The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Scott Capurro

Episode Date: April 10, 2010

This week Frank talks to American comedian Scott Capurro about his live chat show at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. There she goes. That's, uh, Cherry Vanilla.

Eh, not many people remember her. I saw Cherry Vanilla live at Barbarella's in 1977. Fabulously attractive, explosive human being she was. One of the great nights of my life. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. Hello. And if you want to call us about anything at all, including when you saw Cherry Vanilla Live,

that was if you're able to text at your age. Well, the texts have come flooding in now. I haven't done the number yet. We're on 8, 12, 15. It's that kind of slick professionalism that got this show a Sony nomination this very week. Oh, I love that we got a nomination. Take that, haters. A nomination. I find myself, I have to say it like that. nomination this very week oh i love that we got a nomination take that haters a nomination i find

myself i have to say it like that yeah but it was i i think we were put in for about four categories and we only got one so my first feeling was bleak defeat but then people tell me that any nomination what what i believe is known as the radio oscars is um we don't need three anyway. One's enough. Three's too much of a handful. I thought three, we could have one each. There wouldn't be any squabbling. And at least we get to go to the ceremony.

Hey, what if we don't win, though? I might do a Kanye West. I might storm the stage. That'd be brilliant. Well, I'm going with, I'm thinking of having a sort of suicide bomber harness. So if we don't win,

at least I'm going to run across Embrace Scott Mills and take him with me. I'm going to be all over Dr. Fox like a rash. Well, what's new about that? So what were we nominated for? What category did we get nominated for?

I think it was Best Use of Adverts. No. It's Best Entertainment Program. That's entertainment. This is entertainment. What are you crazy? Apparently so. Well, that's like the best thing on radio, Shirley,

because what else is it supposed to be apart from entertaining? Education. All right. Best shirt some DJs might have. No, I think that's only one with the camcorder thing. Oh, OK. The webcam. I always call it the camcorder.

Oh, the webcam's on today, so I've put a lot of make-up on. Yeah. There's only two times you've put a lot of make-up on, when the camcorder's on and when the camcorder's not on. Did you say we'd had some Texaninas? No, not really. I was joking about the vanilla, cherry vanilla thing. Oh, OK.

Sorry, you completely fooled me with your wacky interjections. There's a lot of ladies in, big ladies some of them, in frocks today, Frank, in the paper. Yes. Well, it's the Grand National today, of course, which is a very big event, and we don't encourage gambling on the Frank Skiller Absolute Radio Show. Oh, no. But, I mean,

today's a bit different. Yeah, absolutely. So, usually they use horses. They're using ladies this year, are they? There's a few ladies in so usually they use horses they're using ladies this year are they there's a few ladies in but they're in they're in suits they ain't no ladies i don't think anyone will notice they're nice scouse ladies so they look very colorful they're wearing lots of bright colors you and your damning with faint praise so what i'm thinking we should do look is we should pick as it's our lucky week as it were not that I'm suggesting there's any luck involved, you know, Absolute got like 12 nominations or something.

Did it? Oh, it's put itself on the map. Oh, I'm glad we're the good station. Yeah, exactly. Oh, some of the stations, they got nothing. No point showing up, some of these stations. No, I presume they were. I presume there'll be empty tables.

The tables of shame on the night. So, look, I'm just looking at the field. Okay. Oh yeah. Oh I've seen a few I like. Okay. What do you think? Well, the package at 12 to 1 nothing wrong with that. No. Emily loves the package. Yes.

Gareth, I meant that in a really innocent way. Can we move along? Okay. I'm just saying I like the package. Beat the boys. You like that, don't you? Yeah. Big fella thanks, 10 to 1. I'm just saying. like the package. Beat the boys, you like that, don't you? Yeah. Big fella thanks, 10 to 1. I'm just saying. Is that your catchphrase? Yes.

That's what I said this very morn. I'm thinking a 33 to 1, my will. Because I actually did my will this week. Did you? Yeah. Oh, am I in it? No. Oh, can I be in it, please?

Can we make some requests? Yeah. No, I'm sorry. I think you should be allowed to ask this. I did it in a rash. I had a big argument with my girlfriend. Oh, can I be in it, please? Can we make some requests? Yeah. No, I'm sorry. I think you should be allowed to ask me. I did it in a rash. I had a big argument with my girlfriend. I changed my will and I've left everything to Mitch Winehouse.

I just think he'll, you know... Have you left anything to Marky Smith? He's a man who'll spend wisely, is my view on Mitch Winehouse. Have I left anything to Marky Smith? is a man will spend wisely it's my view on mitch winehouse have i left anything to markie smith though only my dentures absolute radio do you know what i've got what this is this has only happened to me probably about four or five times in my life but i think i presume it must happen to everyone i've got a spot but right on the very end of my nose oh yeah oh i'm glad you said that it's like my entire being comes to a point and it hurt if i touch it don't touch it and it's red you know i look like some sort of

reindeer type character it's quite endearing really i think i'm cashing in on the current 3d phase if you want me to conceal it for you later i. Do you think it's endearing or do you think it's reindeer-ing? I can't. I'm haunting, but I can't find the right deer reference. Oh, my God. We're playing the deer hunter because you've got a spot. How desperate were you to crowbar that in? Well, I was prepared to develop a spot on the end of my nose. You can't do anything about it.

If you squeeze it, it gets redder and redder. Don't squeeze it. Stop touching it now. You know if something hurts, you can't leave it alone. It's like life in that respect. I get a lot of spots on the inside of my nose. Well, this is a lovely topic.

That's alright. No one knows. Anyone else get spots on the inside of their nose? Text in on 8-12-15. I get spots on the inside of my thor? Text in on 8-12-15. I get spots on the inside of my thorax. I'm not going to talk about spots. OK. I think our pick for the Grand National should be Dream Alliance. Why?

Because I think we are a Dream Alliance. Oh. Oh. Is there nothing about spots? No, there's nothing about spots. Anyway, I can't sit here picking horses. It's not Andy Cap. King John's Castle?

That could be the name of your spot. King John's Castle. Thank you very much. You suggested I've got Torrid Syndrome. So, I have a feeling now we're not going to win the award. Why do you think that? I was bursting with confidence. I'm not a person who lies about these kind of things. If I'm going to win, I tell everyone I'm going to win the award. Why do you think that? I was very confident. I was bursting with confidence. I'm not a person who lies about these kind of things.

No, you're not. If I'm going to win, I tell everyone I'm going to win, and then I lose. I'm fine with it. I think you should wear your daydreams on your sleeve. But now, when I look at the competition... Dr Fox, Simon Mayo, what are we going to do? No, no, they're not in it. Oh, who is in the competition, then?

Mark Kermode's not in it. If I was Mark Kermode, I'd have a small... I'd cut my hair. I'd change my hair. I'd keep my hair, but I'd have a hair clip made with a small surfer on it. And I'd wear it. I'm just in the top of the quiff. Looks like it's riding that enormous wave on my head.

I love Mark Kermode. You two should stop being mean about him. Well, I don't think that's mean. I love Kermodes in general. No, but there is a whole lot of surfing going on on his crown. You all right, Frank? The great thing about commodes is you don't have to miss any TV at all. So you don't think we're going to win?

I've got a feeling. But, you know, I'm easy about it now. I understand. I was quite anxious. I thought, if we don't win, I'm going to resign. Oh, God. But now, in a don't win, I'm going to resign. But now I... Oh, God. But now, in a sort of Kevin Keegan kind of a way. But now I'm relaxed with it.

I'm happy to go and have a lovely night out and applaud when Jamie Theakston gets up and grabs the gong. And as long as we're next to Tony Hadley and Reverend and the Makers, like last year, there's nothing wrong. I never win anything. Don't you? No. I've done quite a lot.

Because when you start doing comedy, you've done quite a lot because when you start doing comedy you be in quite a lot of competitions you be in quite a lot the worst 14th century I be 14 summers long maybe it's that sort of eloquence that's held me back

maybe I'd love to hear your acceptance speech I be right delighted well you must have won something at school maybe at school I'd love to hear your acceptance speech. I'd be right delighted. Well, you must have won something at school. Maybe at school. No, nothing at school. No, I've come runner-up in things.

In the Leicester Mercury Comedian of the Year Award, I got the position of Honourable Mention. What's that? Leicester Mercury? It was just like some strange Esperanto. I don't know what those words mean. To Emily, they're an equal distance away from London. Leicester and Mercury. Leicester?

Leicester. Leicester. That could be a clue. Leicester. If Leicester Pigot's riding today, we should back his horse. He won't be riding. Is he still alive? We could back his horse, not pay the tax.

No, I got honourable mention, so I didn't come first place. They had a joint second place, so that was two people who were second place, and I got an honourable mention. There were only eight people in it, so I came fourth of eight. Did you multiply? No. I thought you'd have got that. It's a biblical.

Yes, yeah. Oh, well. Oh, go. Standards are slipping Absolute Radio Do you know those Philly girls that sometimes text into us? Oh, them lovely young college girls from Philadelphia The Philly Phillies

Exactly Have a lot of pillow fights Yeah, we like the Philly girls Well, today they said, Frank, we got our local bar owner This is in Philadelphia, mind To add The Fall to the playlist tonight It was fabulous They said, Frank, we got our local bar owner, this is in Philadelphia, mind, to add The Fall to the playlist tonight. It was fabulous.

Your revolution has officially reached across the pond. That's fantastic. What was the track? Well, they don't specify, but they do say we should add that no-one sang along and someone complained, but still it's a step in the right direction. I bet even though it was The Fall, I bet The Fall track, I bet the Philly girls wore rah-rah skirts and held up pom-poms and did a, give me an F, give me an A.

I bet they did all that. It was a glee version of the fall. Yeah, but that's all right. They've also asked, can you explain pig iron to us? It's the one cultural reference Wikipedia is not helping with. Really? Yeah. I've got pig iron on Wikipedia.

It says pig iron is the intermediate part. What do you say you've got? I've got pig iron. He's got says pig iron is the intermediate product. What did you say you've got? I've got pig iron! He's got all pig iron! Oh, that was a guttural one this morning. I liked it. I like to go occasionally guttural. Yeah, it says pig iron is the intermediate

product of smelting iron or with coke, usually with limestone as a flux. What more do they want? I always find that intermediate products are where the comedy is. Especially with limestone as a flux.. Especially with limestone as a flux. Yeah. I often use limestone. Frank, someone else has texted in.

I can't believe it. Morning, Frank. You were the reason why I left Hales Owen. Is it Hales Owen? Hales Owen, yes. Hales Owen College. Don't say it like everyone knows it. Why I left Hales Owen College 20 years ago. We had a disagreement about a violin, remember?

Oh, a bit of a little Lord Fauntleroy on the sly you were. A violin? We had a disagreement about a violin. What was that? Nigel Kennedy. I'm not giving you that violin, it's mine. Does it start, dear Moistra? No, I don't remember a disagreement about a violin. Can you elaborate, please? I am intrigued, though.

I love the sound of the violin fight. We need more information. I think I have the information here on page 9. Oh no, sorry, I mis intrigued, though. I love the sound of the violin fight. We need more information. I think I have the information here on page nine. Oh, no, sorry, I misread that. It's Paganini. Well, I don't know what to say. I don't remember that. I'm sorry you left college because of a disagreement about a violin,

but I like the notion of it. I do as well. It's a good thing. Why did you leave college? Well, I had a disagreement about a violin. It's good, isn't it? I'm happy with that. So I was, I'll tell you what I was reading about. The charcoal diet.

Okay. Do you know of it? Well, I have heard of it. Sarah Harding does it. Does she really? Surprising, she's still blonde. So women eat, I mean, when they say they eat charcoal, do they mean that stuff we used to draw with at school? Do they lick the fire great? I don't understand.

They do on a good night. Oh! You buy it from health food stores, don't you? What does it look like? It's black, I take it, and chalky looking. You get it in capsules. Not chalky looking. You buy it in little capsules and then you can sprinkle it on the food and it absorbs fat. Oh, so you don't just eat charcoal? You don't sit there kind of gnawing on a big and it absorbs fat. Oh, so you don't just eat charcoal.

You don't sit there kind of gnawing on a big old lump of coal. Oh, okay. That would be strange. That's rubbish, isn't it? See, I read a Danny Minogue thing in the paper this morning. It says, you know, Danny's pregnant. I call her Danny. I've never met her, but I feel she's one of the family.

I remember her when she had her own face. Oh. She has got one of those You know when pregnant women get food fad things And they eat stuff like coal and tree bark And Alsatians All sort of Ferrero Rocher is Danny's That's a hell of a good choice isn't it

That's just what I'm getting fat anyway Let's do it frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio so he's talking about eating stuff yeah charcoal specifically yeah new charcoal diet i've eaten um several so i've eaten cat and dog food you have not yeah straight out of the tin straight out the bowl oh i was at a party and the bloke had got a cat and a dog was it in birmingham i believe it was okay and there was other food i just wanted to i just wanted to see what the hostess didn't serve it up right now well you know there's i think one's first response to cat and dog food

is that it's going to be nasty right but then there's a sort of secondary thing when you think yeah i bet everyone thinks it's nasty but i bet if you actually have the courage to try it's probably just like a meaty or a fishy type and what was it like it was horrible was it oh man there's all like i hate those jelly bits like when cats get all jelly bits no but it's sort of tasted like you know what dog's breath smells like it tasted like no i don't you don't need i don't go up that close to her well i can't believe that what if you're carrying your tiny shih tzu into into an a premiere you were in the basket with the whippets that's why you know what the breath smells like anyway it tastes it tastes

like dog's breath in a lot if you could imagine a lump a it tastes like dog's breath. If you could imagine a lump, a hardened lump of dog's breath, the gas somehow becoming a solid. That's what it tastes like. I think it's probably that dog's breath smells of dog's food. You know, that could be the explanation. That's why.

Let me write that down. I once tasted... Oh, God, hold on. Let me just get ready with my bleep. No, I know this is a real cliche and everyone says it, but the sea anemone at Nobu, oh my God Oh that old one

Now I didn't understand any of those words What does that mean? There's a restaurant called Nobu Frank, you've heard of Nobu, haven't you? Nobu is where Boris Becker had that relationship in a cupboard It wasn't exactly a relationshipcker had that relationship in a cupboard. It wasn't exactly a relationship, right?

A relationship in a cupboard. Well, that's what they call it in our house. We were together seven years. It was 30 seconds, longer than some of mine. Anyway, so I had it, and it's orange, and I was having dinner with... Oh, what are we talking about? Boris Becker? OK. No, the sea anemone. But I was having a meal a meal you know when you want to appear a bit worldly

and you want to go oh yeah see an enemy i love it love it it was disgusting it was bright orange it was a stinky old orange mess it was horrible and it was really tart and really fishy and just disgusting and i thought i was going to be sick but i had to keep it down it was awful but it was really expensive and it was recommended expensive. And it was recommended. Really expensive. By Jonathan Ross. Well, you see, with friends like that, who needs an enemy? I've, um...

I'll tell you what I used to eat as a child. My dad showed me this. You know a thistle? If you cut into a thistle with a small pen knife... You are... No, I'm not. What sort of childhood did you have eating thistles? My dad was kind of a country man.

And there's a thing called a thistle knot. And if you cut open a thistle, at the very base of the thistle is a knot. Really? It's an edible knot. Wow. This is where we get 10,000 letters next week saying all my children are dead from eating thistle nuts.

Thistle nuts. No, I used to eat them as a child. Did you? Was it like, so tea time tonight, kids, it's foraging. It's foraging tonight. Exactly. Whatever you can find. There isn't enough foraging for food.

Young kids, they don't know what it's like. Yeah. Laura will often catch me just chewing on a bit of plastic. Yeah? You know, like the thing from round the lid of a drink's bottle. I'll get that off. You don't swallow it, though, do you? I probably swallow bits of it, but no.

Like, well, Laura catches me and I have to spit it out. Thank God for Laura. I don't know what you... You need your wife to tell you not to eat plastic. Yeah. I don't know about you. I don't find that even mildly surprising. Anyway, I'm surprised she doesn't have to stop eating the child anyway i uh if we if you've eaten anything unusual that's respectable we'd love to hear from you because i think there's

probably loads of stuff out there we've never tried and i'm prepared to go and try anything really i've eaten oh god i've eaten insects. And, Frank, we've just had an email in explaining Violin Gate. Would you like to hear it now? Well, it's... Or I think maybe... I think I've just... I'm going to need

a bit of a jog. I understand. First. Absolute. Radio. So you were... Oh, so I had... Well, we had Violin Gate.

I was going to tell you about that. But in the meantime, we have had some texts in about strange things people have eaten. Oh, good. I'm fascinated to tell you about that, but in the meantime we have had some texts in about strange things people have eaten. Oh good, I'm fascinated by this subject. Well, Luke and Slough says I was once forced by... You, Luke and Slough. I'll Luke somewhere else.

Luke and Slough says I was once forced by my Korean housemate to eat silkworm pew pie. Oh, tasted like sawdust. I've eaten silkworm. Have you? Yeah. I went to the toilet the next day. It was a fabulous kimono. Oh, tasted like sawdust. I've eaten a silkworm. Have you? Yeah. I went to the toilet the next day. It was a fabulous kimono.

Oh, God. Yeah, it was beautiful. Sheer it was, really. Marcus in Shropshire says, Hi, gang. Are you odd food? When I was a young boy, I went to Italy with grandparents and was made to eat baby sparrows. Oh.

Is that a cat who's texted in? What were your grandparents like? Don Corleone and wife? Baby sparrows whole. Yeah. The beak on as well. Now, listen, never mind all this. I want to get back to the matter at hand,

which is Violin Gate, which I'm loving. So there's still no name attached, I have to say, to this text that's come in. But this is a former pupil of mine who says they left the college. Because of an incident with a violin and you. So you taught at that college? I taught at Hales Owen College. What did you teach?

I taught English mainly, but I did a bit of drama as well when they were short. And some chemistry and physics. Well. So, the email says, The violin, A-level theatre studies. You asked the class to mime a scene involving playing a violin. You picked on me and I tried.

I was rubbish and you said that I looked like I was trying to put up an ironing board. That's a bit harsh, isn't it? The class was in in fits of laughter i picked up my bag and walked out never to return dined out on the story for years wow but this person does say lol at the end and there are two kisses so i think they've forgiven you yes that's lots of love isn't it it's a girl by the sounds of it well i don't know you know i suppose you never know they're doing ironing at that age so you don't remember this incident i don't remember it but suppose you never know. They're doing ironing at that age. So you don't remember this incident? I don't remember it, but I feel terrible that someone walked out of the entire theatre world

because I said that their violin mime looked like putting up a... It seems an erratic response to me. That could have been the next Judi Dench. Those laughs probably spurred you on to showbiz. Judi Dench needs ironing, let's face it. Anyway, Scott Caporo is our guest today. Oh, excellent. When's he going to be arriving?

We don't have enough Americana. Someone you fancy is on the telly. Who? Oh, Vince Cable. Oh. I know it's a weird person to fancy, but I do fancy him. I can't believe that. I hope you never meet.

I don't need you to come in here one day and tell me you've laid a cable. Absolute Radio. Muse. That was the Muse. Frank, you've had a text in. It's a bit early for the Muse, isn't it? It's a bit of a strange one. It's from Kev.

Can I tell you something? That just reminded me of something that happened last strange one. It's from Kev. Can I tell you something? That just reminded me of something that happened last week. Sorry, just hold Kev. Okay. Kev, you're in hold. After last week's show, my girlfriend Kath came in and we went off looking somewhere to have lunch. And we was walking through Soho and we passed this kind of,

one of those Chinese places you can eat everything, you can eat as much as you can eat. All you can eat, perhaps. Yes, that's the phrase I'm after. You can eat everything or not you can eat as much as you can eat all you can eat perhaps yes that's that's the phrase i'm after you can eat everything exactly uh well they do and uh and it was all in the window what you know people and i said uh oh that looks nice yeah and and cat said uh it's too oily i said well it's 10 to 2 oh and it's little moments like that they get me through life anyway what's Kev got to say? Kev says, Frank, whatever happened to Sven Hassel novels?

Oh, man, Sven Hassel. What are Sven Hassel novels? I think it's what all the girls that worked at the FIFA... Sorry. It's what all the girls that worked at the FA used to have. Sven Hassel. All day and all night. That would have been a great joke

if I hadn't just collapsed halfway through into a... Oh, you see, I don't know what those are. They were novels, war novels. They always had a picture of, like, an SS bloke who was holding a sword on the front. I mean, they were really, like, you know, hardcore war novels. Did you do them?

We never did that. We had Kycilius, which was inius which was in latin do it oh you did latin at school yeah didn't you too we didn't we was we had a catholic school we didn't do latin oh we did but this wasn't this wasn't on the course oh i see you know there's always what you chose to read the other stuff that people read at school like when i was like jackie collins we read when i was at school. Yeah, like Jackie Collins we read. When I was at school, everyone read The Dice Man. Oh, okay. Len Dayton, is that or something? No. About Hoover. Is it called Luke Reinhardt, is it? Oh, the man who keeps... He makes all his

decisions in life by throwing a dice. I didn't know it was that old. I don't mean that rudely. I have never... We've only done a scroll. We didn't have paper books. What's happened to me? My entire voice has broken down into a series of just noise blocks. Like colour. I've gone into

abstract speak. Frank, can I just tell you something? Which is that the violin victim... There's a nice happy ending to this story which I think our listeners need to hear. You know the violin saga which has been going on? Yes. I feel terribly responsible about it. Well, don't, because she sent a lovely email in saying,

Frank, violin victim has no hard feelings. She is now an accountant and can afford to send the ironing out. That's lovely. Oh, she's an accountant, so at least she didn't, you know, walk out of that class and never do anything creative again. Well, you've heard of creative accountants. Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad.

Has she given a name yet? No. She's very cagey about this, isn't she? Oh, you've heard of creative accountants. Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad. Has she given a name yet? No. She's very cagey about this, isn't she? Oh, yeah. That's it with accountants. Well, anyway, I'm glad. And I hope it's all turned out for the best. And I'm sorry I said that thing about your violin impression.

I mean, I feel so bad about it. In future... You should have said a zither. It was a laughing stock. In future, if she's ever asked to mime violinning she should mime putting up an ironing board and that will probably come out as violinning well then she should remember that at the accountancy christmas party yeah i'm also liking the uh the word violinning violinning yeah it's good you've taken ironing and you've thought well if it with iron, why shouldn't it work with violin?

I'm not sure it does normally, but I'm happy with it. Scott Capuro will be with us a little later. He's been loitering with intent out there. Oh, is he? He's arrived, thank God for that. Oh, yeah. I don't think he's come all the way from San Francisco today. He had a yellow T-shirt on, very fetching. Oh, good. We'll spot him easily.

Okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Email time. Hi, Frank. I come bearing interesting news for you. Re-levitation. Oh.

A couple of years ago, I was... Who's this from? It's from Ed Paisenap. Ed Paisenap? Paisenap. Hmm Paisenap? Paisenap. Hmm. Hmm. Are you sure?

Yeah, I think so. He sounds nice for me, double-barrelled. Anyway, continue. EO Paisenap. Oh, it's double-barrelled. He's got a double-barrelled name. I think he's a scientist. Oh, a double-barrelled scientist.

Durham. Durham. Oh. Carry on. A couple of years ago, I was at a lecture by a physics prof from Bristol who claimed to have levitated a frog using a magnet. That I would like to have seen. That's brilliant.

I'd like ringside seats to that. I wonder if you could put one over the spout of a kettle as it boiled. Would it sort of bounce on the cloud of steam? I imagine that would be quite painful. It works on the same principle as one of those levatron toys as the electrons in your body are effectively spinning rapidly. Seems to me

that this could be applied to a human. Only downside is you would need a giant magnet to produce enough of a field. Hope this keeps the levitation dream alive. Yeah, well as regular listeners will know one of my great dreams is to levitate and that sounds all i need's a big magnet that's all you need so people could just send in any giant magnet if you've got a giant magnet or maybe lots of little magnets would it work with lots of little magnets all together well we could try but i'm gonna scare i'm gonna scare a Soho this afternoon. Somebody should. It's filthy.

Well, that's brilliant news. I'm going to have to go to the adverts, I think. Hold on. That's a good... I like that. The profession. Let's say you get a Sony nomination by saying stuff like that. See, let people see the workings. Does commode do that?

Mine does. Absolute. Radio. Welcome back. That email that we were reading out... i've never ever said welcome back after the news before and you know what i liked it it's not very you is it um do you remember the email we were reading out about levitation earlier well there was a ps levitation yes the ps says looked up the A.E. Houseman poem you read on the air and it's brilliant.

Wow. No warning, nothing. I'm sorry. Any new listeners who think, oh, I've, Sony nomination, I've listened to that. That is it.

There is a thing on Absolute Radio, if anyone mentions the poet a houseman we're all right now it's the first mention in the show there's an alarm goes off they're trying to cut it out altogether but and then we're into it now yes i did i i did play one um play i read one of his poems well ed pies and that who i've already marked out as a potential for me yeah i think it could be your kind of man i always see you imagine you with someone in a lab coat. He's got to have a double barrel as well.

Proof the show is educational as well as amusing. I love that. So we went and read the A Houseman poem. Yeah, as a direct result. That's brilliant. I always say we should have a poetry section on this show. And the other two say, no, we shouldn't. That's how that debate goes.

So have you two been hanging out this week i hear a little bit yes i did um frank did a pilot for his new show oh and as you said i did you can't take that back now honey that's the story when he's told his friends exactly exactly i did a pilot i was going to say i did the warm-up for the pilot of frank's new show so they have a if you go to a tv recording they have a comedian go on and sort of warm up the audience well you used to do it for deal or no deal i did remember that i remember that story about the woman who fainted yeah you shouldn't have said that i had him bored thing it's not easy yeah that's not so much comedy though that was more crowd control it's not easy to make that audience laugh.

Crowd control to Major Tom. So what happened at Frank's pilot? Was it good? Well, it was really good, wasn't it? Put him on the spot now. What's he going to say now? It was very disappointing. Well, Daisy was there, who is one of the people who works on this show,

and I made a terrible annoyance of myself. What did you do? Well, I did also. I locked my key in the dressing room, works on this show and i made a terrible um annoyance of myself what did you do well i did also i i locked my key in the dressing room so she had to while everything else going on she had to go and find me a new key that sounds very unlike you this kind of behavior yeah exactly i left my lead your lead what sort of a dog are you you left my only cord Oh, so Laura was doing it. See, when Laura's not there, you go to park, let's face it. You fall to pieces.

It's true, yes, absolutely true. I haven't been home this week, that's why I'm a bit of a mess. So let me, am I to get this straight, this is Frank's pilot? Yeah, you're sleeping rough. He's sleeping in the Absolute Studios. Oh, no, I don't like that. Well, there was that bottle of wine in the corner. But Frank's sitting in his little dressing room

being all nice with his cup of soup and his two-bar heater, and you're asking for J-Lo cashmere toilet paper. People are saying to me it's going to be a bit of a delay. The warm-up man can't find his lead. No, it was dreadful. But it's funny doing a pilot, because it's not going to be Ed, is it? No, it's not going to be Ed. It's a pilot.

In case you don't know, a pilot is just like a practice programme. I've got to see you starting. I don't want to start plugging my own series. I'm not going to plug it. Carry on. Well, one of the things that happened, I thought you made a joke that I thought was one of the best jokes I've ever seen. And I know it's awkward, but I'm going to tell it.

Really? All the pressure's on now. I'm going to tell it. I want to know in what way he saw that joke. Most people heard it, but... Did it come out in some sort of coloured vapor? What sort of coloured vapor of comedy that left my mouth? I see jokes. I've got that thing where you... Oh, you're like that Sixth Sense boy. I see dead people.

You are a bit like that Sixth Sense boy. Yes. Do you see dead people. You are a bit like that Sixth Sense boy. Yes. The easy dead people. The brilliant Dave Gorman was on the show and he said, so I'll do the set up. Dave Gorman of Absolute Radio. Yes, Dave Gorman on Absolute Radio and he, the set up was, we were talking

about police, you were talking about police people. Police, the police. Yes. You're talking about the police and Police. The police. Yes. You're talking about the police. And Dave Goldman said, look, I want to defend the police. Two of my brothers are police. And Frank said, what, were you like the black sheep of the family because you weren't in the police force? And he said, no, I was the black sheep of the family

because I went to university. And Frank said, oh, so you had thoughts above their station. Very good, Frank. I should have praised his ideas, that's what I actually said. Oh, I was, oh, I've got it wrong. As the joke progressed, I knew, it was like watching someone blow up a very large balloon. I thought, he's going to kill the joke, he's going to kill the joke,

he's going to kill the joke, he's killed the joke. And now it's gone. I knew it was ideas, I haven't been homeless. Luckily, we have a proper comedian coming on after this. Oh, for goodness sake. Scott Capuro will arrive to save the day, like the cavalry, the comedy cavalry. And I'll be sulky for the guest again. Don't be sulky.

We'll see how that goes. Anyway, I thought... Gavin's on the rampage. We never play any disco on this show, that's what I always think, because you're not really allowed to. Oh, we've got some disco. Yeah, we've got disco music, but it's by the fall.

Absolute radio. I can't believe you're doing your makeup. We've got a guest in. Can I just say he's very well groomed, unlike you who's wearing a West Brom replica shirt. I'm going straight to the game after this. Anyway, we're going to talk to Scott now. Straight's the operative

adjective there. Straight to the game. That sounds fun. You're going to talk okay straight to the operative adjective there that sounds fun you're going to game yeah if we um are you interested in soccer uh i'm trying to help now right no that's great thank you um do you mean football yes i do right uh no i know i watch it a bit but i'm not really uh no yes If my team win today, it means we get promotion to the premiership. And then we can lose every week. That's great. That'd be fantastic. Obviously, I'm looking forward to that in a weird and twisted way.

Having your self-esteem chipped away at every week. It's very fair. We can all identify with that. You don't have to know about football. That's what I try to do as a comic, is chip away at the audience's self-esteem. I try to get them to laugh at things they don't think they should laugh at. I want them to feel a bit guilty.

I don't want them to leave, although I have walked a few in my time, but I want them to stay and feel bad the whole time they're staying there. Have you ever walked anyone because you said that they looked like they were putting up an ironing board? No. No.

I did that. Really? Yes. I did it in a drama class. that walked them yes they in fact they gave up drama forever they were so upset this is the kind of sensitivity we have to deal with in this country it's unbelievable we had an email about that today really they were an accountant now yeah they look the other words i ruined their life yeah i mean well you know they have a secure job you made them maybe realize that they weren't really in the right profession i saw you in a In other words, I ruined their life. Yeah, I mean, well, you know, they have a secure job.

You made them maybe realise that they weren't really in the right profession. I saw you in a play. Yeah? Yeah. It was about five years ago. No, I only did two. I did art. And he doesn't stop talking about that, to be honest.

Right, I didn't see you in art. And I did cooking with Elvis. That's the one I saw you in. In which I had to take my clothes off. That's when I last saw you. Yeah. It was your bare bottom going up and down, as I recall. Is that correct?

I'm glad that you said that after you'd pointed up the fly. Frank, the last time I saw you, it was a play involved. There was an audience. It was a buffer. I wasn't sitting in it. Yeah, it was good. It was, yeah, I didn't. I must admit, I came to Haiti.

Did you? The theatre or that play? That particular experience. I don't know, I didn't get on with the cast very well. Are you a bit grouchy? No, I was too nice for them. Really? You were an actor when you started out as an actor.

I just did a play in San Francisco over Christmas. Oh, you're still an actor? I really enjoy it. It's kind of like vacation, doing a play, because they hand you a glass of white wine and tell you how wonderful you were. Unlike comedy clubs, where they throw a glass of wine at you and try to stab you in the neck on your way out.

No, it's great. And also, someone else has written it, which is lovely. The onus is off you. You're just a cog in a wheel. You're a hired hand. It's really fun. I did a play here in london last year too i have a reading for another play on monday that i hear benny from abba wrote the music for

so i guess that's it it's on the in the west that's going to do pretty well i know and the play's hilarious it's a restoration comedy they've redone it's very funny so i'd love to get the gigs so benny from abba has rewritten a restoration comedy. He's written the music for it. That isn't a winning formula. I know, I know. It should be fun. I mean, you know, I like being around actors because they're so precious. You know, the actors I worked with in San Francisco, it was a comedy.

It was as you like it in modern day. We came off stage and somebody said, that audience is rough. Are they? They're so quiet. I'm like, you are so sweet. You have no idea what a rough audience will threaten you and chase you out with lit torches and beat you to death at the train station while you're waiting for your crappy train back from west ealing on a friday night

that's a you know these people go quiet and solid at that point yeah they're what how come what what happens you mean they really don't like you? It's just, you know, an actor I find in their own minds has this place where they want the audience to be every night. And a comic knows that in the beauty of live performances, you never know what to expect. That's what gives us the buzz, isn't it? That is so true.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Scott Capuro is our guest today. And Scott, you're moving from comedy, obviously you're still doing comedy, but you've become a sort of chat show host. Yeah, I'm hosting a chat show at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern every Thursday until May 6th,

and we've invited down what we think is a decent lineup of celebrity guests. Although the show started as something to bring in interesting performers and writers and clowns and stuff. But in the first two series we did last year, we didn't have the kind of attendance that we required, or that the club required. So I thought, well, I'll call some friends.

And now celebrities are great, but you've got to protect them. Because the tabloid press is all over us now because we've got some tabloidal characters coming down and so it's become sort of a buzzy kind of I mean you know Nancy Diolio showed up on Thursday to do her bit. Oh she's fabulous I love her.

She's had some Sven hassle. Oh my god a lot and she's gorgeous and she walks in and five people in Gucci follow in behind her it was so glamorous. Oh she's stolen. And she walks in and five people in Gucci follow in behind her. It was so glamorous. Oh, she's stolen my life. Oh, my God. And all the rough queens of the RVT look around drinking their cheap beer and think, where are we?

What's going on? The whole atmosphere in the room changed. And Russell Tovey came in, brought all his posse. So it's become, it's interesting. I feel like I'm skating on thin ice a little bit, like a little bit out of my league talking to these people on stage because they're used to protecting themselves, and I don't do that. I don't think anyone really cares about my story anyway,

but if I am going to tell it, I'm going to add every gory detail. But with people like Nancy and Russell, you have to respect their privacy to a certain extent, but you also want to try to extract things from them. They wouldn't usually say that because we're not not recorded or filmed and there's no plugging i don't care about their projects people can read about that online i just want to hear about what they're interested in right here right now it's a real pain when people turn up i used to do a chat show and people would turn up and say um oh you won't talk about uh well so i mean apparently christopher reeve did um terry wogan show and they said he won't talk about Superman

that's quite a big jump you shouldn't say jump when you talk about him no no maybe that's correct no I know what you mean I mean they do one of our featured guests the week before said you know I don't want to talk about

this one subject that's huge right now unless I bring it up, you know. And then he did. And then we discussed it. Yeah, they often bring it up. They do. Someone said, I did Tony Bennett. And they said, don't mention the wig. Whatever you did, don't mention the wig.

And he brought up the wig. I thought he was a Tony Benn for a minute. I didn't know he had a wig. So he was showing his paintings, Tony Bennett. And I said, so when you, I probably shouldn't have said, I said, do you wear a beret? And, you know, I didn't even. You did because they'd said it to you and it was on your mind. It wasn't deliberate.

And he said, you know, I guess I always wear a beret. Oh, did he? And I thought, is that what he means? I don't know. Shall I run with it? There was a tension in me. It's quite a live chat show. It's quite an unusual thing, though, isn't it?

Well, that's why we're doing it. I think there's nothing like it in London, you know. I mean, there's a lot of chat on TV, but nothing where you can go and get as close to these people as almost touching them, you know. And that's what we want to create, a kind of an atmosphere where people feel like they can sort of open up.

It's a kind of a supportive, weird, kind of edgy, freaky room in a way. But I think that's why people agree to do it, because they like that it's off the beaten path a bit. Can I make a confession, Scott? What? I live very near to the Vauxhall Tavern. Right.

I've never been there. Because I see, I mean, obviously it's a gay place. Right. And clearly I don't have a problem with that. But there are men who stand outside who look like the gays you only see in film, like all in leather and the big moustache. And I'd be too terrified. You say that like it's in letter and the big mustache and i'd be too terrified it's a bad thing i'd be too terrified to go in because i'd feel that um i'd be sitting

here what are you doing in here in that kind of that i'd be in some sort of and someone to buy you a drink and you and maybe drop a pill in it be like oh i feel a bit sleepy yeah well then it could all go right it could be a life-changing experience like the accountant whose life you change maybe it's a full circle exactly if i turned up to this show, would I be ostracized? You'll wake up the next day in a tube top wet in a bathtub. Oh, then it's a date. No, no, of course not. We get totally mixed crowds.

It really depends on who the guests are. Last year when Claudia Winkleman was on, a lot of women showed up that looked like Claudia Winkleman. It was really interesting. Dressed like her, hair like her hair like her obviously she was their icon she was fantastic they adored her they weren't really interested in any of the other guests we have on head on that night so it really depends on who's on stage that night so you get if you turn up you get two or three guests we had Galloway in the other night and a lot of people came up with questions from pubs nearby actually maybe pubs you go to. Obviously straight people coming in with questions

about what he was going to do, what he was thinking about right now, what he was going to do about this and that and this, and it got very aggressive. He's no Vince Cable, though, let's face it. I've got a crush on him, Scott. You do. God, raise your bar.

Absolute. Radio. Scott Capuro is our guest today. So if they want to see your chat show, what's it called, Scott? It's called Scott Capuro's Position. It. So if they want to see your chat show, what's it called, Scott? It's called Scott Capuro's Position. It's every Thursday night till May 6th. And we have Vivienne Westwood and Jane Turner next Thursday.

And Jane Turner's the mother on Kath and Kim, if you're watching. Oh, OK. She's hilarious. My girlfriend loves Kath and Kim. Well, come on down. Vivienne Westwood is still going to come even though, obviously, Malcolm McLaren Dine is going to. As far as we know, we hope, because the show is sold out, so we hope that she does come along.

And people are absolutely over the hill excited about seeing her. She doesn't make that many live appearances, and I am so honoured that she agreed to do it. Oh, Frank, let's go down. You'll be safe with me. I'll be receiving the homecoming queen. You're making me sound like some homophobe. No, I'm not. I'm not.

This is what I'm thinking. I went... Last week, we were in Blackpool, Scott, and I was at the George Formby convention. Now, I don't know if you know who George Formby is. He was an English ukulele player. So there was all these people in there playing ukuleles. And if someone had come in just to look at us and gawp, I would have thought, no, this is about our thing. We don't want outsiders.

And I wonder if it's like that at the Vauxhall Tavern. I don't think so. They embrace all creeds and all colours and all backgrounds. You're talking about your working class background that you're terrified of. Yes, of course. That's what you mean. It's the Birmingham thing. I know. The broom. It's a problem.

No, I used to live in Birmingham. It's one of my favourite places, actually. I lived there for a long time. Thank you, Emily. It's very like San Francisco, don't you think? Yeah, Edgbaston. The rest of it's a bit of a nightmare. But yeah, I like the greeny part. But yeah, no, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.

Don't worry about it. If you just, you know, wear a hat and glasses so people leave you alone and then bring a girl, make sure. Not one of those leather hats with the chain. But you're still doing stand-up, Scott, we should point out. And you're on at Leicester Square Theatre next Wednesday.

That's a lovely place to play. It's gorgeous. Yeah, I really like it. There's not a bad seat in the house. Although you do kind of want to kind of try to fill it up because it's big and wide with two bars on either side.

And if you can at least half fill it, it feels like you're speaking into a cave. But, you know, like here. After we've mentioned it on here, that's a guaranteed filler. That's it. Totally sold out. I can hear the mind tickets right now. So if anyone,

and obviously within the bounds of what we can say on Radio at the time of the morning, if anyone's never seen you, God forbid, if they haven't, what should they expect from a Scott Capuro stand-up show? Well, I suppose they should expect to have their boundaries challenged.

Whatever that means. They might... You think we should annex Scotland? I think it's already happened. I think they should expect maybe to, you know, to be surprised and to be thrilled. Shocked? Maybe shocked. I hate to say shocked because it sounds like I'm going out of my way

to choose subject matter that might surprise them. But I just talk shocked. I hate to say shocked because it sounds like I'm going out of my way to choose subject matter that might surprise them. But I just talk about things I think are funny and I hope that they go along with it. I think it's interesting, like we talked about earlier, people choose the night they go to a comedy room to be offended because if you buy a ticket you're sort of, you're buying into that comic story, whatever it is.

You know, I mean, you can always leave if you like. That's what the exit doors are for. But again, I don't want them to walk out. I don want to lose them i want them to stay and just feel absolutely horrible that they've stayed well we have a lot of broad-minded listeners so really yeah we'll see about that yeah well yeah we'll send them in yeah do you still perform live stand-up do you like it you still like it oh yeah does one ever stop liking it i don't know i i do like it i like it best when i'm not doing it for money if i'm doing it for money i find it's not great we're still talking about stand-up

i don't do that for money anymore i'm 47 but it got me through university you know when i do it kept me in drugs but when i do it when i do comedy for money now i have to take a money gig what do you normally do comedy for for the, I have to take a money gig. What do you normally do comedy for? For the pleasure of it. I mean, you know, I do the circuit and I don't really think about money when I'm doing it. And in fact, half the time I forget to ask for my fee. But if I choose a gig because I think,

oh, I need a bit of cash right now, yes, I'll do that. And then I go and do it. Usually I really hate it. Usually. I don't know. I think it's the best job in the world. Yeah, it's great. But it's not a job. It's not your only job, is it, really? I don't know. I think it's the best job in the world. Yeah, it's great. But it's not a job, it's not your only job, is it, really?

You do a lot of things. It is, but it used to be my only job, and I was probably as happy as I've ever been with it. I never told you, but I followed you in Edinburgh one year, and I used to go watch you. Not every night, but about four nights a week, I'd watch your set. Oh, that's quite a lot.

Goodness. Wowza. If I'd known and i would have changed no it's because there's just nothing else to do in edinburgh but also because uh no i'm going to put that on my post i thought you i thought you were it was inspirational watching you it was for me i just started coming over this is like 1996 my first my second year here and i i'd never seen someone so rough in their material warm an audience so well.

And some of the stuff you talked about, I found totally shocking. But you had them in the palm of your hand. I was really, you were great. I'm tingling. No, but I mean. I am tingling. This is lovely.

I only mention it because you do enjoy it and it makes a difference. It really does. So anyone enjoying what they do, doing it, is just such a pleasure for the audience, you know. Scott, I love you. Go and see Scott on Wednesday at Leicester Square and go to the Vauxhall Tavern to see his chat show.

Absolute radio. What else? Well, one of your relatives. Is he a relative? I suppose he is. Yes, I'm glad you've mentioned this. Yeah, he's got quite a big week coming up. Well, you know, I'm always very excited to see people I know on the telly. Yes, you like that, don't you?

I do. Isn't it weird? You know, even though I can see them in the flesh, there's something about... I mean, I like watching... I don't watch me on the telly, but, you know, I'm happy to watch myself on a CCTV camera in a store, for example. But, yes, you know, if this was a more formal world that we lived in, this man would be my brother-in-law, because what he actually is is my girlfriend's sister's boyfriend.

Boyfriend, yeah. But if we'd all married, right? Oh, not all of you. No, sisters, I don't think, frowned upon. Yes, but they can hang you in the Isle of Man for it. That's how the three legs thing came about in the first place. Anyway, so, yes, so this, my girlfriend's sister's brother, Steve, he keeps snakes, right?

Yeah. Poisonous snakes. I mean, scary poisonous snakes. He keeps them in a control. They're not just knocking around his flat. But he keeps them in this place where it's safe to keep them. What he does is he

injects himself with their venom on a regular basis. Which is extraordinary. Yes. And it's, well we should say it's because he doesn't just do it randomly. There is a reason behind it, isn't there, as well? There is. If there's any children listening who keep poisonous snakes I'm not suggesting you start injecting their venom not for a second he has a doctor do it doesn't he no he doesn't no he does it himself oh yeah but thanks

for trying to make it more yeah because a snake will help you with injecting their venom if you get too close to them won't they they will do that but the thing is with the snakes it's it's hard to if you say just a little bit okay because i'm not i don't want the full dose i'm building my way up they they they can be reckless yeah they do ignore you sometimes so he gets he gets the the stuff out so they've got the reputation exactly because the venom has youth giving properties that's that's one of Well, he started off doing it. He does look young, doesn't he? Yeah, we have met him and he looks really young.

He looks so young. The skin on the man. I've never known you two talk so much. This is like being a tennis line judge. It's fantastic. There's two people shouting at me. Get off me. Yeah, so he injects his stuff and he says...

When he started out, he thought if he injected a little bit every week or whatever that if he did get bitten by then his body would have got so used to having snake venom and it wouldn't do any damage oh so that was the theory um but then he discovered that he wasn't aging anymore wow yeah wow that's amazing emily emily has got out of her seat to hear more yeah so anyway on on Wednesday night on Channel 5... Emily, put that cobra down. Why have you got that with you? Trusting me. Steve said I could borrow it.

So anyway, on Wednesday night... I don't think you're supposed to suck out the venom. Can I plug this show? Wednesday night, 8 o'clock. Is it 8 o'clock? Yeah, Wednesday night, 8 o'clock on 5. My brother-in-law is getting injected with snake venom on the telly. And I've seen the bit where he gets injected.

It's a bit terrifying. Really? Because although he claims it makes him look younger, when he first does it, he actually looks pretty terrible. He looks like someone who's got snake venom in him. Yeah, and, oh, he's big red. Well, I won't spoil it, but, no, he looks like he's going to die. And then suddenly he looks young.

Worth the risk, Em, you'd agree? Well, exactly. It's like surgery. It is like surgery in that respect. Anyway, just watch it, because we're all friends together. You know, I'm trying, you know. He's family. I'm trying to help him out. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, tonight is on Channel 4. This sounds like a series of plugs for TV shows, but I'm not saying watch this. I'm saying don't watch it. Oh, okay. What is it? It's the top 100 stand-up comedians.

Oh, God, I'm going to give you a wide berth. You're going to be a nightmare. It's such a tense experience. I'm glad I'll be coming back from Don... I can't believe I ended up telling Scott Kapoor I was going to see Don Caster Westbrook. You looked fascinated, didn't you? No, it's very tense.

I'll tell you what's really tense about it. When it first comes on, the top 100 comments, since I watched it last time, is you think, obviously I want to be in it. It's important to be in it. But then you think, I don't want to be in it too low. So it goes 98, 84, 76. By then you're thinking, oh, I've done quite well.

Into the 50s, oh, go on, you know, this is good. Best of all time. Pasquale. Into the 40s, you're thinking, I'm not in it.

I'm not in it at all. And then you have the terror of, you know, oh, the horror. The horror of it. But I was 26 last time. I cannot believe. Oh, that's respectable, Frank.

It is. I cannot believe that I'll still be up in the 26th. Oh, you will. But you do want to be in it. I mean, every comic now who asked would say, oh, what a difference, it's all rubbish. All true, but they still really, really want to be in it, more than anything,

more than they want the third world problem to be solved. That's the truth of it. You'll finish above Davro, though. I don't know, I like Davro. It'd be a bit ironic if I didn'll finish above Davro, though. I don't know. I like Davro. It'd be a bit ironic if I didn't finish above Joe Pasquale, saying he's doing my act. I don't like the idea that he's doing my act better than I am.

Seems wrong. Who won it last year, then? There's only ever been one, I think, in 2007. Billy Connolly always wins these things. Oh, OK. Fair enough. He's a fabulous comedian. I'll be happy just to be in it.

In the top 30 minimum. Okay. Is there still time to vote? No, I don't think it's time to vote. Oh, we'd vote for you. No, I've basically fractured my thumb voting as it is. That's it from us.

I love you all very much. I just want you to know that, just in case I die on the motorway today. OK, good day to you. Absolute Radio.