yeah, they're supposed to smell quite bad as well, but I don't mind. I've had boyfriends, it's fine. Well, it was, they smell of eucalyptus because they eat... Oh, well,

it sort of keeps your sinus as clear. Exactly. It's a bit like hogging an old age pensioner who's been on the halls of mentholictus lozenges. Absolute.

Radio. We've had a bit of a... You've created a storm. Yeah. Melanie has texted in, Manners are a common courtesy, and if someone hasn't got them, it shows a complete disregard for their fellow man

and a high degree of selfishness. Is Gareth a sort of person that won't hold a door open for someone? Thanks. Melanie. Right, I'm being misrepresented. Well, let me just read this one in response. Frank, seems you only open doors to garner praise oh not to be polite are your manners any more sincere than someone whose

lack of thanks might be a mere lapse i like that i like i must say i must like garner praise it's not often that's the first word garner james garner you don't hear that often james garner James Garner, oh, marvellous. Woo! have to think, I've lost, I'll move on. I've been painted as some sort of monster. I like the fact that Tiger Woods is prepared to apologise for all the terrible things he's done, but Gareth is fighting this. He's fighting it.

By the way, if you like this show, people do. Don't look surprised like that. We've got fans in Philadelphia, PA and surprised like that people do fans in philadelphia pa and germany fans in philadelphia pa philly fans we've got phillies in philly that's what we've got i'm imagining them now in cottage cheese but of course that would be wrong yeah i've i've been to philadelphia i've i've seen the liberty bell i've i've played at the veteran stadium i played softball in a team that was captained by Bill Cosby

I was about that then my Jimmy Savile impression needs a bit of work we do a midweek podcast by the way this show goes out as a podcast but on Wednesdays we put out podcasts of stuff that's

completely different material, there's not anywhere else available other than on that podcast. Original material, that's what we're calling it. So listen to that. And when you're doing that on the internet, I suggest you also go onto the Chortle website and vote for Gareth Richards as the best newcomer. Oh, yeah, I'm going to do that.

Well, they should, you know, they should look at the candidates and decide who they think is, you know, they want to vote for. Yeah, OK, don't vote. Because, obviously, you should definitely at the candidates and decide who they think they want to vote for. Yeah, OK, don't vote. Because, obviously, you should definitely vote for Sarah Millican, because if you vote for Sarah Millican, you're going to thank you. Oh, for goodness sake! So, I'm off to, after this, I'm going to go to the BBC in London, and I'm going to be a judge on Let's Dance for Sport Relief.

Oh, how exciting! I'm only going to the BAFTAs tomorrow on Let's Dance for Sport Relief. Oh, how exciting! I'm only going to the BAFTAs tomorrow. Anyway, talk about Sport Relief. So, well, at least mine's for charity. Yeah, so I have to watch celebrities and newsreaders and that dance. It's a bit tricky because I'm a judge and my favourite

judges on the talent shows are the ones who are, you you know vicious in the extreme well i don't know if you can do that on a charity event well i think if people if you get it right simon kelsing is he's mean but he does seem to get it right doesn't he you know if you tell the truth speak you just got to tell them they nailed it that's what they always say isn't it yeah but what if they're some of them will be rubbish to the point of embarrassment? Just say, seven! That's what you do if you're a judge. Okay, I'll

try that. Or try alliteration like Arlene Phillips used to do. Just do alliteration. That was filthy, philanthropic. Once you've started with the F, you're already in trouble. I won't be doing that. Well, I'll have to see how it goes.

I mean, it's live. I could make a complete fool of myself. Let's put it that way. I'm going to... Shall I make a big pledge now that at one point I'm going to look to camera and go, The sun will come out tomorrow, but you might have done it there.

I'd better not do that. You'd have to get pig iron in at some point. Oh, that'd be great to get pig iron in. Oh, man. There'd be four people watching who think we get that. And the rest of the day should think that man's just had an aneurysm. Oh, well.

So, anyway, it's been lovely. Do tune in to our midweek podcast because otherwise people are absolute snigger when we walk past them. In a snigger in a kind of a no-one-listens-to-your-midweek-podcast kind of way. And I personally hate that. Good day to you Frank Skinner on

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